Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The easy part of this journey raises it's ugly head

It's easy. SOOOOO easy to be strong and make vows to yourself, such as; "I will never be over 200 pounds again." It's easy to stand back and say, "Well, I journal and when my allotment of calories/points for the day is gone....I'm done. Period, end of story." It's great to be able to stand back and say, "I have no cravings" Or, "this journey has been the most fabulous and amazing journey." Or even, "I haven't struggled at all." I know...I've made these comments to myself over and over throughout this journey. They are usually made in the thick of a wonderful strong period of the journey, when all is going well. Eating seems a breeze, exercise...while maybe not loved, is happening daily...and the pounds are just melting off my frame. I'm forever grateful to those periods. Those periods of 'healthy living zen' are what have gotten me this far. Sometimes the 'zen' lasts months. Sometimes it lasts only a day. I strive to reach that pinnacle of healthy living each and every day.

I've come further than than I ever even dreamed possible. At one point in this journey I thought that I would be happy and call it quits at 220 pounds. I surpassed that mark and broke the two-hundred pound barrier. I made it into the one hundreds and I was tickled. As the numbers on the scale creeped lower and lower, and consequentially further away from the dreaded two-ohh ohh I made a vow. I boldly and openly vowed and declared that, "I will NEVER again see a two as the first number of my weight. I will never again be 200 pounds or above." The weight loss started to slow down....I made it into the upper 170's (for a few days) but stalled at right around 180 pounds. I stayed there...stuck between 180 and 185. But after months of that, the weight started to rise. 188, 189, ohhhh no, back into the 190's . 192 and 195 came and went. It progressed. Inside I was panicked. I was getting closer to that big bad number. Ohhh I celebrated when I saw it the first time....but to see it again would NOT be a celebration. About a week ago it happened. 201.8 glared up at me from the display on those scales.

I was not happy! I wanted to cry! How in the world could this happen. I had vowed to never see that number again, yet there it was! I promised myself and I broke that promise!

And that is the point of my whole post today. It's sooo easy to stand up and make vows and declarations about how well I'm doing. How easy it is. And how I will NEVER return to what I was. But I needed to learn a lesson. The lesson? As easy as it is to make all those remarks. It's ohhh so ever much easier to lose control and spiral out of control. In the blink of an eye, you are at a Y in the path. If you are not paying attention, you chose the wrong path and once on that wrong path.....it's hard to find your way back to the correct path! Luckily, I have realized that I chose the wrong path and have gotten helplessly lost after only 20 pounds. But what if I hadn't hit that big bad number which made me sit back and yes, freak out? Would it have been 40 pounds? 60? Would I have put back on the whole 120 pounds instead of just 20?

I'm addicted to food. Just because I'm in a thiner me doesn't take away the issue. I got a little of my drug of choice, food; and I couldn't stop. I think I needed to see how quickly it can, does and will spiral out of control. I hope by writing this post that it will help me remember in months and years to come, but also those of you who read it. Even if you are going strong now...please please please remember and learn from my mistakes!!!!

This morning....exercised 45 minutes and more importantly.....199.8


Donna B said...

Ditto Here!
I haven't made it to my 180# goal yet, but I too, vowed not to go over 200#'s again, and yet I was slightly over after Christmas. Hoping it was mostly water retention due to having ham for two days, since I was within my points/calorie ranges both days. I stayed away from cookies and too many sweets, yet I did go over 200#'s. On the way down now! Keep up the good work!

WWSuzi said...

What an awesome post and oh how close to home it hits!! I can see myself in it. And yes i'm trying to stay on the right path this week :) I find it a lot harder after having indulged in a couple of things to not want to keep eating them!!
So i'm following you and i'm off to do an exercise dvd!! Thanks :)

Anonymous said...

I'm addicted to food. Just because I'm in a thiner me doesn't take away the issue.

AMEN SISTER. and the worst thing about it all is that unlike any addiction you "have" to encounter your personal beast every.day.

you cant just quit it.
so hard.

and yet you are back to it.

trudging onward and determined.
stick with it and you know where I am should you want a nudge.


Deborah said...

What a great post. I too vow not to see that 200 mark again in my whole life. And I hope that I have learned how easily it can slip back on since my holiday eating. Thanks for the reminder, we can do this!

Anonymous said...

I caught myself this last time before I hit 200. When the scale hit 195 (slow, steady uphill from 150), I shook off my denial, went to work losing it. I've lost about half of it, at a slow, steady downhill. Hopefully by summer I'll have lost that extra 22 pounds left. Not that it's ever warm enough to wear a bathing suit here, it's just an arbitrary, reasonable timeline.

Teresa said...

I read you blog regularly but have never commented until now. If I didn't know any better I'ld swear you had looked into my sole. I'm back in control for the moment, but it never really gets easier. Keep it up, you've come a long way. Know that your not alone.

Sabs said...

This is so true.Speaking for myself, when I lose weight it is almost like I start to believe keeping it off is much easier than losing it in the first place - it is not. This is a commitment we make to ourselves forever, once you start letting go a little the weight will come back again

JC said...

Great post and great reminder that we have an issue that requires constant attention. We will never be done with it but we are worth the effort. I'm now 209 and I'm looking so forward to hitting that 199 mark. Even though I still have a long way to go, I haven't been below 200 since I graduated high school in 1971. HAPPY 2009!!!!