Well then.......

Friday morning weigh in was not too spectacular.  I know what I did.  Or rather what I did not do.    Ok, let me get it over with....I gained 0.3.  It could have been worse...but there is still no excuse for it. I ate too much.  I tracked it all...but I just ate too much!

Exercise has been spotty too Why?  I got a new laptop on Wednesday.  I have been trying to move stuff and get everything set up on the new laptop.......and phase out the old one.  I was stressing out because I was halfway onto the computer and half way still on the old computer.  Files were being put in both places and I'm just hoping that I have everything and don't lose anything important.  So I've spent all my spare time trying to get that squared away.  I see the light at the end of the tunnel.  :-)


So no excuses.  I made the choices that led to a 0.3 gain.....I'm just going to aim to do better this week!  So far, I'm totally on track!!!!!

Fix it

Well another week has passed in this year.....so how did I do on week two....

Not so good!

     

Tracking...check
       I tracked my food everyday.  NO matter if it was good or bad.   

Stay within food budget....FAIL
       Surprisingly, on my 'free day' I remained within my calorie budget.  I fell apart on other days.  Go
       figure.
Exercise.......check
       I squeaked this one out....but managed to make it happen.
Water.....fail
      I don't quite know what happened on this one, other than I just didn't tip the glass up enough times.


This is a good reminder to me.   Fix the problems!  

I think I may like this weekly update...because it has made me really look back at my week and honestly face what I did and where I slipped up.    Slipping up is not a failure (even though I put the word fail beside my weekly goals I did not reach).  The failure is not recognizing it and allowing it to continue.  Failure is ignoring the issues letting one bad week turn into 2 bad weeks.   You see, we all know what happens with two bad weeks........it turns into 2 bad months!   Failure is NOT making a mistake.....failure is not seeing it and correcting it.

So some self tough love for myself, "MaryFran.....Fix it!"

Meanwhile, I'm working on a few things in my life that I've always wanted to work on.  Things that have been in the back of my mind as something I would 'love' to do and say I have done.  It's better to attempt something and say "it didn't happen' versus be old and say "I wish I would have tried that."    So stay tuned for updates on those projects!   This is my year to find me again.   How will "I" look at the end of the year physically and mentally is the question!!!!   

Carbolicious

Bread oh yummy bread!  Why do you have such a delicious hold upon me.   Your crusty edges and soft insides make my heart melt with a taste bud orgasm!  Add a little butter on your warm fluffiness and it’s absolute rapture!.  Pasta…ohhh yummy pasta!!!!   Corkscrews, spaghetti, ziti and penne.  So delicious!

Yes, I am a carb-o-holic!  I love bread, I love pasta.  I love dough.  I love it!  Man CAN live on bread alone.  I know this in my heart to be true. Ha ha ha However, I also know that man (or woman in this case) needs to have the nutrients of other foods, but it is an enticing thought! 

So after those two paragraphs I think it’s fairly obvious that I like bread and would be happy with having a serving of bread or pasta with each meal….or maybe more than one serving, if I want to be honest…because we all know that bread is a wonderful accompaniment to a pasta dish.  I can work a my breads (carbohydrates) into my eating budget.  It’s completely doable to still get my nutrients and still eat my much loved bread and pasta. I’ve done it.  I’ve been healthy while I’ve done it.  However, it’s just not possible for me to lose weight while I’m eating so many carbohydrates, isn’t that sad?  Lets have a moment of silence to mourn this fact………..  

So this week the breads and pastas have crept into my diet. I’ve managed to hold onto my weight…or not....but I’m definitely not dropping.  I know what that means.  And it makes me sad.   Limiting my carbs

That said……being fat makes me sadder.   Being obese makes me downright depressed.  I’ll give up a serving or two of bread or pasta for the time being.  I know that when I’m maintaining I can have more carbs (as long as I am, still getting my base nutrients) and be ok.  But for right now……well I will enjoy the bread and the pasta oh so much more when I do indulge!  (And at least I will still have that one carbolicious meal!) 

On a different note….a few months back I opened myself up to have an article written about me in the local paper.  It took a leap…because I let it all hang out.  I was brutally honest with where I was…where I’ve been….my weight.  EVERYTHING.  I heard some positive responses but then it died down.   Mondy night Zumba started for the year the classes were packed.  I went to the second class and some gals that had helped and were there greeting people came up to me and said, “Thank you for being open in that article.  There were at least 8 new people that tried zumba that  that when we asked them about how they came to try it, they quoted you and your article. “   I guess I should feel honored that sharing my struggles had that impact. 

Down with the Pity Party

It's been a great weekend for friendships.  I got to spend some time with two different friends and I got to spend some time talking on the phone to another friend.  Ahhh...that's the life.

I just got back from a chilly Sunday morning walk with my one friend.  As always, our mouths go a mile a minute as we talk about everything from cooking, to kids, to money matters, to weight loss.  Nothing is taboo and we cover it all.  This morning we spent some time reflecting on weight loss.  She and I have both lost weight.  She and I have both gained weight.  She and I have both struggled.  While we walked along a question was posed "What was different the times that we have actually lost weight?"  and of course that question led to "what happened to make us stop losing and to in fact gain?"  I was easily able to say that I believed in myself. I felt I was worth it. And those two things combined to be the magic to help me lose weight.    

 I was able to trace my weight loss journey.  I decided to lose weight.  I had goals and magical dreams about what life would be like when I lost the weight.  The skies would open, angels would sing, squirrels and chipmunks would dance.  In other words, my life was going to be fantastic.  I believed it and I felt worth of that fantastic life.  I lost the weight and I realized that it wasn't that way.  The chipmunks didn't sing and no angels sang.  My life was exactly the same except that I had a bit more energy and my clothes were a smaller size.  The life problems were still there.....weight loss didn't fix everything. So I gained.  I was valiantly trying to lose weight still..but I felt worthless....life was kicking me.  It was a losing battle...I gained.  I tried weight watchers again but I couldn't get the weight off.  I was listening to life and allowing it to derail me. I was miserable and felt worthless.   I had some life lessons in 2011 and 2012.  I won't go into depth with them, as many of them are intensely personal....but I realized that I'm worth a whole bunch.  I was worth it!  So in 2013 I made a massive push to lose the weight.  I was doing great!  Everything was fine and dandy...and then something happened to shake my sense of self worth.  Damn self worth!   What happened?  I stopped losing and I slowly started gaining.   GRRRRR   

So I can see where the issues begin and end.  I know the problem.  Conversely my friend walked through her weight loss journey and she could trace back to her root problems. It's right there in black and white.

Oh we can say, marital problems, financial problems, death in the family, family obligations, depression, health problems, and whatever other problems that crop up in life.  Those problems are there.  That is not what has caused us to be derailed.  What has caused the derailment is this......it's the dang pity party that we throw!   Yes, some of the marital problems I've faced are...well.....crap to the crappiest degree.  I've faced them and I'm working through what I can.  They have given my self worth a shake, but that's not what derailed me.  I was derailed because I started a pity party!   Finances suck. It really blows to be tight financially.  But you know what.  A roof over ones head and food on ones table is a really good thing.  A pity party about it, is not!  

Enough!   No more pity parties!   Life will beat us down sometimes.  Sometimes there will be things that shake us to the core.  There will be times where we question our worthiness.  That's ok.  Deal with it and continue to live.  

So I was set to run the Chilly Willy 5k yesterday morning. I picked up my race packet the day before.

I was pleased because it was supposed to be warmer than the bone chilling temps.  What a blessing.  However, the 90% chance of rain was not so full of blessing.  Paula and I went to pick up our race packets and when we saw how loosely organized this race was (seriously, I chose my bib number and I don't even believe that they wrote down what bib number I was).   We noticed that the roads were not marked...and they gave us a google map with small arrows depicting the route.   Well, Paula and I decided to sit this run out.  We just didn't find it worth it to go out in cold (it was warmer than the zero degrees...but the 30-40's are still cold...and utterly miserable in the rain!)!  So I got a teeshirt to sleep in.  ha ha ha

The bad thing?   I had planned that as my exercise and of course that time got sucked up by other activities and I didn't get my exercise in.  I had purposefully taken off on Friday.  So I've already used my 2 free pass days on exercise.  I'll push myself.....because in terms of goals...I've already toasted my water consumption on two days also!    Moving forward.......

The food Nazi chronicles!

I managed to officially lose 1.8 pounds this week!  Hip hip hurray!   That is down 85.2 pounds from my bitter highest!   Hot dog!  I will take it!  I'm going down baby!

So this morning I decided to institute something that I used to do.  I'm giving myself a free day.  A day where I'm not concerned about my food intake...or rather where I accept that I will go over my budget and not really worry about it.  Yes, I will still track my food.  But it gives me a day or rather a meal where I can have that good old fashioned comfort food (homemade macaroni and cheese tonight) and not have to count every stinkin' piece of pasta that goes into my mouth like some Nazi General.    I know that I'm going to get some flak from people for announcing this to the world.  I don't care.  This is me...this is how I roll.  And honestly?  When I did this before I would many times find that I ate healthier  or at least and the same average amount of calories as my 'normal' days.  Go figure!  

This journey is not one size fits all. This size worked for me before, and I lost quite a bit of weight doing it that way.  So I'm going to go with it again!   It may not be for everyone.  But that's the beauty of this journey.....what may not work for some will work for others!  It's about finding our own magical equation!

Week 1

Well then, one week is complete in this new year.  Dare I look at the week and see how I've done????  Why yes, lets do so!

So the goals...

*Track my food every day…regardless of what I’m eating.----Check

* Stay within my food budget 6 out of every 7 days. ---check (granted I did eat some of my exercise calories)

* Exercise 5 times a week….at least 30 minutes each time.  Drat....I thought I had this one..I didn't remember the 30 minute restriction.  I exercised 5 days....but one day was only for 20 minutes.  GRRRR

  Water Water Water.  I’m not aiming for perfect.  5 days a week 64 ounces of at least CLOSE  Check

So 3 out of 4 is not bad!  And I only missed that fourth one by 10 stinkin' minutes!

Still cold outside...which is why we got home from town and went right to bed....we are watching tv in bed....why get all comfy warm in the living room and then in an hour move to the bed and have to warm up a whole new set of blankets!  :)

So week one is in the books.  I would like to get back to eating really clean and not relying on those exercise calories. But I'm still going to call this week a success!!!!!!

Baby it's cold outside!

Well it's cold!!!  Frigidly cold.  The heat pump is running near constantly to keep our house warm.....and the floors still seem cold...my feet are FROZEN!  OH well....

So the cold weather deterred me from going out for my morning run.  Oh well.  However, I did go out for a few minutes at 7AM.  I had some experimenting to do.

First we took a pan of boiling water outside and threw it into the air........  Check out the video if you haven't seen this done. It's pretty cool!

Then I took my bubbles outside and blew some bubbles.  Also pretty cool.  You can see that the one bubble was frozen and shattered.....

Then I came inside and did something that I love to do on cold winter days....I baked.  Banana muffins this time

I was good though, I knew I was baking them so I didn't eat breakfast until they came out of then oven....I made these yummy concoctions my breakfast (no I didn't eat all of them...ONE was my breakfast!).  I managed and planned!  

Onward I go!  I will succeed!

Routine

I weigh every day (or try to...some days......well, I'm not perfect!).   I know that some people are dead set against weighing daily. This post is not intended to spark a debate, I'm just saying that this is what works for me.  It is what worked for me when I previously lost 130 plus pounds.  It's what I stopped doing right before I subsequently regained some of the weight.  For me it's a tool.  I don't worship the scale.  I get on the scale at a certain point each morning. (after the bathroom visit but before breakfast...and preferably naked or near 'nekid').  I weigh myself and I move on.  For me, it is a mini boost to let me know that what I'm doing is working.  And sometimes, it's a mini lesson to say 'not good MF', tighten those reins.    Are there days that I look at the scales and say "Dangit??? "  Days where I just want to throw in the towel?  YES, but knowing that I am going to have to step on the scale the next day helps keep me in line.  Honestly, the days that get me down the most are the days where my weight remains the exact same for a few days in a row.

So why am I talking about weighing daily?   For a couple of reasons.   I started watching and weighing myself daily at the beginning of this past week...and the numbers on those darn scales sat at roughly the same number. I HATE THAT!  Yet I kept plugging on, doing what I needed to do.   Yesterday I struggled. I wanted to eat.  I was hungry....dinner was late and it would have been so easy to go to the kitchen and get an extra bite of food. However, I didn't have the calories for it...so I refrained.  I so didn't want to exercise.  However, I made myself.  Ohhh, don't think it's all that great....I didn't go long....I didn't go hard.  But 20 minutes is better than nothing!    So this morning I stepped on the scale...and the numbers had dropped.  VICTORY!  Just what I needed to see after yesterday.  A drop on the scales....a reward for my efforts yesterday.  Confirmation that the choices that I made were the right ones!     THAT is why I weigh everyday. (The thing is this......if I'm making the right choices, the weight WILL drop...maybe not at the rate that I want it to drop, but drop it will!)

So my plans are made for my eating today.  I've got plans for a trip to the gym.  I'm working on sucking down the liquid to get my water intake.  I'm hot on the trail!  I'm keeping up with the routine...the consistency.....it will pay off (and the scales this morning validated that!)

Have a go look...you won't be sorry!

I really don't have much to say other than BRRR it's cold outside.  It reminds me of my Junior (or maybe it was Senior....no Junior) year or college.  It got bitterly cold that year something like way below zero. (Yes, I'm very technical with my 'way below zero' comment).   I SHOULD be running tomorrow morning.  However....well....it's dang cold out there.  And the road I live on is still trecherous.  So bitter cold and icy road make a combination that I'm not going to attempt.  Call me wimpy.....but it just isn't gonna happen!   I guess I'll be on the exercise bike. The problem with my exercise bike?  The timer doesn't work...nor does the display that tells me how far I've pedaled....but hey, at least I can change the resistance!  How I'm keeping track for my mileage goals?  I know round about what I do currently when I push myself and what I do if I'm taking it easy...so yeah, I'm guesstimating.

My food is pretty well on target.  It's been difficult some days.  (yeah, I know, it's only been three days)  I literally had the chocolate covered pretzels open and my hand was hovering over the treat before I came to my senses.  Yes, I came to my sense and closed the candy without even having a sniff of the chocolate!  And it was Dark chocolate which I LOVE!  With SPrinkles!   VICTORY!

I was talking to my manager at work today and I mentioned my victory and she looked at me and said "I was kinda disappointed that you didn't do what you did last year"   I remarked that I was trying to go with straight up willpower to resist.   She looked at me and said "what you did last year was really helpful."  So here is last years project.

In case you can't tell what I did?  I took small post it notes and broke down exactly how many calories were in each individual piece.  I made it more in my face exactly how many calories I would be consuming if I ate the candy.    When my other co-worker heard the conversation she said "YES, please do!  My husband and I just bought a boat and I'll be out on the river all summer in a bikini!"    So my first task at work tomorrow will be to label the huge piles of goodies!

So today was my first official weigh in for the year 2014.  231.6   GRRRR   That is so not a number I wanted to see again.  But it's my number.  I accept it.  I accept it for the work that it took me to get there from my highest weight of 315.  But equally importantly, I accept it for the failure that brought me back up to 231.6.   I accept it and I am committed to never seeing that number again!  NEVER!


LOVED my brothers post on Facebook.......and why yes, I did share his name and not white it out...there is a reason....  but seriously...read the post....  THIS is how I want to be when I get this weight off!!!!  I would love to be able to eat with impunity.....and I guess if I have to log 5200 miles on a bike to do it.....well.....

So why did I openly share my brothers name????   Because my brother builds the most FABULOUS furniture!!  I'm lucky enough that I have picked up some of his pieces simply because I'm his sister but he does sell various items that he's designed.   He sells under his own name  Alan Clingan Furniture (hey we like our last name...even though it's now my maiden name...I still kept it as part of my name!) and has a website with a cool portfolio....and also has pictures of  different stuff on facebook.  Check him out.  He's  pretty cool guy also!  (and no, he hasn't paid me to say nice things about hims since we were kids ha ha ha)  Seriously...go look! 

Ready, Set, Go!

The new year is here!   I started out the year strong.  I started out with running a 5k this morning.  It was the last 5k that I had to run to complete the trilogy of holiday 5k's that I had committed to completing.  These were set up as virtual events.  (although my Thanksgiving 5k was an actual organized Turkey Trot).  

Seriously, what was up with my head band.......

While I was running this morning I was actually thinking about riding my bike.  Last year I rode my bike.  I enjoyed it...but stayed to pretty much the same route.  I pushed through the first (dare I say awful) few rides on my new bike.  I got to the point where I was out riding.  I rode and I'm not going to say that it was all easy....but I will say that I was out there.  Yet I hesitated to leave my normal route.  I hesitated to hit the open road.  I struggled.  Today I figured out exactly what was the problem?   I was afraid.  I was afraid that I would come upon a hill that I couldn't climb.  I was afraid that I would get a flat tire.  I was afraid that I would get too far from home and get so tired I couldn't make it home.  Looking at it realistically (and of course it helped that I was far removed from either of my bicycles at the time) I am once again blown away at how irrational fear really is.  So what if I can't climb a hill....I walk.  No, I don't want to walk and I've pushed myself up hills, slow as molasses sometimes but I pushed myself up every hill I came across.   If I get a flat tire....well that is rough.  I know HOW to change a tire, but I have issues with changing them.  (my brother did give me a lesson...but I still struggled to get that darn tire back on).  But seriously, even if I get a flat....is it the end of the world if I have to call for a ride???  And even more unrealistic.....if I run out of steam....there are two options...calling fora ride but in all reality I'm pretty darn sure that I would find a store of energy deep within myself.   Once again it turns out my fears are totally irrational.    So what do I do with this knowledge??   The first chance I get (once I get my legs back under me on my bike) when the weather gets warm....I head down a road that I don't know and I RIDE!

Goodbye.....Hello

Happy New Years!!!!!!! Yeah, I'm a little early, but them's the breaks!   Suffice it to say that I'm happy to say adios to 2013 and I'm tickled to welcome 2014 into existence.   I'm ready to roll into this new year and to lose this weight through my plan of consistency!   Lets get this show on the road! (No, I'm NOT waiting until the first to start...I'm already on top of it!!!)

So I saw this visual and LOVED it!   What a perfect way to usher in the new year....new rules for life!!!

And then I saw this video.  It is TOTALLY a must see!!!  So GO WATCH IT!

Year in Review

The year 2013 has been crazy.  I had some ups and some downs.  When it's all said and done, even though the last few months have been horrendous, I managed to end the year with a loss.  So in that way it was successful.  So here is that year in review.....picture style!

I labelled all the snacks at work with the calorie count.  Sometimes knowledge is all it takes to succeed.  I was THAT determined to lose weight!

Water Water Water 

 I tightened up my eating.  I monitored every bite I ate and kept myself totally under control!!!!  But I knew that food was only part of the equation.  I stepped up my exercise.

I decided to become a runner.  It was cold, but I was consistent!  (notice the tear generated from the biting cold!)

More winter running.

No worries, I also ran in the terrible heat of summer too!

I ran the Keller Williams 5k in March

I ran and PR'd at the Paws on the Pavement 5k in May.

I ran into celebrities!

I ended up with a common runners injury.

I certainly can't forget running the Donut Alley Rally in August!

And I ran the local Turkey Trot in November

On Christmas day I participated in a virtual 5k

It may seem as if all I did was run...but that was certainly not the case!

Step aerobics!  I was doing anything to move!

And of course I rode my bike!  Here I am with my Trek!

I splurged and purchased a road bike!  It was my nemesis during the summer...but I rode!

Todd and I took some walks

And of course I continued with zumba a few times a week!

However, my whole world was not exercising and watching what I ate!

I enjoyed time with my niece and nephews!

And my parents

Family really is so important!

Todd and I enjoyed some fun events including this Chicago Concert!

We built a patio

And added a hot tub.  This is going to feel SO good after a hard workout!

What is not shown in these pictures is the fact that in July my world was shaken to it's core.  I allowed that personal strife to derail me from my weight loss efforts.  I slowly regained some of the weight that I lost during the first half of the year.  Thankfully, I'm still in the loss column for the year.

I read somewhere online that the end of the year is the perfect time to start the shredder and shred the bad from the year in order to move on.  I like the visual reminder that the past is just that...the past.  Shred it and start anew.  So that's what I'm doing.  I'm shredding the bad from last year and I'm ready to rock 2014

Just call me the Cat Calmer

Today the weather was gorgeous!  I had a run planned.  I knew where I was running, when I was running and how (slow as a turtle through peanut butter).   I was going regardless of the weather so having temps in the 50's was a delightful plus to my day. (I think Christmas morning when I ran it was 20 degrees....lol).    However, my body had other ideas.

We got up and ran some errands in the morning.  Early morning...we went to breakfast and then picked up groceries.   I was doing great.   We got home and Todd had a repair job that he wanted to do on the house.  It required that the cats be locked up for a bit.   Now the cats typically go nuts when we lock them up.  So nuts that on three different occasions I've had them locked up and one or the other has scratched so hard and viciously to get freed that they have started to pull up the tile/linoleum from the edge of the door.  Seriously.   So I took over the very difficult job of going into lock down with the cats....trying to keep the calm.  I laid down on the bed with my kindle and pretty soon they were all curled up beside me.   I had a few tense minutes with the two youngest ones. (Winni and Mertz) At two different times they each got a bit panicky about being locked up...but my tender loving care helped them calm right back down).

Pardon the unmade bed...I was working hard keeping my kitty cats calm and couldn't be bothered with trivial things like bed making!  And I don't know what was happening with my sweatshirt...I was laying on my back, but somehow it got all twisted around on my body.  Oh well.

I honestly don't know if my morning activities (cat calming) set me up for a lazy day.  But I just couldn't function the rest of the day.  I have felt off kilter and just not right.  I ate lunch and then promptly fell asleep on the couch in the living room (a few of the cats followed me).

So my run went out the window.  I'm not going to beat myself up about it.  Why?   My general feeling of lethargy could very well have simply been a side affect of my lazy (but oh so important cat calming duties)....but I'm trying to learn to listen to my body in all ways.  That doesn't just include eating and exercise...it means that when my body is demanding rest I listen to it.  I listened to it today......and I'm feeling much better this evening.

But seriously.....what a waste of a GORGEOUS GORGEOUS day!!!   GRRRRR

Much awaited for!

It’s about that time again.   What time am I referring to?   New Years resolution time. WEEEE  how fun.

I personally don’t believe in resolutions.  I believe that what I do at the end/beginning of each year  is a recommitment or a renewal of my priorities.  That’s not to say I don’t set goals and challenges for myself.  I do.   

This year I’m going for consistency.  Yes, I want to lose weight….and so bad want to declare and avow that my 2014 goal is to lose weight and be at my goal weight.  I want that quite badly.   Is this the year that I ride my century ride….maybe, who knows!   I would love to PR in a 5k….or make my sub 30 goal.  So many goals and things to strive to achieve.  I would love to say that this year is the one that I’m going to run a half marathon (I’ve kinda shelved that….I’m not sure that my body can handle that at this time…but it is still on the to do list…..AKA my bucket list).  I have those things in mind and 2014 may be the year for them.  However those items are not making the list for this year.  As I said…this year I’m going for consistency!  All of those items that I COULD include in my goals are things that I can’t reach without consistency within my life.  So this is the year of consistency!

So what are my goals for the year???  

*Track my food every day…regardless of what I’m eating.

* Stay within my food budget 6 out of every 7 days. 

* Exercise 5 times a week….at least 30 minutes each time.  

*  Water Water Water.  I’m not aiming for perfect.  5 days a week 64 ounces of at least CLOSE 

That’s it.  Seriously.  That’s all I’m aiming for.  If I do that….everything else SHOULD fall into place!  The tracking of the food is instrumental in keeping me cognizant of what I’m eating which will definitely help the weight.  Staying within my food budget will bring the weight down!   Exercising will also help with the weight…but face it….if I’m running and riding and being active I may be in the shape I need to be in to complete some of those bucket list goals.   It all goes hand in hand!   I just need consistency on these seemingly simple things!    

I’ve created a calendar so that I can keep track of my progress.  Consistency!

As for 2014 in my general life.  I'm going to CHOOSE to be happy.  I'm going to work on getting our emergency monetary fund built back up. Those are the biggies......I have some projects around the house that are on the 'goals to complete' in 2014 also...things like changing the steps from the deck to the patio....creating steps and a landing off the high end of the patio (landing important for latching the hot tub cover...quite important when it's dark and late at night I discovered)......so projects like that.   2014 is going to be MY YEAR!

Get busy Living or Get busy Dying

Christmas is over......that means celebrations are over...at least for me!!!

A small collage of my day. (Emphasis on food...the relaxing in the living room was too boring to take a picture if)

So Chrismas is over......No more snacks at work (they will be there I'm sure but I will not be indulging).  No more continual desserts being made in my kitchen (cookies, cobbler, fried bananas, ice cream, etc etc etc).  I'm not waiting for the new year....it's happening NOW.

I recently read the book I'd like to apologize to Every Teacher I Ever Had by Tony Danza.   I have to admit, I was somewhat skeptical when I picked up the book.  I had actually looked at the book for ages before anteing up the money to buy it. (and only did so when I received a gift certificate...I'm such a cheapskate!)  I'm glad that I finally did pick up the book.  It was an emotional read for me.  The circumstances were a bit different (he was teaching high school and only one class where as I was teaching elementary school and was inundated with children all day long) but his stories and his experience resonated within me.  I was nodding my head along with his memories and experiences.  But even more importantly, for the first time in a long long time I felt the excitement of education and the feelings that had initially drawn me to that profession.   Was it enough to draw me back to teaching?   No....can't say it is at this time...but I will admit that the thought crossed my mind for a fleeting moment.  But as soon as that did, sanity was reclaimed....memories of teaching and knowledge of how schools are run now were enough to return myself to a state of sanity!!

But reading this book made me look deeply at myself.  It made me look deeply at where I stand (ha....as if I don't do that enough in December with the new year upon me and with my birthday year ending) in life.  The teaching thing has stood  in my life as a huge failure for 13 long years.  My ultimate dream growing up was to have a child......I got married and thought that my husband was on board with the same goal and desire...but after marriage his behavior and tone changed and now at forty-one I have to realize that I failed with that dream.  Fail!  My career (if you can even call it that...I have a job...it's not a career) is a big fat FAIL. (yeah, if you knew how much I got paid you'd agree!)  FAIL!!!!   My marriage......it's been a lot of fails.  I've lost the weight once and regained....fail.  I was losing this year..but stopped and actually started regaining....Fail.  Fail...fail...fail...fail.   It has seemed to be a common occurrence in my life.  FAIL!

However, this book by Tony Danza made me realize that picking myself up out of the ashes is where success is.  No, that was not the premise of the book.  But while I was being awed by the return of those idealistic feelings that I thought were gone....I was seeing the common theme that he was trying to push upon the kids in the book.  What was that common thought?   In my words.....basically that life is crappy sometimes.  Face it...it is....heartbreaking sometimes.   But success is  overcoming the adversarial stuff and succeeding in life.  It's continuing in school even when you are raised in an environment where education is not respected and encouraged.  Success is rising form the ashes of my failures and living a happy well adjusted life.  Success is pushing through the bad and coming out on top..successful and happy.  Winning is taking ourselves and using opportunities, experiences and just life and using it to push us to a better future.  If we sit back and allow life.....we will fail.

As if the book wasn't enough to open my eyes.....I stumbled upon a blog.  It was cowritten by a couple in their mid thirties.  They moved cross country....they bought their first house.....they remodeled that dream house...and literally as they moved into their house the husband was diagnosed with cancer.  The blog continued to chronicle their lives...but it also chornicled the two year fight and eventual death (as in he died within the last two days).  It was a heart wrenching read through this blog (and yes, very voyeuristic) but through it all, even as this gal watched her husband die....even while she's crying out her frustrations, she is holding her head up and carrying on...accepting life and being as upbeat as possible.  Makes my problems look minor...and makes me say "if she can go through that with grace and an upbeat attitude.......I can face my life the same way."

I don't know how to not dwell on these things that I deem failure.  It's incredibly difficult to not be saddened when I see my friends having children.  It's incredibly difficult to hold my head up and smile when my husband and I are going through one of our recurring rough spots.  It's HARD.   But in the words of Westley (the Man in Black)  in the Movie Princess Bride said.  'Life is pain, highness.  Anyone who says differently is trying to sell you something.'    And I just have to TRY.

I need to CHOOSE to be happy!  I need to CHOSE to live my life to the fullest within the confines that has brought me to this exact place.  I'm here for a reason.  I may not like the results of being overweight (ok, i'm still actually obese) but I'm here for a reason.  I may not like being childless...but for whatever reason....that is how I find myself.  I need to find joy in that state (and my niece and nephews certainly help that cause..they are awesome!).   Accept life for what it is!

And as if those previous eye openers weren't enough....(yeah seriously).  Today I was out running. (Yeah, I went running on Christmas morning) I heard the song Try from Pink......tell me these lyrics are not perfect for me!

Where there is desire

There is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame

Someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try try try

Gotta get up and try try try

You gotta get up and try try try

When I accept life and stop wallowing in the negative....I have a feeling that the weight will be much easier to lose....simple because I will feel like I DESERVE to be thin!

Although, in my mind I DO know that I deserve to be thin not matter what!  So right now.....In the words of  Red...played by Morgan Freeman in the movie Shawshenk Redemption.....IIt's time for me to "gett busy living or get busy dying.'     First thing up....the weight will come off and while I'm doing it....I'm choosing to be HAPPY!

Soooo...I actually made a committment to run a trilogy of 5k's...virtually...it's hosted by DVFfitness.com.  The first was on Thanksgiving....I did the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving day.  One down...two to do.  Today is Christmas and that meant number two was upon me.  I got out early.  I was the only person out on the battlefield this morning at 9AM.  It was cold.  I was TEMPTED to cheat and do just two miles.  But I knew that I would only be cheating myself.  I did the WHOLE thing...and then some!  Second 5k of the trilogy done!   One more to go!!!!!

A simple Greeting

And just remember...it's ONE day.....keep it at one day and move on!!!!

Major decision time

  I weighed in the other day at 228.9.  NOT happy with that number...but that's what it is.  I have two options.  I could throw up my hands...cry, wail and gnash my teeth OR I could accept the number.  Recognize what brought that number about.  Fix the trends that have caused that number and move on.  I'm choosing to move on!

So what are my plans to make that number drop again?  The first and most simple thing is that I am weighing myself everyday.  I have to know.  If I don't weigh myself everyday...then the tendency is to skip my weekly weigh ins.  It's not a conscious decision....it's the fact that I just happen to forget.  Honestly forget.   So when I skip I am clueless and I tend to put my head in the sand.  When my head is in the sand I tend to eat what I want to...skirting the edge of healthy but not quite making it.

What else am I doing?  I"m trying to beef up my water consumption.  I've gotten very lax on my water consumption in the last months.  So I'm working to fix that!

Small steps...the biggies will be arriving shortly!

So the weight this morning 226.8  I'm moving downward!

Uhhhhhhhhh,

I don't have much to say today.  I haven't had much to say recently  That usually means one thing........I'm struggling (failing in many cases) with my weight loss efforts.

This time is no different.  I'm struggling big time.  I know that a good part of my problem is mental.  Mentally I'm just not there.  I'm feeling down...I'm feeling a lack of self worth.  I'm struggling.  I sit back and think I'm making progress in healing from things...and then BAM...something hits me and I'm back to being sad.  It can be something as simple as a card in the mail that brings up issues between my husband and I....to a customer bringing in a baby into the bank where I work.  Simple things throw me for a loop.  GAH

So as for my weight.   Right now the biggest change that I'm going to make is that I'm going to start weighing myself daily.  I'm not going to be happy with what I see tomorrow....but I need to see it EVERYDAY.  OTherwise it's a 'far off' /'tomorrow' deal that I don't HAVE to think about....which means that the brownies (the ones in the oven that I can smell right now as they bake) can be eaten with impunity because...well....I have such and such amount of days until I have to face the music of my weight.   That is a start!  The rest will follow...especially since I have some ideas to help me!  Stay tuned!

Bring it On

Christmas is right around the corner....wow....the end of the year is upon us.  

My birthday and the upcoming end of the year caused me to sit back and think and ponder.   Yeah, I did this last year around my birthday also......so is this going to be my new tradition every year?  This year the pondering brought about some depression.  I'll admit it.  It's the same thing.  I sit back and think about where I am.  I can't help but correlate that with where the dreams of a young 20 year old MaryFran had.  I'm not exactly happy with where I am.  Coupled with the issues of this past year and it just hasn't been a good place in my mind.

Last night at zumba I was thinking though.  Yeah, in case you haven't picked up on it....I do some of my best thinking whilst exercising!  Anyway, I was thinking.  And yeah, I can continue to keep my eye out for a better job....something that would actually pay me more than the peanuts that I currently make, but more importantly something that challenges me and makes me excited to go to work. But that is somewhat contingent upon external factors.....the marriage is also contingent upon external factors.  The 'having children' thing is well...I'm pretty sure that that is not going to happen....41 is just kinda old to be starting a family.  So that leaves me back with the weight.......I was doing so good this past year.  I actually reached 40 pounds lost in early July.  And then things went really bad and while I managed to hold onto my weight for a while through the stress in my life....but eventually the weight started creeping back on.  I've regained about 10 pounds.  This is UNACCEPTABLE!   So 2014 is the year that I'm going to totally blast the weight off of my body.  I was talking to my zumba peeps and the instructor after the class.  I mentioned that 2014 I'm going to reach my goal and not let external factors derail me.  Anita (the instructor) smiled and said "the three of us are going to hold you to that and keep you focused!"  I sure hope so because I want the weight GONE!

Meanwhile...this week at zumba my legs have felt like lead weight.  By the end of the class I feel as if I can't even lift my feet off the ground let alone jump. Crazy how some weeks I get into the class and feel light as air and some weeks I go in and drag through it!  I don't let the 'bad classes' derail me...I still push myself.  I still try to jump and move at the highest level possible....but it's hard.

So Christmas is coming...my eating is borderline out of control.  My exercise is so so.  That is NOT going to get me where I want to go.  So tracking begins in earnest.  We are picking up new tennis shoes for Todd today and then hitting up the gym this afternoon.  I'm not going to let this weight win!!!

A pictures is worth a thousand words

Winni enjoys her crocheted hat

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Well, Todd and I have had a few days off of work. (Saturday through today...Tuesday).  I've been proud of what I've gotten accomplished.  I've crocheted a bit......mostly granny squares (using up random pieces of yarn) but also a crocheted cat hat.

Christmas Cross stitch

                                                               I've finished up a cross stitch project.  I started this cross stitch only a month or two ago...and worked on it mainly at work.  I was surprised I got it done in time for Christmas....but I'm happy that I did.  I'm tired of unfinished projects (and yes...my weight is an unfinished project that I need to rectify!)

We went to my nieces gymnastics meet.  She of course takes after her aunt and was dashingly adorable!

Balance Beam

Uneven Bars

We were planning on having lunch with family  after the gymnastics meet.  However, we left the meet and found about 6 inches of snow on the ground.  The roads were horrible so Todd and I called my father and gave our regrets.  It took us over and hour to make it home (10 miles).  We were home for the rest of the day.  It snowed and we just curled up inside and relaxed.  Here is the last picture that was taken before my age flipped up to the new improved number of 41.

Rosy cheeks after being in the hot tub

Two snowy days during my time off.......My birthday snow.....and an early morning hot tub dip.

December 10 hot tub usage

So if you notice there has been very little mention of food in this blog post.  There is a reason.  I haven't been eating exactly the best.

So you may have noticed that this blog post doesn't mention exercise.  There is a reason.   I haven't been exercising exactly the best.

Birthdays are a time to reflect.  I'm want this birthday to be the last year that I sit on my birthday as an obese person.  I'm done.  I'm tired.  I want it.  I'm willing to work for it.  I'm willing to shed the blood, sweat and tears to get it.