Avalanche

Grrrrr. Somehow my Saturday post didn't go live!   So I guess another day where we have two posts!!

How do I want to die???

Do I want to die at the age of 50 when my hover-round that I may have to use at that point because of severe obesity, gets struck my lightening???

Do I want to die at the age of 60, after living in a nursing home for a few years all because of complications from my weight...diabetes, heart disease, burned out knees and hips...a body that can no longer stand the pressure and demands of an obese body???

But maybe....just maybe I can be 70 years old and standing on the summit of a mountain that I just hiked....and planning on hiking a thru-trip of the Appalachian trail.

Maybe...just maybe I can be 80 years old and biking the whole length C&O canal on a tandem bike with Jason!

Maybe at 90 or 100 or even plus some  I will die. We are not immortal.  But Maybe I will be the death that everyone talks about...the 100 year old lady that was out extreme skiing and died in a freak avalanche!!  

There is no guarantee as to how long we live. I think we all know that. But there are choices that we make in our life that can influence the when and how....so my question is this....

How do I want to die??

I don't want to die when my hover-round /lark/wheelchair gets struck my lightening!  I want to go out shaking my fist at the world and living life to the fullest!  

So what does that mean?  That means that right here and right now I have to make changes!!!!   Now is the time to fix the unhealthy habits in my life. Now is the time to create healthy habits that will increase the odds of a healthy long lasting active healthy life!

I have slowly been implementing these changes.

I've been tracking my food.

I've been trying to increase my water intake (and tracking it)

I've challenged myself to 2017 miles in the year 2017 in an attempt to move more.

I'm really trying!

I want to live...and with Jason in my life, all of a sudden I want to live even more! I want to grow old with him and have a fun active life!

So this weekend I made a vow.  This weekend I decided that my quest for my steps wasn't enough. I needed to step it up.  I didn't aim big.  I knew that there were two days that I would be leaving for work at 7AM and two days that I wouldn't be leaving until 9AM.  My goal?  Exercise two times!   That is two outside runs.  Optimistically I would like to get to the gym early on those 7AM days...but I set my goal at 2 days.  I want to have a victory and not yet another failure!

This morning I woke up and laid in bed.  It was dark outside.  I knew I wasn't going out to run yet.  I laid there and relaxed. And then I started to try to reason my way out of running!  The weather was probably bad!   It was dark.  Was that a pain in my side???   

Then I read a post on Facebook where some people were putting their daily goals out there.   And they were aiming for 5 times this week!  Or even more!  Yeah...I felt like a wuss!!!  I posted and declared my goals...and furthermore announced my plan to run!!   Oh yeah..as soon as I did it, I kicked myself!!!

But it motivated me to get up and get dressed!!!

And then I looked at the dollhouse I am building. I worked on the porch and bay window last night...it was taped/clamped.  I so wanted to see it.  So I sat down, dressed for my run to check it out!!

Yup..looked good! 

But then I thought about the bathroom and kitchen...the first two rooms I will tackle when it is completely done.  I wanted to see how the bathroom stuff that I have would look and get an idea of the layouts!!!

I laid paper and drew some possible kitchen cabinets on the floor..

Yup..before I knew it it was 7:45...and I had to leave the house for work at 9! (my coworkers usually like me to be showered when I arrive at work..so I was really running out of time!)

I flew...because I was NOT failing!  I stepped outside and my heart stopped!

Wet!!!  It was  raining!!!   But I kept moving and got 2.2 miles in!!!

It was rough....slow...and just not a good run...but does that surprise me?  No, my previous run was on thanksgiving day!!!  That's a lot of time and I didn't expect it to be easy!  

So this weekend was another fabulous one...we tried to stay moving and active with antique shops and looking through junk!  (And antiques).  We also spent a day at Arlington National Cemetery. We walked...no tour bus for us!!!

We saw monuments....

The changing of the guard at the tomb of the unknown.....

President kennedy's grave....

President Taft's grave.....

Arlington House (General Lee's home before the civil war) .....

More monuments.....

A gorgeous amphitheater where we each took a turn and sat on the marble throne/seat.....

Row after row of graves....

And a beautiful overlook of our nations capital!  I got my steps in that day for sure!!!!

A good weekend!  The weather is supposed to be fabulous next weekend...do I smell a bike ride or a hike????

Feeling strong

It's no secret that I'm struggling.  I'm looking at the last few months as a victory. I've maintained.  I stopped the slide of weight gain that occurred after my own personal D-day on July 11.  That is a victory in itself because stopping weight gain can be as difficult (near impossible seemingly) as losing the weight.  So I'm going to accept that victory. 

Now it's time for me to start the scales moving downward.  I'm tracking, religiously!  If I eat a cracker TRACK it.  And i'm keeping my calories in my set zone...no matter what exercise I have.  The trick is this...if I'm really active, that means I better choose my food carefully so I'm getting the quantity and quality it that I need to satisfy my body.  And yes, it is TOTALLY possible....I just can't have the junk.  I need to have the filling foods that are low calories. (don't I sound like a Weight Watchers Commercial....if they even still push filling foods).  

It's called CHOICES!  I made choices yesterday.  I planned out my meals for the day and I was set.  And then I came home and my train derailed. How?  A change of plans with dinner.  Uhhhhh....  I didn't rush myself to the kitchen to gorge on food.  I sat and thought about my options.  I thought and came up with a plan.  I followed my plan and I even had the calories left over for a wonderful little treat at the end of the night.  (A cherry candy cane...I bought a bunch of boxes after Christmas for like 10 cents a piece....cherry candy canes are the ultimate treat....50 calories of sweet treat!)  I didn't let the change of plans (basically my planned dinner got canecelled)  derail me.  Normally I would have said "well if I'm eating on my own I'll just go into the kitchen and get something to eat. What in reality happens when I get to the kitchen is that I'm standing there without a clear defined plan of what to eat.  So I eat some cheese while I think about what I want. Then I eat some chips while I make what I decide to eat.  Then I actually eat what I decide to eat, but it wasn't what I really wanted so I have some ice cream afterward.   It's like a eat fest!   Without a plan I fail!  Last night I wouldn't let myself go into the kitchen until I had a plan.  And it worked!  

We have choices.  This morning I woke up and I laid out my eating for today.  My dinner plans may fall through, but I have an alternate plan in case it does (and the alternate plan is a LOT less calories, so I would be able to have a little scoop of ice cream as a treat!).  I made my breakfast plans before I left the house.  We went to  Waffle House for breakfast.  I had enough calories for a waffle, butter and sugar free syrup.  Todd asked if I wanted hashbrowns.  I said "No, I don't have the calories."  He offered some of his hashbrowns.  I answered, no...I don't have the calories.  He asked if I wanted some of his raisin cinnamon toast.  I answered...no, I don't have the calories.  (because see, I have to expect that we will have the planned dinner.. and if we eat that dinner I won't have the calories!).  It's a choice and today I felt strong!  

I know that this weeks weigh in my not show my efforts due to the wonderful cycle of my body.  But I'm ok with that.  I'm going to push through and see what the next TWO weeks bring me!

So yes..........I love nutella.  I buy it on occasion as a treat.....and then struggle because I want to eat the whole dang jar of it in one fell swoop!!!  It's so well known that at Sam's club the other week my husband put a whole case of the honkin' big jars of nutella in the cart as a joke!  (no, we took everyone of those jars out!)   So I thought that this cat was hystarical!

And last but not least I leave you with a picture of my nephew and I.  Not the clearest and greatest picture, but I just like it.  This little guy is absolutely awesome. (all of my niece and nephews are).

Choices

    We have choices within our lives.  So many choices.  We make choices each and every minute and every hour.  The choices that we make show our character and commitment.  I am making choices that will propel me down a path of healthy lifestyle.                                                             Part of my system that I have adopted for this journey is that I sit down (usually in the evening) and plan out my eating for the following day.  That way when I wake up there is little or no confusion about what I am eating or what I am to put into my lunch box.  I know the plan.  That is not saying that there is no room for change.  There is.  But for the most part I have it all planned.  Yesterday was no different. I sat down and planned out my food for today in the evening.  I planned what I would be eating.  I was on top of it. I knew that I would be about 50-100 calories over, but I wasn't bothered.  Monday nights are a zumba night and I earn a ton of calories in an average zumba hour.  NO PROBLEM.

So this morning I woke up and I went into the kitchen.  I made the planned breakfast for Todd and I.  I packed his lunch, I prepped a bit for dinner (it's a zumba night so that means I'll be back late and it's nice to have some of the prep work completed before hand) and I put my lunch together.  As I was doing all this I realized that I had forgotten to put a huge component from one of my meals into myfitnesspal.  A 150 calorie mistake.  that would put me 250 plus calories over my daily budget. (I try to not use too many of my earned calories.  I eat no more than 100 of my earned calories.  I just don't lose if I do....that's the way my body works.)  I pondered what I wanted to do.  Each meal was halfway made so it would be somewhat difficult to switch directions in mid stream. I carried on with the preparations as planned, including that all so important component.  I had made my choice.


What choices did I have?  
I had the choice to scrap the food totally (thereby wasting money and food)

I had the choice to throw up my hands and eat the additional calories and act like nothing was out of line.

I had the choice to add a bit more exercise into my day to EARN the additional calories. 

Choices.  So important in life.

Yes, I got on the exercise bike and rode 30 minutes which netted me enough calories to just barely cover my over expenditure for the day.  

The crazy thing??????  I got to work and realized almost immediately (don't even ask why I realized it it just hit me like a ton of bricks) that I forgot the cheese on my salad...which actually dropped me down 80 calories.  All my stressin' was for naught!     It's all good, an additional spurt of exercise will NOT hurt me!  :-)

Shashing through fear

Tuesday night I took off from exercise and stayed home.  I knew that I was coming down with some ailment and I wasn't sure what it was.  I didn't want to exacerbate any potential sickness by doing any heavy duty exercise only to come home so whipped, tired and more sick.  So I went home and took it easy.  I woke up on Wednesday and I could feel the sinus pressure in my head and the sinus drainage.  The drainage causes my throat to hurt and gives me a slight cough...but nothing major.  Overall, I felt pretty good.  No overwhelming tiredness, no achy feeling and most importantly no fever.  I pondered exercise all day long.  OK, I didn't ponder....a war was waged in my head. My fat mini me and my thin mini me were at war and the cacophony of noise in my head from this war was deafening.  On one shoulder, screaming into my ear was my fat mini me.  My fat mini me was yelling "You are sick, do not exercise...do not exercise...do not exercise!"  The thin mini me was yelling equally as loud.....but the message was very different. What was thin mini me saying?   Thin mini me was saying "Excuses....they are all excuses. Sinus drainage and pressure is NOT an illness, just an inconvenience.  They are excuses to keep you fat and far from your goal."    The battle raged in my head loud.  I listened.  I pondered. And then I made my choice.  Using sinus pressure (which I know from experience can last for weeks) IS an excuse.  So I tested the waters.  I went for my run.  I did the next installment in my c25k thing.  I felt pretty good after that so decided to roll with it.  I headed off to zumba.   It went well.   1.5 hours of pretty intense exercise completed for the day.

This morning the war started to wage again.....but this morning it wasn't the excuse of not feeling 100% (still sinus pressure).  Well, maybe a wee bit.  This morning it was fear.   That old fear reared it's ugly head.  You see, I had decided that I would go to the gym.  I decided that I would try an exercise class at the gym.  I am a chicken.  I do zumba...but I'm in my comfortable class...my zumba class is my comfort zone.  Going to a new class at the gym is totally out of my comfort zone.My confidence is racked with fear....fear about being the odd man out, the only one that doesn't know what I'm doing...etc etc etc.   Then to make matters worse, I could have to rush to the locker rooms and face that fear of the locker room showers again.  I faced it last week and I know it's not bad, but the fear wasn't totally gone.  Fear........it's debilitating.  I ALMOST stayed home and rode the exercise bike.  But then I said, "screw this" and with my stomach churning I set out.   I did 30 minutes on the elliptical trainer while I waited for my class to start and then I headed into a zumba sentao class.   It was very neat to see a different approach to the same class that I attend on Monday nights.  Anita is still top notch in my book. Anita approaches the chair as an instrument to fitness.  This gal approached the chair as if were a stripper pole.  I won't lie...it was fun.  She was hard to follow...and while she wore a speaker that was piped through the sound system, the music mostly drowned her out ....which is OK because she sang along with the music most of the time.  Zumba is not a class where they usually call out instructions, so i wasn't expecting it.  I will be trying one of her 'regular' zumba classes soon I'm sure and we shall see how that is.    Regardless......I did 90 minutes of exercise this morning.  I faced the fear of doing a class.....I faced the fear of the showers.....I faced the rush between the class and my scheduled time to start work.  I faced it...and I SMASHED my fears!  :-)

Fear only serves one purpose...and that is to keep us from achieving the greatness that we are capable of!

NO FEAR~~~~~SHAZAM!

Choices

I've been thinking a lot lately about choices. In particular, I've been thinking about how we make our choices and what shapes our choices. So many of our decisions are based upon our life experiences and upbringing. The circumstances that surround us. But really, aren't those things really just excuses for not owning up to our choices?

Let me backtrack and share how I came around to this thinking. I've talked on here once or twice about my teaching experience. My last year pursuing that profession was totally horrible. The kids were not 'bad' even when they acted out in a truly horrible manner. They were products of their environment; a rough neighborhood, parents that were very young and an administration that decided that they didn't want me in their school simply because I was the wrong color.   Just recently, I started to think about those kids. They are not kids any longer. They are all in their early twenties (seriously I just dated myself didn't I?)   Maryland has a very easy to access judicial system website for cases that are public record.  I decided to pull out an old class list (I knew I had one in storage somewhere) and check their names.  It took me a while to find the paper I needed, but earlier this week I started looking.   Of the 33 students in my 4th grade classroom, 12 of them were free from having any accessible record within this state. (could be in different states and who knows what they did during their years as a minor..years I don't have access to).  There were traffic violations with at least 6 of those violators being driving on suspended licence.  I giggled at former student that had a case against him for failing to pay them metro fare and even the unrestrained unruly dog made me smile.  The paternity and child support cases made me sad because I realized that these kids were just following the footsteps of their parents...they were stuck in the cycle.  They had choices but they were not making the difficult choices and breaking free from vicious cycle that was pulling them down.  There were quite a few of my previous students that were picked up for theft....of which one of them was armed robbery.  There were a few drug charges.  But my jaw dropped two times.  TWO of my students, even though they are only in their very early 20's have been charged with Murder within this state and since adulthood.  (Murder in the first...both of them).    As bad as that year was...this breaks my heart.  Those kids HAD the world in front of them.....they could have made so much from themselves.  It was all their choice.  Those kids had choices in life to make....and so many of them have apparently made the wrong choices.   You can say 'product of their environment'....but that really IS a cop out.  They made those choices....the consequences have always been clear.  I know that they were clear...I was their teacher.  These kids told me back then that they were going to become prostitutes...we talked about consequences.  One of these kids told me that they were going to shoot me......consequences were discussed at that time too.  They KNEW the consequences....yet they STILL made negative choices that they will have to carry with them the rest of their lives.

So how does this relate to this blog and my weight loss????    Haven't I done the same thing?   I have always known that obesity kills.  I have always known that being obese would adversely affect my health.  I knew that my obesity WAS affecting me.  My cholesterol is high.  I have already blown out my knees.  Obesity has come knocking and started wreaking havoc on my body.  Yet I continued to make choices.  I tried to say "well, it's my upbringing...I come from a foodie family"  but guess what......that's an excuse!  I knew the consequences of eating.  Yet I still did it.  The choice has been mine since I was old enough to know better!  Choices.......we really do shape our lives with our choices......circumstances do not shape our lives.  It's how we personally react to those circumstances....the choices that we make that shape our lives. 

I've made the choice to be healthy and I'm not looking back.  There are no excuses.  I know that there will be days where I'm not totally on target, but it's by no ones fault by my own.  It is MY choice and no one elses.

This morning I woke up.  I didn't do much in terms of exercise yesterday and had planned to do the next day on my couch to 5 k training program.  I woke up and looked out the window to see the weather.  DRAT!  Snowy.  (as evidenced on the door of my car in the picture)  Not a whole lot of snow...just a dusting. But a dusting of snow and a nice little sheen of ice.  Ice is not something that I want to be running in.  Luckily for me, this was my 'come in late day' at work.  I didn't have to be here until noon.  I took Todd to the studio (still sharing a car...hopefully within the next week or so we will be back to being a two car family) and then went home and did a bit of stuff around the house until about 10 or so.  And then I headed off down the road.  And I did it.  Week three is complete!

I'm proud of me for FINALLY making the right choice.   As I've looked deep, I have realized that I really do like who I am.  The love affair with myself has begun again. Happy Valentines day to me!