Back to Normal

Back to normal…but what is normal?  

As masks become a thing of the past and life goes back to normal, or rather the new normal I sit back and watch.  I wish the 6 foot edict would remain.  I find myself walking through crowded places and cringing when people get close and jostle me in their closeness!  Why can’t the new normal include social distancing!

But that is not the normal of which I speak. I wrote about the normal of every day life.   For the first time since life went crazy..horrible…off kilter two weeks ago, Jason and I both went to work.  I started off these two weeks strong and maintained my calorie goals.  I was not going to let life throw me off track.   I did really good for the first 4-5 days.  And then I went up in flames.  Spectacularly!   

I grew up in the old ‘food brings comfort’ mentality.  You feed people …it’s part of the love language for my family.  So I fed myself and in particular, I fed Jason. I fired up the mixer and turned on the oven and baked…a few times!

I had donuts, edible cookie dough (chocolate chip cookie dough) , potato chips, fresh made cookie dough and of course the baked cookies  (snickerdoodle), brownies (salted caramel brownies).   It was ugly. 

Luckily my weight is in the same 2-3 pound weight range.  But with going back to ‘normal’ I plan on returning to a more normal routine with eating.  I don’t need sweet treats every night.  I may want them.  But I don’t need them.   I don’t need to bake some delicious dessert/snack. I may want to…but it’s not necessary.   

So I am returning back to the original plan from two weeks ago.

I will be tracking my food. Getting my exercise.  Keeping my calories closer to 1200-1300 each day.  I will be adopting the attitude that this is only for 4 weeks. (I’m only committing to four weeks…I’ll reevaluate my plans at the end of four weeks….or more likely forget that it was only for four weeks and keep going.).   This can not be a maybe…life is returning to ‘normal’ and it’s time to focus on my health.

The new normal…healthy living has commenced!!!

Eye Opening

 During work one day this week I was talking with a coworker and as normal, the talk turned to our mutual dissatisfaction with our work.   This coworker made the comment ‘I return to the ideas and concepts of this one book almost every day in order to get through the days’.   She highly recommended that I read the book.  Read?  A book?   Sign me up!

The book that she recommended was The Game of Life and How to Play It, by Florence Scovil Schinn.   I picked it up on Amazon. (Amazon affiliate link) I didn’t research it.  I didn’t look at the background, I just grabbed it on that recommendation.  It wasn’t long before I finished up the book I was currently reading and I was able to dive right into this new book.  This book opened my eyes to some things!  It made me realize some of my errors. 

But first let me say that honestly, this book made my soul hurt.   I have strong religious roots.  I believe in God.  I believe in the power of prayer.  And this book while quoting scripture was also talking about ‘treatments’ that people came to her for.  I was also talking about divine beings.   Prayer I wanted to shout constantly while I was reading.   It is not a treatment…it’s a prayer!  Divine beings?  Its God!  Irregardless, I finished the whole book.  But I was only able to read the whole thing by reading the book in terms of prayer and God, subconsciously (or maybe consciously) transposing the words that made this book emotionally palatable for my soul. 

So why did I continue reading if it made my soul hurt?  

I continued reading this book for two reasons.   The first reason was simply because it was recommended, I gave my word that I was reading it and I knew that my coworker and I would be discussing it during one of our chats this upcoming work week. (The word chat being used lightly as we communicate via various instant message type programs as she lives in California and I live in Maryland!)   The second reason?  The book was making a lot of sense for me!

You see, I ask God through my prayers for help with various things.  To lose weight. For a job that I enjoy.  For the opportunity to travel our gorgeous country…and even further our amazing world.  So many things.  Yet I flounder.   Now don’t get me wrong.  I have seen some amazing answers to prayers.  (Seriously.  I met Jason…and he actually loves me back!   Finding him and falling in love was an amazing answer to prayer!) but I flounder.  I beseech in prayer and then wait and flounder.  It becomes more of a dream that I playfully ask for. But nothing else.  

I have been doing two things wrong! 

The first is a simple one.  It is simply belief.  I have not believed.  I pray and I believe that it ‘can’ happen because of my prayers but I have lacked the deep rooted faith that my prayers will be answered. I need to put the faith behind my prayers. (And Dreams).

The second thing that I got from this book…and the thing I’ve been doing wrong goes hand in hand with the belief.  If you believe it so deeply, you will take the steps to prepare for the answer.  You have to think and believe the outcome.    The actions may be subconscious, something like standing straighter and more confident during a job interview.  Or they may be actual actions that we chose to take in order to get closer to the goal such as actually applying for a new position.   The important thing is to put the positive belief into your mind…your subconscious. Because once it’s there we will automatically start to live a life and make decisions based on those beliefs.  Prayer goes hand in hand with the actions in our lives.  Let’s look at the example of losing weight. 

I say I want to lose weight but what am I really doing?    Do I pray for it?  Sure.  Do I believe it?  Honestly,  of late I struggle with that, thinking instead that I will be fat forever.   Do I fill my mind with positive thin thoughts??  No. 

Years ago,  I used to use the phrase ‘Think Thin’.  Looking back at old posts I first used it in 2007!!!   I used it all the time.   But then I became thin and I stopped saying it…probably because I was thin.  Since I was thin, I thought I didn’t have to think it. (I was wrong…I will always have to THINK thin).  I was totally on the right track though when I started to say it!  Think thin.   Fill our minds with healthy and thin dreams and thoughts so that when those oh so difficult choices come along we will be so filled with thoughts of thin that choosing the carrot stick over a donut will be easy.  (Ok maybe that was a bad example but it still works!)  I explain it much more clearly in this post from 2018.

So how does this segue into my future…and specifically in the weight loss arena since this is a weight loss site?   I am going to be praying more fully for thinness to come back to my life and I am going to believe.  I am going to think thin since I know that my prayers can and will be answered in the most fabulous way for my life.

I leave with a picture of a bee….I’m not even going to come up with some witty comment about the bee and his faith….I’m putting it here just because I want to!

A thread

 I am holding on by a thread.  

Last week was rough.  I was also determined to make it through the week without overindulging with my food.  I was determined to keep my calories in check.  I was not going to let anything stop me!   I was super amazed with myself.  I managed to navigate a week off of work just fine.  My calories were in check each and every day!  I did it!  This was super exciting because I'm a stress eater.   But I did it!

And then came the weekend.  I did pretty good.....kinda.  UNTIL I made the edible cookie dough!  

I KNOW how many calories I have to eat (or not eat as the case may be) for me to post losses on the scale.  So why is it so darn difficult!  By the time the weekend was over I was eating....healthy but about 300-400 calories over my goal each day.  And while you may say "300 calories Maryfran, that's not a big deal"   For me and my body it is.  That is the difference between maintaining and losing.  That is sometimes even the difference between gaining and losing!  Insane?  Well yeah, sure.  But it is what it is!

The good thing?  I ate healthy foods.  I loved the Veggie pizza that Jason's mom sent home with us one day.  It was so full of veggies....nice and healthy!  I still had my fruit (that I share with Kiwi) and my veggies.  My calories were just a bit higher that they needed to be. (seriously, 1200 is hard to maintain daily!)

My exercise.....mostly non-existent. I went back to work this week. Jason is still at home as his boss gave him an extra week off for bereavement (and he needed the extra time).  That means that on my breaks instead of hopping on my exercise/spin bike, I went out to the living room to hang out with him.  He is more important at the moment!  

But.....dare I say that I am excited and looking forward to hopping on and getting some miles in again????????

I'm not setting the world on fire....but I AM present and I am not giving up!

I need to stop it!

You know the saying ‘best laid plans’?   Yeah,  I know it well!   I’ve remarked on it over and over on this website.  I make plans and vows and then something happens to throw a monkey wrench in the works.  It’s like clockwork!  And I need to stop it..no more monkey wrenches!

On Monday I wrote a post about where I was in this journey and I made my vow to turn things around…I made a strong vow!   I was ready to rock this journey and get it back on the right path.  Calorie counting, more religious and strict about my intake of food.  Everything.   I rocked out Monday!   I was on fire!  Nothing could stop me!

And then Tuesday morning Jason’s phone rang at 4AM.   We all know that nothing good comes from a phone call in the middle of the night.   And thus began a week of heartache and grieving.  I will not go into anything…it’s not my story to share.  (I’m an open book, he is not).  But I will say this…if you have kids…hug them just a bit tighter and tell them you love them, you never know when you will never have the chance again.

I made a decision on Tuesday while we were trying to get our feet under us.  I would NOT let the stress eating and the wild emotions in our house turn me away from my vow.

My calorie count has been below 1300 each day this week!  I have remained very conscious about the  decisions I have made.  Did I have a donut. When Jason wanted them?  Yes!  But I had one! I only bought one for myself.  And yes I enjoyed it.  But I kept it at one…even though that box that held a half dozen had empty slots for more donuts I bought ONE!  I knew if I purchased more for myself (flavors that I wanted) that I would eat them!   I’m heading into the weekend and I know that’s my difficult time.  But I’m determined.   Will there be more cake or donuts as we get through this time period?  I’m sure.  But I am confident that I CAN handle it and restrict myself to a healthier sized portion.

My mileage for my 2021, the one where I vowed to propel myself 2021 miles in 2021.   I have been slowly working on that…slow but consistent.  I get around 8-10 miles a day.  Steady and consistent.  This week….well not so much.   But that is ok.  Jason needed me more and I’ll get my miles completed.  (I was almost two months ahead so I’m on no danger of falling behind.) 

I’m determined…my vow to fix my weight issues is NOT getting sidetracked!

And now a picture of our pets.   Because…well it makes me smile!

I know.....

I know, I know, I know!   Last week I was all into grabbing the reins and rocking the week.  I was going to lose weight.  I was going to be amazing.  I was going to slay the weight!     But, it didn’t happen!  There is no excuse.  It was my choice.  (Darn food addiction and stress eating!)

It was a short work week.  It should have felt short, right?  But let me tell you, those three work days felt like a month of Sundays!  I kid you not!  What is worse,  Returning  to work brought back the stress and angst.  It also brought back the stress eating.  It brought back the loss of self control.  How does that translate into weight loss?  It doesn’t!  I didn’t lose weight...and I hovered at a high weight on the scales.    

Every day I woke up determined to “make good choices” and “stay strong” today.  And each day was yet one more failure.  Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t shovel in food like crazy.  I didn’t eat a full bag of potato chips in one sitting (no it took me three days...and in fairness it was a brand from Lancaster County,PA that I don’t get often!).    So no, in the grand scheme of things,  I didn’t do too bad. But... My portions were out of control.  I indulged in chocolate. I didn’t choose the healthiest options.  I wager a bet that if I would have tracked my food that I would have been roughly 1500-1700 calories...which sadly for me is NOT weight loss zone.  And in case you didn’t catch that, I didn’t track anything. 

By the weekend, I was feeling it.  I was sitting here feeling horrible about my current state.   I’m tired of hurting.   My legs hurt to walk on our evening walk.  A simple 1.5 mile walk and my legs were aching!   Finding clothes to wear over the weekend (something other than my normal weekday lounging clothes) that fit comfortably was a chore.  I just feel miserable and fat.  I won’t even try to sugar coat it.  In fact, I cried this weekend about where I’m at in terms of my weight loss.

Yes, I cried this weekend. I cried at the helpless feeling that courses through my veins.  I cried at the girl that had gotten the weight under control and was super active.  I cried for the fat woman I have once again have become.  I cried from the fear and worry that the damage that I have done to my body with this excess weight could be permanent.  My tears were a mixture of regret and fear.

But ultimately I know that to wallow in my tears is not the solution to my issues.  Yes, the damage I’ve done COULD be permanent.  But I don’t know that.  These aches and pains could all go away as I lose weight.  They did before!  I may be lucky a second time!   All I know is that I have to make some changes.

So what am I doing to move forward?

**  I don’t have any grand plan.   I am toying with buying a mountain bike 12 week program.  It is designed to better biking skills and there are testimonials about people losing mad weight whilst doing it.  (And they better their bike handling and skills at the same time due to better core strength from the cross training program.) 

**  I am going to be tracking my food.  No if’s ands or buts!

** There will be  consistency with my accountability...which means I’m back to checking in more frequently on this site...and yes, on my YouTube Channel also. 

** I will be adopting an attitude.....this straight and narrow is only for 4 weeks (12 if I follow that mountain bike program).  It’s only 4 weeks...who can’t do something short term.  I can deny myself a donut, a piece of cake, anything really because it’s ONLY 4 weeks that I’m asking for!  (I will reevaluate after the four weeks and re-up for another 4 if it was working!)

**  I plan on aiming for 1200 calories. That is what works for my body.   Now,  before people start screaming...I also don’t weigh my food.  I don’t measure my food.  I very well could be under tracking.  And that is ok.   I will just aim for lower calories...because it will give me the freedom to continue NOT measuring and weighing!   It’s a trade off...a bit of freedom in one area but a tightening of the restrictions in another!

**  I simply need to constantly remind myself of my goals, my currently aching body, the future that I want!

it’s not a really strong plan....but is is what I got right now!!!   It’s Monday...and it’s a new start!

Back to Work

I just had a glorious five days off of work!  The normal Memorial Day three day weekend occurred,  it I sandwiched that with a Friday and Tuesday off of work! Ahhh it was good!

the First two nights I still slept very poorly and woke from dreams about work and thoughts about work swirling through my head.  Not pleasant!  But after those two nights my body had let go of some of the stress and I started sleeping like a log!

As I mentioned in my Last post, I had a great Visit with my friends.  I also spent time running errands and doing the grocery shopping!  I wanted to have as many of those mundane things done so as to allow more time for flat out fun activities with Jason as he only had a three day weekend!

Saturday dawned and it was rainy and cold!  We relaxed at home.  We watched tv and just enjoyed our time at home!  We did get out of the house for a bit...but it was a very low key day!!  The animals enjoyed having us home for longer stretches!

Mertz loved curling up next to me...and of course our crazy conure, Kiwi had to be involved in everything also!

On Sunday we decided to go exploring a bit.  We went up to Gettysburg and walked all around town.  We did some geocaching while we were out and about and ended up in some interesting and neat places! The Round Barn Farmers Market was quite neat!

We enjoyed the dog jump competition that we stumbled upon also!!

We were tired but happy after our day of fun!

Monday rolled around and we decided to do more geocaching.  So that is Alexa fly what we did...went from geocache to geocache and learned more about the area!

At our very last geocache we saw an old abandoned school!

We circled the school and the back doors were open.  Of course we went in!!

We went home tired, sunburnt and happy.

Tuesday meant back to work for Jason and a dentist appointment for me.  (No cavities!). I then spent some time with mom.  And that rounded put my long glorious weekend!

I am ready to get back to being serious about my weight loss efforts. Not totally strict and unbending, but just a lot more cognizant.  I have maintained and now it’s time to tighten the reigns and lose.  I realized on Friday that this had to be done....but I knew with my commitments that this weekend was going to be just more of hanging on.  But since it is back to the routing as of tomorrow, it’s time to get serious!

it’s not easy...but it will be worth it!

Indifferent

I have been totally indifferent to my weight loss journey for the last week or so.   I’ve been just existing.   I know it’s not good!  I saw something today though...and it opened my eyes.

I am going to blame some of my issues are centered around work.   Work has been horrible.   As in dreaming and nightmare inducing horrible!  Yes it’s infringing upon my sleep.  Many nights I wake up from dreams about this job.  And it’s not good.

I have also been wondering about the fact that EVERY Friday night I have been wide awake most of the night, unable to sleep.  I have wondered if it was what I’m eating on Friday nights.  I have pondered the fact that on occasion I drink a soda on Friday nights.  But I think I have figured it out.  It’s none of the above.  It is the fact that I am so emotionally whipped at the end of the work week that my mind can’t relax.   I was off work today...on a Friday and I was curious about what my sleep would bring...and last night...Thursday night I was awake most of the night...with my mind racing...and dreaming about work.     ~sigh~  

food wise.  I’m not actually doing too horrible.  When I do track I find that my food is right around 1500 calories.  Not bad.  My weight is staying in a 2-3 pound range.  And I want the weight gone!!!

I was off work today.   It worked out well because I was able to spend an hour or two with my good friends who were traveling through the area!  It was a blessing!   

Before I met up with my friends, I ran some errands.  I was leaving one of the stores and saw a lady laboriously getting out of a truck.  She was huge.  She was probably my age..or younger.   She was struggling to walk.  Her partner walked slow but still outpaced her pretty quickly.   And my heart stopped.  That is going to be me if I don’t clean up my act  I’m not going in the right direction.    And let’s face it....maintaining at 250 pounds (ok I rounded up...it’s 246-248 most days) is not healthy either.  Sure I’m happy with a maintain...but  pathing about that weight is healthy. 

I am killing myself by my current apathy.  Sure, I’m not actively taking a gun to my head...but I am nonetheless killing myself with my actions.

this has to change!

Back and Forth

Things with my weight loss journey are just sorta sliding on with no thought or effort from me.  

I have not really done anything for my weight loss efforts recently.  Oh yeah, I’m aware of what I’m eating and doing.    But I’m not consciously trying to ‘do the right thing’.   I guess you could say that I’m just eating intuitively.  Trying to eat when I’m hungry and just ignore food when I’m not.  (And believe me...for a food addict...ignoring food is difficult!).  Maybe that is what the grander plan of this period of just sitting back has been.  (And yes, I pray quit a bit for guidance and direction and help for this weight loss journey!). Maybe I had to sit back and learn (re-learn) to listen to my body.  To follow the signs of my body in regards to what and when I eat!    I’m far from being a master at it, but I think I have done well.  Seriously....read this little vignette from this past weekend and you tell me if I’m doing well!

One night this past weekend we ordered Chinese.  And I didn’t order any spring rolls.  Jason asked if there was any reason.  I honestly said ‘I’m just not overly hungry’.  Jason’s eyes  grew wide and he immediately reached over and jokingly felt my head as if checking to see if I had a fever. Ok, he was probably seriously checking!  I can’t remember what he said but it was something to the affect of ‘that’s just so out of the ordinary for you to one, say you aren’t hungry and two to actually heed the signs.  

I have still not started to track.   Believe me. I wanted to.  I planned on it.   But I kinda forget to do it.   I am out of the habit and need to restart that habit.   As I wrote this I realize that I am somewhat curious as to where my calorie count has been.   I think I may work to not change what I’m doing, but track my food.  That might be interesting.  But in the long run I know that where I AM eating in terms of calories, I will have to cut back because I’m NOT losing weight.

I don’t talk about it much, but I am still hot on the trail of meeting my yearly challenge to propel myself 2021 miles in 2021.  I wrote about the challenge Here if you are interested.  I recently crossed the halfway mark. 

We had a nice weekend.  It was a quiet one.  We didn’t exactly do anything crazy.  Lots of errands and lots of relaxation.  About the only thing we did activity wise was an hour or two of walking in the big (and old) graveyard near us.  

So what is my weight doing?  I already alluded to the fact that I’m not losing.    Well, my weight is on a seesaw in a two to three pound range.  I pop up but then effortlessly go back down.  It’s a weight I am NOT happy with.  But I own it.  It’s my weight and I know that by owning it I have the power to change it!

It Was A Bust

This week was a total bust!    I made myself promises and vows and I went belly up on all of them!  It was just one of those weeks!

I wrote last week About my upcoming stressful week and boy was I right.  It was stressful.   No, as I wrote this on Friday morning before work let me rephrase that to say it IS stressful.   It was as confusing and messed up as I expected.  There is something horrible about working with someone that expects you to know the most basic of answers and you sit there and have no clue!  It’s a bad bad feeling and it was repeated time and time again this past week!   But it is what it is.  I have survived and I will continue to survive I’m sure.

In the midst of this week I had a job interview for a job promotion within my company.  I feel as if I spoke in riddles and didn’t have one coherent thought during the interview. Hopefully the two interviewers were able to understand my ramblings (or what I feel was ramblings).  If I get the job good...if not it’s ok.  It is a job that I have heard is one of the hardest jobs in our division of the company. It is also the stepping stone...pay your dues position...as I have been told by a few others. So   I’m ok with either outcome of the interview ...but seriously...and interview in the middle of a stressful launch???   But hey...I survived!

What didn’t survive?  My healthy eating goals.   I tracked nothing. I barely drank water.  I ate a lot more carbs then I should have.   I totally bombed on any semblance of trying to lose weight.  

It was so bad that last night I wasn’t hungry.  I knew I wasn’t hungry when started to eat dinner.  But dinner was something I don’t have often and something I love! So I ate it anyway!  And then I laid in bed all last night with a stomach ache!  I ate myself sick!    I haven’t done that in a long time...and I don’t like the feeling.  I won’t even vow to not do it again...because while I don’t plan on it, I know it will most likely happen.  Human nature.   But yeah, that shows how bad my eating has been.  

Right now I am just going to focus on one foot in front of the other.  This journey is hard and I’m struggling!!!

I caved...kinda

I have almost anally eschewed any fad diets, ideas and health plans!   South Beach, Beach Body, Atkins, Keto....nope!  Sure I know of the plans but I have adamantly held firm to the belief that I need a balance in my life.   So I probably don’t even have to say that I have also stayed away from pills and potions.  So what in the world was I thinking when I sat and watched a video for one of these fads?

I woke up the other morning and lay in bed whilst Jadon was in the shower.  I picked up my phone and started to scroll.  It wasn’t long before I stumbled upon an ad for some diet fad.  I honestly don’t know what possessed me to read the ad.  And even more confounding is the fact that I clicked the video to watch.  The video droned on...‘I ate three donuts for breakfast and lost weight anyway and I didn’t even exercise’.  Oh yes the video was preaching a plan that included no exercise needed and you could eat anything you want and yet still lose weight.  Of course I didn’t believe that.  But I kept watching.  Eventually I just wanted to know what the gimmick for this plan was.  

I actually never stuck around to even get the name of the product.  But I stayed long enough to get the ‘science’ and concept behind the gimmick.   Gut health...good intestinal bacteria versus bad intestinal bacteria.  I listened and something intrigued me about this science. I vowed to do my own research....right after I got out of the shower.   I stopped the video.  I had heard enough.

I started my research within a half hour of watching that video.   I didn’t go too deep.  I went far enough to see what some of the main symptoms of imbalanced bacteria within us might bring.    And while I found that gut bacferia doesn’t cause weight loss or weight gain, the ‘gut health’ and bacteria do have a ripple affect that will affect my overall efforts to lose and maintain weight.   But the big thing that got me was that one of the main symptoms is sleep disturbances.  Sleep disturbances have been  the highlight of my previous year.  (I’ve been blaming it on my age...and that may be the reason...but who knows!)

I read the foods to eat to support good gut health.   Ironically enough I used to eat perfectly for good gut health.  Seriously,  when I lost all that weight I ate sauerkraut at least 5 days a week...it was almost like a free food because the calories were so low!! (And way back when, it was one of the few free foods on Weight Watchers).    But when I divorced my eating went way out of whack.  I ate poorly.  I didn’t eat the organic food...the plethora of veggies...and for the last two years before Jason and I moved to our place, I was eating out for almost every meal...lots of processed foods, fried foods and sugar!   Did my body get out of whack???

I’m not buying into the hype.  But I researched good foods to eat.  I haven’t been eating the natural foods that add healthy bacteria...but I plan on starting again!   In the meantime, taking a probiotic can’t hurt!  (I have lately been doing quite well with the prebiotic rich foods so that was a lessor concern for me!)    

So wish me luck!   Weight loss would be nice.  Better sleep would be nice (literally Friday night I fell asleep and woke up wide awake 2 hours later and couldn’t go back to sleep....by 3 or so on Saturday afternoon I was a sight, I was so tired!)!   But overall if I improve my health...it’s a win!

We had a good weekend.  We had a quick trip to see my mom and to visit Jason’s parents on Saturday. It was Mother’s Day so we wanted to see our moms!   

On Sunday we ran our errands and then we spent the afternoon  geocaching.  It was a bit drizzly and overcast  for a good portion of the day but it was perfect for geocaching.   And our geocaching took us to some interesting places.

We went to a park and three old graveyards.  The graveyards were neat.  Some of the graves were from the early 1800’s.

The time at the park was just a good time since we were outside and able to be in nature!

Now back to work...and the weekday grind.  It is going to be a super stressful week for me at work. Lots going on!  I’m determined to not allow the stress to drive me to the kitchen!  I’m determined to keep my eating under control!!!!

Sitting on the Fence

This week has not been a raging success.   This week has not been a colossal failure.   This week has simply been a steady line.  And honestly...for that, I am amazed because the week has been nuts!

Yes...you read that right.  In terms of weight loss...I am sitting still. My numbers from last week to this week remained largely the same.  There was not much fluctuation on the scales. On one hand that totally disgusts me.  I’m not eating crazy amounts of food.  I’m eating 1400-1500 calories daily.   Typically I limit my carbs.  I haven’t done too badly overall.  So it is annoying as all get out that I’m still sitting here with the scales not moving. However, this week has been nuts at work!   I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth.   There is a new launch at work.  Hopelessness, confusion, stress, worry and feelings of being overwhelmed are just a smattering of feelings that have courses through me this week. And let me tell you, those feelings linger and stay within me even after the work day is over.  The launch of these new (to me and my coworkers)  products is slated for Monday...ready or not.   And I do NOT feel ready.  The last launch of something new was 2-3 months ago and that launch week brought tears and a really rough first week.....and I felt prepared for that launch...unlike this one.  So I fear next week...thus incredible stress.    I am vowing to eat right and not let the stress drive me toward food.   And I plan to continue with my exercise bike rides on my breaks/lunch.    I want a loss...but I know that realistically a maintain this week and next will be a victory!  

It’s been a rainy week but Jason and I have managed to dodge the raindrops and have continued to get our after work walks in each night.  We got wet/damp one or two nights..but never drenched.   The forecast isn’t looking good today...so we shall see about tonight’s walk!

I am still on track with my  2021 mile challenge!  It is rare that I don’t get my minimum requirement of 6 miles for each day. So I’m happy with that!

Mertz has stayed close to me while I have been at work.  Many days she gets on my desk and is in my face.  She must be sensing my stress...she hasn’t been in my face and on my desk...but I have caught her a few times laying on the cat braided mini rug! My girl staying close!

Shifting my Focus

A new week a new start...that should have been my title for this post!  But....I have had that title, or something like that soooo many times that I just couldn’t bear to do it!  So shifting focus....

Last week was a really rough week in my weight loss journey.   I totally stopped .....oh I didn’t go totally off the rails.   I stopped watching and focusing on my fruits and veggies.   Water?  What’s that!   And when I went back and randomly checked the calories on some days I was amazed to find myself in the correct range.   Notice I said when I went back randomly. Yeah, I didn’t track!

I struggled to write anything.  I struggled to make any videos.  I struggled to share my ...well my struggle.  As my angst grew my frustration followed in intensity.  This journey is difficult!  This journey to lose weight is one of the hardest things I have ever done!    It’s definitely not for the faint at heart!

I was sitting at my desk yesterday at work and looking over at my closet of crafts and hobby supplies.  (Mostly dollhouse stiff but also camera gear).  I knew that I just needed to step away from my YouTube channel for my weight loss journey.  It is too cumbersome at the moment.  It is too much. I spend hours with comments.  I spend time planning, filming and editing my videos.  I feel as if my recent videos are slapped together and not well done.  And that bothers me.   I knew that it was time to step back.  I plan on posting a ‘taking some time’ video’ just to note what is happening. and I do plan on returning.  But I need to step back and refocus on what is important.....me.    That doesn’t mean that I am quitting my journey. It just means that I am going back to the basics.  Focusing on me.  I am not walking away from this site either.  I will be continuing to chronicle my fluctuating journey here.   And I plan on just being me.

I am totally at peace with this decision for the moment.  At least until the desire and creativity kick back in and at that time it will be the time to reevaluate.

We had a good weekend.   We got in a nice long bike ride.

We actually went about 20 miles on the canal.  My legs were a bit sore at the end. And my butt..I didn’t realize how sore that was until Monday when I sat my behind on the exercise bike seat.  OUCH!   But it was a fabulous day to be outside!  (And I didn’t let the sore butt deter me from my required miles on Monday...for those down also!)

Weeven saw an owl...up close and personal!  There were a bunch of photographers there taking pictures so we stopped and watched for a bit also.

I am frustrated beyond belief.  I’m sick of this journey.  But I am not icing up.  I know I can do it, I’ve done it before.   I can do this!!!

No Excuses

 There is a reason that I made my Youtube channel's name No Excuses.  I wanted to stop allowing excuses to rule my existence and to allow myself to have success.  Because Success only comes when we give up the excuses!!!

I did it...but

We had a great weekend....but.    

I started out my weekend on Friday morning.  I had the day off so I spent it with my mom.  We had some random errands to run and we got everything on  

mount list completed so I was happy!   One of the items to do was for me to get a pair of slip on (backless) tennis shoes to wear around the house.   I am hoping that wearing a shoe every time I am on my feet will help eliminate some of this plantar fasciitis mess!  If it helps  I will feel embarrassed that I went a year with pain to only find that wearing shoes 24-7 fixed it...but after 2.5 days I am cautiously optimistic.  My foot does still hurt but it hasn’t been too bad this weekend!  I had some pictures from the day.....but.......

On Saturday we headed out in the morning to one of our mushroom locations!  We were out hiking for about two hours, but that spot was just a dry mushroomless barren ground for us!  I took pictures of the nice scenery though!  BUT........

Since mushroom hunting was a bust, we headed home and grabbed our bikes!  We just went to the canal but we got a nice ride in!  Boy....switching bike seats sure does make my keister hurt!  But it will toughen up!   We enjoyed the fabulous weather, the time in on our  bikes, some light mushroom hunting and the day together!  I took pictures....but!

On Sunday we headed out to our mushroom spot that has been generous with us this year.   We knew that due to the projected weather that this would most likely be the last of the morel mushroom hunting for this year!  Our spot was very generous with us again!  We were out for a few hours...crisscrossing and circling trees....following animal trails...tromping through brush and briars!   I even stopped to take a picture....but.....

About three hours into our successful mushroom hunting expedition I reached down to grab my phone to take a picture!  It was going to be a beauty!  Only....my phone was not there!!  My phone had somehow become dislodged from my possession!   We used the find my phone feature on my watch and Jason kept calling my phone so that I would know should we be close to my phone and we headed back into the woods.  But we had walked and roamed aimlessly (well not really aimlessly...we covered the woods like a blanket) for three hours prior to me noticing the absence of my phone.  Were we at this tree?  Or was it the tree over there?  Let me see if my phone is close to us.  Nope....we aren’t close enough to the phone...let’s walk a bit further. We never got any reaction from my phone. It was like finding a needle in a haystack.  A needle that we never found. After an hour of searching I admitted defeat.

My only consolation was that my phone was old and was going to have to be replaced within the next year anyway.  Ok, that’s not much of a consolation is it.   I was also consoled that I did have the money to buy another phone outright....but once again...not much of a consolation because that purchase was taking away from my quest to save money for a down payment for a house!

We left the woods and we headed to the store....yup...I am now the owner of a new phone.  And a good chunk of money poorer!  I will say though....the newest iPhone cameras are amazing!   (IPhone 12 Pro Max).   Zoom is crystal clear...even in lower light!  I will be enjoying grabbing pictures!    I just need to figure out how to superglue it to my fingers whilst hiking and mushroom hunting!!

Random facts:

**Luckily I am pretty good about backing up my photos from my phone.  So I only lost about a week or so of pictures!  (Including all the pictures from this weekend)

**I am not planning on downloading the scores of mindless games that I had on my previous phone....they are a mindless waste of time and I feel I would do much better with things that are enriching to my mind.

**I almost caved with the games last night in the middle of the night while I laid in bed wide awake!!  But I held firm and downloaded them NOT!

**An app to post on my this blog was one of the very first things I downloaded.

**Kiwi was the subject that I used to test the camera the most.   (The picture below is zoomed in...I was sitting about 10 -15 feet away!)

**I managed to grab one or two of Jason whilst he was being silly also. But I swore I would not post them on Facebook....bit wait...this isn’t Facebook is it?? Hmmmmm

**This was the first phone I ever lost or broke!!   May it be the last!

**I have been with iPhone since my very first smart phone....which I got so the in a year or so of them coming on the market.  It is what I know and am comfortable with.  Jason loves his Android/galaxy phones.  But I still love him anyway!  Hahaha 

So you get a mostly pictures blog post today!

As for my weight....I showed a maintain but I ate like a starving pig all weekend long...crazy foods...not much healthy about my food intake this weekend!  

A resurgence of passion

I used to......that was one of those phrases that I have used heavily in the last 6.5 years since I said goodbye to my marriage.  When I left the marriage I said goodbye to a lot of my habits, hobbies and thoughts.  Ok I also said goodby to some toxic people also!  But today we are talking about the so called passions it life that I walked away from.

Before the end of my marriage I was very interested in photography.  I was rarely without my camera gear.  Honestly, photography saved my soul. It made me look at the world as a beautiful place... and that was important for someone who’s world was a very dark, lonely and depressed place.  But as soon as I was free from that dark place it was like a switch had flipped off.  I couldn’t even bear to pick up the cameras.  It was as if all those years of sadness had been soaked up by the cameras and whenever I held the camera it was as if the sadness came pouring back outward.  I honestly contemplated selling my camera gear.  It never happened, simply because I couldn’t find a buyer (not that I looked too hard).  The gear sat mostly unused for months and even years.  That was the first thing that came back.   It was about a year or so ago that I felt the itch.  I pulled out the camera and while I don’t carry it with me constantly as before, I am happy to have it back in my life.

This past weekend I had another resurgence of a passion.  Years ago I found some old bottles and found that they interest me greatly.   For years I slowly built  a collection and actively searched for bottles.   I diligently packed them up and put them in storage when the marriage ended.   I talked about selling the bottles.  I once again couldn’t find a seller and didn’t take the time to sell them one piece at a time.   Those boxes sit in storage.    But this past weekend we were out hiking and looking for mushrooms (morel season). One of our spots must have at one time been a dump...at least that’s my guess...based on the old appliances ....laying higher and yon.   There are bottles scattered over the area also.  The first time we hunted there this year I just looked at them and laughed about ‘would have been a day when I was all excited about these bottles’ and just walked onward.  But this past weekend....Something snapped and I couldn’t pass them by.  By the time we got back to the car my backpack was full of bottles.  I revived the website on which I had them listed (that was a journey as I have no access to the email that the website was registered under...and didn’t have the password.).  I am excited to dig into the research of some of these bottles and to continue the research on all of my bottles.   Resurgence.

I have been trying to figure out how to revamp and utilize my websites.  I have way to many sites and blogs.  I have the bottles and some recipes on one site. I have a site with pictures of various neon signs.  (They are just fun to find and they are disappearing!). I have this site, my YouTube channel and I also have at blog for my dollhouse adventures.   It’s crazy!   I need to streamline!!!  Lol

Meanwhile...the plantars fasciitis is kicking up a storm!  By the end of the weekend and lots of hiking (two full days) my could barely walk!   I have had flare ups before but this one has been going on too long!  This one is by far the worst pain.   This one is driving me to near insanity!   I bought a new boot...I’ve taped..I’ve rolled...I’ve iced.  I have good days and think something is working and then it flaws up to horrible pain.   I have been noticing that it seems worse after working in the kitchen...barefoot.   So I have started wearing a pair of shoes (slip ons) whilst in the kitchen.  Oh yes I look a sight as I am usually wearing black exercise pants...Capri length...white socks and black dress shoes.   But I think it may be getting a bit better...  so I plan on buying a pair of slip on tennis shoes this weekend to wear around the house.  Why skip ons?  Because I hate shoes and I know when I am lounging on the couch I want my shoes OFF...but if I have to constantly tie and untie shoes I won’t wear them.  So slip ons!   This is my second to last option before the nuclear option.  Unless someone else has any suggestions). My next route is to try the ‘Good Feet Store’.  They apparently sell inserts for shoes...from what I understand quite pricy.  (I’ve hear a couple hundred for a pair of inserts).   But if it fixes the issue it would be worth it!  After that is medical intervention.....and I know that could include surgery.   So here goes nothing!!!

Impossible vs Diffcult

 

Giving up

 This past week was incredibly difficult for me.  I really struggled with emotions and direction.  I'm......well..... Ok, lets just dive in with no fancy intro.  I apologize for my more bullet style entry...but somedays it is just like that.

I felt like giving up most of this week.  I wondered if the pressure of being so transparent on this blog and on my youtube channel is too much.  Is the pressure of responding and commenting and creating wearing me down or helping me?    I had visions of packing up the youtube channel and calling it quits. 

 I honestly never had a full fledged idea of giving up my blog.  I like writing in it too much.  But seriously...how many times will I write about my amazing new start, my colossal failures to lose weight, my scattering moments of success........well you get the point.

Admittedly, it was mostly the youtube that was dragging me down.  I love doing it...but lately I feel that I am just slapping videos together to 'get them done'.  I feel like I am doing things halfway.  And that bothers me. 

Coupled with these feelings of being totally bogged down with my self imposed outlets and accountability is the fact that while my calories are perfectly in line, my water consumption is spot on, I'm an exercising demon....the scales are not cooperating.   

I'm telling you, the struggle was real!  I never gave up on myself.  But I stepped back from almost everything related to this blog and my channel.  I still don't know what I am doing.  I want them to be fun.   I don't know if that will mean that I simply write when the mood strikes and post videos when the mood strikes versus on a more set schedule or what. 

All  I know is that I desperately needed the break this past week.  I needed the time to not worry about responding to comments on the youtube channel (and when I reply to a comment I will always go to the other persons channel and watch a video....it takes time) and I didn't want to worry about making videos either!         

Finally on Friday I went back and watched some videos and read some blogs and I felt a small spark of excitement....and the desire to complete a video.....so we shall see!   But right now, I'm taking it one day at a time.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

Impossible today Can be Easy tomorrow!

 Sometimes we have to take a step back to see where we have come from.  Because what once seemed impossible can very well now be your warmup...your every day easy routine!!!!!!!

What in the world???

How does time pass by so quickly???   It seems as if the older I get the faster time flies!   It’s absolutely insane!  But hey, I’m just hanging on for the ride!!!

I actually had a really good week in terms of my healthy habits!   I maintained my 5 servings of fruits and veggies each and every day!   I also quite nicely managed to drink no less than 64 ounces each day and most days I was much closer to 100 ounces.

Work was ....work.

Exercise was spot on again.   I rode the exercise bike daily and we walked after work each weekday.  Nailed the daily stuff!

Over Easter Weekend we managed to get in a hike! And we also got out on our bikes for the first outdoor ride!

The work week brought the normal stuff.... but this last weekend brought lost more time outside!!!

We hiked on Saturday. 

We hiked again on Sunday!

And we were on the go the whole time!  I have been icing my heel religiously and that seems to be making a difference....after the fact.   When I’m don’t hiking my foot feels like....hell!

I even went ‘gangster’ during our one hike.  Ok ok ok, my glasses were fogging up and the ball cap was restricting air flow behind the glasses...so I had to turn it around and wear it as a gangster!  

Now the weekend is over and it’s time to get this work week done.   It will be a busy week.   There will be rides on the exercise bike, after work walks, an evening eye appointment to get my eyes checked (Yup....I am 99.9% sure I’ll be reporting the switch to bifocals/progressives).   There will be lots of water drinking and many many fruits and veggies.  The weigh will hopefully come off....but if it doesn’t, I’m not concerned...because I know that I will have taken steps to BE healthy.

Friday Ramblings

 As I sit down to write today I am not sure what I am going to write about.  My mind has a gazillion things flying through it, but I just don't know what I want to say.  So this will probably be a rambling post about a lot of different things.

Easter Weekend

We had a good Easter Weekend.  We spent Saturday outside.  The morning was spent hiking in the woods.  I was hiking, Jason was intent on mushroom hunting...but alas it was still too early for mushrooms, at least in our area.  It feels good to be outside.  There is something mentally cleansing about being in the woods.  We finished our hike, ran into a one or two stores and did some errands before heading home to pick up our bikes. Our bikes had been in the shop getting tune ups, so this would be the first outdoor bike ride of the year!  Yay!   It was later by the time we got on our bikes, so we knew it was going to be a short ride, but we were excited nonetheless.  

On Sunday we headed to my mom's house in the morning and spent some time there and had lunch with the family.  But around 2:30 or so we headed to Jason's parents house to spend a bit of the holiday with them.  We left there at around 5 and headed home....just in time to hang out with our bird and cat and relax a bit before starting the work week again    

Another great weekend.....but way too short

Death in the Family

About a week or so Jason and I experienced a death in the family.  Our pretty Betta fish passed away and is no more.   All of the other pets are doing well...so that's good. 

The second death was my water bottle. The top broke!!!!!!  BOOOO  Luckily I was able to order a new one from Amazon and it arrived this week......and it's quite 'purty'.  

Healthy Pursuits

I have been actually doing great with my habit/goal of making sure that I eat at least 5 servings of fruits and veggies each day.  It has been somewhat easy.  I admit to eating a lot of my servings at lunch.  It works well for me though because they are bulk.......and it fills me up and lessens the temptation to go for less healthy food items.  I am not fussy about how my veggies are prepared at this point.  I've had broccoli casserole (think cream of chicken soup as one of the ingredients and topped with crushed cheezits) and cole slaw and broccoli salad all with their creamy mayo  based dressings.   But I'm still getting the nutritional value of those veggies.

I have been doing great with my calories also. The fruits and veggies keeps my calorie count lower than it would be if I were eating all sorts of other foods.    I did have one less than stellar day.......Easter Sunday.  I tried to pick my food carefully at lunch.  I tried to fill up on the veggies.  I did have a slice of ham some mashed potatoes and a roll.  But I counted for each bite!   The problem came when we were heading for home and knew we needed to find dinner.  We tried a few places but they were all closed for the holiday.  We ended up eating fast food.  Yes, I know...fast food!  I ordered chicken tenders.......and french fries...because why not!  But then I saw the onion rings.   I couldn't resist.  I topped it all off with a diet soda! (My first in about 2 or 3 weeks).    Dinner was good  But it threw my daily calories well over 2K.  Ohhhh and let us not forget the homeade peanut butter eggs that were sent home with us!  I had a bite of one! 

So I wasn't too shocked to see the numbers on the scale go up on Monday morning.  I mean...I ate fast food!  BUT  I was absolutely appalled to see the numbers jump by 5 pounds.  5 stinkin' pounds overnight!    Yeah, you can say 'it's water' or whatever.  But let me tell you...it's not just dropping off.  I"m drinking water like a made woman.....but the pounds are just slowly inching off.  Frustrating!  We shall see how my 'official weigh in' goes....but I am not feeling too hopeful!

Life in general

I’m trying to focus on things that make me happy.  So I have been working on my dollhouses.  I’ve had a blast making radiators...and doing lots of those little touches that makes a house a home.  

But I just can’t help but think there is more to life than working all day...being beaten down by managers that seem to feel that negativity is the way to get more work from employees....and just coming home so tired that I’m useless each evening.  Yes, I literally live for the weekends.

I pray for a change...but I’m not sure where to go to find the change.  I (we to some extent...because Jason and I discuss this a lot) grasp at straws.  Could candle making be the answer......wait tables.....open a bird supply store........stripper.....go back to school.....soap, I’ll make soap to sell......bum on the corner holding a sign?   Ok so I’m not seriously thinking about some of those options...but I do tend to grasp at straws.  

All I know is that there  has to be more to life than working myself to the point of being mentally exhausted each day!

Soooo. That’s my rambling thoughts.  Not much happening here...just rolling through the week and counting down until the weekend while I eat my fruits and veggies!