I started researching this morning to find out how long it takes for something to become habit. I got some conflicting answers. 27 days, 30-40 repetitions. The answers were anywhere between 1 month and 3 months. Each source I checked then followed it up with the disclaimer that went something as follows. "you see, there is no exact answer because everyone is a unique individual..." The most common consensus via research groups was that it takes 21 days to make something a habit. For the sake of argument, I'm going to say 21 days is the magical number. 21 days eh? Well, I technically started back on my quest for health the day after Christmas. But for the sake of ease in calucalting, (and because I didn't kick in full steam ahead until January 1) I'm going to use January 1 for my first day of my habit formulating behavior. SO I'm 4 days in. 19% of the way there! I am endeavoring to make tracking my food a habit (and a side note, when I'm tracking I tend to stay within my caloric budget...go figure). I am also attempting to make exercise a habit in my life rather than something I do as a side note. My plan for exercise is for most days to yes, do something significant. But even on the days where I dont' want to, I'm making myself do SOMETHING active. a 5 minute walk down the road. A 15 minute ride on the exercise bike. SOMETHING....ANYTHING! Because it becomes a habit if you do it 21 times!
The good thing about this habit thing? After my 21 days are up, it's now a habit. What's so good about that you ask? In theory if it takes 21 days to create a habit, it should take 21 days to erase that new habit and replace it different habit. Therefore the habit I'm creating now will take time to be replaced by my bad decisions. (in theory) Wow, that confused even me!
Friday, January 04, 2013
Thursday, January 03, 2013
My habit
For the last few months I've had a love affair with Crystal light. It started this summer with the Pom-tini flavor. I was so sad when I learned that Pom-tini was only a seasonal temporary flavor. However, I quickly discovered that Cherry Pomegranate was just as good. I took my water to work, but I drank copious amounts of crystal light at home and on the weekends. I did purchase some small packets of crystal light (the kind that goes into bottles) for work for those days when water just doesn't cut it. I thought I was doing great. I was drinking LOTS of liquids. It was nothing for me to drink a pitcher of crystal light a day, and on weekends when I was home, sometimes two! Yet, I always woke up dying of thirst (when I drinking enough water I'm not that way) and while there were no signs, I just have felt deeply that the Crystal Light Habit needed to be checked. Today I decided to look into it. I always vaguely knew that Crystal light had aspartame, and I always vaguely knew what aspartame does to the body...but here is nice simple description....it is from the Livestrong Website...
One of the criticisms of using aspartame-sweetened foods for weight loss is that the sweet taste still tricks the brain into thinking it's hungry. This hypothesis would lead to a triggered effect in the body that would release digestive enzymes and insulin, actually increasing hunger cues and potentially causing a person to eat more. But consistently, past research did not draw this conclusion. Scientists studying this issue saw that consuming aspartame did not increase insulin, increase appetite, or increase eating and drinking more calories overall.
Despite this previous evidence, two new research studies from the Texas Health Science Center paint a different picture. They showed that the waistlines of people who drank diet soft drinks increased 70 percent more than people who didn't drink diet soda. They saw that people who drank diet drinks had a greater likelihood to be overweight. The blame is placed on the brain triggers instigated by the sweet, calorie-less taste experience. Two other recent brain studies demonstrated this effect, showing that the body does seek out calories after eating no-calorie sweeteners such as aspartame
So while I have a pitcher of Crystal Light in my fridge (and more to make) I will be limiting my intake and focusing on my water. Oh yeah, Diet soda? You are also on the way out. I've gone without many times before and I find that I don't miss you (and actually like going out to eat and saving the couple bucks by ordering a water!). I know that the first few days will be difficult, but water really is so much more refreshing! (in fairness, I didn't always think so...but I grew to LOVE it!)
I am 16.7 miles into my virtual trip cross the united states. :-) I'm making use of that exercise bike that is in the living room! :-)
One of the criticisms of using aspartame-sweetened foods for weight loss is that the sweet taste still tricks the brain into thinking it's hungry. This hypothesis would lead to a triggered effect in the body that would release digestive enzymes and insulin, actually increasing hunger cues and potentially causing a person to eat more. But consistently, past research did not draw this conclusion. Scientists studying this issue saw that consuming aspartame did not increase insulin, increase appetite, or increase eating and drinking more calories overall.
Despite this previous evidence, two new research studies from the Texas Health Science Center paint a different picture. They showed that the waistlines of people who drank diet soft drinks increased 70 percent more than people who didn't drink diet soda. They saw that people who drank diet drinks had a greater likelihood to be overweight. The blame is placed on the brain triggers instigated by the sweet, calorie-less taste experience. Two other recent brain studies demonstrated this effect, showing that the body does seek out calories after eating no-calorie sweeteners such as aspartame
So while I have a pitcher of Crystal Light in my fridge (and more to make) I will be limiting my intake and focusing on my water. Oh yeah, Diet soda? You are also on the way out. I've gone without many times before and I find that I don't miss you (and actually like going out to eat and saving the couple bucks by ordering a water!). I know that the first few days will be difficult, but water really is so much more refreshing! (in fairness, I didn't always think so...but I grew to LOVE it!)
I am 16.7 miles into my virtual trip cross the united states. :-) I'm making use of that exercise bike that is in the living room! :-)
Wednesday, January 02, 2013
Goodbye Christmas, See you Next Year
Crazy! My stomach just growled. I almost forgot what that was! I have been eating so much food and keeping myself overly fed for so long that I almost forgot what it feels like to actually have your stomach growl with hunger!
I am 8.8 miles away from Williamburg, VA on my virtual walk. We walked 4.06 miles yesterday. Between the few miles on the canal and then walking down to the polar plunge I racked up more miles than I expected (I actually turned OFF my GPS tracker/pedometer while we were at the polar plunge also, so the 30-40 minutes we were standing there did NOT count in my mileage...I was a good honest with myself girl). Yes, we wisely walked near that area and timed our hike so that when we were done walking we just had to walk a half mile to the site of the plunge and then the half mile back to the car. It added extra distance to my walk AND made for easy parking!
The Christmas decorations have been removed from my house and put back into storage. It was time. I will be ready for it's return in late November! After I finished cleaning the house after the removal of all things Christmas, I pulled the exercise bike into the living room from it's previous location in our bedroom. I have been wanting to ride my bike lately, but have thrown up excuse after excuse. "Todd is asleep and that will disrupt his sleep", "I don't like the angle that I would have to view the TV at if I rode in the bedroom." and of course the ever present "I would have to clear off the clothes that somehow end up hanging off the bike." All excuses...and all of those excuses are no more! Ride I WILL....and by Christmas next year I will be in a different place emotionally and physically!!!! I can't wait to see where that will be!!!! The future is BRIGHT!
I am 8.8 miles away from Williamburg, VA on my virtual walk. We walked 4.06 miles yesterday. Between the few miles on the canal and then walking down to the polar plunge I racked up more miles than I expected (I actually turned OFF my GPS tracker/pedometer while we were at the polar plunge also, so the 30-40 minutes we were standing there did NOT count in my mileage...I was a good honest with myself girl). Yes, we wisely walked near that area and timed our hike so that when we were done walking we just had to walk a half mile to the site of the plunge and then the half mile back to the car. It added extra distance to my walk AND made for easy parking!
The Christmas decorations have been removed from my house and put back into storage. It was time. I will be ready for it's return in late November! After I finished cleaning the house after the removal of all things Christmas, I pulled the exercise bike into the living room from it's previous location in our bedroom. I have been wanting to ride my bike lately, but have thrown up excuse after excuse. "Todd is asleep and that will disrupt his sleep", "I don't like the angle that I would have to view the TV at if I rode in the bedroom." and of course the ever present "I would have to clear off the clothes that somehow end up hanging off the bike." All excuses...and all of those excuses are no more! Ride I WILL....and by Christmas next year I will be in a different place emotionally and physically!!!! I can't wait to see where that will be!!!! The future is BRIGHT!
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
Out with the Old..........
Yes, Happy New Year! I am ready to tackle this year. I am determined to make this year one of true happiness. The kind of happiness that bubbles up from within ones soul. I want that happiness. And how I'm going to work on it this year? First and foremost, I'm going to tackle my addiction. I have an addiction to food. I have written about it so many times in the past that I can't even think straight. I accept the addiction. I know I will struggle with it forever and that the trick is to learn how to manage my life around this addiction. My saving grace in my personal battle with this addiction is that I have figured out that I can get 'high' off of the pride that flows through me when I beat down the addiction. True, the high I get from that burst of flavor on my tongue is a totally different feeling, I can STILL conquer this!
The new year rolled in and I decided to take the saying "out with the old and in with the new" in a very bold way. I had been a light blonde for the last 6-8 months..
Let the walking begin!!!! I have to get myself out of Yorktown (which is where the virtual walk starts!!!!)
Monday, December 31, 2012
Plotting and planning
It's New Years Eve and I'm sitting at work for my final four hours of work for the year 2012. New Years is the perfect time to sit and look back at your life. It's the time to ponder where you are, where you've been and where you want to go. It's an opportunity that we actually have each and every day, but the new glow of a fresh year sparks the fire within most of us. I think New Years Resolutions are great. I set one back in the beginning of January 2006. It was January 5th and I vowed that I would change. That blog post changed my life. I DID change. And I loved the change however I slipped. In the more recent years I've had detailed and grandiose plans for change. I was a flamboyant failure the years I made grandiose goals.
So I started thinking about this years goals. And I came to the conclusion that yes, sometimes New Years resolutions are reached, but many times these goals turn into failures in our lives. I don't want failures. I do not want to set myself up to fail...and I will not. So i am not setting any New Years resolutions. Nope. Not gonna do it! Could I let it pass without something in the works? No, definitely not!
So my plan. I joined a virtual trip across the States. I'm starting in Yorktown, VA. Every time I do activity I will enter it into the site and it will tell me how far I've walked total. It will even apparently show me a picture of where I am in the trip. How cool is that? I do not have any goals to make it to a certain point by a certain day. It is simply going to be a cool way to track my progress. I am going to cheat a bit. I plan on counting exercise as 1 mile walked for every 20 minutes of exercise. So an hour of zumba will be 3 miles. :-) I found a free app for a pedometer on my cell phone. I have numerous pedometers at my house, but they are usually sitting in a basket on my bathroom counter, not doing me any good when I actually take a walk. Ooops. I ALWAYS have my cell phone with me. Just search in the app store for BIDMC Pedometer. I have done preliminary tests and it seems to work pretty well. There are also apps such as mapmyride/walk and cyclemeter out there that work perfectly using your gps. (I am excited about the pedometer though because some places I walk doesn't get good cell reception so GPS doesn't work!)
So I've asked two friends via email to join me on this walk because yes; you can have virtual walking partners! If you would like to be a virtual walking buddy visit the website exercise.lbl.gov, sign up and then find me. You can find me one of two ways. My id number is 72446 but you can find me under my name, which is MaryFran and my last name is simply an S (in case you need it, birthday is 12-10-1972) walk with me. No goals in mind (it will ask for goals but I'm not worried about them) just friends helping each other exercise...virtually.
If I'm exercising, I know that I tend to eat more healthy foods and in better quantities. If I am exercising AND eating better the weight will fall off on it's own. There is absolutely no need to set goals. The weight will come off in it's own time. I'm good with that!!!
Happy New Year!!!
So I started thinking about this years goals. And I came to the conclusion that yes, sometimes New Years resolutions are reached, but many times these goals turn into failures in our lives. I don't want failures. I do not want to set myself up to fail...and I will not. So i am not setting any New Years resolutions. Nope. Not gonna do it! Could I let it pass without something in the works? No, definitely not!
So my plan. I joined a virtual trip across the States. I'm starting in Yorktown, VA. Every time I do activity I will enter it into the site and it will tell me how far I've walked total. It will even apparently show me a picture of where I am in the trip. How cool is that? I do not have any goals to make it to a certain point by a certain day. It is simply going to be a cool way to track my progress. I am going to cheat a bit. I plan on counting exercise as 1 mile walked for every 20 minutes of exercise. So an hour of zumba will be 3 miles. :-) I found a free app for a pedometer on my cell phone. I have numerous pedometers at my house, but they are usually sitting in a basket on my bathroom counter, not doing me any good when I actually take a walk. Ooops. I ALWAYS have my cell phone with me. Just search in the app store for BIDMC Pedometer. I have done preliminary tests and it seems to work pretty well. There are also apps such as mapmyride/walk and cyclemeter out there that work perfectly using your gps. (I am excited about the pedometer though because some places I walk doesn't get good cell reception so GPS doesn't work!)
So I've asked two friends via email to join me on this walk because yes; you can have virtual walking partners! If you would like to be a virtual walking buddy visit the website exercise.lbl.gov, sign up and then find me. You can find me one of two ways. My id number is 72446 but you can find me under my name, which is MaryFran and my last name is simply an S (in case you need it, birthday is 12-10-1972) walk with me. No goals in mind (it will ask for goals but I'm not worried about them) just friends helping each other exercise...virtually.
If I'm exercising, I know that I tend to eat more healthy foods and in better quantities. If I am exercising AND eating better the weight will fall off on it's own. There is absolutely no need to set goals. The weight will come off in it's own time. I'm good with that!!!
Happy New Year!!!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Body Image
I hate my body as it is right now. Yet, I'm still quite a few (about 65) pounds lower than my highest ever weight. I didn't hate my body at that higher weight. I didn't lament about it. So I had a belly. SO my thighs jiggled. Big whop. It didn't bother me. I was comfortable in my own skin. I knew I was overweight but I was comfortable. My self worth was secure. I liked me for me. I liked myself and I was confident in saying, "To hell with anyone that doesn't like me because I'm fat, I wouldn't want friends like that anyway."
I started losing weight simply because I wanted to. And I found a whole new world. I found a deeper level of confidence. I found energy. I found really cute clothes. I was in my glory. But was I happy? No, for the first time ever I looked in the mirror and I saw a fat body. Really? I looked in the mirror at 315 pounds and I was at peace, yet when I looked in the mirror at 180 I saw a fat hog? What came over me? How could I not see it? I will back up and say that I did see it in pictures. There was notable time when I was looking at a picture and I actually started questioning my husband about a thin woman in his studio and why in the world he had his arm around her. Uhhhhh yeah, the girl was me. So I could see that the girl in the picture was a skinny mini (I was and NEVER will be rail thin...but 315 to 180 is SKINNY) Why could I not see it when I looked at myself? My self confidence in myself was strong but my happiness with my body had wavered.
I maintained that lower weight for a while. I was happy. I loved the clothes I as able to wear and was amused to see that my style is totally different than I always thought it would be. Fun stuff. However, remember my happiness with my body had wavered and things were not copacetic within me. I hadn't learned the proper life lessons needed to maintain my loss. Looking back, it should have come as no shock that I gained weight. I gained lot of weight. I've got another mountain to climb to get back into my cute clothes. 65 pounds, give or take. It's not pretty. As my weight has increased so has my dissatisfaction with my body. My previous satisfaction with where I was and comfortable in my own skin when I was at that much higher weight did NOT return. I honestly didn't expect it to. I tasted what skinny feels like and I liked that taste. I want that back.
As I lose the weight this time I don't know how I will combat this tendency that I displayed about not seeing myself as a thin person. I don't have the answers. However, I do now realize that fat is not the happy place of my earlier life.
Fat is not for me any longer. I'm choosing to live thin. If I look in the mirror and see a fat chick,well so be it. I like the energy, the confidence and the feeling of good health that swirled about me. Body image is just that.....it's an IMAGE that my mind has conceived. It is not a real thing...it's a perception. I'm no longer going to be constrained to those perceptions!
I started losing weight simply because I wanted to. And I found a whole new world. I found a deeper level of confidence. I found energy. I found really cute clothes. I was in my glory. But was I happy? No, for the first time ever I looked in the mirror and I saw a fat body. Really? I looked in the mirror at 315 pounds and I was at peace, yet when I looked in the mirror at 180 I saw a fat hog? What came over me? How could I not see it? I will back up and say that I did see it in pictures. There was notable time when I was looking at a picture and I actually started questioning my husband about a thin woman in his studio and why in the world he had his arm around her. Uhhhhh yeah, the girl was me. So I could see that the girl in the picture was a skinny mini (I was and NEVER will be rail thin...but 315 to 180 is SKINNY) Why could I not see it when I looked at myself? My self confidence in myself was strong but my happiness with my body had wavered.
I maintained that lower weight for a while. I was happy. I loved the clothes I as able to wear and was amused to see that my style is totally different than I always thought it would be. Fun stuff. However, remember my happiness with my body had wavered and things were not copacetic within me. I hadn't learned the proper life lessons needed to maintain my loss. Looking back, it should have come as no shock that I gained weight. I gained lot of weight. I've got another mountain to climb to get back into my cute clothes. 65 pounds, give or take. It's not pretty. As my weight has increased so has my dissatisfaction with my body. My previous satisfaction with where I was and comfortable in my own skin when I was at that much higher weight did NOT return. I honestly didn't expect it to. I tasted what skinny feels like and I liked that taste. I want that back.
As I lose the weight this time I don't know how I will combat this tendency that I displayed about not seeing myself as a thin person. I don't have the answers. However, I do now realize that fat is not the happy place of my earlier life.
Fat is not for me any longer. I'm choosing to live thin. If I look in the mirror and see a fat chick,well so be it. I like the energy, the confidence and the feeling of good health that swirled about me. Body image is just that.....it's an IMAGE that my mind has conceived. It is not a real thing...it's a perception. I'm no longer going to be constrained to those perceptions!
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Post Christmas Haze
December is crazy. Christmas parties and continual birthdays (it's a big Birthday month in my family). I failed miserably with my quest for living a healthy lifestyle this month. I have no excuses. I just didn't do good. I saw the chocolate....I ate the chocolate. I thought about cake and I ate the cake. I had absolutely no self control. No excuses.
I feel miserble, bloated, icky and just in dire need of losing this weight!! Welcome to Post Christmas Haze.
The year is rolling to an end and I have been thinking about my plan. I am NOT waiting until the new year to start. I started tracking this week. It hasn't been pretty. I haven't stayed down where I like my calorie count to be. But at least I am being honest with my eating.
Exercise. Exercise needs to start happening. No excuses on that either.
I have started thinking about my 2013 goals. I want reasonable doable goals! Attainable goals. Because I am going to ROCK 2013!!!
I feel miserble, bloated, icky and just in dire need of losing this weight!! Welcome to Post Christmas Haze.
The year is rolling to an end and I have been thinking about my plan. I am NOT waiting until the new year to start. I started tracking this week. It hasn't been pretty. I haven't stayed down where I like my calorie count to be. But at least I am being honest with my eating.
Exercise. Exercise needs to start happening. No excuses on that either.
I have started thinking about my 2013 goals. I want reasonable doable goals! Attainable goals. Because I am going to ROCK 2013!!!
Monday, December 17, 2012
I LOVE ME
I was talking to my niece and nephews the other day. Somehow the subject of gymnastics came up. (not surprising as my niece is on a competitive gymnastics team...and she LOVES it). I remarked that my nieces body is pure muscle and that was awesome. (when you cuddle with her you are cuddling with a little muscular girl). She looked at me and got the most blissful smile on her face and said "I love me!"
Out of the mouths of babes. This is how we should ALL be. We should be this way for ourselves. Like us for who we are. Like us for what we have done for ourselves. Like us for the person that is inside. If we all practiced the "I love me" mentality, it in theory would be easier to lose weight. We do things for the ones that we love. Who wouldn't think about giving up something for a person that they love with all their heart? I would gladly forgo something for my loved ones. Yet I won't forgo the momentary pleasure of food for myself? Do I not think I'm worth that effort? I won't drag myself out of bed a bit earlier to exercise. Do I not think I'm worth the effort????
That is where I am wrong. I am a wonderfully made woman. I am worth EVERY OUNCE of effort that is put into making me a better person. I LOVE ME and I need to start acting like it!
This world would be a MUCH BETTER PLACE if everyone took the "I love me" mentality!
Out of the mouths of babes. This is how we should ALL be. We should be this way for ourselves. Like us for who we are. Like us for what we have done for ourselves. Like us for the person that is inside. If we all practiced the "I love me" mentality, it in theory would be easier to lose weight. We do things for the ones that we love. Who wouldn't think about giving up something for a person that they love with all their heart? I would gladly forgo something for my loved ones. Yet I won't forgo the momentary pleasure of food for myself? Do I not think I'm worth that effort? I won't drag myself out of bed a bit earlier to exercise. Do I not think I'm worth the effort????
That is where I am wrong. I am a wonderfully made woman. I am worth EVERY OUNCE of effort that is put into making me a better person. I LOVE ME and I need to start acting like it!
This world would be a MUCH BETTER PLACE if everyone took the "I love me" mentality!
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Turning 40
Turning 40 has been a difficult proposition for me. As the date grew closer, I struggled. I know that it's just a number. I know that i'm the same person at 39 that I am at 40. My problem came with the introspection that one does at milestones. The big change to a new decade is one of those milestones. .....sometimes it's just the 'new year' reflection....it can be anything. I started reflecting on where my life is. I thought back to my hopes and dreams and where I wanted my life to go. I found out that where I wanted my life to go and where I am are two different things entirely. Life took some very divergent paths. Changing course isn't the worst thing in life. I know that. The problem is that my paths left me in a place that I do not like. My path also dropped me into a plae where there are seemingly no way out of. It's 'accept' situations. Most everything I have absolutely no control over. One of them is the teaching situation. Yes...I still despair about the loss of my dream. (and I HATE when people try to say that that option is still open to me.....it is NOT open to me...when it's suggested and I even think about it, it restarts the nightmares, the health issues, etc etc etc) I also despair about the loss of my dream of having children. My life has huge voids and nothing has ever taken the place of these dreams and one or two other dreams that have been trampled and killed. I'm in an unhappy place and I don't know how to fix it.
There is however ONE thing that I do have the power to fix. That is my weight. That is the motivating factor behind my push recently. Idon't have power to change anything except myself. I can take steps to try to change the direction on SOME of the things...ie really dig in deep and search for a new job...one that pays better to help the financial situation....but for the most part there is nothing I can do. Except for my weight.
I am happy to say that my 4 day weekend birthday extravaganza (the home kitchen was closed, we ate OUT every meal...well except for some quick breakfasts) only caused ma a one tenth of a pound gain. And I'm thinking that there is some water retention going on as I drank next to NOTHING this past weekend. At least I hope. :-) Either way, i'm hot on the trail of weight loss for this upcoming week.....as a newly minted 40 year old.
There is however ONE thing that I do have the power to fix. That is my weight. That is the motivating factor behind my push recently. Idon't have power to change anything except myself. I can take steps to try to change the direction on SOME of the things...ie really dig in deep and search for a new job...one that pays better to help the financial situation....but for the most part there is nothing I can do. Except for my weight.
I am happy to say that my 4 day weekend birthday extravaganza (the home kitchen was closed, we ate OUT every meal...well except for some quick breakfasts) only caused ma a one tenth of a pound gain. And I'm thinking that there is some water retention going on as I drank next to NOTHING this past weekend. At least I hope. :-) Either way, i'm hot on the trail of weight loss for this upcoming week.....as a newly minted 40 year old.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Sentao
You know it's a bad thing when your exercise instructor steps in front of the class and her first words are "If you were here last night, are you sore too?" Yes, my instructor actually started the class last night with those words. And YES, I was sore from my workout on Monday. Last night just exacerbated the soreness. Hey, no pain no gain. :-) So what workout did I do that caused me this 'difficulty'? Zumba has a new class out there. It's called Sentao. It's chair exercises. I know what you are thinking! Oh yes, I was lulled into a false sense of security when I started too. It's exercises with a chair, how difficult can it be. Well all I have to say is try it! Lunges off of the chair. Squats while you have one leg balanced on the chair. Push ups, crunches, etc etc. It's a WORKOUT. A gal was there the other week trying it out and her words after it was over was "I have done body pumps and all sorts of exercise classes at various gyms and NEVER have I had a workout like that!" I alternately hate it and love it. I can't figure out which it is. But I know this......if I'm sore and have achy muscles, that means it's good for me so I'll keep doing it!
So happy to see my friends last night at zumba. One was a friend that I hadn't seen in a month or two. She looked at me and commented on my happiness. It made me look deeply at myself and realize that I am at peace with myself. I was looking at scrapbooks from years and years ago and cried a bit when I saw the college era. I miss that girl. But I'm learning that that girl is still inside me and I"m at peace with her slow reemergence. I'm at peace with what is happening in my life. I don't like all of it...but I'm at peace with it. The beauty of it? That peace is allowing the old long lost MaryFran to shine again.
Day two went by without too much fanfare. I ate right. I exercised. I did what I needed to do. I peeked at the scales this morning (unfortunately after I had downed a big glass of liquids and had already eaten my breakfast) and I'm down...so I'm feeling good. Day three is planned and I am ready to rock this day also!
So happy to see my friends last night at zumba. One was a friend that I hadn't seen in a month or two. She looked at me and commented on my happiness. It made me look deeply at myself and realize that I am at peace with myself. I was looking at scrapbooks from years and years ago and cried a bit when I saw the college era. I miss that girl. But I'm learning that that girl is still inside me and I"m at peace with her slow reemergence. I'm at peace with what is happening in my life. I don't like all of it...but I'm at peace with it. The beauty of it? That peace is allowing the old long lost MaryFran to shine again.
Day two went by without too much fanfare. I ate right. I exercised. I did what I needed to do. I peeked at the scales this morning (unfortunately after I had downed a big glass of liquids and had already eaten my breakfast) and I'm down...so I'm feeling good. Day three is planned and I am ready to rock this day also!
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Moving on
Day one is in the books. Tracked, exercised, drank my water and I feel good. I didn't weigh myself this morning, but I'm not overly concerned about my weight today. It's the weekly weight that concerns me! :-) Moving on to day two. My food for the day is already in my tracker. My exercise is already planned. I should be good to go!
I'm starting to think about goals and rewards for myself as I drop the weight. So far I've come up with a massage and a pedicure. The thing is.....I don't have a lot of extra money...so my rewards have to be rather low budget. :-) Thinking...thinking...thinking. I was originally thinking about rewarding myself every 10 pounds. But maybe I'll do every 25 for a monetary reward. :-) Yes....I think that sounds great! Decisions decisions. :-) I will get them up and posted on a page here today at some point.
This is no longer a thing of I want. It's a thing of I NEED!
I'm starting to think about goals and rewards for myself as I drop the weight. So far I've come up with a massage and a pedicure. The thing is.....I don't have a lot of extra money...so my rewards have to be rather low budget. :-) Thinking...thinking...thinking. I was originally thinking about rewarding myself every 10 pounds. But maybe I'll do every 25 for a monetary reward. :-) Yes....I think that sounds great! Decisions decisions. :-) I will get them up and posted on a page here today at some point.
This is no longer a thing of I want. It's a thing of I NEED!
Monday, November 26, 2012
Victory!
So thanksgiving weekend 2012 is officially in the books. I don't feel as if I ate all that horribly. However, I did indulge in the pumpkin roll.....and I ate the leftovers for breakfast on Friday, Saturday AND Sunday. Luckily for me the pumpkin roll is no longer there, so it is no longer tempting me by calling my name in that sticky sweet voice that gets to me every time! My weight is up. I accept it...but I'm not ok with it. I need to get myself in line. No ifs ands or buts. Other than the pumpkin roll, I ate relatively reasonably. But relatively reasonably is NOT good enough. I need to be doing GOOD...I need to be on target. Relatively reasonably is OK if I'm trying to maintain.
So I started tracking today and I'm here.
Thanksgiving 2012 had me doing something that I have had on my bucket list. I participated in a 5K on Thanksgiving morning. I didn't set any records. I had not trained ANY....so I walked and had spurts of jogging. But I did it. I did not come in last for my age division which was my goal. SO I am pleased.
1203 67/92 Terri Houser F 52 46:35 44:52 14:29
1204 156/176 Paula Crammer F 36 46:34 44:53 14:29
1205 157/176 Maryfran Stotler F 39 46:35 44:53 14:29
The first number is where I came in, the second set of numbers I didn't come in last in my division...which was my goal. Obviously my name, sex and age...then the 46.34 was my gun time....and the 44:53 was my chip time. The 14:29 was my pace. Pitiful. But now i have something to work against. Paula and I are aiming to do the st. patricks day run. And we are aiming to train and really whittle down our time!
I want to reinvent my life on a few different levels...and on the health level, I want to be FIT and active!
So I started tracking today and I'm here.
Thanksgiving 2012 had me doing something that I have had on my bucket list. I participated in a 5K on Thanksgiving morning. I didn't set any records. I had not trained ANY....so I walked and had spurts of jogging. But I did it. I did not come in last for my age division which was my goal. SO I am pleased.
1203 67/92 Terri Houser F 52 46:35 44:52 14:29
1204 156/176 Paula Crammer F 36 46:34 44:53 14:29
1205 157/176 Maryfran Stotler F 39 46:35 44:53 14:29
The first number is where I came in, the second set of numbers I didn't come in last in my division...which was my goal. Obviously my name, sex and age...then the 46.34 was my gun time....and the 44:53 was my chip time. The 14:29 was my pace. Pitiful. But now i have something to work against. Paula and I are aiming to do the st. patricks day run. And we are aiming to train and really whittle down our time!
I want to reinvent my life on a few different levels...and on the health level, I want to be FIT and active!
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Sparkle
Motivation seems to be a missing element in this journey. Right now for me it's totally missing. I get totally disgusted with myself. I cringe at where I'm at. I see something that inspires me. I gather up my desires. It is all good. I'm gung ho to roll with this. I start. I hold it together for a few days, maybe even a week or two. And then I totally fall apart. I spiral into a woman that spins wildly out of control. There isn't one set trigger that causes me to plumment from my healthy choices. Sometimes it's a weekend off/away. Sometimes it's just life that keeps me eating crazily. Sometimes it's my self worth and the fact that food is my friend...my go to when I'm feeling down. It's like I'm being bombarded on all sides. Voices are screaming at me to "eat eat eat" and I cave. The cake tasted good. The ice cream tasted good. Even if something didn't taste good I still chowed it down like a starving child. It sickens me to think about what I'm doing to myself. It sickens me to see my lack of motivation. I lack the motivation to get up off the couch and start running. I lack the motivation to pull my bike out and ride it. I lack motivation. Without this motivation I spin in circles.
I want to end this mad plummet. I want to be thin and happy. Just this week I've stumbled across a few blogs and posts and whatnot of people that have reached goal or are at least at a place where they are happy with their weight. They are trained to run marathons. They are competing in Triathlons. They are absolutely awe inspiring because they went from overweight couch potato and have transformed themselves into women that are gorgeous. Their bodies have responded so well to their activities...they are svelte and thin (yeah, I know they still have their body issues and some parts of their bodies may never be perfect...but seriously!). They are active and put their exercise first. And most importantly, when you see pictures of them......you can see the inner peace and happiness emmanating from their eyes. It's glaringly obvious. I chose those two to link. However, there are more out there. I see a spark of life that is there. I had that spark when I lost my weight. I've lost that spark again as I've regained. I'm not happy......I WANT that sparkle back!!!!!!
My motivator this week is that sparkle!!!!!!!
I want to end this mad plummet. I want to be thin and happy. Just this week I've stumbled across a few blogs and posts and whatnot of people that have reached goal or are at least at a place where they are happy with their weight. They are trained to run marathons. They are competing in Triathlons. They are absolutely awe inspiring because they went from overweight couch potato and have transformed themselves into women that are gorgeous. Their bodies have responded so well to their activities...they are svelte and thin (yeah, I know they still have their body issues and some parts of their bodies may never be perfect...but seriously!). They are active and put their exercise first. And most importantly, when you see pictures of them......you can see the inner peace and happiness emmanating from their eyes. It's glaringly obvious. I chose those two to link. However, there are more out there. I see a spark of life that is there. I had that spark when I lost my weight. I've lost that spark again as I've regained. I'm not happy......I WANT that sparkle back!!!!!!
My motivator this week is that sparkle!!!!!!!
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
The Odd Couple
I have once again recommitted. There are 10 weeks until Christmas. I am committed to losing 15 pounds in those 10 weeks. I thought that was a good goal. Doable. I am tracking. I am watching. I am committed to exercise at LEAST 3 times a week. I can't go on this path. It only leads to destruction. It leads to the destruction of my body but it also leads to the destruction of my mind. It is not a healthy place for me to be mentally and I refuse to live that way any longer. Todd and I have a 4 day weekend upcoming. Will it be difficult to do this and eat out so much? Absolutely. Can I do it? Absolutely. The first and easiest change that I plan on making at restaurants? Water with lemon please.....instead of a diet soda. I'm not knocking diet soda but seriously, it's not what my body needs. Plus...they charge like 2 bucks for those things...so if I don't get a diet soda for breakfast, lunch and dinner (not that we would eat out all three meals all four days...but for the sake of argument, lets say that we do) that 6 bucks a day 6 times 4 is twenty four bucks! That's a breakfast out! That's a souvenir or an extra museum....all because I gave up something that I really don't need! The other thing. yeah, we do go to breakfast...do I REALLY need three honkin' big pancakes? No, one pancake is sufficient. If I order the three that is a typical order at a restaurant, I eat them.....but I don't need them. I order one and I'm satisfied....so by ordering ONE, I order what my body NEEDS and oh oh oh...I saved more money! :-)
So I was talking to a friend about my issues. She has tried to lose weight but she went into a bad realm. She stopped eating all together. TO the point that she became deathly ill. Eating to her almost turns her stomach. She doesn't want to eat. It is a chore for her. She's afraid if she starts to eat that she will start to regain. She struggles to get enough calories. SOOOOO she and I have paired up. Me, encouraging her to EAT...her encouraging me to NOT eat. We are both tracking on myfitnesspal.com. Her to make sure that she IS getting enough calories (and also for her ease of mind so that she knows that she is not eating too much...because yes, anorexia is a mental disease in the mind all centered around weight..and she isn't yet at her goal, she figured out this anorexic behavior before she lost all her weight....so she has to try to lose the last 25 of her pounds in a HEALTHY manner) and me to make sure that I'm not eating too many calories (and to ensure that I'm not error in the side of not eating enough). It's an odd match. It's a very odd match, but you know what? It may work.
I have also reinstituted the daily emails to my three friends Julie, Donna and Sherry! Thanks gals...YOU ROCK!
So I was talking to a friend about my issues. She has tried to lose weight but she went into a bad realm. She stopped eating all together. TO the point that she became deathly ill. Eating to her almost turns her stomach. She doesn't want to eat. It is a chore for her. She's afraid if she starts to eat that she will start to regain. She struggles to get enough calories. SOOOOO she and I have paired up. Me, encouraging her to EAT...her encouraging me to NOT eat. We are both tracking on myfitnesspal.com. Her to make sure that she IS getting enough calories (and also for her ease of mind so that she knows that she is not eating too much...because yes, anorexia is a mental disease in the mind all centered around weight..and she isn't yet at her goal, she figured out this anorexic behavior before she lost all her weight....so she has to try to lose the last 25 of her pounds in a HEALTHY manner) and me to make sure that I'm not eating too many calories (and to ensure that I'm not error in the side of not eating enough). It's an odd match. It's a very odd match, but you know what? It may work.
I have also reinstituted the daily emails to my three friends Julie, Donna and Sherry! Thanks gals...YOU ROCK!
Monday, October 01, 2012
addictions
I'm an addict. My addiction is food. I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm sad. I eat to celebrate and I eat to forget. Last week I totally succumbed to the addiction....I tried to feed my sadness away. I tried to eat so much that I would forget the pain I feel inside me. I finally came up for air and then I hated myself even more for the abuse that I did. In reality, I didn't eat 4 cakes, 6 dozen cookies, or other crazy things. I just made poor choices. I'm embarrassed to say how many times I ate at Burger King. yes, Burger King...and I don't eat fast food. Poor choices.....but still feeding an addiction that burns brightly in me.
How will I overcome. How will I beat this sadness that is threatening to take over me, lock stock and barrel? I don't know. But I do know that food is NOT the answer. Now if I can just convince myself of that each time I go to the kitchen!
How will I overcome. How will I beat this sadness that is threatening to take over me, lock stock and barrel? I don't know. But I do know that food is NOT the answer. Now if I can just convince myself of that each time I go to the kitchen!
Monday, August 06, 2012
Living the Fast life.
A few years ago, Todd and I decided that we didn't want fast food in our lives. At first it was rough because fast food restaurants are so convienent, quick and cheap. But after an occaisional craving we learned to live without it and never really even gave McDonald's or it's counterparts a second glance. We were not watching our finances as closely then as we are now, so I don't really recall the switch being a big shock for us financially (plus we never ate exclusively at fast food joints...it was occasional).
I have read the articles about fast food and it's relation to obesity. I've also seen the articles that correlate fast food to the rise of obesity. Fast food driven obesity you may call it I guess. I always agreed, but it wasn't until yesterday that I realized exactly how much. I went to hang out with my family yesterday. My brother and his wife give in to the kids and they eat at McDonalds every Sunday...it's their tradition. So I tagged along. I ordered a McChicken sandwich, a small fry and a large drink. I blew over 600 calories on that meal. Almost half of my daily budget for calories (I aim for 1300 calories). Doable, but throws things out of whack and you have to be near PERFECT with your eating the rest of the day.
But the lesson to be learned is not how many calories I ate. I feel as if I actually chose well and was actually ok with my calorie expenditure. No, lets look at the financial expenditure.
The drink....$1......the sandwich, $1....and the small fry, $1.19. I spend $3.19 for my meal. (true dollar menu items....it's actually cheaper to order off the dollar menu in that case apparently) Really? Where else can I eat for that little? $3.19??????? It is tempting to go back....I can't eat anywhere...except the soup kitchen for that little. True there is little or no nutritional value but hell, a full belly for $3.19. No wonder people continue to flock to the place (ok so the food is also a bit addicting)...it's affordable in our economically depressed age. The cheap prices draw people in.......and they are eating WAY TOO MANY Calories. Becuase lets face it.....how many people go in and actually order the McChicken Sandwich and a SMALL fry?????
mf
I have read the articles about fast food and it's relation to obesity. I've also seen the articles that correlate fast food to the rise of obesity. Fast food driven obesity you may call it I guess. I always agreed, but it wasn't until yesterday that I realized exactly how much. I went to hang out with my family yesterday. My brother and his wife give in to the kids and they eat at McDonalds every Sunday...it's their tradition. So I tagged along. I ordered a McChicken sandwich, a small fry and a large drink. I blew over 600 calories on that meal. Almost half of my daily budget for calories (I aim for 1300 calories). Doable, but throws things out of whack and you have to be near PERFECT with your eating the rest of the day.
But the lesson to be learned is not how many calories I ate. I feel as if I actually chose well and was actually ok with my calorie expenditure. No, lets look at the financial expenditure.
The drink....$1......the sandwich, $1....and the small fry, $1.19. I spend $3.19 for my meal. (true dollar menu items....it's actually cheaper to order off the dollar menu in that case apparently) Really? Where else can I eat for that little? $3.19??????? It is tempting to go back....I can't eat anywhere...except the soup kitchen for that little. True there is little or no nutritional value but hell, a full belly for $3.19. No wonder people continue to flock to the place (ok so the food is also a bit addicting)...it's affordable in our economically depressed age. The cheap prices draw people in.......and they are eating WAY TOO MANY Calories. Becuase lets face it.....how many people go in and actually order the McChicken Sandwich and a SMALL fry?????
mf
Thursday, August 02, 2012
SIngle minded
I've started rereading through this journal. It has been interesting. I have looked back at my initial weight loss with rose colored glasses. I have thought and said about how easy it was. It wasn't. I was more focused. I was single minded in my focus. I was so single minded in my focus that I had family members worried about me. I knew what I wanted and I was determined that come hell or high water I was getting there. I need that single minded focus back. I need to focus on this weight and nothing else. Let the trees fall around me....I see only my weight loss efforts. If it's important, it will still be there when I come through the trees on the other side.
One other thing I'm picking up is those first feelings that I encountered and worked through as I accepted the fact that I was fat and that I needed some help.
Some of the reading is dull and repetitive...it's me rambling about what i ate, how I was working through situations that popped up. My attempts to start a regime of exercise. But it is rekindling that feeling of hope, that feeling of excitement within me.
Today I walked with Sherry I from over at TwoGirlsMamma. It was good for me. It was good to talk and walk with my friend of course. But it renewed me on my journey. I can do this. I can do this with a single minded focus (she remembers that single minded focus I had back then. I can do this without deprivation to myself. I can do this by modifying small things within my life. I CAN DO THIS.
You didn't hear me????? I CAN DO THIS!
One other thing I'm picking up is those first feelings that I encountered and worked through as I accepted the fact that I was fat and that I needed some help.
Some of the reading is dull and repetitive...it's me rambling about what i ate, how I was working through situations that popped up. My attempts to start a regime of exercise. But it is rekindling that feeling of hope, that feeling of excitement within me.
Today I walked with Sherry I from over at TwoGirlsMamma. It was good for me. It was good to talk and walk with my friend of course. But it renewed me on my journey. I can do this. I can do this with a single minded focus (she remembers that single minded focus I had back then. I can do this without deprivation to myself. I can do this by modifying small things within my life. I CAN DO THIS.
You didn't hear me????? I CAN DO THIS!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Little changes....profound affects
Yesterday I sat here at my job. I dipped into my lunch box and partook of my healthy fare. I munched through my banana and my green beans. I was enjoying my lunch. I always save my little 'treat' for last. Usually my treat consists of a 100 calorie pack of some variety. However, this past weekend I was grocery shopping and my eye caught the box of rice crispy treats. I looked at the price and realized that they were quite a bit cheaper. For me this is a big deal. I try to keep my grocery store trips budgeted out and as cheap as possible. So an average price of 22 cents for one rice crispy treat versus the average 50 cents of the 100 calorie pack was a nice saving. (I paid just under 9 bucks for a box of 40 rice crispy treats and I pay right around $3 for a box of six 100 calorie packs.....so my figures are based upon those numbers). Significant savings. I had the presence of mind to look at the calorie content while I was in the store. 90 calories. My thought was GREAT....right in line with what I was looking for. (Conversely I had purchased a few weeks ago the Lance Granola cracker bite things..they are delicious...but 190 calories....that's almost double what I want to spend on my little snack....no more of those bad boys for me).
So yesterday I pulled out my new snack. I ripped open the wrapper and sat here proud of myself for having had the presence of mind to check the calorie count and for buying something that was right at my snack calorie allotment. In fact, I had SAVED myself 10 calories. Not a big deal I know....10 calories. Tiny, eensy weensy, itty bitty 10 calories. I mean seriously what could I do with 10 calories. It wasn't like I could have a slice of pizza for 10 calories. It wasn't like I could drink a mixed drink for those 10 calories I saved. But then it hit me like a ton of bricks. 10 calories......365 days a year. That is 3650 calories. That is theoretically one pound a year. By a simple 10 calories a day ...10 calories that I don't miss at all. 10 calories saved simply because my delicious substitution was 10 calories less than my normal food....a no brain, no thought no worry one pound gone for the year. Couple that with another small 10 calorie change and you have two pounds gone. Snowball it and make three more.....and there are 5 pounds....it snowballs!! It really is as simple as that.
And just because I'm a bit of a geek.....one year of 100 calorie packs would cost me $182.50......the rice crispy treats...... $80.30
OK OK OK, so I don't eat a 100 calorie pack (or now a rice crispy treat) every day...they are my lunchbox treat....or an occasional quick sweet snack at home. And I also know that I would most likely get bored if I ate a rice crispy treat each and every day.....but it's the concept here folks not the logistics!!!!!
SMALL CHANGES turn into BIG RESULTS!
So yesterday I pulled out my new snack. I ripped open the wrapper and sat here proud of myself for having had the presence of mind to check the calorie count and for buying something that was right at my snack calorie allotment. In fact, I had SAVED myself 10 calories. Not a big deal I know....10 calories. Tiny, eensy weensy, itty bitty 10 calories. I mean seriously what could I do with 10 calories. It wasn't like I could have a slice of pizza for 10 calories. It wasn't like I could drink a mixed drink for those 10 calories I saved. But then it hit me like a ton of bricks. 10 calories......365 days a year. That is 3650 calories. That is theoretically one pound a year. By a simple 10 calories a day ...10 calories that I don't miss at all. 10 calories saved simply because my delicious substitution was 10 calories less than my normal food....a no brain, no thought no worry one pound gone for the year. Couple that with another small 10 calorie change and you have two pounds gone. Snowball it and make three more.....and there are 5 pounds....it snowballs!! It really is as simple as that.
And just because I'm a bit of a geek.....one year of 100 calorie packs would cost me $182.50......the rice crispy treats...... $80.30
OK OK OK, so I don't eat a 100 calorie pack (or now a rice crispy treat) every day...they are my lunchbox treat....or an occasional quick sweet snack at home. And I also know that I would most likely get bored if I ate a rice crispy treat each and every day.....but it's the concept here folks not the logistics!!!!!
SMALL CHANGES turn into BIG RESULTS!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Crunchy apple French toast
I struggle with breakfast. I do not like eggs on there own. I do not eat beef or much pork. Cold cereal leaves me famished within an hour or two. So what to eat for breakfast. I get tired of the boring mundane pancakes, waffles and French toast. So the other day I came up with this....
Ingredients
4 slices of texas toast (the thick bread)
2 eggs
1 tsp cinnamon
1/3 cup apple pie filling
1 cup cornflakes
1. Crush cornflakes and lay on a shallow plate
2. Break eggs into a bowl and add cinnamon.....beat together
3. Lay out two pieces of bread and spread each with half of the apple pie filling. Cover the pie filling with the other slices of bread, to create two sandwiches.
4. Dip the apple sandwiches into the egg mixture and then immediately press them into the cornflakes.
5. Place on a griddle or grill and grill on both sides until they are golden brown.
update: I actually prefer making this now with two regular slices of bread versus the thick texas toast style bread! Saves calories and works better!
Per Serving: 271 calories
46 carbs
6 fat
10 protein
Ingredients
4 slices of texas toast (the thick bread)
2 eggs
1 tsp cinnamon
1/3 cup apple pie filling
1 cup cornflakes
1. Crush cornflakes and lay on a shallow plate
2. Break eggs into a bowl and add cinnamon.....beat together
3. Lay out two pieces of bread and spread each with half of the apple pie filling. Cover the pie filling with the other slices of bread, to create two sandwiches.
4. Dip the apple sandwiches into the egg mixture and then immediately press them into the cornflakes.
5. Place on a griddle or grill and grill on both sides until they are golden brown.
update: I actually prefer making this now with two regular slices of bread versus the thick texas toast style bread! Saves calories and works better!
Per Serving: 271 calories
46 carbs
6 fat
10 protein
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
I want to be an ant
The other day I was sitting outside and looked down and saw that the ground nearby was being scavenged by ants. They caught my attention. I watched as some just seemed to walk aimlessly around and then I saw one. It was carrying a piece of debris that was at least 5 times it's body size. It held on and moved across the ground. I watched, fascinated by this little ant carrying something so large. The ant was relentless. It came to a piece of straw and it diligently crawled over the obstacle all the time carting his treasure on his back. It came to obstacles and crawled under them. They had to finagle sometimes to get their large treasure under these items. A few times this ant seemed to give up when they were seemingly stuck or held up and unable to move further. They let go of the piece of debris and moved away. I held my breath, saddened that this ant had worked so hard but was giving up. I wanted to pick up the item and move it for them. Instead I sat and watched. But each time they circled the item and immediately picked it back up. And each time they were able to get moving again. It was almost as if they had to stop, regroup, reconnoiter the situation and then re-attack the problem. And EACH TIME they succeeded.
What a wonderful lesson that ant taught me. Persistence. What absolute persistence. They were moving something that was HUGE (in relation to their size) over obstacles and under obstacles. They did it. Times got hard and they never gave up, they re-evaluated and continued on.
Have I been an 'ant' in my weight loss efforts? When I was losing weight readily the first time, yes I was. I had my bobbles and I sat back and looked at them and then dug right back in. I was highly successful. This time around I have adopted a very un-antlike attitude. I have resisted even picking up the piece of debris because it's 'too big' for me to handle. When I do pick it up, I carry it for a few paces until I hit my first obstacle and when I get stuck, instead of setting it down and looking at what is causing me to falter I just drop it and walk the other way.
I want to adopt the principles that I saw that ant display. I want to not be afraid to do something that seems so insurmountable. I want to not give up when I hit a speed bump. I want to persevere. I want to succeed.
I want to be an ant.
What a wonderful lesson that ant taught me. Persistence. What absolute persistence. They were moving something that was HUGE (in relation to their size) over obstacles and under obstacles. They did it. Times got hard and they never gave up, they re-evaluated and continued on.
Have I been an 'ant' in my weight loss efforts? When I was losing weight readily the first time, yes I was. I had my bobbles and I sat back and looked at them and then dug right back in. I was highly successful. This time around I have adopted a very un-antlike attitude. I have resisted even picking up the piece of debris because it's 'too big' for me to handle. When I do pick it up, I carry it for a few paces until I hit my first obstacle and when I get stuck, instead of setting it down and looking at what is causing me to falter I just drop it and walk the other way.
I want to adopt the principles that I saw that ant display. I want to not be afraid to do something that seems so insurmountable. I want to not give up when I hit a speed bump. I want to persevere. I want to succeed.
I want to be an ant.
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