Some deep pondering

How?  How can I want something so bad and well......

This is a dismal post, so be forewarned.

I stepped on the scales this morning.  Dismal.  I almost broke into tears.  My weight is up.  It could be water retention from the monthly ick.  Or, it could be the McDonalds breakfast that I had yesterday morning.   It could be water retention from the fact that I've drank almost no water.  It could be partly because I had already had breakfast before I weighed myself.  It could be the raspberry cobbler I ate last night for dinner. Or the cookie dough that I snitched at my mom's house on Saturday.  Lots of reasons.

My foot has been bothering me of late.  It could be the fact that I moved furniture and cleaned on Saturday and Sunday......barefoot.  It could just be nature and the way it's going to be from now on.  Or it could be the impact that I'm putting onto my feet.  (however, it's the tarsal nerve that is bothering me most.....the heel is just sporadic).   Whatever the cause....DISMAL.

I love the runners high I feel after I get back from a run.  I LOVE the way running makes me feel.  But is it worth it if I"m going to continue to feel pain in this foot?  Ok, being honest....I didn't run this weekend and my foot is bothering me more than had I gone running...so maybe I'm just looking for a scape goat.  Who knows.  I do know this.......I am going to run my Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving day.  After that I am going to reevaluate.  I may HAVE to go more toward a bike or something with less impact.  I may have to decide that 3-5 miles is my limit...and maybe at the most 3 times a week.   I know I don't want to be in pain and I don't like this foot pain!

That said, I wrapped my foot .....both for the dorsum pain (which is where my tarsal nerve bothers me) and for the plantars fasciitis.  I was worried.  My foot twinged a bit....but I'm glad I went..I needed the stress relief!!!!!  

Ahhhh

Eating went well yesterday.  I didn't cave and indulge in the myriad of snacks that are always laying around my work. That victory is even sweeter because my coworkers were indulging around me!   I ate more for dinner but then dropped my planned ice cream snack.  All was good.

I've already got today's food planned out.  Just need to stick with the plan!!!  I've got this!!!   No more sitting at the same weight!  No more wasting time!!!  

My run went well yesterday.   My legs hurt and my mind screamed at me to stop, but I kept going and had a nice fast (for me) run with and average mile pace of 12:47. Awesome!!  It was stinking cold though...  32 degrees with a windchill of 20.  Brrrrrrr.     Oh well...it's only the first few steps....the first tenth of a mile that's truly horrible in terms of being cold.   After I get running I'm comfortable!     I don't have 'cold weather' running clothes either...it's a layer game.  It works...and I'm planning on dropping weight and needing new clothes soon....I'm not wasting my money...layers work just fine.  When I get to my goal weight, I will revisit the possibility of investing money in winter running /exercise gear.

Zumba was fun, as usual.  I was a bit sore, tired and achy all day (after my run).  I was concerned about completing Zumba...but once there and started, I was fine and was able to kick it!   

Tonight is marked a Zumba night, however I'm going to ride the exercise bike today instead.  My foot was bothering me a bit yesterday.....so I'm going to give it a rest from high impact activities......and I have a run scheduled tomorrow.  :-).   (No worries, my health is more important than my workout schedule...if the foot be ones an issue, I will rework the whole blasted schedule to remove running and admit temporary defeat on the running front as I move to lower impact activities!)

Eh

My eating yesterday was 'eh'. I tracked ever bite, so that's good.  However I was over budget in what I ate.  I was doing ok, had my eating totally planned out fur the day.....and then 4pm rolled around and I got a case of 'the hungries'! I caved and had a bit of a snack.   I didn't immediately run to the kitchen to eat.  I tried to hold off for a bit...made myself busy to see how I would feel a bit later.  So....I ate some of my hard earned exercise calories!  Could be worse, I could have not earned those calories!!!

Today I am scheduled for a morning run and an evening Zumba.   I'm up and determined to not deviate!   The schedule has said to run.  :-). Today is a simple two miler.   I'll probably run the north loop at the battlefield which is about 2.3 miles.   My training schedule that I set up this month is keeping me at about 2-3 miles....not pushing any longer runs this month.  I'm just focusing on the Turkey Trot that I'll be running on thanksgiving day.   Shhhhh, dont tell anyone but I want to set a PR!!   I don't have any goal other than it be faster than my previous best time (which was 38:20). I'm currently running a consistent 13 minute pace. (Which is what I was running when I ran my 38:20)   I know that the race excitement will propel me a bit faster.  Either way, I will beat my time from last years turkey trot!!!

So, off to run I go!!!!

Because it says to do it

So far so good.   I made my workout schedule the other day.   I made it on Thursday or Friday and typical of me, I didn't really kick in any working out until Sunday.  Yeah yeah yeah, I wanted to build up to it...that's the way I roll.  My workout schedule/calendar was put on the refrigerator and I was ready to go...I just had to wait until the first day.

Saturday  night rolled around and as I was heading to bed I looked at Todd and said "I have a run scheduled for tomorrow morning.  I will be waking up early, completing my run and then I will come home and help you do all the stuff that you want to do in the yard."   He had no problems with my plan so I was set. The schedule spoke and that was the way it was going to be.

Sunday morning I woke up and because the 'schedule said it was so' there was no question about what I was doing.   I ran.  Plain and simple.   Now, I have to admit that I was scheduled to run three miles and I miscalculated and only ran 2.7 miles.  Oops.   I'm still happy with myself though!

On the schedule today is zumba.  


The crazy thing?   I've been floundering lately with my eating.  Not really 'bad' eating, but definitely not healthy eating.   Basically 'maintain my weight' eating.   Yesterday I went running.  I did some yard work and house work and hit the shower at about 10 or 11AM.  I was in the shower and ll of a sudden it hit me.  I was filled with a sense of excitement about this journey again.  For the last few months I have been just trudging along on this journey.  I've wanted the end result and I've never lost the desire....but it was a pure chore.   All of a sudden yesterday I was excited about this journey!   I'm not making promises about the future but I'm just saying that right now I am filled with a sense of excitement about this journey!

I have two months (minus 11 days) until the new year.  I am holding steady at right around 220 pounds.  My challenge is to be at 200 by the new year.    I am really trying to not think about the 4 months that I just wasted.  Yes, I wasted them.  I exercised halfway regularly (just not as much running) through that time yet I ate less than stellar and I have pretty much maintained.  What a waste of time.......I could have been at my goal weight if I had trucked on and lost 10 pounds a month.  I could have been at least CLOSE!

Oh well.......looking toward the future and NOT the past! 

The Frugal Dieter

Last night Todd was unexpectedly home.  I had not planned any dinner nor had I had lunch.  What did I do?  Well I ran out to get us subs.  I wasn't worried about calories (although I've been VERY VERY BAD at actually tracking my calories.   I'm vowing here and now to pick back up on that RELIGIOUSLY.  If you use myfitnesspal, please feel free to follow me...I'm mfclingan on there!) as I hadn't eaten lunch (we had a big breakfast and I just wasn't hungry before I left for work at 11:45).   So I found myself in a small town convenience store at 6:30 as hungry as a bear while they dude behind the counter made our subs.

I am not going to lie and say I wasn't tempted with chips, cookies, pretzels, tasty cakes and all the snack foods that were laying around calling out my name.  I'm not even going to pretend that I didn't finger each and every item.  I did.  I picked up item after item with a loving sigh as I thought about how good it would taste.  However, in each case I quickly flipped the item over and read the calorie count and nutritional information.  In each case I put it down.  I settled on a simple bag of chips (individual size) to take home to share with Todd. 

But what really struck me, once again was how our society makes obesity so darn easy.  I also picked up a diet soda.  I was at first debating between a fountain drink or a bottled diet Pepsi.  I quickly settled on the big bottle....not the 2 liter the next size down (the fountain drinks get watered down more quickly...the big bottle would last me through the night...and even give me a little treat the next night...perfect!)   Budget conscious as ever I was looking at price and then happened to notice something.  I took some pictures because even though I was buying soda....this shows how it is soooo easy to overeat and overindulge in our society!





As you can see the bottle size that I ended up buying.  One dollar and sixty nine cents!








And here is a picture of the 2 liter size bottle...same drink.   One dollar and eighty nine cents!






Yes, the larger amount is more expensive....but only by 20 cents.  It is much more cost efficient to buy the larger product.  I picked up a diet soda 2 liter.  I was going to do it.  Hey, it's a better deal!   But then it hit me.  That mentality brought me to this point and I don't want to be there anymore.  Just because I could get double the amount for only twenty cents didn't make it a wise option for me.  You see, even though I was drinking diet soda, having the two liter would mean that I wouldn't even attempt to drink my water the next day as I would be drinking my diet Pepsi from the get go.   Now think about the ramifications calorie wise if I had been drinking regular Pepsi or the Mountain Dew in the pictures?   What about the dinner portion versus the lunch portion at a restaurant?  Price wise, it's so incredibly cost efficient to get the larger size, but that frugal side of myself can be a real deterrent to my weight loss efforts.

Frugality and weight loss do not necessarily go hand in hand!  (and I bought the smaller version of that diet soda!)

I have to set up a training program for myself and STICK TO IT regardless.  I have a 5k in about 20 days.  Uhhhhh I have been running once....maybe twice a week.  That is NOT enough.  Ok, it's enough to get me to stumble through the race... but it's not enough.  I want to do BETTER.  I want to be strong and capable.  So that is my goal for this weekend.  Two things need to happen....

I have been spending the last few days trying to get a few projects off my plate.

1.  I have a ton of pictures that needed matted and bagged and carted up to my mom.....she has a booth at the City Market and has had my pictures for sell. I don't make a lot...but hey, every little bit helps!   I haven't taken any new inventory up in ages.....and she has been selling what's up there so I'm sure it's rather picked over.  I am very close to having everything that I have printed up matted and ready to go.  I have about another hour or work on that.

Stacks of  pictures ready to go



2.  My mom also sells scrubbies for me.  These are the most awesome little scrubbers that I make.  They clean like a charm.  I keep one in the kitchen and use it daily on dishes.  I keep one in the bathroom to scour out my tub and sink.   I've heard of people using them to exfoliate.  I've heard of guys that use them on the bumpers of their cars because they do not scratch!  I'm planning on using them as 'bows' on Christmas gifts this year (Cindy, what color do you want????).     I was informed that they only have 4 up at the market...so I have been working on these little things like mad.   (the picture for some reason turned the colors rather psychedelic but I'm too lazy this Friday morning to retake the pictures).

I started making these gems a few years back when a coworker was lamenting about losing her supplier.  I researched them and now every few months I make her about 10...she supplies her family also and frequently laughs because she says they come to visit and raid her scrubby supply.  Thus I always know when she has company because the next day she's asking for more scrubbies.

Once these two things are off my plate (thereby clearing out the area around my couch that is littered with scrubby materials, finished scrubbies, matting supplies, pictures and stacks of completed projects.....I will be creating my running schedule.  I have some goals that I need to accomplish and they are NOT going to get done by sitting on my butt!




De-hoarding

I spent some time today going through my file cabinets.  Yes, I had stuff in there from ages ago.  Seriously, I had financial aid forms from 1991 in there.  Will I ever really need those forms ever again?  (don't you dare tell me yes, because I am NOT going out into the garbage bins tonight to pull them out from under the kitchen trash bags, and as of about 7AM, they will probably be in the garbage truck and heading toward the landfill...so TOO late.)  I saw receipts for products that I don't even own anymore.....cell phones from 10 years ago, lawn mowers, dryers, you name it.  I had it. I weeded out the old unneeded stuff and was feeling great.  Until I remembered a file cabinet in the back corner of my closet.  I wormed my way into the closet, around luggage and boxes of shoes.  I opened the drawer and I almost laughed out loud.  This cabinet was the 'memory' file cabinet.  I had hard copies of  report cards, old writings (writings that I probably don't even have digital copies of due to the age of these pieces).  I had old lesson plans from competitions that I was in during my high school years.  I found student teaching observation papers and my journal from those fun months.  I found the history book from the Franikan Islands. (never heard of it??? It was what we called our end of the hall while I was in college...yeah, I think we had a bit too much time on our hands).  I found old reports that I had written in high school and college. I laughed and laughed and laughed.   And I found a folder chronicling that horrible year of teaching in PG County, MD (oh yes, the year that made me walk away from teaching.)   I cried, I won't lie.  I sat in the closet and cried from the lost dreams and lost innocence.

But that's not what this blog is about.  This blog is about weight loss.......and what struck me most in terms of weight loss today was finding a report that I wrote for a Healthy Lifestyles class that was mandatory at the college I attended.     The assignment was "If you were given 1000 dollars, how would you use that money to live a healthy lifestyle...what would you buy."   I made a mockery of the project.  I got an "A"  but looking back it is very clear how I managed to let my weight get up to 300 plus pounds.  The paper is an amusing read (at least to me)...but as a 40 year old (hey, I'm still 40 for another month) I wish the 20 year old MaryFran would have taken the lessons that the class was trying to teach to heart.  Oh well...better late than never!

The assignment...retyped for posterity sake......(the prices in this article were gleaned from stores and catalogs and were actually valid prices at that time..., I even included pictures of the pages that showed pictures of my selections!!!)

My very first purchase with my one thousand dollars was  new roller blades which were $175.  I was safety conscious and bought the helmet for $30 and the accessory package , which included knee and elbow guards for $49. I made a a detour at the clothes store on the way home to purchase a new outfit for my rollerblading excursion...the new outfit cost me $78.50. 

The roller blading started off well enough. I left my house and started skating down the road.  Unfortunately, I didn't see the 'harmless' pebble.  Somehow, those little wheels got jammed (that's what will happen when you get a stone stuck in the bearings).  I flew head over heels, landing on my face in a mud puddle.  The pain was incredible!  I had broken my nose!

I decided, while my nose was recovering that I wasn't overly fond of rollerblading.  So I moved on to a new activity.

Don't you think kayaking sounds fun?   That's what I thought as I walked out of the kayak store with my new purchases in tow.  A $349 kayak with a $35 paddle. (Now, was all know that you can't buy a kayak without buying a paddle.)  The tee shirt and shorts, bought for the express purpose of kayaking cost the low budgeted price of $35. (Kmart blue light special!)   I also bought this nifty waterproof seal pack for $26.  I thought it would be nice to carry things in...things like my first aid kit.

I was way cool as I calmly enjoyed the feel and sounds of the river.  When suddenly my kayak flipped over.  Seeing as how my head was underwater, I couldn't read my beginners guide to kayaking, so of course I didn't know how to flip myself back up above the water.  Tragedy!  I started to pick up speed as I traveled down the river, upside down.     I never even saw the under water tree trunk that I smashed my face into.  You can probably guess my injury.  Yup, I broke my nose....AGAIN!!!

More hospital bills, pain and emotional torment.  I decided that kayaking might sound exotic, but not to me.  (If the doctor that treated my injury had been cute, I may have decided to give kayaking another shot but....)

Looking at my budget.  I discovered that I still had $219.50 remaining to spend on my health.  (Luckily my insurance covered all of my hospital visits, so these bills did not go onto this budget.  Otherwise I would have been way over budget.)  Fearing for my life, I decided to find an 'easy sport'.  Sunbathing was the "sport" that came to mind.  I figured that the sun is  good source of Vitamin D.  I bought a chaise lounge for $78 and a new bathing suit for $48.  I decided that it would be wise to protect my delicate skin from the harmful sun's rays with a $16.50 bottle of suntan lotion (with a high SPF of course).  Now you wouldn't want me to protect my skin and not protect my hair, so I bought a $16 hat.  I could just imagine myself juggling all of my paraphernalia as I made my way out to the beach, so I just had to buy a large, $31 bag....it was a must.

  Theglare from the sun gan get pretty bad, so I bought a pair of sunglasses to help my eyes adjust to the brightness (and to protect them from teh UV rays).  As I scoped out the men on the beach.  And let me tell you.  I was safe.....as I jumped out of my lounge chair and chased those men down the beach.  I didn't fall!   But.....I did trip one of the men, who unfortunately broke his nose.

The kayak and roller blades all sit lonely and dusty in my garage....maybe someday I'll be brave enough to try it all again. 

Itemized List

Roller Blades             148
Accessory package       49
Helmet                         38
anorak                          54
shorts                           24.50
kayak                          349
kayak paddle               35
shorts                          20
 tee-shirt                     15
seal pack                     26
chaise                         78
bathing suit                 48
sunglasses                   29.75
hat                              16
suntan lotion              16.75
large tote bag              31

total                         1000

I would like to thank LLBEAN for their help and for their willingness to provide pictures for the consumers.

 So as you can see, I made a mockery of spending money for health.   My spiral into obesity (although lets be honest....I wasn't exactly thin in college) shouldn't have been a shock!!!



     

Blown to bits

So, I went out running this morning.  Ohh the excuses were flying at me full force. "My foot hurts."   "It's pretty dang cold."  "Seriously, there is frost on the car windshield, I don't have time to wait for it to defrost."  "It's getting late."   Yeah, they were flying at me!

I ignored them though.  I actually forgot to even tape my foot because once I started getting dressed the pain miraculously disappeared ..and the pain never reappeared during my run. (Showing that it was in my head this morning).  I just bundled up in warm clothes.  I ran on my road instead of driving to the battlefield or canal.  I overcame every excuse and got out there to run!

However, my run was cut a bit short.  Why you ask.  Well, I usually have strict 'rules and regulations' for getting myself ready to run.   I was trying to overcome the time factor this morning and kinda rushed through them.  I may or may not have skipped a step or two.   Yeah, I skipped the 'make sure the morning bathroom duties are attended to"  Not a big deal?  Yeah, it's a huge deal.  My body works like clockwork...and well...mornings always necessitate a trip to the bathroom.  I didn't take that trip before I ran.  So halfway down my road I was feeling an urge that is not to pleasant when you are a mile away from the bathroom.  I ran a bit over a mile and walked a bit over a mile today.   The good thing?  That mile I ran was the fastest mile I've run in a training run in a long time (and only one or two times EVER did I beat that pace.)  Was I running fast out of necessity?  ha ha ha...NO, I wasn't in dire straights, I was just aware of a future need.

So I was reminded of excuses in my own life today......and blowing those excuses to bits is an awesome feeling!!!

overwhelmed and running two steps behind

Fruit and veggies are all prepped and I'm ready for the upcoming week!  I have a new roll of KT tape.   I have no reason to not make this upcoming week successful!!!!!

I'm trying to figure out how to make everything that I want to do, fit into my life.  Seriously.  I'm working on a Christmas Cross stitch. (next year if I start a large Christmas cross stitch in the month of October shoot me, I'm working like a demon and know that if I miss too many days that it won't be done in time).  I am working on getting rid of all my scrap yarn.  What better way than granny squares?  So I want to get that project underway.  I need to make some pot scrubbers (the one in my kitchen is absolutely horrible and I know that I should probably restock my supply at the market table that my mother runs).  I want to write.  Photography is another one...my camera feels neglected!  Ao many bioks to read.  quilts ti piece, quilts to piece.  I feel so far behind on reading blogs. I want to seriously start training again with my running.    So much to do, such little time.

I'm working on figuring out how to make the most of my time.  I WILL figure out how to make my life full, but not stressfully full.  I WILL figure out how to complete the things that I want to do without feeling overwhelmed and behind.  I WILL figure this out!  :-)

Goals and well just because

My bucket list has some things on it.   Every once in a while I go back and look at the list to update it and see my progress.  In the last year I've been able to knock a few things off of that list.     Today I went back to that list.  I wanted to update a running bucket list goal.


That goal was to run a 10 minute or less mile....and to do it officially with a sub thirty 5k.  (that is actually two different items).   I was pleasantly surprised to see that a while back (probably in a fit of insanity) I put to run a half marathon on my bucket list.  Really????   Nice.

So I was looking at my list.  If I can carry out my plans I could conceivably complete at least 7 items by the end of year 2014 (that's two thousand fourteen....a year and two months....not this year!)   What 7 items???

1.  Be at my goal weight
2.  Ride a quarter century ride
3.  ride a half century ride
4.  ride a century ride
5.  run a half marathon
6.  run a mile in less than 10
7.  run a sub 30 5k

(ok, so that time limit ones are more iffy.....I could train and train and train and not get my speed that fast,...it may be an impossibility for me) But I'm going to try!

There are a few more that I could conceivably knock off....but we shall see!  :-)

Meanwhile, these sinus issues just have to go AWAY! I was going to ignore the sinus issues and run this morning regardless of how I feel.  However, it was rainy and icky.   Uhhhh probably not the best combination.  I don't want to compound whatever ick I'm dealing with!

 So just because this is the way I roll I want to share some wardrobe malfunctions I've had in the last few months.

The weekend is almost here.  I've got this!

Little bit of this and a little bit of that

Ok, I'm not quite ready to be up and celebrating yet....but I realized this morning that my heel (plantars fasciitis) has not bothered me at all this week.  I even did zumba on Monday night without it taped.  I wore heels to work yesterday.  I have done everything wrong this week and I've been pretty good.   SHhhhhhhh  like I said, I'm not quite ready to celebrate, but dare I hope that things are looking up on that front????   I'm still going to keep my tape handy and tape the foot at any twinge and also if I do a double 'high impact' exercise day. (ie double zumba sessions.....or a run followed by zumba, etc).  Precaution!

My arm is still hurting, but other than while I'm sleeping, it's not to bad.  My main deterrent this week from exercise is this sinus pressure, accompanying headaches and the sniffles.  I'm basically miserable.  Of course last year I ran through this crap. Hmmmmm, does that mean it's an excuse right now?????


My eating has been pretty good this week.  One day at a time.  I can't look at the long week right now.  I've failed so may times when I do that.  So right now, my plan is to win one day at a time!

Water...well, I gave up the diet soda that had crept back into my daily life.  However, I replaced it with.....NOTHING.  OOPS.  Working on that too!

Nut Job

Mark your calendars….May 3 and May 4^th.   Why are we marking our calendars?   Well, I have been advised of a half marathon that takes place that weekend in a nearby town. The Frederick Half Marathon (Frederick Maryland)  Special thanks to Deb  over at DebsDailyLife for alerting me of this event and offering to virtually train for it with me!   I’ve been toying with the half marathon thing. So this is the perfect option for me.   It’s not so close that I’ll be struggling to get ready.  It’s not too far that I will lose momentum and or forget about the whole thing.  (It’s about 6 months away). 

The actual half marathon is on Sunday the 4^th.  On Saturday evening they are having a twilight 5k.  If you do both you get an extra medal…..the nut job medal.   Ok, I have to say that I was REALLY tempted to do it.  How funny is that????  “Nut Job”?????   But then I started to think about the fact that this will be my first half marathon (I still can’t believe that I’m seriously contemplating this…it seems surreal).   As much as I think it would be a HOOT to have a nut job medal, I think I’m only going to do the half marathon.  I think that will be a challenge enough for me at this time.  (Thoughts?????  Should I pass or should I attempt???)

The thing that concerns me is the fact that they have a time limit and sweep the course….a 14 minute pace is where they sweep.  Yikes…I’m running about a 13 minute pace right now.  And that’s only between 3-5 miles (Ok ok ok, I’ve only run 5 miles ONCE…..but I did run 5 miles once….)  Right before my foot issues started I was running a 12 minute pace.    So unless I pick up some speed in the next 6 months, I will be in serious danger of being swept.

So my thoughts are this.  Spend the next three months working on speed.  This will involve running regularly and just trying to knock my speed by the normal things…. hills and intervals.  (we back to those dreaded hills that keep popping up in my exercise....like here when I faced down my nemesis)   That will take me to the beginning of February when I will officially start training for the half marathon. (Building up endurance will be the name of the game).    After the half marathon, I can switch my full attention over to the bike and I WILL complete my century ride next year…fall maybe????

Am I nuts? 

So this morning I was supposed to run…and woke up feeling absolutely miserable.  Dang sinus drainage is killing me.  Miserable I tell you!   So what did I do?   I stayed in bed.  And I also did not pack my gym bag for a post work run or workout.   However, I’m so excited to have an evening at home by myself (Todd works tonight) to get some things done.  I’ve got a website that is in dire need of updating.  I’ve got blogs that I am so far behind in reading.  I’ve got a story that I promised a friend for a podcast….I promised it eons ago, and while I have the story plot in my head, it hasn’t been written.  OOPS.     So tonight is a ‘reset’ trying to get myself back on track and not so far behind on these things.   Maybe that’s a good thing also.   Balance!!!!!

Balance is good, but I have goals and plans….which means I have to RUN!

Feeding frenzy

A few days of vacation and my eating has been out of control.    Desserts have bite my butt almost every day.  Oh who am I kidding....every day.  I've eaten fuller meals than normal too.  My typical mode of operation is to eat one to two of my means as lighter meals...meaning more fruits and veggies.   I've been lucky to get one fruit or vegetable in daily!  Chocolate...comes from cocoa beans....so my chocolate milkshake after the  is a vegetable right??  And that peanut butter in the chocolate chip peanut butter bars I made is nuts...that's healthy isn't it???   And hey!  I DID use low fat cream cheese on my Panera Bread bagel (cinnamon crunch) the other morning!!!  That's gotta count for something!!!!  Diet Pepsi is a good substitute for water...so Pepsi says...so I'm ok right??

So yeah, it's not been pretty.

I've avoided putting my weight on here.  But it's time to be real.  It's time to be open.  It's time to get back to business.

220.5

Mindset

I noticed a weird thing when I was running regularly this spring.  My runs were marked by a mental battle.  There was a voice in my head that was constantly screaming at me to stop running.  I would falter in my running constantly as I listened to the voices.  Finally I took on the mantra of “MaryFran, you are not dying, keep running”   This carried over into biking and zumba and virtually everything.  I had to push myself past that little wall.  The weird thing?   Once I pushed past the wall the voice started to fade a bit.  Oh it screamed on occasion.  It told me when I was going too fast or too long but quitting ceased to be something it told me to do.  It took a bit, but I trained that voice to recognize that quitting was NOT an option so it may as well save it’s breath.

I took my medically imposed break from running and have started to get back to my religiously scheduled runs.  Some of the bad habits returned.  My last two runs from last week (Wednesday and Saturday) were marked by this screaming voice in my head.  My steps faltered a few times before I said “Buck up MaryFran and continue running”.  As I neared the end, the voice constantly bellowed in my ear that “no one will know if you walk the rest of the way”.  It was a pure mental battle.  This morning, there were some physical aches and pains but that voice that was telling me to stop was blissfully silent.  It realized that I was running and that it was not going to win!

Brrrr this morning was COLD!  

Why yes, that was a frosty ice on my windshield!

But the morning was pretty!

And yes, I got my run in!!!!!!  No pauses for walking.   I just need to remember when it’s cold that gloves are a MUST!  My average pace is holding right at an average of  about 13 minutes per mile. (seems to be holding steady with an average between 12:50 and 13:20 each run)   That time will decrease.  I have my goals.  (shhhh don’t tell anyone but my goals are to run a mile in less than 10 minutes….and yeah, I’m still seriously contemplating a half marathon!  Plus I have a century bike ride to get under my belt!!!!!!   Lots of goals!!!)

My food is planned out for today and I’m determined to keep it in check and stay on track!  I can do this.  I KNOW what to do.  I know how to do it.  And conversely, I know that doing it is NOT a hardship, it’s just different.  

A long way indeed

This morning I had a grand epiphany.  When the news article was in the paper I had made a comment that "with everyone watching, I would be super motivated becasue I didn't want everyone to see me fail".   But I think it's had the opposite affect.  Everyone has read about my worst so why bother???  Or another way to put it would be to just 'get it over with....fail at this losing weight thing and accept the embarrassment'.  Isn't that horrible???   But it's the truth.   And that kind of thinking is sabataging my weight loss efforts. 

Today Todd and I spent some time going through some stuff in storage.  I found two bins of clothes that I had carefully stored.  I pulled out the first pair of jeans and Todd, who was looking over my shoulder made a comment. "What elephant wore those?"   HE was thinking that they were an old pair of his jeans and was trying to be amusing.  I looked at the tag inside and had to honestly answer, "ME".  Yes, they were my pants.   I dug further into the box and I was pleasantly surprised.  The clothes had been all carefully stored away as I gained weight. Ironically enough, I found clothes that I can currently wear...how cool is that?   There were way outdated clothes (can we say "hello 80's") and there were clothes that had to be thrown away and or donated.  There were clothes that I wouldn't wear again just because my styles have changed.    Basically this box was a bin of clothes I outgrew or couldn't bear to get rid of.  Below is a picture of me holding a pink shirt that I absolutely loved.  (Todd commented, "you used to wear that all the time.)   I could almost fit two of me in that shirt!!!

  

All in all the bins were a good find.  I got some 'new/old' clothes to wear.  (and yes, some favorites have made their way into my washing machine) but more importantly, I had a reminder of exactly how far I've come.  Yes, I've still got a ways to go, but I've come a LONG LONG WAY!!!!

We are what we eat

Tonight I was at home and I was making a 'healthy' cake. So many people talk about this cake.  It's the talk of weight watchers meetings.   An Angel food box cake mix and a can of cherry pie filling.  Mix those two ingredients together and then bake according to the instructions on the box.  As simple as that and works like a charm.  Or the famed diet soda cake.  A cake mix and a can of diet soda mixed together.....voila.   Healthy cake.   Ok, I felt bad even typing that.....a healthier version calorie wise at least.......yes, that's better!

100 calorie packs?  Snackwells?  Light versions of this?   High Fiber?  Low sodium?   Low fat?   1/2 the calories?   Healthy foods....right?????????

I am going to preface the rest of this post by saying that I DO buy some of the aforementioned products.   100 calorie packs are great for portion control for those weeks where I just can't do it on my own.  I find that some low fat or light products are just as good as the regular and therefore yes, I will use them.  I'm not immune to the 'healthy food' craze.....and I'm sure that I will still continue to buy them and use them and create them in the future.

Are we really being healthy with all these alternative products?    What are these products really teaching us?   TO have our cake and eat it too?  Are they helping us to avoid the truth about our society and the way we eat?  I think so.   You see, those are not healthy foods.  They are foods that are altered to allow us to eat them with less guilt.  They are foods that are adjusted so that we can still eat them and still lose weight.

However, healthy foods are the fruits....grapes, bananas, kiwi, apples, etc.   Vegetables...peas, green beans, beets, etc.   They are the healthy whole grains and dairy.  They are the natural foods that lack the mad processing.   We are what we eat...I want to be healthy...so I will eat TRULY healthy foods as my main source of food.

Just do it!

I've been doing fairly well with my exercise.  Last week one day (Wednesday) I went running and had an abysmal run.  I'll admit I was freaking out a bit in my mind, wondering if my lackadaisical   approach to running had set me back to the beginning of my training.  Yes, I was worried because that wouldn't   be good....not the end of the world but not good.  On Saturday I went out running. Or rather I tried to go out running.   It started to downright pour rain when I was heading out.  The MaryFran of late would have thrown in the towel and skipped the run.  Not on Saturday!  I hit the gym!   I ran for 65 minutes on the treadmill.  Ok ok ok, I would run 10 and then walk 2.5 minutes...then run another ten minutes.  I also did some ab work (ouch...I can still feel it!)

So Monday rolled around.  It was a bank holiday so I was off work and I had plans to go to Lancaster. Pa with my parents and my brother and his family.  I actually woke up super early to get what I had to so done....and allow myself time to go out running.  Yes, I ran!   And I did fantastic.  I ran at a comfortable pace and my pace was one of my fastest runs since this foot problem started.  Amazing how just a little consistency results in improvement.

So yeah, let's talk about Lancaster county, Pa....land of smorgasbords (buffets) and delicious desserts.  Ok, let's not!   No seriously.  I didn't do too badly. I did have a piece of shoe fly pie (my favorite and utterly delicious pie....I don't make it, I could but I don't...it is a treat I give myself when we go to Lancaster....which is usually at the most 4 times a year...give or take). I did eat off one smorgasbord.   I ate a plate of food (heavy on veggies as I don't much like meat...although shockingly i did eat a bit of ham...first time in years) a salad...and that piece of shoe fly pie.  For dinner we stopped on the way home at a Chili's.   I had a buffalo chicken salad (the chicken was breaded and fried....I won't pretend that the chicken was prepared in a health obvious manner) and at dinner I munched on some tortilla chips.   So not exactly healthy.  But the true victory is that I never ate yesterday to the point of feeling sick. I was full but never so stuffed I was sick!

Backing up to my Monday morning run...some of my deepest thoughts hit me while I am running.  I was thinking about my friend Paula (hi Paula!!). Who hooked up with me for my abysmal run and also the gym run.  I told her about those still very tentative thoughts that I have on running a half marathon (we won't even mention the full...although that thought is there too...just a lot quieter at this time).  Paula immediately looked at me and said 'I'm in!'  She also found a picture of the teeshirt that I want to get when I complete it and actually earn it!

During this talk we had mentioned one friend that is always saying she is joining us, but to the best of our knowledge has yet to run 5 feet.  There are always excuses.  So on Monday morning this conversation was floating in my head as a remembrance and one phrase kept coming to my mind.  'Just do it'.  Stop talking about it.   Stop planning to do it.  Stop making promises that you are not going to keep.  Just do it!!   I understood the words behind the phrase for all these years, but I didn't really grasp the depth of that phrase and what it means to, well...life.  Just do it!  I was a naysayer for years who always talked about doing it.  I was a planner for years 'tomorrow I'm going to start running' or 'as soon as I get myself some running shoes...or a workout outfit or whatever'. I'll be out there.  Excuses!!!   Just do it!  Stop talking about how much you want to do it...stop talking about your plans describing how you are going to or how much you want it. Just do it!!!!    Exercise, fitness and weight loss is divided into two groups of people.  People that live that phrase....or people that live in fear of that phrase.    I want to and have once again started to live that phrase.  Just do it!!!

Inspiration comes on all forms

Last night Todd and I watched a movie.  It was on TV and Todd was into it and very shortly I was enthralled.   Can I say inspirational?     What movie did I watch?   Men of Honor, based upon a true life story.   The story is about Carl Brashear, a young black man who joined the Navy shortly after they desegregated it.  He had his dreams and he pursued them under incredible odds and incredibly resistance.  He was extremely successful in reaching and actually exceeding his goals. (Watch the movie…or at the very least go and read about Carl Brashear online.)

This man knew what he had to do to reach his goals.  He stood up against terrible prejudice (he was black in a time when there was little or no equality for black people).  He stood up against terrible odds (lacking the formal education that would make the book learning at dive school easier).  He overcame incredible injuries and still succeeded.   His navy career was marked with many ‘firsts’. 

Our goals and desires are attainable.  Carl Brashear proves it.  It may not be easy.  It may not be a quick trip to reach those goals.  However, persistence and a deep rooted desire will make any dream attainable!

This morning, with the thoughts of this movie in my mind I woke up.  I was going for a run.  Seriously, what was a little rain going to hurt me?  Rain didn’t hurt me….but it hurt me to see it all over the floor inside my front door.  An hour later and gutters cleaned (thereby stopping the overflow of water down the front wall…and through the frame and into my house…or however it’s happening) and I discovered that a cat had ‘missed’ the liter box.  Another hour later and the laundry room had been emptied, liter boxes scrubbed, floor and wall disinfected, liter boxes refilled with fresh liter and returned to place.   It was 9:26 when I got into the shower……I have to be at work by 10……so you know my run didn’t happen this morning.   I have this evening though…I can and WILL exercise this evening!

I'm All In

All or nothing.  I do tend to sink into that category.   I tend to be an all or nothing type of girl.  I find something I like or want to do and I immerse myself in it.   It is in every aspect of my life.  I find an author I like and I read everything by that author.  I find a craft project I like and I focus all of my attention on that craft.  For all of these things eventually something else comes along that diverts the focus and I move on to the next thing.  In this way I've have in a way become a jack of all trades, master of none.   That's ok, I can accept this fact about myself.

Historically,  when I'm eating right I'm looking at my food journal constantly, tweaking and arranging; plotting and planning. Lots and lots of time.  When I'm exercising right it's my sole focus.  Nothing gets in the way.    I research exercise.  I research the 'sport of the month' or injuries as the case may be recently.    I spend all my time focusing on those things that other things slip by the wayside.

The problem is that for me to be healthy and productive, I can't have an all or nothing attitude.   There needs to be balance.  I need to be focused on my goals but not let life slip by.  Spending two or three hours of exercise each day is awesome and I don't begrudge those days that I've done that. (Long bike rides followed by an exercise class or a walk with a friend quickly eats up 3 hours of a day).  However, it's bad when I give up doing something that makes me happy and brings me joy.  I went months and barely touched my camera gear.  I truly enjoy playing around within the photographic realm of things.  It makes me happy...yet I gave it up in this hellfire bent to exercise.  Well....technically I didn't give it up, I just didn't have time for it.

I want to be healthy mind, body and spirit. So I have to find a way to to lose that all or nothing attitude.  I need to find a way to be super focused on my goals but also relaxed enough to nurture my  mind.

I've come a long way....now it's just fine tuning what I know and getting the weight loss rolling again!

Meanwhile.  I woke up to a rainy morning with a pounding headache.  I think I'm going to curl up on this couch and rest until it's time to go to work.   Hopefully I'll feel better and maybe hop on the exercise bike this evening. 

Here are a few pictures I snapped the other day and boy did it feel good to have my camera in my hands again (even though that tendon in my arm screamed in pain anytime I held the camera or depressed the shutter!)

Eating myself Sick

I kick myself every time it happens. Seriously?   What kind of idiot continues to eat when they are full, stuffed even! What kind of dummy feels bloated and stuffed to the gills yet still decides to eat lunch simply because it’s lunch time? This dummy apparently. 

That kind of behavior used to be the norm.  I would eat until I was literally sick to my stomach.  Before that bloated icky feeling would even go away, I would be right there shoveling more food down my gullet.  My life was a constant round of stomach aches.  It wasn’t until I had started to lose weight and really manage my food intake that I realized that the stomach aches were caused by my gluttony.  I was eating myself sick. 

You would think that when I made this discovery that the problem would go away.  However I must be incredibly dense.  This behavior crops up over and over and over again.  Thankfully less and less often, but it’s still embedded in my memory bank of behaviors to act upon.

Yes, I’m writing this because I have recently lived a few days of this behavior. Monday was the worst.  I woke up.  I got dressed to go out for a run.  I had to drop something off for Todd so I headed out.  I don’t like to run on a full stomach so I planned to eat after my run.  However I had packed my lunch for work.  Things happened (lets not go there….) and I never got the run in.  I went home and I was so stressed out about those ‘things that happened’ that I had some homemade bread and then decided to eat some leftover Mexican chicken soup that I had in the fridge.  It was soooooo tasty and I knew that there was one bowl left so I ADDED it to my lunch box. Lunch rolled around and I was not even remotely hungry but I carted my butt up the stairs to the lunch room and heated up that soup.  Did I stop at the soup (and the tortilla chips that went with it…and yes I had tortilla chips with the soup at breakfast too).  Heck no!  I ate some cottage cheese and some fruit…most of the original items in my lunchbox.   What was my reasoning for the ‘extra items’ that were above and beyond the ultra filling soup and chips?   It’s very simple really.  I knew that I wasn’t going to be packing a lunch for work until Friday due to a vacation day , a half day and a late start day.  That food would/could have gone bad!  I didn’t want to waste it! 

I was miserable and then asked myself all day what in the world I was doing to myself.   Why would I mindlessly shovel food into my body, a body that was already rebelling against me.  It makes no sense.  Absolutely insane, if you ask me!  Yet I continually fall into that trap and habit.

I’m not going to say that I’ll never do it again.  I’m an addict. I have an addiction to food and I KNOW that I will slip up again in the future.  I’m just writing this to affirm that I KNOW that it is happening. I’m saying that I don’t like it and I am going to TRY to guard against it.

Meanwhile, I think I’m falling apart physically.  Yes, I do.  Lets start at the bottom:

The left foot…the tarsal nerve is still periodically kicking….along with the plantars fasciitis.

The right foot….the tarsal nerve is bothering me.  I’m freaked out because from what I read the tarsal nerve can precipitate the plantar’s fasciitis (the nerve helps support the arch so when the nerve is messed up the arch loses it’s support and thereby ‘falls’ and that can irritate the plantar)

My back…my lower back has given me grief for a few years.  Yes, in 2011 I was really bad and actually had to take some time off work, simply because I couldn’t move…literally.  It was horrible!   So that was been sensitive a few days recently. I’ve rested it and stretched it and it seems to be better now.

My right arm……what the heck?  I started to feel pain the day I did my 3 bushels of apples (applesauce and apple butter).  I figured it was just a tensed muscle from the work.  Two days later I did a full day photo shoot (the wedding).  At the end of the evening I was getting my gear packed to go home and there was a sharp pain in my arm and from then on my arm HURTS.  It hurts to hold a pen and write. It hurts to type.  It hurts to move my fingers.  It hurts to touch my arm.  It hurts.  GRRR.  It has been suggested that I have tendonitis….or something akin to tennis elbow.  Really????

Otherwise, I’m feeling pretty good. 

Control Freak

It's no secret that I've struggled in the last few weeks, ok months.  My weight has been at a standstill since early July.  I've not totally gone off deep end.  However, I've slipped into some bad habits.

One of the bad habits I've picked up is being lackadaisical about my fresh fruit and vegetables.  I buy them and I 'usually' eat them.  However, each week I find myself throwing more away.  When I'm on track I eat each and every bite of my fresh foods, often running out before I get to the grocery store for a restock.   Today I actually took my time and prepped some of my fresh foods that were sitting in the refridgerator.  It felt good.  I felt like I was taking control of my life, my addictions.   Just that one simple step made me feel as if I was on the right track.  It felt right.  It felt good.

One step and lots more to come.  However, now that I remember how good it feels to be in control I want to feel it again!!!!