Life as an Obese Person

 

Life as an obese person is not free. There is a price one must pay if they are obese and I don’t mean actual money.    Although; the cost of healthcare for obesity related illnesses is astronomical, that is not the cost that I am referring to.  What I am referring to is the gut-wrenching realization that your weight is once again inhibiting you from living your life to the fullest.   It could even be that split second when you have to think about your weight.  It is the panic that there will be a weight related snafu.  It is staying ahead of any potential 'fat trauma'. The financial cost of obesity may be high, but I actually believe that the emotional cost may be higher yet.

Jason and I just enjoyed a vacation.   We didn’t go anywhere special.   We slept in our own bed each night.   We spent some time around the house working but we also did a few little day trips to explore, get out and just have fun.   Even with all that relaxation and fun, I had some moments that stood out to showcase the rising cost of my obesity. 

I have already written about the first moments on my vacation that was a gut wrenching expose of the rising cost of my obesity.   That was when I talked about my diminishing fitness level.   Yes, walking around museums and racking up a whole measly seven thousand steps caused my legs to ache and scream in protestation.   Seven thousand.  Not seventy thousand.  SEVEN THOUSAND.   That is shameful!  It was embarrassing and it's utterly emotional for me.

The second thing that happened was the day we went to Crystal Grottoes. This is a cavern relatively close to us. It has been years since I have toured a cavern and I was looking forward to it.  We entered the building and I was standing in line to pay for our tickets while Jason used the restroom. My eyes fell to the signs giving guidelines.  The first item said “No large purses or backpacks.”  My mind immediately thought. “No Problem” but then I kept reading.

 

You see, they went further to give their reasoning as to why they didn’t allow backpacks or large purses.  The reasoning was because there were tight passages and backpacks would be in the way.  Immediately I began to worry.  What was I worried about?   If you are obese, you probably know where my thoughts had gone.  I was worried that I would be too big for some of the passages.    Yes, I began to fret, internally; about being so big that I would brush the walls or worse have to take the fat man’s route through the tunnel.    I didn’t let on that I had this internal dialogue rolling through my head and I was able to calm myself down when I thought about the fact that they didn’t say anything about overweight people, nor did the person taking my money seem anything but pleased that I was visiting.  And yes, it was all ok and I did enjoy the tour.  But the fact that I had that dialogue in my head is sobering.  It’s the emotional cost of obesity.

 

I can’t even tell you how many times this has happened in my life.  During school I worried about those blasted desks that had the chair and the tabletop attached, they are a tight fit for someone that is larger.   The same with some restaurant booths.  It’s a worry.  It’s a struggle.  It’s an uncomfortable fit sometimes.  Finding clothes that fit and yet look decent while covering my body in a sufficient way is another one.  I’m always worried about my shirt riding up and exposing my belly (which we all know would cause the world to stop spinning right?).   Eating out, especially at a buffet strikes emotions because you feel as if everyone is looking at the ‘fat girl’ to see what she is eating!  What about the fact that my mind is constantly searching for potential embarrassment.  When I find something I preemptively made a disparaging remark about myself and my 'fatness'.  You see, it's easier to make fun of myself then it is when others make fun of me.   I could go on and on about the emotional costs.

 These are just the icing on the cake in a world of obesity created emotions and fears.  It pervades every aspect of life.  It seeps deep into your bones.  It is a world that is foreign to anyone that has never lived this life.  It’s not pleasant. It’s not fun.  It’s just …….life as an obese person.

I can’t be broken: nothing but victory

When someone talks about living a healthy lifestyle the first thought is always diet and what foods to eat.   Immediately following the thoughts of diet is exercise.  While those two aspects are indeed huge components of a healthy lifestyle there is so much more involved in a healthy lifestyle.  One of the biggest and most overlooked components is our emotions and mental state, which I touched on in one of my most recent posts when I talked about daily life stress    But beyond daily stress, what baggage do we have in our life that is hindering us in regards to achieving a healthy lifestyle?

A few weeks ago I was listening to the song ‘Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken’ by Pink.   (Lyrics and link to the song at the end of the post). I was thinking in terms of weight loss.  This weight loss journey may beat me down...it may make me bleed and cry but it was not going to win...I would not be broken!  In the back of my mind I planned to write some (I am sure it would have been most decidedly amazing) post about the song and how it was my battle cry...and I would have victory!   The words for the post were forming in my head.  But then something happened to change my mind about the direction that I wanted this post to take!

I was driving to work a while back and the song ‘Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken’ started to play.   Naturally, I started to sing along. I knew that the song would be sticking in my head and I would probably be humming it all day long and into the weekend (as this took place on a Friday.)  I laughed a bit and knew immediately what Jason would say when he caught me singing.  What would he say?  ‘I love to hear you sing, you have such a pretty voice.’ I smiled as I thought this...simply because how lucky am I to have such an incredible man love me!    But followed upon those happy thoughts were the unpleasant memories of my previous relationship.  They were memories of the ridicule I faced when I sang and the derision I heard about my voice which could never be as good as the ‘so called professionals’ he worked with.    Wow!  Where did those memories come from was my thought!   Regardless, I kept listening to the song and woah....the words took on a whole new meaning for me!

I felt the emotions and pain of my previous relationship even as I felt the power surge through me with the thought that those experiences did not break me!  Nothing held me back!  But then all of a sudden I was sobbing.  I knew in that one clear instance on a snowy morning commute that the baggage of my ex marriage really was holding me back!   Emotionally AND with my quest for a healthy lifestyle!  Emotionally?   I DON’T sing out loud as often as I do in my head.  It is just a trained response.  ‘Don’t sing in order to to avoid ridicule’, my mind screams.  I know that there will be NO ridicule in my relationship with Jason, but the baggage is there...the damage was done.  I started singing years ago (when I left my ex) and my voice is coming back....but it’s a slow process as my mind slowly rights itself.  There are other hang-ups, some more personal, some silly and some serious, but they are there and through the love of an amazing man, I am working through them.  The baggage created in a very unhealthy relationship took up residence in my mind years ago and now I am working evict those thoughts!

That revelation was deep enough right?  Apparently not.  My mind just kept swirling and I had a startlingly clear epiphany about my weight loss efforts.  Yes, I desperately want to lose weight.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be happy.  I want to be thin. I want to wear amazing ‘thin’ clothes. (Because let’s face it, thin clothes are usually prettier and more stylish than ‘fat’ clothes.)  I want this.  BADLY.    So why am I not working my butt off (figuratively AND literally) to attain it?  The answer was clear that morning while I listened to the song.   Why not?   The answer was simple…all of this baggage creates a fear within me to change the status quo.   It’s plain and simple fear.

I lost my weight the last time to MAKE a man love me. (Which didn’t work…..and looking at what I have now….thank heavens it didn’t, I’m in a much better place and way happier than I would have EVER been in that previous relationship.)   But for so many years my head was wrapped around the idea that weight loss would ‘help’ my relationship.  Because of that thrust to lose weight to save the marriage, the weight loss and weight gains in my mind became  the reason he cheated on me.  (No matter what I was, my ex always made it clear that the ‘other way’ was better…and I DO know that he cheated because he was a scoundrel...it just took me a while to realize that!) So that day it became clear that I fear making the changes…because if I do, I am upsetting the balance of  my current relationship and putting it at risk!   How utterly stupid am I?  

So let me think for a minute about this.  Jason has made it clear that he loves me right where I am and any weight loss/weight gain does not change who I am.  He tells me all the time that I am gorgeous to him now. He has also seen pictures of me at my lower weights and he likes what he sees there….in terms of my body.  But honestly, what he notices about the ‘thin’ pictures is NOT my weight difference.  What he notices in the old pictures is the sadness in my eyes.  Weight is NOT an issue with him.   I should have NO FEAR…he just wants to see the sparkle of happiness  in my eyes!

 So if I heed the baggage in my head I lose no weight and gain nothing.  But what happens if I banish that emotional baggage?   I gain a more healthy body.  I can have a   body that can more easily  ride the mountain bike trails on my trusty bike.  I can have a body that can more easily hike up and down mountains.   I can a body that can allow me to live a healthy and active life…with the man that only wants to make my eyes sparkle with happiness.  

Yeah, it’s time to start living to my fullest…….because Wild hearts Can’t be Broken. (Click for link to the song)

Lyrics:

I will have to die for this I fear
There's rage and terror and there's sickness here
I fight because I have to
I fight for us to know the truth

There's not enough rope to tie me down
There's not enough tape to shut this mouth
The stones you throw can make me bleed
But I won't stop until we're free
Wild hearts can't be broken
No, wild hearts can't be broken

This is my rally cry
I know it's hard, we have to try
This is a battle I must win
To want my share is not a sin

There's not enough rope to tie me down
There's not enough tape to shut this mouth
The stones you throw can make me bleed
But I won't stop until we're free
Wild hearts can't be broken
No, wild hearts can't be broken

You beat me, betray me
You're losing, we're winning
My spirit above me
You cannot deny me
My freedom is burning
This broken world keeps turning
I'll never surrender
There's nothing, but a victory

There's not enough rope to tie me down
There's not enough tape to shut this mouth
The stones you throw can make me bleed
But I won't stop until we're free
Wild hearts can't be broken
Wild hearts can't be broken
This wild heart can't be broken

A glitch in thinking: weight loss emotions

How often do we feel like giving up??? How often do we just want to throw in the towel and say ‘enough is enough’.  I’m done attempting to do this weight loss thing.  It is bound to happen.  And happen it did to me this week!

After my fabulous weekend when I smashed my goals but showed a gain on the scales I headed into the work week super motivated to knock this weight loss into high gear.   I had already stocked the house with healthy snacks and nutritious foods so I was ready!

On Monday I rolled through my day pretty well.  I kept to my plan and honestly feel as if I did well.   And the scales still didn’t budge!   So on Tuesday while I stayed on plan....I really dealt with a whole lot of emotional angst!  My underlying thought that tippled through my brain at regular intervals was the concept of ‘is this even worth it?’   I mean, I like myself.  I’m head over heels in love and he doesn’t seem to mind my excess weight. So seriously...why am I torturing myself?   What in the world am I doing?

Now even as I write this a day later, part of me just wants to end the post right there.   But I have to be fair....I am doing this for a variety of reasons.

I want to be fit and active.   I want to be able to hike and ride my bike and do things.  I want to wear neat clothes and not be self conscious about my body.  And I want to be the way I was when I lost the weight.  I had so much energy, I had so much pep in my step, I felt on top of the world!  I want that.

But yet...on days where progress is just not happening I question my determination to do this to completion!

I am still working on this.  I don’t know what the problem is.  In an e-mail to a friend yesterday I talked about where I’m at.  It seems as if the only thing I can do is drop my calories to 1200...because I’m not losing at 1500 calories.   I didn’t want to do that because that level is very ‘restrictive’ and I have been trying to find a balance...even if it is a much slower weight loss journey for me....it would be a good trade off.  But that said, I’m barely maintaining at 1500 calories.  Tracking every bite...my food for yesterday??  Banana for breakfast...side salad with cheese (for protein) with honey mustard dressing (the only non veggie things in the salad was the cheese and salad dressing) and I also had some cut up fresh pineapple for lunch.     For dinner I had a cup of leftover spaghetti and a bowl of vegetarian three bean chili ....I had fat free sour cream with the chili....I was still hungry so I ended my dinner with 1/2 cup cottage cheese....which hit the spot.   

That is a typical day.   Banana for breakfast, fruit and a salad (or a pb&j) for lunch, and a nututious balanced dinner.    (Tonight is a Parmesan Chicken, Baked zucchini Parmesan and another side veggie or roasted potatoes...as yet undetermined...pretty balanced)

So who knows!  I have not given up...just allowing my emotional angst to play itself out and hopefully go away!  

We had snow lasts night...and now cold.  Lucky us (and lucky most people in the stares as the cold is pretty widespread!). So I will leave you with a snow picture!!

In the meantime....I’ll keep fighting the emotional demons down!!!

Weight journey and shifting emotions

Finding happiness in this journey is a mixed bag of success and failure!  On any given day I can go from satisfied with my progress to utter despair at where I am. It seems as if my emotions are swinging wildly in every direction!   I’m happy with myself one minute but then shortly thereafter, I’m almost in tears at the state that I have allowed my body to disintegrate into.

Last Saturday I stepped onto the scale for my official weekly weigh in.  I was hoping to see good results for my first week and a half of this new month (and new year).  I waited for the scales to settle and then looked down at the number on the scale. I quickly calculated my numbers and saw that I had managed a 2 pound loss in the first week and a half!   Victory!!!!!  I barely refrained from dancing a jig right there on the scales!   I followed my normal morning routine and stepped into the shower after my weigh in.  And that is where I had an immediate and complete change in my thought process.   Where I had looked at the difference in numbers just a few moments earlier, I was now focused on the actual number.  250.8.  Ouch!  How horrible is that?   I was filled with shame.  I was filled with fury at myself for allowing myself to get back to that point.   I was filled with utter despair at the long path before me!   In a matter of minutes I had gone from complete exhilaration to utter despair.  

My emotions really do run the gamut during a typical week.  It is crazy and I really have no clue how to rectify it.  I can tell myself to ‘just be happy’ with the process.  I can tell myself to settle in and enjoy the ride. And I do tell myself these things.  However, it’s been hard recently.  

I didn’t allow myself to give up after my Saturday weigh in and shift of emotions.  While my calories were higher over the weekend following that weigh in, it was not binge eating or even ‘I give up’ eating.  It was simply weekend eating ...or if you want to call it something else...call it ‘living’.   (As a side note, I still ate well under the calorie level that Myfitnesspal says that I need to eat to maintain!  I was still in a ‘losing’ caloric range.)

However, my weight popped up on Monday.  (Which added to the discontent.). I haven’t let it deter me.  It had made me tighten my belt and dig in harder.  I KNOW that I have the mental fortitude to do this.  I just need my body to cooperate with my efforts!  I didn’t let the negative numbers slow me down.   I allowed the emotions to run through me and I looked at those numbers and said ‘I won’t let you get to me, I WILL just work harder!’   I used thenegative emotions to push me harder.

One thing I thought about today in my shower.  (Why yes...I do have deep thoughts in the shower...and while I am out running!). My thought was that I need to get back to the ‘three pound range’.   Last summer I instituted a three pound rangefew with in my mind.  It basically is a plan that I take the lowest number I’ve seen on the scales and as long as I’m fluctuating within 2-3 pounds, I’m ok...normal fluctuation.   So at my current level...my most recent low weight of 250.8 I would be within ‘fluctuation’ range as long as I remained lower than 253.8.    This is just one more way to take away that stigma of failure...to in fact embrace it!  In embracing the fluctuations I am devaluing the message that the scales give me, which will lessen the impact that those numbers have.

I know that my feelings are swinging wildly in all directions as I embark (reembark) upon this road to health.  And yes, I refuse to say on this path to thinness....because that is not my ultimate goal...my ultimate goal is health!   Being thin is a side affect...a fabulous side affect.   I don’t know why they are swinging wildly, but the only thing I can do is to make sure that when they are negative that I use the negative thoughts to spur me forward!  The other thing is that for some reason I have not been turning toward prayer about this journey.  I pray about numerous other things on a daily basis, but I haven’t been turning to prayer in regards to this journey. I have made that adjustment.   Meanwhile, I push forward!

This journey toward health is an emotional one.   There ARE so many conflicting emotions that run the gamut in terms of how we feel.   They are not going to go away.  They will be there. It’s another thing that we need to embrace. Once we embrace those feelings we can turn them to positive.   We can figure out a way to make them less impactful.  We can also figure out how to turn the negative emotions into motivation  to propel us further toward our goals.  They aren’t a bad thing, these emotions are all part of the healing process as I get healthy!

And just because...here is another picture from our weekend walk in the snow!  

The affect of our words

July.....wow, what a month. (and yes I am fully cognizant of the fact that it's not over yet).  At the very beginning of July I was officially diagnosed with Plantars Fasciitis and of  a little lessor of  concern Tarsal Tunnel.  I was told to limit my activities that were high impact.  That was followed up with a bout with the flu/food poisoning (the jury is out about which I had...all I know is that I was absolutely miserable!), on the heels of  that was dealt a huge emotional blow that has left me reeling.  (feel free to imagine and conjure up a story...tame or off the hook spicy...it's all good....imagination is a good thing  ha ha ha).  It's wreaked havoc on my exercise. Seriously, an injury/ache that limited my exercise, the flu that wiped me out and emotions that made me feel like I wasn't worthy of the time needed to invest in this process and new lifestyle.  What a bad combination.  July honestly would have been a TOTAL bust for me weight loss wise (that's assuming I don't gain for this last weigh in that will occur early next week) if it weren't for the fact that I had the flu and I puked some weight off of my body.

Exercise was wonky and lets face it...I'm a food addict.   Did I mention that there have been a lot of emotions involved in the last month?   Well there was.  I barely controlled my eating..there were a few stellar days of eating.  There were a few crazy days of eating.  There were a lot of borderline days of eating.


I went out riding today.  I procrastinated for quite some time this morning.  I was reading blogs and playing around on my computer.  Finally I pushed my computer aside and said, "no more until you go riding."   So I pushed myself out.  Oh yeah, my mind was screaming all sorts of excuses at me...but I ignored them!   I not only went for a ride....I pushed myself for an extra few hellish hilly miles.  OK ok ok, I have to admit it.  My rule is to only unclip and put my feet down if I have to at crossroads/stop signs.  Other than my little problem on the ride with my brother I have been able to hold onto that 'rule' .  Until today.  Yeah, I was on my 'new section' that was hilly.  VERY hilly.  I could see the tail end...the last stop sign before I got back to more familiar territory .  I was struggling up the last hill...out of the saddle...in the saddle..it didn't make a difference....my legs were SHOT at that point.  I went slower and slower, struggling.  I went so slow that I started to go over.   Go over as in FALL DOWN.   Yes, I was of course clipped in.  I saw my life flash before my eyes as I tilted over.  For a split second I thought that I was going to have a date with the pavement.  Somehow instinct took over and I kicked my heel outward, popping me out of the clip and at one of the last possible minutes put my foot on the ground and caught myself.   I rested a few minutes and I'm embarrassed to say that I walked the last 10 feet up the feel (yeah, I was THAT close and I have NEVER walked up a hill...so I ruined THAT perfect record)  Regardless, my ride was done and I DID get back on the bike and went the last 5 miles to get myself home.  :-)

Today as I was slogging up the biggest hill I encountered a motorcycle with two riders came up behind me.  I vaguely knew they were there (hello, you can hear them coming).  They were out cruising and enjoying the historic views surrounding my town.  They slowed down beside me and the woman on the back looked at me and yelled. "This is one hell of a hill, you are doing GREAT!"  They both gave me thumbs up and went on their way.   I had been riding out of my saddle...which is the most difficult thing for me right now, I don't do it too much and it....well I haven't mastered it...it HURTS and my breathing gets out of whack.  SO I was out of my saddle struggling up this hill and their words helped me get to the top.  I don't know who they are...but they meant so much to me today (too bad they weren't there a mile or so later when I was struggling up the hill that undid me...haa haa haa)    Seriously, those words from a stranger meant sooo much to me.

Early this year when I was spending hours out on the battlefield pushing through the C25K training I frequently say a man.  He drove a white truck with West Virginia tags and has a very short fat poodle (seriously, this dog is as wide as she is tall).  I was doing intervals so I was walking a lot of the time and got a chance to stop and pet the dog.  This man NEVER failed to talk to me.   Then I hit the  big wall that you hit during that C25K training..that first 20 minute straight run was a rough one.  I was doing it and pushing through the last few minutes, determined to finish it no matter what.  This man walked by me and said "I've been watching you the last weeks.  You are doing it and it makes me proud and happy to watch your transformation".  I said thanks and didn't even stop to pet the pup because I HAD to finish that straight run to prove it to myself.   I saw him numerous times after that.  We always said hi and I always gave his doggy some attention.   I need to thank him for his words.......they meant so much.  (Unfortunately, after I made the decision to thank him...I've not run into him!)

So compliment people.......encourage people........it has a PROFOUND affect!

PS  I WILL conquer that hill very SOON!!

ahhh life.......

Here’s another two part blog entry.  This is simply because that’s how my mind works….a million directions at once.


 The first topic up for discussion is my relationship with the scale.   I have purposefully not set concrete goals for myself.  Or rather, I’ve set concrete goals but I don’t have a finite end for my goals.  I did not start this year when I recommitted to this journey with a statement that “I will be at my goal weight by my birthday (or whatever date)”  I didn’t want to put unrealistic expectations upon myself.  Even though it wouldn’t be unrealistic to say I would lose 70 pounds (or thereabouts) in 12 months, I didn’t want the pressure on myself.  I wanted to lose the weight but at the same time learn how to really live and eat healthy at the same time.  I have largely been OK with this approach.  I know how much I want to lose (initially at least, I may go lower than that previous low….I’m not cutting myself short this time.  I want to lose the WHOLE WAY!)  I have my goals but I’ve not been bothered with the ‘when’.   Until this week.  I looked at myself and I looked at this year.  I’ve been back on the bandwagon since January (actually I got myself back on track in December, but for the sake of conversation we are saying January).  I’ve lost about 35 pounds.   That is good.  I’m proud of that.  But then I started looking and I’m looked at it more clearly….that’s not quite 6 pounds each month.  I am working my arse off…I should be dropping much more rapidly.  I burn mad calories…by the book and figures I should have lost about 10 last month.  I started to let myself get swayed by the numbers and figures.  Seriously, that time frame and those numbers…..but then I had to sit back and think two things.

1.  My body will lose it at the rate that it needs to for me to be healthy.  I’m not doing a total strict deprivation style eating plan.  I’m eating healthy.  I’m allowing myself to be ‘normal’  (Not fat normal….but not anorexic normal either).  In losing this way and it is making me a stronger person.  My muscles are developing and physically I’m growing stronger.  Mentally I’m growing stronger because I’m learning to deal with the pressures and stress that go along with having a food addiction.    Weight loss is best kept from time frames.   When you start to focus on time frames it’s easy to get depressed and down about your progress.   I should be CHEERING about 35 pounds and not down because it should be more!

2.  The scales do show us progress…..and my progress is slow.  So why?  I could use excuses.  “I’m building muscle”.   Or I could say “I’m exercising too much” (which was suggested to me a while back…ha ha ha) I could even say that “it’s my age”   But those are excuses.  They play a factor but it’s not the reason I’m not losing weight.  So looking at things objectively, I’m not losing weight for a reason.  I struggled on vacation, but still managed to hold it to a very small gain.  I pulled it together enough to recoup my gain and then I’ve been sitting relatively still on the scales.  So what’s happening?   The answer is plain and simple….I’m pushing the boundaries with my eating. Seriously, I'm eating my correct calories. The problem is that I’m eating way too many carbohydrates. Really…..for me to lose I can have bread (and yes, I eat whole grains), potatoes, rice, and pasta.  But I can only have those things on a limited basis.  One of them ONCE a day is my limit.   If I cut back, I do better.  I love my carbs so this is difficult for me and I can look back and see those things creeping back into my life.

 So no excuses allowed.  I don’t care that I am 40 years old.  I don’t care that I am building muscle.  I don’t give a rats ass about any of that.  I will be cleaning up my eating.  Carbs need to be cut back and fruit and veggie consumption ramped up again.  This is my life and I’m taking control

Emotional eating…seriously?  How many times to I have to talk about emotional eating (and emotionally charged decisions about my health)?  Can’t I just get past this emotional eating stuff?  I want to be miraculously healed and never have to face it again.

Desi

So here we are.  Monday night at Zumba something clicked and I started to obsess about money…or rather our lack of money.  I was a hot sweaty mess…emotionally and physically when I left.  I got home and walked into the house and mentioned my stress, fears and worries to my husband, mentioning the need of new tires for my car, the property taxes that will coming out in the next week or two and one or other two big ticket items that HAVE to be attended to SOON.    My husband in his typical narcissist fashion alleviated my fears and worries so well (note the sarcasm). He decided that would be a good time to tell me that the mower was broke (again), he needed drum heads before the band that will be using the studio set in an upcoming session, ohh, Desi needed to go to the vet because he had this weird black lump that was looking really bad,and while we are talking about Dr.'s maybe he should go also for a weird pain he had,  his cell phone is acting weird and may be broke (it is...but I can't imagine we didn't pay for the warranty/replacement plan) and ohhh don’t forget that the AC guy is coming tomorrow (well today now that I'm writing this).   Yeah, kick me while I’m down…..thanks honey.    Stress levels and the emotions rose.  (as a side note...the relay has been replaced on our AC...we will be billed...but along with the bill will be an estimate for our blower that is bad..., Desi had an infected cyst that has been drained and he's OK other than a tooth that apparently needs to be pulled.....and the Dr. visit for Todd...well, he has chicken pox.  Yes, that part amuses me....it also worries me because if he ends up missing work...well, when you are self employed no worky means no money).

I didn’t let the emotions get to me on Tuesday morning.  I got out and ran. (it was a tough run but I persevered).   By the time my work day was over, I had decided to skip zumba.  I can say that my legs still felt as if they were boat anchors and I can honestly say that I had a headache. But I’ve gone to zumba with those ‘issues’ before and I’ve lived to tell about it.  The real reason that I didn’t go was because my emotions took control of my life.  Instead I went home and polished off the rest of the homemade bread that we had on Sunday.  Yeah, four slices of bread.  Warmed up with butter melting into it’s crevices and cracks.  DELICIOUS!   As soon as I was done I felt bad about it…..and I am proud to say that I DID stop right then and there and ate nothing else.  That WAS my dinner.  So I DID stop the binge.  But I allowed my emotions to control my actions and my eating. 

I will probably always have binges.  My emotions will always call out to me.  But I WILL work to keep them as far under control as humanly possible!

There is no ifs ands or buts, I WILL win this war against my weight.   Carbs and emotions will not derail me!   They will just make me stronger!

So this afternoon, after getting home at noon, making and eating lunch.  I took Todd to the Dr. (he was dizzy..ha ha ha) and I got back to the house at 4:30.  I could have scrapped my bike ride, but no.  It was scheduled so out I went. I won't conquer this if I don't ride it.

 I actually hate riding my bike on the road I live on it's narrow. It's up and down hills the whole way and the road surface is pockmarked and HORRIBLE.  I've hated it on my trek and I hate it just as much on my litespeed.  I do it though.....a    Yes, I could throw the bike on my car and skip it...but that's wimping out and I'm NOT wimping out anymore. (granted there will be and there ARE days where I will cart my bike out and ride, but not on a regular basis).  So I pushed through it.  I always ride the southern portion of my road as a point of egress to and from my house on my bike. The northern section I have ALWAYS avoided like the plague (on my trek too)  It's even more hilly than the southern section, and probably even more narrow, if that's possible.  So today I was out there and I actually saw the intersection for the northern end of my road.  I typically just go by it and loop back into my town and enter my road from the southern end.  Today I said what they heck.   I took the road.  It really wasn't bad.  It was actually kinda fun for most of the way. It did cause my bike ride to end on incline, but oh well, I did it!  (I actually think going out that way FROM my house would be worse.....yikes...so maybe I will have to make that a challenge someday!....)   Taking that road actually cut my planned bike ride down by about 3 miles, but you know what?  I don't care.  I faced something that has scared me and I WON!  (and no, I do NOT walk up any hills, that would be unacceptable....I go slow but I pedal the whole way up the hills!)

I think there has been an athlete lurking under all my fat and she just may be trying to emerge. 

Warm comforting Arms of a friend

Getting myself out of bed earlier than normal in order to get my daily dose of Jillian 30 Day shred.   I've made my commitment to this now.  And I WILL complete it.  But let me tell you it was a struggle to do it.  But I did it.   The first round of sets is the killer for me right now.   My arms shake and burn on the first strength move and the cardio segment kills me for some reason.  It does get easier for me from then on out, so that is my consolation and what I kept telling myself this morning.  Anyway...two days down...28 to go.  So here is my question that I will be looking up today.  I've made the commitment to do this for 30 days straight. But shouldn't I be taking a rest day here and there?  However the 'program' is designed otherwise.   Hmmmm  Research time when I get to work (if it's not blocked!)

Last night I left work and my emotions just came crashing down upon me.  I cried the whole way home (ok, don't be too worried, I only live 2.5 miles from work). I skipped my run, I just felt wiped out achy and just not good.  So I walked into my house.   I dumped my bags and before I did anything I opened up the bag of baked barbecue chips (my husband's ..chips are not my downfall so it's not a problem that they are there).  I had a few chips...but since they are not my Achilles heel, I stopped.  However, I looked over at the two pieces of cake that I had cut and individully wrapped.  They haven't been tempting to me at all previously. And I had actually planned to have a small piece of cake that night...and I have saved the calories and eaten properly to account for it.  HOWEVER, emotions were coursing through me.  I ripped open the piece of cake.  It tasted so good.  It was like the arms of a friend were wrapped around me as I ate the cake.  You know where this is going I'm sure.  Yes, I ate the second piece of cake too.   (luckily I had cut very small pieces otherwise the damage would have been much worse).   Those warm arms of a friend that wrapped around me while I ate the cake????   I finished the cake and threw away the tin foil that it was wrapped in and then those warms arms deserted me.  The emotions were still there and the inhalation of the cake only made them worse.  I laid my head on the table and sobbed.    I knew deep inside that food wouldn't take away the pain in my heart.  Yet I still caved.   Once an addict always an addict.  It just reminds me that I have an addiction and that I will ALWAYS have to be on guard for this.  

You want to know what I did after I ate the extra cake?  First of all my belly was flipping from all that extra sugar (yeah, shocked me too) so I didn't eat anything.  A little later I had some strawberries  and a little bit later than that I had a string cheese.  So I was able to keep on track even with a splurge.   I'm on track today.  No feeding my emotions........not gonna happen today.  The emotions may well up but feeding those emotions is NOT an option today!

Emotion Flare up

Sherry asked me this morning if I'm noticing anything different since I've been doing this running thing. I really thought about it.   Physically, I don't see a difference.  People around me have noticed.  My husband asked me the other day if I was losing weight...because he could see it. (I was happy for the compliment but also shaking my head because what does he think I've been doing with all the healthy food....with all the hours of exercise...constantly logging onto myfitnesspal...haa haa haa).  A coworker also said she noticed my clothes just simply fitting me better and not so tight (which is funnier still because I"m also down a size).   But honestly...I do not see a difference.    The difference I personally see is in my mental state.  Before I started running I was going to give it a try.  I didn't know if it would work.  I wasn't sure of it.  I was just going to attempt.  Somewhere along the way I figured out that I COULD do it.  I had it in me.  There really is an athlete inside me. She's been lurking around trying to come out....I just need to work to set her free.  And I WILL set her free.  That said, Sherry and I talked quite a bit about running.  I'm still not sure that running will be my thing.  I have committed to run through this next weekend when I run a 5k on the battlefield.  I have paid for and committed to run in the Paws on the Pavement 5k on May 18th.  I have also vowed that on August 9th I would run in the Donut Alley Rally.  August 9th will be my determining run/race.  As long as my body cooperates (not including aches and pains), I will be running through August 9th.  At that point I will reevaluate. 

I've been sitting back and thinking about my exercise from last week.  The exercise hell week.  Yes, that exercise that I had to really push myself to do, even through the lethargy and heavy as lead legs.  Why?  I have no conclusive answers.  It could have been just something as simple as my body cycle or it could have been something even more simple as my body was fighting off my husband's cold. (the cold he's had for weeks....and I only hd for 3 days...pays to be healthy and fit!)  It could have been anything.  However, it hit me this morning that last week was a rough week for me emotionally too.  It hit me this morning that the emotions may have played a part in my issues.  I struggled this last week. I struggled with the overwhelming loneliness that is part of my life.  The overwhelming need to be simply held, accepted and supported.  Yes, things that I should be getting in my marriage.  I know they are missing and it bothers me. Last week I wallowed in the sadness.  Last week it got the best of me.  Could that have had something to do with the issues exercising?  I'm not sure.  I don't know how to shake the emotions.  I do know this........I'm pushing through it and I'm NOT GIVING UP!

Happy

I think a big part of this journey is being happy with where I am now. I can look back and remember when I was thinner. Remembering how good thin felt is a positive thing. Remembering how bad fat feels is also good. But I can not dwell on the should haves, could haves and would haves. I'm where I am right now and that is all that matters. Comparing myself with the me from 2008 or 2010 or even 2012 is self destructive. Likewise comparing myself to the gal that stands next to me at Zumba or the woman I see walking down the street is self destructive. I am where I am and I have to be happy with it right now. The past is just that...the past. The future though....that's wide open!!!

Thinking thin and very happy with myself!!!

Ohhh and three weeks into the new year and I have lost 8.7 pounds thus far!!! 3.3 pounds this last week!!!

Emotions

Yesterday was the first day of this new year that I did nothing active.  I had great intentions.  I packed my workout clothes and took them to work.  Zumba was restarting after the winter break.  WOO HOO.  I was excited.  I wasn't at work for even an hour before my world imploded.  Yes, imploded.  The issues from Friday that seemingly were at rock bottom?   Nope, definitely not rock bottom on Friday.  And I can only hope that yesterday was rock bottom.  Todd and I were texting back and forth when things became cleat to us and it was terribly difficult for me to text Todd and still hold it together for any customers that came up to my desk.  There was no question in my mind.  I immediately sent out an apology to my friend that was going to be at Zumba with me that night and I told Todd that I would be home at 6 versus 8 and that we would sit down and talk openly and clearly and make some kind of plan of attack.  Todd tends to put his head under the sand about this issue, so this was a big step because I was going to force him to take half of the stress and worry from me. (in theory at least).  I struggled all day.....lost it a few times. (usually when I was alone for a few...I would let my guard down and just sob).  I sobbed the whole way home and for the first 20 minutes after being home. It was  complete breakdown.  I was struggling to breathe, it was horrible.  Eventually I calmed down enough to try to attack.  And then Todd and I sat down.  I'm not sure we came to any conclusion.  Things are the same as they were before....but we at least are in it together now and we do have a very vague idea of where we are at and where we are going.

SOOOO, exercise was out the window.  I sat after this was all over and I was relatively calm......I was watching The Biggest Loser and I felt guilty because my exercise bike was staring at me.  But I just couldn't do it.  I was so wiped out from my emotional breakdown.   I just couldn't do it.

Furthermore, my planned dinner didn't work.   There was no way I felt capable of making dinner.  We grabbed subs from a local sub shop.  I did good....subs and some veggie chips.  Where I failed is that I added a bit of macaroni salad that I had purchased for Todd while at the grocery store the other day.  THAT threw me over my calorie count for the day by about 50 calories.    It's not a good thing...but it wasn't a bad thing.  

My emotions today?  Still a bit spotty.  But I'm planning to exercise and I'm planning to eat right!

Part of life...

Well, yesterday....I didn't eat during the day because of a rough morning.  I got home from work at 6 and I wanted nothing more than to........fall into bed and let the emotions that I'd struggled to keep bottled up all day inside wash over me.  (bet you thought I was going to say eat.  LOL) .  I did just that.  I couldn't really handle doing anything other than that.    By8:30 I got up and we went out for a sandwich (I got turkey and brie...side of corn salad....we split some artichoke dip...and I had some ice cream).   I didn't eat all that horrible...probably well within my caloric range (I'll go back and change my tracker for yesterday to show what I really ate versus what I had planned to eat...just haven't done it yet).  But I knew that eating late...eating not at all over the day...etc etc etc would really "F" with my body.  So this morning I chose to not weigh myself.  I made it until I was in the kitchen packing my lunch.  And then I mosied back intot he bathroom......and weighed myself...fully clothed....  Yeah, I was up 2 pounds.  GRRR   I know it's because of my weird day (sodium at dinner...not used to diet soda...which has more sodium than my normal water)....and of course that TOM action that has been threatening to pull into the station may or may not be here.  (seriously...this month is just ODD.....)  Even knowing that, it's disheartening to see.  Not gonna make me give up...and may just make me redouble my efforts this weekend to recoup my 'gain'.  So maybe it will work to my advantage!

This is a healthy lifestyle that I want.  It's not a diet.  It means that I will have odd days...odd months....odd happenings that will affect my weight.  I'm ok with that.  I know that I do have to figure out my stress and emotions though.  Losing weight when your mind is drowning in a hurt that threatens to overtake you is not the optimum scenario.   But that is part of life...learning how to overcome despite these detractors. (or maybe IN spite of them.)