Addiction

It’s been a while since I wrote here.   I wish that I could say that my absence is due to the busy holiday season and no time.   And while it had been busy…and time has been crunched, that is not the reason.  I’ve been slipping in my weight loss journey.   You see, I’m an addict.  I have a serious food addiction and it has been slowly slipping out of control.

I had talked about food addictions for a while, but it wasn’t until one  Incident in 2007 that I was able to clearly see and understand the impetus behind my eating.     It all centered around a visit to a restaurant where I was usually able to eat relatively healthily.  But on that visit I chose to have a small piece of cake.  When I say small, I really mean small!  It was literally a one inch square.   I carried that morsel back to my table like it was a pot of gold.  I slipped that first bite into my mouth and I swear, I heard the angels sing!  It was pure heaven! I wanted more of that feeling!  I ate another bite..and another.   Soon that small piece of cake was gone.  But the angels had sang and I wanted to hear them again!  I went back for more cake and then pudding and pie and other desserts off that dessert bar.  I did it all in a futile effort to make the angels sing again.  Of course they didn’t sing…because through that 2007 incident I realized that The angels singing only happens on that first bite or two.  It’s the first bite of bliss that I am addicted too.  I know that…yet I keep eating to try to obtain that feeling.

I was doing really good before vacation.   I was slowly losing…and maintaining my weight on the weeks I didn’t lose.  But when I came back I began to struggle.  The best way to describe it is that the vacation opened the doors.  The food addiction angels had sang on my Vacation/honeymoon.   Getting back on track was difficult because I was chasing that food addiction.  

Ohh, I didn’t go totally off the rails at first.  I was half heartedly fighting it.  I was still sorta tracking.  I was still trying here and there.  But each day; my weak hold over my addiction wavered and slipped further and further out of my grasp.  I was never eating crazily.  I was just starting to look more toward the foods that I suspected (ok KNOW) would have a higher chance of giving me my food bliss/food high and thus make those angels sing.  This was all done subconsciously but regardless, it was a very tenuous hold over this addiction.  Thanksgiving weekend threw me over the edge into full addiction mode.  

I’m writing here and now that I am vowing to push this aside, to tamp these behaviors down and to regain control.  I wrote this on a Thursday morning…I’m not waiting until Monday.  Next week we have some time off work for my birthday.  Im not waiting until after that.  Now is the time.  

I don’t rightly know how.  Each morning this week I have vowed to keep it under control but then I find myself eating granola bars, macaroni and cheese (I got rid of the last of the leftovers so they wont tempt me today), chocolate chips, etc.   My hope is that the difference is that overnight  I actually realized that the addiction is out control again and needs to be stopped.

I spend time in prayer each day.  Up until recently part of my prayers was ‘to lose weight’.   Naturally this week I switched those prayers to ‘control over my food intake’.  (Which is what made me realize that the addiction was back).  It’s time for the battle to take place…and this battle is NOT in the kitchen…it’s in my head.

I’m stepping away from the clean intermittent fasting and going back to what I did for the last year.    Early morning I’m making my flavored/vitamin water.  Breakfast most likely won’t happen, simply because I don’t like to eat that early.  But it’s not taboo right now. Making it taboo only makes me want it more and/or makes me eat more at lunch.  I’ll revisit the clean fast after I get this addiction back in its box, contained and under control.

Whew….what a downer post.  But one I needed to write!

Food addict

 It took me a long time to admit that I really was a food addict.  I didn't want to admit something like that.  I didn't want to admit that I have a problem and struggle to control myself.  How embarrassing!  But I eventually did admit it!  

I had a few moments where I was confused and concerned about the fact that my mind didn't seem to be hardwired like other people when it came to food.  But nothing clicked until the Hoss Cake Incident.  The Hoss cake incident is where I ate a tiny piece of cake and I heard the angels sing.  I was able to really realize that I got a bit of a euphoric high when I ate something that my mind deemed delicious.   I felt that high and I kept chasing after that high, trying to retain and recapture that feeling.   Food is my high and my source of euphoria!   

I have often talked about how a food addiction is hard to overcome.  I can't just stay away from my temptation.  I have to face my addiction each time I sit down for a meal.  Three meals a day I face my addiction.  Each time I put food into my mouth I wait for the angels to sing.  I wait for that high.  I don't know when it's going to hit or what food will cause that feeling.  But when that feeling comes, I want it.  It is so blissful and euphoric that I can't help myself.  I just want to continue shoveling the food into my mouth to keep that feeling.   

I can't just avoid the temptations.  I can hear those angels sing for any number of food. It might be a cheeseburger this week.  The angels might not sing for a few weeks and then I will eat a piece of cake and it will be absolutely beautiful and euphoric.  The next high might come from something as simple as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  It is difficult!

I have three tips that I TRY to use as much as possible in an effort to avoid and conquer against this demon of an addiction.

1.  I try to avoid foods that I think will cause me to feel that euphoria.  I don't eat Reece's Cups all that often because I know there is a higher chance of losing control.  I try to eliminate as much temptation as I possibly can!

2.  Straight up Willpower.  I try to force myself to think about the fact that I know that losing control is the response of my addict addled brain.  I know in my brain that eating more and more and more of an item is NOT going to make me hear the angels sing forever or even retain that euphoric feeling.   I try to employ every ounce of willpower that I have.  DO NOT EAT THAT FOOD MARYFRAN!  It's a brain game!

3.  Celebrate the successes.  When you do start to gain control over the food addiction, a sense of pride in your accomplishments will overtake you.  Allow that feeling of pride and success wash over you.  Allow your mind to revel in the success.   And build upon that success.  Start realizing that you CAN do it and that you have done it (even if just once) and that you WILL do it again!  Build on the successes that you have!!!

Food addiction is hard one to work with.  But it IS possible to navigate and beat!  It just takes perseverance and persistence in your efforts!  I will be fighting this for the rest of my life.  But I am determined that I WILL succeed!!!!!

To watch my video on this subject.... 

The addiction thing is so true. On monday night, Todd and I went out to eat dinner. We were at a buffet/salad bar. I am usually able to stay away from the dessert bar, or at least manage it with healthy choices. Well, after my week I was just plain and simple disgusted. My weight jumped up...and wouldn't go back down...no matter what I did! So Monday night rolls around and my mentality was that, "heck, if the scales are gonna show an increase, I may as well at least eat something that I'll enjoy at lesat once!" So I hit the dessert bar. I got a small piece of cake! IT was scrumptious! Absolutely delicious! I sat at the table and pondered...and pondered! It was so dang good that I had to head back for me! I got a total of two more pieces. Oh yes, and the pudding, and the icecream! On the way home, todd and I talked about it and I realized that yes, That was totally a sign of addiction. I ate that first piece of cake and it was soooooo good. I finished the cake and that feeling of satisfaction wasn't there any longer. I wanted to feel that again...so I got another piece of cake. And another. BUT, what I realized.....that 'high' only came wiht the first few bites of the cake. I really didn't totally enjoy the second and third pieces of the cake! It was only that initial high that tasted good....yet I strived to get that feeling again and again and again! If that's not an addiction, then what is?

Today I had mom check my blood sugar levels and my blood pressure. Things are all in line! I'm relieved about that!

I was up a bit at my weigh in...but it's all good! We learn from the rough times. Chalk up another lesson learned for me! :-)