Failure at it’s Best

I want to just erase this past week from the books!  Can we? Huh?  Please?   It had been a week of failure on a few different healthy living fronts!  Eating was a failure!  Exercise was a failure!  It was just...well two steps forward, two steps back!   So let’s figure out went went wrong!

Failure Number One

My eating!  As aforementioned on this site, I had my mother’s filled cookies that she makes one time a year...especially for my birthday. (She calls them a labor of love because they are fine intensive). I ate a LOT of cookies!  It’s a once a year thing....but I still ate a lot of cookies!  Otherwise I didn’t eat too poorly...but did I mention I ate cookies...2-3 for breakfast...with a banana.   2-3 For lunch....with my regular lunch.  One or two as a snack when I got home from work.  Oh and I ate 4-5 each night after my normal dinner.   Maybe a dozen cookies a day. That’s a lot of cookies (they are gone. I got them on Monday afternoon and by Wednesday night they were mostly gone...I had two on Thursday to end this years cookie fest).  I ate so many cookies that on Thursday morning I was feeling icky and stuffed and just not well.  Don’t worry...I still finished up those two cookies that were left!   And since there was no sweets left...I STUPIDLY made brownies.   I was stuffed and feeling icky while I was eating dinner...yet I continued to shovel the food into my mouth...and I of course couldn’t pass on the brownies!!!   Why???  So here I am on Friday morning super early, once again feeling icky...stuffed and half sick!   I swore after New Year’s Day when I ate so much I was physically sick, that I wasn’t doing this again....yet here I am??

As a side note. I finally got the recipe for the cookies this year...which could be a bad thing...because if I can make them then I have the chance for the deliciousness all the time.  BUT I am looking at it this way.  If I make them...and know I can make them myself....it will take away the utter frenzy of eating them when I get them.   Mom’s will always taste sweeter and better...but I won’t be as crazed.  That’s my theory anyway...and I don’t plan on making them anytime soon!!!!

Failure Number Two

Exercise.  I was doing so good with waking up early to exercise for almost two months.  Last week my schedule changed.  I go in a half hour earlier......I just can’t force myself to wake up even earlier...5 to 5:30 is early enough in my book!  I do make it home a half hour earlier now.  I swore that I would start running again during that half hour.  It just has not happened!  It’s hard when Jason is already home to kiss him hello, change my clothes and walk back out the door...even when I know it is only for a half hour!   When he isn’t home yet, it is too tempting to start making dinner, cold the laundry, etc.  so I have been a colossal failure in the exercise front!  Next week maybe I’ll nail this on!!!

And yes...I laid out my running clothes early this week...ready to hop into them after work.  I figured have them out and ready and it would make it easier to switch gears and get out there!  Well, the whole week had passed and they are still laying on the trunk nice and clean and ready for use.

Another failure!! Big time!!!

Failure Number Three

Everything...this change in hours while seemingly small is really throwing me for a loop.  I’m tired (ok maybe that’s also because I’m in training at work..).  I’m sluggish.  I’m not getting things done.  I feel like I’m falling behind (blog reading...blog writing for example).  Grrrrr

Failure Number Four

My weight.  It’s up.  It’s also the monthly ick, it has arrived...and my weight usually goes up when that happens.  But I can’t  honestly blame it all on the monthly ick.  Seriously...lots of cookies. (That I did share with Jason!). My weight as of yesterday is back to my high of this year.  I lost weight steadily from May to September...and I have slowly regained that weight back.   Grrrr!   Well....almost...maybe a pound lower.   But still!!!!!!!  I did it to myself, but it is still super frustrating!!!

So lots of failures to report this week!  I’m ashamed to write this post.  But it’s how this journey is.  I just lost a battle in the war..  But I haven’t waved the white flag of surrender just yet for the war itself.   I retreated and I’m immediately going back on the attack.  The next battle is upcoming!!!  Part of a war is losing some battles and winning others. Most wars are not won without some losses. But to win the war we must pick ourselves up, reevaluate and head into the next battle stronger and smarter.   That is just what I am doing. I know where some of my mistakes happened. (Eg Not packing a lunch yesterday because I felt icky...then eating junk food at work because I got hungry...and snacks at home because I was still hungry) I can correct those mistakes and move on stronger and smarter...and I will win the next battle!!!  I’m determined!!

I leave you with my work in progress.....the living room of my one dollhouse.

Addiction addled mind: rationalizing my food choices

Happy Monday!  Luckily for me I am off work today, so my weekend is not ending!  In a way I almost wish it were!  Why?  My eating has been out of control and it is typically easier for me to regain control with the routine of work in place. Regardless,  I found myself awake at 3AM.  Not exactly sick, but unable to sleep.  Other than that we had a fabulous weekend.  Relaxing, eye opening in terms of my food addiction and even a bit of exercise amidst the rain and fog.

First let’s recap the weekend.  I was off Friday.  (Jason has had to work both Friday and today...but I still have some use it or lose it time...I’m not losing!!). On Friday I spent my day running and doing all kinds of errands AND all of those chores that you keep saying ‘I really need to do it....next weekend for sure...’.   (ie a new shower curtain liner, bra shopping, etc)  I was on the go from the time I woke up until about 20-30 minutes before Jason got home.  Felt good to knock so much off my to do list!!!  On Saturday it was rainy...so we ran a few errands.  I knocked another big to do off my list.  When I reached my lowest weight I got rid of all of my big clothes....including winter coats.  As I regained I simply wore layers of sweatshirts to make do in cold weather. Not the optimal option but I didn’t want to spend the money if I was going to lose...it was kinda the same mindset with the bras and the bra shopping I didn’t want to buy until I was a lower size. (The bras had become a necessity though you know it’s bad when one comes out of the washer in two pieces!). So when we walked through the mall and I saw that most places had their winter coats on sale for 50% off I started to look. (It helped that this was my three paycheck month versus the normal two...so no rent/bill money was deducted!!).  I fear this winter...we are due for a bad one..and with how wet it has already been, I think we are going to get walloped!  So I purchased a coat that fits me!  It fits me perfectly ...no room for weight gain!!  And the best part?  It was 50% off...and I signed up for the store credit card (which I will never use again) and got another 50% off on top of that!  I got my winter coat for $40!  I hate winter...but after so many years without a coat, I want a cold day!!  On Sunday it was wet and foggy.  We visited Jason’s parents and hit up the canal for a bike ride. (Notice the multiple layers on me...it wasn’t supposed to be cold...and Besides, I didn’t want to get my new jacket muddy!!!)

Today will be spent with my mom!!!  I told her she can take me out for lunch to celebrate my upcoming birthday!  Hahaha. We will be shopping and who knows what else today!!

This weekend I picked up a book I had read a while back.  It is called ‘Do life’ by Ben Davis. (Amazon Affiliate link).  I haven’t gotten too far into it during this reread....but it has already really struck a chord.  He talked about his addiction with food (and with gambling). He discusses how our minds (the addicted and messed up mind) can convince us to do the exact opposite of what we had planned or what we want to do.   As I read,I could see it in my behavior of the weekend.  I made a vow/challenge for December....I am going to try to drop 10 pounds!  So why in the world did I on Friday...November 30’th make my all time favorite cookie...a cookie that I refer to as my personal crack?  I convinced myself that I would make them...eat them on Friday and by December be done!  (Seriously...I KNOW that this cookie recipe makes about 6 dozen!). But, make them I did!   Surprisingly enough on Friday I kept it under control...mostly.  Saturday not so much. I had vowed  a ‘two a night’ limit!  Somehow my addicted mind decided that two a night had nothing to do with eating 8 at lunch! (Excuse me...for lunch...I only ate cookies for lunch!). So then when night time came along I still had my nighttime two to eat...but then my addicted mind proclaimed the day already a failure...so I figured that I may as well eat 4 or 8 more!!!  And I did. What’s worse? I started to repeat the cycle on Sunday!   The whole time I was doing this I wasliterally nodding my head and saying ‘this is exactly how he said an addict thinks’. But it didn’t stop me!!!   I am proud to say that on Sunday night I packaged what was left into packages of four  (I don’t make them huge  maybe 1.5 inch in diameter...oh heck...there is the addict brain speaking and rationalizing again) and  popped them in the freezer.  Yes they are still in the house but they are not as readily accessible!  Thawing then out will make me take the time to really decide if I want them,versus sneaking one cookie when I go into the kitchen (and that one cookie turning into 4 or 10).   

As I laid here this morning unable to sleep this morning, I started to think about the nights I can’t sleep.  Without fail they are followed by either a night or a period of time on which my eating was not exactly healthy.  (Hmm And water consumption has been non existent this weekend also....). Coincidence?   I think not!!!!

So I’m kinda back on track.  It will still be a rough month food wise...lunch out with mom today...birthday celebrations....Christmas...eiiyiiyii!   But I am hot on the trail!  I can do it!!!

Magical cookies: weight loss thoughts

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about where I am in my weight loss journey. I’ve been thinking about what my plans are and how often to weigh myself.  Really, I’ve been thinking about everything. I think some of that comes from the fact that I have read the first couple years of this blog and I saw where I was, I saw the struggles I saw the success.  I had incredible success. I lost between 130 and 150 pounds of weight. I felt spectacular. However, I regained weight.  Let’s be honest, I regained a lot of weight. Right now I’m looking at roughly 65 pounds to lose in order to get back to my lowest weight. It could be worse, I could have gone back to where I was at the beginning… Or even worse, I could’ve gone back to the beginning and then added another 30 pounds. So all is not lost (gained).   Even more importantly.... I can go back to all of those old posts and all of my memories and see where the problems started. I can see where the problems occurred and by recognizing the problem, hopefully I can avoid the pitfalls. So what am I planning on doing differently? And are my plans really working?   For the last month or two I have been preaching ‘live’.  I don’t want to live a life of restriction.  I don’t want to live a life of ‘never having an indulgence.’  I want to find that balance where I can be in a healthy place yet not feel so restricted.  So where am I?  

I got really serious about losing in early June. But I continued to struggle until the middle of the month.  And at that point my weight was 254.6.  This week I have seen as low as 246.8 on the scales. (Yesterday) That’s 7.8 pounds.  Now my official weight this morning was...  but that is ok, I know I ate a meal that was higher in sodium last night. 

Daily Weigh In

 I weighed myself every day back when I lost the bulk of my weight.  Early on in my journey, I didn’t weight myself daily.  And in early posts, I wrote about how I was so stressed when I didn’t weigh myself because I was fearful of not knowing how I was doing. Because of that, I started weighing myself every day. Over the next 8 to 10 years, I stayed on track for the most part with weighing daily.   And I noticed something?  Whenever  I was weighing daily, I typically stayed on track with my eating....when I didn’t weigh daily I kinda gave myself a ‘pass’ from good food choices also.  So I knew I want to continue this behavior.   I got to thinking the other day when a friend emailed me and talked about maybe giving up the daily weigh in. I respect this friend’s opinion greatly so I really decided to give this one some thought.  She brought up the fact that I seem to get discouraged when my weight is up a bit.   And this is true.  I readily admit it!  So do I need to weigh daily?  Yes, for me..yes.   I know that not weighing for me gives me that freedom of thought that ‘I can be bad..I have until my weigh in day!’   But the daily fluctuations...that is the issue I need to overcome.

So how can I manage to overcome those daily fluctuations?  I honestly think that I have been going in the right direction in my though processes over the last few weeks.  I’ve been talking more about a ‘range of weight’.  In that post I wrote about accepting my weight as long as it is within three pounds of my lowest observed weight.   If I am ‘living’ the. I know that my weight will fluctuate because some days my eating and exercise will be spot on...but some days one or the other (or both) will be haywire because I’ll be living and accepting life as it comes my way.  So I will be ok with the lazy Saturday where no run, bike ride or hike occur and we instead sit on the couch watching movies all day long. I will also be ok with the ice cream indulgence during the hellishly hot days if the summer. Let me rephrase...I will be ok as long as I am within three pounds of my lowest recently recorded weigh.

This plan is solid.  I’ve read a few blogs where people have been doing something similar.   And most recently I read a blog about maintenance where she posted a graph showing what ‘maintenance’ looks like.   While I’m not in maintenance mode..yet.  The post really hit me...because yes I’m in losing mode and losing mode has two purposes.  One of is obviously to lose.  But the second and possibly even more important goal of this stage, learning to live healthy and practice for weight loss maintenance.  Her post showed that there are fluctuations daily. And she is still slowly working on a few pounds here and there...just shifting that ‘range’ down further a little at a time.

So I think I’m in the right path.  The biggest thing is just retraining my mind to not be upset about the fluctuations. As long as my bottom number keeps inching downward I’m happy!!!   This slow method may take more time, but I will be so much better prepared and equipped to handle maintenance!

Furthermore, when I share my ‘official weight’ I will be sharing my ‘low weight’ for the week and giving the acceptable weight range.  So for example.  If my lowest weight for the past 7 days  was 245.0 pounds I would say that my official weight was 245 with my acceptable weight range up to 248 pounds.

So where I am I weight wise?

I got really serious about losing in early June. But I continued to struggle until the middle of the month.  At that point my weight was 254.6.  Earlier this week my weight popped way high with no reason...but then the next day dropped right back down once again with no reason.  I struggled...(which is what brought about these deep thoughts on where I’m at and what I’m doing).  Today I stepped on the scales...  245.4....I’m in awe...I’m in shock.  I’m ecstatic!   That is 10.2 pounds GONE since mid June!!!   So my weight 245.4. And I will be ok with the scales up to 248.4 to account for those daily fluctuations!!

Eating

This is a big one for me.  I know I need to limit my carbs.  I know that I need to limit my sweet treats.   I also know that the snack when I get home from work needs to go away unless it really is a true hunger that is driving me to the kitchen for that snack.   Notice I’m not eliminating anything totally.  I did the elimination thing once before...and I had amazing success!  It works!  It also failed me!  Just look at my current picture and you can see it failed!

(Not exactly current but I don’t have current full body shots...I have lots of chest up pics though...selfies! So this March 2018 picture will have to suffice)

 I found out the hard way that did me, living a life of restriction, for the rest of my life is not sustainable. When I was losing the first time I was frequently asked ‘is this sustainable, can you live like this forever.’  I was gung ho and said ‘yes, of course’.  You see, I was in control.  As long as I didn’t indulge I was fine, strong and capable.   However, the first time I got the taste of cake and desserts (on a vacation and at a wedding) I lost control. Big time loss of control. It had been such a ‘taboo’ thing in my life that when I finally did say ok to the food, I went crazy!  I don’t want anything in my life to be taboo.  (Ok within reason...some things in life should always be taboo...drugs, etc...but I’m talking food here, not those extremes!).  There is a fine line of balance between indulging and gluttony.  There is a fine line of balance between being in control and going off the rails crazy (either dieting or eating like a fool).   There is a fine line of balance between living a healthy lifestyle that is sustainable and one that will eventually crash and burn.   I have already crashed and burned once.  I don’t plan on doing that again.  So that means that I have to find that fine line of balance.

The balance for me?  For a few  weeks I made desserts for Jason, but didn’t touch them (I had maybe one piece of rice crispy treats out of three batches that were made in a two-three week period...yeah he is on a rice crispy treat kick!). Then one week I made cookies...my all time favorite (chocolate peanut butter banana cookies).  And I indulged.  The no/limited dessert weeks, I lost.  The indulge weeks maybe not as much...more like a maintain.  Balance...this goes hand in hand with the weigh in section above....I just need to retrain my mind to accept the indulgent weeks...  

Scales are Stupid

The biggest thing I need to retrain myself to remember is that there are fluctuations in the scale.  Some fluctuations are caused by indulgences.  Some fluctuations are caused by carb intake.  Some fluctuations  are caused by water intake or lack there of.  Some fluctuations are hormonal.  I need to remember that the fluctuations are NORMAL as long as I’m within that range of weight that I have allowed myself.

And just to prove how stupid the scales are? Ironically my weight  was really high this week on Tuesday for no reason....I got home from work and made the heavenly chocolate peanut butter banana cookies and my weight dropped the next day...and the day after to my all time low today, even though I ate cookies each day.  Which does prove that scales are stupid or maybe they are magical cookies.......

Water boarding

Chinese Water Torture doesn't have a chance against the workout that I just found for myself.  Water-boarding, that's for sissies in comparison to this workout!   This workout is pure torture.  Absolute!  Let me tell you how this torture came about.  I sit at work.  I have a lot of down time.  I had read a story awhile back, (sorry, can't remember where) about a gal who took one break at work, changed into workout clothes and tennis shoes and climbed up and down the steps of the building where she worked.  I thought about how cool that was. But even more so I thought about what an awesome way to get a quick 15 minutes of activity in.  After all, 15 minutes is better than nothing in the middle of a day where I'm just sitting around on my keister.  I talked about it at work.  I decided that I could break my lunch down (we only get a half hour paid lunch, no other breaks per say......haa haa haa, if you know me you are probably saying she needs a break from what? sitting at her desk and reading or working on a cross stitch project between customers!  haa haa haa).  Anyway, I digress. I had originally decided that I could break down that half hour.  15 minutes for eating and 15 minutes for stair climbing.  I had the best intentions.  Really I did.  But I kept 'forgetting' about my plan.  I forgot to bring my tennis shoes.  I didn't want to get all hot.  I didn't want to rush my lunch.  What if I got back and was panting like a dog and a customer needed my attention?    Excuses excuses excuses.  And then it hit me.  The last two hours I'm here, I rarely do anything.  I get no customers...and I'm only here to be the second person and as a supervisory override for the person that is doing the work and occasionally back them up if they get more than one thing at once or if they have to run to the bathroom. (yeah, my job is a piece of cake.).  I devised a plan that if I left the one door open, that worker could easily call out and I'd be able to be there in a jiffy.  That way I could do my stair climb thing after that time when I wouldn't have to worry as much about scarfing down my lunch and  being all hot and having a customer come up to me while I'm panting from exertion!  So yesterday  I threw my tennis shoes into my bag.  The hour rolled around when my time to do the steps was upon me.  I won't lie and say I didn't think about making an excuse.  I did.  But I totally ignored it!  But then I just said no wayI'm doing this!!  And I put on my tennis shoes.  I started strong. I was counting my flights,  but around 15 trips up and down I lost track.   We are only in a one story building so it literally is 8 steps up....make the turn on the landing.....8 steps up......swivel on foot on the top landing....8 steps down...make the turn on the landing....8 steps down.....swivel on foot and back up.  16 steps up...16 steps down.   That 15 minutes went by soooo SLOW!   But my heart beat was up.  I was hot.  I was sweaty.  My legs were ON FIRE!!! (look at those pink cheeks....which isn't all that visible in the picture,but even my arms were RED!)   I LOVE IT!  I had grand plans to go 30 minutes...but 15 was quite enough for my first day.  I did learn that I need to leave my cell phone at the bottom (otherwise I checked the time every minute and consequentially moan because only one minute had passed and I was soooo ready to stop). I also need to devise a way to count my flights easily so I can mark my progress!  Today my calves are tight, but I'm not in pain or really hurting.  So upward and onward!(by the way, I'm not mocking water-boarding,  I'm just poking fun at my workout and simply saying how difficult that 15 minutes really was for me)

Today there is a small potluck here at work to celebrate my co-workers birthday. I will be partaking a bit.  But a BIT is the operative word.  I don't have to eat a hogs load of food! I can do this!  I made cookies for the potluck.  Banana-chocolate-peanut butter cookies.  My husband calls these cookies crack, because they are that scrumptious that you just can't stop.  Seriously, how COULD you go wrong with those three things together.  Not exactly healthy, but good none-the-less.  I had ONE cookie last night (and yes, I had the calories set aside for it!).

I've tried the deprivation routine with my lifestyle.  Saying "MaryFran, you are not allowed to have any cookies..."  (insert voice over of Adam Sandler in the movie Waterboy here) "mam, mam mam maamaa says that cookies are the devil!"  That doesn't work any longer.  I want the changes that I'm making to be for the rest of my life.  It's not going to work if I say I will never have another cookie...or another piece of cake....or pizza from the greasy joint that serves the best pizza.  It's unrealistic and just sets me up for failure.    I ate a smidgen of the cookie dough and I ate ONE small cookie.  Yes, I actually said I ate ONE cookie.  The thing is, I didn't eat 6 cookies...or a dozen cookies.....I didn't even eat two cookies.  I ate one cookie.  I gathered my will power and ate my one cookie and then I walked away. 

I am not saying that I can do that everyday.  I'm not saying that cookies (or pizza or cake or any number of foods) are not trigger foods.  They are.  They trigger me to want to eat and eat and eat. However, I know that I have to figure out how to manage to still have these ultra yummy favorite things in my life, in essence how to partake, hear the trigger and stomp the *&^#  out of the trigger.  It's LIFE and I'm losing weight so I can LIVE....and that includes baking cookies for a co-workers  birthdays.  I can't bury my head in a corner and refuse to live.     If I hadn't felt as if I was  feeling strong enough to know that I could resist the temptation, I would not have made them.  This week I made cookies to celebrate life.   I won!  (as a side note, the cookies, half came to work today to be scarfed down by my co-workers and the other half are going with my husband to his work for his clients!)
.
Nothing is slowing me down!  I'm stomping on the stress in terms of my weight loss. I am not succumbing to the temptation to eat away my sorrows! 

I did it!

I'm amazed some weeks. It seems like lately I come on a day or so after my weigh in and I'm like...somehow from somewhere I pulled a loss! Well, it happened again. 1.6 down! Yes, I'm working for it. But admitedly, I slacked a little....ate more of my flex points than I normally do.......amazing!

On that same note...I've already blown 11 flex points for this week also. That's a lot for me...I usually only use 5 per WEEK!

Made about 6 different kinds of cookies tonight. Ate about 2 cookies worth of Chocolate Chip cookie dough... (yes, I know we aren't supposed to eat raw dough anymoer...but heck, I've been doing it since I was just a wee thing...I see no reason to stop now). Anyway, only about two cookies worth of dough. No other snitches...I didn't 'test' the cookies as they came out! NOTHING! NADA! ZILCH! I saved out about 2-3 of each cookie for my husband. I saved abou 5 or 6 of the 1 point pumpkin cookie (spice cake mix, can of pumpkin, and 1/3 cup water...add 2/3 cup water and you can do muffins...but cookies are fine also..they are a very 'caky' cookie). But I saved a few one pointers for me for a snack for the next few days. AND with the rest of the cookies....I packed them up in gift packages....ready to go! The name tags and bows are on them! They are as good as out the door! (Nope...I won't cheat because each package is 'artfully' arranged and to snitch a cookie would mess up the 'prettiness' of the package!

Tickled because I was able to buy myself a pair of pants (lounging flannel pants) at an everyday overstock store ($5....really good deal)! This may not seem exciting...but for a big girl whose options are usually pretty limited as to where she can buy her clothes.....just walking through the clothes area and being able to actually find something that fits is pretty amazing. EVen more amazing...I on a whim bought the xl. I thought that they would be tight but I would 'grow' into them. Well, I tried them on...they are loose. Now don't get me wrong....not loose as in I should be wearing a large...but loose as in comfy!

Going to my work christmas party/dinner tomorrow night so I'm planning my low point breakfast and lunch!

Lately I've been really melancholy. I've just felt like crying...A LOT of the time! Don't know what's up with that. My husband freaks out because he wants to know why I'm crying...or feeling sad. I honestly can't tell him why....I'm just sad. I do think it's because right now we seem to be under a lot of stress...but that usually doesn't make me feel sad and teary! Nope...not eating like a mad woman because of it either!