Choices

I almost caved and skipped zumba tonight......almost!  It was hard.....so hard.  I just felt tired...my body felt tired. But you know what?  I went.  I did it.  I know that my energy level was a bit lower than normal, but I went and I made it through the hour.   Perserverence.

You see, I had a choice.   I made my choice.  

Weight loss is choice.  Everyday I have a choice to make in terms of my weight loss.  I have to chose if I am going to go to zumba.  I have to chose if I am going to eat cake or fruit.  I have to chose constantly.   I miss the innocence of eating what I want, where I want and when I want  That totally skews the choices we face. 

So often we get bogged down with all the choices.   It seems like we have so many different options available to us.  It is confusing, mind boggling and deters us from our true focus.   But in reality we have two choices...

1.  I can  hose to live life of obesity.  The habits and way I used to be led me into a lifestyle mired in obesity. I was lucky.  I have dodged a lot of obesity bullets.  But I was diagnosed with high cholesterol and I do have arthritis in my knees.  I consider that lucky for a girl that weighed in at over 300 pounds, it could have been and could be much much worse.   Obesity kills.  It kills physically.  It kills mentally.  It kills emotionally.    

2.  I can chose to live a life of health.  Health doesn't garauntee that I'll live a disease free life.  But it sure does give me a much better chance.  Being thin made me happier.  Being thin gave me energy.  Being thin sure did feel good.

So my choice is obesity or health.  Innocence or strict eating/exercise regimes.   It sounds crazy....why in the world would I chose the innocence because it heralds sadness and death!

Trickery

I’ve been trying to lose weight for quite a while.  I recommitted to the process at the beginning of this year.  So what is my great weight loss for the year thus far???   Well….maybe we don’t want to talk about that.  Suffice it to say that it’s not pretty.  It may even be a gain of a pound or two. (nothing bigger than two or three).

So what’s wrong? I've lamented this fact in previous posts. What is different?  What am I doing wrong????  And then there was an epiphany. ~~This is the cue for the angels to sing~~

Well, this epiphany is not really mine to claim.  This is a friend’s epiphany that I am blatantly stealing.  You know who you are but unless you chose to come forward and lay claim…your secret is safe with me.  J  (and I apologize dear friend for any artistic license I take with your epiphany!)

It started with a question about what to eat for dinner.  Subway sounded good…(mmmm yes, it does!)  My friend was having a ‘strong day’ or else something simply  possessed her to actually go online and build her sandwich to calculate the calories.  She was wanting to get a foot long…….and then she found out that the whole sub that she would have ordered had she not had a moments burst of non-complacency that caused her to look up the actual calorie count would have cost her 1040 calories.  Now I don’t know what my friend is striving for each day in her total daily count…but I can tell you…she’s not THAT far away from her goal weight…and she’s not as tall as a giant!  Therefore, we can safely assume that 1040 calories for a sub would pretty much decimate her daily caloric budget.  At that moment my friend knew…..her struggles to maintain and even lose were not caused by genetics, they were caused by her mindless intake of food.

You see, our minds are easily swayed.  We are obsessive compulsive about measuring our food out for a while and then all of a sudden our minds tell us that we can pour that cereal (or ice cream or whatever food)   in the bowl and estimate it.  It is so tempting, it’s more quick, it’s more free and it saves on dirty dishes!  (the dirty dishes win me over quicker than anything else) But seriously…..regardless  we know how much cereal to pour.  We may get our portions right that first day.  Afterall, we DO know.  We just made a cognizant decision.  We are being careful.  Day two rolls around and we decide to wing it again…day three and day four the same.  By the time a few days have rolled around we are no longer thinking about our portions, we are simply pouring the food into the bowl and slowly (or not so slowly as the case may be) our portions get larger and larger.

We are brainwashed.   Subway has brainwashed us.  And let me say, I like Subway and am not bashing them.  I will continue to eat there…..and furthermore, I commend them for their superb advertising and for being in front of the 8-ball in terms of trying to push themselves as a healthy option and for putting general calorie counts on their cups and napkins long before it was required in any state. (at least I think they were long before required in any state)  However, the fact remains that they have brainwashed us through their advertising.  When I think of Subway…the first thought (ok, maybe the second thought….after mouth is done watering, because first and foremost I am a food addict) is of Jared.  Jared lost an obscene amount of weight eating Subway subs everyday.  We've all seen the commercials about Jared.   They are billing their food as healthy.  And yes, it is and can be healthy….or at least not too bad (depends on what you order, what toppings, what size)…I’m not bashing their food.  But we have it in our heads that we can go to Subway and order what we want and voila we will be thing the next day. (cuz that’s the way it SHOULD work you know!).  We think it…and thus we go into Subway and eat mindlessly without thought to what is going into our  mouths.

Our weight loss efforts are not being hampered by anything other than our complacency!  We become complacent.  We THINK we are following the ‘plan’.   We convince ourselves that we are doing out best. 

But in reality?   We are failing ourselves.

So meanwhile, I'm putting one foot in front of the other.  I'm focusing right now on eating my correct portion of fruits/veggies a day.   It works.  :-)   And yes, they are tasty too!

One Size Fits All

I'm still quite a ways away from reaching my goal weight again.  Way too may pounds for my liking, but that's what it is.   Today however the thought about "what makes the 'end' so difficult for us.  Why is it so difficult to push through those last pounds and reach our goals.

The first and trite answer is that when we are losing weight we have this wonderful neon sign that is blinking in front of us.  The sign is clearly blinking "Goal weight......Goal weight.....goal weight....goal weight"   It is clear....it is out there.  The focus is on the sign and we that are on this journey just keep pushing forward toward the goal.  The sign moves closer and closer (and sadly, some weeks it moves further away again).  The problem is that as the sign moves closer toward us the uncertainty starts to crowd in.  You see, what comes after that sign.  What happens when we pass that sign?    It is a great big black chasm.  The great big sign (the goal) is behind us and for so long we have focused on losing that now we are left with no goal.  Oh yes, we have the 'goal' of maintaining....but that's not a big neon sign that is beckoning us forward.  It is a scary prospect and it's one that can deter us and cause us concern.  That can derail. us.  Fear is natural..but fear is debilitating when it comes to our weight loss efforts.

The second answer is much more complicated and it's so much more difficult to admit and actually put down on paper.    But here goes.......  Fat is a safety net.  Fat is the greatest excuse as to why I fail.  It's easier to be fat and have this 'Well I'm fat' excuse up my sleeve.   Seriously, when you are overweight...grossly overweight and you cut a run short and make a comment saying "I'm disappointed with myself...I only ran a 1/2 mile or even a mile today"  it's easy for people and myself included to simply say "well seriously....the fact that you can run even that much is awesome!"   You see....the fat is a wonderful safety net...it's my excuse for everything. So when I start to get closer to my goal I start to become fearful...because holy cow....when I lose the weight I also lose that one size fits all excuse!  Now THAT is scary!

Meanwhile, I'm trying to bring my focus back on that elusive goal.  I enjoyed some nice weather this weekend.  It just made me REALLY long for summer!!!!!!!!!   Hopefully the weather will remain where it's at and not dip down into the 'God Awful' temperatures again.  And hopefully we have experienced our last flakes of snow for the year too!!!!  I'm done with it!  :-)  If that is the case...I don't have the weather excuse. (Cuz you know.....when you are fat and fall on ice it hurts worse!!!  ha ha ha ha)

Pushing through

Ahhh the weather was absolutely delightful today!  I threw on my exercise clothes....capri's even....a teeshirt and a sweatshirt.   I decided to do something a bit differently.  I usually run on the battlefield. It is actually a great place to run but admittedly it gets a bit repetitive.  So today,  my plan for the day was to go up to my parents for the day and spend the day with not only my parents but with my brother and his family (who live across the street).  I decided to do something differently.  I drove up to my parents house and parked my car.  I said hello to everyone and out I went.  I headed out for a run.    It is amazing how running through a different area changes everything.

I was feeling it for sure.  I had to continually ask myself "are you dying". I kept saying NO,so I kept going onward.  About 1.5 miles into my run I pulled the sweatshirt off, tied it around my waist and ran on.  3.5 miles later and I was done.


There are stages of running.  Stages of any exercise actually.......

Vacillation
 If I don't just jump right on it and do it IMMEDIATELY upon my first thought, first awakening, first whatever then I sit back and ponder it, dread it and vacillate between trying to talk myself into getting up and actually doing it versus sitting back and saying 'to heck with running today'.  

Death and Despair
While I am exercising it is a thing of me wanting to stop. My mind is telling me that I'm dying.  I hurt.  I ache.  I feel like I can't breathe sometimes.  My body is in distress....or so my mind thinks.  I have to constantly ask myself "Are you really dying?"    The answer is no.  I"m not dying.  I'm simply wishing it were over. I'm simply sore, but sore is NOT dying.  I just have to get past that mental hurdle of feeling as if I'm dying.

Euphoria
When I'm done....holy heck........the endorphin's are totally kicking.  I'm feeling on top of the world.  I get massive work accomplished.  I can't hep but feel good.  It is awesome!   A runners high! A zumba high!   A bike riders high!!!

So what I have to remind myself every day....the post exercise euphoria is SOOOOOO worth everything.  It's worth it all.  And oh yeah, the side benefit of getting fit and losing weight....well that's just icing on the cake!

One foot in front of the other

Aiming for a loss this week.....I totally need a loss on the books to boost my moral about this journey.   It's amazing how badly I want it, but how utterly difficult it is to actually work for it!   It isn't an easy journey.  It's difficult.  It's downright mentally exhausting. Its emotional. It's just plain shitty sometimes!

Moving forward.  I've got some goals.  I'm pushing myself forward.  Last night I was in the parking lot at zumba and I ALMOST turned around and drove home.  I found out it was a substitute instructor...not one I hate, but not one of my favorites.  I almost walked out the door.  I stayed though.  I pushed through it.  I am already wishing that I could just stay at home and curl up in a ball on my couch.....cry, wail, gnash my teeth and maybe watch a movie.  However, I'll be up and at 'em at Zumba....oh heavens, I sure do hope Anita is there tonight!  (although, I was feeling icky last night...and the gal that was subbing doesn't do as heavy of a cardio workout as Anita...so maybe that was a good thing....however, I wanted the sweat to be pouring off me....kinda like being mentally cleansed with sweat......OK, maybe I've gone off my rocker!)

Will I get my loss this week?   Honestly?  I've not been horrible, but I've not been on target 100% either.  Per the calorie count...yes, I should be showing losses.  But that is not how my body works.  I know where my calorie count has to be to show a loss..and it's not quite where I need it to be.  

Right now....emotionally, physically and mentally my focus is on putting One foot in front of the other....  Ok this is kinda the wrong season for this clip...but seriously, it just works for where I'm at....  and honestly for this WHOLE weight loss journey!!!  Seriously...I'm sure you remember the Christmas show...but go and actually listen to the lyrics....

The glove has been dropped

Ahhhh  Sunday...blessed Sunday.  A day with no work!  AHhhh

So I guess I learned my lesson.  Get my run over with early in the morning.  Seriously.  If I don't do it first thing or very near the first thing I sit and dread it for ages.    Today was one of those days.  I KNEW that I was going to go running.  Yet I ate breakfast.  Nor normally I'll go running and then eat breakfast....it kinda keeps the food for sloshing around inside me (not a pleasant thought is it?).  But toady, I ate first.  So I sat down to work on my computer to allow my food to settle.

While my food settled I started to work on digitizing pictures from my childhood.  They are deteriorating with age.  I am taking them, digitizing them and doing some minor restoration work on them.  I want to make sure that I can look at these pictures that I fell in love with as a little girl flipping through photo albums.  That was one of my favorite things to do as a kid.....look through our photo albums.  So anyway, I digress......I sat down to work on that project.  I kept telling myself, after I finish this step I'll go running.  But then I would finish that step and then move o to the next step and say "after this step"   Of course that didn't happen.  I kept working.

By the time I was pretty much finished with the pictures it was lunch time.  So I of course had a sandwich.  And then of course I didn't want to run after eating again.   What a vicious cycle!!!!

I continued watching the Olympics (oh yes, I watched a couple episodes of Live Big with Ali Vincent and then the Olympics as I fiddled around on my computer).  As I watched the Olympics, I thought about how those athletes go workout even when they don't want to work out.  I thought about how they push themselves because they BELIEVE in themselves!   So I rose up from the couch, put on my workout clothes and off I went.

Darn if it wasn't brutally cold.  I've run in colder.  But for some reason it just killed me today.  My legs were heavy and I could have worked through that.  My knees hurt and my heel hurt which was just no fun. I reverted back to running intervals for the duration.  But the icing on the cake?  The wind and cold.  My ears were numb....my cheeks burned.  I struggled to take in a deep breath.  It was not fun at all.  As for now?  I'm somewhat warm again....but I'm just really wheezy.   GRRRRR  Oh well......I'll be running again in a day or two and hopefully it won't be as brutal!!!   No...I'm thinking positively....it WILL be better. I WILL be improving my time.  I WILL be conquering this running thing.  And I'm going to throw it out there on the table.....I'm planning on running a race in March (I ran this one last year) and I am going to aim to set a new PR!   Ok, so there it is....on the table!

  Now if only the weather will cooperate so that I can actually get out there and run.  My time to beat????  My best 5k is 38.20..   I'm currently running at a pace of roughly 13:20 a mile.  So I have to drop about 50 seconds off of each mile. I know that the adrenaline of the race will knock some time off of my pace.  It did that with both of my lowest runs.    So what am I aiming for?????  Honestly anything under 38:20.    I will admit that I would be tickled with 36.......or even 35....but that is a long long shot!!!  Ok, it's a long shot for me right now.....because I have 1 month and one week until that race (I think)

So there it is...the proverbial glove has been dropped!  (and how my heel felt this morning, I better buy a new roll of KT tape!  LOL)

Winter just needs to go away!

This winter stuff is infringing upon my plans to improve my numbers in running.  Seriously!

Ok, I like snow.  It's pretty and all that  But I'm just ready for warm.  I'm ready...ready to get out and run and ride my bike!  

Yes, today dumped about 15 inches of snow on us.  We've had snow and/or ice at least once a week since Christmas.  (and actually I think since the beginning of December). Ok, we may have had a week where there was nothing...but wait, those are the days that it is 0 degrees in the middle of the afternoon.  So yeah, I'm done with winter!

I've eating probably too much today.  I woke up and at about 7 drug myself out of my warm bed.  (at 6:30 they delayed opening the bank until 11).   I made waffles for breakfast (and turkey bacon for Todd).

 At about 8AM they actually decided to close the bank for the day.  I walked out the door at 8:05 and spent almost exactly 2 hours outside shoveling the heaps of snow.  

Why yes, that is one of those 'ole men hats'  it is absolutely awesome!

Not playing...WORKING.  I came inside at right about 10....took off my top layer and headed straight for the exercise bike.  Why yes, I did do two hours of shoveling outside and then follow it up with 60 minutes on the exercise bike.  I am all that and a slice of bread!     After my ride, I showered, checked my mail and put lunch n the oven.  Yeah, we had Stromboli. (I had pepperoni....yeah, real pepperoni).  So my eating has been a bit above and beyond today.  Oh well.

The afternoon has been spent relaxing.  I figured out that curling is really quite addictive to watch.  I sat down to watch the women's hockey game but fell asleep.  Now I"m up and watching luge.  Hey, it's inspiring, knowing that these athletes have scarified and worked out and just been amazing in their efforts.  Makes my efforts to lose weight pale in comparison. OH yeah, you are wondering how much these curling guys work out.  Yeah, they showed a calendar....holy cow those guys were all muscles and totally buff!

Yay, the precipitation has recommenced! Ok, once again.....on days like oday where winter allows me to stay home I love it....i'm just antsy because I want to go out running without the risk of breaking my neck...o or getting run over by some red neck in a truck on my lame-o back road!

I'm reconsidering the exercise bike thing.  I have a recumbent bike.  It's got some issues...and I'm happy that it gets me moving.  HOWEVER,I know it's not giving me a good workout.  So I'm one again reconsidering the indoor bike training question.  Trainer?   Exercise bike?   GAH, I hate decisions like this!

Well I better get back to the focusing on these relay luge races.  Highly important!    Plus, well...my cats await me!!!!  That is Lucy laying on a pillow that is sitting on the arm of the couch above my folded up pillow and that is Ethel laying beside my pillow sharing my blanket.

Rebel

Day two if my new rule-less existence is half way in the books.  (Ok, maybe not halfway...but it's rolling onward!!!). I'm on board, on track and feeling strong!   Ohhh to simply hold on to this feeling!!!   Is there any way to bottle the feeling????     I know that the true test will be how I'm feeling next week this time!

The finite rules and regulation just begged me to bend and break.  I'm such a rebel I guess!!!  But hey....whatever works!!!!

Made it to Zumba yesterday evening!   Got out walking with sherry this morning (in 14 degree temps might I add) and ill be heading to Zumba again tonight!   (My legs feel stiff and heavy right now so Zumba should be interesting!)

What doesn't Kill you Makes you Stronger

I woke up and knew that I had to get my run in early.  First because Todd and I were planning on doing something during the day.  Secondly because it was supposed to start snowing later in the day.  And thirdly...if I don't get it done early the odds of me doing it all are start to diminish.  I was actually sitting on the sofa waffling about going when I saw a facebook post by my friend Tim over at Reflections in a Murky Stream      He decided that he was going to cheer for everyone today.  It was just what I needed to drive me from my couch and out onto the road.

The run was brutal today.  It snowed/sleeted the whole time I was out there.  It was cold, my eyes were watering and I was seriously wondering if my tears were freezing to my cheeks.  My fingers were numb inside my gloves.  But all of that was minor because about one mile in my legs started to ache.  My muscles tightened up and just plain hurt.  I didn't let it stop me. I ran onward.  It didn't kill me.  :-)

While I was out running I made a realization about myself.

I have been using the website (and corresponding app on my phone) myfitnesspal.com.  I actually really the website.  It is easy to use.  It's easy to add recipes that I make.  There are tons of saved nutrient calculations so almost anything you want you can find an estimate (or the real calorie count should it be a commercial item).  It keeps track of any number of nutrients, water consumption, exercise and weight changes.  There are communities that you can be part of.  It really is a great website.  My problem?   They keep track of the days that we log into the website.  And every few days they post "maryFran has logged in for such and suh amount of days"   This is a good thing, I guess.   However, this morning on my run  I made a startling discovery.  The ''MF has logged in for *** days" is actually a deterrent for me  Its a rule....a chore...and something that makes the trend of logging in daily rough for me.

Yeah, I liked it when my stats were saying "MF has logged in for 180 days"  but when I was out sick with the flu in July and I was puking my guts out, yet I still picked up the phone just to log on....I didn't add any food because I didn't eat anything and I certainly didn't exercise!  I picked up my phone an logged on just to maintain my streak.  How wrong is that?  Day two of the sickness I didn't pick up my phone and ruined my streak.  Yup.  Ruined...done!

The streak being ruined by something as simple as the flu...the stinking flu totally caused a sense of disillusionment for me.  I didn't miss tracking anything I just didn't log on!  There have been other days too.  Days where I'm just busy  I'm keeping track of things in my head and I enter it the next morning...but I don't do it 'on the same day' so my streak is broken.   It would infuriate me!    I was focusing on having a high 'days tracked' number. Numbers and rules.......

  I have thus far shied away from setting strict "rules of engagement" for myself.  I haven't said I will do such and such and I won't do such and such.  I have goals but I was very careful to say I will reach the goal whenever I get there.  I didn't put time limits upon myself.    At the beginning of last year I didn't operate under rules and I didn't operate under set time limit goals. I just DID it.

This year was different.  I set up strict rules.  I WILL track such and such times a week. I WILL drink my water.  I WILL do this and that.  Seriously?   That doesn't work for me.  I'm going to TRY.  I'm not going to keep track of my days on target and my days of tracking and my days of this and that.  It's not important.  What is important is that i'm having lots more days of being good than bad.  It's important that I'm getting as many fruits and veggies in each day.  Do I need to be strict and say I WILL eat 5 (or 6 or 7) a day???  NO...  I'm going to eat as many as I can.    5 days of exercise a week?  Sounds good. But it's not a set in stone rule anymore.

I have my goals.  I have my challenges.  I know where I want to be.  I will get there.  I will get there by living and being me.  I will do it by changing my life without the rules.  I will do it because I am changing my life NATURALLY!

What is different??

Last year I started my year and I was on fire.  I was losing.  I was focused.  I was a woman on a mission.  I felt spectacular!   Midway through the year I lost my mojo.  I started to flounder.  At first I maintained my weight but then I slowly started to gain again.  I knew what the problem was and I thought long and hard about it.

I was determined to start this year out strong.  I was going to be that woman on a mission again.  I was going to whip this fat into shape and set it running from my body.  I was so determined to make it happen.  However, that has not happened.  I’m still floundering.  I’m not losing, I may even be slightly gaining.  I’m NOT at all happy with where I’m at. 

I want this with all my heart.  I want to be thin.  I want it!  So what is my problem?  What part of the equation did I intrinsically have last year…..or more importantly what have I lost?  What is different????

The only thing I can think of is that the last week or two I’ve been totally focused onother things.  I’ve worked my full time job….I’ve done a few rounds of photos…..I designed a cd for a band.  I admit that the cd design had me nervous as I’ve never done anything like that. (it’s at the printers now…and no news is good news!).  The CD Design was fun to do.  It just was a lot of back and forth with the client and some late nights as we got down to the deadline which was when the client had a gazillion last minute changes.  It is a trifold cd jacket…so six pages of design….and they originally wanted a 16 page booklet for inside….so I did 16 pages of design…..but one of those last minute changes was knocking 16 pages down to 6.  Yes, you heard me….I had to lose 10 pages but none of the information contained on those pages.  So it was a rather large project for my first foray into CD Design.   But I can honestly say that for quite a few days/evenings I was totally focused on these other projects.  My focus has to be directly and completely on losing weight.  I know that.

CD Cover, they wanted simple and reminiscent of days gone by

Back of the CD

 The problem is with weight loss being my sole focus is that it’s not a healthy attitude.  Life happens and life has to be lived.  I need to find a balance.

Whatever the problem is….I need to get it fixed!   I have some very clear goals.

What are my goals????    I have two very specific big weigh ins to surpass.

Under 200 pounds is one of those biggies.  The other big one is for me to be  back at 180 pounds which is where my doctor wanted me and thus my weight watcher goal weight. (I will be back at lifetime status at that point).  So I have two goals that I've set up for those things…

A weekend with Donna in Lancaster…..including massages/pedicures

A weekend with Julie in Indianapolis……

Crazy weather

Yeah it's winter, I know that!   But darn it, I don't want it!!!!  I'm done with it.  D. O. N. E.     it's pretty.  I admit it.   I don't dispute that.  I'm just tired of taking my car out and braving ice, sleet, snow and what not!   Lets see last week I about slide off the road three times in a two mile stretch....snow.   Monday I spun my wheels trying to go up hills that had not yet been plowed in that same two mile commute.   Today I skidded around on ice.   But that's not the worst if this weather!!! The worst???   It's keeping me from running!!   Yes, it is!  It's canceling Zumba too!!  Monday was cancelled. I made it last night before the ice fest... I just found out tonight is on but I have to get groceries.  I only get groceries every two weeks so at the end of that two weeks it's slim pickings.   Friday/Saturday is grocery day...but alas,another  snow is expected.....one measured in 'feet and not inches'.   The stores will be a mad house the closer we get to that mess....so tonight it is.  (I originally thought Zumba was cancelled so I made these plans before I saw it was  indeed on!)

So the snow is infringing upon my workouts!  I'm not happy with that!!!

The last few days I've been busy.   Doing what??   Pictures and I worked on a cd design for a band.   I'll post pictures soon.  In conjunction with that, I've decided to do what Todd's been telling me to do for a while...to actually have an official website and Facebook page for my photography/ crafts.  So that has been on my mind.   

Yeah, life has been crazy!!   It's February and I haven't made any great achievements weight wise.   That's gotta change!  I have specific goals and some specific time constraints!!!!  

Meanwhile....it's snow.........

Priorities

I got out and ran yesterday.  I sooo didn't want to.  I did pictures on Saturday of an 17 month old little girl.  That (for me at least..cuz that's how I operate) involves lots of me squatting and crouching to be on her level.   Can we say and hour and a half of squats REALLY hurts the next day (and two days later to). However, I knew that we were to be getting a snow storm and that meant that running outdoors (and even making it to my gym..which is 20-30 minuts away)  was not going to happen.  So out I went.  Yeah, it was brutal...but I did it!

My eating this past weekend has been anything but healthy.  I've not been horribly over on my calorie count, but I've made horrible choices!   My stomach has been letting me know that it's ready for some wholesome nutritious food!

 The while back I found myself saying to myself  "Why doesn't that lady get her teeth fixed"   It bothered me.  Because seriously, a trip to the dentist isn't that difficult.   (yeah, I know....financial matters keeps some people from the dentist...sad state of our world, but it does happen....and I also know that some people have horrible teeth that are very difficult to maintain and keep healthy...I understand that sometimes dental healthy is out of someones control).   I wasn't being judgemental, I was just observing that when someone has teeth that are rotting in their head you'd think that they would make it a priority to get them looked at.   But then I stopped dead in my thinking.  Wow...someone could look at me and say "That girl is fat...you'd think she would see it and make it a priority in her life!"

That thought brought me up short for a few different reasons.  Number one. I haven't made it a priority.  What the hell was I thinking?????   HOw did I let it get that way?   But secondly......it NEEDS to be a priority!!!!!!!!!  This weight loss thing has GOT to be m priority!!!

I am a runner

I am a runner.  I may be slow.  I may have had to take some breaks due to that pesky foot issue (plantars fasciitis) but I'm a runner.   

Furthermore, I am a biker.  I may not go a gazillion miles.  I may not be able to hit all the hills full speed ahead.  But I'm out there.  I was able to ride 20 some miles...on the roads and on some hills.  That makes me a biker.  

I hope to better myself in both of those pursuits this upcoming year  In that vein, I was outside today running!  WEEEEE   It was in the mid 20's and it felt GREAT!   I wasn't fast....I didn't expect to be, afterall I haven't been religious about my running.

HOWEVER, that is going to change.  I have a few 5k's that I'm interested in. The first one is in March.  I want to start improving my stats!  I want to set personal records this year!   That means, I need to RUN!

How fitting that this blog is about running....because....  One year ago today I started running. I started the couch to 5 k program for the third and what I vowed would be my final time.  I vowed that I would push through the hurt and come out victorious!   I did.  I may not have been religious about running in the last months for various reasons....but I was able to run 2.5 miles today without stopping.  If I go back to last year I struggled with the 90 seconds of running!    Wow....I've come a long way!

So happy runniversary to me!

Affirm it....be it!

Moving onward.   I am currently reading a book. I won this book on a blog a while back.  It's called Burn theFat Feed the Muscle   by Tom Venuto.  I'm not very far in yet, but something has already sparked a nerve for me.  The author has built his ideas and programs around the principles of bodybuilding, but clearly states that these principles tie into losing weight and toning up...that body building is only the medium that clearly figures out the regime that works well. (He does make a convincing argument for this fact).   He made a comment at the beginning that recommends that we all start out by making a statement.  "I am a bodybuilder"  and encourages us all to substitute bodybuilder with whatever our goal is.  "I am a runner."   "I am a fitness athlete".  I am a whatever we strive to be."      He states that when we make affirmations like this that we will reach our goals faster.  "It's miraculous how the words you use to describe yourself can shape your identity, change your self image, and, in turn, change your behavior."

How true is that?   So true.  Last spring I was struggling through the couch to 5k program, yet I was running religiously 3-4 times a week.  I called myself a runner.  I was a runner.  I was doing it and my mind accepted the aches and pains that were associated with being that runner.  I accepted the cold weather runs (although nothing like the cold snap we are currently suffering through).  I accepted it all. I believed it.  I made the affirmation and I did it.  After my foot issues I stopped running regularly and stopped calling myself a runner.  All of a sudden the aches and pains associated with running seemed insurmountable.  The discipline that I needed to complete my runs was mysteriously missing.  I got out there on occasion...but I wasn't the same.  You see, I had stopped calling myself a runner...and I had stopped believing it.

(How ironic, as I'm sitting here in my warm toasty house writing this I see a runner out in the brutal cold running...hmmmm)

This affirmation stuff carries over into everything.  Affirm that I am...and BE!

I'm working to keep my picture a day rolling......

Terri one of my Zumba peeps

snow plow

A tidal wave

I held it together on Friday.  I knew that the weight on the scales was only one day and since I weigh everyday, I know that my 'official' weigh in for the week was skewed.   That's the way of life and I was ok with it.

Saturday dawned and I had a quick breakfast and headed out.  I had some errands and I planned to spend the day with my family. For some stupid reason, I didn't drink anything with breakfast.....nor did I fill up my water jug to take to town with me.  Why?  I have no earthly clue.  I ate lunch at my mom and dad's house (I raided their fridge and ate leftovers!) and after I was done eating had the fleeting thought of "I didn't get anything to drink."   I should have stopped right then and there and gotten something, but I wasn't bothered and didn't feel thirsty.  An hour or two later I was at my brothers house and they offered me a drink.  I answered "I'm fine not thirsty"   Because I was fine...I wasn't thirsty..even though it as 4PM and I hadn't had even one sip to drink all day.  What was up with that??   I did drink a few glasses of crystal light (berry pomegranite flavor) that evening.  But seriously?  What was I thinking??????

Sunday....ahhh lovely Sunday.  I had planned on staying home all day to work on a project that is currently on my plate.  (well, I was going to walk but my walking partner has strep throat.....no thank you..keep your germs to yourself!)  I worked on my computer with the tv playing.  My mind wandered while I worked and I found myself depressed and crying.  Life just overwhelmed me.  Nothing more to say than that.    However, I will have to go on and say that I ate.  I cried and those tears were like a tidal wave that just carried me to the kitchen over and over again.  It wasn't as bad as previous years...but I ate too much.  And worse...I just stopped tracking it.....

The eating didn't fix anything.  It just made me kick myself and feel like a bigger loser after it was all said and done.  So I guess I can honestly say that the eating made things worse!   Lesson learned.  However, this is truly and addiction, so I know that I will fight this urge over and over again in my lifetime.

Monday dawned and I awoke with the same life problems....but I was determined to not allow it to rule my eating.  I made my plan, packed my lunch and I'm proud to say that I stuck with it!   I will be totally honest and say that at about 4PM I was HUNGRY (or so I thought) and I went to raid the food cabinet at work.  There was some old popcorn there....not worth it.  There was some candy and I actually was ready to lift the piece of candy out of the open box when I came to my senses and realized that a piece of candy was NOT what I wanted!  So I can say that I stuck with the plan 100% yesterday.  Victory!

Furthermore, I made it to zumba last night.  Dang, it was cold leaving the class while I was all hot and sweaty!!!!  Worth it though......I needed to pound my feet and get a good workout!  Good for the mind, body and soul!

I've got my plans made for today.  Foodwise I'm planned out and another bout of zumba tonight!!!!  I've got this!  One day at a time!

And my pictures for the last few days!

Saturday...COLD 

Riley's soccer game on Sunday

Sunday...lazy day on the couch with the cats!

Monday and on the way to work...BRRR

Disbelief, shock and awe

I'm in disbelief!  I have hovered at just about a 2 pound loss for the last 4 days. And today was my official weigh in day. Yay!  Time to get that 2 pound loss officially recorded!  My goals for the week?  You know...tracking, staying within my caloric budget, drinking water, exercising.  I nailed each and every one!  I didn't falter!  I rocked the plan.

I woke up this morning.  I knew IMMEDIATELY that it was going to be bad.  You see, since I weigh everyday I know the nuances of my body.  Today I woke up thirsty.  That has NEVER boded well on the scales that day.  NEVER.  I laid in bed for a few minutes, hoping that today would be different!  I prayed that today would be different.  I took every article of clothing off  and even contemplated chopping off some of my hair for an added bonus, but stopped just shy of grabbing my dull scissors from the bathroom drawer.  I stepped on the scales.    YAY......(note the sarcasm) I weighed in a half of pound HIGHER than last week.  So I have to woman up to a gain this week.    ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!

Seriously, why am I doing this????

I know I know I know...I'm doing it because I want to be thin.  I'm doing this because I want to live a healthy and active life.  I'm doing this and I'm not giving up, but it is depressing.....even knowing that it is most likely a water weight gain.    My consolation.....because I DO weigh everyday, I know what is most likely the issue.  (and I drank right around 100 ounces of water yesterday...so no, it's not an issue of drinking too little....stupid me, I made General Tso Chicken last night...homemade, and while I do use low sodium soy sauce..seriously, low is a relative term when referring to soy sauce and other chinese ingredients).

Oh well...  (can I scream now?)   Moving on.

So this journey to a better me isn't all about weight.......so .....I've decided to restart my 365 project.  I've done two consecutive years in the past and have LOVED the results.  I like having a pictorial guide to my year and I like having a camera in my hand. (and it's neat because I can always see my skill as a photographer increase when doing it).    In previous years I was totally hard core.  I had to take a picture each day...I think I only missed 2 or 3 days in those two (two and a half actually) years.  It added a bit of stress to my life on some days.......This time around I'm going more casual......I'm going to TRY to get a picture everyday.

My rules are simple....I want most of the pictures taken with my good cameras.  I can occasionally throw in a cell phone pic (I've taken some amazing shots with my cell phone..and sometimes the cell phone shots sum up the day much better than any other shot) and I may even throw in a graphic art picture or something I pick up somewhere else.  So really simple.   I've done this almost a week now......so here is my week in review...

January 19....my beautiful niece

January 20  Sunset before zumba

January 21....Snowy day

January 22.....recovering from snow

January 23....so wrong but so incredibly funny

HI HO HI HO It's off to work I go

My eating has been totally spot on the last few days.  I feel so proud of myself.  It really is crazy that the 'high' I get from that sense of pride.  It is a feeling that is so much more long lasting and pleasant than the high I get from eating.  The high I get from eating is a fleeting feeling...this empowering prideful high totally feels me with a sense of happiness.  It just feels good to be in control!   And no, being spot on does not mean that I am not eating or just eating one thing.  I'm eating nice quantities of food.  It's amazing that when you are choosing healthy options that you can eat a decent quantity.   It reminds me of the book that used to be a big hit..'this or that'. You see, I can have one serving of chips for 140 calories (give or take) OR I could have a serving of applesauce, grapes AND a string cheese for roughly the same amount of calories.  I'm not saying that I won't have the chips...some days are just 'chip days'....but if I'm choosing the correct foods, I don't have to eat 'less'.

And just to prove that I'm still eating normally and not depriving myself...YET still staying in the correct zone of calories..... why yes, that is the biggest loser on the tv,...and why yes, I have cats that LOVE ice cream!  

Ethel (right) and Desi (left) both eyeball my ice cream

On Monday the bank was closed so I was off work. Hip hip hurray!   Todd didn't have to work until 2, so we headed up to town,  What did we do?  Why we went to the gym!  I spent a half hour on the treadmill running.  I then moved to the upright bike for thirty minutes on a hill climber program.  I was sweaty but feeling great when I was done. 

From the gym, Todd and I headed out to lunch.  We went to a small eatery called Cafe Del Sol.  I got a turkey wrap (no cheese, the calorie buster is the flavored mayo on the sandwich....but OHHH so worth it) and the field greens with a balsamic vinaigrette instead of their homemade chips.    Not bad in terms of calories.   I was happy with my choices.  I felt satisfied with the food I ate and proud of myself.  

After a quick trip to the store, we went home and Todd almost immediately left for work.  I sat down and did some work on my computer, worked on some laundry and did some things around the house.  I contemplated working on some scrapbook stuff, but when I looked at the clock I realized that by the time I got it set up I would be heading out the door.  

Where would I be heading???  Well Monday night is my normal zumba night.  Since I was home and feeling so awesome, I decided that if one hour of zumba sounded fun than two hours would send me into total rapture.  Yes, I headed out to a double session of zumba. I have fun at zumba, I wasn't thinking about the exercise...I was just thinking about the fun and camaraderie that the extra hour would give me!!!

The first hour of class I was on fire!!  I had a pep in my step and I was pushing myself hard.   I was feeling GOOD.  The fifteen minute break came and I stopped moving to talk to my friends and get some extra water before starting round two.  (Technically round three of exercise for the day.)  I don't know if  if was just that my legs were about shot by then or if it was that minimal 15 minute break but the second hour was ROUGH.  The natural pep had totally disappeared from my step.  I had to mentally tell myself to jump and move.  I had to make a concerted effort to push myself.  Even then, I allowed my body to work at the level that I was comfortable with, afterall, I was working on three plus hours of exercise for the day.  I was just having fun.    

I came home from zumba, had dinner and took a shower.   Some nights after zumba (or a really hard workout) I get home and I am totally freezing.....shivering cold.  I stayed in the living room for a few minutes but then decided that I was just COLD.  I decided to go to bed and read!   I curled up under my blankets, petting my cats (they took turns visiting me) and read for a bit.  By the time Todd got home, I was sound asleep!

Today was the big day of the projected snow.  I woke up and it was just starting to fall. I am supposed to be at work until 10.  I know for a fact that we are open for business, so I'll be heading out the door for work in a bit.  I'm only hoping that they realize that the snow is coming down steadily and that it is only going to get worse and thusly send us home at a decent hour.  Like noon....(the news is saying get out in the morning if you MUST go out, but be home by noon). .....however, I have my serious doubts as to getting released early today....

Mind games

As I've written a few times in the last few days, I didn't have a stellar week last week.  I ate way out of control.  I admit it..  It is what it is....it's the past and there is nothing to do but to move on.  I'm not happy with it, but I'm  ok with it.   As I also mentioned, my weight was up on my official weigh in day....Friday morning.    Once again, it is what it is.....I may not like it but I need to accept it.

I accept accepted it but also looked deeply at what needed to be done to correct the problem.  I weighed myself and decided immediately what plan of action I would be taking.  Todd asked for Breakfast Pizza that morning.  My recipe is really tasty...but kind of high in calories.  One slice is about 315 calories.  I will freely admit that I have eaten 2 slices and possibly even three before.  OF all things caloric speaking, that's a lot of calories in one meal....almost my whole daily allowance!   I sat down after my weigh in and planned out my food intake for the day.  Dinner, lunch and breakfast.  I planned out exactly how big my serving would be for our dinner meal.  I planned my lunch and I got to breakfast.  I had enough calories for one slice of breakfast pizza and some applesauce.  I made the pizza and served it up.  I served Todd his typical serving of two slices and placed my one piece on my plate.  It was extremely tasty!  I fought the urge...I wanted to stand up and grab another slice of breakfast pizza so bad!  I went round and round in my head. My body was screaming at me that I needed that other slice.  I was still hungry after all!  My mind and my desire to be thin eventually won the battle and I cleaned up breakfast and went on with my morning, even though I was still a bit hungry.   About  an hour later I made a startling realization.  I wasn't remotely hungry.  I hadn't needed that slice of breakfast pizza after all!!!!

I was strict with my calorie budget on Friday and Saturday.  On Saturday that lesson of not needing food that I had convinced myself that I desperately needed was replayed.  My hunger is in m mind. I just need to remind myself that if I plan out my food with thought and care that what I plan to eat is honestly enough for my body!    Easier said than done!

So it's Sunday evening......I rocked Friday.  I rocked Saturday..and why yes, I did actually rock my eating today too! 

I didn't exercise Friday or Saturday but I was active today.  (Although I will admit that I wanted to cancel my morning walk with my friend.....seriously, it was cold out there!  I didn't...nor did she!).  So that's my next order of business....get that exercise back in line.  (ok, so I actually exercised 4 days this last week...that's not bad.)

Well then.......

Friday morning weigh in was not too spectacular.  I know what I did.  Or rather what I did not do.    Ok, let me get it over with....I gained 0.3.  It could have been worse...but there is still no excuse for it. I ate too much.  I tracked it all...but I just ate too much!

Exercise has been spotty too Why?  I got a new laptop on Wednesday.  I have been trying to move stuff and get everything set up on the new laptop.......and phase out the old one.  I was stressing out because I was halfway onto the computer and half way still on the old computer.  Files were being put in both places and I'm just hoping that I have everything and don't lose anything important.  So I've spent all my spare time trying to get that squared away.  I see the light at the end of the tunnel.  :-)


So no excuses.  I made the choices that led to a 0.3 gain.....I'm just going to aim to do better this week!  So far, I'm totally on track!!!!!

Fix it

Well another week has passed in this year.....so how did I do on week two....

Not so good!

     

Tracking...check
       I tracked my food everyday.  NO matter if it was good or bad.   

Stay within food budget....FAIL
       Surprisingly, on my 'free day' I remained within my calorie budget.  I fell apart on other days.  Go
       figure.
Exercise.......check
       I squeaked this one out....but managed to make it happen.
Water.....fail
      I don't quite know what happened on this one, other than I just didn't tip the glass up enough times.


This is a good reminder to me.   Fix the problems!  

I think I may like this weekly update...because it has made me really look back at my week and honestly face what I did and where I slipped up.    Slipping up is not a failure (even though I put the word fail beside my weekly goals I did not reach).  The failure is not recognizing it and allowing it to continue.  Failure is ignoring the issues letting one bad week turn into 2 bad weeks.   You see, we all know what happens with two bad weeks........it turns into 2 bad months!   Failure is NOT making a mistake.....failure is not seeing it and correcting it.

So some self tough love for myself, "MaryFran.....Fix it!"

Meanwhile, I'm working on a few things in my life that I've always wanted to work on.  Things that have been in the back of my mind as something I would 'love' to do and say I have done.  It's better to attempt something and say "it didn't happen' versus be old and say "I wish I would have tried that."    So stay tuned for updates on those projects!   This is my year to find me again.   How will "I" look at the end of the year physically and mentally is the question!!!!