Fear

I am reading the book Becoming Fearless: My ongoing Journey of Learning to Trust God by Michelle Aguilar.   Michelle was the season six winner of the TV show The Biggest Loser.   For the simple fact that I watched Michelle as she went through the show it is interesting.  It is also interesting to get an inside glimpse to the TV show that so many of us watch.   I picked it up for those reasons mainly. (Well and it was offered as a freebie on Amazon for my Kindle.)  But even more so it's interesting because I also find myself mired in fear.

Michelle writes about how one of her fears was letting the world see that she was not perfect.  The fishbowl living that comes with living as a preachers child apparently leaves certain scars deep within.  (Michelle spent many of her formative years living in a family who was deep in Christian Ministry).   Scars is too harsh of a word.  For me it left me with a fear of disappointing those around me when it comes out that I'm not the outwardly perfect person. You see, I was the 'good girl' that didn't rebel and become one of  "THOSE bad preachers kids."  I wasn't an angel by any means, I was a child.  But I it wasn't a rebellion by any means.  I kept the 'perfect child/teenager' show up for the fishbowl life that I lived in.   I still live with that.  The party I as at this past weekend?  I was proud of myself because I drank water and ate only one chocolate covered strawberry.  I chose to not partake due to my focus on my weight, not for any other reason. (I drink...I'll freely admit it.) However, when they were taking pictures of lines of empty bottles and posting it on facebook I was tagged, since I was present.  My first thought was "oh no, people are going to see that and I'm going to be in a hailstorm of negativity."   My perfect "good girl persona" was being tested because it looked like I was drinking...heavily.  Fear clenched within me, because my 'cover was blown'.   I live in fear about being transparent. Maybe it's time to face it...... So here goes......my marriage is in trouble...big trouble.  We also made some bad financial decisions  and we are struggling financially.  I'm not perfect.....life is tough.  I have problems in my life.  I know that these problems contribute to my weight problems because it is exhausting and overwhelming to smile when your heart is breaking.  It is disabling to act like nothing is wrong when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and forget.

 I'm not perfect.  I'm tired of pretending that life is one happy party. (although this blog has been one place where I had already opened up)   It's only hurting me....

The thought of the fear though.  It makes me begin to wonder if I'm afraid of losing weight.  Does fear keep working as a sabotaging tool for me?  I have been overweight for three quarters of my life.  It's what I know.  I loved how I felt when I lost weight, but the world was so new and different.  Fear of the unknown...it's a terrible thing. Is fear keeping me from really changing within.

My only thought about this is to accept that there will be change.  There is unknown.  I am going to face it head on.  Last year I traveled by myself for the first time EVER.  Fear gnawed at me.  I knew it was a stupid fear so I ignored it and carried on.  Of course I was fine.....I had known it would be, even as I was wracked with fear.  That is how I plan on carrying forward.  I'm going to acknowledge that I have fear in my life.  But I'm going to also acknowledge that most of my fears are unfounded and carry forward.  Fake it till I make it!

Doing battle with my mind

My  mind plays tricks on me.  Yesterday morning I carefully figured out the calories on my favorite food at Southwest Moe's Grill. I ALWAYS order the regular size.  However, on the restaurants website  I saw that the regular size was roughly 750-800 calories and the junior size was 468.  Hmmm, that's a huge difference!   468 was doable.  So I planned to eat the junior size.  However, I got to the restaurant and my mom pulled out a buy one get one free coupon.  She and my dad were splitting a regular sized burrito, the free one was for me.  My burrito was going to be free!   Financially speaking, it made sense for me to get the regular sized burrito.  Seriously!  It makes sense right?  I got up to where you place your order.  I said "I want the Art Vandalay."
That part of my order was never in question.  The size issue is what was roaring through my brain!
  I looked at the guy and I wanted to stop right then and there and get the regular sized burrito.  It was free!  Yummy vegetarian burrito...FREE!   But then I finished my order......."Junior".   I know we have faced a fiscal cliff and that I just wasted the opportunity to get MORE free food than I already did.  I can tell myself that I would only eat half of it. I could seriously eat half of it and put the rest aside for dinner.  What a GRAND PLAN!  However, I know that I would fail miserably at that plan. I knew that if the food was in front of me that I would   Therefore, I summoned all of my will power and I added the word junior onto my order.  You know what?  I was still quite full and satisfied after a junior burrito!  This journey is only partly about my stomach ....it REALLY is a mental game!  (ohh and I carted my big water jug into Moe's with me, no asparatame laden diet soda or crystal light for me.  WATER baby!!!!)

I joined a weight loss group on line and then was drafted into another.  One weight loss group weighs in on Sundays. The other one is Monday.  OK, not a problem.  I can weigh myself both days.  This is easy.  it will keep me on target on Saturday since I have a weigh in on Sunday.  It will also keep me on target on Sunday since I have to face the music on Monday also.  How perfect is that?  I had taken a sneak peak at the scales midway through last week.  My weight was down.  I was ecstatic.  So yesterday I hop on the scales and low and behold I was up. (still down from my previous Sunday weight).  Uhhh really?   I ate RIGHT!  I ignored the wine!  I ignored the beer!  I ignored the snacks!  I drank water and only ate one chocolate covered strawberry at a party for goodness sake!  And I gained?  WTF? (for the sake of honesty and integrity, I will admit it was less than a half pound up from where I was at my sneak peak..but still)  I stepped off the scale.  I wanted to scream!  Why?  I did it right and the scales didn't reflect my efforts.  I gathered my emotions and reminded myself that the scales are a fickle thing.  I didn't let the number on the scale deter me from my mission.  I watched my food intake.  At the end of the day I even had enough for a half cup of ice cream (of course individually packaged by me, in my freezer for ease of consumption without the temptation).  This morning I was nervous as I stepped on the scales.  I had weighed up a bit yesterday and I had that ice cream late at night, but it was all accounted for.  I ate RIGHT even though the disappointment with the scales in the morning made me want to run screaming and crying to the nearest bucket of food.  I stepped on.   And Low and behold I was down a pound from my sneak peak weight!  I lost 3 pounds this past week!   The scales do not always tell the true story.  Yesterday, I KNEW that, and I held firm and waited until the scales actually correctly showed my efforts!

Transamerican virtual walk is going well.  I'm 45.2 miles in.....I'm heading towards Glendale, VA!

The true meaning

Ended up being in a party like atmosphere last night.  I was worried because I knew there was going to be wine and food.  I took a bottle of water.  It was hard because peer pressure really pushes you to drink and eat.  I however didn't have the calories and didn't think that indulging was something I wanted to do.  I was there for the socialization not the food and that's what I told myself throughout the evening while I drank my water.  I DID have a chocolate covered strawberry.  But that was the extent of my eating and drinking.   Do I feel as if I missed anything?   Absolutely not.  Alcohol has never had a hold over me so that was not in any way missed.   Food....you know what?  I didn't miss it.  :-)

We focus much on food that we miss the whole point of many situations that we are in.  I could have focused so much on the food.  And some of the people did.  We stood around the buffet table for heavens sake!   However, the focus of the time last night was NOT food in my book.  It was support and friendship.  We lose sight of the TRUE meaning of things.   Food is fuel to help our bodies work efficiently.....nothing more.  (maybe if I say that enough times I'll start to believe.)

I am going up to spend the day with my family today.  Typically Sunday is the 'kids day' to chose where they are going to lunch.  My brother (I do have the best brother) helped the situation and steered toady's decision toward Moe's....which the kids love...and it's a favorite of mine too.  SOOOOO this morning I have already put my burrito and chips into my calorie counter and I'm set to go.   I've got to get some exercise today though.   I missed yesterday.....another small implosion in my world sucked up the time and disallowed me from exercise.  (Dang curve balls)   I won't miss today though!

curveballs

I was able to navigate the potluck yesterday.  It was difficult.  I wanted to eat eat eat.  I slipped up and ate three crackers with some spreadable cheese before I realized what I was doing.  I immediately went to my computer and logged the addition into myfitnesspal.  I had to make an adjustment to my dinner, but it worked out perfectly.   I've got this! I HAD it so well that later in the evening I looked at my calorie count and realized that I had enough calories to indulge in my super yummy cookies.  I had ONE cookie.  I nibbled that cookie and savored every nibble.  This is what it is all about!  SHAZAM!

Life continues to throw me curveballs.  But I refuse to allow these curveballs to derail me from my weight loss efforts!!!  They are coming at me and I'm ducking out of the way!  I am in control of only one thing in my life...and that is my weight loss efforts.  The curveballs will continue to fly around me I'm sure.  But I'm not going to let them win.  This is about so much more than my weight.  This is about who I am.  Am I a quitter?  Am I someone that doesn't value myself enough to take care of me?   NO, this journey that I"m on is too important.  It is not just about  my phsyical health....it is about my mental health!   SHAZAM! 

Think Thin!

Water boarding

Chinese Water Torture doesn't have a chance against the workout that I just found for myself.  Water-boarding, that's for sissies in comparison to this workout!   This workout is pure torture.  Absolute!  Let me tell you how this torture came about.  I sit at work.  I have a lot of down time.  I had read a story awhile back, (sorry, can't remember where) about a gal who took one break at work, changed into workout clothes and tennis shoes and climbed up and down the steps of the building where she worked.  I thought about how cool that was. But even more so I thought about what an awesome way to get a quick 15 minutes of activity in.  After all, 15 minutes is better than nothing in the middle of a day where I'm just sitting around on my keister.  I talked about it at work.  I decided that I could break my lunch down (we only get a half hour paid lunch, no other breaks per say......haa haa haa, if you know me you are probably saying she needs a break from what? sitting at her desk and reading or working on a cross stitch project between customers!  haa haa haa).  Anyway, I digress. I had originally decided that I could break down that half hour.  15 minutes for eating and 15 minutes for stair climbing.  I had the best intentions.  Really I did.  But I kept 'forgetting' about my plan.  I forgot to bring my tennis shoes.  I didn't want to get all hot.  I didn't want to rush my lunch.  What if I got back and was panting like a dog and a customer needed my attention?    Excuses excuses excuses.  And then it hit me.  The last two hours I'm here, I rarely do anything.  I get no customers...and I'm only here to be the second person and as a supervisory override for the person that is doing the work and occasionally back them up if they get more than one thing at once or if they have to run to the bathroom. (yeah, my job is a piece of cake.).  I devised a plan that if I left the one door open, that worker could easily call out and I'd be able to be there in a jiffy.  That way I could do my stair climb thing after that time when I wouldn't have to worry as much about scarfing down my lunch and  being all hot and having a customer come up to me while I'm panting from exertion!  So yesterday  I threw my tennis shoes into my bag.  The hour rolled around when my time to do the steps was upon me.  I won't lie and say I didn't think about making an excuse.  I did.  But I totally ignored it!  But then I just said no wayI'm doing this!!  And I put on my tennis shoes.  I started strong. I was counting my flights,  but around 15 trips up and down I lost track.   We are only in a one story building so it literally is 8 steps up....make the turn on the landing.....8 steps up......swivel on foot on the top landing....8 steps down...make the turn on the landing....8 steps down.....swivel on foot and back up.  16 steps up...16 steps down.   That 15 minutes went by soooo SLOW!   But my heart beat was up.  I was hot.  I was sweaty.  My legs were ON FIRE!!! (look at those pink cheeks....which isn't all that visible in the picture,but even my arms were RED!)   I LOVE IT!  I had grand plans to go 30 minutes...but 15 was quite enough for my first day.  I did learn that I need to leave my cell phone at the bottom (otherwise I checked the time every minute and consequentially moan because only one minute had passed and I was soooo ready to stop). I also need to devise a way to count my flights easily so I can mark my progress!  Today my calves are tight, but I'm not in pain or really hurting.  So upward and onward!(by the way, I'm not mocking water-boarding,  I'm just poking fun at my workout and simply saying how difficult that 15 minutes really was for me)

Today there is a small potluck here at work to celebrate my co-workers birthday. I will be partaking a bit.  But a BIT is the operative word.  I don't have to eat a hogs load of food! I can do this!  I made cookies for the potluck.  Banana-chocolate-peanut butter cookies.  My husband calls these cookies crack, because they are that scrumptious that you just can't stop.  Seriously, how COULD you go wrong with those three things together.  Not exactly healthy, but good none-the-less.  I had ONE cookie last night (and yes, I had the calories set aside for it!).

I've tried the deprivation routine with my lifestyle.  Saying "MaryFran, you are not allowed to have any cookies..."  (insert voice over of Adam Sandler in the movie Waterboy here) "mam, mam mam maamaa says that cookies are the devil!"  That doesn't work any longer.  I want the changes that I'm making to be for the rest of my life.  It's not going to work if I say I will never have another cookie...or another piece of cake....or pizza from the greasy joint that serves the best pizza.  It's unrealistic and just sets me up for failure.    I ate a smidgen of the cookie dough and I ate ONE small cookie.  Yes, I actually said I ate ONE cookie.  The thing is, I didn't eat 6 cookies...or a dozen cookies.....I didn't even eat two cookies.  I ate one cookie.  I gathered my will power and ate my one cookie and then I walked away. 

I am not saying that I can do that everyday.  I'm not saying that cookies (or pizza or cake or any number of foods) are not trigger foods.  They are.  They trigger me to want to eat and eat and eat. However, I know that I have to figure out how to manage to still have these ultra yummy favorite things in my life, in essence how to partake, hear the trigger and stomp the *&^#  out of the trigger.  It's LIFE and I'm losing weight so I can LIVE....and that includes baking cookies for a co-workers  birthdays.  I can't bury my head in a corner and refuse to live.     If I hadn't felt as if I was  feeling strong enough to know that I could resist the temptation, I would not have made them.  This week I made cookies to celebrate life.   I won!  (as a side note, the cookies, half came to work today to be scarfed down by my co-workers and the other half are going with my husband to his work for his clients!)
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Nothing is slowing me down!  I'm stomping on the stress in terms of my weight loss. I am not succumbing to the temptation to eat away my sorrows! 

Paradox

I have said it more than once in the past years.  I have control over one thing in my life...and that is my weight.   If I've said it once, I've said it twice.  I have control over only  me.  Life swirls around me and threatens to tear me to pieces but there is ONE thing that I have ultimate control over and that is my eating, exercise and ultimately my weight!   2013 is the year that I am taking control of that aspect of my life.  I am taking no prisoners.  I am not looking back.  I am doing what I need to do and I am not wavering.  Yesterday I ate exactly what I had planned and thus stayed within my budget. I hit up zumba even though I wanted to sit in a corner and cry my eyes out.   At the end of the day I actually had enough calories for  nice evening snack. (not even including my calories burned during exercise...I had enough BEFORE exercise).   I however did not want it.  Yes, I actually typed that!   I didn't want my planned snack.  I didn't NEED it.  I therefore was 150 calories UNDER budget.  I'm not worried. If I were eating under 1200 calories on a daily basis it would be a real problem.  But dipping below once or twice here and there is not an issue.  (More on that later.)  I am at the top of my game thus far in 2013.....weight wise.


2013 has NOT started out in a stellar fashion.  We've had death.  We've had issues with our business.  And yesterday we actually had a car that heard it's death toll.  We are now officially a one car family for the unforeseeable future.  All of this is demoralizing and rather upsetting.  I'm floored with stress..words can't describe.  HOWEVER, I have NOT given up. I'm rolling along with my weight loss.  I'm not letting these outside factors affect my efforts.  I'm not letting my addiction win.  Ohhh it may win some battles, but I WILL win the war!


What a paradox....2013 on one hand is absolutely horrible but on the other hand it's fabulous!   (it's like I have a split personality or something.  haa haa haa)

I have tried to forge my own path on this weight loss thing.  I lost it all the first time through weight watchers.  I will forever be grateful to weight watchers for getting me past the hump and actually walking me through the journey the first time.  The program, leaders and yes fellow attendees (Hi Sherry!!!) helped me believe in myself to get me to goal.    I have learned lots of tricks and have read about a lot of rules out there.  I take the best of the best I throw out what doesn't make sense to me and I have tried to forge a path that works for me.  However, there is ONE rule that I adhere to without fail.  That rule?   Other than occasional and rare situations, I do not go below that 1200 calorie mark.  Yes, It has been a proven thing that a person should NOT eat less than 1200 calories a day.   Preferably GOOD nutritious calories. Our bodies need a certain amount of calories to exist in a healthy manner.  It is pretty much accepted that 1200 is the low for women.  When a person dips below that number our bodies tend to think they are starving and instead of helping out bodies, our bodies actually go into a starvation mode.  Starvation mode is bad because our bodies store the fat and slows down metabolism.  Storing fat is BAD. (obviously).Slowing the metabolism is bad too! So that is one 'rule' that I do follow almost religiously!   :-)

Rock on and for God's sake....THINK THIN!!!

Fact, Fiction and myth

Even in the midst of this crisis that has me reeling in my personal life, I'm walking with my head up.  I'm walking with more 'swagger'.  I have lost 4.4 pounds since the new year.  That is fabulous!  But those four pounds have not changed me.  What has changed me is that for the first time in a while, I actually have taken control of myself.  I am not letting my addiction beat me down and take over all decisions in my life. I am taking control of myself.  And it feels GREAT!   My confidence in myself is blossoming!  It's amazing how being in control makes me feel better about myself.   The fact of the matter? The more I can manage this, the more the confidence blossoms.  It's like a  snowballs, it keeps growing!

Todd and I have been saddened.   A long time client at our business has passed away.  He died from obese related illnesses.  The diseases and illnesses started out simply and kept compounding one upon another.  He actually tried to get gastric bypass at one point but his obesity had taken it's toll on his body and he needed to lose a significant amount of weight to try to erase enough of those effects to make him a candidate.  About two years ago, our client was told by his doctors that he HAD to lose weight.  His weight was killing him.  There was nothing they could do to prolong his life.  It was HIS responsibility...no one else could save him.  His close friends held an intervention.  But sadly, he had given up and nothing could change his mind.  He passed late last week  from obesity driven diseases and illnesses that ravished his body. He was close to my age, in his early 40's.      It's sad.  It's also a reminder to me that my excess weight and my bad habits really CAN kill me.  It is not a myth....weight DOES kill!

Yesterday my food was spot on and my hour of zumba was a killer!   I noticed a change in myself during zumba.  I've been going to my class religiously for years.  Last night I was halfway through and I realized that in the last year or so I've only been going through the motions at my classes.  Last night, automatically my body kicked into overdrive and I put my all into it.  I don't want to hex myself, but I think I really have turned the corner and I'm ready to DO IT!

Emotionally, I'm holding it together.   Health wise, I'm rockin' it!  Eating is spot on (even my macaroni on Monday night was not a disaster. It was unplanned and definitely not necessary but in the grand scheme of things it only threw me 100 calories over my low daily goal...1411 calories for the day is still fabulous!).  Exercise is rolling.  I'm focused.  I'm motivated.  Like I said, I'm rockin' it!

Emotions

Yesterday was the first day of this new year that I did nothing active.  I had great intentions.  I packed my workout clothes and took them to work.  Zumba was restarting after the winter break.  WOO HOO.  I was excited.  I wasn't at work for even an hour before my world imploded.  Yes, imploded.  The issues from Friday that seemingly were at rock bottom?   Nope, definitely not rock bottom on Friday.  And I can only hope that yesterday was rock bottom.  Todd and I were texting back and forth when things became cleat to us and it was terribly difficult for me to text Todd and still hold it together for any customers that came up to my desk.  There was no question in my mind.  I immediately sent out an apology to my friend that was going to be at Zumba with me that night and I told Todd that I would be home at 6 versus 8 and that we would sit down and talk openly and clearly and make some kind of plan of attack.  Todd tends to put his head under the sand about this issue, so this was a big step because I was going to force him to take half of the stress and worry from me. (in theory at least).  I struggled all day.....lost it a few times. (usually when I was alone for a few...I would let my guard down and just sob).  I sobbed the whole way home and for the first 20 minutes after being home. It was  complete breakdown.  I was struggling to breathe, it was horrible.  Eventually I calmed down enough to try to attack.  And then Todd and I sat down.  I'm not sure we came to any conclusion.  Things are the same as they were before....but we at least are in it together now and we do have a very vague idea of where we are at and where we are going.

SOOOO, exercise was out the window.  I sat after this was all over and I was relatively calm......I was watching The Biggest Loser and I felt guilty because my exercise bike was staring at me.  But I just couldn't do it.  I was so wiped out from my emotional breakdown.   I just couldn't do it.

Furthermore, my planned dinner didn't work.   There was no way I felt capable of making dinner.  We grabbed subs from a local sub shop.  I did good....subs and some veggie chips.  Where I failed is that I added a bit of macaroni salad that I had purchased for Todd while at the grocery store the other day.  THAT threw me over my calorie count for the day by about 50 calories.    It's not a good thing...but it wasn't a bad thing.  

My emotions today?  Still a bit spotty.  But I'm planning to exercise and I'm planning to eat right!

It rears it's ugly head.

The weekend went well.  I managed to avoid all the pitfalls and temptations that a weekend normally holds.  I was hanging out with my family on Sunday and they went out to eat at fast food (Sunday is usually kids choice).  This struck fear for a moment in my heart.  First because I don't eat at fast food on my own and secondly because "holy cow, what am I going to eat!"   Not to be deterred, I calmly smiled at my family and said "sure".    I decided that I COULD and WOULD do it.  I went and with kids clamoring for my attention I studied the menu board.  I chose a grilled chicken wrap and a small french fry.  I noticed my father (my parents were also there with my brothers family) didn't get french fries....so I dropped half of my fries beside his sandwich and thus ate 1/2 of a small fry and a grilled chicken wrap.  I HAD left a huge chunk of calories for lunch because of the unknown factor so when I finally had a chance to get my phone back (my niece and nephews usually commandeer it to play games) I put in my food intake and low and behold...I did GREAT!   I even had enough calories to have 1/2 cup of ice cream after dinner that evening!   You can 'have your cake and eat it too'...it just takes planning and some minor adjustments.  I didn't order the CRISPY chicken wrap, I didn't order crazy.  I split down my fries.  I made minor adjustments and enjoyed the time with my family.

On Saturday night I made a casserole and we sat down to eat.  I knew what I was doing.  I had it all planned out.  My food was on my plate.  My food was all within my budget and I was OK caloric wise.    I ate what was planned and when I was done I felt a bit stuffed.  Not sick, but seriously full.  It was not a new feeling.  I had felt like that through most of the Christmas week.   I have felt like that a gazillion times.  It is a familiar feeling.  But seriously, after one week of eating in healthy amounts and healthier foods I was shocked at how icky I felt.  Seriously icky!  I do not like that feeling!!!! 

So why did I keep eating.  I had a vague notion inside me while I was eating.  A vague notion that said "maybe you should stop eating".   So why did I ignore that?  I ignored it because the food tasted SOOO good and I wanted to keep eating because it tasted good and filled me with that warm feeling of happiness.  Ohhh hell, that means my addiction beat me momentarily!

I still coun my weekend as a success.  I stayed within my calories.  I did great.  I was watching The Biggest Loser last night and I sooo wanted to go to the kitchen to get something to eat.  I had already eaten my snack of ice cream, and had no spare calories in my budget, at least calories that I wanted to eat.  I did not want to eat any of my earned exercise calories so I kept my butt firmly glued to the couch and ignored the craving and continued to sip on my water.  I navigated fast food.  I navigated a whole weekend and stayed within my caloric count.  VICTORY!   

Happy Birthday January 6

Today is my 6 year birthday for this blog!   6 years seems so young, yet for the life of a blog that is significantly long.  I was going through my google reader the other day.  I pulled up ALL subscriptions versus the normal 'new posts' that normally is displayed.  I was saddened by all the blogs that had not posted since 2008 or 2009.  I can hope and pray that those people had success and with that success no longer had need for a blog.  However, I clearly understand that odds are that they have given up the quest for weight loss.  Whatever the reason, I wish them much happiness.

In the last 6 years I have experienced great successes.  Reaching Onederland was huge!  I think that reaching that milestone was probably even bigger than when I finally made my doctor approved and Weight Watcher accepted (with a doctors note) weight.  If my blog was any indication, this is true as there was no major celebratory post about reaching my goal.  Seriously, I see vague references to it in sentences such as "three weeks to go until I'm considered a lifetime member"  but it just passed without luster or fanfare.  But this blog walked me through those days and I DID it!  I've had moments of sadness, such as the loss of my water jug (bucket) that saw me through the bulk of my weight loss.  I've had incredible successes.  I've passed monumental milestones.  I've worked to heal from scars that were left in my life, such as teaching my teaching experience.  Even with all the success I have encountered, I also regained.   This blog has seen me through a lot in the last 6 years.

The future is upon me......and I'm ready to reach onederland again.  I'm ready to reach goal again and this time I plan on doing it with greater fanfare than the last time. I am going to savor my successes.  I'm going to continue to be honest about my failures.  I'm going to continue to live! I"m going to continue to learn to love myself unconditionally.  I am going to win!!!

 Happy Blog Birthday to me!

PS  Down 2.4 for this week! 

Knowledge is everything

I am feeling so very excited about my weight loss efforts this time.  There is an air of excitement.  There is a feeling of contentment with what I'm doing.  It is an electric current that I can feel vibrating through my body.  I like this feeling.  It is a feeling of being in charge, empowerment.  It feels good.

Yesterday I hit a low point though.  No, not in my weight loss and the good vibrations (cue the beach boys to sing good vibrations...haa haa haa) that I have going.  But in my personal life.  An area of my life reared it's ugly head.  For a short time at work I was choking back my emotions and when I got home those emotions were set free.  Admittedly, some of the emotions could have been caused by the upcoming monthly female ick, but the issues and worries and stress were real.  I sat  at work and I wanted to eat.  I wanted to eat my worries and tears away.  I wanted to forget about the issues that threaten to drown me. I looked back at the cabinet where we have our snacks.  I knew better than to even open the cupboard doors.  Once the door is opened, I'm admitting that I'm going to eat.  It's a lost cause, once the decision is made it's hard to turn it around. I read on someones blog the other day...so sorry because I can't remember where or whom....where they had caved and pulled into a drive through to order fast food. They came to their senses and BACKED OUT OF THE DRIVE THROUGH!  How awesome is that?   That is incredible!   But I digress....I didn't open the cabinet door because I knew that if I did that I didn't have the willpower to 'back out of the drive through'.   But then I noticed the candy sitting on the counter.  We are a small office in a small town.  Our customers are awesome.  They bring us candy, cookies, cakes, donuts, you name it...they have brought it. (We had one customer was ordering pizza and decided to order and extra one for us...seriously we have great customers.)   It's post Christmas...we have candy coming out of the wazoo.  I looked at the candy.  I was so seriously tempted.  I wanted, like I've never wanted before. (OK, maybe that was a bit over dramatic).  I walked over and started fingering the bags of candy.   And then I had a brilliant idea!  Candy always gives calories per serving, which is usually a couple pieces.  So maybe I could 'afford' one piece of something...after all, I did have roughly 25 calories before I was thrown over the edge of my self imposed calorie budget.  I pulled a calculator forward and started figuring out how much each piece of candy would cost.  ONE mint chocolate candy was 28.57 calories.  Seriously?  That little piece of candy?   I kept going.   A piece of peppermint hard candy was just about 17 calories.  One piece?   Seeing the numbers really helped.  Because those tiny pieces of candy were seriously higher than I wanted to spend.  (and honestly, who eats just one piece of candy?)    And then TRUE inspiration struck!   I spent a few minutes near the candy.....and here is the end results......

Why yes, all of the candy DOES have new labels that show exactly how many calories are in one piece.  Why yes, that was my idea!  Why yes, my co-workers are probably going to kill me.  Already one coworker this morning looked at me and said, "Really MaryFran, I do not want to see how many calories are in that piece of candy, it will make me feel guilty!" (she's a size 0 or 2 or some such skinny minny size like that).  My manager was watching me do my labelling system yesterday and she was happy , because she is also trying to watch what she eats.  In fact she is really wanting a piece of the 90 calorie candy, but has since made the decision to hold off until it's a day where she has more 'available' calories to consume.  Are the rest of my coworkers going to lynch me when they return on Monday and see my 'decorations'?   Probably!  Do I care?  Not in the slightest.  You see, after putting the numbers CLEARLY on the candy, I had absolutely NO desire!  there was no way I was eating a piece of chocolate mint the size of a Hershey kiss and blowing almost 29 calories!   Knowledge is everything!

Last night, I was still feeling rather down with the personal issues.  I am proud to say that having my menu for the day totally completed and planned worked well.  I made what was planned for dinner.  I ate what was planned for dinner and when it was over, even though I wanted more. (remember, I like to feed my emotions) I said, "No, I've had enough to fuel my body."  I stayed on my couch and ignored the fat mini me that was on my shoulder telling me that food would make me feel better!  Yesterday was a success, regardless of the emotions pouring through my body. 

I have decided that at least for the time being, I need to plan out my meals a day in advance.  I need to know exactly what the plan is for the next day.  That way when that fat mini me starts screaming at me to eat in order to silence the emotions the bubble up in my life I can look at the 'plan' and keep the course!

21 days

I started researching this morning to find out how long it takes for something to become  habit.   I got some conflicting answers.  27 days, 30-40 repetitions.   The answers were anywhere between 1 month and 3 months.  Each source I checked then followed it up with the disclaimer that went something as follows. "you see, there is no exact answer because everyone is a unique individual..."  The most common consensus via research groups was that it takes 21 days to make something a habit. For the sake of argument, I'm going to say 21 days is the magical number.  21 days eh?   Well, I technically started back on my quest for health the day after Christmas.  But for the sake of ease in calucalting, (and because I didn't kick in full steam ahead until January 1) I'm going to use January 1 for my first day of my habit formulating behavior.  SO I'm 4 days in.  19% of the way there!    I am endeavoring to make tracking my food a habit (and a side note, when I'm tracking I tend to stay within my caloric budget...go figure).  I am also attempting to make exercise a habit in my life rather than something I do as a side note.  My plan for exercise is for most days to yes, do something significant.  But even on the days where I dont' want to, I'm making myself do SOMETHING active.  a 5 minute walk down the road.   A 15 minute ride on the exercise bike.  SOMETHING....ANYTHING!   Because it becomes a habit if you do it 21 times! 

The good thing about this habit thing?   After my 21 days are up, it's now a habit.  What's so good about that you ask?   In theory if it takes 21 days to create a habit, it should take 21 days to erase that new habit and replace it different habit. Therefore the habit I'm creating now will take time to be replaced by my bad decisions.  (in theory) Wow, that confused even me!

My habit

For the last few months I've had a love affair with Crystal light. It started this summer with the Pom-tini flavor.  I was so sad when I learned that Pom-tini was only a seasonal temporary flavor.  However, I quickly discovered that Cherry Pomegranate was just as good.  I took my water to work, but I drank copious amounts of crystal light at home and on the weekends.  I did purchase some small packets of crystal light (the kind that goes into bottles) for work for those days when water just doesn't cut it.   I thought I was doing great.  I was drinking LOTS of liquids.  It was nothing for me to drink a pitcher of crystal light a day, and on weekends when I was home, sometimes two!   Yet, I always woke up dying of thirst (when I drinking enough water I'm not that way) and while there were no signs, I just have felt deeply that the Crystal Light Habit needed to be checked.  Today I decided to look into it.  I always vaguely knew that Crystal light had aspartame, and I always vaguely knew what aspartame does to the body...but here is  nice simple description....it is from the Livestrong Website... 

One of the criticisms of using aspartame-sweetened foods for weight loss is that the sweet taste still tricks the brain into thinking it's hungry. This hypothesis would lead to a triggered effect in the body that would release digestive enzymes and insulin, actually increasing hunger cues and potentially causing a person to eat more. But consistently, past research did not draw this conclusion. Scientists studying this issue saw that consuming aspartame did not increase insulin, increase appetite, or increase eating and drinking more calories overall.

Despite this previous evidence, two new research studies  from the Texas Health Science Center paint a different picture. They showed that the waistlines of people who drank diet soft drinks increased 70 percent more than people who didn't drink diet soda. They saw that people who drank diet drinks had a greater likelihood to be overweight. The blame is placed on the brain triggers instigated by the sweet, calorie-less taste experience. Two other recent brain studies demonstrated this effect, showing that the body does seek out calories after eating no-calorie sweeteners such as aspartame

So while I have a pitcher of Crystal Light in my fridge (and more to make) I will be limiting my intake and focusing on my water.  Oh yeah, Diet soda?   You are also on the way out.  I've gone without many times before and I find that I don't miss you (and actually like going out to eat and saving the couple bucks by ordering a water!).   I know that the first few days will be difficult, but water really is so much more refreshing!  (in fairness, I didn't always think so...but I grew to LOVE it!)  

I am 16.7 miles into my virtual trip cross the united states.  :-)   I'm making use of that exercise bike that is in the living room!  :-)

Goodbye Christmas, See you Next Year

Crazy!  My stomach just growled.  I almost forgot what that was!  I have been eating so much food and keeping myself overly fed for so long that I almost forgot what it feels like to actually have your stomach growl with hunger! 

I am 8.8 miles away from Williamburg, VA on my virtual walk.   We walked 4.06 miles yesterday. Between the few miles on the canal and then walking down to the polar plunge I racked up more miles than I expected (I actually turned OFF my GPS tracker/pedometer while we were at the polar plunge also, so the 30-40 minutes we were standing there did NOT count in my mileage...I was a good honest with myself girl).  Yes, we wisely walked near that area and timed our hike so that when we were done walking we just had to walk a half mile to the site of the plunge and then the half mile back to the car.  It added extra distance to my walk AND made for easy parking! 

The Christmas decorations have been removed from my house and put back into storage. It was time. I will be ready for it's return in late November! After I finished cleaning the house after the removal of all things Christmas, I pulled the exercise bike into the living room from it's previous location in our bedroom. I have been wanting to ride my bike lately, but have thrown up excuse after excuse. "Todd is asleep and that will disrupt his sleep", "I don't like the angle that I would have to view the TV at if I rode in the bedroom." and of course the ever present "I would have to clear off the clothes that somehow end up hanging off the bike." All excuses...and all of those excuses are no more!   Ride I WILL....and by Christmas next year I will be in a different place emotionally and physically!!!!   I can't wait to see where that will be!!!!  The future is BRIGHT!

Out with the Old..........

Yes, Happy New Year!   I am ready to tackle this year.  I am determined to make this year one of true happiness.  The kind of happiness that bubbles up from within ones soul.  I want that happiness.  And how I'm going to work on it this year?  First and foremost, I'm going to tackle my addiction.  I have an addiction to food. I have written about it so many times in the past that I can't even think straight.  I accept the addiction.  I know I will struggle with it forever and that the trick is to learn how to manage my life around this addiction.   My saving grace in my personal battle with this addiction is that I have figured out that I can get 'high' off of the pride that flows through me when I beat down the addiction.  True, the high I get from that burst of flavor on my tongue is a totally different feeling, I can STILL conquer this!

The new year rolled in and I decided to take  the saying "out with the old and in with the new" in a very bold way.   I had been a light  blonde for the last 6-8 months.. 

 But no more of that.....I got my hair cut a few weeks back and yesterday I went RED!  Out with the old, in with the new!   Now I'm just waiting for my husband to notice.  Yup, he wasn't home when i did it.....and didn't say a word when he got home....nor has he this morning!

I've got my food planned out for today and we are heading out in a few minutes to go for a nice walk on the canal and then to go watch the idiots people doing the polar plunge in the Potomac River.  That's always good for a laugh!  

Let the walking begin!!!!  I have to get myself out of Yorktown (which is where the virtual walk starts!!!!)

Plotting and planning

It's New Years Eve and I'm sitting at work for my final four hours of work for the year 2012. New Years is the perfect time to sit and look back at your life.  It's the time to ponder where you are, where you've been and where you want to go.  It's an opportunity that we actually have each and every day, but the new glow of a fresh year sparks the fire within most of us.   I think New Years Resolutions are great.  I set one back in the beginning of January 2006.  It was January 5th and I vowed that I would change.  That blog post changed my life.  I DID change.  And I loved the change however I slipped.  In the more recent years I've had detailed and grandiose plans for change.  I was a flamboyant failure the years I made grandiose goals. 

So I started thinking about this years goals.  And I came to the conclusion that yes, sometimes New Years resolutions are reached,  but many times these goals turn into failures in our lives.  I don't want failures.  I do not want to set myself up to fail...and I will not.   So i am not setting any New Years resolutions.  Nope.  Not gonna do it!  Could I let it pass without something in the works?   No, definitely not!

So my plan.  I joined a virtual trip across the States.  I'm starting in Yorktown, VA.  Every time I do activity I will enter it into the site and it will tell me how far I've walked total.  It will even apparently show me a picture of where I am in the trip.  How cool is that?    I do not have any goals to make it to a certain point by a certain day.  It is simply going to be a cool way to track my progress. I am going to cheat a bit.  I plan on counting exercise as 1 mile walked for every 20 minutes of exercise.  So an hour of zumba will be 3 miles.  :-)  I found a free app for a pedometer on my cell phone.  I have numerous pedometers at my house, but they are usually sitting in a basket on my bathroom counter, not doing me any good when I actually take a walk.  Ooops.  I ALWAYS have my cell phone with me.   Just search in the app store for BIDMC Pedometer.  I have done preliminary tests and it seems to work pretty well.  There are also apps such as mapmyride/walk and cyclemeter out there that work perfectly using your gps. (I am excited about the pedometer though because some places I walk doesn't get good cell reception so GPS doesn't work!)

So I've asked two friends via email to join me on this walk because yes; you can have virtual walking partners!  If you would like to be a virtual walking buddy visit the website exercise.lbl.gov, sign up and then find me.  You can find me one of two ways.  My id number is 72446 but you can find me under my name, which is MaryFran and my last name is simply an S  (in case you need it, birthday is 12-10-1972)  walk with me.  No goals in mind (it will ask for goals but I'm not worried about them) just friends helping each other exercise...virtually. 

If I'm exercising, I know that I tend to eat more healthy foods and in better quantities.  If I am exercising AND eating better the weight will fall off on it's own.  There is absolutely no need to set goals.  The weight will come off in it's own time.  I'm good with that!!!

Happy New Year!!!

Body Image

I hate my body as it is right now.  Yet, I'm still quite a few (about 65) pounds lower than my highest ever weight.  I didn't hate my body at that higher weight.  I didn't lament about it. So I had a belly.  SO my thighs jiggled.  Big whop.  It didn't bother me.    I was comfortable in my own skin. I knew I was overweight but I was comfortable.  My self worth was secure.  I liked me for me.  I liked myself and I was confident in saying, "To hell with anyone that doesn't like me because I'm fat, I wouldn't want friends like that anyway."

I started losing weight simply because I wanted to.  And I found a whole new world.  I found a deeper level of confidence.  I found energy.  I found really cute clothes.  I was in my glory.  But was I happy?  No, for the first time ever I looked in the mirror and I saw a fat body.  Really?   I looked in the mirror at 315 pounds and I was at peace, yet when I looked in the mirror at 180 I saw a fat hog?  What came over me?  How could I not see it?    I will back up and say that I did see it in pictures.  There was  notable time when I was looking at a picture and I actually started questioning my husband about a thin woman in his studio and why in the world he had his arm around her.  Uhhhhh yeah, the girl was me.  So I could see that the girl in the picture was a skinny mini (I was and NEVER will be rail thin...but 315 to 180 is SKINNY)   Why could I not see it when I looked at myself?   My self confidence in myself was strong but my happiness with my body had wavered.

I maintained that lower weight for a while.  I was happy.  I loved the clothes I as able to wear and was amused to see that my style is totally different than I always thought it would be.   Fun stuff.  However, remember my happiness with my body had wavered and things were not copacetic within me.   I hadn't learned the proper life lessons needed to maintain my loss.   Looking back, it should have come as no shock that I gained weight.  I gained  lot of weight. I've got another mountain to climb to get back into my cute clothes.  65 pounds, give or take.  It's not pretty.  As my weight has increased so has my dissatisfaction with my  body.  My previous satisfaction with where I was and comfortable in my own skin when I was at that much higher weight did NOT return.   I honestly didn't expect it to.  I tasted what skinny feels like and I liked that taste.  I want that back.

As I lose the weight this time I don't know how I will combat this tendency that I displayed about not seeing myself as a thin person.  I don't have the answers.  However, I do now realize that fat is not the happy place of my earlier life.   

Fat is not for me any longer.  I'm choosing to live thin.  If I look in the mirror and see a fat chick,well so be it.  I like the energy, the confidence and the feeling of good health that swirled about me.  Body image is just that.....it's an IMAGE that my mind has conceived.  It is not a real thing...it's a perception.  I'm no longer going to be constrained to those perceptions! 

Post Christmas Haze

December is crazy.  Christmas parties and continual birthdays (it's a big Birthday month in my family).  I failed miserably with my quest for living a healthy lifestyle this month.  I have no excuses.  I just didn't do good.  I saw the chocolate....I ate the chocolate.  I thought about cake and I ate the cake.  I had absolutely no self control.   No excuses. 

I feel miserble, bloated, icky and just in dire need of losing this weight!!  Welcome to Post Christmas Haze.

The year is rolling to an end and I have been thinking about my plan.  I am NOT waiting until the new year to start.  I started tracking this week.  It hasn't been pretty.  I haven't stayed down where I like my calorie count to be.  But at least I am being honest with my eating.

Exercise.  Exercise needs to start happening.  No excuses on that either.

I have started thinking about my 2013 goals.  I want reasonable doable goals!  Attainable goals.  Because I am going to ROCK 2013!!!

I LOVE ME

I was talking to my niece and nephews the other day.  Somehow the subject of gymnastics came up. (not surprising as my niece is on a competitive gymnastics team...and she LOVES it).  I remarked that my nieces body is pure muscle and that was awesome.  (when you cuddle with her you are cuddling with a little muscular girl).  She looked at me and got the most blissful smile on her face and said "I love me!"

Out of the mouths of babes.  This is how we should ALL be.  We should be this way for ourselves.  Like us for who we are.  Like us for what we have done for ourselves.  Like us for the person that is inside.  If we all practiced the "I love me" mentality, it in theory would be easier to lose weight.  We do things for the ones that we love.  Who wouldn't think about giving up something for a person that they love with all their heart?  I would gladly forgo something for my loved ones.  Yet I won't forgo the momentary pleasure of food for myself?   Do I not think I'm worth that effort?  I won't drag myself out of bed a bit earlier to exercise.  Do I not think I'm worth the effort????  

That is where I am wrong.  I am a wonderfully made woman.  I am worth EVERY OUNCE of effort that is put into making me a better person.  I LOVE ME and I need to start acting like it!

This world would be a MUCH BETTER PLACE if everyone took the "I love me" mentality!

Turning 40

Turning 40 has been a difficult proposition for me.  As the date grew closer, I struggled.  I know that it's just a number.  I know that i'm the same person at 39 that I am at 40.  My problem came with the introspection that one does at milestones.  The big change to a new decade is one of those milestones. .....sometimes it's just the 'new year' reflection....it can be anything.   I started reflecting on where my life is.  I thought back to my hopes and dreams and where I wanted my life to go.   I found out that where I wanted my life to go and where I am are two different things entirely.  Life took some very divergent paths.   Changing course isn't the worst thing in life. I know that.   The problem is that my paths left me in a place that I do not like.  My path also dropped me into a plae where there are seemingly no way out of.  It's 'accept' situations.  Most everything I have absolutely no control over.  One of them is the teaching situation.  Yes...I still despair about the loss of my dream. (and I HATE when people try to say that that option is still open to me.....it is NOT open to me...when it's suggested and I even think about it, it restarts the nightmares, the health issues, etc etc etc) I also despair about the loss of my dream of having children.  My life has huge voids and nothing has ever taken the place of these dreams and one or two other dreams that have been trampled and killed.  I'm in an unhappy place and I don't know how to fix it.

There is however ONE thing that I do have the power to fix.  That is my weight.   That is the motivating factor behind my push recently.  Idon't have power to change anything except myself.  I can take steps to try to change the direction on SOME of the things...ie really dig in deep and search for a new job...one that pays better to help the financial situation....but for the most part there is nothing I can do.   Except for my weight. 

I am happy to say that my 4 day weekend birthday extravaganza (the home kitchen was closed, we ate OUT every meal...well except for some quick breakfasts) only caused ma a one tenth of a pound gain.   And I'm thinking that there is some water retention going on as I drank next to NOTHING this past weekend.  At least I hope.  :-)   Either way, i'm hot on the trail of weight loss for this upcoming week.....as a newly minted 40 year old.