Chest pains

Ok let me get the white elephant out of the room.   I’m having chest pains.   Yes..chest pains.   Is it shortness of breath?  No...just an ache.   Do I think I have Covid 19. Probably not.    Do I think I’m having a heart attack?  I don’t think so   But regardless...I have chest pains!

So what is happening.   

Before I go on, I want to say that I have experienced a period in my life before where I suffered from chest pains.  Badly enough that I ended up in the ER.    Badly enough that I visited my family doctor numerous times and had a lung function test....and a this test and a that test.  And badly enough that I visited a cardiologist for more tests.  I went back and found the post where I first started talking about this issue....way back when.    They deemed me healthy as a horse and concluded that ‘maybe it’s stress’.   The chest pains continued on and off for a few years.  And then one day...they were gone.   Is it coincidental that they disappeared when my marriage ended?   I think not!!!  

I haven’t had a single chest pain in years!!!  And then all of a sudden a week or two ago they started.  

Of course the first thought was ‘tightness of chest’, I bet I’m getting the Corona Virus!  I kept it to myself for a few days...probably wrongly so.  (We were already doing the isolation thing with me working at homes so I wasn’t foolhardy with being out and about).  But the pains didn’t worsen.   In fact, as time went by I noticed that they would come and go.  

I have even gone running and while it feels really tight while I run the tightness isn’t long term and subsides shortly thereafter.  (Hey, I’m out of shape...I expect my chest to be tight at that point).  

I finally brought it up to Jason and told him that that ‘I’m having some chest pains and I think it’s from the stress’.  I couldn’t even make it through the conversation without crying.  The stress just came bubbling forth.   I watch the news and I fight tears.  I think about what’s happening, I fight tears.   I am just super stressed!   He is worried about my ticker...but hasn’t forbidden (aka kindly asked) me to not run on my lunch breaks!  He agrees it is most likely stress and anxiety but is a bit  worried about my heart.  But we both see how it gets worse when I’m talking and thinking about everything that’s going on.

Why the stress?   Jason is off work so I’m worried about being a one income family.  I’m petrified that my mom will get sick and I’ll lose her.  I’m worried about Jason...if he gets sick he doesn’t have health insurance....would he get the treatment he needs or would they opt to give limited treatment to someone that has insurance.  The news utter depresses me, yet I can’t stay away.  So yeah...stress!

So what is my plan???  It is definitely NOT to eat myself silly!  Although I did that one day for lunch this week.  It was a day that I was feeling blah. (Stress AND monthly hormones). I just didn’t go for a lunchtime run....which left me way too much time to eat lunch...and to keep eating lunch...and keep eating...and keep eating!!

I plan on continuing to try to run on my lunch breaks.   It feels good to get outside.  It breaks up the day at work and it gives me some fresh air.   

Most importantly....I pray and keep moving forward.   This time we are in is getting a lot of us.  But I know we can make it!   We just can’t give up!!!

I can’t be broken: nothing but victory

When someone talks about living a healthy lifestyle the first thought is always diet and what foods to eat.   Immediately following the thoughts of diet is exercise.  While those two aspects are indeed huge components of a healthy lifestyle there is so much more involved in a healthy lifestyle.  One of the biggest and most overlooked components is our emotions and mental state, which I touched on in one of my most recent posts when I talked about daily life stress    But beyond daily stress, what baggage do we have in our life that is hindering us in regards to achieving a healthy lifestyle?

A few weeks ago I was listening to the song ‘Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken’ by Pink.   (Lyrics and link to the song at the end of the post). I was thinking in terms of weight loss.  This weight loss journey may beat me down...it may make me bleed and cry but it was not going to win...I would not be broken!  In the back of my mind I planned to write some (I am sure it would have been most decidedly amazing) post about the song and how it was my battle cry...and I would have victory!   The words for the post were forming in my head.  But then something happened to change my mind about the direction that I wanted this post to take!

I was driving to work a while back and the song ‘Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken’ started to play.   Naturally, I started to sing along. I knew that the song would be sticking in my head and I would probably be humming it all day long and into the weekend (as this took place on a Friday.)  I laughed a bit and knew immediately what Jason would say when he caught me singing.  What would he say?  ‘I love to hear you sing, you have such a pretty voice.’ I smiled as I thought this...simply because how lucky am I to have such an incredible man love me!    But followed upon those happy thoughts were the unpleasant memories of my previous relationship.  They were memories of the ridicule I faced when I sang and the derision I heard about my voice which could never be as good as the ‘so called professionals’ he worked with.    Wow!  Where did those memories come from was my thought!   Regardless, I kept listening to the song and woah....the words took on a whole new meaning for me!

I felt the emotions and pain of my previous relationship even as I felt the power surge through me with the thought that those experiences did not break me!  Nothing held me back!  But then all of a sudden I was sobbing.  I knew in that one clear instance on a snowy morning commute that the baggage of my ex marriage really was holding me back!   Emotionally AND with my quest for a healthy lifestyle!  Emotionally?   I DON’T sing out loud as often as I do in my head.  It is just a trained response.  ‘Don’t sing in order to to avoid ridicule’, my mind screams.  I know that there will be NO ridicule in my relationship with Jason, but the baggage is there...the damage was done.  I started singing years ago (when I left my ex) and my voice is coming back....but it’s a slow process as my mind slowly rights itself.  There are other hang-ups, some more personal, some silly and some serious, but they are there and through the love of an amazing man, I am working through them.  The baggage created in a very unhealthy relationship took up residence in my mind years ago and now I am working evict those thoughts!

That revelation was deep enough right?  Apparently not.  My mind just kept swirling and I had a startlingly clear epiphany about my weight loss efforts.  Yes, I desperately want to lose weight.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be happy.  I want to be thin. I want to wear amazing ‘thin’ clothes. (Because let’s face it, thin clothes are usually prettier and more stylish than ‘fat’ clothes.)  I want this.  BADLY.    So why am I not working my butt off (figuratively AND literally) to attain it?  The answer was clear that morning while I listened to the song.   Why not?   The answer was simple…all of this baggage creates a fear within me to change the status quo.   It’s plain and simple fear.

I lost my weight the last time to MAKE a man love me. (Which didn’t work…..and looking at what I have now….thank heavens it didn’t, I’m in a much better place and way happier than I would have EVER been in that previous relationship.)   But for so many years my head was wrapped around the idea that weight loss would ‘help’ my relationship.  Because of that thrust to lose weight to save the marriage, the weight loss and weight gains in my mind became  the reason he cheated on me.  (No matter what I was, my ex always made it clear that the ‘other way’ was better…and I DO know that he cheated because he was a scoundrel...it just took me a while to realize that!) So that day it became clear that I fear making the changes…because if I do, I am upsetting the balance of  my current relationship and putting it at risk!   How utterly stupid am I?  

So let me think for a minute about this.  Jason has made it clear that he loves me right where I am and any weight loss/weight gain does not change who I am.  He tells me all the time that I am gorgeous to him now. He has also seen pictures of me at my lower weights and he likes what he sees there….in terms of my body.  But honestly, what he notices about the ‘thin’ pictures is NOT my weight difference.  What he notices in the old pictures is the sadness in my eyes.  Weight is NOT an issue with him.   I should have NO FEAR…he just wants to see the sparkle of happiness  in my eyes!

 So if I heed the baggage in my head I lose no weight and gain nothing.  But what happens if I banish that emotional baggage?   I gain a more healthy body.  I can have a   body that can more easily  ride the mountain bike trails on my trusty bike.  I can have a body that can more easily hike up and down mountains.   I can a body that can allow me to live a healthy and active life…with the man that only wants to make my eyes sparkle with happiness.  

Yeah, it’s time to start living to my fullest…….because Wild hearts Can’t be Broken. (Click for link to the song)

Lyrics:

I will have to die for this I fear
There's rage and terror and there's sickness here
I fight because I have to
I fight for us to know the truth

There's not enough rope to tie me down
There's not enough tape to shut this mouth
The stones you throw can make me bleed
But I won't stop until we're free
Wild hearts can't be broken
No, wild hearts can't be broken

This is my rally cry
I know it's hard, we have to try
This is a battle I must win
To want my share is not a sin

There's not enough rope to tie me down
There's not enough tape to shut this mouth
The stones you throw can make me bleed
But I won't stop until we're free
Wild hearts can't be broken
No, wild hearts can't be broken

You beat me, betray me
You're losing, we're winning
My spirit above me
You cannot deny me
My freedom is burning
This broken world keeps turning
I'll never surrender
There's nothing, but a victory

There's not enough rope to tie me down
There's not enough tape to shut this mouth
The stones you throw can make me bleed
But I won't stop until we're free
Wild hearts can't be broken
Wild hearts can't be broken
This wild heart can't be broken

Fear

I wrote  about fear the other week when I was getting ready to announce my book being published and available for purchase. I touched on the concept of fear, but I knew that I had to just get out and say what I needed to say about my book and I didn’t go into depth on the fear aspect. Since then I’ve had lots of thoughts on it and I thought it was time to share.

Fear is paralyzing. There is no other way to put it, it will stop you dead in your tracks. No matter what you think it is huge. When you allow your mind to buy into the fear and except it as a valid fear you are just feeding it. By feeding it, the fear grows bigger and bigger in your mind. Honestly, you have to get to the point of saying I’m not going to let this fear rule me and rule my decisions, my beliefs, thoughts and actions. You have to say, “I’m scared senseless but I am going to do it anyway.” You have to say, “damn the fears” and go full steam ahead.

With that said, Those fears that have paralyze me? The ones that I have faced? When I faced them, it turns out that those fears were silly!!!  I conquered them all like a champ and nothing bad happened!!  I was really proud of myself actually.   And...I was also chagrined to remember how huge these fears had become in my mind!  Seriously!!!

This mountain bike thing is one of those instances where fear threatens to overtake me. I’m afraid of hurting myself. I am not naïve enough to think that I’m never going to go down on one of these mountain bike trails… And by go down I mean wreck. Slowly though, I have noticed something. I will be out on a trail and well maybe not handling it like a champ, I am holding my own at least. But then I allow my fear overtake me. And that is the exact minute that the bike ride becomes difficult. That is the exact moment that I began to struggle with the ride!  The fear paralyzes me and convinces me that I can’t do it. No I’m not saying if I was fearless that I could handle every feature on a trail, quite the contrary I know my limitations. However, when the fear takes over in my mind it diminishes the skills that I do have.

Fear is a crazy thing. We all face here at one time or another. The question is this, are we going to push through and conquer or we going to shrivel up and let that fear BD hindrance that makes our life not as full and complete as it could be.

Courageous Lion: fighting fear

I was recently reminded to be fearless.  It  wasn’t said to me in the realm of weight loss, but it still nailed me on the head pretty squarely.  I was reminded about how I have let my fears hold me back so many times.  I don’t lose weight because of my fears.  I lose weight because of my fears.  I allow my fears to stop me from doing things that would be healthy for me, emotionally and physically.   I can quickly drown in my fears and I don’t want to be like that!

 

Let me start by talking about what sparked my thoughts about fears this week.  At my job we have recently started a “huddle” in the mornings before it gets busy.  Each person has a few minutes to present something to the team.  We are encouraged to be creative.  I like to bake, so for my last inspirational moment, I shared a quote and provided cookies. One girl wrote a poem for the team, we’ve played games, eaten donuts, drank virgin mimosa’s and been given candy.  The other day there was an inspirational thought that we have to believe we can do it and be it ..that is the first step to success .  The presenter then handed around a basket with some candy in it.   (A  Three Musketeer if you are interested in knowing…and yes, I love Three Muskateers so yes, I ate it!)  The candy was wrapped in a slip of paper.  When we unraveled our paper to get to our candy we received a word.   That was what we were to strive to be.   My word?  

 

Fearless!

 

WOW.  The presenter couldn’t have planned that one better.  I have long struggled with fear!  It can be debilitating!   Many times I have allowed fear to keep me from doing something.  Many other times I find myself paralyzed with fear, but I force myself to do it and low and behold I survive…and find that it wasn’t bad.  And what’s even better?  When I push through my fear, I come out so much stronger!  I did this when I flew by myself for the first time many years ago.  I wasn’t afraid of flying, but going by myself scared the dickens out of me.   I wanted to see my brother and his family bad enough, I did it!  I look back now and ask, Why was I even fearful?   I was petrified of running a race with no one there.  I begged people to run with me. I begged people to go spectate.  But to no avail.  I almost didn’t go because of my fear.   I’m so glad I did it...it’s my best run to date!!

There was also a time when I realized that I was totally afraid to lose weight.  I wore my excess pounds around me like an armor.   I used my weight as an excuse for everything.  “Oh, I didn’t get that promotion because I am overweight.”  “I can’t do that because, well…because I’m overweight.”  Things that didn’t go right in my life?  It was obviously because I was overweight!  Right?  Absolutely not, but in my warped sense of thinking I certainly believed it.  “My ex-husband cheated on me, didn’t love me, etc …it was obviously because I was overweight.”  Seriously, I believed it!   Excess weight was a convenient scapegoat.  And I wore it around me like an armor.    How so?  Well, if I lost the weight…would I have to face the truth?  Would I have to face the truth about my marriage. (Well that should have been done a lot earlier!)  Would I have to face the truth about my capabilities?  Why yes, I would….and I didn’t like it.  I was so afraid of losing because then I would lose that safety net….I would lose that excuse for why my life wasn’t what I wanted it to be!

I figured out the fear. Or so I thought.  I lost the weight.  I faced my fears.  I took responsibility for my errors and stopped blaming everything on my weight, even when I regained!

So why in the world did this single word on a piece of paper throw me for a loop?  Why did I feel like I was going to cry every time I looked at the slip of paper?  Why indeed?   The fear has crept back into my life.

In my weight loss journey ....I fear I will fail.  So I sabotage myself...and thus I DO fail!   I have other fears too...some pertaining to weight loss but most not, and I let these fears rule me!

How does one stop allowing fear to rule their life?  In my experience it really is just recognizing that this fear is irrational and forcing myself to do it..even as my knees quake and nock together with fear!!!

Now is the time!  It’s time to stop dreaming, kick those fears in the arse and start living!!!!

Happy Father’s Day!!!!

I miss you daddy!

Trust the plan

For the last week or two I have actually been feeling very positive about where I am with my eating, where I am with my exercise and where I’m going with my weight loss journey. I’m feeling stronger, more empowered and honestly more capable of once again completing this task of losing weight. So it came as a complete shock to me during the last week to be paralyzed with fear.

Let me backtrack, the plan that I am currently working with for my weight-loss efforts involves a balancing act. I’m not giving up anything… I’m balancing. I know for me right now deprivation is not going to work. So I’ve devised a plan that actually is working for me. Slowly, but surely. Honestly it really is a fine line. I am still eating a sweet treat most nights. This could blow up in my face really really quickly and easily. I have tried to set up a check system so that I don’t eat the sweet treats when I shouldn’t, but it really is a crapshoot. Why am I willing to take this risk? I think the biggest reason is because for me it gives normalcy. Normal is what I’m striving for. I don’t want to live a life where I’m constantly stressed about my food choices.  And let’s face it, for the first time in a long time I am excited about this journey.

Enter the fear. It started last week, the one day that I did not earn my steps but still ate the sweet treat. I laid in bed that night wailing and gnashing my teeth in fear that I had gained weight from my little bobble. OK, maybe that was a little melodramatic… A lot melodramatic! But in all seriousness, I was worried. I was starting to see movement on the scales in the right direction and I didn’t want to upset that progress. It turned out OK though. (In fairness I didn’t totally go off track and I got right back on track the next day.)

On Monday I wrote about the weekend  I wrote about my hunger on Sunday that lingered into Monday causing my calorie counts to go a little bit higher than I wanted them to be. Enter the fear. I worried! I really worried.

On Tuesday morning I stepped on the scale for a little check of my weight. I looked down and saw the number and let out a sigh of disgust. On one hand, I was happy because it was a maintain from a week earlier. But on the other hand I was disgusted because it was a maintain for the week and a gain for the weekend.  What happened to all of my effort from the previous week. There was nothing I could do other than move forward. I had already figured out why I was so hungry those days and in doing so had pinpointed the problem, which means I know how to correct it for the future. There really was nothing else I could do but move forward.

I moved through my Tuesday with a smile on my face. And while I ate my sweet treat, I wasn’t worried about it because I had met the criteria that I had set aside a couple weeks back for eating a sweet treat at night. In the back of my mind I wondered if I wasn’t a bit dehydrated though, I drank  the same amount of liquid at work… But almost immediately I had to pee constantly. In my experience whenever I start drinking after being dehydrated I pee a lot to get rid of the water that I was retaining. I refused to think about it deeply and just kept moving forward.

Wednesday dawned and a new day, a new chance to step on the scale. I was so relieved to see the lower number on the scales this morning.. My effort from last week is back! Hallelujah! While I was in the shower one thought kept going through my head… Trust the plan.

Trust the plan? If you have a solid plan in place for weight loss, the wait is going to come off. A slight aberration in the plan is not going to derail you. Trust the plan.

On Monday night I set out running clothes and set my alarm for 30 minutes earlier. I must’ve been insane! But, when that alarm went off I rolled out of bed through all my clothes and headed outside for a run. I got out there and it was misting… Not a full rain thank heavens. I didn’t let that mist stop me. I ran anyway! I was wearing my glasses, and they fogged up something horrible. I push them up on my head and kept running. I did it!



About the glasses… Yes I’m pretty blind without them. I was able to see and stay on the sidewalk and when I had to cross the road I could see that there were no cars there for sure. So in that regard I was safe. However if there was some stalker or person out to do me harm hiding behind a tree… I wouldn’t have seen them. For example as I approached a street corner I saw what looked like a tree or somethingand then the tree moved. A quick flip down at my glasses revealed that it was a person walking their dog that had stopped to let the dog do their business. Yeah that’s how my run went. Never a dull moment. 

Luckily my work break walks were serene!!

It’s hump day today… And today, I’m just trusting my plan.

Ready, Set, Go!

The new year is here!   I started out the year strong.  I started out with running a 5k this morning.  It was the last 5k that I had to run to complete the trilogy of holiday 5k's that I had committed to completing.  These were set up as virtual events.  (although my Thanksgiving 5k was an actual organized Turkey Trot).  

Seriously, what was up with my head band.......

While I was running this morning I was actually thinking about riding my bike.  Last year I rode my bike.  I enjoyed it...but stayed to pretty much the same route.  I pushed through the first (dare I say awful) few rides on my new bike.  I got to the point where I was out riding.  I rode and I'm not going to say that it was all easy....but I will say that I was out there.  Yet I hesitated to leave my normal route.  I hesitated to hit the open road.  I struggled.  Today I figured out exactly what was the problem?   I was afraid.  I was afraid that I would come upon a hill that I couldn't climb.  I was afraid that I would get a flat tire.  I was afraid that I would get too far from home and get so tired I couldn't make it home.  Looking at it realistically (and of course it helped that I was far removed from either of my bicycles at the time) I am once again blown away at how irrational fear really is.  So what if I can't climb a hill....I walk.  No, I don't want to walk and I've pushed myself up hills, slow as molasses sometimes but I pushed myself up every hill I came across.   If I get a flat tire....well that is rough.  I know HOW to change a tire, but I have issues with changing them.  (my brother did give me a lesson...but I still struggled to get that darn tire back on).  But seriously, even if I get a flat....is it the end of the world if I have to call for a ride???  And even more unrealistic.....if I run out of steam....there are two options...calling fora ride but in all reality I'm pretty darn sure that I would find a store of energy deep within myself.   Once again it turns out my fears are totally irrational.    So what do I do with this knowledge??   The first chance I get (once I get my legs back under me on my bike) when the weather gets warm....I head down a road that I don't know and I RIDE!

Go big or go home

I started this interview for the paper without really thinking about what I was doing and committing to. I wrote a short synopsis of my weight loss journey and sent it via email to the reporter without any real thought.   By the time the next round of questions came flying back to me I had started to seriously think about this. Wow….I’m putting myself out there BIG TIME.  Uhhh yeah, like my highest weight and my current weight and my goal weights.  My failure of regaining…my original success, it was all there.   I need to admit, I panicked a bit about the prospect about putting it all out there on the line.  Weight loss is such a personal subject.  Then I reminded myself of a vow I made on my blog many many years ago. I vowed to myself that I would be true, raw and open about my struggles, my journey and my efforts.  I’d like to think that I have maintained that promise of integrity with this blog.  Once I remembered that promise that I made to myself, I went forward with answering the deeply personal questions.

I’m not going to say that I haven’t had moments of misgiving about it, but I’ve been comfortable with everything.  That is I was comfortable with it UNTIL it really hit me that I had agreed to not only a story but a photograph.  Uhhh this won’t be too bad will it?   I waited for the call to set up the appointment and finally it came.  I don’t know why I was such a num-nut and didn’t realize that they would want a picture of me actually at zumba (since the tie in was zumba)…but of course that’s what they wanted.  And that is where my next big decision came in.  Dress in baggy clothes or in my tighter fitting (albeit absolutely comfortable) workout clothes.  I go back and forth at zumba in what I wear but typically running I wear the tighter clothes.   Decisions decisions decisions…..I hate them!  Most of my baggy shirts are logo teeshirts that I’ve picked up here and there so I decided to go with real workout gear…..even though it is form fitting.   Go big or go home.  Nervous wreck, but it is done. Photographer showed up and took the pictures and for better or worse it’s done.  Now I just need to wait for the story to be published (if it gets published and not pushed by something else).

Go big or go home.   Shouldn’t that be my goal in life? Shouldn’t we always be aiming for the biggest and best??  Pushing ourselves to our max in an effort to get the most out of life?   I want to live big and have no regrets!

So last night at Zumba I made a colossal error.  I didn’t realize it until this morning when I tried to get out of bed.  What was the error?  Well in a fit of vanity, I decided to forego taping my foot.  Yes, it was vanity because I KNEW I was going to be photographed and I didn’t want the KT tape showing in the picture.  Pure vanity, I know!  In the past months since this plantars fasciitis thing has reared it’s ugly head in my life, I’ve questioned the validity of the KT tape.  I will question no more. Zumba without taping my foot came back to haunt me this morning.    I could barely step on that heel so I quickly taped the foot and while it didn’t take the pain away, it eased it up a bit so I could walk somewhat normally.  (That is without a hobble that Todd says makes me look like I’m doing the hokey pokey AND without groaning with each step).

My calories have been right around the range of calories that I set up as my budget (1200-1300 daily).  I’m not anal about being exactly spot on.  I just aim to be close. (close as within 100 calories is good for me).

I also got the information about the Turkey Trot in Hagerstown.  I’m in!  I need to round up my peeps to see who I can convince to join me!  This will help motivate me to run regularly.  Maybe I can knock some time and set a PR!!!  (We shall see about that!)

Scaredy cat

I ended my last blog post with a line.  It was a simple line.  "I think there has been an athlete lurking under all my fat and she just may be trying to emerge."   I wrote that line, then deleted it.  I wrote it again and deleted it again.  Back and forth I went.     Seriously?  I wrote about my emotional stress that led to me not working out and to a small binge in that post.  I didn't care, I had no problem writing about it.  I wrote about my frustration with the rate of my weight loss and my conclusions as to why that could be....totally my fault.   I had no second thoughts about sharing that.  But I worried and stressed over sending the little stinkin' line that said that The athlete that had been lurking under the fat was being set free.  Why?

Why indeed?  Why would something as benign as that worry me.  Before I could second guess myself, I put it into the post and hit send.  After I had sent my post live I started to REALLY think about why it bothered me.

I've never been an athlete.  Well unless you consider a little girl in the early 80's who rode her bike up and down the road and pretended she was either Ponch or John from the tv show the Chips. (no, I can't remember if I was Ponch or John....isn't that sad?).   It was a passing fad.  My brother can verify that fact, he saw first hand how unathletic I was on many occasions.  At some point (midway through my high school years) he decided that his sister would be a great riding partner.  I was game (he probably bribed me to go!) and went along.  We went up and down roads.  It seemed to go on forever.  I was so tired.  It was an endless ride.    It was hot (seriously, we lived in Florida).   And did I mention that this ride was never ending?   I contend that I was just resting my forearms on my handlebars for a rest and lost my balance.  My brother says that I was simply going so slow up a slight grade that I couldn't stay balanced.  Believe who you want.....(ME ME ME). it was not a shining moment   OK OK OK, I will admit that I was going very slow and that I was NOT enjoying this hellishly long ride that he took me on.  (shhhh looking back we were probably not even 2 or 3 miles into the ride...but I'm not going to admit that!).     But anyway, my walk down memory lane just proves that athleticism and the name MaryFran didn't go hand in hand. As a side note, it took me about 10-15 years to get back on a bike (well, I did get back on that day, I rode like the wind to get home and clean the pebbles out of my knee!..but when I got off that bike I never once got back on it!) 

So I've never been an athlete.  So was that my issue with that sentence?  I'm not an athlete.  I'm a girl who is learning to like some forms of exercise.  Or maybe I should say I'm a girl that is learning to enjoy the challenge of pushing her body into zones and areas it has never been to.   But still, saying that out loud doesn't bother me...so why the indecision?

And then it hit.  It's fear.  (damn fear!)   Fear.  Oh yes, my frenemy and a frequent topic to this blog.  You see, if I put it down and admit that the athlete is emerging, then how will I feel in a year if I've turned back into a fat couch potato?    If I admit it then I will be the laughing stock if I fail.  I don't want to be a laughing stock.  I HOPE that this is a new lifestyle for me that lasts for the rest of my life, but seriously....what if it's not.  I'm 40 years old.  I have 40 years of bad habits pulling at me.  (well, except for my brief stint as Ponch or John!). I could and probably will slip in the future. I'm afraid of failing at this new lifestyle.   Fear of failure is a huge things with me.  But then I have to tell myself..... There is nothing to be afraid of.  All I can do is be true to myself and I will be fine!

  Fear is a debilitating thing.  Intrinsically I knew that I had to leave that 'scary' line in my blog post because I'm facing one fear at a time and knocking the fear out of the ballpark!

This newly minted athletic girl has stared this fear in the face and has decided that she will enjoy every day of this lifestyle that she is building.  If I slip...I will face it with my head held high knowing that even if I fail in the future that I have asked my body to do amazing things and my body responded favorably and I did things that I NEVER thought I could.   Fear is not allowed.....PRIDE is welcome!

Slapping Fear Silly

Well, my next 5k is tomorrow.  Paws on the Pavement to benefit the humane society in my county.   I'm as ready as I'm going to be.  I probably shouldn't have come home today and cleaned so vigorously.  My legs are aching.  Oops.  Oh well..that's life. And I wanted to try to to have a clean house to start off our 10 days of vacation.   But back to the race tomorrow.   I'm nervous.  Not about running.  No, I will run as much and as hard as I can.  I will walk at a fast clip if I have to.  I'm not worried about that.  I am not nervous about reaching my goal that I set for myself (to run it in under 40 minutes). I know that according to the time on all my training runs that I won't make the goal. I'm still hopeful, but I'm not stressed about it.  I would LOVE to make that goal.  But  I will be happy if I get a better time than my previous 5k's.  But you know what.  I'm going to do it and be happy that I'm out there doing it.

So what makes me nervous and freaked out?   Doing it by myself.   Yes, isn't that totally irrational and stupid?  I admit it, it is asinine!!  I'm excited about my run.   However, the excitement at running this 5k (and if my dreams our met reaching a goal I've been working toward) is tempered with the fear of doing it alone.  (yeah, alone in a crowd ha ha ha).   I know in my mind that this is irrational.  What is going to happen to me because I'm alone???? Nothing.  I know this.  Yet this fear still overtakes me.  Why am I this way?????   I don't like it.

Ready or not...I'm facing this irrational fear tomorrow.  Would I have had more fun if I had a friend or two with me?  Possible....but that wasn't an option for this run and I'm OK with that. I'm still doing it and I'll come out on top at the end.....proud of myself for doing it...for accomplishing my run....for everything.

There is no room in my life for fear and I will banish every stupid fear when the opportunity arises!

The good, the bad and the ugly

My weight is still way up.  I seriously can't get enough water into my body.  I am stinking thirsty all the time.  So I KNOW why my weight is up.  (not only do I have to combat the super high sodium meals I've eaten of late....but it's the monthly ick time...which makes my weight pop up anyway!)  I'm OK with it.  Even though it is showing me at a 3 pound gain this week.  I was showing a maintain until the high sodium foods hit my table.  It's all good.  Life happens.




The other day I stopped to pick up a sub (sandwich) to take to Todd while he was at work.  I ordered one for my dinner also.  (No worries, I had the calories to eat it!).  I stood there waiting for the food to be ready and I found myself drooling staring at the tasty cake shelf.  I was super hungry.  It was 3:30 or 4PM and I hadn't eaten lunch yet.  I wanted to dive onto that shelf and eat to my hearts content.  In lieu of that, I REALLY wanted to get something off that shelf.  In years past I wouldn't have even stopped to pause, I would have added at least one thing to my purchase, most likely two.  I stood there and realized how very far I have come, it made it easy to walk away and say no.  The victory was mine that day as I walked out of the store with simply the two subs that I had ordered and nothing more!

Yesterday I was driving down the road.  I was occupying my mind by thinking about running.  I've been running (really it's more of a wog  a cross between a walk and a jog) for 2 months now.  It's not been a magical journey where I fell in love with the process.  It's painful....not so much physically (guess I was in better shape than I thought) but emotionally.  I have made the commitment to run through August 9th.  So I have four more months to fall in love with the sport.  But seriously, that's a long time.  Yesterday my thoughts ended up with one sentence that kept going through my head.  "Would it be quitting if I didn't run through the August 9th do or die date?"   I posed the question later to my brother and his family when they stopped by to visit.  My 12 year old nephew looked at me and said "Yeah, MaryFran!  That is totally quitting!"   So I guess I continue to run. I've quit at so much in my life.  If I want to change, it needs to be enacted!   Praying for some running love to hit me.  Right now it's just a little bit of running hate. 

Meanwhile, I'm looking forward to zumba restarting this week after a weeks break.   Even bigger news,  Sherry and I have committed to following Jillian Micheal's 30 day shred video.  We are both prepared to start tomorrow on April 1 (no that is not an April fools day joke) and complete it this month. (what a coinky dink...30 day shred and April has 30 days!).  It's going to be a busy month with zumba 2-3 times a week.  Running 3 times a week.  Thirty day shred every day and walks with sherry as many times as possible.  Ohhh and bike season is beginning so add some bike rides in there. 


SO my big thing for putting myself out there?  I have started a facebook page for my weight loss efforts.  I wanted it to be believing in myself to match my blog but alas that name was taken, so it is Believing in maryFran.  I haven't invited family yet...I'm only slowly inviting friends...and I"m picking and choosing right now.    But I know it's only a matter of time before I"m 'found out'  So ready or not, I'm announcing to the world exactly where I'm at.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  Please feel free to like my page.  https://www.facebook.com/BelievinginMaryFran   I'm kinda planning it to be a cross between my journey, recipe links and inspirational things that I find.  Motivation for me and hopefully motivation for others. 

Dehydrated Friday

I woke up thirstier than a camel.  I've been downing water like a mad woman.  My water mug/jug holds 54 ounces.  I've already had to refill it once (in fairness there is ice in it so I didn't drink 54 ounces already this morning upon editing this an hour or two later I've definitely chugged at least 54 ounces and it's not quite noon).   I'm however not surprised.  One glance at myfitnesspal makes it glaringly clear.  I ate food that was so  high in sodium that it's ridiculous.  Mexican Chicken soup is so tasty, but a bit high in sodium!    I don't usually watch sodium and I know that it will correct itself (with lots of water intake) so I'm not concerned. 

Today won't be much better.  My sodium intake for today is rather steep also.  (Probably because I'm having leftover Mexican Chicken Soup for lunch...and quite possibly dinner).   I tried a new recipe this morning.   I am calling it the Sausage Ring of fire.  OK, the "of fire" is my own addition, just because I'm a bit of a geek.  ~~giggling~~  OK OK OK, I'm simply calling it a Sausage Ring.  It is a bit too 'meaty' for me.  The meat flavor was to heavy for a gal that prefers to go meatless.  However, I thought it was still good.  Todd absolutely loved it.  He actually said it rivals his all time favorite breakfast.  So I guess I'll be making it again. 

Yesterday I didn't plan as well as I thought.  We ended up eating lunch really early, 10:30 AM.  That in itself is not an issue.  The issue is that I didn't plan on eating anything until dinner......which ended up not being until about 8:30.  Uhhhh in case you didn't catch that...  I went about 10 hours without any food to eat.  I realized my mistake at about 3 or 4 PM.  I scrounged around in my drawer at work and found a granola bar.  It was a bit old, but it tasted pretty good.  I was still hungry but that held me until my late dinner.  Of course I chowed down like a starving pig when I hit the dinner table.  GRRRRRR

 

I'm continuing to work on some other ways to reach out and 'be'.  One of them scares the living doo doo out of me because of how "OUT THERE" it really is.  I've written on this blog for years.  I've been transparently raw.   Some friends and family don't even know I have a blog.  Some people vaguely know I have a blog but have never shown any interest. (However, they could find me should they really look.)  I'm going to take a step that opens myself up even further and opens up this blog in a way that I'm not sure I'm totally ready for.....but my new plan is to live fearlessly.....so here goes nothing.  So there will be more on that soon!

 

Writing may be difficult today....I got a new computer here at work.  Joy of joy's, Word is not installed....uhhhhhh GREAT.  I guess I'll be focusing on adding calorie counts to my website!

 

 

In Like Flynn

I don't have too much to say today.  I just am basically in the mind frame of working to keep moving forward.  I struggle with looking back and saying "I already did this journey once.  I already reached goal once.  I shouldn't be doing this again". I sit back sometimes and say "why did I not do this earlier"   All of those thoughts are negative and self destructive.  It hurts me.  So I'm looking forward and not focusing on the what ifs and should haves.  I'm only focusing on the what is going to be!



My news for the day.....well, I have a 5k that I am registered to run on March 23.  I have thus signed up for another one.  I will be running another 5K on May 18th.  That will be the first day of my vacation...what a great way to start off vacation right???   It is the Paws on the Pavement 5k in Hagerstown, benefiting the Humane Society.  What a great cause!  I'm thinking about working up a tee shirt that honors my kitty cats that I can wear while I run.  (OH my word...I think I know what I'm going to do for my tee shirt!!!   The slogan on the front.....20 paws are better than 4 ....I've got 5 cats of course! The rest will be surprise! Lets just say that I have to look through some pictures and get working in photo shop!)


That crazy fear rears it's head though (don't I have the craziest fears).  I may do this 5k alone.  I know I'll be OK if I'm on my own...but it's just that stupid fear.  I admit, I have a call out for friends to run it with me (sherry.....you can do it!...haa haa haa....ok ok ok, you are not sure that you are going to stay with this running thing, and that is ok. whatever you decide is good with me!) ...started thinking about not registering for it YET because what if no one does it with me.  But then I realized that I was just making excuses in an effort to take the easy way out.  That is NOT how the new MaryFran rolls!   I face things face on right now.  That said, I hope to run it with friends...but no worries.  If I'm alone, so be it!  Ohhh and I have already paid for my registration!  I'm IN like Flynn!

Fear and happiness

I decided that it was time to rejoin the gym.  Todd and I debated about which gym to go to. OK, Todd never debated...I did.  When I originally started the healthy lifestyle thing, we joined Gold's Gym.   We both liked it but we spent a LOT of money each month for the two of us.  After a few years we decided to move to a gym that was  bit closer...thus we tried out South Point Fitness.  It was small and cramped and Todd hated working out there, he said it made him claustrophobic.  We left there and switched to the ultra cheap Planet Fitness.  That wasn't so bad...for a no frills gym, but eventually as money became even more tight we dropped that (plus there was an issue with a worker and Todd that wasn't pretty and Todd complained about the gym the whole time...said he didn't like the vibe).  We went gymless for a while.   We went back to Gold's (which is substantially cheaper now).   And there have already been a few lessons that I would like to share.

Lesson number one.  I was talking to the guy that signed us up.  I mentioned that I was doing the couch to 5k training program and that it was working, I wasn't fast and it wasn't by any means pretty, but I was doing it.   He looked at me and his words were "I think it's splendid, you've already lapped everyone that's sitting on their couch!"    You know....that is totally right!   I sat around for so many months and years of my life and I let myself be lapped over and over again. Why?   Fear kept me down.  I was afraid I would look retarded.  I was afraid I would fail.  I was just afraid.  But you know what....sitting on the couch doing nothing is what I SHOULD have beeen afraid of!  I am up and moving.  There is no way in hell that my actions will hold me back......the only thing that holds me back is inactivity!

Lesson number two wasn't really a lesson, but rather just a thought that flitted through my mind.  Today is  bank holiday, so of course I'm off work.  We decided to head to the gym.  After my workout I went into the locker room.   And that's when I realized.   I don't fear the gym.  I will go and push myself and feel confident that I'm doing my best.  What I fear?  I fear the locker room.  I always chose a locker that's off in  corner and hope and pray that the area will be uninhabited when it comes time for me to change after my workout.   And eii yii yii..the showers???   ~~shudder~~    So today I walked into the locker room.  I set my stuff down and walked over to the sinks so that I could take  look at myself.  You see, I was trying to figure out if I could forgo taking a shower after my workout (when I used to workout at the gym I only showered at the gym once.....fear you know.....even though it's irrational and I know it!) I walked to that mirror THREE times....dreading it.  But I knew that we had some plans and errands after the gym and I really needed to do something......greasy sweaty hair is not a good pretty sight.  After my shower, I started to think about it.  Seriously?  What do I fear?  It's absolutely NUTS!    I'm not going to live my life with irrational fears.  I'm going to push myself and the world better as hell watch out because I'm going to emerge from this cacoon strong and ready to kick ass!
 OK upon rereading this for a quick edit, I just realized that lesson one and two are both me facing my fears.  Interesting.
I've been saying that our happiness has to come from inside and not due to any amount of exercise or weight loss.  I've said it can't come from a job...or a spouse...or material possessions.  It really does come from within.  Apparently George Washington felt the same!

Fear

I am reading the book Becoming Fearless: My ongoing Journey of Learning to Trust God by Michelle Aguilar.   Michelle was the season six winner of the TV show The Biggest Loser.   For the simple fact that I watched Michelle as she went through the show it is interesting.  It is also interesting to get an inside glimpse to the TV show that so many of us watch.   I picked it up for those reasons mainly. (Well and it was offered as a freebie on Amazon for my Kindle.)  But even more so it's interesting because I also find myself mired in fear.

Michelle writes about how one of her fears was letting the world see that she was not perfect.  The fishbowl living that comes with living as a preachers child apparently leaves certain scars deep within.  (Michelle spent many of her formative years living in a family who was deep in Christian Ministry).   Scars is too harsh of a word.  For me it left me with a fear of disappointing those around me when it comes out that I'm not the outwardly perfect person. You see, I was the 'good girl' that didn't rebel and become one of  "THOSE bad preachers kids."  I wasn't an angel by any means, I was a child.  But I it wasn't a rebellion by any means.  I kept the 'perfect child/teenager' show up for the fishbowl life that I lived in.   I still live with that.  The party I as at this past weekend?  I was proud of myself because I drank water and ate only one chocolate covered strawberry.  I chose to not partake due to my focus on my weight, not for any other reason. (I drink...I'll freely admit it.) However, when they were taking pictures of lines of empty bottles and posting it on facebook I was tagged, since I was present.  My first thought was "oh no, people are going to see that and I'm going to be in a hailstorm of negativity."   My perfect "good girl persona" was being tested because it looked like I was drinking...heavily.  Fear clenched within me, because my 'cover was blown'.   I live in fear about being transparent. Maybe it's time to face it...... So here goes......my marriage is in trouble...big trouble.  We also made some bad financial decisions  and we are struggling financially.  I'm not perfect.....life is tough.  I have problems in my life.  I know that these problems contribute to my weight problems because it is exhausting and overwhelming to smile when your heart is breaking.  It is disabling to act like nothing is wrong when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and forget.

 I'm not perfect.  I'm tired of pretending that life is one happy party. (although this blog has been one place where I had already opened up)   It's only hurting me....

The thought of the fear though.  It makes me begin to wonder if I'm afraid of losing weight.  Does fear keep working as a sabotaging tool for me?  I have been overweight for three quarters of my life.  It's what I know.  I loved how I felt when I lost weight, but the world was so new and different.  Fear of the unknown...it's a terrible thing. Is fear keeping me from really changing within.

My only thought about this is to accept that there will be change.  There is unknown.  I am going to face it head on.  Last year I traveled by myself for the first time EVER.  Fear gnawed at me.  I knew it was a stupid fear so I ignored it and carried on.  Of course I was fine.....I had known it would be, even as I was wracked with fear.  That is how I plan on carrying forward.  I'm going to acknowledge that I have fear in my life.  But I'm going to also acknowledge that most of my fears are unfounded and carry forward.  Fake it till I make it!

Mental journey

This weight loss thing right now is becoming soley a mental journey. I can say its mind over matter as many times as I want...or as long as want...as loud as I want. But until I figure out what's going on in my mind...this weight is not goign to budge.

Why am I struggling so much. I plan what I'm going to do for eating.....and yet I do the exact opposite. I had someone tell me "just don't have bad stuff in your house" Well, I don't have bad stuff in my house....per say, yet I have flour sugar and all the ingredients to make bad stuff. Even if I resist that, even the healthier stuff....if you eat it like it's the last time you'll ever have it.....in other words like a pig, then even the healthy stuff becomes unhealthy.

Why do I have such plans and motivation...but my willpower just can't get going? What is missing in this motivation/willpower connection. I've been pondering and have set aside some time today to really think about this deeply.

Am I afraid to lose weight? I'd have to say probably not. I have already surpassed any expectations that I had. I'm thinner now than I have ever been a an adult....so I've already passed that mark into unchartered territory....aka scary territory. I'll admit I cried.....not only tears of joy...but also some of fear. It's more exciting to me as I can shop and move. I know that my self confidence has soared and is still positively increasing. I'm tickled with it. I'm tickled with the changes, that I can go into any store and buy something. I'm still getting used to it in my mind....I dont' feel like I belong in those stores. But regardless, I'm tickled with the change. So I don't think that I'm afraid of losing weight.

Being honest with myself....do I enjoy the attention that losing weight has gotten me? Am I afraid that if I reach my goal I will no longer garnish that attention? The difference in my body is night and day different...and I get huge compliments and lots of attention becuase of it....am I secretly really eating up that attention and subconcioully trying to delay myself from getting to my goal in order to continue on with it? This one is not an easy one to admit...but this could be it? How though....if I continue to lose weight and get to my goal, I'll still be there...and it will still be obvious......my word...I dont' want it to be this reason!!!!!

Am I afraid of my husbands reaction to my 'new body'. I know that Todd loved me when I was big and I know he loves me now that I"m thinner. Am I afraid that if I lose more weight that I'll not be attractive to him. Obviously he has no problem being attracted to a big girl....but what about a thin girl? I honestly don't think there is a problem because while he is always very careful about his compliments....he seems very happy with the new me. He's very careful becuase when he does comment on my 'new body' he says that he doesn't want me to feel that he only loves me this way.....he loves/ed me both ways. In fact, he's looked at old pictures of me...some of my 'fat pictures' and shudders at how I looked in comparison to now. So I know he is happy with my changes....and he is more worried right now that I'm falling off the wagon and that i'll gain it back..........ohhhh could I be worried, weirdly enough that he wouldn't love me if I gained it back???? HMmmmmmm

I just don't know. I do know that right now I'm not fighting a battle with cravings or desires or anything like that...I'm fighting a full out mental battle and I have no idea how to attack.

Enough on the weight. Last night Todd and I ate the seven layer salad that I had prepared on Sunday evening. It was good. Todd was quiet about it so I wasn't sure what he was thinking. BUT this morning he was like, "is there anymore of that "seven stuff' that we had for dinner. When I said yes, he was like "Good, I'll have some for lunch today" So I guess that means that he liked it! After dinner I cleaned up and made and put together a perogi casserole for dinner tonight. Now that's a good meal! Todd will put it in the oven and have it piping hot for when I get home at 8PM. I'll probably throw peas or some such vegetable in a pan to have with it...and probably quickly slice some strawberries and put ff cool whip over the top to finish off the meal. And what a good meal that will make!

I love to bake...so last week (was it Friday or Saturday) I decided to make biscotti for Todd. He loves biscotti.....I don't particularly care for it so I thought it would be a grand thing to make...something that I don't particularly like. (I usually don't like it because it's way too dry...I like moist and chewy things). Well..unfortunately, I found that I do like the biscotti uncooked dough...and the biscotti between it's two bakings...I like that.....uhh yeah, and apparently I do like homemade biscotti! DRAT.

So last night I decided to try again. I found a recipe for Blue Cheese muffins. I had found blue cheese on sale...and i had a coupon so i got a great deal...and thereby just happened to have some in the fridge..perfect! PLUS, I hate blue cheese...so there would be no tempation for me to eat any right? I made them. They smelled pretty good while they were in the oven. Immediately after coming out they smelled good...so I had one. Yep, I still hate bluecheese. But I gobbled that whole muffin...down the hatch it went. Then I went and played on the xbox some....I was laying there and this smell started to just waft through the house.......it took me a while to truely identify the smell.....it was those muffins....the whole house stank to beat the band! It was terrible!!!! I had to pitch them out...and even take out the garbage bag that they are in. Todd came home during this drama and he was like......EWWW this house reeks! Oh well......we win some, we lose some!

Tomorrow, if the weather is nice, we may go down across the river from Harpers Ferry and hike up Maryland Heights. It will be an uphill climb....which may be rough on my knees...but I want to try it. We are also going to go to lowes and get a mower, a wood chipper and hopefully the stuff to build a shed for our garden stuff and some storage! Exciting stuff eh? If the weather doesn't co-operate, then we will probably end up going to the gym instead of the hike....which in reality makes more sense because Lowes and Harpers Ferry are in two opposite directions from where we live! If we end up going to the gym....we'll get home earlier than if we end up going down to do the Maryland Heights hike....I want to pick up the paint for the outside (I'm going to paint the outside white...and have green trim) and for my screened in porch....which I'm also going to paint white. If we go to the gym, I'll probably get home earlier....so I'm thinking that I'll start painting the porch. My reasoning...the stuff we are ordering from Lowes...goign to have it delivered.....we are also ordering indoor outdoor carpet for our screened in porch! I can't wait to get my round outdoor glass topped table on that porch......especially since spring is just around the corner! PLUS I WANT MY GRILL brought over. Todd and i have typically always used our grill heavily..but it's still at the other place...and with it getting warmer I'm getting antsy for it! But that's just moving it.....I want to get that back enclosed porch done!