So today is my brainstorming session.......how to tame the mini-me...that addiction.

For a while I tried posting my food intake on my blog. But honestly, I got sick of people discecting what I was eating. A simple "good job" or a simple word of encouragement after a bad day would be enough. I know when I'm bad......don't kick me when I'm down. But in theory, posting my food on here works...becuase I'm embarrassed about my addiction. It embarrasses the doo doo out of me to lose control. Hmmmm....maybe I could make a separate blog for my food intake ....and put at the top "leave on encouraging comments.....no need to dissect my food intake....I know when I have a bad day and would appreciate your support, not you berating me for having a little too many carbs or whatever my sin is for that day". Hmmmm....another blog does seem like a lot of work though. hmmmmm For that matter, would it be rude to put that as a note on the comment page...or at the bottom of any post?

Will power.....I have to simply starve that addiction out. No no no, I'm not turning anorexic on you. When I mean starve that mini me out, I mean that I need to exercise every once of self control that I have to not 'feed' the addiction. To eat my food, enjoy it to the fullest but to stop at the appropriate time. Having a second helping to recapture the rapture of the first helping is NOT acceptable. Will power, will power will power!

I honestly can't think of anything else. Hypnosis? Therapist? Wire my mouth shut and eat my food through a straw????

So I'll start for today.

Wednesday food intake:
breakfast: strawberry banana smoothie
lunch: summer salad (bean salad)
strawberries (ohhh fresh from the garden.....absolute rapture....sweetness bursting upon my tastebuds!...picked just that morning at 6AM)
applesauce -home canned....no sugar
2 fat free fig newtons
Afternoon snack: fresh cherries
Dinner (it was late...I got home from work at 6PM, I picked up shingles from the old roof that todd tore off...and then mowed........so I ran out and picked up dinner at 9 or so)
Turkey and cheese sub with lots of added veggies
diet soda (sadly, no water with dinner)
fat free frozen yogurt


Water intake- about 40 ounces
multivitamin-uhhhhh I forgot
exercise-does squatting to pick strawberries for an hour in the morning count? Does picking up a whole roof worth of shingles and old felt and rotten wood count???? No?? Well then no exercise.

I AM

I am an addict. Plain and simple. My drug of choice is perfectly legal and actually even encouraged and a necessity. I chose food. I stand so strong with plans to conquer my addiction. I have plans. I have dreams. I want so much to lose my weight. But I have this addiction...this voice in my head. This overwhelming desire to shovel food into my body just to feel the high of the incredible tastes and textures exploding in my mouth. My mind knows how good food is.....yet my mind also knows that I need to control these desires, these cravings, this out of control eating frenzy that I am prone to. So if I know that I need to control it, why is it so difficult? It's difficult because of what I call my mini-me. My mini-me is fueled by my addiction. My mini-me is constantly yelling at me, telling me to eat. Telling me that it's OK to indulge in that cookie, because I deserve it. It's my mini me that comes up with these incredibly far fetched ideas....that the doughnut knot that is 3 inches in diameter would have the same calories as a small 1 inch doughnut hole" My mini-me is smart. When it's time to exercise, my Mini-me convinces me that I'm too tired, or the weather isn't right or whatever the reason of the day is. You see, my mini-me knows that if I exercise that it sparks me to eat healthy...and healthy eating does NOT fuel my mini-me. I thought that I had it licked for a while. I lost weight and I thought I had safely locked this addiction...this mini-me into a closet, never to be heard from again. I still faintly heard the mini-me voice yelling at me...but I had it under control. I was on top of the world...I had my addiction under control. But the mini-me escaped and took up residence front and center in my mind...and here I am, once again a struggling addict.

I remember the days where I was so strong. They would bring food to work and I would ignore it. No bite passed my lips. I knew that if I started, I would never stop. The analogy that refer to it as is...My mini-me needs junk food and unhealthy food in order to survive...without the junk food, the mini-me loses power and it's voice becomes week. So as soon as I start eating something that I shouldn't, that voice grows. My addiction rears it's ugly head and I need to have more and more and more. So I used to be so strong. It was actually a joke at work, that I wouldn't eat anything. But that girl has been choked out by this addiction.

Yesterday they brought doughnut knots, cookies and brownies into work. I had been determined to keep it under control all day, but I saw those doughnuts and my addiction went into overdrive. My mini-me started screaming at me. "It's been so long since you had a doughnut". So I looked it up and figured it out. I could eat one, and it wouldn't ruin my eating plan for the day. So I had one. But one became two and two became three. And then I had to sample the brownies. They were so moist and chewy, I was in heaven........so later in the day I had a second. I was a sugar shovelling fiend....and the more food I shovelled into my mouth, the more self disgust and self hatred I feel. I lose control. And yes, I know that I am the one that should ultimately be in control, and I am the only one that can take the blame...but it's like all rational thought leaves my head once I start eating.

I am making a vow, right here and now. My mini-me will be locked into a closet again, and this time, I'm not going to give it the chance to slither out!

Chicago!

Chicago!, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Not the city....not the musical....the band. Yes, we went to see them last night in Lancaster, PA. Good show, although the crowd was a bit sluggish (very old, actually....I felt positively like a baby.....definitely one of the youngest in the crowd).

So eating yesterday...ughhh For that matter, eating this week.....uggghhhh. I've totally lost control. Ok, wait, not totally. I haven't eaten tons of cake and tons of sugar. I've eaten too many carbs. meals for the last few days.......sandwiches. I've been sorely lacking in my fruits and veggies.

Drinking? Water...what's that? I actually was doing ok through Tuesday...and then started to slip on Wednesday.....and yesterday....well, I did buy one bottle of water in our travels....not that I drank it. I did however drink a FREAKIN' TON of diet soda yesterday!

Exercise? Lets say non-existent. I've done some active things.....and I did go to Zumba the other night. I fell into the trap of "I don't feel well....definitely not 100%, so I"m not going to exercise". So I haven't really exercised much. Not cool.

Extenuating circumstances.....a concert, some light traveling, the first time in 2 weeks that I've had any time off with my husband. (the last few weeks have been me waking up and leaving for work while he's stlil asleep......I get home from work and he's gone and doesn't get home until midnight or later......and by then I'm either already asleep or halfway threre.) , being sick. have I had valid excuses as to why my behavior has gone haywire? Well absolutely. BUT are there these excuses usable? NO NO NO.....I could have and should have kept it under control. Those situations are really no reason to eat. No reason to not exercise. No reason to skip my water drinking or veggies. But at least I know WHY I will be posting a bad week on the scales at my meeting tomorrow.

Soooo how does one actually make it to string 2 good weigh in weeks back to back. I seem to do one good one and then fall apart. What's up with this? It's something I want soooo darn badly, yet I'm failing miserable....through no fault buy my own!

Missing...but still kickin'

I haven't fallen off the bandwagon. I thought I had a really bad case of allergy/pollen problems. But it turns out that it was the start of a miserable cold/flu. So I've spent the last few days literally sleeping it off on the couch. I sleep for 2-3 hours and then am awake for about an hour...then back to sleep. And yes, I'm sleepign the night through also. I drug myself out of bed early this morning to hit up my weight watcher meeting AND to get some groceries (we were woefully out of some of the staples in life that couldn't be ignored any longer). I came home wiped totally out and then whadya know...I slept the afternoon away. I've actually been awake since 7PM (it's 9:30) and I'm about ready to drop.

The good news...all this sleeping has kept me from wanting to eat (and when I'm awake I'm was so weak and dizzy that I just laid on the couch and didn't want to move). So I posted a 2.8 pound loss. This puts my weight loss total back at 90 pounds! Watch out 100 pounds gone!!! I'm gathering speed and I"ll knock you over soon!!!

Learning

Had two nice workouts yesterday. I rode the bike for an hour yesterday morning and then yesterday evening I hit up my zumba class. Whew....zumba is a great workout! :-)

I stepped onto the scales with fear and trepidation this morning. I was really shocked. My weight is hanging right in the same general place that it was last week on my weigh in day (possibly up a half pound or so). I was thinking it was going to be a whole lot worse!

This weight loss journey for myself has been one with lots of learning. I've had to learn to accept responsibility for everything in my life. I can't blame my weight on all the bad stuff that happens. I've had to learn what is healthy. I've hard to learn how to motivate myself. And honestly, I'd had to learn about my body. I am still learning. It's not as simple as finding the 'magic solution' and then sticking with it. It is an evolution of learning. What works this week may not work next week. A lesson that I learned 2 years ago may have sat idle uneeded for the last two years...but it will resurface. Learning........the learning is making me stronger.

What have you learned?

Last night I got home at around 7:30 and I hit the kitchen full steam ahead. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.....then some homemade fat free chocolate ice cream......then some mini marshmallows......a handful of almonds......and I washed it all down with a dark chocolate candy bar. Can we say SUGAR? I felt physically ill afterwards. When I finally came to my sense (I claim temporary insanity) I just wanted to cry. WHY? Why did I do that. I didn't want that food. I didn't need that food. Pure outright disgust with myself....

To add to the disgust that I feel over my behavior and actions last night.....this morning I went to turn on my computer....problems. My new hard drive (I've only had this one a few months ago...I had run out of space on my other one) went kaput. And stupid me.......I haven't backed up anything since last November. I've just lost 6 months of my life. 6 months of pictures. Six months of writing. Six months of EVERYTHING ARRGGGHHH

This is not a good week...especially if you add in the other stressors that I'm dealing with.

I have pulled myself together.....I've got my healthy eating hat back on and i'm working on it. I've already ridden the exercise bike for an hour this morning...and I'm heading to Zumba after work....so 2 hours of exercise today. I'm trying.

snickerdoodle bars

snickerdoodle bars, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

The snickerdoodle bars were just the icing on the cake to my eating extravaganza for the weekend. Arrrgghhhh why can't I just keep it under control on the weekend.

Saturday started out just fine. I knew what I was doing. I had my food plan made and it was actually already entered in....life was good. Until we ended up going out to eat.....I went a few points over my daily limit. I have the weekly points so not too much of an issue.

Sunday. I had a healthy breakfast...and then we had to run to Charlestown....we ended up eating at Pizza Hut. Uhhh yeah, I ate my half of the pizza. I had my new stove delivered this weekend so I just HAD to make something in it. I baked snickerdoodle bars. Yes, I tried one (it was a new recipe also). THEN mom and dad took me out to eat. I had a turkey sandwich and hashbrown casserole. All in all for th eweekend I used roughly 13 weekly points.

Not too bad when you look a it that way. However I know that when I eat those weekly points, I usually don't have too good of a weight loss for that week. So we'll see. I'm going to think positively. I did NOT overeat over the weekend...I was never full to the point of being sick...so there is good things.

SOOO my weekly challenge for exercise is to earn 50 Activitiy POints. Right now I'm at roughly 12 (soewhere around there). I really ahve to step it up. I've got 4 more days! Of cousre Zumba is tomorrow night and that's mad points earned. But I'm goign to have to kick up the intensity and/or the time! But I'm going to do it...if I don't, I will have to pay my pennance.....(that's in the form of money........money speaks to me)

auto-pilot

I'm sitting here staring at the blank computer screen....wondering what to write. I've got nothing to say. I'm basically on auto-pilot with my eating and exercise...I'm struggling with some issues right now that are just making it hard to concentrate on anything...and thus auto-pilot. I know that that is a dangerous place to be. Complacency breeds failure. This journey takes almost constant vigilence. I cannot relax my gaurd. But yet I have to say that right now, I'm on auto-pilot. I'm relying on the good habits that I have spent the last few years developing to outsmart the fat MF habits. And I'm hangin' on.

The ups and downs of weight loss are enough to drive on to madness. Those scales. Oh those scales have the power to make me happy. They have the power to excite me. And those same scales have the power to drive me into a depression. Some people don't weigh themselves and I say "Good for you". For me though, I need to know where I'm at. How well (or not well) I'm doing. I need to know. So I used to weigh daily. Right now I weigh roughly 3-5 times a week. I stepped onto the scales this morning and after staying the course over the weekend, I found myself 4 tenths of a pound UP. What the heck? Can I not get a break????

I was feeling blue before I weighed in over various situations and things (I'm looking for a a different job and it's depressing to not find anything........I'm working 12 hours today at a job that bores me to tears....12 hours of intense boredom!....just to name a few)....so the results on the scales just makes me want to scream!

Will I give up? No. I STILL got onto the exercise bike and rode. Only 9.55 miles today (14.11 yesterday) I still had a nice healthy breakfast and packed a nutritious lunch. I"m still workin' it...but it just makes me sad. But that's one of the things about this journey.....it's not always fun and games and easy. We need to roll with the good and roll with the bad in order to get where we are going....which is 'thindom!

Yesterday evening we finally pulled out our existing stove to check the plug to make sure that we have the proper one when they bring my new stove! T minus 6 days until I have a new stove! Under the stove was about a billion of those cat toys...the bizzy balls. (the plastic balls with a jingle bell inside). Ok, maybe not a million, in reality we counted and there were 16 of them. We didn't think about it and just threw them over our shoulder into the living room. The cats went nuts because voila...new toys! We didn't think anything of it until we went to bed shortly thereafter. Lil' Mertz LOVES LOVES LOVES the bizzy balls and can play with the same one for HOURS, or until she loses it under a piece of furniture (or stove haa haa haa). In the past, I've actually had to get up in the middle of the night to remove a bizzy ball from Lil' Mertz' playful attack, simple because she rips through the house like a lunatic, with that stupid little bell jingling merrily. Last night, I didn't even attempt...because she had 15 of them. And she played ALL night. Jingle jingle jingle! In and out of the bedroom, into the bathroom, in the kitchen. The cat was EVERYWHERE. JINGLE JINGLE JINGLE! Finally at around 6AM, she must have succeeded in either losing the last one OR strategically hiding the last one and she was ready to relax. Of course that was when my day started. BOOOOOO

BUT, against the odds of sleepiness, I got on the exercise bike and rode for 60 minutes. It wasn't a fast ride...or even all that strenuous. I did 14.11 miles.

Ohhh so that brings me to my challenge for this week. I am to take an outdoor bike ride for 12.5 miles OR an exercise bike ride for 20-25 miles. If I do not complete one or the other of these tasks, I will need to send my 'penance' to my weight loss buddy. My penance? MOney. Cold hard cash! $20 bucks. Not enough to break me...but I don't like to part with my moldy money!!!!!

The updated stats for my yearly Activity Points goal......487!!! (65 this last week)

Water retention.....tis a funny thing. Sadly enough for women, it happens like clockwork once a month. But even beyond that......I drank diet soda all day yesterday. I may have had one or two sips of water throughout the day.....but mostly soda. By yesterday evening, my rings were so stinkin' tight.....water retention. I didn't weigh myself this morning, but I know that the number would not be a true depiction of my weekend efforts because of my water consumption, or lack thereof. So I'm drinkin' up today! All of these healthy habits really do go hand in hand! :-)

Running escapades

Yesterday while I was jogging (and dying) I had all sorts of thoughts about what I was going to write about and then that car issue just really blew me away. Oh well.

I was soooo super excited to complete that 3.1 miles to make a 5K. And when I reached that 5K mark, all I could think about was that episode on TBL that I wrote about a few weeks ago. I put myself in Michaels shoes and I heard Bob's voice echoing through my head "4 miles! Do four miles." So I DID! I just kept pushing myself a little further than I thought I could go...and surprisingly, my body stepped up and did it!

Sooo my pace is really slow. I'm doing a 14.19 mile. That's SLOW. haa haa haa....barely above a fast walk, but you know what....it will increase. (that's another thing I did...at the end of my run, when I was desperate to make 4 miles, but running out of time at the gym, I knocked the speed up a bit and you know what...I made it!)

My problem with running the 8 minutes. By the end of each 8 minute segment (usually around minute 6 or 7, I found that my breathing got really choppy and 'disorganized'. It felt as if my lungs were not getting enough air. I didn't let it stop me...and instead at that point I would focus on my breathing. Deep breath in for three (or four) steps.....breathe out for three or four steps. I honestly had to FOCUS on breathing. It was almost as if my body started to panic and forgot how to properly breath. The focusing on my breaths helped. I don't know if it just took the focus away or if it really helped...but it helped me push through. I just need to start focusing on that breathing technique the whole way through....so that I don't get to that choppy can't get a lung full at all!

My exercise will probably be garden work today. We'll have to see. :-)

Run-a-way Day

I made it to the gym this morning....and let me tell you. I got on the treadmill and got ready to do my walk/jog combo. I walked 2 minutes and then started to jog. I jogged for 8 stinkin' minutes. Then I walked for 2 and I figured, well heck, if I just did 8 minutes, I can do it again! So I did. I walked another two minutes and thought I'd go for broke......so another 8 minute stint. At that point I looked at the mileage and saw that it was about 2.3 miles. Well hey....a 5K is 3.1 miles. I gathered up my determination and after a brief 2 minute walk I was off for another 8 minutes of jogging. At 40 minutes in I was at 32 minutes of jogging and 8 minutes of walking! I finished my 5K at 44 minutes (and in the middle of another stint of jogging). I stopped jogging at that 44 minutes but then started to think and decided to go for 4 miles. So I started jogging again. I hit my 4 miles at roughly 53 minutes. I walked just a bit more and ended up at 55 minutes on the treadmill.....at 4.23 miles 45 minutes and 10 minutes walked!

So now are you ready for the MF is stupid story?
This morning we got back from the gym. I pulled into the driveway and waited to make sure that the gear caught and then hopped out. (I admit to not using my parking break religiously). We got inside and then I remembered that we had stopped at Sav A Lot and picked up a few things (bananas for 29cents a pound and a 20 pound bag of potatoes for 2.98...and since sav a lot is by the gym, it makes sense to run in and get those things when I'm right there anyway). So we went back out to the car..opened the truck (with the key...not from inside the car) and got the stuff out. We walked around the yard and I checked my strawberry patch (they are green!). I went in and hopped into the shower. I was just getting out of the shower when Todd starts yelling "Your car!!! YOUR CAR!!!". I wrap my towel around me (thank goodness for bath sheets!) and ran out to the door and onto the front porch. my car was not where I parked it....I looked down the hill....my car was sitting in the middle of the woods.......I wasn't sure if it had hit a tree and bounced enough that the tree was beside it...or if it had just missed the tree by mere inches. I went in and threw on clothes as fast as I could and trucked down into the woods (probably at LEAST 100 feet). It was quickly obvious that the car had only stopped because of tree that had been cut down and was laying on it's side....and acted as a stopper. We looked....the car had literally missed the tree by inches! I hopped in the car and pulled it back up onto the driveway........we checked the car.....just a few minor scratches (which will actually be able to be buffed out with a towel)....and we had to pull some brush out from underneath....but the car is fine. WHEW.

So....how is your day???? (And it can't be worse than a run-a-way car can it????)

Hump Day!

Week 2 of Zumba is done. I was starting to really get the steps down.....except for the one salsa move. I would be ok...but when she started to turn I woudl lose it and have no clue what my feet were supposed to be doing! But I pushed myself. I didn't do the modified. When there was a hop, I hopped....when there was a jump, I jumped. I tried to push myself fully! Good workout!

This morning....I woke up with the alarm clock. I laid in bed, my eyes felt as if they were glued shut! But after laying there for a few minutes, I groaned and pushed the covers back. I won't say that I bounded out of bed.....I moved SLOWLY. But I got on that pesky exercise bike and got a ride in this morning. It wasn't a long ride. It was only 35 minutes...but I did it. I also got a load of laundry through the washing machine and onto the line. I went through the pantry. The pantry had gotten really jumbled...so I organized and wrote down what we have. :-) I'll be able to sit down now and figure out what we are eating the next two weeks and make up my grocery list! I showered, drank a smoothie and headed off to work. I work 9 hours today. Tonight Todd and I are planning on spending the evening outside working in the yard and garden!!!

Do you round up or down in your figures? I was just writing how many minutes I rode. 35 sounded so lame so I literally backed it up and changed it to 40. But then I was like. Wait...that is cheating MYSELF! I find myself wanting to round down on my food intake. I have to stop myself and say.....I'm only cheating myself if I do that!

Shame

I'm so freakin' ashamed. I was at work and I was just dragging. I KNEW I didn't want to go to the gym. I was hungry and my legs just felt HEAVY! SO what did I do??? I went home and ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (ok, not so much ashamed at that one...my stomach had literally been growling for a few hours) and when my husband got home a few minutes after me, I promptly talked him out of going to the gym. ME, the one that babbled about how I hoped he wouldn't wimp out on going to the gym. I swore that we would run our errends and I would ride the exercise bike at home for at least an hour in lieu of the gym. I had such good intentions. I made dinner....and washed the dishes and got on that bike. My legs felt like dead weight. I made it 10 minutes before I gave it up.

I'm a loser!

I am packed and ready for Zumba tonight though. I'm at work...I have my workout clothes, my dinner and my water bottle ready to fill up! No excuses tonight!

This running dialogue in my head....I call it the fat mini me that's in my mind feeding me all of these excuses. And honestly, it's difficult because the excuses are SOOO easy to succumb to!

Lots on my mind

So what is really on my mind.......food. I just put some new recipes onto my food blog. That of course makes me think about food. It makes me think about the yummy stuff that I shouldn't eat....WAIT, in moderation...I'm allowed in moderation. Of course moderation is a problem for me. So anyway, it got me to thinkin' about yummy foods. . But mainly, my mouth just salivated at the thought of dinner. Dinner tonight is Chicken Pot Pie. I actually made it last night and it's in the stove waiting to be baked. Why did I take this method did I ask? Well, it would be becausee I get off of work at 4PM and the plan is to go to the gym at 4...then come home and have dinner. I knew that if I din't have dinner planned and actually even partially prepared that I would be really tempted to say "lets go out to eat'. We've been so busy and working such opposite schedules thave I haven't cooked much....I wanted home cooked meal!

Lunch today was a Summer Salad. Super yummy!


I feel as if I did pretty good this weekend. I didn't stray too far from the plan....actually all still within the plan. And I cut down on my carbs...which is REALLY good for me! :-)

Counted my new recipes for this year........26....so I'm more than half way through my recipe goal for this year (52 new recipes tried for the year....granted some of them are not at all healthy.....such as the Irish cream Cake.....I am not even going to put a link to it here...because it's NOT HEALTHY!).

Ok....I need to earn about 60 activity points a week for the rest of the year to make my goal. Now I know that come summer outdoor activity that I'll earn mad points while working in the garden and with the preservation of the produce. So I will probably make some headway in the summer. Meanwhile.....I USUALLY net between 4-10 points a day. So I really will have to step it up!!! (of course there are some days where I earn upwards to 20....such as last tuesday when I worked out at the gym and then also did Zumba!)

Well, I thought 2500 sounded like a challenge but not out of the ball park. I figured that I would have had lots of AP's wracked up already this year. Uhhhhhh......the year is already more than a quarter of the way through......a quarter of the way would/SHOULD having me at 625 points. So where I am???? 422 as of yesterday! Ok, so I've got my work cut out for me!

Ok, had a question about the ice cream that I talked about the other day.


Yes, it is reduced sugar and yes, it is reduced fat. Does it taste differently. Honestly, I dont' miss it while I"m eating it. Every once in a while I'll splurge and get 'regular' ice cream and THEN I notice how creamy it is. I have the biggest problem with the fat free frozen yogurts that you can get in the tubs.....they taste to ice crystally for me. But back to the reduced fat ice creams......I like them and buy them pretty regularly. I guess for me it still tastes really good and any taste difference is so minute that the 'real' stuff is not worth it to me. I'm sure there are people out there that differ with my thought....but to each his own. (I have things that I refuse to drop down and eat low fat/fat free versions of....ice cream is not one of them). That said, there are some brands that do a better job of the low fat/sf versions of ice cream. So test some out. (Bryers does a great job...and actually nutrition label wise, some of the best choices....but their flavors are somewhat limited. This is the first time I had Blue Bunny....I will buy again!)

And like always...just because it's low fat/sugar free....portion control is VERY important! I usually follow this rule of thumb/tip when buying ice cream to make sure that our portions are correct. :-)

New Goals

Whew....what a day! It started at the crack of dawn and it just continued.....busy busy busy. After work, I made a quick lunch and then Todd and I hopped onto our bikes and headed out for an hour long ride. We got back and had a bit of my new favorite ice cream (it was dang hot out there today). Todd jumped in the shower and left shortly thereafter. I began work. I started at one end of our abode and worked my way across to the other end. Furniture was moved. Floors were scrubbed (hands and knees). Toilets were swished. Carpets were not just vacuumed, carpets were cleaned with my new steam cleaner. Laundry was done. I worked until 7PM...and I'm utterly exhausted! Sore too!

SO while I was doing all this work I was thinking (well, and singing as I was listening to music the whole time)....I fell apart on my mileage goals. Basically I set a goal that was so darn high that it was near impossible. SOOOOO I came up with a new goal. I am a weight watchers....I count points. SO this year, I'm aiming to earn at LEAST 2500 Activity points. For those of you that don't know how activity points work.....for me walking for 15 minutes is roughly 1 activity point. However, if I jog (up the intensity) it goes to 2 points. It is also based on how much I weigh...as I lose.....I'll earn less for the same amount of work. :-) This goal is better for me......for those days when I'm out in the garden shovelling and working REALLY hard....I am still earning activity points. ANd no, I dont' count a simple house clean (1 hour job) in my activity points. Today when I did it for 5 hours without a break...yeah, that is a 'special' occaision and that is counted.

Tonight at some point I'm going to go back through my daily tracker and figure out how many AP's I have already earned this year. :-) I'm always religious about counting them. :-) I'll post my progress up to date tomorrow!

Had my weigh in this morning. I dropped 1.4 pounds. So that pretty much recoups my weight gain from last week.

I'm very determined to NOT splurge and eat like a starving pig this weekend. I will NOT NOT NOT have to step on the scales on Monday and see a gain of 3 pounds (that happened last week) only to spend the next few days working my tail end off to try to at least show a maintain!! That is just so not cool. Sooo if I was showing myself up 3 pounds on MOnday...but still managed to lose after 5 days of being on plan....what the heck can I do if I'm on plan EVERY day!!! I can't wait to find out!

I've got a busy day planned. Already I've been to town and went to City Market for a bit and then went to my weight watcher meeting. I left there and made it work by 7:45. (yes, AM). I work until noon...then off to the house to eat a quick lunch and then I plan on heading out on my bike. Todd works at 3 and that will be my cue to crank up the stereo and do a REALLY good house cleaning. We bought a steam cleaner last night...so I'll be checking that out also tonight. So I've got a busy day planned. :-)

Tomorrow......nothing planned. :-)

Victory!

Ok, I have to admit. Yesterday I didn't get any formal exercise in. I worked until 12 and went straight home. I picked up Todd and we headed to town to run errands and have lunch. We got lots done. We hit up Lowes and got some potting soil and we also picked up some plants for the planters on the front deck No, we didn't buy Lily's...but the lily's were so pretty, I had to snap a picture. We hit up Target, the Christmas Tree Shop, Sam's Club, Best Buy and AC Moore. Lots of errands.

Eating yesterday....well, we went to Hard Times Cafe. We had 10.40 cents off of a purchase of $25. I ordered the Alamo Chicken pasta thingy and a side salad. I ate a half piece of cornbread. They gave free wings with any purchase...so I had 6 wings. I ate the wings as they came first, then the salad. The entree came and I nibbled.....I ate maybe half of it....and then I boxed it up. That is soooo rare for me! I will usually eat until I'm literally sick to my stomach. But not yesterday. And it felt good! It also saved money too...because we only spent $17 on the food...and it was two meals! (Todd had leftovers also!) I did eat my leftovers last night....so I was able to enjoy it a second time also! But seriously, only eating half....literally stopping in the middle of the dish and boxing up the rest...that is HUGE HUGE HUGE for me!

Sooo today I'm back at work for an 8 hour day. I've already been to the gym this morning.....so I'm on track! My eating is also under control. All is right with my world.

Reporting on Zumba

Two and a half hours....that's how long I exercised yesterday. As I mentioned yesterday, I jogged, I lifted weights, I did all sorts of things. And yesterday evening I went to a Zumba class.

Here is my full Synopsis of Zumba.

I got to the building early and stood out on the porch while the earlier class finshed. They were doing their cool down. My first impression was positive as I watched the cool down....it was thourough. That class ended and I went in and talked to the leader. I told her that I have some problems with arthritis in my knees and of course signed my waiver and paid my fee. She talked some about some of the certifications that we would soon be receiving. Zumba sticks????? (apparently it's sticks that you hold and 'shake' while you do your zumba......to work out the upper body more during the class....she stated that she was going to invest in the sticks and if we liked them, we could invest....so who knows) And turbo something or other. (to incorporate more turbo steps into her Zumba classes). So I picked a spot near the back as 'my spot'. And thus it began. What I know to be the warm up song (even though of course she didn't label it as thus) had the sweat glands primed and ready. And it went from there. It was a good workout. Sweat! Breathing deeply! Good stuff!

I liked that it incorporated so much...full body. Kicks, squats, punches, jumps, etc etc etc all within the movements of the'dance'.

Will I go back. I will talk to my husband to make sure that he is ok with me not being around every Tuesday evening...but since I'm sure he won't care...I would have to say YES.

How do I feel this morning? I'm not so much sore.......but my body just feels heavy and tired. :-)

Have I been converted to a Zumba queen? Well, zumba queen....maybe not that far. But if given the opportunity to go to a class today...I would again. Will I be excited to go next week...yes. SO it that's a zumba convert (zumba queen) then I guess I'm there. :-)

My only problem.....yesterday morning while I was at the gym I had some pain in my right ankle. I kept moving and when I got home wore a brace for a while.......took it off for a while and then wore it on my ankle during Zumba. My ankle was SORE SORE SORE during Zumba. By the end of the class I was still doing the hops (on movements that incorporated a hop or bounce) on my left foot, but had to modify the right foot. Being off the ankle all night seems to have helped. :-)

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I told Todd yesterday that no matter what I felt like....I WAS going to do something active today. A bike ride, a trip to the gym, a walk....SOMETHING! So I hope he cooperates with me.

Excuses

Last week I wasn't able to exercise so last night when I stepped onto the treadmill, I was not sure how my body would respond to the command to run (ok, so I'm not full out running...I'm jogging). It was rough. I had last run 3 minutes and walked 2 back and forth. And I felt as if I didn't need the complete 2 minute recovery walk time. I didn't feel ready to jog again before the end of my recovery time...but I perservered.

This morning I went to the gym again and attacked that darn treadmill. Same cycle 2-3. I got to talking to my mom though and lost track of time on my second to last jog and ended up not jogging it. Did I let that deter me? NO. I figured it out when I had 7 minutes left.....I simply picked up the pace and jogged for 6 minutes straight. SIX MINUTES STRAIGHT! WOOOO doggie. Admittedly, I had to step off and catch my breath at the end of the six minutes but I did it!

Been thinking a lot lately....is it possible to lose weight without exercise.....Yes, I think it is. I think it's just so much slower and I think the exercsie really does make us lose it more proportionatly (keeps us looking human and not some weird shaped person....huge butt but narrow shoulders....or whatever)

Yesterday evening after my treadmill time, I moved up to the bikes and rode. A sadness overtook me. I became sad with myself. I sit back and say how frustrated I am because I'm not losing weight at the rate that I wish to lose. I get depressed when I have setbacks and gain some weight. But that wasn't why I was sad. I was sad because last night I just sat there and realized that I've done it to myself. ME MYSELF AND I have caused me to not lose weight at a good pace. MY MYSELF AND I have caused me to show gains on various weeks. It is MY actions that have caused it. Yes, I showed a gain last week...and I can blame it on my not being able to exercise...but ultimately, I ate the food that caused the gain. (I had my plan to negate that food and it fell through, yes...but ULTIMATELY I ATE THE FOOD). I can use every excuse in the book, and they may be valid ones....But, excuses or not, no one is forcing me to shovel food into my mouth. If I keep my eating under control, I would still be halfway there....still losing, if only slowly.

A weekend

How utterly fitting that last weeks weight watcher meeting was about surviving and thriving on weekends. I have been doing miserably on the weekends. I used to weigh in early in the week. It worked for me as I weighed in right after my weekend....so I kept a really close reign on my eating over the weekend. I now weigh in on Saturday mornings......so my weekend looms and I don't have that thought in my head. It's bad of me, but I tend to overeat on the weekends now. So I have to get my weekend mo-jo in line.

So you may be wondering how I did this past weekend. Not overly bad. I didn't go hog wild on my points. I didn't eat so much that I'm in the hole. I actually did utilize about 20 weekly points. What did I eat? Saturday: A breakfast egg sandwich and some hash brown potatoes, lunch was a side salad and a turkey sandwich. Dinner was southwestern chicken and one piece of cornbread with applesauce for dessert. So nothing really 'bad'. Yes, lacking in the fruits and veggies department. Sunday: Breakfast was toast (light bread, light butter and a smidge of pumpkin butter) Lunch was turkey sloppy joes and a small serving of homemade potato salad and grapes. Dinner was a turkey cheese sandwich (flatbread) and yikes....potato chips. Oh yes, I did have one....ONE....golden oreo cookie on Sunday.

So not toooo bad (we ate out too much)...but enough to fly through my points and cause my weight to jump today. Darn carbs.....I was heavy on the sandwiches....bread!!!

It's amazing how quickly those points add up! Tooo dang quickly if you ask me. :-)

Ok, no crying over lost points........back on track today.
Breakfast: raspberry, banana smoothie (4 points)
Lunch: Corn, green beans, strawberries, banana (5 points)
Dinner: Pb&J, banana, grapes (8 points)
Snack in the evening: TBD (but I'll have points left for popcorn or something after my workout)

Why is my diner so lunch boxish? Because that is exactly what it is. I packed my lunch and dinner and brought both to work. I also packed my workout clothes. Even though my house is right on the way to the gym...I will not stop, because if I do I will end up skipping the gym!!!!

Hold me to it.......GYM GYM GYM!

Lessons in weight loss

Lessons I've learned about weight loss

1. Desire- There has to be a deep rooted desire. This is not an easy road. It is a long arduous journey that needs to withstand pressure and pitfalls along with the sucesses. This desire must carry you through.

2. Realization- One needs to recognize and realize what habits (food and exercise) are poor choices and what are good choices. For example, realizing that drinking water may be a better choice than soda pop.

3. Will power- After recognizing the choices that we are about to make as good or bad we need to pull out every ounce of strength that we have. For me it's strength to resist the voices in my head. I have the fat mini me screaming in my ear. Rationalizing why I should eat it. "eat that piece of cake....it's your mom's birthday....celebrate." Or, "You've already blown your points allowance for today.....go ahead...live big." or for me this past week, "Your laying on the couch recovering.......snack while you do so". The fat mini me has lots of good arguments. Will power is resisting those arguments and saying, "NO...I'm chosing health!" That's a lot easier said than done!

4. Motivation- Desire is a good motivator. But it falls short. Motivation is actually putting thoughts and mental pictures to the reasons for your desire to lose weight. For me, it's a vintage dress that hangs on my wall It's a mental picture of myself at a thinner weight. It's memories of how good I felt physically and emotionally when i was at my goal weight. I have to keep those thoughts in the forefront of my mind! It's that drive that pushes you out of your comfort zone to exercise. Exercise doesn't come naturally for most of us, it is motivation to succeed at my goals that makes me want to exercise!

4. You have to feel as if you are worth it! If you feel unworthy, you are NOT going to make the effort. And it is an effort. It's well worth it, but it's still an effort. IF you have to repeat it over and over to yourself...do so. Say it, "I AM WORTH IT!" Say that over and over again! Sooner or later you will start to believe it!

5. BELIEVE in yourself. Self doubt is only going to sabatage your weight loss efforts! BELIEVE!!!

6. Celebration



I have to get BACK to the middle picture...but that was a success I have...now it's motivation...becasue as you see, the all go hand in hand. Without desire, you have no motivation. Without realization you can have no will power. With no will power, you can have no success. Or I should say you will only have limited success.

I'm a tree hugger....and I'm so tickled to see that Paula is doing an earth day give away....so visit her and see if you can win

My focus

I'm back to work...so one day closer to being fully recovered!

Stress is mounting again.....I just want to scream, WHY ME??? It's stuff I have no control over....I'm just on a roller coaster waiting to figure out when it's going to stop and where I can get off. I'm trying to get my eating and exercise under control and honestly stress does NOT help!

Focus on what I can control.....focus on what I can control....focus on what I can control!

Plans

Best laid plans...... I ate a bit extra over the weekend. I knew it and I had my plan in place to counteract that eating. All was going well.....until I got home Sunday night. I noticed a slight problem with my health and well being. I watched it on Monday and on Tuesday I KNEW I had to call the doctor ASAP. I called them, they had me come in immediately and I had to have a small medical procedure. I'm moving very gingerly because I'm SORE. So there goes exercise. DRAT!

I'm just facing the music that my weigh in will probably be not all that great!

Drama at my work also....which is sooo not going to help in my weight loss attempts! ARRGGHHH

Back in the saddle

Back on track! No more eating extras. I have 5 days to work for a loss (or at least recoup what I may have gained this weekend....to have a maintain at my meeting). I was so determined to get up this morning and ride the exercise bike for an hour. I set the alarm for a time that would allow it. The alarm DID go off...but I couldn't drag myself from the bed. I reset it and promptly fell back asleep! Tonight...I've got to do something. Maybe I'll go up to the gym. I was toying with working in the garden tonight...but I may do the gym thing instead. :-)

Soooo, food for today. Breakfast....a fruit smoothie. Lunch, is my normal fruit and vegetable meal.....that leaves dinner and I may actually make another smoothie. Honestly, after eating those higher fatty foods all weekend, my body IS literally craving the fruits and veggies.

The step challenge....my pedometer steps for last week:
April 12: 8666
April 13: 5039
April 14: 10582
April 15: 2109
April 16: 5406
The average steps 6360.40

I don't know what's wrong with me. I am exhausted. I am totally void of energy (could it be my food.....duh) I feel like crying. Just some kind of emotional glitch I guesss.

Shoo fly pie and all things Lancaster County

Shoo fly pie, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Years ago, I lived in Lancaster County Pennyslvania. I picked up some loves. Shoo Fly pie was one. Visits to farmers markets was another. Wilburs chocolate.....oh yes. Those things just scream my childhood. (although Wilburs stopped carrying lemon drops in their store and that makes me sad). Today Todd and drove to Lancaster County and hit up some places so that I could indulge in m childhood memories. We hit up Wilburs and I bought a small piece or two of chocolate. We hit up The Green Dragon. I did not do what I used to do...which would be to by a full shoo fly pie. I just made sure that we went to a place for dinner that had a decent wet bottom shoo fly pie. And yes....I indulged. Stop curling your lips....shoo fly pie is super yummy.....how I describe it to people...it's kinda like a pecan pie...~~a little sweeter~~ but this has no pecans! Yes, that picture is the actual piece of pie that I ate. I was in full out orgasmic pleasure while eating it too!

I tracked EACH and every bite that I ate today. (ooohhh wait...I have to go on and put my chocolate covered pretzels! I forgot those). I've drank a fair amount of water. I've done as well as possible.

The victory came at dinner. We were at a buffet (The Family Cupboard for those of you that know the Lancaster area). I started with a plate of veggies. The only thing non-veggie on the plate was about 3 teaspoons of mac-n-cheese and about 3 teaspoons of stuffing/dressing. I LOVED everything on that plate. The second plate I went back and got some mashed potatoes with chicken gravy......a piece of ham with some pineapple sauce.....some macaroni salad and a whole wheat dinner roll. I took a bite of the mashed potatoes.......I thought about it and decided to not eat them. Mine taste better (these were instant...why should I waste my points on instant, when I don't even serve those at my house...it's real or nothing). Pushed those aside. I do have to say that I ate the mac salad. I took one bite of the ham. I haven't had ham in ages. I eat pork very rarely, only a hair more than I eat beef. That bite was NASTY! EWWW. Instead of forcing myself to eat it for the sake of eating, that piece of ham was pushed over by the mashed potatoes. No problem...I'll eat my roll. I buttered it up.. But it just didn't hit the spot...so I ate 1/4 of it and that went on top of the potatoes and the plate was pushed away. I didn't eat stuff I didn't like nor want very much! Yes, it was a waste of food...but better to waste food versus shovel it into my body mindlessly.

We got to our hotel. I did 40 minutes of swimming. I didn't go to thefitness center...but instead same in the pool...my legs and arms moving the whole time!!!!

Drumroll please!

Okey dokey guys, this is it.....the results are in! I weighed in tonight and lost 3.2 pounds. This puts my grand total at 89 pounds lost! I WILL get back to my goal weight!

Am I ready?

Am I ready to have a few days off. To spend time with my husband and visit our friends? Absolutely! Todd and I are in desperate need of some time away from it all...just the two of us. I'm super excited to see Donna and Andy...it's been so long!

Am I ready? Do I have a game plan made for our weekend away to Lancaster County (and beyond)...to the land of good food...shoo-fly pie and other delicious delicacies? Yes, I have a plan. I want to ride the exercise bike in the AM before leaving for home. Our hotel has a fitness center and an indoor pool. I want to utlize at least one of those Friday evening...and again on Saturday morning. Sunday of course I'll be riding. :-) Eating.....just make wise choices...that's my plan. (and then kill it at the gym upon my return).

Am I ready and packed? Pretty much...I have a few more things to throw together tonight. I have to finish putting stuff in the car and then of course the last minute things tomorrow morning.

Am I ready to exercise today? Heck no. My knees are bothering me. My legs feel super heavy. I just feel run down. I have thusly decided to take today of of exercise. I'm due a day off, so it's no biggie. I actually haven't had a full day off in a while. I didn't formally exercise yesterday but I used the push mower and then hauled brush....quite a workout actually! My body is screaming for a break...I need to give it one.

Am I ready to weigh in tonight? Actually yes. Even though it's 2 days earlier than my normal weigh in day. I'm ready. I'm not going to jump up and down and shout it from the mountaintop, but I will say that according to my home scales I should be happy with my results tonight. I made myself a smoothie for breakfast and ate fruit and veggies for lunch. I'm good to go.

Am I ready to continue losing weight? Absolutely! I was looking back at an old picture the other day. It was of me when I had reached my goal weight (which was 180 pounds........still 15 pounds over where the BMI tells me to be...but it's where my Doctor recommended) and I was maintaining that weight. I didn't see how I looked at that time. But I looked at that picture and I saw it. Yeah, I still had my problem areas....but heavens looking at that picture, I could see exactly how much weight I had lost and sadly how much weight I have regained!



Are you ready?????

I amaze myself sometimes

I am finally starting to realize exactly how little I've expected from my body AND exactly how much my body has to give. I've preached my mantra over and over. The exercise one that is. "Fat hurts a whole lot more than the temporary pain of exercise". I am at the gym and I repeat that to myself over and over and over again. When I want to quit, I make that comment in my head. When I don't want to start, I say it. When the time that I set aside in my head is up, I say that in my head and push longer! A week and a half ago, I got on the treadmill and decided to start jogging/running some. I jogged 2 minutes out of every 5 and I felt like my lungs were going to collapse when I sucked air in. A time or two later, I switched it to 3 minutes out of every 5. Not to bad....I was counting down the timer to finish up those three minute segments.....but when I reached the end of my pre-determined time on the tread...I decided to go for another 20 minutes. Running and walking off and on. Yesterday I felt ready to bump it up to 4 minutes jogging, 1 minute off. But instead I decided to try to jog for 5 complete minutes at a time. Hey, lets go big. I did it! NO PROBLEM! I did it AND talked to my mom the whole time....she was on the treadmill the whole time. I wasn't breathing smoothly...and my talking was a bit more of a pant...but hey.....I did it! I noticed that after only 2 minutes my heart rate and breathing had stabalized and I actually felt well enough to jog again. Amazing!

Sooooo last night on The Biggest Loser (yes, I watch....I don'tagree with how FAST they lose it...but they are doing the work to lose it....and that is inspirational) So anyway, last night micheal was on the treadmill and he finished that first mile. He was soooooo tickled with himself. You could see the pride and joy on his face. I was cheering for him as he was telling Bob....all full of pride. I have to admit...his face when Bob said "make it two" was priceless. He was literally floored and that sense of happiness was replaced by shock.....I smiled. But he got back on that treadmill....and started jogging. The next time we saw Micheal, he had that look of pure joy again when he announced to Bob that he had not only down 2 miles....he was at 2.5 miles. Once again, that joy was turned to incredulous disbelief as Bob said, "make it a 5K (3.1 miles). Micheal got back on that treadmill and did it. Is that the end of the story? Heck no.......When that 5k was completed Bob turned around and wiped that pure joy off his face one more time by demanding.....Make it 5 miles. And Micheal DID IT! He ran 5 miles at Just shy of 400 pounds (at least I think that's where he's at right now). You could literally see the pride and sense of accomplishment oozing from him! At the weigh in (or somewhere toward the end of the episode) Micheal said that he had run 5 miles EVERY day since that occurance.

So it got me to thinking. How much can we do that we have no clue we can accomplish? No, I don't think I could run 5 miles at this point. But You know what.......2 weeks ago I could barely run 2 minutes without fear of collapse, and look at me...I can run 5 minutes straight.....and I aim to push that longer on my next visit to the gym. What else am I afraid to do because I have let self doubt rule? I don't have a BOB in my life to push me on. (my mom was with me and she is a great motivational partner...but she freaks out when she sees my face get red and she sees me breathing deeply.....she doesn't want to see me in pain and pushing myself does bring pain...TEMPORARY pain....however in the long run it removes pain...it removes the pain of being fat). So without Bob in my life to push me to places I didn't kow I was capable, I've got to push myself and rely on my frinds to throw out challenges to me when they see fit. To help push me from my comfort zone!

Dang.....

I woke up early this morning and my first thought was "dang, I don't want to go to the gym." So I rolled over, curled up against my husband and promptly fell back asleep. I woke up a bit later. I got up to go to the bathroom and as I walked across the room I thought, "Dang, I CAN'T go to the gym...my legs feel like they weigh a ton". I did my business, stumbled back across the room, fell into bed, snuggled up against my husband and fell back asleep. I finally woke up for good and instead of getting out of bed I picked up my book and started reading. When my husband woke up I asked him if he wanted to go to the gym. (It's always easier to not go if the other person doesn't go). He waffled. And finally I said...."lets just go and get it over with". So I did. I figured I could just walk or do something light. I called my mom and we met her at the gym. I got on a treadmill beside her and started walking....and then I remembered my mantra. "Fat hurts worse than any exercise" and I kicked it up. I jogged. I jogged in 5 minute increments...no stopping....5 minutes walking....5 minutes jogging.....5 minutes walking...5 minutes jogging.....over and over. I did it with a smile on my lips. I then went on to my strength training...I upped my weights on almost everything. (I'm sore now!) I pushed through the lack of motivation and I pushed through the pain (the heavy legs....the seized up muscle in my shoulder) and just did it!

Walking

Park museum, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

What a gorgeous day for a walk!!!! No, I didn't walk at the park today. I actually took this picture yesterday....but the park is a great place to walk! I walked back in the woods behind my house. We were actually on a mushroom hunt. Sadly we didn't find any....well, not edible ones at any rate.

I strapped on my pedometer this morning and I'm counting my steps. I'm thinking that I'll get a TON of steps in the next two weeks as I'm getting ready to walk in a March for the babies walk (March of Dimes). That walk will take place on April 24th. If it was a bit further out, I would probably raise money for this walk, but two weeks is not much time....so I"ll just donate myself and maybe later this year I'll raise money for another cause.

We are a week out from GWG. WHEW....I'm going to be a busy girl the next few weeks!

smoothie

smoothie, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

YUMMY. This is my new favorite thing....smoothies. I usually don't like smoothies....basically because of the heavy use of milk. However, I am not using much milk in my smoothies... Really tasty. I literally throw some berries in there (frozen from last year) a banana some agave nectar and a splash of milk. SUper tasty!

I woke up early and rode the exercise bike.....I knew that if I didn't do it early that there was a VERY good chance that I would get to it at all. So I just woke up and did it. Happy that I did too.

Getting ready to wear my pedometer starting tomorrow for a challenge that I want to participate in.. I'm also fixing to walk a lot in preparation for the weight watchers walking challenge AND I just had a friend send an email out asking for someone to be accountable with to wear a pedometer every day and to post our results. Hello...this MUST be a sign that I need to walk more. haa haa haa

I've had a busy day! I woke up early....made myself a smoothie (frozen strawberries that I froze last year, small banana, agave nectar, and a splash of milk), put it in my glass and headed out to my weigh in. I gained 4/10ths of a pound. I'm ok with that. I wish it were different...but I'm ok with it. I left my meeting and went right to the gym. I have been walking 3 minutes and then jogging 2 minutes for a total of 30 minutes. Today I went to 46 minutes...and I did walk 2 minutes and jog 3 minutes. And I made it!! I also did weights! so a good day at the gym. After that I went to hang out with my mom for the day. Nice and relaxing. I just got home....so I'm going to bed!!! It's been a long day! More deep thoughts tomorrow (haa haa haa....like my thoughts are deep!)

Ghost or Gremlins

Yesterday I was so excited about my weight loss that was showing on the scales. I was in disbelief. I stepped off the scales and reweighed myself. It was the same. WOOOOOO HOOOO! I was ready to celebrate. But in the back of my mind I was thinking, "This is too good to be true". SO this morning I stepped onto the scales again......oh yeah....right back to where I expected it to be (a maintain for all intense purposes...possibly a small gain). I double checked it this morning...the same. Now there is no way that I gained 8 pounds!!! No flippin' way! So thus I'm convinced that my scales are posessed by the weight loss demon!

That's all I have to say this morning...I'm reeling from my weigh in. Even though it was what I expected all along...I'm still reeling.

Ok, after my excitement midweek last week, I'm almost scared to talk about my morning. But heck, I'm going to do it. It's life and it if turns on me...so be it. I haven't weighed myself since my weigh in day (Saturday). I've eaten a lot....but I've exercised a lot. I've been actually rather nervous. Just hoping that my activity was enough to keep my weight at a maintain level. So this morning I decided to step onto the scales. I looked down and kept looking as the room spinned madly out of control. I about likely fell off the scale. How could it be????? I was showing just about 7 pounds down! In a week???? I haven't had a loss like that since I first joined weight watchers. Holy Moley! So you can see that I'm excited....but I know that there are two more days before weigh in and anything can happen.

Yesterday I got up early and exercised, but I also threw my bike clothes in my duffel bag and threw the bike on top of the car before heading to work. All day long those internal voices argued quite loudly in my head. They said things like, "ohhh MaryFran, you've already exercised today, why go tonight", and "You hate to ride by yourself", and "why bother". I argued back with them all day with the arguments such as "I'm tired of being fat", "I have a bike ride coming up" and then simply "SHUT UP" Sooooo I'm happy to announce that when I got off work I pulled the bike off the top of the car and jumped on my bike (I hate hate hate riding on the road I live on...the 2.5 miles in and out are hideous.....and NARROW, so it's rather unsafe). I rode for an hour. I haven't been out much on the road on my bike this year thus far. I think tortoises were going faster than me up some of those hills. But I perservered. My feet did not touch the ground once during the ride (well, except for when two rednecks in their trucks stopped to talk and blocked the road making me have to stop behind them and wait for their toothless conversation to end. I used the time to hook myself up with a nice long drink of water.)

All in all it was so exhilerating to be out on the road, the wind in my face, the sun warming my skin, good music playing on my ipod and the smell of a freshly fertilized fields filling up my lungs with that fresh country smell. (that smell for you city folk would be manure.....good old fashioned SHIT). If only I could remember how good it feels to be exercising and how good I feel AFTER I exercise.....it's absolutely wonderful. So why do I bulk about doing it???? I dread starting! All day I warred within myself about going. Why?

Furthermore.....I exercised for 2 hours yesterday! You would think I would be devoid of energy. NO, not even remotely. I got home last night and cleaned the kitchen....down on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor clean! So my belief that exercise brings more energy holds true!

Well....I have no clue where I am at this week. I haven't weighed myself. I'm debating back and forth between weighing myself tomorrow or waiting until Saturday. I've eaten a whole lot of food!!!! Those 35 flex points have been LONG GONE. I've earned 60 activity points....I've only got 25 of those left...yikes! That's a whole lot of eating!

But I'm here! Today someone in a group that I am part of asked for quotes or things that we think and keep in our heads to help us in our every day world....here are some that I came up with.

1. The old Army (I think it was army) jingle. "Be all that you can be" So perfect because so many times we DON'T live up to our potential!!!!

2. The nike slogan recently has hit me. "JUST DO IT" We sit back and let our worries and our self doubts hold us back. Why? What is the worst that is going to happen???? Just do it. No holds barred!

3. The only failure is not trying and/or giving up

4. weight loss related:
a. No food tastes as good as thin feels.
b. No exercise hurts more than fat does.

5. LIVE BIG! I got this one from my brother when my grandmother passed away a few years back. He said "she lived big" And it was true. My grandmother did what made her happy. She did stuff for a laugh and to make herself and others around her happy. She was generous to a fault but she lived big. She didn't do things in halves...she did them the whole way! She lived her life like everyday could be her last!

My plan for the week

I woke up early...got my creaky sore muscles moving (and boy was I sore after all that yard work yesterday) and I got my butt up to the gym. 45 min of cardio and roughly 20-25 minutes of strength training. I'm now at work...and sitting here, I can feel my body and muscles tightening back up. I brought my tennis shoes to work, so I plan on popping those on and walking around town a bit for my lunch break....just to loosen up a bit. (and hey....30 minutes of walking will net me at least 1 more...most likely 2 more Activity points!) I've eaten a good deal the last few days. I have a plan in in my mind. I want to end my week with at least 35 unused activity points. I've already used ALL of my weekly points and some of my activity points that I've already earned this week. Tomorrow is my anniversary and I know I'll be eating some extra points at dinner. (we are going to Durangos...it's a locally owned Spanish Restaurant). BUT, I'll also be working out in the yard again ALL day. (I told Todd that I would be willing to sacrifice our anniversary day off together to work in the yard on one condition......the MaryFran kitchen is closed......no food will come out of my kitchen. He agreed....although I may relax my guard and thus we will probably do breakfast at home....that would be overkill....haa haa haa) So anyway......As of right now I've earned 40 AP points....but because of what I've eaten, I only have 32.5 points of those AP left. Thus, I have to eat perfectly (just daily points) and earn 2.5 AP points and I will have satisfied my challenge for this week. (or earn a heck of a lot more AP points if I indulge tomorrow night).

I receive the little blurb from The Biggest Loser. For the most part it's an advertisement to join their club (Nope, not going to do that....I'm a weight watchers girl) and a reminder/recap of the weeks episode. But they also throw in some little tidbits. In the most recent email they challenged everyone to list the Top 5 things....I thought it would be fun!

Top 5 victories you've experienced up to now in your journey.
1. Dropping below 200 pounds
2. Hitting my goal weight (which admittedly is the top end of the doctors goal for me)
3. Making lifetime at weight watchers.
4. Having the perseverance to not give up even as I watched myself slip backwards
5. No longer being obese.


Top 5 goals you want to accomplish this year.
Ok, I'm cheating a bit.....because some of the answers in the first one are also part of the second...I've slipped and lost those things and I want them back DESPERATELY!

1. Get below 200 pounds
2. Be no longer considered obese. (for my height that is 196.5 pounds)
3. Return to the doctor approved goal of 180 pounds...which will also put me back at non- paying status at weight watchers!
4. I want to run. I've tried it before and my knees sometimes don't appreciate it. But I
want to run! So I'll baby my knees and see what happens. (I can for 10 out of my 30 minute
workout at the gym this morning and I feel as if I REALLY worked out!)
5. Fit in my clothes again.....to not constantly be scrambling for something to wear...while
looking at a closet full of clothes that are too small! (ha, wouldn't it be a hoot if I
lose weight and get smaller than those clothes and still be scrambling.....having to buy!)



Top 5 strategies you use to help make healthy choices consistently.
1. My mantra......No food tastes as good as thin feels
2. My exercise mantra......No exercise hurts worse than fat feels.
3. Surround myself with support in my efforts. Through my blog, friends, family, whatever!
4. Focus on treating myself in healthy ways, which will help eliminate the desire to indulge
in the unhealthy things (like banana splits......blizzards....etc etc etc) I can do this by
making healthy substitutions at home and by creating my own healthy treats.
5. Put me first!!!!!!!!!! Yes, still take care of my responsibilities...but put myself much
much higher on that list of priorities!


Top 5 skills or physical attributes that you're proud of.
1. Perseverance. I'm proud that I persevere....to the point of stubbornness sometimes.
2. My legs....my calf muscles are strong.....
3. My humor....I like my sense of humor. Yes, it's a bit warped, but I like it...
4. A skill...my cooking skills. I am proud/happy with my skills. It comes in handy
for this journey too! :-)
5. My craftiness. No...not crafty as in 'shady' or shifty...in a bad way. But the way skill
that I have to be able to dabble with almost any craft and while I may not be a mater at it,
I do fairly well at what I set my mind to!



Top 5 places you want to go — and what you are looking forward to doing when you go there.
1. Disney World- I haven't been there since we moved North from Florida. I would like to
go again. What am I looking forward to doing? For me it's more memory land...nolstalgic.
2. Germany- I don't know what I look forward to doing. I have just always been very
intrigued and have always wanted to go.
3. Caribbean- I look forward to wearing a bathing suit and LOOKING GOOD!
4. Visits with my brother....I want to go again. (northern Indiana) I look forward to being
with the family that I love so desperately, but don't get to see all that often.
5. Simply to get in the car and drive.....stop when I want to stop, stay where I want to stay
and just see the country.

Wow....so yesterday, had a good weigh in......stayed away from the baked sale outside of work....came home and worked all afternoon in the yard. Earned a butt load of activity points.....went out to dinner with mom and dad and at 47 weight watchers points for dinner. Uhhhh yeah. Can we say that I blew not only my daily points, but my weekly 35 (ohh wait...I have 1.5 left for the week). I tracked everything...does that count as a positive????

Let me tell you....my body SCREAMED at me for the food that I ate last night too. It was a lot of high fat choices....and shortly after dinner my belly was letting me know that it did NOT like my choices!

SO I thought....no problem. I can handle this. I can eat really straight and finish my week with 1.5 left of those weekly points. I worried a bit about Tuesday as it is our anniversary and we are going to a fav locally owned restaurant...but I thought, "I can do this". So let me recap my day. I woke up and ate a nice light breakfast (a light english muffin with promise free butter....1 point total). We decided to skip church (we are heathens I know...and on Easter SUnday....but we ARE making headway in actually finding a church that we can both be happy attending.......lots of church visits happening) and instead we threw the bikes on top of the car and ran down to Charlestown and went to the Home Depot and then hopped on the canal across from Harpers Ferry and rode our bikes. The only problem....when we left Home Depot it was lunch time...so we ended up going into Panera Bread. I thought I chose wisely.....1/2 Sierra Turkey Sandwich and a half classic salad with an apple as my side. I drank water (out of my ever present water jug). Turns out lunch was 14 points (I was full and didn't eat the apple). So anyway, we were fueled and ready to ride. We had a delightful ride on our bikes. Just an hour.....netted me some activity points. We came back and I got ready to head out to the yard. I was hungry...I grabbed a serving of fat free chips....and then because I was still wanting more chips..I switched to a more nutritious granola style bar. (can we say a total of 4 more points). Out we went. More yard work...I finished moving the hellacious pile of top soil that we found hidden under brush that we just cleared out (actually it looks like it was 4 loads of top soil), I mowed, I rakes up the clippings. I cleared brush. I moved logs. I worked my tail end off. (thank goodness for activity points.) FInally I came inside and made some potato salad for dinner....and fiddled around in the kitchen and put the laundry away (I ran through three loads of laundry today and lined dried them all). Daily points for today...including dinner.....37! Arrgghh I only get 28 a day. At least that is my DAY total and not one meal (heck, last nights meal was more than my whole day today!) I'm workign on my Activity points now.

Soooooo I"m working hard and I'm trying to tell myself not to freak out about actually eating more food.....but I can't help but panic about what I'm eating!!!!!

Happy or sad...that is the question

Should I be happy or sad? I'm conflicted. Why am I conflicted???? Well, I think I alluded to the fact that at midweek my weight was showing down by about 3 pounds. I was tickled. I stayed within my points for the latter part of the week, however addmittedly with a few extra carbs. So I stepped onto the scales this morning at my meeting. 1.6 pounds down. YAY!!!! 1.6 pounds!!!! 1.6 pounds is a really healthy weight loss for a week!!! But wait just a cotton pickin' minute. 1.6 pounds is NOT 3 pounds! What the heckeroo???? Give me my 3 stinkin' pounds!!!!! I earned 38 freakin' activity points this past week!!!! I was an activity producing demon! My scales were showing 3 pounds!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAA But like I said, I'm conflicted....even as I typed my waaaaa, I was going....YAY 1.6 pounds!

So I'm going to take the YAY and just be happy with my loss!

Resisting the bake sale again while I'm here at work!

Lack of understanding

Each year during Good Friday and the Saturday before Easter the Ladies Axillary sets up a baked good both in the town square here in Sharpsburg (the boy scouts sell flowers and the girl Scout's peddle their cookies too). I work in the bank....that sits on the town square. So all day long as I sit at my teller window, I'm looking out over the bake sale. I decided that I would not indulge in the bake sale this year. (In past years I've been able to resist the temptation of purchasing...but I will admit to sampling the goods that my co-workers bring back from their forays out to the tables). I was good today. I resisted. My co-workers talked about what they had for sell. I saw more ladies bring baked goods as the day progressed. We discussed it at work. I smelled the yummy sweetness as my co-workers devoured their purchases. I eyeballed the cakes that my co-workers purchased to take home to their families. I held firm.

There is no food that tastes as good as thin feels.

So why am I talking about this. No, I don't want a pat on the back (although I am proud of myself). Tyler, a co-worker offered to buy me something when he headed out. "just a cupcake or something." I resisted. Then he came in and he wanted to offer me some of his white chocolate covered pretzel stuff (Bark). I refused. Then it was peanut butter fudge. He kept hounding me to eat some. "JUST a tiny little piece" I kept refusing. He kept pushing telling me that just one tiny little piece wouldn't hurt me. Finally I was fed up and said, "TYLER, I'm addicted to food....I can't just have one little bite.....I know me, I would be inclined to run out to that table, buy more and eat more!" (as a side note I would be looking for that 'high' that rush that I get from tasting something so scrumptious....intrinsically I know that the first bite high is just that...only a first bite....but my addicted mind doesn't accept that knowledge as fact). My co-worker had a look on his face. He had no clue what I was talking about and started making comments about "It's just food.....food is everywhere." I looked at him and said "exactly...I face my addiction over and over and over every day."

I went on and asked him a question. I said, "Tyler, if I told you I was addicted to cigarettes or drugs, or alcohol would you be sitting here trying to push those vices upon me? That is what you are doing with food" He tried to tell me it was a totally different situation.....I answered and said, "yes, it is different, if I were addicted to one of those other things I could remove myself from temptations, remove the vice from my life so to speak. But with food I HAVE to continue to eat, but I have to do so in a way that my addiction doesn't flare out of control. He never said he understood, but I noticed he didn't try to push anymore.

Food addiction is not something that people understand. People don't understand that it's something that has to be guarded against. It's an addiction....no a disease.....that is mis-understood! The sad part about it...until the people around us REALLY accept that it's an addiction and truly understand it, they do not have the tools to help us overcome. They think they are being nice by offering food.........

Well well well....I worked outside for a few hours yesterday and boy is my upper body sore!!!!

My eating has been on target this week. My weight was a bit up this morning...not sure why but I have my suspicions (it seems as if when I drink a diet soda in the evening that my weight pops up the next morning...I know that there is sodium in diet soda....so I'm thinking that's the culprit). But no worries...I'm still trucking along. I woke up early this morning and made an egg and cheese sandwich and then I went for a nice walk on the canal. I brought my shoes to walk on my lunch break and weeee my plan is to get home tonight and ride the exercise bike for at LEAST an hour. I also plan on doing a new video that I picked up....strength training stuff. We'll have to see how that goes. My original plan was to head to the gym tonight...but I realized that I have no clean jeans....and tomorrow is jeans day here at work...Oh yeah, I'm washing them tonight!!! So laundry tonight. Not a big deal....I can exercise at home!

The fear of being thin. I've been thinking a lot about this fear a lot lately. I lost a lot of my weight on the motivation that when I was thin, things would miraculously be rosy. Yeah, I also wanted to do it for my health. But a lot was to fix the woes in my life. So when I got to my goal weight and the problems were still there, I became disillusioned. Sadly this caused me to stop caring....and I regained weight. Now i'm not saying that this is all of it....I've tried to lose the weight in the ensuing months...but overall, I wasn't really into it because I didn't want to face the truth. And that truth? That the bad things that happen in my life are not all directly related to my obesity. I've been taking steps to look at the negatives in my life and to really work on the issues at hand versus losing weight as an solution. It has caused a lot of stress, but in doing it I'm slowly coming out ahead and I think I'm finally looking at weight loss in a healthy (sorry for the pun) light. I want to lose weight first and foremost for my health (that has always been a given...and it hasn't changed). But i want to lose weight because I remember how wonderful I felt in my own skin. I liked how my energy level was just super high. I liked the self confidence that I felt. I'm losing weight to return to those feelings! ALL for me!!! No-one else.

Proof of my visit

Proof of my visit, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I've been typing that I'm back on track, but I thought I would give some visual proof of my many visits to the gym this week. I'm workin' it!

I hadn't stepped onto the scales in a couple days. I have to say..YIPPEE SKIPPEEE, if I hold it together for the next 3 days, I will show a NICE loss. As of right night it's a nice loss......I just get excited thinking about what it could be with 3 more days of exercise and proper eating! Giddy even.

The stress keeps coming....in addition to all the stress that I've been under in recent weeks and months, something else was just dumped onto me. Ok, maybe this new thing isn't stress......but it's something that has my blood so boiling mad that I can barely see straight. Work problems if you must know. Lets just say that I've been generally looking for a new job......I just kicked up the energy level on my job hunt!

But, I'm gonna keep telling myself.......there is only one thing that I have total control of in all of this....and that's my eating and exercise. I am the only one that is in charge of what food I shovel into my mouth. I am the one that is ultimately in charge of how much I exercise (yeah, there are days where life gets in the way...but ultimately I chose to let it get in the way or not).

Not to much to say this overcast Monday morning. I have got to reign in my weekend eating. I've always had my weight watcher weigh in right after my weekend.....which has kept me in line. But now I'm weighing in at the beginning of my weekend and I can see a trend....overeat the weekend and then try to pull it together throughout the week. I think it's good to have one 'free' meal....but not a weekend of them!

I woke up this morning and while breakfast was in the oven I hopped on the exercise bike and rode. I got 30 minutes in this morning and hope to get more in tonight!! And I've already informed Todd that I'll be gyming it tomorrow morning. He has declined to join me...but no matter....I'll be there!

A pain in the arse

Last night I went to bed and I got into bed and I had a pain hit me. I tried to move so that it didn't hurt but every movement sent shooting pains through me. Where was this pain you ask?????? It was in my left butt cheek and down through my upper leg. HEavens...I've never had a butt ache before! That was in addition to the stomach muscle pains from my ab work, The shoulder pain, the arm pains....the tight calves from the long time on the elliptical.....shall I continue??? But anyway...the butt pain is really a first. I woke up and the butt pain had subsided, thank heavens.

So thusly I decided that today would be a day of rest from exercise for me! I did move furniture around the house and clean....if that counts. Ok ok ok, it didn't take all that long. :-)

The good news? My muscles feel much better tonight.

So my 'do something for myself' today. I haven't really done much of anything for me. I will be honest. I didn't ignore myself, but I didn't do anything identifiable for myself (unless NOT goign to the gym counts. hardy harr harr harr)

Saturday shenanigans

Whew...what a busy day. And before I even begin, I did lots for myself today!

It started with taking care of myself in terms of waking up early enough to head to my weight watcher meeting. I had three clocks set! (myold alarm clock, a substitute and my phone). I woke up and headed out to my Weight Watcher meeting, out the door by 6:15AM. I lost 1.8 pounds. I'll take it. It's a loss. But it just burns me up. I gained more than that last week...so I'm still behind!!! But hey, it's a loss!!

I left my meeting and went down to the City Market and saw my mom while she sat at her booth. After visiting with her I headed to the gym. (the second thing for me!) I did 1 hour of cardio and then 30 minutes of weights. My mantra of "exercise does not hurt as bad as being fat hurts" really worked. I kept saying that to myself when I wanted to stop!

I left the gym and hit up two stores and then treated myself to lunch. This would be the third thing for myself as I'm usually too cheap to go out on my own (I'd rather save my money to go out to eat with loved ones) But I treated myself today. After lunch, I headed to more stores...and finally got home at about 4PM. I got my groceries put away...and had a few minutes to spare before making dinner. TOnight I made todd's favorite dish...Cajun Seafood Pasta. I had buttered noodles and veggies. For dessert I made Caramalized bananas......I watched the food network while I was on the elliptical today...and this was a recipe that sounded really good to me. So I made it. It was very good!

After dinner I grabbed my camera and headed out the door. Just a short drive through the battlefield, but if felt good!

Of course the lights in the house were turned off at 8:30 for Earth Hour. :-)

Now I'm just relaxing......

Soooooo is it bad that I watched the Food Network while working out....and actually made a recipe that I gathered while working out???????

Quick thought

I wrote the other day about the girl on TBL that said that Nothing on the table (food) tastes as good as thin feels. She was so absolutely correct! Thin is a feeling of liberation. A feeling of self confidence an happiness with ones self. But I was just responding to an email with a friend (Hi Donna!) and I was mentioned exercise. And I got to thinking that while no food tastes as good as thin feels. Well there is a corrallary. While No food tastes as good as thin feels, No exercise hurts worse than fat feels! Yeah, I dread going to the gym or working out becuase it's BORING...or it may hurt momentarily. But being fat hurts. It hurts me emotionally, medically AND physically! Exercise is NOTHING compared to what the fat does! The exercise pain is merely momentary.

Well, maybe not exactly momentary. I worked my abs yesterday morning.......oh heavens...it hurts to sneeze. It hurts to laugh. It hurts to move. But you know what...it's a good pain because it means that MF is back!

Cast your vote!

My plans to 'do something for myself' fell through this morning. But I'm not giving up! I will fit something special for me in!

How did the said plans fall through? I was planning on waking up early and exercising before coming to work at 7:30. Yes, ambitious! My alarm is seriously going crazy though!
*A few weeks ago I set it and turned it on and I woke up late....it didn't go off...it was actually even TURNED off. Go figure, but I thought it was me....
*Woke up yesterday just fine at 6AM. Last night I went to turn it on and the alarm was now set for 8AM. WHAT?
*Spent the time to reset the alarm and turn it on......once again it didn't work!

So, either my alarm clock is going crazy or I am. Still time to cast your vote...the jury is still out on the results of which is crazy! haa haa haa

My weight hasn't dropped at any fast pace today. I'm actually not sure I'm going to show a loss. I'm on the right path though, so no matter what it says tomorrow...I'm focused!

The sun is shining...but the temperature has dropped drastically in the last few hours. It's COLD. So I'm not going to be going for a bike ride this afternoon....maybe I can talk Todd into a visit to the gym! (which would count as doing something for ME!)

I was thinking about exercise and I started to think about some of the videos that I used to do (yes, I still have them) and I actually started to feel nostalgic over them. I guess that's my hint that it's time to pull them out. (I'm sure that fond feeling of nostalgia will dissipate quickly at that point...haa haa haa)

Something for me

Yesterday I did something for me. I brought my change of clothes and a sandwich to work and at the end of my day I changed and I headed straight to the gym for a workout. For me. I had some 'dark forces' try to pull me away...nothing serious, but just a few things that could have derailed me from my plans. But I stuck to my guns and went.

To carry on the goodwill toward myself, I woke up at 6AM this morning and by 7AM I was in the gym working out again!

Welcome to the new me. In the few months (OK, maybe year), I've stopped doing little things for myself. Standing up for myself and doing something that's good for me. I think a lot has to do with the status of the current funk that I was in and the reasons behind the funk. I have allowed this negative energy and these negative feelings to change the focus off of what is important. What is important? Me. Now this is not saying that I'm going to chuck all responsibilities overboard. There are still other really important things in my life. But taking care of me has got to be a priority. Getting my weight back off is for ME this time. Not for any other reason. ME ME ME! By making me healthier physically I'll feel better mentally...and that will convey into all other aspects of my life.

In essence, I stopped caring about myself. I think that my funk and the reasons behind it are a big factor behind my lack of caring (and quite honestly part of the reason I've gained back some of the weight)....but I'll be open and honest enough to admit that the more weight I've gained, the less I've cared about myself. It really is a vicious cycle.

Soooo, my plan is to try to do one thing...big or small for myself every day. It could be an action such as going to the gym (with or without anyone....although by myself is really standing up for me) It could be something as simple as applying fresh polish to my nails (toes or fingers). Small steps to help me care more about me...to restore my love of myself.

SOOOOOOOOOOO....my challenge is to do something everyday for myself...and I plan to post it here! I may not post it everyday. I may only do it for a week....it may go on for a year. I'm not setting myself up for failure. I just know in my heart that I have to take care of numero uno.

Take care of myself action for Wednesday- Trip to the gym.....didn't want to...and Todd requested something (something not really important) that would have made it easy to ditch my plans....I didn't.

Take care of myself action for Thursday- Trip to the gym.....woke up before the sun and hit the gym!

The taste of health

I brought my workout clothes with me to work today AND a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to eat for a quick meal for dinner. My plan is to change here at work and go straight to the gym. I know that if I stop at the house to change my clothes I will NOT leave again. So my plan is to change here, eat my sandwich here and go directly to the gym, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. I have a few other stops that are right there at the gym, so I should have no excuse!

Last night on the Biggest Loser there was a comment by one of the contestants. They were at a restaurant and she was talking about how her friends had ordered all of the foods that she loved but she was going to eat healthy come hell or high water. Her comment that really struck me was, Nothing on this table tastes better than how I feel. She went on to to say that eating healthy had brought about so much energy and life to her that she had no problem making the healthy choices! How utterly true!!! I feel so good when I'm living healthy and when my weight is down! I feel good emotionally and physically!!! And she is right...there is no greater 'taste' than the feeling of health!

The great mystery

Motivation. How can a person want something so much but just lack the motivation? I want to lose this weight so badly. Yet when it comes down to actually getting off my butt, I lack motivation. Back up...yet when it comes to making healthier choices I lack motivation. Oh heck, my motivation is simply in the toilet. Yet I want to lose soooo darn badly. It just makes no sense.

I went back to weight watcher meetings 4 weeks ago. Week one, I gained four-tenths of a pound. Week two, I gained 8 tenths of a pound. Week three I blew it all away and gained two pounds and two ounces! I'm paying stinkin' money to GAIN WEIGHT! Now...the first two weeks I was religious with my eating. I ate healthy. I restarted the exercise regime...and I went to a meeting and showed a gain....both weeks. Week three...well.....lets just say that I didn't go hog wild, but I didn't even track! It was a super stressful week! This week I'm doing a bit better. I'm not strictly regimented, but I am very cognizant of what I'm eating...and YES, I am tracking!

I have less than one month before Girls With Gears...in which I am registered to ride. I've been on my bike 2 times this year. The first time was hideously horrid. Notice it was hideously horrid...not just hideous and not just horrid! My second ride was much better...but I was on the canal and that is relatively flat....so it was an easier ride!

Stress levels are still super high. Something that a friend wrote today just hit me...and here it is: I think we all have issues we wrestle with. It's just whether or not we let those issues impact our diet and exercise.