Wednesday, June 17, 2009

open and honest

My plan today was to sit down and actually think about what scares me about shedding all of my fat suit of armor that I wear. What is causing me to sabatage my efforts. Yeah, I'm addicted to food and yeah, I really like food. But I am ultimately in control and I have learned how to say no and control those urges. So why am I now sturggling with seemingly no determination.

Sooo my first list is a list of answers to these questions: What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid to lose the weight? Why do I think I'm not worth it?

*for the sake of privacy one or two have been deleted and found only in my private journal, which is where I originally created this list**
1. I'm afraid to shed my fat suit and thereby allow my own personality to shine. I've hidden behind this fat for so long that I don't know who the real MF is anymore.
2. If I shed the fat suit, I will not be able to use my fatness as an excuse for any failures. I use my fat as an excuse when things don't go my way, it's easire than accepting responbility.
3. My fat suit allows me to live in my own insulated world. A world in which I don't have to take chances or step outside of my comfort zone. (chances and risks open me up for failure and failure scares me).
4. Lowing the weight and being a total success puts me at a greater risk of failure (should I gain it back)
5. I never dated much before my husband~~I guess in my mind that I feel that I wasn't worthwhile to date. Therefore I don't think that I'm worthwhile to invest this time and energy into myself!

Reasons why I am worth it!

1. I'm a child of God and was wonderfully and individually created.
2. I liked the person that I was before I put on the fat suit and before the fat suit started draining my personality. I was fun and goofy, but it suited me.
3. Success is not possible without the expenditure of risk.
4. Deep down under all these layers of fat a butterfly awaits to emerge from it's cacoon. While life may not turn around and it will definitely still have stress involved, it will be beautiful simply because I deserve success.

By golly, I just deserve it. Plain and simple. No one should ever have to live in a fat suit!

Now for the hardest list: Things I like about myself:

1. I do not cheat and lie (well, except while playing monopoly)
2. I'm a great baker and a pretty good cook.
3. I'm trustworthy and reliable.
4. Good friend
5. body part I like? My legs....the muscles are pretty well defined
6. I'm smart darn it. I've buried it under my fat so as to not stand out, but I've got a brain and a rather high IQ.


Whew...what a soul searching morning.

Didn't exercise today. But I have laid out my eating plans for the day. And I have my plan and I'm sticking to it come hell or high water. (oh wait, bad analogy....because it is raining again!...go figure!)

I didn't weigh myself today. Quite honestly, I forgot.

Speaking of honest. Yeah, I can pat myself on the back and say, "Way to go MF, you rode your bike to work yesterday. Great exercise." and "Great job MF, you resisted the cupcakes at work yesterday." But in all honesty, yesterday was a colossal failure. Well at least after work. I got home and hit up the comfort foods. Cocoa, homemade bread, fig newtons, ice cream, peanut butter and jelly, oh wait, lets not forget the 100 cal pack of fudge stripes (at least it was only 100 cal pack...because if it would have been a complete package of open fudge stripes, yeah, they would have all been gone!) Oh wait, did I say that this was all between 6 and 9PM!


Cole Walter Mellon said...

I had to chase all my comfort foods out of the house. It's just to easy to say "What the hell?" and start snacking.

VRaz60 said...

Well, if the MF we know here in the blogosphere is any indication, you are a pretty darned nice person with or without your "fat suit". You are definately worth the effort to shed the "suit". AND, we all fail once in a while, whether we are fat or thin, so that shouldn't present an obstacle. Jump over it and be successful. We are all rooting for you, just as we know you are rooting for all of us.

As I've said many times before, "The 100 calorie packs are the work of the DEVIL." I had a horrible time limiting myself to just the 100 calorie pack by its little ole lonesome...I figured it needed the company of it's 4 or 5 brothers and sisters in the box.

Anyway, you CAN do this. You ARE worth it, and we are all cheering you on from the sidelines. Count on it!!!

WWSuzi said...

I think it must have taken a lot of guts to dig deep into yourself and then post it! I'm impressed! And i know you can and will succeed :)

Lolly said...

Wow...a powerful and brave thing to do. I think it may be time for me to sit down and figure myself out...these lists are a great way to start. Thanks for being so open and honest with us,


Anonymous said...

I read this current post, and I could resonate with what you said one hundred percent! I read your posts regularly, and I find what you say and write to be very meaningful and worthwhile. You are a worthwhile person from what I can see on this post--but the hardest part is telling ourselves that.

I really admire your insight with this post. It actually has me in tears because I feel the same way that you do in so many ways, but I need to control my tears so that others at work won't see me!

I wish you the best of luck with everything and with your weight loss! And I especially like your number one reason why you are worth it!

Brightcetera said...

I'm with Jack Sh*t. Can't keep it in the house ... gets in my mouth.

I'm reading a book called Change Your Thinking by Sarah Edelman.
It's helping :)

I've done this to myself as well.
I think we all have.
But look at us ... we haven't given up. We won't. We WILL get this done.
All this stuff you're feeling is teaching you what thoughts you need to change.
Cognitive therapy is teaching me to take my negative thought and turn it in to a positive thought.
Argue your negative thoughts. Prove them wrong. It's not easy to change longheld beliefs but it certainly can be done with practice.
Hang in there MaryFran. I'm rooting for you!

JC said...

Mary Fran doing this much self searching must have been exhausting. This is an awesome post so was the one before it. I'm going through a time of struggle and it hit me Monday night during a small women's group (bunch of girl friends) that it is as if I must punish myself with food for having a really, really blessed life. How sick and twisted is that?

Patty said...

Just getting to know you Mary Fran, but you do seem to have a great sense of humor, and you are very compassionate and down-to-earth. "You know the saying birds of a feather, flock together", right? I was just looking at the quality of the comments before mine, and you are hanging out with some pretty awesome birds...says a lot about you. :-) You are so worth it!

Donna B said...

Great post!
But.......You are also
Easy to talk to
A great friend
Open minded
and on and on an on...........
Happy Wednesday to my special friend! only 87 days to our next bike event! (Hope I counted correctly!)