Regrouping and the trail of death

Last week was a ROUGH week for me.  I didn't do good with exercise.  I didn't do good with eating.  I didn't do good with anything health related.  I tell you...it was a rough week   I faithfully wrote about it all...that's for sure.    I wrote about my meltdown on the mountain bike trail that occured on Sunday.   I also wrote about my serious contemplation in regards to why I'm even doing this.....and why I continue to write about it and thus sharing my shame.    It was a rough week in regards to my weight loss and healthy lifestyle.

By Friday I was feeling a bit more 'secure' in where I was and what I was doing.  Not quite back in the grove yet and not quite back to making plans and talking about it.  But at least a bit more in control of what I was doing.  Luckily, the weekend came and I had opportunities to think and situations that made me ponder in order to figure out something in terms of a plan. (A loose plan!)

On Friday evening as I was leaving work I received an email from a friend.  She knew about the aforementioned meltdown on the bike trail that occured last weekend.  Her parting words to me before we both logged off our computers was this.  "Get back out on that trail.  You can do it and this weekend you will conquer it.  I believe in you."   Well then......I couldn't back out of the ride now...Julie believed in me!   The rest of Friday was uneventful.  We enjoyed our normal low key evening of relaxation and pizza delivery as we recouped from our hectic work week.

On Saturday morning I hooked up with my friend Shantel for breakfast.  We had a great time talking, laughing, sharing and reminiscing.  I wasn't happy with the selfie that we took about halfway through our time together

My face looks SOOOO fat.  I mentioned it to Shantel and we got to talking about my weight woes.  She works out each morning AND she runs a few miles everyday on her lunch break.  She is a machine.  I lamented about my long 11 hour work days (adding in the commute) and how that doesn't leave much time for exercise.   She readily agreed.   But then I opened my big mouth and mentioned how I had previously contemplated and decided to sacrifice some sleep by waking up early so as to MAKE the time to workout before my normal daily activities began.   I also readily admitted that making a plan to do it and actually DOING it were two different things and I was struggling with the actual follow through of this sacrificial plan.   She looked at me and said "MaryFran, I wake up at 5AM every day and spend about 45 minutes to an hour working out with an exercise DVD".  Well then.....my plan was only 5:30 for a 20-30 minute workout.    I quickly volunteered her to be my accountability partner and to use tough love on me.  So, my plan was Monday morning.....5:30 AM...I'm up and at the very least riding the bike trainer.

On Saturday afternoon I decided to make a graph of my weight loss. I am an old fashioned girl and like things on paper so I can see.   I chose to only put in a monthly weight....and chose the weight closest to the beginning of the month and there are definitely some gaps where I wasn't weighing in (or I just don't have any weights recorded).   Each line represents 5 pounds...so it's not spot on...but it is a true representative of my overall weight loss journey.   It was sobering...but it was also very interesting.  I can identify a major life event with EACH of the big jumps upward in the graph.  I was losing weight...and doing nicely in 2013....and then found out my husband had cheated on me and boom my weight rose. I was losing again and then started the proceedings to the divorce and moved in with my parents...and my mother bakes all the time for some markets that she sells home cooked goods at so desserts readily available ALL.THE.TIME....boom another rise.   I was holding steady and maybe even dropping a bit and then Jason and I both switched jobs which eliminated a lot of our evening walks and we were so tired that the weekends were not as active.  Boom, my weight rose.   It was very interesting to see.

Ok, so what if I made this  graph while sitting on a stool in the kitchen while I watched the candy thermometer in the pan while I made a batch of fudge. (I will be freezing some of it for a quick little treat here and there.)  hey...no judgement on the fudge!  It is only right that I used/tested my new candy thermometer !!  (Amazon Affiliate link!) But regardless of the fudge...the graph really does show my journey and really makes me want to see that big downward curve to the bottom of the graph!!!!   Motivation for sure!!!!!

On Sunday we decided to head back to the trail where last week I had my meltdown   I was filled with lots of fear and trepidation!

  We grabbed the bikes and the first thing we noticed was that my tire was dead flat.   We pumped it up and headed out (the same thing happened last week and I was fine).  A half of an hour later we were at the trailhead and much to our chagrin the tire was partially flat. Again.   Grrr.   We pumped it up and did short forays from the car.  It was probably exactly what I needed....I was tired and my legs were aching....but by not pushing myself to the absolute limit, I was actually able to enjoy the ride!!!    The bike did bite me a bit!!!!  I was climbing a hill...out of the saddle and something happened and I flew off the bike.  Ok not really flew but I did leave the saddle and I did think I was going to go down.    The pedal bite into my leg and I have developed a bruise. 

So now it is 5:47 AM on Monday morning...and where am I might you ask??   I am sitting on my bike...on the bike trainer....spinning those wheels.  I will have 25 minutes on my legs today...before I even shower!    So I’m keeping my plan... you see...on the bike ride yesterday I kept vowing ‘I’m going to fix my issues and make every ride fun...even the long rides...even the hard technical rides.  But I can’t keep doing the same thing and expect different results.  The same thing..which was to be a dig through the week and a weekend warrior with exercise/activity, was NOT working...so to continue on that path was pure insanity.  So this week I’m trying something different! (If only it was light outside, I would run a bit too!)

Change...it’s hard but the efforts will pay off!

13 year blogiversary

Happy blogiversary!!!   12 Years! How crazy is that????  What a journey this has been!  I have definitely had some highs and I’ve definitely hit some lows!!!

Surprisingly this last year was not the year with the least amount of posts...but that brings me to some simple observations!

The year with the most posts:   2008

The year where I reached my weight watcher goal: 2008

The year with my least posts: 2012 followed closely by 2011 and then 2017

When did I gain weight:  2011 was the first small gain 2017 was the second

Hmmmm is there a correlation???  

Some lessons I’ve learned along the way....and by no means is this a comprehensive list.....there are way too many to post!!  And the list is in no particular order.

1.  Lose weight for yourself!  That is the only way to lose AND maintain the loss.

2.  Learn to love yourself....it doesn’t matter if you are 300 pounds or 100 pounds, love yourself for the awesome individual that you are!

3.  Find a partner in life that loves you in spite of your weight!  Someone that wants you to be healthy for your health but could care less if you have some fat rolls, or if the scales show some higher numbers!

4.  Deprivation of all ‘fun foods’ may be necessary at times in life, but in the long run will only lead to disaster because eventually you will cave and you will be sitting there shoveling junk food in like you’ve been starving for a lifetime.

5.  Your taste buds really do change and the healthier nutritious foods really do taste better....conversely when you start eating junk again they change back and you no longer crave the healthy stuff!

6. No matter how healthy you may be at any given time..the old habits are still buried deep and you will show up if you don’t keep up your gaurd. 

7. Exercise really isn’t the devil reincarnated!!  

8.  Find the activity you like doing and stick with it.  If it’s running...run.  If it’s Zumba...then Zumba.  Do what you enjoy...even if you only enjoy it sometimes because it’s a social hour (yes Zumba was a social hour....or rather pre Zumba and post Zumba times were a social hour for me)

9.  Start now....if you say ‘tomorrow’, tomorrow may never come!

10.  Start now....waiting until a certain time just gives permission to eat like a hog-head for the days leading up to the magical start date...and then you have a bigger hole to dig yourself out of!!!

11.   Don’t force yourself to eat a food you hate just because it’s ‘healthy’

12.  Reward yourself for your progress!  A lot of work goes into creating a healthy version of yourself!

13.  Food actually tastes better after you have ‘worked for it’.   For example after a long hike I enjoy dinner so much more...earn your food!

14.  I am the only one responsible for what goes into my mouth!  No one has ever hog tied me to a chair and forced me to eat a donut!   They may offer me a donut (insert any tempting non nutritious food in for the word donut) but they have never forced me to eat it...I am 100% in control!

15.  Arthritis pain really does ease up with exercise!  Yes it seems odd that it hurts so bad and someone tells you to go out and exercise...how because it’s painful...but it really does work!

16.  My most proud accomplishments are the ones in which I have pushed though and completed what I set out to do.

17.  The blood sweat and tears that go into this journey?  Totally worth it!

And I’m here to say that year 13 is going to be spectacular!!!!

Fear and happiness

I decided that it was time to rejoin the gym.  Todd and I debated about which gym to go to. OK, Todd never debated...I did.  When I originally started the healthy lifestyle thing, we joined Gold's Gym.   We both liked it but we spent a LOT of money each month for the two of us.  After a few years we decided to move to a gym that was  bit closer...thus we tried out South Point Fitness.  It was small and cramped and Todd hated working out there, he said it made him claustrophobic.  We left there and switched to the ultra cheap Planet Fitness.  That wasn't so bad...for a no frills gym, but eventually as money became even more tight we dropped that (plus there was an issue with a worker and Todd that wasn't pretty and Todd complained about the gym the whole time...said he didn't like the vibe).  We went gymless for a while.   We went back to Gold's (which is substantially cheaper now).   And there have already been a few lessons that I would like to share.

Lesson number one.  I was talking to the guy that signed us up.  I mentioned that I was doing the couch to 5k training program and that it was working, I wasn't fast and it wasn't by any means pretty, but I was doing it.   He looked at me and his words were "I think it's splendid, you've already lapped everyone that's sitting on their couch!"    You know....that is totally right!   I sat around for so many months and years of my life and I let myself be lapped over and over again. Why?   Fear kept me down.  I was afraid I would look retarded.  I was afraid I would fail.  I was just afraid.  But you know what....sitting on the couch doing nothing is what I SHOULD have beeen afraid of!  I am up and moving.  There is no way in hell that my actions will hold me back......the only thing that holds me back is inactivity!

Lesson number two wasn't really a lesson, but rather just a thought that flitted through my mind.  Today is  bank holiday, so of course I'm off work.  We decided to head to the gym.  After my workout I went into the locker room.   And that's when I realized.   I don't fear the gym.  I will go and push myself and feel confident that I'm doing my best.  What I fear?  I fear the locker room.  I always chose a locker that's off in  corner and hope and pray that the area will be uninhabited when it comes time for me to change after my workout.   And eii yii yii..the showers???   ~~shudder~~    So today I walked into the locker room.  I set my stuff down and walked over to the sinks so that I could take  look at myself.  You see, I was trying to figure out if I could forgo taking a shower after my workout (when I used to workout at the gym I only showered at the gym once.....fear you know.....even though it's irrational and I know it!) I walked to that mirror THREE times....dreading it.  But I knew that we had some plans and errands after the gym and I really needed to do something......greasy sweaty hair is not a good pretty sight.  After my shower, I started to think about it.  Seriously?  What do I fear?  It's absolutely NUTS!    I'm not going to live my life with irrational fears.  I'm going to push myself and the world better as hell watch out because I'm going to emerge from this cacoon strong and ready to kick ass!
 OK upon rereading this for a quick edit, I just realized that lesson one and two are both me facing my fears.  Interesting.
I've been saying that our happiness has to come from inside and not due to any amount of exercise or weight loss.  I've said it can't come from a job...or a spouse...or material possessions.  It really does come from within.  Apparently George Washington felt the same!