lucy

lucy, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yes, this is my doll baby Lucy. She's having some issues as she is not really happy that we have brought a kitten into the house. BUT, Lucy hates to have her picture taken so to get a picture of her so calm and still is somewhat rare. How did we do it? Last night we had lil' mertz out in the living room and we were playing with her. Desi and Ethel of course joined in on the fun. Lucy sat and kept her eye on the imposter kitty. You can see the intenseness in her eyes can't you?

My weight.....gonna go down. I did drop a bit this morning on the scale, so I'm tickled with that.

I think for me, I'm actually living my worst fear. My biggest nightmare. That utterly terrible thing. Losing a lot of weight and then slowly gaining the weight back. Yes, I've still lost over 100 pounds....but barely. If I gain back 5 more pounds, I'll lose tha 100 pound goal status. Yes, 100 pounds is still an incredible feat. But I KNOW that I'm not at a healthy weight for me right now. I do think my 180 weight was a nice weight for me. Yeah, I could have stood to lose a bit more...but it was a good weight. But that said, I no longer weight 180 pounds and I have done what I said I would never do...and that is gain weight. Well, not specifically gain weight. I knew that I woudl gain some and lose some....just not in the amount that I have done. AND not to push myself back over that 200 line. I think that I need to get past that feeling of being an utter failure and stop worrying about my worst fears. I'm already living my worst fears and I'm still alive to talk about it.

Yes, yes yes, I know..I can turn this around and stop living my worst fear....and I'm trying!

I was reading a blog entry (sorry, I can't remember which) and the person talked about how they had been eating poorly and they were feeling sluggardly and just icky. Well hello! I have the same problem when I eat poorly. And I think about it and realize that it is my food choices and I'm like "wow, that's somewhat cool that my body is telling me that it doesn't like that junk food". But time and time again i give it the junk food. Go figure. Wonder how long it takes to learn a lesson. (in my case a long time apparently).

Interestingly enough, Todd and I have been eating a heck of a lot of produce from the garden. So mostly a vegetarian diet. Oh yeah and of course organic...no bad icky stuff added to our soil or sprayed on our plants and produce. And voila...his IBS has disappeared almost totally this week.

double chocolate zucchini cake

double chocolate zucchini cake, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

http://maryfransmenu.blogspot.com/2009/08/double-chocolate-zucchini-cake.html

I'm going to cheat on my entry today. I was writing an email to a friend and kept saying to myself...wow, I need to say this or talk about this on my blog. I finally decided to just copy and past the email. I have changed the names to protect the innocent. Oh wait.....it's all about me and I'm definitely not innocent!

Well......once again I'm disgusted to say that my weight is up. I don't know what is wrong with me. I want this so badly...but i just can't seem to get control of myself. I literally will be saying, "I'm not going to eat that piece of cake" WHILE I'm picking it up and shovelling it into my mouth! Maybe I have mental issues. LOL


Turning a new leaf....gonna change and just simply 'do it'. Somehow get my mind and my actions on the same page! (are you feeling a sense of de ja vu?)

Tonight Todd and I are going grocery shopping. He has something scheduled for Saturday morning (I work...no biggie) but the rest of the weekend is free. So I want to get the groceries out of the way. :-) So last night I got everything that was possible prepared for tonight's meal (it's a vegetable stir fry type of meal that I found in this book that I have...that I love...nothing has tasted bad that i've made out of it. Anyway, this recipe uses....are you ready? zuchinin!!!!) So dinner tonight is vegetable skillet thingy, minted green beans (sounds interesting doesn't it?) applesauce and I saved two small pieces of a cake I made last night for dessert.


Yes, I baked last night. I made a low fat double chocolate zucchini cake. Zucchini muffins. Dill Yeast Bread. And of course the next steps to the pickles that I'm working on. :-) Wait wait wait....before you panic and think that my leaf will not be turned. The zucchini muffins are for Todd's breakfasts. (I don't like nuts...so if I put nuts in them I won't eat them). The double chocolate zucchini cake has been cut into servings and brought to work. I did save out two small pieces for our dessert tonight. Other than that..the cake is already out of my house. And the dill bread....I'm not a big fan of dill....but Todd loves it! Crisis averted!

Wednesday Update

harvest, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yesterday....I ordered so carefully at lunch yesterday while I was out with my friend. I ordered a turkey sandwich and got a salad. BUT then we split a dessert. And when it came it was HUGE. 4 people could have had it and the serving size for each would have STILL been bigger than we should have had. YIKES! Todd and I did work outside some yesterday afternoon. As I was working outside I walked through the garden. I swear, on Sunday I picked that garden clean! And I pulled a ton of stuff out of there yesterday! Soooo after working outside, I ended up working inside and made a batch of tomato sauce, put the cukes into a brine of lime to make some more pickles. Breaded the zucchini and froze that (flat on a cookie sheet, I'll bag them tonight). I chopped and foze the green peppers. And the jalapeno and banana peppers I prepared and froze. Then I made dinner. Fried zucchini, plums and baked corn. YUMMY!

This morning I woke up and made us breakfast...chipped beef gravy. This is the only beef product that I still like. Go figure. And then we headed outside. We worked outside for about an hour and then I went in and cleaned the house. Joy joy. So here I am at work. A 6 hour day today. Home this evening and I need to rinse the lime cukes and put them on to soak for the next step in the cinnamon pickles (then at 9 I'll have to put them on the stove to simmer for a few hours). And I also need to rince the salt from the other cukes that have been soaking in salt water for the last week and pour boiling water over those so that they can soak in that for the next 24 hours...they will be sweet icicle pickles. I'm hoping to get some kind of exercise in between pickle steps tonight! Well, between pickle steps and between giving lovin' to lil' mertz. I feel so bad for her because she's cooped up in the master bathroom by herself!

Best laid plans seem to fail. I got home and Todd was out picking up gas for the chipper....he got home and by then it was 7. He was like, lets just work tomorrow and not work outside tonight. Well, part of me was tickled to death because I really didn't want to work outside last night, I mean...wasn't the morning weeding enough? (haa haa haa) So I wasn't overly upset. But this morning I look back and want to kick myself. The reason? Dinner was planned around our heavy outdoor work. I had chosen a meal for dinner that was a littler higher in calorie count. I try to plan those types of meals around our activities. When we are active, I can make those meals. When we are more sluggardly I make the lower calorie count meals. Makes sense. UNTIL something throws a monkey wrench in the works. The rain threw that darn monkey wrench on Sunday. Plain laziness and time constraints did it yesterday.

Somehow, someway...I have to balance everything that's going on in my life. It seems as if I run run run and get stuff done...but no where near enough of what I need/want to get done. Yeah, the canning is caught up (as of SUnday night) and the weeding in the garden is done. The laundry is halfway done, the house is relatively clean and I did work yesterday. But did I get any formal exercise in the last two days? No! I bought some antique bottles for my collection on Saturday. I haven't had the chance to even look at them until this morning...and all I did was unwrap them so that the bags were not sitting around. How does one chose what is important? I'd say that exercise should be right up there. But yet we eat the produce from our garden year round...so I'd say canning is right up there also. Work? Well, yeah...that's pretty darn important. Clean clothes? Saturday was a day for me.....mental health...I had to take a break from it all. I guess I'm balancing it all except for exercise and I just don't know how to effectively get that in. ARRGGGHHH

Woke up this morning and forgot to weigh myself in my haste to get out and weed some beds. We got most of the flower beds weeded and all of the strawberry beds done. Woo hooo! How exciting is that. Hopefully when I get off work tonight we can go out and run the chipper and get some more mulch on those beds.

I haven't put my food into a planner, but I plan on doing that soon. Actually I haven't entered my food for the last few days. Just too busy!!! I will fix that here soon!

Here I am. Today was supposed to be a 'work in the yard' day. Our strawberry patch and perennial beds REALLY need weeded. We were also going to work on the chipping (clearing land to put up our storage sheds..yeah, the ones we bought a year ago). But the chipped matter is great mulch...so after weeding those areas, they would get another layer of mulch. We had a full day. BUT at around 6 I started to hear the rumbles. By 7AM, it was a torrential downpour. Uhhh, no yard work for us. Soooo I improvised. We headed out to the local orchard and I picked up my peaches for the year. Yup, 1 bushel and 43 pints of peaches later and here I am. While I did the peaches, I also did tomatoes (from the garden)....running them through my food mill and then cooking them down into sauce (7 pints). Green peppers. Yup, did some of those also (freeze them). Zucchini??? Why yes, I do believe I'll do some of those 14 cups of shredded zucchini have been added to my freezer stash. Whew. Busy day.

Lunch today was egg salad sandwiches and a vegetable pasta salad that I found a recipe for. REALLY good recipe. Dinner was a Pesto pizza. YUMMY! That was a new one.....and it was really good!

Who knows what my weight is.....and tomorrow...eii yiii yiii, because I'm working on my SECOND can of diet soda (sodium)

I have been worried. I have only been on my bike aboug 3-4 times in the last two months. I've got another bike ride coming up a month from now. How in the world was I going to do??? Well, today Todd and I headed up the road. We hopped onto the rail trail outside of Hancock and rode up to the current end of the rail trail...about 12-13 miles one way. Which means we had to ride back that same distance. Yup, I rode 26 miles today! Felt WONDERFUL! I did splurge and have a chocolate chip cookie dessert. But other than that, I did really good with my eating today!!!!

I was writing an email to a friend this morning, to give her my weekly weight in our competition. More on that later. And it just hit me that I am the only one that can control my weight. I make the decisions. Yeah, people influence those decisions. But ultimately, it is me and me alone that is in charge of this weight issue. No excuses or blame...it's all on me.

Ok, so that was my deep thought for this morning. Come on now...it's Friday morning...give a girl some slack!

My weight. Well, it's down from where it was after my food fest last weekend. So that's good. It's still lower than where I was when I started this competition, so that's good. HOWEVER, it's up a bit from where I was before last weekend's feeding frenzy....so that's bad. But you know what...I made the concious choice to eat last weekend. I've made the concious decision to eat the last however many months to get to this point and it's up to me to make the concious decision to eat properly now to get myself back to the weight that I want to be at.

Soooo the other day a friend talked to me about how she's coming to the conclusion that her personal ideal weight may not be the best for her and that she is having to reevaluate her own personal goal. She mentioned that she was working to accept that maybe 10-15 pounds higher is her perfect weight and not her ideal weight (the weight that she wanted to be at.....the 10 pounds higher still keeps her at a good weight). She mentioned that to get to that lower weight that she had to work out like a demon and I know that most likely eat like a rabbit. She mentioned that she likes food and that she can relax and enjoy her food and stay at that slightly higher weight. It made me think. I was happy at 180 pounds. Yeah, I'd like to go lower...but I think it was a good weight for me. My body was regulated there for quite some time before I lost control and started to eat like a starving pig. SO my goal is to get back to that point! And then I'll just continue eating right and not let myself gain....but take whatever comes...either maintain there, or lose. NO pressure!

Tonight's dinner....turkey burgers and zucchini fritters. :-)



I made a half of batch of double chocolate chip cookies to bring in for our farewell party for my co-worker. I ate one this morning as they came out of the oven. I'm not tempted with them here at work. I kept out 2 for todd and I to have as dessert. They are ordering pizza for this farewell party. I plan on having ONE piece. I can do this. I know that it may push me higher on my calorie count. But I've got to learn how to manage these things without pigging out. I can have 1 piece of pizza. Once piece will not hurt me. One cookie will not hurt me either. I've got to get into the mentality that moderation of the good stuff is a good thing. I don't have to eat rabbit food (veggies and fruit) constantly. Yeah, I need to eat a lot of it...simply because it's healthy and it's a way that i can still eat 'lots' of food without ruining my calorie count for the day. But i'm really going to start focusing on quantity. Thus far, I've done the 'eat the smartest foods' so that I can eat a lot. I am going to start focusing more on portion control. I know that when I do eat less....I'm still satisfied. So I just need to do it. And I think it's going to be a thing of just forcing myself to eat less...I think I will always have that 'big eyes' thing that makes me want lots and lots of food.



Well, if that was not a ramble, I don't know what is!

I am going to make a concerted effort to write daily. Even if to simply write an update of how my day went or is going. I know that when I'm writing I'm more accountable.

Yesterday started out with a walk with my husband. I was so dead tired. Not mentally, but physically! It was terrible! But I went on that walk anyway. It was only a 30-45 minute walk, but at least it was a walk! I did ok with my eating. I splurged and had some popcorn in the evening, but I did have the calories left for it. The only thing that would have thrown me for a loop with it was the butter buds, which are not bad calorie wise...but sodium wise they may have affected me.

This morning Todd and I went for a bike ride. We did 35 minutes, once again, nothing major, but we did something. That's what matters. Eating wise today looks as if it will be ok. I've calculated my breakfast, everything in my lunch and also what we are having for dinner and I'm good calorie wise, so it's a good day. :-)

I haven't given up. I am just totally disgusted with myself. I stand in the closet and look at my clothes and I just don't know what to wear. Why? Because everything has grown tight and I will NOT buy new clothes the next size up! I'm disgusted with myself and what I write because I am constantly writing about how I'm going to do it this time...but then a few days (if that) later I'm back writing about how I failed...followed by another 'gonna do it' post....and then a 'failure' post. It's been a vicious cycle that I don't like. It's depressing enough to live in this cycle, but to write about it also is just ...well....more than I want to deal with.

Sooo I haven't given up. I'm just trying to regroup and get this figured out.

uhhh, I don't think the baby gate is going to work any longer, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

The baby gate that has thus far kept Mertz in her 'big cage' otherwise known as the bathroom, is no longer a viable solution to keep Mertz separated from the big cats.

whew, let me hang on, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I'm a bit wobbly up here, but it's rather interesting!

Let me explore a bit up here, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Now that I've figured out how to balance, let me explore a bit.

Yeah, what of it, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yup, I've gotten the hang of this perching on top of the gate.

Asleep on top of the baby gate, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Not only does the baby gate no longer work to keep her in the one room, she likes to perch on top of it and sleep. What a strange kitten. Ahhh but how to keep from loving her!

My weight was dropping and all was good....and then I had two carb laden days and my weight has jumped again. No problemo though. I know what to do to get it back in line.

Sooo I've been MIA on my blog for the last few days. Why? Well, it's canning season. For the last three nights I've canned green beans...with more to do in the VERY near future. (We've only picked maybe a third of them...if that, so we've got a good deal more to do this week). Soo I work my 8 hours and then I pick and can around my time at work. Even more, I've been rollin' out the pickles and the relish and the jellies too. So I've been just incredibly busy. Haven't give up though..this weight WILL come off. I'm goign to try to plan a little better. During canning season I tend to gravitate toward the easy to fix meals...which sadly enough tend to be higher calorie/fat/carbs...one or all of the above actually. :-)

Exercise. On sunday Todd and I threw the bikes on the car and drove half way to harpers ferry. We jumped onto our bikes and rode the canal the rest of the way to harpers ferry. We would have ridden the whole thing (about15 miles one way...so a 30 mile round trip) except that todd hasn't spent much time on his bike this year and I have been quite lax about riding the last month or so. Sooo I was nervouse about it. But I had not problem at all. My legs felt fine. I guess the constant standing an dmovement with canning is at least keeping my muscles limber. So anyway, we rode to Harpers Ferry locked up our bikes and walked across the bridge. We ate lunch in HF and walked around a little bit...looked in some stores, that sort of thing and then mosied back to the bikes and rode back to the car. It felt good to get out and do something. I think we are planning on doing something similar on Sunday. Although we are talking about taking a picnic lunch with us on the bikes and doing a ride somewhere. We'll have to see. :-)

day two for one thing and 57 left for another

57 days till my next bike event. Uhhh yeah, maybe if I keep writing this I'll actually get my butt onto the seat of my bike and ride! :-)

Yesterday evening I stayed right where I needed to be with my eating and I feel good about what I did. Today is a new day and I'm determined to make today a success also. Howver, I already talked myself out of exercise this morning. On the flip side, I did go out for about an hour and picked raspberries. Does that count for anything???? So anyway, I'm working on day two of being back on track. Tonight, after dinner and after those raspberries are all attended to (preserved, canned, frozen, whatever the mood strikes me to do) I need to move the ironing board in the bedroom. It's blocking the exercise bike...and it was piled with all the work clothes I've worn this week. this morning when I needed to iron, I just pushed all those clothes (which honestly need to make it to the laundry basket) onto the seat of the bike. Uhhhhh no wonder I didn't ride. I can't get to the bike, and if I could it's piled up! Ahhh good times.

Good times...Lil' Mertz (otherwise known as baby kitty) is doing really well. She's playful and growing like a weed. Todd calls her the poop machine as she eats and eats and well...that creates the poop. She's somehow learned the instinctive attack...you know where a cat crouches down and shakes their butt in anticipation. She's doing really good. She goes back to the vet for her shots next week! She 'lives' in our master bath but LOVES to come out to plan with the other cats. the only problem...she wants to explore and is QUICK...so she can get away from us quickly. Today I had her on the bed with me and before I could even call out a warning, she had run across the bed and jumped off. Litle wily thing that she is. So yes, my new baby is doing well. On the flip side....she's 'locked up' in that bathroom so much, that I pull her out every chance I can get...and that takes time....time away from exercise and whatnot!

It's been a few days. I'm still with it. Still struggling. Honestly I'm disgusted with myself for having to write that again and again! I've sat down and figured out every bite that I'm eating today...and I'm going to stick to the plan! I've already exercised today, so that's a plus. I'm going to focus on one day. Today. I know in my mind that the first day is the worst and that each day it will get just a bit easier. So I'm going to focus on today being that day that it all starts. ANd I look forward to tomorrow where hopefully it does get easier. :-)

I should be super motivated as my friend that i'm competition with has told me that she is looking at showing a loss. She peeked on the scales this morning and it was looking good. I haven't peeked....so I've no idea how I've been doing. That scares me a bit. I like knowing. Tomorrow I just may have to say "lets not worry about 'lil mertz and just go about my normal daily routine." That's easier said than done though as she afixes her little cute eyes upon me and I just can't resist playing with here...and then it puts me out of my routine...and I forget to weigh."

I did push myself and exercise today. Let me tell you, it was ROUGH. No...not the muscles. Not the pain. I didn't experience anything like that. What was rough was the one and a half hours that I laid in bed reading.....THINKING about exercising. Dreading it. Trying to talk myself out of it! But i didn't. I got up and got on that exercise bike.(Come now, you didn't expect me to actually drag the bike off the porch and put on helmets and stuff like that and actually leave the house did you?) HOpefully that gets easier each day also...because I really do want to get myself back into good riding shape.

Speaking of riding. 58 days until my Thurmont ride!! WOO HOOOOO That alone should push me to ride ride ride!

Game on!

I'm highly competative. Last summer I rode my exercise bike and walked like a madwoman. WHy? Because there was a competition out here in blog world that was giving away a new pair of sneakers. I rode and rode and rode. I walked and then walked some more. I kept detailed records of how long and how much. And when it was all over, I received my new pair of tennis shoes because I had won! I do not like to lose!

SOOOOO last night when a friend talked about coming to visit in September and threw in there tht she hoped to be down 10 pounds by then, I couldn't help but throw down the gauntlet. 10 pounds you say? Well, the person that loses the most is the winner...and the other person must buy the winner an article of clothing that costs between 20 and 30 bucks. (basically under $30!) Ohhhh game on! I can so do this! SOOO tomorrow morning I get my morning start weight and I'll be off and running! (well, off and biking)

You see, that's the other thing. I was biking so regulalry. But after the June ride in Lancaster, I kinda fell off the bicycle bandwagon. Not that I dont'want to ride...I just don't feel like moving at all. But that has to change. I've got 2 months left until my next ride! (which incidentally will be the same week that my friend comes to visit!)

So it's game on. NO more dilly dallying around. Today, has been a slow day at work (REAL slow). I'm toying with the idea of going back to weight watcher meetings. Financially I shouldn't...but that weekly meeting really is something that I feel I need! I'm happy counting my calories and all that..but.....who knows.

GREAT read!

I had a friend forward this article to me this morning......this is a definite must read!

I've known for a while that I've been sabotaging my weight loss efforts. But I think it boils down to how to stop. And I think this article just lays it right out on the line!

*********************

In other news, my weekend was busy. I spent time with my brother and family. On sunday and Monday I ended up just not feeling right. I had no energy a terrible and could barely keep my eyes open. I do feel fine today. So I delayed my 'definitely going to start exercising religiously on Monday' until today. And I did it. 1 hour in on the exercise bike! I wasn't happy with my weight. It's up there. But I'm confident that I can face my demons and my fears and get it back down!

I just feel bloated and icky! I don't know why...other than the fact that my bodyjust doesn't like this extra weight. But I faced up to the scales regardless this morning and found, much to my surprise that I was down some on the scales. (like really down...but hey who's complaining).

Gotta get away from eating cold cereal for a while. I don't do to badly with special k if I have a banana to add to the mix...but without, it just doesn't stick to me! But until I get the bananas, I think I'll be going back to oatmeal for a while.

I'm going to make tortilla cups tonight after work. Todd asked for them for the get-together this weekend, so I'm going to run to the store and I'll make them. Well, maybe I'll make the filling tonight and bake the shells tonight but put them together tomorrow evening when we get home. That way there is less chance of them getting soft AND storage issues won't be that big of a problem!

Happy middle of the year 2009!!! And happy july first!

Our food choices really do affect how our days progress each day. I know this. This should not come as a huge surprise. SO why then am I sitting here amazed and awed by this revelation today. Let me start at the beginning. The last time I went to the grocery store I had a really really good coupon for fruit loops. Now I loved fruit loops as a kid. So I looked at them and realized that the fruit loops with the coupon and with the store price (they were on sale) were going to cost me less than fifty cents for the whole box (the small box). So I looked at the calorie count and figured that the calories were not that far off of my normal breakfast foods. I bought a small box and commenced with the enjoyment of one of my favorite childhood cereals. Looking back, I can tell that I noticed that I was hungry for lunch earlier. Breakfast was just not holding me over. But it wasn't until today...the last day of the cereal incidentally that I realized what was happening. I slept late (this kitty stuff makes one tired...more on kitty later). I actually didn't eat breakfast until about 2-3 hours later than normal (8:30 instead of roughly 6). So I come to work. I should not have been hungry at all.....yet by 10 I found myself thinking about food! WHY???? What could it be??? Ohhhh hoooo......sugar! My cereal first of all has no or very little nutritious value but it's high in sugar content! It's not fueling my body as it needs...so my body was looking for food that WOULD fuel it! I know this....yet I'm in awe of this news. Our food choices really do make a difference. And no fears...I've had lots of fruits and veggies for lunch!!!

Baby Kitty is doing well. Stubborn little cuss though. She will eat on her own (without us coaxing her to try it) off of her plate...but ONLY if she's out of her cage and we are there with her. She will not eat if she's in her cage alone. Go figure. But, we are happy knowing that she's just about there in the weening process!

Didn't weigh myself....the sleeping in thing really threw me off course. Exercise....arrrghhhhh I need to get my butt into gear! I will turn this ship around and the second half of the year is going to be my year to shine in the weight loss arena!

Weight pretty much remained the same....so nothing much to report. I kept my eating under control yesterday, so all is well. The weight will drop when it's meant to drop. All I have to do is keep doing right.

I do have to get into gear with my exercise. Exercise has been woefully missing from my daily routine. I haven't been on a bike in...ohhh a week? A week and a half??? It's been a while! Nothing else either! I've been sooo bad!!!! I need to get that into gear!!!

What's the rush with losing weight? Why do we want to lose it so fast? Yeah yeah yeah, I know...I can't wait to get to my goal weight and feel free to spend money on clothes that I know I will be wearing long term. I can't wait to not worry about losing. BUT....on the other hand....this is a LIFETIME commitment! So big woop, I get to my weight loss goal quickly...it's not going to change a single solitary thing. I will still need to watch what I eat. I will still need to exercise on a consistent basis. Nothing will change. The only thing that changes is my external features. So what's the hurry? I'll sit back, doing what's right (eating healthy, exercising) and the weight will come off at the RIGHT pace.

I've actually done not to badly with my eating over the last few days. I've been happy with my choices. All is looking good. I did skimp on my veggie intake yesterday. But overall, I feel as if I didn't do too badly. My problem yesterday...lack of water! Oh my word....low low water in take. Like non-existent! I knew taht my weight would be up this morning..and it was 1 pound. I expected it...and I'm drinking up...so I hope to pee that pound away today!

I'm determined to keep my eating in line today. The stress is mounting again. ARRGGHHH Yes, todd called me with some potentially damaging information. Information that could uproot our lives as we know it. It's nerve wracking!!!

Talked myself out of exercising again this morning. I'm such a putz!!

I was so bad this morning. I woke up at 5:30 and I laid in bed thinking, "at 6, I'm getting up and I'm going out for a ride on the roads.....a hilly ride". I laid in bed until 6. 6 passed, at about 6:20 I rolled out of bed and said to myself, "7.....7 is a good time for a bike ride" At 7 decided taht a ride on the exercise bike at 7:30 sounded like a really good idea. At 8:30, with still no ride completed, I got in the shower to get ready to come to work...I was going to ride to work though ya know." Did I ride? Heck no!! I drove my car! So bad......and utterly sad isn't it????


I have put in my food intake for the whole day...tis all tracked and calculated...so i'm on target with that! At least one thing is working.

Last night....well, I ended up eating a pb&j at around 8 or 9 PM because I was so hungry! Whew I just calculated and I wasn't that far over my calories today.

Arrgghh, I just had a blueberry muffin that a customer brought in...arrggghhhh What is wrong with me??? I can say stressed...because of the morning I've had...but no, it just smelled heavenly....warm and hot from the oven!

Report card first. Weight is down this morning! WOO HOOO! I've calculated my food for the day and I'm good! (even including dinner). Yeah, I may be a bit high on my sodium intake today...but I'm not going to stress over that because everything else looks pretty good. :-)

The other night Todd was flipping through the channels and for some reason stopped on a show about morbidly obese people. We are talking half ton sized people! It was saddening to see the shape that these poor people were in. They had one guy that the whole fire department was there trying to get him out of his bed and to the hospital. After much work they tried to take him through the door...the put straps around him and tried to pull the fat in tight to squeeze him through the door. That wasn't enough. The literally ended up tearing out walls in his house! I want to say how does one get to that point?? But in the same breath say, "I was on my way...I was 315 pounds! My saving grace is that even at that weight I was still quite mobile and somewhat active." But where is that line from obese to being in dire straits? That line of where you are overweight/obese and then voila, you are stuck in your room, with 10-15 muscled men trying to get you not only out of your bed but out of your room (hey, I kinda like the thought of the 10-15 muscled men in my bed!!!...ok, I'm sorry this is a serious paragraph)? There has to be a line. And how does one cross it without realizing that the are in some serious trouble?????

So if you've read this far, you're probably wondering what deep thought that paragraph was leading up to? Well, have I got a surprise for you....NOTHING! Just random thought flitting through my head. tee hee hee

CAT!

fredwina, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yes, this is the little cat. It is a female...and we have a few small health issues (ear mites, etc etc etc). Yes, that is camera cap on the ground beside her to show how tiny she really is!!!!!

The plan is to nurse her to health and get her weened and then we will be trying to find her a home. We have 4 cats as it is...and 5 is too many. However she will make a sweet sweet cat as we are raising her from such a young age!!! Crossing our fingers and praying that she makes it!

kitten

kitten, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

kitty

kitty, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Don't know how much I weigh. I forgot to weigh myself this morning. Honest engine, I did. It was not a i forgot moment. I really did forget. You see, I awoke at 4AM...during the hustle of the 4am feeding of the kitty and I never got back to sleep. So my whole morning was shot to smithereens! (routine wise)

Kitty? Did someone say kitty????? Why yes I did. A little TINY kitten was dumped at our business yesterday (ok, we found it yesterday). 8 ounces. Tiny but active little cuss. Feedings every 4 hours.

Back to me....after being a sluggard for 4 days with no exercise...I got a ride in yesterday. AND I forced it upon myself this morning. I have to keep telling myself that it DOES get easier the more I do it. Not easier as in muscle wise....yesterday and today didn't bother me....I felt great. I'm talking easier motivation wise!!!

Head aches now though!!! ARRGGGHHH

Yep, should have listened to everyone that said get rid of the fig newtons! Well, I guess I did get rid of them. Hardy har har! Lets not talk about them any longer.

Today thus far, I'm doing very well with my eating. I'm watching and I'm right on track! And I swear, there will be NO after dinner snacks. None! Nada!! Zilch!

The end. I can't think of anything meaningful to say today. And everyone knows that I would never continue to write and talk just because I like to hear myself babble! I mean, never would I do something like that. I am one of these people that says what I need to say in the most succinct and concise manner and then stop. Verbal vomit?? Nope, that can't describe me! tee hee hee

Ok, I will stop now, my fingers hurt from typing!

open and honest

My plan today was to sit down and actually think about what scares me about shedding all of my fat suit of armor that I wear. What is causing me to sabatage my efforts. Yeah, I'm addicted to food and yeah, I really like food. But I am ultimately in control and I have learned how to say no and control those urges. So why am I now sturggling with seemingly no determination.

Sooo my first list is a list of answers to these questions: What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid to lose the weight? Why do I think I'm not worth it?

*for the sake of privacy one or two have been deleted and found only in my private journal, which is where I originally created this list**
1. I'm afraid to shed my fat suit and thereby allow my own personality to shine. I've hidden behind this fat for so long that I don't know who the real MF is anymore.
2. If I shed the fat suit, I will not be able to use my fatness as an excuse for any failures. I use my fat as an excuse when things don't go my way, it's easire than accepting responbility.
3. My fat suit allows me to live in my own insulated world. A world in which I don't have to take chances or step outside of my comfort zone. (chances and risks open me up for failure and failure scares me).
4. Lowing the weight and being a total success puts me at a greater risk of failure (should I gain it back)
5. I never dated much before my husband~~I guess in my mind that I feel that I wasn't worthwhile to date. Therefore I don't think that I'm worthwhile to invest this time and energy into myself!

Reasons why I am worth it!

1. I'm a child of God and was wonderfully and individually created.
2. I liked the person that I was before I put on the fat suit and before the fat suit started draining my personality. I was fun and goofy, but it suited me.
3. Success is not possible without the expenditure of risk.
4. Deep down under all these layers of fat a butterfly awaits to emerge from it's cacoon. While life may not turn around and it will definitely still have stress involved, it will be beautiful simply because I deserve success.

By golly, I just deserve it. Plain and simple. No one should ever have to live in a fat suit!

Now for the hardest list: Things I like about myself:

1. I do not cheat and lie (well, except while playing monopoly)
2. I'm a great baker and a pretty good cook.
3. I'm trustworthy and reliable.
4. Good friend
5. body part I like? My legs....the muscles are pretty well defined
6. I'm smart darn it. I've buried it under my fat so as to not stand out, but I've got a brain and a rather high IQ.

*****************************

Whew...what a soul searching morning.

Didn't exercise today. But I have laid out my eating plans for the day. And I have my plan and I'm sticking to it come hell or high water. (oh wait, bad analogy....because it is raining again!...go figure!)

I didn't weigh myself today. Quite honestly, I forgot.

Speaking of honest. Yeah, I can pat myself on the back and say, "Way to go MF, you rode your bike to work yesterday. Great exercise." and "Great job MF, you resisted the cupcakes at work yesterday." But in all honesty, yesterday was a colossal failure. Well at least after work. I got home and hit up the comfort foods. Cocoa, homemade bread, fig newtons, ice cream, peanut butter and jelly, oh wait, lets not forget the 100 cal pack of fudge stripes (at least it was only 100 cal pack...because if it would have been a complete package of open fudge stripes, yeah, they would have all been gone!) Oh wait, did I say that this was all between 6 and 9PM!

If you haven't already read this post by Cara, I recommend reading it! It had me shaking my head in agreement and really thinking!

Deep thoughts and a few tears

It's like I have no control over my choices. I know that sounds really lame and actually quite stupid. Because I know that I have all the control over my success, however I feel helpless and out of control right now. I think that about sums up my life right now. I feel totally out of control of EVERYTHING. It's like I'm grabbing for the reigns (in lots of aspects of my life) and they keep slipping out of my reach. I'm a control freak. I like to be planned. I make my lists and check them twice. I like to know. But some of these things are totally out of my hands. There isn't much I can do. I can't single-handedly bring back the economy and make people want to spend money on luxury things. (ie recording time at a recording studio). I can't make other problems disappear. Health issues? I can't do anything about these either. We eat right and exercise...and while that's been a huge help in our health there are other issues at play. I can only pray and have peace that all will be ok with all of these worries and stressors . Easier said than done. But I know that all of this stress and worry is having a really negative impact on my weight loss efforts. First and foremost, I just want to eat my way through the problems. Food long ago became my friend. It's the friend that cheers me up when I'm feeling blue. It's the friend that laughs with me when I'm in a funny mood. It's the friend that celebrates when things are going good. Food is the friend that I look to to enhance each and every mood that my body encounters. As the stress just mounts, I find myself looking more and more to food. I know it has to stop. But once again, easier said than done. How does one stop? How does one break that chain, that hold that food has over me? Because quite honestly, the gained weight and the repeated failures to get the weight off just add to my stress levels. It really is a vicious cycle.

And at this point, food and my fat is the thing that is protecting me from facing the truth about myself and who I am.(ok, stop crying MF, you are sitting here at work...at the drive through window waiting for a customer, you can't be crying here!). I'm afraid to face the truth...what if I don't like what I see? When I first started to lose weight I did and said, "I like myself fat, I dont' need to lose weight for any reason other than my health". But now I'm starting to wonder if that all wasn't a lie. Did I really like myself????

Ok, I really am struggling here....I can't be crying when a car pulls up to the window!!! So I'll leave that topic for a bit.

I rode my bike to work today. I was planning on going home from work and then hopping on the bike and riding (Todd will be at the studio with friends). But then I started thinking about how stupid it would be because I'd just be backtracking. So I rode in this morning. I'll work all day, and when I leave here, I'll leave my backpack with my work clothes here and head home on my bike. Why I'm leaving my backpack? Because even though it's only 2 miles home...I'll be taking the most circuitious path home. Instead of 2 miles, I'm planning on a 15 mile route home. (by way of keedysville the next town/village over if you must know). Weather.com though said mostly sunny with only 10% chance of rain. However when I got to work, a co-worker looked on a different weather site and it said 30% chance of thunderstorms. Ohhh ohhh. Oh well, I may get wet. And if it's bad, I'll bum a ride home tonight. :-)

Food porn

Food porn, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Ok, maybe that is too mean to put on a weight loss blog. But this is what threw me over my food budget last night. I can say that I didn't eat any of the activity or exercise points that I earned...but still.

Ohhh strawberry shortcake why do you have to taste so yummy!

weight today....up 4/10ths of a pound....right back where I was at the betinning of last week.....literally I work all week and then the weekend comes and I backtrack. So the following week I work to get myself back to where I was before the weekend. It's a viscious cycle.

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On another note, I don't know how much more stress and worry I can take on! I feel as if I have to deal with ONE MORE THING, that I will literally explode! And I know that's part of why I'm just wanting to eat more!

rails, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Big Pool, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Sharing the path

Sharing the path, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Houseguest

Houseguest, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

This was our houseguest that crawled up to our house on Saturday night. Sunday we headed out to the canal and rode. We had fun riding our bikes and enjoyed the wildlife and scenery...and of course Todd got to see some train stuff on the path! After we got home I made lunch, todd left and I spent all afternoon cleaning and doing chores around the house.

I've eaten a bit too much food today...but I've been active, so hopefully it will all wash out!

Saturday

begonia, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

garden, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

growing tomatoes

growing tomatoes, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

chainsaw, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

As you can see our Saturday was spent outside! We worked on the wood pile and got a bunch chipped, we weeded, mowed, weed wacked and worked in the garden a bit. Busy day and it was stinkin' hot!!!

Ok, so maybe my gift was only temporary. this morning I jumped on the scales and I was up. YIKES...really up. As in 1.8 pounds up!!! What??? that's an aweful lot of poundage upwards!

Not gonna let it get to me though. Plod on....do the job. I was thisty when I awoke, so that's one thing that may have affected me (I know when I'm thirsty/parched when I wake up that it usually heralds some dehydration. Ohhh wait...I ate dinner about 3 hours later than normal last night....and with dinner, I had a really big diet drink (isn't there a lot of sodium in diet drinks?). No worries....eat right and it will come back off!

On to the sad news....the RedWings lost last night in the final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs. The Penguins took the cup. Booo hooooo hooo....now we have to wait for a new season of hockey come fall.

I was handed a gift this morning. I'm not looking at the gift and saying , "see, I can splurge and I get a gift." I'm instead looking at it as a true gift and I know that the next time I may not receive a gift. What in the heck am I talking about? Yesterday I had my food carefully planned out. All was well and I actually had 30 calories left over. I was hungry when I left work, and when Todd asked to delay dinner until 7:15 (a little over an hour after I got home). I nibbled on a marshmallow (or two or three) and some dried strawberries. So there went my extra points. But about an hour and a half after dinner, we were sitting down to watch a tv show together and I popped some popcorn. Yes, I added some loc cal spray butter, some parmesean cheese and some butter buds. So this morning when I found my weight was exactly the same, I realized that I had been handed a gift (no exercise yesterday either).

So today, I'm staying within my points no question about it!!!

Ran into a post today that just really struck home and it made my problems with losing weight startingly clear. I've been struggling for the last year and a half first with the fact that I had stopped losing and then in the last few months with the fact taht I've started to gain. I've pondered why and while I know I sabotage myself I can't figure out why. And then I read that post. It just made it all clear. I recommend reading it in it's entirety here but the gist of what I got out of it and what I realized about myself is that I started losing weight and had this belief in my head that when I lost the weight that my life would just automatically change. I would have lots of friends, I would be this active person that wasn't afraid to do all sorts of things, I would be free and my life would be grand. However, I got to my doctor approved weight and nothing changed. I was still shy and quiet and afraid to do things becasue of my weight (I was afraid to ride a ride at Hershey park last summer because I thought I was too big...at 180 pounds...I did end up riding it and was shocked that I fit). Nothing changed. So I think in the back of my mind I gave up a bit, afterall, nothing changed. So I maintained and eventually gained. On that same note, have I been scared to face this real me that I've hidden behind all this weight and as it emerged (as a more quiet person) as something I didn't like I decided to backtrack and sequester myself behind some weight again. I think so.

What also became clear is that if I can change my weight, my eating habits and lifestyle, that I can force myself to make those first few steps toward the freedom that I would really like to have. The freedom to not be afraid to try new things. I'm smart enough to realize that the more things I face, the easier it will become in the furture to face other things!

So that is my deep thoughts for the day!

Now onto my weight......Yesterday morning I woke up REALLY eary and rode the exercise bike for 70 minutes. After work Todd and I went for a walk for about 45 minutes and then we walked again later for another 45 minutes. I had hoped it was enough to negate our evening plans......I just wasn't sure.....

The concert....fabulous. Everytime I see these two bands, I grow to like them just a little more...which is amazing because Chicago and Earth Wind & Fire are already two of my all time favorites. They are first and foremost amazing musicians but they also put on one heck of a show. We left last night from our house at about 3, hooked up with another couple and drove down to the metro area. We ended up getting to Columbia at around 4:15. Our dinner reservations were at 5. While the bar was open and we had briefly discussed going in and chit chatting at the bar while we waited for the third couple that was joining us for dinner. Instead we decided to walk the path by the lake. I wasn't going to turn down that opportunity to get a little bit more activity in for the day! Dinner was very good. I got baked ziti and a diet coke. Todd ordered a seafood pizza and a martini. The portions were HUGE but very tasty. I honestly had been planning on getting a dessert, but the meal was HUGE and I literally had no room for dessert. Yay for me for listening to my body's signals. After dinner we headed over to the post (merriweather post pavillion). Right as we were walking through the parking lot, the rain started. Luckily most of it held off until we got under the pavillion. And then it let loose and poured. I felt badly for the people that had lawn seats and were out in the rain. But oh well...that's why we paid for our seats...no worries about weather. It was still pouring when we left...so we were wet when we got back to the car. Oh well....I'd rather get wet on the way out versus on the way in. Now I'm tired...because I was up yesterday morning ag 5AM, but didn't get to sleep until 2AM this morning...that's a 21 hour day...and today I'm operating on about 5 hours of sleep. Oh well, I can make it. :-)

Soooo, the weight this morning?? I was down 4/10ths of a pound! WOO HOOO

I will admit that today will probably be a day off from exercise. Not because I'm sore or anything, only because I'm just really tired!

How much weight can some water retention be?

How much weight can some water retention be? Well for me it was about one and a half pounds this time. Yep, that's what I dropped this morning on the scales. I'll take it!

This morning I woke up early and I hopped on the exercise bike and rode for 70 minutes. Whew! I've discovered that I get a lot more hot while riding the bike in the bedroom versus the living room. Oh well, the bedroom is where it's at now. I then got ready and here I am at work. I work until noon today and then I'm off the rest of the day. I am debating the merits of riding again after work. Why? Well, first of all, if I can ride outside it would be really nice!! But secondly, tonight we are heading to a concert and the friends that are going with us have made reservations at an Italian restaurant. I love italian food! So I'll be eating tonight. Sooo an extra ride would help negate any extra food I eat! Hmmmmmmmmmm But then on the flip side, I've already ridden 70 minutes today...roughly 17 miles on the exercise bike. Do I want to over-do it??? My knees (the wonderful arthritis) has been acting up for the last week? So would it be prudent? I'm going to play it by ear and see what happens. Maybe Todd will be home and I'll be able to 'con him' into going on the canal with me! :-) Of course the sky isn't all that clear...not really overcast....just hazy. SO you never know what the weather holds!

Ok...mini goals. I'm going to reward myself in 5 pound increments. What to reward with though. Hmmmmm Well, you know, money is tight so I haven't been buying books...and I haven't bought a cd in ages. Soo every 5 pounds I'm going to reward myself with a book OR CD. I was 204.8 yesterday morning...so I'll give myself a head start and give me that .2. So 200 is my next reward!!!

Well, I was a bit disappointed this morning. I stayed on target yesterday. I rode my bike yesterday. I did good. Yet this morning I was up on the scales. Even though I'm disappointed, I'm not going to worry about it. It could be the residual effect from my weekend (shoo fly pie), afterall, I was shocked that I hadn't gained over the weekend. Or it could be from the high sodium foods that I ate on Sunday for one meal and for two meals yesterday. Either way, I'm not going to let it get me down.

This morning we woke up and headed out of the house to hit up the gym. On the way to town we started talking about how we needed to get the mowing done for my parents. So we diverted and headed up there to mow. I push mowed for about 45 minutes. After that we hit up Sam's club and then went home. We hope to maybe make it to the gym tonight. Hopefully! If not, I'm going to try to hop on a bike (inside or outside...depends on the weather) and ride tonight! I made lunch for us both A baked corn casserole which is not too sweet, but is quite yummy in it's own right. Tonight for dinner we are having grilled (hopefully outside, but if not on the indoor grill) turkey burgers and watermelon. My calories are all accounted for and I've actually not used any calories that I burnt from mowing, so all should be good!

I swore that after my weekend that I would be right back on track. I have planned my meals for today and I'm ready to go. (they are a bit higher in sodium but it's all good). At 6:30 or so this morning, I talked my husband into heading out on the canal with the bikes and I got an hour ride (ok, 50 minutes) this morning before coming to work! It was a crazy ride. A deer jumped out in front of us at one point. And on the way back we heard the cracking of a tree...and we pedaled fast to get away from it....it fell across the canal about 10-20 feet behind us...where we had just riden. Crazy I tell ya! I went back to the house and got ready for work, played around with my pictures from the weekend and here I am at work! Fun stuff.


I am deeply blessed to have made this friend and I'm so touched by what she has written about our friendship. It truely does put to words what it means to me! If you don't read her blog, check her out, click the above link!!!

A copy of her post....

Saturday I completed my second biking event since losing 75#'s, with the support and encouragement of a very SPECIAL friend. I am sure many of you read both our blogs, and MaryFran beat me to posting, so check out her blog http://www.mfclingan.blogspot.com/ for an hour by hour recap of our mini trip this past weekend.

She is one special friend, the two of us having read each others weight loss blogs for over a year now, and met in April for the first time for our first biking event. I write this post this morning before heading off to work, to tell her how much I appreciate her support and encouragement!

We both have had our ups and downs with losing our final 20#'s, but we have been there for each other, and even though we might be still working on it, we have not stopped supporting each other and have maintained our previous losses. My friend has lost over 100#'s! We are both determined to finished our journey and in the end will not only be able to say we have done it, but that we have created a lasting friendship as well!

So no matter where you are at in your weight loss process, or frame of mind you are in right now, my advice today is to make a new friend. Find one that has similar interests, no matter if they live in your home town or hours away, like Mary Fran. I did, and it is the best thing that could have happened to me!

Pedal to Preserve 2009, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Todd and I got to Lancaster at about 5:15 on Friday night. We had just checked into our hotel and had taken our bags (and my bike) up to our room (yep, I carted my bike up to the top floor of the hotel!) when my cell phone rang. It was Donna...they were in Lancaster! Woo hooo, we headed off to dinner and hooked up with them. It was a great time of chatting...and of course my shoofly pie was really good also! After dinner we went to a store for a local winery and Todd tasted and picked out some wine (I got a new ice cream maker as my old one had a bad issue that rendered it useless). We ended the evening in the hot tub!

Saturday morning was perfect for biking. Not sunny..but not raining. Not too cold and just perfect for a ride. We got to the event and quickly registered and set off. The roads were great to ride on...open farmland that was spectacular to view...and the wide open roads allowed us to ride side by side and chit chat the whole way! Before we knew it, the ride was over! We ate the lunch that we provided and then headed off for a day of fun with friends. We hit up the Intercourse Canning company, Kettle Kitchen Village, Kaufman's Farm Market and then the Strasburg Railroad where we rode the train. After our train ride, we went to the Red Caboose Inn and had dessert in the dining car. Yep, I had shoofly pie again. After our dessert we said good by to our friends and drove home.

Halfway home Todd announced that since he wasn't all that hungry that we should probably just go home and get a light snack for dinner. Uhhhhh I was STARVED! I could have eaten a horse! I talked him into going out to eat on the way home. (whew...a snack didn't sound like it would suffice!)

Pedal to Preserve 2009

Pedal to Preserve 2009, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Strasburg, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

After our ride we did a flying tour of some of the Lancaster treats. We hit up the Intercourse canning company, The Kettle Kitchen Village and we rode on the Strasburg railroad. We all enjoyed dessert at the Red Caboose Inn dining car before saying good by and heading in opposite directions home.

Today is the day!

YIPPEE!! TOday is the day!!! Lancaster Lancaster here we come! I get off work at 2...so the plan is to pull out of Sharpsburg at 2:05 or 2:10! WOO HOOOO.

It has been steadily raining all day yesterday, all night and it's supposed to continue all day today and through half of the night tonight! It SHOULD stop by 2AM (according to weather dot com). And the sun should be out at 6!!! I sure hope so! HOwever, I do have two rain ponchos in my bike bag..and I have my rain jacket that I purchased this spring. And oh well....I'll just get wet! But I'm sincerly hoping for sunshine!

Tomorrow Donna and I ride again! It should be fun!!!!! And what spectacular scenery to see while riding!

Super excited about seeing our friends Donna and Andy. It promises to be a great weekend...rain or not!

My weight this morning 203.2. Now, don't get excited about a drop in my weight. Yesterday evening I sorta lost control. Well, not really lost control, I just ate a little over my calorie count..but it was a lot of dairy products. I don't normally eat so much dairy. (at least I think it is the dairy that caused my problems) so round about 9 or 10 last night my stomach started hurting...and I spent a portion of my evening reigning on the porcelin throne! So I'm sure that's part of my weight loss. (ok, way too much information I'm sure)

Update on my cousin! First of all, thank you for your kind words, thoughts and prayers!

Thank you It has been a long long week and a half! All last week every test that Hayley underwent (and there were plenty) showed evidence of a stroke. Around Friday, the moved her to Hopkins in Baltimore...simply because they had the capabilites to do neurosurgery to repair the blood vessels in her brain. Hopkins commenced with some more (and some repetative) tests to pin point exactly what the surgery would entail. Low and behold, all signs of a stroke had disappeared! We rejoiced because this took away the need for invasive brain surgery, it truely was a miracle. However, we were still worried because we needed to know. We needed to do whatever need to prevent anything like this happening again. What caused it? They were hinting at a genetic problem...what would this mean for Hayley's brother....for myself? We really began to pray for answers.

Hayley went through more tests.....they redid tests. They grasped at straws and were somewhat baffled. While this continued, her paralysis and jerking movements got worse. The other day it all fell into place. Hayley is suffering from Reumatic Fever. The treatment.....antibiotics. In fact, every 3 weeks until she is 21, she will be receiving an antibiotic shot to prevent infection which can bring on a flare up of reumatic fever. She will be in physical therapy for her paralysis. The doctors have told us that it will be anywhere from 3 months to a year for her to recover from the effects. She came home yesterday and couldn't be happier!

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204.0 that was my weight this morning. Not all that grand. Rather embarrassing to write. But i'm going to do it anyway. Todd and I will be in Lancaster Friday evening and all day Saturday. This is the weekend of the next bike ride that I am participating in with my online blog buddy Donna. Wait, she is actually now my real life friend!!! I'm excited about the ride and both Todd and I are really looking forward to hanging out with Donna and her husband! I have to say that I plan on splurging and eating my shoo-fly pie (which I do only get when I'm up there). And I'll admit, I may get a piece of pie on Friday night AND saturday also. At the bike event, I think that Turkey Hill provides ice cream (they are a sponser/member of the preservation group that is hosting the event)...and yes, I probably will have a small bit of ice cream. If we get to the canning company, yes, I will eat some samples! I'm not going to worry about it. I'll make the best decisions that I can while eating. Enjoy my splurges and on Sunday morning when I get home, I weigh myself and get back on track!

Last night I had a quote come to me from one of my all-time favorite movies. "Get busy livin' or get busy dieing". That is exactly what I've got to do. It really is a choice that I have to make. I can live or I can die and the end result is a cumulation of my food and exercise choices. It really is as simple as that. Get busy livin' or get busy dieing!

The other thing that hit me last night was that I'm letting some demons in my life are at war within my life and those demons are causing me to feel that "why should I? What's losing weight going to do". Fatalistic, yes...very. I need to kick those demons in the butt. And actually turn it around and say, "I'm going to lose weight BECAUSE of the demons...." And yes, after thinking about it for a while, I can definitely come up with a mental plan of attack that does turn my thoughts and energies around from something so fatalistic to something that is kick butt. It's going to be difficult to retrain my thinking and to banish those fatalistic, 'why should I....it's not going to make a difference' thoughts and turn them into the the new 'think outside of the box, do it in spite of those demons'.

This morning, I'm working on my eating plans for the day and I've already exercised so I'm on track!

WOrked really hard this weekend. Mowing (push and riding) mulching (filling up the wheelbarrow from the pile, emptying the wheelbarrow one shovel full at a time), running that darn pesky chipper, laundry, bike ride, cooking, cleaning, baking. You name it and I did it. BUsy busy busy. I didn't overeat. My food was right in line with where I wanted it to be....and yet, my weight stayed the same. Now if I remember correctly, when I was at this point the first time down, this 'hurdle' was a difficult one for me to pass. My body didn't want to give it up. It's frustrating...and I know that the more I DON'T see the results on the scale, the easier it is for me to cave and do what I want to do.

ARRGGHHH never ending vicious cycle!!!

My next ride is this weekend. Saturday to be exact. Todd and i will be heading up to Lancaster on Friday afternoon. We are hooking up with our friends (hi donna) this weekend. I'm really looking forward to the weekend. My legs felt like lead weight this weekend on my ride. I'm assuming because I had already worked like a banshee by the time I took my ride!

What a week! It's been crazy. I feel as if I've been running in circles and getting no-where. I don't rightly know why I feel like that, because when I look at what I've done and had to do, it's not all that much. But just a lot of things are going on that I'm juggling in my mind.

So eating wise, I'm going to openly admit that I've done horrendously! I don't know what my weight is today. The alarm went off and my husband immediately jumped out of bed and was like, "before you shower can you help me with this this and that". So I helped, and then hung my clothes on the line outside, and then I grabbed my breakfast BEFORE hitting the shower.....and I therefore forgot to weigh in. It's crazy how getting away from your routine really does mess things up.

I went right to the computer (after all my morning madness was done but before going to work) and I've entered all my food into my journal for the day...so I'm set! I just need to get some kind of exercise in...which should be mowing at my mom and dad's places. I'll probably throw in the towel and mow for my aunt and uncle as this week is utter hell for them. So taht is some exercise. I think in the afternoon after I get back, Todd and I are going to work on chipping that wood pile...and getting the land ready for the sheds to be constructed. Exciting stuff. Dinner tonight ....we are starting a fire in the fire pit...Todd wants steak cooked on an open flame. I'll have a turkey hot dog cooked that way (as I'm still not doing beef). I do believe I"ll be baking some potatoes at the same time. Tomorrow night is italian turkey sausage kabobs! YUMMY!

mf

Hayley....licking her lips..but that's my baby cousin (not so much a baby anymore and actually the oldest of all the youngsters in the family now...but she's the one that started the onslaught that brought about a total of 2 cousins, 2 nephews and 1 niece).

I went down to see Hayley yesterday. She is scared but seemed to be doing well. They have apparently ruled out her heart as a culprit and have since confirmed abnormal blood vessels....more information today.

If that doesn't motivate me to take care of my health to manage everything that is manageable...then I don't know what else will!

The fragility of health

I have a relatively small family. A mother and father (thank heavens both still living), an uncle (with a wife and two young children aged 11 and 8) a brother (with a wife and three young children aged 8,6,and 2) and a husband. That's it. Yesterday morning I woke up and all was well in my world. Everyone was relatively healthy. (my parents are getting older and experiencing some issues brought on by their age but that's to be expected). I operated all day on the assumption that my family was well. Until I got the phone call last night. I answered the phone and happily greeted my mom. She started right in on the news. "Hayley has been in the ER all day". Hayley??? She is my 11 year old cousin. I immediately thought of afflictions that commonly occur with an 11 year old tom-girl. Broken arm. Broken leg. Yeah, something like that I was sure. But then my mom said the words that caused my spinning thoughts to cease and for my body to start shaking with shock. "They've confirmed that she has had a stroke." Looking back, the family realized that she had been having problems and dragging her one leg. Her younger brother after the fact told how she was having problems 'getting a grip and pulling herself up into the truck the other day' But it wasn't until she was writing a report for school and her mother saw her writing, normally neat was now illegible even though she was painstakingly working on it. And then all the small seemingly innocuous symptoms clicked together (hayley is a bit of a drama queen and has on occasion created 'injuries' for attention) My aunt called the doctor and he sent them immediately to the ER. Hours and tests later and the reports came back....'she's had a stroke'. The hospital readily admitted that they were out of their league and started making plans to send her to one of he hospitals in the dc metro area....via a helicopter. However, the fog had rolled in by that point so they went by ambulance. (the helicopter scares me...you don't airlift someone unless it's very serious!........the last time they talked about airlifting a family member was when my grandmother had a stroke, caused by an aneurysm....the one that eventually killed her....and the fog rolled in that night also and she went by ambulance....so way to reminiscent) We are now waiting for more news.

In one day my healthy family has been turned on it's heel. I've talked in this blog about my cousin and the fact that I worry about her because she is a solid girl and I fear that she follows in the footsteps of so many people in our family history and struggle with her weight all her life. (her mother just had gastric bypass...so weight problems are very close to home in her case).

What does all this do to my thought processes in regard to my weight loss journey? On one hand it scares me because without knowing the reasons for Hayleys current problem, I know that the path that I was on could so easily have brought me to a stroke or worse. It also makes me feel proud because I have greatly reduced my risks for stroke and heart problems. Most importantly, it has really cemented in my head how precious and fleeting good health is. And on that same note, it has made me realize that everything I do has an effect on my health.....and it makes me want to do everything I can to avoid something that can be avoided by a healthy lifestyle.

I faced he scale this morning and I have to admit that I'm 3 pounds up. Sobering within the context of everything that's happening.

Throw out the rule book and lets start afresh today. My well laid plans just weren't all that well laid I guess. You see, the plans were that...plans. But when it came to implementing them, EVERYTHING seemed to get in the way. So I ate this weekend. It could have been worse. I didn't go HOG wild, I just went partially wild. I did work in the garden a lot, I got a bike ride in, I walked a fair amount, so all was not lost. But saying that...my normal level of exercise was definitely not met this past weekend.

My weight this morning. I haven't a clue. I kept falling back asleep and just didn't get on the scales this morning. No excuses, I kinda forgot and I kinda didn't care to remember. I vow though to face the music tomorrow!

Today was a rainy day. The rain was hitting the roof and the windows in a lazy pattern and I just wanted to curl up with a book on the sofa and relax all day. But nope, here I am at work!

Friday fumblings

Well well well, another day here. I woke up this morning and I just did NOT want to exercise. I didn't want to weigh myself. I just didn't want to do anything. So I didn't...

Haa haa haa, WRONG! I weighed myself. I was wondering what the scales would say after my big loss yesterday morning. Down two tenths of a pound more. So all was well. Exercise? It was 6AM. I didn't need to be to work until 10..but I just didn't want to do it. I fiddled around. I put together some of the food for dinner tonight. I packed my lunch. I drug my feet. I kept telling myself that 'you can ride tonight after Todd leaves to go see his movie". However, as we all know...that doesn't work that well for me...something almost always comes up and I don't do that evening exercise. Sooooo, FINALLY at 7:30, I couldn't delay it any longer. And I went and hopped on the bike. 50 minutes down! I got off the bike, hopped into the shower and got myself somewhat presentable, but put back on bike riding clothes (clean ones thank you very much) and I rode into work. And here I sit......bored, anxious to be done for the day......two and a half hours left!

I did struggle some this morning. I was planning the days food and really struggling. My calorie count was super duper low, but my fiber count was super duper high. Go figure! I finally got something worked out...but I'm still 150 calories 'under' my daily goal. (that's not even including my earned exercise allowance. Oh well...we'll see how I feel tonight and play it by ear!

At work today I planned out tomorrow and what I plan on eating and making for dinner. Why the careful planning, it's our towns annual memorial day parade and my husband and I plan on eating something from one of the vendors for lunch tomorrow. But, I've worked it into the budget so it should be all good. :-)

Stick a fork in my because I'm done! Ok, maybe not so much done today...but yesterday...YIKES!

Woke up and let me tell you, I worked. I ran the chipper for a couple hours. Running the chipper involves walking to a pile of wood (brush, limbs, etc etc etc) picking up a piece or two (sometimes a bunch that I then drag with me), walking it to the chipper and shoving said wood down the chute and then repeating the processes. Over and over again. Every once in a while, I have to turn off the chipper and drag a bag of newly minted mulch across the yard and to the flower bed of choice. SO in essence I moved a wood pile twice (once in tree form, once in chipped form).

After the chipping fun, Todd and I ran to the next little burg and picked up cat food and a few more plans for the vegetable garden (I swear...no more!) and stopped at the diner there for a quick lunch. I had a turkey sub (1/2) and applesauce. We went home. Not the healthiest...but yummy.

After we got home I changed my clothes and headed out to ride. I was out about 2 hours. I will admit to stopping midway. My stomach was hurting and I didn't know why. The only thing I could think to do was to eat a clif bar (they are the best energy bars out there...in my humble opinion). It worked, I felt much much better. (I guess my cheerios and my turkey sub and applesauce wasn't enough). I finished my ride and headed home. I was out in the yard working by about 3 and didn't come in until 7PM. (I moved 100 pound blocks of cement, dug up another vegetable bed in the garden....and just in general worked my tail end off).

FINALLY it was time to go inside....and then I made dinner. Pizza and breadsticks.

SOOOOOO I ate horribly yesterday. I think I ate more than 1.5 thousand calories than my budget allows. I did however work my tail end off. So this morning......my weight dropped 2.4 pounds! Yeah, I'm stoked! The problem????? I"m sore!!!!

Got my plans for eating today all laid out....that number is going to continue to go down!!! Oh yeah, I also rode this morning for 71 minutes.

What it boils down to is this: If I eat right and don't cheat, I lose. Go figure. I'm hot on the trail today...determined to lose. :-)

Nuff said!

Ok, I lied. The scales were still not kind (showing a loss) but I'm ok with that. I've made my plans for today and I'm determined to stick to it. I've already exercised for 83 minutes and all is well. :-)

Now I've said enough!

I had a list of lots of excuses as to why my weight is back up today. I could say how my mood and emotions were just on a rampage this past weekend. I could say that the monthly ick is around the corner. I could babble about how the internet at my house was out all weekend (apparently the cable company didn't bury the line far enough and the line got nicked during all of our gardening ventures) and since the internet is how I track my food and where I make my plans...well there goes that! I could babble about how my back hurt so I didn't exercise. I could go on about the wind that kept me from getting on my bike. The cold that affected my knees. I could just keep going on and on. But they are all excuses.....SOOOOOOOOOO....

I messed up! I didn't eat properly and exercise religiously this past weekend and my weight on the scales reflect that! Whew...honesty hurts sometimes! :-)

That said.....I made it to the gym this morning! And I'm getting ready to get online and make my food plans for tomorrow and this evening (track). This weekend I made Taco soup. I picked up the recipe a few months ago and I've been wanting to try it. However my hsuband always was so skeptical that I never made it. Yesterday I said, "who cares, if he doesn't like it he can make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich". SO I made it. First of all, it makes a LOT. It is dang dang dang good! VERY good! Todd had seconds! So that means he liked it. And then today when I went to prepare lunch before heading to work Todd was like, "Why make that...lets have the leftover soup because it was sooo good." I have a little bit more left that I may have tonight! :-)

I always denied that I was an emotional eater. I mean, I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm sad. I can pretty much eat all the time. But just in the last two days I've realized that yes, I am an emotional eater. It comes with being an addict. A food addict that is. When I'm upset, I know that food will give me that momentary high, it will take whatever pain I'm feeling away, temporarily...but it's a good thing. On the flip side, when I'm feeling good and on top of the world I think about food and know that if I just eat a bit more, then I'll feel even better. It's the mentality that 'things are already so good, and the only thing that would make it absolutely perfect would be to eat something super duper yummy!" (and thereby get that 'high' that 'rush of pleasure'.) That is simply another form of emotional eating. The list goes on...I'm tired, so I eat because it will fill me with a sense of satisfaction and well being...something that sleep and rest would do. I look to food for everything because I know that whatever I'm doing, food will enhance it.

An addict...I am plain and simple an addict. Food is my vice. I use food to enhance my moods, to change my moods and as a crutch to get through life.

So why do I talk about this today. Yesterday morning there was a bit of a marital spat in the house. I tried to deny my mood all day. I tried to push it to the back of my mind refusing to acknowledge that anything was wrong. No one that talked to me had a clue. But the emotions were simmering. And I managed to only eat the amount of pizza that I had allotted for myself at the work birthday party. I however later in the afternoon added and extra cupcake to my food eaten list. Ohhh and some ice cream. I then went home and didn't stick to my eating plan for dinner...but added a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (on top of my dinner food) and another cupcake and later I made popcorn with lots of butter. So it eventually caught up with me. Sooo today was spat part two before I came to work. And I'm bound and determined to not let it affect my eating today. I will not will not succumb!!! I will not medicate my emotions with food today. (and yes, today it would be medicating my emotions...tomorrow or another day it may be enhancing my emotions...but today it would definitely be medication.

Yeah, yeah yeah...the weight is up today. Not surprising!

How quickly the mighty fall!

Yesterday i was so gung ho. I was proud of myself because even though I succumbed to the cake batter, I adjusted the planned food intake for the rest of the day and all was good. I was on a high of pride. But then it all crumbled around me. How?? Well, of course in the evening when I made a fudge icing for the cupcakes! Icing tastes so good ya know! Sooo I had chocolate fudge icing.....washed down with a cold glass of milk. Nope, not counted at all in my food budget! So the scales were up .6 of a pound. Expected! I've owned up to my eating catastrophe and I'm moving on!

The cupcakes. I saved two mini cupcakes for each of us for dessert tonight and the rest have been brought to work. Some are on a cake plate to eat today...and the others are in Ziploc bags to put in the freezer at work...so they can eat them here over the next few weeks. I'll be fine with that.....I'm not overly tempted here. (Closet eater am I)I do plan on eating pizza with the group for lunch...but I have accounted for it and it is planned into my food budget!

It just goes to show how quickly things get out of hand. I wrote yesterday afternoon about the pride high and how I want to remember that....but mere hours later I was in a chocolate daze after shovelling the leftover icing into my mouth! There is NO excuse for it...but I think what happens is that I take a taste without thinking. Sub-consciously...testing it. And once the taste is in my mouth, I can't stop!

No fears...I'll lick this addiction if it's the last thing I do. Ohhh no....wait, I don't want to LICK it....how about I beat it! tee hee hee

What a busy day yesterday was! I woke up eary and got my breakfast and started Todd's coffee. By the time he woke up the coffee was ready and I was raring to go. I got two loads of line out on the line by 7:30 or so and I was out digging in the dirt. I dug up some more beds (I had gone outside on Tuesday evening and dug up a few beds), seeded a few areas, I planted strawberry roots, I mulched the flower beds (this involves shovelling the mulch from the pile to the wheelbarrow and then again onto the beds), I planted some flowers, I raked and picked the sod out of the new beds that I had dug and Todd had tilled. I was just a busy beaver. I did stop working outside long enough to make lunch for us! But all in all, I worked non-stop for hours on end! When it came time to exercise, I just couldn't do it!

No matter though.....I was down to 199 pounds this morning. (the last few days I've been hovering above 200....I'm a little worried about tomorrow though)

Today I got up stiff as a board. And sore!!! Am I ever sore! I didn't let it deter me. I got on the exercise bike and rode away. I then made a cake (cupcakes actually) for a co-worker...we are celebrating his birthday tomorrow. (he likes plain cake...so I'm doing yellow cake with chocolate icing...nothing fancy...no decorations..nada. Well, I do have some candles to put on it). Soooo my problem? Cake batter. I had some! I am very proud to say that I immediately went to the computer and adjusted my food for the day. I took out some extra things I had thrown in for fun...and swapped out some higher calorie items for some lower calorie items. Stuff like that. ANd in that way, I brought my calorie count back to where I want it to be!

I was emailing back and forth with a friend this morning and we were talking about the pride that one feels when eating correctly. It's a sense of pride and accomplishment to know that one ate correctly and actually conquered the pull of food! This is nothing new. But then I started to think about the fact that this sense of accomplishment is just phenominal and I walk on air and feel so good about myself...and it lasts for a while. This is in comparison to that high or good feeling that I get from eating food. I freely admit that I eat some foods simply because that first bite or two is just soooo good and that it gives me a rush...a high. What high lasts the longest? What high makes me feel the best? Well most definitely the high and satisfaction that I get from making wise choices and being on top of this addiction. The high that the pride infuses in my body is much stronger and more lasting than any food high!

The problem???? Remembering that the high of my pride is a stronger more powerful high than anything that food can give!

Acceptance

So, what is a good motivator to stay within ones food budget for the day????? Hmmmm, would a pair of pants splitting at the seam while you are wearing them do it???? OK, this morning I was fixing breakfast for Todd and I. I was wearing a pair of flannel lounging pants. They are not overly tight...or so I thought. I made breakfast and called Todd to eat. I sat down.....shhhhrrrriiiiiiiiip. I felt my seat of my pants and sure enough, I didn't feel soft cozy flannel, but rather cool skin. Uhhhhhh, not good! Not happy here! But, just another reminder to keep myself focused!

My weight this morning jumped from 199.0 to 200.6. One point six pounds in a day? Possible???? Yeah. But I definitely did not eat 1.6 pounds worth of food. :-) Soooo here's hoping it's water! No matter the cause, I'm focused on reversing it. I did have a big breakfast today. Pancakes and turkey sausage. However, I've planned out the rest of my day eating wise and I'm good!

I think part of this journey for me is to start to stop making excuses. Yeah, I worked outside yesterday morning so that when I came in to eat lunch I scarfed up every morsel of food that was readily available to me...BUT I worked all morning. Excuses! I didn't need that extra food. My body had received enough nutrients from my planned lunch. I did not need seconds! I need to stop making excuses and just say...it happened so lets move on. The question pops into my mind though....where is that fine line between making excuses and consoling oneself. For example, saying....I had a lot of sodium yesterday so it's probably water weight. That is still an excuse isn't it? Yet, it also keeps me calm and motivated. There is a fine line there!

Acceptance is a difficult thing. Not just as I just wrote, accepting responsibility for my setbacks. But also accepting what I am. I have changed drastically from what I used to be and what I am now. And sometimes I just don't get it still. Yeah, I'm riding my bike mad miles. (for me at least.....and growing all the time as my endurance improves) Yet I still feel like the sluggard MF from days gone by. I struggle with believing in myself. I doubt myself at every turn in my biking adventures. I am stuck thinking like the fat maryfran that bought her bike in 2001. The MaryFran that proudly took her bike to the canal and hopped on to ride and didn't even make it a mile before she was practically falling off the bike in total exhaustion. Yes, I went about a half mile to 3/4 of a mile and was so exhausted that we took a LONG break before heading back to the car. And we had to stop numerous times on the way back to the car so that I could catch my breath and rest up, gathering myself to bike just a little further until the next rest break. Reconciling that MF to the current MF is difficult!

I've been in a melancholy mood the last few days. I've been working on some scrapbook layouts, trying to finish the bulk of last years events and activities. (Right now all that is left, for the most part is our October vacation from last year....so I"m giving myself permission to start working on my April GWG stuff!). What makes me melancholy is the pictures of me from last summer. I was so much trimmer, my face was lean. I was looking dang good, It makes me sad that I frittered away the winter and gained and now I'm behind the eight ball again. I want to get back there sooo bad! And of course the scales creeping up the last few days does NOT make it any easier! But I will persevere with it....and I will work on accepting my new self!

Well, my weight this weekend was well, pretty much the same. On Saturday I had that small increase. And on Sunday I went up to 199.0 Today I held steady at 199.

BUT..........worked outside all morning and when I came in, I didn't stick with my planned meal. I had seconds! And totally blew my food budget for today. I'm goint to do my best to keep it reigned in tonight...and add exercise tonight to negate my food splurge! Otherwise, all it well.