Saturday, March 08, 2014

Why am I doing this Again?

Routine, work well when I am in a routine and things are going like 'normal'.  This week was anything but routine.  Snow (yes, again) on Monday cancelled Zumba.  Snow lingering on the ground on Tuesday and Wednesday (and remember I get off work at 6 so it's dark when I get off) kept me from running in the morning (ok and because I'm a wimp and don't run in snow and on ice).   No zumba due to fat tuesday and Ash Wednesday (the church uses the hall that we use) and well, it just blows my routine.  I ate half way decently, but there may or may not have been some brownies involved. (ironically enough, the days I ate the brownies I actually ate accordingly and didn't blow my calories).  Hopefully this week will get me back on track.

So as I struggled this week I had lots of thoughts going through my head.   I will admit that not all the thoughts were positive. One day I was getting ready to go to work and I was thinking about situations in my life and then my quest to be thin and I have to admit it.  What am I admitting?   Out loud for the world  (ok so it was just my cats in the house with me) to hear I said "Why am I doing this?"   You see, losing the weight is not going to 'save' my marriage.     It's not going to solve my financial woes.  It's not going to magically give me a career that I love.  It's not going to do lots of things.  Why am I denying myself the things I love when I'm not going to reap the benefits of my hearts deepest desire.  Why indeed!

I am happy to say that I didn't say that and just rush off to the kitchen to eat up a pan of brownies....or a bag of chips...or whatever.  I don't rightly know why not.  I think it was simply because my mind was just lethargic that day and I didn't have the brain power available to think about it so I just continued on with the path that I was on.  Maybe I did have a moment of clarity that said "continue on" .  I don't know.

Whatever the reason, this week I continued forward; pretty much on autopilot.  And then a chance encounter at a grocery store  made me step back and think about it deeply.

I was in the checkout line at the grocery store and the cashier looked at me and said "Do you like this product?"  It was for Smart Ones frozen pizzas.  I actually buy them for Todd...I'm not a big fan. I told her that....said that the smart ones tend to be high in sodium but they do the trick.  They manage portion control and are quick and easy that that sometimes is what we need to avoid McDonalds or other bad places (ok, they aren't bad but it just sounded good).  We got to talking.  She is 2 weeks into her journey.  I gave her a brief history.... "weighed over 300 pounds, lost 130 some pounds, gained a few back and now working to relose".  My brief history opened up the floodgates and she started talking.  She mentioned that someone had noticed her weight loss. For some reason, it brought back a memory.

I had lost probably about 100 pounds and I was walking down the street when a truck drove by.  The guy in the truck whistled.   I jumped and looked around to see who was around, because Fat girls don't get whistled at.   Much to my surprise I was the only one on the street and furthermore, the truck was at the stop sign and he was looking at me.   I was in shock.  Serious shock.  Here I was in my mid 30's and I had had my first 'whistle'.  Yeah, I'd like to say I was graceful and smiled, maybe flipped my hair over my shoulder all sexy like.   However, that wasn't the case.  In shock, I tripped and fell down.  I KID YOU NOT!

But you see, I was whistled at. ME.  I don't need to be whistled at to make myself feel good.  But honestly, I want to be the woman that IS whistled at!  I want that.

I talked to this cashier about the energy levels I had at my lower weight.  It was amazing.  Exercising takes time but I still had more than enough time in my day to get stuff done.  I want that!

The more I thought about the whistle the more I remembered the good things about being thin.  (and some I never lost when I started regaining, but if I don't get it in line, I will be in grave danger of losing these perks)

**Clothes that fit spectacularly
**Fitting on rides at amusement parks
**Towels that wrap the whole way around your body
**Clothes that can be purchased ANYWHERE, not just the fat woman's store...or in the fat woman's department
**Not being cramped in a table at a restaurant,
**going through a turnstile without having to squish my fat body through the tight space
**Self see when we feel food about ourselves, our self confidence flourishes

And yes, I could sit here and come up with a TON more  TONS

Maybe the perks do outweigh the choice of giving up what I love..


timothy said...

gotta LOVE a validation and glad this refocused you! there's also another reason to stay on track because you DESERVE all the benefits of bein thin/healthy!

Gwen said...

Mary Fran, when/until you can come to the realization AND acceptance that those foods you love are toxic for will continue to spin your wheels. I truly believe that. When the time is right, it will and can happen. I have no magic ball to say when it might happen...I can only say that for me, the more I read and educated myself about certain foods and its true effects on our body, it started to change the way I felt about those previously beloved foods. Instead of being adored, sought after...they became my enemy. when that happens, if that happens, you are practically home free. :)