Thursday, February 03, 2022

I want

​I want so much.  I have such grand ideas…but sometimes it just doesn’t happen.  But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want it.  I still desperately want to lose weight.  And it is so weird to want something so badly but yet find myself shoveling food into my mouth like a crazed woman.    That is where I am at.  I want more for my life than a job that is honestly just a job…8 hours of being someone’s slave.  I want, but it always seems as if I come up lacking.

The job situation

Work has continued to be stressful. The job itself is stressful but the management is making it near unbearable.  There is so much micromanaging it is ridiculous.  I wrote out a long vent paragraph, but have always tried to be responsible with what I post…so I got rid of it.  Just know that I am quite unhappy.   I basically wish my weeks away…come on Friday evening!  I feel the depression settle in each Sunday…Sunday morning just a twinge…but growing more steadily throughout the day until Sunday evening when the dread is back full force.  That is no way to live.

2022 miles in 2022

My mileage challenge is going well.  I finished the month of January with some extra miles ‘in the bank’.  Yes, I am ahead of where I need to be in order to get my yearly miles. I consistently ride the exercise bike and we continue to walk every evening after work.  

Happy with my decision

I remain happy and content with my decision to stop posting on YouTube.  I miss the encouragement and some of the people that I follow.  But when I think about turning on my computer to watch…we’ll it just doesn’t happen.  I just can’t eat to do it…The freedom form the work involved in the YouTube channel just keeps me from even having the energy to turn on the computer.  I am bothered abbot about my phone though.  I have tried a few times to reply to comments on this site and to comment on other peoples blogs and my phone won’t let me comment!  I clear my cookies and clean the cache but seriously…it doesn’t work!   Grrrrrr!  Just know that I am reading your posts and comments!  (Remember what I said earlier about not even turning the computer on)


Ahhh the big weight loss section.  Here it is.   So my 50 in 50 pound challenge.  The challenge to lose 50 pounds in the year that I turn 50 (this year). I started January strong with 5 pounds…and since then yo-yoed. I have some days maintained that 5 pound loss and other days I throw up my hands and say well apparently I haven’t lost a single thing in this new year.   

I know that it is 100% my effort that is lacking.  I can’t even dare say that I’m eating completely right.  I’m tracking?  What’s that!     (I have managed to stop eating the constant stream of apple dumplings though.  I eat one the first day I make them and then no more…so about one dumpling a week.).   How is it possible to want something so bad but have seemingly no control over my efforts to obtain it.   And yes…I know I ultimately have the control….but I’m struggling with grabbing and maintaining the control. 

So you can see…I want….but I’m lacking!    Even with the depressing  talk that has filled this post….I know that I am lucky.  I have a man that loves me just the way I am.  I have something that some people may never experience…and for that I am blessed!!!  I just need to figure out how to fix these other areas of my life!!!


Felicia said...

It sounds like you’re in a rut and it’s okay! It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and still want all of those of things. I worked in a job I hated for six years, I completely understand the agony of those days off because that cloud of doom is lingering over you. It’s going to be okay, it’s just a bit stormy right now.

SANRDJ said...

Ugh so much of what you write about my husband has been struggling with. He hates his job and the people that he works for but he has 4 years until a full pension retirement so he's hanging in there. I have been telling him for years to leave it and find something else, but he has tried to make it better by turning off his phone when he gets home at night and he is using all of his vacation now. Even if it's just a day here and there to make a long weekend. When we are stressed about one thing, it affects everything. Your job stress is likely flowing over to your weight loss woes. I'm sorry you are feeling this now... hopefully you see a light at the end of the tunnel soon. :)

Anonymous said...

Why don't you get a different job?

Possibly seeing a weight loss counselor or an entity to hold you accountable daily would help...?

Mary said...

I feel the same way about my job. I don't hate it, but I begrudge the 9 to 10 hours a day it takes up. But I have less than 2 years to get a full pension so it would be dumb to quit now. If I were your age I would probably look for something different.

Straighten My Crown said...

Being unhappy at work is very draining. I was at my last job for almost 11 years, and I hated it, but I had great benefits and felt like I couldn't afford to leave. Then I got laid off during the pandemic, and I was forced to find something else. Guess what? I survived. I adapted. I make less money, but I reworked my budget and made it work, and I am much happier where I am now. My point being, even if you sacrifice a bit to make the change, see if you can make it work for you.

Amy said...

I was the same way with my job but I was afraid to leave after 20 years of doing only that one thing. Staying after burn-out made me not care if I was doing my job well or not, which is not my personality at all. I actually got depressed about it before I decided that the second half of my work years were not going to be that way. I figured out what I like and got certified and now I really enjoy my job. I don't dread it, and even find it somewhat addictive/hard to stop when it's quitting time. It makes a huge difference in my mental health. I hope you find something you like more.

jen said...

I hope you find a solution to fix up “mess” in your life. Being unhappy in your work can be depressing…you don’t need or want that. I feel for you.

Mrs Swan said...

Burnt out is what I am feeling as I read this post.

I don't suppose you have a vacation coming up soon?

I hope that things smooth out quickly!

Paula C said...

I knew something was up when you weren't posting. It seems you & I are in the same place. The last 7 months have been a disappointment. I have not lost weight. It is really hard to push hard when you aren't seeing results. I am there. I don't want to do something extreme since I know I can't sustain it forever. I just started calorie counting again. I only lost 0.2 pounds this week. So now I know I need to work harder. It just sucks having to work that hard.