Self inflicted pain

Why do I do it to myself?  Seriously!

I have a love hate relationship with the scales.  I used to be a proponent of daily weighing (and I will probably do that again when I am at my goal weight...to keep myself focused).  But this go round, I'm sitting back and trying to take the pressure off the number. So once a week is what I'm trying to do. I admit that I sneak a peak here and there, but I'm for the most part trying to stay away from the scales because I don't want to obsess.  This past weekend I decided to move my weigh in day until Sunday.  I had originally been emailing weights out to a Sunday challenge and also a Monday challenge...and I was using my Monday challenge as my official weight.  But the Monday challenge has folded and while the group is still around and making small noises, the Monday weigh in has sunk into the pits of oblivion.  Not a problem.  So I decided to make Sunday my official.  I weighed on Sunday.  I showed a loss! In fact, I hit my next 10 pound goal! (new charm is ordered for my charm reward bracelet already).  21 pounds gone since January 1.  (83.2 pounds total from my highest).  I stayed away from the scales on Monday...no problem.  This morning though.  I don't know what possessed me.  First of all I was dressed (Yes, I weigh in the nude!) and secondly I had tacos last night.  Do you know how much sodium is in the taco seasoning alone??????   My weight was up...substantially  My heart sank and I'm fighting off the spiraling negative thoughts.  I don't want another week of 'maintain'. I want to lose again.  I want to blow this weight out of the water.  And I'm depressed about seeing the higher number again.  GRRRR      But that is all self destructive.  If I allow myself to wallow in the NUMBERS I will begin to believe that I can't do it.  I KNOW I can.  This journey really is won in the  mind.  


Exercise today was scheduled to be a run this morning and zumba this evening.  I woke up and Todd wanted/needed breakfast at about 7:30.  I would have had to go out running at 6 or 6:30 this morning in order to eat first...I won't make the mistake of running after I eat twice) I would have been fine..but that early scared me.  Slipping on ice is NOT conducive to health.  So I postponed my run until tomorrow morning. (meaning I'll have two back to back runs, but that's OK also).  I wallowed a bit in my depressive thoughts about the number on the scale...but then I said "screw that" and I got up. (enough time and passed and I knew that I could get in a 1/2 hour exercise...just not enough time to get out and run) I dug out my steps and the original step aerobic DVD that I purchased years upon years ago.  I had religiously done step aerobics at one point during my original weight loss efforts but I eventually put it aside and never came back to it. Today was the day to resurrect step aerobics.  I set everything up and I was rolling stepping.  I have to say...I was sweating it up and my legs were feeling it!  I love that feeling (yeah yeah, I'm sadistic!)   Amazing....I remember when I stopped doing the DVDs that my body thought they were easy.  I love changing up exercises just for that purpose!  I of course had an audience while I exercised.....and I had to clear out the kitties who wanted to check out the steps and play around the steps!  But I got in 30 minutes of good exercise this morning (and low and behold....my calories burned are fantastic for step aerobics!)

I'm not really sure how I want to integrate the scales into my life this go round.  The obsession to check my weight is too great to ignore. I know this.  I just have to make my obsession (I never was one to weigh throughout the day...just once...in the morning) coexist in a peaceful way with my psyche.  Maybe it WOULD be better if i weighed daily again.  At least then I would be seeing a TRUE number instead of these stupid 'bobbles' that I am catching a glimpse of!  

Choices

    We have choices within our lives.  So many choices.  We make choices each and every minute and every hour.  The choices that we make show our character and commitment.  I am making choices that will propel me down a path of healthy lifestyle.                                                             Part of my system that I have adopted for this journey is that I sit down (usually in the evening) and plan out my eating for the following day.  That way when I wake up there is little or no confusion about what I am eating or what I am to put into my lunch box.  I know the plan.  That is not saying that there is no room for change.  There is.  But for the most part I have it all planned.  Yesterday was no different. I sat down and planned out my food for today in the evening.  I planned what I would be eating.  I was on top of it. I knew that I would be about 50-100 calories over, but I wasn't bothered.  Monday nights are a zumba night and I earn a ton of calories in an average zumba hour.  NO PROBLEM.

So this morning I woke up and I went into the kitchen.  I made the planned breakfast for Todd and I.  I packed his lunch, I prepped a bit for dinner (it's a zumba night so that means I'll be back late and it's nice to have some of the prep work completed before hand) and I put my lunch together.  As I was doing all this I realized that I had forgotten to put a huge component from one of my meals into myfitnesspal.  A 150 calorie mistake.  that would put me 250 plus calories over my daily budget. (I try to not use too many of my earned calories.  I eat no more than 100 of my earned calories.  I just don't lose if I do....that's the way my body works.)  I pondered what I wanted to do.  Each meal was halfway made so it would be somewhat difficult to switch directions in mid stream. I carried on with the preparations as planned, including that all so important component.  I had made my choice.


What choices did I have?  
I had the choice to scrap the food totally (thereby wasting money and food)

I had the choice to throw up my hands and eat the additional calories and act like nothing was out of line.

I had the choice to add a bit more exercise into my day to EARN the additional calories. 

Choices.  So important in life.

Yes, I got on the exercise bike and rode 30 minutes which netted me enough calories to just barely cover my over expenditure for the day.  

The crazy thing??????  I got to work and realized almost immediately (don't even ask why I realized it it just hit me like a ton of bricks) that I forgot the cheese on my salad...which actually dropped me down 80 calories.  All my stressin' was for naught!     It's all good, an additional spurt of exercise will NOT hurt me!  :-)

Emotion Flare up

Sherry asked me this morning if I'm noticing anything different since I've been doing this running thing. I really thought about it.   Physically, I don't see a difference.  People around me have noticed.  My husband asked me the other day if I was losing weight...because he could see it. (I was happy for the compliment but also shaking my head because what does he think I've been doing with all the healthy food....with all the hours of exercise...constantly logging onto myfitnesspal...haa haa haa).  A coworker also said she noticed my clothes just simply fitting me better and not so tight (which is funnier still because I"m also down a size).   But honestly...I do not see a difference.    The difference I personally see is in my mental state.  Before I started running I was going to give it a try.  I didn't know if it would work.  I wasn't sure of it.  I was just going to attempt.  Somewhere along the way I figured out that I COULD do it.  I had it in me.  There really is an athlete inside me. She's been lurking around trying to come out....I just need to work to set her free.  And I WILL set her free.  That said, Sherry and I talked quite a bit about running.  I'm still not sure that running will be my thing.  I have committed to run through this next weekend when I run a 5k on the battlefield.  I have paid for and committed to run in the Paws on the Pavement 5k on May 18th.  I have also vowed that on August 9th I would run in the Donut Alley Rally.  August 9th will be my determining run/race.  As long as my body cooperates (not including aches and pains), I will be running through August 9th.  At that point I will reevaluate. 

I've been sitting back and thinking about my exercise from last week.  The exercise hell week.  Yes, that exercise that I had to really push myself to do, even through the lethargy and heavy as lead legs.  Why?  I have no conclusive answers.  It could have been just something as simple as my body cycle or it could have been something even more simple as my body was fighting off my husband's cold. (the cold he's had for weeks....and I only hd for 3 days...pays to be healthy and fit!)  It could have been anything.  However, it hit me this morning that last week was a rough week for me emotionally too.  It hit me this morning that the emotions may have played a part in my issues.  I struggled this last week. I struggled with the overwhelming loneliness that is part of my life.  The overwhelming need to be simply held, accepted and supported.  Yes, things that I should be getting in my marriage.  I know they are missing and it bothers me. Last week I wallowed in the sadness.  Last week it got the best of me.  Could that have had something to do with the issues exercising?  I'm not sure.  I don't know how to shake the emotions.  I do know this........I'm pushing through it and I'm NOT GIVING UP!

Lethargy

This past week has been a total lesson in perseverance.  Exercise has not come easily.  I've done it...and I'm proud to say that I did through all the lethargy I managed to  rack up just about 7 hours of exercise between Monday morning and Friday bedtime.  But it was pure will power.  It did not come easily.  It ached, my legs felt heavy and dead.  It was not good.  I took off Thursday from exercise and I was back at it yesterday...just for my run.  Oh my word...I totally fell apart during the run.  I had to stop three or four times and walk.  My breathing got so totally out of whack that I fell apart.  I also attribute my breathing falling apart on some of the lethargy in my legs.  I know that my muscles need good oxygen to be fueled and I know that I was not giving the muscles what they needed (not by choice).

Onward I move though.  I'm taking today off again.  And Tomorrow I'll be back at 'em.   We are going to do a practice 5K because one week from today we will be participating in our 5K.  I've not run a 5k yet.  I've run 2 miles....but not a 5k (which is a hair over 3 miles).  We are OK with what we are doing.  If we have to walk for minute intervals we are OK with it.  We are going to do it...and we know that each time we do do it, we will be bettering ourselves!

Rambling Randomness

I don't have anything to say today.  I know...anyone that knows me in real life is probably wondering if I have a fever because I can usually NEVER not want to talk..  So in lieu of writing a post, I'll write a few bullet points to indicate my day/mood/progress

~  My weight is staying the same.  I'm not seeing my weight go down, so I haven't recouped the gain from last week as of yet.  I'm disgusted but not worried, I'm eating right and doing what I need to be doing.  It will drop.

~ I have a run/jog planned for today.  I just couldn't get moving this morning and then made breakfast.  So I have my clothes and I plan on going immediately following work.  I'm not even going to stop at my house to change...I will change here and go straight to the battlefield to jog (less excuses crop up)

~  My food is on target and has been really good this week. I've been very close to my caloric budge and have exercised and done what I needed to do.

~ My hip is giving me grief.  I've always known that I've had a touch of arthritis in my hip....and it has reared it's ugly head this week.  I'm just going to work to stretch it out keep going.  If I have to slow down my exercise or whatever than I will.  Right now I'm OK.  Health and safety first though.

~  Struggling with a loneliness that is born out of some of the marital issues that I face. It threatens to overwhelm me sometimes and right now is one of them.

~ I'm realizing that I struggle with saying no and standing up for what I want.  I don't want to hurt any ones feelings.  Not sure how I can change...because this truly is a facet of my personality.  I guess as long as I stand up and make sure that my needs are being met and I'm not putting myself low on the totem pole of importance.

Listening

I have been doing great with my eating and exercise this week.  Spot on.  I went to zumba all three nights.  I took a walk on the canal with Todd (until he whined that it was too cold) and I have done my two scheduled runs (Monday and Wednesday...next is scheduled for Friday).   Rockin' it!

The problem?  My exercise this week has been a real struggle.  HUGE struggle. I've done it.  Mondays run was OK...the front end was rough but it did even out and I felt much better toward the back end.  Zumba has been a study of perseverance....mind over matter.  But I've done it.   Last night as I was got to zumba I notice my right hip really bothering me.  I pushed through it.  Eased it down a bit, basically hoping that the movement and stretching afterward would ease it up...and honestly it did help.

I got home last night and I was WHIPPED.  I vowed to make it an easy workout day today...maybe just a walk or a light spin on my exercise bike.  However, I woke up this morning and feel like I was hit by a train.  I'm sore and achy and just plain tired.  GRRRR  So guess what?  This is a day of rest now.   Above all else this journey is about health. And that means that when my body is telling me to stop...that I stop.

The trick?   Knowing when it really is my body or if it's it my brain that is telling me to stop.  You see, my brain sends me these false signals to try to keep me from working out.  My brain doesn't like the fact that I'm so active.   I truly feel as if it is my body this time.  What indicators back it up?  I slept a lot longer than normal and struggled to get up (and only woke up because Todd was shuffling around the house making noise...and then wanted breakfast).  I ache...my body is aching...my hip HURTS...my back is achy...my legs are achy.  I could lay down right now and sleep.  Yeah, this is no brainer......it's a rest day.

Healthy lifestyle OVER foolhardy behavior!  I want to be healthy.  That means that sometimes I need to back off.   This is not a race to the finish line.  It is a shift in thinking.  A shift in how I approach life.  I know that I'm going to be sore (it's been my constant companion of late).  But it also means recognizing when that soreness goes beyond the realm of 'normal' and to then stop and let my body recover.   What does that mean today?  It means that I go easy on exercise.  MAYBE a light walk.  MAYBE a light ride on the exercise bike...but LIGHT being the operative word.   (however right now the thought of doing one of those things makes me literally want to cry)  What else does it mean???    Eating?  Nope, that remains spot on!  No excuse for overeating!

Priorities

Working out.  I do so much better with working out when I schedule it.   Simply saying "Ohhh, I have to run 3 times this week" Is not enough.  I tend to push off the exercise until it's too late and I just throw in the towel.  Luckily for me it is enough right now for me to simply schedule the DAY of my runs.  Saying that I will run on such and such day is enough for now. But I have to keep telling myself that working out is something that should be on the top of my list in priorities. (Being healthy is number one...and notice when I was getting sick I DID skip a zumba and have done so on more than one occasion).  It's making ME a priority! I am a priority!
I was talking to a friend last night after zumba (OK, part of the conversation was before zumba).  We were talking about priorities.  We both want this thin healthy thing with every fiber of our being and consequentially we are pushing ourselves to do it.  She has had to change up her zumba nights a few times in the past two weeks.  Life (in the form of two adorable young girls) has thrown some curve balls at her......girl scouts, basketball, soccer, sickness...you name it.   She has had it thrown at her.  She sacrifices her time for the family that she loves.  In the past she put them first and let her needs fall further down on the list of priorities. Not this time.  She is keeping herself up there at the top of the list amongst those other important things!  She  is striving forth.  She is finding the time to run (she's my running co-conspiritor) and to walk and to get to zumba.  She's finding time to plan her eating and track her food.  She's doing it, on top of all the things she does for the family that she loves..  She has made her health a priority and she will reap the rewards of those choices (she is already reaping them...she's running something she couldn't have done a few short weeks ago....she's dropping pounds....she is DOING IT).  The rewards are not just for her though.  She was watching the Biggest Loser with her one daughter.  Her daughter looked at her and expressed her thoughts on her mothers sacrifices.  "You are my inspiration mom".   Her daughter can see the sacrifices and the results that her mother is enacting upon her life.  And what that little girl is seeing and learning from her mother right now, just in observation will stay with her forever. She is learning to take care of herself. She is learning the art of showing love to not only family but also toward herself and making both coexist together.    Talk about huge rewards and benefits that my friend is reaping for her new found behaviors!

Zumba rocks on!  Anita is a fun instructor.  You just smile in her classes.  My eyes are automatically drawn to her socks.  Last night was wearing St. Patricks day socks.  Who knows what it will be tonight. I've tried other leaders....and I've just been spoiled with Anita.  She is top notch!  I worry about the fact that she has hinted about retiring.  :-(     Yes, she is in her mid 60's  And yes, she KICKS MY BUTT every time!

Zumba Socks

In Like Flynn

I don't have too much to say today.  I just am basically in the mind frame of working to keep moving forward.  I struggle with looking back and saying "I already did this journey once.  I already reached goal once.  I shouldn't be doing this again". I sit back sometimes and say "why did I not do this earlier"   All of those thoughts are negative and self destructive.  It hurts me.  So I'm looking forward and not focusing on the what ifs and should haves.  I'm only focusing on the what is going to be!



My news for the day.....well, I have a 5k that I am registered to run on March 23.  I have thus signed up for another one.  I will be running another 5K on May 18th.  That will be the first day of my vacation...what a great way to start off vacation right???   It is the Paws on the Pavement 5k in Hagerstown, benefiting the Humane Society.  What a great cause!  I'm thinking about working up a tee shirt that honors my kitty cats that I can wear while I run.  (OH my word...I think I know what I'm going to do for my tee shirt!!!   The slogan on the front.....20 paws are better than 4 ....I've got 5 cats of course! The rest will be surprise! Lets just say that I have to look through some pictures and get working in photo shop!)


That crazy fear rears it's head though (don't I have the craziest fears).  I may do this 5k alone.  I know I'll be OK if I'm on my own...but it's just that stupid fear.  I admit, I have a call out for friends to run it with me (sherry.....you can do it!...haa haa haa....ok ok ok, you are not sure that you are going to stay with this running thing, and that is ok. whatever you decide is good with me!) ...started thinking about not registering for it YET because what if no one does it with me.  But then I realized that I was just making excuses in an effort to take the easy way out.  That is NOT how the new MaryFran rolls!   I face things face on right now.  That said, I hope to run it with friends...but no worries.  If I'm alone, so be it!  Ohhh and I have already paid for my registration!  I'm IN like Flynn!

drive, heart and focus

Well, I stepped on the scales this morning..  Not the greatest results. Yes I gained.  I'm not going to lie and say that it was all out of my control. It wasn't.  No one force fed me food.  I made the choices.  Some of the choices were more difficult.  Some of the choices were out of my control. (that said I am still the one that made the final choices and decisions about what to put into my mouth).    Am I angry at myself?  No.  Am I disappointed with myself.  Yes.  I'm disappointed because I made poor choices. Why am I not angry with myself?  I am not angry with myself because I realize that it is totally unrealistic to expect myself to eat perfectly every stinkin' day for the rest of my life. It's unrealistic to think that way.  Being strict is just setting up for failure...because life WILL happen.  There will be days where you forget to take your lunch to work.....and unfortunately there will be times when you meet up with a friend for dinner and find out she ate before you get there (well, hopefully that doesn't happen again, but is DID happen)...there will be gymnastic meets and celebratory dinners afterward.  Life happens.  How those circumstances affect me is where this battle is won or lost. The success comes in learning how to recover from a day or two of non strict eating. If you give up...you lose.  If you accept it as a fact of life and move on it only makes you stronger and puts you one step closer to winning the battle.  I accept and I'm hanging on because I refuse to LOSE!  Shazam!

So my weekend was nuts...eating wise it started on Wednesday when I forgot to bring a lunch and ended up partaking of the free lunch my work provided.   It continued on Thursday with me planning on eating out with a friend only to have the friend eat before I got there, which left me shoveling food into my mouth at 10:30PM (I was within my calories but seriously....while eating peanut butter was a treat,  it was not a totally nutritious meal).  Friday night my husband and I went out for Chinese....I don't know what possessed me, but I didn't calculate my calories BEFORE I ordered.  I didn't even calculate my calories after I ordered but before the food arrived.  I didn't calculate my calories until I got home.  Yup....I ate a BUTT LOAD of calories. (It sure was tasty and I don't regret it at all...I got that meal out of my system..I'd been SOOO hungry for it!)  Saturday and Sunday I did pretty good calorie wise, but was woefully lacking on fruits and veggies.  Today?   I've got my day totally planned and I'm rocking it!  :-)

That all said.  I"m determined that spring is here.  So I'm wearing a short skirt to emphasis my declaration.  I was looking in the mirror while I was getting ready.  I really do like my legs.  So muscular and toned.  Just sayin'.  

Saturday I rode down to Ocean City (Berlin, MD to be more specific) with my sister in law and my niece for my nieces gymnastic meet.  So very proud of Ali...she took first place in two events and second place in two events and walked away with first in All around!  She Rocks it!   It is always fun to watch her compete.  She totally loves gymnastics.  From the day that my brother and sister in law put her in an introductory gymnastics class when she was three years old it was her passion. She flipped around the house.  She moved up the ranks into competitive gymnastics.  She loves it.  When they moved, within days she was asking when she could get into a gymnastics gym and join a team.  They had barely unpacked the truck and my sister in law was visiting gyms and signing on the dotted line for my niece to join a gym and to compete with their team.   As I sat there watching the meet a  meet a few things were startling clear to me.

I watched my niece as she competed.  She was doing stuff that struck fear in my heart.....had I been the one that was cartwheeling across a narrow balance beam or running down a runway that is.  She was cool as a cucumber and made it look extremely simple.  It's not simple. She has WORKED for that level of apparent ease.   This 10 year old girl (barely 10 too) puts my measly hours of exercise to SHAME! Yes, remember my bragging recently (ok, I wasn't really bragging) about my 7 hours of exercise in one week?  She is in the gym for HOURS upon HOURS a week.  As a 10 year old.....hours upon hours! I think the commitment for her level is 12 hours.....that does not include the extra hours that she flips around practicing and doing sit ups (stomach muscles need to be TIGHT to do some of these moves).  That does not include the hours that she puts in at these gymnastic meets (the last four weekends straight).  She is committed to this.  She is focused and LOVES it so it is not a hardship.  She just does it.  Do I hear her moan on occasion because she hears that something fun may happen while she is laboring at the gym?  Absolutely.  Does it deter her from going?  NO.  Focus.  She has it.  And she has done incredibly well.   

There are two to three components that my 10 year old niece has in place.  I need to follow her lead.  What are those components?   

1.  Follow your heart.  She loves gymnastics.  LOVES, BREATHES and LIVES it!  Exercise is finding out what makes your heart go pitter patter.  Is it running for me?  I don't know.  Is it biking?  I don't know.  Zumba?   Could be, who knows.  Maybe for me it is a combination of everything. I just know that if you are not totally immersed and happy with what you are doing you will lose interest....lose focus....and lose your drive to do it!

2.  My niece has grown to realize that sore muscles...an aching ankle...even a broken bone are part of life.  Hurting is only a temporary thing.  It doesn't stop her.  So often we as adults stop doing things because it 'hurts' or because we MIGHT get hurt.   But sometimes pain is necessary to progress.  My niece has realized this....she just puts on the ankle brace when it hurts and continues on.  She broke her wrist a few years back yet only missed a practice or two.....she still went and stretched out and did everything possible that she could do.

3.  If you want it.....go after it.  12 hours plus in the gym is a lot for a young child.  My niece is being home schooled again this year...but when she did go to public school she literally would get home from school grab a snack change her clothes and walk right out the door to head to the gym.  She would be there for hours and get home later in in the evening....rush to take a shower, do homework and fall into bed. She packs dinner to eat while she is at the gym.   That is the life she leads (by choice, my brother and his wife do NOT push at all...there is actually very little focus on competition....as long as she is having fun they don't care what scores she gets...although they are very proud when she does well).  She leads it by choice..why?  Because she has a focus. She wants to perfect her moves.  She wants to do things perfectly and accomplish moves that she struggles with. She has a drive that pushes her when she doesn't want to go on. 

Important lessons to learn.  So important!   I want this.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be thin.  I actually want to be athletic.(kinda shocked me to write that!)  So I will not run at the first sign of an achy muscle.  I will not run at the first sign of difficulty or inconvenience.  I will push forward and be willing to work for it.  I will surround myself with activities that I love...activities that will ultimately help me reach my goal!

After the meet, we had just a few minutes to run over to the beach.  My niece had never been to the Ocean (remember they just moved from the mid west...there are no oceans near where they lived...and all vacations were spent visiting family) so we took her the few miles to check it out.  It was so gorgeous...now I'm dying to go back!!

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Indicators of success

I planned my day carefully yesterday.  After my overage on calories due to the craziness of life on Wednesday, I wasn't going to let that happen on Thursday.  So I planned.  I planned carefully because I knew I was going out with friends after work.  I made sure I left enough calories for any eventuality (ie in case the meal I planned to eat was not available for whatever reason and I had to get something else.  I tell you.  I was READY)  I looked forward to my evening out all day.  I got off work at six....and arrived at the location.  My friend  had gotten there early and how polite of my friend......already ordered AND ate.  Seriously?  What freakin' kind of friend does that.  So they were ready to roll onward.  It didn't give me any option...other than being a bitch and saying "I haven't eat...so go ahead, even though I haven't seen you in ages I'm not going along because I'm going to eat".  I spent the time with my friend.  I'm trying to take the focus off food and enjoy interaction with friends and such more.  So it really wasn't a difficult decision.  (it's still incredibly rude of them).  Anyway...so I end up getting home at 10PM...and I STILL hadn't eaten.  And I had over 600 calories to eat.  Crazy, but my first thought was, 'how in the world will I consume almost 700 calories before I got to bed"...because that's a LOT of calories.   I ended up having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich....and I thoroughly enjoyed the extra spoon of peanut butter.  I also had a single serve bag of sun chips.  Voila....calories consumed REALLY quickly.  But I stinkin' ate at 10PM (later actually).  And I gulped that food down with a diet soda. 

I decided to step on the scales this morning.  It's really not good. WAY UP  I want to cry it's so bad.  Really????   My hope is that it was the late meal (and I weighed earlier in the morning than I normally weigh) and the sodium from the last two days!  I'm HOPING.    (let me pause to drink some water)

Even as I type my hopes and my fears about the number on the scales I want to scream at myself.  I'm in this to be healthy.  I'm in this to look good.  I'm not in this to be a number on the scale.  I'm not in this to have this super low pace when I run.   I'm not in this to measure my success by NUMBERS.  I'm on this journey to be healthy!  I"m on this journey to not be obese. I'm on this journey to win my life back.  Yes, I know that my numbers on the scales will drop as I win my life back.    I know that as I win my life back that my clothes sizes will drop exponentially.  I know that...and I thus I watch the numbers because I know that they will drop.  But I need to stop focusing on the numbers.  Numbers are just that.  NUMBERS...a momentary figure that is assigned to progress.  It doesn't define what I did yesterday, or this morning or this evening...it is a glimpse of ONE SECOND of my life.  I need to figure out how to take the focus away from numbers.  I thought I was well on the way do doing thise.  I had thought that it would be a good idea to set no number goals.  I have no clue when I'll get to my goal weight....I don't care. I will get there when I get there.  However, I find myself worried about the scales.  Saddened when I see higher numbers  today (which very well are most likely late eating combined with higher sodium in my diet...I hope).  I am living my life chained these numbers. 

I didn't want to be chained to food....and I don't want to be chained to numbers. 

SOOOOO while I will still plan to weigh and while I will freely admit that the scales were not kind to me this morning, let me share what I saw in the mirror mere moments after I saw the borderline depressing numbers on the scale.  I got dressed and I walked into the bathroom to fix my hair.  I saw myself in the mirror.  I wasn't posturing or sucking my gut in.  I was just being me and I was amazed.  I could SEE the definition in my body.  I'm shaping my body from a fat blob into a defined female shape.  That's a HUGE indicator that I'm doing something right!  And honestly?  Isn't that a better indicator than some stupid number on the scale????

Heaving + Running = fun times

I was on cloud nine when I got to work after my walk yesterday.  Seriously.  I was feeling on top of the world.   Yeah, I did have a bit of a blister on the bottom of my foot, but that was just an annoyance but otherwise all was good.  I had conquered and won a self imposed challenge!  And then the menu for lunch was dropped on my desk.  I had made waffles for breakfast at the house before my trek into town.  (waffles with berries and a strawberry syrup).  I didn't need much food. I had planned a light lunch because of that.  But the bank was paying...so I ordered 1/2 a turkey sub.  (a little higher in calories than I would have normally chosen after the waffles, but still OK)  My manager went ahead and got the whole sub for me (it was the same price..winter special).  I wasn't upset. She talked to me before hand and I had decided that I would just eat it for lunch tomorrow....no packing alunch  needed.  It would be in the fridge at work waiting for me.  All was right in my world.  I pulled up MPF and put my food in. Uhhh, I would only have 300 calories for dinner.  But I made my plans. 

I texted Todd and had him pull a steak out of the freezer for himself.  I planned to make mashed potatoes and veggies.  I would eat a small amount of potatoes and then load up on fruits and veggies.  I was A-OK with that.   But, best laid plans.......

Todd texted me back a little later and asked if I would mind if he made some kind of stir-fry with his steak.  Well of course I didn't mind.  I was still planning on making the potatoes and veggies....but then I thought about how easy it would be to simply eat the other half of that sub since he was making his own dinner.  I knew I didn't have the calories in my budget.....well, I would if I used my earned calories from my walk and only be 10 calories in the negative.  Soooo I planned to do that and just be OK with using all of my earned calories.......my new plan was in force....at least until after I had that 1/2 sub for dinner and I started thinking about how I wanted something sweet  last night.

Ohhh yes I did.  I had a 245 calorie dessert.  245 calories that I did NOT have the calories for.  This is definitely the FIRST time I have gone over on my calories  that badly since shortly after Christmas.  I ate a total of 1764 calories for the day. (I'm aiming for 1250 a day not including my earned calories)  Hmmmm  In the grand scheme of things still not bad.  (and honestly, still in the losing range of caloric restriction even with those extra calories utilized) But not where I want to be.

On a good note, I was only about 20 ounces of water into my day when they went to pick up lunch.  When I ordered I was very quick to say "And A diet pepsi please!!!"  That is probably only the second or third time I have drank a diet soda since I restarted.  I won't lie, it tasted heavenly!    BUT...the good note?  I finished up that diet pepsi and then I went back to water and I STILL completed my water consumption goal for the day!

I refuse to beat myself up over it.  I slipped.  I've tightened the belt and I'm marching onward!  Part of the Shazam plan is realizing that these kinds of days WILL occur. (Was it just the snow and the 'off day'?  Was it part of the munchies that go along with the monthly feminine  ick?   I don't know....and it doesn't matter) Realizing and accepting that these days happen takes the pressure off when it happens. The trick is just recognizing it and knowing that it can't happen all the time.   That pressure being gone makes me just rejuvenated and ready to rock it tomorrow!

This morning I woke up and laid in bed.  I really toyed with options.  I had excuses galore why I couldn't run.  Seriously..the roads might have patches of ice...after all we did have precipitation yesterday.  Todd wanted breakfast...and I do try to play the good wife role even when I'm frustrated at things in the marriage. (and he is working tonight and I do try to make at least one meal each day).  Excuses excuses excuses.  I finally settled on the fact that I would make him breakfast (and me too) and THEN go on my run.  Today was a 22 minute straight run.....that is why all the excuses were pouring through my head.  Fear fear fear.  (I am beginning to hate that word...even as I smash it to smithereens!).   

I made a somewhat nutritious breakfast...nicely well rounded.  For me I had an egg and cheese sandwich and hash browns. (Todd had more and cooked differently..but I don't like eggs, I have to disguise them if I want to eat them).  I cleaned up and slowly changed my clothes.  I decided to run down my road this morning...it saves the time driving to the battlefield (which is only a couple miles away...but still).  I started off.  The first half of my run was marked with a malfunction of my running app (the C25K app....my music shut off and I couldn't fix it).  Not a problem...I ran without music.  I used that time to pray.  The app is supposed to notify me at the half way mark (and when I'm on my road doing an out and back run I turn at that mark).  I ran...and ran...and ran ...and finally gave in and looked at my phone.  Dang it...I had missed the half way mark notice...but the good news...I was already 13 minutes into my 22 minutes.  I fiddled with the app and miraculously got the music going again.  Thank heavens.  The music started and something that I had been ignoring for a while started to rear it's ugly head.  You see...that food that I had for breakfast was sloshing around in my gut.  Yes....sloshing and it was not a good feeling.  At about 14 minutes in I was heaving.  It wasn't much...just nasty.  I spit and kept going...without really even breaking my stride.  I won't lie....part of me wanted to quit.  But I KNEW why I was feeling queasy and ill.  It was because I ate food very shortly before going out running.  I finished that 22 minutes and by golly I went an extra 30 seconds of running...just to prove it to myself that I could!   I wasn't letting anything keep me down.       And lets just say....LESSON LEARNED!  Breakfast AFTER run...never before! (although the string cheese before a run seems to work really well)

I will admit...today I am filled with self doubt about my weigh in that will be upcoming on Monday.  Freaked out for some reason.  (I prewrote the first half ...about my eating yesterday, last night...and was feeling good).  However, this morning I'm panicked.  Partly because of my extra 250 calories yesterday and partly because it's looking like I'm not going to get the level of exercise in this week that I have been getting.     Deep breath in....deep breath out.  This is life.......not a race.  Accept whatever happens and move on because regardless of what my mind is yelling....I AM doing what is right, good and healthy for my body! (on a side note...I read one of Jillian Michaels books a few years back and she actually recommended that you have a higher caloric day once a week to keep your metabolism 'guessing' and burning).

That said, my eating today is totally planned out!

No zumba!!!!!

When school is cancelled, there is no zumba.  I knew last night that the odds that there would be zumba was pretty slim.  But this mornign it was confirmed.  No zumba....so one hour less of exercise today than I had planned.  What was I going to do?   I got a hair brained idea in my head.  What idea was that?   Why I was going to walk to work, two and a half miles away. It had always been a little inkling of an idea in my head to walk to work...but I had never taken the initiative to do so. They were calling for scads of snow...well over a foot....so this was a good idea to try today.  (I knew I could hook a ride home with any number of people that have a four wheel drive....and I knew that if the snow really did accumulate my little low Honda wouldn't be good to get home)

I started out...I was running a bit late because I had to find my snow boots. Little did I know....

I started out and the road was slushy. Within a mile even that slush started to disappear! I was happy as a lark walking along. At about mile two I wished that I had just rushed the wet feet with my tennis shoes as the ball of my left foot was burning as if it were getting a blister. (I'm hoping not as that will make tomorrow's run annoying and painful...a 22 minute straight run). The wind whipped on the open field sections.

I made it! I'm tickled. This idea has been in my head for a while...I've always let fear keep me from it. Why...it was just a 45 minute walk? These fears are stupid! Lol

Sniff sniff...what is that?

Last night at zumba my legs were heavy heavy heavy.  I pushed through though.  I went home and watched The Biggest Loser.  It was the makeover week.  I always find that week intriguing because it's almost as if that is the first time that the contestants realize how much they have shrunk.  It's almost like that is the episode where they see their efforts for the first time.  After TBL, I went to bed.  The plan was to get in bed and read for a while...at least until Todd came home.  However, I crawled into bed and realized how tired I was....I never picked up the kindle.....I was asleep in mere minutes.  I was so sound asleep that I never even heard Todd come home late when he got off of work.  (he is still sleeping on the couch...has been ever since he got sick...he may have wanted to come back to bed last night but I'm sure I was sprawled across the whole bed and that kinda disallowed his return...ahh what a pity).

I woke up early and was  ready to start my day.  I laid in bed and texted someone about taking their pictures. (I'm so excited!...I love photography...and I'm itching for a chance to do some 'real' photography versus the quick snaps on my cell phone that I have been using on my blog of late.)    I finally got up, did a bit of laundry and dressed for a nice winter jog and I headed to the battlefield.  I started.  It wasn't a bad run.  I was tickled to see that my breathing was pretty well regulated the whole time.  Maybe the panicky breathing that marked the first few weeks of running is behind me.  :-)   Amazing that my breathing today was so easy.....my bucolic run was through fields that had just been spread with manure.  Fun stuff.....ahhhh fresh country air!

 

Freshly spread manure and my shadow

I was alone for most of my run. (an old man was out at one of the privately owned houses and I stopped and said high to him...I was actually already done with my run and was just cooling down).  The battlefield was empty.  When it's cold this is the case in the mornings!  I guess most people are sane and stay in where it's warm!  No fear...I had lots of guards to monitor my progress!

One of my many guards

Life is keeping me busy..don't know how but it feels like I'm on the go constantly.  Oh well, it's working for me.  I weighed myself today just for ME...my official weigh in is on Monday.  The scales were friendly today......it's looking like I may make my 20 pound mark for this year very soon..... Maybe I should start looking for my next charm (I've got an idea of what I'm going to get).   I'm utterly focused on my goals and nothing is going to derail me!

Desi the cat grudgingly accepts me...he is most definitely Todd's cat.  He doesn't usually come near me.  There are two exceptions!  One, he is a ham and LOVES to have his picture taken....he poses and lets me near him with my camera.  (Todd swears that the wound on his nose was inflicted by one of MY cats.  I cry foul and say that none of MY cats would do anything like that...surely it was a self inflicted wound!)

The other exception is ice cream.  Desi LOVES ice cream.  I had enough calories to enjoy some ice cream last night.  Desi sniffed at it and would have started licking it had I not scooped my bowl away!

Where is MaryFran????

I've been keeping track of my weight since Friday.  I weighed myself for the start of the new month.  I saw that it was going to be a tight loss month.  I wasn't surprised.  I had a huge loss last week.  I watched my weight everyday through the weekend......I held steady. I watched carefully because the monthly ick was actually due to start late last week...I waited and watched the scales (for anyone reading this that has no clue what I'm talking about I'm unlucky enough that the monthly ick is usually precipitated by a spike in my weight...water weight...but a spike none-the-less).  I drank my water like a fiend....trying to forestall that weight gain.  I just didn't want to see any weight gain.  The ick did start...and I didn't see a huge spike (YAY).  My final weigh in result for this week....I lost three tenths of a pound.

Part of me is super frustrated with my 3/10ths of a pound.  Seriously only three tenths of a pound?  By rights.....by the calorie counts...by my efforts, the loss should much higher!  It frustrates me to no end.  There is a small part of me that screams to stop.  But then I think about what I want out of my life.  There are places that I want to go...clothes that I want to wear.   A life that I want to lead.....and I want to lead it as a thin person.  I know that my inner happiness should allow me to lead a happy life as a fat girl.  My happiness is not contingent upon my weight.  Inner peace and happiness comes from within my soul and I know that.  Weight has nothing to do with that inner happiness.  But dammit...I WANT TO BE THIN!  And I WILL be!  I"m focusing on that desire and pushing through the disappointment that lurks within me at my eensy tiny weight loss (even though I did somewhat expect it).


 Soooo, we are being told by the weather forecasters that we need to batten down the hatches because there is a better than good chance that we will be getting hammered with snow mid week.  I've heard conflicting reports of how much snow we will be getting.....it's anywhere from one foot to two feet.  When you are with that much snow does it really make a difference between one foot or two?   haa haa haa     So the craziest thing occurred to me today.   As they predict the snow to hi, part of me has that hope that work will be closed at least one day.  That is the good part.  But then A panic sets into me and my heart stops!  You see, it messes up my exercise plans.  I am on a roll.   How will it mess up my exercise plans?   Well,  if it is snowing Tuesday night early enough, I will have to forgo Zumba on Tuesday night.  If it's snowing on Wednesday that evening of zumba will be canceled.  Getting to the gym...a half hour drive away will be impossible too!   Even worse?   If we get a foot or two of snow...how will I go out and jog on the roads on Thursday (which is my run day...and it's a 22 minute straight run)???    Yes, I'm worried about my exercise plans.  That said, I have come up with an alternate plan.  I do own an exercise bike and I figure I will hop on the exercise bike and ride an hour here an an hour there.  I also will be spending time shoveling the driveway...so that is good exercise also.  That plan calmed my racing heart and helped to push down the panic about zumba and not being able to make it to the gym at least.  However, the missed run is just really freaking me out!!!!!!  I don't want to get off track with my running!  I'm doing so good!  I need to do my runs!

  Yeah, who is this girl?  I have no clue where MaryFran went and who has replaced her...but it's kinda scary!  

Ready and Waiting

As I regained the weight, I would just shove clothes toward the back of the closet.  At one point I bought bit 33 gallon bins and emptied the closet of everything that I could not wear.  I shoved those bins into the corners and along the wall of my walk in closet.  I ignored them, but knew that my 'thin' clothes were in them.  I decided to pull those bins out...sort out the clothes and repack them in a way that I can more readily access the clothes that I will need as I lose the weight. I decided that I would also not put the bins back into the closet...I would cart them to the library and sit them on the futon.  Easy Access for me to dig out what I need as I lose! (and it's not like we use that futon anyway....it is a leftover from my husbands premarriage days and is slated to go to the dump this year).  I started unloading the closet...the bins must have multiplied.  I pulled out not one...not two...not three but seven bins shoved to the gills with clothes.   I was ready to sort.


What did I find?   I found that most of the tops were from my smaller size...as I had gained weight I had gone to leaving the shirts open and using it camisols or teeshirts under them to extend the wear. Furthermoer, I really never weeded out the smaller shirts in the mid sizes...so they are still in my drawers and in my closet.  (project for another day???)   I put all of those shirts/tops in boxes and carted them to the library.  All the pants and skirts I laid in stacks according to size.  I rebinned them small stuff going upward and stacked those crates in order of sizes so that the biggest sizes are on top.  I started a bin of 'too big' clothes...and left out some clothes that I can wear right now that I didn't realize. 

I AM READY!!!  BRING IT ON!!!!!

Never say never

This morning I woke up and did my typical morning routine.  I laid in bed and checked my mail.  Hey, I like my lazy morning wake-ups!   My inbox contained an email that immediately caught my interest.  It was from "Friend Extraordinaire"  (I'm naming her that because I've never really asked her permission to use her name and stories in my blog....)  I immediately wrote a long arse response to her (on my iphone too boot, which tells you how important it was to me, long responses are usually written on a computer).  The email exchange went like this.....(if you don't want to be bored with reading the email exchange, just skip the italicized words.......I won't cry too hard about you skipping my well thought out response....but promise you that it the big news is at the end!

To MaryFran 
......I'm bringing my running clothes but not hopeful..
I'm really not feeling ready for this run., My body doesn't seem to be getting used to the running. What is wrong with me. I'm pity partying tonight. I know I'm working hard, I want to see major results. Help!
                                             from friend extraordinaire

That email obviously demanded an immediate response.  So respond I did.....I poured my heart and feelings into the email....

To Friend Extraordinaire,

I hear you....I'm still struggling with this congestion...and the war is going on in my mind....run or not run. I know that a big part of my indecision is not the congestion/cold/sinus issues. A big part is fear because I know that today is a huge run...as you said, a rite of passage. I don't think our bodies are going to feel 'used to' running yet. We are continually pushing ourselves ...this program keeps us pressing forward.

My thought is this...when we first started we struggled with that 1.5 minute run. I remember that first time we ran together and we hit our first 3 minute run....we gasped and moaned and lamented about it ever being over....yet just a few short weeks we have accomplished 8 minute long runs. We have followed the program....and it hasn't let us down yet had it???! So lets have faith that it won't let us down today either!!

One more thought on our bodies getting used to running....we've only been at this five weeks....right now our bodies are simply trying to adjust to actually jogging....as the muscles and stamina builds we will gradually grow more comfortable.  

That all said, running may not be for you, me or us. I AM however going to see this c25k program to completion. I've started it three times before. Three times I quit. I quit when it got rough...when my body ached...when the weather got icky...etc. I need to finish it , get to that point that I really can run....just pop some headphones on and run without waiting for a walk/run cue and THEN decide about running as a hobby/form of exercise.

Pity parties allowed on occasion!!! Just don't let your pity party derail you. Major results ARE coming down our lane. We can't see them yet...but they will soon be knocking on our doorstep....we are doing everything right...there is no reason why major results will not come a knocking!!! Well there is ONE reason....and that's if we give up!

You've got this girl!! I'm attempting my run at roughly 8AM...ill let you know how it goes. I will be crossing my fingers and praying that you smash your run...and that no matter what happens on either of our runs, that we both accept that we are doing it (and that we did a hell of a lot more than we ever could have dreamed of back in January) and congratulate ourselves for our effort!!
                                              MaryFran

Yeah, I think that was an inspired email myself!  So I wrote the email, laid around for a few more minutes and then got out of bed.  And it hit me....I felt like I had been hit with a ton of bricks.  This sinus issue....really was probably now a full fledged cold.  The constant war in my head started....but then I realized that it was all excuses.  You can exercise with a cold.  I have in the past.  It's not a deal breaker.  What was the deal breaker was the fact that I wasn't sure I could do it. I mean holy heck, I was scheduled to run for 20 minutes straight! I battled with these thoughts RIGHT AFTER I wrote that email.  I felt two faced.  What a hypocrite!   Sooo, I threw on my exercise clothes....shoved a wad of tissues into the pocket of my outer layer and headed out.

~~ The warm up walk was fine....a little cold around my neck as today I didn't wear a hooded sweatshirt ...that hood really helps keep the draft out of your shirt!

Mid run

~ The little voice in my head (AKA known as the C25K app on my phone) told me to run and I started.  The first five minutes were hellish.  My thigh muscles were screaming in freakish agony as I propelled myself forward.
~  Round about 5 minutes I was in my groove and felt pretty good.  My legs stopped hurting and I was rockin' in (as much as I can in my ungraceful run...)

~I made a mistake and looked at the timer at 10 minutes and I was filled with utter self doubt.  Seriously?  I had to run for 10 more minutes!  I couldn't do that.  I'm sick as a dog, hacking up a lung (ok, it's actually still the sinus gunk that my cough is trying to get out of my body and not from my lungs), my nose is running like a sieve.....)and I'm out here in the cold weather RUNNING?   What am I thinking?   I wanted to walk.  I soooo wanted to walk.  But I didn't.  I kept going.
~ Round about minute 15, I started to believe that I was really going to do it.
~ Right around minute 18 1/2 I started to cry.  No, not in pain and misery.....but because I thought it wasn't possible.  I can't remember EVER in my life running for 20 minutes straight.  Seriously...ME?????  RUNNING????

I DID IT!  Not impressed yet???  I did it while I am sick!!!!   I set my mind to it and I did it.   Yes, I know not to push it too much while sick.  I'm not foolhardy!  They actually say exercise with a cold isn't a no no so I'm good!

update......I just got an update....my friend extraordinare has also completed her dreaded week 5 day three 20 minute run today!!!!!   GO SHERRY!!!!

Shashing through fear

Tuesday night I took off from exercise and stayed home.  I knew that I was coming down with some ailment and I wasn't sure what it was.  I didn't want to exacerbate any potential sickness by doing any heavy duty exercise only to come home so whipped, tired and more sick.  So I went home and took it easy.  I woke up on Wednesday and I could feel the sinus pressure in my head and the sinus drainage.  The drainage causes my throat to hurt and gives me a slight cough...but nothing major.  Overall, I felt pretty good.  No overwhelming tiredness, no achy feeling and most importantly no fever.  I pondered exercise all day long.  OK, I didn't ponder....a war was waged in my head. My fat mini me and my thin mini me were at war and the cacophony of noise in my head from this war was deafening.  On one shoulder, screaming into my ear was my fat mini me.  My fat mini me was yelling "You are sick, do not exercise...do not exercise...do not exercise!"  The thin mini me was yelling equally as loud.....but the message was very different. What was thin mini me saying?   Thin mini me was saying "Excuses....they are all excuses. Sinus drainage and pressure is NOT an illness, just an inconvenience.  They are excuses to keep you fat and far from your goal."    The battle raged in my head loud.  I listened.  I pondered. And then I made my choice.  Using sinus pressure (which I know from experience can last for weeks) IS an excuse.  So I tested the waters.  I went for my run.  I did the next installment in my c25k thing.  I felt pretty good after that so decided to roll with it.  I headed off to zumba.   It went well.   1.5 hours of pretty intense exercise completed for the day.

This morning the war started to wage again.....but this morning it wasn't the excuse of not feeling 100% (still sinus pressure).  Well, maybe a wee bit.  This morning it was fear.   That old fear reared it's ugly head.  You see, I had decided that I would go to the gym.  I decided that I would try an exercise class at the gym.  I am a chicken.  I do zumba...but I'm in my comfortable class...my zumba class is my comfort zone.  Going to a new class at the gym is totally out of my comfort zone.My confidence is racked with fear....fear about being the odd man out, the only one that doesn't know what I'm doing...etc etc etc.   Then to make matters worse, I could have to rush to the locker rooms and face that fear of the locker room showers again.  I faced it last week and I know it's not bad, but the fear wasn't totally gone.  Fear........it's debilitating.  I ALMOST stayed home and rode the exercise bike.  But then I said, "screw this" and with my stomach churning I set out.   I did 30 minutes on the elliptical trainer while I waited for my class to start and then I headed into a zumba sentao class.   It was very neat to see a different approach to the same class that I attend on Monday nights.  Anita is still top notch in my book. Anita approaches the chair as an instrument to fitness.  This gal approached the chair as if were a stripper pole.  I won't lie...it was fun.  She was hard to follow...and while she wore a speaker that was piped through the sound system, the music mostly drowned her out ....which is OK because she sang along with the music most of the time.  Zumba is not a class where they usually call out instructions, so i wasn't expecting it.  I will be trying one of her 'regular' zumba classes soon I'm sure and we shall see how that is.    Regardless......I did 90 minutes of exercise this morning.  I faced the fear of doing a class.....I faced the fear of the showers.....I faced the rush between the class and my scheduled time to start work.  I faced it...and I SMASHED my fears!  :-)

Fear only serves one purpose...and that is to keep us from achieving the greatness that we are capable of!

NO FEAR~~~~~SHAZAM!

Coexistence

I had a blog post all planned out for today.  Really....it was written and ready for final review this morning before hitting the publish button.  It was about negativity.  Not self negativity...but negativity in others as they listen to us talk about our journey.  You know the kind of person..."ohhh that will never work...."  and they continue to spout all kinds of negativity   The kind of person that then couches it in terms of encouragement by following it with 'but good luck' (insert sarcastic tone).  Negativity.....so destructive.  

But then something happened......ironically enough after my post yesterday when I was saying that 'life happens......roll with the punches and learn to LIVE in a healthy manner even as you embrace life.'   I felt on top of the world.  I went up to the lunch room at work and ate my lunch.  It was a satisfying and healthy lunch.  I went back downstairs and about an hour later I realized that I had left something up on the table.  I trotted back upstairs. I say trotted because I don't think I ran....but I didn't dilly dally as I went up the stairs.  As I was coming back downstairs I felt this incredible pain/pressure in my chest.  It surprised me. I had a bout of chest pains back in late 2010 into 2011 where I had chest pains.  It was  months of constant rounds of doctors and tests...they never did figure out what was wrong and occasionally the chest pains still flare up...but it's been a long while since I had one.  And then about an hour after that my throat started to hurt.  Seriously?   I'm getting sick?????   NOOOOOOOO  OK, this doesn't surprise me too much either because Todd has been horribly sick since Saturday.  OK, he's a guy so horribly sick means a different thing when it's a guy.....but seriously, he's been perched on the couch pretty much constantly from Saturday through right now. (although yesterday he was doing much better so I expect him to be back up and moving this morning).  My first thought was OHHH NO....I'm on such a roll with exercise...I don't want to stop now.  I have zumba....and running...and the gym!   (shocked the heck out of me to have those thoughts as my first ones)   But then I straightened my back and said to myself......this is life.   OK OK OK...actually I started quoting the postman's creed...."Neither rain nor snow......."   NOTHING is going to keep me off of my mission.   Does that mean I went to zumba anyway.  No, I went home and rested.  Does it mean I'll go to zumba tonight.  Who knows.....I'll let you know when that time comes.   What does it mean?   It means that I will accept that I was not and may not be able to exercise to the extent that I want this week.     It does mean that I'll tighten up my eating.  I eat pretty close to my caloric goals to begin with...but I do admit that on exercise days I don't panic if I'm over on my calorie count.  So I typically run about 50- 100 or so calories over.  Well if I"m not exercising.......yup......tighten up and bring myself back down to my goal.   It's accepting that this may and will slow down my weight loss. (This is a lifestyle anyway...not a race!)I may only get a maintain number on the scales this week.  But it's being OK with it because LIFE HAPPENS and no strict diet or exercise plan can withstand the daily ins and outs of life on a daily basis for long term.   They need to coexist peacefully and in harmony.

Shazam!