Mental battles

A large part of this journey to health is mental. Or maybe I’m just a basket case...hahaha!  No,  it’s definitely a mental game. In the last three weeks I’ve had at least three mental battles that I can quickly and easily remember. I’d like to say I won the battle for all of them but alas, that’s not the case.

The first mental battle came after I broke the no sweet treat fast  The two weeks of restriction set me back in that healthy relationship that I was building with food.  I all of a sudden  was back to wanting the sweet treats  all the time...because I hadn’t had them. Sure, I knew that I could have them again and that I was not doing the restriction thing anymore. But holy moly try to convince my mind of that fact! It really has been a battle in my mind to try to remind myself that sweet treats are not forbidden, nor are they something that I need to eat like there’s no tomorrow… Because if I want I can have them again tomorrow. So, yes I did dive headfirst into bad food for those first couple days and that is a definite failure. Well, we’ll call it a half failure… I learned something very valuable about myself. What is that? Restrictions only makes me want it more! (absence makes the heart grow finder… Maybe not fonder in the case of food but it certainly does make the desire for it grow more intense).

Last Monday I went to see the doctor . The doctor was very happy with my blood work and worked with me to set a goal for weight loss. OK, in reality she did not work with me she just told me what she wanted me to lose in the next year. My year goal is 10 to 20 pounds. (I’m sure the lower number has something to do with the fact that I told her my slow, learn to live and just be healthier plan where I restrict nothing, which she liked and approved of.) But seriously 10 pounds? That’s not much for a year long effort. And here is where my mind started playing tricks with me again. So… 10 to 20 pounds… If I maintain for 10 months I only have to lose weight for two months of the year. My mind started to scream at me… I call these voices my “mini me”, and they were saying take a break, you got a whole year to lose a measly little 10 pounds and  don’t  bother counting calories this week...don’t bother next week either… start next month… Better yet start after your vacation in October. Yes, my mini me is very distracting and determined to derail me!   I know that listening to those voices is not the best option and plan for me… At all. But the thought was really hard to get out of my head. It’s been a mental battle.

Last but not least, Friday lunch. It was cool outside on my first break when I walked. It looked like it was going to rain any second. And I started to think about taking just one more day away from walking and eating my healthy lunch to grab and instead grab food from the cafeteria. I went back and forth for two hours and 15 minutes until my lunch break. One minute I was going to go to the cafeteria. The next minute I was determined to stand strong. The battle was fierce in my head. I looked at my calorie counter (MyFitnessPal) and I pondered. I did come up with an alternative little ground. I walked. I did eat my healthy lunch. And I allowed myself to buy a few pieces of Reese’s pieces. So it wasn’t a total victory but it wasn’t a total failure. The battles in my mind

The battles in my mind are the worst deterrent to lose weight. I wish there was a nice way to stop those voices that tell me to go ahead and eat, or to skip my walk. But they’re not easy to eradicate.  Will power, will power, will power.

Ahhhh

Eating went well yesterday.  I didn't cave and indulge in the myriad of snacks that are always laying around my work. That victory is even sweeter because my coworkers were indulging around me!   I ate more for dinner but then dropped my planned ice cream snack.  All was good.

I've already got today's food planned out.  Just need to stick with the plan!!!  I've got this!!!   No more sitting at the same weight!  No more wasting time!!!  

My run went well yesterday.   My legs hurt and my mind screamed at me to stop, but I kept going and had a nice fast (for me) run with and average mile pace of 12:47. Awesome!!  It was stinking cold though...  32 degrees with a windchill of 20.  Brrrrrrr.     Oh well...it's only the first few steps....the first tenth of a mile that's truly horrible in terms of being cold.   After I get running I'm comfortable!     I don't have 'cold weather' running clothes either...it's a layer game.  It works...and I'm planning on dropping weight and needing new clothes soon....I'm not wasting my money...layers work just fine.  When I get to my goal weight, I will revisit the possibility of investing money in winter running /exercise gear.

Zumba was fun, as usual.  I was a bit sore, tired and achy all day (after my run).  I was concerned about completing Zumba...but once there and started, I was fine and was able to kick it!   

Tonight is marked a Zumba night, however I'm going to ride the exercise bike today instead.  My foot was bothering me a bit yesterday.....so I'm going to give it a rest from high impact activities......and I have a run scheduled tomorrow.  :-).   (No worries, my health is more important than my workout schedule...if the foot be ones an issue, I will rework the whole blasted schedule to remove running and admit temporary defeat on the running front as I move to lower impact activities!)

Mindset

I noticed a weird thing when I was running regularly this spring.  My runs were marked by a mental battle.  There was a voice in my head that was constantly screaming at me to stop running.  I would falter in my running constantly as I listened to the voices.  Finally I took on the mantra of “MaryFran, you are not dying, keep running”   This carried over into biking and zumba and virtually everything.  I had to push myself past that little wall.  The weird thing?   Once I pushed past the wall the voice started to fade a bit.  Oh it screamed on occasion.  It told me when I was going too fast or too long but quitting ceased to be something it told me to do.  It took a bit, but I trained that voice to recognize that quitting was NOT an option so it may as well save it’s breath.

I took my medically imposed break from running and have started to get back to my religiously scheduled runs.  Some of the bad habits returned.  My last two runs from last week (Wednesday and Saturday) were marked by this screaming voice in my head.  My steps faltered a few times before I said “Buck up MaryFran and continue running”.  As I neared the end, the voice constantly bellowed in my ear that “no one will know if you walk the rest of the way”.  It was a pure mental battle.  This morning, there were some physical aches and pains but that voice that was telling me to stop was blissfully silent.  It realized that I was running and that it was not going to win!

Brrrr this morning was COLD!  

Why yes, that was a frosty ice on my windshield!

But the morning was pretty!

And yes, I got my run in!!!!!!  No pauses for walking.   I just need to remember when it’s cold that gloves are a MUST!  My average pace is holding right at an average of  about 13 minutes per mile. (seems to be holding steady with an average between 12:50 and 13:20 each run)   That time will decrease.  I have my goals.  (shhhh don’t tell anyone but my goals are to run a mile in less than 10 minutes….and yeah, I’m still seriously contemplating a half marathon!  Plus I have a century bike ride to get under my belt!!!!!!   Lots of goals!!!)

My food is planned out for today and I’m determined to keep it in check and stay on track!  I can do this.  I KNOW what to do.  I know how to do it.  And conversely, I know that doing it is NOT a hardship, it’s just different.  

Self fulfilling

I've been saying for a long long time that weight loss and exercise is a battle that is lost and won in the mind.  It is a pure mental exercise.  Today I had a first hand experience to show me exactly how much this is a mental battle.   It was morning, I planned to go out running.  I got myself dressed and set off  I had my plan.  I was going to do about 3.5 miles. I was planning on running it at my somewhat current normal pace of 12.30.  Or rather that is what I hoped. I just run, giving it my all and hope for the best with my pace.  So I started off.  My heart rate seemed a bit low, but I seemed to be going at an OK pace.  I tried to pick up the pace, simply based on my heart rate.  I just couldn't do it.  So my first mile was run with me running, and feeling ok, just thinking I was slow.   Mile two is when the mental adjustment occurred for the worse.  I just spent roughly a mile of running stressing about my speed, my lower heart rate, my running...everything.  Mile 2 is when it hit.  I started to mentally abuse myself.  I lamented my horrible run (which I was still running).  I even stopped and walked a few feet.  My legs felt heavy.  I beat myself mentally that whole mile.  I was having such a tough battle that I decided to not do the extra loop which would net me the full 3.5 miles...I was going to go straight back to the car and call it a day at 2.5 miles. Afterall, it was a horrible run you know!  I decided to ignore everything and just run to run for that last half mile and I finished it with a smile on my face and proud of myself for doing it.....then I looked at my stats......

So let me recap...

mile one, I thought I was doing bad

mile two, I flogged myself for how bad I did on mile one, to the point of physically feeling horrible

mile three, I ran to run.

So here are the splits......  and let me say that my base run is usually 12:30 or thereabouts....but I have run a sub 12 once or twice barely........so I'm inching downward.

Mile one...the horrible mile wasn't so horrible afterall..... I ran a 12:02

Mile two...I psyched myself out that I couldn't do it and ran a 12:58  (can we say mental failure)

The last half mile.......11:24    Uhhhh hello!

So it's clearly obvious that my mental game totally affects me!  

How often have I done this to myself.  I can say I'd started the Couch to 5 K training program time and time again (I know at least 3 times for sure) and each time I psyched myself out.  I let the mental voices beat me down.  The screamed at me "maryfran, you can't do this"  I listened to them and when you listen they turn into a self fufilling prophecy!   NO no no....I will not listen to the voices.  When I have a bad run, I will accept it at the end when I look at my stats.  I will just run to run...I will ride to ride when it seems difficult.  I will push to do best each mile and I will accept it when it's my best effort.  

Lies!

I got home from zumba last night.  I made my dinner and was sitting there eating when Todd came home.  I could barely put a coherent sentence together.  For some reason I was just exhausted.  I headed to bed and was asleep shortly after 9PM.  I had planned on making potato salad and packing my gym bag in the evening thus clearing up my morning to hit the road for my second to last C25K training run.  I momentarily thought about it but decided that since I was going to bed so early, I knew I would be up super early and that there would be no problem completing everything.   How wrong I was.  I didn't wake up until 8AM!  (not a problem for work because I didn't have to be at work until 10AM, but I had stuff that needed to be done) Thus began the mad hectic dash of my morning.


I have struggled with running this week.  It's been a mental thing.  I am nearing the end of this c25k training program.  I have tried this program time and time again and each time I have given up right about week 3 or 4.  So to make it to week 8 is incredible.  I know that my struggle to continue is not because of fear that I can't do it.  I have  done a 28 minute run so the next run shouldn't have been an issue.  True, I had my dismal run on Friday stuck in the back of my head, but seriously....the END IS IN SIGHT!   The old MaryFran started to doubt that I could do this c25k thing...even though I'm almost done.  For some reason I began to struggle with continuing.  Yes, I seriously contemplated quitting the program...on freakin' week 8 day 2!  What in the world?   I tell you...the mind is really where this weight loss battle (and healthy lifestyle...and exercise) is won or lost!   Once I realized that it is all in my head I said "HECK NO!"  I'm not giving up!  I've given up 4 or more times before on this training program and it just makes me have to restart it.  NO MORE!!!!!  This time I WILL finish!

So out I went.  And yes!  I did it! I ran the whole time I needed to run.  WEEEE!    But I'm coming to the conclusion that the C25K training program is a lie.  A big fat juicy lie.   I have done it religiously.  And I'm almost done.  It has got me running and for that I'm most decidedly grateful.  but,  it's more like a couch to 3.5 k training program.   Yes, I'm only doing about 2 miles in my allotted time.  Those LIARS!

This morning my music was perfect for me.  Songs would come on and just make me smile.  Seriously...when I'm doing something so perfect and good for my body how could I NOT smile when Right Said Fred's song "I'm Too Sexy" came on.  But the song that got me today was Twisted Sister...."We're not Gonna take it!"   No, I am NOT going to accept my obesity anymore.  I'm not gonna take it!  I'm gonna fight it for all it's worth!  

Self inflicted pain

Why do I do it to myself?  Seriously!

I have a love hate relationship with the scales.  I used to be a proponent of daily weighing (and I will probably do that again when I am at my goal weight...to keep myself focused).  But this go round, I'm sitting back and trying to take the pressure off the number. So once a week is what I'm trying to do. I admit that I sneak a peak here and there, but I'm for the most part trying to stay away from the scales because I don't want to obsess.  This past weekend I decided to move my weigh in day until Sunday.  I had originally been emailing weights out to a Sunday challenge and also a Monday challenge...and I was using my Monday challenge as my official weight.  But the Monday challenge has folded and while the group is still around and making small noises, the Monday weigh in has sunk into the pits of oblivion.  Not a problem.  So I decided to make Sunday my official.  I weighed on Sunday.  I showed a loss! In fact, I hit my next 10 pound goal! (new charm is ordered for my charm reward bracelet already).  21 pounds gone since January 1.  (83.2 pounds total from my highest).  I stayed away from the scales on Monday...no problem.  This morning though.  I don't know what possessed me.  First of all I was dressed (Yes, I weigh in the nude!) and secondly I had tacos last night.  Do you know how much sodium is in the taco seasoning alone??????   My weight was up...substantially  My heart sank and I'm fighting off the spiraling negative thoughts.  I don't want another week of 'maintain'. I want to lose again.  I want to blow this weight out of the water.  And I'm depressed about seeing the higher number again.  GRRRR      But that is all self destructive.  If I allow myself to wallow in the NUMBERS I will begin to believe that I can't do it.  I KNOW I can.  This journey really is won in the  mind.  


Exercise today was scheduled to be a run this morning and zumba this evening.  I woke up and Todd wanted/needed breakfast at about 7:30.  I would have had to go out running at 6 or 6:30 this morning in order to eat first...I won't make the mistake of running after I eat twice) I would have been fine..but that early scared me.  Slipping on ice is NOT conducive to health.  So I postponed my run until tomorrow morning. (meaning I'll have two back to back runs, but that's OK also).  I wallowed a bit in my depressive thoughts about the number on the scale...but then I said "screw that" and I got up. (enough time and passed and I knew that I could get in a 1/2 hour exercise...just not enough time to get out and run) I dug out my steps and the original step aerobic DVD that I purchased years upon years ago.  I had religiously done step aerobics at one point during my original weight loss efforts but I eventually put it aside and never came back to it. Today was the day to resurrect step aerobics.  I set everything up and I was rolling stepping.  I have to say...I was sweating it up and my legs were feeling it!  I love that feeling (yeah yeah, I'm sadistic!)   Amazing....I remember when I stopped doing the DVDs that my body thought they were easy.  I love changing up exercises just for that purpose!  I of course had an audience while I exercised.....and I had to clear out the kitties who wanted to check out the steps and play around the steps!  But I got in 30 minutes of good exercise this morning (and low and behold....my calories burned are fantastic for step aerobics!)

I'm not really sure how I want to integrate the scales into my life this go round.  The obsession to check my weight is too great to ignore. I know this.  I just have to make my obsession (I never was one to weigh throughout the day...just once...in the morning) coexist in a peaceful way with my psyche.  Maybe it WOULD be better if i weighed daily again.  At least then I would be seeing a TRUE number instead of these stupid 'bobbles' that I am catching a glimpse of!  

Doing battle with my mind

My  mind plays tricks on me.  Yesterday morning I carefully figured out the calories on my favorite food at Southwest Moe's Grill. I ALWAYS order the regular size.  However, on the restaurants website  I saw that the regular size was roughly 750-800 calories and the junior size was 468.  Hmmm, that's a huge difference!   468 was doable.  So I planned to eat the junior size.  However, I got to the restaurant and my mom pulled out a buy one get one free coupon.  She and my dad were splitting a regular sized burrito, the free one was for me.  My burrito was going to be free!   Financially speaking, it made sense for me to get the regular sized burrito.  Seriously!  It makes sense right?  I got up to where you place your order.  I said "I want the Art Vandalay."
That part of my order was never in question.  The size issue is what was roaring through my brain!
  I looked at the guy and I wanted to stop right then and there and get the regular sized burrito.  It was free!  Yummy vegetarian burrito...FREE!   But then I finished my order......."Junior".   I know we have faced a fiscal cliff and that I just wasted the opportunity to get MORE free food than I already did.  I can tell myself that I would only eat half of it. I could seriously eat half of it and put the rest aside for dinner.  What a GRAND PLAN!  However, I know that I would fail miserably at that plan. I knew that if the food was in front of me that I would   Therefore, I summoned all of my will power and I added the word junior onto my order.  You know what?  I was still quite full and satisfied after a junior burrito!  This journey is only partly about my stomach ....it REALLY is a mental game!  (ohh and I carted my big water jug into Moe's with me, no asparatame laden diet soda or crystal light for me.  WATER baby!!!!)

I joined a weight loss group on line and then was drafted into another.  One weight loss group weighs in on Sundays. The other one is Monday.  OK, not a problem.  I can weigh myself both days.  This is easy.  it will keep me on target on Saturday since I have a weigh in on Sunday.  It will also keep me on target on Sunday since I have to face the music on Monday also.  How perfect is that?  I had taken a sneak peak at the scales midway through last week.  My weight was down.  I was ecstatic.  So yesterday I hop on the scales and low and behold I was up. (still down from my previous Sunday weight).  Uhhh really?   I ate RIGHT!  I ignored the wine!  I ignored the beer!  I ignored the snacks!  I drank water and only ate one chocolate covered strawberry at a party for goodness sake!  And I gained?  WTF? (for the sake of honesty and integrity, I will admit it was less than a half pound up from where I was at my sneak peak..but still)  I stepped off the scale.  I wanted to scream!  Why?  I did it right and the scales didn't reflect my efforts.  I gathered my emotions and reminded myself that the scales are a fickle thing.  I didn't let the number on the scale deter me from my mission.  I watched my food intake.  At the end of the day I even had enough for a half cup of ice cream (of course individually packaged by me, in my freezer for ease of consumption without the temptation).  This morning I was nervous as I stepped on the scales.  I had weighed up a bit yesterday and I had that ice cream late at night, but it was all accounted for.  I ate RIGHT even though the disappointment with the scales in the morning made me want to run screaming and crying to the nearest bucket of food.  I stepped on.   And Low and behold I was down a pound from my sneak peak weight!  I lost 3 pounds this past week!   The scales do not always tell the true story.  Yesterday, I KNEW that, and I held firm and waited until the scales actually correctly showed my efforts!

Transamerican virtual walk is going well.  I'm 45.2 miles in.....I'm heading towards Glendale, VA!