Dream It - Do It

I have been having some quite deep thoughts lately.  I have been thinking about where I am in life and where I want to be.  It's only natural after the year that I've had with it's up and many downs.  There have been moments where those thoughts turn darker, and I wonder why me?    I try to be a good person and do what is right and yet life seems to hand me lots of lemons.  I see other people out there on social media and other places waltzing through life and it seems as if everything goes their way. 

I know, I know, Social media is not always a true representation of everything.  Most people are not exactly forthcoming with the truth and only post the good.  And furthermore, the truth is usually only a half truth.   But it's so very difficult to see someone write about taking up painting one week and talking about their first ever painting.  The very next week I was seeing them post about how they decided to sell their paintings and they are selling like hotcakes.  Really?  That's not how my life goes for me!   I see people talking about writing their first book.  Setting up their own business.  Paying off their house early due to their side hustle.  Your name it it's out there and other people are doing it.  But yet I sit here stagnant.  I'm not making money on a side hustle.  I'm not learning to paint one day and selling it the next.  Well then again, maybe I should attempt to learn painting.  Maybe....  Ok, maybe not.  But it does make me question why things seemingly fall into place for so many while I am left floundering. 

Even as I pondered these other people and their successful ventures and lives, I realized what was different.   They had the ability to dream!    As my thoughts about dreams poured through me I experienced the familiar pangs of self-pity.  I started to think about my life and what I typically do.   When I was younger, I had big dreams.  I wanted to teach school and have a family and change the world.  I grabbed the bull by the horns, and I followed my dream to teach school.  I have written about my experience with teaching.  It left me a royal mess emotionally.  You can read about it here if you are interested.   Teaching turned out to be a failed dream.  Motherhood was also an elusive dream.  My ex-husband knew about that desire and trampled all over it.  I guess it's no small wonder that my marriage to him failed.  (I'm 50 years old now.....too old to try for a baby!  hahaha)     My two biggest and all-encompassing dreams died and withered on the vine. 

For years I was afraid to let myself dream.  I honestly had no dreams of major goals in life.  You see, if I had them, I would just be opening myself up to pain and heartache.  That is what had historically happened, so why would anything else be different.  And the while the fear of failure was and is still looming within me, I can recognize that I need to face the fear of failure and allow myself to dream.  I need to allow myself to set goals.  I need to allow myself to try!   You see, I need to not only dream it.  I need to Do it!

I have tons of projects in my life that I need to finish.  I need to put myself forward and say "I am doing it and I'm going to follow through and do it to completion."  I have had fantastic ideas!  But I've always tamped them down out of fear.   (I still love that idea to create a company to have educators dress up in historical clothing and teach lessons to elementary kids.  Learning from an actual reenactor is so much better than learning from a book!)  Occasionally, something will slip by me, and I'll do something and put myself out there.  But I never push hard to make it a true success!  

I started  youtube channel.  Much like I this blog, the youtube channel is an accountability tool for my weight loss journey.  I have reached about 800 subscribers.  People that joined at the same time as me have 4-5 thousand subscribers.  (You can reach monitization at 1000 subscribers).   I'm not saying that those people are making a ton of money, but it would be nice to make something for my little side hobby.   (I'll keep doing that and this blog because it is good for ME regardless of money).  

I wrote a book.   I have it published on Amazon.com.   I am quite proud of the fact that I did that.  I put myself out there on a very small scale.  I sold a few copies here and there.  But I never pushed it or promoted it.  So, it really was just a dream that I started but I never really DID!  But what about all those things that I have thought about and never done.  Those things that are a glimmer of a dream, but I've been too afraid to finish. 

20 years ago, I wrote a children's book.  I did it as a joke but an elementary school teacher that I knew read it and begged me to publish it.  Yet the book sits in a folder in my file cabinet gathering dust.   When I was at the pinnacle of my first weight loss attempt and basking in the glory of my weight loss transformation, I started to write a book on losing weight.  Not the particulars about how to lose weight, but more on how to get your mindset right.  I've picked it up and written a bit more here and there.  I just recently glanced at my outline, and I am SO close to being done.  A few times over the last few years I have thought about finishing it.  But it continues to sit in its three-ring binder.   I also started a book that I refer to as my 'diet-ventures'.   It's all those funny and crazy things that have happened to me during this mission to lose weight and be healthy.  Yet, the idea and the writings that I have sit in a file on my computer.    What is wrong with me?   

I'm afraid to Dream It and I'm afraid to DO it!   

Last year though, something changed for me.   I saw something about a miniature competition.  I love my miniatures, and something prompted me to enter the competition.  I worked on and off all year long.  (Mostly off until fall when I realized that I was nearing the deadline).  I actually followed through.  I had a dream that I was going to do something worthy of submission and I followed through and did it.  I didn't back off. I submitted my entry!  I did it!   I am still waiting to see if I won...or even got any honorable mentions.  But that's ok.  I had a blast doing it.  I followed through.  I dreamed it. and I did it!  

It is time to not only dream, but it is also time to actually do!   What does this mean for me?  Well, I'll be continuing to write here.  I like writing here.  This is my accountability and my place to write out my feelings and thoughts.  It's cathartic for me.    But what else does it mean?

1.  The Children's book - It means finding an illustrator.  Or maybe actually trying to illustrate it myself?  (ha).    

2.  The Weight Loss book - Finish those areas that need written (it is probably 90% complete in its writing) and start to reread and fine tune and get it proofread.  Ultimately, get it published.

3.  The Diet-Ventures - Finish writing the ventures.  I am probably 1/2 way through writing it.  Edit/proofread and of course published.

4.  NOT drop the ball on promotion for these books when they do get to the publishing stage. And yes, most likely they will be self-published again which means I have to do more marketing myself. 

5.  That miniature contest that I entered for 2022, well I already have the base and made the commitment to submit an entry in 2023!

6.  Commit to building my YouTube channel.  Give it a serious go to see if I CAN build it and if could be something more than an outlet for my personal accountability.  Man, does that mean have to get brave and post it on my Facebook page and let the world see it also?  I have historically kept not only my YouTube channel private and separate from my friends and family (of course Jason knows....and some other members of my family also know, but as a general rule, not many people in my real life know! Likewise, I didn't make it public knowledge about my book that I published.  Fear of letting others see me fail!)

I think that's enough for now.  In fact, that's not too bad for a gal that has been afraid to dream for ages!  Or maybe I should say been afraid to dream and fail!  

Fix it

Well another week has passed in this year.....so how did I do on week two....

Not so good!

     

Tracking...check
       I tracked my food everyday.  NO matter if it was good or bad.   

Stay within food budget....FAIL
       Surprisingly, on my 'free day' I remained within my calorie budget.  I fell apart on other days.  Go
       figure.
Exercise.......check
       I squeaked this one out....but managed to make it happen.
Water.....fail
      I don't quite know what happened on this one, other than I just didn't tip the glass up enough times.


This is a good reminder to me.   Fix the problems!  

I think I may like this weekly update...because it has made me really look back at my week and honestly face what I did and where I slipped up.    Slipping up is not a failure (even though I put the word fail beside my weekly goals I did not reach).  The failure is not recognizing it and allowing it to continue.  Failure is ignoring the issues letting one bad week turn into 2 bad weeks.   You see, we all know what happens with two bad weeks........it turns into 2 bad months!   Failure is NOT making a mistake.....failure is not seeing it and correcting it.

So some self tough love for myself, "MaryFran.....Fix it!"

Meanwhile, I'm working on a few things in my life that I've always wanted to work on.  Things that have been in the back of my mind as something I would 'love' to do and say I have done.  It's better to attempt something and say "it didn't happen' versus be old and say "I wish I would have tried that."    So stay tuned for updates on those projects!   This is my year to find me again.   How will "I" look at the end of the year physically and mentally is the question!!!!   

Excuses

Thursday was a busy day for me.....Ran/jogged in the morning, worked for an hour in the garden and then walked after work for an hour!  I rocked out the chocolate gear.  Wilbur's Chocolate factory hat and a Reeses' cup shirt for my run...and I wore my Hershey Kiss hat for my evening walk!

 

I love to write. I have recently started a project. This new project is to basically write 'lessons learned' about my weight loss. I've got a few pieces written. Some is very introspective, others are more general. Today I was out jogging and I had some thoughts come to me. I went to work and I wrote.......this is the first draft, simply my first thoughts of what came out of my mind today.


                                                               EXCUSES

I wasn’t paying attention to the TV that Sunday morning. I was working around the house while my husband watched the morning news. I don’t know what caught my attention but something did. Was it the word triathlon? I don’t know. I had long been interested in completing a triathlon as it seemed like the ‘ultimate’ sport…three things rolled into one. Was it the promise of getting my life in line health wise that caught my attention? I don’t know. Whatever it was, the news report caught my attention. I watched as they ran clips of the lucky chosen viewers from the previous year as they completed a transformation in their lives which culminated in them participating in a triathlon. I sat on the edge of my seat watching with interest. The report ended with the call for video applications. Yes, they were looking for a new group of people to work with to train for a triathlon that would take place in about 9 months. They would provide the tools and the training; I would simply need to provide the grit to complete the training and ultimately the triathlon. I sat there quietly. I didn’t say anything to anyone. The television continued to play, but my mind was stuck on the concept of becoming one of the tri-athletes for CNN. Over the next few days and weeks I spent a lot of time in thought about this possibility. I scoured the Internet for the I reports from the previous group of participants. My desire to apply and to actually do it increased each day. I finally broached the subject with a few people. I got the green light from everyone that I talked to. I made my video and submitted my name as a hopeful and then I waited. I wanted this. I wanted it so badly. I wanted to complete an item off of my bucket list but even more I wanted so badly to get my life in line. By the new year I knew that I didn’t make the cut. I was not chosen. I was disappointed. I felt hopeless. I didn’t feel as if I had any valid options to me on my own. I gave up. I felt like I had absolutely no chance to make the changes necessary…not with out the assistance that I would have gotten from CNN. I wasn’t despondent, life went on, but I threw my hands up in the air and consequentially gained more weight. A year went by. They called for a new round of applicants. I briefly contemplated applying once again. I didn’t do it though. I was still mired in my helpless pity party. Then one day I woke up, figuratively speaking. I knew that I wanted to be healthy and it didn’t matter what it would take.  I was ready to pay any price. I started moving more. And then I started to run. It was slow going. I had to research information on my own. I didn’t have a coach standing at my side advising me. I did it on my own.. I started thinking about getting a road bike. I started saving my extra pennies so that I could buy an entry level road bike, and in the meantime have decided to be happy with my current bike. (and just stay off the roads) I didn’t start doing these with the goal of running a triathlon. I ran because I wanted to be healthy.

Excuses. I have always been full of excuses. I wasted one year of my exercise life by making excuses about why I couldn’t get out and train myself to participate in at least aspects of a triathlon. There was always an excuse. If it was the fact that I didn’t have the coaching I found another excuse. My knees are riddled with arthritis so they are a prime excuse. Housewife duties? They make great excuses also. Too cold? Too hot??? Rainy??? Snowing???    My gym (any gym really...living in the country is a pain sometimes) is about 20 minutes from my house... that is a huge excuse as to why I can’t work out. Give me more time and I can fill pages with the various excuses that I have used. Excuses were my best friend.

 Are there valid excuses? I’m sure. Are there workarounds for almost any excuse? Yes. But it is truly amazing how the excuses fall away when you desire something from that deep place within your heart.

I’ve made this commitment to be healthy. I’ve made a commitment to really give running a valid fair shot as a part of my life. I want this healthy lifestyle more than I want anything else. (Maybe I should be honest and say that I want to be thin more than I want anything else.) Because that desire is so intense I am willing to push myself to great lengths to succeed.

 I push my body out of its comfort zone on a continual basis. When you are pushing your body out of it’s comfort zone it is the perfect environment for change….good change. The problem? Being pushed out of it’s comfort zone means that most days I wake up and my body is stiff and sore. It’s different muscles at different times. It’s part of my life right now. I accept it as a necessary step to the rebirth of myself. Aching muscles are no longer a valid excuse.

 Cold weather? I completed the c25K program and never, not once did the temperatures raise above 35 degrees. There were days that I ran with temps in the single digits and teens. There were days that I ran with snow falling around me and yes, I have run in the rain. Heat? Well, that’s rolling into my neck of the woods and I am out there sweating it up. The weather will NOT stop me. I may adjust my run schedule a bit to accommodate the weather as much as possible…but if I am scheduled to run three times in the week I WILL run those three times. (Even if it means going to the gym and running on the much hated treadmill.)  Weather is not a valid excuse.

 Arthritis? Yes, I was diagnosed with arthritis when I was about 28 years old. Arthritis in my knees. I take the steps that I need to in order to make sure that my knees don’t hurt. But not all precautions are foolproof. Yes, my knees hurt. I know why they hurt. I know that I’m not injured. I also know that the more weight I remove from my body, the less pain I will feel. (and consequentially the knees are what may ultimately make me decide that running is not my cup ‘o tea). Right now they are just an invalid excuse as to why I should stop. (Ironically, my knees are feeling good on my runs…..it was the Thirty day shred that ripped them up…….and I DID stop the thirty day shred for time and knee issues)

 Excuses are no longer welcome in my world. Will I run in a triathlon? I don’t know what the future holds. I will say this…..if I decide to do it there will be NOTHING that holds me back! (And possibly could there be a duathlon in my future??? Hmmmm food for thought.)

 I was running on the battlefield thinking about my failed attempt to be selected for the CNN triathlon training group. The usual disappointments flickered in my brain. But then I looked at my progress that I had made on my own. Maybe a year later, but I’m finally making progress! I am dang proud of myself. Furthermore, I instantly knew without a doubt that had I been picked a year and a half ago that I would have failed miserably. I didn’t have the drive and determination to succeed. I would have hated every minute of the pain. I would have tried to back out when my knees started to ache. I would have NEVER had the fortitude to run in bitter cold, with high winds and falling snow. I wasn’t ready and thus they made the best decision.