This is Not Going to End Well

 A few days ago I as having a conversation and I said "this is not going to end well'. That phrase has been the mantra in my head since then.

The conversation was about my health.  I was talking about the trajectory that I am on.  I am slowly gaining weight.  Now lets be clear, I don't gain weight each day or even each week.  But I will be hanging steady in a 'decade' on the scales (A decade being a 10 pound range).  I'll be in that decade for a few months and then one day I wake up and I am in the next decade.   And sadly, it's not the decade below, it's the next decade up.  So a slow rise.   The weight is not the only issue.  I am slowly losing mobility.  Yeah yeah yeah, I know. I am in my 50's and someone is bound to remind me of that.  But lets be honest.  a 53 year old (because yes, I did just have a birthday) should NOT be struggling to get up off the sofa.  A 53 year old should NOT be reluctant to get down to look in the bottom shelf of the fridge because she knows the struggle to get back up.  A 53 year old should not dread doing laundry because it's down in the basement and doing steps hurts. 

 

 Ok, the steps could be the arthritis in my knees.  But the rest of it......shouldn't be happening!  I've seen this coming at me like a slow moving freight train.  About a year ago I realized that if I knelt on one knee I just COULDN'T get up like I used to.  Getting down on one knee feels choppy and rough and totally not graceful.  But when I'm down there and go to get up I literally know what I need to do.  My brain is literally sending the signals to my muscles (thighs.....core...you name it) but they will NOT move.  It's insane.  Crouching?   Oh my....once again choppy and ugly and I can still do it....kinda.  I can get down and I can get up but on my word it HURTS. Yet I still try to force myself to do it.  But I really have to think about it and force myself to do it.      I see the slip.  I have seen it happening.  I have tried to take extra precautions to stop the downward slide.  I force myself to stand from the couch or a chair without using my hands.....when I remember to not use my hands.  I try to do these things even when I know they will hurt.  But at the most that has slowed the progression, maybe halted it.

But slowing the progression isn't enough.  I need to regain my mobility.

A few years ago I found a small fitness studio near my house.  I honestly think the studio and class size is limited to 6 or 8 (if I remember correctly).  I contacted the owner a few years back.  I actually contacted her before my mobility issues became obvious.  But life was still in the throes of being nuts.  So I never followed through.  A few months ago I saw that she was starting a new class.  Soul Fusion Foundations.  This class was for people that had seen mobility and flexibility diminish....ladies specifically.  I was super interested.  But I was quite literally just starting my job, so I put it on the back burner. 

By back burner, I mean that I totally forgot about it.  Then about a week ago I made that comment "this is not going to end well'.  I made the comment in a couple of different conversations with various people too. I know that I can change the trajectory of this path.  But to change the trajectory, I need to change what I'm doing.  In the midst of those thoughts I was flipping through social media and what should appear (not 8 tiny reindeer) but a post from this small fitness studio.  She is looking for people to join her foundations class and put a post out there.   I contacted her immediately.  It's a bit more money than I would like to spend.  But I am signing up.  Two nights a week for an hour each.  I am going to try to regain my mobility and flexibility. 

I also have a weekly weigh in planned with a friend....to give me accountability. 

The other factor that may play to my favor is this dollhouse project that I talked about in my last post. (You can read that here.)  The miniature world can be pricey.  Even if I make my own stuff, it takes supplies.  I don't want to sacrifice my existing savings account nor do I want to sacrifice the amounts that I am putting into my savings each month.  So that means something has to be adjusted.  Limiting my eating out while at work on on the way to work will help limit wasteful calories!  Win Win!

 

 

 

Time is Marching On

 It seems as if the older I get the faster time goes.  I swear it was only a blink ago and it was the Fourth of July.  Seriously, it feels as if I started my new job yesterday and here we are almost 6 months later.   And Christmas?   How can it almost be Christmas?  Yet, here we are.

 I'm not even going to talk about my weight loss efforts.  Life is ......well life.   That is no excuse, but it's what it is.

I actually mostly enjoy my job.  I still feel like I am a fraud and making it up and doing a really poor job.  I'm human and I know that being a human means that there will be mistakes here and there.  But I still feel like I am a fraud.  I am sure that this is residual damage from the  'manager' that I had at my last job.  (She was a holy terror.....I have written about it here and here.)   But all that said, I can see the reminders that come my way that I am doing just as well as people that have been there for scads longer.   Now just to get my brain to believe it! 

I have been able to finish my memory quilt.  I would go take a picture of it, but it is early while I am writing this and Jason is still in bed, covered by the quilt!    I rolled into some projects for Christmas gifts and then decided to take the plunge and do something I have been absolutely dreaming about for years well bef...what I am calling my grand opus dollhouse.  Seriously, I dreamed up the idea of this grand dollhouse eons ago.  I've sketched, I've plotted and I've dreamed about it.  But that is as far as it went.    And then a few years back I put aside my miniatures.  There were a variety of reasons such as money (we were trying to recover from Jason's accident with the axe where he didn't work for 6 months) and  time (visiting mom multiple times a week took a fair amount of time each week).   Being bluntly honest the bout of depression was overwhelming me.    So in the midst of life, I put aside my dollhouses.    But I never stopped dreaming about this grand house that I wanted to complete.   I had so much fun diving back into crafts that about a week before Thanksgiving I decided that it was time.   I was done dreaming.  It was time to do it!  I am doing it in sections.  I'm building one floor at a time (well, maybe two floors at a time in the case of the first and second floor as my library has a second floor/balcony......as does my grand ballroom.    I have started to construct the actual building.  I have started to gather supplies and look at furniture.  I have been painting and plotting.   And yes, I know that a two story library will need a TON of books, so I have started making books.     I am calling this my grand opus.  I don't plan on this being done anytime soon.  I am calling it my life project......Jason has laughed and said '5 years....maybe 10'.   We shall see.   The project though, helps keep the sadness and depression at bay.  

 As for the sadness.  I had been doing really good for the last few months.  And then in the last few days it has hit hard.  I 'think' that maybe it's the thought of another holiday without my parents.  I miss them so much. 

While weight loss has taken a back stage, I know that I need to get serious about it.  I honestly need to get serious about two things.  Specifically I need to get serious about my food intake and losing the weight.  But equally important is the fact that I need to get serious about my fitness.  I see my fitness and mobility start to slip and I'm not happy about that.  So I need to change!