Thursday, December 02, 2021


It’s been a while since I wrote here.   I wish that I could say that my absence is due to the busy holiday season and no time.   And while it had been busy…and time has been crunched, that is not the reason.  I’ve been slipping in my weight loss journey.   You see, I’m an addict.  I have a serious food addiction and it has been slowly slipping out of control.

I had talked about food addictions for a while, but it wasn’t until one  Incident in 2007 that I was able to clearly see and understand the impetus behind my eating.     It all centered around a visit to a restaurant where I was usually able to eat relatively healthily.  But on that visit I chose to have a small piece of cake.  When I say small, I really mean small!  It was literally a one inch square.   I carried that morsel back to my table like it was a pot of gold.  I slipped that first bite into my mouth and I swear, I heard the angels sing!  It was pure heaven! I wanted more of that feeling!  I ate another bite..and another.   Soon that small piece of cake was gone.  But the angels had sang and I wanted to hear them again!  I went back for more cake and then pudding and pie and other desserts off that dessert bar.  I did it all in a futile effort to make the angels sing again.  Of course they didn’t sing…because through that 2007 incident I realized that The angels singing only happens on that first bite or two.  It’s the first bite of bliss that I am addicted too.  I know that…yet I keep eating to try to obtain that feeling.

I was doing really good before vacation.   I was slowly losing…and maintaining my weight on the weeks I didn’t lose.  But when I came back I began to struggle.  The best way to describe it is that the vacation opened the doors.  The food addiction angels had sang on my Vacation/honeymoon.   Getting back on track was difficult because I was chasing that food addiction.  

Ohh, I didn’t go totally off the rails at first.  I was half heartedly fighting it.  I was still sorta tracking.  I was still trying here and there.  But each day; my weak hold over my addiction wavered and slipped further and further out of my grasp.  I was never eating crazily.  I was just starting to look more toward the foods that I suspected (ok KNOW) would have a higher chance of giving me my food bliss/food high and thus make those angels sing.  This was all done subconsciously but regardless, it was a very tenuous hold over this addiction.  Thanksgiving weekend threw me over the edge into full addiction mode.  

I’m writing here and now that I am vowing to push this aside, to tamp these behaviors down and to regain control.  I wrote this on a Thursday morning…I’m not waiting until Monday.  Next week we have some time off work for my birthday.  Im not waiting until after that.  Now is the time.  

I don’t rightly know how.  Each morning this week I have vowed to keep it under control but then I find myself eating granola bars, macaroni and cheese (I got rid of the last of the leftovers so they wont tempt me today), chocolate chips, etc.   My hope is that the difference is that overnight  I actually realized that the addiction is out control again and needs to be stopped.

I spend time in prayer each day.  Up until recently part of my prayers was ‘to lose weight’.   Naturally this week I switched those prayers to ‘control over my food intake’.  (Which is what made me realize that the addiction was back).  It’s time for the battle to take place…and this battle is NOT in the kitchen…it’s in my head.

I’m stepping away from the clean intermittent fasting and going back to what I did for the last year.    Early morning I’m making my flavored/vitamin water.  Breakfast most likely won’t happen, simply because I don’t like to eat that early.  But it’s not taboo right now. Making it taboo only makes me want it more and/or makes me eat more at lunch.  I’ll revisit the clean fast after I get this addiction back in its box, contained and under control.

Whew….what a downer post.  But one I needed to write!


Mary said...

I'm addicted to sugar so I understand. But I don't make it taboo either. I get how frustrating it can be.

Paula C said...

I have wondered where you've been. I had a feeling that you may be struggling. I am too. I realize I am an addict with certain foods. No control. I am so consistent with exercise. 4-6 days a week I run. Not far or fast but I get it done. But my weight has creeped up over the last 6 months. Every day I tell myself I will start over only to crash & burn. I know what I need to do. I need to just do it. Consistently. It is so hard. I must eat so little to be a normal weight. I have a bad metabolism. Being hungry sucks & unfortunately for me hunger wins every time. But I am starting now, not New Years day.

Mrs Swan said...

I feel you 1000000000% percent.

About 3ish weeks ago I left work a hair early (ON TIME cough. cough) for a training meeting. I grabbed food for myself. I went to Popeyes and ordered a sweet tea. That tea was so good and sweet that my eyes practically rolled around in my head in pleasure.

I knew I was an addict. That moment I flat out said it out loud in the car. I never even ate my sammy. I just wanted the sugar water apparently.

Anonymous said...

I feel so bad for you. I say this all the time. You have so much in your life and now a great guy who married you for YOU! So many woman out there don't have a man that love them for who they are and not by their weight! Rejoice in that! On the other hand, I get it. I am a food addict too. No, not real food. I want the Hostess cupcakes or Drakes Devil Dogs. Put them in the house and its over. And I don't eat during the day which is horrible. No, I pick mini pretzels with a hot tea. All dumb choices and I know it. I won't buy them for myself because again, I can't be trusted at midnight. But my wonderful , lovely husband buys them for me!

I guess what I am trying to say is that instead of banging your head up against a wall, just live. have fun! Enjoy your first married holidays with your hubby! You exercise so much I'm sure you are off setting some of the eating. You've got this!!

Merry Christmas !

peppylady (Dora) said...

I deal with the ups and down with food. I need support and I join over eaters anonymous.
Coffee is on and stay safe

jen said...

I feel for you, it is so hard to be addicted. I am too…I binge eat.
You will win this battle, I know you will. But don’t deny yourself, you deserve to enjoy life too.
Believe in yourself.

Mrs Swan said...

Thinking of you! I'm sure you're just taking a break. I will keep checking back to see when you are "present" again :)