Eye Opening

 My mini vacation was so much fun.  I laughed and we had a great time.   But there were three very real sobering truths that I had to face.   Luckily I was with a good friend who didn't let me get sucked down into the pits as I discovered these sobering truths.

The first truth was pictures.  I typically do anything I can to avoid being in a picture.  Don't get me wrong, I love photographs.  But I enjoy being behind the camera.  But me in the picture....are you crazy?  Yet Linda wanted pictures of the two of us.  She wanted pictures of herself at certain landmarks that we visited and yes, she wanted pictures of me at the same place.  I had my picture taken more times last weekend than I have had in the last years.   OK, maybe I exaggerate but it was a whole bunch! 

 Let me tell you, there were tons of pictures of me.  And let me be very clear.......I didn't like what I saw in the pictures.    I wasn't living under a log, I know that I am overweight.   I know that I had gained a significant amount of weight in the last year.  I knew it....in my head.   But these pictures made me SEE it with my eyes. How in the world did I not see this?????

The second thing was my fitness level.  I did the 75 hard back earlier this year and I started to get myself in line.  I was doing great until I got the flu....I had just finished the 75 hard and getting sick caused me to lose my momentum.  I stopped exercising when I was sick and when I was well enough I never picked it back up.   Before I got sick I NEVER turned on the tv during the day.  When I was recovering from the stomach virus I started watching TV.  I have watched TV almost if not every day since then.  Bad habits.    This past weekend I had to face the truth that the 'good' that I had done for myself with the 75 hard had started to wash away in the last 3 months of inactivity.  I was struggling to breathe when we walked up inclines.  It was ugly!  (Luckily for me....unluckily for her, my friend was also struggling so we were evenly matched....but that's no excuse.)    I fought hard during the 75 hard to strengthen my fitness and I let it all fall away. How sad is that?

The other truth was that there were activities that I couldn't participate in because of my weight.   I have ALWAYS wanted to do the Bridge Walk.  Linda wanted to do it....but it turns out that my waist was too big for the harness.  (Luckily for me I read the small print online so I wasn't embarrassed to get there and be turned away).  Likewise, the canopy/zipline tour......I exceeded the weight limit.   NOT cool, I only exceeded the weight limit and the waist size by small amounts, but regardless, my weight limited me!   

As sobering as the truths are, what makes me me is what I chose to do with the information.   Will I settle back on the couch and allow another three months to pass with no exercise and more weight gained?  Or will I say enough is enough and change the trajectory that I have been on.

I am choosing to change the trajectory.   I have tracked my food every day thus far this week. I'm not aiming for perfection with my food.  Right now I am tracking every bite.  I know for me when I track I tend to automatically clean up my eating habits....so right now I'm just tracking.    I have also gotten some exercise in each day.   I'm not aiming for two or three hours.  I"m not even aiming for 1 hour. I'm aiming for at least 20 minutes.  I am not making earth shattering changes right now. But I am making changes that will carry me through a weight loss journey.    I am making changes that can help me get this weight off once and for all!  So look close at the picture from my recent weekend because I want it to be the last you see of me at that weight!

 

Ridiculous I tell ya!

​I sometimes think my life is straight out of some looney toon cartoon!  Expect the unexpected is what I need to start saying in relation to my life!   This last week has been exactly that!   Rashes, car breakdowns, rain,  x crazy dog, etc.   ok, the dog is a puppy…so she is supposed to be crazy!  But otherwise, life has been nuts!

Rainy Weather 

So let’s start with the weather.    It was overcast and rainy for about a week and a half.  When the sun would shine long enough to actually mow, I would be working!   We even had hail three times…that I know about! (Picture of hail on the front deck below)  So the grass was growing like crazy!    

Yes, I know.  Rain and fast growing grass is be expected in April and May!  Thankfully, this weekend we had some sunny weather and we were able to get out and mow.   The grass was so long that we had to go much slower.  So what can usually be done in a combined 7 hours took about 9.  Fun fun!   But hey, push mowing is good exercise right?

Around the house we also got a few things planted.  My father in law put up some shelves that had formerly been in their garage.  And he started to build me a counter to fit into the great abyss.  My washer and dryer sit at a right angle to each other …not side by side.   That leaves a corner of space that I can’t access or use in the Landry room.  It is annoying because it’s not only dead space, but I have dropped stuff back there and have to contort…or move a machine to extract it!  So I had a grand idea of putting up a table/counter back there.    It’s in the works!   It is half built at the moment..:but it’s on the way!   I also got a plan in my head for a rocky hill that sits along the road.  Right now it is all weedy and overgrown (and an eyesore).  I have a plan in my head for how to turn the eyesore into something that at least looks like we care…if not is pretty!

Car Breakdowns

It’s the old car…the one that Jason typically uses to commute to work.  Last year , the car was giving us a warning light..and then up and died on the side of a highway.  The alternator went out.   The mechanic that we went to had the car for like two months and well…we will NEVER go back there due to some other issues.  But hey, the car was running.  Or was it.  We actually didn’t drive that car much in the next 6-7 months as Jason was injured….(you can read about the axe accident here).    He went back to work in late February.  And by mid April he mentioned that the light was flickering again….intermittently.   We took it to our new mechanic…and they ran all sorts of tests.  Drove it.   Checked the alternator.  You name it.  Everything was good.  The mechanic was like, we can put in a new alternator if you want.   But the mechanic went on to say, ‘honestly, if it were my car I would run that one until it goes out…then put the new one in.   So that is what we did.   This morning the alternator went out while Jason was on his way to work. …like he is quite literally waiting for the tow truck as I write this.

Car problems …yuck!!!

Poison

Last fall we had been working on cleaning the brush piles and all the overgrowth by our shed.  It was going smashingly (until the aforementioned axe accident).   Except….I picked up poison!  That was in lots of places on my body.   Like really? How?   I would be in misery for about three weeks and have a week or so reprieve and then boom…I would contract it again.   For about three months.  Then it was gone….no more poison…and blew side mi the of peaceful skin!   Until two weeks ago…back in the same area.  I was so careful!  Long  pants.  Long sleeves.  Gloves.  I was cognizant of where I touched my body …keeping my hands away from my face, etc.  and I scrubbed down with strong soap afterward.    Three days later it began.   And it spread.  And spread.   I seriously have poison just about Al everywhere!   I kid you not!  I think my feet are the only thing not affected!   I seriously have poison underneath my bra!   How????   I’m counting the days until this bout is history!

Jason luckily, is immune.   So I have made my vow that I will not be helping to finish clear that area.  He is on his own!   We try not to use poison since we have animals, but we have caved because we need this poison gone!    

 Fun fun!

Points Challenge

I started my points challenge on May 1.   You can read about the points challenge plan here.   It is going well.  I am adding up my points.  I know that there is room for improvement.  But it has also opened ky eyes to a few ‘problem areas’.  For example.  The first day I only earned 2 points for fruits and veggies!   That’s horrible.  So I have been really making an effort to rebuild the habit of lots of fresh fruits and veggies!  

So it’s working to help me bring awareness to what I’m doing on a variety of different levels!

Weigh In

So I restarted and got more focused on my health at the beginning of may.  I started my challenge.  I have been wracking up points.  How am I doing?

I have  no real clue.  I have hopped onto the scales once or twice.  However, I haven’t really paid attention to the numbers or what is happening.  Why?  I’m fighting a mammoth case of poison.  I am full of potions and lotions.   Medicine messes up and skews the numbers on the scale.  So I am just staying the course…the weight will drop and when this poison is behind me and my body can go back to normal, then I will find my weight!  Until then, carry on business as usual!

Emotions

I am battling some serious emotions and feelings.   This last  year had been wave after wave of depressive feelings.  It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions.  It’s been extremely difficult.  I feel like I’m pulling out of it and then I get kicked in the teeth again.   (Or at least it feels that way). I know that my emotional state affects my weight loss efforts.  And the reduced weight loss just plays into those emotions exacerbating some of the stuff that I am already feeling.  It’s just difficult!   I’m fighting it though.  I’m fighting the urge to just let myself sink into a depression. I’m gonna make it.

So that is the update on my crazy life.  I’m fighting for my mental health and my physical health!   I’m determined to win!

The Towel Gap

I am a daily weigh person.  It drives me crazy if I don’t know what I weigh.  I panic.   But sometimes daily weigh ins throws me for a loop when the scales don’t do what I expect.   And when that happens I have to remember to shift my focus!

I started this 12 week challenge and I am determined to see it through.  I’m determined to lose weight and work on my fitness levels.  I’m just plain and simple determined.  The plan is simple…a set or two of basic exercises (lunges, squats, push ups, sit ups, etc)….cardio including interval training, calorie restriction and water consumption.   Pretty simple it seems but the potential for great results is astronomical!    Last week was my first week and I did absolutely fabulous!   I lost almost 4 pounds!  (You can read about that here.)  I was on fire and I headed into my new week confident that I would smash this week also.  (I was realistic and didn’t expect 4 pounds!)

Sadly, the scales have not been doing what I wanted.  My weigh in day is Monday for this challenge.  On Tuesday I was down by one more pound.   On Wednesday I was right back where I was on Monday and the numbers just aren’t dropping.  Or rather, they are dropping but soooo slowly.     I was .4 down from Monday’s weight today (Friday).  

It’s disgusting!  It’s disheartening.  I’m doing the exact same thing that I did last week this week! Water?  Check!  Calories?  Check!  Exercise and Cardio?  Check check!   I’ve done it all!  And it’s been spot on!!   But this week I’m not having the same success!   

I’m telling you…it’s disheartening!   In the past I would waver a bit in my resolve, since it’s not working.  But not this time.  I have vowed to hold steady.  Certainly the scales will eventually be kind and show my efforts!

It wasn’t until I was stepping out of the shower this morning when I realized that in just two weeks I could count a huge non scale victory.    In recent months I have gotten out of the shower and dried off.  I have then wrapped the towel around my body.  And I tug and pull because the towel doesn’t quite meet….yes, I suffered from the towel gap syndrome.    But in the last day or two, the towel gap has not been quite so bad…mostly gone.   Now don’t get my wrong, the towel isn’t wrapping around me with lots of room to spare.  But….the ends are actually meeting and there is no skin showing in that dreaded towel gap.  

Can you lose that many inches so quickly?   Judging from the towel gap I’d say yes, and 1-2 inches!   I am notoriously horrible about measuring myself…so I don’t know for sure.  But I would rather have the non scale victory anyway!

So while the scales may not be showing me my results this week…my body is telling me that I’m doing good!  It’s time to keep pushing forward in spite of the scale results!!!

Running again????

This week has been somewhat uneventful.  Not much has been happening in terms of my weight loss.  It’s just been there.

I stayed the course over the weekend.  Stayed with my ‘one sweet treat indulgence’ rule.  I was so disgusted to see my weight pop up.   Irregardless of my seemingly good behavior my weight is determined to pop every weekend.  So I’ve been chasing down the ‘recoup’ all week long.  

On Sunday I was so thoroughly disgusted that I allowed the weight of it all (pun intended) to get to me.  I was actually depressed and feeling defeated about it all!    There were some other emotions at play also...some things that I am working through.   And I was an emotional wreck.   Jason had his hands full for sure!   He is a trooper and did everything he could to help me through the emotions!  

I did come to a conclusion on Monday....that conclusion was the reminder that I can’t help what other people do...how they treat me..how things play out in my life. I have no control over it.  The ONLY thing I have control over is my reaction to these stimuli.    And that includes how I stress eat..or not stress eat as the case may be.

I have continued on with my consistency with my exercise bike to get my miles.  I even got out for another run outside on my lunch break!!!!  Go me!  It was slow. It wasn’t pretty.  But I did it!!!

Ohhh and the weather was fabulous!  I was in a tee shirt!  That made it even better!  Spring is very welcome to arrive!

After my emotions on Sunday I feel more settled about my weight loss efforts.  I know I’m making overall good choices for health.   I just need to figure out why my weight is popping each weekend.  Calorically I’m not our of control.  (Even with the day that I had a sweet treat.). I’m not eating mad carbs all day long.  I’m not going off the rails at all.  It’s very controlled eating but something is off kilter.

I will figure this out!!!!  No if’s ands or buts!!!

Seriously????

I am so disgusted today!    It’s not my official weigh in day...but it is not looking good for that day when it comes!   My weight is just doing it’s own thing and not exactly going down...it actually has been high this week!

Ok, so maybe my weight isn’t doing it’s ‘own thing’.  I have played a part....in one way at least!

On Monday I totally fell apart.  I ate my planned lunch....and still felt so hungry.  I grabbed an extra item for lunch....and then another...and then another.  It just didn’t stop!    In fairness...my calories were not that high....they were still in a range that theoretically I should be losing. But I know that my body just doesn’t lose ‘theoretically’ and that I need to be at the lower calorie level to actually lose.   

All week long my calories were in that ‘theoretical’ loss range.....

Add to that....the monthly ick has arrived and that has always popped my pounds up 2-3 pounds. 

But....I’m still getting my 5.61 miles (actually I end up with about 7 each day on average) each day!  I am slaying that exercise thing!!!

Relieved....just a bit

We are coming to the end of the week and what a crazy week it has been!   Vacation, breakdowns, return to work, new toys, weight gain and healing just to make a few!  Seriously, this week was nuts! 

We grudgingly came back from vacation on Sunday night.  We could have extended that vacation a few more days and been so happy!  But alas, life responsibilities called.  So back home we came.   Mertz was happy to see us!  The fish too!  (Yes the fish was excited....the hermit crabs didn’t even notice we were gone!).  Ok the fish was probably just hungry!  Mertz really missed our company I think!  Poor lonely kitty cat!  I wrote about the mini vacation in my last post here   But at the end of this post I will include some links to a few videos that I posted about the vacation.  There is one that gives a brief overview of the whole vacation and three other videos that really show in depth some of the places hat we visited.

On Monday, I weighed myself. I had gained 10 pounds in 4 days!  Crazy!   I had hoped that it was water retention!  I am happy to say that my weight has dropped...and right now I am sitting about 3-4 pounds up.  That is still too much and doesn’t make me happy, but it is easier to accept 3-4 pounds versus 10!!!   I am still hopeful that my weight will continue to drop a bit as water weight drops off since I am still on prednisone and will be through Monday.   

My leg that had some poison/bug bite that got infected is doing well.  I have completed the full course of antibiotics and the wound area looks really good.  

What a difference!!!

On Monday my old laptop died.  I knew it was coming for a while and been fighting the laptop for a while.  It was slow...sluggish and crashed a lot.  I was limping along.  I had actually almost purchased a new one a few months ago, so I had already done research and it didn’t take me long this week to hit the buy button when the old one went belly up.  I also purchased what I hoped would be a temporary fix for the old laptop so that I could extract my files.  Both the fix and the new computer arrived on my doorstep on Wednesday evening.   The fix worked!  (Thank heavens) and the new computer is a dream!  I also bought a lot of new software...my software was old old old.  So I upgraded to a newer version of photoshop and I decided to switch from my old video editing software to adobe premiere.  So I am learning a new software.  Should be interesting!  My videos may be a bit rough for a bit as I figure it out. But I can already definitely see a huge difference in the quality output!   See if you can tell which two were created with the new software/computer and which two were on the old software/computer from the links below!

In the midst of all of that, Jason was called back to work after being furloughed for three months. He went back on Wednesday of this past week.   Yes, it was just about three months to the day that he was off of work due to this virus.  So we are trying to adjust to a new routine.  It is a routine of me working from home and Jason going to work.  It is also a routine where he won’t know always be able to walk with me after work.  I’m on my own and responsible for my own motivation to get out there and walk!  (Yikes...I’m not good at that!)   Mertz was so upset the first day he went back to work.  She literally followed me around.  If I went to the bathroom she walked with me.  She was my shadow and was never more than a foot or two away from me. It has been an adjustment.  Even though I have been working at home, Jason and I have been in very close proximity for almost 24-7 for the last few months.   We were happy and had absolutely no problem being near each other almost constantly....but man it’s weird not being together now.

I have walked a wee bit after work...a few days at least.  But I’ve been so caught up in the computer woes (I also tried a fix on the old computer on Tuesday..that didn’t work). So between the death...the attempt to fix...the actual temporary fix.....getting my files safe and sound....waiting for the new computer delivery....setting up and learning the new computer...well, I let my fitness goals I had set for the week fall aside.   There are no ifs ands or buts,  I am hitting it hard for this next upcoming week!  

It was just a crazy week all around!  But craziness is a way of life! We are surviving and moving forward.  We are happy for the weekend.  We have no real set in stone plans, other that get groceries. Who knows what the weekend will bring!!!!  Crazy or relaxing...we are ready!!!

The video for the weekend in its entirety

A video about the Trans Allegheny Lunatic Asylum

A short video on the Museum of American Glass

A video about our visit to an abandoned town

Week recap

I woke up this morning and felt immediate happiness!  I was sure that it was Saturday and that it was a relax day!  But then reality set in.  Oh well...tomorrow I can wake up with the bliss of freedom!!!  

So, since it if Friday, it’s time for a weekly recap!

As for my monthly goals...how did I do this week?

1. Tracking every bite of food I eat-   Success.

2. Money into savings-  Success

3. Weigh less-  This is not exactly a success but I’m not calling it a failure yet. (More on this in a bit.)

4. Be more active/exercise at least theee day’s a week -  Success.  well my weekend knocked out two days, but I have managed to walk on my lunch break 3 of the last 4 days.  So a huge success (even if the after work exercise hasn’t begun!)

5. Keep my calories within a specific range for at least 6 days a week.  Success!  I managed this. One day was borderline close and one was over...but I squeezed it out!  (more on this in a moment.)

6.  Step count an average of at least 5k steps a day. I was over that every day except the day that I didn’t walk on my lunch break.

Proof of a lunch time walk!

Weight

My body did the same old routine.  I was so careful over the weekend.  I ate healthy.  I watched every bite. I was so good with my water, and my weight still jumped up on Monday. This has been happening for a while so I didn’t panic. I stayed within the three pound ‘acceptable’ range that I am ok with.   But it is still frustrating.  I expect it to drop significantly tomorrow.

Calories

On Thursday I arrived in the training room ready to start the day with training (I’ve been training new hires). One of the new hires brought in donuts!  I looked at those big wonderfully delicious looking donuts all morning! I wanted one soooo badly!  Oh heavens I could taste the glaze!  My lips could feel the chocolate!  Ohh the sprinkles too, I could taste it all!  But.....I didn’t take one!  I didn’t even take a bite!  I stood strong!

But the willpower to resist took a lot out of me.  After a morning of resisting, the thought of settling for a banana, kiwi and cheese lunch while I walked was very distasteful! (If I walk on m lunch break my meal must be highly ‘portable’ as I only have a 30 minute lunch break and the lake takes about 20 minutes to walk around...and of course I need a few moments to use the bathroom and whatnot!). I just couldn’t settle!  I went to the cafeteria and got a turkey sandwich from the deli line...with lots of greens and vegetables!  I did cave and get a bag of chips (I looked at the calorie count and got the lowest calorie count bag there!).   I was fine with that choice.  It was still better and more nutritious than a donut...and probably a lot less calories than that oversized donut!   But...it caused my calories to be about 100 over my top end limit (Which is 1550 calories for the day).    And that my friends is the reason I didn’t manage a straight 100% success on the walking/exercise AND the calorie count.  

If we look at my calorie count we can see how well I really did!

So we can see that I had some days that were right on the borderline...days like Sunday.   But Lets look at the graph that adds in my exercise...

So we can see that the day I called ‘borderline’ was in reality no where near being borderline!   It was only the donut day that I was slightly over!!!

So all in all I am going to count this week as a success.  Even though my weight hasn’t dropped (yet).  I made some very good strides and lived a healthy lifestyle this week!  I moved more than I have in recent months and I ate well.  A win!

Revelations

I have had a few revelations the last few days.  Ok, maybe they aren’t overly profound.  Maybe these revelations aren’t even new to me.  I very well could have written these thoughts and ideas as some great epiphany a few months or years back.  Who knows….but if I did already write this?  Oh well, here it is again.

I made a vow that I was going to hit the month of April hard.  I was going to get home from work and either walk or bike with Jason and if that didn’t happen I was going to go for a run by myself!  No ifs ands or buts.   April first rolled around and it didn’t happen.  Nor did it happen on April second. Hey, it was cold! (Excuse alert in case you hadn’t picked up on that already.)   I vowed and promised myself that since the weather was not going to be cold on Wednesday the third of April that I would be starting then!  No excuses this time.  Right?   Wednesday rolled around and…….

Holy cow, is that a boil on my butt?  (Stop laughing, this is a serious matter!)  Yes, there is a hard knot of pain on my buttock!  Ok, maybe it’s not a boil….it’s a follicle cyst…an ingrown hair….a really big pimple?  How in the world did I get a boil (or whatever it is) on my arse cheek?  I have no clue, but it hurts!  It rubs.  It isn’t comfortable.  And that my friends is why I didn’t run on Wednesday.  I stayed home and applied a hot compress (hot washcloth) to my keister.  (Being honest with myself, this was also an excuse!)

So here comes the first of my revelations.  I was still planning on running the WHOLE DRIVE HOME, even with the budding boil on my backside.   It wasn’t until I started walking into our apartment that I talked myself out of it.  But I had some interesting thoughts while I was driving and planning on going.  My personal mini me (the voice of discontent and unhealthy that screams in my head telling me to not exercise and to instead eat ice cream) was telling me that if I go running after work that there were going to be SOOOO many people outside and driving by. They would see my sorry boiled ass. (Well, not the boil, because I would be wearing pants….obviously.) They would see how out of shape I was.  They would see my shameful pace. They would see and I would be embarrassed.  You see, I almost have always run in the morning…before the world starts to move about too much.  I ran in more deserted areas…a National park in the morning before the tourists arrived, the C&O Canal out in the middle of the woods, back alleys and paths.  I always ran more privately, away from the eyes of others….especially when I was just starting out after a hiatus from running.  Where I live now is very open.  I would be running in a more populated area with no alleys to duck down to have some privacy while I struggle to breathe due to the affects of my attempt to run. (People would probably call 911 thinking I was in some kind of distress!)   Embarrassment is definitely a deterrent to doing the ‘right’ thing.

So that was my first revelation.

The second thing wasn’t anything profound and not really a revelation, just a realization.  I woke up on Thursday and weighed myself.  I was happy to see my weight down at a nice low number. (A low number being relative to the most recent numbers that I have been seeing on the scales!)   I was so happy!  I planned my lunch with thoughts of my planned dinner and calories in mind.  I was going to slay this weight.  I was so close to dropping into a new ‘decade’ of weight on the scales!  I was going to do it!   On the way to work I realized something.  I was totally focused on this ‘new decade’ and losing weight.  The lower number had made me dig in my heels to really do this.  I don’t know what had changed in my thinking, but I was tickled with the determination that the nice number on the scales had given me.  It was a total change from previous months.  In the past few months I’ve had some successful weigh ins where I saw lower numbers.  But without fail, almost every time I had a great number on the scale I would sabotage myself.  How?  I would be driving to work flying high on nice number I saw on the scale.  I would have my breakfast fruit sitting beside me ready to eat but then the thought of tater tots and breakfast muffins would enter my mind.  Instead of saying ‘The scales are going down, I need to keep it going down’ I had defaulted to saying “I did good, lets reward myself with some tater tots for breakfast.” (or a muffin, or a bag of chips at lunch or maybe even a full lunch at the cafeteria instead of my healthy lunch that I had packed.)  I was sabotaging myself by rewarding myself with food.  BAD BAD MaryFran.

Luckily something clicked yesterday morning and I got excited by the number and motivated!  I knew that breaking from my packed breakfast (and lunch) would only result in the numbers on the scale going back up and as soon as I realized that, I knew that I had indeed been sabotaging myself and that it had to stop!

Soooo…there you go.  My revelations from the first week of April.  Oh and for the record.  On Thursday I did NOT sabotage my eating by rewarding myself with food.  I DID also walk on my lunch break (both Wednesday and Thursday)Go me!  Still working on the after work activity...and still using hot compresses on my butt cheek!  And the scales…well they rewarded me.  I’m still not down into a new ‘decade’ but I’m close!

Slaying the beast...day three

Here we go!  Halfway through the week!  Lets get this show on the road and make it to the weekend!   I will say that I am looking forward to the weekend!  Sadly, it is just a normal short weekend and not a longer one like last weekend.  But that’s ok.  The weather is supposed to be FANTASTIC and we have some ideas of how to utilize that fantastic weather. (Amidst the normal errands and chores!)

It is day three of the new month.  I came home all fired up to absolutely slay the beast of obesity this month and show a victory.  (Or at least make positive inroads to slayong the beast, because it will take me multiple months!).  I vowed to hit the month hard from day one.   I had plans!

I have not hit it as hard as I would have liked.  BUT, I have not gone on a binge or anything. 

Exercise…..this one has not started off strong.  I did NOT walk on my lunch break.  I also did NOT walk or run or ride my bike after work like I had planned to do (my mind comes up with all sorts of fantastic plans for activities!)    It was cold!   That kept me from my lunch walks.  It also made me get home and just curl up under a blanket (ok maybe it wasn’t that cold) and stay inside.     The weather is turning though and it is supposed to be in the mid 60’s at lunchtime today.  I am heading out!   It should also still be pretty nice when I get home.  I PLAN to get out after work tonight.  A walk?  A bike ride?  A run?  I don’t know what yet.  Some of that will depend on Jason.  If he wants to ride or go for a walk that will be the activity I do.  If not, I am VOWING to run!     With no lunch time or after work walks, my step count for the first two days is woefully lacking.  And yes, I am so embarrassed to admit that my goal for the month is only 150,000 steps…that is ONLY 5000 steps a day.  Even more embarrassing is the fact that I am so sedentary at this point that getting 5K steps a day is a stretch.  I am currently running 3500 steps behind after the first two days.    But with nicer weather  I should be able to catch up quickly!

Eating……I haven’t done too badly on this one.  I have remained within my goal range for my caloric intake (I aim for between 1200 and 1550 a day).  I have been closer to the top end of the range both days, but I’m ok with that.  I know that I need to work on getting my calories toward the lower end at least a few days a week.  But in the meantime, I’m happy with where I’m at.

Water Intake…….I did fabulously over the weekend.  I have struggled these first two days of the month.  Today is the day to change that also!  

Weight…..My weight isn’t too bad.  I was happy with where I was at the beginning of the month (in comparision to where I was mid month in March).   My weight has shifted up a bit the last two days.  That however could be also caused by the lack of water consumption.  I have woke up both of the last two days thirsty…which is historically not a good sign for my weight.

April is here……It is time to slay this weight and get my life…my healthy living life back on track!  Next time I’m at the beach I am going to be fit!!!  But for now I will treasure the memories of this last trip!!!

First day of a short week!!!

It’s Monday!  Let’s get this show on the road!   I want to get the next four days over with!!!  Why?  Ahhhhh. A three day weekend...and we are heading to the sounds of the surf and the scent of salt air wafting over us!  Yup, we head to the beach for a three day weekend....as soon as we get a few days of work under our belts!

My weekend was busy and relaxing all rolled into one.   We did our grocery shopping, visited family, ran errands, cleaned the house good (I’m talking windows and everything!) and went for a long bike ride! 

So let’s talk about the bike ride first.   We hit the canal.  Nice and mostly flat...relatively easy for my knees!    My knees did great while we rode.  Oh wait, maybe I just couldn’t feel the pain of my knees through the ache in my butt!   Yeah, my butt lost it’s comfort on the saddle ....it will get accustomed to it again though!   But seriously, my knees did great on the ride!   My knees even did ok through the evening after the ride.  A bit achy...but pretty good!  However, my thighs that evening were not so great! Ouch!!!  Today they seem to be doing ok...one night of rest and those muscles are almost back to normal...but better for having been used!

I’m happy to see that my knees survived.  Because we ARE going to the beach for a few days.  When we go, we rode and walk a LOT!!!  (Well if we take our bikes we ride a lot!  And we are planning on having our bikes with us!).   Are my muscles and knees ready for this???  I know it will push me to my limits...but that’s ok!

My eating this weekend? Well it could have been better...but it wasn’t totally horrible!  Just not ‘great’.  Back to the work week, which is usually my strong time!   And I already know that next weekend will have indulgences!   Luckily next weekend will included lots of activity to offset those indulgences!

So long story short.  I held on by the skin of my teeth this weekend.  My weight has fluctuated within 1-2 pounds.  My food was so so...and activity...nailed it with my bike ride!!!!

A Forever Lifestyle

Here we are, another Friday….my work week is almost done.  I am so looking forward to the weekend (do I sound like a broken record?).   The week has flown by and the weekend promises to fly by even faster.  (Why do weekends disappear so quickly?).  Anyway, I figured that it was the perfect time to do a check in and to see where I am at.

First let me say that I have been a goddess in the kitchen this week.  Ok, well…maybe not a goddess….but I have experimented quite a bit.  We eat at home almost every night except Fridays.  Fridays the kitchen is CLOSED…it is delivery night!  But that means that I cook a fair amount.   But this week I turned up the burners and really exerted myself on some new recipes.  On Wednesday night I made a Hamburger Casserole.  It was Italian in nature with Italian seasonings, hamburger, cheese and egg noodles. (The recipe didn’t call for it but I added a hogs load of garlic and hot pepper flakes!).   It was a winner; however we have both discussed one or two tweaks that would make it over the top delicious.  Chalk up a win for me!   On Tuesday night  I made a Turkey Rice dish.  It sounded good on paper.  I even doubled the garlic (hey, we like garlic so I almost always double the garlic in a recipe).  Yet the dish was BLAND BLAND BLAND!   It was edible…but we resorted to various techniques to make it something that we wanted to eat (I utilized a bottle of honey mustard….Jason utilized a bottle of hot sauce.) fail!! On Monday night I finally used the spiralizer that my mom gave me a month or two ago.  I made zucchini noodles and served that with garlic steak bites.  This was DELICIOUS!  It will definitely be on the meal rotation again …and soon!

My eating has been pretty spot on.  I’ve been doing really well.  I’ve been down at the low end of my calorie goal range most days.  It’s been hard for sure and  the after work snack has been a problem spot for me. (This problem is not new.....as evidenced in this previous post !).   But I’m managing regardless! 

On Thursday I packed my lunch.  It was a typical lunch, mostly fruits and some protein.  All morning I debated with myself.  I debated the merit of not eating my lunch and going to the cafeteria instead.  I debated eating my fruit and going to the cafeteria anyway.  I went back and forth!  It was a brutal battle in my mind!    I didn’t go to the cafeteria.  However, I did pull out the Reece’s Pieces that I have in my desk drawer.  I have been SO good about them.  I literally count out a portion on my napkin and put the container away (out of sight, out of mind) and I nibble on my 10-16 pieces all afternoon.  (How many pieces have been dependent on how many calories I have available in my day’s food budget.)  I eat them one at a time….SLOWLY.  I have done this every day this week and have been victorious....until yesterday.  I was so victorious over the cafeteria debate that I decided to pull out the Reece’s for a few nibbles during my afternoon.  SOMEHOW, in my celebratory haze over my cafeteria victory I sat the open container in front of me instead of counting out my portion.  I BROKE MY OWN RULE!  I failed miserably! Yes, I ate every last one that was left!  I ate probably about 30-40 …..much more than I normally eat!  Oops….Still equal to or less than a full serving (51 pieces is apparently a serving size)…but too many for me!    What’s worse?  I have no more for Friday.  It was really working to ration them out and have a bit each day.  Oh well…today I suffer! I will NOT buy more!!!

I have been able to walk most days.  The rain held me up on Thursday.  There was also one day that I just felt chilled to the bone and couldn’t see myself going out into the cold blustery day and walking in 40 degrees temps.  But I’m doing it!

 

My weight is slowly dropping.  SOOOO slowly!  I want fast!  I want speedy!  But that’s not how it is working for me.  And you know what?  That’s ok.  I haven’t given up anything I love.  Afterall, I was nibbling on Reece’s Pieces all week long.   I’m managing.  I’m making this work and not feeling deprived.  I’m LIVING LIFE in a healthy way!  And slow is ok.  Slow will still get me where I want to go.  Slow will give me a chance to LEARN and the more I learn, the better the odds that I can make this a ‘forever’ lifestyle. 

 

Mid month check in: it’s UGLY

 

I can hardly believe that we are midway through the month of March!  How crazy is that?  Time is just flying!   I am so happy to see spring arrive!  I get tired of the dark cold of winter!   So I figured that this week for my Friday post I will touch base on all that has happened in the month of March thus far  and see what I have been doing in terms of healthy living.

Before we go any further, let me say that I am in complete despair!  A few days ago I mentioned my knee hurting.  It was really bad last Friday and while I have had moments of if feeling ‘ok’, I have also had moments of constant horrible pain with it.   I know arthritis.  I know that I have two things that I need to do with all due haste.  I know that I need to lose weight!  I need to do this sooner rather than later.  I also know that I need to exercise.  It sounds counterintuitive to exercise and use the painful knee, but I KNOW that exercise will help in the long run.   I have taken some healthy steps toward those two things in the last few days, and I AM proud of myself.  HOWEVER, yesterday morning I was in the car on the way to work.  (Why do I have these deep thoughts in the car during my commute…..the other week it was during my commute and listening to Pink ..ohhh my, I was listening to Pink again today…maybe it’s not the commute, but rather the music of Pink!  I know I used to say that I had better runs when I listened to her music while running….maybe….)  I was driving and rubbing my aching knee and I had the most despairing fearful thought.  What if?  What if I had dodged the bullet with my arthritic knees the last time by losing the weight.  But what if that was only a one time ‘pass’.  What if the damage this time was permament?  What if losing weight would not fix the problem?  What if exercise had no bearing on managing the pain?   What if I was destined to live a life of pain in my knee for the rest of my life.   How would I survive that?   Was it too late?  How many free passes does one get in their life for something like this?   (And let me be clear….when I lost the weight it didn’t go away….it was just greatly reduced and quite a bit more manageable.)  By all things that are holy, these thoughts scared the living daylights out of me.  I’m NOT giving up!  I am going to try to fix this as soon as possible to try to minimize any long term damage that is currently happening.  I am going to push forward with the assumption that my efforts WILL be the change needed to get back to a more manageable level of arthritis.  I’ve got this!

 

So March.  In terms of my health it certainly came in like a lion!  I had set some monthly goals for myself for the month of March.

They are as follows:

1.        Track every bite of food

2.       Put money into the savings

3.       Weigh less 

4.       Do something active three times a week

5.       Keep my calories within my caloric range at least 6 days a week

6.       5000 steps a day.

A few days ago I sat down with my stats and I was APPALLED at my efforts for the month.  I’m telling you, the month came in like a Lion (now I just need to make it go out like a lamb).   I have always been brutally honest so here it is…the good (better look hard to find that), the bad (lots of that to see) and the ugly (oh yeah, it’s ugly).

1.        Tracking my food each and every day.  I THOUGHT that I had done this spectacularly.  But when I went to input my information onto my day planner (One place for all my information, so I transcribe the info from my various apps)  I found that on march 5 I failed to track anything at all.  I figured this out on Tuesday….a week later.  There was no way I remembered what I had eaten on Tuesday, so that is a total loss!    On the good side, I DID track every other day!

2.       Money into savings.  Ding ding ding.  I did this!

3.       Weigh less.  Uhhhh not happening.  I have fluctuated and have been most of the time at the high end of the fluctuation....so three pounds over my beginning of the month weight.  (It is starting to drop this week as I have really buckled down)

4.       Do something active.  My first 9 days of the month I did NOTHING!   I have done better this past week! (The fear about my knee spurred me forward.)

5.       Keep my calories within my caloric range at least 6 days a week.  In the first 9 days of the month, I was within my goal range only 3 times (maybe 4 since I didn’t track…but I better just say 3 times).  So a colossal failure!  That should have been 7 or 8 days of being within goal! (Once again this week I was scared...and I’ve been MUCH better)

6.       5000 steps a day.  Yup…I was failing this one too.  However, I have managed to pull it back around this last week with my evening walks with Jason.

As you can see.  The first week and a half was HORRIBLE!   The arthritis scare has brought about some changes!   The weather changing has brought about some of those changes!   (It’s easier to get out and walk /ride my bike when the weather is pleasant!).  I even got a lunch time walk in at work this week!!! 

So there you have it, my first half of March.  I told you it was ugly!   But I am slowly turning the ship around!   It is amazing how the fear of a life spent in arthritic pain really does make one see things differently.  And while the fear and despair about not being able to turn the tide on the arthritis is very real and very present, maybe I needed to think about the fact that I am SOON going to be out of free passes to abuse my body.  Eventually the damage will be non-manageable.    So if I can get it back under control again, I need to really focus on maintaining......no more chances taken with my body!

 

 

Could it be: reasons for the lack of success

Here we are again.  It’s Monday and the beginning of the week.  I can’t say that the weekend was anything spectacular in terms of healthy living.  But the weekend was exactly what I needed....a whole lot of simple pleasures and relaxation.  I did have a revelation that may or may not be what had been affecting me in my weight loss journey.   What was it? It’s all about stress and the affect that has on a body!

Stress?  What kind of stress am I under?  Seriously, I am deliriously happy in my relationship, what could be the issue?  Well let me backtrack a few months.  In Early December my employer took me off of one team and put me in training for a different team.  It was the same computer systems, which was nice. But it involves totally different procedures and rules.  No problem.  I learn easily and quickly so training has been a breeze.  Three months of training which brings us to the here and now.  It is time to launch this new product and go ‘live’.    As I mentioned before, I learn easily so ‘no problem’.  Except that there is a problem.  I still have many unanswered questions.  When asked the answer is ‘we still haven’t been informed’ or ‘we haven’t figured that out yet’.  What???  My ease of my job and the level of my job performance and the quality of my work (meaning the happiness of our the clientele I work with) is dependent upon these questions!  As if that is not stressful enough.  One week we are told the way to do a procedure, but it is very possible that within a week or two that the information will be changed to something totally different.  (As evidenced by a huge change..in a 42 page document that we were given minutes before we left on Friday...when we go live first thing on Monday). I’m not blaming anyone...it is just the nature of the beast when launching a new product and the support that accompanies the said product.  But...it leaves the nerves frayed a bit!  Regardless, I thought I was doing great.  I learn easily so quickly I became the voice that answered questions and the one  that coworkers have looked to.   For quite a few weeks I have been spending a portion of my days talking coworkers off the ledge in terms of stress and frustration.   I have reminded them that it WILL be chaotic and stressful but give it a few weeks and we will feel like pros. My pep talks have happened frequently and more and more often as the launch grew closer.  I was the strong one.....or so I thought.

I left work on Friday and could tell I felt jittery and off balance.  But it wasn’t until I got home and saw the welcoming smile and felt the warmth of Jason’s embrace that it came crashing down.  I had a complete  meltdown and all of MY pent up stress came pouring out.  It was somewhat surprising as I had no idea that this was all burning a hole inside me!   

The weekend has been a lot of me worrying and/or me trying to avoid thinking about what very well may happen today (we are supposed to launch...but there is a slight chance we won’t...at this point though I almost just want to do it and get this over with!).  Poor Mertz senses my unrest and spent the weekend watching me and trying to be as near me as possible....to offer comfort.  And of course Jason has been a trooper in his support and love.  Ready or not, here we go!!

I had this revelation about the stress and realized that the stress had most likely been burning a hole within me for a while.  Early Saturday morning (awake super early unable to sleep...darn stress) I realized that quite possible the silent ravages of stress had been affecting my weight loss efforts in February.....in case you didn’t know, the results were a bit dismal  I’m not using the stress as an excuse...I am the one in control. I’m just saying that stress probably drove some of my actions within the month of February.  Stress most likely drove my though processes and actions.   I would like to say that knowing this changed my behaviors this weekend.  It wasn’t awful, but my calories were high!  

The weekend was just what I needed. A time to decompress and just enjoy time.   We isn’t so much of anything note worthy, just enjoyed time together.   The two things I will mention:

* If you haven’t seen Bohemian Rhapsody...the movie about Queen, do it!!!!   We rented it (5.99 on Amazon) and it was well worth the money!

* How connected are you with your partner when you get the exact same fortune in your cookie that he gets???!  Yup...it happened on Friday night!!

So, here I am at the cusp of a new week!  I’m still filled with trepidation at what lies ahead.  But it’s life and therefore I have no choice but to face it head on!   The stress is here.  Now that it had raised its ugly head I am hyper aware of it lurking within and doing its damage in my thoughts and physical being.  I know that the stress will have an affect upon my weight loss efforts not just in the physical aspect of how my body works internally, but also with how my mind and emotions react with food.  I am going to have to guard against the stress eating and poor choices until these new job tasks become second nature!  

Out with the old, in with the New

Welcome March!  I for one am happy to pay February to rest for lots of different reasons.  I am more than happy to get one step closer to spring and summer.  March means a time change so we can get away from the infernal darkness (seriously...all week long in the winter...I barely see the sun because I am sequestered in a building...aka working, and the evenings are...dark!).  The other reason I’m ready for March?  Well, February wasn’t a great month for weight loss!  There was effort for sure!   But there was not a whole lot of success!

Let’s start with the goals for the month!  I had some monthly goals....let’s see how I did!!!

1. Track every bite of food. Victory!!!!!  I managed to continue tracking every bite!

2.  Put money into my savings. Success!!!  I managed this AND managed to also pay for my name to be removed from the property that I continue to co-own with my ex!  (The process is still in the works...but getting closer to completion!)
3.  Weigh less than I do now!  I don't care if it's a measly ounce...I want to weigh less!   Failure!  Big time failure!  I not only do not weight less, but I weight more!   My only positive is that I remained within the ‘three pound range’ of fluctuation that I am ok with!  I actually somehowmanacrd ONLY a 0.6 pound Gail for the month...so a half pound gain. Grrrr!
4.  Do something active (a walk suffices) at least 3 times a week. Not a total failure!  I did manage to get a bit more exercise this past month.   I managed to start running ....on the weekends.  I also managed to get a few lunchtime walks in (amidst the snow and cold).  But a consistent three times a week?  Yeah that didn’t happen!  Failure!

5.  Keep my calories within my caloric range at least six days a week....with and emphasis on getting the calories to the lower end of that range as often as possible!  I didnt do too badly with this...surprisingly!  But I didn’t nail it.  The first week of the month I did great!  The second week of the month I did horrible due to a holiday and a planned splurge on a weekend trip.  The last two weeks of the month weren’t horrible.  

So where does that leave me?  For one, I am Disgusted  with myself for wasting a month of effort with nothing to show for it!  But it leaves me with an idea of what I need to do in March.  I have my goals for March.  (The same goals as February actually...I need to totally nail these goals before moving on and adding new ones!). But I also have some ideas of changes that I need to enact.  So I guess it’s time to get into the goals and changes!

Goals for March:

1.  Track every bite of food

2.  Put money into my savings
3.  Weight less than I do now!  I don't care if it's a measly ounce...I want to weigh less!
4.  Do something active (a walk suffices) at least 3 times a week.

5.  Keep my calories within my caloric range at least six days a week....with and emphasis on getting the calories to the lower end of that range as often as possible!  

6.  Step goal on my Fitbit.  150,000 steps for the month.  

As you can see it is the same as February except that I added a sixth goal.  150,000 steps for the MONTH scares me. (Much to my shame)  My job is very sedentary and if I don’t do anything but get up, go to work, go home and make dinner  I end up only getting about 3 thousand steps a day.   This is a pitiful number of steps!  I SHOULD  be getting 10K steps!    But for the sake of doing these changes in baby steps, I am aiming for 5k steps a day.  (And I’m even giving myself a total free day...150k steps is 5k steps for 30 days...March as 31 days!).  This goal scares me...even though I know it had the potential of being VERY easily obtained!

So what are my plans?  

1.  I am going to focus on foods.  The sweet treats, even though they are calculated and entered into my food tracker are weighing me down.  I also knowfrom past  experience that if I eat too many carbs that I do not lose weight.  So I need to work on limiting that!  I just need to clean up my eating!

2. Exercise is another area.  I have promised myself so many times only to break that promise and vow ‘tomorrow’.  Well I am making the promise of three times a week.  When I wrote about this in a recent blog post, Sarah from 3purplethings.blogspot.com commented about promises.  She commented that she makes a promise to her husband or family members and she keeps it.  So I need to start thinking of these ‘tomorrow I will start’ comments as promises to myself.  I respect other people and therefore keep my promises to them...now it’s time to respect myself and keep my promises to myself.  This will involve actually scheduling exercise into my daily routine.  But I’m going to do my best!!!

I think that is enough planning and plotting for the moment!  I KNOW that I have what it takes to make this happen!  I know that I have it into me to lose weight and lie a healthy lifestyle!!!!  Now is the time to do it!!!!

Missing in Action in weight loss land

I know, I know, I know!  I have been mysteriously quiet in my blog.  Last week I did manage to post two times...but while I was proud of the content, they were seriously lacking in personal details about my healthy lifestyle/weight loss life.  That is because they were things that I had written a week or two earlier....I wrote nothing last week.  I know...that is typically a bad sign in any weight loss blog/website!  I don’t know what happened to me.  I just really was not feeling the journey last week!  REALLY not feeling it!

So did I go off the rails with my eating?   Absolutely not!!!   Through my lackluster attitude I continued to track each and every day!   I actually managed to keep my calories within my goal range except for two days. The first day was Friday  and I WOULD have been ok except for one thing....Girl Scout Cookies.  I’ll get there in a moment.   But for the week I didn’t do too badly.  I didn’t get any formal exercise through the workweek and while I had fleeting moments of thought about it, I just didn’t ‘feel’ it.  So I didn’t.   Bad choice....sometimes we have to do things we don’t particularly want to do!  Saturday was just plain and simple a planned indulgence as we were away for a weekend getaway (more on that later also!).  Friday’s calories were 1900...Saturday’s?? 2200!  Yikes!!!  I haven’t even put in yesterday’s calories yet...that’s coming up as soon as I hit the publish button on this post. I don’t expect it to be super high...but it’s not 1200 I bet!!  I rarely go over 1500...that’s my normal ‘high’!

Something clicked at the very end of the week last week and I knew that I wanted to be thin.  I knew that I wanted to be healthy.  I knew that I was willing to make the changes necessary.  So on Saturday morning while I laid in bed in my cozy warm cocoon,  I knew what I had to do.   I had to leave that warmth and go out for a run.   Out in the cold!  I scowled.  I moaned.  I delayed it as long as I could...but I knew I had to go!  So I crawled out of bed and went for a run before we left for our weekend adventure!

Short but brutal run is done!

I did it!  And I took a picture as proof!!!  They say the first step is the hardest...we shall see!!!  It may have been negated by the planned indulgence in my food when while we were away...but I at least took the steps to try to even and balance things out!!

Sooo Girl Scout Cookies?   On Thursday, the owners of the building that my company is located within had one of their giveaway/events in the lobby.  (Sometimes it’s a dessert bar, sometimes it’s free popcorn...any number of things) They do this particular one every year about this time.  What is this one?  They give out Girl Scout Cookies!   Not a cookie, they give everyone a box of Girl Scout Cookies.   Last year I got my box of Tagalongs and immediately went home and packaged them up in ziplock snack bags... two in each bag.  It worked splendidly!   This year I wasn’t so smart! I opened the box on Thursday night and extracted the amount of cookies I wanted to eat (aka what my calorie count had room for).  I carried those cookies into the living room and savored them!    Friday nights I made a fatal flaw.   I grabbed the box and took the box into the living room.  I extracted 4 cookies (two servings which is bad to begin with...but at least still somewhat limited!). I ate them and continued to watch tv.   That box stared me in the face.  Do I really have to go into detail about what went down?suffice it to say that the EMPTY box went into the garbage can when I got up to go to bed!   700 calories of Girl Scout Cookies....the Tagalongs!!!  Well that was a stupid move!!!

As previously mentioned, we planned  to go away for the weekend!  We were both so utterly excited!!!!  We went to our favorite hotel...and just enjoyed stepping away from the normal hum drum aspect of life.  It was a good weekend.   We relaxed.  We hit up some stores and did a little bit of outdoor activities.  (It was cold and breezy so not too much).  It was just what we needed.   I may have even needed a weekend of ‘planned aplurge’ To step away from the constant onslaught of emotions and thoughts that are constantly forefront in my mind in regards to my choices about food.  And now it’s monday and I am ready to rock this healthy living!!!

On the path to health: goal review

Where in the world did January go????  I blinked and it’s gone!!!!   But with the end of January and the beginning of February it is time to report on my January goals and set some perameters for February!

In January I set a mission for myself.   It wasn’t anything in depth...but it turned out to be a perfect plan for me!  My mission for January???

1. Track every bite of food
2.  Put money into my savings
3.  Weight less than I do now!  I don't care if it's a measly ounce...I want to weigh less!
4.  Do something active (a walk suffices) at least 3 times a week.

I am proud to say that I tracked every darn bite!   Ironically I found that if I was tracking, even though there was no goal or plan to keep my calories in check that I just naturally worked to keep my calories in check!   But I had the freedom to still mess up...I only had to track!!!  So I totally nailed this one!!

I am happy to announce that my savings account grew!!!   Woohoo!   (And it should start growing faster soon....I found out the other morning that I was given a promotion at work....a grade level higher.  So a promotion in my career and a bigger pay check!)

I was sweating out this next goal...which was to weigh less!   On January 1 I weighed 252.8.....I dropped mid month to 250.8.  And then my weight went up for some unknown reason....but I managed to pull off a 251.6 to end the month.   It’s a loss of 1.2!   I said I would be happy if it were a loss of ANYTHING...well I am happy!   Slow is better than nothing...and it’s much better than a gain!!

The last one...exercise....fail....fail...fail!  Miserably so!   I got some walks/hikes in on the weekend...but my three times a week?  It just didn’t happen!!

Sooo. What are February goals looking like???  Honestly, quite similar!!    The big difference is that I’m going to put a bit more restrictions on my food...but loose enough that I can still ‘fail’ but succeed!!!  So without further ado....

1.  Track every bite of food

2.  Put money into my savings
3.  Weight less than I do now!  I don't care if it's a measly ounce...I want to weigh less!
4.  Do something active (a walk suffices) at least 3 times a week.

5.  Keep my calories within my caloric range at least six days a week....with and emphasis on getting the calories to the lower end of that range as often as possible!  

So pretty much the same goals...just a bit of a restriction in saying that I have to be within my caloric range!   So there you have it, past, present and future goals!  

A glitch in thinking: weight loss emotions

How often do we feel like giving up??? How often do we just want to throw in the towel and say ‘enough is enough’.  I’m done attempting to do this weight loss thing.  It is bound to happen.  And happen it did to me this week!

After my fabulous weekend when I smashed my goals but showed a gain on the scales I headed into the work week super motivated to knock this weight loss into high gear.   I had already stocked the house with healthy snacks and nutritious foods so I was ready!

On Monday I rolled through my day pretty well.  I kept to my plan and honestly feel as if I did well.   And the scales still didn’t budge!   So on Tuesday while I stayed on plan....I really dealt with a whole lot of emotional angst!  My underlying thought that tippled through my brain at regular intervals was the concept of ‘is this even worth it?’   I mean, I like myself.  I’m head over heels in love and he doesn’t seem to mind my excess weight. So seriously...why am I torturing myself?   What in the world am I doing?

Now even as I write this a day later, part of me just wants to end the post right there.   But I have to be fair....I am doing this for a variety of reasons.

I want to be fit and active.   I want to be able to hike and ride my bike and do things.  I want to wear neat clothes and not be self conscious about my body.  And I want to be the way I was when I lost the weight.  I had so much energy, I had so much pep in my step, I felt on top of the world!  I want that.

But yet...on days where progress is just not happening I question my determination to do this to completion!

I am still working on this.  I don’t know what the problem is.  In an e-mail to a friend yesterday I talked about where I’m at.  It seems as if the only thing I can do is drop my calories to 1200...because I’m not losing at 1500 calories.   I didn’t want to do that because that level is very ‘restrictive’ and I have been trying to find a balance...even if it is a much slower weight loss journey for me....it would be a good trade off.  But that said, I’m barely maintaining at 1500 calories.  Tracking every bite...my food for yesterday??  Banana for breakfast...side salad with cheese (for protein) with honey mustard dressing (the only non veggie things in the salad was the cheese and salad dressing) and I also had some cut up fresh pineapple for lunch.     For dinner I had a cup of leftover spaghetti and a bowl of vegetarian three bean chili ....I had fat free sour cream with the chili....I was still hungry so I ended my dinner with 1/2 cup cottage cheese....which hit the spot.   

That is a typical day.   Banana for breakfast, fruit and a salad (or a pb&j) for lunch, and a nututious balanced dinner.    (Tonight is a Parmesan Chicken, Baked zucchini Parmesan and another side veggie or roasted potatoes...as yet undetermined...pretty balanced)

So who knows!  I have not given up...just allowing my emotional angst to play itself out and hopefully go away!  

We had snow lasts night...and now cold.  Lucky us (and lucky most people in the stares as the cold is pretty widespread!). So I will leave you with a snow picture!!

In the meantime....I’ll keep fighting the emotional demons down!!!