Chest pains

Ok let me get the white elephant out of the room.   I’m having chest pains.   Yes..chest pains.   Is it shortness of breath?  No...just an ache.   Do I think I have Covid 19. Probably not.    Do I think I’m having a heart attack?  I don’t think so   But regardless...I have chest pains!

So what is happening.   

Before I go on, I want to say that I have experienced a period in my life before where I suffered from chest pains.  Badly enough that I ended up in the ER.    Badly enough that I visited my family doctor numerous times and had a lung function test....and a this test and a that test.  And badly enough that I visited a cardiologist for more tests.  I went back and found the post where I first started talking about this issue....way back when.    They deemed me healthy as a horse and concluded that ‘maybe it’s stress’.   The chest pains continued on and off for a few years.  And then one day...they were gone.   Is it coincidental that they disappeared when my marriage ended?   I think not!!!  

I haven’t had a single chest pain in years!!!  And then all of a sudden a week or two ago they started.  

Of course the first thought was ‘tightness of chest’, I bet I’m getting the Corona Virus!  I kept it to myself for a few days...probably wrongly so.  (We were already doing the isolation thing with me working at homes so I wasn’t foolhardy with being out and about).  But the pains didn’t worsen.   In fact, as time went by I noticed that they would come and go.  

I have even gone running and while it feels really tight while I run the tightness isn’t long term and subsides shortly thereafter.  (Hey, I’m out of shape...I expect my chest to be tight at that point).  

I finally brought it up to Jason and told him that that ‘I’m having some chest pains and I think it’s from the stress’.  I couldn’t even make it through the conversation without crying.  The stress just came bubbling forth.   I watch the news and I fight tears.  I think about what’s happening, I fight tears.   I am just super stressed!   He is worried about my ticker...but hasn’t forbidden (aka kindly asked) me to not run on my lunch breaks!  He agrees it is most likely stress and anxiety but is a bit  worried about my heart.  But we both see how it gets worse when I’m talking and thinking about everything that’s going on.

Why the stress?   Jason is off work so I’m worried about being a one income family.  I’m petrified that my mom will get sick and I’ll lose her.  I’m worried about Jason...if he gets sick he doesn’t have health insurance....would he get the treatment he needs or would they opt to give limited treatment to someone that has insurance.  The news utter depresses me, yet I can’t stay away.  So yeah...stress!

So what is my plan???  It is definitely NOT to eat myself silly!  Although I did that one day for lunch this week.  It was a day that I was feeling blah. (Stress AND monthly hormones). I just didn’t go for a lunchtime run....which left me way too much time to eat lunch...and to keep eating lunch...and keep eating...and keep eating!!

I plan on continuing to try to run on my lunch breaks.   It feels good to get outside.  It breaks up the day at work and it gives me some fresh air.   

Most importantly....I pray and keep moving forward.   This time we are in is getting a lot of us.  But I know we can make it!   We just can’t give up!!!

Corona Virus Brings Shame

As panic over the corona virus sweeps the country world I am filled with a multitude of emotions. They range from my own panic and fear, to worry about what is yet to come  and also to shame.  Yes shame!  I am ashamed...at the people around me but also a wee little bit of shame at myself.

The corona virus has started to drastically affect my personal life here in Maryland.   My work is talking about changes that they can make to reduce risks and keep the business operational.  Jason’s boss has offered some short term and long term options for him in order to stay safe.  Things are totally up in the air about our employment. 

All of these changes are concerning. Will we have a paycheck.  Will we be able to survive.  Will we be able to get groceries when we need them?  When will we get sick because let’s face it, I don’t think it’s a matter of IF we get sick, but a matter of WHEN.  And with that thought comes the worries about how hard the virus will hit me!  I’m worried my family. I’m handling the concerns though.    I took time out yesterday at lunch to walk and pray about everything that is happening in our world. 

The worry escalated for me yesterday when I was at work.  The rumors were circulating about one of the other tenants in our building.   Apparently we have had a case of the corona virus  identified in our building.    According to the rumors it was two floors below me....but we share the elevators...the lobby and the parking garage.  Now in fairness, these are rumors and one rumor stated it was only a person that had direct contact with an infected person. But I will say this the rumors came from a pretty solid source AND the other floors had virtually no one working!   The building and parking garage were empty (except for the floors my employer  rents because we were fully staffed). 

 I have  called  my mother and I have told her that she probably won’t see my face for quite a while. I’m not risking taking this to her.  She is older and has some health concerns. (Diabetes, high blood pressure, etc). So I will just keep calling her. (My brother lives across the street but I will drop stuff off if they need me to....but I will wave through the windows...because I have come a lot closer to this virus that I want my mother to come).   So there is some real concern there about my health and the health of my loved ones.  

But I am also shamed.  I am shamed at my fellow Americans.   Jason and I get groceries every other week.  So a week and a half ago we went grocery shopping.  The stores were still relatively normal at that point.  I saw some signs of an impending panic.  The soap aisle was absolutely decimated and the bread aisle was a bit sparse.    But other than that there were no visible signs of what was to come.  Jason and I had talked and we agreed to beef up our perishable grocery purchases  to have a few spare meals....but we had no panic and we only picked up enough for maybe 4 extra meals). All was still ok.   But then in the ensuing week our world went belly up nuts!   The authorities started closing schools and businesses. People went into a panic mode!   I have always laughed about the ‘snowflake affect’ that causes people to run out to the stores to buy up toilet paper and bread anytime there is a threat of snow.  But the panic of an impending snowstorm has nothing on this panic!  This has been insane!  And I am ashamed at the selfishness I have seen in people.  I have seen people walking out of grocery stores carrying 4 or 5 big packs of toilet paper!  My word! You are going to be able to wipe the butts of a family of 10 for a year with what you just bought!!  How selfish are you?  There are people that really do need toilet paper Because they legitimately ran out and now they can’t get it because you have a bedroom full of toilet paper!

I initially laughed about the toilet paper panic and come up with two solutions for the off chance that I run out of toilet paper.  The first, I’ll just hop in the shower to clean myself!  The second option is that I go back to days long ago (think long long ago when they didn’t have toilet paper or think a little more recently to cloth diapers). I will just keep a bucket with some water and clothes detergent...or borax and we will use wash clothes to clean ourselves and then put the wash cloth in the bucket until it’s time to run a load of laundry.   No biggie!   I was secure and felt fine with my options in case we somehow ran through our 10 rolls of toilet paper that were left in our big package that we had purchased weeks ago!

But then something happened.  We ran into the grocery store for our bi-weekly stop to get water and fresh fruit.  We strolled through the store just out of curiosity.  I walked by the toilet paper and I saw those three packages left and here is where my shame comes.  I couldn’t help myself.  I put one of those packs in my cart!  I don’t need toilet paper.  I estimate that we use one roll per week.  That means that we had toilet paper for roughly 3 months!  I didn’t need it!  Yet there I was buying it!   I’m ashamed at my selfishness!   Sure, it’s going to be used....eventually.  But did I really need it?   Did I conceivably take it away from someone that really did need it?  Yes!   And that is to my shame.

I’m not writing this to shame anyone that did buy 10 packs of toilet paper or 20 loaves of bread that is slowly growing mold in their kitchen.  I am writing it because this pandemic is a chance to learn about ourselves.  It is a chance to see our perseverance and will to survive.  But it is also a chance to see how we handle adversity and hardship.   I had a minor setback with my toilet paper purchase, but I want to come through this pandemic in style with grace, ethic and kindness.  I only hope the world around me decides to do the same.