Fingers on the bar and pondering some thoughts

Dang but it's cold! I guess I shouldn't complain though...I'm reading and talking to friends who are in places that are a tad bit colder than here. My problem. I'm working the drive through window...and it's just DRAFTY. Every time I send out the bucket I get a huge draft of cold air. My fingers are FROZEN! The counter heater is on...and there is a metal bar inset into the desk (don't ask my why...or what...but it's there) and it is toasty warm...so I'm sitting with my fingers curled up on this little metal strip!

I'm going to get the basics out of the way and then write about what I'm thinking about.

*got to the gym today. Exercised for an hour...then came home and cleaned the house before going to work.
*Staying within my points....and also tracking calories...just to see what's happening.
*My weight was at 197.0 this morning. The lowest it has been in over a month!

Last night I watched a movie. Well, actually it was a documentary, called Thin. It was about a group of women that were in a rehab center for eating disorders. I watched it because I'm curious. Curious because these are women that struggle with a totally different side of an eating problem. Something that I can not fathom. But I felt compelled to watch and learn about it.

Now, my husband at one point told me that he was afraid that I would lose weight and not know where to stop and just keep losing weight. I admit, I can get REALLY involved in this weight loss process...but I've always assured him that I have no desire to be a string bean. I want to be healthy.

But regardless, I wanted to watch this documentary. Food Addiction is a disease and while it is seemingly total opposite of an eating disorder such as anorexia or bulimia, I wanted to watch and learn.

As I watched this documentary, I was shocked at the efforts these girls/ladies were and are willing to take. But underlying it all, I was sitting there thinking. Oh my word. These ladies are battling the some of the same feelings and thoughts that I have. They are just taking their efforts to reach the epitome that they desire, the extreme. It was quite sobering.

One lady talked about how she would start to eat and just lose control of what and how much she was eating. Sound familiar????

In some of the scenes they showed them talking about why and what started their problems. At least two of the girls talked about how in their childhood they were told that they were fat. In one case by a doctor. In another by a mother who put their child on a strict diet and exercise regime at age 5.

But the biggest thing that I took away is that these 70 pound women honestly believed that they were fat. The one 80-90 pound young girl (aged 15) was crying because she was getting a double chin....and when she left the rehab center her goal was to lose 40 pounds. She honestly thought that she needed to do that in order to fit in with the other skinny people. Their mental image of themselves is that warped.

On therapist had a patient draw a life sized drawing of herself. THEN she had the patient stand in front of the drawing and she traced the girls body....to show how different the perception and the true body was.

Now, as I said earlier...I am in no way at risk for this extremist type of behavior. I am losing to be healthy! Healthy these girls were not! But it did make me ponder a few things about myself.

The biggest.....how is my perception of my body? I know that when I was big, I had the opposite, I didn't think I was as big as I am. But now that I've lost weight, that perception has changed. I just can't believe and grasp the fact that I'm no longer morbidly obese. I STILL pull a shirt out of the closet and hold it up thinking, "there is no way that this shirt will fit me". In essence, I have a warped sense of reality also. The question is....how does one go about actually grasping and understanding that those perceptions are incorrect. For me I think a good deal is just the fact that for so many years I had to do things certain ways that I get used to it.... stuff like, standing on tip-toe to squeeze through a turnstile...I still find myself doing it....even though I can go straight through with no problem.....panicking at a restaurant when they put us in a booth...because that means I'll be crunched up with no room to move. Those sorts of things.

I guess it just takes time!

Dissapointment

I'm relatively positive that I will not show a maintain or a loss tonight. I'm kinda sad about that. I've come close. But, at least (hopefully) I won't show a massive gain. (Honestly, I'm thinking maybe 2 pounds....which is better than the 8-9 pounds that it truely was after my binge week). Oh well...I need to go, suck it up, face the music and get my tail end into gear.

Yesterday at work the gals were tearing down the Christmas decorations. They called me out from my desk (I was at Drive through) because they needed a "skinny" person to climb up on a window ledge (not very high) to take down the garland and pull the staples. Uhhh they were asking me???? Who in the world do you think you are speaking to...i'm fat! But then I had to remember that I am a RECOVERING Fatty! I know I shouldn't say that about myself, but you know, it's the truth. I was fat. I was obese. Heck I was morbidly obese....it was bad. There is no way that I can put my previous weight that is in a good light!

Just recently I was either reading about somehting...or talking to someone and they mentioned that they just don't see themselves as thin. Will I ever feel thin? Or will I always have the 'fat girl' mentality. I still struggle with going into certain stores. I just feel crazy going into them....afterall, a fat girl doesn't need to shop (or can shop) at a lot of stores. It's not that I feel inferior....but I just feel crazy...like I'm trying to stuff a fat body into thin clothes...even though I now that they will and do fit me. It's crazy I know! I'm just wondering if I'll ever get over that feeling...or if those feelings of still being big will be with me forever...seared in my memory!

Another though....skin. I'm still concerned about the saggy skin!!!!! ARRRGGHHH

Well, today Todd and I planned on getting up at a decent hour to go over to the other place to continue to work on our remodelling project (more painting today). I actually set that alarm for 1 hour earlier than need be in order to exercise beforehand. Man, that is soooooo motivating eh? Well, I set up the step and turned on the step aerobic dvd. My back was really stiff...but I started anyway. I know from experience that my back will really loosen up while I exercise and in reality will feel better when I'm through with my exercise. SOOOOOO I trudged on. UNTIL I stepped back off the step and when I came down I twisted my ankle but good. I didn't fall...but I couldn't put weight on it for a few. I limped to the sofa and waited...usually the pain tapers off after a few minutes.. but it didn't seem to be hapening. I finally flipped off the dvd (there is nothing more annoying than hearing an exercise dvd play when you are not exercising). My foot hurt to beat the band...but after a few minutes I was up walking. I knew that it was tender and woudl be tender for a while so i stopped exercising...put everything away and used that time to be productive...I folded the 3 baskets of laundry that I had completed the previous night but just hadn't gotten around to folding. We did still make it over and painted for about 3-4 hours. Got a lot done. The kitchen cabinets are fully primed, the kitchen ceiling is DONE and the kitchen cabinets are halfway painted! Woo hoo! My foot is still a bit tender if I step on it wrong...or if I move it incorrectly (a weird way) but overall its doing pretty good.

Crazy crazy crazy

Funny thing. About a week ago we went out to eat with my parents. The next day my mom told me that my dad had made a comment about me. It was, "MaryFran is looking way to thin....her legs are looking like twigs" My dad has also since then made a few comments to me about having to fattening me up again. He said "we need to put a few pounds on you". CRAZY!

I find that when I'm single mindedly focused on losing weight that I do better. As crazy as that sounds! It scares me though...because I don't want this to be my sole focus for the rest of my life! My only consolation....I know that I have fallen off the bandwagon a good bit in the last few months and I've been able to maintain my weight (within like 5 pounds). That is a good thing! :-)

Todd said that he was worried about me. He is afraid that I'll get to my goal and then want to keep losing. He says that since I don't see the weight loss in myself that he's afraid that I'll be tempted to keep losing until I do see it. And since I don't really see 100+ pounds he's afraid that I won't see the difference with the next 30-40 pounds either. I assured him that I won't be that way! I'm so looking forward to being in that magical range of numbers that I won't do anything to budge outside of those numbers!

Skinny thinking versus fat thinking

I was at work today and Deb, the gal I worked with ran next door to the library. SHe came back with a few Hershey 100cal bars. She gave one to me and one to Russ. Well, Russ ate his and then tried to take my 100 calorie chocolate bar (which I'm saving for AFTER my weigh in). He said, "You don't need it, your skinny!" I just started laughing becuase I'm still considered obese! (ok, 10 pounds less and I'll be considered simply overweight...) I've got about 50 pounds more to lose! And yet he called me skinny! (he's overweight himself...and when I commented on his skinny remark he was like, "to me you are") But it made me think about and the remark that I made back to him...which was "I may be skinny but I've still got a fat girls brain" How true how true! And it is making me think....how can you break the 'fat thinking' cycle? Will I ever get past it...will I ever truely feel thin?