Wednesday, March 06, 2019

I can’t be broken: nothing but victory

When someone talks about living a healthy lifestyle the first thought is always diet and what foods to eat.   Immediately following the thoughts of diet is exercise.  While those two aspects are indeed huge components of a healthy lifestyle there is so much more involved in a healthy lifestyle.  One of the biggest and most overlooked components is our emotions and mental state, which I touched on in one of my most recent posts when I talked about daily life stress    But beyond daily stress, what baggage do we have in our life that is hindering us in regards to achieving a healthy lifestyle?

A few weeks ago I was listening to the song ‘Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken’ by Pink.   (Lyrics and link to the song at the end of the post). I was thinking in terms of weight loss.  This weight loss journey may beat me may make me bleed and cry but it was not going to win...I would not be broken!  In the back of my mind I planned to write some (I am sure it would have been most decidedly amazing) post about the song and how it was my battle cry...and I would have victory!   The words for the post were forming in my head.  But then something happened to change my mind about the direction that I wanted this post to take!

I was driving to work a while back and the song ‘Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken’ started to play.   Naturally, I started to sing along. I knew that the song would be sticking in my head and I would probably be humming it all day long and into the weekend (as this took place on a Friday.)  I laughed a bit and knew immediately what Jason would say when he caught me singing.  What would he say?  ‘I love to hear you sing, you have such a pretty voice.’ I smiled as I thought this...simply because how lucky am I to have such an incredible man love me!    But followed upon those happy thoughts were the unpleasant memories of my previous relationship.  They were memories of the ridicule I faced when I sang and the derision I heard about my voice which could never be as good as the ‘so called professionals’ he worked with.    Wow!  Where did those memories come from was my thought!   Regardless, I kept listening to the song and woah....the words took on a whole new meaning for me!

I felt the emotions and pain of my previous relationship even as I felt the power surge through me with the thought that those experiences did not break me!  Nothing held me back!  But then all of a sudden I was sobbing.  I knew in that one clear instance on a snowy morning commute that the baggage of my ex marriage really was holding me back!   Emotionally AND with my quest for a healthy lifestyle!  Emotionally?   I DON’T sing out loud as often as I do in my head.  It is just a trained response.  ‘Don’t sing in order to to avoid ridicule’, my mind screams.  I know that there will be NO ridicule in my relationship with Jason, but the baggage is there...the damage was done.  I started singing years ago (when I left my ex) and my voice is coming back....but it’s a slow process as my mind slowly rights itself.  There are other hang-ups, some more personal, some silly and some serious, but they are there and through the love of an amazing man, I am working through them.  The baggage created in a very unhealthy relationship took up residence in my mind years ago and now I am working evict those thoughts!

That revelation was deep enough right?  Apparently not.  My mind just kept swirling and I had a startlingly clear epiphany about my weight loss efforts.  Yes, I desperately want to lose weight.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be happy.  I want to be thin. I want to wear amazing ‘thin’ clothes. (Because let’s face it, thin clothes are usually prettier and more stylish than ‘fat’ clothes.)  I want this.  BADLY.    So why am I not working my butt off (figuratively AND literally) to attain it?  The answer was clear that morning while I listened to the song.   Why not?   The answer was simple…all of this baggage creates a fear within me to change the status quo.   It’s plain and simple fear.

I lost my weight the last time to MAKE a man love me. (Which didn’t work…..and looking at what I have now….thank heavens it didn’t, I’m in a much better place and way happier than I would have EVER been in that previous relationship.)   But for so many years my head was wrapped around the idea that weight loss would ‘help’ my relationship.  Because of that thrust to lose weight to save the marriage, the weight loss and weight gains in my mind became  the reason he cheated on me.  (No matter what I was, my ex always made it clear that the ‘other way’ was better…and I DO know that he cheated because he was a just took me a while to realize that!) So that day it became clear that I fear making the changes…because if I do, I am upsetting the balance of  my current relationship and putting it at risk!   How utterly stupid am I?  

So let me think for a minute about this.  Jason has made it clear that he loves me right where I am and any weight loss/weight gain does not change who I am.  He tells me all the time that I am gorgeous to him now. He has also seen pictures of me at my lower weights and he likes what he sees there….in terms of my body.  But honestly, what he notices about the ‘thin’ pictures is NOT my weight difference.  What he notices in the old pictures is the sadness in my eyes.  Weight is NOT an issue with him.   I should have NO FEAR…he just wants to see the sparkle of happiness  in my eyes!
 So if I heed the baggage in my head I lose no weight and gain nothing.  But what happens if I banish that emotional baggage?   I gain a more healthy body.  I can have a   body that can more easily  ride the mountain bike trails on my trusty bike.  I can have a body that can more easily hike up and down mountains.   I can a body that can allow me to live a healthy and active life…with the man that only wants to make my eyes sparkle with happiness.  

Yeah, it’s time to start living to my fullest…….because Wild hearts Can’t be Broken. (Click for link to the song)

I will have to die for this I fear
There's rage and terror and there's sickness here
I fight because I have to
I fight for us to know the truth
There's not enough rope to tie me down
There's not enough tape to shut this mouth
The stones you throw can make me bleed
But I won't stop until we're free
Wild hearts can't be broken
No, wild hearts can't be broken
This is my rally cry
I know it's hard, we have to try
This is a battle I must win
To want my share is not a sin
There's not enough rope to tie me down
There's not enough tape to shut this mouth
The stones you throw can make me bleed
But I won't stop until we're free
Wild hearts can't be broken
No, wild hearts can't be broken
You beat me, betray me
You're losing, we're winning
My spirit above me
You cannot deny me
My freedom is burning
This broken world keeps turning
I'll never surrender
There's nothing, but a victory
There's not enough rope to tie me down
There's not enough tape to shut this mouth
The stones you throw can make me bleed
But I won't stop until we're free
Wild hearts can't be broken
Wild hearts can't be broken
This wild heart can't be broken


Sarah said...

Absolutely amazing. This may be your best post yet. Both for you and for me.

jesseybell said...

Big hugs to you!
Focus on the "why" that you described - the ability to hike and bike and do those things that you guys love to do together, not to buy prettier clothes in any store you want - yes, those are great things too, but shift to the focus as spring approaches and you'll be happier to be able to do those things better - the prettier clothes will come with time, but the fitness can happen way before then.

Stained Glass Butterfly said...

I actually never heard that song before. Her voice is amazing on that song. Who doesn't love Pink, though?

Ugh, I remember trying so hard to lose weight, thinking it would save my previous marriage. I cringe now that that was my focus, instead of moving on to a better life. I should have known that someone who made me feel like altering my appearance was pivotal to our relationship, was not a good person for me to be with!

Wendy said...

Beautiful post. We all have emotional baggage, and for some of us, yes, it is heavy. Becoming aware of it is just step one, it can be a long process to shedding it, or learning to live better with it, at least for some of us. But awareness is huge, we can do nothing without that.
Big hugs to you! You are lovable and worthy, just as you are, right this minute. <3

MaryFran said...

Thank you! It was a hard one to hit the button to let the world see...for sure!!!

MaryFran said...

Thanks for the great advice! I am slowly shifting to ‘I just want to be healthy’. And the weight and clothes size will follow!

MaryFran said...

Isn’t it amazing what our minds begin to accept as ‘normal’ when in an unhealthy relationship!!! I am soooo glad both of us have found happiness and partners that are awesome!!!

MaryFran said...

Thank you! It gasbag takes me a while to get to this spot...but here I am!!!

TheAgonyOfBeingFat said...

I hate that you were treated so badly. You certainly don't deserve that :( Thank God you are experiencing a loving relationship now! I'm glad you're learning to overcome the negativity. Hopefully it'll go away completely one day.

Scooter Hussy said...

You've hit on something very important - real love does not have qualifications and doesn't vary based on the physical appearance of one partner.
I was in a terrible verbally abusive relationship many years ago. I can relate - I tried to change so many things about my body when I was with that person, thinking it would make him love me more. It didn't.
Jason sounds like an amazing guy!

jen said...

What a wonderful post.
I am thrilled you have found Jason, you sure have a winner in him.

Grace said...

This was a very brave and thoughtful post.
Your relationship with Jason reminds me a bit of mine with my husband vs the one with my first husband. The first was was so sick and this one is so healthy.
We both deserve to be happy and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be thin, but we need to want it for ourselves. Not to please anyone else. go GIRL! :-)

MaryFran said...

I hope and pray if goes away totally also!

MaryFran said...

So sorry to hear that you have experienced a bad relationship also!!!

And yes..Jason is amazing! :-)

MaryFran said...

I’m hanging on tight to him!!!

MaryFran said...

I’m so glad you found happiness in your current relationship!!!

And yes..this post definitely took every ounce of bravery I had to post! I almost didn’t post it!!