Word of the Week

​How is it already Wednesday and I haven’t posted my word of the week yet!  I’m such a slacker!!!   It just seems as if every moment of my day is sucked up with activity.   By the time I do sit down to relax in the evening I am just plain and simple tired!   But here I am now, so let’s catch up!

Word of the Week

My word of the week for this week is consistent.     Consistent just seemed really appropriate for me this week.  My January report actually kinda surprised me, I wasn’t expecting it to be as good as it was, but it showed me that my efforts were making a difference!  Because of that, I knew that I couldn’t let up!  I needed to stay the course that I am on.  I had to stay consistent!   

I am happy to say that this far this week I have been consistent!

Accountability

I have long resisted the idea of actually posting my food on a public forum such as this site or on my YouTube channel.  I know a lot of people do, but it just seemed as if I was opening myself up to ridicule as people decided to make comments about what I’m eating because of course my eating plan is MY plan and may not fit in with what someone else thinks is a good plan. So while I have toyed with it quite a few times over the years, I have never actually done it.   I also lacked the discipline (and memory) to actually film/photograph my food for each meal!  Hahaha. So I never did it.  That is, I have never really done it until last week.   No no no, you didn’t miss anything on here.  I decided to try something on my YouTube channel and I started posting what I eat in a day videos. Yeah, not really sure what possessed me!  Must have been a moment of insanity!

But I’ve done a few now.  And it hasn’t been too bad.   Sure I got a comment from someone to eat more veggies (I have always been a bit heavier on fruit versus veggies, so no surprise there).    I have forgotten to film one meal.  But since I’m a creature of habit it was luckily just a bowl of cheerios that of forgot to film.  So I’ve done it for about a week. And it’s been….well enlightening.

For one, the accountability multiplied tenfold for sure! And secondly, I realized how much of a rut I really am in, and it did make me sit back to try to think of different options for lunch.  (Although if it’s working for me, why change it?)

I don’t know how long I will do it.  Posting a video everyday is a commitment. It takes time to not only film (I am throwing in other things from life into those ‘what I eat in a day videos…and some videos are two days lumped into one), but it takes time to edit the footage.  It takes time to get everything ready to post and it even takes time to post.  But for now, it’s working as I’m working to set up some kind of routine to allow it to happen within my normal daily schedule.  (And in that schedule I am looking at adding a regular time to write here because I am always THINKING about writing a post but time gets in the way.

You can check out my what I eat in a day videos here.  

The Homestead

It’s no secret that when Jason and I bought our place that we bought it with grand visions of the property.  We don’t have a lot of land, but you can do a lot on a one and a half acres.  Fruit trees, a strawberry patch, garden, chickens, etc etc etc.   However, shortly after moving in life went upside down and well….I started to struggle emotionally.  And if you have ever suffered from any level of depression you will know that it is a monumental task to even do simple things like cleaning and cooking.   The yard progressed a bit..and we did plant a few things, but nothing major.

I decided that it was time to change that.   So I’ve been trying to spend a little time outside each weekend doing SOMETHING to better our ‘homestead’.   It’s winter so there isn’t a whole lot to do.  But we have a big brush pile to burn!  So we had a fire one weekend.  And my nut trees needed pruned…so I pruned one weekend.   We still have brush piles and stuff to clean.   That’s a good winter chore!  (Can you get poison ivy in the winter?).   I am looking at getting strawberries, grapes and blueberry bushes this year.  I want the fruit trees, but I need to watch the finances and don’t want to bite off more than I can chew in terms of time commitments!

I’m pretty excited about the homestead work!

We remain busy with life and all of our commitments, but I’ve been doing much better emotionally.   And of course, Zoey the Newfoundland is as cute as ever…she got a bath this past weekend!   She wasn’t happy about that!!!

So life is moving nicely..and things are going well!

January Check in and a Weigh in!

 January is in the books and it is time to look at how I did in January and look forward to what I am going to be doing in February.  I have to say, when I was looking at my stats and what I did, I was pleasantly surprised.  I was expecting the worst, but it was actually pretty good!

Exercise 

I nailed my exercise!  Sure there is always room for improvement but I did quite well!  So lets see what I did!

*I was able to complete quite a  few mornings of exercise videos (thank you YouTube). They were each about 30 minutes in length

* I rode my exercise bike 28 of 31 days in January. My mileage for my bike was 117.28 miles. 

* I walked an average of 4500 steps each day (about 1500 steps above my average for December). 

* I was able to complete 188.23 miles toward my 2024 challenge!  I have about 20 extra miles banked for a rainy day!

* I had two personal trainers....but they weren't too interested in my exercise!

Word of the Week

    I utilized my word of the week each week.  Two of the weeks were the same word, but the next three weeks were different.  I opened my day planner and a different word just came to me, so I rolled with it! Each word turned out to be absolutely perfect for what I was going through, feeling and experiencing!

   Here are my words of the week!

    *Week one - Control

    *Week Two - Control

    *Week Three - Fortitude

    * Week Four - Just Do it

    * Week 5 - Drive

Healthy Habits

I did fabulous on my tracking!  I tracked each day.  I pulled my information into my day planner.  I was amazing with tracking.  What I wasn't amazing with was water consumption!  I averaged about 50 (being generous here) ounces a day.   I was very cognizant of my water, it just didn't segue from something I kew I had to do, into a habit!  My calories were in line for most days!   That is exactly what I want, most days.  I am not seeking perfection.  I am looking for sustainability! 

Weigh In

I was so happy to see that my weight was down by 6 pounds!   I'll take it!  It's been fluctuating greatly for most of the month and only this week really seemed to settle!    Sure, I would like it to be more, but 6 pounds is respectable! I had to sit back and think about how much 6 pounds equals for a full year.  That is 72 pounds for a year!  That wee little 6 pounds that I was boo-hooing about?   That adds up to an impressive number!!!  6 pounds?  I'll take it gladly!

Plans for February

So what am I planning for February?
**Track my food!

**DRINK WATER

**Continue the Word of the Week

**Eat Slow  (slow is a no for acid reflux!)

**Continue to limit my carbs

**Focus on being healthy....and not stress about the number on the scale!

**Catch the rogue mouse that is running wild through our house!   WE have traps, but this little sucker is wiley and is outsmarting us!!!

The month is wide open.  I can make it whatever I want it to be!  I am choosing successful!

 

 

Slow and No

​How has it been four weeks since the beginning of the year!!  The month of January is almost over!  And as is typical, it’s been crazy busy!

I have been really focusing on trying to not sink into despair at things that are going on in my life.  I’m trying to not allow myself to sink into the fog of depression that has hovered over me for the last year or so.  It’s difficult.  But I’m really trying!

I feel that for a lot of my month in terms of health and weight loss that I have been successful.  I  have been working to get in my exercise and my miles for the 2024 challenge.   Most days are a solid victory.  I’m good with that.  I have tracked religiously in MFP and I carry it over to my day ones.  Why do I do that?  I want to have everything and all my stats gathered in one place and easy to see.  So in my day planner I keep track of my food and I notate my calories.  I notate my daily weight.  I keep track of my minutes that I do an exercise video…my exercise bike miles and my steps.   I do keep track of what days I take vitamins and my protonix (for the acid reflux).  And my water.    

I also have been tracking how fast I’m eating my food…and even more importantly how I feel after eating…did I get a bad case of acid reflux, or none at all.   I’ve been finding that without medicine that if I eat slow…like so slow that my food gets cold, that I can mark my meal as SLOW and NO.  Meaning I ate slow and had no ‘reflux’!  I like slow and no!  

I can’t wait to look at my full month of stats  for January…as soon as I have the full month of stats!   And then on to February! 

Right now I’m looking at goals and plans for  February to be mostly the same as January.

  1.  Track food and acid reflux

2.  Continue  to knock out my miles…and bank some extras!

3.  Drink my warer

4.  Focus on being happy and not dwelling on the negative!

Every day and every month is a new opportunity to excel!

And a pic of me while I wait for mom in her hospital room!

Word of the......

 I have always loved the concept of the word of the week.  It seems like such an amazing idea.  Except that I always forget it.  I always get bogged down.  I sometimes think that the word isn't appropriate later in the year.  It just doesn't seem to work for me! Maybe my word should be committed since I obviously have issues with long term commitment!

Except that a few years ago the word WAS committed!  I was so ready and committed!  I even went as far as printing up pictures for the wall.  I was going to do it!  And I failed with the commitment on the year of being committed!

This year I fell into the trap of thinking that it was a great idea again!  I wanted to do it!  I wanted to jump on the bandwagon.  But I knew that it wasn't for me!  So I didn't!  Instead I decided to have a word of the week!  I wasn't sure how well it would work but I was determined to try it!

When I had been briefly contemplating the word of the year I had thought about the word "control"  because it just seemed apropos for me because I so need to get control!  Therefore, when I made my plan to have a word of the week it was easy to decide my word for the first week!  Control!  I put it at the top of my day planner.  

I am in my day planner each day as I am keeping track of my food intake in my dayplanner.  (Yes I use MyFitnessPal, but I put it in my day planner and add things about how I felt afterward...how fast I ate, etc to try to get a handle on the GERD)    I also track my bike miles, exercise, steps, vitamin and pill intake amongst other random things. So it is the perfect place for me to see the word of the week multiple times of the week!   

On week two I started my new week's page in my day planner and I knew that control was still the word that I needed to focus on!  So I colored it in on that week also.

I was perfectly fine with keeping control as my word for another week. Seriously, if my word remained as control for the whole year, I would have no issue!   But when the third week of the year began and I flipped to the new pages on my day planner control was not at all what I was thinking.  The only word that was in my head was fortitude!  Well that was easy.....fortitude was the word of the week!   I got to coloring!  (I apologize for the blurry pic)

Today I started week 4 of the year and as I do every Monday, I turned the page to a new week in my planner ready to start the new week.  I sat there for a few seconds.  Fortitude no longer felt even remotely like it was the correct word for the week.  Control?  Well that didn't feel wrong but it just didn't feel like it fit.  The only thing that kept coming up in my mind was the phrase. "Just Do It"  But it's a word of the week, not a phrase right?   Could I put in Nike as my word because of their slogan. (Is that even still their slogan?)   But no, using Nike as my word of the week was nonsense!   But my mind kept saying "do it...do it....do it!"  So my word of the week is a phrase!

This word of the week thing is working for me.  It is allowing me to focus on what I need at that exact moment!   Yes, I think control may end up being  the 'theme' of the year.  But my word for each week will be whatever fits for my life, emotions and physical being that exact week!

Thank you to everyone that thought about me, prayed for me and asked about my colonoscopy that I wrote about the other day.   Jason and I made it safely to my appointment.  The back roads were horrid, but the interstate was much better (and got better the further north we went as they had less snow....and the drive home was much better as the storm had moved onward).

The test went well.  The doctor said I was as cleaned out as they came...perfect prep.   I also received a good report. An excellent report actually!  What a relief!  I do have a pocket of diverticulosis.  The doctor was not concerned about it at all and said it will most likely never cause me any issues and if it did we would worry about it then.  He did recommend a high fiber diet to keep my colon in good shape and to help keep me from getting diverticulitis. Which goes in line with how I SHOULD and TRY to eat anyway! 

Two Day Fast

​I have been fasting for two days.   It is not in conjunction with weight loss efforts, but I will gladly accept any weight loss.   Even though this fast has been for medical reasons, I have had some thoughts come into my head in relation to food.

Let me start by saying that this period of no food has been in preparation for a colonoscopy.   I have been long overdue for having one.  My  father died of colo-rectal cancer in 2017.  I should have run with all haste to have a colonoscopy when he was diagnosed.  I should have not put it off or at least done it in honor of him when he died.  Yet here I am over 5 years since his death and FINALLY getting one done.  The hesitancy is a combination of a few things.  First, I don’t like to go to the doctor and  secondly I’ve heard the horror stories of the prep for the procedure. But thirdly, I’m afraid of the results. No know…silly to ignore it!  But I’m doing it now…today in fact.

So I have been in prep mode now for a while.   I actually decided to try to make it easier on myself.  On Wednesday I ate really lightly.  My calories were low…I ate minimaly.  I figured the less food in my body the better right???  

So Wednesday dinner was my last meal.   Friday dinner after this test will be my next meal.  That is a 48 hour fast.  Ok, maybe it hasn’t been a total fast.   I drank a can or two of 7-up and I did have about a cup of jello in the 48 hour period.    But seriously, that’s so little we may as well call it a 48 hour fast.  And do you know what?  It hasn’t been bad I never had to dip into the popcicles or Italian Ice that I had in the freezer.

I actually wasn't  worried about the fasting part.  I knew that I would be fine.  My husband seemed more worried about that for me.  But it posed no problem.  However, the thoughts in my head were enlightening!

It actually wasn’t even a challenge to not eat.   I wasn’t gnawing at the kitchen cabinets or anything wanting to eat.  I was content without food.  Didn’t really miss it.  Isn’t that crazy?  Now that’s not saying that I won’t be ready to eat when the procedure is behind me!  But I wasn’t desperate for food at any time during the last few days.  Not on the day of minima/light eating and not yesterday on my liquid diet day.  Interesting…hmmm

The biggest revelation for me though was the thoughts in my head.   The habit to go grab something was strong.  And I was able to realize that it wasn’t hunger but literally a ‘nothing to do so may as well eat’ thought.

The best way to describe this mental thought is to talk about what happened when the power went out.  I was working and the power went out.  It ended up being out for about 2 hours.   I used the time to sit quietly in the living room and read.   Over and over my head told me to ‘go get a few pretzels to eat while you read’. Or ‘some grapes would be great while I’m reading’.  I never felt hunger…it was a boredom thing.  With the enforcement of my fast (or close to a fast) for the colonoscopy prep I couldn’t eat and it cleared my brain to realize that the thoughts/need/desire for food was simply that.  Boredom.

I don’t know what I am/can do with this newfound knowledge.  But hopefully I can remember it whenever that urge to ‘go grab a pretzel’ hits in the future.

Meanwhile, it’s snowing…so we will be leaving for my test a bit early.   Wish me luck! (With the roads and with the results)

Slow Down Already

​This  past week has been insane!   It’s been crazy at work.  Life has been nuts (as always) and…well I’m just plodding on one day at a time!

Work is nuts.  I work in the pharmaceutical field and with patient assistance programs.  The new year means reenrollment season.   Cray-zee!  There have been days where I’ve actually made the remark, ‘I didn’t even have time to get a drink of water’.   I know that eventually things will peak and it will right itself, but right now we are still getting busier and busier.

Yesterday was supposed to be my endoscopy..to see if there is any damage from the unchecked acid reflux.  I got a call on Monday or Tuesday from the doctor’s office.  My insurance decided to deny the prior authorization because I haven’t tried the meds for 8 weeks and subsequently fail them.  I laughed because I’ve been on the meds for over three months and haven’t experienced any difference from my symptoms.  The doctor’s office said they were going to do an appeal/peer to peer review.  On Thursday they let me know that my insurance denied that also as the test not being medically necessary.   So my test on Friday was cancelled. I imagine that the doctor will try again later this year?  I guess.   

My colonoscopy is still on for next Friday.  That is the one I’m dreading.  Not for the procedure, I’m dreading the prep!     And I have a barium swallow at the end of the month that I’m assuming will be a go with my insurance.

It makes me angry though.  I am paying through the nose for the insurance.  I have the top tier/best insurance my company has to offer.   Grrr. Oh well.  It wasn’t meant to be at this time.

I’ve been doing really good with my 2024 miles in 2024.  Today may be the first day I don’t get my necessary miles for the day.  But I will be short by less than a half mile.  I have been over every other day this far…so I’ve been banking miles….not a lot, but I’ve been banking a little extra every other day.   I know that I’m probably not going to get my miles in on my colonoscopy day…so I need those extra miles!  

My weight has been fluctuating within a four pound range.  Literally one day I’ll be at the top end of the range and the next at the bottom only to be back up the next day.  I want to see the numbers dropping, and they aren’t.  So that means I have to make a few adjustments to my eating.   I have to find the magic formula for my body to lose at this time in my life. So adjust I will!

Meanwhile, Zoe had a rough morning this week!  I found her like this.  She wasn’t fighting.  She wasn’t moving a muscle.  I moved from side to side and she would slowly turn her head…in the box to track my voice!   I have a video on my YouTube channel and it makes me laugh  every time I see it!!

18 years and a Thank You

 I had been planning on posting this tomorrow…because in my mind I thought that my blogiversary was on January 6th.  But when I decided to go back to read the first post….well how wrong I was.  My blogiversary is actually on January 5th!

​18 years ago I decided to create a journal of my efforts to lose weight and I decided to do it on an online journal, a blog. The first post was simple.  It didn’t have grand plans.  I didn’t wax eloquent about my goals.  I simply wrote two paragraphs about my desire to get serious.   By that time I had already lost about 50 pounds and I was stalled (ironically enough at the same weight I have been at recently).    I wrote for the first few months; if not years for myself.  I knew that it was a public forum but I had no illusions that anyone would ever read my words.  Imagine my surprise to start getting comments!  I also had no clue that I would meet some fabulous people through this forum, people that I call dear friends.   I had no idea that 18 years later that I would be writing my 2,566th post as a blogiversary post.

Those first posts were sometimes lame (I’ve gone back and read this whole thing a few times so I’m being honest when I say lame and boring) but they are a great view of my triumphs and failures. Through this blog  I have been at highest weights.

And I have been at my lowest.

But this website has been so much more than 2566 posts.

I have written and gained knowledge about weight loss and fitness.  And I wrote about it in posts about Zumba.  I was even featured in the newspaper regarding my love of Zumba.  I was so happy when I made lifetime with weight watchers and I couldn’t wait to share it on here.  I shared my desire and quest to become a runner.  It wasn’t an easy process but I shared it all and I celebrated on here when I set a personal record.

It wasn’t all victory though.  I have tried to remain transparent and honest.  I’ve shared the lows (and oh have there been lows!). However painful and embarrassing, I have religiously shared them!   But through the years, I started to share more of my life.  I realized that simply talking about my struggle to not eat or my victories needed to be seen in a larger context that included aspects from my life.   So I shared my life with things like my experiences with a crumbling marriage and divorce.   I happily shared aspects of my ‘courtship’ with Jason.  I shared my struggles with my mom’s ongoing health and my father’s death. I have written about my elopement to the love of my life, Jason.   And I’ve even shared our pets!  The weight loss story is all encompassing.  Life happens and it affects our weight and our weight loss efforts so years ago I decided to share  it all!  It serves as a record my memories and accounting of this lifelong journey but it is also my accountability!

So to you, anyone that reads this blog/website; I say thank you.   Thank you from the bottom of my heart.   Your presence here was a surprise at first, I had no clue anyone would ever read this.  But I’m grateful that you found me.  You have offered me friendship,  accountability and your wisdom.  And words can’t describe how appreciative I am for each of you. 

I’m heading into year 19 of blogging. It’s insane to think about having being doing this for so long,  but I’m as determined as ever to continue writing.  It’s good for my soul!

Control

 The last couple days one word has been coming up time and time again for me as I work on getting my weight loss journey moving again. At first I ignored it...but after a bunch of times of this word popping up, I decided it was time to sit back and listen. Right?

What is this word?  The word is control.

The first time the word came up was while I was watching a YouTube video that was posted by a gal that is working to lose weight. In her video she was talking about how she was in control and how it felt good.  It made me sit back and think about when I last felt in control of my eating.  It was a while and I well remember how amazing I felt.  It was so empowering!   I smiled at the memory and thought about getting that feeling back.   I thought about it enough that I filmed a clip for my YouTube channel about the word control!   In that clip I talked about control and that empowering feeling. In that same clip I also talked about how I had succumbed to stress eating.

Weirdly enough, I had a comment before I even posted my clip about how my word of the year should be control.  Hmmmm

And then this morning. I stepped on the scale and saw that my weight was up.  I was frustrated as I stood in the shower.  It is hard, seeing a gain makes me want to give up.  But I stopped and told myself. NO!  Get control of yourself.  (Yes, I said it out loud too!).   I thought about that clip I had filmed, and I realized that even the stress eating was me LOSING control.  Crazy!    Immediately I was stuck on the word control, and I knew that I HAD to make control my word of the..........

Nope, I've done a word of the year before.  I jumped on the bandwagon a few times over the years.  Most recently in 2020, my word of the year was Committed.  I remembered the word for a few days...but I always forget it. It becomes a thing of the past. So, it really does no good for me!   But, while I was in the shower this morning I thought that maybe, just maybe I could do a word of the week.  It could change and adjust to where I was in my life journey/weight loss journey/etc.   I decided that my word of the week would be written on the top page of each week in my dayplanner/journal.   I could reuse words.  Maybe control would be the word the whole year through. But maybe control would only be my focus for a week....or a month...or a half of year.   

So that is what I did....I have added the word in bold red and I'm ready to live that word this week!

New Year New Behavior

​This is the year of change.  It’s the year of changing my behavior.  It’s the year of changing the trajectory of my life.  It’s the year to take care of my health.  It’s the year to take control of my health.  It my year.

Fixing the depressive cloud is paramount on my list of changes for 2024.  I’m not exactly sure how to fix this.  Emotions are a funny thing.  But I’m vowing to be as present and active as possible in whatever changes are necessary to bringing back happiness into my life.

I am now 51 years old.  I worry more and more each year (each day) about my health.  I’ve been overweight for most of my life.   I’ve been lucky most of my adult life with good health. I’m lucky, because I’m considered morbidly obese.   In the last year I have seen and heard about people in their fifties dying..heart attacks, cancer and all other sorts of illnesses!  Did you catch those two points…these people are in their fifties…and I am in my fifties!   Humbling!

I can’t change genetics.  I can’t change some things. I mean, my father died from cancer which puts me at a higher risk.   I can’t change that.  But I can take the proper precautions…and this year I am finally getting my colonoscopy.  (It’s scheduled).  I’m determined actually take care of my health, and for that means being more diligent about preventative tests and doctors appointments versus my previous attitude of ‘I’ll get to it tomorrow, next week or even next year’

 What I can change is my weight and my fitness levels.  This is a new year and I’m determined to make and maintain the changes necessary for a lifelong change.  It will theoretically help the GERD.  It will theoretically help the pain in my knees and feet (it did the last time I lost weight).  And it will enable me to live my life more fully!

I’ve been doing this weight loss thing a long time (kind of embarrassing really) so I know what needs to be done.  

-exercise/movement

-water consumption

-keep calorie intake in line

-track my food and efforts

Seems simplistic, but it’s quite difficult.

I joined a 2024 miles in 2024. I have done these on a few previous years.  It requires me to propel myself about 6 miles a day.   I’m a planner so I’m already thinking about banking some extra miles for ‘those days’.  Those days are the ones where I may be sick, or injured,  or just not feeling it!   It is for those days that I am already scheduled for tests.  (Endoscopy, colonoscopy, and barium swallow and my routines will be totally disrupted).   So on New Year’s Day I was on the exercise bike at 6am!   

I’m slowing making the changes so that I can see a change in my life!  It isn’t going to be a fast change…but change is coming!

The Close of a Year and the start of a new one

​I for one am ready to say good riddance to 2023.  It’s been a crazy year….and full of stress and angst.  I can honestly say that the year has flown by though!  For this post, I’m not going to focus on the bad, the depression, the hardships and stress.  This is all about the positive, the good and the hopes for the future!

2023 in a nutshell

We started the year with Jason still healing from his run in with the axe.  I enjoyed having him in the house while I worked.  It was nice to have someone to chit chat with on my breaks/lunches.   It was also fantastic to have him home after work versus having to wait 2.5 hours after I get off work for him to get home.    However, when he went back to work it was a sigh of relief to have the return of his income after 6 months of being off work!

In January we got a dog.   Jason had told me from the very beginning of our relationship that he wanted to someday get another Newfoundland. 2023 was the year.  She was so cute and was 30 pounds when we got her!

She takes a LOT of time…lots of walks outside and lots of play time.  And she grew….she is now about 100 pounds and still growing.

We were able to get in some hiking, but not too much due to Jason’s injury and having a young dog.  (Recommendation is to not exercise Newfies too long or too hard in the first year of their life due to growth plates and joint development).    But we still got in some hiking.

We powered through the summer with push mowing our property again and we planted a small garden (bigger one coming in 2024).  And we finally got our barn painted!

It wasn’t a year full of crazy fun things…but we were busy!

Looking into 2024

I am looking forward to 2024.  I have not totally adopted the ‘I’ll start in 2024’ mentality.   I have started to watch my eating and been working to get back into the habit of tracking my food.  I have not recommenced with any exercise plan.  I was set to start and hurt my foot.  I limped around for a good week or so.  It still gives me twinges of pain but it is much better and if I watch what I do (low impact) I should be ok to start soon!

I have a slew of medical tests set for January.   I’m nervous about the results.  But am heading into them confident that all will work out.  One step toward taking care of me!

I’m not setting any fabulous goals and resolutions for 2024.  But I do have some plans and dreams for 2024.   Of course…get healthy is the biggest plan for the year.   I know what I would LIKE to lose in 2024. I know where I would like to be at the end of the year.  But I am not setting goals to be there.  I’m just saying that I am going to work to make 2024 my year to move toward those goals!  

So yes, exercise, tracking my food, exercise,  drinking my water…all of those healthy habits will be on the agenda for 2024.

The ONLY serious goal that I am setting for myself is to complete the goal of propelling myself 2024 miles in the year 2024.  I have done this in previous years and it really pushes me!  I don’t like to fall behind in my mileage!  One year I was done with my miles by September!  I have also challenged Jason to a mileage challenge.   We haven’t pounded out the reward yet…but a good friendly competition is always motivating for me.   (Hopefully he steps up to my challenge).     The goal of 2024 miles (bike, walk, run, swim, row…any miles count) is a good one for me…it keeps me focused and active!

I don’t know what 2024 will bring.  I don’t expect the depressive cloud to disappear overnight. But I am determined to focus on making me the healthiest and happiest version possible in 2024!

Why wait

​I don’t even know what to say.   I feel like a broken record when I talk about how difficult life has been lately.   I want to write cheery posts.  I want to write about fabulous stuff, yet it seems as if we are in a period of our lives where things are just…..difficult.  We just keep getting bombarded with more drama and trauma.  We are surviving it together, hand in hand. But my word, it’s stressful.

Some of what is going on is not my stories to tell so I won’t go into it here. What I will talk about is where I am at with some of the things that are my personal stuff…which I’m an open book so I will share.

My Health

A few months ago I wrote about how I ended up in the ER and was diagnosed with GERD.  I wrote about how due to poor/incorrect advice from my then family doctor that it had been unchecked and not managed for quite a few years.  I read up on it, found a new family doctor and I’ve been trying to manage it on my own for a while.  The medicine really doesn’t seem to help but I’ve been pretty good about tracking my food in my daily planner and actually tracking my symptom after I eat.   For example, I can do my cheerios for breakfast and no sign of a cough.  Same with a PB&j sandwich for lunch.  Two pieces of pizza one night was symptom free, but three pieces the next week gave me the coughs!  My Thanksgiving meal with Jason’s parents I was ok, but when I ate the leftovers I was not.    The takeaway this far?  It’s not as contingent upon WHAT I eat, but rather how much I eat and how fast I am eating it.  Sure, Italian foods (acidic tomatoey stuff) is also a bit more problematic…but I ate pizza and with a smaller amount I was ok.

So yesterday I had my first appointment with the gastroenterologists.  As I expected, they want to do an endoscopy to see if there is any damage due to this having been left unchecked for a few years.  They want to do a barium swallow to see exactly what is happening.   I am still on the protonix….but we have adjusted the protocol of how I am taking it.  I told the doctor flat out that medicine long term is not something I want and he told me that he agreed and would be happiest the day that I walked out of his office with no medic w prescribed.

Of course he can say that….he knows that my father passed away from colo-rectal cancer and that means that I will be a lifetime patient to get colonoscopies.   Of course I am scheduled for my first colonoscopy now too. 

Mental Health

My mental health is up and down.  Some days I feel on top of it.  I feel as if I can handle this thing called life.  But quite a few days I feel overwhelmed and lost.   The same stressors that I have been dealing with for the last months hit regularly and it doesn’t take much to push me into a ‘sad day’ where I am fighting the tears constantly…and where I struggle to put one foot in front of the other.  But I’m pushing through.  This dark and difficult period in life will pass….right?

Weight

It’s ugly!   So very ugly!   Ok, it could be worse, I haven’t gained weight.   But I’m not losing!    I shouldn’t be upset though.  It’s not like I’ve really put forth any great effort!   I mean seriously, have I tracked anything for calories?  Nope (I write down my food in my planner and write symptoms but I don’t carry it to counting calories).  Do I drink enough water each day?   Not really.  Some days I do better than others!   Exercise?  Ha, as if!

I want to lose!  I want to lose weight badly! I see the health issues around me (which is some of current craziness in life) and I know that my weight puts me at greater risk for bad health issues!   And let’s be serious, losing weight could possible fix my whole GERD issue.   I’m tired of hurting…because carrying around this extra weight is rough on the body!   I know I need to lose!

So obviously we know what my New Year’s resolution would be.  Hahahah.  But I’m not waiting for New Years.  Now is the time.   I started tracking my food….for caloric consumption as well as for GERD symptoms.  I haven’t started exercise yet, but I have taken steps to prepare for it (fresh batteries in the remote to turn on the tv….made sure my exercise area was cleaned).

I am planning on trying for the 2024 miles in 2024. I haven’t signed up for any official ‘race’…and I waffle back and forth about being official or doing it rogue on my own.   Time will tell!  :-)

I am going to make 2024 my year!!!

Life is tough right now.  I cry more often than not.  I’m sad a lot of the time.   But I’m not going to let life win! I have a lot worth fighting for.  Just look at this picture and it’s obvious that I have a lot to fight for!  :-)

Time Flies

​how has it been a month since I last wrote anything?  It feels like yesterday!  I wish I could say that I was doing fantastic and had dropped weight, was always happy and felt confident in my job.  But I can’t.

My job.  What to say?  I am thankful to have a job.  I am so very grateful.   They have laid off people.  My team is a trial.   I am made to feel like I can’t to anything right.   The stress of that gets me flustered and that just causes me to make errors….a vicious cycle.   

I remain stressed about a few aspects of life. Can anyone say finances?   Jason being off work for six months with no pay really hurt it’s going to take quite a while to recover.

My health.   I am on protonic for acid reflux.  It doesn’t seem to help.  Some meals are worse.  Some things don’t seem to affect me.   I mean, my morning bowl of cereal doesn’t affect me!   But a girl can’t live on cheerios alone can she?   I also seem to be good with a pb&j sandwich at lunch….only the sandwich.  Adding anything to it is a crap shoot to the appearance of ‘the flux’.   I have decided to add a bit of probiotics to my life.   Maybe my gut health is playing a part in this mess.   So far no change.  Honestly, am I eating too much?  Am I eating too fast?  I’m trying to curb how much I eat and how fast…but I find myself shoveling food in.  It’s a bad habit that is proving hard to break.  I have an appointment in about 2 weeks with a gastroenterologist.  I needed to go anyway to have a colonoscopy (my dad died of colo-rectal cancer).   But one of the main topics of discussion at that appointment will be the GERD diagnosis and acid reflux.  Jason made a comment a few days ago…and it’s not something that I haven’t thought….he said ‘I’m wondering if you were misdiagnosed’. Since the medication isn’t touching it, it does make one wonder.  So I’m just waiting for the appointment with the specialist.

My weight.   Exactly the same.   I dropped weight the week after I was at the ER.  I felt so miserable I could t eat…and didn’t eat for about 3 days…and then for the next week I only at about 300-600 calories a day.  And I lost weight.  I was looking fabulous on the scales.  The following week I got back to it and ate between 1200-1500 calories and my weight went right back to the ‘unhappy happy weight’ that I am stuck at.   It is super frustrating!    I’m not giving up…tracking my food (for the Flux as well as for weight loss.  And I have vowed that I will get back to my daily workouts.  This journey to lose weight is so difficult.

So that’s where I am at…my angst and worries in life.   November flew by and I can’t imagine December will be any different.  

A New Doctor

 ​I actually for the first time ever was a bit excited and ready to go to the doctor.   Yes, I hate to go to the doctor!  But I was looking forward to it and ready.

I was trying out a new doctor.  Technically, I was trying out a nurse practitioner.   The office was quite laid back with everyone wearing shorts and jeans.   Was that because it was Friday?  Was it in deference to the upcoming holiday?  Or was that the normal dress code.  I’m unsure.  But who cares what people are wearing, I’m there for the knowledge in their heads.   The NP was a bit older than I, and she had pink hair.  Once again, a Halloween thing or a normal thing? Not sure.

This office was also appalled that I had been told by a previous doctor, to ignore the acid reflux since it was a ‘silent’ and none severe case.  We have adjusted my meds to a ‘long term’ medication.   However, the NP is very aware that I do not plan on being on meds all my life…and that my goal is to manage this naturally and she is behind that goal   I knew that meds were going to be a thing for the near future so I didn’t fuss.    I know we have to figure out exactly what is happening and need it under control in the meantime.

She has ordered a barium swallow test of some sort (I have it on my paperwork in the other room) to start to try to figure out exactly what is happening.  What is causing my cough and throat clearing after I eat.  (And of course whatever that is ultimately caused the flare up that landed me in the ER).  That test may solve that mystery.  However, she predicts that it will simply be the guidance needed for the follow up tests that will be ordered by the gastroenterologist that she is recommending that I visit.  The other reason for the referral is the fact that she wants me to see a specialist since this acid reflux has been left unchecked and we need to see if it has caused any damage.  

We talked about my cholesterol (it was slightly high at 215), my blood pressure (always high at the doctor, but always normal at home checks) and   we talked about the calcium spot on my lung (that was discovered when I had X-rays  after my accident on the bike a few years back.). Unlike my previous doctor, she scoured the paperwork and information provided by that urgent care facility and radiologist and she picked up on a wee little line about some degeneration of my spine and added that to my clinical notes.  We talked about my weight and how I feel as if I am beating my head against the wall in a futile effort to lose weight.     All of these things will be addressed in the future.  When I brought up my weight (she was not the one that brought it up…I did) she readily admitted that most of my issues would be eradicated with weight loss.   I know that historically when I drop the weight my cholesterol drops, my blood pressure regulated, my arthritic knees feel better.   And weight loss would also help this acid reflux thing.

I just had chest X-rays at the hospital the other week so the spot on the lung is a simple thing of comparing the X-rays to make sure the spot didn’t grow (which would indicate some unchecked infection in my body). So that will be an easy check once she has my records and X-rays from both places.

However, we are not working on my weight together right now.  Of course she wants me to continue trying.  But at this time our one and only focus through doctor visits is the acid reflux/GERD.  Mainly because of the long term damage it can be doing to my body.   She doesn’t want to introduce any new meds or greatly different routines to my body at this time…not until we get a handle on the reflux.

She did recommend adding fish oil..for the cholesterol…to try to combat it naturally.  She also recommended that along with my daily protonix pill for the acid reflux that I add in an allergy pill.  (Zyrtec, Allegra, Claritin) since my acid reflux really doesn’t seem to be all day..and only after meals…certain meals.  She said my acid reflux may be caused by an allergy.  

So I am heading down a path of tests to solve the mysteries.  Medicated for the time being, but with the blessing of the doctor heading toward a more natural solution!

Weight loss….I’m still going full steam ahead with trying to lose weight.   I restarted my exercise today!   

The Flux

​It has been a while, I apologize. It hasn’t been because I’ve been ill. It hasn’t been because of anything bad. It simply is just life

After my trip to the ER I spent quite a bit of time reading and researching acid reflux, and GERD I knew that I wanted to try to manage this as naturally as possible, right now I am on rather high doses of medication for acid reflux and the flare up of GERD but I don’t want that to be my forever.  I want to manage  ‘The Flux’ as I call it in a natural way. 

One of the first things I did was to pull out the old pen and paper. I started writing down everything I ate, and then I also started writing down exactly how I felt afterwards , did I feel bloated, did I have indigestion, did I have acid reflux cough?  Through this, I have been able to start to identify foods that set me off.  Unfortunately, acidic foods like Italian are really bad for me and I love my Italian.  Yes, even with the medication these foods are still causing the acid reflux. I will be talking to the doctor about that!

Immediately upon coming home from the ER I knew that my weight had to be taken care.   Obesity is a risk factor for having flareups of GERD and acid reflux in general.  The first couple days were pretty easy to watch my food intake  because there was no interest in food. I was still feeling rough. I would eat a half a banana and feel bloated, so it was very easy for me to curb how much I ate.  As time passed it became more difficult as I am now wanting more food and different foods and snacks. However, I have managed to keep my calories in line every day.

I am very cognizant of what I’m eating, and how I’m eating. One of the things that they recommended was to eat slow.  It is recommended to put your fork down between each bite. I realized through working to incorporate this practice that I shovel food into my mouth quickly. I actually put my next bite into my mouth before I actually swallow the previous bite. I am making a conscious effort to slow down and swallow before I eat the next bite.  I’ve also realize that I’m really not hungry as often as I think!   It is mental!  Smaller portions make my mind spin as I am sure that I will be hungry with so little food.  But time and time again I eat and I find that I’m actually quite ok and not left hungry at all!   I’m learning more about my body and my eating habits!

It’s a learning process….and I have a long way to go!

I’ve seen the scale drop down…and then jump up.  It’s like the scale has a kind of its own!  I’m currently fly staying off of the scale.  Friday.  That is the day that I am allowing myself to check!  Simply by calories eaten, I should show a nice loss!

Friday is the big day.  I have an appointment with a new medical practice for my family doctor needs.  I am actually seeing a nurse practitioner.  She has great reviews as someone that listens and takes her time.  So I am hopeful!  I have my laundry list of things to talk about.  First and foremost, the flux and the GERD.  I need to know the immediate treatment plan this period where I am working on management techniques.   But I have a few things that I discussed with my family doctor that were brushed aside when I mentioned them.  (Which had made me start to look for a new doctor even before the ‘ohh it’s just acid reflux…nothing to be concerned about’ debacle.).  For once, I’m actually looking forward to seeing a doctor.  I’m a girl on a mission.

Through the last few weeks I haven’t exercised.  Honestly the first week to week and a half I felt bad.  But information I received was conflicting.  Some say curtail exercise during a GERD flare up and some said ‘light exercise’.  So I am playing it cautious and waiting for the ok from the doctor.  If I get the ok…I’m kicking that into high gear!

I honestly feel as if this GERD attack was just the unfortunate result of ‘the perfect storm’.   We had been on vacation.  I ate spicy Mexican food a few times.  Pizza a few times.  We even ate greasy fast food!  I drank soda every day.  I had lots of chocolate.  I mean, I ticked off so many boxes on the list of possible triggers that it was ridiculous!   And the vacation came to a close and the stress of ‘real life crashed down upon me’….why yes, stress is a trigger.    I am not banking on the ‘once in a lifestime storm’.  My goal is to fix myself!!

I’ll end with the dog.  Zoey is doing well…we wear her out on the weekends!  (She sleeps while I’m at work…so she isn’t as whipped on week days!). 

Dramatic End to Vacation

​All good things must come to an end…and vacation is one of them.  We had a fabulous vacation.  It was much needed.   It was productive.  It was too short.  And sadly, it ended on a bad note.

Vacation

In my last post I shared the news (and before pictures) that we were on a staycation and that we were going to be spending a bulk of our time painting our barn with some outdoor hikes thrown in for good measure.    As the aforementioned post indicated, we were off to a good start with painting and a day at a lake in the Micheaux State Forest.  

I am happy to say that the painting is done!  (Well it is done as far as we planned to be done).   The shed looks so nice all freshly painted!

We look like we care now!!! 

We also did get up to Cowans Gap (a PA state park).  It was crazy seeing it with the water in the lake let down (basically the lake with no water).  Just for reference…we had been up there in February with Zoey when she was about 4 months old.  (Why the pictures never made it to a post back then is beyond me).  Here is what the lake SHOULD look like.  

But the water has been let down in order for them to work on the dam and to reclaim the sand from the beach.  It looks so different (sorry no pictures from the same spot as Zoey still wouldn’t go across the grate bridge at the dam and while we carried her the last visit she was only 40 pounds). But you can see the difference with these pictures!

What a difference!  We had a good time though!   And we wore Zoey out!  

The vacation time went way too fast and before we knew it we were heading into our last day of vacation!  It was the last day when things turned around!

Drama and Pain

The last morning we were awaken by a sick dog.   Yeah, nothing like being awoke from a blowout…oh my, the smell!   It happened once or twice more…and you could tell it hit and she just didn’t have the time to alert us that she needed to go out.  She was miserable.   I felt so bad.  But as the day progressed she seemed to perk up and by mo day she seemed back to normal.   But due to that I spent my morning scrubbing out her crate…and the cleaning some carpets.  (The joys of having a pet).  I didn’t eat breakfast because I honestly just forgot in the craziness.  

I was in the shower when I first felt the pain.  It was high in my stomach.  Just under my breast…dead center.   The first time it was just an ache that swept over me.   When it happened my only thought was ‘dude I need to sit down’.   I rushed through my shower and sat down.  And relaxed.  It passed pretty quickly and I went on with my day.  I don’t remember it hitting me badly again during the early part of the day.   I was still feeling good, and took the time to make salads for my week and I put together a tray of lasagna for our dinner on Monday night. And I even finished a bit of painting on the shed (the hardware).  Little twinges of discomfort hit me but nothing too bad.  However as the day progressed the twinges of discomfort started coming at more regular intervals.  I even felt a bit nauseous.  I realized that I hadn’t eaten anything all day and thought that must be hungry (a foreign concept for me…and one that always throws me for a  loop when I feel a true hunger pang.  I have had issues of this in the past, where I am actually hungry but THINK I’m sick because I interpret the hunger pains as sickness.). By the time dinner rolled around I was feeling bad.   But I forced myself to eat…still convinced that it was hunger pains.   Food didn’t exactly make it better but it didn’t seem to make it worse.    I did however tell Jason, ‘I just don’t feel right’.

I went to bed, reluctantly because I was dreading going back to work!  I remember waking up and before I even got out of bed thinking , oh thank heavens, the pain is gone’.   But I was mistaken.  I started to move around and voila, the pain was back.  This time I was sure it was stress.   Vacation had been relatively stress free…and going back to work and back to real life brought it all crashing back.  Makes sense right?  I was sure that’s why I was feeling pain in my upper abdominal area….notice I was refusing to think any higher to heart!  After all, that had happened to me before where I had chest pains and it turned out to be stress (and apparently all tests at that time pointed at me being healthy as a horse).   I ignored the pain and went to work.

At work, I just wanted to lay my head down on my desk and cry as the pains intensified and washed over me.  It came in waves.  I’d have a bit of time where it was just a dull ache…but then it would hit and I would just curl up (literally) as the pain rocked through me. I was in tears more than once.  Taking the dog out was pure madness…I was feeling horrible.  The mere thought of food or drink made me want to hurl.   So nothing passed my lips…which only added to how miserable and weak  I was feeling I’m sure.   

By 1:00 pm I was at my wits end. I never call off sick! But I did.  I slept the afternoon away (discovering if I laid on my side the pain almost totally disappeared).  But when the pain came back it hit with a force if I moved from that one position even if it was to recline on my back.   The dog was a mess….she just wanted to lay on me and take care of me…but 100 pounds on top of someone that is wracked with pain wasn’t a good thing.

I started to get concerned…could this be my heart?  After all, I have had two people from my school years have heart issues.  I didn’t do anything….not until Jason came home.  (I honestly didn’t want to drive I felt that badly and off kilter).   He took me to the ER.  (I knew urgent care would say ‘possible heart’ and ship me to the er anyway).    Immediately upon arrival they did an ekg. (Literally; before I even got a room,  they did an EKG).  When the doctor saw me the first words out of his mouth were ‘your EKG looked good’.  Which of course is not definitive….but a good first sign.  They drew blood to test my enzyme levels. (Apparently when you have a heart attack your body produces proteins/enzymes).  So we did that process.  My enzyme levels that would indicate a heart attack remained incredibly low.  Thank heavens.  So we were eventually able to rule out heart as the cause of my issues. And then we went on to other things.

The end result?   GERD.   Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease.   It makes sense.  A few years back I had talked to my doctor about the fact that most times I ate I would have a wet sounding phlegmy cough…never quite coughing anything up.  I would cough once or twice and then I would be ok.    My family doctor advised that it was acid reflux but that it was nothing to be concerned with…since it was just a small annoying cough once or twice after eating.     When the doctor at the ER mentioned it, both jason and I at the same time were like ‘our family doctor mentioned acid reflux’. And I told the ER doctor what she had said and that she wasn’t concerned and said it was under control.   The doctor gave a rueful chuckle and said ‘apparently it wasn’t under control since you are laying here in my ER’.   They gave me a couple IV’s with various acid reflux meds and they sent me home with 3 prescriptions for heavy hitting doses of medications (stuff I can normally get OTC but higher doses apparently to get me past this flare up).

It’s now the next morning and both Jason and I called out sick since we were in the ER late.  Plus I have to get my meds from the pharmacy before the IV meds wear off.    

What did I learn during my ER visit

1.  It’s time for a new family doctor.   We have been talking about it for the last few months.  We have not been happy with the family doctor we have. She has ignored some complaints and issues that I have taken to her.   And this is the final straw.   She could have at least given me the risks of this ‘silent acid reflux’ issue and let me decide on how to proceed versus just brushing it aside.

2.  Don’t play with chest pains.  I should have admitted it much earlier and either called an ambulance or someone to drive me.  (Jason preached this point to me…as he was freaked out that I waited for so many hours after I admitted to myself that it was chest pains.)

3.  GERD is usually managed via medication.   Hopefully the higher doses won’t be necessary long term and I can rely on OTC versions as needed.  But it will be a learning process….and I will have to pay a lot more attention to what foods cause the acid reflux reactions.  It will be difficult because I’m the cough is now just part of who I am that I barely pay any attention to it.  (For example, I just ate some toast, first food in more than 24 hours.  I can’t remember if I did the throat clearing cough or not…..).  This will involve tracking my food…which I need for weight loss anyway and just adding that e xtra note about the cough and any heartburn/chest pain).   Hopefully I can manage this simply by knowing what foods trigger this and taking a dose of medication proactively versus taking a daily preventative medication (s).

4.  While doing my research on GERD I saw that there are some lifestyle changes that can help ease the symptoms.  They include things like the above mentioned finding and avoiding trigger foods.  It also includes avoiding alcohol and smoking.  No problem since I rarely drink and I never smoke.   Avoiding carbonated beverages will be a bit more of a challenge…but luckily I TYPICALLY don’t drink a lot…maybe one can a day. They recommend eating smaller meals throughout the day.  Not a problem on that one either…but it will make me turn away from the ‘one meal a day’ intermittent fasting method that I’ve been toying with trying.   Chocolate, spicy foods, fatty foods…foods high in acid…are all possible triggers.  So it’s recommended to limit those.     Like really, I was on vacation and drank a ton of carbonated beverages, ate fatty foods, and chocolate and the night before this happened a spicy Mexican meal. The night before was pizza.   Every food was full of things that is possible triggers.    So yes, watch my food intake.  But the BIGGEST lifestyle change to help ease the symptom is to lose weight and maintain the loss.

5.  Water water water!  Water helps dilute the acid in the esophagus and it is neutral so helps balance the PH levels that are out of whack.  Not drinking water let’s the acid run free.  I’ve been lacking with water lately.  

So yeah, full circle back to weight loss.  After I got the ‘heart looks ok’ report jason ran home to take care of the dog before coming back to the hospital and we texted a few times while he was with the dog. (The dog is ok for 5-6 hours during the day…but with her upset belly we didn’t want to push it that long..and luckily the hospital is only 5 minutes or so from our house.).   The weight loss thing can be summed up by sharing his text with you.

So there you have it.   No more BS.   I NEED a lifestyle change.   Early stages of GERD are bad enough.   But stage four..precancerous and cancer.   Not cool!   No more BS, it’s time!

Vacation Mode

It is Monday and I am happy to say that I am on vacation all week long!   I have been dreaming about our time off for weeks!  It is a staycation…we aren’t going anywhere.  But we do have a few things planned!  

The Shed

Last year for our vacation we opted to stay home to tear down a lean-to addition on our shed and rebuild it.  It was a a busy week as we tore it down and rebuilt.  We had a fire going in our fire pit going the whole vacation and the old shed was burned one piece at a time that week.  The week ended and the shed was still incomplete.  Slowly it got completed…kinda (very slowly since Jason got injured shortly after vacation…you can read about that here.   Luckily Jason’s dad helped us with getting it done!).     The shed has been in a state of being under roof but the new section was still bare wood and the old section was painted who knows when and it was obviously in need of fresh paint).  So when we decided that a go away vacation was not in the financial cards for us this year we decided to paint that shed!  Here is some pics of before we painted.  

 The pics make it look small.   It’s not huge but bigger than it looks. The leanto (bottom picture) is 20x10.  The main part is 25x12.  With an overhang in the front. The area under the over hang is an additional 25x12   (Jason says it would be prefect for an alpaca…hahahah)

It is Monday and we have now completed two full days of painting.  It looks so good!   We chose green…and it will be trimmed in white. (Stay tuned for completed pictures)

After painting all day today, I’m so tired!

Fun staycation stuff

Our vacation is not all work though!   We are trying and hoping to do a work day and then a relax fun day.  Back and forth.  So we worked on the shed on Saturday and on Sunday we headed to Micheaux State Forest (PA state forest) and did a bit of hiking.   It was actually shorter than normal. Zoey still gets a bit overexcited with new things and we haven’t been hiking much.  So we are keeping our hikes shorter while we ‘break her in.  But it was still awesome to get out!

It wore Zoey our!  She slept so hard when we got home….with her nose by HER sock.   (Our theory is that if we give her old socks that she won’t go after our good ones!)

 

We have some more short outdoor/hiking trips planned this week.  Tomorrow should be Cowans Gap…at least that’s the plan.  (We have a few other things to do also…more errand type stuff).   Apparently they have drained the lake…and we are nosey and want to see it without water!   It should be interesting.  The last time we took Zoey there she was too afraid to walk over the bridge that had a grate  versus a solid bridge deck.  At that time she weighed about 40 pounds and I carried her over the bridge.  She is over 100 pounds now….now sure how carrying her would work!  Hahaha

Anniversary

Tomorrow will be our second year wedding anniversary.   Yes, two years ago we went on vacation and got married.   Fun fun!!  (Your can read about it here. And that includes a link to my outlive video about it!).  We decided to do our annual wedding/anniversary cake again.  But decided to keep it within the confines of our weekend sweet treat  and have our cake on the weekend before our anniversary.   So we have been enjoying our anniversary cake.

Vacation will be over too soon….but I am ready to get myself back on track with getting healthy.  I have to focus on my health….I’m not getting younger!!!

Tenative steps and a birthday

​Zoey is one year old!!!!   Yay!   We celebrated with her of course!  

She had cake!  

And a steak dinner.  

She got a toy and a huge bone as presents!  The toy was a hit, the bone was so big that it intimidated her!  Hahaha!

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Luckily the cake was a dog cake, so I wasn’t tempted!  Although it smelled good and was all human food ingredients to make it, so I should have tasted it!  

In the midst of the birthday girl celebrations, I saw a post about a gal I knew from college who passed away. I knew she had been on the hospital but didn’t know why.    Curious I looked at her FB feed and saw that someone had mentioned that she had open heart surgery…within the last days of her life.   She was my age.   How sobering!   My age!    This is not the first person my age that had had heart surgery in the last few months!    When I saw the first one (triple bypass) I was like ‘wow, that’s a wake up call’.  That gal survived.   This second one didn’t.   Another wake up call.  And honestly, this second one has scared me!  

I fell off the rails about a year ago.  I’ve been struggling with my weight.   I got back with the exercise in January…and was religious about getting it done every day until June or July.  Then I slipped.   The last two months have been a free for all.    Ok, maybe not that bad.  But there was little to no tracking.  No exercise.  Very few healthy habits.  I still thought about wanting to lose though!  I just didn’t do anything about it!

The wake up call of this gal that passed away is stuck in my head.   I can’t get it out of my head.  And you know what?  That’s not a bad thing.    

I have started to track my food.  I’m on day four! 

I’ve gotten back to exercising.   I have exercised for three days!  

Healthy habits…such as water?  I’m making an effort to drink more.   That is a work in progress…but I’m making steps in the right direction!

Surviving

​It’s been a hot minute…again!  I’m here.  I think about posting.   However I am always thinking about it and saying to myself, tonight…or tomorrow.  And those times never come.   Well they come but they are wicked up with other activities and responsibilities.  So here I am at 5:30am writing.

Weight

I guess I should start with my weight since this was created as a weight loss journey.    So the down and dirty about my weight?    Nothing.  I have thought about it…made efforts to start.  (Ok, so what if those efforts were mostly in my mind.). But I have done pretty much nothing to get the weight off.   I have not recommended tracking.  I have not recommenced exercise.   I’ve thought about it a lot.  That counts for something right?

So I am here to tell you that my weight is exactly the same.   I want it to change, but I just can’t seem to find it in me to add anything else to my life.    Which is crazy because I know that if I got the weight under control that I would feel so good physically!

Work

Work continues to really drag me down.   I’m not going to say much because it is my job…and I do need to retain my employment status.  But the team I’m on is extremely toxic.  BAD!    I won’t go any further than that…but it’s not healthy.

Genera life

The life concerns are still there and they are overwhelming at times.    I try to deal with everything but the pain just bubbles up.   Yesterday I was walking the dog on my work break and was thinking about work.  And I just wanted to talk to my mom.  But while she is alive, she is not really there for me.  It’s hard to explain, but she just isn’t ‘there’.  Her attention span is gone…and she is so buried in her thoughts and misery or whatever that if I do talk to her she usually interrupts me mid sentence to say something random and not at all related, something like ‘where are my shoes’.     So I was outside sobbing because while I still have my mom, I really don’t have my mom.     The finances overwhelm me at times.     It’s just a continually cycle of being overwhelmed…work…money…mom.

Jason has been my rock.   He is the bright spot.  I know it bothers him, because he has commented about never seeing me smile anymore.   And I try….I really try. 

Survive…not thrive

So this morning I was thinking and praying and the best way to describe my life right now is that I’m surviving but not thriving.   I’m surviving.   I’m going to work.  I’m paying all my bills (yes, all bills are paid and paid on time).     I’m doing everything that needs done….but it’s seemingly just enough to survive.   Not getting ahead…not thriving.     I’m surviving. 

I’ll leave you with a pic of the dog!

Slippery Slope

 I have been on a slippery slope these last few months.  The trajectory of what I am doing has the potential to be disastrous to my weight loss journey.  I have GOT to make a change and correct this course!

A week long post

8/14/2023

Has it already been a week since I last posted?  Ok, So actually more than a week.  ~sigh~   Where does time go?  I swear I wake up and start the day blink and then it's over!   I feel as if I'm constantly on the go for most of the time that I'm awake!  It's nuts!

Enough is Enough  

So my first week of trying to take control of the one thing in my life that I have utter control of was partially successful.  I was a whole lot more cognizant of what I was eating. and I made some better choices in my food selections.    However, I tracked next to nothing. So I have no clue how many calories I ate.   So not exactly a failure, but not exactly a success.  I am calling it a successful baby step back into being fully on track!  

The weekend rolled around and we celebrated Jason's birthday.  I did eat a bit too much food over the weekend.  But I vowed that Monday was the day that I was stepping up my game.  I didn't promise myself full perfection, I simply vowed to step up the game.  

So bright and early Monday morning I was exercising. (5:30AM).   I tracked my food for the day.   I felt really good about my efforts.  My water consumption was a bit spotty, but baby steps.  Like I said, I'm not expecting perfection simply positive steps in the right direction.  Ohhh and did I mention that my stomach hurt on Monday morning yet I STILL exercised?  

It is Tuesday morning about 9AM while I'm writing this (IT is working on my work computer and has taken control. leaving me with nothing to do but stare at the computer while they click and make changes...so perfect time to write a blog post) .    I have already tracked my food that I'm planning on eating today.    

8/21/2023  

I am doing such a horrible job of juggling everything.  I  literally had my last post on August 6th.  I started to write a post on August 14th (above) and I am just getting back to it now on Monday August 21st!   What in the world?

So Exercise last week was pretty good.  I exercised all but one day!   I also already exercised this morning at 5AM!   Go me!    My food.  It wasn't terrible, but I only tracked sporadically.  I am really struggling with getting back to tracking regularly.  Really struggling with that!   Time is one of the issues.  (obviously since it took me a week to get back to writing this post!)  My weight is fluctuating in a 5 pound range.   I don't like when I'm at the top end of that range, but I am happy that I'm staying within that same range!

That said, I am sitting here saying to myself "MaryFran, you are 50 years old.   The weight is going to catch up to you sooner rather than later. "   I have been lucky thus far in life that I have not really struggled with any weight related diseases.  Heck, I've been pretty healthy all around.  But I have this oppressive fear that it is going to come around and bite me in the arse!   Seriously, I have a gal I went to high school with that just had open heart surgery/triple bypass!  I'm scared!  Yet, I struggle to get myself under control.   How in the world can I turn my fear into actual actions.  I feel insane to even be typing about my fear yet continuing to be lax about my tracking of my food.  

I want to be thin.  I want to feel good.  I want to not feel uncomfortable in clothes.  I don't want my legs to ache.  I have the reasons.  I just need to get the gumption!

I am the one in control of my eating.  I know it!  Yet am I REALLY taking control?

Enough is Enough

​I honestly didn’t mean to stay away for so long after my last post.   I realize that doom and gloom and a post talking about depression followed by a period of silence is not very comforting to anyone.  I know it and I honestly thought about writing a new post so many times!  But I just couldn’t find the time and/or energy to get it done!

These feelings suck.  Years ago when I was battling these depressive demons, I wrote in my private journal (good old fashioned paper and pen…and yes I still have one of those going) about how I felt as if I was backed into a corner with high walls all around me with no way out.  Back then I was trapped in a bad financial situation, stuck in a marriage that was not at all healthy and I was struggling with my weight (amongst other things).   I couldn’t see a way out and it led to depression then also.  And that is exactly how it feels now just different life issues.   The walls seem super high.  They feel insurmountable.  I feel trapped within  events in my life.  

That said, in the last two weeks I sat back and thought a lot about that previous bout with these depressive feelings.   Way back then, I actually adopted a mantra, a belief.   And that was, ‘I can’t do anything to change some situations in my life.  So what do I control?’      My answer was not much.  BUT,  the one thing I did have complete control over was what food went into my mouth.    No one was forcing me to eat food that was not conducive to a healthy weight.    

So I took control of that one thing.  I started to really care about what I ate.  It was my little slice of control.  Slowly that control built confidence within me and I was able to stand up for myself and I started to go to Zumba (believe me when I say it was a battle to get there as my ex husband sensed his control slipping and he dug in when I tried to start.).   I became an exercise machine and the confidence grew even more.  Even more crazy than the confidence was the fact that those insurmountable walls started to crumble.  Some of them I was able to climb over, others just crumbled away and became inconsequential.   It wasn’t overnight but it happened.    And it started by me taking control of the one thing that was possible!

This bout of depression has a different set of life issues (thank goodness for my husband Jason who has stood by me and loved me through this).  Some of the issues will most likely eventually rectify themselves on their own.   Others will need a solution and I have no clue where or how because I have no control.    But right now instead of dwelling on what I have no control over, I am going to work on controlling that which I can control.  It won’t be easy, but I’m determined.

So enough is enough.   It’s time to take control of my eating!  It’s time to stop fiddling around and get myself in gear in Regards to my weight!   I’m done with not tracking my food, with no exercise, and with feeling miserable.  It’s time to take control of my weight. And it’s the first step to taking control of my life!