Hanging on by a thread

So my return to the land of weight loss wasn’t as victorious as I had hoped.

I didn’t go crazy, thank heavens!  I didn’t shovel in food like crazy I remained steady and kept my food intake on an even keel.   I tried to eat intuitively and wisely. 

We did continue our after work walks.  And I even attempted to ride a mountain bike trail.  And it went well!  It was fun.  It was hard.  It didn’t hurt my ribs any worse than a normal ride!  Even the deer came out to applaud me!

However, I tracked nothing. (Well does one day count?)   I lost no weight.   I failed to restart any daily exercise.

I did however finish piecing my modern style crazy quilt!

We also cleaned both cars...inside and out!   Look at this girl shine!!!

I also worked on some smaller dollhouse projects, worked, and just tried to enjoy life!

So where does this leave me?   I am still really struggling to get into the swing of this weight loss journey.  In my heart I am not ready to really restart this weight loss journey and get sucked into the more of it all.  But in my mind I know that I need to.   I know that I need to get this weight off.  I know that I need to work on getting fit again. I know that I need to restart this weight loss journey full force!

I’m here today.  I’m making no promises.   I’m not vowing to start my daily exercise routine.  I’m not vowing to track every bite of food.  I’m not promising to lose weight this week.    I am however admitting that I HOPE to restart a daily exercise routine next week. (We stay pretty active on the weekends...my work week is where I’m lacking).  I plan to start consistently tracking.  I also still really want to lose weight.   I can do this!!

MIA from my weight Loss Journey

So in case you haven’t noticed I have been missing in action lately.   Actually  I’ve been nowhere to be found any of my social media accounts...or to be more specific I was absent from any and all participation in my weight loss related accounts.  If you stopped by, all you heard were the crickets!  Yup....I was nowhere to be found!

I wish I could say that during my absence that I was killing it on the scales and that I had managed to lose a lot of weight.  However, that is not the case.  This was purely a ‘vacation’ from the constant worry of trying to lose weight, the constant whirl of thoughts about my journey and yes, the Spector of coming back on here once again to say ‘I’m still failing at this weight loss journey thing’.   

Now don’t get the wrong idea.  My little break wasn’t great, but it wasn’t all bad.  So let’s break  it down into the  different aspects.

My weight

I actually didn’t gain any weight during this time of silence.  I actually maintained my weight during the last week or two.  Sure, there were the normal fluctuations that occur from drinking different amounts of water, higher sodium foods, etc.  but my weight stayed within the same pound or two. 

My food

I was far from perfect!  Far from it!  But somewhere and somehow in this little break, I started to naturally regain my footing with some of the unhealthier habits. Ok, let’s be honest here...the sweet treat at night is the big change!  I eliminated that.  (Ok, last night I had once piece of cake...first sweet treat in over a week! And it will be the last sweet treat  until next weekend at the earliest!  Balance!!!)   I tried to eat a simple healthy meals, especially lunches!.  My lunches were an actual sandwich with a side (be it chips, or pretzels) portioned onto a plate which I ate somewhere other than in the kitchen.  They were NOT eaten with me standing in the kitchen, the Pringle’s can open in front of me and just mindlessly eating!  I’m sure my calories were over my zone where I lose weight (for me 1200 to 1400 calories) but in a way maybe I was resetting my habits and food behaviors.

Exercise

This was not a total failure  either.   We walked every day after work.  Just a mile but at least it was something!   We also managed to get in some bike rides.  They were all on the canal and very easy (the ribs are still tender and healing) but each ride was over 20 miles! 

Ride one:

Ride Two:

Ride three:

So that was more than 60 miles of bike riding in the last week or so!! We also got about 8 miles of walking in, above and beyond the after work walks!

Walk 1, canal walk:  

Walk Two,  laps around the Hagerstown City Park:

The time off was not without thought and conversation about my weight.  There were even some tears.  Because, you see, I feel somewhat helpless.  I don’t like to be this weight.  I’ve been sore and my body aches. I know that it is in direct correlation to my weight.  I know I need to change my lifestyle and I want to it’s just so overwhelming...and difficult!  

But....we did our biweekly grocery shopping this past weekend and I loaded up on fruits and vegetables, ready to tackle this weight problem that has plagued me for years.  I am determined to lose weight.   A new month starts today. This is the perfect opportunity for a new Maryfran to emerge.  

I don’t have all the answers.  I don’t have the solution to the age old problem of obesity.  But I still have the desire to lose weight.   I still have the desire to get back to my lower weight and reap the benefits...that feeling of vitality and health.  I want a life without the aches and pains of all this extra weigh on my body. My little break has hopefully refreshed me and gave me the break that I needed to tackle this issue.  Let the weight loss journey recommence!

What is wrong with me?

It started recently.    Well, relatively recently.  January  first to be exact!   My clutzy tendency’s have become scary!  I seem to be falling more and more!   Yes...quite frequently!   What is happening to me???

Now let me get this straight, I have always been a bit accident prone.  But the amount of falls I am having is really concerning.   I don’t know why...is it really just a freak of nature that I’m having a run of bad luck?

Yes, it started January first.   We went hiking on the Appalachian Trail.  We were almost back to the car and I was doing a stream crossing and something happened and I slipped and fell.   We attributed it to us not having hiked for a while and my legs being really sore and didn’t think anything of it!  We continued to hike each weekend and my legs grew stronger.   

I didn’t have any more accidents in January....that I can remember.  But  February brought about another fall!   We were on a light walk.  I’m not even going to call it a hike because it was so tame!   I tripped and went down.  Again?   I was kinda confused...two times in two months.  What are the odds?  

It doesn’t end there though....I fell on a hike in mid to late April.  As best we can figure out, my foot caught on a rock and I went down.    We were concerned at that point because that was accident three in just a few months.   But it didn’t end there.  One week later I had my bike accident.  ONE. WEEK!  

Surely my luck would change!   But no, two weeks after that, just this past weekend I went down again!  I kid you not.   We were out on a light easier bike ride on the canal towpath. (Seriously, I’m still in near constant rib pain...it had to be easy).   We stopped to go explore a tunnel/cave.    

I had to go down a small slope into the canal and then back up on the other side to get to this tunnel.   Jason was taking care of our bikes so that I could be safe.  I was being careful.  I swear I was being careful!   I was moving slowly and the next thing I knew my foot slipped on gravel.  I landed with a thud on my butt.   Wow, the fall jarred my ribs (which are still really sore!)!    Luckily, I walked away with only a few scrapes on my arm and my ribs and after the initial rush of pain didn’t suffer any more damage in that area. 

But you can see, these accidents are happening with greater frequency.   Looking back, we hiked a LOT the first year we were together.   I didn’t fall every hike...or even once a month.  I do remember one fall while hiking about two and a half years ago...but nothing else.  ONCE.  One fall in four years.   And here in about three months I am heading toward double digits.  Ok not that close, but enough that I’m concerned.

We aren’t sure what is the problem.  It seems to be mostly when we are hiking.   It doesn’t happen when I’m just walking.  I don’t fall and stumble at the grocery store.  I don’t trip or slip while walking around our apartment.  We walk outside every day after work and I haven’t fallen once!  (Just writing this scares me though...I hope I haven’t hexed myself!!). We originally thought maybe when I get tired my legs just give out.  We have wondered if I’m just not picking my feet up and if they are catching on any uneven surface, rock or tree root.   Is it something to do with my weight...has my weight shifted and has it messed up my balance?  

I just don’t know.  But While Jason has  jokingly said that he is going to start making me wear knee and elbow pads and a full face helmet when I go out, I think there is an ounce of truth to his suggestion!  These calls have got to stop though!   I’ve been somewhat lucky and most of the falls have garnered nothing more than some scrapes and bruises. But I fear that my luck will run out!!!!  I am not giving up on exercise, but I am nervous!!!!!

It is however becoming a more regular occurrence and it is scaring me badly!  

I hate exercise

For a while there, I was actually loving to exercise!   Yes, me!  The overweight gal that prefers to read and do crafts!  I actually loved and craved exercise! But something happened and it is just not my friend any more!

 I was going to zumba and doing as many sessions as I could each week.  (Can we say 4-6 hours of Zumba?). In the same week I was riding my bike, doing exercise videos and running at least 4 times a week.  It was insane!  But I felt strong and healthy!

And then something happened.    I have evolved back into the lazy Maryfran, the ‘I’d rather be crafting’ Maryfran!  Exercise comes when Jason says its is so nice today, we have to get outside!   I go...somewhat grudgingly.  The good thing, I never regret going!   

This past weekend we went out for a bike ride .and I realized that right now I am doing better when I can forget that what I’m doing is exercise.   We went on a section of the canal that I have not been on in years.  I was so busy looking at everything that the miles passed by and I almost forgot that I was exercising!  

Masking exercise in some fun activity is a great way to get it done. 

 However, I want to bring back the Maryfran that couldn’t wait to get out and go for that run. I want to be the Maryfran that wouldn’t skip a zumba class unless I was on my death bed!    I want that hot sweat dripping down my back.  I want that feeling of exhilaration that infused me after a workout. I want it.  But I hate it and dread it right now. 

I swear I’m a hot mess!  How can I want something but hate it?  Hopefully if I just push myself to do it, I will learn to love it again!!!!!!   

So yes, the running WILL recommence...as soon as my ribs are capable!!!! 

Back to the basics

As I fell off the weight loss wagon I stopped doing some of those most basic things that for me are intrinsic for weight loss.   Well honestly, I stopped doing a lot of things.   But let me start with the most basic items.

The first and most basic thing is water!   I stopped drinking my water.   I stopped really caring.  I stopped even preparing my water for the day.  Oh I would make my flavored/vitamin packet water every morning, but I would only take one or two sips of water through the day.   That is not good.  My minimum goal for the day is 64 ounces!  I am still trying to struggle to get my water intake back to where it needs to be.  But I am preparing my water every morning and I am trying to make a real effort to drink....drink again ...and then drink some more!

The second thing that is utterly basic is the tracking of my food.   I used to have a rule that I would track my food intake, no matter what!   The process makes me aware and cognizant of what I’m eating.  The process and act of tracking grounds me.  It keeps me honest.  It also reigns me in with my eating.   So even if it’s crazy high food intake, I need to track

Those are the two most basic items that I’m working on right now.   I need to have those two things in place first!  It might be enough to turn the ship around.   :-)

As I get those two items in line I will be starting to focus and think more about what foods I’m eating (that comes naturally for me as I track). It then becomes a ‘is it worth it to eat this and use the calories?  

I am working on this!!!

Weight loss failure

I am such a failure at this weight loss stuff!  Seriously I am a  colossal failure!

I swore that this past week was going to be my epic return to actual weight loss!   However, on this official weigh in day, I find myself still sitting at the upper end of the scales!   I have officially gained 10 pounds since our world went topsy turvy!    

I’m embarrassed. So embarrassed!

Why am I sabotaging myself.   Now let’s be clear,  I’m not standing in the kitchen saying ‘let me self sabotage’.  Of course not!   I actually start each and every day with a positive spin.  ‘Today is going to be the day!’   I track my food!   I get my 64 ounce water jug and my flavored vitamin water ready for the day!

I track my breakfast!  I think to myself, ‘I have this!’   And then sometime ...usually at lunchtime, my good intentions go down the drain...or should I say that the food goes down the hatch ...as I shovel God knows what into my pie hole!   Self control flees and I am left with a terrible sense of failure and I don’t track even a single bite the rest of the day!

That loss of self control then gives me the self perpetuating thoughts of ‘may as well go all in’.  Oh you know the feeling.   It’s that sense of saying ‘I already messed up, I may as well just have the good ...but unhealthy foods for the rest of the day...tomorrow I’ll get back on track’. This past week that brought around a situation where I ate a lot of the rolls from our Texas Roadhouse Takeout order.  

It also led to a package of Red Velvet Chips Ahoy cookies.  I recommend NOT buying them if you are trying to lose weight...they are DELICIOUS!!

I indulge and then I am infused with a sense of guilt.  Luckily the guilt doesn’t spur me to give up.  The guilt I feel each night spurs me to start my next day hot on the trail of weight loss.   I prepare my water and track my breakfast!

I can do it I tell myself.   But then it’s like it is a wash rinse repeat deal....and somewhere around lunchtime I lose all vestige of self control!

It doesn’t help that my ribs are still giving me a pretty good amount of pain.  (Will this pain ever end?). So just the thought of exercise makes me cringe.   I have been walking after work....but only because Jason asks me to walk with him when I get off work and when I waffle about going he says ‘I’m going if you go or not...’ and I drag my butt out the door.  (Thank you Jason!). 

I don’t have a magic solution to fix this.  I want to lose weight so badly.   I fear what is going to happen to me if I do not get this under control.  Meanwhile, it’s early morning on the first day of my weight week...my water is prepared, my breakfast is tracked....I’m starting the day and week out strong!

Weekend fun

I am not sure if my weekend fun is coming back to haunt me or if I am just still much further away from recovery then I think and want to be aftermy bike accident...but boy oh boy do my ribs hurt today.

We had a nice weekend.  We saw our mothers to wish them Happy Mother’s Day and that was nice.  On Sunday we decided to go for a bike ride.

I’m not going to lie.  I was nervous about getting back on my bike.   It’s not that I’m afraid of riding...or even wrecking again!!!  I am afraid of actually falling on my ribs!!!  The pain if I fell would do me in I fear!  

But we had a good ride.  No accidents !   I did take some Advil as a preemptive strike against any pain before we went out.   I won’t lie and say it felt great.  But it didn’t feel too bad.   

We rode for about 3 hours.  We covered about 23 leisurely miles.   We enjoyed our trip.   While it wasn’t exactly comfortable, it was fun!

Even better, my legs felt fine!  Yay!!!   Now last night I wasn’t hurting any,  but this morning I am in misery with pain...not legs...my ribs!! I don’t know if it’s a side affect of the ride or if I slept wrong.  But eii yiii yii!  (I naturally tend to sleep on my side and my back is where it doesn’t hurt...but I keep waking up laying on my side...and in pain!)

I am happy with my efforts to stay active though!  I want to keep my riding legs so that I can rip down the mountain bike trails when I am feeling better!!!!   And meanwhile, it’s time to get this excess weight off!!!   It’s time!!!

Enough is enough

I’ve had enough.  I know I need to take time to heal.   I know that my body isn’t back to normal.  I know that my injuries are still hanging around.  But enough is enough. It’s time for action, not the time for dreaming!

What am I talking about?   I am talking about saying that it’s time to stop wallowing in pain and start working on this weight loss thing again.

Yes, I’m still on pain    But yesterday I could feel that I turned some sort of corner.  The pain dropped in intensity.  Well maybe not intensity.... but, the pain dropped from constant intensity to bursts of intensity.   The ache is constant still.  I also dressed myself without anyone’s assistance and I did it without crying or gasping in pain!  Go me!

Over this last week, I didn’t go hog wild with my eating.  In terms of weight watcher points, I ate my daily points and all of my weekly points.   In calorie counting terms, I ate around 1600 calories.   By the book, that should be enough for a wee tiny loss!  But  for me that is a maybe maintain (if I’m lucky) but most likely a gain.  Yes, I ate my pain!  I’m a food addict.   I eat every emotion and ever feeling.   I’m not proud of it, but that is unfortunately who I am.

But if this really is a broken rib (ribs) the healing is going to take weeks...6-8 weeks.  I can’t eat my myself silly for that long!   I also can’t go that long without some kind of formal exercise.   And....I started a challenge in the month of May that I am shamelessly copying from Another blog I follow    I started off gung ho...and on day two I fell apart when I had that accident!

Sooo....a week late but here I am, presenting myself for the challenge.   You see.  I may have messed up and/or missed the first week of the challenge but there are still three more weeks where I can have success!  If I throw in the towel and say ‘next month’ I lose three weeks of opportunity!   That would be a travesty!

So here I am....ready to rock out the next three weeks of this challenge.    

So what are the parameters of the challenge?

Here are the goals that were set over at

Lessofme108days

1. Stick to between 1,200 and 1,400 calories a day
2. A minimum of 7,000 steps per day
3. Lose 10 pounds by May 31
4. Post progress on my blog

So how are my goals different?

1.  My calories will be the same....low because that’s where I lose.

2 So I knew that the 7k steps were going to be rough.   I am aiming for 5k OR a bike ride.  (Yes, I plan of still riding).   

3  lose weight...7 pounds is my goal   Since I have ‘lost a week’ I would say that I’m ‘hoping’ for 10 pounds but that may not be realistic. 

4.  Share my progress...of course!  :-)

So here we go.   It’s not going to be easy because the pain does persist, but I can’t lay down and let the weight come back!  I want to win the war against this weight...that means that I need to fight the battles...even when I don’t feel at my best!  

Taking it Easy

Why does this happen to me?  I just start to get into a routine and boom, life happens and upsets the balance!

It happened with my exercise bike this February.  I was riding 3-4 mornings a week.  And then my back got all jacked up and I stopped riding religiously.   The other week I decided to start yoga and I actually was doing it and enjoying it and boom....a bike accident!

Let me tell you.  It’s frustrating!

I am hanging in there with my injuries from my bike crash.    My face doesn’t seem to be as swollen and my lips is no longer puffy.  The eye is still black and blue And the inside of my lip is still sore. 

The bruises are  All. Over. My. Body. And they are still in the process of popping up and getting darker and darker every day.  Jason has made the remark that he almost doesn’t even know where to touch me because it’s either covered with road rash or a bruise.  (Seriously though, it’s not that bad...my left side is almost unmarked by wounds.....almost.) 

The shoulder continues to be the point of worry and pain.   Work has been a bit ‘fun’. (Not the sarcasm).  Anytime I move my right arm from the mouse to the keyboard I am treated to a stabbing pain.  Reaching forward with my right hand to dial a number on my phone is torture.  And don’t even get me started on what a cough, sneeze or even a hiccup feels like.   I can’t bend forward without pain shooting through me. (It’s almost like the weight and pressure of my body is too much)   I finally gave in on Tuesday morning and reached into the medicine cabinet and took some muscle relaxers hoping for relief.  It may have taken the edge off...slightly.  But so minor that I couldn’t even tell for sure.  So today (Wednesday) I am going to up the meds to two pills.  They were prescribed for me last year and the instructions were 1-2 pills every 6 hours as needed.   I don’t like to take pills so I tried to start with the least amount.  Uhh yeah, that did diddly squat.  So I’m going to go big with two!  Hopefully that brings some  relief!

It annoys me...because last year when I was taking this prescription  (along with another temporary prescription med...which I may default to trying also). And my weight popped up.  Grrrr.  At least I know that when I stop that my weight SHOULD drop again...if history stands true.

So I’m frustrated!  I am really frustrated with the slow healing.  And I am extremely annoyed with the interruption of the new habits I was setting for myself!  Yes, I know it’s only been a few days, but I want to see progress with my back and while it’s not exactly getting worse, it’s definitely NOT getting better.

(Not a picture of me...but still funny because that’s what I surely looked like....and it was definitely the same words that I mumbled to Jason shortly after the accident)

A bit of an accident

Oh. My. Word.  How in the world?  I feel like a nincompoop!  

I had a bit of a bicycle accident.  Just a wee accident.

We opted to ride on the canal...most of the mountain bike trails were closed due to the rainy days preceding our ride.  The ride was great!   We saw neat things, I felt great!

I felt so good that when we made it back to the car after an hour and a half of riding we weren’t done.  So we decided to go another 3-4 miles down the canal in the opposite direction.   We reached our turn around point and we decided to ride through the picnic area.   We headed down a hill and it was great!   Until my hat flew off my head.  (Yes, I said hat and not helmet..it was an easy gentle ride on a graded flat surface, I never wear a helmet on the canal!). But, when my hat flew off my head, I jerked and lost control of the bike on a small patch of gravel. At the same time, we assume that I grabbed my left brake...front wheel brakes and locked them up....which caused me to go over the handlebars.   I remember hitting and watching my glasses bend and scrap across my face as I landed. 

You see, I flew and fell face first.  Yes.  Face first.   My bottom lip rolled back as I came to a heaping halt....filling my mouth with dirt and mud and causing lacerations and brush burns inside my mouth.  That was the first thing I noticed as soon as Jason got me untangled from my bike.  

I was shaken up.  Really bad.  Dirt covered my face.  

Why yes, as any true blogger would, I took a picture within a few minutes. I did wait until we got the blood to clot and basically stop but I snapped the pic before we cleaned my face up.  It was obvious that my eye and cheek were swelling mere moments after the accident. 

I eventually got myself up...and back onto the bike.  Why yes, I rode the 3-4 miles back to the car.  Slowly...and crying from the pain in my shoulder/chest/back the whole way.  Not sobbing just silent tears of pain.

So injuries?  

***Cut on my eye and a black eye.

***fat lip and cuts inside my mouth (thankfully my teeth remained intact with no breaks or issues)

***my right arm has a road rash (brush burn)

***bruises all up and down my right hip and leg

***minor brush burns and bruises on various parts of my body.

*** ‘something’ is wrong with my upper right quadrant’. It could be a broken/cracked rib.  It could be a pulled muscle.  It hurts to move in certain ways.  It hurts to bend over.  It hurts to cough....laugh...sneeze.   I am leaning toward a pulled muscle.  I did opt to not go to the ER.  A cracked rib or pulled muscle would just result in an official diagnosis and a bottle of pills  (which I wouldn’t take anyway).   The risks of going into an ER in the middle of a pandemic outweighed the benefits of a true diagnosis! We are watching carefully my heart rate  (which has regulated back to normal after the first 24 hours but boy was it high for quite a few hours) and my breathing (which is fine).  If anything changes I will be at the urgent care quicker than anything!  

I’m healing....slowly...the worst is the pain from the ribs/muscle/whatever.  It is debilitating.  I can’t even dress myself without gasping in pain.  Yes, Jason is dressing me.  Hahaha

The bike injuries?

*** I mangled up my grips.  I will be replacing them as soon as I can!!!  Jason has to put my chain back in place before I ride it...but she seemed to ride ok.

I’m banged up good...but I’ll be ok.   I will never again ride without my helmet.  I still would have gone down.  I would still be bruised and battered and have a fat lip.    I probably wouldn’t have a black eye though!   I also wouldn’t have come close to having some kind of major head injury.    So wear your helmets please!!!!

My downfall

This has been a week of soul searching for me. Deep soul searching.  It has led me to one question.   What is wrong with me?

You may be wondering why I ask this question.  It is born from the fact that I have a pattern.  I immerse myself in a project, hobby or task.  I am all about this task.  But then I ‘lose interest’, grow weary or whatever you want to call it and I leave that hobby in the dust.   Many times, I do circle back around to it eventually, but only for a short period of time.  This leaves me as a Jack of all trades, master of none.  It also leaves me with multiple ideas and projects that are in a semi state of upheaval and half finished projects.

You think I’m jesting?   Let’s see, just in hobbies I have immersed myself in scrapbooking and paper crafts, crochet, quilting, and scrubbie making, just to name a few.  The jack of all trades approach has served me well as I fell into the hobby of miniatures though.  I dabble in all sorts of those hobbies as I complete projects for my dollhouses.

But let’s go further......

  I fell headlong into photography.  I played with my cameras.  I learned. I even earned money with some photographic shoots.  Yet I never became a spectacular photographer to really master the hobby.

I was going to be a writer.  And while I have one self published book , I never marketed it.  Furthermore,  I sit on an unfinished book that is 3/4 of the way written.   I started this book years ago!

YouTube.  Yes, been there done that! (Doing that actually). I have a channel for my weight loss and fitness attempts in conjunction with this channel  I actually really enjoy my channel.  And I have a fair amount of followers.  But I occasionally grow weary of the time it takes to maintain the channel.  

I stumbled upon a video today about an Etsy shop and my mind immediately said ‘that sounds fun’. Maybe I should do that!   I have also dabbled with starting a YouTube channel for my dollhouse and building projects.  (Oh and let’s not forget that I already have a blog for my dollhouse...)

What is wrong with me?   Why can I not settle into one or two ideas and really flesh those ideas out and do them really well?  Why must I jump from idea to idea and never really master anything?  It is frustrating sometimes.

And that brings me to my deep thoughts for the week.  I have picked up some books at the library on my kindle and realized how much I have missed reading.  But when can I find time to read???   I already struggle to get my YouTube videos out...I already struggle to find time to do work on my dollhouses.  Something has to give. So, what do I want to do with my YouTube channel.  It takes time...a lot of time to create and edit and watch videos that are posted by my followers.  Just like it takes time for this blog and my readers here.  I have been failing miserably at following anyone of late...anywhere.  I just don’t have enough time for everything when I add in work and life responsibilities.

I fear that if I give up YouTube that I will regret it.  But it is so time consuming.  So what to do???   I am toying with creating videos when I want just to chronicle my life...not as much weight loss. Just memories!  But I question that decision (which is why I haven’t committed to anything yet).  I do know one thing for certain.  Giving up this blog is not an option.  I realized that really early on in my deep pondering.  I have never not wanted to write here. I have gone through stages where I don’t write as often.  I have gone through periods when I don’t know how I will fit it into my life, but I always wanted to continue and always held the interest.  

Life is crazy and I need to find the balance I crave.  I wish I knew why I jump from project to project and always seem to have a ‘great idea’ floating around in my head.  Or more importantly I wish I knew why I became bored with the implementation of these ideas and dreams.   In the meantime, I will continue to ponder and think of options....and most likely dream up new ideas!

 

As a side note, I just found a challenge set by lessofme108days. And this challenge was made for me.  So I am happy to join in!!!!  The guidelines she has set for herself, that I am shamelessly going to follow?  

1. Stick to between 1,200 and 1,400 calories a day
2. A minimum of 7,000 steps per day
3. Lose 10 pounds by May 31
4. Post progress on my blog

The only change I may make?  The steps.  I am going to try for the 7k steps but my goal will remain the 5k that I currently have!!!

Expect some reports coming your way!!!!

Weight watchers vs Calorie Counting

So this past week I started the great debate in my mind.  Which is better?  Calorie counting or Weight watchers points counting?    How to decide what method to follow????

I started my weight loss journey years ago with some rudimentary calorie counting.  I started with good old pen and paper and a calorie book.  But then I started to use a website, I  believe the website that I used was fitday.com.  Eventually I switched over to Weight Watchers and I had great success with the plan.  I even made lifetime.  But at some point I had issues......I know that some of the issues that I had were in my own head , my attitude and behaviors.  BUT, I also know that when they changed the plan and added so many additional free foods (fruits for one) that I struggled.  I worked the system, even before they added so many free foods.  And it worked for me when the free foods were limited.. Yes, I ate green beans (free) and Sourkraut (also free) and a Wasa cracker (the one I got was free points) EVERY. DAY. FOR. LUNCH.  I ate green beans and sourkraut so much in the year or so it took me to lose my weight that I didn't eat those things for a few years afterward.  But the free foods were limited and so I was limited and restricted.....which for a food addict is a good thing!

When weight watchers stopped working, I started counting calories using myfitnesspal.com.  This works too.  Recently though I had figured out that my body is whacky!  I only lose when my calories are down at about 1200 to 1400 calories.   If I hover around 1400-1600 calories I maintain and anything over that I gain.  I know...I know....this is not typical.  By the numbers I should be losing at 1500 calories...but I can't help it!  It is what it is!

But a month or two ago I decided to rejoin weight watchers.  And I had success for the first few weeks but then it just became a constant struggle.  I want to know why??

So about a week ago, I decided to double track.  I did that for most days this past week.  And I remembered a few things and learned a few things.  Number one....I love the fruit and all of those 'FREE" fruits still do add up in calories.  Number two......my daily points, without my weekly points usually take me right to the 1500 calorie mark.   I have already ascertained that I don't lose at that caloric level!  So maybe it is no wonder that I am not losing.  Those first few weeks on weight watchers, i was gung ho and I ate below my points goal each day......so I was most likely eating down around 1200 calories!  Then when I am 'spot on' and expecting a loss because of being spot on with my points I am really sitting at 1500 calories...which is maintain zone for me.  And Heavens...those weeks when I drill into my weekly points (which I could never eat many of my weekly points....or activity points even way back when I was losing the weight the first time)  I am up in my gain zone!

It all makes sense for me!   So that leaves me with the question........weight watchers points or calorie tracking ?    I haven't decided yet.   They both have certain aspects that I like.  I know that double tracking is just to unwieldy and time consuming. But I just hate to make that decision!   Hmmmm...maybe I will just push off that decision for another week..or two!

Weekly Weigh in

I had a good week.  It was full of revelations and thoughts about where I am and what I am doing in this journey.  I had some victories. I had a failure, well maybe not exactly a failure, but not exactly a victory.   But instead of me beating around the bush and hinting at my weight loss efforts for the week, lets just get right to it!

We got a nice hike in at the beginning of this weigh in week.  It was a fun little hike. 

 It had everything to make it spectacular. It had, pretty scenery, some lessons in the types of trees along the trail via the little markers that dotted the edge of the trail and time spent with Jason!  What could go wrong!  Uhhh, maybe my stumble and fall!  Yes, i fell.....AGAIN!  Why must I be such a clutz?   my right arm was bruised and ached for days, but I was ok.  My gopro took a direct hit, but seems to be doing ok also, even though it is also bruised and dinged up!

Work from home continues to be a joy.  Yes, I am thoroughly enjoying the work from home opportunity that I have been afforded during this time of upheaval in our world.  My cat makes it a bit difficult sometimes for me to work.....and seriously, uncomfortable and awkward at times

Ok, she doesn't always try to clean her behind at my desk...while I'm working. Sometimes she just likes to nap between myself and the keyboards and monitors.

My eating has settled down some.  I have been much more conscious and cognizant of my lunchtime eating and have been starting to get that under control.  I have been doing an intermittent fasting and not eating breakfast.  It is a blessing to not have to worry about that extra opportunity to eat and lose control, but I do find myself hungrier at lunch when I do break that fast, so it makes that a bit trickier to navigate.   But I'm going to figure this out!.

I am still working on the "it's only a day" method of looking at food that I talked about in a post from last week.  It really does work for me for the most part.  

My weight.  GRRRRR   I didn't lose.....I actually gained a bit.  I am just kind of maintaining ...about 5-6 pounds up from my most recent lowest weight.  I'm super happy that the gain-fest is over and that I seem to be maintaining  But I want this weight gone, NOW!  

I am ready for this isolation and quarantine to be lifted.  I enjoy being at home.  I enjoy the time with Jason, as always.  But I am tired of the restrictions of what we can do and where we can go.  Ohhh to go into an antique store and just browse.  How fabulous does that sound about now????   A walk through the mall on a rainy day??   WHy yes please!      Ahhhhh, the things we used to take for granted!

So life continues on.  I am still here and working my weight loss efforts.  I know that I can beat this!  Baby steps and small improvements on attitude  and habits each and every day is what will get me there!!!   I will win this!!!!

Just one day

This struggle to get my eating under control is quite real!!!!   

How is it that I seem to have lost all willpower to control my eating?  But I have!

After my non scale victory and the success in stopping the weight gain, I made a pact with myself.  

Just one day at a time.   I am not promising to eat right for a month or even a week.  I am just trying to do it one day at a time.   I can give up cake for one day.  One little itty bitty day!  Sure I can do that!  What’s one day!

The trick is to remember to make that vow each and every morning!!!!!   When I do....success comes my way!!!

Weigh in....or not

How did I fail to write my weekly weigh in blog and get it posted when I needed it to be posted?   Apparently I forgot Friday’s post also!  But no fears, I have some stuff floating around in my head for the post that I didn’t write...it will get out here eventually!!!

Let me not beat around the bush.  I maintained last week!   I didn’t lose.  But even more importantly, I didn’t gain!  That maintain is HUGE!   Why? I have been on a gaining spiral since our world went topsy turvy!    So stopping that bad spiral is a huge victory!!!

Even more?  I had a huge non scale victory!  You see, we took our first mountain bike ride!  And while I didn’t actually ‘nail it’, I didn’t die!   I also didn’t cry! And yes I have cried on the trail on more than one occasion!  I also did not have to stop on any incline!  I pedaled my way through the trails that we hit without letting up!  Sure, I was slow....but I did it!

We even got in a hike and a lot of walks throughout the week!

A victory like that bike ride was and is huge for me!  I needed to see a little success!  I needed something in this weight loss journey to be positive.   I won’t say it was the kick in the butt that I needed, but it was much needed to take away that huge feeling of failure that I had been dealing with!

So that is where I am at.  I’m still struggling a bit with my eating.  But I’m still here and not giving up.  I have my good moments and I have my bad moments...food is just my addiction and it’s...well it’s hard!   But I’m working on it!  That in itself is a victory!!!

Depression Cake

We are in a crazy time in our world.  So  many people are struggling financially as thy wait for assistance.  The grocery stores are picked over and some items are non existent. Our country (and the world) has gone through hard times before and I know that we can make it through this with our heads held high.  But as we struggle, sometimes it is good to look at history for advice and ideas.

A week or two ago I saw a recipe on facebook for Depression cake.  This cake recipe was developed during the great depression.  It was developed at a time when it was difficult to find items.  Butter and Eggs were a luxury and therefore baking a cake for a celebration or a simple treat was extremely difficult.  But through the ingenuity of our ancestors, they came up with a recipe for Chocolate cake.  And on my, does it ever taste good.  It has no eggs and no butter!  It is simple to make and well..I already said, it's delicious!  So let me share this with you!

Depression Cake

Ingredients:
1 1/2 cup flour
1 cup Sugar
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla
1 tps vinegar
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1 cup water.

Directions:
1. Spray a 13x9 baking sheet with a non stick cooking spray
2.  To the baking pan, add the flour, sugar, cocoa, baking powder and salt.  Whisk together.
3.  Make three small wells in the flour mixture two small and one large.  In the first well pour the vanilla in the second well, pour the vinegar and in the third (and larger well) pour the vegetable oil. 
4. To the pan add 1 cup of water.   Stir until well combined.  Spread batter evenly in the pan
5.  Bake at 350 degrees for 25-30 minutes or until done. (Insert a toothpick or knife in the center of the cake,when it comes out clean the cake is done.)
6.  Eat without icing or use your favorite frosting recipe to enhance this delicious cake.  One easy and economical way to add a topping is to take a bag of chocolate chips and pour over the cake immediately upon removing it from the oven. Spread the melted chocolate evenly and allow to cool.


I told you it was easy didn't I?  I made this a week ago and Jason asked me last night if I can back another one for him to snack on this week.  So that is a WONDERFUL testament to how good this cake tastes!   Happy Baking....enjoy!

Weigh In time: Groundhog Day

I feel as if I am stuck in the movie Groundhog Day.  I keep repeating myself....week after week.  It is the same thing and I can't seem to break from the cycle!

I gained....I have a plan....I'm going to crush this upcoming week..  I gained....I have a plan...I am going to crush this upcoming week.  Over and over and over.  It's embarrassing. It's frightening.  It's disappointing.  It is my life.

I actually started out this weight loss week really strong.  We hiked....twice.  We biked.....once.  My legs were wiped out!  I was tickled with the start to my week.

But my eating, while it wasn't horrible, wasn't perfect and the scales showed a pretty significant gain.  What?  I tracked my food and definitely don't feel as if I deserve a gain!   It is frustrating!

So I am regrouping... AGAIN.   I am looking at different options.  And I am trying again!   Perseverance will with this battle right?  I am going to revisit intermittent fasting.  I am going to be sitting tight on breakfast and not eating until about noon.  I am hoping that it gives me a bit of a kick start to losing weight again.   I am also hoping that 'freeing up' those calories/points that I have been eating in the morning gives me the leeway that I need during my lunches, which are MUCH harder to navigate now that I am working from home. 

Like I said..I've got this.  I WILL find the magic formula for my body and my current lifestyle in these crazy times!  A weight loss journey is a struggle.  It requires patience, constant change and adjustments and perseverance.  I'm still on track....just taking a minor detour!!!!

Better Late ....... Monthly Review

Ok ok ok, I know!  It is already April 8th and I am just getting to my monthly review for the month of March!  What in the world happened?  Where did time go?  Ohhhh....maybe I was stuck in the throes of my pity party and panic when the new month rolled around!  Yeah, that's it!

Regardless....the month of March ended and that means it deserves the monthly review....So here we go!


1.       Track Every bite  This was spot on at the beginning of the month but by the end of the month when I was sinking into my state of panic, this became much more hit or miss.  This is absolutely the easiest goal to reach and yet I failed!  
2.       Build my Savings  With everything going on, this did not happen.....nor will it be happening for the unforseeable future.  We are currently a one income family and that is already stretching us to the limit (and possibly beyond the limit depending on how much unemployment comes our way).
3.       Weigh less at the end of the month  (who cares how much as long as it is less!) SKIP this one please......ok ok ok, I didn't lose...in fact I gained about three pounds.  FAILLURE
4.       Be active at least 20 minutes four times a week! WIN WIN WIN!  I did this one!!!!!!!   
5.       Keep my eating in check at least 6 days of the week (Allowing one cheat meal) and never never never go over my limit in weekly points in a week!  (And currently I am not swapping and using my fit points!) Failure alert!  This did NOT happen.  At the beginning of the month I was barely keeping it together and by the end of the month I was way off the rails!
 6.       Average 5,000 steps a day!  (While this is still an average, I will be looking more closely at my  daily totals  to try to avoid the hikes carrying the rest of my slacker days!  This one is another win!  WOOHOOO!  All of those lunchtime walks (beginning of the month) and my sporadic runs at lunch (end of month) coupled with the weekend hikes made this EASY!

I'm not proud of the month of March.  Not proud at all.  But I can look at it as a lesson learned.  That is exactly how I plan on moving forward.....the past is a lesson learned and those lessons are going to make me stronger and better!!!!!!  SO what is happening for this upcoming month?  What are my goals/??  Almost exactly the same....with the exception of the savings. That one is on hold!

1.       Track Every bite 
2.       Build my Savings----- This one is on hold until life returns to normal
3.       Weigh less at the end of the month  (who cares how much as long as it is less!)
4.       Be active at least 20 minutes four times a week!
5.       Keep my eating in check at least 6 days of the week (Allowing one cheat meal) and never never never go over my limit in weekly points in a week!  (And currently I am not swapping and using my fit points!)
 6.       Average 5,000 steps a day!  (While this is still an average, I will be looking more closely at my  daily totals  to try to avoid the hikes carrying the rest of my slacker days!

So there you have it.  I am moving forward with a plan in place.  I am moving forward with a motivation in my veins.   I am moving forward with excitement to see what in the world I can do to better myself this month!

Crazy times

These are some crazy times we are living in.  Life has gone absolutely nuts!  I have seen things in the last month that I would have never dreamed of.  We are living in an unprecedented times. 

 I never thought that I would have to wait in a line to go to a grocery store.  Yet I have.

  I am used to seeing toilet paper, water and bread being picked over when there is a threat of a snow storm. But to see some of these aisles barren for an extended period is shocking.  (This picture were taken this weekend  about a month after this craziness started).

I never thought I would witness the incredible numbers of people applying for unemployment.  Yet it is happening and continues to happen more and more every day. 

I allowed myself to sink into a fit of despair last week.  I talked about it in this post.  And I have admittedly struggled with the worries.  I have allowed myself to be worried about finding food (when the craziness started simple staples were in short supply). I have allowed myself drown in financial worries.  I have even worried about the security of my job through all of this.  Luckily I'm working from home....and for a rather large company so for the most part I feel secure.  But it is so difficult to not by into the panic.

But the other day I realized that I was worrying about things that I have no control over.  I have no control over being a one paycheck household for the time being.  Worrying about when unemployment will come through is not productive.  It will kick in when it kicks in.  It will be in the amount that it is going to be.....regardless of my worries.  I can take precautions to be as safe and cautious about my safety....but honestly, other than that, if I get sick, I get sick.  I can lower the odds, but I can't remove the risk entirely!  I can worry about my family....but is worry going to change anything???

I know...it's harder said than done.  It's hard to stop the anxiety and worry.  But I'm trying.  I'm trying to keep myself busy. I'm trying to focus on what I CAN control.  I am trying to focus on making me the best me possible. 

Luckily, that still includes hiking. (that has not been temporarily taken away from us..YET.  So we are enjoying it while we can.

It means that I am focusing on my hobbies. I am taking time to work on my dollhouses.  I am taking time to do something that is relaxing and comforting to me.

And lastly, it means that I am not wallowing in self pity and instead I am taking control of my diet and exercise.  In the day or two before I started to work from home I had this vague dream
of using this time to really lose weight.  The goal was to step out of my exile in my home weighing significantly less.  I failed miserably during the first two weeks of my work from home stint.  But I am determined to turn that around. 

Now is the time.  I had had my eyes opened.  Now it's time to enact on what I can clearly see!  And I can clearly see the changes that need to be made in my life!  I've got this.

Weekly Weigh in Time: Areas of Improvment

Another week has passed in this weight loss journey.  And boy was it a rough one!  It had a whole lot that life could throw at me.   And it wasn't one I would like to repeat.....but in fairness, it could have been a WHOLE lot worse!  So let's get to it!

We had a really unconventional hike over the weekend to start off our week.  It had been rainy and everything was a soppy mess, but we still wanted to get outside.  So we did.  We went to the graveyard and we walked a bit.    It was good to get out and to breathe some fresh air.

The work week started and I FINALLY got Mertz to settle down....for the most part!  It has been absolutely crazy to get her to settle down..  She sees me home and working and she just wants all sorts of love and wants to be close to me.  If you don't have a clue what I'm talking about......here it is.....proof. It's a really short video..but makes me laugh every time I watch it.

So apparently Mertz did not like the placement of the chair that I had there for her.  She also apparently wanted a nice soft towel on  the chair.  For the most part she now stays on her chair alternating her time between staring out the window and sleeping. However, there are moments where she wants to be near me...but a few moments here and there are manageable.

For the good....I did manage to get in 2 runs on my lunch break.   But the bad?  I wimped out the other days.

My eating....hit or miss.  Some days it was sheer carnage in the kitchen at lunch.  But then other days I was spot on.  

Emotionally I was a wreck.  Now in fairness, some of that could be the normal hormonal issues.  But I know that a lot of it is the stress and worries over the current state of things.  So yes, I stress ate.

I also did not track my food as religiously as I normally do...I missed a few days.   I also have slipped up with my water consumption..  YIKES!

So that said....I DID gain weight.  2.2 pounds  I'm not happy at all.   But I am happy that I am still within the 2-3 pound range that I consider normal fluctuation. 

So moving forward. I have identified my areas of improvement.  They include the simple things like more religiously tracking my food and being super focused on drinking my water.  But I think the biggest area for improvement is the fact that I am determined to not let the stress and worry make me react in the way that I have been reacting.  I can't take the stress away.  But I can sit back and tell myself that sitting and worrying is NOT going to change things.  It is NOT going to make anything better and will in fact make things worse. (seriously, I had chest pains all week long)  Stopping anxiety isn't easy.  But I am trying.