Heaving + Running = fun times

I was on cloud nine when I got to work after my walk yesterday.  Seriously.  I was feeling on top of the world.   Yeah, I did have a bit of a blister on the bottom of my foot, but that was just an annoyance but otherwise all was good.  I had conquered and won a self imposed challenge!  And then the menu for lunch was dropped on my desk.  I had made waffles for breakfast at the house before my trek into town.  (waffles with berries and a strawberry syrup).  I didn't need much food. I had planned a light lunch because of that.  But the bank was paying...so I ordered 1/2 a turkey sub.  (a little higher in calories than I would have normally chosen after the waffles, but still OK)  My manager went ahead and got the whole sub for me (it was the same price..winter special).  I wasn't upset. She talked to me before hand and I had decided that I would just eat it for lunch tomorrow....no packing alunch  needed.  It would be in the fridge at work waiting for me.  All was right in my world.  I pulled up MPF and put my food in. Uhhh, I would only have 300 calories for dinner.  But I made my plans. 

I texted Todd and had him pull a steak out of the freezer for himself.  I planned to make mashed potatoes and veggies.  I would eat a small amount of potatoes and then load up on fruits and veggies.  I was A-OK with that.   But, best laid plans.......

Todd texted me back a little later and asked if I would mind if he made some kind of stir-fry with his steak.  Well of course I didn't mind.  I was still planning on making the potatoes and veggies....but then I thought about how easy it would be to simply eat the other half of that sub since he was making his own dinner.  I knew I didn't have the calories in my budget.....well, I would if I used my earned calories from my walk and only be 10 calories in the negative.  Soooo I planned to do that and just be OK with using all of my earned calories.......my new plan was in force....at least until after I had that 1/2 sub for dinner and I started thinking about how I wanted something sweet  last night.

Ohhh yes I did.  I had a 245 calorie dessert.  245 calories that I did NOT have the calories for.  This is definitely the FIRST time I have gone over on my calories  that badly since shortly after Christmas.  I ate a total of 1764 calories for the day. (I'm aiming for 1250 a day not including my earned calories)  Hmmmm  In the grand scheme of things still not bad.  (and honestly, still in the losing range of caloric restriction even with those extra calories utilized) But not where I want to be.

On a good note, I was only about 20 ounces of water into my day when they went to pick up lunch.  When I ordered I was very quick to say "And A diet pepsi please!!!"  That is probably only the second or third time I have drank a diet soda since I restarted.  I won't lie, it tasted heavenly!    BUT...the good note?  I finished up that diet pepsi and then I went back to water and I STILL completed my water consumption goal for the day!

I refuse to beat myself up over it.  I slipped.  I've tightened the belt and I'm marching onward!  Part of the Shazam plan is realizing that these kinds of days WILL occur. (Was it just the snow and the 'off day'?  Was it part of the munchies that go along with the monthly feminine  ick?   I don't know....and it doesn't matter) Realizing and accepting that these days happen takes the pressure off when it happens. The trick is just recognizing it and knowing that it can't happen all the time.   That pressure being gone makes me just rejuvenated and ready to rock it tomorrow!

This morning I woke up and laid in bed.  I really toyed with options.  I had excuses galore why I couldn't run.  Seriously..the roads might have patches of ice...after all we did have precipitation yesterday.  Todd wanted breakfast...and I do try to play the good wife role even when I'm frustrated at things in the marriage. (and he is working tonight and I do try to make at least one meal each day).  Excuses excuses excuses.  I finally settled on the fact that I would make him breakfast (and me too) and THEN go on my run.  Today was a 22 minute straight run.....that is why all the excuses were pouring through my head.  Fear fear fear.  (I am beginning to hate that word...even as I smash it to smithereens!).   

I made a somewhat nutritious breakfast...nicely well rounded.  For me I had an egg and cheese sandwich and hash browns. (Todd had more and cooked differently..but I don't like eggs, I have to disguise them if I want to eat them).  I cleaned up and slowly changed my clothes.  I decided to run down my road this morning...it saves the time driving to the battlefield (which is only a couple miles away...but still).  I started off.  The first half of my run was marked with a malfunction of my running app (the C25K app....my music shut off and I couldn't fix it).  Not a problem...I ran without music.  I used that time to pray.  The app is supposed to notify me at the half way mark (and when I'm on my road doing an out and back run I turn at that mark).  I ran...and ran...and ran ...and finally gave in and looked at my phone.  Dang it...I had missed the half way mark notice...but the good news...I was already 13 minutes into my 22 minutes.  I fiddled with the app and miraculously got the music going again.  Thank heavens.  The music started and something that I had been ignoring for a while started to rear it's ugly head.  You see...that food that I had for breakfast was sloshing around in my gut.  Yes....sloshing and it was not a good feeling.  At about 14 minutes in I was heaving.  It wasn't much...just nasty.  I spit and kept going...without really even breaking my stride.  I won't lie....part of me wanted to quit.  But I KNEW why I was feeling queasy and ill.  It was because I ate food very shortly before going out running.  I finished that 22 minutes and by golly I went an extra 30 seconds of running...just to prove it to myself that I could!   I wasn't letting anything keep me down.       And lets just say....LESSON LEARNED!  Breakfast AFTER run...never before! (although the string cheese before a run seems to work really well)

I will admit...today I am filled with self doubt about my weigh in that will be upcoming on Monday.  Freaked out for some reason.  (I prewrote the first half ...about my eating yesterday, last night...and was feeling good).  However, this morning I'm panicked.  Partly because of my extra 250 calories yesterday and partly because it's looking like I'm not going to get the level of exercise in this week that I have been getting.     Deep breath in....deep breath out.  This is life.......not a race.  Accept whatever happens and move on because regardless of what my mind is yelling....I AM doing what is right, good and healthy for my body! (on a side note...I read one of Jillian Michaels books a few years back and she actually recommended that you have a higher caloric day once a week to keep your metabolism 'guessing' and burning).

That said, my eating today is totally planned out!

No zumba!!!!!

When school is cancelled, there is no zumba.  I knew last night that the odds that there would be zumba was pretty slim.  But this mornign it was confirmed.  No zumba....so one hour less of exercise today than I had planned.  What was I going to do?   I got a hair brained idea in my head.  What idea was that?   Why I was going to walk to work, two and a half miles away. It had always been a little inkling of an idea in my head to walk to work...but I had never taken the initiative to do so. They were calling for scads of snow...well over a foot....so this was a good idea to try today.  (I knew I could hook a ride home with any number of people that have a four wheel drive....and I knew that if the snow really did accumulate my little low Honda wouldn't be good to get home)

I started out...I was running a bit late because I had to find my snow boots. Little did I know....

I started out and the road was slushy. Within a mile even that slush started to disappear! I was happy as a lark walking along. At about mile two I wished that I had just rushed the wet feet with my tennis shoes as the ball of my left foot was burning as if it were getting a blister. (I'm hoping not as that will make tomorrow's run annoying and painful...a 22 minute straight run). The wind whipped on the open field sections.

I made it! I'm tickled. This idea has been in my head for a while...I've always let fear keep me from it. Why...it was just a 45 minute walk? These fears are stupid! Lol

Sniff sniff...what is that?

Last night at zumba my legs were heavy heavy heavy.  I pushed through though.  I went home and watched The Biggest Loser.  It was the makeover week.  I always find that week intriguing because it's almost as if that is the first time that the contestants realize how much they have shrunk.  It's almost like that is the episode where they see their efforts for the first time.  After TBL, I went to bed.  The plan was to get in bed and read for a while...at least until Todd came home.  However, I crawled into bed and realized how tired I was....I never picked up the kindle.....I was asleep in mere minutes.  I was so sound asleep that I never even heard Todd come home late when he got off of work.  (he is still sleeping on the couch...has been ever since he got sick...he may have wanted to come back to bed last night but I'm sure I was sprawled across the whole bed and that kinda disallowed his return...ahh what a pity).

I woke up early and was  ready to start my day.  I laid in bed and texted someone about taking their pictures. (I'm so excited!...I love photography...and I'm itching for a chance to do some 'real' photography versus the quick snaps on my cell phone that I have been using on my blog of late.)    I finally got up, did a bit of laundry and dressed for a nice winter jog and I headed to the battlefield.  I started.  It wasn't a bad run.  I was tickled to see that my breathing was pretty well regulated the whole time.  Maybe the panicky breathing that marked the first few weeks of running is behind me.  :-)   Amazing that my breathing today was so easy.....my bucolic run was through fields that had just been spread with manure.  Fun stuff.....ahhhh fresh country air!

 

Freshly spread manure and my shadow

I was alone for most of my run. (an old man was out at one of the privately owned houses and I stopped and said high to him...I was actually already done with my run and was just cooling down).  The battlefield was empty.  When it's cold this is the case in the mornings!  I guess most people are sane and stay in where it's warm!  No fear...I had lots of guards to monitor my progress!

One of my many guards

Life is keeping me busy..don't know how but it feels like I'm on the go constantly.  Oh well, it's working for me.  I weighed myself today just for ME...my official weigh in is on Monday.  The scales were friendly today......it's looking like I may make my 20 pound mark for this year very soon..... Maybe I should start looking for my next charm (I've got an idea of what I'm going to get).   I'm utterly focused on my goals and nothing is going to derail me!

Desi the cat grudgingly accepts me...he is most definitely Todd's cat.  He doesn't usually come near me.  There are two exceptions!  One, he is a ham and LOVES to have his picture taken....he poses and lets me near him with my camera.  (Todd swears that the wound on his nose was inflicted by one of MY cats.  I cry foul and say that none of MY cats would do anything like that...surely it was a self inflicted wound!)

The other exception is ice cream.  Desi LOVES ice cream.  I had enough calories to enjoy some ice cream last night.  Desi sniffed at it and would have started licking it had I not scooped my bowl away!

Where is MaryFran????

I've been keeping track of my weight since Friday.  I weighed myself for the start of the new month.  I saw that it was going to be a tight loss month.  I wasn't surprised.  I had a huge loss last week.  I watched my weight everyday through the weekend......I held steady. I watched carefully because the monthly ick was actually due to start late last week...I waited and watched the scales (for anyone reading this that has no clue what I'm talking about I'm unlucky enough that the monthly ick is usually precipitated by a spike in my weight...water weight...but a spike none-the-less).  I drank my water like a fiend....trying to forestall that weight gain.  I just didn't want to see any weight gain.  The ick did start...and I didn't see a huge spike (YAY).  My final weigh in result for this week....I lost three tenths of a pound.

Part of me is super frustrated with my 3/10ths of a pound.  Seriously only three tenths of a pound?  By rights.....by the calorie counts...by my efforts, the loss should much higher!  It frustrates me to no end.  There is a small part of me that screams to stop.  But then I think about what I want out of my life.  There are places that I want to go...clothes that I want to wear.   A life that I want to lead.....and I want to lead it as a thin person.  I know that my inner happiness should allow me to lead a happy life as a fat girl.  My happiness is not contingent upon my weight.  Inner peace and happiness comes from within my soul and I know that.  Weight has nothing to do with that inner happiness.  But dammit...I WANT TO BE THIN!  And I WILL be!  I"m focusing on that desire and pushing through the disappointment that lurks within me at my eensy tiny weight loss (even though I did somewhat expect it).


 Soooo, we are being told by the weather forecasters that we need to batten down the hatches because there is a better than good chance that we will be getting hammered with snow mid week.  I've heard conflicting reports of how much snow we will be getting.....it's anywhere from one foot to two feet.  When you are with that much snow does it really make a difference between one foot or two?   haa haa haa     So the craziest thing occurred to me today.   As they predict the snow to hi, part of me has that hope that work will be closed at least one day.  That is the good part.  But then A panic sets into me and my heart stops!  You see, it messes up my exercise plans.  I am on a roll.   How will it mess up my exercise plans?   Well,  if it is snowing Tuesday night early enough, I will have to forgo Zumba on Tuesday night.  If it's snowing on Wednesday that evening of zumba will be canceled.  Getting to the gym...a half hour drive away will be impossible too!   Even worse?   If we get a foot or two of snow...how will I go out and jog on the roads on Thursday (which is my run day...and it's a 22 minute straight run)???    Yes, I'm worried about my exercise plans.  That said, I have come up with an alternate plan.  I do own an exercise bike and I figure I will hop on the exercise bike and ride an hour here an an hour there.  I also will be spending time shoveling the driveway...so that is good exercise also.  That plan calmed my racing heart and helped to push down the panic about zumba and not being able to make it to the gym at least.  However, the missed run is just really freaking me out!!!!!!  I don't want to get off track with my running!  I'm doing so good!  I need to do my runs!

  Yeah, who is this girl?  I have no clue where MaryFran went and who has replaced her...but it's kinda scary!  

Ready and Waiting

As I regained the weight, I would just shove clothes toward the back of the closet.  At one point I bought bit 33 gallon bins and emptied the closet of everything that I could not wear.  I shoved those bins into the corners and along the wall of my walk in closet.  I ignored them, but knew that my 'thin' clothes were in them.  I decided to pull those bins out...sort out the clothes and repack them in a way that I can more readily access the clothes that I will need as I lose the weight. I decided that I would also not put the bins back into the closet...I would cart them to the library and sit them on the futon.  Easy Access for me to dig out what I need as I lose! (and it's not like we use that futon anyway....it is a leftover from my husbands premarriage days and is slated to go to the dump this year).  I started unloading the closet...the bins must have multiplied.  I pulled out not one...not two...not three but seven bins shoved to the gills with clothes.   I was ready to sort.


What did I find?   I found that most of the tops were from my smaller size...as I had gained weight I had gone to leaving the shirts open and using it camisols or teeshirts under them to extend the wear. Furthermoer, I really never weeded out the smaller shirts in the mid sizes...so they are still in my drawers and in my closet.  (project for another day???)   I put all of those shirts/tops in boxes and carted them to the library.  All the pants and skirts I laid in stacks according to size.  I rebinned them small stuff going upward and stacked those crates in order of sizes so that the biggest sizes are on top.  I started a bin of 'too big' clothes...and left out some clothes that I can wear right now that I didn't realize. 

I AM READY!!!  BRING IT ON!!!!!

Never say never

This morning I woke up and did my typical morning routine.  I laid in bed and checked my mail.  Hey, I like my lazy morning wake-ups!   My inbox contained an email that immediately caught my interest.  It was from "Friend Extraordinaire"  (I'm naming her that because I've never really asked her permission to use her name and stories in my blog....)  I immediately wrote a long arse response to her (on my iphone too boot, which tells you how important it was to me, long responses are usually written on a computer).  The email exchange went like this.....(if you don't want to be bored with reading the email exchange, just skip the italicized words.......I won't cry too hard about you skipping my well thought out response....but promise you that it the big news is at the end!

To MaryFran 
......I'm bringing my running clothes but not hopeful..
I'm really not feeling ready for this run., My body doesn't seem to be getting used to the running. What is wrong with me. I'm pity partying tonight. I know I'm working hard, I want to see major results. Help!
                                             from friend extraordinaire

That email obviously demanded an immediate response.  So respond I did.....I poured my heart and feelings into the email....

To Friend Extraordinaire,

I hear you....I'm still struggling with this congestion...and the war is going on in my mind....run or not run. I know that a big part of my indecision is not the congestion/cold/sinus issues. A big part is fear because I know that today is a huge run...as you said, a rite of passage. I don't think our bodies are going to feel 'used to' running yet. We are continually pushing ourselves ...this program keeps us pressing forward.

My thought is this...when we first started we struggled with that 1.5 minute run. I remember that first time we ran together and we hit our first 3 minute run....we gasped and moaned and lamented about it ever being over....yet just a few short weeks we have accomplished 8 minute long runs. We have followed the program....and it hasn't let us down yet had it???! So lets have faith that it won't let us down today either!!

One more thought on our bodies getting used to running....we've only been at this five weeks....right now our bodies are simply trying to adjust to actually jogging....as the muscles and stamina builds we will gradually grow more comfortable.  

That all said, running may not be for you, me or us. I AM however going to see this c25k program to completion. I've started it three times before. Three times I quit. I quit when it got rough...when my body ached...when the weather got icky...etc. I need to finish it , get to that point that I really can run....just pop some headphones on and run without waiting for a walk/run cue and THEN decide about running as a hobby/form of exercise.

Pity parties allowed on occasion!!! Just don't let your pity party derail you. Major results ARE coming down our lane. We can't see them yet...but they will soon be knocking on our doorstep....we are doing everything right...there is no reason why major results will not come a knocking!!! Well there is ONE reason....and that's if we give up!

You've got this girl!! I'm attempting my run at roughly 8AM...ill let you know how it goes. I will be crossing my fingers and praying that you smash your run...and that no matter what happens on either of our runs, that we both accept that we are doing it (and that we did a hell of a lot more than we ever could have dreamed of back in January) and congratulate ourselves for our effort!!
                                              MaryFran

Yeah, I think that was an inspired email myself!  So I wrote the email, laid around for a few more minutes and then got out of bed.  And it hit me....I felt like I had been hit with a ton of bricks.  This sinus issue....really was probably now a full fledged cold.  The constant war in my head started....but then I realized that it was all excuses.  You can exercise with a cold.  I have in the past.  It's not a deal breaker.  What was the deal breaker was the fact that I wasn't sure I could do it. I mean holy heck, I was scheduled to run for 20 minutes straight! I battled with these thoughts RIGHT AFTER I wrote that email.  I felt two faced.  What a hypocrite!   Sooo, I threw on my exercise clothes....shoved a wad of tissues into the pocket of my outer layer and headed out.

~~ The warm up walk was fine....a little cold around my neck as today I didn't wear a hooded sweatshirt ...that hood really helps keep the draft out of your shirt!

Mid run

~ The little voice in my head (AKA known as the C25K app on my phone) told me to run and I started.  The first five minutes were hellish.  My thigh muscles were screaming in freakish agony as I propelled myself forward.
~  Round about 5 minutes I was in my groove and felt pretty good.  My legs stopped hurting and I was rockin' in (as much as I can in my ungraceful run...)

~I made a mistake and looked at the timer at 10 minutes and I was filled with utter self doubt.  Seriously?  I had to run for 10 more minutes!  I couldn't do that.  I'm sick as a dog, hacking up a lung (ok, it's actually still the sinus gunk that my cough is trying to get out of my body and not from my lungs), my nose is running like a sieve.....)and I'm out here in the cold weather RUNNING?   What am I thinking?   I wanted to walk.  I soooo wanted to walk.  But I didn't.  I kept going.
~ Round about minute 15, I started to believe that I was really going to do it.
~ Right around minute 18 1/2 I started to cry.  No, not in pain and misery.....but because I thought it wasn't possible.  I can't remember EVER in my life running for 20 minutes straight.  Seriously...ME?????  RUNNING????

I DID IT!  Not impressed yet???  I did it while I am sick!!!!   I set my mind to it and I did it.   Yes, I know not to push it too much while sick.  I'm not foolhardy!  They actually say exercise with a cold isn't a no no so I'm good!

update......I just got an update....my friend extraordinare has also completed her dreaded week 5 day three 20 minute run today!!!!!   GO SHERRY!!!!

Shashing through fear

Tuesday night I took off from exercise and stayed home.  I knew that I was coming down with some ailment and I wasn't sure what it was.  I didn't want to exacerbate any potential sickness by doing any heavy duty exercise only to come home so whipped, tired and more sick.  So I went home and took it easy.  I woke up on Wednesday and I could feel the sinus pressure in my head and the sinus drainage.  The drainage causes my throat to hurt and gives me a slight cough...but nothing major.  Overall, I felt pretty good.  No overwhelming tiredness, no achy feeling and most importantly no fever.  I pondered exercise all day long.  OK, I didn't ponder....a war was waged in my head. My fat mini me and my thin mini me were at war and the cacophony of noise in my head from this war was deafening.  On one shoulder, screaming into my ear was my fat mini me.  My fat mini me was yelling "You are sick, do not exercise...do not exercise...do not exercise!"  The thin mini me was yelling equally as loud.....but the message was very different. What was thin mini me saying?   Thin mini me was saying "Excuses....they are all excuses. Sinus drainage and pressure is NOT an illness, just an inconvenience.  They are excuses to keep you fat and far from your goal."    The battle raged in my head loud.  I listened.  I pondered. And then I made my choice.  Using sinus pressure (which I know from experience can last for weeks) IS an excuse.  So I tested the waters.  I went for my run.  I did the next installment in my c25k thing.  I felt pretty good after that so decided to roll with it.  I headed off to zumba.   It went well.   1.5 hours of pretty intense exercise completed for the day.

This morning the war started to wage again.....but this morning it wasn't the excuse of not feeling 100% (still sinus pressure).  Well, maybe a wee bit.  This morning it was fear.   That old fear reared it's ugly head.  You see, I had decided that I would go to the gym.  I decided that I would try an exercise class at the gym.  I am a chicken.  I do zumba...but I'm in my comfortable class...my zumba class is my comfort zone.  Going to a new class at the gym is totally out of my comfort zone.My confidence is racked with fear....fear about being the odd man out, the only one that doesn't know what I'm doing...etc etc etc.   Then to make matters worse, I could have to rush to the locker rooms and face that fear of the locker room showers again.  I faced it last week and I know it's not bad, but the fear wasn't totally gone.  Fear........it's debilitating.  I ALMOST stayed home and rode the exercise bike.  But then I said, "screw this" and with my stomach churning I set out.   I did 30 minutes on the elliptical trainer while I waited for my class to start and then I headed into a zumba sentao class.   It was very neat to see a different approach to the same class that I attend on Monday nights.  Anita is still top notch in my book. Anita approaches the chair as an instrument to fitness.  This gal approached the chair as if were a stripper pole.  I won't lie...it was fun.  She was hard to follow...and while she wore a speaker that was piped through the sound system, the music mostly drowned her out ....which is OK because she sang along with the music most of the time.  Zumba is not a class where they usually call out instructions, so i wasn't expecting it.  I will be trying one of her 'regular' zumba classes soon I'm sure and we shall see how that is.    Regardless......I did 90 minutes of exercise this morning.  I faced the fear of doing a class.....I faced the fear of the showers.....I faced the rush between the class and my scheduled time to start work.  I faced it...and I SMASHED my fears!  :-)

Fear only serves one purpose...and that is to keep us from achieving the greatness that we are capable of!

NO FEAR~~~~~SHAZAM!

Coexistence

I had a blog post all planned out for today.  Really....it was written and ready for final review this morning before hitting the publish button.  It was about negativity.  Not self negativity...but negativity in others as they listen to us talk about our journey.  You know the kind of person..."ohhh that will never work...."  and they continue to spout all kinds of negativity   The kind of person that then couches it in terms of encouragement by following it with 'but good luck' (insert sarcastic tone).  Negativity.....so destructive.  

But then something happened......ironically enough after my post yesterday when I was saying that 'life happens......roll with the punches and learn to LIVE in a healthy manner even as you embrace life.'   I felt on top of the world.  I went up to the lunch room at work and ate my lunch.  It was a satisfying and healthy lunch.  I went back downstairs and about an hour later I realized that I had left something up on the table.  I trotted back upstairs. I say trotted because I don't think I ran....but I didn't dilly dally as I went up the stairs.  As I was coming back downstairs I felt this incredible pain/pressure in my chest.  It surprised me. I had a bout of chest pains back in late 2010 into 2011 where I had chest pains.  It was  months of constant rounds of doctors and tests...they never did figure out what was wrong and occasionally the chest pains still flare up...but it's been a long while since I had one.  And then about an hour after that my throat started to hurt.  Seriously?   I'm getting sick?????   NOOOOOOOO  OK, this doesn't surprise me too much either because Todd has been horribly sick since Saturday.  OK, he's a guy so horribly sick means a different thing when it's a guy.....but seriously, he's been perched on the couch pretty much constantly from Saturday through right now. (although yesterday he was doing much better so I expect him to be back up and moving this morning).  My first thought was OHHH NO....I'm on such a roll with exercise...I don't want to stop now.  I have zumba....and running...and the gym!   (shocked the heck out of me to have those thoughts as my first ones)   But then I straightened my back and said to myself......this is life.   OK OK OK...actually I started quoting the postman's creed...."Neither rain nor snow......."   NOTHING is going to keep me off of my mission.   Does that mean I went to zumba anyway.  No, I went home and rested.  Does it mean I'll go to zumba tonight.  Who knows.....I'll let you know when that time comes.   What does it mean?   It means that I will accept that I was not and may not be able to exercise to the extent that I want this week.     It does mean that I'll tighten up my eating.  I eat pretty close to my caloric goals to begin with...but I do admit that on exercise days I don't panic if I'm over on my calorie count.  So I typically run about 50- 100 or so calories over.  Well if I"m not exercising.......yup......tighten up and bring myself back down to my goal.   It's accepting that this may and will slow down my weight loss. (This is a lifestyle anyway...not a race!)I may only get a maintain number on the scales this week.  But it's being OK with it because LIFE HAPPENS and no strict diet or exercise plan can withstand the daily ins and outs of life on a daily basis for long term.   They need to coexist peacefully and in harmony.

Shazam!

Shazam!

I've gone off of weight watchers.  The program worked for me at one point...but it stopped working for me.  I have my theories...but I'll keep my mouth shut.  Regardless, this time I am going it alone.  I've tried to surround myself with a support system....friends that are on the same page, challenges, blogs...you name it!   Sherry and I are working up our own plan.  It's called the Shazam plan...and it is a plan for LIFE.  It is a plan that realizes that there WILL be days where you just want to eat everything and honestly, you almost can't help yourself!   Think the cracker debacle.  That wasn't as bad as it could have been....I consciously made the choice and I worked my arse off to negate the calories in those crackers, strawberries and fruit dip. And I still lost at my next weigh in..BIG time!   That's what it's about...SHAZAM!    There will be situations that you have little control over.  I didn't ask my friend if I can share, so I hope she's not mad...but she went to a birthday party this past weekend.  She was there 6-7 hours...over a meal time.  They offered an overabundance of food.  Pizza....two different kinds of Doritos and much  more, nothing of which could be at all construed as healthy fare.  Drinks were regular soda and fruit punch.  Control was taken out of her hands.  She made the best choices and in small quantities but she didn't beat herself up over eating food that she may not normally have chosen....she knows that these things will happen and immediately got back on track.  SHAZAM!    This is LIFE!   My manager at work is on this journey.  Yesterday I asked her if she tracked over the weekend. She immediately jumped in and said "ohhh I fell off the bandwagon...I do know where I messed up though.".  It was a birthday celebration that knocked her down...hers (and seriously, if someone surprises you with a birthday cake.....isn't it rude to not have at least a small piece....when it's YOUR birthday???)   I just laughed and said...I didn't ask if you fell off the bandwagon...I asked if you TRACKED through it, or if you gave up.   She looked at me and grinned and said "I tracked every bite...and I wasn't over by that much if I want to be honest with myself"   SHAZAM!   The shazam plan is full of exercise and activity...but it's also saying that sometimes things will happen.  A tire will go bad and you won't be able to make zumba  (yup, the shazam plan encountered that two weeks ago) .....the flu will hit keeping you from exercise.  Whatever.  It's LIFE.  This journey is not about being all hard core.  It's about accepting life's idiosyncrasies and not letting them derail you.  This journey is about figuring out how to live in order to really LIVE. 

Why I am soooo dead set against going about this journey so totally stringent upon my eating rules and my exercise plan is that I know first hand what happens when one leads a life of denial and utter strictness.  If you've been following my blog for any time, you will know that I have lost the weight before.  I lost a total of 135 pounds.    I did a lot of that by denial.  I just said no.  Absolutely not, I will not have dessert.  It worked.  I was hugely successful.  (if you call 135 pounds successful!)   The problem occurred when I was out in the real world after I had reached my goal weight (where my doctor wanted me to be, which weight watchers accepted with a note from him...and that number was 180 pounds).  The problem actually occurred when I went on vacation the first time after reaching my goal.  It was ugly.  I started strong....but then I splurged ONCE.....and once because TWICE...and two times became a daily occurrence.  It was ugly!   (tasty, but ugly!)   I had lived in my exercise bubble of 'everything is perfect....very little desserts....no slacking on exercise' for so long that when I got out in the real world and encountered some issues, I fell apart.  I never recovered.  That started my downward spiral.  (read the blog entry detailing the vacation....it's ugly!  Be forewarned....I didn't realize that it was the beginning of my  downward spiral so I was very flippant about my eating transgressions.)  I cut loose on that vacation because I hadn't lived in the real world......not again. I will be firmly entrenched in the real world while I lose this weight.  I will have my cake and lose weight too!   I will just be eating the cake sparingly.....working my arse off to negate calories if I do splurge....hopping back on track when life causes me to stumble.

Ahhh yes, that brings me to cake..... Sometimes in life we just really really really want to have our cake and eat it too.  In the past I have purchased these warm delight minis to have around the house.  They aren't too bad.  But they are pricey.  But they work to satisfy that craving.  I have my cake fix but don't end up with a 9x13 pan of cake with only one piece out of it.  We all know how long it would last with only one piece out of the pan.  Not long.  So while this convenience food is more expensive than I would like, I have been more than willing to pay.  That is until this week.  I found  recipe.  It's most commonly referred to the 3-2-1 cake.  You'll understand it soon enough.....

 The mix is a box of angel food cake mix and a box of regular cake mix.  You can use any flavor that you want.  For my first attempt I choose devils food cake. (only because it made me laugh mixing angel food with devils food).  Wow, I dont' know what happened to that picture, rather blurry!

 

 

 

       Take the two boxes of cake mix and combine them together well.  I did mine in bowl, but  a gallon ziploc bag would work very well (and then can be used for storage also). 

At this point your cake mix is ready for storage.  I store a lot of things in 1/2 gallon canning jars.  Use whatever airtight container you have around the house.

Now comes the 3-2-1 part.  When you need a quick fix for a cake....place three tablespoons of the mix into a small bowl or coffee cup.     Add two tablespoons of water.  Mix well.  I noticed that  it had a very bubbly and frothy feel to the mixture.  It made me nervous, but I forged ahead.

Microwave for one minute.  Voila!  You have cake!   Top it with fruit, or cool whip or even ice cream (depending on your available calories for the day).  The top looked very bubbly and light, you can tell there is angel food cake mix in this mixture, when I dipped my spoon into the 'cake' it looked just like a normal cake.  I served mine with ice cream and it was a pretty good cake fix!  Ohhhh the cake, turned out to be 126 calories...the fat free vanilla ice cream was 90 calories...not  bad, a dessert for 216 calories!...and the best part...no temptation to eat the leftover pieces this morning for breakfast!  And price wise...I spent $3 for the two cake mixes...and it will give me 32 little cakes.  I used to spend $3 on a box containing two prepackaged cakes and they were 150 calories.  I win all around!

SHAZAM!

Love meets hate and a little celebration

OK, it's goign to be a big celebration...but we will get to that soon!

I love how exercise makes me feel.  I feel ready to conquer the world.  I feel ready to tackle whatever obstacles come my way.  I feel alive!  It really is amazing how awesome I feel.  However there are some downsides..........(these are serious problems, even if you decide that you need to laugh at my downsides)

Yes, we must face them.

 It takes planning...I have had to sit down yesterday and really think about my plans for Monday.  I packed my gym bag because zumba comes immediately after work.  So soon after work that I actually change at work.  I was planning a run this morning before work, so packing my bag yesterday really was the way to go, the morning run usually causes me to run tight on time. OK, so preplanned things isn't really a major issue or downside, it's just a fact of life and just one more thing on my plate.  But in the grand scheme of things inconsequential and probably a good thing..planning has never hurt anyone!  Of course the biggest problem with this is the fact that the cats always seem to want to lay in my packed gym bag, so then I look like a hairy beast while I exercise!
The second and more annoying issue is laundry.  Seriously!  Extra towels because of so many extra showers.  Extra clothes because every workout creates another outfit.  Lets take today for example....I woke up and threw the clothes I slept in into the laundry....I ran this morning (in 24 degree weather might I add).  So I had socks, gloves, hat, cuddle duds (long underwear), exercise pants, sports bra, tee shirt and two sweatshirts that all  went into the laundry (sometimes the top sweatshirt doesn't make it to the laundry I admit...it is on an outer layer so it doesn't really get that dirty does it.......and yes, the gloves need to be washed after I run....why?  Well my eyes tear in the cold and my nose runs too....gloves..well....lets just say they need washed)...then a shower after my run so towel got dirty, I am at work now...so there is another complete outfit from top to bottom.  I have zumba tonight after work..luckily it's inside so I don't have the multiple layers but it still creates another dirty outfit....sports bra, pair of pants and sweatshirt and sports top.  I will go home and shower after that...so more towels.  And then whatever I wear in the evening at home.  That is a full load of laundry (should I ignore the rules of separating colors and throw everything into the same washer!) I feel like I do laundry and then there is a full basket within hours.  I can't blame it all on exercise of course, but there are an awful lot of exercise related items in the laundry now-a-days.  Once again, not a total issue in the grand scheme of things....but just something new that I noticed.

Will I let it stop me from my goals.  Nope....I just better remember to pick up more laundry detergent at the store soon!  I've got my focus set and nothing will stop me!   There may be roadblocks.  There may be obstacles.  Nothing however, will stop me...it may slow my progress...it may make me frustrated...but there is NO looking back.  Forward only!!!!

Sooooooooo on to the celebration!!!!    Drum roll please......the exercise and healthy eating is paying off...BIG time.  This week I lost 4 pounds.  :-)  That is 18.5 pounds since January first!  WOO HOOO!!!  

So that brings me to my dilema.  I recommitted at the beginning of this year (actually I recommitted the day after Christmas but didn't start weighing until New Years day).  I am extremely proud of those 18.5 pounds.  However, should I just be looking at the 18.5 pounds as my weight loss...or should I count my weight loss from my highest overall...in which case I have lost 80.7 pounds.  I feel like I'm cheating this go round if I include that previous loss....but then I feel like I'm ignoring the hard work that went into the previous weight loss. 

Either way....I'm going to win this battle!

What am I beconing????

Friday was my day or rest from exercise.  I had actually also planned on taking off on Saturday.  However, I got toward the end of the day and dang, if I didn't just simply want to eat some ice cream.  I thought about it.  I knew that eating 1/2 cup of ice cream (fat free 90 calories) and being over by those 90 calories would not break me.  But I didn't want to.  So I got on the exercise bike for a really light 30 minute ride to earn myself some calories.  Day of rest?  Yeah, I still call it a day of rest.   (Friday was still a total day of rest...much needed and well deserved.)

Today started my new week of exercise.  I started it off with a bang.  The alarm went off early and I headed to the battlefield where I met up with Sherry.  Both of us struggled with the run today.  We think part of the issue is that both of us have this desire to run...but both of us have a bit of a mental block to running.  Because of this we are cheating on our workouts...I run on Sunday and I'm on a high so I rush through my three runs and then don't do anything.....Sherry does the opposite..pushes the runs toward the end of the week and then has them all bunched together.  Both approaches are not helping us.  (OK, they are helping because we are getting a workout...but it's not helping in terms of training to run...we need consistency.  We talked about it...and we have committed to running on Monday, Wednesday and Friday this week.  Schedule wise it's not possible for us to run together this week...but we are going to be virtually working out together....getting the runs in on the same day!

Anyway, this morning at the battlefield, we ran...we walked.  And if that wasn't enough, we then headed up to the outlets.....the Reebok store in particular.   Why in the world did we head to the Reebok store at 9AM on a Sunday morning before the store was even open?   Well, let me tell you.  My zumba instructor was holding an hour of zumba at the store.  FREE!   As if an hour of free zumba isn't enough, if you attended the hour of zumba you were given the employee discount for your purchases in the store.  40% off!   I have been needing new shoes for zumba. I had purchased running shoes a few weeks back, but really needed new shoes for zumba. 

Holy cow, have I become some exercise demon?   I'm 40 years ago and up until recently I would have never assumed that there was a need for different types of tennis shoes for different activities.  I was under the belief that if you had a pair of tennis shoes, you were good.  Now I have everyday tennis shoes, running tennis shoes AND zumba tennis shoes.  What am I becoming????? 

The sneak peak (and weigh in for a Sunday challenge) was good....can't wait until tomorrow to see the official weigh in!!!

I have a friend that has her cosmetology licence.  She's had it for a while (20 years) but always hated working in a salon.  So she just does friends and family.  Just recently she decided that she has always hated her job and that she has always wanted to follow her dreams.  She is in the process of putting a salon into her home...and she is planning on going into business for herself. She has been doing makeovers of her friends to build up a portfolio that she can show prospective clients.  She also knows that the free ones she is doing now will (and already has) create referrals for her.  So she asked me if I would be a guinea pig.  I decided to roll with it and I gave her free reign......So this is my 'before picture'.  This picture was taken within the last few weeks.  And the end results is as follows............

These two are of course the after pictures.  I very rarely take the time to dry my hair straight and NEVER take the time to pull out the flatiron (I think I dont' even have one anymore...so my hair will be back to it's normal curly state).   I'm not a makeup girl either....but hey, it was fun!  I'm not sure..but I think that I look older after my makeover. 

Cracker Debacle

Yesterday I got home.  My food was planned out and I knew what I was doing.  I made my dinner which was grilled cheese and tomato soup.  I didn't have the calories planned in for crackers in my soup...and I've eaten it without crackers so it didn't bother me.  However, I sat down at the table and I couldn't stop myself.  I WANTED crackers in my soup.  I ate them....not just one or two...I ate probably 20-25 crackers.  (yeah, I like a LOT of crackers in my tomato soup...I eat the crackers out and then put more in......sad isn't it?)  I then made a fruit dip and prepped some fruit and even though I was full and kicking myself for  my cracker debacle I ate about 2tbs of the dip and a few strawberries.  And yes...that was my binge/splurge....crackers, fruit dip and fruit.  I knocked about 200 extra calories for my day.  I was beating myself up over this and immediately sent an email to my friend Sherry  (I had to email her a link anyway...and check up on her progress) who talked me down from the ledge  and made me see that 1. I probably needed those extra calories (I had exercised so I was still under my calorie goal for the day) and 2.  Even if I didn't need them that my splurge was laughable in reality...looking at what my splurges USED to be.  Thank you Sherry!!!!  In talking to her we discussed her day and her urges and desires too.  We both talked about how this is a journey that we are on..but it is also a thing of us learning how to deal with life pressures and the normal ebb and flow of our cycles (which DOES affect our hunger)...just life.  This journey is NOT a race to the finish line...this journey is about learning how to eat and be healthy within the restrictions of life!

Today is a potluck at work...it's a birthday celebration.  We are celebrating my managers birthday...my manager is also working on her weight. SO I was able to steer everyone  to bring to  more healthy flair.   One gal is bringing some Asian Turkey Lettuce wraps. (it is a recipe from the cooking light magazine...she's brought them before....one is roughly 140 calories).  I have one girl bringing a veggie tray.  I'm bringing  fruit tray (thus the fruit dip and fruit).  I don't know what the other gal is bringing...she's one that is actually trying to GAIN weight...so who knows.  I've got this potluck by the horns and I'm going to ROCK my eating today!  Why yes, that is grapes, apples, pineapple and strawberries with the fruit dip in the center.  The fruit dip is only 18 calories per tbs. LOVE it!




Took a sneak peak on the scales this morning...I'm down but not as much as I thought...but no worries...I've got until Monday before my official weigh in!  Plus, I woke up incredibly thirsty...and that usually doesn't mean good things on the scales for me.  Water.....soooo important to our existence!!!!!


I have to say that I'm very happy that today is my rest day.  I need the rest....we all do in our journeys.  I was thinking about my week of exercise and thinking..wow..I did so much.  Then it hit me....I always do 3-4 zumba sessions...and have been for three years.   I've been consistently doing the running thing for the last four weeks too.  I only added in two 30 minute sessions on the elliptical.  Crazy.   Am I nuts????  And even though I'm glad for the rest day....part of me is itching to do something...anything!!!!!!   Nope...nothing taxing for me today!  :-)

I'll leave with a photo of the prettiest cat.  Lucy is getting old.  Makes me sad to think about losing my cat.  She is 16 and is suffering from arthritis.  But I LOVE her attitude.  She is too proud to let it stop her.  She refuses to use the steps I put for her to get onto bed.  The sad part..she jumps down and you can her her thump when she hits...she used to be graceful and light as a feather.  BUT her attitude is great.  She enjoys being the matriarch of the cats and takes her duties seriously!

Don't mess with the cheese!

Well, it took me almost two months for the knee pain to rear it's ugly head.  It's arthritis.  I'm not injured.  I'm just dealing with one of the fallouts from having at one time weighing over 300 pounds. I'm dealing with the fallout of currently being in the obese category in terms of my weight.  I know that the more weight I lose the less pain I'll feel in that knee.  I also know that the more I build up the muscles around that knee the less I'll struggle.   Experience tells me that the pain drifts away to almost nothing the more weight I lose.  So I'm just working around it.  I'm not on this journey to push myself toward inhat this pain is....and I know that I'm not hurting myself further by pushing through that pain.  So out comes the knee brace.  I'm prepared and ready to face this!!!! 

The alarm went off the crack of dawn this morning. Todd's first words were "Do you still want to go to the gym?"  As badly as I wanted to say no, I sucked it in and said "why of course!"  Life may be crazy, it may have been early, my knee may have hurt, my bed was so toasty....but when it boils down to it.  If I want to live this lifestyle with any success, I have to learn how to work around those issues and obstacles!!!   Yes, we went to the gym.  Bring on another day of my week 4 on C25K!   I did that.  It was rough....my legs were heavy, but I pushed through it.  My breathing did well!  woo hoo!   After my run, I moved to the elliptical and dang if that half hour wasn't a killer.   I have a day of rest upcoming...and while I'm on a roll and WANT to continue on my mission, I'm on the other hand looking forward to my day of rest!

The last two days I have eaten breakfast at home about about 7:30 or 8 AM.  I get to work and by 11 AM I am ravenous.  On Tuesday I was just hungry.  On Wednesday my stomach actually hurt with the hunger.  Yeah, I'm kinda shocked too that my body gets to that point that it's hurting with hunger. Once again, I pulled out the 'emergency' pretzels.  Luckily for me they were already counted out and portion controlled (from Tuesday's snack) so it was easy to stay within my budget.  And actually I had enough calories in my day once again to accommodate eating the pretzels.  So all was well.
I'm ok with eating a snack.  If I have the points there is nothing wrong with having a  extra snack.  My question though is this?  Why am I getting so hungry so very soon after breakfast. (hmmm could it be the fact that I restarted taking some vitamins each day?  (drat, I forgot it this morning) The last two days I've had toast for breakfast ...I've paired it each day with a serving of fruit.  I love toast and I've never had a problem with toast not holding me over.  I've had problems with cold cereal not holding me over....but never toast.  Before I go further..... Eggs disgust me...I can't stand the taste.  I don't like meat.......I don't like milk......I don't.....    Holy hell, I'm a darn picky eater!  Breakfast is the worst meal for me in terms of what I will eat.

 Actually I would be happy going with a vegan lifestyle except for a few small issues. (ok pretty big ones)
Surprisingly, it's not the milk.  While I don't like the taste, I do cook with it all the time.  However, we already have our refrigerator stocked with Almond Milk (husband has digestive issues...milk is a no no and soy doesn't digest easily...almond is the way to go). I have no problem cooking with Almond milk.  I've not come up with a recipe that doesn't work with the almond milk.   My issues with veganism....
*eggs-  I cook with eggs all the time. I have no problem eating them if they are an ingredient in something.
* cheese-  I can't even fathom giving up cheese.  NO NO NO.  I love my cheese!  I've tried the soy cheeses nothing even comes close in comparison!
*  soy-tofu-mushrooms-  ewww ewww ewww  They are the generally accepted substitutes and I can't stand them....hurl-o-rama.

So for now I will just continue with my quasi/half vegan lifestyle.....Don't mess with the cheese!

On Tuesday woke up and I just did NOT want to go to work.  I laid in bed. I lounged around.  I just did NOT want to go.  My muscles were sore.  Nothing major....achy soreness from using them.  Actually, not even so much soreness...just an achy overall tired feeling.  Worse than anything, I just felt exhausted and worn out.

I made it to work, promising my husband that if I didn't feel up to zumba tonight that I would forgo the fun.  I looked at him and just laughed.  He should know by now that I know how to stop and take care of myself.  I'm not a sadist.  (OK, maybe my three hours of exercise from Monday states otherwise).

By 11:30 I was STARVING.  I sat and thought about it a while....and at 11:30 I realized that it was a true hungriness.  I pulled out and emergency pack of pretzels that I keep at my desk.  I looked at the calorie count.   Holy moley!  230 calories!  I typically only eat 1300 calories a day.  That 230 would be a huge percentage of my daily calorie allotment.  I looked at MPF to see where I stood.  I had room for 1/2 of the bag.  I WANTED those pretzels.  I debated.  I wanted the whole bag!  I wanted to eat every pretzel and then lick the bag clean.  I warred with myself.  I KNEW I was hungry.  I knew I wanted to eat.  But I know where I want to be in life and in this weight loss journey.


As badly as I wanted...I didn't do it.  I got out a napkin and laid it out on my desk.  I dumped the contents of the bag out and I started counting out the pretzels.  One in the bag, one in the pile..bag pile...bag pile...bag pile....back and forth. (Actually I think I counted by twos...I'm smart that way ya know).  I quickly folded the 1/2 bag of pretzels and put them aside.  I ate my half bag and that did the trick.  That snack held me off until it was time for my lunch (I typically eat a later lunch, especially on zumba nights).   I'm extremely proud of me for counting out the pretzels AND only eating 1/2 of the bag!

Too costly?

Today I'm paying the price.  Yesterday morning Todd and I headed to the gym.  I worked out....pushing myself. My heart rate was up there and I felt good.  It was  good workout.  I put in about an hour at the gym.   Being as yesterday was a bank holiday I had off work.  Todd and I came back to the house after the gym and we relaxed a bit throughout the afternoon, just watching TV and hanging out.   Typically on days off of work, I do a double session (two straight one hour classes versus the one class that I typically can work into my schedule).  I thought about it all afternoon.  A double session?  Or should I take into account that I had already had a pretty intense workout in the morning?   Decisions decisions decisions.

I had stuck to pretty much straight cardio at the gym in the morning.  I KNEW I was going to go to the second zumba session with is actually zumba sentao.  That is usually a pretty good upper body workout (lots of tricep dips and pushups...amongst other torturous moves)  So I knew that pushing my body on the weight machines wouldn't be a good thing...I didn't want to head into that session of sentao with aching arms.  So my decision wasn't based around the second class...that class was never in debate.  My debate was for the first class.  That class was zumba with some zumba toning songs included into the rotation of songs.  Todd kept asking me throughout the afternoon what my plans were.  I kept saying I didn't know.  I didn't know for sure until about an hour before the class...and then I knew.


I was going to go for broke.  What's the worst that would happen? If my body couldn't handle it, I would just stop.   I headed into the first session and I felt really good.  My legs were responding and I felt pretty good.  It was almost as if I hadn't worked out in the morning.  My foot started hurting pretty badly toward the end of that session.  I just ignored it.  You see, my foot has been bothering me for about a year now.  I just push through it.  :-)  Pretty soon the first hour was done.  I got my chair ready and in position for the sentao hour.  It started.  I was moving but about half way into that hour I felt myself totally run out of steam.  My legs felt like they were dead weight.  I pushed through it.  I was NOT going to give up.  I was whipped, but I was NOT going to let it win.  I focused.  I moved.  I constantly thought about my exercise motto... "mind over matter."  I knew that I was tired, but I knew that my body was not in danger....while my intensity level had  threatened to waver, I knew that I was technically OK. I forced myself to maintain my intensity level.   Quitting was NOT an option.   Praying for it to end WAS an option.  haa haa haa.   I persevered.  I made it!  I conquered something that I would have thought impossible for me.  Will I do it again?  Probably not...it's a bit extreme...but I DID IT!

I came home and boy was I tired.  But the real consequences didn't hit until this morning when I went to get out of bed. Eii yii yii!   My body has this weird feeling of heaviness and achiness.  Three hours of intense exercise worked my muscles!   The cost of my three hours.....soreness! So was that too costly????   No....I did something I never thought I would do!!!! There were also some good aspects!  I got to eat extra food (I normally don't eat many of my earned exercise calories....I ate about 400-500 earned calories....not quite even one workout worth of earned calories).  Ohh...and with the pain I wanted to see what happened on the scales.  One more pound off my body.  :-)  (That's not an official weight loss...just a sneak peak).

So what's my plan for today?   Well...lets just say I'm packing my gym bag to take to work....zumba tonight after work! 

Fear and happiness

I decided that it was time to rejoin the gym.  Todd and I debated about which gym to go to. OK, Todd never debated...I did.  When I originally started the healthy lifestyle thing, we joined Gold's Gym.   We both liked it but we spent a LOT of money each month for the two of us.  After a few years we decided to move to a gym that was  bit closer...thus we tried out South Point Fitness.  It was small and cramped and Todd hated working out there, he said it made him claustrophobic.  We left there and switched to the ultra cheap Planet Fitness.  That wasn't so bad...for a no frills gym, but eventually as money became even more tight we dropped that (plus there was an issue with a worker and Todd that wasn't pretty and Todd complained about the gym the whole time...said he didn't like the vibe).  We went gymless for a while.   We went back to Gold's (which is substantially cheaper now).   And there have already been a few lessons that I would like to share.

Lesson number one.  I was talking to the guy that signed us up.  I mentioned that I was doing the couch to 5k training program and that it was working, I wasn't fast and it wasn't by any means pretty, but I was doing it.   He looked at me and his words were "I think it's splendid, you've already lapped everyone that's sitting on their couch!"    You know....that is totally right!   I sat around for so many months and years of my life and I let myself be lapped over and over again. Why?   Fear kept me down.  I was afraid I would look retarded.  I was afraid I would fail.  I was just afraid.  But you know what....sitting on the couch doing nothing is what I SHOULD have beeen afraid of!  I am up and moving.  There is no way in hell that my actions will hold me back......the only thing that holds me back is inactivity!

Lesson number two wasn't really a lesson, but rather just a thought that flitted through my mind.  Today is  bank holiday, so of course I'm off work.  We decided to head to the gym.  After my workout I went into the locker room.   And that's when I realized.   I don't fear the gym.  I will go and push myself and feel confident that I'm doing my best.  What I fear?  I fear the locker room.  I always chose a locker that's off in  corner and hope and pray that the area will be uninhabited when it comes time for me to change after my workout.   And eii yii yii..the showers???   ~~shudder~~    So today I walked into the locker room.  I set my stuff down and walked over to the sinks so that I could take  look at myself.  You see, I was trying to figure out if I could forgo taking a shower after my workout (when I used to workout at the gym I only showered at the gym once.....fear you know.....even though it's irrational and I know it!) I walked to that mirror THREE times....dreading it.  But I knew that we had some plans and errands after the gym and I really needed to do something......greasy sweaty hair is not a good pretty sight.  After my shower, I started to think about it.  Seriously?  What do I fear?  It's absolutely NUTS!    I'm not going to live my life with irrational fears.  I'm going to push myself and the world better as hell watch out because I'm going to emerge from this cacoon strong and ready to kick ass!
 OK upon rereading this for a quick edit, I just realized that lesson one and two are both me facing my fears.  Interesting.
I've been saying that our happiness has to come from inside and not due to any amount of exercise or weight loss.  I've said it can't come from a job...or a spouse...or material possessions.  It really does come from within.  Apparently George Washington felt the same!