Fake it Till you Make it

 

The personal training experience has worked to make me realize something about myself.  In all honesty, it wasn’t a pleasant discovery.  It was sobering.  It is sad.  It is plan and simple embarrassing.

 

I talked about it a bit the other day when I was giving a run down of my personal training experience.  I wrote how I realized that I am ashamed to even be in the gym “pretending’. To be fit and using the machines.  While I am there, I am honestly trying to make myself unobtrusive and unnoticeable.  I keep my eyes down.  I am trying to shrink out of sight.

 

How sad is that?

 

I used to not be that way.  Years ago when I was going to the gym, I went in boldy.I used the machines.  I felt like I belonged.  I had no shame.  And I was the same weight if not even more than I currently weigh now.  Yet, I find myself embarrassed, shy and awkward. 

I don’t like this me, this lack of self confidence.

 

My assumption about this absolute lack of confidence has a couple facets.  One, before I lost the weight the first time, I was happy and secure in who I was.  I actually didn’t feel fat.  I didn’t even feel overweight.  I felt normal.  But then I lost weight and realized that I had been fat all along.  Thing felt fantastic and I loved it. But when I gained weight, I suddenly realized how bad fat really felt.  (You see, before it was just normal…I thought everyone felt that way.  It wasn’t until I felt how thin felt that I realized how bad it had been.)  And let me tell you.  I didn’t like how fat felt when I regained.  And furthermore, it embarrasses me.

 

The whole world sees my failure!

 

The second facet is the fact that in no way am I the same person.  I have lost dreams.  I have gone through heartache.  It is a confidence killer to have a husband that shows no interest you as a physical human….yet that is what I went through in my first marriage.  It is confidence busing to have your spouse cheat on you behind your back…..yet I lived through that too in that first marriage.  Granted, it is years ago, but those hurts are still buried deep inside me.

 

Irregardless of the reason, my confidence is nonexistent.  It makes my gym visits extremely uncomfortable for me.  Luckily with my Zumba classes, I feel uncomfortable walking in…but once I get into my room where the class is held I feel free and at home.  But the actual gym area…uncomfortable. 

 

Uncomfortable is no Excuse

 

I am not letting my confidence issues derail me.  I wear a hat (which I always used to do when I ran anyway….keeps the sweat from dripping out of control into my eyes).  I let the brim of my ball cap ‘hide’ me.  Silly, I now, cuz I’m not hidden at all…but it protects my mind.      I do my workout and push through the discomfort.  And even with the brim of my hat pulled low, I have noticed that I am NOT the largest person there.  I am also not the person lifting the lowest weights.  Not that that matters….we all start somewhere.  But it does help me to know that I am not the only one in my fitness shape and physical size.  (And probably helps them too I imagine.)   But not matter what, I am not giving up……I’ll go no matter if I am comfortable or not!

 

As for the confidence?   Well…..I”m going to fake it until I make it!

 

 

Shashing through fear

Tuesday night I took off from exercise and stayed home.  I knew that I was coming down with some ailment and I wasn't sure what it was.  I didn't want to exacerbate any potential sickness by doing any heavy duty exercise only to come home so whipped, tired and more sick.  So I went home and took it easy.  I woke up on Wednesday and I could feel the sinus pressure in my head and the sinus drainage.  The drainage causes my throat to hurt and gives me a slight cough...but nothing major.  Overall, I felt pretty good.  No overwhelming tiredness, no achy feeling and most importantly no fever.  I pondered exercise all day long.  OK, I didn't ponder....a war was waged in my head. My fat mini me and my thin mini me were at war and the cacophony of noise in my head from this war was deafening.  On one shoulder, screaming into my ear was my fat mini me.  My fat mini me was yelling "You are sick, do not exercise...do not exercise...do not exercise!"  The thin mini me was yelling equally as loud.....but the message was very different. What was thin mini me saying?   Thin mini me was saying "Excuses....they are all excuses. Sinus drainage and pressure is NOT an illness, just an inconvenience.  They are excuses to keep you fat and far from your goal."    The battle raged in my head loud.  I listened.  I pondered. And then I made my choice.  Using sinus pressure (which I know from experience can last for weeks) IS an excuse.  So I tested the waters.  I went for my run.  I did the next installment in my c25k thing.  I felt pretty good after that so decided to roll with it.  I headed off to zumba.   It went well.   1.5 hours of pretty intense exercise completed for the day.

This morning the war started to wage again.....but this morning it wasn't the excuse of not feeling 100% (still sinus pressure).  Well, maybe a wee bit.  This morning it was fear.   That old fear reared it's ugly head.  You see, I had decided that I would go to the gym.  I decided that I would try an exercise class at the gym.  I am a chicken.  I do zumba...but I'm in my comfortable class...my zumba class is my comfort zone.  Going to a new class at the gym is totally out of my comfort zone.My confidence is racked with fear....fear about being the odd man out, the only one that doesn't know what I'm doing...etc etc etc.   Then to make matters worse, I could have to rush to the locker rooms and face that fear of the locker room showers again.  I faced it last week and I know it's not bad, but the fear wasn't totally gone.  Fear........it's debilitating.  I ALMOST stayed home and rode the exercise bike.  But then I said, "screw this" and with my stomach churning I set out.   I did 30 minutes on the elliptical trainer while I waited for my class to start and then I headed into a zumba sentao class.   It was very neat to see a different approach to the same class that I attend on Monday nights.  Anita is still top notch in my book. Anita approaches the chair as an instrument to fitness.  This gal approached the chair as if were a stripper pole.  I won't lie...it was fun.  She was hard to follow...and while she wore a speaker that was piped through the sound system, the music mostly drowned her out ....which is OK because she sang along with the music most of the time.  Zumba is not a class where they usually call out instructions, so i wasn't expecting it.  I will be trying one of her 'regular' zumba classes soon I'm sure and we shall see how that is.    Regardless......I did 90 minutes of exercise this morning.  I faced the fear of doing a class.....I faced the fear of the showers.....I faced the rush between the class and my scheduled time to start work.  I faced it...and I SMASHED my fears!  :-)

Fear only serves one purpose...and that is to keep us from achieving the greatness that we are capable of!

NO FEAR~~~~~SHAZAM!