Love or Fear

I recently heard someone make a comment about fear or love.  It really made me think!   What was the comment? We make decisions based on one of two reasons.  Fear or love.  

People gravitate toward love…it’s the trait that draws people in.  It’s the trait that we need for ourselves to draw ourselves in and make us successful.  But I many times make choices based on fear.  

I can see how when I was making big choices out of fear how it drew people into my life that were predators.   People that used me.  People that had their own agenda and needed someone driven by fear so that they could fulfill whatever they were trying to do in life.  (Subconsciously or otherwise).    Over and over this happened.  I got married the first time based on fear.  Fear that I would never know love…never have a family and that I would be alone forever.    And look how that turned out.  (Divorced).   I had friends that gravitated to me…friends (or not so  much friends it turned out) that were more intent on their agenda and they needed someone that was making choices on fear…..because it gave them power.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that when I was divorced and in the dating arena that I was meeting straight up idiots.  I was making choices based on fear.   And it shouldn’t shock me that when I finally got the self confidence to make choices based on love, not love for another person, but love for myself that I met an amazing man…one that I now call husband. I wrote about the following  revelation in my book Frog or Prince (you can purchase it here) 

 

The real revelation though?  I wasn't until I stood up for myself and accepted myself as a single confident lady that I was ready to move on with my life.  It wasn't until I did the unheard of things.  I purged friendships that weren't healthy.  I found happiness in single life.  I stood up for myself with a bunch of dating losers.  I went on two vacations by myself.  (Vacationing by oneself invokes pity by almost everyone...but really isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.)  It is coincidence that I met Jason right as I made that discovery I had purged the people and booked the vacations and almost immediately we started to talk......I don't think it's coincidental at all.  I had to heal and make that major discovery so that I could go into a true loving relationship with a man while at peace and in love with myself.

But somehow, over the last years, I slipped back into the Maryfran of old.  That confidence that I found when I met Jason slipped away.  And I started making choices based on fear again.   My self confidence has taken another downward dip….and many of my choices are being made out of fear.

 

I’m not losing weight because I love myself.  I have been trying to lose weight because I’m afraid of the future if I don’t!    I have written on this blog so many times that the weight didn’t come off the first time until I learned to love myself.   I am worth it.   I am worth every ounce of time and energy it takes to make me even more awesome than I already am.  (And I need to start believing that I am awesome!) I am deserving of being the person that I want to be!

It’s time to love myself again!

 

My dog obviously loves me!

 

Plans for May

 April is almost done and I really have nothing good to say about it!   Well, at least in terms of my weight loss!  There were some good things that happened in April...just not with my weight loss efforts!

The Good

We have been able to start getting out and working on the yard again!   The property we bought was rented for quite a few years. Renters didn't do anything to better the property.  In fact, when tree limbs dropped, they must have apparently just pushed them into the closest flower bed.....and they stacked up.  There were rocks scattered everywhere...in flower beds, under trees, you name it  Rocks, we have a plenty!   We can envision the yard when it is back into great shape, but we also are realistic enough to know that it will take years for us to have the time (and money) to do what we want.  So last year we reclaimed one or two flower beds....and just maintained.  This year we plan on reclaiming a bit more and maintaining everything.   As we are reclaiming, we are trying to planT perennials.  It's more expensive now, but in the long run will save us so much time and money to not have to replant....to just maintain with some mulch some pruning/dividing and a little bit of weed pulling.  As spring rolled around, we started to work outside again.  It is very satisfying to see a brush pile shrink!    We fixed the back steps that were in dire need of help.  We enjoyed the time with each other...and our pets!   It wasn't a bad month.

The Bad

So the bad comes into play when I got a stomach bug.   I rolled into April strong!  I was exercising heavily.  I was drinking lots of water.  I was tracking every bite and eating within the confines of my set plan.  I was killing it!  Well, I was killing it for the first 2 days!   And then I picked up a stomach bug!   The bug threw me off my healthy lifestyle. I fell apart on almost every aspect of my healthy habits.  Water....what's that?  Tracking.......yeah right?   The ONLY thing I continued was my daily exercise.  I of course didn't exercise the week I was sick.  But the following week I was back at it religiously!  But everything else was a bust!

I ended the month at almost exactly the same weight that I started the month!   Disappointing....but I also know that's a miracle in itself!

The Plan

I had started the month of April with a plan.  A challenge for myself.  I was so excited about it.  It was a points value system for myself to compete against myself with.   Every day I would earn points.  Everything I did that was healthy would earn me a point..or more.   Every day, I would just need to better my number..compete against my previous day!   Compete against my previous week.   Compete against myself to keep earning more and more points. (the original post can be found here)

I am planning to restart this challenge and I'm excited about it for sure!

So the points system...

Weight - I earn one point for any loss or maintain on my weekly weigh in day. (only one point per week)

Track -  I can earn one point per day - just for tracking my food and my efforts

On track eating - I can earn one point per day for eating within the confines of my set eating plan

Water -  Every 10 ounces of water I drink I will earn 1 point.  If I have a "bad day" and only drink 20 ounces....it's not a failure because I still earn 2 points.  But the days that I drink 70 ounces....well, I earn 7.  (drinking water is easy points!)

Fruit and Veggies -   Quite simply I can earn one point for every fruit or vegetable that I eat.   Once again, I am celebrating the ONE serving I ate if that's all I ate.  But I am killing it with lots of points if I eat 6 servings!

Exercise-  I will earn 1 point for every 10 minutes of  cardio or strength exercise I do.  

Steps -  I will earn 1 point for every 1000 steps I take.

Yoga - (A new addition this month) - I can earn 1 point for a yoga session!  

We will always round down.  If I drink 59 ounces of water, it rounds down to 50 and I only earn 5 points....this should encourage me to take that extra sip of water to throw myself over the next milestone.  If I take 9800 steps, it rounds down to 9000 so 9 points. once again, by rounding down I should be encouraged to take a few more steps to get to the next milestone/point!

I'm ready to kick this weight in the teeth and knock it far far away!   April was a rough month, but I can make May amazing!

OUCH

​I am sore!    Is it sympathy pains or is it real soreness!  I don’t know but I’m cranking up the yoga!! 

Jason has been struggling with a shoulder pain that extends down his arm a bit.  He has been miserable.  It seems to be slowly getting better…but it’s been a long haul for him.   I swear, the guy can’t get a break.  First his foot and the great axe accident in October that brought mo the of pain and now this.  I knew it was bad when he said ‘I’m going to urgent care’.  He has a huge aversion to doctors!   So I’ve been worried about that.  But in the midst of talking to him he mentioned pinched nerve and I was like ‘oh, remember when I got that and it totally messed up my arm?’.    The urgent care told me it was a pinched nerve.  I struggled with it for a while and found that the best ‘medicine’ wasn’t medicine at all but movement…specifically yoga is what helped!   I did yoga religiously for a while…but then slipped up and stopped doing it quite so regularly.  So I recommended yoga to him. I’m 

The problem started a few days later when my arm started acting up….reminiscent of that pinched nerve pain.  Really?   I didn’t even want to mention it because it feels like I was trying to be an attention whore!   But honestly….I was struggling.  So I took my own advice and started doing yoga!

Then a few days later my trapezius muscle on the OTHER side of my back started to tighten up!  I had issues with that in the past also!   In the past the medical professionals had told me that I had a seized muscle in my back.  That pain was now back.   Really?  What is happening to me?

So I honestly half way have wondered if I am having sympathy pains.  But then again, I know that it’s real pain.   What sparked it?  It could be trying to corral a 70 pound puppy.  It could be the immense day of yard work that I completed last weekend….which included moving a huge pile of rocks!  Maybe I just slept wrong!   But it doesn’t matter…my upper back is sore!   (Ironically enough it used to always be my lower back that got me….it has moved upward with age!).   So I am still doing my normal exercise stuff…but cutting down the time a bit so that I can fit in a 10 minute quickly yoga session for shoulders neck and upper back!    Fingers crossed that it will help me…and fast!

Diving Deep into the Why

I've been on a roller coaster in terms of my weight loss the last few weeks.  It has caused me to step back and I spent some time this week in deep thought.   Why do I self sabotage.  What is wrong with me that I can go from being so super excited one minute to shoveling food into my mouth the next minute?   There has to be some underlying issue.  What in the world?

So let me recap what has been happening.  I got a stomach bug which was no fun at all!  However, I managed to lose  pounds through that time and I was loving that! (You can read about that here.)   I was determined to get right back to my tracking and exercise and use the 5 pounds as a spring board to a fantastic loss for the month of April.  I actually spent the first day of my planpreparing and doing great!   That lasted one day before I totally fell apart.  I totally self sabotaged myself. (You can read about that, .here) 

I would love to say that I wrote that last post about self sabotage and turned things right around.  However, to say that would be a huge lie!   I struggled.  OK, let me give credit where credit is due,   I actually had one aspect that I didn't struggle with.   I exercised!   The first day was a bit lower  intensity (but Mondays usually are).   But I got right back into my exercise routine and for that I am proud.   However weight is not lost in the gym...it's lost in the kitchen.   And in the kitchen, I failed big time.  

In the past I would aways just say "I self sabotaged and move on.  But for some unknown reason this time I sat back and really started to think about what is wrong in my thought process that makes me subconsciously self sabotage my efforts.  

My first thought was the relationship I have that is a bit negative.  Of course my mind went there first. I touched on it a bit in this post.   Afterall, that, jealousy over what I did have,  and their own misery that they had at that point deeply buried within themselves.  Sure, the comments hurt, a lot.  But I was able to see that the comments really didn't start until I was in my late  teens, ramped up as I become an adult and really escalated when this persons life fell apart (about 5 years ago).    My weight issues began long before the negativity began and growing up with this person was actually full of love. (Even in the throes of the negativity, I know this person loves me.)   So if that wasn't it, what was it?

Was it my fear of failure? I touched on it in a recent post, but I have talked about it many times over the years.  I am afraid of failing.  I am afraid to reach out and grab my goals and dreams.  Why would I be afraid of losing weight?   I wear my fat as a coat of armor around myself.  I don't have success with some aspect of life....well then it must be because I'm fat!   I didn't get a job years back....and while I STILL feel that a large part of it was due to my weight , I know that I have used my weight as my excuse was to why I didn't get it. Instead of looking at realistically and with clear eyes, I blame my weight.  It's easier to blame my weight than it is to blame myself.  Once again, I'm sure that this has a bit to do with my self sabotage but again, this started in adulthood.  I once was fearless and confident and ready to face the world head on.......even though I was a fat woman.  So nope, the weight issues predated that.   So Back to the drawing board I went with a determination to try to figure this mystery out.

I pondered, I thought, I prayed.  I want to get to the bottom of this and fix myself from the inside out.  All week long I was thinking.  I kept coming up blank.  But throughout the week I started to think about friends from my childhood.  I'm sure some of it was triggered by the 'walk through the past' that I do with my mom when I visit her. (I pick a house that we lived in...or a church we attended...or a vacation.....and I dredge up memories and talk about them with mom.  Some days she is out of it and can not remember any of her own to share...but some days she jumps in and shares her own memories....which I LOVE.)    As memories surfaced in my head throughout the week I had a few fleeting nolstagic moments where I longingly thought about times where I was surrounded by friends, but I moved on.  It wasn't until about 203 days ago that it hit me......and once the realization came to me, it all made sense.....

I am an extrovert living an introvert life.....and I use food to fill the void.  

So let me go back to the beginning.  We lived in Johnstown (PA) and I had been in school with the same people for years.  I knew everyone.  I had friends at school that I spent time with in and out of school.  My dad's church had kids my age that I spent time with at church and out of church.  The neightborhood had lots of kids...so I spent a lot of time outside playing with people.  I was a healthy  (if not dainty) sized gal.  When I was 12 years old my family relocated to Brooksville (FL).  In one fell swoop I becamse the new person in school.  The outcast in a sea of people that had been friends since they were 5 years old.  Sure I made friends, but my friend base was very small....1 or 2 people. (I actually was friendly with everyone and had no enemies.  I could talk to anyone..but I remained on the outskirts of every social group...never really breaking in and making a lot of friends.  The church that my father ministered at was small and there wasn't really anyone my age.   As for people my age in the neighborhood, that didn't happen either.  I was cut adrift.   

 We moved north when I graduated from high school.  I ended up attending a Junior College which in my experience was not conducive to making friends. It was a continuation of high school for most people my age.  They were there with their lifelong friends.   The older people were already entrenched in their own lives.  Once again, I was friendly with everyone but it was an acquaintance style interaction.   My dad's church once again had no one my age...I was in this limbo age...the closest single person being 10 years younger and about 8 years old.  (I got some great babysitting gigs though!)    I transferred to a four year college for my  forged two years earlier.  But I fell into a good group of people and once again lived a life full of friendships and I loved it.

Graduation occured and I ended up back in the area where my parents lived.....with no friends.  Through my adult years things ebbed and waned in terms of friends.  I would make one or two friends at a time but then life would pull us in different directions.....and I would go back to being alone with few friends.  Right before the demise of my first marriage I had friends galore......it was awesome.  But then a divorce and change of circumstances and I was again left with very few friends.  

And that is the root of my problems.  As I said earlier, I'm an extrovert living an introvert lifestyle.  Once I realized that, it all made sense.  I was healthy sized until we went to Florida....and then I lost weight.  I turned to food as my friend when I had none and I gained weight.   

Most people go to college and GAIN weight .  I went to college for my Junior and Senior years and guess what?  I LOST weight.  I lost a fair amount of weight.  I don't know the actual amount of weight I lost, but I know that when I graduated that I was 2 sizes smaller! Coincidence?  

Before the demise of my first marriage I had lots of friends (some ended up not being friends....but that's a whole different story).  I was at my lowest weight!  

Over and over, I was able to see that when I was living a life full of friends I consistently weighed a lot less.  It's the periods where I am not surrounded by friends and people that I find myself weighing a lot more.   I fill the void with food.

I honestly don't know how to fix the problem.  Making more friends would be the most obvious.  hahaha.   But seriously.  I don't know for sure that this is the problem...but it all makes sense.  maybe just knowing why I"m eating will help me control it!  

And yes.....just writing this out makes me feel lame and sad.  But hey, this has never been a place that I hold back and don't express my totally honest feelings and findings.  

I sabotaged Myself

​I self sabotaged and I'm so disappointed in myself!  Why do I do these things?

In my last post I was so excited because I actually had lost 5 Pounds.  True, it was due to a stomach bug.  But seriously, I don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!   I was pumped because I was determined that I was going to make sure that I didn’t gain that hard won weight back!  I had a plan!  I planned my weekend and I was ready to see it through.   

I took a day off on Friday so that I could clean the house and get everything in line.  I was on the go all day!  I implemented my plan.  I prepared the food that I needed and I was doing great!   I was exhausted by the end of the day because I was literally on the go from 5AM until 7PM!    Zoe stayed in step with me all day…she was one tired puppy!

Saturday is where it went downhill.  I started the day with heading down the road to see my mom.  I started early and had my water with me.  I do intermittent fasting so I SHOULD have been good until I got home at 12-1!  I ran a few errands on the way there and I couldn’t get food out of my mind!   I wanted food….junk food!   Yeah, I ended up getting a McDonald’s breakfast meal.  (Bacon egg cheese bagel).   First of all…there was no way I was really hungry!  Second of all…McDonald’s?     In my mind I was thinking,  ‘all is not lost, I can not eat lunch and I’ll make up the difference’.  Ha!  Famous last words!   I ate lunch when I got home.  Of course I did!   Dinner was Five guys.  Seriously, one burger is my full daily allotment of calories!   Ohhh. And that healthy snack that I had prepared…it went out the window when we ended up picking up a cake from the store.  Of course I had cake!     Saturday was a bust!

Sunday was Easter.   I nibbled in the morning while I prepped.  I ate a full lunch.   And I was honestly stuffed when I was done.  I wasn’t hungry for dinner.  But did that stop me from having a ham salad sandwich and a piece of cake?  Of course it didn’t!

  What is wrong with me????

The weekend was tiring!  I was on the go for pretty much every second …from sun up on Friday until sundown on Sunday.   I’m telling you…the pup mirrored my energy!

It’s Monday morning.  I recommenced exercise after my week off due to being sick.   My exercise and energy was totally lackluster.  I know it!  Mondays are typically more rough…so I’m not panicked.  

I have to tally up points for the first week of April for my points challenge.    It was definitely NOT the week I envisioned when I planned my challenge.  But that’s ok.  I wanted to plan a challenge that would allow me to compete against myself and NEVER feel like a failure!  Beating last weeks number SHOULD be easy this week!!!

I wouldn’t recommend It

​I inadvertently tried a new weight loss plan this week!   It was quite successful!  However, I wouldn’t recommend it in the slightest!

I actually lost about 5 pounds this week!   Fantastic right?   I’ll take it!  And I’m doing my best to ensure that the weight loss remains and was not some fluke!   But let me tell you, I don’t want to follow that weight loss method again anytime soon!

What was my method?  I had a stomach bug.  Yes, I was sick.  The stomach ailment lingered too.  I got sick on Sunday.  Monday was really rough.  I tried to start eating on Tuesday…and managed to eat some toast.  A banana.  I think I managed all of three to four hundred calories.  Wednesday I think I ate all of 700 calories!    I am back to  normal eating…but still don’t feel quite right after eating….which is keeping my portions small.   I’ll take it!  Maybe it will help me get my portion sizes under control!  

So what havoc did the stomach bug wreak on my project 50 challenge?  I honestly thought about the challenge, but had no energy or gumption to do anything about it.   Some of the habits carried over.  Even though it wasn’t a lot, I actually tracked what I ate.  But other habits, went up in smoke.  I mean, there was no way I was exercising. I struggled to even get Zoe out to potty on some days!   I am not worried about it.   I’m working toward health and wellness….and being well sometimes means stepping back for a few days…or a week, and allowing your body to heal!   

What does this mean for my points challenge that was set to start on the first?   I am still counting my points.  That is the beauty of the points system.  I still did some things…just not as much as I would have normally done. But do you know what?  Those points I did earn are my most proud ones!!  The points system recognizes effort. I still lose…there is one point.  I still tracked every day.  There is a point.   I ate some bananas.  Point point point.  I did get some steps.  I mean, the first day I made it back to three thousand steps…that was a victory!   I earned those three points that day!   

So all is not lost.   It was a week of recovery.  I’m planning on diving in hard this next week!!!

Adding a new challenge

I’ve got a new plan!   I know, I’ve written about a new plan a gazillion times!  That means that my plans don’t always work…but I’m still out here trying….so that is what matters!

It’s no secret that I’ve been struggling!  Seriously, I wrote about it last week when I somehow managed a maintain for my weigh in! I would love to say that things got better this week.   But I continued to struggle!  I seem to lack motivation and willpower.   The sad thing is that I KNOW that I lack it but I just can’t seem to get my act together.   So I’m true Maryfran fashion I sat back and tried to think about when I was super motivated and full of willpower.  If I can figure out what was so magical back in those times maybe I can recreate it!

The first thing that comes to mind was when I was attending weight watchers meetings.  Those meetings kept me straight!  The meeting and my weigh in were always looking in front of me and it kept me on point and motivated.  The meetings and camaraderie with the other attendees was so inspiring.   The meetings Bolstered my willpower week in and week out.  Unfortunately meetings aren’t in the cards for me right now.  WW has closed most in person meetings.   There is exactly ONE that I could possible make it to…and that would be a stretch.   Plus, money is tight right now as we try to recover from Jasons’s unexpected ‘holiday’ from work as he recovered from his encounter with an axe. (Read about it here.). So paying the extra for in person meetings is doable but not wise considering the meetings would be hit or miss anyway.  On top of that, I am questioning Weight Watchers and their current beliefs and current system.  But that is a post for another day. (I promise I’ll write about it!!). So at this point weight watchers is not the magic for me.

I then started to think about the weight loss challenges that I have been a participant in.   Honestly, I was never the winner of any of the competitions.  (I am pretty sure one was rigged….I even had some other people tell me that it was fishy…but that’s another different story.  Hahaha).  But the act of being in the competition was good for me.   I work well competitively!   I also loved the competitions that I was in because they included lots of emails, lots of chats, lots of real time interaction.   That was good for me!   So hmmm, maybe could look into a challenge.    I’m where do I find a challenge?   I started on MyFitnessPal.   I looked at their challenges.  And some seemed really good.  But they don’t seem to offer the interaction that I need.  I looked at DietBet.  Bit once again the money thing…and also the interaction in the one that I did was lacking.  Another bust.     Then I stumbled upon doing my own challenge!   I was excited!  but how to pull it off?   I am working on it in my mind!     I know that it will be a point system.  And I know that weight loss is important but being healthier is even more important.  So it will incorporate earning points for healthy things.     I am fine tuning and plan to test drive the point system.  But here is what I have right now:

Weight loss.  This is worth one point each week.  If I  lose OR Maintain my weight I can earn a point.

Tracking-   For me this means tracking my food and my points.  And it is worth one point each day.

Keep my eating on track-   For me I aim for a certain calorie count (points) .  If I keep it within 200 calories I will consider it a win…and I will warn one point.

Fruits and veggies-   Every serving I eat is worth one point.

Exercise/activity-  here is where the points can start to be wracked up like crazy.    Every 10 minutes of exercise will earn one point.   The trick is that I will ALWAYS round down.  If I exercise 19 minutes it will only be 1 point.  If I push through for that extra minute then I have reached 20 minutes and I can earn two points.  The sky is the limit.  10 minutes of walking…1 point.   20 minutes exercise class…2 points.   These points are stackable…earn as many as possible.  It also doesn’t matter what I do.  An exercise class/video.  Awesome.   Push mowing…we’ll that counts just as much!  Activity is good!

Steps-  I have pondered the aspect of giving points for steps.  But ultimately decided to do so.  This will take into account that day that I am exercising and run out of time…at 38 minutes.   I would only get 3 points since I round down…BUT; I can still earn points for the movement through my steps!     So for points, there will be one point for each 1000 steps!    Once again…rounding down.   If I’m getting ready to go to bed and see that I am at 9900 steps, that is only 9 points.  If I ante up another 100 steps (in that situation) I would earn 10 points.   Once again…rounding down will hopefully push me to get those extra steps!

Last but not least, I have water-   1 point for every 10 ounces of water.  Rounding down.  It doesn’t matter if I am nobly a sip’ away from 10…if it is less than 10 I don’t earn that point’

This plan requires total honestly from me.  I’m ok with that.  If I cheat, I am only cheating myself!!!   The emphasis is on living a healthy life and not the weight loss.   Weight loss is definitely a goal….but being healthy is the ultimate goal.

I haven’t given up on my project 50.   That is still going strong!   I’m just incorporating a bit of excitement into my life.

As I said, I’m thinking about offering a challenge…I will ante up a prize for the winner.   But for this test period my goal is to continually better my numbers!   I do want to throw out a personal reward though.   I calculated it up.  If do everything perfectly.  Exercise 60 minutes a day….have 8k steps, 5 fruits and veggies I should earn roughly 185 points a week…roughly 750 a month.    That is perfection.   I would love perfection…but that is not realistic.  I am going to aim for 150 points each week.  If I can do that…then I will reward myself at the end of the month….not sure with what…yet.  But Mmmm and it won’t be a lot…or anything big.  

So let’s get this moving!!!   If you want to join in…let me know and you can test it out with me!

I couldn’t do it

​how many posts have I started with ‘another crazy week’?  I honestly think I need to go back and count!  It seems as if life is just nuts and doesn’t slow down!

I’ve been a bit stressed of late.  Zoe just turned 6 months old this mi th and she has decided to exert her stubborn will…..on me!    On no, she is an Angel (mostly) for Jason.  With me she is a little hellion!  I turn my back and she has her nose pressed against the bird cage.  I look the other way and she is digging into the recycle bin and shredding cardboard.  Running like a fool on the leash. It’s like every which way it’s something.  Worst of all is our forays outside.  She goes out happily enough.   But when it’s time to come in.  No dice!

So let me explain.  I have her all day …I take her out for her first potty at 5am while Jason is in the shower.  I have no issues with her coming in because she wants her breakfast.   Jaosn leaves at 6:3 and we are fine.  I take her out at about 7:30 and we roll around in the yard for about thirty minutes before I start work.   Once work starts I have very limited time that I can be away from my desk (yes it is monitored).  I get two 15 minute breaks and a 30 minute lunch.  I set an alarm for 13 minutes so I know that my time is about up and to get back to my desk (it was 14 but with Zoe I changed it to 13 in case I am outside).  Zoe was doing fantastic.   She would hear the alarm and immediately turn and walk toward the back door zzz. All was going smashingly well.  Until it didnt.   At the end of last week Zoe decided to start ignoring the alarm and ignoring me.   That alone is bad.  But she also would lay down in the yard and refuse to move.  70 pounds of dead weight!  I was back late from every break and lunch for 4 days.  I was so stressed!   I tried everything and ended up dragging her or carrying her.  On Monday I was dragging her into the house and she slipped her collar.  Luckily she was being stubborn and just laid there and didn’t realize she was free!   I started putting the harness on her every time we went out.   That worked a bit better because the harness has a handle and I literally pick her up and walk dragging her.  She usually starts reluctantly walking when she is in the walking position.  Silly dog…but the being late stresses me out big time!

I’ve also been stressed out over this project 50 thing that I started on March 1.   In particular the stress comes from the learning a new skill.  I chose to learn to knit.   I hate it!  It’s been a chore each and every time I go to pick up the knitting needles!   I dread it.  The time goes so incredibly slow.  I find no enjoyment from it!  I have been pushing through…because maybe I don’t like it because I’m not good at it!   Maybe I just need to knit enough to get me over that barrier and then I will love it! So I have continued on.   This week I came to the conclusion that putting myself through misery is NOT worth it.  Would I have ever learned to live kitting.  Maybe.  But probably not because I abhorred every minute of it!  I instead pulled out my long neglected quilt and started to work on it and loved it!  I had the time of my life.  The time flew!  

Is it a failure? Maybe.  But I’m looking at it as a victory.  I am listening to my mind and my body and doing something to make me happy!

Somehow and Someway

​Somehow and someway I did it!  

Last week was a total struggle!  I let the stress get to me and my Saturday was an absolutely disaster!  I didn’t let the total disaster spread through the whole week, but I totally struggled with getting back to being totally on plan!    I was within my points/calories the rest of the week but my choices were just…lacking!

So I was so afraid to step on the scales on  Friday. Some ask me how but I managed a maintain!  I’ll take it!

On Saturday I woke up and I the shower I was all strong. I was saying things like ‘yeah, I’ve got this.  Today is going to be a strong Saturday.  No breaking my fast early.  No fast food.   No crazy high caloric dinner.  In fact, I don’t even need dessert tonight!  I was so stinkin’ strong it was ridiculous!

I actually had a brief moment of coming on here and making my declaration!  But I didn’t …obviously!   I left the house to head to my mom’s.    I’m telling you…I was so super strong!    

That strength lasted maybe a mile.  I didn’t make it past the first tempting place!  I stopped at the first place that served breakfast….a convenience store!  (Sheetz if you are in the mid Atlantic region and know which store broke my willpower…..and honestly they have pretty tasty breakfast sandwiches that are made to order).  

I’m embarrassed to say that my Saturday was the exact same as the week before.  We even went back and had the exact same stinkin’ dinner!  (Which was also tasty!). Why do I do this to myself?????

Struggling

 I am totally struggling! I had a fantastic time last week in regards to my weight loss journey and now it seems to have totally slipped away into this big messy pile!

It started on Saturday morning.  I woke up and I just felt the heavy weight on me.  I was going to visit my mom.  I was expecting the visit to be a really rough one based on how she was on Friday night when I had talked to her and when my brother had talked to her.  I was not looking forward to going.  I got myself ready and headed out the door early. Sitting and worrying about what the visit may hold was not going to do me any good.  I didn't eat anything before I left...of course not; I am doing the 16:8 intermittent fasting plan.  So I wouldn't be due to break my fast until lunch time.   I was driving down the road and trying to psych myself up for the visit and all I could think about was food.   Food has always been my comfort and I wanted some that morning.  I got off the interstate halfway there and picked up a fast-food breakfast.  Not Healthy.  Not in keeping with my Intermittent Fasting plan.  NOT something I even needed.  That was purely me giving in to my food addiction.

It didn't end there.  I got home and I ate lunch.  And when Jason mentioned Cheeseburgers I was like "lets go to Five Guys".  I didn't get the mini cheeseburger.  I got the double patty one.  I also didn't forego the french fries.  No siree.  I ate French fries also.  My ww points were like 77 for the day ....calories were about 2200.  CRAZY

Sunday I did a bit better.  I didn't break my fast until the proper time.  I didn't cave and eat fast food.  I did indulge a bit too much.  But in the grand scheme I did better!

Monday I fell apart in other ways.  First of all, my glasses fell apart!  I have NEVER broken a pair of glasses.  I literally picked them up and the arm fell off.  Looking at the, not sure that they can be fixed...although I will try!  I didn't get any reading in...and I didn't get any knitting done.  So I totally messed up my Project 50 for the day.     I will say that reading is difficult with an old pair of glasses that are only for nearsighted and do not have the progressive lenses.  I have had a low grade headache since wearing the old glasses.    BUT, that really is just an excuse.  So I will be reading today no matter wht happens with my old glasses.  THe knitting....I have 40 minutes of kitting completed for the week.  I need 2 hours.  So i have 1 hour and 20 minutes left to finish ....by midnight tonight!   I'm gonna try!

I'm not out for the count.  But I've really struggled these last few days!   

And just because...here is a picture of Zoe!

You win Some You Lose Some

 You win some you lose some.  That is how life goes sometimes.  That is definitely the way it goes within a weight loss journey!   This week was a not so much a win on the scale!

I had a great week.  I stayed the course.  I did what I was supposed to do.  I exercised.  I tracked.  I drank my water....all except for ONE day.  I had a great week!  In fact, in my daily weigh ins, my weight was going down!  On Thursday, the day before my official weigh in I was showing down by 2 pounds! I was confident that I was going to knock the weight off the charts for my official weigh in!

But remember when I said I didn't drink enough water on ONE day?  That day happened to be on Thursday....the day before my weigh in.  I didn't realize it until late at night....too late to recoup!   And honestly, downing a ton of water right before you go to bed is NOT wise....not if you want to sleep the whole night through at least!   In fairness, my water consumption was about 55 ounces.  So not too far off from my minimum....but about 25-30 ounces from my normal consumption!  So that was the first strike against me in terms of a great weigh in.   The second issue?  We had bacon and eggs last night for dinner.  Oh my word, that bacon was scrumptious!   But I knew at my very first bite that it was going to haunt me!  This pack of bacon was so extremely salty!  Salt does it to me.  I will retain water like crazy!  I knew it last night!  I knew it this morning when I woke up and my mouth was dry.  I said to myself "this is NOT going to go well on the scales".   And yes, I know that it is not a TRUE weight gain...but it is still yucky to see the scales go up!

I actually thought about NOT weighing myself this morning!  Just avoid the scales all together!  No need to even see the weight!  But I have been doing so good with my religious tracking and I didn't want to mess up my perfect streak.  I have also always had this belief that it is better to face the awful truth.  I always think that if I don't weigh in because I feel/know that my number is going to be bad, then I am in the dark.  I don't know where I am.  The theory that people use to skip weigh ins is that they don't want to face the disappointment and they can 'get the weight off before my next weigh in".  That is a great theory.  But I would rather face the truth on the week that I expect it versus a following week when I am on track and I weigh myself and still see my weight up (because I haven't lost all the 'bad week' pounds).  Ok, I am not explaining this well.....maybe I'm just too tired.  But if I have a bad week and weigh in and see a 5 pound gain....yes I will be disappointed but I expect it and can look at my actions from the previous week to account for the gain. And then the following week I can see how much I actually recouped from my gain...if I lose all 5 pounds...awesome.  If I only lose 2 of the five pounds, I can still look at my week and see how successful I was.  I fear that if I don't weigh in that I will have gained 5 pounds and have no clue that it was five...so the next week when I work my tail end off and lose a fabulous amount of 3 pounds (or whatever) it will STILL show me gaining weight and that  I would be totally demoralized to work hard but show a gain!   Even though the gain actually was because I didn't face the music at the right time!

Ok, I totally messed up that explanation!  SO, let's just get to my weigh in.   On Thursday I was showing two pounds down.   On Friday my official weigh in, I was showing only 0.4 pounds down .   Sure, that's disappointing, but I know what happened!   You win some...you lose some!

So I am drinking up!  (Water of course!)

I am so glad that the weekend is here. It is shaping up to be another crazy busy weekend. I have so much to do that it's ridiculous!  But that's ok.  Hopefully we will be able to get Zoey out again for some trips away.... trying to get her used to being in public without acting the fool1  (Let me tell you, taking a 60 pound puppy somewhere and then trying to contain her when she gets over-excited is a workout!) One of the trips last weekend had me sweating like I had just run a half marathon!   But hey, I was still smiling!  (Don't believe it for a second...she looks innocent in this picture but she had just been giving me a run for my money minutes earlier!)

Not gonna let the Stress win

 I'm not giving up!   No way.  Now how.  Not gonna do it!

I'm feeling overwhelmed by life right now.  I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions.  I know some of it is my own doing.  I mean, I don't have to maintain my youtube channel.  I don't have to even post three videos a week.  I had taken a break and when I came back after my hiatus I had said "well just one a week".  But that just grew.  I enjoy doing it and it is good accountability....but it takes time.   Of course writing here on this blog/website is non-negotiable also.   This is my place to vent, to share, to be accountable.  To focus on where I am in my journey!    But I have so much else pulling me in so many directions and I don't know how to squeeze it all in!   It sometimes just adds to the stress. 

I woke up this morning and immediately my mind registered that it was Wednesday.   And I groaned and said (to myself as Jason was still asleep), "I hate Wednesdays".  Why do I hate Wednesdays?   I hate Wednesdays right now because it is a super long day for me and I usually end the day in tears, heartbroken and just an emotional mess.  Why is it so long?  It is a typical day that starts at 5AM and is pretty much non-stop all day long."  The difference on Wednesdays is that I go visit my mom. When I take that onto my day, it just makes a long day.   Honestly, the long isn't the worst part.   The emotional battle is the worst.  

You see, my mom is in an assisted living home.  She had a stroke back in July of last year.  Her rehabilitation has gone slowly, and she is still incapable of walking on her own....or even alone with the help of a walker.  She needs someone beside her when she stands and attempts to walk.   She has come so far from where she is...but is still nowhere near being capable of living with any semblance of independence.  Watching her with her lost mobility is bad enough but no where near as bad as it is.  You see, after the stroke we were forced to face what I had suspected even before she had her stroke.   We have been confronted that mom's mental capabilities have diminished.  Much more quickly after the stroke of course.  (Or maybe she just became incapable of hiding it after the stroke).  Before the stroke when I spent time with her I noticed her memory was not there.  She was struggling with basic functions.  You don't want to face the truth...so when I mentioned it to family members, we all just agreed that she was getting older and that she didn't have to be sharp as a tack and remember everything.   

After the stroke she was still doing really well.   She was sharp, maybe a bit forgetful but nothing that made us sit back and panic.  It was a few months after the stroke that she started to really show signs of diminishing mental capabilities.  By December I mentioned my birthday was coming up and she had no clue what day my birthday was.  In January she introduced me to one of the aides at the assisted living facility and told them that I was 37 years old.  Now I wish I were...but no, I am 50 years of age!  My brother has apparently been told that he is 34 years old (interestingly enough that makes me the oldest child now I guess).  She has days where she is clear and doing well.  But other days she is just whacky in the head.  It's heartbreaking to see.    We hope to find a valid diagnosis for what is happening...and that there is some solution. (she has some other issues going on that indicates that it may be something neurological).  But until then, I (we ) deal with the heartache of watching her decline. 

Add that to the financial strain we have after having Jason off work for so many months (immediately following the purchase of our house...) and I'm super stressed!

I haven't sunk back into a depressive state again.  But I can feel the tug.  I think my salvation right now is my daily exercise and that fresh air and sunshin (today was too cold though) that I get when I take Zoey out for her walks on my breaks.  As much as it makes my day more hectic, it is probably a good thing for MY mental state!

In the meantime, I am pushing foward and working to not let the stress derail me from the healthy path that I have chosen!   I am conquer this weight....even with the stress!

Time to check in with my weight

 It was a really good week. I feel as if i was able to keep my eating under control.  I made wise choices.  I stayed within the caloric/point range that I set aside!  I did indulge in a sweet treat over the weekend, but the indulgence was the single night. Even better, when the weekend was over, I was only up by 1/2 pound!  That is a huge victory!  Typically, on weekends I am up about 2 pounds and then spend the weekdays trying to play catch up!

Healthy Habits

I am doing fabulous with the three main healthy habits that I am working on! 

I have been doing amazing with the tracking.  I am like a machine!  I have actually been taking my tracking to a new level.  I have my food tracker apps that I use. I have my garmin app.  I have this app and that app.  But I made a spreadsheet and I am putting all of my stats onto one spreadsheet.  It has been amazing to be able to see all the stats in one place....and see how they correlate and work together (or against each other!).   

I have also been doing great with my water intake.  I was a little worried because at the beginning of March I decided to start to do Intermittent fasting and to do it RIGHT.  That meant that my morning flavor packs had to go.  I was nervous, but switched to lemon in my water and it has been going great!  I typically get my 64 ounces completed by the end of my day and then switch to my flavored water (which contains my vitamin pack).   SO, with this said, I've not only managed to make an even switch....but I have also upped my water consumption from 64 ounces to 72 ounces per day!

Exercise has been rough.....simply because my leg is acting up. NOt sure what it is doing.  But I have been having pain behind my knee.  Some days it radiates down to my calf...and other days up my thigh.  I can pretty much trace the pain, so I think it is a nerve or a muscle.  Jason looked at the back of my leg and saw a lump and some swelling.  For that reason, I have lowered my intensity level on my exercise by quite a bit.  I have also tried to limit how many squats and lunges I do.  I'm here to build my body not to tear it down.   So, working through the pain and restrictions have been difficult.  But I have managed it!   I am going strong with my exercise!

Weigh IN

Last week I had a fabulous loss, and I was worried about pulling another fabulous weight loss for the second week in a row.  But I vowed to hold it together over the weekend and do everything right.  Live but manage wisely was my motto!  And I am so happy to say that I lost 2.6 pounds this week!  YAY

I am pushing foward.  I am more determined than ever!

Achy But Not Giving Up

  
A few weeks back I stepped up the intensity in my workouts!  I was feeling it!  I was sore for sure, but I was loving it!    I was doing great!   And then it happened!  My leg started to ache!  My foot started to ache!  I was utterly miserable!  Yet, I continued pushing forward with my exercises.  I was on a roll, and nothing was going to stop me!  Famous last words that I should probably never utter again because every time I say that something happens to throw me off track!   (Here is an example from many years back). 

I wasn't going to let my streak of exercising and being on track with my health goals derail me.  So I continued onward, ignoring the pain.   But the pain kept getting worse.  The pain was mostly at the back of my knee.  But weirdly, the pain would radiate down through my calf and sometimes up through my thigh.  My Tarsal tunnel nerve started to bother me. (Yes, I've had problems with that in the past also).  Literally my left side from my thigh down just hurt!   I had Jason look at my leg and his concern was immediate.  He could see some swelling and a knot in the area where I was saying I was hurting the most.  Lovely!

I agreed that if it didn't clear up within a few days that I would go to the doctor/Urgent care!.   I was really crossing my fingers because I do not like to go to the doctor!   I also stubbornly didn't want to stop exercising.  I am in a routine with exercise.  I don't want to do it, but it is part of my morning routine, and I am doing well.  I knew that if I stopped, I would struggle to pick back up that routine!   I also am part of a step challenge that is taking place in the month of March. If I gave up my exercise, I would most decidedly fail on that step challenge!  Last but not least I am also doing my Project 50!  I didn't want to call it quits so soon!  Not when I am filled with this much determination!   So with some trepidation I continued to work out!  I did NOT push myself.  I have been choosing easier workouts.  I am doing exercise videos that don't push me quite as hard.   BUT, I am still working out!  I may not be as sweaty as before, but I am still up and moving!  I am proud of me!

SO how has the leg been?  I can definitely feel it during the workouts.  But throughout the day it seems to be a lot better.  I was talking to Jason last night and my remark was that "my leg just feels so tired".  It wasn't achy last night....just tired.  Which is honestly a really odd feeling to have one side of your body so tired and the other side ready to run a marathon (ok, maybe not thaat good but you get the idea!)  Jason looked at my leg and said that the swelling/bump has diminished.  It isn't gone totally....but it is looking better!

So, I am set to continue my lighter exercise routine!  Someday I'll get back to the higher intensity...in the meantime, I am just super proud that I am not giving up and that I am continuing with the easier exercise DVD's and Youtube videos.  I am also walking the dog a LOT.  Zoey and I are out there at 5AM and are out there a bunch of times a day.  I try to walk the whole time and if she is in a sniffy mood and just poking along I walk in place beside her!  I even sometimes run a bit with her! (Which she LOVES!)  Here is a 5AM picture of me!  Way too early to be outside I know!

A Change and a Weigh in

 I was thinking this week about some stuff and decided that I had to change a little bit of my plan to lose weight.  I'm not surprised though.  I mean, I have tweaked and changed my direction more times than I can count!  But change I did!  The question is if the change affected  the numbers on the scales!  

Intermittent Fasting

I have dabbled with intermittent fasting for quite some time.  It was a natural thing that happened for me before  even know what intermittent fasting really was.  I guess you can say that I was cool before the cool kids!   I have never been a big fan of breakfast so it just happened naturally.  I was all happy with my intermittent fasting.  I wrote about it plenty of times too! (as evidenced here)  All was going well!  But I never had the fabulous results that other people talk about when they do intermittent fasting.  

This week I was reading blogs and watching youtube videos and the intermittent. fasting concept came up a few different times.  Each time it was mentioned in conjunction with insulin levels.  A while back I had read a book that really resonated with me.  It was The Obesity Code by Jason Fung.  Everything in his book made so much sense to me!  It wasn't until this week that I realized (yeah, slow learner) or maybe was willing to accept that my intermittent fasting was not true fasting because of one little thing.  Sure, I wasn't eating in my fasting window.  HOWEVER, I had not given up my vitamin drink in the morning.  It is the trace minerals drink pack.  It's next to nothing!  I am a huge fan of these vitamin packs! BUt they are causing me to unwittingly break my fast way too early!

So this week I decided to try another intermittent fast.  This time I would be doing a clean fast!  No vitamin pack to break my fast!   Instead, I have swapped out my morning water with straight water with a fresh lemon squeezed into it!  Refreshing and NOT breaking my fast!    I am still doing the vitamin pack, but it is being drank after my fasting window is closed!

Project 50

On March 1 I started my Project 50 and I am doing great.  I am on track and completing every item!    I feel productive and accomplished!   I love the act of marking my tracker with my successes!!!  I know, I'm only a few days into this challenge.  But right now, I am totally determined to see it through to the end and see where it takes me!  

Weigh In

Today was my official weigh in and I was nervous.  Last weekend I indulged, and my weight actually went up!  SO, I spent my week trying to recoup from that gain!  BUT, when I stepped on the scale it showed me at a 2.6 pound loss!  Hip Hip Hurray!!!!  I am utterly tickled!  

I won't lie.  I do have to wonder what it would have been without my indulgent weekend!  It would have been spectacular I bet!  But I am not going to dwell.  I know that those indulgences are what will make this sustainable for a lifetime.  Utter restriction will NOT work long term for me!  That has already been proven! :-)

Weekend Ready

Jason has survived his first full week back at work (well, he has to make it through today but I'm fairly certain he's got it under control)!     I have survived my first week of taking care of our menagerie of animals which includes a puppy!  I feel as if I am on the go constantly.  I get my break from work and boom, it's time to take the dog out!  I rush in and see I have 2 minutes before having to be back at my desk, so I rush to flip a load of laundry or sweep the floor.  It's all go go go!  But I have also been surviving this first week!    That said....bring on the weekend!!!!

A bust and a fresh chance

 I am so excited about the month of March!  I am literally chomping at the bit to get it rolling!   Or maybe I am just anxious to put February behind me.  Whichever the case may be, I'm ready to get moving.

 Project 50

In my last post I wrote about my plan to start my very own Project 50 challenge.   I adapted some of the guidelines to make it doable for me.  I wanted it to fit my goals and my life.  I also wanted it to be a challenge for myself but yet also attainable!    I feel like I struck a really good balance with that.  I am also super excited to start!  I have a spreadsheet already set up and printed out for myself to track my progress.  I am pumped and ready to rock!  Now just to wait until day one!  Luckily, it is the last day of the month while I am writing this and thus, I start tomorrow!  Tomorrow starts this challenge!  I am feeling quite confident and capable!  Who knows, maybe when this is over, I will do a 75 hard!   But that is me feeling powerful before I even begin.  Let's get this Project 50 underway!   Bring it on!

A rough Month on the scales

February was a rough month for me in terms of weight.  I have been up a little on the scale and then down a little. It's been a virtual seesaw in regard to what numbers I see on the scale.  It's incredibly frustrating!    I am at least relieved to see that I did lose weight in February.  I am down 1 pound.   Yeah, I know...yay you dropped weight and anything other than a gain is a good thing.  But seriously?  One. Stinking. Pound?   Are you kidding me?  That is frustrating!  It is heartbreaking.  It angers me!

So, I have to be brutally honest with myself.  I have sunk back into the routine of eating spot on my plan throughout the work week.  But the weekends it's a free for all.  Ok, maybe not a free for all, but I do indulge a bit more than I should.  Last weekend I said I was going to have my sweet treat on Friday night and then leave the rest for Jason.  I was so bound and determined!   I had this in the bag!   One sweet treat and then done!

Yeah, that didn't work out in my favor.  I totally caved and cracked under the pressure.  I ate cake each night.  Yes, really!   

So t is with sadness and anger at myself that I announce that this 1-pound loss is 100% my fault!  I can't blame it on my intense exercise or water or any extraneous reason.  It was all me!

Change in Routine

Jason went back to work on Friday.  He was off 4 months literally to the day.  How crazy is that?   Zoey did not handle her daddy being gone all that time well.  She was heartbroken in the morning when he left and nothing, I did could drive her from her panic and upset that he left her.  (We spent a lot of time sitting in the driveway where his car is normally parked as she waited.)  She actually did pretty well during my work hours....kinda got herself under control and settled down.  However, by the evening she started pacing and worrying and trying to get back to the driveway.... she knew her daddy had been gone long enough.  And when he walked in the door, oh my word it was bedlam!  SHe went nuts!   

Yesterday was slightly better.  But she still went ape crazy when he got home!  For the next hour she had a bad case of the zoomies and literally was galloping in circles around the house.  I at one time tried to stand in her way to slow her down.  She just bypassed and went under the dining room table at full speed!   She can fit NOW at 5 months of age, but in a few months, she probably won't fit!  :-)

We are trying different techniques and diversions to help her get through this adjustment.  

Zoey isn't the only one that has to adjust.  Jason and I are both adjusting to this new routine.   People kept saying "oh you will be happy to have him go back to work and get him out of your hair".   Boy were they wrong.  I didn't want him to go back!  I miss him like crazy!    SO that is one adjustment.  The other BIG one for me is exercise.  I used to have time to exercise because he took care of the morning routine for the house while I disappeared into our exercise room.   That isn't possible anymore.  So I am trying to squeeze in 35-45 minutes of exercise before he leaves.  I'm trying to walk as much as possible with the dog.  No standing outside and watching her.  Zoey and I are walking and moving.  I'm making it work for me...but it is a stretch to squeeze it in!  

Life continues

Life is continuing onward.  It's crazy. It's busy.  It's mine.  I just need to adjust and adapt to everything and keep my health first and foremost in my mind!   I want this weight gone which means I need to make the sacrifices (I'm talking to you Mr. Cake)!

75 Hard or Project 50?

I have been seriously toying with challenging myself.  Seriously challenging myself with something like the 75 Hard or the Project 50.  

  It has been quite some time since I first heard about the 75 hard.  I read about it on a blog that I have followed for years.  I remember reading about it and thinking, "What an amazing Challenge, I should do it".  But then reality sets in and I look at the 'rules' and realize that doing the 75 hard would be HARD.  I am somewhat ok with most of the items but the two blocks of exercise one required to be outside has honestly been the deal breaker in the past.  I could probably have been on board without that one rule.  Let me share the rules of the 75 Hard.  You must do the following 5 things for 75 days straight. If you fail, you have to start over at day one.

    1.  Follow a diet plan

    2. Exercise 2 times a day for 45 minutes each time.  One of those times MUST be outside.

    3.  Drink 4 liters of water

    4.  Read 10 pages of a book daily.

    5.  Take a Progress pictures each day

 I see some merit to the 75 Hard.  It would be hard.  For me the hardest part would be the two blocks of 45 minutes of exercise with one being outside.  It would be difficult.  Quite difficult.  Which of course is part of the name.  But that said, I want a challenge, but I don't want something that I will fail at within the first week.   I seriously struggle with getting in my 45 -60 minutes of exercise already due to time constraints!  For that reason alone, I have always passed on the 75 hard.  It came back under my radar again a few days back and I gave it another look as once again I was tempted.   I have decided once again to not attempt the 75 hard.   My reasons this time are once again centered around the exercise.  Yes, it would be difficult and part of me thinks it would be too difficult for me at this point in my life...but it would be hard and would be amazing to complete.  HOWEVER, my reason for NOT doing it is something different this time.   My reason is that I am not sure that 75 days straight of 1.5 hours of exercise would be wise for my body in its current state.  My body is sore.  My body is aching.  My rest days are a breath of fresh air and give my aching knees and joints the rest that I need so that I can hit it hard when the rest day is over.  For this reason the 75 Hard will still be an elusive thought for me.  Maybe someday!

In the last year I have been hearing a lot about people that are doing the Project 50.   This is something akin to the 75 hard.  But not quite as hard!    Let me share the rules of the Project 50.  These rules are followed for 50 days. 

    1.  Wake up by 8AM every day

    2.  Complete a 1 hour routine each morning with no distractions

    3.  Exercise 1 hour each day

    4.  Read 10 pages daily

    5.  Spent 1 hour each day to learn a new skill

    6.  Follow a Healthy Diet plan

    7.  Track your progress Daily in a journal

Ok, this is a bit more doable!   But I have still had misgivings.  Once again, the EVERY day exercise gives me a wee little pause.  But secondly, it's the hour each day to learn that new skill.  I think the new skill is important!  In fact I am teaching myself to knit! (Hopefully within a year or so I'll be teaching myself to Spin wool.....dog fur chiengora to be exact!).   But I have so many other things.  I wrote recently about my dreams and thoughts and my desire to finish some of these books that I have half finished.  That takes time.  If I devote 7 hours to knitting, when will I work on those books.  It was a quandary for sure!

So.  I am going to do my own version of the Project 50.

   1.  Wake up by 8AM every morning. I'm just leaving this there because why not.  But I am usually up by 5AM and consider myself LUCKY if I make it to 6AM.  

   2.  Complete the morning routine with no distractions.  Jason and I are creatures of habit.  Our morning routine is pretty set in stone and pretty unshakable!  So this one will be no issue and I am just leaving it there so that I kinda resemble the original Project 50!

  3.  Exercise total of 1 hour 5 days a week.   This is a modification.  The original Project 50 is for 1 hour every day.     In my modification, I am pushing for 1 hour TOTAL of exercise on 5 days.  If I do a 45-minute exercise video in the morning, well then, I better get my butt moving for another 15 minutes during the day.  That alone will be a challenge.  Some days that 45 minutes alone is difficult.  So, stretching that to an hour will be a challenge!  

  4.  Read 10 pages daily.   This one also poses no problems with me as I almost always have a book in progress and it is actually a rare day that I do NOT read.  

5.  Follow a Healthy Diet.  This one should be easy.   I already follow a decently healthy diet so this is continuation of that AND encouragement to stay the course and not slip up!

6.  Track my progress daily.   I track some of this stuff already, so it should be no stretch to track all of this.

7.  A New skill.   The original plan was to work on a new skill for 1 hour each day.   And as I said earlier, this is the one that has held me back from attempting the Project 50.   7 hours is a long time.  I havve no problem with learning a new skill and spending time, but I know me and I know that dedicating an hour a day would result in failure.   So I am adjusting this a bit.   I am aiming for 2 hours a week to dedicate to this new skill of knitting.  That is a much more doable number.  

Bonus activities that I have added for myself. 

1.  20 minutes of activity on my off days from exercise.  That could be a walk or hike.  It could be a long romp in the yard with the dog.  Or a spin on the exercise bike.  Something active!

2.  Since I have cut down the hours to work on the new skill, I am adding in a word count for writing. My goal for myself is 5000 words a week.  

3.  No days less than 5000 steps.  I struggle some days to get my steps in!   So this will be a challenge on some days!  (those lazy weekend days!!!!)

So there you have it.  My own personal revamped project 50!   I think it will be a stretch!    Some days and weeks  are going to be hard!   But I didn't want to coast through because then it wouldn't be a challenge!!!!

I plan to start this on March 1!   This will run through to April 19th!    At that time, maybe I will reevaluate the 75 hard!  (maybe I'll make it my own personal 75 hard   or rather 75 hard-ish!) 

Feel free to join me on this project!   

This just Sucks!

 This really sucks!   It sucks bad and I don't like it!  Yet I have no control over it!

What sucks?   Watching your parents get old and start to suffer major issues with their health.   It was only 5 years ago that I lost my father.  It was difficult to watch him go downhill and pass away.  I thought it was the hardest thing I would ever have to face.   I was wrong.   Losing my dad was horrible.  But my father was cognizant and clear minded the whole way to the end.   

In July my mom had a stroke.  It left her quite immobilized and not in good shape.  It also brought to the forefront the true issue and that is that my mom had been failing for a while.  We saw signs and we were worried but they were always easily explained away.  The stroke laid bare this fact.   Mom is struggling cognitively as well as physically and it is utterly heartbreaking!   

It is also very stressful.   Last week there were some days and visits that were absolutely horrible for me.  I'm talking cry the whole 40-minute drive home horrible.  I came home one day and I had pulled myself together...somewhat.   I also ate.   I never binged.  But I just ate more food and the wrong types of food.  I didn't make good healthy choices.  

What in the world is wrong with me?  I'm watching my mother fail and I know that my weight is going to put me in a similar or worse situation.  I know that losing this weight is so important.  But same days the stress and the worry and the heartache overwhelms me, and I forget my own personal goals.

So, with a heavy heart, I will announce that I gained a pound last week.  I"m super frustrated about that.  

I'm not giving up.  This journey is so hard but so important!  I am worth it!   So here we go again with another week of trying my best!

In the midst of the stressful week, I took a 'mental health day' from work.  Jason is still off work so we took the dog into the mountains and explored!  It was good to be outside and clear my mind!!!  Zoey loved it too!!!

Weekly Weigh In

​It’s weigh in time….again.  And once again I was feeling not so confident about what the scales were going to say. I honestly didn’t have a clue what the scales were going to say.  No clue at all.  It was a complete mystery to me what was going to happen!

Scale Mystery

I have for a long time been someone that weighs myself  each and every day.   Without fail.  I weigh in each and every day.   It works for me.  It keeps me on target and on point.   I recognize that there will be natural fluctuations based on foods that I eat.  For example, I know that a meal that is high in sodium will affect me the next day.  I know that, and I know that it’s a natural part of life so I’m ok with those fluctuations.  I can see my daily weight and pinpoint the reason.  If it’s a natural fluctuation then that’s fine. But if it’s not a natural one then I can dig deeper to see what the issue is.   What did I do?  What did I not do?  What needs to be tweaked and adjusted!    It works for me.  It might not work for others but it has worked for me for quite a while. 

So then why do I have a scale mystery?  I have stopped weighing in daily.  Why did I stop weighing daily?  I stopped for the simplest of reasons…it wasn’t as easy.  My scales are in the master bathroom….and I’ve been using the hall bathroom.   The hall bathroom is small and there isn’t a whole lot of room (none) for a scale.  So it really is just ‘lack of convenience’.  I either have to undress, weigh, redress, switch bathrooms, undress and then shower.  Or I have to undress, weigh, walk across the house naked, shower.   Ok, neither one is a major issue.  One is simply more steps and the other one just means I have to be self conscious for a few minutes. But it doesn’t get done a lot of days.   And honestly, I don’t like it!

I don’t like not knowing.  I don’t like being in the dark.  I don’t like the mystery.  So I am making the commitment to start weighing again daily!   I have a feeling it will help me be a bit more on target with my eating and staying in my food budget during the weekend (weekends are my Achilles heel!)

Even without that, knowing where I am and how I’m doing will take away a wee little bit of my stress…and heaven knows I need a reduction of stress in my life!!!

Weigh In

Even with my feet I stepped onto the scales.   I was pleasantly surprised!    Very surprised!  I actually lost 3 pounds! Three!!!   AMEN!!!

That means that for the year 2023 I am just shy of having lost 10 pounds!   Go me!   

Zoey Update

Our baby girl is doing well.  You can tell she is settling in and starting to realize that this is her forever home.  We are working diligently to knock bad behaviors out of her. Things like; walking on a leash without pulling so hard that it near takes.  our arms from the sockets;  not jumping up (not good even now as a puppy that ‘only’ weighs 40 some pounds but a danger when she is full sized at and estimated 130 pounds),  and other basic safety commands.   Oh and we have thrown in a few tricks also.  She loves to shake hands….well she loves the treats she gets for it!     We have been taking her out walking at parks so she can get used to the people and dogs in life…and learn that she doesn’t run to everyone!   Some days are a pain, but we can see her progressing!

And yes….when we first got her we were firmly declaring ‘no dog on the couch’.  It only took three weeks to let her up.  (Let’s be honest…she was going to be there when we leave her alone in the house uncrated anyway!)