Sitting on the Fence

This week has not been a raging success.   This week has not been a colossal failure.   This week has simply been a steady line.  And honestly...for that, I am amazed because the week has been nuts!

Yes...you read that right.  In terms of weight loss...I am sitting still. My numbers from last week to this week remained largely the same.  There was not much fluctuation on the scales. On one hand that totally disgusts me.  I’m not eating crazy amounts of food.  I’m eating 1400-1500 calories daily.   Typically I limit my carbs.  I haven’t done too badly overall.  So it is annoying as all get out that I’m still sitting here with the scales not moving. However, this week has been nuts at work!   I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth.   There is a new launch at work.  Hopelessness, confusion, stress, worry and feelings of being overwhelmed are just a smattering of feelings that have courses through me this week. And let me tell you, those feelings linger and stay within me even after the work day is over.  The launch of these new (to me and my coworkers)  products is slated for Monday...ready or not.   And I do NOT feel ready.  The last launch of something new was 2-3 months ago and that launch week brought tears and a really rough first week.....and I felt prepared for that launch...unlike this one.  So I fear next week...thus incredible stress.    I am vowing to eat right and not let the stress drive me toward food.   And I plan to continue with my exercise bike rides on my breaks/lunch.    I want a loss...but I know that realistically a maintain this week and next will be a victory!  

It’s been a rainy week but Jason and I have managed to dodge the raindrops and have continued to get our after work walks in each night.  We got wet/damp one or two nights..but never drenched.   The forecast isn’t looking good today...so we shall see about tonight’s walk!

I am still on track with my  2021 mile challenge!  It is rare that I don’t get my minimum requirement of 6 miles for each day. So I’m happy with that!

Mertz has stayed close to me while I have been at work.  Many days she gets on my desk and is in my face.  She must be sensing my stress...she hasn’t been in my face and on my desk...but I have caught her a few times laying on the cat braided mini rug! My girl staying close!

Could it be: reasons for the lack of success

Here we are again.  It’s Monday and the beginning of the week.  I can’t say that the weekend was anything spectacular in terms of healthy living.  But the weekend was exactly what I needed....a whole lot of simple pleasures and relaxation.  I did have a revelation that may or may not be what had been affecting me in my weight loss journey.   What was it? It’s all about stress and the affect that has on a body!

Stress?  What kind of stress am I under?  Seriously, I am deliriously happy in my relationship, what could be the issue?  Well let me backtrack a few months.  In Early December my employer took me off of one team and put me in training for a different team.  It was the same computer systems, which was nice. But it involves totally different procedures and rules.  No problem.  I learn easily and quickly so training has been a breeze.  Three months of training which brings us to the here and now.  It is time to launch this new product and go ‘live’.    As I mentioned before, I learn easily so ‘no problem’.  Except that there is a problem.  I still have many unanswered questions.  When asked the answer is ‘we still haven’t been informed’ or ‘we haven’t figured that out yet’.  What???  My ease of my job and the level of my job performance and the quality of my work (meaning the happiness of our the clientele I work with) is dependent upon these questions!  As if that is not stressful enough.  One week we are told the way to do a procedure, but it is very possible that within a week or two that the information will be changed to something totally different.  (As evidenced by a huge change..in a 42 page document that we were given minutes before we left on Friday...when we go live first thing on Monday). I’m not blaming anyone...it is just the nature of the beast when launching a new product and the support that accompanies the said product.  But...it leaves the nerves frayed a bit!  Regardless, I thought I was doing great.  I learn easily so quickly I became the voice that answered questions and the one  that coworkers have looked to.   For quite a few weeks I have been spending a portion of my days talking coworkers off the ledge in terms of stress and frustration.   I have reminded them that it WILL be chaotic and stressful but give it a few weeks and we will feel like pros. My pep talks have happened frequently and more and more often as the launch grew closer.  I was the strong one.....or so I thought.

I left work on Friday and could tell I felt jittery and off balance.  But it wasn’t until I got home and saw the welcoming smile and felt the warmth of Jason’s embrace that it came crashing down.  I had a complete  meltdown and all of MY pent up stress came pouring out.  It was somewhat surprising as I had no idea that this was all burning a hole inside me!   

The weekend has been a lot of me worrying and/or me trying to avoid thinking about what very well may happen today (we are supposed to launch...but there is a slight chance we won’t...at this point though I almost just want to do it and get this over with!).  Poor Mertz senses my unrest and spent the weekend watching me and trying to be as near me as possible....to offer comfort.  And of course Jason has been a trooper in his support and love.  Ready or not, here we go!!

I had this revelation about the stress and realized that the stress had most likely been burning a hole within me for a while.  Early Saturday morning (awake super early unable to sleep...darn stress) I realized that quite possible the silent ravages of stress had been affecting my weight loss efforts in February.....in case you didn’t know, the results were a bit dismal  I’m not using the stress as an excuse...I am the one in control. I’m just saying that stress probably drove some of my actions within the month of February.  Stress most likely drove my though processes and actions.   I would like to say that knowing this changed my behaviors this weekend.  It wasn’t awful, but my calories were high!  

The weekend was just what I needed. A time to decompress and just enjoy time.   We isn’t so much of anything note worthy, just enjoyed time together.   The two things I will mention:

* If you haven’t seen Bohemian Rhapsody...the movie about Queen, do it!!!!   We rented it (5.99 on Amazon) and it was well worth the money!

* How connected are you with your partner when you get the exact same fortune in your cookie that he gets???!  Yup...it happened on Friday night!!

So, here I am at the cusp of a new week!  I’m still filled with trepidation at what lies ahead.  But it’s life and therefore I have no choice but to face it head on!   The stress is here.  Now that it had raised its ugly head I am hyper aware of it lurking within and doing its damage in my thoughts and physical being.  I know that the stress will have an affect upon my weight loss efforts not just in the physical aspect of how my body works internally, but also with how my mind and emotions react with food.  I am going to have to guard against the stress eating and poor choices until these new job tasks become second nature!