stress!

sept-1-2008 (1 of 365), originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Well, are you ready for the Stotler family drama of the day???? I'll go in chronological order.

I stopped at the post office to pick up the mail on the way to work. There were statements from our bank (the one we use most regularly, not the accounts from where I work). So when I got to work I decided to go ahead and balance my checkbooks. All was looking good.....UNTIL I noticed a deposit was not there. However a check that I wrote for cash two days later was posted. I pulled out my receipts and no problem...the receipt is in my book (thank heavens...I'm usually really good about keeping receipts, but every once in a while one gets put somewhere else). I called the bank...they see no record what-so-ever of my money. They are 'investigating' it right now....they should get back to me today. Uhhhhhhh I'm not happy about this at all. I called them more than 3 hours ago.....I read all of the information off the receipt...so they have the exact time date, teller info...everything from the transaction. I'm going to call back in another hour or so and raise stink. This is ridiculous. I have a stinkin' receipt! Give me my money and figure out what messed up convoluted error you made on your own after MY money is back in my account! So that is drama one...I'm currently on hold awaiting their call.

Secondly. Todd had cancellation this morning (THANK GOODNESS) and went home to pick up something. He noticed Desi, laying on the bed licking himself profusely. Everywhere he licked, he left a strip of blood. Yes, you read that right. I asked if it was his poor little scabs...did one break open and was he bleeding. Todd was like, "NO, it's coming from his mouth!" Called the vet and they said bring him right up. Todd headed up to town (20 minute drive of course). By the time he got there, he said the blood was gushing from the cats mouth. (the towel that was in the cat carrier was covered wit blood when he brought it home). They rushed Deebs right in and quickly acertained that he has a huge gash (hole) in his mouth. They rushed Desi into emergency surgery to put repair this issue. The good news.....Todd had that cancellation and had forgotten a piece of paper and went home to get it at 10:30 instead of at 1PM when he was planning on going back for lunch and to pick up that paper. The vet said that at the rate that he was bleeding, that he would have bleed to death within an hour or two. So we miraculously found him sooner because of a cancellation with the studio. Thus, I'm waiting for a call from the vet also!

The vet told todd that he could have gotten into a fight with another cat. I asked Todd, "did you check the other cats when you noticed Desi" He was like, no, I just scooped up desi and ran. So I left work and rushed home to check on the other babies. None had a leg dangling or an eye missing. Ethel however seems to be walking very gently...favoring her back end. SOOOO my co-worker and I came up with this scenario. Desi attacked Ethel.....Ethel fought back. When Ethel fights she uses her back legs and roto-tills on him. Her claw got him in the mouth, and somehow in the fray (probably with him panicked with a wound in his mouth...possibly she panicked with her claw stuck in the flesh of his mouth) she twisted and has caused her back end to be sensitive. Oh the drama never ends at our house.

And all this worry makes me want to eat eat eat!


The picture on today's post is of my baby that's in surgery today. Desi!

Heritage days!

I have no clue what I weigh today. Nor will I know. Yesterday was absolutely crazy!!!! It was the day of the Sharpsburg Heritage Days! Todd and I were up at 5AM. I threw some bread in the toaster and had breakfast bright and early. We were in town by 6AM and I was unloading all of our sound gear and lights from our vehicle. I helped set up stuff until 7:45 when it was time for me to walk across the parking lot into the bank. I worked until noon and then I went outside. As I somehow ended up with the title of photagrapher for the event, I was busy taking pictures (I was able to leave my job and run outside to get a few things in the morning also). I went to grab lunch an hour or so later and the place that was selling Chicken was sold out!!! YIKES! That left me with steamers or hot dogs from a local church....or crab cakes. Uhhhhhhhhhhhh I don't do beef and I DEFINITELY don't do crabcakes! I ended up finding a country ham sandwich and an apple dumpling for lunch. Dinner rolled around. Todd was fine (he had gotten his chicken early...and for dinner he had a crabcake). For dinner...the ham sandwiches were gone.....and quite honestly most of the food venders were totally gone or sold out. Uhhhhhh....what do do ....what to do. Well, I did the only thing a food addict WOULD do. I went to the ice cream shop and had a nice big dish of ice cream! YES! I ate three scoops! Heath, Strawberry and Chocolate for you foodies out there that are salivating! Ok, before I go on....I did stick with fat free yogurt and didn't go straight up ice cream!!! The music finally ended at 10...we loaded up our gear and came home. So I had a grilled cheese, 100 cal pack of chocolate covered pretzels and a jelly pudding cup (60 cal) at about midnight. Sooo my eating was a bit out of the ordinary. Ohh yeah,and add to the fact that I didn't drink nearly enough. (there was no way.....I didn't go to the bathroom ALL day...so I KNOW I dehydrated myself!)

My saving grace? From 5AM until pretty much 11:30PM I was on my feet and moving! Who knows how it will shake out. But I am not going to let one day derail me!

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying

About a week or two ago Todd and I watched one of my all time favorite movies....the Shawshenk Redemption. And of course having that movie in my head emphasized my choice that I'm making right now. That choice? To live.

It's been no secret. I've gained weight over the last year. I'm not happy with myself over this, but that's a whole other ball game....er post. I was only half way committed to the weight loss journey and therefore I lost control and gained. Finally it hit me. I have two choices. I can get busy living or be busy dying. Literally. I can chose healthy foods, healthy activities and lose the weight and live. Or I can continue eating poorly, ignore exercise and die. I can live or I can die. How can this be that I'm chosing life or death?

Lets go with death first. The larger I get the more miserable I feel. Aches and pains that I had long forgotten. I don't have the energy that I had at a lower weight. In essence my quality of life has diminished because of added weight. I know that to gain more would continue to lower that level. I'm not saying that I can't be a happy fat girl...I just know that it's more difficult for every day things. My arthritic knees bother me more. Back pains. Stomach aches (they were constant). You name it. But even beyond the diminished quality of life is the fact that the added weight could very well eventually kill me. There are quite a few weight related illnesses out there. One of them would surely eventually catch up to me and get me. So yes, death very well could be closer on the horizon with a heavier weight.

Soooo not lets talk about life. Well, there's not much to talk about except to say that my energy levels are outstandingly higher with each pound of extra weight that is gone from my body. My arthritis doesn't bother me nearly as much. Stomach pains.....rare. My bloodwork came back so much better at a lower weight...showing me that my risks for some of these illnesses was greatly reduced. I was able to lead a much more productive life and I knew that that life was better protected because of the lifestyle I was leading. Losingi and maintaining a weight loss is to chose life.

Soooo I have a choice every time I look in the refridgerator. I can get busy living or I can get busy dying. I have a choice every time I am waffling back and forth between going to the gym or skipping it. I can get busy living or I can get busy dying. The choice is that simple!

Gym gym gym. Yes, I made it to the gym again today! My legs muscles are still sore...although it's a very dull soreness now. My back is still tender. I started on the elliptical, but moved to a bike at the gym as the eliiptical bothered my back. :-)

Eating wise....I'm getting this down. And my weight dropped today!

Moving along on my quest!

Well....woke up this morning and could barely move. My lower back sometimes gives me grief. (yeah yeah yeah...I'm falling apart, my knees, my upperback/shoulder, what's next). I usually just use it and overextend it...but more commonly I find that while sleeping todd flips his leg over me and if I'm laying lower in the bed (which I usually am becuase a cat is sharing my pillow...so of course I lay lower in the bed to allow the cat to stretch out). Anyway, if I'm laying lower in the bed his leg then rests across my lower back...which pulls my back out of alignment...and causes me pain int he morning. SOoo this morning was one of those lucky mornings. I made it through work and came home. Determined to work out. Todd cancelled on me (for good reasons this time) so I didn't go to the gym. Not to fear, not to fear. I still sucked it up and hopped onto the recumbent bike here at our house and read while I rode for a bit. So I'm still on track!

Eating. I'm within my points...my portions are ok...I just need to really focus on chosing the BEST choices for myself!!

Worked out again this morning at the gym!!! Two days of gym visitation down! Two days of good activity before that!!! So four days of having activity back in my life. WOO HOO!

Eating yesterday. Well, I planned it all so well. But I didn't take into account that my 'normal' lunch that I usually take to work with me was not going to hold a candle to what I've been eating this past week. Soo the fruits and veggies and light lunch just didn't cut it. Therefore at about 4PM, I found myself just eating and eating and eating at work! It was nuts! I didn't do bad with my points, Todd was gone in the evening so I was able to adjust my nighttime eating to accomodate what I had gorged on earlier. Today was better. Of course I had a larger lunch (todd and I ate at together at lunch today). I took a banana to eat at 4...when I knew the munchies would hit! I have stayed within my points allotment thus far this evening. I have one point left. Probably a piece of fruit for me later this evening.

Speaking of this evening...The Biggest Loser is coming on!!! Woo hooo!

COOOOKIES

COOOOKIES, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Ate wayyyy to much fair food at the Renaissance Festival yesterday. The food was fabulous. The entertainment enthralling and it was just a plain good fun day. We walked a whole lot!!!! It was my last hurrah before returning to work and I vowed that my return to work would also usher in my new focus on exercise and eating right.

Promise Kept, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

But, I kept my promise. Back to work today.....and my vow to myself was that I would get myself back under control with not only my eating, but back on track with my exercise. SOOO this morning the alarm went off at 6AM, I rolled myself out of bed and went to the gym first thing!!! My eating is planned out and I plan on making this a super fabulous day!

reflections

reflections, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I've been busy. My friend came in LATE on Friday night. We slept in on Saturday and then hit the stores on Saturday afternoon and then dinner out (with my parents). Sunday morning we woke up early and headed for the beach. We came home on Monday night late. Yesterday we did some things local to my house...which included an official tour of the antietam battlefield for her. We've been up late talking (or in the case of last night, watching movies).

Food......not the greatest! But I've enjoyed EVERY dang bite of it. I've eaten things that I don't normally eat.....french fries (once), pizza...well, that's not too abnormal, a burger (yeah, that's rare for me now), and while Italian is not abnormal, we've had it twice. :-) I'm sure my weight is up a bit. I'll know shortly (whenever I motivate to move myself toward the bathroom to shower).

We take her back to the airport today. Todd and I are planning to join the new gym ASAP!!!

REALLY Freaking out about my bike ride on Saturday as I've...well....I"m so not ready for it physically! I am tickled though to be seeing our friends Donna and Andy!

food food everywhere

I totally lost control of my eating last night. Totally. Unequivicably. Just plain out of control. I had the menu planned out for the day and I knew what I was doing. However, at about 2 or 3 Todd asked if I would mind switching up what what was for dinner. He has a cold and is just feeling plain outright miserable and for him that affects the kinds of food he wants to eat. Of course I could switch. So I did...to cold cuts, mac salad and I bought some fat free pringles to accompany the meal. Hey, we did have watermelon for dessert! The change, while probably still in my points allowance for the day (I had eaten really wisely throughout the day) just did me in though. And I was hungry the rest of the night. I had ice cream (low fat/fat free.....and since I divy it up into 1/2 cup containers, I only did have one serving), I had a handful of pringles. I had a 100 cal bag of chocolate covered pretzels. And I had a frozen fruit bar. What's up with that? Finally I called it quits and went to bed!

I didn't weigh myself this morning. I'll face the scales tomorrow! Unless my friend really fouled up this week, I've lost the competition. Not a problem....I'm mad at myself for not using the opportunity to actuallly really get some weight loss going, but I've got my head on straight about it now and I'm ready to roll!

I didn't keep all that great track of my eating From Friday through last night. I kinda sorta did. I had some slip ups (Longhorn Steakhouse with that fabulous Parmesan Garlic crusted Chicken that was over 1000 calories)and some meals of simply not counting my points or even calories (last night my parents came to dinner). We ate out on Friday at Longhorn, Saturday at Chipotle (uhhh yeah, blew a lot of points on that burrito I found out after the fact..but it was REALLY tasty), Sunday we stopped at Blimpies and got subs and split a bag of chips. So I ate out a lot. Sunday I had those chips...super salty and on both sunday and monday I didn't drink even half of what I normally drink! But I bravely stepped onto the scales this morning. 208.4. WOOOOOOO So I dropped! Even with some probable water retention and my not so best eating choices! AMEN! I was active active active though!

Speaking of active...I'm really getting nervous about my bike ride coming up. My knees are aching. I'm actually somewhat afraid to ride because of my knees. So I think I'm just going to ride the exercise bike while I can and grit my teeth and bare it on that ride. Should be interesting!

Busy Beaver

I am so utterly sore it's not funny! I'm sore my back will loosen up as the day progresses. My legs are already feeling a bit better but whew!

Yesterday started early with me picking tomatoes in the garden. About a bushel ful of tomatoes were picked. I then came in and started working. I put them through the food mill and got about a third of that bubbling away in a stock pot, a third bubbling away in a crock pot and a third in a container waiting for an open burner on the stove. I got my water bath canner rolling and started in on my 3 bushels of apples (probably closer to 3.5 bushels when I added in the apples I bought last week.). As I was working I noticed that the house was becoming more and more humid and hotter and hotter. By 12:30 it was about 90 degrees in here but the worst of it, the air conditioning system kept powering totally down. It would restart, reset and run for about a minute and then power down. I was freakin' out! Not good when you have stuff bubbling away and spewing more hot air into your house. In the midst of this I sliced open my finger pretty badly. After the finger slicing I had a bit of a meltdown, crying and sobbing...oh yeah, the whole nine yards. BUT when I gathered myself together I was able to think clearly. I switched from canning my applesauce to freezing it. That removed the canner and all that hot steam from the kitchen. I then focused on getting everything done as fast as possible. Todd and I worked and worked and did it. I was in prayer the whole time about our heat pump! I knew that the guy that we would have come look at it was busy during the day so there was no use to call him at that point. My prayers were answered......Todd all of a sudden thought about the condensation drain. Sure enough, it was clogged! He unclogged it and it started to work. We still had a bunch of stuff on the stove, so the temps didn't drop quite as quickly as we would have liked, but we were tickled!

For lunch we had hot dogs (turkey dogs for me..and yes, I had two), mac and cheese and applesauce. For dinner we ran up to town and ate at chipotle where I had a vegetarian burrito (with sour cream, cheese and gaucamole!) and todd and I split and order of chips and salsa. So my eating was not totally up to par yesterday, BUT I was on my feet all day (after dinner we slipped into Best Buy..we were there for about 2-3 hours buying some new toys). Then of course we came home and had to tear down our old toys and start putting the new toys in place! So other than sitting to eat and sitting to drive up to town (and a little sitting/kneeling while working late in the evening) I was up, on my feet and active from about 8Am on Saturday until about 1AM on Sunday morning. Which leads us to my weight this morning....

I was a little nervous about my weight this morning. Afterall, I had a HUGE point meal on Friday night (delicious) and yesterdays foods weren't the best in points I can imagine. Sour cream???? Guacamole??? (I'll figure my points in a few minutes here...for the reckoning). But my weight was 209.6. So I dropped! Whew!

Longhorn Steakhouse

Last night we went out to dinner with friends. Had the most delightful time, I'm surprised that they didn't kick us out....we lost track of time. Got there at 6 and we left the restaurant at 11. Like I said, good time!

The problem. Longhorn Steakhouse....parmesan crusted chicken. Looked up the calories today. 1080 calories! JUST for the chicken! YIKES! It was soooo good though! I also had a sweet pototo (with butter and cinnamon), a salad with honey mustard dressing (they forgot the cheese on my salad...thank goodness, I don't think I needed it...wanted it, but didn't need it and ironically enough, I didn't realize it was missing until this morning) and one piece of bread! Uhhh yeah, I blew yesterday! NO, I blew one meal! I actually walked into that meal with having 21 points alloted. (I ate really healthy for breakfast and lunch...lots of zero pointers...stuff like green beans!) No worries. I'm back on it today. And today is a high level activity day with the apples!!!

Here I am another day down on the eating right journey. The scales were not overly friendly today as it showed me .6 pounds up. But I'm not worried. We had hot dogs (turkey dogs for me, soy for Todd) and baked beans last night for dinner. (hey, I got home at 6:15 and we had to be somewhere at 6:45....hot dogs are QUICK...pop those babies on the grill and by the time the baked beans are warmed, the dogs are ready). So we are talking sodium city. Then after the meeting at about 8:50 Todd and I hit up the ice cream shop. I had the points, but eating it late (and weighing in earlier this morning than normal) may have affected it. And if the slight gain wasn't from either of those things...then it's just simply a fact of nature, because I stayed within my points and was on track yesterday!

I'm hoping to pick up some apples today and do my applesauce tomorrow. I just want this canning to be over. I've canned a TON of stuff this year. I'm ready to put the canning stuff away, clean up my kitchen for good and go back to normality. :-) But a huge huge huge day of canning means a lot of activity and movement on my part. Big canning days are usually a boost to my weight loss efforts....because it's 12-14 hours or straight up movement. I usually even eat on the run. :-)

Soul Searching and total honesty

Back already to write an update! I finished writing my daily entry to my blog in my ramble fashion and I started reading other blogs. Then I got to this one. This is a post about food addiction written by the Scale Junkie. Very thought provoking. Why did it hit me so hard? I've readily admitted that I'm a food junky on more than one occasion. BUT, I have never opened myself up to full honesty. Outwardly I'm doing everything right. But I'm gaining or not losing. In reality, I was skirting on the edge of doing right....for most of the time. Sometimes I fell over the edge into 'poor eating' and at others I skip into the healthy eating realm. But never totally one way or the other. I wrote post after post lamenting my lack of progress and even my weight gains. But I wasn't being honest with myself. I had admitted that I had a food addiction, but i was still hiding it. No more. Total honesty, no matter how badly it makes me look.

Sooo I'll start this new realm off with some confessions.

1. My bike ride this morning that I mentioned in passing....I didn't even make it 30 minutes. I only did 20 minutes. No wait...total honesty.....I rode 19 minutes and 23 seconds before giving up and going back to laze mode!

2. Yesterday, while I still ate ok and managed my food and showed a loss this morning...the boredom got me at work in the afternoon. I ate a handful of pretzels, a handful of tortilla chips and 5 pieces of salt water taffy. I counted my points and monitored my eating the rest of the day, but I caved to the temptation of my addiction. (see, I glossed over that fact....yeah, I still came out on top...but I lost control of my addiction...and the only reason i stopped was because I ate a piece of taffy and didn't like the flavor)

3. My weight. I've admitted that I've gained some. I've shared that I'm losing again. But I've never talked about how much I've gained. I've glossed over the down and dirty figures. Last fall, just about a year ago, I was terribly proud because I was showing a huge weight loss. Well over a hundred pounds. I had reached the weight that my doctor thought was a good one for me, 180 pounds. I had made lifetime at weight watchers (based on my doctors recommendation...he said I could go lower, but 180 was the high end of where he thought I should be.) I felt good with my body, yeah, I would like to go lower but i was happy. And then I went on vacation. I splurged and ate. I ate some more. And then even more. I came back and i weighed close to 189 pounds. Instead of jumping right back on the plan, I continued my unhealthy habits. Sometimes. I never went totally off the plan, but I was never hard core with eating healthy. I splurged more often than I should have and worked out less often. Soon I saw 190 pounds. Then 195. Before I knew it I was back at 199 pounds facing that huge dividing line. 200. Yes, I hit 200 and kept going. Still vowing to get it under control...I was trying ya know. My attempt was just half hearted. 205 came and then 208. I started a competition with a friend when I weighed 208.8...a few short months ago. I was still only half heartedly working on this...yet trying to convince myself and the world that I had my food addiction under control. The scales said something different. Last Saturday I stepped on the scales and saw 217. Yes, that is still just about 100 pounds from where I first started...but that is also almost 40 stinkin' pounds from where I was a year ago. That is not cool but what is totally not acceptable is the fact that I've been lying to myself and skirting the truth. I messed up. I'm happy to say that in the last week I've dropped and my weight was exactly 210.0 this morning! Yes, I've done really well this week!

That is all the half truths that I can think of from my most recent entries that I can think that need to be set straight. And as hard as it has been to admit...I feel better for it.

Happy Thursday! Or is it happy? I'm at work after a lazy morning at home. I woke up and just laid around in the living room. Watching the news. Now I am so not a news junky. Todd watches the news all the time, so I dont' feel the need to watch it on my own...I hear enough just from when he watches it when I'm around. Soooo you can realize how lazy I was when I say that I was too lazy to even find the remote to change the channel. Yes, there is a hospital in Cleveland that is one of the best in the country and they have some of the lowest health care costs around. How??? Well, since I heard this report at 6:30 and again somewhere around 8, I know! I did garner my energy and I did hop on the exercise bike for a short ride. So at least I did something. I did pack my lunch for work and had my breakfast so I didn't just throw everything aside for a live of laziness.

So here I am at work....I've already had 1/3 of the total amount of transactions that I had yesterday and I'm only 1 hour in. Still boring..because 7 transactions in an hour are not all that much...but I'll take what I can get. I'm reeling though...they seem to have blocked facebook!!! That was my daily entertainment! Oh well. I've still got blogger! LOL

My weight was down even further today. Four Tenths of a pound today, so it is slowing down...but still moving in the right direction at least!

mf

Boredom Eating

Boredom. Boredom is a very real and serious issue that I face day in and day out. My job. I'm tickled to have a job in this economy. I'm tickled that my job is so close to home (no small feat in Sharpsburg). I'm tickled that I don't have a job that 'comes home with me' in the evenings. BUT, my job is soooooo very boring. When we have customers it's not all that bad. However, we don't have all that many customers coming in and out at this point. So we sit. For hours we sit! NOOOOOO, it's not that customers don't want to come to me to have them wait on me....none of us have that many customers. So I sit here. I peruse the interent. I play games on the internet. I write in my blog (yup, second entry this morning....in two hours no less). I read other blogs (maybe I should add more to my list of ones that I read). I read books. I clip coupons. I try to do what I can to keep myself busy here. But it never truely masks the fact that I'm bored! And with boredom comes boredom eating. I got to work at 10 this morning and by 10:15 I was already starting to think about when I could eat lunch and what is in my lunch box. I play a game with myself to hold off on eating my lunch as long as possible. Simply because as soon as lunch is eaten and all is put away, I'm back to being bored. And then i start to think about food again. And let me tell you...the afternoons....from noon until we close at 6 is a LONG stretch to be bored and thinkign about food. Boredom eating is a huge issue!

The only thing that saves me is the fact that I pack my lunch. When the food in my lunch box is gone, I'm done eating. The bad thing? I know taht there are chips in the cabinet just over yonder. I will freely admit that there have been times in the not so distant past where after the lobby is closed that I have snuck over to that cabinet (the drive through person is facing the other direction) and tried to ever so quietly open up a bag of chips and get a light snack. (not only do I eat from boredom, but I'm also a closet eater). Sad, I know.

I deal with roughly 40 hours each week of this intense boredom. My will is being constantly tested. Food is in my thoughts for a good portion of that. Why? Because old habits die hard. I'm a food addict plan and simple. It (food) fills my thoughts much of my time. Is this something that I will ever change? I'm actually thinking no. I think that food will occupy most of my thoughts for the rest of my life. I'm ok with that though...because I'm constantly learning and evolving and learning how to deal with this addiction.

Joy joy...the downward slide (downward on the scales that is) continueth! Down even further today! I have to confess....I did not ride my bike this morning. I woke up and stumbled to my computer where I did the facebook thing, checked my email and read all the new posts on some of the blogs that I read...and just putzed around online. Lazy butt that I am. I work until 6 and I've got a realatively easy meal planned for Todd and I. After that, I have already politely asked (aka informed) my husband that we are goign to get some things done around the house. The screened in porch is in shambles! I know a lot of that is my fault as when I'm canning I run out and root through things to get the jars that I need. But tonight it will be organized! We also should mow the lawn. I may have him mow it and I'll follow up with the rake and gather up all those wonderful clippings for the compost pile! Wait, maybe I'll work on the trees that he cut down! Something. I'm just going to try to be active tonight!

Soooo did anyone read the article on brain function and obesity? Yes, apparently obese people have diminished brain capabilities. Just one more thing to scare us!

You know, I can't help but love that stage when you first get yourself back in line with your eating. The weight just drops off like nothing else! Ahhh yes, I'm in THAT stage! Wonder how long my body will continue to be really kind to me and drop weight like mad? I have a feeling not too much longer. I think I've probably dropped all the water weight and whatnot that my body can muster. However, I'd be tickled with one more day! ~~bottoms up on the water~~

I woke up this morning and pondered riding my bike to work again. I ended up chosing to not. HOWEVER, I did ride my exercise bike this morningi for 30 minutes. Yeah yeah yeah, I used to do an hour and a half. But you know....for my recent activity level, 30 minutes is spectacular! And I can't look at wwht used to be...I need to look at now and look to the future! So I'm proud of myself...formal exercise two days in a row! (watch out...it may snow).

I've brought in my recipe book. I have a friend coming to visit in a week and a half. She and I have been struggling and we both talked about the fact that we don't want to gain while she is here. It would be sooo darn easy too. But I'm planning on cooking at home some, which will help. We have also decided to set aside one splurge day. Not as an excuse to go hog wild...but to monitor our splurge. I'm thinking it may be the day we go to the ocean....that would probably be the wisest course since we will be leaving the house EARLY and getting back LATE (it's about three to three and a half hours one way to the beach). So most likely we will be eating all meals that day on the go...less control. PLUS, we'll be walking on the boardwalk and such while we are there...for activity. So anyway, I'm planning as many low points meals as possible so that it can counteract any higher points meals that we may eat out. I know Taco Soup is one of the things. I'm also thinking burritos. For a snack maybe some Sorbet Oh yum, thinking about pizza casserole, only 7 points for a big serving! Sooo that's my plan for the day!

Monday madness

I'm not feeling so extremist today. I don't think I'll be lobbing off an arm or a leg simply as a way to lose pounds. I'll hold that thought though for the future should the need arise. haa haa haa

My weight has dropped in the last two days. So I'm feeling remotely better about that. It's still high high high. But it's dropping and I'm not stopping until it does. Yesterday I calculated my points carefully and planned out my eating. I stayed within my points and all was good. I was also really active. I woke up at about 6 AM and went out and picked tomatoes, green peppers and zucchinis. The green peppers and zucchinis were for mom, the tomatoes...well joy joy, they were for me to preserve. So I worked on tomatoes all morning. After they were done, I cleaned the house and had just enough time to grab lunch, shower and then head up to Hagerstown. Mom and I went to the movies to see Julie and Julia. I really liked the movie. It was inspiring. Inspiring me to be more creative and try more recipes. No, I'm not the french cuisine type girl, so I have no desire to do the exact same thing. But it reminds me of my goal to try more recipes...which I have done. I go through spurts and try a lot and then go through weeks on end where I just cook the good old stand-by meals. But anyway, I digress....I liked the movie. Just a little feel good movie.

After the movie mom and I swung up through Smithsburg and I stopped at the orchard and picked up my pears. (and some other fruit to eat fresh). I skeddaddled on home and started the long process of canning my pears for the upcoming year. Todd came home midway through so I stopped, made dinner and then picked back up and finished those pears. (todd helped....what a great husband!) So I was on my feet all day working!

This morning I woke up early and went to the kitchen and put away the now dried dishes from my last washing last night. I also wiped down the jars from last night and put them away. I took out the last bowl of compost from last night and turned the compost pile. There is something about the steam rising from the compost pile that just excites me. (yeah, I'm weird I know). I picked the blossoms off the first year of our everbearing strawberries (about 75 plants) and I made breakfast for todd and I. The kitchen was cleaned up once again. I showered and packed my stuff and hopped onto my bike to ride into work. Yes, you read that right. I rode my bike to work. First time on the road since June 6th! I've been on my bike a handful of times, but it has been on the canal...flat flat flat. I will say that I'm feeling it. 2.5 miles and I'm feeling it. AND I of course have to ride home tonight. Oh well...I've got to get used to it. I'm pretty much to the do or die.....sink or swim time. I've got 3 weeks until my next organized ride. I don't want to be miserably sore. So I know that i need to be out on my bike a few times a week until then!

Ok, this makes no earthly sense. I carefully counted my points yesterday. I ate wisely at dinner. I did it right. And I gained? I gained??? WTF? Why don't I just go ahead and lob off one of my appendages. I mean, my arm must weight what....5 pounds? 10 pounds?

Taco soup!

Taco soup.....sooo yummy!

http://maryfransmenu.blogspot.com/2009/08/taco-soup.html

BIke news

January 12, 2009 (134 of 365), originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I love my Trek. It has been with me through thick and thin...through the loss of 100 plus pounds. And I do not plan on getting rid o my Trek. I'll be keeping that for riding on the canal. My trek is what is known as a comfort bike, so not really a mountain bike not really a....well not really anything else. I love it. But you sit more upright and it just isn't that efficient. So I do believe it's time to buy a road bike. I'm looking at the jamis Ventura Comp. I was looking at the sport, but I do believe I'm going to upgrade to the comp. We'll have to see.

Food thus far today is rolling. . I haven't eaten taht many points, but they were foods that really filled me up and satisfied me (taco soup...yummy! and only 1 point per 1 cup!). That helps the points along when you eat 2 cups of very fillling soup for 2 points!

I did eat a bit at work yesterday, but I thought I managed quite nicely. So I stepped on the scales this morning. I was down about a half of pound (.6 to be exact). I'll take it. I am thus far on track today with my eating. I've figured out what I'm having for dinner and what I ahd for breakfast and lunch. I did have a snack here at work (leftovers from yesterdays party, but I have the points for it so all is well). And yes, even with the snacks, my food choices for today will have given me plenty of fruits and veggies. :-)

Here I am. I had a pretty good day food wise yesterday. Kept it together. Today I'm determined to forego the birthday pot luck meal that's sitting here in all it's glory. I know that if I start, just to even 'try' something, that I will not stop eating. SOOOO I'm not starting. I brought a fruit tray, so there is something for me to nibble so that I don't seem so anti-social. It also helps that I leave here today at noon...so I won't be tempted all day long!

My weight...stayed exactly the same from yesterday morning to this morning. But that's ok...it's going to go down!

options and feelings

So I was writing a response to a blog entry today and wrote that after a day of eating lots of good things that there are a myriad of feelings and emotions pouring through me. They include

1. Euphoria over the lingering memories of the delicious tasting food.
2. Physical illness from eating foods that my body is not accustomed to (or should I say in the quantity that my body is not accustomed to).
3. Mentally kicking myself for binging. Self disgust if you will.

Yeah, it's kinda confusing to have all of these emotions and feelings coursing through my body. But after I typed it and I'm sitting here at work, I realized that I need to make the choice. I can feel any or all of those emotions OR I can feel some other emotions and feelings......

4. Empowerment-received when I'm on top of my eating and beating my food addiction.
5. Physically strong-the food that my body is receiving gives me energy and a vivaciousness because it is what my body needs and in the quantity that my body needs.
6. Happiness and a growing respect for healthy foods. The more I eat them, the better some things taste.
7. A slight feeling of missing out from not eating the foods that I'm addicted to.

Soooo i have an option of 6 feelings. Some will go hand in hand. But my food choices will affect how I feel. Is that euphoric feeling really worth having the effects of numbers 2 and 3? On the flip side, are the wonderful feelings and emotions of numbers 4-6 enough to outweigh and overpower the negative of 7???

Sooo that is my deep thoughts for the day.

Lesson learned (again). It is easier to resist totally when it comes to food That mantra of "just one bite" does not work for me. I get the taste in my mouth and I continue to eat. It is easier to NOT even start!

Another Switch

I am so bummed out. We had grand plans to take a long bike ride this weekend! But with my knee, I know that it wouldn't be wise. I thought about sucking it up and just doing it. But considering that walking alone is about enough to make me cry.....and it pushes me over the edge and does make me gasp, well.....biking just doesn't seem wise!

I will freely admit. The extra weight that I've put on this winter and early summer is not helping. I used to have lots of knee issues...but they almost totally disappeared with the weight loss. Ironic that I've gained a bit of weight and the knee pain is back eh?

SOooo, last night I was thinking about this whole mess. A few months ago I put away the weight watchers stuff and switched back to counting my calories. I had started originally with calorie counting and lost my first 25 (or so) pounds via calorie counting. But then I joined weight watchers and I lost the rest of it through counting points. POints became ingrained in my head. Everything I ate was no longer simply food....it was a point. (or two or three...). I needed something to spark me to lose again so I switched back to calories. I think the break was good...but the calorie counting isn't working for me. Yeah, food has calories, but I don't look at the food in the same way that I did with points. Probably because calories are sooo subjective. Yeah, points are to..but it's easier to keep track of 20 some points versus 1500 calories! So as of this morning I dug out my weight watcher books and I'm going back to counting the weight watcher way. It's kinda weird....I was thinking about breakfast and I was like, "I think that has such and such amount of points"...but I don't know the exact. Which is good...it will make me double check everything! :-)

What the h e double hockey sticks is happening! I was fine this morning. I moved around the house with no problem. I drove to work (all 5 minutes of the drive) and I was fine. I walked into work and all was well. But somehow, somewhere my knee is just KILLING me! It's downright terrible! Yeah yeah yeah, I know that I must have moved it wrong...twisted it weirdly or something. But I don't want to deal with this. It's bad enough that I'm limping. It's nutty. And we have a big bike ride planned for this weekend. This SUCKS! I will try to keep my pain a secret...because I want to go on my ride!!!

disgust

I was thinking about this whole thing and I've realized that I'm just plain disgusted with myself. Disgusted that that I seemingly have no control over myself (as weird as that sounds). Disgusted at what i eat. Disgusted at what I weigh. Disgusted at how my clothes fit (or don't fit as the case may be).

Yes, it's my fault...but that doesn't stop the problem or take away the self disgust.

I don't even know what to say about dinner last night. Well, I'll start and say that what I did order tasted heavenly! However, I had the choice of ...oh wait...I really didn't have a choice when it came down to it. The menu was heavy heavy seafood...which I do not eat. They had on vegetarian dish....portabello something or over...but I don't eat mushrooms. And they had two or three beef dishes...but oh yeah, I don't eat beef. So i had the choice of one thing. Stuffed chicken...stuffed with proccettio (spelling?) and gouda. Served over a bed of fettucine alfredo. It was garnished with...joy of joys....steamed zucchini. Not that I don't like zucchini...but it's coming out of every orafice of my body as it is...so to go out to eat and get it on the side (I wasn't aware that it would be on the side...not that it would have made any difference). That was the only chicken meal on the menu! So that is what I got. After we ate we ran to the store. We've got a couple parties coming up at work in the next week..so I've got some baking to do......so I had to pick up a few things. We saw the ice cream aisle and low and behold we just had to buy some for mudslides...which we had when we got home. Sooooo not a blockbuster of a day eating wise!!! At least I got that ride in yesterday morning.

Didn't ride this morning...but we did go for a walk! That counts for something doesn't it????

Todd and I were watching Dr. G Medical Examiner last night on Tv. The show was centered upon diagnosis' that are basically a result of poor choices by the decedent. The first guy was a guy that weighed 400 pounds....Dr. G. talked about how the obesity of this patient just made things so much more difficult in diagnosis...even after his death. What got me and just really made me think was when she was talking about how she had to cut through 8-10 inches of fat before she could even see the organs. And then it was a battle of moving all of that fat out of the way. She talked about how during an autopsy of an obese person, that everything is just so greasy. Greasey? That is what got me. Grease? Well, yeah, it makes sense...fat is basically coagulated grease (well, kinda). But that is what got to me....that my stomach, is a big pile of grease. Well looky there. I looked at Todd and he looked at me. I had just finished my brownie and a glass of milk. He still had a few bites of his brownie and ice cream (he had ice cream, I chose not to) to eat. We both looked at our plates...mine empty and his with a few bites and it put a whole new spin on eating junk food.

Productive this morning. Woke up and got all of the laundry done. (well, the last load is in the dryer and needs folded). Washed the dishes (how do they pile up so quickly...I had cleaned them all after dinner last night). I played with lil' mertz. Checked my email. AND I hopped on that darn bike and rode this morning!

Now to just get my eating under control today. We are going out to eat with friends tonight to a place I've never been...so I'm not sure how I'll do. I'll try my best though.

Soooo...does dehydration from Sunday cause a headache on Monday? Because I surely do have a headache and a half. And I'm sluggish as all get out. I feel as if I lack any sort of energy. Whew. I am sitting here guzzling the water. I need to get myself back on track with that....and if possible wipe out the effects of yesterday. Because while I actually drank well over a gallon of water yesterday it was so stinkin' hot that well......it wasn't enough apparently. It wasn't until I was going to bed that I realized that I hadn't had to use the bathroom since I had awoken....even after drinking well over a gallon of water throughout the day!

The knee this morning is ok. Still not quite right but not painful. So that's all that matters.

lock gate lock 3

lock gate lock 3, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Todd and I woke up early this morning and we were determined to get out on the canal early and beat the heat. So off we headed. Ok, ok ok, by the time we actually got ourselves and the bikes loaded into the car it wasn't all that early...but you get the point. Sooo we headed to Edwards Ferry. There is no ferry there anymore, but there is parking and it just happened to be the beggining point for a section of the canal that we had never been on. Mapquest (yeah yeah yeah...my bad for using and relying on mapquest) told me it was about an hour and fifteen minutes from the house. Uhhh no. Ohhh yeah, and the directions were wrong. But no problem.....we just went on down to Rockville and hopped onto the canal at Great Falls. And thusly we decided to bike into DC....Georgetown to be exact. Right at about 29 miles total. Did I say it was stinkin' hot? Oh yeah and it was probably about 10:30 or 11 by the time we actually got on the bike. Oh yeah, and did I mention that since the original plan was to bike early we planned on lunch after the ride. Uhhh yeah...you see the problem. Well first of all, it was a delightful ride. It only felt hot when we stopped (on the way back that was frequently for pictures). We also stopped at Fletchers and I got an extra drink (gatorade) and Todd got a dr. Pepper. (thank heavens). We didn't get back to the car until what was it...2??? Maybe even 2:30 (no, we don't bike at any great speed....we cruise and lets not forget we stop for pictures!) We were hungry campers! HUNGRY! Hungry is actually not even a strong enough word. I had had toast for breakfast at 7AM. NOT enough to fuel me for a bunch of hours on a bike in 95 plus degree weather! Oh yeah, and my pesky arthritis started to kick at about mile 15 and by the time I got back to the car, I was literally in tears with the pain. As we drove out of the parking lot I was literally sobbing in pain. By the time we got to the restaurant (Bertucci's) the pain had subsided but my knee still has twitches of pain and just feels 'not quite right'.

But anyway.....it was a GREAT ride. LOVED the day!

lucy

lucy, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yes, this is my doll baby Lucy. She's having some issues as she is not really happy that we have brought a kitten into the house. BUT, Lucy hates to have her picture taken so to get a picture of her so calm and still is somewhat rare. How did we do it? Last night we had lil' mertz out in the living room and we were playing with her. Desi and Ethel of course joined in on the fun. Lucy sat and kept her eye on the imposter kitty. You can see the intenseness in her eyes can't you?

My weight.....gonna go down. I did drop a bit this morning on the scale, so I'm tickled with that.

I think for me, I'm actually living my worst fear. My biggest nightmare. That utterly terrible thing. Losing a lot of weight and then slowly gaining the weight back. Yes, I've still lost over 100 pounds....but barely. If I gain back 5 more pounds, I'll lose tha 100 pound goal status. Yes, 100 pounds is still an incredible feat. But I KNOW that I'm not at a healthy weight for me right now. I do think my 180 weight was a nice weight for me. Yeah, I could have stood to lose a bit more...but it was a good weight. But that said, I no longer weight 180 pounds and I have done what I said I would never do...and that is gain weight. Well, not specifically gain weight. I knew that I woudl gain some and lose some....just not in the amount that I have done. AND not to push myself back over that 200 line. I think that I need to get past that feeling of being an utter failure and stop worrying about my worst fears. I'm already living my worst fears and I'm still alive to talk about it.

Yes, yes yes, I know..I can turn this around and stop living my worst fear....and I'm trying!

I was reading a blog entry (sorry, I can't remember which) and the person talked about how they had been eating poorly and they were feeling sluggardly and just icky. Well hello! I have the same problem when I eat poorly. And I think about it and realize that it is my food choices and I'm like "wow, that's somewhat cool that my body is telling me that it doesn't like that junk food". But time and time again i give it the junk food. Go figure. Wonder how long it takes to learn a lesson. (in my case a long time apparently).

Interestingly enough, Todd and I have been eating a heck of a lot of produce from the garden. So mostly a vegetarian diet. Oh yeah and of course organic...no bad icky stuff added to our soil or sprayed on our plants and produce. And voila...his IBS has disappeared almost totally this week.

double chocolate zucchini cake

double chocolate zucchini cake, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

http://maryfransmenu.blogspot.com/2009/08/double-chocolate-zucchini-cake.html

I'm going to cheat on my entry today. I was writing an email to a friend and kept saying to myself...wow, I need to say this or talk about this on my blog. I finally decided to just copy and past the email. I have changed the names to protect the innocent. Oh wait.....it's all about me and I'm definitely not innocent!

Well......once again I'm disgusted to say that my weight is up. I don't know what is wrong with me. I want this so badly...but i just can't seem to get control of myself. I literally will be saying, "I'm not going to eat that piece of cake" WHILE I'm picking it up and shovelling it into my mouth! Maybe I have mental issues. LOL


Turning a new leaf....gonna change and just simply 'do it'. Somehow get my mind and my actions on the same page! (are you feeling a sense of de ja vu?)

Tonight Todd and I are going grocery shopping. He has something scheduled for Saturday morning (I work...no biggie) but the rest of the weekend is free. So I want to get the groceries out of the way. :-) So last night I got everything that was possible prepared for tonight's meal (it's a vegetable stir fry type of meal that I found in this book that I have...that I love...nothing has tasted bad that i've made out of it. Anyway, this recipe uses....are you ready? zuchinin!!!!) So dinner tonight is vegetable skillet thingy, minted green beans (sounds interesting doesn't it?) applesauce and I saved two small pieces of a cake I made last night for dessert.


Yes, I baked last night. I made a low fat double chocolate zucchini cake. Zucchini muffins. Dill Yeast Bread. And of course the next steps to the pickles that I'm working on. :-) Wait wait wait....before you panic and think that my leaf will not be turned. The zucchini muffins are for Todd's breakfasts. (I don't like nuts...so if I put nuts in them I won't eat them). The double chocolate zucchini cake has been cut into servings and brought to work. I did save out two small pieces for our dessert tonight. Other than that..the cake is already out of my house. And the dill bread....I'm not a big fan of dill....but Todd loves it! Crisis averted!

Wednesday Update

harvest, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yesterday....I ordered so carefully at lunch yesterday while I was out with my friend. I ordered a turkey sandwich and got a salad. BUT then we split a dessert. And when it came it was HUGE. 4 people could have had it and the serving size for each would have STILL been bigger than we should have had. YIKES! Todd and I did work outside some yesterday afternoon. As I was working outside I walked through the garden. I swear, on Sunday I picked that garden clean! And I pulled a ton of stuff out of there yesterday! Soooo after working outside, I ended up working inside and made a batch of tomato sauce, put the cukes into a brine of lime to make some more pickles. Breaded the zucchini and froze that (flat on a cookie sheet, I'll bag them tonight). I chopped and foze the green peppers. And the jalapeno and banana peppers I prepared and froze. Then I made dinner. Fried zucchini, plums and baked corn. YUMMY!

This morning I woke up and made us breakfast...chipped beef gravy. This is the only beef product that I still like. Go figure. And then we headed outside. We worked outside for about an hour and then I went in and cleaned the house. Joy joy. So here I am at work. A 6 hour day today. Home this evening and I need to rinse the lime cukes and put them on to soak for the next step in the cinnamon pickles (then at 9 I'll have to put them on the stove to simmer for a few hours). And I also need to rince the salt from the other cukes that have been soaking in salt water for the last week and pour boiling water over those so that they can soak in that for the next 24 hours...they will be sweet icicle pickles. I'm hoping to get some kind of exercise in between pickle steps tonight! Well, between pickle steps and between giving lovin' to lil' mertz. I feel so bad for her because she's cooped up in the master bathroom by herself!

Best laid plans seem to fail. I got home and Todd was out picking up gas for the chipper....he got home and by then it was 7. He was like, lets just work tomorrow and not work outside tonight. Well, part of me was tickled to death because I really didn't want to work outside last night, I mean...wasn't the morning weeding enough? (haa haa haa) So I wasn't overly upset. But this morning I look back and want to kick myself. The reason? Dinner was planned around our heavy outdoor work. I had chosen a meal for dinner that was a littler higher in calorie count. I try to plan those types of meals around our activities. When we are active, I can make those meals. When we are more sluggardly I make the lower calorie count meals. Makes sense. UNTIL something throws a monkey wrench in the works. The rain threw that darn monkey wrench on Sunday. Plain laziness and time constraints did it yesterday.

Somehow, someway...I have to balance everything that's going on in my life. It seems as if I run run run and get stuff done...but no where near enough of what I need/want to get done. Yeah, the canning is caught up (as of SUnday night) and the weeding in the garden is done. The laundry is halfway done, the house is relatively clean and I did work yesterday. But did I get any formal exercise in the last two days? No! I bought some antique bottles for my collection on Saturday. I haven't had the chance to even look at them until this morning...and all I did was unwrap them so that the bags were not sitting around. How does one chose what is important? I'd say that exercise should be right up there. But yet we eat the produce from our garden year round...so I'd say canning is right up there also. Work? Well, yeah...that's pretty darn important. Clean clothes? Saturday was a day for me.....mental health...I had to take a break from it all. I guess I'm balancing it all except for exercise and I just don't know how to effectively get that in. ARRGGGHHH

Woke up this morning and forgot to weigh myself in my haste to get out and weed some beds. We got most of the flower beds weeded and all of the strawberry beds done. Woo hooo! How exciting is that. Hopefully when I get off work tonight we can go out and run the chipper and get some more mulch on those beds.

I haven't put my food into a planner, but I plan on doing that soon. Actually I haven't entered my food for the last few days. Just too busy!!! I will fix that here soon!

Here I am. Today was supposed to be a 'work in the yard' day. Our strawberry patch and perennial beds REALLY need weeded. We were also going to work on the chipping (clearing land to put up our storage sheds..yeah, the ones we bought a year ago). But the chipped matter is great mulch...so after weeding those areas, they would get another layer of mulch. We had a full day. BUT at around 6 I started to hear the rumbles. By 7AM, it was a torrential downpour. Uhhh, no yard work for us. Soooo I improvised. We headed out to the local orchard and I picked up my peaches for the year. Yup, 1 bushel and 43 pints of peaches later and here I am. While I did the peaches, I also did tomatoes (from the garden)....running them through my food mill and then cooking them down into sauce (7 pints). Green peppers. Yup, did some of those also (freeze them). Zucchini??? Why yes, I do believe I'll do some of those 14 cups of shredded zucchini have been added to my freezer stash. Whew. Busy day.

Lunch today was egg salad sandwiches and a vegetable pasta salad that I found a recipe for. REALLY good recipe. Dinner was a Pesto pizza. YUMMY! That was a new one.....and it was really good!

Who knows what my weight is.....and tomorrow...eii yiii yiii, because I'm working on my SECOND can of diet soda (sodium)

I have been worried. I have only been on my bike aboug 3-4 times in the last two months. I've got another bike ride coming up a month from now. How in the world was I going to do??? Well, today Todd and I headed up the road. We hopped onto the rail trail outside of Hancock and rode up to the current end of the rail trail...about 12-13 miles one way. Which means we had to ride back that same distance. Yup, I rode 26 miles today! Felt WONDERFUL! I did splurge and have a chocolate chip cookie dessert. But other than that, I did really good with my eating today!!!!

I was writing an email to a friend this morning, to give her my weekly weight in our competition. More on that later. And it just hit me that I am the only one that can control my weight. I make the decisions. Yeah, people influence those decisions. But ultimately, it is me and me alone that is in charge of this weight issue. No excuses or blame...it's all on me.

Ok, so that was my deep thought for this morning. Come on now...it's Friday morning...give a girl some slack!

My weight. Well, it's down from where it was after my food fest last weekend. So that's good. It's still lower than where I was when I started this competition, so that's good. HOWEVER, it's up a bit from where I was before last weekend's feeding frenzy....so that's bad. But you know what...I made the concious choice to eat last weekend. I've made the concious decision to eat the last however many months to get to this point and it's up to me to make the concious decision to eat properly now to get myself back to the weight that I want to be at.

Soooo the other day a friend talked to me about how she's coming to the conclusion that her personal ideal weight may not be the best for her and that she is having to reevaluate her own personal goal. She mentioned that she was working to accept that maybe 10-15 pounds higher is her perfect weight and not her ideal weight (the weight that she wanted to be at.....the 10 pounds higher still keeps her at a good weight). She mentioned that to get to that lower weight that she had to work out like a demon and I know that most likely eat like a rabbit. She mentioned that she likes food and that she can relax and enjoy her food and stay at that slightly higher weight. It made me think. I was happy at 180 pounds. Yeah, I'd like to go lower...but I think it was a good weight for me. My body was regulated there for quite some time before I lost control and started to eat like a starving pig. SO my goal is to get back to that point! And then I'll just continue eating right and not let myself gain....but take whatever comes...either maintain there, or lose. NO pressure!

Tonight's dinner....turkey burgers and zucchini fritters. :-)



I made a half of batch of double chocolate chip cookies to bring in for our farewell party for my co-worker. I ate one this morning as they came out of the oven. I'm not tempted with them here at work. I kept out 2 for todd and I to have as dessert. They are ordering pizza for this farewell party. I plan on having ONE piece. I can do this. I know that it may push me higher on my calorie count. But I've got to learn how to manage these things without pigging out. I can have 1 piece of pizza. Once piece will not hurt me. One cookie will not hurt me either. I've got to get into the mentality that moderation of the good stuff is a good thing. I don't have to eat rabbit food (veggies and fruit) constantly. Yeah, I need to eat a lot of it...simply because it's healthy and it's a way that i can still eat 'lots' of food without ruining my calorie count for the day. But i'm really going to start focusing on quantity. Thus far, I've done the 'eat the smartest foods' so that I can eat a lot. I am going to start focusing more on portion control. I know that when I do eat less....I'm still satisfied. So I just need to do it. And I think it's going to be a thing of just forcing myself to eat less...I think I will always have that 'big eyes' thing that makes me want lots and lots of food.



Well, if that was not a ramble, I don't know what is!

I am going to make a concerted effort to write daily. Even if to simply write an update of how my day went or is going. I know that when I'm writing I'm more accountable.

Yesterday started out with a walk with my husband. I was so dead tired. Not mentally, but physically! It was terrible! But I went on that walk anyway. It was only a 30-45 minute walk, but at least it was a walk! I did ok with my eating. I splurged and had some popcorn in the evening, but I did have the calories left for it. The only thing that would have thrown me for a loop with it was the butter buds, which are not bad calorie wise...but sodium wise they may have affected me.

This morning Todd and I went for a bike ride. We did 35 minutes, once again, nothing major, but we did something. That's what matters. Eating wise today looks as if it will be ok. I've calculated my breakfast, everything in my lunch and also what we are having for dinner and I'm good calorie wise, so it's a good day. :-)

I haven't given up. I am just totally disgusted with myself. I stand in the closet and look at my clothes and I just don't know what to wear. Why? Because everything has grown tight and I will NOT buy new clothes the next size up! I'm disgusted with myself and what I write because I am constantly writing about how I'm going to do it this time...but then a few days (if that) later I'm back writing about how I failed...followed by another 'gonna do it' post....and then a 'failure' post. It's been a vicious cycle that I don't like. It's depressing enough to live in this cycle, but to write about it also is just ...well....more than I want to deal with.

Sooo I haven't given up. I'm just trying to regroup and get this figured out.

uhhh, I don't think the baby gate is going to work any longer, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

The baby gate that has thus far kept Mertz in her 'big cage' otherwise known as the bathroom, is no longer a viable solution to keep Mertz separated from the big cats.

whew, let me hang on, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I'm a bit wobbly up here, but it's rather interesting!

Let me explore a bit up here, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Now that I've figured out how to balance, let me explore a bit.

Yeah, what of it, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yup, I've gotten the hang of this perching on top of the gate.

Asleep on top of the baby gate, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Not only does the baby gate no longer work to keep her in the one room, she likes to perch on top of it and sleep. What a strange kitten. Ahhh but how to keep from loving her!

My weight was dropping and all was good....and then I had two carb laden days and my weight has jumped again. No problemo though. I know what to do to get it back in line.

Sooo I've been MIA on my blog for the last few days. Why? Well, it's canning season. For the last three nights I've canned green beans...with more to do in the VERY near future. (We've only picked maybe a third of them...if that, so we've got a good deal more to do this week). Soo I work my 8 hours and then I pick and can around my time at work. Even more, I've been rollin' out the pickles and the relish and the jellies too. So I've been just incredibly busy. Haven't give up though..this weight WILL come off. I'm goign to try to plan a little better. During canning season I tend to gravitate toward the easy to fix meals...which sadly enough tend to be higher calorie/fat/carbs...one or all of the above actually. :-)

Exercise. On sunday Todd and I threw the bikes on the car and drove half way to harpers ferry. We jumped onto our bikes and rode the canal the rest of the way to harpers ferry. We would have ridden the whole thing (about15 miles one way...so a 30 mile round trip) except that todd hasn't spent much time on his bike this year and I have been quite lax about riding the last month or so. Sooo I was nervouse about it. But I had not problem at all. My legs felt fine. I guess the constant standing an dmovement with canning is at least keeping my muscles limber. So anyway, we rode to Harpers Ferry locked up our bikes and walked across the bridge. We ate lunch in HF and walked around a little bit...looked in some stores, that sort of thing and then mosied back to the bikes and rode back to the car. It felt good to get out and do something. I think we are planning on doing something similar on Sunday. Although we are talking about taking a picnic lunch with us on the bikes and doing a ride somewhere. We'll have to see. :-)

day two for one thing and 57 left for another

57 days till my next bike event. Uhhh yeah, maybe if I keep writing this I'll actually get my butt onto the seat of my bike and ride! :-)

Yesterday evening I stayed right where I needed to be with my eating and I feel good about what I did. Today is a new day and I'm determined to make today a success also. Howver, I already talked myself out of exercise this morning. On the flip side, I did go out for about an hour and picked raspberries. Does that count for anything???? So anyway, I'm working on day two of being back on track. Tonight, after dinner and after those raspberries are all attended to (preserved, canned, frozen, whatever the mood strikes me to do) I need to move the ironing board in the bedroom. It's blocking the exercise bike...and it was piled with all the work clothes I've worn this week. this morning when I needed to iron, I just pushed all those clothes (which honestly need to make it to the laundry basket) onto the seat of the bike. Uhhhhh no wonder I didn't ride. I can't get to the bike, and if I could it's piled up! Ahhh good times.

Good times...Lil' Mertz (otherwise known as baby kitty) is doing really well. She's playful and growing like a weed. Todd calls her the poop machine as she eats and eats and well...that creates the poop. She's somehow learned the instinctive attack...you know where a cat crouches down and shakes their butt in anticipation. She's doing really good. She goes back to the vet for her shots next week! She 'lives' in our master bath but LOVES to come out to plan with the other cats. the only problem...she wants to explore and is QUICK...so she can get away from us quickly. Today I had her on the bed with me and before I could even call out a warning, she had run across the bed and jumped off. Litle wily thing that she is. So yes, my new baby is doing well. On the flip side....she's 'locked up' in that bathroom so much, that I pull her out every chance I can get...and that takes time....time away from exercise and whatnot!

It's been a few days. I'm still with it. Still struggling. Honestly I'm disgusted with myself for having to write that again and again! I've sat down and figured out every bite that I'm eating today...and I'm going to stick to the plan! I've already exercised today, so that's a plus. I'm going to focus on one day. Today. I know in my mind that the first day is the worst and that each day it will get just a bit easier. So I'm going to focus on today being that day that it all starts. ANd I look forward to tomorrow where hopefully it does get easier. :-)

I should be super motivated as my friend that i'm competition with has told me that she is looking at showing a loss. She peeked on the scales this morning and it was looking good. I haven't peeked....so I've no idea how I've been doing. That scares me a bit. I like knowing. Tomorrow I just may have to say "lets not worry about 'lil mertz and just go about my normal daily routine." That's easier said than done though as she afixes her little cute eyes upon me and I just can't resist playing with here...and then it puts me out of my routine...and I forget to weigh."

I did push myself and exercise today. Let me tell you, it was ROUGH. No...not the muscles. Not the pain. I didn't experience anything like that. What was rough was the one and a half hours that I laid in bed reading.....THINKING about exercising. Dreading it. Trying to talk myself out of it! But i didn't. I got up and got on that exercise bike.(Come now, you didn't expect me to actually drag the bike off the porch and put on helmets and stuff like that and actually leave the house did you?) HOpefully that gets easier each day also...because I really do want to get myself back into good riding shape.

Speaking of riding. 58 days until my Thurmont ride!! WOO HOOOOO That alone should push me to ride ride ride!

Game on!

I'm highly competative. Last summer I rode my exercise bike and walked like a madwoman. WHy? Because there was a competition out here in blog world that was giving away a new pair of sneakers. I rode and rode and rode. I walked and then walked some more. I kept detailed records of how long and how much. And when it was all over, I received my new pair of tennis shoes because I had won! I do not like to lose!

SOOOOO last night when a friend talked about coming to visit in September and threw in there tht she hoped to be down 10 pounds by then, I couldn't help but throw down the gauntlet. 10 pounds you say? Well, the person that loses the most is the winner...and the other person must buy the winner an article of clothing that costs between 20 and 30 bucks. (basically under $30!) Ohhhh game on! I can so do this! SOOO tomorrow morning I get my morning start weight and I'll be off and running! (well, off and biking)

You see, that's the other thing. I was biking so regulalry. But after the June ride in Lancaster, I kinda fell off the bicycle bandwagon. Not that I dont'want to ride...I just don't feel like moving at all. But that has to change. I've got 2 months left until my next ride! (which incidentally will be the same week that my friend comes to visit!)

So it's game on. NO more dilly dallying around. Today, has been a slow day at work (REAL slow). I'm toying with the idea of going back to weight watcher meetings. Financially I shouldn't...but that weekly meeting really is something that I feel I need! I'm happy counting my calories and all that..but.....who knows.

GREAT read!

I had a friend forward this article to me this morning......this is a definite must read!

I've known for a while that I've been sabotaging my weight loss efforts. But I think it boils down to how to stop. And I think this article just lays it right out on the line!

*********************

In other news, my weekend was busy. I spent time with my brother and family. On sunday and Monday I ended up just not feeling right. I had no energy a terrible and could barely keep my eyes open. I do feel fine today. So I delayed my 'definitely going to start exercising religiously on Monday' until today. And I did it. 1 hour in on the exercise bike! I wasn't happy with my weight. It's up there. But I'm confident that I can face my demons and my fears and get it back down!

I just feel bloated and icky! I don't know why...other than the fact that my bodyjust doesn't like this extra weight. But I faced up to the scales regardless this morning and found, much to my surprise that I was down some on the scales. (like really down...but hey who's complaining).

Gotta get away from eating cold cereal for a while. I don't do to badly with special k if I have a banana to add to the mix...but without, it just doesn't stick to me! But until I get the bananas, I think I'll be going back to oatmeal for a while.

I'm going to make tortilla cups tonight after work. Todd asked for them for the get-together this weekend, so I'm going to run to the store and I'll make them. Well, maybe I'll make the filling tonight and bake the shells tonight but put them together tomorrow evening when we get home. That way there is less chance of them getting soft AND storage issues won't be that big of a problem!

Happy middle of the year 2009!!! And happy july first!

Our food choices really do affect how our days progress each day. I know this. This should not come as a huge surprise. SO why then am I sitting here amazed and awed by this revelation today. Let me start at the beginning. The last time I went to the grocery store I had a really really good coupon for fruit loops. Now I loved fruit loops as a kid. So I looked at them and realized that the fruit loops with the coupon and with the store price (they were on sale) were going to cost me less than fifty cents for the whole box (the small box). So I looked at the calorie count and figured that the calories were not that far off of my normal breakfast foods. I bought a small box and commenced with the enjoyment of one of my favorite childhood cereals. Looking back, I can tell that I noticed that I was hungry for lunch earlier. Breakfast was just not holding me over. But it wasn't until today...the last day of the cereal incidentally that I realized what was happening. I slept late (this kitty stuff makes one tired...more on kitty later). I actually didn't eat breakfast until about 2-3 hours later than normal (8:30 instead of roughly 6). So I come to work. I should not have been hungry at all.....yet by 10 I found myself thinking about food! WHY???? What could it be??? Ohhhh hoooo......sugar! My cereal first of all has no or very little nutritious value but it's high in sugar content! It's not fueling my body as it needs...so my body was looking for food that WOULD fuel it! I know this....yet I'm in awe of this news. Our food choices really do make a difference. And no fears...I've had lots of fruits and veggies for lunch!!!

Baby Kitty is doing well. Stubborn little cuss though. She will eat on her own (without us coaxing her to try it) off of her plate...but ONLY if she's out of her cage and we are there with her. She will not eat if she's in her cage alone. Go figure. But, we are happy knowing that she's just about there in the weening process!

Didn't weigh myself....the sleeping in thing really threw me off course. Exercise....arrrghhhhh I need to get my butt into gear! I will turn this ship around and the second half of the year is going to be my year to shine in the weight loss arena!

Weight pretty much remained the same....so nothing much to report. I kept my eating under control yesterday, so all is well. The weight will drop when it's meant to drop. All I have to do is keep doing right.

I do have to get into gear with my exercise. Exercise has been woefully missing from my daily routine. I haven't been on a bike in...ohhh a week? A week and a half??? It's been a while! Nothing else either! I've been sooo bad!!!! I need to get that into gear!!!

What's the rush with losing weight? Why do we want to lose it so fast? Yeah yeah yeah, I know...I can't wait to get to my goal weight and feel free to spend money on clothes that I know I will be wearing long term. I can't wait to not worry about losing. BUT....on the other hand....this is a LIFETIME commitment! So big woop, I get to my weight loss goal quickly...it's not going to change a single solitary thing. I will still need to watch what I eat. I will still need to exercise on a consistent basis. Nothing will change. The only thing that changes is my external features. So what's the hurry? I'll sit back, doing what's right (eating healthy, exercising) and the weight will come off at the RIGHT pace.

I've actually done not to badly with my eating over the last few days. I've been happy with my choices. All is looking good. I did skimp on my veggie intake yesterday. But overall, I feel as if I didn't do too badly. My problem yesterday...lack of water! Oh my word....low low water in take. Like non-existent! I knew taht my weight would be up this morning..and it was 1 pound. I expected it...and I'm drinking up...so I hope to pee that pound away today!

I'm determined to keep my eating in line today. The stress is mounting again. ARRGGHHH Yes, todd called me with some potentially damaging information. Information that could uproot our lives as we know it. It's nerve wracking!!!

Talked myself out of exercising again this morning. I'm such a putz!!

I was so bad this morning. I woke up at 5:30 and I laid in bed thinking, "at 6, I'm getting up and I'm going out for a ride on the roads.....a hilly ride". I laid in bed until 6. 6 passed, at about 6:20 I rolled out of bed and said to myself, "7.....7 is a good time for a bike ride" At 7 decided taht a ride on the exercise bike at 7:30 sounded like a really good idea. At 8:30, with still no ride completed, I got in the shower to get ready to come to work...I was going to ride to work though ya know." Did I ride? Heck no!! I drove my car! So bad......and utterly sad isn't it????


I have put in my food intake for the whole day...tis all tracked and calculated...so i'm on target with that! At least one thing is working.

Last night....well, I ended up eating a pb&j at around 8 or 9 PM because I was so hungry! Whew I just calculated and I wasn't that far over my calories today.

Arrgghh, I just had a blueberry muffin that a customer brought in...arrggghhhh What is wrong with me??? I can say stressed...because of the morning I've had...but no, it just smelled heavenly....warm and hot from the oven!

Report card first. Weight is down this morning! WOO HOOO! I've calculated my food for the day and I'm good! (even including dinner). Yeah, I may be a bit high on my sodium intake today...but I'm not going to stress over that because everything else looks pretty good. :-)

The other night Todd was flipping through the channels and for some reason stopped on a show about morbidly obese people. We are talking half ton sized people! It was saddening to see the shape that these poor people were in. They had one guy that the whole fire department was there trying to get him out of his bed and to the hospital. After much work they tried to take him through the door...the put straps around him and tried to pull the fat in tight to squeeze him through the door. That wasn't enough. The literally ended up tearing out walls in his house! I want to say how does one get to that point?? But in the same breath say, "I was on my way...I was 315 pounds! My saving grace is that even at that weight I was still quite mobile and somewhat active." But where is that line from obese to being in dire straits? That line of where you are overweight/obese and then voila, you are stuck in your room, with 10-15 muscled men trying to get you not only out of your bed but out of your room (hey, I kinda like the thought of the 10-15 muscled men in my bed!!!...ok, I'm sorry this is a serious paragraph)? There has to be a line. And how does one cross it without realizing that the are in some serious trouble?????

So if you've read this far, you're probably wondering what deep thought that paragraph was leading up to? Well, have I got a surprise for you....NOTHING! Just random thought flitting through my head. tee hee hee

CAT!

fredwina, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yes, this is the little cat. It is a female...and we have a few small health issues (ear mites, etc etc etc). Yes, that is camera cap on the ground beside her to show how tiny she really is!!!!!

The plan is to nurse her to health and get her weened and then we will be trying to find her a home. We have 4 cats as it is...and 5 is too many. However she will make a sweet sweet cat as we are raising her from such a young age!!! Crossing our fingers and praying that she makes it!

kitten

kitten, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

kitty

kitty, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Don't know how much I weigh. I forgot to weigh myself this morning. Honest engine, I did. It was not a i forgot moment. I really did forget. You see, I awoke at 4AM...during the hustle of the 4am feeding of the kitty and I never got back to sleep. So my whole morning was shot to smithereens! (routine wise)

Kitty? Did someone say kitty????? Why yes I did. A little TINY kitten was dumped at our business yesterday (ok, we found it yesterday). 8 ounces. Tiny but active little cuss. Feedings every 4 hours.

Back to me....after being a sluggard for 4 days with no exercise...I got a ride in yesterday. AND I forced it upon myself this morning. I have to keep telling myself that it DOES get easier the more I do it. Not easier as in muscle wise....yesterday and today didn't bother me....I felt great. I'm talking easier motivation wise!!!

Head aches now though!!! ARRGGGHHH

Yep, should have listened to everyone that said get rid of the fig newtons! Well, I guess I did get rid of them. Hardy har har! Lets not talk about them any longer.

Today thus far, I'm doing very well with my eating. I'm watching and I'm right on track! And I swear, there will be NO after dinner snacks. None! Nada!! Zilch!

The end. I can't think of anything meaningful to say today. And everyone knows that I would never continue to write and talk just because I like to hear myself babble! I mean, never would I do something like that. I am one of these people that says what I need to say in the most succinct and concise manner and then stop. Verbal vomit?? Nope, that can't describe me! tee hee hee

Ok, I will stop now, my fingers hurt from typing!

open and honest

My plan today was to sit down and actually think about what scares me about shedding all of my fat suit of armor that I wear. What is causing me to sabatage my efforts. Yeah, I'm addicted to food and yeah, I really like food. But I am ultimately in control and I have learned how to say no and control those urges. So why am I now sturggling with seemingly no determination.

Sooo my first list is a list of answers to these questions: What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid to lose the weight? Why do I think I'm not worth it?

*for the sake of privacy one or two have been deleted and found only in my private journal, which is where I originally created this list**
1. I'm afraid to shed my fat suit and thereby allow my own personality to shine. I've hidden behind this fat for so long that I don't know who the real MF is anymore.
2. If I shed the fat suit, I will not be able to use my fatness as an excuse for any failures. I use my fat as an excuse when things don't go my way, it's easire than accepting responbility.
3. My fat suit allows me to live in my own insulated world. A world in which I don't have to take chances or step outside of my comfort zone. (chances and risks open me up for failure and failure scares me).
4. Lowing the weight and being a total success puts me at a greater risk of failure (should I gain it back)
5. I never dated much before my husband~~I guess in my mind that I feel that I wasn't worthwhile to date. Therefore I don't think that I'm worthwhile to invest this time and energy into myself!

Reasons why I am worth it!

1. I'm a child of God and was wonderfully and individually created.
2. I liked the person that I was before I put on the fat suit and before the fat suit started draining my personality. I was fun and goofy, but it suited me.
3. Success is not possible without the expenditure of risk.
4. Deep down under all these layers of fat a butterfly awaits to emerge from it's cacoon. While life may not turn around and it will definitely still have stress involved, it will be beautiful simply because I deserve success.

By golly, I just deserve it. Plain and simple. No one should ever have to live in a fat suit!

Now for the hardest list: Things I like about myself:

1. I do not cheat and lie (well, except while playing monopoly)
2. I'm a great baker and a pretty good cook.
3. I'm trustworthy and reliable.
4. Good friend
5. body part I like? My legs....the muscles are pretty well defined
6. I'm smart darn it. I've buried it under my fat so as to not stand out, but I've got a brain and a rather high IQ.

*****************************

Whew...what a soul searching morning.

Didn't exercise today. But I have laid out my eating plans for the day. And I have my plan and I'm sticking to it come hell or high water. (oh wait, bad analogy....because it is raining again!...go figure!)

I didn't weigh myself today. Quite honestly, I forgot.

Speaking of honest. Yeah, I can pat myself on the back and say, "Way to go MF, you rode your bike to work yesterday. Great exercise." and "Great job MF, you resisted the cupcakes at work yesterday." But in all honesty, yesterday was a colossal failure. Well at least after work. I got home and hit up the comfort foods. Cocoa, homemade bread, fig newtons, ice cream, peanut butter and jelly, oh wait, lets not forget the 100 cal pack of fudge stripes (at least it was only 100 cal pack...because if it would have been a complete package of open fudge stripes, yeah, they would have all been gone!) Oh wait, did I say that this was all between 6 and 9PM!

If you haven't already read this post by Cara, I recommend reading it! It had me shaking my head in agreement and really thinking!

Deep thoughts and a few tears

It's like I have no control over my choices. I know that sounds really lame and actually quite stupid. Because I know that I have all the control over my success, however I feel helpless and out of control right now. I think that about sums up my life right now. I feel totally out of control of EVERYTHING. It's like I'm grabbing for the reigns (in lots of aspects of my life) and they keep slipping out of my reach. I'm a control freak. I like to be planned. I make my lists and check them twice. I like to know. But some of these things are totally out of my hands. There isn't much I can do. I can't single-handedly bring back the economy and make people want to spend money on luxury things. (ie recording time at a recording studio). I can't make other problems disappear. Health issues? I can't do anything about these either. We eat right and exercise...and while that's been a huge help in our health there are other issues at play. I can only pray and have peace that all will be ok with all of these worries and stressors . Easier said than done. But I know that all of this stress and worry is having a really negative impact on my weight loss efforts. First and foremost, I just want to eat my way through the problems. Food long ago became my friend. It's the friend that cheers me up when I'm feeling blue. It's the friend that laughs with me when I'm in a funny mood. It's the friend that celebrates when things are going good. Food is the friend that I look to to enhance each and every mood that my body encounters. As the stress just mounts, I find myself looking more and more to food. I know it has to stop. But once again, easier said than done. How does one stop? How does one break that chain, that hold that food has over me? Because quite honestly, the gained weight and the repeated failures to get the weight off just add to my stress levels. It really is a vicious cycle.

And at this point, food and my fat is the thing that is protecting me from facing the truth about myself and who I am.(ok, stop crying MF, you are sitting here at work...at the drive through window waiting for a customer, you can't be crying here!). I'm afraid to face the truth...what if I don't like what I see? When I first started to lose weight I did and said, "I like myself fat, I dont' need to lose weight for any reason other than my health". But now I'm starting to wonder if that all wasn't a lie. Did I really like myself????

Ok, I really am struggling here....I can't be crying when a car pulls up to the window!!! So I'll leave that topic for a bit.

I rode my bike to work today. I was planning on going home from work and then hopping on the bike and riding (Todd will be at the studio with friends). But then I started thinking about how stupid it would be because I'd just be backtracking. So I rode in this morning. I'll work all day, and when I leave here, I'll leave my backpack with my work clothes here and head home on my bike. Why I'm leaving my backpack? Because even though it's only 2 miles home...I'll be taking the most circuitious path home. Instead of 2 miles, I'm planning on a 15 mile route home. (by way of keedysville the next town/village over if you must know). Weather.com though said mostly sunny with only 10% chance of rain. However when I got to work, a co-worker looked on a different weather site and it said 30% chance of thunderstorms. Ohhh ohhh. Oh well, I may get wet. And if it's bad, I'll bum a ride home tonight. :-)