Changes and plans

I am really going to be working on making some changes in my life in the new year.  I am tired of sitting around and planning and plotting and not carrying through....or only doing things with half of the ability that I am capable of.   This goes hand in hand with my word of the year that I talked about in a recent post.  Committed!

You see, I want to be committed to my website and to my youtube channel.  I have gained amazing things from these two social media outlets.  I have gained amazing friends.  I have gained amazing support.  I have gained a never ending supply of advice.  It is an awesome tool for life.   I am not walking away from any of that.  Quite the contrary. I am even more committed than ever to make this a priority in my life and to do it RIGHT!   But to do things properly and stay committed I have to come up with a plan because time is limited and these tasks really do take up time!  Dare I say that keeping up with the creation of content for both of these outlets is the equivalent to having a part time job? So I need to make things work better for me if I’m going to carry on and carry on with commitment.

The first thing that I am going to change with this site is that I am going to be committed to having more of my posts created in advance.  So often I am writing my posts on the fly and publishing them all within almost the same breath!   This has added some extra stress to my life in relation to this site.  Why is it adding stress?  It's adding stress because I have tried to get into a posting schedule of Monday-Wednesday-Friday.     I like the posting schedule I have.  It keeps me accountable!  When I don't stick with a posting schedule I tend to write sporadically and when I write sporadically my weight loss efforts tend to be a bit more sporadic. (It's crazy...but true!)

But you see, I weigh in on Friday morning.  I would then turn around and try to get the weigh in results post written and published all before I left for work.  I leave for work at 6:30 AM.  It was just not working for me!  I was stressed and just struggling to get things done.  All it took is for me to say "Why don't I post the weigh in information on Monday.  That way I have a few days to get the information written out in a clear concise form!     I know...you are saying "well duh"!     So that is one of my HUGE plans.   

I have toyed with trying to post things more routinely...such as having a day dedicated to a certain topic.   I like this concept....but every time I think I’m going to do it I then sit back and say ‘but what about....’ and I realize that it won’t work for me.   I can say that Monday’s will usually be my weigh in blog posts.   I would say always but I have a blogiversary coming up and it falls on a Monday...so I am planning to postpone my weigh in report until Wednesday.   See how being too strict doesn’t work for me?

In relation to my youtube channel....  I have been posting on Sundays and Wednesdays (with random videos here and there.  I will be altering that a bit to be a Sunday....Wednesday....Friday rotation. 

*  The Sunday post is my review of my weight loss week (which will be linked on my monday Blog posts)
*   I have Workout Wednesdays...this will be mostly fitness and workout related.
*   Fridays will be Foodie Friday.  I am planning on posting a video that relates to cooking....either a recipe or a review of a food....or maybe a review of a kitchen gadget!  And some of those recipes may make an appearance on my blog....time will tell!

Also on my YouTube channel there will be random videos and posts here and there.  Whatever and whenever strikes my fancy!  A day or eating.....a review of a product.....any collabs or tags that I am asked to participate in.....anything and everything.....just random bonus videos!  I will be linking those videos to my blog as often as possible.

The videos are also done in advance....usually I finish the videos for the week ahead of me and have them uploaded and scheduled quite early.  I usually spend those lazy weekend mornings where we are just lounging a bit before we head out for our weekend activities  on editing videos.  This is working for me.   This allows me the time during the week to film the clips that I need and to write my  scripts.....basically just do whatever needs to be done.

I also have been toying with a second blog.  It is a bit of travel and a bit of reviews.  I am still toying with it to find my niche....but I will be trying to post there on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  This one is still in the works and is still being developed so I am not quite ready to make bold statements about definitely posting and what I'm posting!  Or even if it is going to stick around.  Another two posts a week is a huge commitment!  (But that is my word of the year so maybe that's my answer!    Regardless....we shall see.  I am still getting my feet wet with the reviews and the travel reports....time will tell if I like it!

I have a few ideas in the works for some other projects and i am also committed to seeing how the take shape.  And of course I will take you along for the ride when I actually get to a stage that I can share! 

So there you have it.  I am committed and plan to continue my quest in each of these outlets.  They bring me joy, happiness and support.   I am also on the lookout for ways to expand and learn more....so stay tuned.  This next year is my year for commitment and I am going to rock it out!

Out with the old, in with the New

Welcome March!  I for one am happy to pay February to rest for lots of different reasons.  I am more than happy to get one step closer to spring and summer.  March means a time change so we can get away from the infernal darkness (seriously...all week long in the winter...I barely see the sun because I am sequestered in a building...aka working, and the evenings are...dark!).  The other reason I’m ready for March?  Well, February wasn’t a great month for weight loss!  There was effort for sure!   But there was not a whole lot of success!

Let’s start with the goals for the month!  I had some monthly goals....let’s see how I did!!!

1. Track every bite of food. Victory!!!!!  I managed to continue tracking every bite!

2.  Put money into my savings. Success!!!  I managed this AND managed to also pay for my name to be removed from the property that I continue to co-own with my ex!  (The process is still in the works...but getting closer to completion!)
3.  Weigh less than I do now!  I don't care if it's a measly ounce...I want to weigh less!   Failure!  Big time failure!  I not only do not weight less, but I weight more!   My only positive is that I remained within the ‘three pound range’ of fluctuation that I am ok with!  I actually somehowmanacrd ONLY a 0.6 pound Gail for the month...so a half pound gain. Grrrr!
4.  Do something active (a walk suffices) at least 3 times a week. Not a total failure!  I did manage to get a bit more exercise this past month.   I managed to start running ....on the weekends.  I also managed to get a few lunchtime walks in (amidst the snow and cold).  But a consistent three times a week?  Yeah that didn’t happen!  Failure!

5.  Keep my calories within my caloric range at least six days a week....with and emphasis on getting the calories to the lower end of that range as often as possible!  I didnt do too badly with this...surprisingly!  But I didn’t nail it.  The first week of the month I did great!  The second week of the month I did horrible due to a holiday and a planned splurge on a weekend trip.  The last two weeks of the month weren’t horrible.  

So where does that leave me?  For one, I am Disgusted  with myself for wasting a month of effort with nothing to show for it!  But it leaves me with an idea of what I need to do in March.  I have my goals for March.  (The same goals as February actually...I need to totally nail these goals before moving on and adding new ones!). But I also have some ideas of changes that I need to enact.  So I guess it’s time to get into the goals and changes!

Goals for March:

1.  Track every bite of food

2.  Put money into my savings
3.  Weight less than I do now!  I don't care if it's a measly ounce...I want to weigh less!
4.  Do something active (a walk suffices) at least 3 times a week.

5.  Keep my calories within my caloric range at least six days a week....with and emphasis on getting the calories to the lower end of that range as often as possible!  

6.  Step goal on my Fitbit.  150,000 steps for the month.  

As you can see it is the same as February except that I added a sixth goal.  150,000 steps for the MONTH scares me. (Much to my shame)  My job is very sedentary and if I don’t do anything but get up, go to work, go home and make dinner  I end up only getting about 3 thousand steps a day.   This is a pitiful number of steps!  I SHOULD  be getting 10K steps!    But for the sake of doing these changes in baby steps, I am aiming for 5k steps a day.  (And I’m even giving myself a total free day...150k steps is 5k steps for 30 days...March as 31 days!).  This goal scares me...even though I know it had the potential of being VERY easily obtained!

So what are my plans?  

1.  I am going to focus on foods.  The sweet treats, even though they are calculated and entered into my food tracker are weighing me down.  I also knowfrom past  experience that if I eat too many carbs that I do not lose weight.  So I need to work on limiting that!  I just need to clean up my eating!

2. Exercise is another area.  I have promised myself so many times only to break that promise and vow ‘tomorrow’.  Well I am making the promise of three times a week.  When I wrote about this in a recent blog post, Sarah from 3purplethings.blogspot.com commented about promises.  She commented that she makes a promise to her husband or family members and she keeps it.  So I need to start thinking of these ‘tomorrow I will start’ comments as promises to myself.  I respect other people and therefore keep my promises to them...now it’s time to respect myself and keep my promises to myself.  This will involve actually scheduling exercise into my daily routine.  But I’m going to do my best!!!

I think that is enough planning and plotting for the moment!  I KNOW that I have what it takes to make this happen!  I know that I have it into me to lose weight and lie a healthy lifestyle!!!!  Now is the time to do it!!!!

December plans

November...what can I say?  It’s been a month...how is that for vague and bit really informative!!!   OK...this is me and I am open and honest if nothing else.  There were extremely happy moments and utterly sad ones.   There was victories and failures in terms of my weight loss journey.   Through it all, there came a plan for the future.

Emotions

 Emotionally,  was it good or was it bad???

It was a difficult month.   We made it through the first anniversary of dad’s death   I still miss him like everything and can’t believe that he is gone!!!  Oh if only I could talk to him at least one more time!  

The month wasn’t all tears and sadness.   Jason and I celebrated our third year anniversary.    Yup..we have been together 3 years now! That is amazing!!!  I’m still amazed at how amazing a GOOD relationship really is!!!

 Victories for the month

I started to workout in the morning.   Ok, don’t get too excited, I am not working out hard core intense!!!   But it’s 20-25 minutes of activity...four mornings a week...at 5:30 AM!!!  Other than one or two days where I was fighting off a sickness, I’ve not skipped any days!!

The other big victory was definitely my eating on Thanksgiving Day   I had the eating challenge ...and it went perfectly and I felt in control!!!!

Failure for the month

Yeah, my weight...totally failure.  I am about 3 pounds higher at the end of the month than what I was at the beginning of the month!   Yes...I’m ashamed!!!

Future 

So what’s up for the future?

I am going to have some changes at work. I am being moved to a different team.  That in itself is a change...and lots of learning.  But....on top of the new team and new knowledge,  my schedule is changing.  It’s only a half hour...but it is going to eat up that exercise time that I just carved into my daily routine.  I started a habit and now I don’t know what to do.   I will be waking up at 5:30 each day to get ready to go to work....and yeah, I could get up at 5AM...but...well.....    sprightly now my thinking is to try to do something for a half hour when I get home each night.  

The other thing?  I am challenging myself.  I’m saying 10 pounds in December!!!   It’s a lofty goal...especially since it’s a holiday season!!!  And birthday season in my family.  (December 10th is the best one ever...my b-day!!).   I have set the 10 pound goal, but I’m just hoping to have the downward trend happening!!!!!  Anything down on the scales will be a victory!!!!

So there you have it...the good, the sad, the shameful, the plans!!!!

Fitness level check in: it’s not good

A few years ago I used to be relatively fit. Something happened though and I find myself in a very unhealthy place or rather unfit place.  I’m not talking about my weight (although that needs to change also).  I’m not even talking about the healthy/unhealthy foods I may or may not eat (although I actually eat relatively healthy).   I’m talking about muscle tone and the capability of my body!

While my doctor was totally satisfied with my numbers from my blood work and labeled me as pretty healthy despite my weight, I am not fit!

Three, four, five years ago I was fit. I was still overweight, but I was incredibly fit. It was nothing for me to go to back to back to Zumba classes and work out for two hours straight! And usually, in the morning before the Zumba, I had gone out and  run a few miles. I was capable of doing amazing things. I remember one day many years ago riding my bike for an hour or two , getting home and going for a three mile run.....just because.  

When I met Jason I was still running and going to Zumba and  as I started to hike with him it was easy...because I was in shape.   Thank you Zumba!   But then my beloved Zumba class ended .  I couldn’t find a class that worked with my schedule so I lost that exercise outlet.   I didn’t see a difference immediately....we were still hiking heavily...and walking mad miles every evening, so I was still moving.  I thought I would be fine.

I started to notice a difference about 9 months later...I didn’t feel as toned and strong.  But I was still moving and active.   We added biking into our repoirtoire.  I should have been fine...right? Maybe...maybe not!!  

A change in jobs and we didn’t get out as much...and I couldn’t run as often.  And it all went to pot!

I am appalled at the shape I’m currently in!  My body protests at the simplest things.  I still push myself forward.  I still am riding (when the weather cooperates...which hasn’t been frequently in the last weeks) and I still walk as much as possible (with a few days skipped here and there) at work. But my body aches when I push...my body ached after just a few hours of walking at the fair    My body is not thanking me for taking care of it!!!

We saw a clip the other night on tv (it was part of some show on human bodies on PBS) and they were talking about an 87 year old triathlete.  Yes.  You read that right!   87 and actively competing AND finishing triathlons and Ironman competitions.   I looked up his website  and he had some words of advice...so I am including them....credit goes to Lewis Hollander

1.  USE  IT OR LOSE IT.

2. Go hard, live long.
3. Go anaerobic every day.
4. Eat well, fruits and vegetables with abundant supplements
5. Set your plans well in advance and have achievable goals.
6. Have a stress free relationship.
7. Keep socially active and interested in life and it’s challenges.

8. There are no fat old people so watch your calorie intake.

Use it or lose it....yeah, I’m losing it!  

I know I need to do something!  My work days are long and busy.  But I know that’s an excuse.  Jason and I were talking and we have vowed to get back to riding after work each day (those  really hot days followed by a week or two of rain derailed us). But even if we get derailed by weather (and darkness when the time changes) I have a bike trainer .  (Amazon Affiliate Link)  It’s even set up with my old TRek! 

So that’s one step.  We are talking about doing some serious hiking this winter...which includes purchasing a new year pass for the Shenandoah National Park (we will most likely pay  the extra 25 bucks and get the National Park pass for all parks).   I would ultimately like to run a bit also...   so lots of activity forecasted.  But the other component....I NEED to add some strength training back into my daily routine!!   It doesn’t need to be huge and heavy.  I was toned through Zumba...and that mostly relied on my own bodies resistance and not heavy weights.  I can actually use the stability ball  (Amazon Affiliate Link) that I have..which is already blown up!!  I can also use the “perfect push ups” (Amazon Affiliate Link) that we have (Jason had them...I’ve not used them yet!).  I can do it!  I just need to make it a priority AND a habit in my daily routine!!!

Things need to change!   

I’ve Got This

Happy Friday!

I am so ready for the weekend!   My weekdays are long (my work day is typically 11 hours if I include the commute in the time). So by this time of the week I’m more than ready for the weekend.  But, being a Friday it is the perfect time for a recap of my week!   So here goes.....a little bit of everything!

Biking

We have ridden every evening but one this week.  The reason for the missed day?  My commute one day was extra long due to hideous traffic so I got home a half hour to 45 minutes later...so it was already well past 6:30 when I got home....that coupled with a headache on Jason’s part just doomed that night!  We go as soon as we get home. And while we drag ourselves out the door to go, we always talk about how good we feel for having done it!   I’ve noticed the inclines getting a bit better....and I think part of that ‘hard’ feeling is in my head!  

Eating

My eating this week has been spotty.   I was so determined to smash the pattern  on the scales.  When I did everything right over the weekend and my weight STILL spiked up, I got disgusted.    We all know what happens when disgust takes over right?   No?  Well for me, I give up and eat what I want to eat!    Now, I didn’t totally give up!!!  So that’s a plus!  I still tracked.  I didn’t blow my calories by a ton....in fact I was still within my ‘large’ range of  allowed calories.  (The large range is is 1200 to 1600 calories a day....but I prefer to keep it down near 1200).   Where I slipped up?  I added in more carbs...my favorite!!!  Carbs are not a friend of weight loss efforts for me!   Hey I tracked, that’s something, right???

Weight

So my weight was up three pounds most of the week.  I wasn’t too upset about the three pounds...it’s within my 3 pound range that I am ok with ...in terms of weight  fluctuation. Not happy with it because I want it to be low...but I’m accepting of it!!   The one day though I popped up to 5 pounds higher.  It scared me...and it was definitely NOT ok.   And that scared me into cutting the carbs and getting things back in line!   And happily the weight dropped...it’s still three pounds higher...but at least I’m back into that three pound range!!

My Plan

I’m still happy with my plan and my efforts.   I know that in the long run that this is the best route to long term success.   I know that I could  heavily restrict and give up all forms of cake, pizza, ice cream or whatever and have incredible success.  I could eat salads every day. I did it before...it works, I lost a LOT of weight.   But it also fails.  Just look at me and you can see it failed...I’m overweight...obese really!!!   It failed because it didn’t teach me how to manage everyday living....long term.   There is nothing wrong with salads every day...if you love them every day!!!   I love a good salad...but not every day.   Some days I love a good cheesy slice of pizza.   For me the restriction just   took away things I love.  The love of those things never went away.  I didn’t eat cake...but I still loved it!   So this time, I’m slowly figuring out how to have the things I love (in moderation) yet still lose weight and be healthy!!!!   I’ve got this...even during weeks when I feel helpless and lost like this past week!!!

Magical cookies: weight loss thoughts

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about where I am in my weight loss journey. I’ve been thinking about what my plans are and how often to weigh myself.  Really, I’ve been thinking about everything. I think some of that comes from the fact that I have read the first couple years of this blog and I saw where I was, I saw the struggles I saw the success.  I had incredible success. I lost between 130 and 150 pounds of weight. I felt spectacular. However, I regained weight.  Let’s be honest, I regained a lot of weight. Right now I’m looking at roughly 65 pounds to lose in order to get back to my lowest weight. It could be worse, I could have gone back to where I was at the beginning… Or even worse, I could’ve gone back to the beginning and then added another 30 pounds. So all is not lost (gained).   Even more importantly.... I can go back to all of those old posts and all of my memories and see where the problems started. I can see where the problems occurred and by recognizing the problem, hopefully I can avoid the pitfalls. So what am I planning on doing differently? And are my plans really working?   For the last month or two I have been preaching ‘live’.  I don’t want to live a life of restriction.  I don’t want to live a life of ‘never having an indulgence.’  I want to find that balance where I can be in a healthy place yet not feel so restricted.  So where am I?  

I got really serious about losing in early June. But I continued to struggle until the middle of the month.  And at that point my weight was 254.6.  This week I have seen as low as 246.8 on the scales. (Yesterday) That’s 7.8 pounds.  Now my official weight this morning was...  but that is ok, I know I ate a meal that was higher in sodium last night. 

Daily Weigh In

 I weighed myself every day back when I lost the bulk of my weight.  Early on in my journey, I didn’t weight myself daily.  And in early posts, I wrote about how I was so stressed when I didn’t weigh myself because I was fearful of not knowing how I was doing. Because of that, I started weighing myself every day. Over the next 8 to 10 years, I stayed on track for the most part with weighing daily.   And I noticed something?  Whenever  I was weighing daily, I typically stayed on track with my eating....when I didn’t weigh daily I kinda gave myself a ‘pass’ from good food choices also.  So I knew I want to continue this behavior.   I got to thinking the other day when a friend emailed me and talked about maybe giving up the daily weigh in. I respect this friend’s opinion greatly so I really decided to give this one some thought.  She brought up the fact that I seem to get discouraged when my weight is up a bit.   And this is true.  I readily admit it!  So do I need to weigh daily?  Yes, for me..yes.   I know that not weighing for me gives me that freedom of thought that ‘I can be bad..I have until my weigh in day!’   But the daily fluctuations...that is the issue I need to overcome.

So how can I manage to overcome those daily fluctuations?  I honestly think that I have been going in the right direction in my though processes over the last few weeks.  I’ve been talking more about a ‘range of weight’.  In that post I wrote about accepting my weight as long as it is within three pounds of my lowest observed weight.   If I am ‘living’ the. I know that my weight will fluctuate because some days my eating and exercise will be spot on...but some days one or the other (or both) will be haywire because I’ll be living and accepting life as it comes my way.  So I will be ok with the lazy Saturday where no run, bike ride or hike occur and we instead sit on the couch watching movies all day long. I will also be ok with the ice cream indulgence during the hellishly hot days if the summer. Let me rephrase...I will be ok as long as I am within three pounds of my lowest recently recorded weigh.

This plan is solid.  I’ve read a few blogs where people have been doing something similar.   And most recently I read a blog about maintenance where she posted a graph showing what ‘maintenance’ looks like.   While I’m not in maintenance mode..yet.  The post really hit me...because yes I’m in losing mode and losing mode has two purposes.  One of is obviously to lose.  But the second and possibly even more important goal of this stage, learning to live healthy and practice for weight loss maintenance.  Her post showed that there are fluctuations daily. And she is still slowly working on a few pounds here and there...just shifting that ‘range’ down further a little at a time.

So I think I’m in the right path.  The biggest thing is just retraining my mind to not be upset about the fluctuations. As long as my bottom number keeps inching downward I’m happy!!!   This slow method may take more time, but I will be so much better prepared and equipped to handle maintenance!

Furthermore, when I share my ‘official weight’ I will be sharing my ‘low weight’ for the week and giving the acceptable weight range.  So for example.  If my lowest weight for the past 7 days  was 245.0 pounds I would say that my official weight was 245 with my acceptable weight range up to 248 pounds.

So where I am I weight wise?

I got really serious about losing in early June. But I continued to struggle until the middle of the month.  At that point my weight was 254.6.  Earlier this week my weight popped way high with no reason...but then the next day dropped right back down once again with no reason.  I struggled...(which is what brought about these deep thoughts on where I’m at and what I’m doing).  Today I stepped on the scales...  245.4....I’m in awe...I’m in shock.  I’m ecstatic!   That is 10.2 pounds GONE since mid June!!!   So my weight 245.4. And I will be ok with the scales up to 248.4 to account for those daily fluctuations!!

Eating

This is a big one for me.  I know I need to limit my carbs.  I know that I need to limit my sweet treats.   I also know that the snack when I get home from work needs to go away unless it really is a true hunger that is driving me to the kitchen for that snack.   Notice I’m not eliminating anything totally.  I did the elimination thing once before...and I had amazing success!  It works!  It also failed me!  Just look at my current picture and you can see it failed!

(Not exactly current but I don’t have current full body shots...I have lots of chest up pics though...selfies! So this March 2018 picture will have to suffice)

 I found out the hard way that did me, living a life of restriction, for the rest of my life is not sustainable. When I was losing the first time I was frequently asked ‘is this sustainable, can you live like this forever.’  I was gung ho and said ‘yes, of course’.  You see, I was in control.  As long as I didn’t indulge I was fine, strong and capable.   However, the first time I got the taste of cake and desserts (on a vacation and at a wedding) I lost control. Big time loss of control. It had been such a ‘taboo’ thing in my life that when I finally did say ok to the food, I went crazy!  I don’t want anything in my life to be taboo.  (Ok within reason...some things in life should always be taboo...drugs, etc...but I’m talking food here, not those extremes!).  There is a fine line of balance between indulging and gluttony.  There is a fine line of balance between being in control and going off the rails crazy (either dieting or eating like a fool).   There is a fine line of balance between living a healthy lifestyle that is sustainable and one that will eventually crash and burn.   I have already crashed and burned once.  I don’t plan on doing that again.  So that means that I have to find that fine line of balance.

The balance for me?  For a few  weeks I made desserts for Jason, but didn’t touch them (I had maybe one piece of rice crispy treats out of three batches that were made in a two-three week period...yeah he is on a rice crispy treat kick!). Then one week I made cookies...my all time favorite (chocolate peanut butter banana cookies).  And I indulged.  The no/limited dessert weeks, I lost.  The indulge weeks maybe not as much...more like a maintain.  Balance...this goes hand in hand with the weigh in section above....I just need to retrain my mind to accept the indulgent weeks...  

Scales are Stupid

The biggest thing I need to retrain myself to remember is that there are fluctuations in the scale.  Some fluctuations are caused by indulgences.  Some fluctuations are caused by carb intake.  Some fluctuations  are caused by water intake or lack there of.  Some fluctuations are hormonal.  I need to remember that the fluctuations are NORMAL as long as I’m within that range of weight that I have allowed myself.

And just to prove how stupid the scales are? Ironically my weight  was really high this week on Tuesday for no reason....I got home from work and made the heavenly chocolate peanut butter banana cookies and my weight dropped the next day...and the day after to my all time low today, even though I ate cookies each day.  Which does prove that scales are stupid or maybe they are magical cookies.......

Reasons to push forward

Isn’t it crazy how our minds work?

On Monday I was gung ho and the scales were looking good, things were fantastic.  I was able to eat and stay in budget and close  to plan.   I was in budget with my calories and I was really close to my step count for the day. 

On Tuesday I woke up and my weight was up.  It was back to where it was on Friday, so technically I have not had a gain for the week. But the mind plays some nasty nasty tricks. I have talked about the mini me that sits on my shoulder before. It’s the voice in my head that tells me that I suck at running, it’s the voice in my head that tells me to eat chocolate, it’s the voice in my head that sends me on a nose dive off the cliff into unhealthiness.

So yesterday morning my weight was up and I was bummed out but I moved on with my day, and my normal plans for food. Traffic was horrendous, so I did not make it to work in time to walk. But I walked on my first break! And then I crashed between the first break and my lunch break.  I literally crashed and burned. I was tired.  I couldn’t focus. I was just feeling really punkish. I knew I had to do something… So I planned to swing by a store during my walk to get a caffeinated drink. All was still good, I was going to eat my fruits and vegetables and I was still going to walk. And then the mini me arrived. Oh she arrived,  did she ever! What did she say? “Your weight is already up, you may as well eat like a pig today and just start tomorrow.”  Boy was she Screaming!

Did I listen to her words? Sadly yes… To an extent. I did not eat the cupcake from the cupcake store.  I did not get macaroni and cheese with extra cheese from potbelly. I did not stock up on candy from the candy store. I did however go to the cafeteria and get a chicken sandwich which I ate with the banana from my lunch. I passed on the chips, which is a victory. But in fairness I will admit that I got a three musketeers bar also. The food/sugar made a huge difference in my afternoon. I didn’t feel so brain-dead, I didn’t feel like I was going to pass out from exhaustion, and I lost that feeling like I was going to cry.  So in fairness it may have been a wise choice.

Oh and in case you missed it… I went to the cafeteria for lunch… That means there was no walk. I did walk on my last break though. I was pretty much confined to the house last night due to some pretty vicious storms that ripped through my county/town. 7 inches of rain in two hours is a fair amount of rain. We  weathered the storm just fine. (There was a storm the night before that had us under tornado  warnings/watch, but that storm was fast moving so it did not dump as much rain on us.)

It is what it is. I’m OK with the decision I made to eat a larger lunch yesterday. I’m OK, but bummed by the continued higher weight on the scale… I was pretty much the same weight today that I was yesterday morning.

So today’s mission is to ignore the voice of my mini me as she tells me that I need cookies and cake and candy while I am at work. My weight is up…this weigh is the highest I have been in a while, but that is not reason to give up and “start tomorrow. “

That said, I was thinking last night on my drive home. I was thinking about where life is, where I think life is going, and where I want life to be in future years. I need to keep my future, my goals, my hopes,  my dreams first and foremost in my mind. There is so much I want to do and so much that can conceivably happened, amazing things. I don’t want to face life and my future at this weight… I want to face these things at a much lower weight. They will still happen at the higher weight, most likely… I’ve always tried to not let my weight hinder me. But if I want to be the best me as life moves forward I need to get my weight under control.

So I’m going to throw it out there right now… I am probably not going to reach my step goal this week… It is supposed to rain through Saturday night Sunday morning. That will hinder my break and lunch. I’m not giving up, But I am saying inclement weather is out of my control.

Meanwhile, the arthritis is kicking! The weather is playing a number on my knee… OK maybe my weight is playing a factor on it also. Just one more reason to get this fixed!

Indicators of success

I planned my day carefully yesterday.  After my overage on calories due to the craziness of life on Wednesday, I wasn't going to let that happen on Thursday.  So I planned.  I planned carefully because I knew I was going out with friends after work.  I made sure I left enough calories for any eventuality (ie in case the meal I planned to eat was not available for whatever reason and I had to get something else.  I tell you.  I was READY)  I looked forward to my evening out all day.  I got off work at six....and arrived at the location.  My friend  had gotten there early and how polite of my friend......already ordered AND ate.  Seriously?  What freakin' kind of friend does that.  So they were ready to roll onward.  It didn't give me any option...other than being a bitch and saying "I haven't eat...so go ahead, even though I haven't seen you in ages I'm not going along because I'm going to eat".  I spent the time with my friend.  I'm trying to take the focus off food and enjoy interaction with friends and such more.  So it really wasn't a difficult decision.  (it's still incredibly rude of them).  Anyway...so I end up getting home at 10PM...and I STILL hadn't eaten.  And I had over 600 calories to eat.  Crazy, but my first thought was, 'how in the world will I consume almost 700 calories before I got to bed"...because that's a LOT of calories.   I ended up having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich....and I thoroughly enjoyed the extra spoon of peanut butter.  I also had a single serve bag of sun chips.  Voila....calories consumed REALLY quickly.  But I stinkin' ate at 10PM (later actually).  And I gulped that food down with a diet soda. 

I decided to step on the scales this morning.  It's really not good. WAY UP  I want to cry it's so bad.  Really????   My hope is that it was the late meal (and I weighed earlier in the morning than I normally weigh) and the sodium from the last two days!  I'm HOPING.    (let me pause to drink some water)

Even as I type my hopes and my fears about the number on the scales I want to scream at myself.  I'm in this to be healthy.  I'm in this to look good.  I'm not in this to be a number on the scale.  I'm not in this to have this super low pace when I run.   I'm not in this to measure my success by NUMBERS.  I'm on this journey to be healthy!  I"m on this journey to not be obese. I'm on this journey to win my life back.  Yes, I know that my numbers on the scales will drop as I win my life back.    I know that as I win my life back that my clothes sizes will drop exponentially.  I know that...and I thus I watch the numbers because I know that they will drop.  But I need to stop focusing on the numbers.  Numbers are just that.  NUMBERS...a momentary figure that is assigned to progress.  It doesn't define what I did yesterday, or this morning or this evening...it is a glimpse of ONE SECOND of my life.  I need to figure out how to take the focus away from numbers.  I thought I was well on the way do doing thise.  I had thought that it would be a good idea to set no number goals.  I have no clue when I'll get to my goal weight....I don't care. I will get there when I get there.  However, I find myself worried about the scales.  Saddened when I see higher numbers  today (which very well are most likely late eating combined with higher sodium in my diet...I hope).  I am living my life chained these numbers. 

I didn't want to be chained to food....and I don't want to be chained to numbers. 

SOOOOO while I will still plan to weigh and while I will freely admit that the scales were not kind to me this morning, let me share what I saw in the mirror mere moments after I saw the borderline depressing numbers on the scale.  I got dressed and I walked into the bathroom to fix my hair.  I saw myself in the mirror.  I wasn't posturing or sucking my gut in.  I was just being me and I was amazed.  I could SEE the definition in my body.  I'm shaping my body from a fat blob into a defined female shape.  That's a HUGE indicator that I'm doing something right!  And honestly?  Isn't that a better indicator than some stupid number on the scale????