Recap

I still don't really know why I felt compelled to write the last post....I guess it was just for me. To finally say out loud in one sitting just a bit of my experience. I have friends and family that still have never heard some of it, and how bad it really was. My husband was dating me at the time though....and if a guy can stand beside you during a time like that....he's a keeper. :-)

I guess there are a couple things

1. Failure. I believe that the fear of failure keeps me 'down.' (I'm petrified of failure since my experience) I know that when I had reached my doctor approved weight I started to self sabotage my weight loss and weight maintain (I was actually still trying to lose as I was at the upper limit of where he wanted me). Why? Fear of the unknown? Fear of failure? I had stalled with my weight loss. Stalled at 180. I went to the doctor and he told me that he wanted me between 160 and 180...so he was happy where I was. I wanted to lose more....I "tried" but I never really gave it my all. Why? Because I was afraid of failing at something, again. If I never tried to push forward, I wouldn't be failing. And my doctor gave me an out. I was within his goal weight' prescription. I need to stop worrying about failure...because to worry about it is only going to cause me to stop doing something, which is failure in itself. I heard a quote once that struck a chord. "The biggest failure is to never try". I've set up my mileage goal for this year. Honestly, I'm behind in my riding. I am so tempted to give it up, because if I give it up I'm not failing right? But I'm determined to see this through to the end AND succeed!

2. I'm sick of being a victim of obesity. I know that there have been opportunities that I have either lost because of my weight or that I have let slip by because of how my weight makes me feel on the inside. I do believe that there have been job opportunities that I have been passed over simply because I was an obese person and this employer wanted to portray a certain image...and a fat girl just wasn't it. But I will be honest with myself and say that I'm sure that my mental view of myself has at times seeped to the surface becoming visible for all those around me to see. Negative self thoughts, while we think that they are buried deep within us are in reality on display each and every day simply in the way we act, dress, talk and live our daily lives. I read on someones blog (so sorry, can't remember whom) that this person was going to take 15 minutes each day to pamper themselves. How profound!

3. I need to stop caring what a few nincompoops said to me and about me, especially those things that I have no control over. Who cares. If I like me, and my husband likes me and my family likes me and friends...well you get the point. Who cares. Live my life for ME and don't worry about those things that can not be changed! And remember that I was wonderfully made by the greatest creator!

4.Well, I'm just going to beat the hell out of this weight...make myself healthy mentally, emotionally and physicallY!


That said, I got emotional this morning and left it affect my eating at lunch. ARRGGGHHH And then of course I got ticked off at myself for doing it...what a viscious cycle! I did however ride for 35 minutes this morning!

'Tis a lot of baggage

A deep look at things that have been terribly emotional....I'll get to my weigh in later in the post...I promise! I know it's a bit long....but it's something that I think I need to write for me. So if you read it, I will feel honored....if you don't no skin off my back.

I was talking to a friend last night about what we would do differently with/in our lives if given a second chance. My biggie....I would have stopped being apathetic about my weight years...decades actually earlier and lost the weight. I feel that my excess weight has had a hand in most major decisions of my life. I know in friendships and jobs it has. Maybe not because of the actual weight, but from the baggage that I carry internally because of the weight. With how the weight has made me feel. So with this conversation in my mind coupled with the knowledge that I really need to find another job, I started to think......

I knew two things as I was growing up. I wanted to be a mother and I wanted to be a teacher. I had the most loved and well cared for baby dolls while playing house. And those dolls were highly educated as when I wasn't playing house, I was playing school and teaching them. So it was with no deliberation at all on my part nor any surprise to my family when I declared myself as an elementary education major in college (actually before I even took my first college class I had declared my major). I was full of ideas and promise for my future as a teacher. I graduated from college, with honors and my future looked bright. I moved home from college and commenced with the job search and got no-where. Why didn't I get a job? I don't rightly know. I know that after I had subbed a few years, I was actually told that my record as a substitute teacher was actually hurting me. Not because I was doing a poor job, but because I was actually doing too good of a job. I was told that a good sub is hard to find so when they have one that can keep a class under control and actually still teach them something AND one that is reliable that they don't want to hire them for a full time position because that leaves a hole in their substitute ranks. I was told over and over that I was 'a good one'. I was in high demand. After the first year (half year actually) I worked EVERY day of the school year. From the very first day to the bitter end. I did it all. But yet I wasn't hired full time. Could it have been because I was to valuable as a sub or could it have been my weight compressing me to the point that I had made myself un-employable simply because how my weight was making me feel was showing on the outside? I don't know. But the end result was that I couldn't buy, beg or steal a teaching job locally.

A few years after I graduated from college I applied for a teaching position in a county that was known for it's low socio-economic areas. It was a whim, I didn't expect anything to come of it. But the fire to teach was still burning deeply inside of me. So it was with much surprise when I came home one evening in late July and picked up my mail. There was an envelope from the school system that I had applied to. I laughingly told Todd (who was at my house for the evening...as we were dating at the time) "oh look, another rejection letter." Only it wasn't a rejection letter. It was actually a teaching contract....with the board of Ed's appropriate signatures already affixed at the bottom. The only thing left was my signature. I hadn't interviewed! I hadn't even talked to the school system. I had simply sent my resume and references to them. They hired me site unseen! That should have been my first clue. But that fire to teach was burning, so I went to the 'interview' process. It was not a normal interview in that the administrators were asking "MaryFran, what are your qualifications." It was a room full of administrators begging the applicants (who from what I gathered had all received signed contracts in the mail.....similar to my story) to accept the position/assignment at their school! I think of it as the human/teacher meat-market. Clue number two.......this is not a normal practice,but I went ahead with it and signed the contract and moved....all within 2 weeks. I was officially a 4th grade teacher.

The first month or two of the school year were fabulous. The students were responding to me, I was in my glory. There were some issues though. Supplies. Every time I asked for something....even something as simple as a stapler, I was told that they were working on getting it for me...although in retrospect they never arrived. So I ended up going out and buying my own supplies. The other major issue those first two months? I had no teachers manuals. Yes, you read that correctly. I had none! (didn't get them until the beginning of January). These things were just a minor annoyance though. I was capable of developing lesson plans without the teachers manuals. It just took a bit more time. The supplies....it really didn't get to me, I had waited so long to teach that I didn't care. Nothing I ever did was good enough for the administrators. I wrote on the chalkboard to large.....the next day it was to small. I would actually measure other teachers chalkboard writing and compare it to mine....it would be exactly the same, but mine was never good enough. One administrator told me that my voice was a problem...it grated against her senses. (no-one ever told me that before...in fact when I worked in a call center, I frequently got compliments on my voice). It was just anything and everything, attacking me in any way that they could. I can see it looking back, but when it was happening it was utterly confusing and devastating to be told that you were the worlds worst teacher and person.

After about a month or two though, I started noticing a shift in the students behavior. It was subtle at first with the class being a bit more unruly. But it escalated. It wasn't until I was picking my class up from one of their specials that I figured out the problem. I was being undermined by the administration. I stood outside of the door and heard an administrator saying, "These little notebooks are for you to keep in your desk. We want you to write down everything that Miss Clingan does so that we can find a reason to fire her because we don't want a white person in our school." My students very quickly realized that they could do ANYTHING in my room and there would be no repercussions. It quickly became sheer bedlam! There was no support from the admin staff. I had a student threaten to "bring my dad's gun to school so I can shoot you". The admin refused to do anything or even put it on the records "He's a young black man...if we put that on his records he has no chance in society" What about me? If I'm dead I have no chance either, I wanted to scream! I broke up a fight in my classroom at one point. The students were not reprimanded (remember very low socio-economic area...the parents were young and really didn't care either) and when I talked to my vice-principal about the injury I sustained while breaking up the fight I was told that he was not going to fill out or sign the paperwork because it was my fault that there was a fight in the first place. The injury? Muscle problems in my back. Yeah, the same problem I STILL struggle with today, ten years later.

I remember sobbing at one point over the Christmas break because the situation was so awful. In January, it got worse. My health was being affected. I spent some time in the ER because I couldn't breathe or swallow without pain....they couldn't find any cause...other than stress. Finally, one day (it was a Friday) I was on the beltway driving home and I saw a dump truck and my first thought was "if I swerve in front of it I would die and that would end this misery". NOT cool. So very not cool. But it made it startingly clear that something had to change, and quickly. By the following Monday, I had written my letter of resignation, made up a week (maybe two, I can't remember) of lesson plans for the substitute, cleaned out my personal belongings from my room and I was done with teaching.

The union jumped on the case hot and heavy after I left (wasn't much they could do earlier..even though I had been in contact with them). Turns out it was well documented to keep certain students separated....I had three of these documented pairings in the same room. (the only three on file for that grade level.) I had 36 students....I was supposed to have an aide....no one EVER walked into my room to assist...or help....or even give advice. The union started a lawsuit, but within a month or two , I put a stop to it. My mental health was much more important and continually talking about it every time they had questions was not allowing me to heal.

The experience left me with some huge emotional scars.
*It's been 10 years...but as I've written this today I've had to stop at least once each paragraph to look away and calm myself down. You see, the breathing swallowing difficulty comes right back, even after 10 years. People always say, try teaching somewhere else. But come on now....if after 10 years I still struggle with stress related physical difficulties I think that's our answer. After 10 years I will no longer say NEVER teach. But I think I can still safely say NEVER teach in a public school setting.
* I have felt like a failure. All I ever wanted to do was be a teacher, and I failed. (I struggle with saying, through no fault of my own, but I didn't have any control over the situation).
*I have allowed all those comments about my personality and even my personal and physical traits (things that I have no control over) to affect how I have felt about myself. My first mistake was believing them....my second mistake was taking them to heart!

I can't blame my weight all on this situation, but I will say when I left teaching I weighed 210 pounds....somehow I ballooned up to 300 within 2 years. But I can look back and I can see how my weight and the baggage that I have carried because of my weight has affected the decisions that I've made that brought me to that point and even further. I can also see how the situation has totally affected my weight. The situation made me feel worthless and unworthy of anything. To lose weight and be healthy you have to feel like you are worth the effort, for months I was continually told me that I was not worth it.

I don't know what writing this post will do. I know that writing this and even somewhat 'grudgingly' (because I still struggle with saying that I was innocent) admitting that I was an innocent party in this saga is not going to make it better over night. But I hope that by actually admitting it that I can move forward. While I desperately need to find another job...one that isn't so mind-numbingly boring and just...well......brain dead I know that it will not be in the public school system (so don't even bring it up in a conversation) but what does a person with a degree in Education do? hmmmmm

I'm worth it! All the stuff that they spouted at me for those months I need to take at face value....which means I need to pitch it ALL out the door.

*********************************************

I went to a weight watchers center other than the one that I normally go to last night. I was happy to go because according to my home scales I was showing a 1.2 pound loss. My home scales have always been dead on with the weight watcher scales so I was looking forward to the weigh in. A loss is a loss. So imagine my surprise when I get off the scale and look at the paperwork. They showed me a 1.6 pound GAIN! So that's 2.8 pounds different from my home scale. My only consolation and hope is that I was on a different scale.....maybe the scales at this center were off. Hmmmm. Not sure! Oh well, nothing to do other than plod onward!

Already hit the bike for 30 minutes this morning. I plan on riding more tonight during TBL, so I'll be doing good for today!

Bits of nothing

Yesterday was a good day with my eating and exercise. I got 1.5 hours of cardio in. (sadly no strength training) and I stayed within my points allotment for the day. Most of those points were also healthy! I did eat the heck out of the strawberries! I love love love strawberries!


After beautiful weather on Saturday and pretty decent (a bit drizzly) weather on Sunday, I was saddened this morning when I awoke to.....POURING rain. A literal deluge of water descending from the sky. I had to drive to work in it...there was water pooled in places I've NEVER seen water pooled! It just makes me long for summer even more!!!

A day in the life of abnormal me.

I have written lately about how I feel depressed sometimes because I want to be normal. I don't want to have to watch every stinkin' bite of food that goes into my mouth. I don't want to have to push myself to exercise because I NEED to. How I want to be able to eat anything I want and not have to worry about it. I want to be normal. Sooooo this morning when I woke up, I was like...ohh my actions last night were so abnormal. And it just once again proves how abnormal and screwed up my thought processes are when it comes to all things related to food. Let me start for the beginning.

Yesterday while still at work I planned out my meal for the evening. I was to be home alone, which is almost always a huge huge issue with me because with my addiction to food, I have a tendency to keep eating and with no-one there to help keep me in check it sometimes isn't pretty when I write down what I have eaten. So I planned my evening out. I was going to use the leftover tomato sauce, put it on a flour tortilla and top it with 1/4 cup fat free mozzarella...i would cleanse my palate with a serving of grapes. That would actually give me a nice dinner and it would actually put me with 3 points to spare for the evening, in case I wanted to make popcorn or grab a 1/2 cup serving (pre-measured of course) of ice cream (2 points for what I currently have in the freezer). All was good. I've learned, if I have a plan and I can and will stick to the plan and not just eat what my addiction directs me to eat. SOOOO, I went home and made my little pizza. The first problem was the cheese. I think I should pre-measure my cheese for these things too...because of course I dumped WAY more than the 1/4 cup that I had planned. But no worries, I had those extra points to take care of it. I decided to spice up my pizza by adding some more garlic powder and other spices. Great idea right? I don't know what overcame me but I went happy with the garlic powder. And garlic powder is a good thing.....in small amounts. In large amounts...not so good! My dinner tasted, 'ok' but not the greatest. But after dinner, I found that I just wanted more and more food. Why? Because the taste of garlic was so strong that i was still tasting it a few hours later. I had a 1/2 cup serving of ice cream and I also had a jello pudding cup. So it could have been worse. But why did I eat them? Oh, I knew why I ate them......I was trying to cleanse my palate. I was trying to remove the overpowering taste of the garlic powder. I drank a diet soda...that didn't help! I wanted to eat more, but somehow managed to keep from tearing the cupboard doors off the hinges.

So this morning I woke up and before I even moved out of the bed I realized how abnormal I was. A NORMAL person would have simply gone to the bathroom and brushed their teeth...used some mouthwash. But no, I immediately turned to food to fix my problem. What an easy fix it would have been. Yes, I eventually figured it out and fixed the problem. But come on now....is my thinking so screwed up that even something as simple as that is tied with food. Is anything in my life not directly tied to food????

Weekly Check in

Week three of the new year has passed us by and it's time for me to fess up and face the music in regards to my goals. Soooo lets pull out the list and check it twice.


Lets look at my year goals first.
1. The mileage. I did 28.9 miles this past week. Only half of what I should have done. Not too bad when I add in that I was sick for most of that time frame. I am now at 129.91 for the year...I should be at 180 miles. So I've got some makeup mileage to do.
2. Weekly goals....I set them...worked on them to some extent...we'll get to that later
3. Strength training...nada (hey, I was sick!)
4. New recipes...yes, 1 I made Berry Banana Bread

Ok, as for my weekly goals there were as follows:
1. Water Consumption...especially on the long weekend. I actually did really good with this!!!
2. Stick to my points....religiously! I stuck to my points...but I didn't make them HEALTHY points
3. Make the food that goes into my mouth nutritious and healthy Failed on this one...it was carb city
4. Hop back onto the exercise....catch up with the mileage that I'm behind! Ok, so I was a bit sick and failed on this....Having this as my weekly goal pushed me and I got 1/2 of my goal for the week at least!

So this week....new weekly goals:

1. Water consumption again.
2. Exercise...I WILL do at least my 60 miles....but I want to start cutting into my 'debt' of where I'm behind....that means I have 40 extra miles to make up...above and beyond my 60 miles for the week. I may not make it all up this week, but I am to at least make a dent in my deficit.
3. Stay within my food budget...and make my points HEALTHY ones!


So there we have it!

I did ride the exercise bike this morning. I laid in bed and thought about ditching it....or 'waiting for this evening' (waiting never works because by the time I've worked all day I just don't want to worry with it) but I thought about my goal/motivator and it pulled me out of bed!

On a good note.......Lil' Mertz seems to be recovering well. How do I know? Well, I saw this last night.....

Empty calories

Well, I stepped onto the scales today. I hadn't been on the scales since Tuesday morning. I was appalled to see that my weight had gone up by 1 pound. YIKES! Ok, I'll be honest. It could be water...or something like that. I mean, I didn't blow my points. On one day I used a flex point or two...but I stayed well within my budget. But, lets be honest here. While I stayed in my points range...it wasn't the healthiest of points. I did get my servings of fruits and veggies in...but everything else was CARB CITY!

Oh yes, I had bread (those berry banana muffins are really good...but they are a bread...carbs) for breakfast. I had sandwiches for lunch along with my potato soup (carbs and more carbs). I ate pasta for dinner and wiped my plate clean with homemade french bread

I tell you, it was a total carb fest!

No more! Today I'm watching my carbs more carefully. I'm making sure that most of my points are HEALTHY for me points. AND, I woke up early and rode my bike today.


I have a very clear goal...and a very good reason to lose this weight. I'm a woman on a mission!

Happiness...focusing on happiness

As I've been rather depressed lately, I think it's quite fitting that I do the little activity (or whatever the heck it's called) that's going around blog-land. Thanks to those of you who have asked me to do this!!!! I need to focus on these 'happy things' versus the depressing things!

10 things that make me happy.
1. My kitty cats! (oh wait, can I break that down and call it 1, Lucy; 2. Ethel 3. Mertz....so on and so forth. But that's cheating)
2. Spending time with my husband (ooops, that should have been first shouldn't it have been?)
3. Baking. I love to bake and it makes me happy to do so
4. Spending time with my parents
5. Family-brother and his family in particular
6. Warm summer days..spent outdoors...the scent of honeysuckle or lilac heavy in the air
7. Big snow storms when I'm warm and cozy in my house...snowed in with the love of my life
8. A good meal....deliciously prepared...with top of the line ingredients
9. A good book and a nice comfy couch with warm toasty blanket to cuddle under.
10. Good friends



This is a superb recipe that I made, yup, they were baked. Berry-Banana Muffins I did muffins...and each muffin is only 2 WW points. They are VERY tasty too!

Well well well. I actually got on the exercise bike during TBL last night and rode. One hour, so hopefully this will put me back on the proper track for exercise! My eating....Tuesdays are usually my 'cheat day'. Well, not really cheat, but they are my 'have a big heavy meal' day. Hey, we have to get that stuff out of our system. It would not be healthy for me to give up foods that I honestly love...so my Tuesday heavy meal is my way of getting those foods...but in moderation! One day...one meal. (not the every day every meal that we used to eat like that). But my plan is made for my eating today and I'm on track!

I'm still here....I was sick all weekend. It was a long weekend...and beautiful weather (well, except for the one rain day), but I spent most of it on the sofa. Exercise for the weeekend....zilch! Eating...not toooo bad though.

I had an epiphany this morning. I'm not going to talk about it online...but it's pretty deep. And it should really spark me to really work on my goals! Sooooooo, I'm fully motivated and ready to lose this weight!!!!

Weekly report

Well, the second week of 2010 has come and gone. Where do I sit in my goals?

1. I rode just about 30 miles this week...96 for the year...so I'm off pace to complete my 3000 miles for the year. I'm about 24 miles behind pace. No problem, I can catch up!
2. Weight loss. My official loss for the first week (instead of doing two losses a week...one at my weight watchers and then another on fridays, I'm just going to go by my weight watcher loss...keep it more simple). So my official loss for the week...4 pounds!
3. Recipes....I did good. This one is proving to be a lot of fun. I did 4 new recipes this week. Last week was 5......so I'm at 9 for the year! WAY above the target of 1 a week!
This week I tried a fresh Broccoli Salad. It was very good. It could be altered to suit your needs and tastes.
Then I tried a Chicken Dorito Bake. I admit to having misgivings while making this recipe becuase in all honesty it sounded gross on paper. But it was DELICIOUS!
The next thing I made was a Chocolate Peanut Butter Parfait. TOTALLY scrumptious!
The fourth new recipe/food for the week was Spinach n' Broccoli Enchiladas. Packed with healthy nutrients!
4. Strength training....well........we're going to work on that this week!
5. I set my weekly goals.....I struggled some.
*water drinking...I did really good!
*multi-vitamin......it was hit or miss. I got it down about 1/2 of the time...the other times I just plain forgot!


Soooo weekly goals. I have a LONG weekend (starts today at 1 and doesn't end until Tuesday at noon)...which can mean struggles...especially since I'll be home alone during much of it...so my goals are very 'survive the long weekend intact' oriented.
1. Water consumption....get it in...EVEN and especially on the weekend
2. Stick to my points....religiously!
3. Make the food that goes into my mouth nutrtious and healthy
4. Hop back onto the exercise....catch up with the mileage that I'm behind!

I woke up this morning and laid there and started to let my worries and stress get to me. But then I remembered my post from yesterday. I can control my weight....so I got up and hopped on the exercise bike and rode like the wind for an hour. Ok, not like the wind, I actually rode rather slowly, when it was all said and done only 8 miles in that hour. I guess I was too involved in my reading (I was reading a Micheal Palmer book while I was riding). But hey, I was out there riding!!!!

Control

First of all let me report in on my weight watcher meeting and the numbers. I lost 4 pounds!!! So my official loss for my first week of the year is 4 pounds! WOOO HOOOO!!

Of late I've been in a rather blah mood. You might even say I've been depressed. I feel as if my world is spinning madly out of control and I don't know where to grab hold...or how to grab hold...or even if grabbing hold will help. I stress about my weight. I worry about money (owning your own business...while it definitely has it's perks, it also makes my husbands income subjective to the weather, to clients, equipment breakdowns, etc). I can go on with the things in life I have no control over.Intrinsically I know that my actions and decisions do ultimately affect everythign, but it feels like so little....and if feels as if everything is so subjective. So while I have a say in some minor areas.....I really have no control over any of it. Yet, I worry and fret about these things that I have no control over.

So for some reason, I don't even know what sparked me to think this, last night I decided that I'm going to focus on the one thing that I have total and utter control over. There is only one thing that me, myself and I have complete 100% control over. Guessed it yet? My weight...and my weight loss. Maybe if I have control over at least one area of my life, that the 'blah's' will go away!

The grass is not always greener

Just read a great post that talks about maintaining a healthy weight! I have never had a problem with the concept of losing the weight. There is an end date. I however struggle with the concept of the 'for the rest of my life' that I have in front of me. I admit to getting depressed sometimes when I look at other people who seemingly go through life without a thought to what they eat with no seemingly no adverse affects. This post is excellent because it shows that outwardly there is no adverse affects, but there really are long reaching side effects from a poor (high caloric) diet.

My brother has often talked about bikers. He said that he knows a bunch of people that started biking simply as their form of exercise...because it burns mad calories (at the rate my brother does it at least) and because these people like to eat. He also says that many of these same guys start each spring close to 20 (or more) pounds heavier because they are not biking in the winter but they are eating like they want.

Anyway...I think I always knew that it would take work to keep off. I think the biggest thing that I struggle with is the 'forever' and the jealousy when I see other people eating what they want...when they want. That is what makes me depressed and want to throw in the towel. I guess I need to remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side. ....which makes me think of my ex manager...She was one of those eat anything and everything...she was a size 2. But after watching her eat with jealousy for a few months I started noticing something. She would eat her cheesecake for breakfast lunch and dinner...but it wasn't a PIECE of cheesecake taht she ate for each meal...it was 2 bites of that same piece of cheesecake. She would work on the same darn piece of cheesecake for 2 or three days. The same was true with pretty much all the junk food that she ate....just a bite or two and then she was done. She loved food......she REALLY loved food...and junk food...oh my she was in LOVE with junk food. She just ate enough to satisfy herself and then called it quits.....portion control. So she was in her own way managing her weight. Yet I was jealous of her at the beginning because she was so thin and ate EVERYTHING. (Me, I would eat a piece...or two of cheesecake at one sitting...her it took 3 days to eat a piece).

SO I guess I need to re-evaluate and realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side. So when I get to my goal weight, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just go with it. I know that the vacation that it all fell apart for me I kept saying (out loud actually) that I was going to live a 'normal' life for that week. And I did...and I gained 9 pounds. And I never stopped. Sooo who's normal was I living? I had reverted to the normality for an OBESE person. Not for the average thin person!

Tuesday ramblings

Tonight is my meeting. So I'll have my official loss tomorrow. But lets just say that I'm not bummed about what I think the scales are going to say.

Last night I made Chicken Dorito Casserole for dinner. I should call it Donna's Delicious Dish as it came from Donna.

So I'm moving forward and having a blast with the recipes. My exercise....I'm struggling this week. I know that my hsoulder is giving me grief...but I should be able to push myself through the pain in my shoulder to continue to at least ride the exercise bike. Last night I got on and rode between 10 and 15 minutes and then quit! I have vowed that I will ride at least the first half of TBL tonight!!! I almost forgot my multivitamin this morning. I was literally walking out the door and remembered. I had my husband shove it in my mouth as my hands were full....but I took it!!! Water...I actually did it this weekend...drinking my alloted amount of water is more difficult for me on the weekends...but I managed!

Update

Watching the above video is well worth your time. It totally encapsulates what we need to be doing on this weight loss journey and that is making it fun! For a food addict like me that means constanly pushing the envelope and finding new recipes to try....to keep it from getting boring. It means trying new activities and doing activities that are fun for me. Because face it, if we are not having fun, than these changes will NOT stay...and the goal is to make these changes lifelong!

ok, update. I'm doing good with my water and my multi-vitamin. Today may be a challenge with the water as I'll be riding around with mom and dad all day. But I've got my big jug (64 ounces all in one container) of water ready to go.

Exercise...I'm struggling with that one right now. I've got a whopping 3 miles in for this second week. (I was only 6 miles ahead after last week...so I'm officially behind). I know it's excuses...but this shoulder/neck/muscle/nerve thing is REALLY not feeling to swift. It hurts to move my neck, it hurts to move my arm, it hurts to twist my torso. And of couse that causes the headaches....so if the pain isn't that bad, I'm most likely suffering with a headache. What gives?????

Weight.....I'm down about 3 pounds...actually a little more I would say.

One week in!

So I'm one week into my goals for the year 2010. I set my weekly goals last week. In recap they were:

1. Get a strong start in my yearly goals!
2. Get back on track with eating and exercising
3. Stop making excuses for why I should eat!

Sooo lets take them one at a time. My yearly goals.
*I am now on a course for 3000 miles for the year, which means I need just about 60 miles each week (actually less, but I'm figuring 60...to make it easier and to give a little leeway). How did I do? I logged 66 miles for the week!
*Strength training- 2 sessions
*New recipes- 5
1. Baked Sweet Potato fries. I don't know why I never tried to make fries with sweet potatoes. I do it all the time with regular potatoes.
2. 5 spice shrimp and walnut stir-fry
3. Mexican Casserole
4. Zucchini Alfredo
5. Apple Marinade for chicken
*Weight loss....I actually forgot to weigh...HONESTLY forgot. The alarm went off early for Todd and I had promised to make him breakfast for the road...so I was up and in the kitchen and just didn't think about it until a few hours later.

Weekly goal number 2. I have had a bunch of on track days with my eating. I feel more empowered and in control with each succesive day!

Weekly goal number 3. Excuses. I have to admit on New years Day we went out to eat and I made an excuse as to why I should eat because it was New Years Day...a holiday. I will admit it. Otherwise, I didn't come up with reasons that I deserve or need to eat. IN fact, the last few days I've been totally on track...no excuses. I eat what I eat and that's it. I haven't been trying to wheedle extra food or whatnot!

Soooo goals for week two.

1. Become religious about taking my multi-vitamin
2. Water consumption......EVEN DURING THE WEEKEND!
3. Push through my sore shoulder and at least get some cardio under my belt!

Already reevaluating

My goals. I find that every goal on my list is quite doable. I know that I could do everything. However, I need to make a change.

100 miles a week. I had set a goal of 100 miles a week, or 5200 miles a year. It seemed doable when I thought about it. Why? I don't know. I'm a slow bike rider...and average 10 miles per hour. That is 10 hours a week. Doable...yeah. I was also thinking ahead to summer and that when I ride in GWG, I'll knock out at least 25 miles that day. That's 1/4th of a 100 mile goal. So I was thinking 100 would be a good number. I did set up an escape plan of 60 miles a week...or 3120 miles for the year. But in my mind if I only reached that goal I would be a failure...it was the 5200 miles or nothing in my mind.

So I started out my first week of this challenge. I've ridden every day. Some days I've ridden twice. And I'm still close to 40 miles away from reaching my challenge. For me to make 100 miles this week, I would need to put 2 hours in on the bike today and two hours in on the bike tomorrow. I would not be giving my body a day of rest. Because come Friday my 100 mile a week ticker resets and if I miss a day...I'll be behind. I have already stressed myself out over this 100 miles...how...when.

I was at the gym yesterday and I realized that a goal of 100 miles is not realistic. In order for me to reach that 100 miles I'll be spending 10 hours on the bike each week. (on to of that I have my strength training goal....so add more time in). I like to have a varied workout. Some days I go to the gym I like to do the treadmill...or the elliptical, etc etc etc. But those other machines and exercises don't give me the higher mileage...so I know me...in my zeal to complete my mileage, I'll only do the bike...because it's my best chance. That is ok short term...but it's not cool long term. My body needs the different workouts.

The last factor is the fact that 100 miles a week gives me absolutely NO wiggle room. As mentioned above I have to pretty much work out an hour and a half a day....every day So what happens when I drive out to my brothers house for vacation. A day of driving out there and a day of driving back....that's two days that I wont be riding that week. What happens this summer when I spend my complete day off....8-10 hours working in the garden and yard....or when I work from sunup until 2 or three the next morning because green beans needed to be picked and canned....bushels of them. In the summer we grow and preserve a lot of our food....it takes time and work. Manual labor. On some of those days, there is NO way that I can add in 1-2 hours of biking. But with my 100 mile challenge I HAVE to.

Sooooooo, I"m going to lower my number. I"m lowering it to 3000 miles for the year. 60 miles a week is actually 3120 miles. But I"m going to make it an even 3000 miles. That will account for a week of vacation and it will also give me another week's wiggle room in case I get sick or something else happens (when my brothers in town...or stuff like that).

I'm still going to keep that 5200 miles in the back of my mind. I'm not going to stop at 60 miles each week. If I reach the 60 miles early (due to a big bike ride or something like that) I'm going to push onward. I would still like to reach that 5200 miles. But I'd rather face the truth NOW and admit that 5200 miles may be out of my reach THIS year. Why? Because a realistic goal is one that I will strive for long term. An unrealistic one.....that will disappear from my radar within a few weeks. And don't worry...the 100 mile challenge will come up periodically in my weekly goals. :-)

deprivation versus moderation

Will I ever learn? I would like to think that this has been a true lesson and that we have learned it correctly this time. I know that I vowed on the way down that I would never weigh over 200 pounds again. Yet, here I sit. But I had never lost weight before. I dont think I realized how monumentally difficult it would be to maintain my loss. I think I Just figured the worst part would be losing and then it would all be pretty with the weight loss. I knew that I would always have to keep an eye on my weight. I just didn't realize how closely I would have to gaurd against excess weight.



I think another issue I had. When I was losing, I was so 'into' it that I didn't mind skipping over hte desserts. I didn't mind all that. Yeah, I splurged every once in a while and got something yummy (totally splurging...but still watching carefully my intake of food). So when I reached the pinnacle...my lifetime membership while I knew that I couldn't have those fattening things all the time, I gave myself the go ahead to splurge more often....and to splurge even if it wasn't exactly accounted for and prepared for in regards to my caloric/points intake. So after a year or so of watching carefully, I started to sample and I found that I couldn't stop. Basically the doors opened to a world of no deprivation and 40 pounds just popped back onto my body. This time around I'm determined to do it right. I'm not going to deprive myself. I will be eating cake every once in a while. It will be planned for, accounted for and I will have the points available to eat it. There will be no deprivation, there will be lots of moderation. :-)

I made it to the gym this morning. Got a nice cardio workout in...AND another strength training session. WOOO HOOO!

Mental

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Weight loss is not a physical journey, it's a mental journey. Ohh yeah, there will be physical changes...but the major part is all mental. In emails today I've talked to friends and every time it came around to mental challenges.

1. Stress eating because seemingly life is out of control. Everything may be spinning out of control but you do have one are of your life that you can control. Your eating. It is quite empowering to be in control of something when everything seems to be spinning madly. MENTAL
2. Are you hungry at work, in the afternoon? Mental games. Chewing gum, drinking water, trying to occupy your mind.
3. We can go into the whole 'mentalness' of how this weight on our bodies has affected us emotaionally/mentally and otherwise.

It just seems as if this whole journey is really played out in our heads! Get your head in the game and it will go easier.

This 5200 mile challenge. It's gonna be a really difficult one to keep. I'm 4 days in and I'm already behind the 8 ball so to speak. If I were planning on riding 7 days a week for the whole 365 days, I'd need to be riding 14.3 miles a day.....if I only ride 5 of the 7 days it's 20 miles. Right now I'm 4 days in and I'm averaging about 10 miles a day. I need to step up the pace and work out a schedule for these miles! Optimally, I would like to get ahead and not constantly be behind. We'll have to see. However, looking at how difficult this challenge is going to be...I think I may need to upgrade my 'simple' piece of jewelry. Tee hee hee

Ok, so I didn't start out as strong as I intended. But it's all good.

Yesterday I did get on the exercise bike....only 5 miles down out of my weekly goal of 100. Yikes, I'm gonna have to work for this one!!!! I just spent the last 5 hours taking down Christmas decorations and rearranging the house. The exercise bike is now in the living room. I've got some serious peddling to do in order to reach my 100 mile goal! Being in the living room will hopefully help me!

SOoo my weekly goals:

1. Get a strong start in my yearly goals!
2. Get back on track with eating and exercising
3. Stop making excuses for why I should eat!

A new year is upon us

Sooo the year rolls to an end. Well, we are on the final stretch right now. I sit back and I look at this last year. Weight wise, it's been a total disaster. I've totally lost my way and I've gained back weight. I've gained back a lot of weight. (Hey, isn't the end of the year time for true confessions). I've only gone up one size in my clothing....so that's good at least, because it could have been worse. I have learned some stuff about myself...some personal things that I've come to grips with...things that I'm learning to overcome. It's all good. Especially since overcoming these things will hopefully bring me back full cycle into a stage where I really WANT to lose the weight. I've never stopped wanting to lose weight. But that deep down drive to succeed has been a bit absent. Me looking deep into myself has hopefully opened the way for my success.

Sooo, I'm not setting New Years Resolutions. A resolution is to hoo hum, "this is something I'm forcing myself to do". I am setting goals for my new year. Goals that in some cases are going to actually require me to work for them. I've also got rewards set up in my mind for these goals. SOooooo here they are (and Donna if you are reading this...you are getting a sneak preview to them, instead of having to wait until Monday when we set up our time to share our goals!

Ok...here goes.

1. Expand my collection of recipes. I love to cook, and have tons of cookbooks and I have tons of recipes. But eating at home and eating healthy really is contingent upon not getting bored with the meals that are being made and served. For the last year and a half I have not eaten much beef (probably 5-10 times). I've never been a seafood eater. I am not ready to give up chicken and turkey, but I'm really toying with the idea of dropping pork from my diet. Vegetarian recipes are in short demand at my place. I've picked up some here and there over the years, but not enough to survive on long term. So that is my focus. Vegetarian recipes (and nope, I don't like the meat substitutes like soy and/or tofu...which of course is still soy). I'm sure I'll still be adding some meat based recipes in, but I want to focus more on vegetarian options...and honestly, I'll be just as happy without any meat. :-)

2. Lose weight. I want to get back to my goal weight of 180 pounds. Yes, I'd like to go lower, but my goal for this upcoming year is to simply get back to my Doctor recommended weight of 180. (bmi says I should be no more than 164)

3. Add strength training into my weekly routine. This one is a difficult one for me. When I'm running short on time, I tend to skip the strength training and only do cardio. I KNOW that I need the strength training. And this is really the only goal that I've set that I'm not looking forward to. How many times a week. Optimally, I'd like to get back to the three times a week deal. Realistically, at this point...ANYTHING is better than what I'm doing.

4. Set weekly goals for myself. Keeping the main goals still there, I'd like to set weekly goals for myself. It could be something as simple as 'remember to take my multivitamin each day'. Or it could be focus on water consumption. Or I could expound on one of my main goals...but each week I want to sit down and actually think about where I am and set look at where I want to be at the end of the week.

5. And here is the biggie. I want to propel myself, via bike, elliptical, walking, jogging, stationary bike, treadmill whatever a bare minimum of 60 miles a week. That is a bare minimum of 3120 miles for the year. The real number that I'm aiming for though.....100 miles a week for the year...that's 5200 miles for the year. I am not counting my normal everyday walking, which means I'm not going to wear a pedometer everyday and count the steps that i take when I go to the bathroom or cooking dinner towards my mileage........if I go for a walk on the canal and walk 3 miles, THAT will count...but normal every day walking...nope Not unless it's an abnormal day...like a day walking around DC....or Chicago...or something like that..something that is out of the ordinary. Ok, I have an update......I made it 5 days and I realized 100 miles was not doable...so I'm changing it to 60 miles a week..which give me room to have a day of rest each week and not be riding my bike hours every day of the week! More about the reasoning behind the change here.


Rewards for these goals. I've only set two rewards. When I get back to my goal weight....a vacation of my choice to where ever I want. If....no, when I reach the 5200 miles, my reward will be a piece of jewelry. Nothing over the top in price. A simple ring...a pair of earrings. Something that I can wear...and wear with pride knowing that I propelled myself for more than 5200 miles in a year.

So there you have it!

Christmas is over. It's kinda depressing to say. The build up is sooo big and then in one fell swoop it's over. Sad.

I've made a vow to get my eating and exercise back under control. Todd and I have set up a mutual reward and we are DYING to get the reward so we are both working towards it pretty good. The reward? I'm embarrassed to say...it's a food reward. We both love Bucca di Beppo....and we actually even have a gift certificate there...so in essence it's free food. But we have said that we have to lose a combined 20 pounds before we can go there. WHew......So I want to do my part with at least 10 pounds of that 20!

Yes, yes yes....bad to reward myself with food I know. But motivating!

Soooooo back to being good. Being at my parents house over the holidays was rough. My mom always has such yummy baked goods that it's ridiculous! That and eating out and eating with them....it's just a recipe for disaster!

Weight loss is really all a mental game. It's not a thing of anything other than getting your mind in the right place. There are a few things that need to line up mentally for it to work though. Here are the things that I've learned over the years and I'm thinking about.

1. I need to like myself. Maybe not my weight, but I need to like me.
2. Going hand in hand with liking myself, one needs to feel as if they are worth the effort. It is an effort and there will be slight depravations in the journey. If one feels worthless, then those depravations are not going to happen.
3. You need to believe in what you can do it. If you don't believe in yourself, you have set yourself up for failure
4. And most importantly.....dream. Think about your end goal...dream about it. Those dreams will help carry you through the daily grind of this journey

Priorities

Above and beyond having to deal with all the food and parties during the holiday season we have to struggle with priorities. Life gets really busy and we start to run and take care of everything in preparation for the holidays. My own personal needs get pushed to the sidelines. I don't have time to write in my blog as much. I don't have time to journal my food religiously. I don't have time for me. And that is a disaster waiting to happen in terms of weight loss. Not pretty at all. So here, 4 days before Christmas I am vowing to take care of myself. I may not be able to exercise every day. I may not be able to do everything. But I'm going to be more cognizant of myself and my needs.

I have vowed that after the holidays I'm hopping hot and heavy on the healthy lifestyle again. That does NOT mean that I will be eating like a freakin' starving pig over the next two weeks. It means that I'm going to be watching what I do and taking care of myself. But after the holidays I'll be hitting the gym and going to my weight watcher meetings religiously. No ifs ands of buts!

No formal exercise this weekend

not looking good, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

But does shoveling for more than 8 hours count?

Just a pretty weekend

IMG_7808, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Still around

shovels, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I'm still around, just enjoying the winter weather! It's been crazy!!!!

Is this divine intervention?

b&w kitchen aid, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I woke up and started a very productive morning. I mixed up some pizza dough and put that to rise and then I started some bagel dough. THe pizza dough was to make a breakfast pizza for this mornings breakfast. The bagel dough was for tomorrow (as the bagel dough has to be shaped into bagels and then sit in the fridge for 12 hours or more). All was going splendidly. I was enjoying the early morning foray in the kitchen. And then, my mixer went kaplooeey. The locking mechanism on the tilt head has gone haywire...so it's still usable, I just can't lock it in the down position...so stiff doughs and foods will not be manageable in this mixer until it's either fixed or replaced. This is a sad sad day for me. I love my kitchen aid mixer. I admit, I would love to have a bigger one...and one of the non tilt head types. (that's what I grew up with in my mom's kitchen....so naturally I would love to have that). But it's been a handy mixer. I cook and bake a fair amount so the mixer has been used pretty heavily. So I"m pretty bummed out.

One of my first thoughts though......is this divine intervention? Without my mixer I'll be more limited (haa haa haa...I'm sure I"ll find a way around it until I can get a new one....I can always borrow my mom's old sunbeam...it's what I used until I got my Kitchen Aid) in my baking. And do I really need to be baking all of that fattening stuff?

No, my kitchen aid breaking is not divine intervention...but it was my first thought. tee hee hee

You may laugh at the divine intervention but there have literally been times that I've actually prayed for help to eat proper amounts and healthy stuff. One time in particular I made a pizza. I was determined to only eat 2 pieces instead of 4 (half of the pizza). I had been praying for strength to eat proper portions and to not just eat to eat...simply because it tasted soooo good. Some meals were easy...but pizza is a nemesis. I love pizza and honestly have a hard time stopping at 2 slices. Well that night I ate my two pieces and I found myself in the kitchen putting two more pieces on my plate. I started to carry it out of the kitchen and I really don't know what happened but I bummed into something and the pizza ended up face down on the floor. THat night I only ate 2 pieces. Divine intervention. Kinda a crazy way to answer my prayers...but it worked. ANd I was satisfied, I didn't go hungry that night. Nor did I get anything else. I knew immediately that my prayers had been answered that night, on a dinner where I usually have no or little control.

Nope, I haven't fallen off the bandwagon. This week was just crazy. I on the other hand am holding steady if not slowly dropping on the scales. NOthing to be too excited about, but I'm tickled to be holding steady!!!! This week should be much more quiet, so I'm hoping to see some progress onthe scales.

Meanwhile, the Christmas rush is here. I went grocery shopping yesterday and popped into one or two stores that were nearby. It was total madness in the mall area! CRAZY. I'm so happy that my shopping is done. I"m just sitting back and enjoying the season.

I'm making a big batch of taco soup today. I'll be eating that all week, and freezing some of it. It's super yummy and actually quite healthy (as it's really only vegetable/bean soup....but with the kick of jalapenos and taco seasonings). Exercise for the last week. I actually did exercise a few days. And there were a few days where I was on the go all day. On my feet and walking. Not exactly exercise...but activity!

The Meal

Italian Almond Bars, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Italian Almond Bars.....quite tasty and actually somewhat healthy!

Antipasto, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Antipasto Salad

We had a weekend of eating and socializing with friends. Part of the fun of the food experience was the planning. My friend, "V" and I talked about the food for weeks before hand. We planned, we plotted. My mouth would salivate with the thoughts of the food that we would be having. Soooo, the weekend finally arrived and the food fest began. We had a multicoursed meal. In preparing the food that I contributed, I tried to keep it as healthy as possible. I also worked to keep the portions that I prepared and the portions that I chose while we ate the meal under control. For me, it was a meal made in heaven. I got to nibble on lots of great foods and I was able to thoroughly enjoy the high of those first delectible bites over and over again with the many courses.

Soo how is my weight? Well, I stepped on the scales with some great trepidation this morning. My eyes about bugged out of my head. My weight was down almost 2 pounds from the last time that I weighed myself. Holy Hannah!

I did make it to the gym this morning and I really pushed myself!

I just don't have the words

I'm not seeing much movement on the scales, but I'm ok with that. I'm pretty much staying the same. I made it to the gym this morning...so that makes two days of exercise. So that's a good thing.

I don't have much to say right now. I've got some thoughts flying through my head....but I just can't (don't feel like it) sharing them right now. I need to think about them before I put them down in words.

Last night at my weight watcher meeting they shared a story that really struck a chord with me. The story goes:
A person drove through toll booths in and around San Francisco all the time and never paid attention the the person in the booth. She had contact with the attendents more than once a day...but never anything more than the absolute minimum necessary to conduct the business. Until one day when she pulled up to the booth. There was music coming from the booth and the attendent was dancing. She started to ask the attendent about the dancing but a car behind her started to beep its horn so she pulled out. She made a vow to find that attendent again and find out what was different. It took her months, but she finally pulled up to a booth and heard the music and sure enough the attendent was dancing away. She asked the person what was happening and the attendent answered by saying, "look at my co-workers, they are all in glass coffins" The lady looked down the line of toll booths and the people inside them silently taking money without even a smile on their face. The attendent continued. They come to work alive...get in their coffin and spend 8 hours dead and then it's like Lazarus back to life when they leave their coffin. The attendent went on to say, "me, I want to be a dancer and the state is paying me to practice. they have given me a great window office that overlooks the water, and the bay bridge and the city. What is not to like about this job." This just really made me think......life is really what I make of it.


Sooooo my weigh in.....1.6 down!

Nearing the end of my weight loss week

Ok, so I haven't written as much the last few days. It's not because I've forgoten my plan and fallen off the wagon. I've been actually totally on target with what I need to do to lose. I had two goals for my week. And my week runs Tuesday to Tuesday in regards to my weight loss...just matching it up to my weight watcher meeting that I attend. So anyway, I had two goals.

1. Get through Thanksgiving Day week (with the meal) and show a loss on the scales.....a BIG loss
2. Exercise 4 times.

Well, lets tackle number two first. Exercise. What's that???? I was not a total sluggard. I cleaned the house and cooked (we had Thanksgiving dinner at my house) so I was on my feet for hours on end. We also worked outside one day on our sheds. So I was relatively active. But did I exercise.....no, I have to say no.

My other goal....the showing a loss....I don't want to get too excited, but it looks possible.

Thanksgiving day.....all of my talk and thoughts about my food addiction paid off. I sat back a few days before the meal (many days actually) and thought about the foods typically at T-day meals. I started to think about which of those foods actually held importance for me. Which foods I would really want and which foods I was eating just because. Because I thought about this....and thought about these foods and my relationship with them, I was able to plan out my eating for the day. And I will say that I stuck with it....and was happy with it!

I feel as if I navigated the holiday with style and grace in regards to my eating. Yes, I did really good. I had my plan and I pretty much stuck with it. I didn't measure everything out...but I feel confident that my measurements were not to far off. My one splurge....I had my pumpkin pie filling (baked of course) with lunch....but when evening came and I realized that i had stayed within my points, I allowed myself to use a few flex points and have a real piece of pie. Ohhh it was fantastic! Well worth watching all day and staying within my daily allotment of points so that I could have that pie!

My exercise has been non-existent this week. Not even once! I've so got to pick back up on the exercise!!!

Plans

Ok, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I haven't exactly been tracking what I've eaten. I've kept it somewhat under control for the last week...and basically for the LAST week maintained. However, since I skipped my weight watcher meeting last week...and I would have showed a gain for last week, I had to show that gain last night. Oh well....it's on the books. Now I just need to make sure that I go no higher. Down is the only way that I want the scales to move!

I've laid out my plan for Turkey Day. I've thought long and hard about what I REALLY look forward to in the Thanksgiving day meal. That is what I'm going to eat. If I'm not overly intested in turkey, why eat it? I think stuffing and mashed potatoes (if made correctly...both totally homemade for starters) can stand on their own with no gravy. In fact, the gravy drowns the taste. So why should I add gravy to my plate? So I've planned my eating for tomorrow accordingly. At the meal, I plan on eating what I WANT and not a lot (or even a little) of everything. Now, the turkey doesn't interest me as much for the turkey meal...but as a sandwich...yummy...so guess what dinner will be. A turkey sandwich! I do believe I'll also be working on a big pot of soup also. So it's all good. I've actually already sat down and figured out my points for everything and figured out how to make it all work. So I've got my plan....it it printed up and will be posted on the fridge tomorrow!

I've thought quite a bit over the months and years about food addiction. I've thought quite a bit about my problems with food. What it boils down to is quite simple. I don't want food...or the effects of food to rule me. I don't want to eat mindlessly. I don't want to eat for a 'high'. I want to fully enjoy food for the properties that are so intrinsic to food. I want to put food in it's proper place. Yes, something that gives me sustanance, but I'm realistic to know that it's something that I enjoy. I enjoy sampling something to discern the flavors and spices. To me that is an art. Food is an art. I have a friend that calls her new healthy lifestyle the "art of eating". And that is so true.

There is a very fine line between the art of food and the art of gluttony. But I am quite confident that there is a very clear line. And I'm equally confident that I can get this figured out. The beauty of figuring this out and walking on the art side of food is that when I'm not eating mindlessly or eating for the wrong reasons, the food becomes fresher, more vibrant and just ohhh so much more 'artful'.

Pure and simple will power is all that will help me beat the food addiction because the temptation to continue eating for that high is going to pop up time and time again. Will power is all that will beat it. In the case of the grilled cheese the other night. Will power SHOULD have ruled. After a reasonable amount of time then I should have reevaluated the second grilled cheese. I may still have decided...but I wouldn't be letting the addiction have the first say!

Rapture

Addiction.....got me last night. I made myself a grilled cheese. (3 points...not bad). I ate it and I was feeling just rapturous over the taste of my grilled cheese and the side of icicle pickles that I had. It was just delectible. When I came to, I found myself at the stove grilling up another! Ok, so I didn't really pass out from the intense rush of pleasure from the food. But I did find myself at the stove. I debated with myself. I tried to talk myself out of it. But in the end I did it. I had another. NORMALLY simply eating more of something does NOT cause the good feelings...the orgasmic eating experience to continue. However, last night was one of those rare exceptions. The second one was just as good as the first! Possibly better.

The purpose in my story? None....absolutely none. I was just sharing my slip of sanity.

I've been doing a lot of baking this week. I'm determined to make it through the week without a gain. I'm struggling. Really struggling.

Let me lay out my challenge for this week first. My challenge is to navigate a week full of baking in my kitchen without gaining weight! Yes, I'll be baking this and that all week long in preparation for an open house we are having. I can do it!!!

My other goal for the week......to take the first step to getting back into exercising......so my goal is to exercise 3 times this week!

I've been feeling blah the last few days.....so I'm trying to remember that being blah is not an excuse to eat. And that eating will not make one not feel better and thus take away the blahs! HOWEVER, when it seems as if life is spinning madly (out of control or otherwise). I CAN control my eating. I can take control of that one portion of my life. And the feeling of empowerment is all encompassing!

"You must reach a point where you're angry at your old self, your old life, your addictions. You have to hate the way you were, and when this hatred and anger consumers you, then you'll have the determination not to go back there."


John Grisham, The Associate

The Ruler

Oh boy, it's going to be a long day. The internet at work is doing something funky. Not sure if it's been blocked or if it's ...well just being funky. Sooo a long day with no email...and very limited internet. Joy joy.

Other than my splurge on Wednesday I've done pretty good with my eating this week. I've kept things under control. The most important thing....I haven't mindless eaten and all is moving along. I haven't let the stress of everyday life get to me. I've laid out my plan for eating and I've stuck to it every day.

Ruled by food....or ruling over food. I admit that I've been ruled by food in the past. Food was the most important thing. I lived for the food. Even while I was eating one meal, my mind had already spun forward and I was thinking about the next meal. I shovelled in the food so fast that I could barely taste the food before the next food was shoved into my mouth. I could not enjoy any of the experience, the talking, the atmosphere of where you are eating or anything because it was an all consuming fire to get the most food into my mouth! That is no true existence. Ruling over food..now that it where it's at. Sniffing the fabulous aromas. Savoring the delicious flavors. Enjoying the complex textures. And using my meal on Wednesday as an example. I think I ruled over the food instead of allowing the food to rule me. I ruled. I wasn't thinking ahead to the next food event. I wasn't thinking about anything but the food that I was eating (and the conversation with my husband of course...that goes without saying). I enjoyed the myriad of flavors. I sat back and enjoyed. No, I can't eat like that every day, because the food was rich in calories. But the essence of it. Eating purely for the enjoyment of the food is really where I want to be. I want to rule over food...and not allow food to rule me! Because if I am the ruler then I can control what I eat.

November 11, 2009

November 11, 2009, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yes, I splurged yesterday. I looked forward to Buca di Beppo and it lived up to my expectations (does it ever not). I haven't had time to actually look into my points to see how 'bad' it was. But one day is not enough to derail me....as long as it's only one day. Todd and I talked about the fact that when you don't splurge and don't eat like that often that it is so much more special and memorable. And yes, it is.

So does food make one happy? I was looking at the a blog entry today and saw this post that touched on the concept of food making us happy. And while my gut reaction was that 'no, it doesn't'. When I started to think about our meal yesterday, I have to revise that and say, yeah sometimes it does.

When I'm looking for a quick fix food....filling a void emotionally, I eat the food and while I'm eating the food I feel on top of the world. However, almost immediately upon finishing the good feeling ends and I'm back where I started before I ate. Actually worse because after eating, I've now got the added guilt of eating something I shouldn't have. So in that case eating does not make me happy.

HOWEVER, I knew that yesterday we were going to be going to Buca di Beppo. Wait, let me digress and give some background. In years past, Todd and I have eaten out way too much. But in recent years we have pared back drastically and in just the last month or two we cut back even further. For two reasons...financially it makes more sense to eat at home and it's easier to control the quality and portions at home. In comparison....back in 2006 (give or take) we would eat out and average of 5 times a week. We have pared it back to once a week now....and are trying to do once every other week. SOooo fast forward back to the present. We had not eaten out since Todd's birthday weekend......which was two weeks ago. We knew we were going to go to Buca. I tried to eat healthily for the days leading up to yesterday. I also planned a nice healthy dinner for last night (taco soup) So we went. Yes, I splurged a bit. Did it make me happy? Yes! Did it make me feel guilty? No! Was it a fleeting happiness? NO! I was sitting here at work thinking about our meal yesterday and it feels me with a warmth to remember the shared meal that had with my husband. I can remember the flavors of the food. The texture. The conversation. All of it...and it feels me with a happy warmth. So yes, that meal did really bring me a longer lasting happiness.

So what is the difference? What I see....the difference is that I wasn't eating emotionally...trying to fill a void. Trying to occupy my mind. I planned for it. And most significantly, by not eating out all the dang time the event became special.

Habits, Traditions and just the way it is

I'm off work today as is Todd. We've talked a few times about our plans for the day. Nothing is set in stone. But as I lay in bed this morning just relishing in the laze of not worrying about getting up for work I started to to think about the conversations that we've had. 1. We could drive down toward DC and visit Bucca di Beppo...and from there mosey around. 2. We could go toward Frederick and go to Brewers Alley and from there mosey around. 3. We would stay relatively close to home and eat at Rocco's or maybe I could take Todd to Barefoot Bernies. In case you didn't know. Bucca di Beppo....restaurant. Brewers Alley.....restaurant. Roccos.....restaurant. Barefoot Bernies....restaurant. We are making our plans based around the food choices that each area provides. Is this a healthy lifestyle mentality? No, the focus of our day should not be food. Yet somehow it is. I know that I'm addicted to food. I enjoy the experience of eating. The taste of eating. The texture of food. The smells. The sounds. I enjoy it all! But it shouldn't be the focus of my day! I don't want it to be the focus of my day. I don't want to be ruled by food. Yet I find myself constantly ruled by food.

How can I make the leap from being ruled by food to being the ruler of food. In essence using food simply for what it does for me....sustains life. And that is the crux of my problem...I would have to say goodbye to my friend. My constant friend. I would have to say goodbye to that friend that has helped me study in college....high school and middle school too Heck, I can remember rewarding myself with food in grade school. Working on my spelling words, each word I got right I would take a bite of food...or a drink of hot chocolate. I didn't have a weight problem in grade school, but I can look back and see the ground work being laid for my addiction. This friend that I have to say good by with....wouldn't be there to help me celebrate the good times. And this friend wouldn't be there to console me when times get bad. Food has been my true friend. Yes, I am eating emotionally....in every emotion, ever nuance of my life.

Do I want to give up this friend? This addiction? Yes, yes yes...I don't want to be addicted to food. But am I really willing to give up my friend? Honestly...no. Is it healthy to hang onto this? I'm not sure.

So my question is, how can I separate the two. The addiction from the friend. And yes, learning how to limit my time spent with this friend. Not bringing food to the forefront of each and every day.....not elevating this friend/food to the most important spot in my life. That's not healthy. I still want the friend.....I just want the friend put into it's rightful place in my life.

Reporting in

Lock hardware, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I showed a loss of 6/10ths of a pound. I'm frustrated because it does come on so much faster...and takes sooo much work to get off. But progress in the right direction is being made, no matter how slowly! Plugging along.

Todd and I talked about going to the gym today. And we were set to go..but instead we decided to hit up the canal and do a nice long walk on a nice fall day. Soooo I got a nice long walk in instead. The bad part? I twisted my food and now my foot hurts to high heavens. I keep hoping that I'll be able to walk it off...but it's getting worse. JOY JOY!

Food wise, I'm doing good thus far today. I've got my plans laid out and all should be well!

Well....here we are Monday again. I should show a maintain or thereabouts at my meeting tonight. If I can hang onto a maintain or even a slight loss I will be utterly tickled. I did so good through the first part of the week....and then Friday I had a day a bit high on carbs, but it was ok because I worked outside for a few hours and STILL exercised when I came in. Saturday...blew my points by one or two.....once again too many carbs. And then Sunday rolled around. Bread bread bread bread bread. Whew. 40 points consumed...and for you non-weight watcher people...I only get 27 at this point. YIKES! Back at it today!

I had a nice weekend. Friday worked outside. Saturday went into town and did some christmas shopping. (The kids are just about done...WOO HOOO) And Sunday, I did absolutely nothing. Well, no...I made three meals and I did the final mowing of the season....but nothing else.

This morning...started early.....at the gym!

Confession

I was tickled last night to have my husband at home. True, he was home because a client cancelled...but he's been away every evening...and that gets old! Sooo I threw away my plan for eating....and I made spaghetti (marinara sauce for me.....clam sauce for him). He requested a bread....which I made. I whipped up a ceasar salad also. I had a decent amount of points....but the bread threw me over the edge, points wise. Points wise I'm not to worried. I'd only used 1 flex point thus far in the week....and I've utilized none of my activity points. I'm more worried about the carb overload. But I'm sure I'll be fine.

The alarm was set early this morning so that I could get some activity/exercise in. But well....best laid plans don't always work. I do however get off work at 2. The new plan is to go home....change and IMMEDIATELY (before logging onto the computer...or picking up a book or doing ANYTHING) exercise. THEN I can log onto the computer, work on dinner, and all that fun stuff!!!

breakfast casserole

breakfast casserole, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yummy 4 points breakfast....5 if you include the toast. :-) Simple yet delicious breakfast casserole.

I once again pulled at the dance pad and did DDR for 40 minutes this morning. While it may be low intensity, by the time the 40 minutes is nearing and end, my legs are starting to feel heavy and I notice myself not jumping as easily....so it's doing something. :-)

I haven't weighed myself since my official weigh in day. I know that I'm on track, things are going good with my eating and I am chosing to not be stressed about the numbers on the scale. I will probably take a peak Saturday or Sunday. But then again, maybe not. :-) No matter, I feel very satisfied with my efforts at this point. I have added in some more movement and I've been keeping my eating under control...including my carb intake. Yes, carbs...mainly breads and pastas are my downfall! I did splurge and eat another piece of Snickers Pie last night but it only put me 1 point over my food budget so I'm ok with that, especially since I haven't eaten any of my flex points OR my activity points. I've got some ideas for desserts for this upcoming weekend. So we'll see. I think planning my food for the day and budgeting in (allowing for) a treat each evening be it the snickers pie, the milky way pie, the banana split thingy or simply a frut bar (anything low cal/low points) is really helping. I stay on track because I know that if I do I will have a reward. Sooo should I be rewarding my efforts with food? Probably not. Does it work???? Unequivicably!

The headache that I've been suffering with since Saturday night is still present. It's getting old. I think some of it is brought on by the sheer boredom at my job. Because it seems to get worse when I am getting ready to go to work and at work. Oh no...I'm turning into a mental case!

Exercise for cats

Exercise for cats, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Exercise for cats......and for cat owners also. I did have to remove Lil' Mertz from the dance pad. She calmly accepted her removal and laid down at the edge of the dance pad and watched me step my way into better health. Todd suggested pulling out an extra dance pad for her to lay on. I thought that was going a bit far.

Results of my official weigh in last night. I lost 3 pounds! I am tickled about 3 pounds. Plumb tickled. However there is part of me that is still so disgusted wtih the weight gain that the loss of 3 pounds seem insignificant. Very mixed emotions.

Todd and I usually do our main meal together in the evening. But today we did a big breakfast together. (we had waffles). I'm a bit nervous because that means I have to navigate the rest of the day on my own....and he will not be at home tonight. And for me, eating at home by myself is bad. It's so much more difficult for me to eat on my own....I can be somewhat of a closet eater. I quickly laid out a plan this morning for my eating...so I can stick to that. However, my plan doesn't include many veggies. It's heavy on fruit though. So I may adjust my plan a bit to include some veggies. We'll have to see.

Leaf, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Hit up the canal for a nice crisp fall morning walk!!!!

Snickers Pie, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yummy yummy snickers pie. It is a definite winner, and rather low points per slice!!!!

I was laying in bed and started to think about what the added weight really means to me. And I realized that the extra weight adds a metaphoric weight to my life. I feel weighted down. I came to the conclusion that this extra weight totally changes how I feel about myself and in changing that, also changes how I live my life. I'm not as open as free. I realized that with my extra weight I started to retreat to the safe old MaryFran personality. It is crazy when I think about it...because I am the same person...but the weight really does affect everything!

Accomplished another day of healthy eating yesterday!!!! I go to my meeting tonight. It may not be a huge loss...but I'm confident that I will so some sort of loss!!!!

I've had a couple good days of eating. As each day passes and I keep it under control, I feel stronger and more capable of restarting this journey. It's not easy, but it is worth it.

The last two days I thought were going to be a major challenge as I was home alone for most of that time. I am a bit of a closet eater. If no-one is here to see me eat it, then it doesn't count...right? Ha. So with Todd working 11 hours on Saturday and 10 hours on Sunday, I was home alone for a very good long portion of my weekend. I don't rightly know how I did it. All I know is that I was laying in bed last night and I all of sudden realized that 'woah, I wasn't even tempted to eat.'. I planned out my day and it wasn't a thing of 'what can I eat'. It was all planned. there was no thought involved. I ate what I had planned and that was that. I have been planning and making low cal/low points desserts to indulge in each evening. On saturday night it was a Banana Split Pie and on Sunday night it was Snickers Pie. I think knowing that I'll be having a treat at the end of the night (a low points treat..big portions too) helps keep me on track. :-)

Moving along. My head is in the right place right now. So much so that I went to eat a corn bread muffin with my lunch and threw half of it away because it wasn't yummy....(I had popped it into the microwave to warm it...and let it in there too long). So progress.


Food yesterday for the MF'ster

Breakfast:
cheerios with a splash of fat free milk
Lunch:
taco soup
corn bread muffin
applesauce
Dinner:
buttered noodles
carrots
peas
sauerkraut
applesauce

Snack:
Banana Split Pie (very low fat/cal/points)

I think I did pretty good at the potluck yesterday. I didn't go hog wild. Yet I did indulge a bit. And my indulgence? I SPLIT a cheese danish with my manager! SPLIT!!! That has been a foreign concept with me lately. Taking the taco soup was a brilliant move. It gave me something really filling to eat!

Meanwhile, last night as I was watching tv some thoughts went through my head. And all of a sudden I realized that losing weight was more important than eating what I want, when I want it. I have a couple reasons why this came to me...and why it became ultra important to me.....nope...not sharing. But they are there and these reasons will push me I'm sure.

Nothing profound today...just a reaffirmation that I'm on the right track.

Still plodding along. I struggled yesterday. I had to bake something for my co-workers and I will admit that I struggled with the temptation of having the dough/batter in front of me. I did however get the goodies out of the house today...even though I technically didn't need them until tomorrow. That said, the pot luck tomorrow....i've planned on bringing taco soup so taht I have something to eat...and the grand plan is to stay away from the highly caloric goodies. those things that if I start eating, I won't be able to stop. Yup, those.

Meanwhile, lots of stuff going through my head.....maybe I'll get it down in writing one day soon.

One last thought on failure.....how fitting that there was a segment on failure last night on The Biggest Loser. Enough said.

I do believe that I'm going to sit back and not weigh every day for a bit. I stepped onto the scales this morning and low and behold I was up. WHAT??? I've been religious about my food intake. I added exercise yesterday. There is no reason. I'm working to not let it get me stressed.....and for that reason, I'm going to attempt to only weigh once a week. Sometimes the stress of not knowing gets to me...but I think right now it would be better to not be seeing any negatives on the scales for a while.


Planning on going to the gym this afternoon....we'll see!

Failure

Failure. I feel like a failure because I've regained some of my weight. I've skirted the issue before, but I'm coming out bold with it right now. I totally feel like a 100% failure. In recognizing and verbalizing this fact, I can then admit that I'm soooo afraid of failing again! Weight loss is sooooo non-personal. EVERYONE can see how you are doing. Everyone can see you shovelling food into your mouth and everyone can see the results of a bigger body. There is no way that you can hide it. So to fail with your weight loss goals is to do so very publicly. And that scares me. I've already failed once........I'm afraid to fail again.

That said, I'm still going forward. I'm going to take the risk.

To never try, is to fail.

report in from mini vacation

I never thought that i would be here. Here as in weighing in higher and higher each week it seems. I stepped on the scales this morning and saw a 4 pound gain. Now, let me rehash. I weighed myself the last time on Thursday...the beginning of my little mini vacation. I was showing a maintain from my last official weigh in. So I went into my little mini 4 days off optimistic. I was going to do it. On Thursday I went to lunch with a friend. I chose a really healthy salad for lunch. I enjoyed it greatly! That evening we went to a viewing for Todd's uncle and stopped for dinner on the way home. I was HUNGRY. By the time we got to the restaurant it was 8PM. I ordered based on my hunger and didn't think about making the best option for my health. I got broccoli chicken alfredo with a salad from the salad bar (and I threw on some pasta from the salad bar I have to admit.) The alfredo was the start of the downward spiral. Friday came, my husbands birthday. I started the day by making my healthier version of caramel pecan sticky buns. Only 3 points for one bun. Not bad. Wait, hold the horses....3 points for one bun, that's not bad. BUT, the recipe makes 8.....there were only two of us. And heck, it was his birthday....so I ate half a recipe......4 of the buns...12 points! We did half way light for lunch. I made Todd the Smoked Salmon wraps and I made us both chicken ravioli soup. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with my soup. Admittedly, I had two servings of soup. Soooo very good. For dinner. Lasagna, salad, german chocolate cake. Lunch on Saturday was at Applebees. We got the two for $20 Our appetizer was the spinach artichoke dip. Ohhh it was HEAVEN! Cheesy...the chips were hot and soooo good. I had a salad....and....the three cheese penne with chicken. ARRGGGHHH They have weight watcher menu items. I could have done SOOOO good. But NOOOOOOO! Ok, it was really yummy. Dinner, I broke my beef ban and we had pizza burgers with macaroni and cheese. Oh yeah, with our movie.....mudslides, which I ate least made with low fat/fat free ice cream. Sunday wasn't much better. Breakfast was and english muffin (I had the same thing for breakfast on Saturday). Lunch was delayed so we snacked on cinamon cookies (i had 3...or was it 4) and a bag each of pretzels for us. (individual sized bags). Lunch.....mexican restaraunt. Chips and salsa (not, thin chips!) with the most delectible sweet sauce. (I would give my eyeteeth to know how to make taht sweet dipping sauce) I ordered the vegetarian combo of a burrito, enchilada and a quesadilla. Dinner....grilled cheese and leftover chicken ravioli soup. Dessert? Ohhh do I have to fess up to that too???? The shoofly pie that we've had in the freezer for the last umpteen months! Whew....confession over.

Soooo, looking at it...I actually maintained pretty decently through the stress days of the broken studio equipment and the deaths and all that. But when it was all worked out and we had some time to sit back, relax and let loose after our stress I cut loose and whew. Look out. So I managed the stress time....but I just lost it when things got back to normal and the stress was alleviated! I can't win for trying!

So, I'm back at work today. I really really really struggled with getting here to work. I did not want to come. Enough that in the middle of the night I woke up and this coat of depression came over me when I remembered that I had to work. The only thing....while I'm dreading going to a meeting tonight and fessing up to my weight gain (accountability really works), I'm looking foward to getting back on track with eating. As much as I enjoyed the food, I know that my body feels better with a healthier diet. I feel better. I don't like feeling bloated and icky. But I continue to do it!

Lesson learned!

The prodigal lifestyle changer is back!

Salmon Wrap, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I haven't forgotten my journey to lose weight and be healthy. I've just been sidetracked in the last weeks. We had two uncles pass away in two unrelated incidents. THe one was a car accident that put an aunt in the hospital. We had some equipment malfunction in the studio and well, some time off from work to just relax and unwind. Ohh and the time off...we celebrated a birthday and well, the eating got out of hand. I know what I need to do though and I'm actually looking foward to doing it!!!!! As much as I have enjoyed the food that I've eaten, I'm willing to give it up to feel better!!! Overeating and eating super rich foods is appealing, but after a few days...woah, it's too much. Yup, never thought I would say something like there.

Chicken Ravioli Soup

Chicken Ravioli Soup, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

So, I put some food pics on my blog today. These were actually the somewhat healthy things that I made at home during this stretch of decadent eating!!!!

Had my food plan posted on the fridge yesterday and when I came home,even though I was home alone, which is usually a liscence for me to eat wildly and totally out of control I looked at that food plan posted there and I stuck with it. To a tee. So last night I figured out my eating plan for today. PRinted it out and it is posted on the fridge. I'm sticking with it today also!!!!

Today is the last day of work before a long weekend for me!! Wooo hooo. Can't wait to have a few days off! Yeah, I don't actually do much at my job...but being bored really gets......boring. haa ha ahaa. No seriously, being bored and doing nothing really gets old! What's planned for the weekend? Not sure, the weather will be holding us back somewhat. We had originally wanted to hike up in Catoctin on day. We also talked about hiking Maryland Heights. But the weather is to be really crappy half of the time. BOO HOOOO