Tuesday, January 26, 2010


I still don't really know why I felt compelled to write the last post....I guess it was just for me. To finally say out loud in one sitting just a bit of my experience. I have friends and family that still have never heard some of it, and how bad it really was. My husband was dating me at the time though....and if a guy can stand beside you during a time like that....he's a keeper. :-)

I guess there are a couple things

1. Failure. I believe that the fear of failure keeps me 'down.' (I'm petrified of failure since my experience) I know that when I had reached my doctor approved weight I started to self sabotage my weight loss and weight maintain (I was actually still trying to lose as I was at the upper limit of where he wanted me). Why? Fear of the unknown? Fear of failure? I had stalled with my weight loss. Stalled at 180. I went to the doctor and he told me that he wanted me between 160 and 180...so he was happy where I was. I wanted to lose more....I "tried" but I never really gave it my all. Why? Because I was afraid of failing at something, again. If I never tried to push forward, I wouldn't be failing. And my doctor gave me an out. I was within his goal weight' prescription. I need to stop worrying about failure...because to worry about it is only going to cause me to stop doing something, which is failure in itself. I heard a quote once that struck a chord. "The biggest failure is to never try". I've set up my mileage goal for this year. Honestly, I'm behind in my riding. I am so tempted to give it up, because if I give it up I'm not failing right? But I'm determined to see this through to the end AND succeed!

2. I'm sick of being a victim of obesity. I know that there have been opportunities that I have either lost because of my weight or that I have let slip by because of how my weight makes me feel on the inside. I do believe that there have been job opportunities that I have been passed over simply because I was an obese person and this employer wanted to portray a certain image...and a fat girl just wasn't it. But I will be honest with myself and say that I'm sure that my mental view of myself has at times seeped to the surface becoming visible for all those around me to see. Negative self thoughts, while we think that they are buried deep within us are in reality on display each and every day simply in the way we act, dress, talk and live our daily lives. I read on someones blog (so sorry, can't remember whom) that this person was going to take 15 minutes each day to pamper themselves. How profound!

3. I need to stop caring what a few nincompoops said to me and about me, especially those things that I have no control over. Who cares. If I like me, and my husband likes me and my family likes me and friends...well you get the point. Who cares. Live my life for ME and don't worry about those things that can not be changed! And remember that I was wonderfully made by the greatest creator!

4.Well, I'm just going to beat the hell out of this weight...make myself healthy mentally, emotionally and physicallY!

That said, I got emotional this morning and left it affect my eating at lunch. ARRGGGHHH And then of course I got ticked off at myself for doing it...what a viscious cycle! I did however ride for 35 minutes this morning!


bbubblyb said...

MaryFran, I'm sorry I wasn't here yesterday to read your post and give you support. I'm sorry you had to go through all that too.

All you said today hit home with me. You know I hit my goal last week and this week all I've wanted to do is eat. I don't know why we feel the need to punish ourselves, we are good people. You deserve success and happiness in your job and life so just go out there and get it.

I read somewhere "Realize that there is no such thing as failure. Keep this in mind and you will acheive all that you conceive in your mind. You never fail, you simply produce results." It really is just about picking yourself back up and keep on trying. I'm doing my meeting this week on this exact subject. No one is a failure, everything we do just helps us learn what works and what doesn't.

I know I'm going to have a gain this week too tonight but like Dana said to me today "It's just a moment in time" and I'm going to think just that when I step on that scale tonight.

Hope we both have a better week this week. *hugs*

VRaz60 said...

You are well on your way to getting these feeling under control. You are beginning to own them, and pretty soon you'll be conquering them. Keep at it. We are all works in progress, and plenty of people love us and want us to succeed!!

Anonymous said...

You WILL overcome. Just keep at it. Keep fighting.

I have a quote on the bottom of my blog..."Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality." (Ralph Marston) Pretty powerful!!