cravings

The craving for chinese food was intense.  I could taste it on my tongue for DAYS.  I wanted needed chinese food.  I could smell it. I could see it (behind my closed eyes).  All I could think about was chinese food.  I pressed and yesterday we went out for Chinese for lunch.  Todd had grand plans to work outside and for me to run the chipper all day....we have ahuge brush piles that have needed to be chipped.  And of course the chipped product makes a GREAT mulch for our flower beds!  SOOOOOOOOO  of course that would be his plan for me to run that cursed chipper.  SOOO I held out and said "fill my belly with Chinese food and I will work like a mad woman for you"  Manipulative?  YES!  But guess what....that Chinese food tasted so good on it's path to my belly!    :-)   And I did give a lot of good hours in the garden working!   And then, if that wasn't enough, I picked strawberries and made a crustless strawberry pie.   I didn't make it to zumba..  This morning I got up and played tennis for an hour and then worked outside for a bit...before coming in to work. 

So cravings.....do we give in to them?  or do we work around them.  I'm a firm believer that we give in to them....because otherwise we will be miserable....and probably eat evrything else under the sun in order to avoid it.  That said...I'm STILL wanting chinese food........maybe I better hold off on chinese again soo soon!  ROFL

How does fat feel?

Moving onward to Wednesday.  Yesterday's eating was right on track!  Zumba about kicked my butt.  Oh my word the toning....one song we held a squat for the WHOLE STINKIN' SONG! while we worked out our arms, which incidentally felt like they were going to drop from my body like a lead weight....I wasn't sure what hurt worse..the legs or the arms, it went back and forth...pure torture.   I'm surprised I'm able to type this morning, because I was sure that my arms dropped off my body and fell to the ground and twitched for a while after we were done.  Seriously.    Ok, I loved it....what helps me make it through?   Mental talk.

When I'm in the middle of a particularly rough workout I have one sentence that goes through my head. And that sentence,  ~~drum roll please~~   Nothing hurts worse than fat feels.   Ohh I sometimes change it a bit to be a bit more personalized to the moment..but the same concept.  Fat hurts sooo much.  Fat physically hurts, it make my knees ache, it causes me to have stomach problems it makes me sluggish and just miserable.  But fat also hurts emotionally.  I lack self confidence....I realized this on Sunday (more on that in the next paragraph).   That hurts.   The pain of a workout is TEMPORARY.  ohhh after the squat song was done and my body had a few minutes rest, I was fine.  After I picked up my arms off the floor and reattached them, I was peachy fine.  I knew I would be....so I kept saying "NOTHING HURTS WORSE THAN FAT FEELS.....this is only temporary, fat is forever"  I pushed through it.

Sunday I figured out I really lack self confidence because of my weight.  I had my camera at a concert.  I actually DID get some really awesome pictures (zoom lens is an awesome thing). But there were a few people that were up and moving around and taking pictures from all over the theater. (unobtrusively..but I noticed because...well....because I like photography).  I knew that I could have gotten my arse out of the seat and moved forward to take a pic or two.  But I didn't...and looking closely at my motivation, or lack there of I realize that it was because I feel fat and I feel like everyone is going to look at me and say "what's that fat chick up there doing".   I let my weight dictate something that I dearly love to do.  No more!

Fat feels horrible.

Fat is hurting me.  

Fat is no longer welcome here.

Fat, your days on my body are numbered, so live it up now......you WILL be gone.

Week 2

Bobbled a little bit over the weekend with my eating.  Not too horribly bad.  But a little bobble.  (we were in Lancaster County PA for a concert and a visit with friends).  It's all good.    On Sunday morning I was showing a loss of 1.2 for last week!  WOO HOO.  (this morning I weighed myself after I had breakfast and I was down another 4/10ths of a pound so I'm happy!)

Planning really is the key to my success though.  Yesterday I had my day planned out.  I was HUNGRY when I was heading home after zumba...but I was still on plan.  I got home and went to fix dinner.  My husband was like "lets eat on our own tonight, I've got leftovers and all sorts of stuff to eat that's gonna go bad if I dont' eat it"  That's ok, responsible even.  BUT, that left me planless.  While we talked I had some special K chips (they are actually pretty good).  THEN I had a grilled cheese, some sweet pickles, potato salad, tortilla chips with salsa.  And if that wasn't enough, I had a piece of Cheesecake (it was made with low fat/fat free cheeses and creams, does that count for anything) with some of my home canned raspberry syrup over it.   Yeah, can we say 'fall off plan"   My only consolation...I had eaten soooooo lightly the rest of the day that I somehow managed to not go over my points....yeah, I had eaten mostly fruits and veggies earlier in the day so I was actually ok. 

So I'm all planned out for tonight.  :-)   Another really light day of eating (the fridge is FULL of fresh fruits and veggies....so I'm eating them all up)...and dinner is planned out.  :-)

Makes me want to ponder what other areas I could 'PLAN" and then succeed at!!!

Faith and belief

FRIDAY!  WOOO HOOO

Faith and belief.  No, this is not a religious post.  But faith is HUGE HUGE HUGE in this weight loss journey.  We have to BELIEVE and have FAITH that we can and WILL do this. If our minds do not believe, if our expectations are so low that it's not a big thing TO fail.

A few years ago a school did an experiment. This is when the schools were still categorizing kids by their ability.  One teacher had the low kids and one teacher had the high level kids.  Predictably the high level kids scored so much better on the tests.  The low kids struggled.  So they did an experiment.  One year they told the teacher of the higher level kids that this year she was going to be teaching the lower level and vice versus for the other teacher.  In reality though the the 'low level' class was the brightest and smartest children.  The teacher that thought she was teaching the brightest students was in fact teaching the lowest level.    The test results at the end of the year surprised EVERYONE.

The teacher that was teaching the lowest level of students but THOUGHT she was teaching the smart kids had a class that outperformed the other class  . 

So what do you get out of this story.  The teachers TAUGHT to their beliefs.  The one teacher thought that she had the 'dumb' kids so she didn't put her all into it because her expectations and and beliefs and faith in the students abilities were either so low or non existent that she felt it was not worth the effort...I mean, why bother, it's a lost cause..  The teacher that thought she had the brilliant kids her faith and belief in their ability was so high that she threw herself into her teaching, knowing that she couldn't fail.

Isn't weight loss like that?  If we expect to fail are we really going to throw our all into it?  Are we really going to TRY?   However if we have faith in ourselves, if we  dare to believe.......well then the sky is the limit for our success!

***************
Day 4 passed by with great success!  :-) I didn't exercise yesterday....but I DID eat right. :-)


On to day 5!   Started out rather odd...I forgot half the ingredients in my smoothie (agave nectar is really important  LOL)  It doesn't taste good and yummy...so I'm not eating it.  Why eat something that doesn't taste good.  I will eat my lunch earlier because of that...but that's not a problem. :-)   And YES, I packed my lunch, even though my co-workers will be ordering lunch in!   I'm holding strong!

On success building upon another

Isn't it crazy how it works.  Starting something is sometimes the hardest part.  (or restarting after a failed attempt...or after a slight speed bump).  However each progressive SUCCESSFUL day after that start day really does get easier?  Why is that?  Because success builds upon itself. 

The first step to having this success build upon itself is to be totally committed to restarting.  Have a plan...and I'm a firm believer in having a DIFFERENT plan in place than the old standby that has failed you time and time again.  (the difference for me this time is planning my food the day before I eat it...print it out and stick with it).   From there just START.   But each day that is successful makes me stronger.  It makes me feel like, "I CAN do this!"

I was talking to a friend at zumba last night.  I had actually met her at a weight watcher meeting.  She also quit about the same time I stopped going to meetings and has subsequentially gained.  She just started this past week. She talked about swallowing her pride and going back.  Yes, that is it.  But I encouraged her to look FORWARD.  Don't focus on the fact that she is relosing.  She is LOSING weight.  The other thing we talked about was the I CAN attitude.  No questions about it.  We CAN lose the weight.  WE CAN conquer this.  It will be a life long journey but we CAN do it.  It's a mental place we have to be in.  It's the I CAN mental place!.    I know that I may never have a flat stomach.....I may always have saggy skin.  I may always have a little 'jelly roll' around my waist.  But you know what?   I'd rather have one little itty bitty jelly roll than a whole dozen of big fat jelly rolls!  

Yes, day three was a success.  2 hours of exercise...eating right on target!  All was good!  Day 4 starting out ok.  My food is planned and I should be ok!  :-)   No exercise today but that's ok!  I've already exercised 4 hours since Monday!  :-)

day three

Day one and two are in the books.  Day three is crusing along quite nicely.  I was a little worried when a co-worker brought cupcakes in...but I looked at my points (and what I had left for the day) and I pondered...and i had a small cupcake.  I actually did HAVE the points/food allowance in my food budge.  I am still actually under budget!  WOO HOO.   So I had a little cupcake and I'm done.   Today really is crusing along.  I made it to the gym this morning before work.   20 minutes on the eliptical.  40 minutes on the exercise bike (very important).  I will be attending zumba after work.  So 120 minutes of exercise today....and keeping my eating under control...that's a fabulous day.

How am I managing my food?   I am sitting at work and planning out my eating for the NEXT day.  I print up the page with my eating plan and I post it on the fridge door.  So this morning when I woke up to make breakfast I was able to look at the paper and know exactly what to make.  Exactly what I could eat....everything.  I also already knew exactly what to put into my lunchbox for my work lunch.  It's all there.  If it's on the page, I eat....if it's not...I don't!    So tomorrow is already planned and printed!   Will things change and skew my pages.  Yes, absolutely.  I fully expect that to happen.  But I can go with the flow....work it in.  Manage!  :-)

I'm trying to get back into riding shape.  After much careful consideration Todd and I registered for Pedal to Preserve.  We have 3 weeks. We haven't been on our bikes much....time, todd's oral surgery, my cold....etc etc etc has kept us away.  We are not even sure that this ride will happen for us...we'll see.

Restart

How many restarts can a person have before it's too many?   I sometimes sit here and wonder how many freakin' times I'm going to have to say "back on track", "restarted", "a new day".  I've said it over and over these last few years.  And over and over I fail.  Over and over I start again.  Over and over I write about it. 

So my answer to my question?  There is never too many times to restart!  Keep doing it until it happens. 

Yes, I restarted on Monday.  I kept my eating wtihin my weight watchers food budget.  (Ok, I went a few points over yesterday...but we do have weekly points...AND activity points).  Today I've got my day planned and I should be peachy ok.  Yesterday I did zumba for an hour...and planning another hour of it tonight.   So I'm working it.  1 successful day down.  A second successful day is in the works.  Two days doesn't win the war....but two days is a start.  And i know that each day I'll be stronger in my position.  Stronger as I make the healthy choices.  Stronger as  I make the positive exercise choices.  Stronger all together. 

I've been able to hold msyelf steady with my eating this week.  I'm not seeing any mad results on the scales. In fact the scales haven't budged since I guess Saturday or Sunday. But you know what. I've been active.  (very active....gardening galore and zumba!) and I've not binged on the unhealthy foods.  So I consider that a success...even if the scales are not being friendly at this time! 

Yes, I've spent a lot of time gardening.  I sometimes giggle.  Our garden has more square feet than our house!  haa haa haa.  We have a HUGE garden.  (my strawberry beds have over 100 plants...and we are seriously contemplating clearing the land and doubling that....I eat a LOT of strawberries....I LOVE strawberries!)   So you can see we plant a LOT of what we plant.  Let me rephrase that.  The foods that we eat a LOT of...we plant a LOT.  Green beans anyone?   I'll be canning bushels upon bushels of green beans.  I eat them almost every day.  :-)   Peas?   Well, we eat a lot of peas too.  Tomatoes...well you need a lot of those because I make my own tomato sauce...not to mention canned tomatoes for things like chili and such.  And yes, i try to preserve enough so that we don't have to buy these staples from the store.  Home preserved foods are SOOO much tastier.  Soooo yes, our garden is a big deal!  over the weekend I spent probably more than 15 hours out there with the tiller, the shovel, a rake, packets of seeds, flats of plants, compost, water hose and a big jug of water.  :-) (the water jug was for me!)   Love to see the garden take shape.  :-)    

But do you know what I'm just ACHING to eat.  What the focus of my taste buds have?   Zucchini!  I want some breaded and baked zucchini .  I can taste it!  I can smell it.  I'm just DYING for it!  Yes, I could probably go out and buy a zucchini at the store.  But woudl it be the same thing?  Would it taste the same? 

Probably not!  Plus, in a few months I'll be begging someone to take some zucchini off my hands (what possessed me to plant 12 zucchini plants I don't know......haa haa haa.  I do make my sweet pickle relish from zucchini, and I do zucchini bread and butter pickles which I think taste the same if not better than the ones I make with cucumbers....we will eat zucchini with every meal..HOPEFULLY!)

Grow zucchini grow!!!

Last weeks rough start

Well, as aforementioned, last week started out BADLY.  Donuts, pizza and ice cream...Oh my!    But somehow, someway, I pulled it out of the fire.  I showed a 1.5 pound loss for this week.  Go figure.  

I'm gearing back up to add the exercise back in.  Zumba restarts tonight.  And I just spent the weekend working outside...HARD manual labor. (i'm so stinkin' sore today).

AND i'm working the eating. I'm not slipping.  I packed a salad for lunch...and fruit.  :-)  I'm on track and I'm going to STAY THAT WAY!!!!

where did my self control go

This week has been horrible.  I have had grand plans everyday to be totally perfect with my eating.  But then something happens and it all goes to pot.  I guess my first problem is expecting and planning for perfection.  Life is NOT perfect.  Life this week came in the guise of donuts being brought to us by customers...not once...but TWICE.   Yeah, I indulged.  Life this week came in the guise of a mandatory training after work in which they provided us with pizza and cookies and only provided regular soda and nothing diet.  Yeah, I indulged. Life this week came with evenings at home alone where I just ate without conscience thought.    Life this week came with every morning my husband asking for breakfast foods such as pancakes, waffles, two breakfasts out.  I had grand plans but I just failed.  Life. 

So life today is starting out differently.  I woke up and was so tempted to not pack my lunch and join my co-workers on our weekly Friday order out food for lunch fun.  I didn't though. I packed my lunch.  A nice healthy lunch of summer salad  and fruit.    I got to the parking lot and was sitting waiting for my co-worker to come inside.  I was playing around on my cell phone and talking to a friend (also a customer where I work) and she heard taht I was woring early and she offered to go pick up donuts for us.  Ohhh I was so tempted. I could taste the warm (yeah, they would still be warm most likely) glaze on my tongue.  But I gathered my self control and regretfully declined the offer.  Yay me.

May begins and it's gonna be a strong one

What takes forever to get off comes back with a vengeance very quickly!   Yes, all the work that I did the first three weeks of April were undone the last week of April.  I'm disgusted with myself.  But lesson learned.  OK, I'm a slow learner so maybe not.  But I'm determined to hit May hard...the WHOLE month!   Working it for 3/4 of the month is not enough.  AT ALL.  

I can come up with the excuses.....Todd's surgery and his recovery (lots of ice cream consumed...and of course I'm a social eater)  But no excuses.....it was me.  I'm totally the one that is responsible for this state of affairs.  No ifs ands or buts...it's all me.

Yes, I have to accept responsibility.  Until I accept responsibility for my actions, there is no way that I can move forward.  I don't have to be HAPPY with my actions and the consequences...but I accept them.

So moving forward what is the plan?   Healthy eating, healthy eating, healthy eating.  Ohhh and tracking every bite.  I didn't start out as 'grandly' as I wanted to this morning.  Todd and I hit up the Waffle House...uhhh that's a lot of points for an egg sandwich and hash browns.   And while I may be a few points over today because of that...I'm doing my best to minimize the damage (lots of fruits and veggies for lunch and dinner...luckily I made my summer salad last night so I've got a nice healthy option).  If the weather holds maybe a quick run  OK jog/walk combo!   If not, I'm not going to stress it because I'm gearing up.

Ohhh and biggest of all?   May will be a month where I don't fall flat on my face for a week!

Thoughts on exercise

Ok, the scales were NOT kind to me this morning.  I only hope that it's water retention (yeah, without going into it....very possible that it could be some water retention....blech blech blech....time will tell).  I want to scream...but I'm not going to.  I'm going to focus this weekend on getting back into a workout routine.  I haven't worked out in almost 2 weeks. Yeah......really! 

I have this weird phenominan that when I'm working out I eat better.  Does this happen to anyone else?  I think it's because when I'm working out I start to think about what Im eating more. I tend to believe it's because I dread the exercise so I don't want to 'undo' my good work.  haa haa haa.  Isn't that lame?

As for dreading exercise. I HATE and dread the buildup to exercising.  But I'll admit that once I start it's usually not that bad....but the after feel is wonderful. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the feeling that courses through my body after exercise. SO one one think that I would be gung ho to go out and exercise.  But each and every time I go to exercise I somewhat dread it.  Go figure.  You'd think I would figure this out and actually start to look forward to the exercise...but no...apparently I'm not that smart!

Wanna know what really blows????

Do you ever just have a day where you are devoid of all words?  Lacking anything to say? I'm having one of those.  I just sat here with my head flopped forward, my forehead pressed against my hands (holding my head up) and literally nothing came to mind.  I have nothing to say about weight loss.  Well, I do have SOMETHING to say about weight loss........ IT SUCKS.  It sucks to have to think about food all the time. It sucks to have a piece of brownie (yes, I only had one piece last night) for a treat at night and then worry about the affects that it will have.  To feel guilty for one brownie. (ohhhh it was a good one though.....gooey and chocolaty!).  It really blows to have to think about my food choices constantly.  To gather up my will power (or try to) with every bite I eat.  Honestly, it just sucks!  Everything about it sucks sucks sucks.

You know what sucks worse though?????   Being fat.  So as much as it sucks to fight and battle to lose weight....I will because fat is worse.

************

Random thoughts for the day that were floating through my mind during my head in hands no thoughts time earlier.....

*there is a weird odor in my house...not sure what it is.....I've looked and can't find anything....how do you trace a weird odor. It's not a foul odor...it's just weird. 

*bad storm last night....I've heard predictions that this year will be a bad year for storms

*I'm starting to look at some ideas and opportunities to make money...even if it's only a few bucks here and there......crafts, piano lessons (practicing to get myself up to snuff with my playing), possibly another idea that I'm not up for sharing quite yet.

*I've been focusing on a new venture with Echoes...researching and such ....that Todd and I are expanding into with the business.  Echotone Records.  A new record label.   OUR record label.  We have a possibility for a GREAT band to sign with us....and this band was actually number one on their charts last year.....so with them in negotiations with us to get signed with us...we are kicking into overdrive to get our record label up and running.

*Trying to fight the dull drums that threaten me.  I still really  miss Chris.....I can't believe it's been a month (actually a month and a week) since he passed away.   My problems still seem insurmountable and I sometimes wonder why I should even try.   I'm still really worried about a lot of things....and it threatens me daily...but I"m trying ...I'll keep fighting.

highs and lows

This journey has been one of incredible highs but some pretty low lows.  I've felt totally on top of the word. On top of life  In control and just good.  But then when things go downhill, it goes LOW.    The problem is...when the lows come it is so easy to feel defeated by everything.  It's so easy to let the lows influence how we feel and how we act and sadly enough that perpetuates itself into a vicious cycle of negative outcomes. 

It's a sheer act of willpower to break that cycle once it starts.  It's difficult because I want to sit there and scream my fury over having regained the weight (thank heavens not all of it...not even half of it).  I did it to myself, I know that, but it drives  me to a low.  And in that low I want to self medicate with food.  I want to throw my hands up in the air and say "I don't give a flying fig about this....I just want to live my life without having to consciously think about food."   But I know that doing that will only increase the low.  I HAVE to care...because caring brings about the highs that I so crave.

stranglehold, dread and other non-connected thoughts

Why does food have such a hold on me?   I start thinking about the next meal mere seconds after the latest meal is finished.  It's nuts.  I have off tomorrow afternoon and I've already talked to Todd about what/it/where/when we will go out to eat for lunch or dinner.  That's just sad.  Why does it have such a hold on me.  Food has a stranglehold on me.  It controls everything I do. I need to break that stranglehold.  How do break that hold is the question.  How do you break the patterns and thoughts that have defined who you are for so many years?   we live in a society that actually encourages that thought.  We are rewarded with food.  We are thanked with food.  We are consoled with food.  It's the way our society is.  So how can one break from this stranglehold????

I woke up with an incredible sense of dread this morning.  I have no clue what I'm expecting to happen or what is up.  Some people said "you are probably just dreading going to work because yesterday was so slow and boring"  but it's not that kinda dread.  That kinda dread is a annoying nuisance.  This is just all consuming ready to cry and waiting for the shoe to drop dread.  Not cool.   I'm just sufficiently worried because of this weird feeling.

Food yesterday.....OVER by about 8 points. It was the banana split flurry (blizzard...but not at dairy queen) that did it. I thought last week was bad because I was just kinda snacking all week.....this week may be worse because Todd is able to eat and WANTS to eat....and heck, I'm a social eater! I have my food entered into e-tools for today though. It's a bit high on carbs...but I'm within my points. (Todd wanted waffles for breakfast so I made homemade waffles....I am having a salad for lunch with grilled chicken on it....and dinner is spaghetti) notice the theme of foods for Todd has to be softer...nothing that is crunchy or has to be chewed a lot. LOL

Fear

I managed to make it through this last week with a 1.2 pounds gone.   It was rough.  I tend to graze constantly and just eat eat eat when I'm not on a routine.  So I was OK with the 1.2 pounds. 

"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith"   -Mary Manin Morrissey
                     and
"He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life" -Ralph Waldo Emerson

How utterly true are both of those quotes!  Something happened in the last 5-10 years and I stopped being the confident woman that everyone always knew.  I started to allow fear to reign supreme in my life.  I have been afraid to try new things.  To do new things.  To BE.    It starts out slow.  Just a tentativeness about anything outside of your comfort zone but then it grows to a paralyzing fear.   Soon it encompasses your life and yes, it does start to block your dreams, your hopes and your ideas.

I allowed fear of the unknown to hinder my weight loss efforts.  I have allowed fear or failing keep me from REALLY trying.   But you know what...the fears that kept me grounded have actually CAUSED me to fail...because by not doing, I failed anyway.

Running  a 5k is a big one.  I'm not honestly sure that my knees and feet will hold out.  I'm hoping that they will.  But I'm going to admit right here and now that the idea of going ....registering......waiting in line and figuring out what I need to do by myself....and running the stupid thing by myself.  FREAKS ME OUT.  SCARES THE LIVING DOO DOO out of me!  (Yes, I've allowed my fears to turn me into a snivelling cowering person!)  I've mentioned this goal and plan to some other people and they seem to have jumped on board.....some more than others.   And that is comforting that I may not be alone while I do this.  But you know what?  If my knees and feet hold out....this is something that I have to do ....I have to face my fear.  I have to do it!  I was scared about my first bike ride two years ago and it turned into a WONDERFUL experience!

What other fears should I smash?    What other fears need to be annihilated in our lives!

Anchors

Weight loss and maintenance is NOT something that is completed and never thought about again.  I am a food addict.  For that reason I know that I will struggle with maintaining for the  rest of my life.  Will it be easy?  Hopefully I  can change my habits and routine enough that my lifestyle fosters a good healthy weight.  Do I want to have to track my food for the rest of my life?  No....but will I have to?   Honestly, I may have to....at least 75% of the time....or even 50% of the time.  I don't know.

What I DO know is that tracking my food.  Keeping a food journal of my 'good eats' is tantamount to my success.  There are so many reasons for me.
     *it keeps me honest.  We all know that if I don't have to write it then it doesn't really count...right???
     *it is a good check to let me know what I'm eating that is good and what is bad
     *It keeps me in line
     *it is my anchor.  I put my food in and it anchors me to this process

Yes, it is my weight loss anchor.  Kinda crazy, but It steadies me.  It keeps me grounded and focused on what I need to be doing.  Without that anchor I tend to drift away.   I may still try to drift (those days when my weight watchers point expenditure is way way way over budget)....but the process of accountability to my food journal anchors me and doesn't let me drift far.

So what other anchors do I have?

For me, it's a mental thing.  I have visions of myself back at my goal weight.  I have visions of myself that happy confident person.  That anchors me to this process.  Because I know that what I'm doing right now to lose the weight, will help bring that person back.  And yes, that person is lost.  Will the weight loss solve all of my woes?   Absolutely not.  I dont' expect the weight loss to do that.....this time.   When I originally lost the weight, I expected life to be peachy, rosy and just grand.  After all, it was my weight that was holding me back in EVERYTHING.  And yes, my weight was holding me back a lot.....but there were bigger issues that I have had to face.  I'm facing them.  I don't know how they will be resolved...but I'm trying to face them because I know that once again being thin will NOT take them away.  Lesson learned.

Sick and Tired

Today marks the 1 month anniversary of Chris' death.  I miss my friend....I still find myself wanting to text him or hang out with him.  But I'm moving on...accepting life as it is, which is what he would have wanted everyone that knew him to do.   Wait, not only accepting life...but embracing life.  Embracing what life throws at me.    It's difficult becuase I dont' want to embrace the crappiness that seems to have been hurled my way recently.  But I'm trying.

I've been fighting off a sinus issue/cold since Friday.  I decided to push myself last night and I went to zumba.  It was incredibly difficult to make it through the hour...but I pushed through and did it.  I'm not sure I can make it tonight.  The cold has taken a turn for the worse and I just feel 100% run down.  The dry hacking cough is there, chest tightness, sore throat....just generally icky.

As much as I want to go, I have to tell myself that I am trying to lose weight and exercise in order for me to be healthier.  Pushing myself when i'm not well is not a healthy maneuver.

Back to work

My long weekend has come and gone.  BOOOOO    On Friday I got my first bike ride of the season in.  It was blustery and cool.  I was comfortable in what I wore, but Todd was a bit on the chilly side (he wore shorts...lol).  We had a nice lunch out and then went home and worked outside in the yard all afternoon.  And that is where it started to go downhill.  It started with a sore throat and progressively got worse.  So that was it for my planned weekend of high activity levels.  In fact, today....Tuesday will be my first day back to exercise..and I'm actually a bit leery about it because I'm still hoarse, still coughing but the chest congestion is not breaking......etc etc etc.  Go figure.   But you know what....my body demanded the rest.  I had no say in the matter.

My weight for the week......I lost 3/10ths of a pound.  I'll take it!!!!  A loss is a loss.  Anything other than a gain is a good thing.  :-)

I know that my rampant stress and the resulting emotions are hindering my weight loss. I know that in the past for me to lose weight I really did have to have my mind in the right place.  I WANT my mind to be there but I know that it's not.  If that makes any sense.  My mind instead jumps from thought to thought from issue to issue .  Some of the thoughts are about things I can't change....missing my friend. Other thoughts are about things that I need to do in my life....things I need to do....things I need to get straight, worries that I have, etc.   And my focus is taken away from the weight loss. 

Sometimes I feel as if I have way too much going on....that one day I'm just going to pop into a million smithereens, unable to handle the pressure anymore.

A day of rest

Yesterday I hit up my first bike ride of the season.  My right knee (arthritis) was KILLING me.  Horrible.  I pushed through it thought.  We went slow, it was windy and Todd hasn't exercised at all in ages.  But all in all it was a good ride. 

Last night though things started to really bother me.  My 'bone'  in  my foot.  Not quite my ankle...below it.  Can't explain it, but it's given me grief for YEARS upon years!   It acts up and I baby it for a while and then it gets better.  So that is giving me grief right now. 

SOOOOOOOOOO....even though I really wanted to go to a zumba class this morning, I'm passing. Taking a day of rest.  :-)  Besides (not that this has ANYTHING to do with exercise) the last few weeks I've been exhausted.  Struggle to wake up .....falling asleep early.   Just tired!  So a day of rest from exercise won't hurt that either.

So my weight.  I'm up 2 pounds.  Can't figure that one out.  I've been really good this week too!   Not gonna let it get me down...gonna plug along.  Watching carefully and do what I KNOW are the right things to do....and I know that eventually my weight will start to drop!

Pride and small victories

Victories, no matter how small and seemingly inconsequential are still victories.  They are still cause to celebrate and to cheer for each victory for each one is hard fought...and each one is one step closer to winning the long term prize.

Last night I went to zumba.  I went to the early session.  And I did the 1 hour of the early session and voila' I stayed for the second session and did a SECOND one hour session.  It really is just mind over matter.  During a normal hour, your mind knows that it's about done and I find that it sorta lets down it's guard.  I finished the first hour and I knew that it wasn't going to be ending so my guard was NOT lowered and I just plugged right through hour two.  Was I sore?   Heck yeah, we are doing lots of squats and lunges......a new song that is ALL squats and lunges on top of the other songs that incorporate them in.  One session of zumba has those muscles just screaming.  But two?  Ohh yeah, I finished but I was feeling it.  Good fun.  :-)

This morning, I woke up a bit stiff, but determined to push through and get my training jog in.  I planned to run my new route which I think will be pretty close to 3 miles.....I started out...jogged my legs were heavy but I pushed through. My knees hurt, but I knew it was because of the changing weather on my arthritis, so I pushed through.  My feet were a bit sore, but I pushed onward.  About a mile in I knew that my body was just not up to par.....I was beat.  My legs were heavier than heavy.  I knew that pushing myself further was not going to make anything better and it was NOT going to help me in the long run.  So I walked the rest of the way...and went straight back to the car....just about 1.5 miles total for the day...more than half jogging.   SO here I am at work a few hours later, wearing a foot brace.  (yeah, the foot is achy!)...but otherwise, feeling OK.  Better to be OK rather than so beat that I can't do anything tomorrow.

Tomorrow, both Todd and I are off and I hope to get out on our bikes and ride!  WOOO HOOOO

So my victory.  I was getting ready to eat lunch. Didn't know what I wanted....so while I decided pulled out the pretzels and nutella (that stuff is crack in chocolate/hazelnut form).  I ate a few and put it back.  Yes I knew that I wanted more, but I held myself to a small amount. (victory number 1).  I decided to pull a Lean Cuisine out of the freezer.  The Spring Rolls, a relatively new item that they sell I think...VERY good.  There are 2 servings in the box...and I pulled them both out. I was hungry!   I opened the one package and put it on the plate ready to microwave and started the second one...and I was like "NO".  If I really want it after I'm done eating I know that I can ALWAYS microwave the second one, because each one is only 5 points.....so 10 points is actually not bad.  But I held off and just fixed ONE serving.  (Victory number 2).    While I was eating my one serving of spring rolls, I got online and put my food into the tracker to calculate my points.  (victory number 3...not waiting until it was too late).  I put in my meal that I have planned for the evening and my breakfast and what I'd already eaten for lunch.  Plenty of points left over.  8 in fact.  YIPPEE  I could have the other serving of spring rolls.  I mean, that's awesome right.....until I realized that I was a bit shy on the fruits and veggies. SO I pulled out the leftover pears from dinner last night and had that.....AND had some corn.  Yeah, I used a fair amount of points on the corn, but hey, I like corn...and it is after all a vegetable!    I chose healthy....versus the easy and tempting spring rolls!  (victory number 4).   The additional fruit and veggies filled me up and I was quite satisfied.

You know what?  The sense of pride in beating this food addiction...even in this little small way is phenomenal!  I want to feel it more often!!!!

zumba

Stepped onto the scales this morning and holy cow!  My weight is almost back to where it was a week and a half ago.  What's up with that??????   I did eat dinner late....and I had popcorn after dinner...so sodium city.  Who knows.  I'm not going to let it derail me.  I'm going to truck on with what I'm doing and not let it get to me.  Eat right, follow the plan and exercise my freakin' butt off (literally.....haa haa haa).

Made it to zumba last night.  It kicked my butt.  My knees were hurting and I just felt sluggish.  I think the knees are because of the rapidly changing weather and the RAIN.  Both of those things are murder on the old arthritic knees.  So what did I do in regards to zumba?  I kept on and didn' let my knee pain stop me.  Was I careful with some of my movements?  Of course!  Did I let it derail me?  NO NO NO!

I'm really seriously contemplating doing a double tonight at zumba. A double meaning back to back classes.....2 straight hours of cardio.  Doesn't that sound fun????

Curb the Carbs

I am still super detemined to make this next 6 months the turning point, the fix it time.  I don't know if I'll be able to enact enough change to pull everything out and to turn things around, but golly gee, I certainly want to try!

I lost 2.5 pounds last week.  I'm struggling thus far this week.  I'm relatively ok with my actual 'budget' (calories/points whatever you want to call my tracking system).  Yesterday I thought I was going to be over with my points, but I was just perfect.  Today, i'll be 4-5 points over.  My problem?   Lots and lots of carbs.  I need to curb the carbs.  I know that it's the 'comfort food' quest.  I've been down...really down and with that comes the desire to eat things that make me feel good...makes me feel better. Food is my friend. What can I say.  I'm trying to combate it though.  Overcome.

I have two pretty large goals and motivational things coming up this year.  The first of course is running a 5K and not being hte last one (in my age bracket) across the finish line.  I've tenatively set the July 4th run (in Williamsport, MD...The Freedom Run) as my projected 5K date.  So I'm working on training for that.  I'm slow as molasses right now, but I have almost three months to better myself. 

The other big one?   Todd and I have a vacation in August.  We plan on doing a through bike trip on the canal.  That is 184 miles in 3 days.  We've done 40-45 miles in one day before...that would be our biggest rides, and when we did those ride, we weren't wiped out and dead the next day either.  So it's just a thing of getting back to that point.  I always said that if I did a through trip that I would want to stay in hotels each night...but for some crazy reason...I've agreed to camp the two nights on the canal.  Ohhh joy!   The tenative plan is to go to Cumberland one day.(heres hoping my parents will drive us up...in our car if they so desire)..stay overnight in cumberland (at a hotel) and then leave early to head down the towpath.  Two nights at hiker bikers....arrive in Georgetown and stay overnight down there...and be picked up down there the next day.  :-) (once again, at the mercy of someone picking us up...although we have talked about back up plans to get there and back) So that is a huge thing...and to do so, I've got to get on my bike and RIDE!

Saturday

Disappointed...my weight was down about 3 pounds but then popped back up two pounds.  I'm still on the good side of where I was last Sunday, so I"m not too upset, but it is just disappointing.  I'm working my butt off and it's going so slow.  The weight just dropped off the last time.  ARRGGHHH

I have already been out jogging this morning.  I only went 1.5 miles (roughly)  becuase number one, even though my time doesn't show it, I jogged it (my jog is VERY SLOW) the whole time.....and secondly because I plan on going to zumba in about an hour.  Yeah, an hour of intense cardio.  WOOO HOOO.  :-)

I know that if I continue to workout like I have this week that the weight WILL come off.  I was looking in the mirror and while I don't know that a week is enough time to SEE a differnce, It seemed as if my body is already changing.  Just my first thought.  Who knows.....and I'm not going to spend too much time pondering it.  haa haa haa

Todd and I have some time off together next weekend.  We were originally talking about doing this and that.....lots of driving lots of sitting and lots of eating (and spending money).  We have instead decided to try to do more active things.  Bike rides on the western part of the canal and maybe on the eastern part also.  I've got to return to a more active lifestyle.  I know that activity is key to losing weight and KEEPING IT OFF!   I can do it!!!!!

Thursday

I have held it together this week, and I am slowly starting to see my weight drop. I've also worked my BUTT off with the physical activity.  Walking, jogging, zumba....you name it!  :-)  My legs are sore sore sore (zumba....new song....squats....ouch)  but it's a good sore. 

I'm gonna do this....this is MY YEAR!

I have a page at the top of here to track my exercise.  My stats for my jogging are somewhat pitiful right now, but you know what...I'm posting them anyway so that in a month I can look back and say "wow, look how far I've come!"

I've decided.  And I have a time frame.  I'm giving myself 6 months to get myself in line.  Gather myself up.  get my life under control.  And at the end of 6 months, I will make some huge decisions that I've been waffling on.  So my goal....get rid of the weight in these six months!!!!!

How am I doing it???? Accountability with a few good friends.  Tracking my food intake.  Exercise, exercise exercise.  Bike riding, walking, jogging, zumba will all be common themes.  I have decided to train for a 5K....and specifically one that will take on July 4th.  I jogged today.  It is painful to actually post my results of the jog (part walk) because it's so sad ...but here it is. 

walk time 32:35, 2.06 miles, average 15:51 /mile, ascent 587 feet.  

The goal now?  To make it 3.1 miles to make the 5k mark and to obviously move my pace faster so it's not just barely a notch above a walk! 

mf

I'm doing ok.  Getting past some things.  Laughing heartily at some other things.  Mourning and missing the friend that I talked to so much.  But I've also done some real soul searching about ME.....about my life....about where I am.  I'm trying to adopt a totally different view on life, a totally different attitude if you will.  Go back to my roots.  Start from what I know....and for me that is in my faith, my religion.  I've been so angry at what has been dealt that I've turned away.....maybe it's time to turn back.  No, not be a fanatical religious person, that has never been me.....but just remember what I believe and my faith.  It has brought me some peace about everything that's been going on within my life. 

No regrets

I'm much more at peace right now about everything.  Few things about it....

I say I'm at peace.  I'm not saying I won't cry ever again about this.  Sometime in the last day or so I gathered myself up and really thought about some things that Chris had said in passing while we talked about various things.  One thing was "I live with no regrets.  I make my choices and decisions based on what I feel is the best.  I may chose wrong, I may  fuck up my life (sorry, these are his words not mine!), but I can hold my head up and have no regrets because I chose based on what my heart and head said to do."    The other thing was so simple but whenever you said something or expressed concern about something that had happened or was happening to him he said "It is what it is."    Sometimes he would expound on that line to add "it can't be changed so there is no use feeling sorry.  Back when he would say stuff I sat there and thought about how harsh that was.....and yes it is.  But in theory, it's the only way to be.  Accept what life dishes out and move on.  Chris tried to adhere to this.....don't think he always succeeded...but he tried.   The other major thing that I'm taking away from my friendship with Chris.....live for yourself, do not try to be someone you are not, do not try to fit into a mold that is not suited to you.  Live for yourself...be your own person.  March that that different beat if that's what you hear in your head...and hold your head high doing it, some people won't understand but that is their loss.  Stifle who you are and you lose in the long run.

The other thing that I can thank Chris for?  He was always full of compliments.   For someone whose self worth has been shaken to the core his kind words were a balm to my soul.  For that I will be eternally grateful. 

All this said, I miss my friend more than words can say.  I keep waiting for my phone to vibrate with a "morning sunshine" message.  Or for him to tell me some quirky story or play me some piece of music that he just knew I needed to hear.  Or for him to just chat about life happenings.  His death leaves a big hole in my life.  

Todd and I were talking yesterday and we started saying "there are somethings that don't add up about Chris' death being called a suicide.  He was making plans for the future.  He was setting up a record label with another mutual friend and was very excited about it. He and I had plans to visit ESP (Eastern State Penitentiary) in Philadelphia with our cameras.  Thursday night he told me about something he wanted to experience before he died...no NEEDED to experience (and there is no way he experienced it in the two day interim).   Yes, he talked constantly about "giving up" and "suicide" and such....but honestly, that was Chris.   So Todd and I started to doubt the original email from this 'close friend' that told us it was suicide.   I did talk to his brother a bit and like Todd and I said, until the toxicology reports come back...they won't know.   But, his brother said that Chris had to do lists and such and every indication was that he planned to wake up.  I have my suspicions and I think it could have been accidental due to a reckless act (taking too much of one medication in conjunction with another...all taken innocently, but recklessly  in an effort to get relief from some various ailments) that he chose to take...knowing what could happen but willing to take his chances because he felt as if he had nothing to lose.  Just my suspicions. 

Am I still depressed....yeah.   This has shaken me to the core.  Will I try to climb out again?  Absolutely.  If for nothing else than that Chris wouldn't want me to sit in a funk.  Will it be easy?  Heck no.  I knew when I started to dig my way out a few weeks ago (or was it a few months...whatever) that it was going to be a long hard road.  I'd allowed words and situations to win and I had stopped being me in the process because I thought that's what people wanted.  Every situation is still there facing me....I now have the grief and loss of my friend to compound that.   But I'm worth it, I'm worth the effort.  Chris told me I was....in the way he treated me.  In how he talked to me.  And in his actions toward me.

So here we go with the trying to find things to be thankful amidst the ruins of my life as I attempt to put the pieces back together.

March 25, 2011 
   Today I am thankful that my life was touched by the man that was Christian 'Chris" Harvey.  While his death has caused me sadness, his life has given me so much more. 

For me today:  I dont' know what I'm going to do FOR ME.  But I'll come up with something. 

Be true to yourself

Kinda quirky...but this was shared with me a while back, I just sat and said how utterly true.....it came to mind yesterday as I grieve the loss of my friend, becuase he tried to do that.  Some may have said he was an outcast because he walked to the beat of his own drum....but he was truely his own person and if you looked past the quirks you couldn't help but like him.

I believe that one defines oneself by reinvention. To not be like your parents. To not be like your friends. To be yourself. To cut yourself out of stone. If you hate your parents, the man or the establishment, don't show them up by getting wasted and wrapping your car around a tree. If you really want to rebel against your parents: out earn them, outlive them, and know more than they do. I am ready for what ever's coming. I expect nothing but to be let down or turned away. I am alone. Goddamn. The shit hurts sometimes, but I realize what I am, what I have become. The alien man waved his arms up and down and noticed that he couldn't wave in the right language so he stopped.



There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall, so many laws to keep you from experience. All the cities I have been in make me fully understand the cozy, stifling state in which most people pass through life. I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride. All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die. I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow. I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun - hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks. People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case." I will turn and say to them "It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job, cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive. For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that. For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!" And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.
                      Christian Harvey


Reminder to all of us to live our lives for OURSELVES.....be the person that we want to be...and not whatever someone else wants.  Live live to the fullest and don't become sucked in by the things that the world wants us to focus on (jobs) becuase they are NOT the important things in life.  LIVE FOR YOURSELF!

The mountain to Happiness

A month or so I wrote about how i was so utterly depressed and just overwhelmingly sad.  I wrote on here how I was trying to dig my way out of this pit of despair.  It was slow but I feel as if I was really making progress.  I was standing up for me.  I was taking time to do things for me.  I was starting to feel better.  Yeah, life was still really getting me down, but I was trying to focus on the good things.  Trying to not allow things to get to me...to not dwell on everything that seems to have dumped on me in recent months.

However yesterday all my progree came to a crashing halting stop.  Let me back up.  A good friend of mine....someone that I hang out with a few times a week and text everyday....numerous and constantly has been depressed and down.  I was with him on Thursday and was sufficiently worried about something that was going to occur in his life on Saturday that I sent him a text on Saturday telling him to keep his head up.  He did text me back and say "Don't worry about me, i'm not going to kill myself yet"  I responded back but didn't hear anything else.  I sent more texts on Sunday.....and Monday...and Tuesday.  By Tuesday I knew something was seriously wrong.  On Tuesday afternoon, I received a phone call with the horrible news.  He committed suicide this past weekend.

I lost a good friend.  Honestly, although he knew nothing of my problems and woes (or very little....by my choice, I didn't want him to have to worry about me in the midst of everything going on with his life) he was my anchor as I worked to rebuild the fragile pieces of my emotions.   He filled the void as my husband and I work opposite schedules....so I always had someone to talk to those long nights at home alone....or someone to go out with when Todd wasn't available.  I'm crushed and devastated at the loss of my friend.

I can't wrap my head around it. And I can't stop crying.  I think about the good times with him.....and feel better for a few minutes....and then I think about my issues and I just can't deal with them....so I cry.    I am NOT suicidal....because I would never do something to knowingly cause pain to my friends and family....but I can see and totally understand where he was at.  You sometimes feel like the mountain to happiness is tooo high.

Bucket List

1.   Run a 5K (and not be the last one coming across the finish line)
2.   Ride another quarter century on my bike (at an event)
3.   Ride a half century on my bike (at an event)
4.   Ride a full century on my bike (at an event)
5.   Complete a triathlon
6.   return to my goal weight
7.   publish my writing
8.   vacation in germany
9.   have a baby
10. write a novel
11. Photography- expand my knowledge to fully understand and be able to shoot productively in all situations.
12.  Find an illustrator for the "cats on the Canal" childrens book
13.  Publish my "cats on the canal" childrens book
14.  Photography - enter contests
15.  Photography -WIN a contest
16.  Piano- return my skills to the point that I can pick up almost any book and play from sight
17.  Return to Florida...specifically Brooksville and Tampa....for a visit down memory lane
18. 

This will be a work in progress as I expand and change the list as time goes by!

Thursday

This morning I got outside...started to walk and just wanted to move faster....so I started to jog.  I jogged one song and walked one.  And I thought.  I thought about the fact that running a 5k is always something that I've had in the the back of my mind to do.......and that brought some other things up that I want to do.  And right then and there I decided to write my list of  'to do' things down and take pride as I work toward them.    I'm a total list maker.  Part of the attraction is to have a list that I can visualize and remember what my goals are.  The other thing....the sense of accomplishment at the completion of an item is HUGE!

So I'm back on track...and feel STRONG today.  I can do this!

Put it behind me!

Can I put this weekend behind me?  I want to.  I want to move on and forget about everything that has happened. HOWEVER, i'm living with it and my stress levels that I thought were sky high before have just hit an all time new high.

I got off work on Friday afternoon at 2.  Headed home for a quick stop before heading out to attend to my errands.  Interrupted a burgulary in progress.  Yes!   I must have interrupted them at the very beginning because they got very little.  Soooo...Friday afternoon was spent talking to the cops, rounding up my cats (they left my inside cats out) and changing locks on the house. (we have no clue how they got in...no sign of forced entry)    They didn't get much (because I came home what must have been immediately after they got into the house) and what they did take wouldn't be covered because we have a deductible. But I feel totally violated and defiled!

So eating this weekend?   Not good. I've eaten everything AND the kitchen sink!  Trying to reign it in today!!

Plotting and planning

I'm seriously considering going back to weight watchers. The accountability is so vital for me. Last spring it didn't work. Last spring I don't think I was ready to say that I've hit bottom...AGAIN. I'm there. I need to make changes in my life. The money is the biggest factor. I don't want to spend it (and money is tight so $40 a month is a stretch....however, I'm already paying $13 for the etools....so it's actually only $27....ok, put that way.....) I've also realized that competition is not working for me. I've started competitions with people and I've bombed each and every one. Yes, I hate to lose....so when I mess up and start to lose, I give up. I'm not going to set up any dates of when I want to reach the goals. Oh wait, I'll say "ohhh I think and hope to be such and such by such and such' But I can't set any "I'll be 10 pounds down by the time we go on vacation" Once again, it's easier to give up and stop. It's this intense fear of failure.....so when I start to slip and slide backwards towards failure, I just give up so that I don't have to look at myself and say 'you failed, Maryfran....you failed again'.
I've eaten rather well this past week. My choices haven't been all that bad. I've eaten lots of fruits and veggies. BUT my weight is still up a bit from where it was on Monday. I know why though....because my portion control has been out of whack. So that's the next thing to tackle.

I have value

Monday is done.  I stayed within my points....made it to zumba.....all was well.   This morning Todd requested waffles...so i made them.  The points are calculated and my lunch is very nutritious and healthy, so I still have a decent amount of points for the evening and for my dinner.  So I should be OK.

HOWEVER, today is fastnacht day!   SOOOO  of course in at least this area, that means DOUGHNUTS!  My manager brought a bag of fresh donuts in for us.  Just walking by the counter where the donuts sit the smell just wafts lazily through the air, tempting my taste buds, making me salivate!  AHHHHH  Not gonna do it!  

I've thought about setting goals for myself.  But you know what.  I focus on the goals and lose track of what I'm doing.....which is taking care of me.  Yes for the last few years I've joined weight loss challenges.  I've set goals for myself.  I'd done everything I can think of to challenge and motivate myself.  But each time I do horrible.  And that's because I'm not doing it for the right reasons.  The right reasons?    Because I'm worth the effort.  Plain and simple, I'm worth it.  Yes, I'm worth the effort to make me better.  I'm worthy of being a thin person again.  No matter what anyone has said or done to make me feel it, I do deserve to feel good about myself!!!!   I have value, even if I've not seen it for a long time.

Ephiphany!

Just had an epiphany!   I realized and remembered (it just came to me out of the blue) that when I first lost the weight that I really didn't have much success until AFTER I basically sat back and said "you know what?  I like myself the way I am"   I wanted to lose weight still, but my losing weight wasn't contingent upon my self worth.     And you know what?  I lost weight. 

Somewhere along the way though, I lost my focus anddrive.  I switched away from the original motivator that started this....and that was to lose weight for MYSELF and instead started to use other motivators.  I made comments to myself that "when I finish losing this weight, this problem will go away or be miraculously fixed...becuase the weight is causing it"   Life would be grand.  However, life wasn't grand.....the problems and difficulties didn't go away.  They were still right there...and since those problems had become the motivator, I gave up....and gained some of the weight back.

So here I sit.....pounds heavier again. I swore I would NEVER again weigh over 200 pounds...yet here I sit.  I am filled with self hatred and self disgust over where I'm at.  I struggle with accepting myself at this weight.  I remember how good 180 felt!   And I have refused to accept me for exactly what I am......ME.  Is it going to be easy to aceppt this current weighted me?  NO!!!!!!  Do I feel at all lovable?  Worthy?   No!!!!!  Not all all.  Circumstances have beat some of that out of me.  But I'm going to have to work on saying to myself "Maryfran, no matter what you weigh......you are an ok person....and I accepted you at 180 pounds, I accept you now  at 200 plus pounds.  I accepted you at 250 pounds....and 275 pounds.  And you know what....I accepted myself at 315 pounds, my highest ever.  No matter what I weigh, I'm the same person inside and losing the weight only makes that same person stronger!"  

Now, I"m not saying that I accept this weight....meaning I'm going to throw out my 'thin' clothes (the ones I hope to wear again) and go out and actually finish buying a wardrobe for my current size (I've bought the bare minimum...lol).  No, I still want to lose.  But I refuse to downtalk and beat myself up anymore.  I'm who I am.  I have an addiction......I did it to myself.  But you know what....that's what makes MaryFran intrinsically me!!!!!

Well.......yesterday was rough.  I usually don't get knocked flat by a little work at the dentist....but yesterday knocked me as flat as they come.  I was just so sluggish and out of it the rest of the day.  My mouth was numbed at about 1PM...and at 10 I was STILL numb.  And joy of all joys....my jaw and mouth is STILL sore today.  

The only good thing....is for my eating.  I am going out with some friends tonight after work.  I was FULLY planning on knocking a few back. (not to the point of drunkeness of course) but having a few.  Well, I'm not supposed to have alcohol for 72 hours or something like that.  Well shucks!    So that is a good thing for my eating though.....empty calories and all that.

Life is a choice.  We chose what we do. We chose how we react to things.  And those choices bring us to where we are.  We can't go back and change the choices we made.  However, the choices I make TODAY will affect my future.  SOOOO that is my challenge....to really change how I react and what choices I make TODAY...knowing that my future depends on it!

I can eat healthy!  I can do this!!!!!

Tuesday

Didn't do too badly yesterday.  I ate a little 'heavy' for dinner, but I was withing my food budget for the day, so I'm happy with myself.  I've already put in todays foods into the tracker so that's a start also.  Gotta focus on making GOOD choices!!!!

I have a feeling my work day is going to DRAG by......

Gonna do it!

I've been working to dig myself out of the pits of depression.  It's not easy.  But I'm working on it!  It's baby steps.  Doing small little things for me.  Small things that make me feel alive.  Trying to fill up the emptiness that I feel inside me.   I think it's working.......at least I hope it is.

Sooooo, now that I'm feeling marginally better, I am goign to tackle this weight issue.  I packed my lunch for work.  Felt good to actually pack a HEALTHY lunch.   Strawberries, corn, grapes and a few fat free pringles.  I have put my food into the weight watchers online tracker already and I'm ready to rock this.  I know it will take time.  I know it will take perserverence.  But I'm going to do it!  :-)

Weight loss is the only thing that I've got complete control over...and I want to take that control back!  I'm tired of feeling horrible!!!!

Something for me!

tractor seat spring, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

It wasn't a long 'me' time. BUt I did get out with my camera a bit today. Still struggling with my eating. But I'm determined to get in shape!!!

Hump Day

Today, February 23, 2011 I am thankful for some clarity that has come into my life.  Clarity to realize that I've lost myself and while my steps may be small to 'reclaim' me, I'm thankful that I have at least some idea and plan in place to rediscover who I am.

Eating wise, I'm a disaster.  This has to change!!!  I can't continue on.  I look at pictures of myself at a thinner weight and I just cringe because I looked so good and now I feel so frumpy!  I need to fix this!  Where is my  motivation!

I will be attending Zumba tonight!  :-)

Plan

Saturday February 19, 2011
       Today I'm thankful for a long weekend that's coming up!  Yes, Monday is Presidents day and I don't have to go to work!

So what is my plan for rebuilding my life, for making me whole again?   It's not much of a plan.  But I do know that it's going to include me eating right and exercising.  :-)    But other than that I'm reviewing my hobbies and likes and I"m going to focus on things that I like.

1. Photography.  I've long said that I enjoy it and want to take it to another level.  I've struggled of late because I've discovered that being depressed does not lend one to find the beauty in life....and thus I don't see much that I want to take pictures of.  I'm going to try to work on that.  Hopefully as spring and summer approaches that will get just a tad bit easier.

2.  Piano.  I've played since I was five years old.  My mom has often over the years remarked (when I lived with them (that she could tell my stress levels, because I played more when I was stressed....it was my cathartic act).  My piano is at the studio so not at my fingertips.  But I do have a keyboard here at the house.  And I recently pulled it out and it's all set up ready for me to play.

3.  Crafts.  Cross stitch, hooked rugs, quilts, crochet, you name it...I used to do it and I don't anymore.  I need to pick things back up and dabble some more.  I used to always say I wanted to be a renassaince woman and know how to do a little of everything.  Well, I need to step back into that pathway.  

4.  Writing.  I love to write.  I enjoy seeing my words come alive and piece together a complex (or not) story.  I have no outlet for my writing, but once I get myself back in the habit of writing, maybe I can look for a creative outlet for my writing.

That still leaves me short with the friend thing.....but well hopefully that will come in time.

Finding myself

Somewhere along the way I've lost me.  I've lost the essence of who MaryFran really is.  I've pushed myself back into a deep dark hole.  I think part of it has come from a desperation to make things right in my world.  "If I just do this for so and so, the world will continue to spin on it's axis. "  or thinking that the more I did for those around me, the happier my relationships would be.  I ran myself into the ground trying to please.  I become so immersed into the issues and problems in my life and worrying about solutions and the causes that  I slowly pushed myself out of my life.   So now I stand here with my arms out and I look deeply at myself and all I can say is "where did I go?"  I'm gone.  The girl named Maryfran has disappeared into thin air.  I'm left as a shell of a woman.....empty inside.

The empty shell of a MaryFran is never going to win the battle of weight loss.  I know it with all my heart.  I can try and try and try as hard as I can.  But it's just not going to happen. I need to fill that shell again with the things that make me intrinsically me.  I've changed in the recent years, so the things that MAY have made me me way back when may not be the things that I need to pour into myself to fill me.   I need to find ME...the CURRENT me.  Once I find me and take away the emptiness in my life, I'll be able to concentrate and REALLY have success on the external features (the weight).  Does this mean i'm going to give up and eat anything I want?  Heck no!  Does this mean that i'm not going to exercise?   Absolutely not.  It just means that I recognize that my recovery from this weight loss is much more than simply relosing these few pounds......it's as important as fixing ME.  Finding ME again.  Making ME whole again on the inside AND out.

I started a while back my quest to find something good each day.  I'm going to reinstitute that plan.  I need to focus on the good in my life and not focus on the negative!  It was hard some days...and I know that I'm battling a crippling depression.  But I'm gonna perservere!   So....

Friday February 18, 2011 
Today I am thankful for the gorgeous weather that we are having. It's hard to imagine that I was outside in a short sleee shirt today.....while last year this week we had a TON of snow.....can we say two different 2 foot plus snow storms in one week.....which was preceeded by a 4-5 inch snow...which was preceeded by an ice storm.  Yes.......60 plus degrees is a wonderful thing!

Life Sucks

Life has been rough.

First lets talk about eating.  I had made a very concious decision to eat right.  To change and work on the only aspect of my life that I do have control of.  I started....and then as the stress mounted, food started to make me feel ill. I'm eating very minimally.....so that's actually not good. But at this time, eating alone is a chore.  Never thought I would say that.

The last week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me.  I've cryed at the drop of a hat. I've cried continally.  I want to cry now!   Part of the problems are personal in nature, so I won't share them.  But lets just say that I have come to the conclusion that some situations in my life have totally decimated my self confidence.  Words have damaged who I am.  Words have made me doubt the sincerity of so many things....when they pertain to me that is.   Above and beyond the self doubt and confidence issues...just life in general has gotten to me. 
My song....which I have listened to over and over.......is currently by Cher........it really speaks to me!  Check it out!!!

Sick and Tired

My weight held pretty much held steady over the last week.  I'm eating near no vegetables or fruit. That HAS to change!  So I'm going to track every bite again.  I keep starting, but keep forgetting.  I have to make it a habit once again!!!!

I'm tired of beign this weight.  I'm tired of feeling fat. I'm tired of not fitting into clothes. I'm just tired of it.  I'm tired of the fact that for two months I worried about what my added weight did to my health.  I'm just sick and tired of it...and the only way to not be sick and tired?   LOSE THE WEIGHT!

CLEARED

Well, i was cleared by the cardiologist yesterday.  The pulmonary tests cleared me for lungs on Monday.  I'm super relieved about this.  But yet, it still makes me wonder what in the world has caused the chest pains.  Go figure...and STILL causing them.  The cardiologist was like "exercise if you want...start out slow though".   Slow?  MF do anything half ass?   3 hours later found me at Zumba......I did tone it down just a tad......haa haaa haa.  Was I out of breath and having a hard time to catch my breath? Yes....but the doctor seems to think that the exercise will help with that.  I got the impression that he thinks it is the initial diagnosis of pleurisy......and my inactivity is causing my fitness level to decrease rapidly (since all I do is sit on my butt because hey, I don't knwo what's wrong with me!).   So I'm going to give it the gung ho go. 

My weight was GRAND yesterday.....but UP today.  up by more than 3 pounds.  What's up with that??????   Couple things maybe.....late dinner, high sodium lunch, first workout in a while.....oh yeah, the ick is just around the corner...blech.

My weight has dropped some.  I would say that I dont' know how....beacuse I have been calculating my points, but I've not been eating the greatest.  The biggest thing that I've done?  Somehow I've been able to start discern that i'm not hungry.  And I've not eaten if I'm not hungy.  Dont' even start.  Admittedly, STOPPING is more difficult if i'm already eating dinner to stop when I feel full...but I'm trying to listen to those signs also. I'm not sure it's the best thing to do. I've not eaten breakfast some days.  Some days i've not eaten lunch.  One night I didn't eat dinner....I just wasn't interested.   I would be worried, but when i do go to eat, i'm not ravenous....I dont' gnaw off the kitchen cabinets to get to the food.  This is a huge thing for me because I'm a food addict.  I eat to just eat.  So I'm really rather wondering how long it will last.  But I'm gonna role with it while it lasts.  Play with it and maybe learn how to really hear my body...this is totally  new for me, I've never had this happen in all the years that I've been doing this.  Soooo maybe this is the next lesson learned in this journey!

report

Another Doctor's visit down.  The doctor came in and was like "what's happening today".  I answered, chest pains.  She looked at me and said "STILL?"  I was like, yeah......for two months....(and I threw in there yeah, this is my third visit for this).   She all of a sudden was like "this is not good".....she was then all of a sudden "We need to get you to referrals for a stress test and an echocardiagram'.  I asked to be referred to Robinwood heart (that's where my dad currently goes).   She then also said that she is going to set me up for a pulminary function test.  Checking my lungs...since I am short of breath on occaision. 

We talked a bit about my cholesterol.  Yes, it's high  "A bit high".  I asked her if I could work on getting the weight off because I proved it before when I lost the weight that my cholesterol drops with my weight loss.  She agreed and wanted to know how I planned on doing it.  She was ok with my plans.  LOL   She also said that she woudln't have wanted to add any meds until we know what's happening with my heart.

My week....started off not too nice. Actually it started out bad with a piece of gear at the studio breaking down and Todd spending all day Monday working on it. He's still working on it...so that's no fun. But he had clients last night and they knocked off a few hours early (due to snow and ice) so he was home by 10 and we went to the bedroom at 11. (Probably read until midnight). Why I tell you all this?


This morning Todd went out and scraped my car and he walked to the end of the driveway where his car was parked. (we park one car on the apron the first 10 feet off the road...when the weather is bad...easier to get the car out...so he came home last yesterday evening and parked on the apron). So anyway, he scraped and cleaned off my car and then went to do his. He cleaned off the door and opened it to hop in and turn on the car to warm it up and noticed something horribly wrong.....in the vein that there shouldn't be a big empty space where the car stereo that he put in used to be. There SHOULD be subwoofers and all kinds of car stereo parts. His thing of CD's should still be there.......50-100 cd's. Oh yeah., things were not right. SOOOO inside he went and we called the police just to make the report. They came and left and then we both headed off to work. Annoying thing...it happened in his car....we only have liablity on his car so it's not covered for this. It could be worse...the car could have been damaged or something....so it was just annoying. Ohhh the funniest part...his car stereo died a few months back. He's been moaning because it's only 2-3 years old...he put it in back in 2008 I guess it was......so they got a stereo that DIDN"T WORK! ROFL. Ok, the subwoofer and cd's and other stuff.....that's sad. :-( Now my butt won't vibrate when I drive his car! (the sub is/was behind the drivers seat...on the floor...partially under the seat)

So our week hasn't started off the best. Hopefully it starts getting better. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here at work.....chest is hurting (hello stress...is this all stress related?......)....and I'm just wishin' I were at home. LOL I have my stuff to go to Zumba tonight. But now sure if I'm actually going to go. Chest pains...and they say that the roads are going to deteriorate again tonight (with more precip this evening). So just not sure. Excuses? Probably.

Todd and I HAVE decided to start looking for a new doctor. This is ridiculous. I'm just not happy at all with the doctor and her care. I feel as if she didn't even listen to me in December and in reality brushed me off.....because "your too young to be having chest pains". Yes, she said that to me. And yes...I am too young to be having chest pains....but that doesn't negate the fact that I am having them. Are they stress related? Honestly, I think probably. Do I know that for certain? NO. Did I have a grandfather that died when he was only 9 years older than I currently am? YES (and his father was only 50.......grandfather on the other side also died of heart disease..but he was 60...so it's in my family). But this scare has made us realize that we have to have a GOOD doctor....because we can't wait until we are sick to find a doctor. Meanwhile I go back on Thursday to my quack doctor. I'm going back to get the results of the gall bladder and blood work (i already know about the high cholesterol). But if she doesn't have anything concrete for me, I'm going to head to a heart specialist. Let me rule out the heart. My mom's doctor said do the heart specialist first...and then go to a pulmonary specialist...knock those two major things out of the field.

I didn't forget my vow to find 'happy' things and I did think and find something happy each day.  I meant to come online and write them down...but I...well, I forgot and never got around to it...and currently I can't remember what I was going to write.

Today I am thankful for my cat Ethel.  The last two months she has not wanted to leave my side.  She crawls up on my chest and lays on me.  Or curls up as close to my chest as possible. If that is not an option, she is content to lay in my lap.  She's with me all the time.  Showing me that she loves me.

Saturday Morning Bright and Early

Saturday has dawned bright and early for me.  I was so looking forward to waking up nice and late.  Sleeping in and greeting the morning after the sun was high in the sky was on the agenda.  However, 6AM and where was I?   Laying in bed, in the dark wide awake.  I gave up and picked up my cell phone and checked email and just in general laid there wishing that I could sleep!.   By 6:30 the old lady jody was hacking up her breakfast beside the bed on the floor.  (Poor kitty cat.....I feel bad for her, but she doesn't seem to be in pain....so we what do you do?)  Todd jumped up and cleaned it up but that was all she wrote.  He went right to the shower (his alarm would have gone off at 7AM anyway) so I just gave up and started some laundry.  So here I sit.   Not really hungry.  Part of me says that I NEED to have breakfast because if I don't I'll just start snacking at the farmers market (that is not good because I'll be with my mom....mom sells baked goods....yummy cupcakes, delicious cookies, scrumptious breads...shall I continue?)  But then the other side says why eat if you are not really hungry.   I'll decide closer to the time when I leave.  Mom is already at the market, but I really just don't feel like sitting there for a long time today (sorry mom) so I'll go in about 9 or 10.  :-)    Of course mom and I will go to lunch. 

Cholesterol......gotta keep that thought in my head today while I make my food choices.  Cholesterol is high...gotta get it down so I can avoid meds!   If I need to chant it  "cholesterol, cholesterol, cholesterol" I will.  Ok, i'll do it in my head, the waiter at a restaurant today may think i'm nuts otherwise.

I can do this.....I haven't done good yesterday......or the day before.  Thursday night I kinda lost control when it came time to grab a snack, I grabbed a 100 cal pack to just have a little something special.  I ate that...and then ate two more of them. That is NOT normal.   I can usually stop at 1.  I'd be too embarrassed to say that I ate three of those suckers.  But 3 I did eat.  "Cholesterol, cholesterol, cholesterol"

Chest pains.....please go away!

Ok, my thankful/good thing in life today:   Friends.  I don't have many friends.  Ok, back track that.  I don't have many friends locally.  (that adds to the depression because I feel like my life is a bit empty).    HOWEVER I had someone reach out via email.  Someone I didn't know....just really touched my heart (thanks Diane) and Donna...you to, your comment just brought tears to my eyes.  Everyone else that commented or have emailed.  Thank you.  I am very thankful for the people that ARE in my life.

Deppressive state

Struggling a little bit the last day or so.  And today will be rough as we are having a delayed christmas celebration at work. We delayed our party and our gift exchange because one of my co-workers was in the hospital and we wanted her with us.  So it's today...which means FOOD!    I WILL get this together and keep it together. I haven't been doign too bad...but the scales are notshowing my efforts...but they will!

I'm going to admit, right here and right now. I'm battling a depressive state.  I'm not sure if I would say that I'm categorically depressed.  But I know that it's threatening me.  It's crushing me. It's pushing against me.  And I'll also admit....that it's winning.  Life is just overwhelming me right now. I have some issues going on that just make me want to give up.  To throw up my hands in defeat....even though my heart doesn't want to quit.  I've got these chest pains...coming up on 2 straight solid months.  I laid in bed the other night and just cried because I don't like it.  They are NOT debilitating in their pain. They are just aching.  A nuisance.  But yeah, they hurt. 

 A friend yesterday in an email started a "I'm thankful' thing.  I was saying how life just looks bleak.  She wrote back and said "I'm thankful for my little fluffy dog that is sleeping in my arms right now."  I sat here and tears came to my eyes.  I couldn't find anything that I was thankful for.  I thought.  I pondered.  I REALLY was scrambling to find something.  ANYTHING.  Finally I came up with probably one of the most lame...but ohh so very true things.  I'm thankful for parents that love me unconditionally.   She of course wrote back that I shouldn't forget my brother OR my friend in Indiana. (her).   But it made me start to think.  I need to find something new each day that I'm thankful for.  Today I'm thankful that we have no car payments AND no house payments. Our house/property and all three cars are ours free and clear!

But as i started to think about that. I realized that my photography has taken a hit.  Life is not pretty.  My depressive state makes me see the world as just ho hum.  Bland.  blah.  And thus, I have barely pulled out my camera in the last month or so.  I need to remedy that.  And this morning, even though I didn't have my camera, I saw beauty. I made myself see it and actually focus on it.  The clouds were dark on top.....but underneath the clouds....actually radiating from the bottom of the clouds was a symphony of pink colors...all tucked neatly under the cloud.  Just pure beauty. 

You see.......fake it till you make it.  I will force myself to see the good to see the beauty.  And eventually it will be natural again for me. And as beauty and happiness return....maybe my weight problems will become less of a struggle.  Yeah, I'll still have some of the other issues...but if I'm not so depressed..........

Mid week

I'm plodding along.  I've exercised the last few days.  I've paid the price (chest pains for a few hours afterward) but I've done it. 

Had and ultrasound to check my gall bladder today.  Chest pains persist.  

I'm more than determined to lose the weight.   I had my bloodwork done last week.  The results came back and they called to put me on meds to bring my cholesterol down.  My cholesterol was 225.  HDL was 60 and my LDL was 150.    I'm upset that it's high again.  BUT, when I was previously this weight...it used to be 250-260 so it isn't as high as it's normally been. I also know that losing the weight will get it back in line.  When i was down at my lowest weight my cholesterol was just fine.  So I KNOW that I can get it down naturally.  I'll talk to the doctor next Thursday and basically say "give me 6 months" to see what I can do....and then we'll go from there.  Yeah, the cholesterol is the biggest negative factor toward my heart too......so that's not good at all.

Meanwhile...as of this morning my weight is down about 3 pounds from about a week ago.  (I was up on monday..but twas expected with the monthly ick)   So i'm happy.  I did eat a big breakfast today...and I'll be a few points over tonight.  But i think it will be fine.  :-)

Ok, the weight popped up yesterday.  Not gonna let it get to me.  It was just a crazy day.  

I am proud of myself today.  I had a waffle for breakfast......all was good.  But when they ordered lunch at work I so WANTED to order with them.  THEN they said they were ordering chinese.  I wanted it soo bad.  Ohhh I wanted it.  I could have eaten....but I wasn't hungry at all.  I would have eaten too...even though I wasn't hungry.  BUT, I declined.  EVERYONE here ordered out...except for me that is.  I ordered not.  I sat here and smelled that delicious smelling food.  I'll eat my packed lunch eventually.....fruit and veggies. But you know what...I'm not really hungry yet and I'm not going to eat my packed lunch just because I packed a lunch and just because it's lunchtime. (actually it's already almost 3PM) I'll eat WHEN MY BODY needs it.  At this point...maybe not until I get home for dinner.  It's all good.....i'm listening to my body today.

Hoping to do some kind of activity tonight....even if it is only a game on the xbox.  ANYTHING.  Gotta start small.  :-)

Doctors appointment today.  Back to square one.....the original diagnosis she thinks may have been faulty.  OK OK OK, she didn't say so in so many words....but hello.  So I had ANOTHER EKG done.  My blood pressure was sky high.....I'm having an ultrasound to check my gall bladder and I'll be taking prilosec to see if it helps in case it's acid reflux.  Ohh yes, I'm also having a whole battery of bloodwork done.  JOY JOY.  So basically we are ruling out one thing and then another.  Go figure.  I'm just frustrating.  I'm working on week 7 of this stuff.

The good news...she said since my EKG looked good (and the one at the ER supposedly also) she felt confident allowing me to go back to exercise.  SHe said start out small.  Do you think a zumba session would be small enough?    ROFL     I can tone that down if need be.  LOL

Eating today...not the greatest........grabbed food on the run sinec the doctor was an hour late seeing me...then the additional time of the EKG and then back in to see the doctor again to have her look at the test results.  Ohhh yeah, and the EKG machine wasn't working at first ....wouldn't print...so that took 30 minutes.  SO I had to grab food on the run.  NOT good.

Day one Down

I didn't have a fantastic perfect day yesterday with my eating.  But, I kept it together.  Where I went wrong?  I got home from work and started working on dinner...and I nibbled ...cheese was my downfall last night.  I was getting food out of the fridge and saw some sliced cheese......and I just couldn't resist.    So that was bad.  My water consumption was 'better'  but still not up to par...and yesterday evening I switched to diet Pepsi and finished off the two liter that I had started on Sunday.  So that severely impacted my water intake...because while I was drinking my diet soda...I was NOT drinking the remainder of my water.  Ooops.

I go back to the doctor on Thursday for another follow up visit with my doctor about this chest crud.  I'm hoping that I'm cleared to recommence exercise.  I actually plan on asking this.   "I know that exercise will  'hurt' because physical activity irritates.  BUT will it actually HARM me.  Will it delay my recovery.  Will it do permanent damage?"  If it is not going to HARM me, than I'm going back to exercise....I can take it easier and slower and start up and deal with the annoying pains.    Because I'm to the point that I'm tired of waiting.....it's been 6 weeks.  Well that and my zumba starts up again next Tuesday after the Christmas break.  tee hee hee