Juggling the Balls of Life

Over the years, I have written pretty openly about my weight loss journey.  I have alluded to other aspects of my life, but it hasn’t been until recent years that I really started to share more and more aspects of life.   In the last year or so, I have mentioned my emotions and mental state a bit more.

I talked about my feelings a bit back in July of last year in this post where I talked about everything going on and how it was overwhelming to me.  I talked about being a mess for a few days.  What I didn’t mention was that the few days were more like a month of battling tears, anxiety and depressive feelings.   I knew that my feelings were all situational and that when things with my job and everything else straightened out that everything would right itself.

Life started to get back to normal and I slowly started to feel a bit more ‘normal’ and not quite so sad and upset That didn’t last long because by the end of November I was writing about a panic attack that I had.  I just couldn’t get a break.   I pushed through everything and kept going.   These feelings would fade, right?  

It’s been over a year now since I first started to allude to these struggles.   Some of the situations have righted themselves but they just created new ones in their place. My insecure job from last July became secure again….for three months then it became insecure again for another 2-3 months.   Then it became secure but my new team/position is highly stressful and made worse because I am learning the job but expected to know it all irregardless of the fact that I just joined the team. And that is just one of my life examples.

I am struggling.  Big time struggling.  Tears are always just beneath the surface. I am struggling to put one foot in front of the other.  Life is just hard right now.  The other day I came up with the perfect analogy.  I am like a juggler, juggling 24 balls in the air, but I feel as if the balls are all falling to the ground.  I pick them back up as quick as I can and recommence the juggle but inevitably they fall  back to the ground as I fail.  Kind of ironic since one of my biggest fears is the fear of failure. 

Seriously, I feel as if I. am even failing as a dog mom.  Sure, the dog is walked for potty breaks, the dog is fed.  She is loved.  But she and I are in a battle for dominance and while I jokingly say out loud that it’s neck in neck, I honestly think the dog is winning.    (This is a big Newfie trait …the battle for dominance as a puppy, the selective hearing,…and this stage goes from 6 months to up to 3 years of age. Once we get past this stage, we should have the ‘gentle giant’ as adult newfies are known).    Have you ever tried to control a 90 pound stubborn dog/puppy that is fighting your authority?      

I’m obviously failing at weight loss.  Sure I’m slowly trending down…but I’m not setting the world on fire with weight loss.  I mean, at this rate I may reach my goal….in about 10 years.   Take your pick, am I winning or failing?  

Tears are constantly just beneath the surface as the balls that I’m juggling drop again.   I’ve tried to pare down to the bare minimum life responsibilities.  I’ve cut extraneous things (quilting, dollhouses, YouTube, etc) to try to ease how  overwhelmed I’m feeling.  But nothing is working.  I’m  struggling.   I feel like it’s been ages since I actually laughed, a real laugh.   I worry that my depressive mood will drive a wedge between Jason and I.  Our relationship is ok and is thankfully NOT a cause of stress…but the worry that my feelings and depression  will harm it and just causes me more panic.  

I’ve been so depressed and 

I don’t have an answer or a solution. And honestly this has been a difficult post to even write to really out my feelings and struggles  out in the open.  But this is life.  This is part of my weight loss journey.  (Stress eating at its finest the last two mornings with homemade pancakes.)   I’m not giving up though.   I’m going to keep posting here.  I’m going to keep trying to lose weight and continue to try to push through this sadness.   I’ll make it through this storm cloud.  The sun will once again shine on me.  

It Was A Bust

This week was a total bust!    I made myself promises and vows and I went belly up on all of them!  It was just one of those weeks!

I wrote last week About my upcoming stressful week and boy was I right.  It was stressful.   No, as I wrote this on Friday morning before work let me rephrase that to say it IS stressful.   It was as confusing and messed up as I expected.  There is something horrible about working with someone that expects you to know the most basic of answers and you sit there and have no clue!  It’s a bad bad feeling and it was repeated time and time again this past week!   But it is what it is.  I have survived and I will continue to survive I’m sure.

In the midst of this week I had a job interview for a job promotion within my company.  I feel as if I spoke in riddles and didn’t have one coherent thought during the interview. Hopefully the two interviewers were able to understand my ramblings (or what I feel was ramblings).  If I get the job good...if not it’s ok.  It is a job that I have heard is one of the hardest jobs in our division of the company. It is also the stepping stone...pay your dues position...as I have been told by a few others. So   I’m ok with either outcome of the interview ...but seriously...and interview in the middle of a stressful launch???   But hey...I survived!

What didn’t survive?  My healthy eating goals.   I tracked nothing. I barely drank water.  I ate a lot more carbs then I should have.   I totally bombed on any semblance of trying to lose weight.  

It was so bad that last night I wasn’t hungry.  I knew I wasn’t hungry when started to eat dinner.  But dinner was something I don’t have often and something I love! So I ate it anyway!  And then I laid in bed all last night with a stomach ache!  I ate myself sick!    I haven’t done that in a long time...and I don’t like the feeling.  I won’t even vow to not do it again...because while I don’t plan on it, I know it will most likely happen.  Human nature.   But yeah, that shows how bad my eating has been.  

Right now I am just going to focus on one foot in front of the other.  This journey is hard and I’m struggling!!!

Effort: the effect on weight loss

Effort.  What a simple word.  Defined by the dictionary it means “a vigorous or determined attempt”.    We put forth effort all day and every day.  On those mornings where it’s really cold outside and you just don’t want to get out of bed and have to brave the cold to go to work?   You expend effort to get moving.  You put forth effort when it comes to cleaning your house, cooking dinner, completing your tasks at work.   All sorts of effort is expended.  But what about effort when it pertains to weight loss?  What effort is there?  How do our efforts parlay into success….or failure?

A while back I saw a statement on a blog that I regularly read .  It talked about effort and there was something that stuck out at me….a connection that I made in my head.   I popped the phrase into my data base in my mind and I sat on it a while.  I may be totally twisting what the message was in the original post, but it’s what has come around in MY head from a simple post!  So without further ado, I have two mathematical equations for you.  Ok, don’t panic…they are SUPER easy!

1.         Effort   =  The joy of success

2.        Lack of Effort  = absolute  failure

I told you they were easy didn’t I?  So simply put….if I put in the effort, I can reap the joys of success….but if I fail to even make an effort I fail.  Woah now…. So one brings most probablesuccess and the other one is absolute failure?   What kind of nincompoop would chose the absolute failure?    Who wants to fail?  No one!  It is human nature to want to be successful in all of our endeavors.

So once we get to this point in our thinking we can safely assume that to have success, you must have effort!  I will go further and say that if you never put forth any effort, that you will never be successful.  (I will qualify this by saying that there are extenuating circumstances that can bring around successful weight loss without effort….I mean….we could all have some horrible accident that causes us to break our jaw, requiring it to be wired shut for months……a liquid diet absorbed in pain may do the trick without actual effort!  But the AVERAGE person will need to expend effort to show success!)

Is there risk in the effort?  Well of course.   There is always a risk in pushing ourselves forward and putting effort into something.  But what rewards would you be able to reap if you try????  Amazing, joyful success!  

So it really boils down to a decision.  You can weigh the possible risk with the possible benefits of success?  But in the end, really think about it….because if you never try, what hope do you have of success?   NONE!

Failure: it’s a good thing

Embrace failure. Yes, I just said embrace it!!!   Its a fact of life.  It’s going to happen, so why not embrace it and plan for it?    We start the year with resolutions but then face failure when we stumble.  We start a new plan or goal and then along the way encounter a bump in the road and experience failure.  It is bound to happen. And so many times when it does happen we throw up our hands and give up totally.  So for this reason, I am welcoming failure and upheaval this year!  I am embracing that it is going to happen!

What in the world am I talking about? I am saying that in no way shape or form am I aming for perfection in this journey that I am on.   It’s not a sustainable concept or mission on life for me and probably not for most people!  Life happens and life is definitely NOT perfect. So why do we expect our diet and health plans to always be perfect? 

I tried the perfect route before!  Over and over!  I’ve drawn lines in the sand and said ‘this is it’ time and time again!   I have also had incredible success with the “let’s be perfect route” on this healthy journey!  One look at these pictures and you can see the success!

I achieved that success with total restriction!  Seriously, I remember days where I would have a perfect day and get to the end of my day with some calories (ww points) still left and I would reward myself...with a small glass of grape juice!  Seriously?  Grape juice as a reward???   I was striving for perfection.

While perfection DID work...it wasn’t sustainable!!!  Just look at my current picture and that is proven!!!

What happened????  Life happened!!!  I reached my goals and felt so amazing...but life happened.  I went on vacation    I had busy days at work.  I had a crumbling marriage.  Injuries.  You name it...but to sum it up...life happened!!  And perfection wasn’t as easily or even possible to achieve and I stumbled...I stumbled big time!

This time around I’m allowing and even accepting failure.  It will happen.  So why not embrace it and figure out ways to keep failure at a minimum?  But how??

The main thing is that  I’m not setting any major goals in terms of weight I will lose each week/month/year.  My goal for January was to be less on the scales.   If that was one measly ounce...awesome it would be less!!!   I’m committed to tracking every bite I eat!   With such easy and loose ‘goals’, I’m allowing for failure! I can eat what I want....I just have to track it!    Somehow the simple act of tracking my food works for me in that being cognizant and aware of the food going into my mouth has made me very willing to keep it under control and stay within a set caloric range!   But the freedom of not vowing to stay within that range and having to lose weight gives me the freedom to be completely honest with myself when it comes to tracking.  I don’t ‘forget’ to put in something that I ate.  I don’t ‘accidentally’ misjudge my portion sizes.  I just put it down in black and white and it’s ok if I fail for the day.  Ironically enough...on Monday I was sure I went over that range of calories...but I was determined to be utterly honest and track it regardless!  I allowed myself the room for ‘failure’ in my eating....I embraced the fact that I will falter.  And by embracing it, I took away the ‘I messed up’ mentality and turned it into a complete victory!!!   

As a side note, I was sure I totally blew my numbers on Monday.  But  when I did go in and track...even though I messed up, I found that I was really not that far off ...maybe 30 calories over!!   How many times have I given up and gone off track for days or even weeks and months in the past because I thought that I had blown it by eating too much??  It has happened over and over because I wanted and expected perfection  and when perfection didn’t happen (even just in my mind) I gave up in disgusted failure!   But how many times could it have been like Monday where I was sure I messed up and if I just would have tracked found that I was actually doing well???  This time I embraced the possibility of failure and found that I really didn’t fail at all!!!

Embrace it...because failure WILL happan!  

Giving up: the future

Sometimes I wonder about what I’m really doing in regards to this website/blog.  What is my purpose?  What is my mission?   Why am I here.  Why do I even continue trying to lose weight.

Let me start with the basics.   I struggle.  I struggle big time.  Yet I continue to write.   I feel like I write  and do the same things over and over.  And over.  I make plans....I have excuses.   I have some success...I have failure.  It feels like a repeating cycle.

So why do I continue to write the same things each and every week?  

After a bit of a pause (had to drive to work),  I have come to the conclusion that I write for me.  I continue to write because I am constantly learning and evolving.  I continue to write to chronicle this difficult journey that I have been on for so many years.  I continue to write because it gives me some small sense of accountability.

Why do I continue to try to lose weight when I am so obviously in a vicious cycle of small success then failure..success then failure?

I continue to push forward because I want to be healthy.  I push forward because I want to live to be an old woman with Jason....and in a healthy manner.   I continue to try because I want to buy cool clothes.  I continue to plot and plan because I want to be fit and active.

It is hard.   So many people stop writing when things get into this vicious cycle.  But I’m going to continue on.   I have big reasons to lose weight.  If I keep writing I will keep learning and keep evolving.   If I keep on, eventually this will all click and I’ll be victorious once again.

Fix it

Well another week has passed in this year.....so how did I do on week two....

Not so good!

     

Tracking...check
       I tracked my food everyday.  NO matter if it was good or bad.   

Stay within food budget....FAIL
       Surprisingly, on my 'free day' I remained within my calorie budget.  I fell apart on other days.  Go
       figure.
Exercise.......check
       I squeaked this one out....but managed to make it happen.
Water.....fail
      I don't quite know what happened on this one, other than I just didn't tip the glass up enough times.


This is a good reminder to me.   Fix the problems!  

I think I may like this weekly update...because it has made me really look back at my week and honestly face what I did and where I slipped up.    Slipping up is not a failure (even though I put the word fail beside my weekly goals I did not reach).  The failure is not recognizing it and allowing it to continue.  Failure is ignoring the issues letting one bad week turn into 2 bad weeks.   You see, we all know what happens with two bad weeks........it turns into 2 bad months!   Failure is NOT making a mistake.....failure is not seeing it and correcting it.

So some self tough love for myself, "MaryFran.....Fix it!"

Meanwhile, I'm working on a few things in my life that I've always wanted to work on.  Things that have been in the back of my mind as something I would 'love' to do and say I have done.  It's better to attempt something and say "it didn't happen' versus be old and say "I wish I would have tried that."    So stay tuned for updates on those projects!   This is my year to find me again.   How will "I" look at the end of the year physically and mentally is the question!!!!   

Get busy Living or Get busy Dying

Christmas is over......that means celebrations are over...at least for me!!!

A small collage of my day. (Emphasis on food...the relaxing in the living room was too boring to take a picture if)

So Chrismas is over......No more snacks at work (they will be there I'm sure but I will not be indulging).  No more continual desserts being made in my kitchen (cookies, cobbler, fried bananas, ice cream, etc etc etc).  I'm not waiting for the new year....it's happening NOW.

I recently read the book I'd like to apologize to Every Teacher I Ever Had by Tony Danza.   I have to admit, I was somewhat skeptical when I picked up the book.  I had actually looked at the book for ages before anteing up the money to buy it. (and only did so when I received a gift certificate...I'm such a cheapskate!)  I'm glad that I finally did pick up the book.  It was an emotional read for me.  The circumstances were a bit different (he was teaching high school and only one class where as I was teaching elementary school and was inundated with children all day long) but his stories and his experience resonated within me.  I was nodding my head along with his memories and experiences.  But even more importantly, for the first time in a long long time I felt the excitement of education and the feelings that had initially drawn me to that profession.   Was it enough to draw me back to teaching?   No....can't say it is at this time...but I will admit that the thought crossed my mind for a fleeting moment.  But as soon as that did, sanity was reclaimed....memories of teaching and knowledge of how schools are run now were enough to return myself to a state of sanity!!

But reading this book made me look deeply at myself.  It made me look deeply at where I stand (ha....as if I don't do that enough in December with the new year upon me and with my birthday year ending) in life.  The teaching thing has stood  in my life as a huge failure for 13 long years.  My ultimate dream growing up was to have a child......I got married and thought that my husband was on board with the same goal and desire...but after marriage his behavior and tone changed and now at forty-one I have to realize that I failed with that dream.  Fail!  My career (if you can even call it that...I have a job...it's not a career) is a big fat FAIL. (yeah, if you knew how much I got paid you'd agree!)  FAIL!!!!   My marriage......it's been a lot of fails.  I've lost the weight once and regained....fail.  I was losing this year..but stopped and actually started regaining....Fail.  Fail...fail...fail...fail.   It has seemed to be a common occurrence in my life.  FAIL!

However, this book by Tony Danza made me realize that picking myself up out of the ashes is where success is.  No, that was not the premise of the book.  But while I was being awed by the return of those idealistic feelings that I thought were gone....I was seeing the common theme that he was trying to push upon the kids in the book.  What was that common thought?   In my words.....basically that life is crappy sometimes.  Face it...it is....heartbreaking sometimes.   But success is  overcoming the adversarial stuff and succeeding in life.  It's continuing in school even when you are raised in an environment where education is not respected and encouraged.  Success is rising form the ashes of my failures and living a happy well adjusted life.  Success is pushing through the bad and coming out on top..successful and happy.  Winning is taking ourselves and using opportunities, experiences and just life and using it to push us to a better future.  If we sit back and allow life.....we will fail.

As if the book wasn't enough to open my eyes.....I stumbled upon a blog.  It was cowritten by a couple in their mid thirties.  They moved cross country....they bought their first house.....they remodeled that dream house...and literally as they moved into their house the husband was diagnosed with cancer.  The blog continued to chronicle their lives...but it also chornicled the two year fight and eventual death (as in he died within the last two days).  It was a heart wrenching read through this blog (and yes, very voyeuristic) but through it all, even as this gal watched her husband die....even while she's crying out her frustrations, she is holding her head up and carrying on...accepting life and being as upbeat as possible.  Makes my problems look minor...and makes me say "if she can go through that with grace and an upbeat attitude.......I can face my life the same way."

I don't know how to not dwell on these things that I deem failure.  It's incredibly difficult to not be saddened when I see my friends having children.  It's incredibly difficult to hold my head up and smile when my husband and I are going through one of our recurring rough spots.  It's HARD.   But in the words of Westley (the Man in Black)  in the Movie Princess Bride said.  'Life is pain, highness.  Anyone who says differently is trying to sell you something.'    And I just have to TRY.

I need to CHOOSE to be happy!  I need to CHOSE to live my life to the fullest within the confines that has brought me to this exact place.  I'm here for a reason.  I may not like the results of being overweight (ok, i'm still actually obese) but I'm here for a reason.  I may not like being childless...but for whatever reason....that is how I find myself.  I need to find joy in that state (and my niece and nephews certainly help that cause..they are awesome!).   Accept life for what it is!

And as if those previous eye openers weren't enough....(yeah seriously).  Today I was out running. (Yeah, I went running on Christmas morning) I heard the song Try from Pink......tell me these lyrics are not perfect for me!

Where there is desire

There is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame

Someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try try try

Gotta get up and try try try

You gotta get up and try try try

When I accept life and stop wallowing in the negative....I have a feeling that the weight will be much easier to lose....simple because I will feel like I DESERVE to be thin!

Although, in my mind I DO know that I deserve to be thin not matter what!  So right now.....In the words of  Red...played by Morgan Freeman in the movie Shawshenk Redemption.....IIt's time for me to "gett busy living or get busy dying.'     First thing up....the weight will come off and while I'm doing it....I'm choosing to be HAPPY!

Soooo...I actually made a committment to run a trilogy of 5k's...virtually...it's hosted by DVFfitness.com.  The first was on Thanksgiving....I did the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving day.  One down...two to do.  Today is Christmas and that meant number two was upon me.  I got out early.  I was the only person out on the battlefield this morning at 9AM.  It was cold.  I was TEMPTED to cheat and do just two miles.  But I knew that I would only be cheating myself.  I did the WHOLE thing...and then some!  Second 5k of the trilogy done!   One more to go!!!!!

Scaredy cat

I ended my last blog post with a line.  It was a simple line.  "I think there has been an athlete lurking under all my fat and she just may be trying to emerge."   I wrote that line, then deleted it.  I wrote it again and deleted it again.  Back and forth I went.     Seriously?  I wrote about my emotional stress that led to me not working out and to a small binge in that post.  I didn't care, I had no problem writing about it.  I wrote about my frustration with the rate of my weight loss and my conclusions as to why that could be....totally my fault.   I had no second thoughts about sharing that.  But I worried and stressed over sending the little stinkin' line that said that The athlete that had been lurking under the fat was being set free.  Why?

Why indeed?  Why would something as benign as that worry me.  Before I could second guess myself, I put it into the post and hit send.  After I had sent my post live I started to REALLY think about why it bothered me.

I've never been an athlete.  Well unless you consider a little girl in the early 80's who rode her bike up and down the road and pretended she was either Ponch or John from the tv show the Chips. (no, I can't remember if I was Ponch or John....isn't that sad?).   It was a passing fad.  My brother can verify that fact, he saw first hand how unathletic I was on many occasions.  At some point (midway through my high school years) he decided that his sister would be a great riding partner.  I was game (he probably bribed me to go!) and went along.  We went up and down roads.  It seemed to go on forever.  I was so tired.  It was an endless ride.    It was hot (seriously, we lived in Florida).   And did I mention that this ride was never ending?   I contend that I was just resting my forearms on my handlebars for a rest and lost my balance.  My brother says that I was simply going so slow up a slight grade that I couldn't stay balanced.  Believe who you want.....(ME ME ME). it was not a shining moment   OK OK OK, I will admit that I was going very slow and that I was NOT enjoying this hellishly long ride that he took me on.  (shhhh looking back we were probably not even 2 or 3 miles into the ride...but I'm not going to admit that!).     But anyway, my walk down memory lane just proves that athleticism and the name MaryFran didn't go hand in hand. As a side note, it took me about 10-15 years to get back on a bike (well, I did get back on that day, I rode like the wind to get home and clean the pebbles out of my knee!..but when I got off that bike I never once got back on it!) 

So I've never been an athlete.  So was that my issue with that sentence?  I'm not an athlete.  I'm a girl who is learning to like some forms of exercise.  Or maybe I should say I'm a girl that is learning to enjoy the challenge of pushing her body into zones and areas it has never been to.   But still, saying that out loud doesn't bother me...so why the indecision?

And then it hit.  It's fear.  (damn fear!)   Fear.  Oh yes, my frenemy and a frequent topic to this blog.  You see, if I put it down and admit that the athlete is emerging, then how will I feel in a year if I've turned back into a fat couch potato?    If I admit it then I will be the laughing stock if I fail.  I don't want to be a laughing stock.  I HOPE that this is a new lifestyle for me that lasts for the rest of my life, but seriously....what if it's not.  I'm 40 years old.  I have 40 years of bad habits pulling at me.  (well, except for my brief stint as Ponch or John!). I could and probably will slip in the future. I'm afraid of failing at this new lifestyle.   Fear of failure is a huge things with me.  But then I have to tell myself..... There is nothing to be afraid of.  All I can do is be true to myself and I will be fine!

  Fear is a debilitating thing.  Intrinsically I knew that I had to leave that 'scary' line in my blog post because I'm facing one fear at a time and knocking the fear out of the ballpark!

This newly minted athletic girl has stared this fear in the face and has decided that she will enjoy every day of this lifestyle that she is building.  If I slip...I will face it with my head held high knowing that even if I fail in the future that I have asked my body to do amazing things and my body responded favorably and I did things that I NEVER thought I could.   Fear is not allowed.....PRIDE is welcome!

Failure is NOT an option

I talked in my last post that I wasn't going to allow excuses in my life and that I had a plan to make sure that my snafu or not riding in the morning didn't mean that I forwent my planned ride.  I put my plan into motion.  I contacted my walking partner and asked her if we could delay our walk until 7:30.  That gave me a half hour to close up work, get home, change, grab my bike, my shoes for walking and get to the battlefield.  I would ride for an hour and then walk with Sherry after my ride.  It worked like a charm!

I got an hour bike ride in and I walked and got my chit chat session in.  It was all in all a good evening!

Soooooo I'm going to get the white elephant out in the open.  I bought my new bike and was so excited.  I knew it would be an adjustment but didn't expect too much difficulty.  Seriously, I ride my trek quite a bit...I rode it on Monday for 20 miles....it shouldn't be too difficult to ride a road bike.....right?   I however quickly figured out that my new bike threw me into a world of hurt.  Yes.  It's a painful experience.   It HURTS!

Lets start at the bottom. 

*My toes go numb when I ride.  I can't really say that it's anything to do with my new bike.  My toes go numb on my Trek too....so I'm not too concerned about that.

* My left foot HURTS.  I don't know if we attached the clip into the shoe a bit off or something (I'm going to have my brother look at it).  I know that I've had some pain in this foot for more than a year, so it could just be a combination of that issue and a different use of the foot.  I ignore this pain. 

* Hills.  I typically ride the canal on my Trek (or a rail trail).  It's relatively flat.   Hills make the thighs SING and burn!!!!   Not too concerned, this is just a problem that will happen and will ease up as I build up the different muscle set that is conducive to hilly bike ridng.

* Back.  Yeah, I'm more hunched over when I ride my lite speed.  My back feels it.  It gets stiff and achy.  Once again this will ease up as I get used to riding a road bike.

*My arms and upper body get SOOOO tired and achy as my hands and arms support my upper body on the bike.  I ache.   Once again.....just building up the body, muscles and getting adjusted.   It's all good.

So yeah, I'm in a world of hurt with this.  But I will NOT fail.  I will NOT let the bike beat me!   I know it's just a thing of DOING it on a regular basis.  I just need to remember that it WILL get easier!

SOooo on the bike tonight I was riding along and hurting.  I carried on a two sided conversation in my head. 

MaryFran:  I want to quit!!!!
Voice: Why?
MaryFran:  It hurts!
Voice:  Are you dying?
MaryFran:  No
Voice:  Then keep going.  Suck it up buttercup.

And I did.  I kept going and I didn't die. 

I'm planning on going riding with Todd on Saturday (weather permitting and he doesnt back out).  I've suggested the Washington and Old Dominion Rail Trail.  I've told him that I plan on taking my lite speed and riding that.  I've already informed Todd that I will probably be snivelling and cryng by the time we are done! (ok, maybe not quite that bad)

I will conquer this.  Failure is NOT an option.  I will get to the point that I can ride with my brother and not hold him back (too much at least).  I will conquer this and knock these bucket list bike rides off my list.  I will WIN!

Failure

Failure.   I feel like I'm failing.  Within the last few weeks (maybe months) I have been so gung ho about my exercise routine.  I've been planning and plotting.  The list of things that I've committed to and planned for include:
* Complete the C25K running training (completed)
* Commit to running through at least August 9th to see how my body progresses....to really give running (jogging) a fair shot . (which includes a 5k run in mid May and a 5k run on August 9th)
*  Continue with Zumba 3 times a week (more if I can make it to the gym)
*  Walk with Sherry 2-3 times a week.
*  Ride in Pedal to Preserve in early June (the 20 mile ride) This requires me to ride in preparation.
*  Ride the full length of the canal in September (184 miles)  Obviously this requires me to build up my endurance for 3 consecutive days of riding an average of 60 miles
* Complete the 30 Day shred...thirty days straight during the month of April
* Get to the gym

I committed.  I've been totally determined to see success and finish these things and knock them off my bucket list and/or feel a huge sense of accomplishment in myself.    The problem is that I work full time.  I do 99.9% of the housework (dishes, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc) around the house.  Logistically it's possible.  Seriously..Yes, I can get up and three mornings a week I can ride my bike.  Three mornings a week I can run.   Three-four nights a week I can go to zumba and the other two nights I can walk with Sherry and I can round out the walking series with our normal Sunday morning walk.  And since I'm getting up early to bike ride and run....I may as well tack on the extra 20 minutes early in the morning for the 30 day shred.  I mean, why as heck not!    My life is pretty well.....crappy...so it could work.  It gives me a purpose.  Does it matter that I'm waking up at 6AM...and not getting home until after 8PM.....and then trying to rush around and do the housewifely things????

Seriously, is this healthy for me?  Will my body even hold up to this?    Is it feasible.  All day Friday Todd and I were out and about in Lancaster, PA and I pondered this.  It was forefront in my mind because my arthritic knees were really bothering me.  I was torn.  I don't want to quit.  I don't want to fail.  I've spent half of my adult life running from things and thereby failing.  I've spent so much time being a failure.  I don't want to be a failure anymore.   I thought about it all day and decided that I would just push through.  Who cares...push myself.  SO my knees hurt...I can do it.  No pain no gain right?

And then.......two things happened that threw me over the edge in the opposite direction (toward failure).

The first thing was a talk with my husband.  He made it clear today that he doesn't want to ride much this summer.  Even though this was the year that we agreed that we were going to bike the whole canal..... Even though he has been talking about how much he wants to ride in Pedal to Preserve.......
he has made it clear that it was the garden or the bike....and he wanted the garden.  I personally think we can do both....but well............I've been overruled so my plans will be shelved.

The second thing was the onset of the garden season.  Spring planting started today.   We normally have our spring plants in by now...but it's been super cold and the ground was super wet.  So we planted everything indoors and just today we spent hours outside working int he garden and getting everything planted into the garden. (OK, not everything...we still have a few things to put in)   Every year when garden and yard work season comes up I am totally blown away by how much time it takes.  (Yes, we have a HUGE HUGE garden....and then it will be canning and preserving the harvest).  Today we worked for about 5 hours outside.  My job today?  I turned the soil to loosen it for the tiller.  We had gotten a load of dried manure (it pays to be friends with farmers) so I shoveled the manure into the wheelbarrow and carted it to the upturned soil.  I then emptied out the compost bins and carted that to the upturned soil. Wheelbarrow after wheelbarrow.  Todd then came through it with the tiller while I worked on the next row.  Hours of shoveling.   When we got  row tilled, raked and set up (we had to put up fencing for what was going in) we planted the seedlings that we started indoors.  I didn't want to pull out the hose yet for this year.....so I filled  5 gallon bucket of water and carted that around...refilling numerous times....so that I could plant the seedlings. 

I didn't get to any kind of formal exercise today.  I failed on the 30 Day Shred.  Yet, I worked my body harder and longer than had I completed the 30 day shred. Most likely tomorrow I'll be out in the yard again....finishing the prepping and planting of the spring garden.....working on prepping and working in the yard.  WORKING HARD.

I'm failing......but realistically I have to say that I can't do it all.    I am going to have to say that I can't do it all....I'm going to fail.  And it bothers me.....it bothers me greatly.   The 30 day shred is going to have to go.   I'm going to attempt it when the winter rolls back around and when I'm stuck indoors.  When I'm not overwhelmed with all the yard and garden  that crops up when you have a huge garden. The bike riding....well, I still want to ride my bike and it is still my plan to get a road bike and ride.  However, like my running, that will be on my own and I will not be training to ride in Pedal to Preserve nor will I be pushing to ride the canal on three consecutive days this year.

I will however, be sticking with my commitment to run 3 times a week.  I've made it this far...if I stop now when I go to restart running I will have to start at the beginning....and I do not want to do that.  I am going to put this desire to rest one way or another.     This is my time to run.

Zumba is not going anywhere.  I need that for the exercise and for the social aspect of it.  It is my outlet...my stress relief. 

My walks with Sherry are not in question.  How many a week, well that has always been a thing of scheduling...but my walks are not in question.  Sherry and I need our girl talk time.

I will fill in my mornings/days where I am not working in the garden with either a workout DVD (I was doing a step aerobic DVD in March and was diggin' it) or a trip to the gym.   

I'm not quiting exercise...I"m quitting the insane schedule and commitment that I had laid out for myself.  I'm not failing........I am evaluating where I'm at and I'm succeeding in recognizing the need that it's not working for me and being willing to face that fear of failure and readjust my plans and goals.

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On to different news.  Yesterday Todd and I were in Lancaster.  I kept samples at the food places to a minimum.  I drank water.  I did great.  We stopped at our favorite chocolate factory (Wilburs in Lititz, PA)  I did NOT buy any candy for myself.  Todd did...but not I.  I splurged and got myself a new hat.  I've been wearing hats when I workout.  (and turns out work in the garden also). My hair comes free with the activity and then drives me NUTS while it flops in my face...a hat keeps it under control and tucked away.  I felt very happy with my decision.  I didn't need the chocolate.  I got a long lasting hat/ 

Stress relief

How often has this comic strip happened in my past.  Throughout 2009, 2010, 2011 and 2012 this comic strip was my life.  It's actually not very comical.  Yeah, it shows me that I'm not alone.  But it reminds me of  my failures during not one, not two, not three but four long years.  Four years in which I gained 70 pounds of the 135 that I had previously lost.  Four years of feeling miserable because I had no control over my addiction, my body and my life.  No, that isn't funny at all.     I've turned it around though and I'm absolutely amazed at how incredible I feel.  I feel on top of the world.  Yeah, life still has many suck factors. But there is something to be said for taking control of something that previously was spiraling out of control.  It really does change my whole demeanor about life.  I teetered on the edge of depression for most of those four years. (OK, some friends would say that I actually fell over the cliff into the pits of depression.  LOL)  But miraculously, I got my eating under control and the depressive feelings have eased up.  The world doesn't look so bleak. 

Last night at Zumba I was talking to some of my zumba peeps.  We were talking about what an awesome workout it is.  But then we segued into the other side affects that working out has.  We unanimously agreed that when we are stressed out the last thing we WANT to do is to go to zumba...however we all KNOW that it is the only thing that we SHOULD do!   We talked about the healing properties that stomping our feet and blowing off some steam in the form of exercise.  Working out is not just for our health.  It is for the whole body.   Like I said, I HATE the process of starting exercise.  I dread starting, I dread it all.  I even sometimes hate the process of exercise.   However, I LOVE the after effects. I love that wide awake alive feeling that infuses my body when I'm done.  I love the sense of peace and happiness that overtakes me.  I love the sense of accomplishment and pride.  I love love love the aftereffects.  So I keep pushing on through the hate stages because I know what comes afterward!

 

Feeling stronger everyday

I saw this the other day and little did I know that it was going to have such a profound impact on my mentality later this week. Yesterday I listened to my body and did no exercise.  I was starting to feel better but just still felt sluggish and run down.  I did however have to do some work in the kitchen.  Mainly, I had to make cookies for a workshop that our business is hosting on Saturday and I had to make Chocolate covered cherries (filled with cheesecake filling) for a co-workers going away party today (Friday).  I ate my food...and then I had a cookies worth of cookie dough and a baked cookie.  I then had a chocolate covered strawberry.   Yes, I went over my allotment of calories for my day.   Yes, I tracked!

I had planned on making a few kinds of cookies.  I however stopped baking midway through my baking marathon.  Why?   Because I knew that I had already consumed too much and that if I kept baking, I would consume more.  I KNEW I would.  There was no talking me out of it.  I KNEW it would happen.  So I stepped away from the kitchen.

I am at war with myself.  Part of me wants to scream that yesterday was a total failure.  I didn't manage to stay within my 1300 calorie goal.  HOWEVER, I was only slightly over 1500 calories.  I didn't blow it and eat 3000 or 4000 calories.  I went over by 200 calories.  Which is still a respectable calorie count.  Was it what I am for?  No.   Was it terrible?  No.    So I am going to count yesterday as a victory.  It could have been MUCH MUCH worse....but I kept my eating in line to lose (just not at the rate that I normally do).  Meanwhile, I learn from my mistakes.  :-)  That is what is making me stronger!

Today...potluck at work.  GRRR   I'm really going to do my best to keep this under control today!!!  I don't know what dinner holds, so I can't even say I've got 'such and such amount of calories."   So I am being tested and I WILL SUCCEED!

Ok, I actively decided to take Saturday as a 'day of rest' and not weigh and just eat normally. That turned into two days. Holy Hell. Last night for dinner I had frozen yogurt and doritos. (WTF?....but it was yummy).


My weight today..... up!   In defense....the monthly scourge...the ever reoccuring monthly ick is upon me. (which affects my weight) andI did also drink near next to nothing yesterday. But Those are excuses (they may be valid) but I'm just going to say my eating did it and refocus. GRRRRRR

So my victories for the weekened?  Well I can say that I had that frozen yogurt and the doritos and I stopped there.  But my major victory?  We went to breakfast on Sunday morning.  I wanted pancakes and also home fries.  My normal behavior would have been to order a stack of pancakes and the side of home fries.  I ordered a SINGLE pancake and the home fries.  And I felt fantastic.  I was in control and I wasn't stuffed!  That is a true victory!

Rode my bike 21 miles on Saturday afternoon.  The last two miles pert near killed me.  OK, I wasn't near death....but I just wanted that ride to be over during those last two miles.  I made it back to the car perfectly safe and sound.  I was happy becuase my foot doesn't hurt when I ride.  My foot really is only bothered by activities that have any kind of impact.  I can do light walking....for a short period of time.  Any length of walking and the repetative impact gets it to aching.  Zumba...well, we don't talk about what that makes my foot feel like....more on zumba later....  So I made it to my car.  I was tired but I felt good.  I lifted my bike up to the top of my car.  I thought the bike was seated in the mount so that I could let go.  I was wrong. The bike started to fall over on top of me.  I did what anyone would naturally do.  I reached up to grab it and to protect my body from the falling bike.  As best I can tell.....my pinky was pushed back against the top side of my hand...(very unnatural position, I garauntee you).  So my pinky is all swollen and I can barely move it.  And when I do move it pain shoots through my hand and up my arm.  JOYOUS.   I think it's a bit better today....so hopefully it will heal on it's own.

Zumba....I know that my foot aches from the pounding impact.  I know that whatever this injury to my foot is, is not helped by Zumba.  But I so don't want to give it up.  Zumba to me is a release. It has somehow morphed into something more than just an hour of exercise.  It's almost like I need it for my 'mental well being' or something.   That is why I go...even though i know that my foot will ache during and afterward. 

I've tried to take a few weeks off and not do the impact....but it just doesn't seem to help.  SOOOOO  After my vacation, I'm goign to go to the doctor.  (not goign before...hell if he's putting me on crutches before my vacation!)

Change of plans

You know, I had a whole long post planned about my woes in training. Namely a bit of sore (a follicle cyst actually) that rubs when I ride. (Mainly on the exercise bike). But things changed.

I was humbled by my blog. I started writing my blog as an outlet for my feelings as I have followed this path to good health. I thought that it would be a great way to keep a record of the ups and downs of my journey. Basically chronicling my weight loss. I didn't know it would take this long, and I didn't have any idea how many times I would slip. But I did. Somewhere along the way I picked up some readers. Cool...but my blog is still my outlet, my place to be open and honest with myself about what's happening. I let it all hang out on here (in regards to my weight loss efforts). Today I received something in the mail (thank you Valerie!) that really brought me up short and made me realize how much my words and thoughts are being read. My words, my struggles have the capacity to help others even as I still feel as if I'm failing miserably in this journey. I realize that true failure is giving up. But, in the strictest sense of the word, I have felt like a failure of late. I have gained weight and I'm struggling to get it back off. (Even today...supposedly my day two of being on track, I ate too much at lunch...not bad stuff...but just more than I needed). But admitting the issues is not failure. Failure can only occur if i throw in the towel and say I don't' care, I"m not going to try anymore.

And that long paragraph is there to say that I shouldn't feel like a failure....yes, I've gained a bit back...and I'm struggling....but I've not given up, which is the only sure fire failure!

OK...I will give a brief highlight of the happenings:

*Yes, yesterday I did really good with eating and drinking. Today I overindulged at lunch. I had cottage cheese, strawberries, applesauce, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and not one...but two 1 point weight watcher cookies! With what is planned for dinner, I'll be a bit over my points. I was thinking in terms of failure before I got my mail at the post office...but I'm not going to do that anymore. Soooooo looking at it successfully...here goes. While I ate too much according to my new standards. I can guarantee that there 'twas a day that what I ate for lunch would have been considered an appetizer.....and a pretty lame one at that. My overindulgence (other than the 1 point cookies) was all healthy foods. Foods that are good for me. I didn't overindulge in foods that were unhealthy for me (well, except for the cookies...but even they were at least 1 pointers instead of the high pointed homemade ones).
*My weight dropped this morning. I did good yesterday and saw a drop on the scales. (maybe I'll take every ones advice and ignore the scales for the next few days). The positive. I can see how a day of healthy 'living' can make a difference.
*Training continueth. I rode last night. I didn't ride this morning. It was really overcast (Of course I come to work and the sun comes out and dries up the roads). The positive. Todd and i are planning on going out tomorrow for a long ride. I was nervous about doing a big hilly ride today and still having some energy in my legs for tomorrows ride. So the decision making was taken away from me.
*At the risk of giving TMI, I have a bit of a problem. The saddle on the upright exercise bike rubs me in a bad way....and has caused a bit of a sore. No, this is not a failure...it's a minor little problem that will be attended to. The positive.....well, I can say that this is my first ever sports injury! At 315 pounds my name and the phrase 'sports injury' were never uttered in the same breath!

Positive thinking!!!

Deep thoughts

I just wrote something in an email that really struck me. It's profound...ok at least to me!

A bad day or eating is not a failure...it is 'life'. Stop thinking that it is! We're going to have those days. The failure is if we let that one day of eating freedom turn into two days...or three, or a week! How we react to these days is what will make or break us! We need to learn how to emotionally suck it in, put it in the past and move foward! I know, I know, it's easier said than done!

I lost 1.6 pounds this week. I'm pretty happy with that! However, I'm pretty ticked off with myself.....because I came home and gorged myself on food. But I need to keep my thought from above in my head....the failure will come tomorrow if I continue gorging myself (or even in a few minutes or an hour) Maybe that's why what I wrote was so profound to me...because it really touches me and what I'm feeling right now!