Drowning: lost in the numbers

It’s Friday! That means it’s time for a weigh in check in. It’s time for the weekly wrap up.  And of course it’s time to share any great deep thoughts or discoveries that I had made this week. This week I had some success with the sweet treats at night. I also had a few pretty big discoveries in regards to my weigh ins and sharing my journey. 

First I will say that I did manage to walk most days this week on my breaks and lunches at work. I missed one or two due to rain, but I’m still walking away!  I need to get my ‘formal exercise’ game on though!   I swore I would run three times...I only made it two times.  But that’s better than none!!!

For a long time I have talked about how I like to weigh in every day. I know that this doesn’t work for some people. But for me it does tend to work. It keeps me on task and on target. Like I’ve said many many times this is an individual journey and we have to do what works best for us. So I weigh myself every day. Early on though, I realized that I needed to have one specific day for an official way in. On Wednesdays I report my weight to my friend Julie.  She weighs in at her weight watchers meeting that day, so  it’s an accountability thing for both of us. For the longest time I used Wednesdays as my way day…my official weigh in day. A few weeks ago I decided to change my day for the official weight results to be Friday. And I was happy with that decision and everything went fine. This week however on Wednesday I weighed myself and looked at the numbers and I realized that I was drowning in all of the numbers. I didn’t see any kind of success because my weight does fluctuate a bit and I don’t quickly know what previous weight I should be stacking my current weight agains.  So, I went to my weight tracker where I enter my weight. I enter it most days, or at least a couple times a week trying always to hit Wednesday and Friday for sure. I just looked at my Wednesday weigh ins. I ignored all of the other days. I was shocked! Here I was drowning in the numbers thinking I wasn’t doing anything and making no progress. Two weeks ago on Wednesday I was 254.6 pounds. Last week I reported my weight to Julie but didn’t really look at it as any kind of success… Because I was fluctuating from the weekend lack of water whatever. So two weeks ago I was 254.6 pounds.  Wednesday of this week  I was 247.2 pounds. That is a 7.4 pound loss in two weeks. Why in the world had I not been jumping for joy last Wednesday when I lost 4 pounds? I reported my weight to Julie… But where was the celebration for those first four pounds? That’s when I realized that I was drowning in the numbers. I was doing really good with weighing every day, but I wasn’t actually paying attention to the weeks losses. I missed out on the celebration.

So my official weigh-in was today.  The 254.6 was my highest weight in the last couple months and it coincided with when everything just clicked for me and I was ready to do this. (I have been gearing up for the last month, but was still resistant to a couple different aspects of this journey, maybe seeing 254.6 was my wake up call.) So today, my official weigh-in was 246.8     That is a loss of 7.8 pounds, just since  my eyes were opened two weeks back. If I want to be technical when I take from my highest weight of roughly 330 pounds, that means I have lost 83.2 pounds.

Let’s celebrate! (So do I get to re-celebrate 100 pounds gone when I get to 230 pounds?)

I was very resistant to giving up my sweet treats at night. I want to live life! I don’t want to live a life deprivation and restriction. I knew that there had to be a happy medium I just had to find it. I’m not saying that I have found the magic solution, but the last week or two I haven’t been as drawn to the sweet treats. Last week we had rice crispy treats that I had made. I’m not going to say that I didn’t have any. I had one or two small pieces. On the weekend I made a cake and I did have a piece every night. This past week I made cookies. I ate one. One cookie. (It helped that it was one of my least favorite cookies!) I have indulged the sweet tooth almost every night this week though. Every night, I have eaten a banana… With leftover chocolate icing on top. I think I just heard the gasp from people reading this post. Yes, I actually ate sugar and sugar is bad people will say.  But remember, I’m not aiming for the perfect diet with no sugar, or no fat, or no carb,  or high-protein or whatever whatever the perfect diet may be. I am aiming for balance. I am aiming for choices that I can live with.  I am aiming for choices that I can be happy with for long-term. Balance for me this week was eating something healthy like a banana instead of the cake. A banana and icing was a much healthier choice that cake with icing. Balance while living life. That sounds like a victory to me!

Last Friday I talked about the drama surrounding my work luncheon that I was choosing to not participating. Once a few people figured out that the drama that was created by some people, was in actuality the exact opposite of what my intentions were some people changed and tried to get me to participate. I was question pretty heavily on Friday about why I wasn’t participating. OK, They were grilling me about why I was not participating. They were friendly about it, But they would not accept my simple answer of I just am choosing to not participate. So, I admitted to my team…or at least to the four people that were present, that I’m not happy with my weight and I am really working on it and that I did not want all of the excess calories that a catered luncheon would carry.  They question me a little bit more about my newfound efforts and where I’ve been and where I’m going. They were trying to pass out sweet treats on Tuesday and when one of the girls came to my desk to give me something.  I said no thanks… She laughed and said oh that’s right I forgot, I’m sorry! So number one, it is good because some of the people will stop pushing food on me. But even more importantly, I have people watching now. My first response last weekend when I thought about how I admitted where I’m at and what I’m doing what is that, “holy moly… they know now and if I don’t lose the weight the whole world will know that I failed.”  I couldn’t take back the words of course but in a way, having that fear and not wanting to fail has made me redouble my efforts and keep me focused. Sometimes it’s so hard to admit to people that we want to lose weight and that we want to change. So we keep it a secret because it safe. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but maybe, just maybe sharing the journey will help keep us on track. (And let’s be honest, I don’t know one person that is overweight, obese really, that wants to be that way. So sharing the desire shouldn’t be scary. Anyone that looks at me can see the overweight girl and can already see that I failed… ) 

A few weeks back when I was revamping a couple things on this site, I took off the weight-loss progress page.  Honestly, I hadn’t updated it in a long time. And furthermore it’s embarrassing. In recent years there’s a lot of attempts and a lot of failures and that’s embarrasseing. However, with the epiphanies I had this week… Drowning in the numbers of my daily weigh ins, and see how the open honesty and accountability helped me, I decided to put it back on the site. I had a momentary thought of going back through my Weight tracking apps and trying to re-create the last 2 years since I last updated that page. Instead, I decided to put a few highlight weigh ins.  For most of the time, I stayed relatively close in my weight… Fluctuating maybe 5 pounds. So, I basically just notated that, and I did put in one or two events or weights that I specifically recall or saw my weight change drastically. One of those was in November when my dad died I gained 20 pounds in two weeks… If I want to be honest I gained it in one week. And since that time, I have been fluctuating within 5 pounds of that higher weight. (Until this week… I actually have started to move lower… Hip hip hooray.) So I have kind of updated the last two years, but I’m not going to go into depth on the actual nitty-gritty week to week weigh in results. While I do weigh in every day, the page will only be updated once...maybe twice a week (most likely for the official weigh in and the unofficial official Wednesday weigh in.). I am working to go back through my files and find pictures of myself to place within the page showing myself at the various weights.  I may also work on some graph...but that’s all yet still to come.

I’m feeling very strong and powerful in my emotions about this journey. I’m feeling very strong about my effort from the past two or three weeks and Strong in regards to my future weight-loss efforts. 

Trust the plan

For the last week or two I have actually been feeling very positive about where I am with my eating, where I am with my exercise and where I’m going with my weight loss journey. I’m feeling stronger, more empowered and honestly more capable of once again completing this task of losing weight. So it came as a complete shock to me during the last week to be paralyzed with fear.

Let me backtrack, the plan that I am currently working with for my weight-loss efforts involves a balancing act. I’m not giving up anything… I’m balancing. I know for me right now deprivation is not going to work. So I’ve devised a plan that actually is working for me. Slowly, but surely. Honestly it really is a fine line. I am still eating a sweet treat most nights. This could blow up in my face really really quickly and easily. I have tried to set up a check system so that I don’t eat the sweet treats when I shouldn’t, but it really is a crapshoot. Why am I willing to take this risk? I think the biggest reason is because for me it gives normalcy. Normal is what I’m striving for. I don’t want to live a life where I’m constantly stressed about my food choices.  And let’s face it, for the first time in a long time I am excited about this journey.

Enter the fear. It started last week, the one day that I did not earn my steps but still ate the sweet treat. I laid in bed that night wailing and gnashing my teeth in fear that I had gained weight from my little bobble. OK, maybe that was a little melodramatic… A lot melodramatic! But in all seriousness, I was worried. I was starting to see movement on the scales in the right direction and I didn’t want to upset that progress. It turned out OK though. (In fairness I didn’t totally go off track and I got right back on track the next day.)

On Monday I wrote about the weekend  I wrote about my hunger on Sunday that lingered into Monday causing my calorie counts to go a little bit higher than I wanted them to be. Enter the fear. I worried! I really worried.

On Tuesday morning I stepped on the scale for a little check of my weight. I looked down and saw the number and let out a sigh of disgust. On one hand, I was happy because it was a maintain from a week earlier. But on the other hand I was disgusted because it was a maintain for the week and a gain for the weekend.  What happened to all of my effort from the previous week. There was nothing I could do other than move forward. I had already figured out why I was so hungry those days and in doing so had pinpointed the problem, which means I know how to correct it for the future. There really was nothing else I could do but move forward.

I moved through my Tuesday with a smile on my face. And while I ate my sweet treat, I wasn’t worried about it because I had met the criteria that I had set aside a couple weeks back for eating a sweet treat at night. In the back of my mind I wondered if I wasn’t a bit dehydrated though, I drank  the same amount of liquid at work… But almost immediately I had to pee constantly. In my experience whenever I start drinking after being dehydrated I pee a lot to get rid of the water that I was retaining. I refused to think about it deeply and just kept moving forward.

Wednesday dawned and a new day, a new chance to step on the scale. I was so relieved to see the lower number on the scales this morning.. My effort from last week is back! Hallelujah! While I was in the shower one thought kept going through my head… Trust the plan.

Trust the plan? If you have a solid plan in place for weight loss, the wait is going to come off. A slight aberration in the plan is not going to derail you. Trust the plan.

On Monday night I set out running clothes and set my alarm for 30 minutes earlier. I must’ve been insane! But, when that alarm went off I rolled out of bed through all my clothes and headed outside for a run. I got out there and it was misting… Not a full rain thank heavens. I didn’t let that mist stop me. I ran anyway! I was wearing my glasses, and they fogged up something horrible. I push them up on my head and kept running. I did it!



About the glasses… Yes I’m pretty blind without them. I was able to see and stay on the sidewalk and when I had to cross the road I could see that there were no cars there for sure. So in that regard I was safe. However if there was some stalker or person out to do me harm hiding behind a tree… I wouldn’t have seen them. For example as I approached a street corner I saw what looked like a tree or somethingand then the tree moved. A quick flip down at my glasses revealed that it was a person walking their dog that had stopped to let the dog do their business. Yeah that’s how my run went. Never a dull moment. 

Luckily my work break walks were serene!!

It’s hump day today… And today, I’m just trusting my plan.

Shock awe and disbelief

I looked! I looked again!  No, it couldn’t be. I stepped off. I turned to walk away. I looked back to read the display One more. Did the scales really say that?

My Boomerang weight or a couple years was right around 238 to 240  pounds. I would lose a few I would gain a few, but right within that range was where I stayed for years. Last year in August I switched jobs. I started walking on my lunch breaks and eating a piece of fruit while I walked. I was still eating candy and snacks but I started to slowly lose weight. Ever so slowly, but I was dropping. With no exercise I was OK with slow and steady. By the end of October to early November I was down about 6- 8 pounds.  Like I said, I was happy. And then life happened. I totally lost control. In a very short time frame, I not only regained those 8 pounds but added another 8 to 10 pounds to my weight. Why yes, I gained just about 20 pounds in less than a month. How embarrassing is that?

I started the year 2018 at 247.2 pounds. I made a vow that that would change. January was kind of trial and error and sadly enough while I showed losses on the scale through the month it was a seesaw on the scales.  So January ended and I was exactly the same as I was at the beginning. Enter February!  I renewed my motivation and vowed to attack it again.  My first Wednesday weigh in showed a 1.6 pound loss with my weight being 245.6.   That was happy news. So I kept doing the same thing I did that previous week. I stuck with the granola bar for breakfast, the fruit and vegetables for lunch along with either pretzels or a 100 calorie pack and for dinner I ate whatever I wanted ...with in reason. Dinner was anything from pizza, subs, chicken tenders.  Whatever. No deprivation… I still ate my sweet treat on the weekends and while I tracked, it was not something I did as a militant regime… But rather something that I did just to have a guideline of what I was eating.

It worked, even better on week two. When I kept looking at the scale this morning and when I turned back to look at the readout one more time, I did it in shock,  happiness and disbelief. 240 pounds. That is a loss of 5.6 pounds for the past week and brings my total loss for the year (February really) to a grand total of 7.2 pounds.

I am back to the boomerang weight!   I’m not sitting way far above it anymore!   Now to squash that weight and see the boomerang weight for the last time ever!

I’m actually a little afraid to get back on the scales because of the disbelief.

Finally! Finally, I may have found the magic equation for me to lose weight at this time and point in my life. What worked before stopped working and I was beating my head against the wall getting nowhere. It wasn’t until I sat back and said I want this and I’m willing to change my methods that I started seeing results.  I had to stop feeling sorry and make the changes necessary!

Furthermore this is once again proof positive that weight is lost in the kitchen and not the gym. Yes I am still climbing the stairs at work… But I’m not doing anything else other than some random walks. It is so bad that it is considered a good day if I make it to 5000 steps on my fit bit. Yet I lost!

I know as I add exercise back in once my life settles down that it will Paul’s an adjustment to my eating again. But I’ve got this!

Rock on

A loss!!!!  I am showing a loss this week!  I'm still within that dreaded 3 pound black hole...but at the bottom end if the range!    I'm determined to stay on track this upcoming week and blow myself right out if that hellish out that I've been stuck in!!!!

Surprisingly, I've been eating quite nicely!!!!  I've managed eating out.  I've navigated evenings alone where I subconsciously binge eat.  I've made my food choices in the morning, and I've stuck with them!!!     I was all proud of myself the morning as I planed because I had extra calories.  I get to work and low and behind snacks were there.  It was a recipe that I've been wanting to try myself....so luckily I have the calories.  I'm holding off for my treat until after my lunch.  If I eat at 12 or 12:30 I can have my treat at 1...and then I only have to resist a second piece for one hour until I leave!   Ahhhhhh I've got my plan!!!!!

I'm planning to run this afternoon with a friend.   I've got to get back to running religiously.   I want the runners high.  I want the runners body.  I want the better stats when I run!!!!!  There is only one way to get those things....get out and run!!!  (And bike.....and Zumba)

Baby steps!

Well...the scales are slowly inching down this week. I like it this way. Sometimes when you get on the scales every day and there is not movement...no matter what you are doing it gets a bit disconcerting. This week however, each day I can see a little improvement in what the scales are saying. Yeah, I'd love for there to be a huge drop...but in my experience, those huge drops sometimes don't stay that way....the little inching stuff usually stays off!

I've been trying to watch very closely to what I'm eating. We are going out to Corsi's tonight...and i'm planning a low point lunch for me. I am saving many more points than I actually need for dinner...because I don't want to blow it anywhere. I'm also trying to watch my points more closely because I'm still not up to par with my exercising...what with my foot and all. So really my weight loss this week will mostly be attributed to straight up healthy eating! I know that 2.4 would be almost a miracle for me to lose this week... ( of course, this morning I was 201.0). I would be tickled to get into onederland. However, I'm not going to be disappointed if I don't get there. AND I'm not going back up if I don't. I've gotten back on the bandwagon...renewed my thoughts and processes. I'm being more anal about journalling EVERYTHING that I eat! I was getting lazy and journalling only ALMOST everything. That is not going to get me anywhere in this journey! Total honesty is the only thing that will help/allow me to reach my goal! I'm so close. My target weight range for weight watchers is 151-158 pounds. So we are talking 43 pounds until I'm within my weight range! That is SOOO doable! I mean...heck, I've done about that since I started weight watchers alone!!!!! Not to mention all that I lost before weight watchers! I've been saying 50 more to go...but 43 sounds oh so much more closer!!!

Very Exciting!

I am very excited! I went to my weigh in last night. I weighed in at 3.8 pounds down! Yeppers! That makes a total of 13.2 pounds gone in three weeks. Even better, I started my period this morning. I usually weigh in a bit higher right before that! Soooo, I'm trying not to be too optimistic but it is very hard not to!