Ramblings from a hopefully sane mind

I was really shocked at my weight this morning. I woke up thirsty....which is not a good sign for my weight. AND, at the risk of giving too much information, my plumbing was not up to it's normal routine this morning.....so that can skew my weight. But, I faced the scales regardless. Yesterday I was 202. TODAY I was 200! WHAT???? Two pounds in one day....followed by my 1 1/2 pounds the day before. I've literally lost 3.5 pounds in two days???? What in the world. All I can say is that I must have been retaining some MAD MAD water!

Todd and I had our 'main meal' of the day this morning, as our schedules are totally opposing today. I've brought a healthy lunch. That will leave me roughly 8 points for dinner. As long as I can eat wisely tonight and not go on some wild 'gobble every morsel of food I see' rampage, I'll be OK.

I didn't exercise last night. I left here and I was so utterly cold. I just couldn't get warm and I was just achy and tired. SO I laid on the couch and did nothing but read a book. (Yeah, I should have swept and mopped the kitchen...but oh well...there is always tonight). I'm determined that tonight I exercise. No skipping more than 1 day of exercise! Thus far I'm not feeling that achy, icky cold to the bones feel...so hopefully I'll be able to!

My foot still hurts, but not even enough to cause a limp...just more of an achy feel. That's good. But I'm still trying to take it easy....low impact. (what a co-inky-dink...I just happen to have a bike ride that I need to be training for......low impact!)

I'm gearing up to head into the weekend. A weekend of opportunity. Opportunity for me to continue on this healthy path that i have started (again) this week. An opportunity to feel the immense pride and satisfaction of making wise healthy choices. The opportunity to beat my addictions, knowing that every time I beat my addictions it empowers me to win the next round also. Success truly does build upon itself! (Plus, being on the cusp of being back in the 100's is a REALLY big deal! I would so love to get there!!! And on a weekend...how great would that be???)

Hanging on for dear life

I'm holding steady. The weight is dropping ~again~. I'm gearing up to be healthy this weekend and not lose control!

Had a bit of a panic yesterday. Todd and I got outside and walked in the snow (not deep snow...snow in the air) for about an hour. Then we went home and played Dance Dance Revolution. I was 'dancing', (I prefer to think of it more as hopping...because a dancer I am not) and came down on my foot wrong. I heard a pop and felt pain as I fell to the sofa that was nearby. I don't know what popped.....the pain did ease a bit....and stubborn girl that I am, I played DDR for another 20 minutes or so. (only because the pain eased almost all the way). BUT, today my foot hurts. Hmmm...not cool. Wonder what that popping noise was. OH well...I'll have to continue to ponder that...I'm not going to the doctor since the pain isn't that bad...it's more annoying! (no health insurance.....I don't go unless it's a last resort!) And yep, I still managed to get some time on the exercise bike into my day yesterday!

Which brings me to my thought of the day. Why in the world is it so hard to regain control after you've lost it. I mean I lost it back in OCTOBER! And I haven't really gotten a good grasp. I've had a few days here and there where I think I've got it under control again..but then BOOM...it slips from my grasp! I can do this though. I've DONE it...so I know that I can do it again!

Well, it's official. I am registered for my bike ride! Now to train for it! Have I said that I don't like exercise......so I'm kinda dreading training...but really excited about it at the same time...does that make sense? Could this be the exercise loving breakthrough for me???

Thinking about trying a spinning class at the gym. I've always been intrigued with them...but I've never tried one. This would be perfect with my training and stuff. My 'excuse' right now....we are planning on giving up our gym membership this summer when our contract at this gym is up (we switched gyms last summer....it was a one year contract). My excuse is "what if I love it and then have to give it up when we leave the gym" . Yeah, flimsy excuse....I'm almost ashamed to write it out...but hey, it is what it is!

I woke up this morning and looked at the thermometer...I was tickled 42 degrees. Woo hooo....with temps like that, it would be a wonderful day to ride (I get off of work at 3PM today). By the time I left for work (1 hour after my first glance at the thermometer) it had dropped to 40 degrees. It has dropped some more...it's spitting snow (ohhh wow...it was spitting snow now..icky). I know that a die hard biker would be out in it...but I'm just not to that stage (haa haa haa...I don't know if I'll ever be to that stage). Oh well...exercise bike here I come....or maybe the gym!

Spring where are you?????

Training advice

I'm not going to talk about the weight. This cycle of being good during the week and then just losing control over the weekend has GOT to stop (can I place some blame on the fact that it was a long weekend...which hurt???).

I'm getting ready to swing into full gear training for my 25 mile bike ride which is in mid April. I called my brother last night and talked to him. He back in the mid to late eighties got into bike riding and has been an avid rider since then. He's done some racing and lots of long distance events. I'll share a little story from back in the 80's...a MaryFran bicycles story! My brother was riding long distances in preparation for a long distance ride that he was planning on doing. I was at that point packing on the pounds without a care in the world. BUT, one day he convinced me to head out on a bike ride with him. I had a somewhat new bike, that I had barely used...so this was a wonderful opportunity. Off we went. We were living in Florida at the time, and we left our little subdivision (Rolling Acres) and headed across the highway to Hill-n-dale another subdivision. We rolled up and down those roads, enjoying the breeze and the wonderful feeling of biking. Well, he enjoyed those things. I was getting tired! We kept going. On and one. Up and down those stupid roads. He was just whizzing along while I lagged behind. He rolled his way up a street with an incline (I'll admit it was not a very big incline) and I just had had enough. I was still trying to pedal and propel that stupid bike up that road, but it's just really hard to stay upright when you are going so slow. I wiped out! (My brother was at the top of the hill waiting for me and he looked back and said that I even fell in slow motion.) Mangled my elbow and knees up something fierce. The injury gave me some kind of adrenaline rush to get myself home (I actually booked it...I was ahead of him). And that was the last time I rode a bike until 2001!

So when I talked to my brother and got advice, he was very helpful but he couldn't resist making a comment when i told him that for my first ride out that my average speed was only 8 miles an hour......he of course said, "how did you stay upright?"

Anyway.....his words of advice:
When I told him that I was riding a 25 mile event and asked for his advice his first two things he said were 'get out there each week and ride, adding more each week to your rides' and 'About two weeks before the ride you want to be used to at least 18 miles'

As we talked longer we had a large discussion about the actual muscle that propels your bike. He said that you can propel your bike by one of two muscles. The heart, or your actual leg muscles. He said to propel your bike with your heart is to spin at a higher RPM...get used to pushing the pedal around more times per minute. You are still propelling your bike, but you are exerting yourself through cardio and not straight up muscles in your legs. This propels your bike via cardio. The other muscle is your actual leg muscles. This is the muscle that propels you up a hill....and or that you use when you push a higher gear, your legs are not going around as many times, but you are having to exert more force via your muscles.

He said it's most efficient to use the higher RPM or your cardio/heart to propel your bike most of the time...because then when you hit a hill you can then use your muscles which are not already worn out for that burst to get you up the hill. The other effect use that come into play is that when you are biking with via the cardio/high RPM route when you feel that you need a breather, you can pop into a higher gear and use those leg muscles to propel you. When you pop into a higher gear, your leg muscles have to push more...but they don't have to complete as many rpm's per minute, thus your heart is getting a bit of a break while your legs do the work. But then when your heart has it's break switch back to a lower gear in order to save those leg muscles and use your heart (which is a much stronger muscle) He said it's a game between the two muscles....choosing the best one to propel you at all times. Does that make sense?????? He did say that learning the difference and actually being able to use it takes time to learn (he's been doing this for years.....he was talking about one of his 200 mile rides that he does each year.....he started in '91 and has done it every year since....along with other rides). He also said that for our 25 mile ride, that this won't come into as much play...it's only if we continue to train for longer rides (which I plan to do).

OK...other nuggets of information that he passed along.

1. Bicycling distance is all mental. He said that to bike distance you have to get in the frame of mind that 'yes, it's going to hurt sometimes' but that you are just going to push through it to come out on the other side and know that the elation on the other side is pretty amazing! You push through the pain. (My mantra during exercise when I think about how I'm feeling is that "pain is only temporary"
2. Don't worry about speed so much for this 25 mile ride. He states that for my first year of serious riding that I will probably average about 10-12 miles per hour and that would be good for me.
3. So therefore, for longer distances the speed is more of a long term comfort thing.
4. He advised me that we should not worry about staying with the 'group leader' for this ride. We can start out with them, but take our cue sheets and be prepared to take this ride at our own pace and not worry about the others. :-)
5. Miles, miles, miles. The more miles we have on our legs, the better prepared we will be. I plan on doing longer rides, that is when I need to focus on getting my speed to a higher level. Not because it can't be done, but if you are doing a straight 100 mile ride (not metric...because that is only 60-some miles) if you are only going 10-12 miles an hour average, you will be on that bike for 9-10 hours.
6. No matter what I feel.....KEEP GOING! Stopping will only make it worse when I get back on the bike. Keep my feet on the pedal!

Turkey Burgers!

February 15, 2009 (168 of 365), originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Ohhh so yummy! :-)

Not too much to write about. Just a relaxing weekend. I indulged a bit on Valentines day. But no worries.

I'm floored. I don't eat at fast food much. But back in December we stopped (to use the bathroom) at a Burger King. I ordered a medium drink while there (diet drink of course) and they mentioned that it was the new sizing. Yeah, it was pretty big. I pushed it out of my mind....today we stopped at Wendy's to pick up a drink for Todd. I went ahead and got a medium diet for me. Ohhh my word...they upped their sizes also (I'm not surprised, if one has upped their size it's reasonably positive that they all have). I drank about 1/2 of it . Before I threw the cup away, I decided to see how many ounces......32 ounces in a MEDIUM! How the heck big is the large...not to mention the supersize/king size/biggie????? That is mind boggling!! Add that to the fact that most people do NOT fill their cups with ice tea or diet sodas. And we wonder why america is obese and growing larger each day?????????

When we sat down to eat dinner, I still had about 1/2 of my diet soda left. I started my meal with that as my drink. I realized that it totally altered how my food tasted. I didn't like it. Yeah, I used to ONLY drink soda with my meals. BUt I've actually grown to prefer water...it enhances the meal experience...because it forces one to focus on the taste of the meal instead of muddying the waters with the taste of soda. (Yeah, there are still meals out there that I feel NEEDS to have a soda or other drink...but they are becoming more rare). This is amazing to me..the girl that used to hate water!

The scales showed me down a bit....so I'm good. :-)

Actually I'm better than good. I'm surprised! Yesterday at work I continued to resist that red velvet cake. Ohhh it smelled sooo darn good. And let me tell you, I smelled it ALL freakin' day. My co0workers at cake for breakfast....and cake for lunch! I didn't have any! But that is why I'm not surprised that my weight was good. Last night we went out with some friends to a spanish restaurant. Ohhh my word. I got the loma saltado (yeah yeah yeah...I don't eat much beef...and this is a beef meal...but ohhhh was it ever good..with lots of veggies)...which is served with black beans and rice. For an appetizer we got some Papusa....extra yummy. This is a Spanish restaurant...but they do have some tex mex stuff on the menu. So of course they put the chips and salsa dip stuff on the table at the onset of the meal. I won't lie...I had a few chips. Probably no more than 5. (huge huge victory). Our friends are regulars at the restaurant...so the waitress brought out a piece of milk infused cake for us to split as a comp. I ate ONE bite and that was it! Everyone else got drinks....I stuck with water. I think I did pretty good.

I'm excited....I'm going to be swinging into training for my bike event and I'm determined that I'm doing to drop these icky pounds while doing it!

Scales were acting funny again this morning (they woudln't weigh me...just gave me an err message). So I showered and got ready for work. While I was packing my lunch for work I remembered that I had actually had a battery (one of those button style ones) that I had purchased for my pedometer...but the pedometer was broke so I never used it. Could I be that lucky? Could it be the same size battery? I knelt before that scale.....pried open the back...and Voila! Yes, it was the same battery! So I can get back to weighing myself every day!

Mizfit, wrote a great post. Really hit home as I've recently realized that I needed to stop allowing situations in my life dictate how I live. Check it out...I couldn't have said it better!

Moist, rich and creamy cake...ohh so good

I walked up to that box containing the cake. I was bold as brass. I looked into the box that held the cut cake. Ohhh the cake looked moist. THe icing just begged to be eaten. The little hearts that adorned the outside of the cake just begged to be tested by my taste buds. I leaned down and breathed in the heavenly aroma of that cake. In inhaled deeply, taking the scent in and savoring it. I watched my co-workers as their faces showed the rapture as they ate this unexpected treat.

And I stood there and calmly ate my fresh pinepple chunks that I had packed for my lunch. I know this sounds weird, but I instinctively knew that I had to look that cake 'in the eye' and I had to smell that cake and I had to come up close and personal to that cake...and I had to win.

There is a sense of pride...empowerment if you will in what I accomplished today.

ON the same note...my husband and I went out on the canal and walked for an hour this afternoon. At least 3 or 4 times while we were hiking he asked me if we were going to stop at Nutters (our local ice cream shop) on the way home. What do you think I answered??????
Nope, we did not stop.

Red Velvet Cake

Quick...I have to get this down in 'writing'. I will not eat valentines day red velvet cake!

Here I am at work today and one of our customers brought in a valentines day treat for us. Red velvet cake. It looks soooo good. I know the customer (from my childhood actually) so I can't talk myslef out of the it because I don't know how clean this lady is. She is quite clean...and her food is excellent.

I'm not going to do it!

If I can make it through today, I should be ok...I only want it when it's really fresh. When the cake is moist. Once it's been cut, it starts to dry out...I'm no longer tempted. Make it through today...make it through today....make it through today!

Ohhh the scales were NOT at all kind to me this morning.

Yesterday was not the greatest for me in terms of my intake of food. It definitely could have been worse. However, I ate...and I didn't get all of my fruit/veggie servings in. That is not good and my water intake was not where it should have been.

Redoubling my effforts today. Drink drink drink! I got up and rode the exercise bike this morning before coming to work. Actually i was a busy beaver this morning. I folded some laundry....did a load of laundry and hung it up. (I'm trying to hang as much of my laundry up as possible to save money...electric bill was sky high since they just doubled what it costs!). I did the dishes, made the bed, straightened the house, packed my lunch and my husbands lunch, showered, stopped by the post office and I was STILL at work by 9:30 AM.

Hopefully tonight when I go home I will have some new exercise equipment at our house. That would make me really excited! :-)

Lock the door on your way out, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Explored some ruins. (the Door with a lock on it made us laugh!...considering there was really not much wall anywhere else in the building!)

Dam five, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Saw some sights! (dam 5 on the C&O canal)

cliffs and river, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yep all on our walk today!

February 8, 2009

February 8, 2009 (161 of 365), originally uploaded by mfcstotleI

I got out there and took advantage of this wonderfully wam February weather and got my first ride of the year in. Admittedly, the first ride of the year is almost always hellacious. There is just something different about riding on the road versus on an exercise bike. BUt regardless I got out there and did it. The worst part about my ride. About half way through as I trucked up and down the gently rolling hills through open fields....the wind started to pick up. It was just ripping across those fields. It was a chore to stay upright on the bike. But I perservered. Ahhh good times!

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I drank my water....and I stayed within my points....well almost. Right as I was heading for bed I grabbed a handful of chex mix. NOOOO I have no clue what possessed me to make it (I did that on Thursday). One handful and I went to bed. So that handful was 1-2 points. Which made me 1-2 points over for the day. Not bad....I was aiming for perfect...but I'll settle for pretty darn close.

The scales this morning........ (yesterday was actually 202.2...not 202.6 as I reported.....) 200.6!!!!! Wooo hoooo!! I know a lot of that was water...but i'll take it! I want to be back in onederland soooo badly!

Visualize

When I was losing lots of my weight I had little 'scenarios' that i would play out in my head. Scenes where I would be my thin svelte new self. OK, maybe not svelte...but definitely thinner than when I started. The scenarios changed...but they were all the basic same and centered around one or two concepts. I played them over and over again in my mind. They were what my mind focused on when I was resisting the temptation to eat and binge. I hit rewind and watched them over and over again in my mind during the hours in the gym or on the bike, or in front of the TV while I worked along with an exercise video. They kept me going.

Late last week it came to me that those scenarios actually were played out in real life this past summer. I was happy with the real life results...but I lost my visualizing technique. I mean, it doesn't spur you onward to resist temptation or to exercise harder to visualize yourself in a situation once it has already played out! I mean, it may work once or twice, but after that....well it just doesn't cut it.

Soooo...I have my new visualizing scenario to think about. Next year will be my 20 year high school reunion. Yep, I graduated from high school in 1990. AND since I took a year off between high school and college (it was a great year of being a bum....OK, I wasn't a total bum, I worked as a nanny) I graduated from college in 1995...which puts next year at my 15 year for college. Well...I haven't seen any of my friends from high school since graduation. I talk to some via email...but the last time they saw me I was a size 20.....pushing 22. Hmmmmm. Isn't it also ironic that I've set a reward of a trip to the place of my choice for my big goal...the biggie...the "I'm the lowest I want to be...I've reached it....in my head that's 150...but the doctor said that 160 would probably be my lowest...so whichever). I was thinking about the Caribbean...but then I switched it to a week at Disney World, because I hadn't been there since we lived in FL.....19 years ago. Sooooo wow, I can combine my reward trip with a reunion....and I can visualize seeing people from high school looking hot and svelte! (or as near as I can get with this body that I abused for so long). (the college reunion will be in Indiana...so if I go to that it will be a visit with my brother and his family).


Meanwhile.......I got brave and stepped onto the scales this morning. I was quite nervous. I mean, I ate horribly over the weekend! The last time I weighed I was already over the 200 pound mark (201.6) so I was just sure that it was going to be horrid! I gained one pound. I'm now 202.6. I'm disgusted by that....but yet elated that the damage was not worse. To be honest, I was thinking that I was going to see 208 or 210.

So far so good today. I have resisted ordering subs with my co-workers. One gal brought in some kind of apple turnover/tart thingy. They look scrumptious! I have resisted! I'm visualizing!

Helpless

I feel helpless. Helpless to stop this eating cycle. Helpless to stop the weight from coming back on to my body. Just plain helpless.

Intrinsically I know that it is not helpless. I've done this. I've been through the wonderful months and years of losing. I know what needs to be done. I know how to do it! But it's like my brain knowing and my body doing are two different things. Sitting at the dinner table last night, I finished up my dinner and I was already thinking...."woah, I've had a little too much to eat today....this is the end. Nothing more tonight." But even as I was thinking that, different words poured out of my mouth. The words that I actually emitted? "Dessert?" And I proceeded to concoct a little dessert for Todd and I. 5 extra points on top of a less than stellar eating day. It's like there are two different people warring for control within in me.

I've had the months (actually years) of eating healthy and feeling on top of the world....king of the mountain...like nothing could knock me from where I stood. I was strong and I was going to beat this fat at it's own game. And I was doing a fair job of it.

But now...years into this healthy lifestyle and I've hit some kind of wall. The ends are not matching. I want so badly to finish this journey and reach my ultimate goal. (not the goal that I first set for myself......I already reached that...but the 'real' weight goal that the BMI index sets for us). Yet I feel helpless.

I'm not giving up. I just feel helpless. But, even helpless...I've got my plan for the day set up and I'll do my best to adhere to that plan (staying within my allotment of points). In my mind I'm determined to maintain that plan and hold strong. Maybe today will be the day that I'm not helpless to beat that 'naughty eating' side of me!

Reporting in!

Got home from work yesterday and todd's first words (ok, maybe not his first words) were 'Lets go to the gym." Now I just felt blah and lackluster. But i went. Afterall...it's a good thing. Ohhh my...it was NOT a good workout. I couldn't get myself moving. I felt like I was dragging. It was not good. But I pushed through 60 minutes of exercise.

This morning I awoke and saw about an inch of fresh snow. I made todd's coffee and made us a healthy breakfast and off we went. We walked on the battlefield for about an hour and fifteen minutes. Nice activity....especially since I was planning today off from formal exercise!

Why am I taking a day off? Well, at first I thought that the pain in my arm was due to my expending and using muscles harder than I usually do. But I'm starting to wonder now. The other arm is no longer sore while my left arm seems to be getting worse! It's up near my shoulder....it aches just sitting here at my desk at work, not to mention moving it! It hurts if I lay on my left side, with that arm under me. So I'm thinking this is not a sore muscle thing. But, without health insurance...well I'll be praying for it to heal!

Bad foods in the house???? Gone! They have been thrown away, dumped down the drain and eradicated!

Now it's just back to healthy eating and trying to get myself back on track and losing!

Nope, I haven't been brave enough to face the scales!

Being totally open and honest here.....

Saturday...I spent the day in the kitchen getting food ready for Sunday. We were having a work party (painting, cleaning, repairs, moving some stuff...etc etc tec) on Sunday at the studio (friends, interns and people that have bartered their manual labor for studio time)....I was feeding this army of workers.....I cooked and baked all day on Saturday.....testing and tasting each creation. I was literally sick by the end of the Saturday.

Sunday rolls around. Yes, I worked hard all day.....I ate not 'too bad' at the work party. If you don't count the cookies and chips...AND the regular soda that I was downing!!!! Of course then the work party ended, I went home, cleaned up and we segued into the superbowl festivities! More food! I did at least switch to diet soda at that point.

I don't even want to know what I weigh right now! I'm gathering the reigns though and I'm determined to not let my weekend antics slide into a weeklong spiral out of control. I'm back in control today. I'm sitting here at work and I've already decided that the rest of the regular soda (non-diet) that is in the fridge is going down the drain. I also have a fair amount of macaroni salad left. I love macaroni salad.....Todd doesn't. (he has potato salad left over). Tonight for dinner macaroni salad will be my side dish........and the rest is going into the garbage. I don't need that temptation. Late last night Todd did have the foresight to crunch up the chips and throw them away...so they are gone. Now it's just the other stuff....and I vow that by the time I go to bed tonight....it will all be gone. (most will be gone shortly after I get home from work). I did pack a healthy lunch. Last night I had dished up some of that macaroni salad into a small container for lunch. When I was actually packing my lunch, I left that container in the fridge....and only brought the healthy fruits and veggies!

I can do this!

Why I eat and do what I do

You know....for months, years in fact, I've been trying to figure out what causes me to eat. Do I eat when triggered by stress? Do I eat when I'm bored? Do I eat when I'm sad? Do I eat when I'm happy? Am I eating because of some childhood trauma or emotional upset? WHY WHY WHY???? I can never pin point any one indicator. Sometimes when I'm bored I eat. When I'm stressed and worried about something I will overeat, not because I'm eating to take away the stress....I overeat because I forget that I'm eating. I lose track of my eating. I'm mindlessly eating. Happy or sad really has no bearing on my eating. Yeah, I like to bake because it's a relaxing soothing happy thing for me to do...but that's the ACT of baking.....not the act of eating. My childhood is rather uneventful and quite happy. My memories from childhood are good ones. So I've pondered....and it always comes back to one thing. I like food. Plain and simple. Food tastes good!

Last night I realized something that I've been skirting with for quite a while. I've even written about it throughout this journal. I realized that there is no reason other than that I like food. Yesterday I tried a new crock pot dish. On paper it sounded delightful....in execution....well it was edible. Todd and I ate the meal, but I can guarantee you that this dish will never again grace our table. As I was eating my meal, my thoughts were rolling, and here they are; "maybe after Todd leaves I can have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I just love PB&J's", "Ice cream....I have some ice cream bars in the freezer....they sound so yummy". My mind roamed the kitchen cabinets while I was eating my lackluster dinner and pondered what delicious food I could eat later. And that is when I realized that even while I was eating (lackluster as it may be) I was disappointed because it didn't taste as yummy as I had dreamt it would be...and my mind was looking for something that was yummy.

Now on it's own this is not that much...but a few weeks ago I wrote an entry in which I described a meal where I sat down and had the opposite thing happen. The meal was really good.....I knew it from the first bite and by the second bite I was dreaming about eating a huge second helping....all because it was sooo delicious!

In the midst of these thoughts and discoveries a friend sent me a link to an article about overeating and how some people just have the tendency to see food and just want it. I concurred with it here and here. All of these revelations and self discoveries have been in the last few weeks. So I'm going to stop trying to figure out the why's and the what's? It is simply a love affair with food that I have. I want good food! When it's bad, I dream of good food...and when it's good, I want more! I'm not going to waste any more time in self pondering to decipher if I'm eating to drown out some unknown repressed traumatic memory, or if I'm eating because of this or that. It's not worth my time. I'm fine.....I just like food.

*********
Thought of the day.......How come the weight comes on so quickly (most recently 2 pounds in one day) but doesn't leave as rapidly (I'm losing about .2 pounds each day for the last two days). That makes no sense at all to me???? And no...on that 2 pound day I did NOT eat like a banshee!!! I was only 3 or 4 points over my daily allotment! (which should be OK as we have those flex points...although darn my body...I can't eat those flex points)

*********

In other news....last night I ended up with a migraine. I usually don't get migraines....but last night was my 'lucky' night. This morning I'm up and functioning....but my head just still isn't quite right. Hopefully it will be better before I go home.....day three of the 30 day shred awaits me!

****

Desi the cat continues to improve. :-)

A little exercise

I was all cocky yesterday. i was going to start Jillian Michael's 30 day shred program. I was cocky because, "ohh yeah, I exercise, this should be a piece of cake". I turned it on. Hmmm...level 1, level 2 and level 3. Well, I can probably do level 2 or 3...but I decided to start on level 1...and then move up. OHHH MYYYY WORD! Sore sore sore! Today was day two...and I can feel it! Ohhh boy can I feel it. Admittedly, I do very little strength training so it's kicking my butt! Of course it probably doesn't help that I do that workout and then couple it up with another dvd. Yesterday I also did Cardio Max. Today i coupled it with Cardio Kickboxing. YIKERS! I am going to try to ride the exercise bike when I get home tonight also. :-)

My eating is planned out for the day. AND I did leave a little extra pointage for a snack this evening (todd will be at the studio and I'll be home alone.....a bad thing indeed)

My husband is STILL laughing at the fact that I am a fan of the locally owned donut shop! He just doesn't understand it. Oh well....it makes me smile! :-)

My baby boy is injured.....yes, my cat is hurt. He somehow hurt his back leg/hip the other day. It's terrible to see....and very worrisome for the human mommy! He is slowly improving. Meanwhile the other cats keep parading in front of him. I"m not sure if they are in awe of the normal bully laid up...so they are viewing the oddity....or if they are trying to comfort him....or if they are rubbing it in that they can walk and run and he can't!

Donuts!

Last night I was lounging around playing on the laptop while my husband played a video game. I was nosing around on Facebook, looking for old friends. All of a sudden I saw something that made me super excited. On the left of my screen was the option to become a fan of Krumpe's Donuts! Ohhhh my word. Krumpe's is something that was always synonymous with Hagerstown while growing up. We would come back to visit family (when we no longer lived in the area) and we would have a short list of places to go to and things to do. One of them was Krumpe's Donuts! They are a little locally owned shop (located in an alley) in Hagerstown. They open up sometime in the later part of the evening (8 maybe) and they sell their donuts hot out of the fryers. (You can also get them at some local stores in the H-town area). There is nothing better than a not donut straight from the fryer.

I haven't had a krumpe donut in AGES! It would have to be probably more than 3 years. Definitely not since I got serious about losing weight!

As I exulted about the fact that I was a fan of krumpe's donuts my husband just looked over at me with a confused look on his face. He asked why I was so excited, we don't get them anymore....it's a thing of the past. And it made me start to think. Deep down, the past is still there. Ohhh I can say I'm a changed girl. But deep down, those old tendencies are still deeply embedded.

So am I still a fan of Krumpe's Donuts on facebook? Absolutely! (and if I can be a fan of some of the other locally owned food places that hold special memories for me, I'll join them also) Is it going to make me run out to get a donut? Absolutely NOT! I'm going to keep it there as a memory.....and honestly a testament to the 300+ pound girl that I used to be. (OK, and I like to support locally owned businesses.....)

*******
Yesterday I was able to stay away from mindless eating (binging) in the evening. Tonight will be the real test as my husband will be at the studio from about 6:30 until 11 or 12. I'll be home by myself......and ohhh it's so much easier to binge eat when no-one is there to catch you!

Enough is enough!

I haven't weighed myself in a couple days. I probably shouldn't have weighed myself today in the midst of the raging TOM...but I did. 200.6 That's about 2 pounds up from the other day...YIKES!



It is just a matter of getting my eating in line and STOPPING the mindless binging and eating! When my points are gone, I'm done...plain and simple!



Exercise, on the other hand is going splendidly!

A day slightly off track

Yesterday, I went with my parents to Johnstown, PA for the day. Dad was preaching (filling in for a preacher that was out of town) at a church there. (I would recommend this church to anyone...quite impressed! You want to know which one....just ask!) Anyway, I rode along with them. You see, we used to live in Johnstown about 25-30 years ago and while I've been back here and there throughout the years (the most recent time about 10 years ago), it was fun to go back. It was a day of reminiscing with my parents. We would drive by one place and that would spark a memory or a story or just laughter and love. Unfortunately, my husband was not able to go with use (he's been wanting to go to see it, as it has come up in our conversations over the years) but he was at the business (a recording studio) working on the water issues (he thinks he may have it fixed....he's running up to town to buy a part that SHOULD put an end to the water woes!). Anyway, I digress. I woke up well before dawn, got dressed and headed to my parents house. We hopped in their car and we were off. It is a two hour trip from my parents (and I live about a half hour from them). SOOOOO I was in the car pretty much all day as we drove there, drove all around town and drove home. (OK, I wasn't in the car during church or when we would stop somewhere).

Soooo I ate out all day........no real exercise......water consumption non-existent. But I still had a fun filled day! Well worth a momentary blip on the weight loss radar.

A few things hit me. When we moved from Johnstown I was about 12. I was still considered petite and dainty. It wasn't until the year following our move that i really started to pack on the pounds and 'balloon' up. Yet, as I remembered bits and pieces from my childhood I realized how many memories were tied to food. Not everything...but as I got older, the memories somehow became linked with a food, or an eating experience, or whatnot! While I had no problems with my weight at that point, I was starting to build and develop in the direction of someone that would eventually have a serious problem with a food addiction. On that same note, I also realized exactly how active I was as a child. I looked at hills that I ran up and down.....places I rode to on my bike, etc etc etc. The activity kept me from being an overweight child! (which makes sense...because when we moved to FL, that level of activity fell away and I packed on the pounds.)

The other thing that hit me rather hard. We stopped at the local hospital while in Johnstown to visit a friend of my parents. She had a stroke about a week ago. It has wiped clean her memories. Long term AND short term. Her husband said that she had struggled with some problems that are precursors to a stroke.....high blood pressure, diabetes, etc etc etc . BUT, she was on medications to control them....and the meds had seemed to be doing the trick. He also went on to say that the doctors were basically telling him it was a waiting game until another stroke hit her. Now, I don't know if you picked up on the precursors.......high blood pressure, diabetes, all weight related illnesses for the most part. (Yes, there are some people that have these issues without the weight...but many people have it because of weight, diet and lifestyle...and yes, she was overweight) I really got serious about this journey a few years ago because I saw my mother struggling to get those same issues under control and I knew that if I didn't change something, I would be the same way! I can't do anything for my mother. As much as I want to and as much as I worry about her, this is something that she has to do for herself. But I CAN change myself! So yesterday seeing it right there in my face really hit home! I can sit on the fence and not finish this change that I started or I can continue on. If I do not continue...where will it lead me.

I can tell you where it will lead.......not continuing will lead me to a hospital room like I visited yesterday. It will lead to my eventual death. A death that will come about sooner and with many more health issues if I don't take care of myself.

self loathing

Well, I'm torn between laughter and utter despair. I just can't seem to get it together. I do think that last night was a bit of stress eating. I'm stressed about some things right now. (One of the major issues....we are having a problem with water at the studio....as in it's not working. Uhhh this is NOT good.) But then I also had the issue of I had the idea of some foods in my head, and I just didn't relax until I had eaten those foods!

Let me explain. On the way home from work last night I was running through in my head what I could eat for dinner. I thought of a few things..they all sounded soooo good. But I eventually chose one! (but still lusted after the unpicked options). I ate, and settled down for the evening. My husband called from the studio and we talked a bit about the water issue. I ate a WW chocolate chip cookie. (1 point) He called again. I ate three wedges of laughing cow cheese and some low fat wheat thins. (5 points) He called again and we decided to run to town to grab a part that we thought would fix the problem. While I was waiting for him to pick me up I had two bowls of cold cereal. Notice I didn't say I had one serving...or two servings. I had two BOWLS of cereal! (who knows how many points!) Now here is the part of the issue....these foods were all on the list of options for me to eat for dinner that I had discarded when I made my choice. But they weren't really discarded from my head! Plus I do believe some of it was stress.

So after I ate, I sat in the car filled with self loathing and disgust because I KNOW better! Later I actually started laughing (for a hot second) because for a binge, at least I didn't go straight for the donuts, or the regular cookies, or ice cream. I still ate somewhat healthy.

I'm sitting here with a blank screen in front of me, wondering what to write about today. Most days when I log on to write, I have in my head something to write about...something that is just crying to get out of my head. Today, I've got a whole bunch just swirling around. Lots of fragments but nothing to really put down into one cohesive paragraph.



I guess I can start by saying that looking at my frustration objectively, it's a good thing. If I binged and didn't care it would mean that I am not at all bothered by the end result and reaching my goals any longer. So I guess my frustration and disgust in myself is a good thing because it shows me that deep down, I really do want to continue on and persevere to reach my goal.



A friend (thanks Lynn) recently bought and read the book DietGirl. She sent it to me. I started reading it this morning. I'm very early into my reading and there are aspects that I can not identify with at all such as, her mother and others contributing to her negative self image at a very young age. A self image that the author perpetuated into real life. BUT, the emotions and experiences of being a very large girl. The feelings as she started to lose weight. The guarded optimism. Those I readily identify with. Maybe this book will be good for me, if only to really remind me from whence I have come!



Sitting this morning eating breakfast with my husband, I got to thinking about something. I made pancakes, turkey bacon and we had strawberries with it. I actually made LESS pancake batter (thus pancakes) then I normally have in the past. My husband usually gets halfway or 3/4 of the way through and pushes his plate away...."I'm stuff" he says. Me, I lick my plate clean. So I got to thinking while eating this morning. I made less food...would he still push away his plate and claim that he was 'full'. I already cut the portion size down. In comparison to what he normally eats, the reduced portion should have been perfect (if not a bit small). Sure enough, with pancake still left on his plate he was done! Now this is not a once in a blue moon occurance. He almost always leaves something on his plate. Not always ...but almost always. Is he doing this as a way of mastering his desires to overeat. Basically by leaving food is he mocking his overeating tendencies???? Or does he really feel full and stop??

Me, they say that in time you will be able to listen to your body and it will tell you when you are full. I've listened. I've listened now for YEARS and I can't hear! I've done some research and there are researchers/doctors out there that say that some people are lacking the genes, and thereby the propor hormones that tell the mind/body when it is full. Reading about this, I do fit in the category! I've looked into this idea, about a year ago. I wrote about it here and here.


Today a friend sent me a link to a article. This also fits me to a tee! I see food and I respond. It could be that I just ate and I'm cleaning up from dinner.....I see the bread and I want it!



Which is it??? Do they all go hand in hand? Knowing isn't going to solve my problems...but mabye undersanding would make it easier!

Municipal Electric Light Plant

January 21, 2009 (143 of 365), originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Got to tour this old abandoned building today. Really really cool!

Sunnen

Sunnen, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Valves

Valves, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

control panel at abandoned power plant

IMG_3735, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

can you say frustration?

It's hard not to be frustrated! Frustrated at the lack of progress on the scales. Frustrated at the small gain I saw on the scales this morning. Frustrated at my motivation. Frustrated at my efforts!

Yes, I'm frustrated. I guess for the most part I'm frustrated at myself. I'm frustrated because I'm fiddling away my chance to lose weight (on a daily basis...definitely not in the grand scheme of things...that opportunity will never be lost). Yesterday I was doing fairly well. I had breakfast...right on target with what I had set for the day. We left the house and I hit up the gym. All was going well! After the gym, Todd and I stopped off and got a sandwich and spilt a side of potato salad. Still not toooo bad. I had planned for it and I was OK. I was a bit upset with myself because I wanted to take some grapes and a Clementine to eat with my lunch, but I had forgotten it. No problem...still on track! We ran some errands (Walmart, Target, and the mall)....lots of walking. And mid afternoon we met up with a friend to tour and old power plant. That is where things started going awry. The friend that we were meeting got held up was late so we didn't get started there until a bit later than expected. It was VERY cool and well worth the wait! But as I said we got done there later. So we stopped off at Cracker Barrel on the way home for dinner. I was still doing Really well. I ordered veggie platter. So I was doing fine....yeah, their veggies have more fat on them, but it was better than the other options. Anyway, I was doing really good UNTIL the waitress set down that pesky biscuit and cornbread muffin in front of me. I immediately felt a sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach. Yes, I ate 'em. I ate them both! OK, all was not lost.....I was still probably within my points. It was OK. But then I got home. I was putting stuff away and noticed the container that was holding the homemade bread. Before I knew it I was having a slice of it. Followed by a devils food (healthy choice) cookie. Ohhh and if that wasn't enough, I had a snack bar! I ate those things less than 30 minutes after getting home from the restaurant!!! Why? Why do I do this to myself?

According to fit day, I still burned more calories than I ate. But my weight is still up. I was over in my weight watchers points. (Yes, I'm still keeping track of both counting systems for a bit...just to see where I am...and maybe figure out where I need to be).

The other day I finally admitted to myself.......yes, I am a binge eater! Someone mentioned it a few months back "ohhh so you binge eat" (it was the trainer at the gym). I was shocked and denied it till I was practically blue in the face. But I guess it's time to strip myself bare and admit it....I am a total binge eater!

Check it out!

If you don't already follow Merry Mary's blog, then I highly recommend that you read this post! It hit me right between the eyes. It's about sabatauging our weight loss efforts....and who is to blame!

reflections

Not doing too badly....not doing too good either. My eating, while not out of control has not been exactly where it should be. I ate WAY too many carbs yesterday. Yesterday started when I was organizing the spice cabinet. I saw some spices for dipping oil. Hmmmmm dipping oil. YUMMY. That sounds absolutely delightful! SOOOO I immediately, without second thought, started to whip up a batch of homemade bread. Well, the dinner that I had planned really wouldn't have worked the greatest with homemade bread (it was a casserole that had bread in it......) so I just switched up and threw some spagetti sauce together and had that simmering away on the stove. It was a scrumptious meal just a little bit too many carbs. :-)

Exercise and activity wise, I'm going strong!

Yesterday I once again sat back at the end of the day and really thought about how far I've come. Was a day, not to long ago that a day of activity would have caused me to drop in utter exhuastion. Yesterday I woke up and I was on the go from moment one until the evening. I did laundry, I moved stuff, I baked, I cooked, I cleaned, I shovelled snow, I assisted my husband as he worked on some plumbing at the studio (running up and down the stairs more than 20 times), I also formally exercised for 80 minutes. I was not dropping from exhaustion. It was a normal day. I reflected that at one point, shovelling snow for 10 minutes was enough to cause me to drop on the couch for a long 'much deserved' break. What a difference!

I also spent some time reflecting on my current weight. Yes, I know that I can get to 180 pounds....I was there....I maintained that for over a year. I REALLY want to get back there (180 is my doctor approved weight...so when I get to 180, I'm back to lifetime at weight watchers...I won't have to pay). But I'm not going to worry about it. I can't get all stressed out and upset about the fact that the scales are just not moving. I know that I'm living a healthy lifestyle right now and that is what is important!

What's a girl to do?

This morning, I woke up early and ditched out on the exercise. I figured that I have all afternoon and evening...I can exercise then. Boy am I glad that I made that decision. YOu see, right about the time that I would have been finished my workout...all sweaty and icky and heading for the shower to get ready to go to work....the power went out. We live in the country without electricity, the pump doesn't run to draw water from the well! So not only was it dark...it was also cold...and I had no water! I'm here at work...my hair is...well......not exactly pretty looking. I did bring my toothbrush with me so that I could brush my teeth. (it's amazing that if your teeth are clean you feel somewhat human).

Breakfast in such conditions..... why we didn't have much of a choice. You see, we live in a dinky little town. Our choices to eat are Benders Bar. Petes Tavern....both of which obviously not the choice for breakfast as they are closed at that time in the morning. Lets see we have an ice cream shop...doesn't open until 1PM (ice cream for breakfast DOES sound good though..tee hee hee). We have one gas station....but on the weekends they do not have breakfast sandwiches....only on week days. And a little local convience store place....greasy food grill place. Woo hoooo! Time was of the essence as I did have to be at work by 7:30-7:45. Convience store greasy food here I come. My choices.......well...I could have had a bacon egg cheese.....chipped beef gravy.....sausage gravy.....my health food abounded. I looked and they did have bananas....but they were very spotted and quite brown...NOPE. SOOOOOO I didn't eat as healthy as I should have....but I really had no choice. Kind of difficult to have breakfast with no water...no way to heat it....no way to make coffee....no nothing. Yeah, I could have had cold cereal...except...I don't like cold cereal...PLUS cold cereal leaves me hungry the rest of the morning.

I don't know what the plans for the rest of the day hold. Todd and I may be going out to lunch. (that depends on the electricity issue of course). I hope to pick up my bike from the shop (it's done). While we are in town, we want to run to Target. And mom and dad called last night and we may hook up with them for dinner. If the power is still out...we'll be packing up the kitties and carting them to my parents house. :-) There may be a gym visit in there somewhere also. :-)

Fingers on the bar and pondering some thoughts

Dang but it's cold! I guess I shouldn't complain though...I'm reading and talking to friends who are in places that are a tad bit colder than here. My problem. I'm working the drive through window...and it's just DRAFTY. Every time I send out the bucket I get a huge draft of cold air. My fingers are FROZEN! The counter heater is on...and there is a metal bar inset into the desk (don't ask my why...or what...but it's there) and it is toasty warm...so I'm sitting with my fingers curled up on this little metal strip!

I'm going to get the basics out of the way and then write about what I'm thinking about.

*got to the gym today. Exercised for an hour...then came home and cleaned the house before going to work.
*Staying within my points....and also tracking calories...just to see what's happening.
*My weight was at 197.0 this morning. The lowest it has been in over a month!

Last night I watched a movie. Well, actually it was a documentary, called Thin. It was about a group of women that were in a rehab center for eating disorders. I watched it because I'm curious. Curious because these are women that struggle with a totally different side of an eating problem. Something that I can not fathom. But I felt compelled to watch and learn about it.

Now, my husband at one point told me that he was afraid that I would lose weight and not know where to stop and just keep losing weight. I admit, I can get REALLY involved in this weight loss process...but I've always assured him that I have no desire to be a string bean. I want to be healthy.

But regardless, I wanted to watch this documentary. Food Addiction is a disease and while it is seemingly total opposite of an eating disorder such as anorexia or bulimia, I wanted to watch and learn.

As I watched this documentary, I was shocked at the efforts these girls/ladies were and are willing to take. But underlying it all, I was sitting there thinking. Oh my word. These ladies are battling the some of the same feelings and thoughts that I have. They are just taking their efforts to reach the epitome that they desire, the extreme. It was quite sobering.

One lady talked about how she would start to eat and just lose control of what and how much she was eating. Sound familiar????

In some of the scenes they showed them talking about why and what started their problems. At least two of the girls talked about how in their childhood they were told that they were fat. In one case by a doctor. In another by a mother who put their child on a strict diet and exercise regime at age 5.

But the biggest thing that I took away is that these 70 pound women honestly believed that they were fat. The one 80-90 pound young girl (aged 15) was crying because she was getting a double chin....and when she left the rehab center her goal was to lose 40 pounds. She honestly thought that she needed to do that in order to fit in with the other skinny people. Their mental image of themselves is that warped.

On therapist had a patient draw a life sized drawing of herself. THEN she had the patient stand in front of the drawing and she traced the girls body....to show how different the perception and the true body was.

Now, as I said earlier...I am in no way at risk for this extremist type of behavior. I am losing to be healthy! Healthy these girls were not! But it did make me ponder a few things about myself.

The biggest.....how is my perception of my body? I know that when I was big, I had the opposite, I didn't think I was as big as I am. But now that I've lost weight, that perception has changed. I just can't believe and grasp the fact that I'm no longer morbidly obese. I STILL pull a shirt out of the closet and hold it up thinking, "there is no way that this shirt will fit me". In essence, I have a warped sense of reality also. The question is....how does one go about actually grasping and understanding that those perceptions are incorrect. For me I think a good deal is just the fact that for so many years I had to do things certain ways that I get used to it.... stuff like, standing on tip-toe to squeeze through a turnstile...I still find myself doing it....even though I can go straight through with no problem.....panicking at a restaurant when they put us in a booth...because that means I'll be crunched up with no room to move. Those sorts of things.

I guess it just takes time!

Is it possible?

You know...I was thinking when I was watching The Biggest Loser this week. What kind of contestant would I be? I know that I would not have been tempted to take the money and run (in reference to this last weeks challenge). BUT....would I be a contestant that would whine and cry about everything that the trainer would make me do? Would I balk like that? Or would I be a contestant that if the trainer said jump 2 feet in the air, I would go 3 feet...just to get the most out of it? I'd like to say that I would be the over achiever.....and I may be....beacuse I don't like to lose. But honestly I'm not sure. But it is food for thought. :-)

If I continue on that line of thought, it makes me wonder how much more 'umph' do I have inside me. It always seems as if the trainers are squeezing out energy and work out of the the contestants that the contestants think is not there. How much harder could I push myself during my workouts? How does one push themselves past that comfort zone and into the next realm? Is it even possible????

Well, yesterday Todd and I were planning on goign to the gym while we were in town to run our errends. Life happened and we didn't make it to the gym. Did I let that interrupt my workout? NOPE! I came home and IMMEDIATELY (before I even put anything away from our shopping in town) I exercised. I did another step aerobic workout and I rode the exercise bike for 45 minutes. SO 1 hour and 15 minutes total.

Ohhh and I SOOO lied the other day when i said that I wasn't at all sore from my first day back doing step aerobics. Ohhhh yeah, yesterday morning I woke up sore sore sore! Yes, as you just read, I did the same routine anyway...eventually the muscles will relax and not hurt! Yep, still sore today...and yep, I'll be working out when I get off of work at 3PM.

My weight. Frustrating...it's not going down. I'm eating right and I've upped my exercise level (not just in how many days....but in intensity)....so I know that in time it will come off....patience is the key!

Got up early this morning. Much earlier than I needed to be up in order to get to work at 9AM. Why? Well, I had some exercising to do. I rode the exercise bike for 30 minutes and then I pulled out the step and did 30 minutes of step aerobics. I haven't done step aerobics in ages. I was surprised. I thought I would struggle a bit more than I did. Tis all good. 1 hour down!

I'm a bit bothered today. Well, not bothered but just disturbed. I have a family member (through marriage) that is planning on having gastric bypass this year. I know, from talking to friends that have had this procedure done that they went through intense counselling and diet work in preparation. This family member has had NOTHING. They are just doing the surgery...pushing this person through. I wonder at how this person will handle the major change in their life that this surgery is going to bring. And I don't mean the obvious of now they are thin. I mean the changes in emotions. The changes in their eating. Let me also say that this person is not one of these 500 pound people. They are probably low to mid 200's. If you have to change your diet anyway due to the surgery...why not just do it naturally.

Ok...that said...that is NOT what disturbs me. Yeah, I don't agree with the quick fix surgery....what bothers me is that this person has a child. I wouldn't categorize the child as fat...but the child is ....well. Some of the words to describe this child would be sturdy and stocky. NOT good words for a girl. This girl is well on her way to having a weight problem. I can see the path that she is on and it breaks my heart. And then to hear that her parent is setting an example of getting the surgery....I'm just blown away. (as a side note, a while back this parent was trying to diet and eat healthy......great opportunity to feed your children healthy foods also right??? Nope.....the children continued eating the fried foods, fast foods, junk food, while this parent ate frozen 'healthy choice' dinner. I wanted to scream at that point). I worry about this little girl seeing that this is the 'fix' and not being taught and shown a healthy way. I worry about her.

Meanwhile, the American Cancer Society is doing some kind of thing locally (technically in the eastern panhandle of West Virginia...but since my bank is based out of WV, we...in the Sharpsburg branch are included) between all the banks in that you earn points based on healthy things that you do. 3 points for each flight of stairs you climb, 1 point for each minute of exercise, 1 point for each 8 ounce glass of water, 1 point for each serving of fruit or veggies. Basically things promoting a healthy lifestyle. The banks are all in competition. There is no prize...other than bragging rights. :-) My branch...we are all excited. First because we all have been talking about being healthy...and there are people in our branch that have been saying that they need to start. Secondly, there are a group of us that are HIGHLY competative. So it shoudl be fun. The problem....we may not have a snowballs chance in hell.....we are a small branch...which means we have to work double hard ...to make up for our lack of people! But it should be good for us!

January 12, 2009 (134 of 365)

January 12, 2009 (134 of 365), originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Took my bike in for a tune up today! WOO HOOO!!!

monday madness

Woke up today feeling oddly re energized. Unfortunately, now that I'm at work that energy is fading away into the doldrums of the day! :-)

My tongue......still numb and just weird feeling. I wonder if some of it is 'in my head'? :-)

Today is my day off of exercise. I have long ago declared my weigh in day my day of rest from exercise....it makes it easy and keeps me from 'cheating' and having more than one day of rest a week. Plus by the time that I spend the 1/2 hour getting to the meeting, the 1/2 hour getting home, (OK...I exaggerate.....but it still takes 20 minutes each way...close enough), the 1/2 hour meeting (longer if it runs over or if I chit chat afterward), and getting there early for the weigh in (I usually am one of the first to arrive...so I can beat the line and also chit chat)....so there is 2 hours! On top of a work day and the normal every day routine of things....yeah, it just makes it easier to make that my day of rest. :-)

My weight today...up a bi 4/10Th's of a pound. Now I don't honestly think that my 2 points extra of milk is the culprit. I freely admit that I ate more carbs yesterday than I normally do......still within my points (except for those pesky 2 points) but carb laden...which does have an affect. :-) So I'm cool with it. I honestly haven't lost anything in this last week. I'm pretty much exactly where I was at last weeks weigh in.....or at least very close. I'm not going to stress about it.....if I keep doing the 'right thing' the weight will drop! :-)

I'm taking my bike into the shop today....I'm going to my second favorite bike shop. It's actually closer than the one that I attempted to go to yesterday. (yes, I called and checked winter hours...they are open today!)

Is this an excuse???

I went over my points today...and blew my numbers. I'm rather disgusted as I wanted to make the 6 weeks (even though my body is NOT giving up the weight)

Oh what you may ask. Well....we live in the land of stink bug invasion. They are terrible around here. IT's terrible. And they keep getting into my house. I get rid of them and they get in again. I can't figure it out.

ANYWAY....I was sitting here on my computer tonight and I had my big 64 ounce water jug/bottle sitting here. I absently reached for it and brought it to my lips. I tilted it back and opened up my mouth........and immediately began to feel and hear a crackling in my mouth! My first thought was 'how did a piece of paper get on top of that water bottle spout'. Then I tasted the awful taste and felt this burning sensation on my tongue, even as I spit out the crackling 'piece of paper' onto my hand. Ohhh my word...it was a stink bug!!!! I ran to the sink and kept shoveling water into my mouth and washing my mouth out. I got a big glass of water and inserted my tongue into the water. Ohhh my word...the bad taste was gone but the burning sensation was still there! Todd was concerned but then started to laugh hystarically when he heard and saw me. He instructed me to drink milk. I did it. Fat free of course....1 cup.....2 points. I stuck my tongue in that milk and drank it (have I ever said that I don't really like milk??) Sadly, the milk didn't help and my tongue just burns and stings!!! It's terrible!!!!

SOOOOOOOOO......2 points over what I should have!!!!! SHUCKS!!!

This day is just turning out to be one hoot after another...first the commando incident...now the stink bug....should I just go to bed now and call this day over??????

A bust, a yummy meal, and an embarrassing lesson

Todd and I made our plans for today, a Sunday off together early in the week. We would start our day at the gym. Go home, shower and change and then head to Frederick. In Frederick, we would drop my bike off at the bike shop and stop at a music store for TOdd and to do some studio business. From there we would head to Gaithersburg where we would enjoy a meal at buca di Beppo. Well, the day didn't turn out quite as we planned.

The bust part. Frederick. I looked online at the bike shop hours and we went down based on that....uhhhh winter hours was NOT posted on the website! So they were closed. We popped the bike back on top of the car and moved on to the music store. Uhhhh they were closed also! What was up with this????

No problem, we headed to Gaithersburg. For some reason, I always get turned around when we go to Buca di Beppo.....but we finally arrived. I was halfway afraid that I'd find them closed. Thankfully they were open (they appeared to be short staffed...but all was ok). The meal was WONDERFUL. Todd and I split an Antipasta Salad and a Lasagna meal. (we got the small servings of each..which serves 1-2 people...so we were dead on with our servings). We DID have some bread too. It was scrumptious!

My weight was down a bit this morning...still a little up from where I was last week during on my weight in day but down from my weird uppage this week.

We woke up this morning and I made breakfast for both of us. I made egg and cheese sandwiches...grilled...using the most wonderful thing I've tried recently....olive oil butter spread! This stuff is incredible...first of all it helps me get my daily requirment of oil, which I admittedly struggle with. But it makes a REALLY REALLY good grillled cheese (or grilled breakfast sandwich).

So anyway, I made breakfast and we got ready to go to the gym. And here is where my embarrassing lesson starts! I went to get dressed. I opened up my underwear drawer and out of habit just started to grab the top pair off the pile. I stopped and started to think. You see, the last few days that I've gone to the gym, I've had a bit of a problem. You see......well......to put it bluntly they ride in ways that they shouldn't ride. OK OK OK, I've gotten wedgies! Exercise wedgies you might say. So anyway, I was looking into the drawer and started to contemplate what pair would best serve my pursposes and NOT ride in an uncomfortable manner. And that is when I got a grand idea! I've never been much of a 'commando' girl myself...but I started to think. If I just put on my exercise pants and skip the underwear...well...there would be nothing to ride improperly! What a grand idea!!!! I couldn't believe my stroke of genius! So off to the gym I went. I did have a momentary thought of what would happen if my pants ripped out at the seam ...but I put that thought out of my mind! I entered the gym....and headed to the elliptical machine. I set myself up and started my workout. I was amazed at how wonderful my 'plan' was working. I felt no uncomfortable 'riding'. It was great. I pushed myself on the elliptical and my time on that machine eventually ended. From there I moved over to an upright exercise bike. I rode HARD....sweat was drippin' I was going gang busters ahead.....knocking fat off of my body! It wasn't until I hit my cool down that I looked down. Now don't ask me why I looked down and noticed the crotch of my pants...but I did. Ohhh my word....it looked like I peed myself. Apparently, the underwear acts as a wick and collects the sweat and keeps it from pooling in the crotch of my pants!!!!! I had to walk out of the gym and across the parking lot looking like I had peed my pants!!!! NEVER again will I go commando to the gym!!!

These things could 'only' happen to me!!!

It's all in my head!

Last night I got home from work and made dinner. I made Southwestern Chicken. We sat down to eat and I took a bite. Ohhh it was a good batch! I took a second bite. Heaven! And that is when it started. It, you may ask? Yes, that is when I started thinking about possibly eating a second helping! I sat there chewing that second bite of food and I rationalized that second serving. Normally on this dish the second serving is Todd's lunch for the next day. But I was thinking, "ohhh what does it matter, there is plenty of food for him for lunch....he doesn't need to have this for lunch" And then it hit me.

Oh my word, I'm not even fully finished my second bite of dinner and I'm already thinking about a second serving? There is no way I'm predicting what I'll feel like after I eat my original serving! I'm just saying this because I can....because I know that if I wanted it, that there is a second serving on the counter. I'm just thinking about a second serving because this meal is so tasty and good that I to want to bask in the goodness. And of course the longer I eat, the longer I can bask!

My mind immediately went to my post that I had written here only hours earlier. I thought about the fact that 1/2 cup of ice cream satisfied just as much as 2 cups. And I realized that I was not going to enjoy a second serving any more than I would be enjoying the first serving. AND I realized once again that my desire for food is not based on hunger or my physical needs, it's totally based on my thought processes!

Like a true addict, I started to eat something. I had that first 'sip' that first 'hit' and I wanted more. I was quickly losing control.....simply because it tasted so good...I wanted to prolong and experience that good feeling.

I ate my third bite and my mind was whirling freakishly fast. But through it all I realized. Yes, this meal is quite tasty.....but it's not as if I can't make it anytime I want it. It's a meal that I usually have the makings for in the house ('tis a great meal because other than normal staples such as flour, milk and eggs....all you need is a small can of green chilies, a can of corn and some chicken breast......and since I always have tons of chicken breast here, it's literally two cans that I have to have...so it's something that I consider a staple and it's relatively healthy!)....I could make it the next day if I wanted it again. It's not as if this was the only chance I'd have this lifetime.....this year...or even this month to eat this food.

At that point, I was determined to NOT have a second helping...no matter what. I ate dainty bites of food and savored each bite of that really good plate of food! I stopped at the end, ate my fruit for my dessert. And do you know what........it really was the truth...I was completely satisfied!

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After dinner Todd and I went grocery shopping. I just for some reason didn't feel like going by myself this weekend...so we went last night. We got home at around 9 or so and I was running around the kitchen putting the food away. Todd had picked up a bag of the baked Doritos for himself. Now I know me. I eat one...and I just can't stop. So when he ripped open the bag I ignored him. He ate one and took another one out and literally put it up to my mouth. I kept my lips firmly closed! I knew that if I ate one, that would be the end of it. I would keep eating that night until somehow I gained control and then I also knew that it would spark me to want to eat more today..and tomorrow....until there were no more (and then I'd want to buy more).

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My weight is still up a bit (down .4 from yesterday though). I really do think that it has something to do with the stomach issues I've been having. I have a friend that has something similar (she's also a weight watcher) and she is experiencing the same little 1-2 pound gain. Go figure!

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After I get off work today at noon, I'm planning on going home and eating lunch. After lunch, the plan is to go up to the gym and do at least 60 minutes cardio. I'll then come home and clean the house (more activity)...Then I will allow myself to sit back, relax and do something fun. (read or watch a movie or whatever....until it's time to make dinner for Todd and I....and it's a late dinner as he doesn't get off of work until 8PM)

Well well well.....things are progressing along. Ploddingly I should say. I've battling some kind of stomach bug. Nothing bad enough to keep me out of work...but just enough to make me queasy and cause food to travel directly through my body! (yikes)



I was thinking this morning in the shower. (yeah, I know....scary thought...mf thinking!) I was actually thinking about an message that I read on the weight watchers boards the other day. The person was talking about their 'little' victory. They wrote that they ate icecream. They measured it out and only ate the 1/2 cup serving instead of their old serving size of 2 cups (or more). AND they were totally satisfied with the 1/2 cup. Well, first of all, that is not a 'little' victory. That is absolutely huge!!! But this morning it got me to thinking. I eat food and want the big portions totally out of habit. That 1/2 cup serving will satisfy the desire for ice cream the same way that 2 cups will do. You only need 1/2 cup to take care of the issue. Ok, so my thought processes are simple in the morning...hey what do you expect....it was dark outside and I was in the shower!



Thought I would add a few more to my list of things that I'm thankful for....



*Being able to sit in a booth at a restaurant (I'm now shocked at how big and roomy they are!)

*being able to have my husbands arms comfortable go around me! That was another deep thought I had this morning. The alarm went off and I just didn't want to get out of bed. I curled up behind my husband put my arms around him. At this I've lost over 100 pounds and he's lost about 80. I was able to comfortably put my arms around him!!! Yeah, we were able to hug each other before but weighing a combined 600 plus pounds well, we were lucky when our arms went the whole way around.

*well, I could say something like, 'we both fit in the shower together now'...but that would be way too much information! ROFL! (NOOOOOOOO He was still in bed when I left for work.....so no shared shower this morning!)

My weight is a little up today...I'm not sure why. I'm not going to worry about it though. I've been totally on target with what I've been eating AND I've actually kicked butt during my last two workouts (yesterday and today).



I'm starting to 'train' and make sure that I'm riding my bike as I'm seriously contemplating joining Donna as she makes her first bike ride event! Yep, it would be my first event also. I've always said that I wanted to do this.....what a great way to start! So yes, very seriously contemplating...serious enough that I've already requested the day before and the day after off from work....they know it's tentative...but it's in the schedule. Todd and i have talked and if we do it, we will sandwich the day of the ride in the middle of a small mini vacation. We'll see. :-)



Today just thought I would make small list of things that I used to take for granted as normal but have since realized was not normal at all!



1. Having a towel that can wrap the whole way around me when I get out of the shower (those big bath sheets were also too small at one point).

2. Being able to walk into ANY store at the mall and find something that is in my size.

3. Not having to worry at an amusement park....I used to worry that I would be too big for rides...and actually wasn't able to ride some because of my size! (admittedly when we went to an amusement park this past summer, I still caught myself worrying about it.....and had to keep telling myself that I was of NORMAL weight and would fit into ANYTHING!)

4. having stomach aches constantly (well, today is an exception...I've been feeling icky all afternoon....and all yesterday afternoon as well)

5. being so big that my stomach over lapped my pants, causing my stomach to rub against the buttons on my pants....which resulted in huge sores on my stomach. I got to the point that I was buying huge band aids (those really big ones) and coating my stomach so that it wouldn't rub my skin raw!





The list goes on and on!!!!!

Weight watcher meeting??? What's that?????? Well, it is what I attended this morning. The news. Well, when I weighed myself at home I wanted to scream...my weight was up a bit. BUT, I still went. I weighed in at 197.4. It could have been a whole lot worse!

That's pretty much all I have to report. I'm determined to work my butt off and get the weight off.

Weighed myself today. (I didn't yesterday as i knew that it would be up because I had popcorn...with salt and a diet soda the night before...recipe for water retention!). 196.8. Going down!!!! Woo hooo!

I'm going to a weight watcher meeting tomorrow morning! According to this mornings weight, I'll show something very close to a maintain since my last weigh in! That really makes me happy! (I'm within about a pound....if the scales are true).

Nothing much happening. I'm eating healthy...but I will admit that I'm struggling. I want to eat and keep eating. I'm resisiting and doing my best to get it back under control!

Exercise....I've exercised 5 of the last 6 days! I'm very proud of myself. I will say that my legs felt like jelly after the gym yesterday! Back to the gym tomorrow for another go at it! Yeah, I've always read that you shouldn't work out before weighing in...hmmmmm. Oh well...that's how it's going to work into my schedule. I'll probably do something not as intense at the gym. We'll have to see.

The cat or healthy exercise?

Yes, that was my choice this morning. I set the alarm to get up an hour earlier than I needed to (I worked this Saturday morning...story of my life) in order to have time to get a bit of exercise in. The alarm went off. I hit the snooze button, rare for me to do in the first place. I fell back asleep and actually started to DREAM in that 9 minutes! It went off again. I got up and went to the bathroom and then stumbled toward the exercise bike. Lucy (the cat) was laying on the seat of the bike just sleeping away. SOUND asleep. Well, I couldn't interrupt her beauty sleep could I? So I went back to sleep and slept for that hour. Yep, fell right back to sleep and deep enough to actually be dreaming. Hmmm...maybe I needed my sleep! I'm not tooo worried. Todd and I have talked about either hiking or going to the gym this afternoon. This morning was just going to be an 'insurance' against the chance that we don't exercise later today. And if we ended up exercising....a double workout.

Ok....the big decision. As I've said, I'm having difficulty finding and getting to a weight watcher meeting. I've decided that I'm going to try to make whatever meeting I chose to attend regularly...be one that is at the beginning of the week. That way I have more chances to get my butt to an alternate meeting if anything happens that keeps me from going to my 'regular' one. The problem is that there isn't any one meeting now that I can definitely get to. My schedule changes at work ...and there are now no meetings that run outside of my work hours! Sooo that is the plan. AND, I'm going to a meeting come hell or high water this upcoming week!!!!! I've GOT to!

HAPPY NEW YEARS!

A week or so ago, I sat down and started to think about my goals for the new year. I've added one more but here they are!

1. I will get myself back to my doctors approved weight watcher weight. That is roughly 20 pounds (yeah, stop gasping...I've gained 20 pounds since mid august!)
2. Continue to keep the business books up to date and not procrastinate (I've done pretty good this year...but in years past...eii yiii yiii)
3. Exercise at least 4 hours each week. That is 4 hours a week or 16 hours a month or 208 hours a year. Wow...when I think of that it really isn't that bad sounding. :-)
4. Try one new recipe a week. Yes, some weeks may not have one...some will have two or three. But at the end of the year, I'd like to have at least 52 new recipes. I get really good about trying new recipes and cooking ideas...but after a month or two, I stop and go back to the tried and true recipes/meals.
5. Religiously take my multi-vitamin (and calcium) pill!

I've made a pretty good start. The other week (Christmas day or there abouts....when I first started thinking about my goals), my weight had crept up to 201.8 pounds. As of this morning it's down to 197.6 That's pretty substantial! I've actually tried out 3 new recipes this past week! Exercise.....I started up on Monday...and I've ridden the exercise bike each day for between 30 to 60 minutes each day! As for the multivitamin....well I thought about it at dinner last night and didn't get up at that point...and promptly forgot about it. And I'm thinking about it right now...at work....so I can't take 'em now! But I will start that!!!

Today at work I'm going to sit down and really look at my schedule and think about a ww meeting. I was thinking Friday morning 9AM meeting would work...it would be tight, but it could possibly work (as long as the meeting didn't run over...or traffic was not bad....or whatever as I would need to be at work a short time after the meeting was to end). BUT upon a few weeks of saying I was going to get to the Friday morning meeting and I've realized that Fridays are usually a long day for me at work.......and the thought of tacking on two more hours (1/2 hour drive in, 1/2 hour drive back, 1/2 hour meeting, 1/2 hour pre meeting-weigh in time) just made me want to cry each week. If it's the only thing that will work, then I guess I'll have to do it. However, my schedule is changing in a week or two and I may be able to work something else out. I have to see! One thing I know.....I NEED to get back to meetings! Accountability! In the meantime...I'm DETERMINED to get back to 195 before I go to whatever meeting I end up going to this upcoming week. (probably Tuesday morning) That is what i weighed last time i was at a meeting!! Yeah, if I don't get there, I won't be upset...because I know how bad it really got and how much I've worked to get it down to where it is today. (4.2 pound down in fact) But it's still the goal that I have set for myself!

The easy part of this journey raises it's ugly head

It's easy. SOOOOO easy to be strong and make vows to yourself, such as; "I will never be over 200 pounds again." It's easy to stand back and say, "Well, I journal and when my allotment of calories/points for the day is gone....I'm done. Period, end of story." It's great to be able to stand back and say, "I have no cravings" Or, "this journey has been the most fabulous and amazing journey." Or even, "I haven't struggled at all." I know...I've made these comments to myself over and over throughout this journey. They are usually made in the thick of a wonderful strong period of the journey, when all is going well. Eating seems a breeze, exercise...while maybe not loved, is happening daily...and the pounds are just melting off my frame. I'm forever grateful to those periods. Those periods of 'healthy living zen' are what have gotten me this far. Sometimes the 'zen' lasts months. Sometimes it lasts only a day. I strive to reach that pinnacle of healthy living each and every day.

I've come further than than I ever even dreamed possible. At one point in this journey I thought that I would be happy and call it quits at 220 pounds. I surpassed that mark and broke the two-hundred pound barrier. I made it into the one hundreds and I was tickled. As the numbers on the scale creeped lower and lower, and consequentially further away from the dreaded two-ohh ohh I made a vow. I boldly and openly vowed and declared that, "I will NEVER again see a two as the first number of my weight. I will never again be 200 pounds or above." The weight loss started to slow down....I made it into the upper 170's (for a few days) but stalled at right around 180 pounds. I stayed there...stuck between 180 and 185. But after months of that, the weight started to rise. 188, 189, ohhhh no, back into the 190's . 192 and 195 came and went. It progressed. Inside I was panicked. I was getting closer to that big bad number. Ohhh I celebrated when I saw it the first time....but to see it again would NOT be a celebration. About a week ago it happened. 201.8 glared up at me from the display on those scales.

I was not happy! I wanted to cry! How in the world could this happen. I had vowed to never see that number again, yet there it was! I promised myself and I broke that promise!

And that is the point of my whole post today. It's sooo easy to stand up and make vows and declarations about how well I'm doing. How easy it is. And how I will NEVER return to what I was. But I needed to learn a lesson. The lesson? As easy as it is to make all those remarks. It's ohhh so ever much easier to lose control and spiral out of control. In the blink of an eye, you are at a Y in the path. If you are not paying attention, you chose the wrong path and once on that wrong path.....it's hard to find your way back to the correct path! Luckily, I have realized that I chose the wrong path and have gotten helplessly lost after only 20 pounds. But what if I hadn't hit that big bad number which made me sit back and yes, freak out? Would it have been 40 pounds? 60? Would I have put back on the whole 120 pounds instead of just 20?

I'm addicted to food. Just because I'm in a thiner me doesn't take away the issue. I got a little of my drug of choice, food; and I couldn't stop. I think I needed to see how quickly it can, does and will spiral out of control. I hope by writing this post that it will help me remember in months and years to come, but also those of you who read it. Even if you are going strong now...please please please remember and learn from my mistakes!!!!

This morning....exercised 45 minutes and more importantly.....199.8

Goodbye flex points!

Ahhhhh a quiet morning here at work. Oops...afternoon now (12 minutes into the afternoon to be exact!)

I really don't have too much to say. I am coming to a conclusion to a test that I have been conducting. Right around the beginning/middle of November I was talking to a weight watcher buddy. And we were talking about how I had never been really able to eat my flex points. It seems as if anytime I eat them, I gain...or maintain on a few rare occaisions. Well, we were talking and I was lamenting this fact. We concocted a scheme in which I try to eat my flex points each week. And not just judge it on a single week or two. Try it for at least a month. I did. I do not like the results. Yeah, I've indulged here and there......but for the most part, I've been withing my points allowance (if I include those flex points). SOOOOO with a sad heart, I'm going to try to knuckle back down to the daily points and ignore those wonderful flex points. I will miss those 35 flex points!