Food Noise

 

I joined WW a week ago and I have tried to get to some of the virtual meetings.  I am trying out some of the different leaders to see which ones I like (and it’s easier to judge a leader if they are presenting the same information).  Therefore, I have attended a few workshops this week.  The  topic for that first week was food noise.  Good subject for sure.  I have tons of food noise.  I plan my day around food.  I haven’t even put down my fork after a meal that totally fills me up and I am already thinking about when and what I will eat next time.  Even sitting here typing this, I have already thought about breakfast, lunch AND dinner for today (I started typing this at 7AM).   So, this topic was very near and dear to my heart. 

After attending a few ‘Weekly Workshops’ throughout the week, I decided to attend a “Deep Dive’ session.  I actually really liked this coach’s style and energy (Coach Marianne B) and the interaction was great.  She talked about three factors that affect the food noise.  Environment, stress and appetite.  She talked about how when you are hungry the food noise is incredibly intense.  And right then and there I had an epiphany about my food noise and my weight issues. 

 

I have always wondered what happened.  How did I come to live the life of an obese woman.  I was always more of a petite person as I was younger, not overweight, just healthy.  By younger I mean 10, 11, 12 or so.  I actually remember referring to one girl at school as fat in my description of her at home.  I actually came across a picture of her in my storage recently and I had it labelled as ‘Fat Joy’.  How shameful is that?   I am actually utterly embarrassed to admit this, but it is the truth.     I was one of the normal sized or even smaller people among my friends. 

And then something happened.   I started to gain……quickly.   Within a year or so I was overweight and then shortly afterward, obese.  All when I was right around 12-14 years old.

I have long wondered and pondered what in the world happened.

-        We moved from Pennsylvania to Florida right about that time.  Was it a culture shock?

-        That was the age that I was hitting puberty.  Was it hormonal?

-        I went from a carefree kid playing outside to a teenager more apt to be in my room lounging.  Was it just a result of change of lifestyle?

It’s been a big question in my mind for quite a few years.  It wasn’t until this week that I had an epiphany.

It was during that deep dive session about food noise that I knew.  I knew exactly what had caused my spiral or at least contribute (because I think those other factors played a role for sure).  It was a true light bulb moment……before we moved to Florida (before I had weight problems) I had plenty of friends and the cafeteria at school  was not crowded, one could actually find a place to sit and I had a group of friends to sit with. I ate lunch every day.   But then we moved.  I didn’t have friends…and I never made a lot while we were in Florida.

Lunchtime was utterly horrible at my new school.  First, try walking into a large room teeming with people you don’t know.  Then you get your tray and have to navigate through this throng of people between tables that are placed too closely together to try to fit as many people in as possibly.  Why are they so close?  We had moved to one of the fastest growing counties in the COUNTRY and the schools were way overcrowded, that included the cafeteria, where I had to find a place to sit.  Amongst strangers….other kids that didn’t want a newbie sitting with them, they were saving those precious and few places for their friends.  It was the most uncomfortable situation. I remember getting my tray, looking for a welcoming place to sit. Not finding any availability I remember dumping my tray full of food and walking out.   It was so uncomfortable that as an 8^th grader I choose to forego lunch.  It was less stressful to sit in the quad outside. If there wasn’t a bench available, it was acceptable and not awkward to sit on the ground up against one of the buildings, lots of people did it.  Even if I was alone, I could do homework or something in order to not look so pitiful.    I didn’t eat lunch.  

Don’t feel too bad, I wasn’t utterly friendless, but I never really had a lot.  I was friendly with everyone, but I just never clicked with anyone.   I was just too different, too foreign, too something.  And that’s ok. 

That trend continued into high school the following year.  The cafeteria was insane.  It was not a welcoming place.  It was worse though because high school gave us the option to go through the line and buy a snack.  This was important because a snack I could take outside to the quad where it wasn’t crowded and where I could melt into obscurity.  (Usually with one or two other people that were also just trying to survive.)  The snack of choice…. Little Debby Snack cakes, my new friend.  I didn’t do that every day because the cafeteria was still way overcrowded to even just walk through and honestly, I had figured out that the lunch money was more aptly used on my own pursuits (books and music).  

It is no surprise that I got home from school each day and hit the kitchen absolutely ravenous!  I started to make larger snacks.  A full box of Kraft mac-n-cheese.  A box of taco shells with melted cheese was actually quite delicious and/or apeanut butter and jelly sandwich always hit the spot.  Whatever I could scrounge from the pantry was fair game.  An hour or two later, dinner would be served and guess who ate a full meal then too?   Why yes, me!

That is exactly where my issues started.  I learned unhealthy habits.  The food noise in my head was intense by the time I got home and the food noise never faded.  Once I let it in, it took up residence and stayed firm in my head and that voice has remained there for all of these years.

I have no desire to take medications, even though they say the medications will silence the food noise.  I don’t want to be on a medication for the rest of my life and I know that when I stop taking the meds the food noise comes back (just look at what people say when then end up stopping the meds…. they regain).  I am still 100% committed to the holistic approach of learning to manage these food noise and my desires.   I ‘just’ need to learn how to silence that food noise voice.  Just for a laugh, I do refer to these voices as my mini me….and my mini me screams at me not just about food.  My mini me tells me that exercise is bad.  My mini me tells me that I am not worth it.  When I was running regularly, my mini me would tell me that I wasn’t a runner and I looked like an idiot. This little mini me is so insistent that once when I was running the mini me was telling me that I was a fool for thinking that I was a runner, that I looked ridiculous and so many other things that I was started crying, but didn’t stop running weirdly enough.  Finally, I had enough and I just yelled out loud “SHUT UP”.  (I am trying to find a post, because surely, I wrote about that!)

But yeah…food noise. 

Wow….I honestly cried like a baby as I wrote this.  This started as a simple epiphany, but turned into a soul releasing cry as I recounted these experiences and relived those emotions of stress.

As a side note: I look back and pity my poor mom because I annihilated the pantry on a daily basis, which had to have affected her meal plans.  I may have and probably did ask first for some of those larger ticket items like taco shells, I assume.   She never said a word though.  I know that she had suffered with excess weight all her life and I know that she had said that her mom had made comments which hurt her self-confidence and she never wanted me to feel fat or inferior.   Her silence raised a gal that didn’t care about her weight …. but it also didn’t stop a growing problem.   (It wasn’t until I accidentally started to lose weight when I got roped into a weight loss challenge  that I began to see and care that I was overweight, until then, I just liked me for me).

So that is the deep thoughts for this week.

I like my official weigh in days to be Friday, so my first ‘week’ on weight watchers was actually only 5 days (from Sunday to Friday morning).   I am happy to say that I lost 3.7 pounds. 

Not to keep that up!!!!!   Lets see what we can do on week two.  I know that I will have a bit of a cheat meal once, but otherwise, I’m ready to knock week two out of the park.

20 Year Blogiversary

 This post is utterly embarrassing to write.   Seriously, it's a hard one for me.   Because you see, it is my 20 year anniversary of writing my thoughts and feelings as they pertain to my weight loss efforts with a little life thrown in there.  

20 years is a long time.   I have been writing on here longer than my youngest nephew has been alive.  (Nope, I didn't commemorate his arrival in any post.....I just checked.).  I have been writing on here longer than I have known Jason, a lot longer than I have known Jason.   (I wrote about meeting a 'friend' in November of 2025 here,  that friend as Jason.).  I have written on here through a divorce.  (I finally came clean about the failure of my marriage here.).  And of course I wrote about my marriage to Jason. (We had so much fun keeping it a secret and then surprising everyone.).  Vacations, I've written about them.  Sickness, yup wrote about that too.  Loss of parents, sadly we have covered that one also.  A lot of happened in 20 years and I've been writing about it.   Seriously, I have written a long time!  20 years.  

So why am I embarrassed?   20 years of writing should be something to be proud of.  But it's not because it's not all victorious.  I feel like a failure.   Because of where I am now.

I started out writing when I was was morbidly obese.

 In those early years I lost a lot of weight.  I was so victorious and I felt so amazing!

 And then I struggled.  For years upon years I have struggled with my weight. Lose a little, gain a little and then sometimes gain a little more.   And here I am , finding myself morbidly obese AGAIN. 

 Utterly embarrassing!!!!

 My last bit of embarrassment is the fact that I was planning this post for January 6th, the date of my blogiversary.   I even wrote about the date in my last post.   So imagine my surprise and shame when I decided to verify the date and realized that my blogiversary was actually January 5th.  This forgetfulness and floating anniversary has been an ongoing issue as evidenced by my anniversary post from last year which talked about all my anniversary posts over the years and highlighted the various days I celebrated.   But hey, I figured it out in time to actually post on the correct day this year.  That's a plus!

 I am still here thought.  I've not given up.  I am determined to make year 21 on this blog another one of victory.  I have done it before, I can do it again!

 

So some fun stats:

Number of Posts:  2713 

Comments: 12231 Comments 

Views:  4.5 Million (not bad for my little online journal to chronicle my weight loss efforts) 

Year  with the most posts:  2008 (334 posts)

Year with the least posts:  2022 (41 posts)  

 

Tomorrow never Comes

 How many times have I said "I will start tomorrow"  or I will start on Monday, the first of the month, after  vacation or any point somewhere in the future.  Let me just tell you, umpteen times.  I'm not even sure I can count that high!   It's seriously been a lot.  And let me tell you, tomorrow rarely comes.

 I have been struggling.  I have been struggling big time with my weight.  In my delusional mind I have thought that it was hidden.  But seriously, a girl can't hide the fact that she has gained 100 pounds.  Yes, I did say 100.   In fairness, I rounded up.  It's not quite a hundred.   And also in full transparency, I haven't gained a hundred pounds this year....or even in the past five or ten years.  But I am 'almost' 100 pounds up from where I was when I became a weight watchers lifetime member.   That 100 pounds came from years of vowing that 'tomorrow' I start, right after our anniversary or after such and such trip.

 Shortly after I met my lifetime goal at weight watchers I went on vacation and I gained some weight.  I struggled for a while trying to fight that weight back off but eventually settled into a weight that was about 20-30 pounds over lifetime.  I hated it!  But I maintained that weight for years.  I was active during that period.  VERY active.  I was running 12-20 miles a week, going to zumba at least 3 times a week and when I met Jason I added miles of hiking and biking onto my activity each week.  I switched jobs and I found it difficult to find time to run as the commute ate up that time.  But we were still active so all was well....and I maintained that weight.  Then Covid hit and I gained my covid-19.....yes I gained about 19 pounds in the first few months. Life was more sedentary I guess.  The final nail on the coffin was when we bought our house and somehow our life adjusted and we not longer went for long bike rides and long hikes.  I gained another 20 pounds.   This last year has been difficult with a myriad of changes.   Chalk up another 20 pounds of weight gain.  And there you go......almost 100 pounds gained.  (In about 15 years).  

The gain is not because I gave up.  I NEVER gave up.  Seriously, I have posted on here tons over those 15 years!   I even had a youtube channel where I posted about my weight loss journey (which I have not deleted but I have mostly abandoned.......due to time constraints and yes my failure to actually lose weight).   I have wanted to lose weight each and every day.   Yet I continued to gain.

It has to stop.   I am struggling with movement and mobility...which scares the living snot out of me!  When I was this weight the first time I was in my 20's and 30's and I was still active.  This time I am much older and it's not pretty.   I'm freaked out.  Yet I think about making changes and vow that tomorrow I will start.   But tomorrow never comes.

It's dire.   I always wondered how someone could let themselves go so far that they have to ride in a motorized scooter.  How could they slip so far that they get to the point of full immobility?   And I am happy to say that I am not there.....YET.   But I can see changes that indicate that I am spiraling toward that eventuality.  I struggle to get down on one knee and back up.  Getting up from a low chair is painful.  Those two things may seem minor and even excusable by saying "well I do have arthritis in my knees".....but they herald a future that I don't want.  How did I get here....by saying "tomorrow I will get back on track".

Tomorrow is here.  It's do or die. Which may sound dramatic, but is it really dramatic or is it the truth?  I'm not making vows of what I am going to do.  I'm not making elaborate plans of exercising such and such times a week or eating a calorie deficit of this amount or that amount.  Right now I am just going to focus on making healthier choices.......saying no to the cookie at work, the trip to Dairy Queen on the weekend, the extra serving at dinner.  Elaborate plans are only so good if you have the willpower to back them up....and right now my will power has been lacking.......and that I guess is what I will be working on, bolstering my will power! 

This just Sucks!

 This really sucks!   It sucks bad and I don't like it!  Yet I have no control over it!

What sucks?   Watching your parents get old and start to suffer major issues with their health.   It was only 5 years ago that I lost my father.  It was difficult to watch him go downhill and pass away.  I thought it was the hardest thing I would ever have to face.   I was wrong.   Losing my dad was horrible.  But my father was cognizant and clear minded the whole way to the end.   

In July my mom had a stroke.  It left her quite immobilized and not in good shape.  It also brought to the forefront the true issue and that is that my mom had been failing for a while.  We saw signs and we were worried but they were always easily explained away.  The stroke laid bare this fact.   Mom is struggling cognitively as well as physically and it is utterly heartbreaking!   

It is also very stressful.   Last week there were some days and visits that were absolutely horrible for me.  I'm talking cry the whole 40-minute drive home horrible.  I came home one day and I had pulled myself together...somewhat.   I also ate.   I never binged.  But I just ate more food and the wrong types of food.  I didn't make good healthy choices.  

What in the world is wrong with me?  I'm watching my mother fail and I know that my weight is going to put me in a similar or worse situation.  I know that losing this weight is so important.  But same days the stress and the worry and the heartache overwhelms me, and I forget my own personal goals.

So, with a heavy heart, I will announce that I gained a pound last week.  I"m super frustrated about that.  

I'm not giving up.  This journey is so hard but so important!  I am worth it!   So here we go again with another week of trying my best!

In the midst of the stressful week, I took a 'mental health day' from work.  Jason is still off work so we took the dog into the mountains and explored!  It was good to be outside and clear my mind!!!  Zoey loved it too!!!

See-Saw of Weight Loss

​The seesaw of a weight loss loss journey is absolutely crazy!   One one hand,  this last week of losing weight was an absolute victory!   But on the other hand, Losing weight was an absolute failure…but then on second thought, maybe it wasn’t so much of a failure.  Win or lose, who knows?

Victory in Weight loss

I just completed week two of my restart and recommitment to weight loss. Week two is sometimes the most difficult one for me.  The first week I am gung ho and full of hope, but by week two the long term aspect of this journey has hit and I falter. I am so proud to say that I rolled through week two with flying colors!   I kept my calories totally in check!   Once again, During the week I kept my calories under 1300 calories and during the weekend I kept it under 1500.  This is working for me.  I feel as if I am ‘splurging’ on those weekends with those extra calories, but those extra calories allow me to go out to eat and/or indulge in a small dessert. But that splurge is not breaking the bank or rather breaking the scale! 

I have  been keeping this ‘poorly made’ (on Jasons part) bet/challenge  in my mind.   I have been saying (mostly in my head) ‘Geronimo’ when I am thinking about food and indulging in something that is not within my food budget.   Yes, I am that competitive, even though there is like a 100% chance that I won’t really make Jason jump if/when the time comes.  But I will definitely hold it over his head, probably forever!   I’ll be 99 years old and saying ‘maybe I’ll make you jump this year….because you know; I won!  It’s that thrill that I am fighting for… not so much to actually make him jump.  Although you know….maybe he will willingly face his fear and jump!  :-)

So I mentioned poorly made bet?  Yes, Jason realized that his bet was poorly made…..the next morning when his buzz had worn off!  (I have no shame….I very willingly made a bet when I knew he had a few beers in him!  I on the other hand was completely sober!). He has tried to backtrack and add in a time limit for me to complete my weight loss.  He has also tried to add in something equally ferocious for me to face should I not lose this weight.  But I just keep reminding him that we shook hands on the deal and you can’t go back and unshake our hands or change  the rules after the fact.  And I’m pretty sure that it’s obvious that I’m not interested in adding amendments to our agreement….why would I?  :-)   So yeah, when we were out getting lunch the other day and I was looking at calories and different options, he was looking at me and I just gleefully said ‘geronimo!’    I’m having fun with it!

Trying to get back to being active

We have been so lazy lately.  We are taking lots of lazy weekends.  Very little exercise.  It’s no wonder, the weather has  been cold and icky!  Each weekend we say ‘next weekend we are getting outside’!  But…you know how those vows usually work out, they don’t!    But this weekend the weather here in Maryland was fabulous.  We were running errands and on Saturday we walked through a park.  We didn’t have a whole lot of time…so it was short but we got out!   This ugly duck has always been one of my favorites…but his eyes…Poor old guy can’t see well!

On Sunday we started lazy…but we knew what the weather was supposed to be so we got ourselves outside.  We went to the canal and walked for a few hours.  It felt good to be outside.  My legs felt so tired after walking for a few hours.  But, it was awesome to see some green start to pop up here and there!

I have continued to ride the exercise bike every work day! I’m not too far ahead of schedule with miles for my 2022 mile challenge but I’m definitely not behind…right on schedule!   We also continue to walk every evening for about 25-30 minutes. 

Work and House Hunting Stress

I’m gearing up for another work week of fun.  We (I) have tried to change and tried to talk to managers…to no avail. I do get my breaks…just usually quite delayed.  (One day I got my break literally at 4:15 and I get off at 4:30.   And I only got it because I put my foot down and said ‘I’ve been asking to take my break since 2:30 and I leave in 15 minutes.”   They knew they had no choice other than to give me the break.     I am hanging on.  We are in house buying mode.  Changing jobs at this point would really mess up the pre approval and all of that stuff!  But when we have signed a loan and settled in, I will have nothing tying me to this job!

We are continually looking at houses.  Went through one this past weekend and hope to see a few new ones that are coming onto the market this next weekend.  We also still have a for sale by owner house that we are interested in.  We have toured that and expressed our interest.  The owners are having some work done, but were unable/unwilling  to give us a price of what they are asking and wanting to get for the house.   So we are in limbo with that.  If we knew that the price was in the range that we want to pay we would settle back and wait patiently. But…who knows! I know what it will most likely go for.  But that doesn’t mean they won’t ask some outrageous price.

Weight Loss Journey Weigh In

I had my official weigh in this past weekend and here is the other side of the weight loss seesaw.  I was so proud of myself to have a fabulous week with tracking and staying on plan.  But when I stepped on the scale for my official weigh in, I was up.  Like literally everything I lost  during my first week of being back on track had come back!  I kept telling myself ‘it’s water retention due to your out of what  cycle’. But even saying that is doesn’t take away the frustration and hopelessness that one feels when you see that  a week of great efforts meant nothing on the scales and in fact garnered a gain!  

I didn’t allow myself to stop though.  I kept telling myself, ‘stay the course and your efforts WILL pay off’.  I kept my calories at my weekend goal level all weekend, I didn’t let up!

This morning I woke up and like normal I stepped on the scale.  Not for my official weigh in, but just for a wee little check on progress (I weight daily…but only count one specific day as my official weigh in…this works for me.). I was soooo happy to see that my weight went back down to what it was before this last seesaw week.   Can I hope that I can get back to losing???   

The seesaw was crazy during this week of weight loss efforts.  Pride in my weight loss efforts fought with the frustration at the numbers on the scale.  The question is, what won that battle?  What won  was the drive to succeed and to make week three a great weight loss week!  The drive to see the results of week three!   So watch out, I’m planning on hopping off the seesaw.  I’m planning on having a spectacular week of efforts coupled with an amazing weight loss!!

​

Having fun…..Or Not

​Are we having fun yet?  I’m not so sure I am!   Work is not fun.  My stress levels are not so much fun.  Oh and let’s not forget that my weight loss journey is not fun at all!   I’m not having fun in life right now am I?

Work fun (sarcastic fun)

Work has been absolutely insane lately.   We are crazy busy.   There is not enough time in the day to complete what they ask of us.  So we are left with two options.  1.  Come in early/stay late/work through our breaks…off the clock.  Or 2.  Have this manager or another manager constantly asking about why such and such isn’t done.   We (my coworkers) are constantly being belittled and micromanaged by the people in positions above us. We are singly called out for things that either everyone is doing or is something that they are just announcing to the whole team that you didn’t do….even though it isn’t due until that work day, it’s only 8:30 and you just arrived at 8am.  We have to literally ask to go to the bathroom…take a break….or go to lunch.  I have had a break scheduled at 9:30 AM that I wasn’t allowed to take until 11:15.   Not much that we do is good enough.  It’s terrible and causes quite a bit of stress. I wake up with nightmares about this job.  (And it’s not just me…two coworkers have started taking anxiety meds. Another told me about how she can’t sleep at night worrying about this job.   A different one just called out sick and told me how she just laid in bed depressed and upset about this job.).  

House Hunting Fun

We are house hunting.  We are pre approved and ready to go.  But have you taken a look at the housing market recently?  It’s nuts!  Our lease is up in July and I’m already panicked about the switch over…I’m stressed about finding something in time so we have a place to live…but not too early because we can’t afford paying a mortgage and rent both!  Can we find something that makes both of us happy?   I’m just worried.  

Weight loss Fun

Weight loss just sucks some time!  Last week I watched my calories so closely and I did amazing.  My calories were right where I planned.  

I actually aim for the 1280 mark and my average for the week was spot on!  I actually lost a fair amount of weight at my official weigh in.   3.6 pounds to be exact.

And then this week started….  No my calories have been 100% in check since my weight in day (which was Saturday).   A bit higher on weekend but still in my lose zone!

Yet my weight this week popped back up to my starting weight.   Yes, you read that right.  That 3.6 pound weight loss that I showed last Saturday…the pounds that I saw slowly disappearing all through last week came back.  

Yes, I weight in daily.  I know that there are normal fluctuations and I only count my weekly weigh in as the official one.  But the daily weigh in keeps me on track and on target.  It’s disheartening to see the weight pop up and then look at the calories and know that I am being 100% on track!   (And I’m drinking my water too!)

I’m not giving up.  It’s only Wednesday.  My body has until Saturday to ‘get with the program’.  I will keep eating right.  The scales will catch up with my efforts…eventually.   Is it stress affecting my weight.  Could be.  Is it hormones affecting my weight?  (Yes, my cycle is all whacked out …I’m at that age you know.). Could be.  Could my body just be doing it’s own dang thing?  Could be.   But the bottom line is that I am doing what is right and good for my body…..and I will continue!

No giving up!!

I’m Alive

​I’m alive!  Really, I didn’t die…or spend any time  in the hospital…or cut off my fingers disallowing me to type.  I have just been plain…well I don’t want to say lazy, but I just haven’t been posting.  Don’t get my wrong, I think about it…..in the depths of the night when all is quiet and I can’t sleep.  But when I wake up I’m going going going and it just doesn’t happen.  I promise to be better!   So let’s catch up a bit…and then I’ll talk about my weight loss efforts this month. 

December Museums and Fun

December was a busy month.   I had the normal work obligations but I did have some time off and we stayed busy on the weekends!

On the first weekend of the month we went to a Rural Heritage Museum and while I thought I would only be there for an hour, we spent 4 hours there.  

The next weekend was my birthday.   We had a few days off.  I did some errands on one day (yup…my name is officially changed in the most important places now).  And we went to Lancaster County, PA for a wee little getaway.   We hit some of the normal places but also did the Landis Valley Museum for a few hours.

The next weekend we celebrated Christmas with Jason’s parents on one day and on the other weekend day we roamed a bit locally and just enjoyed the sites.

The next weekend was Christmas (this last weekend).  and I had another four day weekend.  It was just as busy.  I spent a day with my mom.   Jason and I spend Christmas Eve together.  We roamed during the day and did our private celebration and gift exchange that evening.  Of course the pets got gifts too!

Christmas Day we went to my mom’s house.  We got there early to help prepare Christmas dinner/lunch.   And we got home that evening exhausted.    Sunday was spent relaxing and trying to not think about going back to work!   We went to the canal and walked for a few hours. The weather was delightful!!!

So we have stayed busy.    My ‘down time’ has been spent working on a new quilt.   Yes…I started a new quilt.  I started it on Black Friday.     It will be a version of a ‘grandmothers flower garden’.  I have the ‘flowers’ all made.  100 of them…and each one is hand sewn and takes about an hour.  (So now you know where my time has gone).    On Christmas Eve I laid all 100 on the floor and  arranged them in the order that they will be sewn together. (I didn’t want all my pink flowers in one corner…or all my orange fabrics clumped together elsewhere).   Now I am working on adding the white pieces between each ‘flower’ and putting it together.  

So you can see we have been busy!

Weight Loss

But what about my weight loss efforts?   Maybe I should say my weight loss NON-EFFORTS!  Yes, you read that right.  I’ve struggled and I kinda gave up.

I’m terms of my addiction.  I actually haven’t been doing to badly with that.  My mindset is in a better place! However, I have been struggling since vacation in October. I have been barely hanging on.  My birthday weekend  this mont followed by holidays was a combination that was not good.   I didn’t track anything and didn’t even think about calorie intake!   And yes there was cake…and apple dumplings…and pie….well you get the point.

So I am sitting on a weight gain!  Embarrassing.  But I’m determined to turn this around….and I have some plans formulating in my head.  One of which is that I am planning on doing another mile challenge in 2022.  It was fabulous for me in 2021.  I saw how my legs grew stronger..not just for biking but also in my hiking abilities.  So that is in the works (gonna officially sign up today).   Secondly, I will be switching to my new day planner at the end of this week and it has a section for habit tracking.   So I will be tracking my daily habits.   Right now I will be focusing on a few things:

1.  Tracking my food

2.  Calories 1400 or lower

3.  Exercise at least 5 days a week

4.  Step count…aiming right now for 5k but hope to up that

5. 64 ounces water bare minimum!

It really will be a back to the basics plan.    I KNOW that the basics work for me.  I just need to focus on them.  I am setting a weight loss goal also.  I am aiming to lose 1 pound a week.  That is a doable goal.   And since I am sitting at roughly 250 pounds, that will put me at 200 pounds by this time next year.   Sure, I would love to be at goal by this time next year. But slow and steady will work.  I would rather have a doable goal versus a goal that will bring me to failure!  So one pound a week it is!    Hmm…maybe I will just make it a simple 50 pounds for next year.  50 pounds in honor of my 2022 50th birthday!!  

I’m technically not waiting until the new year to start.  I am working today to make some changes.  Gearing up so to speak!   Starting to build those habits!!!

So here I am.  Alive and well.  Fatter and more miserable with my weight, but ready to make changes!  Now is the time!!

Week Three of this 12 Week Challenge

 This week wasn't as successful as my first two weeks.   I can honestly say that I still worked the plan, but it just wasn't meant to be.  That's ok too.

I started my weight week gung ho.  I was coming off of two highly successful weeks of weight loss.  I was sure that I could carry on with the success.   I mean, how hard could it be?   It was hard....on Monday I went to eat lunch and opened the refrigerator.  What to eat, what to eat.    I didn't see many options for my normal vegetable lunch so I grabbed......a piece of leftover pizza.   First of all, That was more calories than I wanted to spend on a single item for my lunch.  But secondly, it wasn't exactly choke full of nutrition.   Two strikes against that lunch.

I was able to watch my calories the rest of the day and I didn't blow my calorie count for the day.  But, that day I was a bit higher than normal.  I wasn't worried though.   Friday I went to lunch with my mom and brother and ate more than usual for lunch....and then had my normal Friday night dinner.  So my calories were a bit higher.   Two higher caloric days.  And when I say higher....I mean that I ate 1500-1600 calories TOTAL.  Not 1500 more than my planned caloric goal.  I was only 300 calories over my goal...for two days.  I continued on with my exercise plan.  I did really well.  I'm right on track with my miles.  We even got in a nice long ride on the canal on our bikes!  I'm doing great with my exercises.   Spot on!  Yet.....

This week I showed a gain of 0.6 pounds.  

I won't lie and say that I'm not bothered by it.  It is infuriating.  But I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can say that my calories and my accounting of my food and exercise was and is spot on. I didn't lie to myself.  I didn't 'forget' to count the bites licks and tastes.   I counted everything.  I did what I needed to do.  The scales just weren't with me this time.  And you know what, that's ok!  

I am here to be healthy.  Healthy is what I am doing.   The weight will fall away....sooner or later.  Hopefully sooner!

Ending the cycle

So..... did I break the cycle that I wrote about on Friday?  

On Friday I wrote about my vicious cycle that I have been struggling with.  I wrote about how my weeeknda were a huge struggle.  We naturally tend to eat more junk food and with that junk food comes a tendency to have a sweet treat each night.  And some nights a LOT of sweet treats.  Seriously a few weeks ago I ate two crepe filled donuts as dessert and that was after a full dinner!  Two!  (They were delicious!).  The weekends would make my weight pop up o the scales....and then I would need to play catch up.  Through the work week I would be eating ‘perfectly in an effort to lose the weight I gained in a desperate attempt to not show a gain!  Sometimes I was lucky and even showed a slight loss.  But I wasn’t always lucky.   I knew (know) that I can’t continue that cycle!  So on Friday I made that vow to break the cycle!

I am not aiming for perfection.  So I decided that I could resist a sweet treats...mostly.   I would allow myself ONE sweet treat!  Not one night of sweet treats (which would allow me to have two or three donuts. Or a half gallon of ice cream). One serving would be allowed over the whole weekend!   That allowed  me to have something I enjoy but in a severely limited and managed manner.   A good balance between living my life happily but in a healthy manner.  (In other words, a sustainable balance.)

All day long of Friday I stressed about this limitation.   Should I get dessert on Friday night when we ordered our dinner?  It would be tasty.   I would enjoy it for sure.  But what if we had a better option for desserts on Saturday...or Sunday?  Then I would be faced with a monumental choice of trying to resist when something better came along.  But what if I turned down dessert on Friday and then Saturday and Sunday rolled along and no delicious dessert came my way?   Then I would have lost that delicious dessert and I would be high and dry with no sweet treat!  (The tragedy!) 

You may laugh, but I pondered this decision all day long on Friday!

Luckily the decision was made easier for me.   We ordered form a place that didn’t usually tempt us with desserts and I was tired and felt no desire to make anything.  On Saturday I resisted the Reece’s cups at the store while grocery shopping ...I was saving myself for something awesome. (And I was tempted with the Reece’s Cups thin!)  Mid afternoon went to a farmers market and picked up donuts.   I ordered ONE and I will be the first to admit that I savored that donut!  It was delicious.   When Sunday rolled around, surprisingly I wasn’t tempted to grab anything.  

I did it!  I limited my sweet treats and I did great.  Now I will be clear and say that I did ‘indulge’ in a banana with a bit of chocolate syrup. But I’m not even going to count a banana and a bit of chocolate as a sweet treat!  It’s a healthy snack!

So my weight. How do my daily weigh ins look?   Grrrrrr! 

I was so excited to step on the scale this morning.  I wanted to see the number because there was no way that my weight popped up!   It had stayed steady through Saturday morning and Sunday morning weigh ins...I just needed a good weigh in on Monday to carry myself through the weekend and break that cycle.  

Three pounds UP!   Exactly three pounds!   Yes..  three pounds.   You see...the monthly scourge (my female cycle) decided to visit...a week and a half early might I add.     I have long known that my weight pops by 2-3 pounds with that.  But seriously....why!  I wanted to see the success!!!!

Water water water...that is the plan for today (not only the hormonal water weight...I know I didn’t drink enough water this weekend).   If I stay the course this weight gain should disappear!!!!!!

A great week!!!

 I had a great week......well a great week in terms of my life!  It may not have been so great in terms of my weight loss but we will get to that!

This past week I celebrated my 48th birthday.  I had off my birthday and the day after my birthday.  Jason had to work on the one day so I went to my mom's house and enjoyed time with her.  We had lunch with my brother and his family and it was a great day!

Oh yeah, mom also made me my favorite cookie!  And yes, I sorta kinda lost control of myself when eating them!  I only ate two at a time...and luckily the batch is not a huge batch so I only came home with 12 cookies!  But still.....

We had really nice weather over the weekend...so we got out and explored and just had some fun!  That was nice to be active and moving and seeing new things!

Ok, so maybe the healthy lifestyle fell by the wayside this weekend.....The weekend is over and I'm right back to it!!!!!!

Covid 19 pounds

 I had such grand plans when Covid began.  Sure I was stressed out about the state of our world, but I had grand plans and I was going to rock out the quarantine!   I was going to lose weight.  I was going to get fit.  I was going to show the world who was boss....and it wasn't Covid!

Original plans for the quarantine

When I was sent from the office to work from home in mid March, I was so excited!  I was going to reclaim time in my life.  I would have time to walk after work!  I would be able to get a good workout in on my lunch.  OH my, I could actually start running, something I have missed so much!  I was going to continue to eat my on the go lunches and make this work!  At that point I had been losing slowly but steadily and I just knew that  the changes were going to be an opportunity to build upon that foundation!  I had this in the bag!!!

I am not even going to go into detail about what happened.  They are excuses!  Some of them valid (like plantars fasciitis) but there were always options to circumnavigate the excuse.  I failed BIG TIME!  I didn't do my lunch time workouts.  I didn't run. (well...I did maybe 5 times total in the first 6 months.)  I allowed snacks and larger than necessary lunches.  I just totally fell apart!

Covid...19 Pounds

To the best of my knowledge, I have not contracted the illness of Covid.  But regardless, I struggled with Covid 19.  The Covid 19 illness chewed me up and spit me out!  What am I talking about?  I am talking about the weight gain!  It started slowly. For the first few weeks I maintained my week and then my weight went up by a pound or two.  I maintained that for a few weeks and then it went up by a pound or two.   Over the last 7 months, I have managed to gain......19 pounds.  Yes, I  really did gain the covid NINETEEN.  

How embarrassing!

Ending the Pandemic Pounds

I do not want this pandemic to go on and on, but I fear that it will.  But regardless of what happens with the pandemic and covid-19, I have to stop the gain.  I have to regain control of my life, my body, my weight.   I do not want this to become worse than it already is.   I have to draw the line in the sand!  Enough is enough!

Starting now.....the calories have GOT to be in the correct level for my body to lose weight.  There are no excuses...I am worth the effort!!!!

Weigh In time: Groundhog Day

I feel as if I am stuck in the movie Groundhog Day.  I keep repeating myself....week after week.  It is the same thing and I can't seem to break from the cycle!

I gained....I have a plan....I'm going to crush this upcoming week..  I gained....I have a plan...I am going to crush this upcoming week.  Over and over and over.  It's embarrassing. It's frightening.  It's disappointing.  It is my life.

I actually started out this weight loss week really strong.  We hiked....twice.  We biked.....once.  My legs were wiped out!  I was tickled with the start to my week.

But my eating, while it wasn't horrible, wasn't perfect and the scales showed a pretty significant gain.  What?  I tracked my food and definitely don't feel as if I deserve a gain!   It is frustrating!

So I am regrouping... AGAIN.   I am looking at different options.  And I am trying again!   Perseverance will with this battle right?  I am going to revisit intermittent fasting.  I am going to be sitting tight on breakfast and not eating until about noon.  I am hoping that it gives me a bit of a kick start to losing weight again.   I am also hoping that 'freeing up' those calories/points that I have been eating in the morning gives me the leeway that I need during my lunches, which are MUCH harder to navigate now that I am working from home. 

Like I said..I've got this.  I WILL find the magic formula for my body and my current lifestyle in these crazy times!  A weight loss journey is a struggle.  It requires patience, constant change and adjustments and perseverance.  I'm still on track....just taking a minor detour!!!!

Keep living and TRUST the healthy living plan

This week is a mixture of emotions.   I had my weigh in on Friday and I was SOOOO not happy with my weight.  Seeing a number that I don't like really makes me want to give up, but that is NOT an option.  So I reviewed the week.  I pondered and I decided upon my course of action.   And honestly, my course of action may surprise some!

So lets get the nasties over with now.......I gained weight last week.

Just imagine me giving a deep sigh right now about showing a gain.

So I sat back and pondered and thought about my week. Honestly, when I thought back to the week that had just passed I could find NO issues with my food for the week.  I was honestly within my calories and eating really healthy options! Limited my carbs....ate near dang perfect.   I allow myself splurges here and there but I hadn't had ANY that week.  The biggest splurge I had was one night when I had some extra calories left in my budget and I had a banana with some peanut butter and chocolate.  I splurged on a BANANA....so a 3 pound gain?  I swear, it wasn't a big banana!

See, my calories were fine...and if I add in my exercise/activity I was MORE than fine.

I rode my bike.  I ran.  I walked every lunch break and every 15 minute break.  I also did yoga at 4:45 in the morning.  Did you get that? IN THE MORNING!  I sacrificed. Oh, and lets not forget the squats...175 a day.    I pushed myself.  I was KILLING it!   And I gained?

~~Another deep sigh~~

So what is my plan of attack?  Nothing but stay the course!   I am doing this the slow way and I am ok with that (really, I am).  I know that this way is the way that is going to set me up for 'forever' in terms of keeping my weight off.  That means that the scales will not always show a loss.  And if I am going to go this route I must accept the weird numbers on the scales.  

Ok, so that said....it is TOM (darn monthly water retention) and all that added activity and sore muscles which means that I was probably retaining water as my muscles worked to heal themselves.  So I KNOW that the muscle thing could be a part of the weight.  Are the muscles I'm gaining outweighing the fat I'm losing?    I wrote about the possibilities  a while back....right here if you are interested.

So, I am doing NOTHING different.  In fact, today is Jason's birthday and I celebrated this weekend with an indulgence of a Cinnabon.   Yes, it was super high in calories.....and yes it was worth it.  And I am ok with it!   It was a one night thing.  I am back on track and don't need a splurge again...maybe next week. (But I'm not interested in Jason's birthday sweet treat that is being made today....he would certainly share it with me....but I already splurged on something that I thought was worth it!)  

Ironically enough... one day this weekend when we rode our bikes I actually had the calories to have a Reece’s Cup (one cup...not a package) and I was so disappointed to find myself full and satisfied after dinner.  Did I shovel the Reece’s Cup into my mouth? No, I want to enjoy it and eating it when I’m already full is not enjoying...that is folish!   No...it will be waiting for whenever I have the calories AND when I can appreciate it!!!

So I am NOT changing course.  I am quite ok with what I am doing.  I am living healthy  I'm learning to live in moderation.  I"m learning to manage food.  I am learning to NOT allow food to have a hold over me.  I'm living life but changing at the same time.  I call that a weight loss journey win!