A glitch in thinking: weight loss emotions

How often do we feel like giving up??? How often do we just want to throw in the towel and say ‘enough is enough’.  I’m done attempting to do this weight loss thing.  It is bound to happen.  And happen it did to me this week!

After my fabulous weekend when I smashed my goals but showed a gain on the scales I headed into the work week super motivated to knock this weight loss into high gear.   I had already stocked the house with healthy snacks and nutritious foods so I was ready!

On Monday I rolled through my day pretty well.  I kept to my plan and honestly feel as if I did well.   And the scales still didn’t budge!   So on Tuesday while I stayed on plan....I really dealt with a whole lot of emotional angst!  My underlying thought that tippled through my brain at regular intervals was the concept of ‘is this even worth it?’   I mean, I like myself.  I’m head over heels in love and he doesn’t seem to mind my excess weight. So seriously...why am I torturing myself?   What in the world am I doing?

Now even as I write this a day later, part of me just wants to end the post right there.   But I have to be fair....I am doing this for a variety of reasons.

I want to be fit and active.   I want to be able to hike and ride my bike and do things.  I want to wear neat clothes and not be self conscious about my body.  And I want to be the way I was when I lost the weight.  I had so much energy, I had so much pep in my step, I felt on top of the world!  I want that.

But yet...on days where progress is just not happening I question my determination to do this to completion!

I am still working on this.  I don’t know what the problem is.  In an e-mail to a friend yesterday I talked about where I’m at.  It seems as if the only thing I can do is drop my calories to 1200...because I’m not losing at 1500 calories.   I didn’t want to do that because that level is very ‘restrictive’ and I have been trying to find a balance...even if it is a much slower weight loss journey for me....it would be a good trade off.  But that said, I’m barely maintaining at 1500 calories.  Tracking every bite...my food for yesterday??  Banana for breakfast...side salad with cheese (for protein) with honey mustard dressing (the only non veggie things in the salad was the cheese and salad dressing) and I also had some cut up fresh pineapple for lunch.     For dinner I had a cup of leftover spaghetti and a bowl of vegetarian three bean chili ....I had fat free sour cream with the chili....I was still hungry so I ended my dinner with 1/2 cup cottage cheese....which hit the spot.   

That is a typical day.   Banana for breakfast, fruit and a salad (or a pb&j) for lunch, and a nututious balanced dinner.    (Tonight is a Parmesan Chicken, Baked zucchini Parmesan and another side veggie or roasted potatoes...as yet undetermined...pretty balanced)

So who knows!  I have not given up...just allowing my emotional angst to play itself out and hopefully go away!  

We had snow lasts night...and now cold.  Lucky us (and lucky most people in the stares as the cold is pretty widespread!). So I will leave you with a snow picture!!

In the meantime....I’ll keep fighting the emotional demons down!!!

Roar like a lion

So the other day I wrote a post and just expressed my utter feelings of despondancy over this journey and where I am right now.  I really did feel like giving up.  I do feel as if I'm beating my head against a brick wall.  There are factors and forces in my life that is making this difficult.  I felt (feel) that I am doing the best I could but it just isn't enough.

So after that last blog post, I stepped back and said "for a few days I'm doing what I want......no scales....no tracking....no real thought about it."

It gave me some time to think...it gave me some time to reflect.  It gave me some time 'away'.  (In fairness...I still popped onto myfitnesspal to keep my streak going...how lame is that?)

You see,  I'm tired of this journey.  I've been blogging about the journey for more than 10  years.  I actually just celebrated my 10 year blogiversary in January of this year.  But I was actually trying to lose for a while before that.   I've celebrated some amazing victories.....but for most of that time, I have been 'chasing the dream'.  That's a long time.... (and yes, I do know that this is a life change....something that will be done for the rest of my life).

Someday maybe I can live a life where I don't track religiously.  Maybe someday I can live a life where I don't constantly have to watch. Maybe someday I can live a life where I don't watch the numbers on the scales (once a week).   But I know that right now....those things are necessary for me.  When I don't do them I start to sink into a bad place.  (How do you think I gained some of this weight back after I reached my goal weight......I got disgusted with my initial weight gain and I stopped tracking....and I stopped weighing .....and well.....the weight came back on at an alarming rate).

So.....I took a few days off.   I did have a Reeces Cup.....not the king size...but the normal size package.  I did have a piece or two of shoo-fly pie (hey, my parents went to Lancaster, PA and they brought back a little bit for me!)   I did eat some Vanilla Oreos with some delicious chocolate ganache icing that my mom had leftover in the fridge.  I don't feel guilty.  I don't feel bad.     Other than those sweet treats....I actually ate pretty reasonably.  It was a huge relief to not have to worry about it for a while.

The question?   How much did I gain...or lose?   I have no clue.  I'm not worrying about it until official weigh in day.  

Last night I got home and I actually felt ready to track my food.  Furthermore, I felt interested to know how much food I really ate over the last few days...where my calorie count was.  I debated if I should put my food in for the last few days.  But curiosity won out.     The first figure is base calories and the second is with whatever exercise calories I earned netted out.

Wednesday   1023  -     721
Thursday    1339   -  1314
Friday     2217    -  1537
Saturday  1828    -   1801
Sunday   1689   -  983   

Soooo, while I'm still just kind of disillusioned and unsure of what direction to move....I'm going to stay the course....work on drinking my water....work on eating more fruits and veggies....work on limiting the sweet treats.

 This weekend Jason and I headed toward the mountains. We figured some good long hikes in the mountains were just what the doctor ordered.....especially since we spent the last two weekends exploring and hiking at more 'coastal like' places.   (Point Lookout State Park two weeks ago and Leesylvania State park last weekend).     It felt good to be surrounded by the mountains.  But on Saturday afternoon/evening we got stormed out....(that's ok, we relaxed, talked, laughed and watched tv together....sometimes you need days like that)  and on Sunday we woke up and looked out the window and we just decided we didn't want to sweat and suffer in the heat.  So we regrouped and came up with a new plan.  The new plan???   Lets go into DC and hit some of the Smithsonian museums.

The walk across the parking lot to the metro and the few blocks of walking from the metro station to the museums was enough to make both of us pinken up with a slight sun burn (not really a burn...just a nice pinkish tint that tanned by the next morning).  So it was probably a really good change of plans! 

We went into the Natural History Museum first.   This was Jason's first choice of museums as he is fascinated by nature and animals.     Lions....tigers.. bears... squid..... whales........ gems.... mummies...  dinosaurs... butterflies...... insects...... neanderthals.  You name it, we saw it!  

Next we headed to the museum next door.....the museum that is my all time favorite in the Smithsonian.  The Museum of American History.  

 How can an American not be enthralled by seeing the actual Star Spangled Banner (which was fitting since last fall I did the flag thing...by visiting the Betsy Ross House in Philadelphia which is credited with being the place and the person that sewed the first American flag.  AND a few weeks later with  visiting the Star Spangled banner House in Baltimore and is coincidentally  the location of the creation of the actual star spangled banner flag.  (Just for a laugh and a neat memory...I went to Baltimore the day after my first date ever with Jason....I was really coy in that blog post saying 'I met up with a friend that evening....ha ha ha...it was a first date with Jason...but we had been talking for a while and we were technically already friends!)     Sorry no pictures allowed of the Flag....it's not allowed to help preserve the artifact.

So we saw the flag..... the sit in lunch counter that really sparked desegregation..... Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz's ruby red slippers..... Julia Child's kitchen..... the dresses that many of the first ladies wore at inaugurations and other major events during their husbands presidency..... artifacts from the presidents and their families through the years.... neat rare money.... cars and trains and boats and bikes that show the progress of transportation in America.... and so much more!  (Sadly, we either missed the Fonz's jacket or else it was not on display at this time)

It was a great way to spend a hot day....a little crowded, but not too bad.    Lots and lots of walking....in fact my legs were more sore from the miles we walked (well over 5) plus all the standing as we looked than if I had hiked up the side of a mountain!

I give up!!

UI'm giving up!  Throwing up my hands!  Calling it quits!

Ok, the numbers on the scales weren't good my weekly weigh in.  I was up a few pounds.  But seriously?   It is disheartening.  I am not eating way out of control .  I moved.....ran and hiked and walked.   Disheartening!!!

Look at my stats...I'm doing well!   

Ok, I know that I don't REALLY want to call it quits.  I know that I still really want to be healthy....to be thin....to be active.  I want to live a full life....and I know that being healthy and getting my weight under control is a big factor.  But something has to give.  I can't keep banging my head against a brick wall.