The Zap Zap: Retina Tear Laser Surgery

 I survived the zap zap of my eye ball!  I was absolutely terrified!  I know that so many people have had laser surgeries and corrections done on their eyes, but it still terrified me!  One slip of the zap zap and well…..

I am writing this all down so that the next time should it happen I know what to expect and remember the experience.  Hey,  the retinas are thinning so it will most likely happen again.

The Consultation

First of all, the doctor’s office that I am going to is insane.   They treat the patients kindly, but like cattle.   Literally!   There is one doctor in the office each day.   So you wouldn’t expect to have a ton of people waiting, yet there are probably 30 people waiting….I kid you not! Standing room only at various points during my consultation.  You sit for at least 30-45 minutes before they first called me back.  They led me to a machine in the hall where they took the scans of my eyes.   Then they ushered me back to the waiting room where I sat crowded together with 29 of my new besties!  And you then wait again….until they call you back…for the next step in the exam.  And then back to the waiting room you go.   When I called the other people waiting my besties, I kid you not….we were all talking to each other….it didn’t matter if you knew someone or not, we were all in the same boat.  Back and forth to an office to get the next step of your exam done and then back to the waiting room.  Finally about 2-3 hours after my appointment time I got called back and placed into a different office.  And I finally got to see the doctor…..for about 5 minutes.   

 

This doctor is highly recommended. Supposedly one of the best in the area.  But there is no bedside manner whatsoever.  He never really even spoke directly to me other than to tell me to look up…look right…look left.  Etc.  At the end of his short exam he vaguely said ‘you have to holes in your retina, set up an appointment for in two weeks’     I’m not even sure if the comment was made to me or the nurse in the room.   I did jump in and ask ‘what restrictions in terms of driving and work for after the appointment’.   ‘No restrictions ‘ was added that the procedure would be mere minutes and my vision would be  dark for a minute or two and then I would be back to normal.   When I said ‘oh shucks I was hoping to get off of work’ he did laugh and say ‘I can write you a note to get off work if you want the time off’   I passed because I’m not wasting my PTO time on something like that.    But that was the extent of my ‘consultation’  I know about the thinning retina and the pre-glaucoma because he told the nurse in the room to notate it on my chart while I was there.   That’s it…nothing else.   I verified with the receptionist on the way out that I could definitely drive after the procedure and had no restrictions and should only be about an hour long.  I set up the appointment and I walked out a bit in shock with an appointment for two weeks out.  I actually called in a few days before the procedure to triple check that there were no restrictions.

The day of the appointment  

I was one of the first people to have an appointment, so I hoped it would be a faster visit.  I will start by saying that it was only an hour…but I did make the back and forth to the waiting room once or twice as they dilated my eyes and numbed my eyeball.  

The final room where the procedure was done was dimly lit. The doctor walked in and he asked me to tell him what I was there for.  I laughed and said , I sure hope you know!’  But he did say ‘in your words’  so I flat out said, you are going to zap zap my eye balls.  He said ‘perfect description.  I also asked him if he had been out drinking and carousing the night before, cuz I needed a steady hand.  He chuckled and said he felt pretty good that day.  And then it started…

The Laser Procedure 

The doctor moved into positio what looked like a little cup (now don't take my word, I got a quick glance at it as he moved into position).  He used that to look into my eye.  It was a bright white light.  I immediately relaxed.  He was just looking at that point.  But then the white light changed to green lines that were flashing.  They flashed and flashed.  It started to get uncomfortable.  Yes I could feel it on my eyeball.  It was hurting and I started to wonder how much longer I could take.  Cuz seriously, it was not feeling good.  And then it stopped.  It was the longest 5 minutes of my life…..even though it was probably only seconds! (I wasn’t timing but realistically I KNOW it was probably no longer than 20-30 seconds…it just felt like forever.)  I wasn’t timing but I was  so relieved to be done!  

Then he looked at my chart and was like, ok let’s work on the second one.  Yes, I had to go through it again because I had not one tear but two!  Same thing.  White light and then the green laser flashes.  Another 10 minutes (felt like it….but once again probably only seconds) of laser flashes zapping my eyeballs and it was done.

I made the remark at that point that ‘well that was enough to give you a headache’  and he responded with, yeah we didn’t want to tell you to scare you.   What???

The doctor ran this wand over my closed eye lid (I asked, ultrasound to check the position of the floaters in my eye) which took all of 10 seconds (seriously…seconds) and he was prepared to leave the room.  He said ‘make an appointment in 4-6 months for a check.  (From talking in the waiting room I had already ascertained that following a retina tear and subsequent correction that it usually entails 6 months checks for further tears)  And that was it.

The Aftermath

The dimness only lasted maybe thirty seconds, not even enough to really register in my brain, plus they had the room so dim that it wasn't very obvious.  By the time I got up from the chair and made my way to the front reception desk to make my follow-up appointment there was no dimness at all.  The appointment was quickly made and I was out the door at almost exactly the hour mark.

I broke down and sobbed as soon as I walked out the door.  Sobbing as I made my way across the parking lot and into my car.   It was over, and I had survived with my eyesight intact.  I wiped my tears (the tears were washing the yellow dilation solution out so my tears in that eye were yellow) and got myself under control.  It was time to start my day.   

Except that I could feel my eyeball.  

I could feel every bone in my face around my eye.

My eye was dilated to the max, making things blurry in that one eye.  (And making me look higher than a kite).

Yeah, recovery wasn't 'bad'.  I wasn't in pain.  But it felt as if I had taken a punch in the face, right in the eyeball.   A punch that caused my eye to hurt.....and my cheekbone to hurt....and whatnot.  I felt like I got decked.  I felt like I was back after my accident on the bicycle where I landed on my face.  The aftermath of that accident felt exactly the same as this procedure.  However, after that accident, I was black and blue ......there was no evidence of anything like that after this procedure.

I was just tired and ready to call it a day and sleep off the ache in my face that first day.  However, I made it through the work day and managed to be productive (even with a blurry eye....because that dilation lasted about 6-7 hours).  

 Day two was much better.  When I woke up I noticed almost immediately that moving my eyeball to the extreme (like rolling my eyes, or looking out of the corner of my eye) hurt.  It also hurt to touch my eyelid or even around my eye.  And my eye just felt heavy and tired, if that makes any sense.

Day three I was almost better, just felt a bit of heaviness in my eye.  Not pain, not uncomfortable like the two previous days, I just felt it and was aware that my eye was there.    

By day four I was back to normal.

Conclusion 

I wish my doctor had given me some kind of paperwork so I knew what to expect.  Was that normal to feel like you ran into a fist?  Should my eye be that sensitive to touch?  I have no clue if it was normal.  Sure I went to "Doc Google" but that was just more confusing as I saw that many times there were restrictions for a week afterward.  Things like bending over, lifting heavy things, etc.  A lot of the sites also included the fact that antibiotic drops would probably be prescribed to protect during healing?   Hmmmmm  I wish there had been more direct and clear communication.

I know that the odds of me having to have another procedure are pretty high.  Will I stay with this doctor?  If he is the best to complete the procedure?   Probably, I want the best because we only get one set of eyes.  But I will freely admit that I have thought about researching and switching doctors to someone that is a bit more 'user friendly'.  Someone that will take the time to actually talk about it, a place that doesn't treat you like cattle, and someone that actually takes the time to print a simple page of aftercare instructions/FAQ's.  But a switch remains to be seen.

Will I take off the full day after the appointment?  I'm torn on that.   At times I say, 'absolutely'!  Simply because I was still dilated to the max (my coworkers kept coming up to me to laugh at my one dilated eye....ok and to check on me.) and while normal activity was not noticable with one blurry eye, working on the computer was tough.   But even that is not the reason.  The reason I sometimes say I would take the day off is just that tiredness from my face aching!  It got to me!     But that said, do I want to waste a PTO day to sit at home with an aching face?  Probably not, not when I have proven that I can still be productive at work after the procedure.   So really it just boils down to what I"m feeling at the time.    

Consumed

 How are we already 18 days into the new year?  I feel like the year just started and yet here we are. Other than my eyeballs, it's been a normal couple weeks, but it just feels like it's flying by.  That could be because I am busy with life.  But maybe, it is because I am consumed!

Weight Loss

You know, this blog is about weight loss, so I guess I should start with that.  I lost another pound this week at my official weigh in.  (Go me!)  At my current weight I know that with effort it SHOULD be a lot more than that.  But I am chalking up the singular pound to two things.   Number one, I am in my 50's.  And dang if it's not more difficult to lose weight in your 50's!  But the real reason is reason number two which is, I am not tracking calories.  I am not doing anything 'diet' related.  Nope not one single thing.  Nada.  

Ok, maybe one or two little things now that I think about it, technically.  But then again...technically not.   Ok, let me share what I AM doing and you can decide.    

* I am tracking my food.  On paper.  No fancy weight loss apps.  No calories.  No nuttin'! Every day in my day planner I am simply writing down what I eat.  For example: Breakfast - Special K cereal with milk, Lunch - PB & J, applesauce, banana, Dinner- Roast beef with potatoes and carrots.    I am not measuring how much, I am just indicating what I ate. The only exception is one day when I had some cheese puffs with a sandwich and I wrote beside it 'too many'.  Other than that, I am simply keeping track of what I am eating.

* I am weighing myself.   Officially it is weekly, but I admit to stepping on the scales randomly throughout the week.

* I am trying to be more cognizant of what I am eating in terms of nutrition, such as adding more fruits and veggies.  I am limiting my sweet treat to once on a weekend. (Holy cow did that Dairy Queen Blizzard taste good last night!)   And I am trying to focus on how I am feeling versus eating more food simply because it tastes good or eating simply because the clock says it's a mealtime.  

It's slow.  But I think it's healthier for my mind at this point.  I just celebrated my 20th year of writing on here.  That is 20 years of struggling with my weight.  That is 20 years of tracking calories and trying to limit and restrict food.  It's been 20 years of forgetting who I am and living and breathing weight loss.  It's time for something different.  It's time to get in my head and rewire my brain.

Exercise

I have been slow to start anything really in depth in terms of exercise.  I did start my flexibility and mobility class.  I like the class but have issues with it.

Likes:

    *  I love the 15 minutes of stretching at the end.  She starts us at the top of our body and moves down our body one stretch at a time.  Feels fantastic.

   * Instructor is incredibly friendly.

   * Local small business

Dislikes:

    * Even knowing that I have arthritis in my knees it is very heavy on squats and lunges.  Which don't get me wrong, those things are fantastic and needed.  But my knee twinges after the class and while I am pushing through, I do wonder how long before my knees erupt. Ok ok ok, maybe erupt is a bit dramatic, but I do wonder how long before my knees decide that the period of slight twinges is over and it's time to really scream at me.   I am continuing in the hopes that the benefits of the squats and lunges show up before the knee pain screams!  (It really is a balancing act as I know that squats and lunges will strengthen the muscles which will help support the knee.......etc etc etc)

   *  It's class form but one night a week it is only myself and the instructor.  And the other night it is only myself, the instructor and one other person.  I thrive on the social aspect of a class.

   *I'm a little disconcerted that they (instructor and other class member) are huffing and puffing. Sweating, panting and breathing hard through the class. She keeps asking me if I am sore.....Nope.  Not at all! (other than my knee twinge which I mentioned).   But yeah, I'm disconcerted with their heavy breathing and sweating while I am literally feeling like it's a stroll in the park.  Am I in better shape than I thought? (Maybe I am still feeling the positive effects of that 75 day hard that I did in early 2025).  I even looked at my stats to see how I was handling the class!  

 Sure my heart rate is elevated but looking at my Garmin stats, no more than it is during my morning dog walk!

Or this day where there really is no discernible spike for the class at 6PM. Although looking at the chart  I am trying to figure out why I spiked high heart rates throughout the day. (And the time that is blank is because I had to remove my watch when I took my notary exam....no watches, phones purses, ANYTHING could be on me. I literally could only have my ID in my pocket and my car key) 

Zap Zap of the Eyeball and General Life

I have my laser surgery to fix the holes in my retina on Thursday.  I'm still terrified, but it's not like I have any choice in the matter.  Uncorrected the holes may enlarge and eventually cause retina detachment.  That could adversely affect my eyesight.  Losing my vision terrifies me even more, so laser surgery it is.

I have received all of my required documents for my notary commission. So some day this upcoming week (most likely after the zap zap of my eyeball on Thursday) I will go to be sworn in and then stop at another office to register my signature.  It makes sense to do it that day as I will be going to work late that day due to the zap zap appointment and thus the offices that I need will be open to allow me to get these things done.   

Consumed by my Miniature Dollhouses

Maybe it's a good thing that I am consumed by my dollhouse/miniature stuff.  Otherwise, I would be a wreck about the zap zap appointment.   

Maybe it's a good thing that I am consumed by my dollhouse/miniature stuff.  Otherwise, I would be more focused on food.

Maybe it's a good thing that I ........  oh well you get it!

Yes, I am consumed.  I think about my projects constantly.  What am I currently building.  What am I planning on building.  What do I need to buy.  What do I need to make.  What can I add.  This mansion that I am planning to build is a HUGE project.  I am referring to it as my grand opus.  There are a TON of rooms and I'm not making them tiny.  (Some dollhouses really condense things, I am condensing somewhat but not a whole lot!)  It's fun....and being consumed isn't a bad thing.

Being consumed allows me to occupy my mind in a healthy way. Being consumed allows me to take that focus away from my weight loss journey. The mind consuming  dollhouse/miniatures help me fill the void left when I remove the utter focus on weight loss as I work to retrain my mind.   It allows me to not think and focus about those things that make me sad and depressed in life.  It gives me a healthy creative outlet for my time. (I have always been one that is happiest when I am doing something creative....writing, quilting, crocheting, etc)  And seriously, it's just fun!  I just sit and giggle with glee when I make something or finally put something together to make a scene.  Just the other day I made a runner sled...this is the prototype, I plan on making another one with a few things 'corrected' in the next day or two!  So yeah, consumed!

Life is marching on, fast.  And for the time being, I'm doing ok.   

 

Here's to week two of the new year!

This has been a crazy week.  I knew it was going to be thus, but I didn't realize exactly how crazy it was going to be. I actually wrote about the crazy week here.  No worries though, just busy.  What I didn't account for was one coworker being out sick ALL WEEK LONG and another one being out for one day.  Yikes.  I didn't expect to get hit with some tough news.  It has been crazier than I expected, and I still have Friday to make it through.  But lets get into it.....ohhh and on Thursdays my friend and I are sharing our weigh ins for accountability, so I will share with you how I did this first week of the new year.  So without further ado, lets get into it!

Retina Specialist 

During my normal visit to the optometrist to get new glasses, they told me that I may have a hole in my retina.   I felt confident that all was going to go well.  The optometrist had made the comment that he thought it was a pigment spot and nothing else, but to go to the specialist to be sure.  So on Monday I left work early and went to the specialist.   Numerous tests and two hours later and I was reeling.  

Not only do I have one hole in my retina, I have two.   Furthermore, I have thinning of the retina and he talked about me being per-glaucoma!   He skirted the last two things and said that we will deal with them later, the pressing thing now is the holes in my retina.  They want to fix them before they get worse.  So before I left I scheduled an appointment to get my holes fixed through laser.  Yes, what I had been told by my optometrist was correct, they are going to use a laser to zap the holes and that will fuse the holes shut.  After that, I guess we will start to worry about the other issues.

I got home from the appointment and rolled right into making dinner as it was a bit after 6PM by that point.  I ate dinner and I felt like a zombie.   I couldn't really even function.  I fell asleep in the living room by 7pm.  Jason woke me up for me to move to the bedroom, but otherwise, I slept through to the alarm.   Honestly, I think I was in shock at my news.

I woke up the next morning and felt better and decided to tackle my news by doing a little Dr. Google.     I wanted to know what caused these issues.  What is the treatment for the thinning retina.  I mean, what is happening.  I didn't make it far before I just lost it.   Tears and distress.  (Seriously, I can see the stages of grief/acceptance/whatever you want to call it, clear as day.)  I stopped and just tried to hold myself together as I prepared to go to work.  Yeah, I lost it when my coworkers asked about my results.  Oh well, at least I tried to hold it together.

By later that day I had accepted it (I'm still terrified about the laser thing..but oh well).    And I have actually been able to joke about it quite a bit.  I mean I asked a coworker for help and when she showed me something that was right in front of my face I just looked at her and said "It's my traitorous eyeballs you know".     I also have put the appointment in my work calendar as "zap zap of the eyeball".   So I'm doing ok, not exactly happy and not exactly looking forward to it all, but ok with it.

 

Soul Fusion Foundations

Even  with my trauma and messed up eyeballs, I managed to make it to my first to classes of Soul Fusion. (A class that focuses on flexibility, balance and mobility).   I was nervous.  Number one, I was going by myself and knew no one!  Secondly I was afraid that I was going to fail at everything and not be able to do stuff.    But I was pleasantly surprised.  I was able to complete almost everything she did. (There was one stretch that just didn't work for me....I think my stomach was prohibiting the movement).  In fact, maybe 1/4 of the way through she was like "you are doing great, I may try some other stuff.    I feel like I did well.  My legs were a bit like jelly when I left, but overall I was fine and didn't have any real issue with sore muscles.  I am anxious to see if I notice any difference in my mobility in the coming weeks.   

 Notary Exam

Thursday, in the midst of craziness with people off work, I left and went to take my notary exam.  Do you know how many years it's been since I took an official exam/test?   A lot!   So understandably, I was nervous.  I spent some time the night before doing the review and practice test.  I read through my notes in the morning while at work.   And in the  afternoon I went and took the test.   I passed slick as a whistle (I did miss one question and got a 98%) and it only took me ten of the sixty allotted minutes.    So next up I will get a confirmation email, get my bond paperwork and supplies and I can go and be sworn in.  I'm getting closer.

 Weigh In

This first week of the year I have not tracked a single calorie.  I have however written my food into my day planner.  I have tried to drink a decent amount of water (some days I did good others not as good) and I have really tried to avoid or at least seriously limit my sweets.  I have had one or two small pieces of candy (I'm talking ONE miniature Reece's Cup on one or two days).   But overall, I have done well.  And I am happy to say that I dropped 2 pounds.   So I'm on a roll!

One more day until the weekend and I can't wait!!!  Next week should be a bit more 'normal'.  Or should I say the 'new normal' that has me going to an exercise class twice a week.  :-)   But mostly normal.  The zap zap of the eyeball won't come until the following week.  I plan on doing the same routine of tracking my food but not worrying about calories this week and we shall see how that goes!

But here's to week two of the new year 

 

 

 

I"m Lacking in Resolutions

New Years Eve came and went and I have not done any of those typical things that happen at the beginning of the year for people who are serious about losing weight and getting fit.  I haven't done a single solitary thing.  Resolutions?  Nope, I didn't set them.   Write down goals?  Nada.  Not a one.   Did I even write down a word of the year?  Can't say that I did.   Why?  Well, I just didn't feel like it.  But that doesn't mean that I don' have an idea of how I want this year to go.

Theme of the Year

I have chosen words of the year previously.  I have even broken it down to words of the month and words of the week.  I love love love the concept.  But I didn't do it this year.  But that said, I have an idea of what my year theme is.  My theme is rebirth and recovery.  I have been struggling with a lot lately.  I've struggled with depression and an overwhelming sadness.  Along with that comes the anxiety and lack of self worth.  All of it goes hand in hand together and it is perfectly matched with my weight loss efforts.  To recover my physical health, I need to fix myself internally.  That is my theme.....recovery.

How am I proposing to do this? 

  First of all, lots of prayer when the anxiousness and depression threatens to overwhelm.   The last few days I have felt some of these feelings and I have prayed for peace and then after my prayer I mentally force myself to walk away from the overwhelming feelings.  Sure, the feelings came back....but my theory is that it will take them longer and longer to come back each time.

Secondly, I am putting myself first.  I am signing up for my exercise class.  I know that it will inconvenience our home life.  I won't be getting home until around 7:15-7:30 each night.  That's late for someone that has an alarm that goes off at 5AM.   Dinners will have to be pre-planned and prepared well in advance, utilizing the crock pot, the insta-pot and the use of casseroles that can be popped into the oven when Jason gets home to be ready for my arrival.    As inconveniencing as it is, I can't continue to ignore myself and run myself ragged in an effort to take care of everyone else.  It's not that I don't want to take care of Jason anymore, I just know that I have to take care of myself first. (In taking care of myself I will be better equipped to take care of Jason).   But the most important thing is that I am putting myself first because even though I don't always believe it, I know that I am worth every ounce of effort I put into myself. 

Third, I am focusing on things that make me happy.   Last year I read 200 books, yes exactly 200.  It was a day or two before the new year and I saw that I was at 199 and I  knew that I didn't want to leave it at 199....so I made sure to finish the book that I was reading before midnight on New Years Eve.   I love to read and it does make me happy.  So I will be continuing to read. But I will also be doing crafty things.  I love the creativity involved in making quilts (yes I know I still need to take a picture of my memory quilt) and in doing my dollhouse/miniatures.  So I will be focusing on that.  It makes me happy and it reminds me of who I really am!

Weight Loss

I haven't set any main goals for the year.  I am not vowing to lose such and such amount of pounds. I didn't set a resolution to keep my calorie count at a specific number or below.  Same with water and exercise.  I have no set goals.

However, I WILL be working on my weight loss and fitness journey.  I have not been calorie counting.  I've done that for over 20 years.  I'm weary of that.  What I am doing instead is writing down my food.  I am just not adding a number to it in terms of calories and points.  Writing it down as of right now has been sufficient enough make me cognizant of what I am eating, which is the trick for me. (Remember I've had had 20 years of tracking so I kinda know WHAT I need to do even without the numbers attached to each piece of food I put into my mouth).   On Friday at work I did have a Reece's Cup.  It was a miniature and I only had one!  I WANTED more, but I kept it at one.  I knew I had to write it down and I didn't want to write down any more than one!     This may have to be adjusted in a few months or maybe even next week.  But for right now I am trying to focus on eating intrinsically with the reminder (call it a check and balance)  that I have to write it down when it's all said and done.  

 Fitness

As I have said a few times, I have this new exercise class that focuses on flexibility and mobility.   I will be continuing to walk the dog in the mornings (brrr it's so darn cold walking her at 6AM).   I plan on starting some cardio form of exercise within a week or two.  I dread it, because for me to do it I will be exercising at 5AM while Jason is in the shower.  (I hate hate hate doing it that early....but anything else and it won't get done!).   And that's it.......I plan on exercising.  No set number of times....just plan on kicking back in...hopefully the week of the 12th (unless this new class kicks my behind so much that I delay it a bit to get into that routine!)

Finances

I have been really enjoying working on my dollhouse and miniatures.  It has been costing me some money.  That is OK, I have spending money allotted in my budget.  But I can see how this could be an issue if I keep spending at the rate that I have been spending.   I also have been not saying no when my co-workers ask if I want to order out for lunch....which turns out to be between 10-20 dollars each time!  Ohhh yeah, and there are those days that I am on my way to work and decide that a breakfast sandwich (and tater tots and a drink) would be fabulous.  That ends up being about $10.  I have been able to add to my savings and I'm happy with how that account is looking and how it is growing. But I know that if I want it to keep growing something has to give.  I can't keep eating out all the time and buy miniatures and the supplies I need to make miniatures.  One has to go.  I have decided that the eating out has to be curtailed.  So I will be declining most if not all of the meals out in conjunction to work.  The added bonus?   Think of all those calories saved!  

Speaking of miniatures, I will share some pics of the miniature projects here at some point, but lately I have been doing the not so exciting things like building walls, painting, planning....and just not picture friendly things like making a spiral staircase that isn't installed yet so it looks not as fun.   

 

20 Year Blogiversary

 This post is utterly embarrassing to write.   Seriously, it's a hard one for me.   Because you see, it is my 20 year anniversary of writing my thoughts and feelings as they pertain to my weight loss efforts with a little life thrown in there.  

20 years is a long time.   I have been writing on here longer than my youngest nephew has been alive.  (Nope, I didn't commemorate his arrival in any post.....I just checked.).  I have been writing on here longer than I have known Jason, a lot longer than I have known Jason.   (I wrote about meeting a 'friend' in November of 2025 here,  that friend as Jason.).  I have written on here through a divorce.  (I finally came clean about the failure of my marriage here.).  And of course I wrote about my marriage to Jason. (We had so much fun keeping it a secret and then surprising everyone.).  Vacations, I've written about them.  Sickness, yup wrote about that too.  Loss of parents, sadly we have covered that one also.  A lot of happened in 20 years and I've been writing about it.   Seriously, I have written a long time!  20 years.  

So why am I embarrassed?   20 years of writing should be something to be proud of.  But it's not because it's not all victorious.  I feel like a failure.   Because of where I am now.

I started out writing when I was was morbidly obese.

 In those early years I lost a lot of weight.  I was so victorious and I felt so amazing!

 And then I struggled.  For years upon years I have struggled with my weight. Lose a little, gain a little and then sometimes gain a little more.   And here I am , finding myself morbidly obese AGAIN. 

 Utterly embarrassing!!!!

 My last bit of embarrassment is the fact that I was planning this post for January 6th, the date of my blogiversary.   I even wrote about the date in my last post.   So imagine my surprise and shame when I decided to verify the date and realized that my blogiversary was actually January 5th.  This forgetfulness and floating anniversary has been an ongoing issue as evidenced by my anniversary post from last year which talked about all my anniversary posts over the years and highlighted the various days I celebrated.   But hey, I figured it out in time to actually post on the correct day this year.  That's a plus!

 I am still here thought.  I've not given up.  I am determined to make year 21 on this blog another one of victory.  I have done it before, I can do it again!

 

So some fun stats:

Number of Posts:  2713 

Comments: 12231 Comments 

Views:  4.5 Million (not bad for my little online journal to chronicle my weight loss efforts) 

Year  with the most posts:  2008 (334 posts)

Year with the least posts:  2022 (41 posts)  

 

Busy week

 I am gearing up for a busy week!  Yeah, I know that I am just finishing up this holiday week, but I am looking forward to this next week and it's gonna be a busy one!

 

Retina Specialist

A few weeks ago I went to the eye doctor for my normal yearly appointment and new glasses.   I was happy (not that it really mattered) that my vision didn't change much.  My prescription was mostly the same.  I got myself some new specs which I really like.  Ok, the main reason that I like them is that this new pair does not have the nose pieces and is instead just the plastic frame that rests on my nose.  Why is this important?  Well it's important because if I am reading of on my ipad I usually just push my glasses up on my head and go with my normal vision.  Yeah, I know that I have progressive lenses and that seems counter productive.  But it just works for me.  The eye doctor is aware and actually encouraged me to read without glasses when I can.  All was going splendidly with my appointment until the eye doctor started to make a comment, and he kept going back and saying the same thing before going onto something else, just to circle back around to the same exact comment.  So I knew he was really thinking and grappling with something.   The comment?   "I think that's probably just a pigment spot".    But he kept going back to it to look again and finally he said, "I just can't be 100% sure that this tiny spot is pigment.  It very well could be a pin hole in your retina."   

Say what?  

Yeah, I very well may have a hole in my retina.  A tiny one right now.  But a hole none the less.  And this possible hole requires me to visit a retina specialist.  I did ask them what happens at this point.  A small hole will usually get bigger and can be the start of a detached retina.  (sounds scary).    They couldn't give advice as they were not the specialist but they did say that typically a wee tiny hole would just be repaired with a zap of a laser to fuse the hole.  Zap Zap and it's done.  They said that the tears/holes that go uncorrected and get bigger can have more invasive repairs (a metal buckle in the eye is what they alluded to...yikes!)  The eye doctors words were "I could be wasting your time by sending to a specialist, but on the flip side I could be a hero for catching this so early."   I quickly assured him that I would rather be safe than sorry....especially since I only get one set of eyes.  Sooooooo.... on Monday January 5th, I am heading to a retina specialist for a 2 hour appointment.   I imagine that I should have some idea of what is happening by the end of the appointment. (I HOPE)

 Soul Fusion Foundations

In my last post I wrote about how I had found a beginners exercise class (very small class size) that focuses on mobility and flexibility.   I have made the commitment and I am looking forward to starting.  I know that it will be ugly.  I won't be able to do all the moves because I have slipped that far. But I am anxious to get rolling so that I can start to see improvements!    The first class is Tuesday the 6th after work and the second class is Thursday after work.    Something new and exciting.

Notary

Also this week is my scheduled appointment to take my notary exam.  Yes, I am set to become a notary in the fine state of Pennsylvania.  I have taken the class.  I have submitted my application.  I am just waiting to take the exam and that exam is scheduled for Thursday January 8th in the afternoon.    The course that I went through offers a refresher guide and a practice exam that they recommend that you do the day or two before you take the exam.  So I have to slip that into my week.  

Blog-i-versary

On January 6th  I will celebrate 20 years of writing and sharing my journey on this forum.  Crazy I know!  So I have to write a post commemorating that for sure!

Normal Hum Drum Life

Of course in the midst of all of that craziness I will still be working my normal 40 hours at work (although lately it has been more like 42-45 hours each week).  I will be making dinners each evening, going on a walk with the dog in the morning, and all the other normal stuff.   So yeah, it's gonna be a busy one!  But amidst the crazy is some exciting changes that will be nice in my life! 

This is Not Going to End Well

 A few days ago I as having a conversation and I said "this is not going to end well'. That phrase has been the mantra in my head since then.

The conversation was about my health.  I was talking about the trajectory that I am on.  I am slowly gaining weight.  Now lets be clear, I don't gain weight each day or even each week.  But I will be hanging steady in a 'decade' on the scales (A decade being a 10 pound range).  I'll be in that decade for a few months and then one day I wake up and I am in the next decade.   And sadly, it's not the decade below, it's the next decade up.  So a slow rise.   The weight is not the only issue.  I am slowly losing mobility.  Yeah yeah yeah, I know. I am in my 50's and someone is bound to remind me of that.  But lets be honest.  a 53 year old (because yes, I did just have a birthday) should NOT be struggling to get up off the sofa.  A 53 year old should NOT be reluctant to get down to look in the bottom shelf of the fridge because she knows the struggle to get back up.  A 53 year old should not dread doing laundry because it's down in the basement and doing steps hurts. 

 

 Ok, the steps could be the arthritis in my knees.  But the rest of it......shouldn't be happening!  I've seen this coming at me like a slow moving freight train.  About a year ago I realized that if I knelt on one knee I just COULDN'T get up like I used to.  Getting down on one knee feels choppy and rough and totally not graceful.  But when I'm down there and go to get up I literally know what I need to do.  My brain is literally sending the signals to my muscles (thighs.....core...you name it) but they will NOT move.  It's insane.  Crouching?   Oh my....once again choppy and ugly and I can still do it....kinda.  I can get down and I can get up but on my word it HURTS. Yet I still try to force myself to do it.  But I really have to think about it and force myself to do it.      I see the slip.  I have seen it happening.  I have tried to take extra precautions to stop the downward slide.  I force myself to stand from the couch or a chair without using my hands.....when I remember to not use my hands.  I try to do these things even when I know they will hurt.  But at the most that has slowed the progression, maybe halted it.

But slowing the progression isn't enough.  I need to regain my mobility.

A few years ago I found a small fitness studio near my house.  I honestly think the studio and class size is limited to 6 or 8 (if I remember correctly).  I contacted the owner a few years back.  I actually contacted her before my mobility issues became obvious.  But life was still in the throes of being nuts.  So I never followed through.  A few months ago I saw that she was starting a new class.  Soul Fusion Foundations.  This class was for people that had seen mobility and flexibility diminish....ladies specifically.  I was super interested.  But I was quite literally just starting my job, so I put it on the back burner. 

By back burner, I mean that I totally forgot about it.  Then about a week ago I made that comment "this is not going to end well'.  I made the comment in a couple of different conversations with various people too. I know that I can change the trajectory of this path.  But to change the trajectory, I need to change what I'm doing.  In the midst of those thoughts I was flipping through social media and what should appear (not 8 tiny reindeer) but a post from this small fitness studio.  She is looking for people to join her foundations class and put a post out there.   I contacted her immediately.  It's a bit more money than I would like to spend.  But I am signing up.  Two nights a week for an hour each.  I am going to try to regain my mobility and flexibility. 

I also have a weekly weigh in planned with a friend....to give me accountability. 

The other factor that may play to my favor is this dollhouse project that I talked about in my last post. (You can read that here.)  The miniature world can be pricey.  Even if I make my own stuff, it takes supplies.  I don't want to sacrifice my existing savings account nor do I want to sacrifice the amounts that I am putting into my savings each month.  So that means something has to be adjusted.  Limiting my eating out while at work on on the way to work will help limit wasteful calories!  Win Win!

 

 

 

Time is Marching On

 It seems as if the older I get the faster time goes.  I swear it was only a blink ago and it was the Fourth of July.  Seriously, it feels as if I started my new job yesterday and here we are almost 6 months later.   And Christmas?   How can it almost be Christmas?  Yet, here we are.

 I'm not even going to talk about my weight loss efforts.  Life is ......well life.   That is no excuse, but it's what it is.

I actually mostly enjoy my job.  I still feel like I am a fraud and making it up and doing a really poor job.  I'm human and I know that being a human means that there will be mistakes here and there.  But I still feel like I am a fraud.  I am sure that this is residual damage from the  'manager' that I had at my last job.  (She was a holy terror.....I have written about it here and here.)   But all that said, I can see the reminders that come my way that I am doing just as well as people that have been there for scads longer.   Now just to get my brain to believe it! 

I have been able to finish my memory quilt.  I would go take a picture of it, but it is early while I am writing this and Jason is still in bed, covered by the quilt!    I rolled into some projects for Christmas gifts and then decided to take the plunge and do something I have been absolutely dreaming about for years well bef...what I am calling my grand opus dollhouse.  Seriously, I dreamed up the idea of this grand dollhouse eons ago.  I've sketched, I've plotted and I've dreamed about it.  But that is as far as it went.    And then a few years back I put aside my miniatures.  There were a variety of reasons such as money (we were trying to recover from Jason's accident with the axe where he didn't work for 6 months) and  time (visiting mom multiple times a week took a fair amount of time each week).   Being bluntly honest the bout of depression was overwhelming me.    So in the midst of life, I put aside my dollhouses.    But I never stopped dreaming about this grand house that I wanted to complete.   I had so much fun diving back into crafts that about a week before Thanksgiving I decided that it was time.   I was done dreaming.  It was time to do it!  I am doing it in sections.  I'm building one floor at a time (well, maybe two floors at a time in the case of the first and second floor as my library has a second floor/balcony......as does my grand ballroom.    I have started to construct the actual building.  I have started to gather supplies and look at furniture.  I have been painting and plotting.   And yes, I know that a two story library will need a TON of books, so I have started making books.     I am calling this my grand opus.  I don't plan on this being done anytime soon.  I am calling it my life project......Jason has laughed and said '5 years....maybe 10'.   We shall see.   The project though, helps keep the sadness and depression at bay.  

 As for the sadness.  I had been doing really good for the last few months.  And then in the last few days it has hit hard.  I 'think' that maybe it's the thought of another holiday without my parents.  I miss them so much. 

While weight loss has taken a back stage, I know that I need to get serious about it.  I honestly need to get serious about two things.  Specifically I need to get serious about my food intake and losing the weight.  But equally important is the fact that I need to get serious about my fitness.  I see my fitness and mobility start to slip and I'm not happy about that.  So I need to change! 

Holiday Madness

 I can't believe that it is December first already.   Where is this year going?  It's insane to think that we have already passed not only Halloween but also Thanksgiving, meaning that we are fully in the Christmas season. Inconceivable!  

I would love to say that I got right back on the bandwagon after our vacation and lost the vacation weight and kept losing.    But that is not the case.   I posted a two pound gain the first day back after vacation but it actually settled on about a 4-5 pound gain.   I struggled to get back into the routine.  I was never really 'off'.  Meaning I never ate horribly.  But I never ate to lose.   So basically I nailed the maintain thing...

I had a normal week back at work and then Thanksgiving week hit.  Yup.  Right on the heels of vacation, before I got my mojo back I got hit with Thanksgiving.  I don't think I did too badly for the holiday meal.  I did eat two rolls (Delish) and two pieces of pie (Again delish).   And I was not overly hungry for dinner so I had a piece of garlic bread and another piece of pie.  

I got back to normal on Friday.....as normal as normal can be.  Back to work.  Back to the same eating habits that have me maintaining....but not losing.

Once again, not vowing for greatness....but I have to make small changes to fix this.  Nothing drastic....small changes, one at a time.   Because the worst part of this is that I KNOW that I am losing my mobility due to my excess weight.  I know that I am on a trajectory that is NOT good.  And yes it scares the living daylights out of me.  It depresses me.  It humbles me.  It terrifies me.  Yet this addiction to food overwhelms me and seemingly takes away any self control that I have.   And yes, notice I did say SEEMINGLY  I know that I have complete control and that it's my will power that needs to kick into high gear to overcome the addiction.  But anyone with an addiction will tell you.......that's easier said than done.   Just ask the smoker that is dying of lung cancer yet still smokes like a chimney!

 

But I can do this.......... 

 

 

Time to Make the Donuts

 Do you remember that old commercial, I think it was Dunkin' Donuts?  The one where the actor was dragging themselves to work and saying "Time to make the donuts"?   Yup, that's me today, dragging myself out of bed and to work because vacation is over.  BOOOO!

As I had said previously,  we were off work for a week but we were not going anywhere.  We were having a staycation and had a few places and things in mind for some day trips.  

We went to Little Buffalo State Park.  It was a decent little park.  It's in the middle of nowhere (quite literally).   It had some historical sites to visit (none of the buildings were open because it was not in season) and some short hiking trails. They allow boating and fishing in the lake and they have a pool for use in the summer.  If I lived close it would be a nice place to hang out in the summer. I am glad we went, but I probably won't go back simply because it was an hour or more drive for us....and since we didn't fish or anything, we probably spent less time at the park then it took us to drive back and forth to it.  But it was a neat place to visit!

We also went to Gettysburg for a day and hit up a new museum that opened in the last few years.  It is called Beyond the Battle and is run by the counties historical society.  It talks about the history of Gettysburg before and after the battle.  It also does include the battle because that is a huge part of Gettysburg history.   We were intrigued with the room that they have set up that you can go in and experience in a controlled manner what it must have felt like to be in a house during the battle with cannon blasts shaking the house, bullets flying around and going through the house.  It was sobering.   I took no pictures at that museum...simply because I forgot!    

We also hit up the Jennie Wade House.  Jennie Wade was the only Civilian killed during the battle and the house where she was killed is a museum.  I had visited this years ago, Jason had never visited.  So it seemed a perfect place to visit.  It was a great tour because we were literally the only people so we had a private tour with the tour guide.  That is always nice!

 We went to Frederick for a day.  We walked through some of our old haunts and favorite stores.  We also walked around downtown.  One day we actually went to the Aviation Museum in Hagerstown.  It's one of those things that it's in your own backyard so you kind of forget about visiting it.  But I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised.  It was well done and they have a nice collection of artifacts depicting the history of aviation in Hagerstown (Fairchild).  

We did some other minor things and spent some time working on tasks around the house (the gutters are nice and cleaned out now.........etc)

But alas, the time is over and it's not time to get back to normal.   

SO how did I do with my weight?  Not great!   There were desserts such as edible cookie dough, ice cream, cakes and cookies.   There were lots of dinners out.  There was nothing tracked!   But I usually ate a breakfast/brunch at home and then the dinner out.   So my eating was more limited and I wasn't eating all day long.    I drank next to NO water and drank pop all week long!  Not good!   As I said my weigh in this morning wasn't all that great.  But in reality it wasn't all that bad either!   I gained 2 pounds.   Yes, any gain is not good, but lets be honest.  I have gone on vacation before and gained 10 pounds in a week.  So 2 pounds?   I will take it!!!! (I delayed the weigh in until my first day back to work, when vacation was officially over) 

Meanwhile, I have my water jug/tumbler/container ready to go with me to work.  My lunch is packed.  I have my day planned out.  I've already been for a walk with the dog AND I have already exercised for 25 minutes! I gained two pounds and that's bad enough but I accept it because it WAS vacation, but darned if I am going to allow more to come on now that vacation is over!

Tenuous Hold

 I should have realized that the 'sadness' that has been prevalent in my life for the last few years was going to return.  I honestly can look back and see that there were signs of the impending doom.  However, it came as a total surprise because it hit during a time when I should be feeling hunky dory for a variety of reasons.

Lets talk about the good first. I had my weekly weigh in yesterday morning.   I was down on the scales.  I was down by another  3 pounds.  That means that in the last three weeks I have dropped 4.2 pounds. Yay me!!!!

 

The end of work last night also signified the beginning of vacation.  I normally don't talk about vacation until it's over because I don't like to announce the fact that my house will be empty while we are away. But this is a staycation with day trips and activities planned for each day, so my house will not be empty and even the day trips will have us departing and arriving home at random hours.  So yeah....vacation has arrived.  Hip Hip Hurray!

So why did I find myself standing in the middle of the kitchen last night a few minutes after arriving home from work crying my eyes out?   Well the official reason  was that I forgot the potato chips! Yes, potato chips.   I had to work until 6:15 and decided that the kitchen was closed for dinner.  so when I left work I dropped an online order for dinner.  Subs.....turkey for me.  Everything went well, I stopped to pick them up and grabbed myself a drink and then went home.  I was taking everything out of the bag when I realized that I had forgotten to grab potato chips.  Queue the tears.   

The potato chips were just the icing on the cake.   It's been a rough week for me.  I've made it no secret that I have struggled with my emotions in the last months and years.  As I sit here and type I think about some of those visits to mom in the last year or so of her life.  There were times where mom just looked at me and knew I wasn't OK.  I tried so hard to hold it together when I was with her, but I would just sit and cry.  Mom was safety....comfort.....love.    I feel like for years I was holding on by the skin of my teeth...even before mom died.....and after her death it was just even worse.    I vowed that the new job would be my new start and I've honestly been doing really good since starting my new job.   

I was confident that I had turned the corner.  I've been sleeping good and honestly just have felt so much lighter emotionally.  This past week the sleepless nights returned.  I honestly thought it was the time change wreaking havoc on my sleep.   I even thought at first that the tears last night over the missing potato chips was due to sleep deprivation, I have always been one that cries when I'm super tired.  (Although I don't feel super tired, I knew that my sleep wasn't that great.)  But as I laid in bed last night at midnight (and 1AM...and 2 AM....etc) I recognized that my issue wasn't a general issue with being on the old time zone because my mind was RACING!  I was so tired and wanted to sleep, but I couldn't turn my mind off.  And that is when I knew that the tenuous hold I had on my peace had slipped.

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  

  I can't change some things.  I can't bring my my mom back.  I can't erase the period of unemployment.  I can't change most of what causes that heaviness of my soul resulting in my mind racing.  But I CAN focus on the good in my life.  I can remind myself that it could be oh so much worse.  I can focus on the beauty in life.  

So moving forward that is exactly what I will be doing.  Focusing on the beauty of life and focusing on changing that which CAN be changed.    We have plans for our week off and maybe it was my subconscious reminding me to look for the beauty in our world but these last few days I kept thinking and saying to myself "MaryFran, get your camera out and the batteries charged so that you can take your good cameras......dive into photography during your time off".   Photography saved me once before....it forced me to not look at the negative and sadness and instead focus on the beauty in the world.  So this vacation may be a lot about photography amidst our travels.    As for the change.  Yes, I have lost 4.2 pounds in three weeks, but it should be more (especially at my current weight)......my healthy endeavors is something that I can change.  I may not be able to change what the scales say (because those things are fickle!) but I CAN change my efforts!

  

 

 

Rock Bottom

 I was out walking the dog yesterday morning.  Jason had a bad headache so I was out by myself and therefore had music playing.   As I neared the end of my walk a song by Jelly Roll.  ‘Wining Streak’  the song is actually about an addict that is at rock bottom and takes those steps to change the course.

The song has been on the radio for however long and I was familiar with the song…enough to sing and hum along.  But it wasn’t until I was on my walk that I really started to pay attention to the lyrics….what made me stand up and take notice was the line about being at the end of the rope.   As the song played in the crisp fall temps while I walked I thought about rock bottom.   I am I rock bottom?   I sure as hell hope so.  I don’t want my weight to spiral further.  I don’t want my fitness levels to get any worse.  But as I walked I realized that rock bottom doesn’t hit until the change starts and the climb out of the pit begins.  I am hopefully at rock bottom….and it’s time to rebuild.   

Even as I made this revelation in my mind the song continued to play.   My mind picked up the chorus.  I listened and really thought about it.  It talks about the shame…. (Yes yes yes, I am so ashamed to be at this weight…again!). But it talks about how  someone who had been in his shoes before (and was 20 years clean)  said that everyone here has felt the same because no one comes to this place on a winning streak.

It just made me realize that shame shouldn’t have any place in my mind……

We got up an antique store this weekend…..of course I got a picture of me in an antique hat!   One of Jason too!

Wash Rinse Repeat

 We all know, that consistency is the key to success.   Wash Rinse Repeat....over and over and over again until you reach your goals.  But what about the wrong kind of consistency?   Wash Rinse and Repeat can also be extremely harmful because consistency with something that is not beneficial can and will create problems.

That is exactly what I faced this past week.   I didn't set any clear cut plan and instead went to follow my loosey goosey plan to get things under control. I still hold firm with my loosey goosey plan to reduce calories but not to start fanatical about it.  It should have gone swimmingly well. However it didn't and I honestly consider myself incredibly lucky to have even pulled out the maintain on the scales.    So what did I do?  I messed up my lunches, in terms of calories.

 So what has typically worked for me is for me to plan on one full meal a day.  This is the meal that I cook for us.  (This week we had lasagna, chicken sandwiches, fish and chips (well I had leftovers that night since I don't eat fish), and pesto chicken.  Nothing out of the ordinary....but full meals...including veggies and whatnot.)  For the other meals in each day what I have found that works for me is to eat a lighter meal....honestly more snacky than anything else.  (Lots of fruits and veggies, cheese, etc)  This has ALWAYS worked for me.  It is just how I have found a way to manage my calories (or points when I was WW).   That works for me on a typical day (I will eat more for lunch if we are hiking or biking or doing something really active).  

This week I defaulted to what I WANTED to eat for lunch instead of what I knew was healthy for me.  I ate leftovers every day.....normal sized servings of leftovers!   I didn't follow the routine that has typically always worked for me and I did it  day in and day out. Yet I expect changes to occur.  Changes can't occur if I am not being the change. 

So yeah, I did a wash rinse repeat of old habits this week......and I consider myself lucky to have escaped the week with a maintain!  

 Halloween was fun.  Zoey of course looked smashing in her costume!

 

And of course I rocked out my costume.....I was a domino.  Actually all of my coworkers were dominos....but here I am as a domino! 

Happy Halloween

 Halloween has come up on fast!   I have a costume for my dog….but failed to actually put it on her!   My goal is after work tonight!   If not, well I will have her costume for next year!!! 

Halloween also marked a weigh in day for me.  I maintained.  A maintain is better than a loss. But it’s not what I wanted or needed or SHOULD be seeing at this juncture!   

I know what I have done.  I switched up my lunches…..and they are a higher calorie lunch.   Nutritious but higher calorie.  So I know what I did ‘wrong’.   And I’m ok with that.   I’m just playing with my routines to see what my body likes at my current age.  Lesson learned!

Now off to celebrate Halloween with my work peeps….we will all be decked out in similar costumes and have a potluck planned (we are doing a taco bar).  

The Scale and their hold over me

  

 Queue the dark ominous music to play when I say "the scales".  Because that is what I is playing in my head when I think about the scales and weighing myself.   

A few posts ago I decided that I was going to weigh myself once a week.  I am typically someone that weighs daily.  Ok, at least when I am doing well with my healthy lifestyle, when I'm back sliding I tend to 'forget' to weigh myself.  I like daily weigh ins but the scales have not been moving consistently and they have become more of a disappointment to me.  So to combat that disappointment I decided to weigh once a week.  Good idea right?   

I did great with not weighing at first.  I didn't miss it and I looked forward to seeing what the scales would say on my weekly weigh in.  But this week the scale boogeyman has reared his ugly head.  I find myself thinking about my weight.  I find myself pondering my progress.  I find myself panicked over a lack of progress.  At times it's almost seems like I am obsessing about it.  Whatever it is, it's not cool.

I don't want to be ruled by the scales.  I want to lose weight for sure, but I want to be 'normal'.  I don't want to live and die by the number on the scales.  I don't want to obsess.  I don't want to panic about what they may or may not say.  

The problem is that I have had a LONG time.....so many years....of living and breathing the scales and what the scales tell me.   It's ingrained within me.  It's part of who I am.  But this time I am making my 'get healthy mission' one of improving MaryFran with not just my weight but also my mental approach to live, my physical body, my emotions...the whole kit and kaboodle.  And that means that I need to get a grip on this scale obsession. 

Weighing daily is not a bad thing (once a day...not multiple times...thank heavens I don't do that!).  Weighing weekly is not a bad thing.  Weighing monthly...or never at all is not a bad thing.  What is a bad thins is the obsession, the panic and the fear.  What is bad is living my life and making my decisions daily on what the scales say.  What is bad is allowing what the scales say to dictate how I feel about myself.  THAT is bad.   So for now, I am resisting the urge to step on the scales.   I am accepting that the scales may be up on my next weigh in.  If that is the case, then I will tweak and change my food intake. (I am trying different things for my lunches.)  But the most important thing is that I will not obsess in the meantime.  

My loosey Goosey Plans for Weight Loss

 It has been about 10-12 days since I decided to take control of my weight issues and actually do something about it.   I didn't make any huge vows to start big and drop my calories to a certain level.  I didn't make any great plans to exercise for such and such length of time.  I didn't even promise to drink a specified amount of water.  I simply said that I was going to work to track my food and come what may. 

That is what I did.  I tracked my food.  Period. The end.  I did nothing else to further my weight loss.  I was just bluntly honest with my tracking (including the cough drops that I inhaled like candy due to this never ending cough).   I simply tracked my food.  Now historically speaking, I do tend to tighten the belt with my calorie intake when I am tracking.  That is due to a combination of being cognizant of what I am eating  but also the feeling of not wanting to have to admit what I really ate.  I am sure that happened this last week.  And I will say that I dropped 2.1 pounds.   A victory because any loss is a victory.    

My weekend was only so so in terms of my eating.....but I tracked it.    With that said, I know that it is time to tighten the belt so to speak.  It is time to roll into phase two of making small changes in my habits to enact a change within my body.    So what change will it be this week?   Water consumption?  Exercise?  What shall it be!

I would love it to be exercise, however I am still battling this crud that started about a week and a half ago.  The dry hacking cough is now a wet loose cough that produces nothing and just rattles my chest.  (Yeah, so much fun....note the sarcasm!)  During this weekend I was outside doing a few things in the yard such as carting lawn furniture to the shed, pulling tomato cages and trellis' from the garden and dragging in hoses.......basically winterizing the yard.  I noticed that while I felt fine (other than the cough) when I started doing the work, after a bit of anything more than a simple walk (anything strenuous) that my  chest would tighten up and hurt.  (Which is honestly no wonder with all this coughing and hacking that I am doing).   So exercise is not really in the cards for me right now.  I will continue my daily walks with the dog....and maybe even throw in one on my lunch break here and there (which I do on occasion.),  But exercise, not a focus at the moment.

Water?  Should it be water?   Nope, I am letting that one evolve on it's own.  

Instead of those things, my next focus will be on lowering my calories.  Like before I am not vowing to eat at a certain level of calories.  I am not promising to never have cake.  I will not be attesting to eating a certain amount of fruits and veggies or upping my protein into the stratosphere.  I am not promising anything.  I am just saying that it may be time to make an effort to reduce my calorie consumption and to eat as nutritiously as possible.   

Yes, I know that my plan is extremely loosey goosey.  I know it's crazy and unorganized.  I know that it's not scientific.  But I know that it's what I need at the moment.  I have been writing this blog for almost 20 years.  I have made the vows and the promises over and over for years upon years.  And it hasn't worked.  I have studied and practiced the art form of weight loss for those same years (longer really, because I was working on weight loss before I started this blog)......so I know what needs to be done.  I have written scads of words about it.  I have even posted videos for years  on youtube about my weight loss efforts.  Yet I have struggled for so many of those years. (I have also had victorious years and posts thank heavens.)  But the promises.  The challenges.  The goals.  The plans.   They haven't worked in recent years, so it's time to do something totally different.  It's time to  throw out the guide and do something totally different.   And here we are...it's time to be loosey goosey. 

I have been utterly lax with taking pictures of my days and life, so there is no picture to accompany my loosey goosey post.  So I will leave you with a pictures of my Goofy Gus, otherwise known as Zoey, our dog!

9/19/2025  Her 3rd birthday

 

 

Lazy bum sleeping on the couch

Staring me down

 

Dreams and Thoughts

Where did my dreams go?  I seem to have lost them and I don't know where they went.   It's kind of interesting.  It's kind of scary.  And weirdly enough, I don't know where and when they disappeared.  All I know is that last night I realized that they are gone....and I am bereft.

 Now first of all, I want to say that the dreams that I am talking about are not the dreams that come to us in the dead of the night while we are asleep.  I very much still dream frequently.   I don't always remember them much past that first wakeful moment or much after the first 24 hours post dream, but I have plenty of night time dreams.   Lately, they have been more nightmare quality (think watching plane wrecks, death, destruction and even one or two where you watch your parents die in tragic accidents).  But happy dreams or nightmares, those dreams are still around.

No, I am talking about the thoughts that fill my head when I am falling asleep, bored, lonely.   In essence my daydreams. Since I have been very young I have always filled my head with what I have always thought of as 'dreams'...but in reality I guess I could refer to them as 'story lines' in my head.  This has always been my chosen method to 'put myself to sleep', I close my eyes and imagine myself somewhere else...living the life of my dreams and building a story line in my head.  The setting, story line, characters, season and whatnot change, sometimes daily.   Over the years I have traversed the nation in a covered wagon, lived with the Indians in teepees on the great plains, fallen in love countless times, been a millionaire, been famous, worked as an archeologist, librarian, and schoolteacher.....and countless other things.  Thinking back I can see how my interests in life and the books I was currently reading played a factor in these dreams.   I remember being maybe 8 or 10 and reading the Little House of the Prairie books.  For months afterward I lived the life of a pioneer gal, traveling in a covered wagon.  Likewise, when our family went on vacation to Williamsburg, VA I suddenly created story lines in my head about life in Williamsburg or the nearby Jamestown.  Seeing the Replica ships were a huge memory for me when I visited Williamsburg years later (and yes I even talked about how I was most excited to visit the ships in this blog post where I recapped that visit 30 years after my first visit) , So I imagine that I spent time dreaming about how my life would be on one of them.  All of this to say that these story line/dreams have been a part of my life for a LONG time.

 Last night I couldn't fall asleep.   So I immediately turned to my old tried and true standby.  I decided to create a story in my head.   (I guess it's something similar to counting sheep)  Only there was nothing.  My mind was blank.  I've been reading, so there should be tons of scenes and settings in my mind (except that I did just finish a story about the holocaust......and that's not really a setting I want to imagine myself in.......I want to avoid nightmares!).  The more I tried to start a story in my mind......the more upset I became!  Where did my stories.....my dreams.....my 'friends' go.  

Over the last months and maybe even years I have tried to rediscover who I am.  I have felt as if I have lost some of who I am somewhere and somehow.  Is the loss of my stories part of what I have lost?   Food for thought.   

And seriously guys......tell me honestly.....am I nuts for these story lines that have always floated in my head?????   I honestly think this may be the first time I have ever in all my years tried to verbalize this.  (I know I was doing these stories/dreams in my head at least 4045 years ago...probably longer)  I think I just thought everyone did it....but now I am wondering.

Suit of Armor

 Its just one day.  It's an aberration and not the norm.  Or rather I will MAKE it an aberration! You see, I had a bit of a slip yesterday.  Yes, after I posted my victorious loss on the scales I went a bit haywire.   Can we say self sabotage?  Can we say I was happily protecting my fat suit of armor?

So yes, yesterday I was victorious and posted a nice loss. (2.1 pounds.....) I then proceeded to apparently mock my success by eating a big breakfast of chipped beef gravy over three slices of bread.  Now it was thin sliced bread and grainy and seedy.  So not the worst choice and probably the calories of two slices since it was thin sliced.    But definitely more calories than I usually eat for breakfast.  Lunchtime rolled around and what did I do?   Why I decided to eat chips and salsa.  CHIPS????  I mean, the salsa is not bad....and the heat from the hot salsa probably helped the sinus drainage that I am STILL dealing with. (Will this cough EVER go away?).  OHhh but I was not done yet.  I ran into a store for some other things and something possessed me to buy a brownie to add with my oh so UN-healthy lunch options (well...the chips were unhealthy).  Heck yeah I ate the brownie!  Dinner was more normal.  I made a potato soup and we had turkey and cheese sandwiches with it.  BUT, the brownie had 'wet my whistle' (to quote my dad) and I made chocolate cake with chocolate icing for a sweet treat.  And you KNOW I had a piece of that before I went to bed.   Ohhhh....and I had 16 ounces of water but after that I switched over to drinking diet soda....no more water for me!)  All in all, I ate over 2K in calories.   TOO many!!!

And yes, I did notice that thus far in this post that I was  justifying my poor choices by talking about the healthier version of bread....the thinner slice......the value of hot salsa on my sinuses.   Justifications that are excuses and are not helpful to me at all.  Because my food choices were not at all healthy.  I was well over my calorie goals but even worse, there was nothing remotely healthy about my food intake.  I did not eat to fuel my body yesterday....I just ate for the sake of eating. 

No matter the reasons and my self talk about trying to justify my choices, I self sabotaged myself.   So I guess the question of the day is why?   Why am I subconsciously avoiding success?  Years ago (like in 2009 in this post) I came up with the fact that I wear my fat like a protective suit of armor. Being fat protects me.  It is my excuse.  It is my shield that I hide behind.  In a weird way, it protects me.  Emotionally at least, because the fat suit of armor is hurting my physically.   And if I want to be honest with myself......the fat suit of armor is keeping me from being the best version of me possible.....physically mentally AND emotionally. 

So where does all this leave me?   It leaves me with two schools of thought.  The first is that I can NOT let my one day slip up turn into two or three.  One day is not the end of the world.  One day will not derail me.   One day is just living life.  The trick is to just keep it at one day and not let one day stretch into two days...a week...a month.    The second thing?  I really need to delve into the mental and emotional aspect of why I am self sabotaging my weight loss efforts.  I need to work on healing myself from the inside out! 

I did it!!!

 This is going to be a short post.  But I just wanted to come on here and give my daily report.  Ok, and a little extra something.

I am still holding steady with my efforts.  I’m not eating perfectly, but I am eating better than I was.  Furthermore, I am eating in a way that is sustainable.  There are no huge restrictions. There have been bo dinners of dry lettuce leaves.  I am eating normally but I am making better choices.  I am declining the junk food that I done really need.  But I admittedly have indulged in some sweet treats!

I have decided to make my official weigh in on Friday mornings.  I was thinking Saturday but Saturdays are a crapshoot of when we get moving, when I shower, eat, get dressed, etc.  Fridays are more routine and that is what I want!

So…..today is Friday.   And even with only small baby steps toward health, I managed a loss!   2.1 pounds to be exact!!!!   Go me!!!

Doing My Best

Are we ever really satisfied with our efforts?  Or are we as humans destined to always think we could do better?  Furthermore….is there always a bit more in the tank where we could do better…if we just tried?

Where in the world did this thought about my efforts come from?  Last night I sat down to eat my planned dinner and I was perfectly fine with my voice.  However, when I was done eating what I had planned I was still hungry!  I went to the kitchen and ate grabbed something else.   I never ate to the point of feeling sick, or even to the point of feeling stuffed.  So I knew that I had not overeaten.  Yet I sat there afterward beating myself up for the extra food. I had made my best effort and then I wasn’t happy with it.  In hindsight, I realized that my calories and food levels were way too low and it’s no wonder that I was hungry.   I realize my error in that I turned to higher calorie foods (not junk food…but higher calorie leftovers that were in the fridge).  But that didn’t make me feel any better.  I still felt like a failure.  

But in the heat of the moment I did my best.   And you know what else I also did?   I soooooo badly wanted something sweet after I ate dinner.  And guess what?  I knew I didn’t need it and I resisted.   I did my best and that is a win!

But why do we beat ourselves up over eating something not planned.  Why do we beat ourselves up for our mistakes.   Why do we demand perfection?  Perfection is not easily attainable.  It’s also not easily maintained.  Yet we strive for perfection and when we don’t achieve it we call ourselves failures.  What in the world is wrong with us.   (And yes, this segues into real life for me right now…I’m not just talking about my weight loss journey!)

I have been long intrigued with some of these extreme ultra running events.  In particular the ‘Barkley Marathon’ and the ‘Backyard Ultra’. These races are devious!   The Barkley is once a year.   Quite a few years they don’t even have anyone finish because it is that difficult.   The participants are faced with a grueling course (that they run 5 times….with 12 hours to complete each lap).  These runners are put through a physical and mental test that few can do….because few can push themselves past their best to dive into the reserves.  Likewise the Backyard.  It’s a race where participants run a 4 mile loop and they have an hour to do it.   Not bad eh?  But the top of hour two they line up and run it again.  At the top of hour three they line up and run lap three….for hours…and DAYS they start at the top of each hour to run their next lap of four miles.  The last man standing after everyone else has dropped out is the winner.    Talk about the tank being empty and drawing from that well of hidden reserves!

Those races totally intrigued me and I think it’s because sure, those participants want to win….but when you watch interviews with these people  it’s the victory of pushing your body to the limit…seeing what your body and mind can do.  It’s accomplishing the insurmountable!

In 2024 history was made with the Barkley marathon.  The first woman finished the race.   She was not first….she was not the second one to cross the finish line.  She was the fifth person and crossed the line with seconds to spare before the cut off!  Yet the world went crazy!  She lost!  Yet ahe gave everything she had and she was excellent!  (And while there were five finishers that year…some were repeat finishers….in the grand scheme of the Barkley there have only been 20 finishers in the last 20-30 years!)

I want to be excellent….I want to give my all and then some.  But I need to give up the hang up about perfection.  Being perfect didn’t get that woman across the line in fifth place…being her best did!