Dream It - Do It

I have been having some quite deep thoughts lately.  I have been thinking about where I am in life and where I want to be.  It's only natural after the year that I've had with it's up and many downs.  There have been moments where those thoughts turn darker, and I wonder why me?    I try to be a good person and do what is right and yet life seems to hand me lots of lemons.  I see other people out there on social media and other places waltzing through life and it seems as if everything goes their way. 

I know, I know, Social media is not always a true representation of everything.  Most people are not exactly forthcoming with the truth and only post the good.  And furthermore, the truth is usually only a half truth.   But it's so very difficult to see someone write about taking up painting one week and talking about their first ever painting.  The very next week I was seeing them post about how they decided to sell their paintings and they are selling like hotcakes.  Really?  That's not how my life goes for me!   I see people talking about writing their first book.  Setting up their own business.  Paying off their house early due to their side hustle.  Your name it it's out there and other people are doing it.  But yet I sit here stagnant.  I'm not making money on a side hustle.  I'm not learning to paint one day and selling it the next.  Well then again, maybe I should attempt to learn painting.  Maybe....  Ok, maybe not.  But it does make me question why things seemingly fall into place for so many while I am left floundering. 

Even as I pondered these other people and their successful ventures and lives, I realized what was different.   They had the ability to dream!    As my thoughts about dreams poured through me I experienced the familiar pangs of self-pity.  I started to think about my life and what I typically do.   When I was younger, I had big dreams.  I wanted to teach school and have a family and change the world.  I grabbed the bull by the horns, and I followed my dream to teach school.  I have written about my experience with teaching.  It left me a royal mess emotionally.  You can read about it here if you are interested.   Teaching turned out to be a failed dream.  Motherhood was also an elusive dream.  My ex-husband knew about that desire and trampled all over it.  I guess it's no small wonder that my marriage to him failed.  (I'm 50 years old now.....too old to try for a baby!  hahaha)     My two biggest and all-encompassing dreams died and withered on the vine. 

For years I was afraid to let myself dream.  I honestly had no dreams of major goals in life.  You see, if I had them, I would just be opening myself up to pain and heartache.  That is what had historically happened, so why would anything else be different.  And the while the fear of failure was and is still looming within me, I can recognize that I need to face the fear of failure and allow myself to dream.  I need to allow myself to set goals.  I need to allow myself to try!   You see, I need to not only dream it.  I need to Do it!

I have tons of projects in my life that I need to finish.  I need to put myself forward and say "I am doing it and I'm going to follow through and do it to completion."  I have had fantastic ideas!  But I've always tamped them down out of fear.   (I still love that idea to create a company to have educators dress up in historical clothing and teach lessons to elementary kids.  Learning from an actual reenactor is so much better than learning from a book!)  Occasionally, something will slip by me, and I'll do something and put myself out there.  But I never push hard to make it a true success!  

I started  youtube channel.  Much like I this blog, the youtube channel is an accountability tool for my weight loss journey.  I have reached about 800 subscribers.  People that joined at the same time as me have 4-5 thousand subscribers.  (You can reach monitization at 1000 subscribers).   I'm not saying that those people are making a ton of money, but it would be nice to make something for my little side hobby.   (I'll keep doing that and this blog because it is good for ME regardless of money).  

I wrote a book.   I have it published on Amazon.com.   I am quite proud of the fact that I did that.  I put myself out there on a very small scale.  I sold a few copies here and there.  But I never pushed it or promoted it.  So, it really was just a dream that I started but I never really DID!  But what about all those things that I have thought about and never done.  Those things that are a glimmer of a dream, but I've been too afraid to finish. 

20 years ago, I wrote a children's book.  I did it as a joke but an elementary school teacher that I knew read it and begged me to publish it.  Yet the book sits in a folder in my file cabinet gathering dust.   When I was at the pinnacle of my first weight loss attempt and basking in the glory of my weight loss transformation, I started to write a book on losing weight.  Not the particulars about how to lose weight, but more on how to get your mindset right.  I've picked it up and written a bit more here and there.  I just recently glanced at my outline, and I am SO close to being done.  A few times over the last few years I have thought about finishing it.  But it continues to sit in its three-ring binder.   I also started a book that I refer to as my 'diet-ventures'.   It's all those funny and crazy things that have happened to me during this mission to lose weight and be healthy.  Yet, the idea and the writings that I have sit in a file on my computer.    What is wrong with me?   

I'm afraid to Dream It and I'm afraid to DO it!   

Last year though, something changed for me.   I saw something about a miniature competition.  I love my miniatures, and something prompted me to enter the competition.  I worked on and off all year long.  (Mostly off until fall when I realized that I was nearing the deadline).  I actually followed through.  I had a dream that I was going to do something worthy of submission and I followed through and did it.  I didn't back off. I submitted my entry!  I did it!   I am still waiting to see if I won...or even got any honorable mentions.  But that's ok.  I had a blast doing it.  I followed through.  I dreamed it. and I did it!  

It is time to not only dream, but it is also time to actually do!   What does this mean for me?  Well, I'll be continuing to write here.  I like writing here.  This is my accountability and my place to write out my feelings and thoughts.  It's cathartic for me.    But what else does it mean?

1.  The Children's book - It means finding an illustrator.  Or maybe actually trying to illustrate it myself?  (ha).    

2.  The Weight Loss book - Finish those areas that need written (it is probably 90% complete in its writing) and start to reread and fine tune and get it proofread.  Ultimately, get it published.

3.  The Diet-Ventures - Finish writing the ventures.  I am probably 1/2 way through writing it.  Edit/proofread and of course published.

4.  NOT drop the ball on promotion for these books when they do get to the publishing stage. And yes, most likely they will be self-published again which means I have to do more marketing myself. 

5.  That miniature contest that I entered for 2022, well I already have the base and made the commitment to submit an entry in 2023!

6.  Commit to building my YouTube channel.  Give it a serious go to see if I CAN build it and if could be something more than an outlet for my personal accountability.  Man, does that mean have to get brave and post it on my Facebook page and let the world see it also?  I have historically kept not only my YouTube channel private and separate from my friends and family (of course Jason knows....and some other members of my family also know, but as a general rule, not many people in my real life know! Likewise, I didn't make it public knowledge about my book that I published.  Fear of letting others see me fail!)

I think that's enough for now.  In fact, that's not too bad for a gal that has been afraid to dream for ages!  Or maybe I should say been afraid to dream and fail!  

it was only

​I had another week where I felt like I was mostly on plan with this healthy living thing.  I also just felt like I was not going to lose any weight.

My week

I was on point almost the whole week.  I had one weekend day where I was a bit higher and a bit over my food budgets but for the most part I was spot on.  I am following the WW plan and that gives A person some weekly points for this extras…and I like to think to ‘live’ so I was actually ok.  

My water consumption was a bit spotty.  I made my goal most days but missed it a few times.  

Exercise I blew it out of the water with a victory!  I did great!  I even upped the intensity with going from aerobics to step aerobics!  It is amazing how something as simple as adding a step up and down makes a difference.  I was doing Zumba and other cardio workouts and many of the steps are similar…except for the step up and step down that is incorporated.  It makes a huge difference in intensity level!!!   I’ve been having a blast!

So my week was mostly victorious in terms of the healthy habits that I have been working to incorporate into my life!  So I have no clue why I was so nervous about any weigh in!

Stress

When will the stress bus leave me alone?  It’s been one thing after another…some things linger…some come and go.   

*Mom’s stroke and her rehab and current t state of course lingers.  

* I had that situstion with my work that started last July with uncertainty about the stability of my job and if I would have a job after the beginning of October

* and of course let’s not forget Axe Boy and his run in with an axe….and of course his long time off of work (he is still off work…it will be at least 4 months off work before he goes back…if he goes back after his next doctors appointment.  

So I’m still struggling with the stress of mom and  still stressed about Jason’s injury and the ongoing single paycheck family status for us.  The work thing righted itself and my job remained secure.   Until Friday when they called us into another meeting.  My current team is now being disbanded…”they are trying to find positions for everyone…but no guarantee and in fact maybe you should look for a job.”  I’m stressed!   

Weigh In 

So I had my weigh in.  I only lost 0.6.  I lost a stinking half pound!   Only a half pound for all my hard work!  What is up with that!   It’s super frustrating!  I wanted to scream with frustration at the scales when I saw my piddly weight loss.  

Even as frustration poured through me, I kept telling myself ‘it wasn’t a gain’.   The only failure is a gain!  A maintain is a victory.  A loss of even an ounce is a a victory!   So being disappointed by a half pound loss is stupid.  But it’s human!

It’s Only

Even as the disappointment settled within me, I turned to closing out my January and calculating my total loss for the month.   I ended the month with a 6.6 pound loss.  Once again I felt disappointed because I wanted more.  And 6.6 seems so tiny.  But then I started to think about something. 

6.6 pounds in one month…if I lost that every month this year…where would I be???   Not good at mental math?  That disappointing monthly total multiples by 13 is 79.2 pounds!  What!!!!   It’s only 6.6 pounds and it would equal 79.2 pounds.  That would put me very close to goal weight….by Christmas!!!  All for a disappointing 6.6 pounds each month. 79.2 is not disappointing!

That made me think about that 0.6 pounds.   If I just say I lost a half pound….that is shameful right?   But in a year ‘only’ a half pound would equal 26 pounds!   That is not shameful at all!  I’ve gained 10-15 pounds in one to two weeks!!!   

So instead of saying ‘it’s only’ we need to look at the long term and see about how it adds up in the long run!!!

Stepping Up

​Where does time go?  I’m telling you!  I blink and the day is gone!  Life is gonna slow down at some point right?

I have been doing Zumba and some dance aerobic classes through some YouTube videos.  I’ve gotten some good workouts but seriously, I have upped the intensity of my workouts this week.  I did it inadvertently.  Late last week I was thinking about my trunk of fitness stuffZ. I dug in and found my old exercise workout dvds!  I also found a whole bunch of other stuff.  I will probably pull that out at a later date.  I was excited about my old friends, the dvds!

The first dvd I popped in was a step dvd by Cathe Freidrich.   I remembered that I really liked her style.  The way she leads is easy to follow.  Through her videos I never felt totally lost.s. Maybe one step behind on occasion but her calling of the steps is so spot on that it is rare to miss a step!     I was once again hooked on step aerobics!  Sadly enough, I got rid of all of my VHS exercise tapes…so I only have one of her videos!  Im kinda bummed out about that.  Eventually I will have to add more to my collection or just pay the monthly fee for her website.  I will most likely just buy the dvds as needed.   

I also did a straight aerobic dvd.  It wasn’t as high intensity, but it served its purpose…and it was so crazy to listen to the dvd after years of it being in storage. Im telling you…it was like visiting with old friends!

Needing something different I was trying to find a Cathe step class online (nope she doesn’t have much in the way of a complete workout posted on YouTube).  I somehow stumbled upon CDornerfitness on YouTube.  Here style of leading is spot on and she calls everything a step ahead just like Cathe so that she is easy to follow.  (At least the two workouts that I have done thus far!).   Best part about it?  She posts full workouts for free.  Like she has hundreds of workouts.  Lots of step…but lots of other styles of exercise classes also!  Yay!!   What a find!!!  https://youtube.com/@CDornerFitness

So Zumba…and these other videos I’ve done have been good.  But adding the step totally upped the intensity!  I am sweating harder from the exertion with the step aerobics.  I am more sore (muscle achy sore) after the workouts also!  Love it!  

I had a bad feeling

 We had another busy weekend!  When will things slow down?  Will they ever slow down?   It was a good week overall though!

Zoey

We had another fun week with our puppy.   We have had her for three weeks now and she is settling in.  She is a bit of a ham and comes running up to the camera, so I have to be sneaky with pictures!    When we got her, she was right at 32 pounds (at home weight).  She went to the vet a week after we got her and she was 34 pounds.   SHe went back to the vet this past week and she is now almost 42 pounds.  My girl is growing like a weed!

She is learning lots of new things.  Important things actually.  We continue to potty train her.  She is pretty good with that.  She just needs to figure out how to tell us she has to go potty.  She goes into the kitchen and stares at the door, but that is not a feasible method since we can't see her if she is in the kitchen.  So currenty we are jumping up and running to look to see if she is staring at the door.  We have jingle bells on the door which we rattle each time she goes out.  SHe has rattled it two times on her own and we have immediately taken her outside but she just plays out there on those trips.  SHe will get it....I hope!   She is also learning to not jump up on us.  As a puppy (albeit a big puppy) it's not too bad, but she is growing and will be well over a hundred pounds.  We can't have that much dog jumping up on us.  We have been working on how to walk on a leash without pulling our arms out of the sockets.  Newfoundlands are noted for being awesome at pulling....so it is her nature, and we are trying to break her of that.  We have been talking about getting her into drafting......pulling a cart.  But that won't come until she is at least 18 months old and her body is done growing and her bones and muscles are ready for it!  She is doing well! 

She enjoyed the 4-5 inches of snow that we got on Wednesday.  She was running and leaping in the air.  I honestly think that may have been one of her best days thus far in her life. 

Exercise and food

I have been doing great with my exercise and food.  I have been super consistent with my tracking.  I track each and every bite that I eat.  I have managed to keep my points within my target range for al but one day.  The day that I wasn't in my range was calculated and planned.  I also have my weekly points so that is what I used to cover my overage.  So I did great with eating.

Exercise I also did fantastic with.  I have remained consistent with my efforts and have exercised each day that was planned.  I did take some time off over the weekend to allow my body to heal.  I plan on doing that again this weekend.  My legs feel heavy and cumbersome, so I know it's time for a bit of a break!  I will still be walking the dog and doing other stuff...just not squats and jumping jacks and whateer else the youtube workout videos throw at me!  

Weigh in

I was nervous about this weigh in.  SO nervous.  I have not been weighing myself daily like I used to. It's not that I don't want to.  It's simply that I have been using the hall bathroom and my scales are in the master bath.    So it was with fear and trepidation that I stepped onto the scales this morning.  Sadly, my fears were founded. (Don't ask me how I knew that it was not going to be a good week on the scales...I just had this gut feeling.)  I gained a pound.  

I am bummed.  No gain is ever welcome.  A maintain is hard enough to bear, but a gain?

I am telling myself that it's ok.  I know that I lived a healthy and fit life this past week and that the scales WIL catch up.  My main goal is to be fit and healthy and i did that.  The numbers on the scaes are a bonus whenever that happens.  The main thing is to stay consistent!  I'm not letting that number on the scale derail me from the good that I am doing!  So full steam ahead!

Have my cake and eat it too

 I am still at it!  My absence did NOT mean that I have fallen off the bandwagon.  It did not mean that I have given up and started to shovel food into my mouth at some insane rate of speed!  Nope, my absence is simply that I have been busy!  I have continued to work my healthy living plan and I'm doing well!

Healthy Habits

I continue to work on the healthy habits. I feel like I am nailing them.  I have some slips to report, but overall, I feel as if I'm doing great!

 I am continuing to track all of my food.   I do great with this!  I am able to keep myself within my food budget most days.  I usually have one day on the weekend that is a bit higher, but I'm actually really cool with that!  I have always adhered to a 'cheat day' mentality.   Even though I hate the word cheat....I have a day where I kinda do what I want.  I don't worry about the calories or points.  I feel as if this is important for the longevity of this lifestyle.  I know for me saying that I will never again eat pizza or that I will never have cake again is utterly preposterous.  That is not sustainable.  I also know from experience that I can abstain and lost weight.  But when I lose the weight I will dive back into those unhealthy options and unhealthy habits face first.  So I am working to learn to have my cake and eat it too!  So I did have cake over the weekend.  I did have a day where my points were kinda high.  And that's ok!

I am continuing to work on getting at least 64 ounces of water each day.  I am pretty consistent with this now.   I don't have to give it 'too' much thought.  So it really is becoming a habit!  I am still flavoring my water.  I use a trace mineral vitamin packet in the morning.   I have been doing that since before Covid .   At first I was more sporadic but once covid hit, I became quite consistent with that.    I also use flavor packs for my water throughout the day.  Each packet flavors one bottle or 16 ounces of water.  I use one flavor packet to flavor a 32 ounce container of water.  SO not too bad.  I am working toward eliminiating that flavor packet and only have my morning vitamin packet.   In time.  Right now I"m just happy to be getting my 64 ounces of water even if it is flavored.   

There was one day where I did not get my water.  I got up to about 32 ounces of water and prepared my next 32 ounces of water. I was going to take it with me when I went to visit my mom.  I was about 30 minutes down the road when I realized that I had left it on the kitchen counter.  Ooops.  I didn't get home until about 8:00 or 8:30 and I was NOT going to chug 32 ounces of water before bed. (We go to bed early as the morning alarm goes off at 5AM and I"m usually up before that).  I dind't want to have to get up numerous times to go to the bathroom.  THat's annoying for me....and Jason who has his sleep interuppted when I get up out of bed.  It wakes up the bird...who needs sleep so he is not a jerk!   AND it stirs up the puppy who sleeps in a crate in our bedroom.   And when the puppy gets stirred it means a trip outside.....it's winter and cold!  So I readily gave up my perfect streak of water consumption.   The good thing?  I was right back at it the next day and I"ve not looked back and didn't let that one day mess me up!

Exercise has also been going really well!  I have been exercising consistently!  I have even added in some strength training!  GO me!   My steps have suffered a bit.  The first to weeks of the year I was doing GREAT with getting my goal of 8K steps a day.     A lot of that was procurred during my exercise time. (I do youtube videos......).   I was doing great!  BUT, I knew that I needed to work on some resistence training.  So i backed off on my cardio videos and added in some strength training videos.   The problem?  Strength training doesn't give me the steps.  I didn't hae the time to add the strength training in on top of the cardio.  So I opted to back off on that goal and be more well rounded in my workouts!  

So the healthy habits are going really well!

Puppy life

The puppy is doing well.  She is so cute!  It's cold outside though!  It's miserable to take her out sometimes.  We didn't think through the fact that we don't have a fenced in yard!  So we have to be out with her!   She has bad separation anxiety anyway!  So even when we try to put her on the lead and go inside and watch from the warmth, she just comes to the door and cries.  Yeah, breaks our hearts also!  So outside we go in the cold. (and rain on a few occasions). 

Axe Boy

Jason is still not back to work.  His foot is slowly healing and at his last appointment the doctor was surprised that there seems to be more function than he originally thought Jason was going to get.  This leads him to believe that the tendon was possibly NOT cut the whole way through OR that it was cut but somehow the ends have fused together on their own.  (The MRI was inconclusive.....it looked as if it was severed but it was not a 100% certainty.)  So the doctor wanted Jason off for 6 more weeks.  (he still is in PT to get more function to be able to actually do his job).  He goes back to the doctor on Feb 13.   His being home is nice.  I like having him in the house while I"m working and spending my breaks with him.  It is also perfect timing to get a puppy since he has time to work with the puppy.  It's not perfect timing financially as we just bought a house.   At least Jason can drive now himself.  The first two months or so were rough as he couldn't drive and I was waiting on him hand and foot as he was supposed to be off the foot 100%.

Weigh in

I have been weighing myself on Fridays.   Surprisingly, I have been staying away from the scale most other days. FOr me this is weird because I have always been a daily weigh person.  And some days it drives me crazy because I am in a state of panic about what my weight is doing.  (I don't torture myself; I just go and weigh myself that day for a check). This past Friday I weighed myself and I was down more!  I have lost 7 pounds since the beginning of this year!     I have the momentum and I am determined!

The days are just flying by!  I blink and it's the next day.    I am still trying to do it all and juggle everything.  Some days I feel as if I'm failing miserably and some days, I feel like I've got this thing called life licked.  I'm trying to not let life get to me.  I'm trying to not get overwhelmed.  I'm just trying to take one day at a time!!!

An Extreme Way to get steps!

Here we are and we are already closing out the second week of the new year!   Let me tell you, it has been a super eventful first two weeks of the year!   I've been killing it with my weight loss efforts.  We added to our family.   It's been....well it's been nuts!

Exercise

I have been absolutely killing it with my activity levels this year!  At the end of December I started to get things ready and lined up.   There wer some changes with furniture coming and I was losing my dedicated spot in the living room to do my exercises and really spread out.  So, I got a tv and made a nice spot for myself in our nearly empty family room.  (Nope, not much furniture in there yet).  We also got some bowflex adjustable hand weights.  I used my money from work (they give a certain amount of money each year that we can spend toward something fitness related....weights...bikes...fitness watches....gym memberships, etc).  So I knew that come the new year that there would be NO EXCUSE!    I also joined a step challenge on Youtube.  My personal goal is 8K steps each day.  That doesn't seem like a lot...but for someone that was struggling to get past 3k steps and whenever I managed to get to 5K I thought it was a big deal.  Thus, you can see that 8000 steps is ahuge thingfor me!   I started on the first of the year and I have been absolutely slaying the exercise/activity!  There is only 1 day that I have missed my 8K steps!  But when I average it out, I am KILLING it!   I have also chosen to do some type of formal exercise every day!  And the only days that I have NOT done something in terms of formal exercise are days where my steps are already through the roof.   BY formal exercise I mean a workout video....zumba, walking video....something like that.     My steps have increased and while my legs hurt the first few days, they are slowly getting better!   I was so determined to get my steps that I went to the extreme!   

New Family Member

About a week ago, Jason came flying into the office. He had found a Newfoundland puppy!   Now let me backtrack a bit.  I have ALWAYS known that Jason wanted and planned to get another newfoundland.  His first newfoundland had passed away before I met Jason and on one of our first dates (I think it was date number two) we actually had a conversation about my feelings toward big, slobbery, hairy dogs.   (I wonder if he would have halted and had no further dates if I had said that it would be an issue.  HMmmmmm )   So I have always known that it was just a matter of time before this would come to pass.  While we lived in our apartment he talked about it and actually switched to other dog breeds. (our apartment had a 40 pound weight limit for animals).   We finally got our own house...with land and I knew he would ramp up the talks!  Recently he had started talking about a rottweiler.    I knew it was coming soon.  I have even laughed and said "I expect you to come home from work one day with a puppy int he car...something that you run into in your travels to peoples houses".    So when he came flying into my office I wasn't surprised!  We went to see the puppy that night and the next night we welcomed a 33 pound newfoundland puppy into our house!

Meet Zoey. She was born September 19, 2022 and currently weighs 35 pounds. (She will weight over 100 pounds when she is full grown).

So there has been lots of dog walking in the yard. (the yard is not fenced).   OK, maybe getting a puppy is a bit of an extreme way to get more steps!  

Eating and Weigh In

My eating has been doing really well.  I have been tracking EVERYTHING and I've been managing to stay within my points budget most days.  I have had a few bobbles.  But I have always said that I am not striving for perfection, I am aiming for sustainability! What I have done the last few weeks have been perfectly sustainable!

So how have I done on the scale?   Well I have dropped just about 5 pounds in 13 days!  I had a moment of disappointment when I stepped onto the scale and saw a loss of just shy of 2 pounds for this week.  I wanted more!  But 2 pounds (1.8) is quite respectable and is a very healthy rate to lose weight!  So I will take it!

Life is still extremely crazy.   I'm trying to shuffle so much. I'm stressed about so many things.  But I am determined this year to take care of myself first and foremost!   Thus far I'm winning!

Happy 17th Blogiversary

 Oh my word!  Has it really been 17 years?  It surely has!  I started this blog in January of 2006 and I have maintained it  ever since then, even if sometimes sporadically.  

This blog has been so much to me.  It was the outlet for me when I was first figuring out this weight loss thing. I was a large girl when I first started this blog!

 This blog was my salvation!  It was my random thoughts as I learned how to eat healthy.  It was my outlet as I figured out what plans and techniques to use to lose weight.  I celebrated my successes and temporary failures as I lost a LOT of weight.   I actually even lost down to my goal weight with weight watchers!

This blog walked with me hand in hand when I went through my divorce.  It followed me when I was falling in love with Zumba.  It was there when I  was running consistently.

This blog has also been there as I've regained more weight than I want to admit...but pictures don't lie!

This blog has been there through the good times and the bad times for sure!   I know most of the people that started out blogging when I did have left the scene, but I'm sticking around.   

I sometimes get so mad when I try to find something and can only find videos.  Maybe I'm old fashioned but I like to read my information sometimes!  So I wil continue to write.   PLUS, writing for me is cathartic.  It allows me to process things in my head.  It allows me to work through problems.  Plus, I have this weight to lose!!! It allows me to see things more clearly!  So here I am....ready to keep writing!  Lets make it to 20!!!! (and beyond!)

Happy New Year

 

Closing out the Old Year

 Here it is, the end of the 2022 already!  This year has been a crazy one.  We searched for and bought a house.  My mom had a stroke.  Jason had an unfortunate meeting with an axe.  Worry about my job.  Jason being off work indefinitely.  Yeah, it's been a nuts-o year!

In December, I have started to work on healthy habits.  I've managed to get back into the habit of tracking my food.  I've also managed to get back into the habit of drinking at least 64 ounces of water!  

I also ate cookies.

And apple dumplings. 

We had a nice Christmas and enjoyed the snow storm that came a few days before Christmas.  It was neat to see our house covered in snow for the first time!

Oh yeah, and I gained weight this year.  Not a whole lot....about 5-10 pounds.  Ok, who am I kidding...that's bad enough!

As the year closes, I don't plan on making promises that the year 2023 will be fantastic.   Many of the same stressors that I have going on right now will still be around.  The hectic aspects of my life will still be around.  BUT, I am making a promise that I will work toward being healthier in this upcoming year.  SUre, I would like to say that I'll lose 50 pounds...or 75 pounds....or however many pounds.  But I"m only vowing to be healthier!  I have a few things up my sleeve...which we will discuss soon!  

In the meantime, I'm just settling in for the last few days of this ride called 2022!

Merry Christmas

 

New Habit Progress

This month of December is full of building (rebuilding) healthy habits!  I started with tracking my food ad drinking water at first.  But then last week I added a new one!  The questions is how did I do?

I continued tracking my food.  I'm back in the grove and it has truly become a habit for me to track every bite I eat. I feel happy with my assessment that it was time to add a new habit!  

 My new habit was to keep my calories/points at a good level in order to lose weight.  first day of tracking was ROUGH.  I was honestly trying to eat right and keep my points low..but that first day I was 6 points over!  Eii Yii Yii!  Luckily we have those weekly points to allow us to 'live a bit!"    But the other days, I was able to eat pretty decently and had no issues staying within my points.   Ok, lets be honest, I WANTED desserts.  I WANTED more food!  I WANTED to eat junk food.  But I didn't!  I've kept my eating right where it needs to be!

My other original healthy habit......drinking 64 ounces of water.  What in the world?  This one is SOOO difficult!  I struggled.  Oh, I freely admit that I struggled!  BUT, slowly...surely I managed to start to bring it back around.  By the end of last week, I was getting my 64 ounces of water.  I was chugging the last 8 ounces at hte end of the day sometimes, but I was doing it!  I had to default to putting some flavor packs in my water (which I try to limit) but I got it!  This habit is far from set in stone.  But I finally feel as if I have taken a step in the right direction!

So how is my weight doing?  

I honestly have no clue!  I weighed myself on Monday, the first day I started to try to eat the proper amount of points/calories.  I have not weighed myself since then.  Part of that is due to convenience.  I've been showering in the hall bathroom....my scales are in the master bath.  But a bigger part is that I haven't felt the need.  I know that my eating over my birthday weekend was horrible...so I know that on Tuesday and Wednesday and maybe even Thursday my weight was still trying to regulate after that.  I didn't want to see a higher number.  I didn't want to be demoralized!  So I have stayed away from the scales.  Maybe next week!  :-)

Christmas is around the corner.  I'm as ready as I'm going to be.  Dinner on Christmas Day should be low key and not too big, which should help with my eating!  And if it does go a little crazy, well that's ok also.  It's only one day....one meal.  Meanwhile we had an ice storm....but no snow.  Will we have a white christmas?  It remains to be seen!

Adding a New Habit

 The other week I decided to start afresh and make this weight loss thing happen.  I am tired of being overweight.  I am tired of hurting.  I am just sick and tired of it!   So I started.  Now I didn't start full steam ahead and vow to do everything right.  I made a vow to work on two habits at a time.  I vowed to work on tracking my food and drinking at least 64 ounces of water. 

The tracking has gone splendidly.  Even through my birthday weekend it was a win!  I have tracked religiously for the last two weeks!    I have gotten back into the habit and routine of keeping a record of what I am eating.  I feel as if I have done a good job with my tracking.  I tracked everything.  Honestly, I am too ashamed to even share my points /calories that I ate some days.  It was ugly!  But ugly or pretty the goal was to track regardless.  I nailed this habit setting venture.  I will be continuing to track my food!

I wish I could declare the same victory for my water drinking habit that I was/am working on.  This one has proven to be very elusive to capture.  Some days I come really close to drinking my 64 ounces.  Some days I'm rather far away.  I think that I only managed this once or twice.  This habit definitely is NOT cemented yet.  I've still got some work to do on this habit building venture to drink my water!

So I am continuing to work on creating the water habit but since I have the tracking down, it is time to add a new habit to the mix to work on.   So what is the new habit going to be?   Well it is going to be working to keep my calories/points in line each day.  I'm not aiming for perfection.  Aiming for perfection is a good way to get discouraged because life is not perfect. I am aiming for 5-6 days a week of perfection.  I am aiming to be within my points for the week (using the weekly points for WW).    So water and keeping my food intake at a correct level for weight loss success is my habits that I will be focusing on.   Now just because I am focusing on these two habits doesn't mean that I will be ignoring the tracking...that is in theory now a habit and will be continuing!

I had a nice birthday weekend.  On Thursday we ran all of our errands and went to see my mom.  On Friday we headed north and visited the abandoned coal mine town of Centralia.  This is the town that was abandoned when the coal seams/coal mines caught on fire under the town....and continue to burn out of cotntor.   (you can watch my youtube video here for some more info) Sadly for us, all the buildings are gone and it is simply roads and sidewalks that are being reclaimed by nature.  But we visited the cemeteries and soaked in the abandoned nature of this town. 

On my actual birthday we headed up the road again, but a lot closer this time.  We went to Carlisle PA and visted the Army Heritage Museum.   I have driven up the interstate so many times and noticed the army equipment situated along the walking trail but I never realized that there is a very nice museum there also.   We had a few enjoyable hours exploring the museum and walking trail. 

It was a nice birthday weekend.  Now that I am half a hundred, it's time (past time) to get my health in line!   

Habit Building

​It’s my birthday month!  Woohoo!!  It’s time to celebrate!

Ok, maybe there won’t be huge celebrations, but I’m going to claim the month as my own!

On December first I took the ‘this is a new year approach.    I didn’t wait for December first, it just so happened that my mind clicked on December first.  It wasn’t until about the third that I realized that I started over on a new month.

So what does my start over entail?  My start over at this exact moment is not hardcore.  It is tracking everything I eat. Good bad and ugly tracking.  I had not tracked through October or November.   This starting over is me working to get my water consumption back to a proper level.  My water consumption has been woefully lacking! And for right now that it is.  

Of course I know that living a healthy lifestyle involves a bit more than those two things.  It involves choosing healthier options in terms of my food consumption.  It involves adding more steps/activity/exercise into my life. And yes, those two things are probably more important than the tracking.  But I am building healthy habits right now. 

Tracking is one of the most important habits to build, for me at least.  This is for two reasons.  The first reason is that when  I’m not tracking I tend to eat more….and more….and more.  I eat and THINK I am eating decently.  But it’s crazy how many points/calories I am really eating!  I am still planning on following weight watchers.  I have had incredible success with their program in the past….and even in September when I was doing it I was seeing signs of success.   On the first of December I started tracking my food in the WW app.  I wasn’t aiming to be perfect in my food consumption…my goal was to track..to get in the habit of tracking.  I didn’t think it would be all that bad.  I wasn’t eating horrible!  I get 31 points a day…and I was hitting 55-60 points each day!  Yikes!     That brings me to the second reason why tracking is important for me.  Tracking is important because it makes me make healthier choices…it makes me more cognizant of my choices.   Slowly and without any real effort I have been seeing my daily points that I’ve consumed start to drop.  Yesterday I was only 6 points over.    Perfect?  Not at all, but much better than being 28 points over my daily budget.

We had a good weekend.  I worked on Friday after work and Saturday morning to get stuff done (groceries, laundry, errands, etc). On Saturday afternoon Jason and I drove up to check out the REI closest to where we live now.  And a nice little extra, there was a dollhouse store only a 2-3 miles from that REI!  I found a pair of bike shorts that were an incredible sale!  (70% off original price). They are a normal short but have a bike short insert.  At the dollhouse store I was able to control my impulses!  I wanted SO many things!  But, I only got three items and those three items were things I needed for a dollhouse scene that I am working on.  When we headed home we decided to stay off the interstate and we ended up stopping at Pine Grove State Park.   We couldn’t hike or do too much as Jason is still wearing a surgical boot…and can’t walk much without pain.  But we walked for a wee bit and we have vowed to go back.  (The Appalachian Trail goes through the park…so definitely good hiking!). 

On Sunday I spent time in the morning with my mom.  It is so difficult to see your parents age and to watch their health decline.  Mom is still struggling with the after affects of the stroke. (Physical mobility) and another condition that affects cognitive abilities. (Which the stroke also affects ). As hard as it is to see your mom barely able to walk even with assistance, It is so much harder to sit there and hear your mom struggle for something as simple as remembering what day of the month her daughter was born.  (FYI she got it wrong). 

After time with mom I drove south and spent a few hours geocaching with a long time friend. (Since we were about 12 years old).  It was a good thing.    

Monday…and back to work and the normal grind.  Still tracking…still working on my water consumption.  And gearing up for my birthday weekend!  I know that there will be cookies. It is my birthday cookie that my mom makes once a year…on my birthday.   I have the recipe and I will be attempting them this year.   

So this week has cookie making, a trip to the podiatrist for Jason’s foot, and of course my 50th birthday.

My weight?  I’m sticking to the water and tracking goal.  I don’t have a timeframe for actually adding in the next healthy habit/routine.  It will most likely be next week.  i want to have at least one of my habits a routine before adding a new habit.  I will be almost two weeks into tracking at that point…so I think I should be ready.  Water…well I’m still struggling with that!  But hey, I’m getting better, just a long way from being in a routine /habit with it!

HOw in the world?

 How in the world is it really the end of November?  This last month has flown by!  And seriously, is it really the Christmas season already?  I'm NOT READY!  

I have been busy.  It feels as if I am on the go all the time.  The only time I have to sit is when I'm at work (I work a desk job).  Every night after work we are out running and doing something or the other.  Consequently, I am always feeling as if I am failing at everything,  because I feel so rushed.

Let me just get it out there and over with.  November saw no weight loss on my part!  I am disgusted with myself and KNOW that I have to make changes in my lifestyle.  The good thing,, I'm not gaining.  I am maintaining.  So while I WANT to be thinner, I am counting a maintain as a huge victory.

In my last post I wrote about I had this depression (or whatever you want to call it) culminate in a panic attack.  LUCKILY, that bad one was the only one.  I have managed to walk away, divert my thoughts and attention and have managed to keep the anxiety at a more manageable level. (Meaning I haven't had any more instances when I can't breathe and am sure I'm going to die).  Jason sticks pretty close to me and keeps an eye on me pretty much all the time.

Yes, Jason is able to keep an eye on me pretty much all the time because he is still off of work.   We have passed the first complete month since his accident with the axe. He is now able to walk on the foot.  And we are working to be able to put his foot in a shoe.  The wound was still open and draining at his last visit (which was right before the month mark) but he did get the stitches out.   So per doctors orders, he is still restricted until that wound is totally healed and until he can manage to put his foot in a shoe. (and walk and move it normally). Until then, he will not be cleared for work.  

I somehow managed to complete my porch scene in miniature.  The kit was ordered back before we bought our house and I have managed to carve out some times here and there (can we say 3-4 in the morning when I can't sleep) to work on this scene.  My scene is "Appalachian Wash Day" and I am quite happy with it.  It was created for a dollhouse creating competition.  I was seriously thinking I was going to be working up until the last minute (Submission Deadline is December 9th) but I managed to complete it and I got my pictures taken and my submission was entered just this week.  It was a good project for me as my mind tends to focus on my current projects (and ideas for projects) so that took me away from the anxiety at times.  

Christmas is right around the corner.  This year will be a small Christmas for Jason and I as he is out of work and that means we are a single paycheck family for a bit.   We have decided that we will do a nicer gift giving next year...maybe a small Christmas in July.  BUT, we did put up the stockings and the tree! (and I will make sure that there is something in Jason's stocking on Christmas, especially knowing that I hung the stockings and I saw him feeling the toe of his stocking within an hour to see if there was anything in it!)  Yes, the animals have to share their stocking!  

December is my birth month.  I can't believe that I will be 50 years old this year!  My word!   And that age is just one more reason to finally get my butt in gear and get healthy!  I'm not waiting until the new year.  I'm planning on getting a jump start on the new year and I'm starting now.  (even though my brain is screaming to 'have dessert tonight and start tomorrow....and better yet, enjoy December and start in the new year!).  

I Never Wanted to see that Again

​I’m struggling…and I’m struggling big time.  Yeah, with my weight, but while I am trying it’s not my focus right now.  My focus right now is putting one foot in front of the other and making it through each day.

Back in early August I started to feel ‘off’.  I found myself crying…a lot.  I felt overwhelmed with everything.  I was struggling.   It was really bad for a few weeks.  I remember mowing one day and just crying…. and there wasn’t any one reason to cry.  Nothing was that horrible. I tried to convince myself that I was just tired….as I get quite weepy when I’m tired.

I have had a few times in life where I have had bouts with being depressed.  Once in college, once while teaching and periodically during the demise of my first marriage.  It was all situational and each time I knew that if I removed myself from the situation that I would be fine.   So I knew what I was feeling.  I was also concerned because there was no real situation to remove myself from. My marriage is good.  We have a property that we are enjoying bringing back to life.  Sure, I was worried about mom…and in august I was worried about my job security.  But not enough to sink into that awe full feeling of depression.   Yet there I was anyway. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, a bout of depression had made its way back into my life.

The months passed and I continued to struggle.  Holding it together, barely.   And then this week it got bad again.  It got bad enough that I had an attack such that I had when I was teaching.  Where my throat closes up…and I literally can’t breath.   This sent me to the hospital a few times way back when because, well it’s not a good feeling to not be able to get a breath of air.   Jason was there this morning when it happened  and he was terrified. He told me later that he was on the verge of calling 911.  I recognized it for what it was and worked hard to get myself calm…because even though it was 22 years ago since the last time, I well remember how they feel and how I got through them.    In the midst of trying to calm myself I heard Keewee, the bird starting to get stressed out in reaction to me.  (I asked Jason about that later and he was like, “ oh yeah, as soon as you started to struggle to breathe that bird got freaked out’). 

This bout of depression and whatever kind of attack you want to call my breathing issue,  is bothersome.  Life is good.  Yeah, I have a gimp husband at the moment due to his run in with an axe.  Sure finances will be tighter without his income while her recoups. (Which is why we bought a house that while in good shape that  needed some TLC, as it kept our price down…and thus as close as possible to being able to live on one paycheck.) But that’s normal life stuff.   

I have been battling a rash off and on since mid august.  It was bad for about 3-4 weeks…and then I had a week of bliss with no rash…and it came back with a vengeance.  Another month of misery (medication from urgent care did nothing).  I had about a week of bliss and voila…it’s back.  Luckily not as bad, and no where near as widespread as it was the other two rounds.  But just enough to be bothersome. 

Jason’s food is doing well.   The wound itself   Is healing, but slowly.  The doctor has left in the stitches as the wound is actually still bleeding and seeping.  (He only had the bare minimum of stitches to hold the wound together as they said they wanted it to heal from the inside out…and to allow it to drain to try to prevent infection.  So his stitches will remain for almost a month (if they take them out at the next appointment.). We still are on the conservative path in which we are giving his body a chance to heal before we rush into surgery.  So far so good.  When the doctor called us about the test results he was on the fence about surgery or not.  At our appointment this week he was happy with the progress of Jason’s issues /wounds and flat out recommended the conservative approach.  So that’s a good sign.  We shall see what happens with the next appointment which is in a few weeks.  

Jason’s dad has been fantastic.  We started working on that shed on our vacation and had been sneaking a few hours of work in on it on the weekends (literally we were doing about 3-4 hours each weekend…so it was going slow).  Since Jason’s injury, his parents have been coming over every few days and putting in a few hours on the shed to help us get it under cover and closed in before winter.  It also gets Jason out of the house as his parents pick him up on their vehicle and drive him to the shed…and he hangs out on a chair with his foot propped while they work.   (I struggle to keep him off his foot…but Mamma  Staggs keeps an eye on him when he is down there….although I’m not sure she has better results either!).  

My weight.  ~sigh~.   I’m trying.  I really am. I’m failing…yes I am.  And of course, the failure at losing weight adds to my emotions.   Jason’s words today were ‘put the weight on the back burner for now until you are feeling better.’  But that is giving up….and as I said in my last post, I may not have control of a lot but I do have control over what I eat.   So I will keep pushing forward and at least trying…even if I occasionally struggle and give in to the stress eating, the comfort eating, the whatever eating.    My only consolation is that my weight has stayed within a 3-5 pound range.  So I’m not gaining!   But I’ll admit to being stressed every time I step on the scale, worried about what I will see.

So I’m here.  I’m hanging on by a thread, but I’m here. 

A Year for the Record Books

​I’m telling you, this year is the year that is just not letting up!  It’s been one thing after the other!  Some good others bad!  It’s been nuts!

The first part of the year was swallowed up whole as we hunted for and bought a house. 

We settled on our house and then commenced the never ending move that stretched almost two complete months. We finished the move, drove back to the apartment (an hour and fifteen minutes away from our house) grabbed the last and turned in our key…and smiled because life would slow down then!  And quite literally my mom had a stroke the next day.    The madness of life continued as I tried to continue taking care of the house, the yard, put in my  time at work and make trips to see mom.  (I’m about 35 minutes away so any visit starts with an hour of travel time.  

Summer flew by like crazy as I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off.   I literally fell into the habit of cleaning the house at 6am…why?  Because that is when I could carve out a few minutes to do it.  I can clean the toilets and the bathroom sinks on my 15 minute breaks from work….which is what I do. I prep foods for dinner during my lunch break so that I can clear up an evening to go see mom after work.   I literally run around trying to make the most of every minute.  (Jason works a 9-1 hour day and has a 1 hour commute each way…..so his time is just as limited.).  I kept my head above the water…even though it felt like it was just barely.  

My weight maintained but only because I remained so busy.

I started Weight Watchers at the beginning of September and and had some success as I lost almost 10 pounds in that first month.  I was tickled too because I was super stressed due to some fear about the longevity of my job.  The end of August and most of September also marked a nice vicious case of poison.  All over my arms, legs and torso.  I pushed through with over the counter medication, but did not have a fun 3-4 weeks.  Things started to turn at the end of September.  The poison cleared up for the last week of the month.  Even better, at the very end of September I found out that my job was secure.  The timing for both of those things was perfect as  we had the first week off for vacation and to celebrate our anniversary. 

Our vacation was a staycation.  We decided to do a few little things local but to stay at home and work on the shed.   The shed on our property needed some love.  The leanto portion on the back was ready to cave in.  So we spent the week clearing the brush around the shed,  tearing that down (the leanto is 20x10), burning everything in the fire pit (one piece at a time) and starting the rebuild process.   I actually managed to maintain my weight over our vacation week. That is all thanks to being so active because I was ravenous the whole time!   

 On the third day of our vacation, I woke up and felt some itchiness…yes, I had managed to attract poison AGAIN.  (This was actually before we cleared the brush…so go figure).   The poison kept getting worse.  So bad that I ended up in the Urgent Care on the first day back to work after vacation.  They gave me steroids and sent me on my way.   

Steroids…well you know what that did to my weight!   Seeing it pop up did something to my mental capacity and will power and I began to struggle with tracking my food.    Oh, and the worst part of it?  The steroids did NOTHING for the poison and rashes!  Oh my word, the poison was so horrible!  What I thought was a bad case in September was nothing compared to this!  My complete torso was covered…my legs..arms, neck and even patches on my face.  My torso and thighs were the worst and I maintained this fire engine red color for weeks.  It wasn’t just itchy…it was painful.  Horrible!   Finally about the third to fourth week of October the bright red and terrible pain and itch had passed leavening me with dry scales skin.   I am still dealing with that and with bouts of itchiness.   What a month!

At the end of October they started to talk about sending mom home from Rehab.  She is super excited.  My brother and I not as much.  She is NOT ready to live on her own and we know it.  Ratchet up the stress another notch.

And then on October 27th, I went to visit mom after work.  I drove home and got home after dark.   I pulled in and saw Jason at the chopping block splitting down some firewood.  All was completely normal as I got out of the car.  I turned to head into the house and Jason had already gone inside.  I walked into the kitchen and noticed Jason bent over, but I was rushing to get dinner on the stove and in the oven since it was so late.  I greeted Jason and his words weee ‘I just cut myself’.  I asked if it was bad, still not shifting my focus from the stove and my dinner plans.    ‘Yes, really bad, I need to go to an urgent care’. I turned, shocked because he avoids doctors at all costs! That is when actually took stock of my kitchen…aka the crime scene.  Yeah, the axe slipped…went through his shoe…through his sock and right into his foot.  I grabbed a clean towel for him (he was using his sock to try to staunch the blood) and we headed out to urgent care.   Just as a side note…if you arrive with a foot wrapped in a blood soaked towel, they hustle you right back to a room.  The doctor wakes in soon thereafter and took one look at his foot and said ‘yeah, you most likely severed a tendon’ and sent us to the ER.  (They wrapped the foot …so that he was not leaking blood everywhere…which was nice of them, but slowed down our care in the ER as he was at that point not a bleeding priority).   X-rays and a phone consult with a podiatrist as they were also not sure of the status of his tendons.  We got home super late and I scrubbed the kitchen floor at 2AM and then went to bed.  I was up at 4:30 and out the door early for some other things concerning mom’s discharge…but made it back home in time to take Jason to his appointment with the specialist.  The specialist ordered an MRI because the tendon damage possibility could still not be determined.  Well on Monday we had the MRI and got the results.  He severed one tendon and nicked a second tendon.  Surgery or no surgery.  It’s possible they will heal on their own.  But possible that he needs surgery.  It’s up in the air and I believe we are going to try the least invasive, no surgery option.   At the worst, he will need surgery eventually.  At the best…it heals on its own.    So he is supposed to be no. Weight bearing for the next couple weeks…then a restrictive boot for a few more weeks.     Yes, I’m stressed to the max!

Ohhh and he can’t work…his employer is a small business with only a handful of employees…there is no short term disability.  We are now (and for the unforseeable future) a one paycheck family.    I’m trying to remain calm.  But it’s difficult.

So life is crazy.  So very crazy.  My eating has been steady…but not great.    My emotions are in an uproar as I feel like I am failing at everything I do.  Trying to do it all and falling short at everything.   Last night I sat on the couch trying to occupy my mind and I had a thought.  It was a thought that I had held onto tightly during the end of my marriage.   And that thought and mantra was ‘I can not control much of what is happening in my life and surroundings.  But I CAN control what food I put into my mouth’.  (For the most part…at 1AM leaving the ER having not eating in 14 hours…there wasn’t many options for where to pick up dinner…but I still had control over what I ordered.).    

  So if my food is the only thing I can control….control it!!!    This, this morning I pulled out my WW app and I have entered my food into the tracker.  I’m going to revel in the control I can have!!!

Revealing a Wee little Secret

​When I wrote my last post, I talked about my colossal failure at the diet bet.  I talked a bit about the desire to lose weight but the struggle.  I didn’t talk about the good in my life. I also didn’t reveal a wee little secret.  Sufficient time as passed and it’s time to reveal.

So what has been happening in life?  Life has been flying at an insane pace for us for months on end. Searching for a house, buying a house, moving and settling in, mom’s stroke, mowing….mowing some more…and then mowing some more.  (Yes we are still push mowing….I still haven’t heard anything about my job and this we haven’t purchased a riding mower yet.   The end date for my team was supposed to be September 26th, but they pushed the date until October 14th.  So more waiting as they decide if they are going to move me to another team or lay me off. All my coworkers and even my manager have told me that my job should be safe due to my work ethics, productivity, etc…but still…that’s all speculation.) 

In late August I put my foot down and decided that we needed to start eking out a bit of time for us.  A bit of exploration.  A bit of entertainment.  A bit of something fun.   So in August, on Jason’s birthday weekend we took a day and went northwest to Old Bedford Village.  This is a living history village. History is always a win!

A week or two later we visited the Conococheague Insitute.  This is hands on, living history museum. Another history win!  And seriously, how many of us can say that they have literally stomped grapes?   I can..now!

We have also been getting out more and doing some geocaching.  That takes us to parks, historical locations and all around.  

Getting out and doing something fun and relaxing has really helped that ‘depression’ that I have been dealing with.

So I’m my last post I talked about how I had a colossal failure.  I was referring to my failed attempt to do a diet bet.  I had been talking to some coworkers and the need/desire to lose weight came up in the conversation.  One coworker talked about a diet bet and I jumped on the bandwagon.  Another coworker and I talked about the requirement of our insurance to either go through weight loss coaching or join weight watchers in order to get a lower price for health insurance due to our ‘undesirable weight’. I had mentioned to her that weight watchers had worked for me in the past and I may try it again.  In reality, weight watchers had worked really well the first time I tried it, with me reaching my goals and lifetime status.   I also had joined weight watchers right before covid shut the world down and I had been lstarting to see some success.  But when things went belly up I stopped the weight watchers.  I told this all to my coworker and then nothing else was said about it.  That is, nothing was said until the last day of August when she thanked me for that conversation.   She had been inspired to join weight watchers after that conversation 6 weeks earlier and she had lost 17 pounds already.  I was so happy for her.  Yet saddened for myself.  She had acted upon the conversation.  I had not (or rather I went with some untried method instead of going toward what had previously worked for me).   She had lost 17 pounds and I was sitting at the exact same weight.  (And our starting weights were almost exactly the same).  I was sad and frustrated with myself. But I didn’t dwell.  I joined weight watchers on my very next break from work.    I started immediately even though the weekend was dawning and weekends are difficult for me.  I started immediately even though I knew it would be extra difficult due to the upcoming long Labor Day weekend.  I started on the first of September.  I decided to do it secretly and tell no one (other than that one coworker). Thus, in my last post on here;  I just talked about my failure with the diet bet and not the new hope of weight watchers.  I needed to start it privately.   I have been so vocal about my weight loss efforts and failures on here…and in my YouTube channel (even though I haven’t posted there recently).  But I knew in my heart that I needed a private start before announcing it to the world.   I needed to do it without the pressure of anyone that reads this knowing.   Seriously, I told no one other than my coworker!  I didn’t even tell my husband.  I just quietly joined and started tracking and exercising.  I told him last weekend and I was also able to tell him that I was 5 pounds down.   And now it’s time to tell you.    So here it is… ‘I joined weight watchers and in the first two weeks I have lost 7.8 pounds’!!!

So how is that for a secret???? 

)

Colossal Failure

I have seriously contemplated writing on more than on occasion.  Honestly, I think about it quite often, but then I stop because what am I going to say? My last post was so positive and ended up being a colossal failure.   I'm nowhere closer to being at my goal weight.  I'm just floundering.

So, let me start with the colossal failure.  In my last post I wrote about a diet bet.  I started so strong.  That week one I was on fire. I was making good choices with my food.  I was tracking every bite.  I was doing zumba and riding the exercise bike.  I actually lost weight that first week.  And then I fell apart.  I totally just lost every ounce of motivation and drive...and the rest of the month I floundered.  Luckily, I remain in the same 3-5 pound range (right where I started) but that is not where I want to be.  I feel yucky.  I look like a stay puff marshmallow and I am not happy where I am at.   I want to be thin.  I want it bad.   But the month long dietbet ended and I didn't even send in my final weigh in.  Ohh I thought about moving the scale on the floor to a more sloped location to finagle a weigh in that would earn me back my money....but that is cheating.  There is no honor in that, so I just didn't weigh in at all.  Colossal Failure!

But apparently, I haven't wanted it bad enough to do the work to attain it.    Why???  

I have wondered recently if I don't find myself worth the effort.  I mean, I have had some negativity in my life that I struggle with.....and I am trying to work through that issue.   I also have the baggage from my previous marriage.  I totally happy and content where I am, but I KNOW that I still carry some baggage from my years with my ex.  I spent too much time during those years trying to make him love me and I was never good enough.......lessons that I learned that went deep into my psyche.    I know that me even saying it silly.  I am totally worth every second of energy that it takes to make myself a healthy me....but sometime still holds me back.   

My mom continues to progress slowly in her rehabilitation after her stroke.  It is a slow process and one that requires quite a bit of encouragement for her as she wants it NOW.   I have remind her that it is a process....and one that takes time.  She frequently cries and laments and apologizes for where she is and that she even had the stroke.  I come back with saying that I accept her apology ...but there is no need.  The past is the past and we can't change it and honestly we don't exactly what caused her stroke....so was it a freak of nature or something that she caused....who knows, so there is no need to apologize.  BUT the future is what is in her hands.  I tell her to "work your tail end off to make sure that you don't need to apologize for what is going to happen in the future....for the stuff that she CAN control"

Good advice???

I think so.  But wow if that advice doesn't come barreling back to hit me smack in the forehead.  You see, I want to lose weight and I want it gone NOW.  I get frustrated at the slow progress.    I show no grace and mercy to myself for my past mistakes.  And the biggest thing that hits me?   I AM IN CONTROL OF WHAT THE FUTURE LOOKS LIKE.   The past is the past.....I can't change that I regained weight.  It is done....over.  I can face the truth.  I can apologize to myself and anyone else that it affects.  But that is in the past.  I need to focus on the future... hold the keys.  

Positive Thoughts

​This is my post for positive thoughts.  And thankfully not so much because I am having to force myself to think positively, but because I am finally able to post something positive in relation to my weight loss journey! Go me!

Last weekend I actually joined a DietBet.  I had talked about it for a few weeks and I am proud to say that I didn’t just talk.  I ante upped the money and did it!  I was not happy with the number that I am starting with.  (Seriously, July was bad!)  I joined a one month DietBet. $35 for the month and I am required to lose 4% of my body weight in order to ‘win’ and get my money back (along with my share of the pot…should there be people that don’t lose).    

Joining a dietbet was just what I needed to give me the spark and motivation.  $35 is small change.  I won’t be destitute or anything should I not get my money back.  But let’s face it, I am a cheapskate and I don’t want to lose my money!     So I am motivated to recoup my money!   Yeah sure, I would love to make some money and take some of the money in the pot (from the people that lose their money) but seriously, the motivation is coming from the desire to not lose my money!  

So what has this motivation sparked me to do?  

* I have tracked every bite of food that I have eaten 

* I have kept my calories totally in check!  Even when I indulged on the weekend, my calories were in line and at a very nice level!  A level that is conducive to weight loss!

* I have calculated my mileage for my 2022 mile challenge.  I found I am 200 miles behind schedule. I read of lamenting that fact and giving up, I started riding my exercise bike and knocking odd miles.  It won’t be quick to make up those miles AND carry out my needed daily miles so that I don’t fall further behind.  And I know that I won’t be completing my mile challenge in September like I did in 2021, but I have started to chip away at the deficit while completing my daily miles and I am determined to finish my miles by the end of the year!

* I have also recommenced with doing Zumba!  I loved my live Zumba classes when I was taking them, bit I haven’t been able to attend a live class in years.  When my schedule cleared up which would have allowed me to attend, covid hit and classes were not as plentiful.  I have recently looked for classes near where I live and there are not all that many live in person classes.   There are lots of virtual classes.  But A month or so ago (on a false start) I tried a few Zumba workouts on YouTube and found an instructor that I liked.  So when I kicked back into my weight loss/healthy living routine, I Turned on those workouts and I have been doing Zumba most mornings before work.

* I have been making a conscious effort to drink more water! 

So as you can see, I am not doing anything earth shattering unique or crazy.  I am just making healthy choices.  I am being more cognizant of my actions. And it’s working!  I lost a few pounds the first week and I’m heading into week two strong and ready to lose weight this weekend also!!!