The value of ourselves

I have always cringed when I hear someone say that they are losing weight in order to find their perfect partner.  They say that ‘if only I was thin I could find true love.”  These people talk about not being able to live a life and have friends because “I just need to be thin”.    Being thin becomes the holy grail!  Losing weight becomes the solution to all of their problems.  But I am here to tell you that the solution is NOT to lose weight.  The solution is to realize that your self-worth comes from within and NOT from our looks.

Self-worth starts with sitting back and realizing that who we are has so very little to do with the way we look.  It doesn’t come from how much we weigh or how we have styled our hair.  It comes from our personality. It comes from the intrinsic goodness of our souls.  It comes from the kindness of our words and the gentleness of our smiles.  (Or the flip side, it comes from the darkness and nastiness that burns within you if you are one of those people that are mean!) Who we are comes from our hearts and it is THAT facet of us in which our self-worth really comes from.   What the world looks at is only the outside layer.  It’s the skin that protects us.  It is just the packaging for who we are. 

I received the birthday gifts in the mail.  They were wrapped in the brown packaging that they were shipped in.  I kept staring at the packages as the date of the birthday drew nearer.  I knew I needed to wrap them.  I had the birthday gift wrap but I just kept delaying it.   Eventually (hours before the gifts were to be presented) I wrapped them in the festive paper.  Whew…I had done it!  But why?    I literally took off the original packaging and replaced it with a ‘prettier’ packaging.  Did it change the gift at all?  Absolutely not!  The gift was the exact same….it didn’t matter if it was a pretty package or a bland package.  It was what was inside the packaging that counted and mattered to the person that received the gifts.     At the end of that day when the gifts were opened, where did that pretty packaging end up?  It was in the garbage, it wasn’t worth ANYTHING!

Aren’t we just like the packaging on that gift? We can be in an overweight body or we can be in a thin body but does it change who we are inside?   Just like that gift it doesn’t change who we are.    We can wrap ourselves up in a pretty package.  We can lose the weight, restyle our hair, work on our tans and otherwise take care of any and all issues that we think we have with our bodies but what difference does it make?   We are the SAME PERSON no matter what we weigh!

This is a difficult concept to accept and to believe.  Our society has placed so much emphasis on our weight and our appearance that many people are focused on it.   Many people have been ridiculed for their weight (hair, acne, etc) and it isn’t easy to get over.  I get that.  But we need to step back and say ‘It’s just the packaging and those people are too shallow to see that the inside is the same!’

I did an experiment a while back.  I flat out asked people to say something about me.  I wanted to hear what people said. It was awkward because I felt like I was fishing for compliments….but I truly wanted to hear and to share what people REALLY think about me.  So here goes….

·          always available and ready to help

·          approachable and easy to talk to

·         Vibrant personality

·         Great training

·          amazing instructor

·         Awesome, biggest supporter, great listener, non-judgmental, persistently keeping goals in mind and strives for those goals

·         Inspirational

·         Always pleasant and treats you like a friend from the first hello

·         Pleasant and genuine

·         The real deal

·         Go get it attitude and meticulous and organized

·         Someone who gives her heart and soul to each task

·         Contains more creativity in her little finger than most people have in their whole body

·         Nice, sweet, helpful, friendly, outgoing

·         Loud

·         Outgoing and loyal

Not ONE person said anything about my physical appearance.  They all talked about my personality.  They talked about my work ethics.  They talked about my knowledge and my natural gifts.  Not ONCE did they say anything about my weight…..yet some of them have known me at my highest and lowest weights.  In fact, after I explained what my experiment was to one friend she remarked. “I don’t see people for their size but for their heart.  I don’t have fat friends….but I do have GREAT friends.”  That sums it up so perfectly.  

I once heard this remark.  It was in regards to someone that had made a bit of a negative remark about how someone was overweight.  The overweight person responded with, “I can lose weight and look great…my issue is totally changeable.  However, you can’t change your personality.  I can change and be thin and gorgeous….but you will still be mean and spiteful.  Honestly,  it’s you that I pity!”   How true was that comeback? 

Still think that the weight is important?  Sure, we all like a certain type of body, hair color or skin tone (just to name a few) when we are looking at potential partners.  But WHY would you be with someone that is so wrapped up in that one physical attribute.  What happens if that attributes changes?  Will they throw you to the curb like yesterday’s garbage if you gain a bit of weight?  What happens if you lose your hair through some horrible disease or accident?  Would they still love you then?  I don’t know!   I would NEVER want to be with a partner who says they love me but in reality only loved me if I was thin.  Love me fat….love me thin….love me with a curly thick head of hair or bald as a new born baby.  Love me in a variety of different ‘packages’ because the packaging that is me can change….but my heart remains the same!

So that said, I do want to say that it IS ok to try to change the outward appearance of ourselves.   It is perfectly ok.  There is nothing wrong with saying, “I am awesome just as I am…but I want to lose weight to make myself even better.”  There is nothing wrong with saying, “I like me but I would like to be thinner for ME”   Or you can be thinking, I love ME and it is quite ok to not love the packaging.  It’s ok to say “I would like to be in a nicer package.”  Just remember that It doesn’t change you are, it’s just the packaging…..it doesn’t change the ‘gift’ that inside!

I have been there.  I have totally tried to lose weight for the wrong reasons.  I lost a WHOLE BUNCH of weight once in an effort to make my ex love me.  He was always looking at this or that type of person and I tried my hardest to be and achieve what I thought he wanted.     I lost the weight.  But guess what?  It didn’t make him love me….because I just changed the packaging on my body and nothing else changed in our relationship.  He wasn’t in love with the internal facets of me….he wasn’t in love with my personality and quirkiness.  It didn’t work….you can change the packaging but that is all it is, just the fluff package.   Consequentially, I regained a good portion of that weight.  I had lost it for the wrong reasons.  I had not learned the valuable lesson of learning to love ME just as I am. 

Find happiness within yourself.  Think of your internal attributes.  Think of your sense of humor, your gentleness toward animals, your kindness toward the elderly, your vivacious personality, the way you try to help others….whatever makes you…..that individual you.  THAT is what is important.  The  packaging/external 

Emotion alert: self worth takes a bite

I wrote a blog post today. It was heart wrenching, at least for me. I don’t know if I could call it profound, but it came from my heart. The problem? It was rambling and not clear and concise. So I’m going to try to paraphrase the idea in a nice short post.

I saw a picture of myself from 18 months ago. I was disgusted. My face looked so thin in relation to what it is now. Wow, I knew I had gained weight but it really hit home when I saw that picture. 

When I saw the picture my immediate thought went to my self-worth. You see, like most people in our society deep down I still tie self-worth to my size. I know that who I am has nothing to do with my weight. It has to do with the size of my heart, my compassion, my sense of humor, my ethics. But yet those negative thoughts still coming to my mind on occasion. When they do I can’t hope but question so many things. Things like:

 Am I good enough to be loved? When will they decide im unlovable because of my weight???   Am I worthy of even having friends? Am I good enough to get another job promotion??  I’m sure you know the thoughts and emotions… I know that some of my emotions are derived from the baggage of my previous marriage that I actually talked about a few weeks ago.    Furthermore and maybe most importantly,  I know that these negative emotions are invalid.

The negative emotions make me want to knuckle down and lose every ounce of this excess weight. After all, if I lose the weight then my self worth and value increases right? But let me backtrack and remind myself and anyone reading this that those emotions are invalid...my self worth is NOT tied to my weight.   So then I sit back and say the opposite thing.  Why bother losing weight because I certainly never want to lose weight to make someone love me...or be friends with me.   Been there done that!

I need to lose weight because I want to.  I need to do it because I see the worthiness in living a healthy lifestyle.  I need to do it because my knees ache and that is unacceptable to ME!   I need to do it for ME...because I want the benefits.  I will still be the same compassionate, caring, goodball girl if I lose the weight.  My self worth won’t change, what will change is the activities I will be capable of doing!!!

(So earlier you got the thinner faced me from 18 mo this ago...here is the current...see the difference!!)

One persons junk......

Back to the grind......another weekend in the books.   We took this weekend easy.  Jason's knee was bothering him as was the burning pain on the top of my foot.  So we took it easy.  We did some geocaching, hit up a few stores and walked some on the canal.  Nothing strenuous and nothing overly rough on the legs and feet!  

Lander Lock on the Chesapeake and Ohio canal

So the running challenge.   Jason responded to the Thursday  and Friday runs that I wrote about on Friday.  He responded with a nice run to put him 2/10ths  of a mile above me!   I knew that running in Friday night  was out.  I thought about waking up at 5 to run before work on Saturday but that didn't happen.  I then thought about leaving work and stopping at the parking lot right down from his apartment (where we were meeting right after work) and running a circle around the parking lot to get my .21 miles to take the win, hopping in my car, hitting save on the mapmyfitness app and then driving the 1 minute to his house...there would be no way for him to recover!!!  But I decided that was underhanded and that I would 'let' him win this week!  (I may have to pull out that trick in a future week!!!!)

The last few weeks or so I have been really struggling with self image.    Jason is very vocal about telling me that he loves me and that I am beautiful.  Even better his actions stand firm behind his words.  But recently I have struggled with not scoffing at his compliments.    I have laid in bed alone and just wanted to scream and shout and say 'what in the world are you looking at because it's not what I see in the mirror!'  

I have long wondered about something...and it clicked a few weeks ago.   Before I started trying to lose weight about 10-11 years ago I was happy with myself.   I looked in the mirror and I didn't have a problem with

 myself.   I was happy.....but somehow in the last 12 years or so I started to look in the mirror and see something different. A person I wasn't happy with!   I've written for years on here that losing weight is a process that starts within us...it's a deep belief that we are worth it.  Self worth is so important in this journey....because it's not an easy path to change your life!   (Some days and weeks will be easy but some will be difficult as you fight off cravings and say no to something you really want...as you fend of friends and family that mean well and as you claw your way to health!). So what happened to me to go from a gal that felt self worth to someone that looked in the mirror and said 'eewww'??   A crappy marriage happened to me.    My ex husband NEVER said anything about my weight!  I will give him credit on that front.  He was always passively supportive of me going to weight watchers and going for runs and whatever. But his disinterest in me as a woman and marital partner took its toll on my self worth.  Actions speak louder than words!   Waaaaay louder!   And I felt unworthy, ugly and yes....fat!   When things started going south in my marriage I decided to lose weight....for a man...to make my husband love me!!!!   Of course it didn't work....his problems went way deeper than a few pounds on or off of my body (if I can call 130 pounds a 'few pounds'. Hahaha)  by the time I finally stopped accepting responsibility for his actions of disinterest it was too late.   The seeds of poor self worth had already been firmly implanted in my head.    I learned this feeling....it came because someone (who is obviously stupid...I can say that now it took me years to get to that point) who was supposed to love and treasure me did not do their job that hey had vowed to do.  Through no fault of my own (well the only fault of mine was marrying him and staying married as long as I did...but that's a whole different story!) I have a skewed view of myself!

So how does one shake these feelings and beliefs?  

 I think the first part is just accepting that while some people don't see value...others will.   It's the old adage that  'one persons junk is another persons treasure'.   For me this happened through friends in my life that showed me in their actions that I was a good friend, that I was an awesome person just the way I was.   It was someone telling me that I was lovable! (And I will forever be grateful for the people in my life ...most of whom are sadly no longer in my life....their purpose in my life is over and life moved us on in differing directions....but I have thanked them!)

The second part, and much more difficult part I think is simply to 'fake it until you make it'.     When you are given a compliment, learn to (force yourself to) accept it graciously!!!!  The compliments will keep coming...accept them all!   Don't scoff and roll your eyes.   Accept them graciously!   By accepting them and actually going through the motions of at least acting like you believe them you are admitting there might be some validity!   Slowly you'll believe them more and more!!!   Retrain your mind!!!!

There will always be stupid people that won't see our value and will through their actions make us feel inferior.   There will always be cruel people that will see our value but it scares them because they see more value in us then themselves so they will do things to put us down.  

Fat....thin...chunky....string bean....pleasingly plump....model thin....it doesn't matter we are all gorgeous in our own way!!!!  And I know this is a cliche but it it absolutely correct, 'true beauty comes from within'.   The most gorgeous woman in the world becomes ugly when they start spewing filth and hatred from their mouth!   The most handsome man becomes undesirable when we see him kick a puppy!  (or whatever!!). 

I'm a work in progress....and while I have made great leaps and bounds to rediscovering my self worth, I will continue to fake it until I make it because I KNOW I am worth the effort!  (We all are!!)

  

Down with the Pity Party

It's been a great weekend for friendships.  I got to spend some time with two different friends and I got to spend some time talking on the phone to another friend.  Ahhh...that's the life.

I just got back from a chilly Sunday morning walk with my one friend.  As always, our mouths go a mile a minute as we talk about everything from cooking, to kids, to money matters, to weight loss.  Nothing is taboo and we cover it all.  This morning we spent some time reflecting on weight loss.  She and I have both lost weight.  She and I have both gained weight.  She and I have both struggled.  While we walked along a question was posed "What was different the times that we have actually lost weight?"  and of course that question led to "what happened to make us stop losing and to in fact gain?"  I was easily able to say that I believed in myself. I felt I was worth it. And those two things combined to be the magic to help me lose weight.    

 I was able to trace my weight loss journey.  I decided to lose weight.  I had goals and magical dreams about what life would be like when I lost the weight.  The skies would open, angels would sing, squirrels and chipmunks would dance.  In other words, my life was going to be fantastic.  I believed it and I felt worth of that fantastic life.  I lost the weight and I realized that it wasn't that way.  The chipmunks didn't sing and no angels sang.  My life was exactly the same except that I had a bit more energy and my clothes were a smaller size.  The life problems were still there.....weight loss didn't fix everything. So I gained.  I was valiantly trying to lose weight still..but I felt worthless....life was kicking me.  It was a losing battle...I gained.  I tried weight watchers again but I couldn't get the weight off.  I was listening to life and allowing it to derail me. I was miserable and felt worthless.   I had some life lessons in 2011 and 2012.  I won't go into depth with them, as many of them are intensely personal....but I realized that I'm worth a whole bunch.  I was worth it!  So in 2013 I made a massive push to lose the weight.  I was doing great!  Everything was fine and dandy...and then something happened to shake my sense of self worth.  Damn self worth!   What happened?  I stopped losing and I slowly started gaining.   GRRRRR   

So I can see where the issues begin and end.  I know the problem.  Conversely my friend walked through her weight loss journey and she could trace back to her root problems. It's right there in black and white.

Oh we can say, marital problems, financial problems, death in the family, family obligations, depression, health problems, and whatever other problems that crop up in life.  Those problems are there.  That is not what has caused us to be derailed.  What has caused the derailment is this......it's the dang pity party that we throw!   Yes, some of the marital problems I've faced are...well.....crap to the crappiest degree.  I've faced them and I'm working through what I can.  They have given my self worth a shake, but that's not what derailed me.  I was derailed because I started a pity party!   Finances suck. It really blows to be tight financially.  But you know what.  A roof over ones head and food on ones table is a really good thing.  A pity party about it, is not!  

Enough!   No more pity parties!   Life will beat us down sometimes.  Sometimes there will be things that shake us to the core.  There will be times where we question our worthiness.  That's ok.  Deal with it and continue to live.  

So I was set to run the Chilly Willy 5k yesterday morning. I picked up my race packet the day before.

I was pleased because it was supposed to be warmer than the bone chilling temps.  What a blessing.  However, the 90% chance of rain was not so full of blessing.  Paula and I went to pick up our race packets and when we saw how loosely organized this race was (seriously, I chose my bib number and I don't even believe that they wrote down what bib number I was).   We noticed that the roads were not marked...and they gave us a google map with small arrows depicting the route.   Well, Paula and I decided to sit this run out.  We just didn't find it worth it to go out in cold (it was warmer than the zero degrees...but the 30-40's are still cold...and utterly miserable in the rain!)!  So I got a teeshirt to sleep in.  ha ha ha

The bad thing?   I had planned that as my exercise and of course that time got sucked up by other activities and I didn't get my exercise in.  I had purposefully taken off on Friday.  So I've already used my 2 free pass days on exercise.  I'll push myself.....because in terms of goals...I've already toasted my water consumption on two days also!    Moving forward.......

No longer insurmountable

A while back I was having a conversation with a friend.  I was remarking about how the last few months have been a constant barrage of things that have derailed me from my weight loss efforts.  It was being diagnosed with plantars fasciitis (and the pain that accompanies that), the flu, a sore arm (who knows what that is), some personal issues.  One thing after another hit me.  I would just get myself back in line and it seemed as if another thing would hit me square in the forehead and derail me again.

Excuses?   Yes.  Are they valid?  Absolutely.   They were all valid things that cropped up in my life.  However for the last week or so since that conversation I've pondered this.   I've thought about the fact that I've struggled with my weight.  I've not really lost anything and I've been struggling with getting myself regulated with my exercise routine.  I haven't known what to say or what to think about it.

That is until tonight.  I was talking to a different friend and she mentioned that she wanted to lose weight so that she could like herself when she looked in the mirror.   I started to respond.  "The trick is you have to learn to love yourself  before you start.   Love yourself because you will need to know that you are worth everything.  If you know that you are worth it, nothing will stop you.  You will know that you are worth every minute of hard work and every dollar of  money that you spend at the gym or on healthy pursuits.  As I started to talk to her it hit me that THAT was the answer.

In the last three months I stopped liking mself.   Or rather, I liked myself but I was struggling with self worth issues. The excuses in my life were stoppable to me only because I allowed them to rule me.  I'm worth a whole lot more.  I'm worth the extra time and energy to overcome each and every roadblock!!! 

So yes, they are valid excuses.   But they are STILL excuses and should have no affect on me.  THere is always a way around it!!!!!!

A change of thinking and zumba (again!)

I'll start with zumba today since there was some questions.  I stumbled upon was forced to try zumba a few years ago.  My friend Sherry had been telling me about this great workout.  She kept telling me that I just HAD to try it.  I threw up every excuse in the book.  You see, the fear that I talked about a few days ago was rearing it's ugly head.  I was afraid to try an exercise class.  I was afraid that I would look like a water buffalo on crack.  I was afraid of going in as a 'fat girl', I wanted to wait until I was thinner.  I was afraid of the unknown.  I was afraid of it all.   Sherry kept prodding...she was relentless.  She even went as far as to find a class that I could attend, even with my wonky work schedule.  (the zumba site actually has classes listed, it's great...in case you missed that link...here it is again!)  I was pressured and I was freaked out.  Remember, I said she was relentless. One day I caved and grudgingly said "OK then, I'll do it!"  I admit, that I said I'd go only to appease my friend.  I went.  I was scared.  I was nervous.  I tried to stay in the far back corner.  And guess what?   That hour flew by!  I worked up a sweat!   I was even smiling!   It was absolutely fun!  I went back the next week.  I started making friends at the class.  One night I accidentally found myself in the front row and found that zumba is even more fun when you have a birds eye view of the instructor. I fell in love with the class.  :-)  By the way....thank you Sherry!  You rock for getting me over that hump to try something that you KNEW I would love!  And this just goes to prove that sometimes we have to force ourselves to do things that scare us because we may find out that we LOVE it!

Reasons why I'm a huge proponent of zumba.
1.  The hour flies by. It is face paced music with a good beat that helps the time FLY by!
2.  Modifiable.  Zumba is awesome in that it can be modified.  If you are at a lower level of fitness you can tap your toes in time with the music. If you are medium level you can side step. If you are at a high level you can jump it.  A good instructor will give the modifications to the group.  Some days I am full of vigor and just rock my work out at the highest energy level.....but some days I go and I have to dial it back and lower the intensity level.  Zumba allows me to do that.
3.  Zumba is not just dancing.  It combines dance steps with fitness moves.  Those dreaded lunges, squats and jumping jacks (amongst others) get slipped into the songs choreography so that while you know you are doing them, your mind isn't screaming about it.  (yeah, it's a mind game).
4.  Variety.  Zumba has tons of different levels certifications that instructors can get.  There is zumba toning (zumba with toning sticks to help ton muscles), aqua zumba (zumba in a pool), sentao (zumba with a chair.....don't let the chair fool you, it's a KILLER workout), zumba gold (zumba that's even toned down further for people in their golden years), zumbatonics (kids I believe), etc etc etc.
5.  It's a great workout.  It has lots of work to help slim down and shape the body!  And don't we all want to be shapely???

I could wax poetic about zumba, but I wont' continue.  I do have zumba for my Xbox kinect.  I use it and like the workout.  But there is just a vibe and energy in a class that I personally love.    It's not for everyone...but I would encourage everyone to try it just once.  :-)

I have sat back on this journey and learned many things about myself.  The one thing that I've figured out but I just struggle with changing is the mentality of "I can't do that now...I will wait until I'm at my forever weight."  That was one of my thoughts with zumba....I'll do it when I get to a better weight.   You know what I'm talking about...it's statements like.....I'm not going to buy new clothes now, I'm going to wait until I lose the weight. I'm not going to go on that big vacation now, I want to be thin and gorgeous first.  I'm not going to do this or that until I drop the weight.  Well I'm here to say Why the heck not?  Why does weight have to define everything.  We have to love ourselves as we are right now.  The person that we are inside right now.  That is the key ingredient to losing the weight....loving ourselves.  You see, if we don't love ourselves, then we won't value ourselves enough to make the effort that it takes to lose the weight.  It's a vicious cycle.  We don't feel worthy of doing what we want now because we are bigger.  That parlays into our efforts to lose the weight because self worth plays a BIG roll in weight loss. And if our self worth keeps us from losing the weight, then how in the world will we EVER get to the weight loss goal in order for us to do all of the 'when I get to my forever weight' things?  I'm rambling, but I don't know how to say it better.   I'm going to endeavor to not let my excess weight (that is temporarily clinging to my body) hold me back. If I want to go to a nude beach, I'm going to say "to Hell with it....I'm doing it!"  (luckily for me, that's not something I think I will EVER say though...haa haaa haa..but if I did....)

I will leave this post with a bit of a story.....

Once there was a girl named MaryFran.  She had a pair of pants that were HUGE on her.  She got into the bad habit of not unbuttoning and unzipping her pants.  She would just pull them on and off without that hassle.  One day...lets say it was a Friday...probably January 18th, maybe the year 2013. (haa haa haa) she was getting ready to go to work and was in a rush because as typical, she had messed around with housework all morning and found herself crushed for time.  She hopped out of the shower, dried off and quickly grabbed these pants.  She pulled them up and immediately put on her shirt and then was out the door.  About 45 minutes after getting to work, this poor girl put her hands in her pocket and noticed something funny about the pockets.  She pulled and prodded the pockets trying to figure out why there was only room in her pockets for her fingers and not her whole hand.  She was so confused.  She started to look more closely at the pants and that is when she noticed.  Why yes......she had pulled her pants on and had worn them backwards for the first 45 minutes of work, even as she waited on customers!   She quickly righted the wrong of course.  But it did make her laugh so hard that she was crying (and of course she told her co-workers who laughed just as hard).........just like she hopes it makes you laugh.  (yes, this is a VERY true story!)

Body Image

I hate my body as it is right now.  Yet, I'm still quite a few (about 65) pounds lower than my highest ever weight.  I didn't hate my body at that higher weight.  I didn't lament about it. So I had a belly.  SO my thighs jiggled.  Big whop.  It didn't bother me.    I was comfortable in my own skin. I knew I was overweight but I was comfortable.  My self worth was secure.  I liked me for me.  I liked myself and I was confident in saying, "To hell with anyone that doesn't like me because I'm fat, I wouldn't want friends like that anyway."

I started losing weight simply because I wanted to.  And I found a whole new world.  I found a deeper level of confidence.  I found energy.  I found really cute clothes.  I was in my glory.  But was I happy?  No, for the first time ever I looked in the mirror and I saw a fat body.  Really?   I looked in the mirror at 315 pounds and I was at peace, yet when I looked in the mirror at 180 I saw a fat hog?  What came over me?  How could I not see it?    I will back up and say that I did see it in pictures.  There was  notable time when I was looking at a picture and I actually started questioning my husband about a thin woman in his studio and why in the world he had his arm around her.  Uhhhhh yeah, the girl was me.  So I could see that the girl in the picture was a skinny mini (I was and NEVER will be rail thin...but 315 to 180 is SKINNY)   Why could I not see it when I looked at myself?   My self confidence in myself was strong but my happiness with my body had wavered.

I maintained that lower weight for a while.  I was happy.  I loved the clothes I as able to wear and was amused to see that my style is totally different than I always thought it would be.   Fun stuff.  However, remember my happiness with my body had wavered and things were not copacetic within me.   I hadn't learned the proper life lessons needed to maintain my loss.   Looking back, it should have come as no shock that I gained weight.  I gained  lot of weight. I've got another mountain to climb to get back into my cute clothes.  65 pounds, give or take.  It's not pretty.  As my weight has increased so has my dissatisfaction with my  body.  My previous satisfaction with where I was and comfortable in my own skin when I was at that much higher weight did NOT return.   I honestly didn't expect it to.  I tasted what skinny feels like and I liked that taste.  I want that back.

As I lose the weight this time I don't know how I will combat this tendency that I displayed about not seeing myself as a thin person.  I don't have the answers.  However, I do now realize that fat is not the happy place of my earlier life.   

Fat is not for me any longer.  I'm choosing to live thin.  If I look in the mirror and see a fat chick,well so be it.  I like the energy, the confidence and the feeling of good health that swirled about me.  Body image is just that.....it's an IMAGE that my mind has conceived.  It is not a real thing...it's a perception.  I'm no longer going to be constrained to those perceptions! 

I LOVE ME

I was talking to my niece and nephews the other day.  Somehow the subject of gymnastics came up. (not surprising as my niece is on a competitive gymnastics team...and she LOVES it).  I remarked that my nieces body is pure muscle and that was awesome.  (when you cuddle with her you are cuddling with a little muscular girl).  She looked at me and got the most blissful smile on her face and said "I love me!"

Out of the mouths of babes.  This is how we should ALL be.  We should be this way for ourselves.  Like us for who we are.  Like us for what we have done for ourselves.  Like us for the person that is inside.  If we all practiced the "I love me" mentality, it in theory would be easier to lose weight.  We do things for the ones that we love.  Who wouldn't think about giving up something for a person that they love with all their heart?  I would gladly forgo something for my loved ones.  Yet I won't forgo the momentary pleasure of food for myself?   Do I not think I'm worth that effort?  I won't drag myself out of bed a bit earlier to exercise.  Do I not think I'm worth the effort????  

That is where I am wrong.  I am a wonderfully made woman.  I am worth EVERY OUNCE of effort that is put into making me a better person.  I LOVE ME and I need to start acting like it!

This world would be a MUCH BETTER PLACE if everyone took the "I love me" mentality!