Get busy Living or Get busy Dying

Christmas is over......that means celebrations are over...at least for me!!!

A small collage of my day. (Emphasis on food...the relaxing in the living room was too boring to take a picture if)

So Chrismas is over......No more snacks at work (they will be there I'm sure but I will not be indulging).  No more continual desserts being made in my kitchen (cookies, cobbler, fried bananas, ice cream, etc etc etc).  I'm not waiting for the new year....it's happening NOW.

I recently read the book I'd like to apologize to Every Teacher I Ever Had by Tony Danza.   I have to admit, I was somewhat skeptical when I picked up the book.  I had actually looked at the book for ages before anteing up the money to buy it. (and only did so when I received a gift certificate...I'm such a cheapskate!)  I'm glad that I finally did pick up the book.  It was an emotional read for me.  The circumstances were a bit different (he was teaching high school and only one class where as I was teaching elementary school and was inundated with children all day long) but his stories and his experience resonated within me.  I was nodding my head along with his memories and experiences.  But even more importantly, for the first time in a long long time I felt the excitement of education and the feelings that had initially drawn me to that profession.   Was it enough to draw me back to teaching?   No....can't say it is at this time...but I will admit that the thought crossed my mind for a fleeting moment.  But as soon as that did, sanity was reclaimed....memories of teaching and knowledge of how schools are run now were enough to return myself to a state of sanity!!

But reading this book made me look deeply at myself.  It made me look deeply at where I stand (ha....as if I don't do that enough in December with the new year upon me and with my birthday year ending) in life.  The teaching thing has stood  in my life as a huge failure for 13 long years.  My ultimate dream growing up was to have a child......I got married and thought that my husband was on board with the same goal and desire...but after marriage his behavior and tone changed and now at forty-one I have to realize that I failed with that dream.  Fail!  My career (if you can even call it that...I have a job...it's not a career) is a big fat FAIL. (yeah, if you knew how much I got paid you'd agree!)  FAIL!!!!   My marriage......it's been a lot of fails.  I've lost the weight once and regained....fail.  I was losing this year..but stopped and actually started regaining....Fail.  Fail...fail...fail...fail.   It has seemed to be a common occurrence in my life.  FAIL!

However, this book by Tony Danza made me realize that picking myself up out of the ashes is where success is.  No, that was not the premise of the book.  But while I was being awed by the return of those idealistic feelings that I thought were gone....I was seeing the common theme that he was trying to push upon the kids in the book.  What was that common thought?   In my words.....basically that life is crappy sometimes.  Face it...it is....heartbreaking sometimes.   But success is  overcoming the adversarial stuff and succeeding in life.  It's continuing in school even when you are raised in an environment where education is not respected and encouraged.  Success is rising form the ashes of my failures and living a happy well adjusted life.  Success is pushing through the bad and coming out on top..successful and happy.  Winning is taking ourselves and using opportunities, experiences and just life and using it to push us to a better future.  If we sit back and allow life.....we will fail.

As if the book wasn't enough to open my eyes.....I stumbled upon a blog.  It was cowritten by a couple in their mid thirties.  They moved cross country....they bought their first house.....they remodeled that dream house...and literally as they moved into their house the husband was diagnosed with cancer.  The blog continued to chronicle their lives...but it also chornicled the two year fight and eventual death (as in he died within the last two days).  It was a heart wrenching read through this blog (and yes, very voyeuristic) but through it all, even as this gal watched her husband die....even while she's crying out her frustrations, she is holding her head up and carrying on...accepting life and being as upbeat as possible.  Makes my problems look minor...and makes me say "if she can go through that with grace and an upbeat attitude.......I can face my life the same way."

I don't know how to not dwell on these things that I deem failure.  It's incredibly difficult to not be saddened when I see my friends having children.  It's incredibly difficult to hold my head up and smile when my husband and I are going through one of our recurring rough spots.  It's HARD.   But in the words of Westley (the Man in Black)  in the Movie Princess Bride said.  'Life is pain, highness.  Anyone who says differently is trying to sell you something.'    And I just have to TRY.

I need to CHOOSE to be happy!  I need to CHOSE to live my life to the fullest within the confines that has brought me to this exact place.  I'm here for a reason.  I may not like the results of being overweight (ok, i'm still actually obese) but I'm here for a reason.  I may not like being childless...but for whatever reason....that is how I find myself.  I need to find joy in that state (and my niece and nephews certainly help that cause..they are awesome!).   Accept life for what it is!

And as if those previous eye openers weren't enough....(yeah seriously).  Today I was out running. (Yeah, I went running on Christmas morning) I heard the song Try from Pink......tell me these lyrics are not perfect for me!

Where there is desire

There is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame

Someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try try try

Gotta get up and try try try

You gotta get up and try try try

When I accept life and stop wallowing in the negative....I have a feeling that the weight will be much easier to lose....simple because I will feel like I DESERVE to be thin!

Although, in my mind I DO know that I deserve to be thin not matter what!  So right now.....In the words of  Red...played by Morgan Freeman in the movie Shawshenk Redemption.....IIt's time for me to "gett busy living or get busy dying.'     First thing up....the weight will come off and while I'm doing it....I'm choosing to be HAPPY!

Soooo...I actually made a committment to run a trilogy of 5k's...virtually...it's hosted by DVFfitness.com.  The first was on Thanksgiving....I did the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving day.  One down...two to do.  Today is Christmas and that meant number two was upon me.  I got out early.  I was the only person out on the battlefield this morning at 9AM.  It was cold.  I was TEMPTED to cheat and do just two miles.  But I knew that I would only be cheating myself.  I did the WHOLE thing...and then some!  Second 5k of the trilogy done!   One more to go!!!!!

A simple Greeting

And just remember...it's ONE day.....keep it at one day and move on!!!!

Major decision time

  I weighed in the other day at 228.9.  NOT happy with that number...but that's what it is.  I have two options.  I could throw up my hands...cry, wail and gnash my teeth OR I could accept the number.  Recognize what brought that number about.  Fix the trends that have caused that number and move on.  I'm choosing to move on!

So what are my plans to make that number drop again?  The first and most simple thing is that I am weighing myself everyday.  I have to know.  If I don't weigh myself everyday...then the tendency is to skip my weekly weigh ins.  It's not a conscious decision....it's the fact that I just happen to forget.  Honestly forget.   So when I skip I am clueless and I tend to put my head in the sand.  When my head is in the sand I tend to eat what I want to...skirting the edge of healthy but not quite making it.

What else am I doing?  I"m trying to beef up my water consumption.  I've gotten very lax on my water consumption in the last months.  So I'm working to fix that!

Small steps...the biggies will be arriving shortly!

So the weight this morning 226.8  I'm moving downward!

Uhhhhhhhhh,

I don't have much to say today.  I haven't had much to say recently  That usually means one thing........I'm struggling (failing in many cases) with my weight loss efforts.

This time is no different.  I'm struggling big time.  I know that a good part of my problem is mental.  Mentally I'm just not there.  I'm feeling down...I'm feeling a lack of self worth.  I'm struggling.  I sit back and think I'm making progress in healing from things...and then BAM...something hits me and I'm back to being sad.  It can be something as simple as a card in the mail that brings up issues between my husband and I....to a customer bringing in a baby into the bank where I work.  Simple things throw me for a loop.  GAH

So as for my weight.   Right now the biggest change that I'm going to make is that I'm going to start weighing myself daily.  I'm not going to be happy with what I see tomorrow....but I need to see it EVERYDAY.  OTherwise it's a 'far off' /'tomorrow' deal that I don't HAVE to think about....which means that the brownies (the ones in the oven that I can smell right now as they bake) can be eaten with impunity because...well....I have such and such amount of days until I have to face the music of my weight.   That is a start!  The rest will follow...especially since I have some ideas to help me!  Stay tuned!

Bring it On

Christmas is right around the corner....wow....the end of the year is upon us.  

My birthday and the upcoming end of the year caused me to sit back and think and ponder.   Yeah, I did this last year around my birthday also......so is this going to be my new tradition every year?  This year the pondering brought about some depression.  I'll admit it.  It's the same thing.  I sit back and think about where I am.  I can't help but correlate that with where the dreams of a young 20 year old MaryFran had.  I'm not exactly happy with where I am.  Coupled with the issues of this past year and it just hasn't been a good place in my mind.

Last night at zumba I was thinking though.  Yeah, in case you haven't picked up on it....I do some of my best thinking whilst exercising!  Anyway, I was thinking.  And yeah, I can continue to keep my eye out for a better job....something that would actually pay me more than the peanuts that I currently make, but more importantly something that challenges me and makes me excited to go to work. But that is somewhat contingent upon external factors.....the marriage is also contingent upon external factors.  The 'having children' thing is well...I'm pretty sure that that is not going to happen....41 is just kinda old to be starting a family.  So that leaves me back with the weight.......I was doing so good this past year.  I actually reached 40 pounds lost in early July.  And then things went really bad and while I managed to hold onto my weight for a while through the stress in my life....but eventually the weight started creeping back on.  I've regained about 10 pounds.  This is UNACCEPTABLE!   So 2014 is the year that I'm going to totally blast the weight off of my body.  I was talking to my zumba peeps and the instructor after the class.  I mentioned that 2014 I'm going to reach my goal and not let external factors derail me.  Anita (the instructor) smiled and said "the three of us are going to hold you to that and keep you focused!"  I sure hope so because I want the weight GONE!

Meanwhile...this week at zumba my legs have felt like lead weight.  By the end of the class I feel as if I can't even lift my feet off the ground let alone jump. Crazy how some weeks I get into the class and feel light as air and some weeks I go in and drag through it!  I don't let the 'bad classes' derail me...I still push myself.  I still try to jump and move at the highest level possible....but it's hard.

So Christmas is coming...my eating is borderline out of control.  My exercise is so so.  That is NOT going to get me where I want to go.  So tracking begins in earnest.  We are picking up new tennis shoes for Todd today and then hitting up the gym this afternoon.  I'm not going to let this weight win!!!

A pictures is worth a thousand words

Winni enjoys her crocheted hat

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Well, Todd and I have had a few days off of work. (Saturday through today...Tuesday).  I've been proud of what I've gotten accomplished.  I've crocheted a bit......mostly granny squares (using up random pieces of yarn) but also a crocheted cat hat.

Christmas Cross stitch

                                                               I've finished up a cross stitch project.  I started this cross stitch only a month or two ago...and worked on it mainly at work.  I was surprised I got it done in time for Christmas....but I'm happy that I did.  I'm tired of unfinished projects (and yes...my weight is an unfinished project that I need to rectify!)

We went to my nieces gymnastics meet.  She of course takes after her aunt and was dashingly adorable!

Balance Beam

Uneven Bars

We were planning on having lunch with family  after the gymnastics meet.  However, we left the meet and found about 6 inches of snow on the ground.  The roads were horrible so Todd and I called my father and gave our regrets.  It took us over and hour to make it home (10 miles).  We were home for the rest of the day.  It snowed and we just curled up inside and relaxed.  Here is the last picture that was taken before my age flipped up to the new improved number of 41.

Rosy cheeks after being in the hot tub

Two snowy days during my time off.......My birthday snow.....and an early morning hot tub dip.

December 10 hot tub usage

So if you notice there has been very little mention of food in this blog post.  There is a reason.  I haven't been eating exactly the best.

So you may have noticed that this blog post doesn't mention exercise.  There is a reason.   I haven't been exercising exactly the best.

Birthdays are a time to reflect.  I'm want this birthday to be the last year that I sit on my birthday as an obese person.  I'm done.  I'm tired.  I want it.  I'm willing to work for it.  I'm willing to shed the blood, sweat and tears to get it.

Swimming in Chocolate

ARRRGGGHHHHHH

225.1  Up.  My eating on Thursday was totally less than stellar.  I had my plans and they went up in flames when life threw some curveballs.  GRRRR  

I was totally determined to be good on Friday  I had great plans.  I had my breakfast...I packed my lunch....I was set!  And then they decided to order out Chinese.  Ohhhhh that sounded so god.  I initially said no. Then I thought about it and I started to waffle on my decision.  And yeah, I ordered sweet and sour chicken.   Surprisingly my calories were still in line when I put in my actual meals.  What threw me over was the darn boxes of chocolate that a customer recently brought us at work.  I nibbled......I'm not going to say how many pieces but I'll say this....it was close to 400-500 calories in chocolate.  Uhhhh not good.

We are heading into a 'vacation period'....four days off.  It's gonna be rough.  I'm not admitting defeat...but I'm just saying it's gonna be difficult!!!!

Completely Nuts & Nonconforming......another try at CNN

Yesterday was a good day.  I woke up and had a healthy breakfast (oatmeal with a banana cooked in with the oatmeal...so tasty) and headed out for a run.  I packed my lunch (a salad) and I knew what dinner was going to be.  I was set for the day.  I had a slight problem when I forgot my banana in my lunch, but it turns out that my salad filled me up and I didn't need the banana.  However, I guess I did not need to replace the missing banana with the truffle that I had at work. (Darn-it, our customers bring us so many yummy things! And it's only going to get worse during the holiday season!).  75 calories and I was OK, still within my planned caloric budget.   The second truffle was probably over the edge....but I wasn't too concerned.  I had run and I also knew I was heading to zumba later in the day.  :-)

So zumba and a run!  My run was an ok run.  My pace was slow and steady but I was out there moving.  It will improve with consistency.

So we all know that when I run I start to think about things.  Sometimes I have some amazing Epiphanies whilst I'm out running.  (Yes, my thoughts are amazing, and don't you dare tell me otherwise!  Leave me to my delusions!)   This morning my thoughts were spurred on by random facebook post that I had read earlier in the morning.  The facebook post was about the CNN triathlon challenge that they do each year...the six pack thingy.  

My thoughts were all over the place.  Way back in December 2011 I applied to be part of the 2012 team.  I had thought of my application and possibly being picked as a 'salvation'.  If I got picked I would be swooped from the world of obese lethargy.   They would fix my woes.   When I wasn't picked I lost my 'chance' and I gave up.  No one was going to save me so I sat on my couch and ate myself into oblivion. Ohhh, I was still giving off the attitude of caring and trying.  However, my spirit was crushed.  It wasn't until about a year later that I realized that they couldn't swoop in and save me.  There is only one person that can save me and that is myself.

After I had thoroughly  chewed over those thoughts the epiphany happened.  Why not try again this year?   This year I wouldn't be looking for a savior to fix me.  I would just be looking for help as I tried to save myself and also looking for assistance as I try to knock a triathlon off my bucket list!   I ran along down the road and I decided to do it.  I gathered my thoughts about what direction I would want my video to go and grabbed Todd and off I went.  My video is raw, unscripted, off the cuff.  I may have rambled a bit.  But you know what.  I don't care.  It's me, it's a wild stab and I can sleep well at night knowing that I didn't waffle on that thought.  I don't want to live my life with regrets...thinking "you know what, I thought about applying but I didn't".

I don't hold out any great hope....but I'll tell you this...I want it.  :)

Down with a Gain

Victory precedes failure.   I was on top of it last week when I weighed myself after Thanksgiving and saw a loss/maintain.  And then life happened.  My binge hasn't been a planned bing, it's simply been circumstances that put food in front of my face....and we all know that I struggle to say no.  Ok, it hasn't been THAT bad, but my weight is definitely up this morning.   I've got until Friday to get it back in line...because I do NOT want to show a gain. 

So my food is planned for the day.  I've got my plan.  I've packed my lunch.  My food is accounted for in myfitnesspal.com.    I have exercise planned.  I know what to do and I'm going to do it!

It's December and I'm making a vow to propel myself 100 miles this month.  I reached the 100 mile mark this way:
    1.  I plan on running three times a week. 2-3 miles each run.  So I figured to count 7 miles a week for running.   That's at least 28 miles for the month.
    2.  That leaves me about 72 miles.  Eighteen miles a week. I'm planning on jumping on the exercise bike.  My bike workds...but the computer doesn't...so I can't get an accurate reading on how many miles.  I'm planning on counting a half hour as 5 miles.  (When it worked I was doing about a 15 miles an hour...so I'm actually probably cutting myself short...but I'd rather error on the side of caution)  Sooooo....about 1 hour and 45 minutes on the exercise bike a week.  I've got that.

So Decembers weekly work out plan.......

*Exercise bike=  at least two hours
*Zumba = two times
*Running =  three times

Everything else (walking, gym, extra zumba) is icing on the cake.

Hold me to it!!!!

Who's your daddy???

Well well well......today was my 'weigh in' .   I've set up my accountability with my friends Sherry, Donna and Julie. Basically on Fridays I send them my weight.   They are not required to reciprocate but I am more than willing to be their accountability partner in return.  (and they all jumped at the accountability deal....go friends!)

One day post feeding frenzy and I was really quite nervous about stepping on the scales.  Not surprising eh?   I almost forgot.  I was in the kitchen doing some cooking and prep work for the days meals.  I actually had taken a small bite of turkey salad and had put my breakfast in a bowl (fruit salad) and I remembered!  HIP HIP HURRAY.  (note my sarcasm).    I stripped out of my clothes.   Yeah, yeah yeah.....I weigh myself in my birthday suit, what of it?  I stepped on the scales.  I was 223.4 last week.  I was really expecting the scales to say at least 226.  I closed my eyes while the scales regulated.  I took a deep breath, opened my eyes and looked down.   What???   223.1!   It's a loss!   Don't even try to tell me that point three is NOT a huge loss.  It's  monumental!!!    I made it through a holiday and showed a loss!

This morning Todd and I bundled up and went for a walk on the C&O canal.  It was a chilly walk, but actually warmer than yesterday.  Lovely scenery!   Of course I had to take a picture at the end.....I still apparently have a cone head that I'm covering with my hat...but at least my hat isn't on backwards!







 Todd kept photo bombing me....can you see the 'happiness' on my face????


I'm working on my eating and I've been on target.  UP next....the weekend challenge!

Turkey Trotting

Foodapalooza day has come and is pretty much gone.  Eating is over for me at least.  Did I come out on top?  Probably not.  But I'm not gonna kill myself over it.  I moved ....and I ate mostly fruits and veggies (ok ok ok, so what of it, potatoes are still a vegetable and I ate mashed potatoes with my corn, peas etc etc etc ......and I can't help it that my sister in law made the most to die for bread.....POTATO ROLLS....see vegetable!   I....well......ok ok ok...I ate Two...don't be hating!)   It's over and it's time to move on.  I've got this.

My day started early.  The alarm was set for 6AM, but I was awake at 5AM (not by choice, wonder why I woke up wide awake.....boo!).  I laid in bed and did a slow easy wake up before the alarm went off.  When that alarm sounded I bounded out of bed ready to roll.  I had packed my stuff the night before so I just had to get dressed in my running duds that I had laid out the night before (layers of them because in case I forget to mention it....it was COLD outside).  By 6:30 I was dressed, breakfasted and the car was warming!  

                                                                                First on the agenda was to pick up my friend Paula who was going to be running this race with me.  Second up, HCC our local college that was hosting this event.  Once chipped we sat around and watched the little kiddie races and waited for our turn to run.  We had some laughs while we made fun of people we know and don't like and giggles while we waited to run.  Paula is always fun to hang around.  And no...I'm not happy with my picture..but it shows that we were just being silly.  Don't I look demented with my eyeballs ready to pop out of my head????





Anywho.....soon the waiting was over and we were heading out into the cold to run ourselves silly. (oh wait...maybe we were trying to run the silliness out of ourselves!)  Have I mentioned it was a bit nippy out there????????   We geared up with hats, and pulled on our gloves and I was thankful for my two sweatshirts and long sleeve tee.  I was even more thankful for the cuddle duds under my pants.....however, my toes were cold!   Man, I need to really get this weight off....pictures don't lie (although I was wearing about 4 layers on top!)!

The gun went off and we took off like two girls chasing a cute guy.  Ok, maybe we walked slowly in the crowd to the starting sensor/start line.  (turns out it took us a minute to get to the start line...not too long)  We hit the sensors and we were off.  Crowds parted for our beauty as we ran gracefully down the road.  OK, so that isn't quite the truth.  But we did weave in and out of the crowd, trying to find a spot in the runners to claim as our own.  We settled in to run.  It was cold.  Have I mentioned that???   I have not run in a while and I was wondering how I was going to do.  Almost immediately my heart rate skyrocketed.  GRRRRRR   I slowed my pace down and pushed myself on.  My heart rate slowed down but throughout the race it continued to skyrocket sporadically causing me to ~gasp~  slow down .     I made it through mile one with no walking.  I took a short walking break right at the first mile marker.   I ran a bit and then started running again.  I'd like to say that I ran the whole second and third miles after my walk break, but that was not to be.  I did the rest of the run in intervals.  Walk a bit and then run a bit.  There was no set interval...I just ran as long as I could and then I walked.  And I pumped my arms and tried to do a speed walk thing.

I started noticing someone else that was doing intervals.  Her face was beaded with sweat, she was wearing black, had a ponytail and she had pink headphones (yeah, that's what I remember!  I'm very observant...NOT)  and she was working it.  We would run and we would pass her as she walked.  Then we would walk and she would pass us.  Seriously???   I just wanted to cross the finish line before this girl!  Right at about the 2.5 mile Paula was running ahead of me and I had pulled up even with my leapfrog girl.   Paula turned around and ran backwards and was yelling "Get Angy and RUN girl!"  I looked at her and said...there are two girls back here!  I told the girl that we'd been leapfrogging her the whole race. She laughed and we ran on together.  At this point I knew that I was holding Paula back. She had never finished a race in under 40 minutes and I knew that if she held back with me that she may not make it.  So I yelled up to her and told her to run like the wind and set her PR.  She waited no longer (although I kept her in my sights the whole time...and occasionally hurled motivational insults comments up toward her!)  I was determined to finish strong.  And then I got utterly lightheaded and poopy-doop, I had to slow down to a walk.  I had to walk as I approached the ARCC (Athletic Recreation Community Center....at the local college where this event was held...the finish line snaked into the ARCC and finished inside....NICE perk on a cold day).  For a few short seconds I was literally afraid that I would pass out.  I had no choice but to say farewell to my pink ear bud, pony tailed gal in black.   I walked for about 30 seconds until the majority of the lighheadedness passed and then took off again.   I entered the ARCC and finished strong on a run (praying that I wouldn't pass out).    Paula was at the end of the chute (she finished a minute before me) and my ponytailed girl was right there.  I've already mentioned my superior observation skills so I don't have her bib number....all I know is that she finished after Paula but before me. (So looking at the finishers I know she's one of about 4 people...and that she is between 36 and 49...yeah, I'm that good!)  I did stop and congratulate her and tell her I'd see her next year!

Not sure what was up with that dizzy spell.  It passed very soon after I stopped running...so that's good.  I felt full of energy and vigor the rest of the day...so maybe I just needed fuel or something.  Who knows....who cares!  It was an abberation.  If it happens again, then I will be concerned!

I went over and got some water and I picked up a snack and then Paula and I waited for our official times.    I finished in 38:55, Paula was about 40 seconds faster than me.   I'm actually pretty good with my time.  It wasn't an easy run by any means.  I sadly walked more than I would have wanted.  The good excellent fabulous news is this....my previous personal record was 38:20.,....uhmmmmmm a bad run without any recent serious running and I only lost 35 seconds!  SOLD!  I'll take it!

                                                                             Of course we are totally psyched up on our runners high after it was all over and you can see the happiness in our eyes, in our huge grins and just oozing from our pores!!!!

                                                                                         Sooooo, I'm putting this at the end...and it's in no way least important. But I have made a commitment that was put out online  to running a 'virtual' 5k on Thanksgiving, a virtual 5K on Christmas Day and a virtual 5k on New Years.  The Thanksgiving one was easy peasy as I was already registered to run the Turkey Trot.   One down....two to go!  :-)  SO here is my great picture with my Turkey Trot bib...and my virtual bib!    Ohhh and lets not forget my hat that was covering my cone head (ha ha ha...well doesn't it look like it???)...and that I was wearing backwards apparently, with the seam down my forehead.  Yes, I was completely sober when I got dressed, I promise!! 

These races are so darn addictive.  I want to do another!!!!   Todd feels the vibe and energy and once again has made the comment that he wants to run a race with me.  (He said it after the Donut Alley Rally, the first race that he attended in support of me).  He knows what he has to do.  I downloaded the Couch to 5k app on his phone.  I can't do anything more than that......the rest is up to him. 

Foodapalooza is upon us!

My food intake the last week or so has been predominantly on track.  I have tracked it all and I'm doing what needs to be done.  Are the scales reflecting it????  NO.    Does that mean I'm going to give up?  Heck no!  This will all fall into place and the weight WILL start to fall off.

I'm heading into tomorrows foodapalooza on shaky ground.  I'm determined to navigate this holiday without gaining tons.  I'm actually a bit nervous about it.  I feel as if I'm a newbie at this weight loss thing, just starting to forge a path through the wilderness, lost and confused.  I have to keep reminding myself that this is NOT true.  I've been here before.  I've navigated my way through holidays in the past.  I've managed to LOSE WEIGHT through holiday meals and cookie baking days and all of that.  I can do this.  I KNOW how to do it.  So that nervous scared feeling that pervades my thought processes is erroneous and I have to remind myself of that continually.  And I have to remember that it is simple things like 'less food on my plate', 'heavier on the veggies' ,  'limit the desserts'.  The biggest thing to remember is that there is NO FOOD that will be on that table that I can not eat the next day, or the next week or the next month.  Nothing is taboo.  Next week if I want more stuffing, I can make it.  Next week if I'm still craving whatever I feel like I didn't eat enough of, I can make it and eat it then.  There is no need to stuff myself silly on Thanksgiving day!   

I'm hanging on.  I'm working it.  I will find success!

Weather permitting I'll be out running my Turkey Trot tomorrow.  Not sure how I'm going to do with it....but I'm going to do it!  :-)

Happy Thanksgiving day!!!!!!

Spinning wheels

My eating is not spot on...but it's not spot off.  What in the world am I talking about??  Well, I have a caloric goal each day.  I'm not 'quite' reaching that 1200-1300 goal.  I'm getting perilously close (as in I've been about 1400 calories most days this week).  This is a positive.  I'm keeping track...that's the most important part right now! (well, except for today (sunday)

The big news?  I managed to hold onto my weight during the two days of vacation.  I weighed the exact same thing .....exact!  That is absolutely awesome!  I drank my water on Wednesday but failed on Thursday.  So that was my goal for Friday onward.  Stick with my preplanned eating plan and DRINK WATER!  Friday I was excellent  Saturday I didn't do to badly.  Sunday...well I didn't do the greatest.  But I'm not going to let it derail me.   I've got this!

As for my foot.  As for my exercise.  As for .....well I'm going to try to get out for a run either Monday or Tuesday.  I'm set to run the Turkey Trot in our area on Thanksgiving....and well....I'm just going to roll with running as I can. The trick is that I have to have a backup exercise plan IN PLACE so that the weather (we are heading into snowy weather season) and or foot pain does not derail me!
 I am seriously planning on getting a spin bike/exercise bike or whatnot for that resason. (my recumbant bike is just not working correctly) The trainer is still an option, but after talking to my brother I'm leaning away from it.  First of all, his words were "you get what you put into it"  so buying a cheaper (100 buck option) is just that, a cheaper version and you get what you pay for...cheap.  I could go with a higher costing option that would be better but then I'm putting more money into it.    Bottom line, with the trainer you are putting wear on your bike.  Namely the back tire.....as in you'll be replacing that back tire quite a bit more often.    So my thoughts on the trainer....handy because its space efficiency.  In the long run, if I use it a lot, it's gonna be more costly and probably going to cost me just as much to get a decent bike. 

Soooo..onward I go.  I'm determined to lose weight this week...but it's gonna be rough after today and with the holiday!!  

Good times

Well, calorically wise, I didn't have a stellar day.  HOWEVER, I have tracked my food.   I've been falling down on the days when Todd and I are both off of work.  We had off on Wednesday and Thursday (today).  I'm proud to say that I made it through Wednesday with flying colors.  Yesterday we stayed local and did some errands and worked around the house.  Today we took a day off to go away and just get away from it all.  We've had lots of days off recently but we've worked around the house (mainly the yard) for EVERY day off together since the end of August.  So today was a special/good day.

What did we do???   We got in the car and drove.  We headed south.  We hit some antique stores and just rambled around all day.  We had a nice lunch at an old Mill in Front Royal, VA.  I had a tex mex chicken sandwich (Nice and hot and spicy) and applesauce.  We did go into a coffee shop midway through the day and I drank an Italian Soda and had a cinnamon roll.  I put my food into my tracker and I had a plan for my evening meal.  I knew we would be going through Charlestown, WV on the way home and I thought a Salad from the Mountain View Diner sounded delicious!  We pulled into their lot at about 5:45 and saw the sign .....closed for renovations.  Uhhh really???   So we went to plan two....the Blue Moon Cafe in Shepherdstown.   We got there and it was packed.  No parking anywhere.  Something must have been happening at the college because there wasn't parking anywhere!  So the last and final option .....chinese.   Oh well....

So i was talking to Todd at lunch today about this running thing and my desire to pick up an exercise bike..something that I could really workout on.  He is ok with the switch but mentioned getting a trainer for my bike.  Hmmmmmm  That idea may have merit.  On the way home, we stopped into a Dicks Sporting Goods store just to get an idea of what they have...to start my shopping and information getting mission.  They had one set up with a bike and the sales guy invited me to 'ride' a bit.  It was solid as a rock.  It was a bit 'loud' but he said it was mainly because they had it set up with a mountain bike (smooth tires would be more quiet).     The one in the picture (the one at Dick's) is $100.  Hmmm

I would be using one of my bikes on this when indoors......food for thought and I will be talking to my brother very very soon about this option.

Determination

I'm heading into day three of my latest quest to get myself back on track.   I've been waffling for the last few weeks.  Start over, start strong and then fail miserably a few days in.  It's a vicious cycle.  I fail for a multitude of reasons.  They are valid reasons, but I still fail.   This time I'm going to claw my way through this phase and get to the other side!

Day three.....This is where it's going to be made or broke.  Why do I say that?   Well, typically I fail about this point (at least in the last few weeks).  But today is a day off of work. (today and tomorrow actually).   Why is this significant?   Well, when we are off work I tend to stray from my tried and true eating methods.....I tend to not eat as many fruits and veggies and just in general eat more calories.  Ohhh and while I'm active doing things, I'm just not as 'active' with exercise. 

Not today.  I've got my day planned out.  I know what I'm eating.  I have it all put into myfitnesspal.  Now I just need to stick to it.   I can do this!

I was talking to my friend last night and I have decided to re-institute my weekly weigh in emails for accountability.   That is part of why Weight Watchers works so well, the weekly accountability is so important.  I can't afford Weight Watchers right now, and I'm absolutely certain that I can do it on my own anyway, so thus not sure I would join even if I could afford it.   So I'm going to pick back up on weekly emails. Donna and Julie.......watch out, you may be getting that email along with Sherry...and I'll be asking for your weight accountability check in in return!

I have always been motivated.....I just have to screw up my determination to see my dreams through!

As for my exercise.  I'm doing the best I can.   Trying not to stress about the foot.  I've tried the rest stuff this summer....and it just came right back.  The crazy part is that my foot didn't start hurting whilst running or exercise.  Simple innocuous act, literally I was sitting Indian Style on the ground and rolled to the left...the top of my foot rolled across the ground and put pressure on the tarsal nerve....that started the downward spiral. Right now the foot feels pretty good.  I taped it the other day (gotta love the PRO KT tape as it lasts a few days...even through showers) and that extra support has eased up the pain, even through two zumba classes.  That's a good sign...that the extra support is what it takes! 

I think I'm going to start looking on Craigslist and Freecycle for a nice exercise bike.  Something heavy enough that I could really push it......a spin bike.  Am I looking for a savior to swoop in and make my problems go away.  NO......I just am seriously looking for something that I can do at home without too much fuss and even during the horrible dark and cold winter months!!   I have a recumbent exercise bike...one that needs some work but more importantly, I don't think I'm pushing as much on the recumbent....just thinking!

No matter what I decide about the exercise I WILL come out on top.  I CAN DO THIS!!!

Quesadilla Madness

A month or so ago I was contacted and asked if I would like to review a new product that is out there.  It was a new product by Old El Paso.  I jumped at this as Todd and I both like tex-mex food.   I signed up and then promptly forgot about it.  A week or so later I was pleasantly surprised to get a package in the mail!  YIPPEE

I was given a free coupon for an Old El Paso frozen meal.  On my next grocery trip I was excited to check out the products and use my coupon.  However, the store didn't have any Old El Paso frozen products.  I looked at another store.  Nothing.  It became a bit of a challenge.  Every time I went into a store I looked at the frozen aisle looking for this product.  FINALLY, I hit pay dirt! 



I chose the Chicken Quesadillas.  It sounded good to both Todd and I.  I took them home and waited until the perfect opportunity to eat them.  I figured that this would be a good meal for Todd to prepare.  On nights when I have zumba and he is home, I either have  casserole prepared or I will have something like a frozen pizza ready for dinner so that he can pop it in the oven at the right time.





The day to try the chicken quesadillas arrived and I looked at the box.  620 calories for two quesadillas.  I wasn't too concerned as that was only  a few calories over what I usually allot for dinner. I will admit that I had a fleeting thought that those quesadillas could be miniature in size so that two wouldn't fill up an ants stomach. Luckily that was not the case.  The quesadillas were actually a very decent size!

I looked at the directions and I had my first shock. The box was clearly marked "dinner for two". I had been expecting directions such as 'bake for 20 minutes...."   Surprise!!!!!   Microwave instructions were the ONLY instructions, in fact the box clearly said do not use an oven or toaster oven.  Hmmmmm.   Even bigger surprise?  Microwave ONE at a time.  Uhhhh, there are two of us.....four quesadillas.

I opened the box. Each quesadilla was individually wrapped.  I popped open the wrapping and threw the first one on a plate, covered it with a paper towel and threw it in the microwave.   After I had two cooked we sat down to eat while I put the third quesdilla in the microwave.   (I had to interrupt my dinner to pull the third and fourth quesadillas out of the microwave).   I was not happy with the cooking options.....serving two people at the same time, with pipping hot food is difficult when you can only microwave one at a time.

We sat down to eat.  I pulled out some sour cream and taco sauce.  We took a sample bite.  Todd pulled his normal jokster "ewwww" but then quickly dove in for another bite, and then another.   His words were that "this is definitely a keeper".    The chicken didn't have a frozen processed food taste and I was pleasantly surprised that they actually had pieces of onion and pepper that had handled the freezing process quite well.  They had a touch of spice to them.  I personally thought that they tasted better with a splash of taco sauce (or saslsa) and some sour cream....otherwise they seemed a tad dry.  But seriously? Who doesn't put that stuff on anyway.  ha ha ha

Overall, we REALLY liked the taste.  It was flavorful and quite tasty!

Will I buy these again?  Probably.  I won't be using them as a 'together meal' for Todd and I.... (simply basing that upon the awkwardness of preparation!)  .but it would make a GREAT 'alone' meal for either Todd or I......  One of those days when we are eating on our own.  I would venture to say that I would probably be satisfied with one of the quesadillas...(just not after a nice intense workout like tonight!)  which would take the calorie count down to 310......quite doable!

(And yes, that's a full sized plate...not a dessert plate)

Some deep pondering

How?  How can I want something so bad and well......

This is a dismal post, so be forewarned.

I stepped on the scales this morning.  Dismal.  I almost broke into tears.  My weight is up.  It could be water retention from the monthly ick.  Or, it could be the McDonalds breakfast that I had yesterday morning.   It could be water retention from the fact that I've drank almost no water.  It could be partly because I had already had breakfast before I weighed myself.  It could be the raspberry cobbler I ate last night for dinner. Or the cookie dough that I snitched at my mom's house on Saturday.  Lots of reasons.

My foot has been bothering me of late.  It could be the fact that I moved furniture and cleaned on Saturday and Sunday......barefoot.  It could just be nature and the way it's going to be from now on.  Or it could be the impact that I'm putting onto my feet.  (however, it's the tarsal nerve that is bothering me most.....the heel is just sporadic).   Whatever the cause....DISMAL.

I love the runners high I feel after I get back from a run.  I LOVE the way running makes me feel.  But is it worth it if I"m going to continue to feel pain in this foot?  Ok, being honest....I didn't run this weekend and my foot is bothering me more than had I gone running...so maybe I'm just looking for a scape goat.  Who knows.  I do know this.......I am going to run my Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving day.  After that I am going to reevaluate.  I may HAVE to go more toward a bike or something with less impact.  I may have to decide that 3-5 miles is my limit...and maybe at the most 3 times a week.   I know I don't want to be in pain and I don't like this foot pain!

That said, I wrapped my foot .....both for the dorsum pain (which is where my tarsal nerve bothers me) and for the plantars fasciitis.  I was worried.  My foot twinged a bit....but I'm glad I went..I needed the stress relief!!!!!  

Ahhhh

Eating went well yesterday.  I didn't cave and indulge in the myriad of snacks that are always laying around my work. That victory is even sweeter because my coworkers were indulging around me!   I ate more for dinner but then dropped my planned ice cream snack.  All was good.

I've already got today's food planned out.  Just need to stick with the plan!!!  I've got this!!!   No more sitting at the same weight!  No more wasting time!!!  

My run went well yesterday.   My legs hurt and my mind screamed at me to stop, but I kept going and had a nice fast (for me) run with and average mile pace of 12:47. Awesome!!  It was stinking cold though...  32 degrees with a windchill of 20.  Brrrrrrr.     Oh well...it's only the first few steps....the first tenth of a mile that's truly horrible in terms of being cold.   After I get running I'm comfortable!     I don't have 'cold weather' running clothes either...it's a layer game.  It works...and I'm planning on dropping weight and needing new clothes soon....I'm not wasting my money...layers work just fine.  When I get to my goal weight, I will revisit the possibility of investing money in winter running /exercise gear.

Zumba was fun, as usual.  I was a bit sore, tired and achy all day (after my run).  I was concerned about completing Zumba...but once there and started, I was fine and was able to kick it!   

Tonight is marked a Zumba night, however I'm going to ride the exercise bike today instead.  My foot was bothering me a bit yesterday.....so I'm going to give it a rest from high impact activities......and I have a run scheduled tomorrow.  :-).   (No worries, my health is more important than my workout schedule...if the foot be ones an issue, I will rework the whole blasted schedule to remove running and admit temporary defeat on the running front as I move to lower impact activities!)

Eh

My eating yesterday was 'eh'. I tracked ever bite, so that's good.  However I was over budget in what I ate.  I was doing ok, had my eating totally planned out fur the day.....and then 4pm rolled around and I got a case of 'the hungries'! I caved and had a bit of a snack.   I didn't immediately run to the kitchen to eat.  I tried to hold off for a bit...made myself busy to see how I would feel a bit later.  So....I ate some of my hard earned exercise calories!  Could be worse, I could have not earned those calories!!!

Today I am scheduled for a morning run and an evening Zumba.   I'm up and determined to not deviate!   The schedule has said to run.  :-). Today is a simple two miler.   I'll probably run the north loop at the battlefield which is about 2.3 miles.   My training schedule that I set up this month is keeping me at about 2-3 miles....not pushing any longer runs this month.  I'm just focusing on the Turkey Trot that I'll be running on thanksgiving day.   Shhhhh, dont tell anyone but I want to set a PR!!   I don't have any goal other than it be faster than my previous best time (which was 38:20). I'm currently running a consistent 13 minute pace. (Which is what I was running when I ran my 38:20)   I know that the race excitement will propel me a bit faster.  Either way, I will beat my time from last years turkey trot!!!

So, off to run I go!!!!

Because it says to do it

So far so good.   I made my workout schedule the other day.   I made it on Thursday or Friday and typical of me, I didn't really kick in any working out until Sunday.  Yeah yeah yeah, I wanted to build up to it...that's the way I roll.  My workout schedule/calendar was put on the refrigerator and I was ready to go...I just had to wait until the first day.

Saturday  night rolled around and as I was heading to bed I looked at Todd and said "I have a run scheduled for tomorrow morning.  I will be waking up early, completing my run and then I will come home and help you do all the stuff that you want to do in the yard."   He had no problems with my plan so I was set. The schedule spoke and that was the way it was going to be.

Sunday morning I woke up and because the 'schedule said it was so' there was no question about what I was doing.   I ran.  Plain and simple.   Now, I have to admit that I was scheduled to run three miles and I miscalculated and only ran 2.7 miles.  Oops.   I'm still happy with myself though!

On the schedule today is zumba.  


The crazy thing?   I've been floundering lately with my eating.  Not really 'bad' eating, but definitely not healthy eating.   Basically 'maintain my weight' eating.   Yesterday I went running.  I did some yard work and house work and hit the shower at about 10 or 11AM.  I was in the shower and ll of a sudden it hit me.  I was filled with a sense of excitement about this journey again.  For the last few months I have been just trudging along on this journey.  I've wanted the end result and I've never lost the desire....but it was a pure chore.   All of a sudden yesterday I was excited about this journey!   I'm not making promises about the future but I'm just saying that right now I am filled with a sense of excitement about this journey!

I have two months (minus 11 days) until the new year.  I am holding steady at right around 220 pounds.  My challenge is to be at 200 by the new year.    I am really trying to not think about the 4 months that I just wasted.  Yes, I wasted them.  I exercised halfway regularly (just not as much running) through that time yet I ate less than stellar and I have pretty much maintained.  What a waste of time.......I could have been at my goal weight if I had trucked on and lost 10 pounds a month.  I could have been at least CLOSE!

Oh well.......looking toward the future and NOT the past!