Reflections about 2019

As the year comes to an end I have taken the time to reflect upon the year behind me and to look forward to the year ahead!

I can't call 2019 a totally successful year in terms of weight loss.  I got more serious about my efforts...and that was good!  But in the grand scheme of things I didn't lose much.   Wait.....I LOST....and that is what is important.  Right now it is looking as if I will be down about 10-15 pounds....depending on how the rest of December goes.  So that is a victory.  ANY pound down is a good one!

I didn't quite kick butt on the bike...but I did make some progress.  Exercise continues to be spotty and hit or miss.  However there are some things that may be changing!

My big thoughts came into play when I started to look forward to 2020.   I want to dedicate my 2020 to making me a better me.  This encompasses weight, fitness, work life and everything.  I want to be a better person in every way at this time next year!

I have a video that I put together with some of my reflections and my plans and hopes for the future.  Feel free to watch!   If you have a youtube channel consider yourself tagged.  Just let me know so I can come watch your video!

So what was your big accomplishments of 2019?   What do you want to accomplish in 2020?

This is a lifelong journey.  It is a lifelong quest to learn.  It is an adventure!  We reflect and we move forward and this is the perfect time to do that!

Turning 40

Turning 40 has been a difficult proposition for me.  As the date grew closer, I struggled.  I know that it's just a number.  I know that i'm the same person at 39 that I am at 40.  My problem came with the introspection that one does at milestones.  The big change to a new decade is one of those milestones. .....sometimes it's just the 'new year' reflection....it can be anything.   I started reflecting on where my life is.  I thought back to my hopes and dreams and where I wanted my life to go.   I found out that where I wanted my life to go and where I am are two different things entirely.  Life took some very divergent paths.   Changing course isn't the worst thing in life. I know that.   The problem is that my paths left me in a place that I do not like.  My path also dropped me into a plae where there are seemingly no way out of.  It's 'accept' situations.  Most everything I have absolutely no control over.  One of them is the teaching situation.  Yes...I still despair about the loss of my dream. (and I HATE when people try to say that that option is still open to me.....it is NOT open to me...when it's suggested and I even think about it, it restarts the nightmares, the health issues, etc etc etc) I also despair about the loss of my dream of having children.  My life has huge voids and nothing has ever taken the place of these dreams and one or two other dreams that have been trampled and killed.  I'm in an unhappy place and I don't know how to fix it.

There is however ONE thing that I do have the power to fix.  That is my weight.   That is the motivating factor behind my push recently.  Idon't have power to change anything except myself.  I can take steps to try to change the direction on SOME of the things...ie really dig in deep and search for a new job...one that pays better to help the financial situation....but for the most part there is nothing I can do.   Except for my weight. 

I am happy to say that my 4 day weekend birthday extravaganza (the home kitchen was closed, we ate OUT every meal...well except for some quick breakfasts) only caused ma a one tenth of a pound gain.   And I'm thinking that there is some water retention going on as I drank next to NOTHING this past weekend.  At least I hope.  :-)   Either way, i'm hot on the trail of weight loss for this upcoming week.....as a newly minted 40 year old.

SIngle minded

I've started rereading through this journal.  It has been interesting.  I have looked back at my initial weight loss with rose colored glasses.  I have thought and said about how easy it was.  It wasn't.  I was more focused. I was single minded in my focus.  I was so single minded in my focus that I had family members worried about me.  I knew what I wanted and I was determined that come hell or high water I was getting there.   I need that single minded focus back.  I need to focus on this weight and nothing else. Let the trees fall around me....I see only my weight loss efforts.  If it's important, it will still be there when I come through the trees on the other side.

One other thing I'm picking up is those first feelings that I encountered and worked through as I accepted the fact that I was fat and that I needed some help.

Some of the reading is dull and repetitive...it's me rambling about what i ate, how I was working through situations that popped up.  My attempts to start a regime of exercise.  But it is rekindling that feeling of hope, that feeling of excitement within me.

Today I walked with Sherry I from over at TwoGirlsMamma. It was good for me. It was good to talk and walk with my friend of course.  But it renewed me on my journey.  I can do this.  I can do this with a single minded focus (she remembers that single minded focus I had back then. I can do this without deprivation to myself.  I can do this by modifying small things within my life.  I CAN DO THIS.

You didn't hear me?????   I CAN DO THIS!