Slaying the beast...day three

Here we go!  Halfway through the week!  Lets get this show on the road and make it to the weekend!   I will say that I am looking forward to the weekend!  Sadly, it is just a normal short weekend and not a longer one like last weekend.  But that’s ok.  The weather is supposed to be FANTASTIC and we have some ideas of how to utilize that fantastic weather. (Amidst the normal errands and chores!)

It is day three of the new month.  I came home all fired up to absolutely slay the beast of obesity this month and show a victory.  (Or at least make positive inroads to slayong the beast, because it will take me multiple months!).  I vowed to hit the month hard from day one.   I had plans!

I have not hit it as hard as I would have liked.  BUT, I have not gone on a binge or anything. 

Exercise…..this one has not started off strong.  I did NOT walk on my lunch break.  I also did NOT walk or run or ride my bike after work like I had planned to do (my mind comes up with all sorts of fantastic plans for activities!)    It was cold!   That kept me from my lunch walks.  It also made me get home and just curl up under a blanket (ok maybe it wasn’t that cold) and stay inside.     The weather is turning though and it is supposed to be in the mid 60’s at lunchtime today.  I am heading out!   It should also still be pretty nice when I get home.  I PLAN to get out after work tonight.  A walk?  A bike ride?  A run?  I don’t know what yet.  Some of that will depend on Jason.  If he wants to ride or go for a walk that will be the activity I do.  If not, I am VOWING to run!     With no lunch time or after work walks, my step count for the first two days is woefully lacking.  And yes, I am so embarrassed to admit that my goal for the month is only 150,000 steps…that is ONLY 5000 steps a day.  Even more embarrassing is the fact that I am so sedentary at this point that getting 5K steps a day is a stretch.  I am currently running 3500 steps behind after the first two days.    But with nicer weather  I should be able to catch up quickly!

Eating……I haven’t done too badly on this one.  I have remained within my goal range for my caloric intake (I aim for between 1200 and 1550 a day).  I have been closer to the top end of the range both days, but I’m ok with that.  I know that I need to work on getting my calories toward the lower end at least a few days a week.  But in the meantime, I’m happy with where I’m at.

Water Intake…….I did fabulously over the weekend.  I have struggled these first two days of the month.  Today is the day to change that also!  

Weight…..My weight isn’t too bad.  I was happy with where I was at the beginning of the month (in comparision to where I was mid month in March).   My weight has shifted up a bit the last two days.  That however could be also caused by the lack of water consumption.  I have woke up both of the last two days thirsty…which is historically not a good sign for my weight.

April is here……It is time to slay this weight and get my life…my healthy living life back on track!  Next time I’m at the beach I am going to be fit!!!  But for now I will treasure the memories of this last trip!!!

A much needed respite

Wow!   I can’t even begin to say how badly I needed this past weekend!!!   Work has been a bit on the crazy side lately (I have been involved in launching a new program...so nothing is set in stone, everything changes on a daily basis...no it changes on an hourly basis, and so many things have no answer yet.  I am a person that likes to know what I’m doing, so the uncertainty has been stressful!  Jason likewise has had some upheaval in his job....so the weekend was soooooo badly needed!   I could literally feel the stress and worry when I woke up on Friday...and I could feel it fall away as we relaxed!

FRIDAY

We woke up at the normal ‘work time’ and just relaxed on the couch and  slowly finished packing.  I munched on a bowl of Cheerios for breakfast.  Optimally, we would have gotten an early start out the door but the first part of our trip would take us through Washington DC (via the road of my daily commute) or via a different route that would take us closer to Baltimore.  Both routes would be full of harried commuters on their way to work.  Yeah, we do that enough when we work...so we decided to sit at home and relax and just leave at 8....and without the rush hours traffic we would get there the same time as if we had left earlier!   Worked like a charm...the drive was uneventful!

We arrived and parked at the hotel.  It was around noon and check in was at 4pm. I popped in to see if we could leave our car parked in the lot (At one place we stayed down at the ocean we could not park our car there earlier than check in and they would no allow us to park there a minute after check out...even during off season....we haven’t stayed there since!!). Luckily for us, this place said ‘sure and while you are at it, your room is ready if you want to check in now!!!  Well of course I wanted, and of course we did!!  It was perfect because it allowed us to split up the afternoon between bike riding and walking (since we checked in we could walk knowing that the bikes were secure in the room!)

We hopped on the bikes at first!   

We headed down to the inlet first.  Then back up the boardwalk.  Then back down to the inlet...where I got a small Thrasher’s Fry (a boardwalk delicacy!). I ate probably about 3/4 of that (maybe a bit less).  Why did I not eat the whole thing?  Believe me, it wasn’t because I had will power...part of the charm of Thrasher’s for me is feeding the birds!!!     When I was finished I told the birds to go find their next target and I hopped back on my bike.  Up the length of the boardwalk we went again!  Northbound riding was fantastic...away from the wind.   But southbound I really had to push to ride against that wind!!!!  While riding we noticed a ‘perimeter’ set up in one spot on the beach and what  looked like ‘guards’ on each edge of the perimeter.  People had cameras and were taking pictures.   Odd!  Finally my curiosity got the best of me.  Jason watched the bikes and I trucked  across the sand to see what was up! 

Apparently seals will ‘haul out’ of the water for various reasons.  In this area they usually only haul out if they are in distress.  Apparently most of the time they just need to rest.  (If they are sick or injured they get them and drive them up the coast to a rehabilitation area.  The volunteer told me sometimes they only rest for 2 or 3 hours but they have had a seal ‘rest’ for 6 days before leaving the area.   Seals are a protected animal.   So a group of volunteers will set up a perimeter and stand guard to insure that the seals and humans and animals on the beach are safe.  (Sorry, I haven’t had a chance to get the really good pics off the good camera, the camera with an excellent zoom...so you get a cell phone pic!)

Jason and I jumped on our bikes and headed back to the hotel.  We decided to walk back to the seal resting area to get some pictures and take some time to pop into some of the stores and sites along the boardwalk.

We walked into the room and Jason said ‘holy cow, look at this’!

This bird stayed on our balcony rail, with our balcony door open and talked to us for at least 15 minutes. Jason would mimic its sounds and it would answer back.  We were only able to watch him from inside the room.  I found a packet of sunflower seeds in our bags and the bird was going to get  a nice nutritious snack!  Finally we left the room.  We could tell that the bird really wanted the seeds but wouldn’t eat much while we were there. Plus we had a seal haul out to attend!

We walked back to the seal area and checked out the seal!   After grabbing a few pictures we headed back down the boardwalk on foot!  For the next two hours we roamed on foot.  The restaurant that we wanted to eat at (Bull on the Beach) was closing at about 5 PM....(remember it’s off season so we were just happy that they were open). So we ordered our food.  Sandwich rolls on the side please. And we carted it back to our hotel room to heat up later for dinner.  Also on our walk we picked up two big buckets of popcorn. (Caramel and cheddar cheese). (If you have been to OC, Maryland...Fishers Popcorn). We ALSO stopped at Dolles Candyland and each picked out some chocolate for a sweet treat!

So for dinner I ate a beef sandwich and coleslaw, I had some popcorn and I had some chocolate.   I feel like I ate a ton!  But I never felt ‘stuffed and sick’. I never even felt full!   I did eat it in stages.  I ate the sandwich first.  Then I waited a bit before I dove into the popcorn.  I then waited a bit before eating any chocolate.   And right before we went to bed (probably an hour after the chocolate) I ate another handful of popcorn.  I was purposefully doing that in order to give my body time to tell me to stop!!!  I kept saying ‘I just still feel hungry!’

We cranked the heat up high and threw open the door to the balcony......and crawled into bed!  Ahhhh. Sleep was wonderful with the natural sound of the waves rolling in!!!  Just for the record, We chose our ocean front rooms carefully...at the hotel we stayed at this time the balconies are cantilevered little half circles and at least 5 feet or more from the balcony of the next room...and we are the top floor!  So while not impossible for someone to come into our room via the balcony....it is highly unlikely!

Roughly 2.5 hours of bike riding and about 2 -3 hours of walking for the day. (And just for the record...this one day of walking allowed me to say that I completed my step goal for March....the one I talked about in my last post ). While I ate candy and popcorn...and fries my food intake was under control and not a free for all!  I actually ended the day a bit hungry...just not able to feel satisfied! Upon tracking my food I found that I was only barely over my goal range (1200 to 1500.) and then on top of that add in all that activity...yeah I did good with my numbers but no wonder I was hungry...when I look at my net calories for the day I had quite a few more calories I could have eaten...as in just in the exercise alone I burned 1800 calories...above and beyond what I burn just through normal living. And on that day I didn’t eat any of those extra calories!

SATURDAY

I woke up early and laid in bed basking in the peaceful sounds of the crashing surf! Ahhhhh. That is the life!  I managed to write my recap for Friday (above) and was ready to hop out of bed when the sun started peaking over the horizon!

We showered and relaxed a bit...this was a mini vacation, we wanted active time but also relaxing time!  Finally we set off.  It was still chilly so we set off on foot.  We walked for hours!   Literally!   From 9am or so until about 4pm.    

I grabbed a breakfast sandwich. (Sausage egg and cheese croissant).  We checked out the seal who was still on the beach!  (Wish I could have gotten closer, but apparently a law keeps you 50 yards away.). We checked out various stores.  We enjoyed the beach. 

I was feeling a bit confused because I was feeling hungry and I had just had breakfast.  But then I looked at my watch and low and behold it was 1PM!   Where did the morning go!   I was scanning for something to eat and saw the ice cream place....oh yeah, I did!  I had a chocolate sprinkle waffle cone with vanilla ice cream....covered in sprinkles!!  

Sprinkles make the world a better place!   And yeah....that WAS my lunch!!!

We walked some more.  Around 2 Jason looked at me and remarked that he had developed a hot spot on his foot.  We immediately headed back to our hotel to rest our weary feet and check out our hot spots/blisters.  Yup, I had a blister too (on the bottom of my middle toe of all places)!   We sat on the balcony enjoying life when our friend came back...and got so much closer to us this time...literally 3 feet from us...no zoom needed today!

We rested for a bit and then headed out to pick up the few things at some stores that we knew we wanted to take home.  (It was calling for rain on Sunday and we wanted to make sure that we had made our purchases so that we didn’t have to walk forever in the rain on Sunday before we left.). So what did we buy?   An ornament for our Christmas tree.  Some more chocolate.  And a new pet!   Yes we got another hermit crab.

  We have two tanks going at home.  One for the two small crabs and one for a big crab that I rescued about 6 months ago.  The big crab is healthy but rather ‘depressed’....we have tried to put him in the tank with the smaller crabs but it just isn’t working yet because of the size discrepancy.  Crabs are social.  So we are hoping another crab will help ‘big boy’.  The crab we got is rather large (double the size of ‘big boy’...and he is feisty and not overly afraid of us.  Our hearts melted with this jumbo sized crab...he was healthy looking and had obviously just molted.  You could tell that he hadn’t been in captivity for long...at least not in the cage that he was currently housed in!  Honestly the cages they keep the crabs in are horrendous and NOT at all conducive to life for these crabs!  (I’m not talking about quality of life...I’m talking the wire/mesh cages are not suitable for a hermit crab for any length of time and will eventually lead to health problems and death.  I would buy every crab and set them free on an island if I could...but I can’t so we just saved one!). 

After we made our purchases we went back to our room. It was about 5pm but we were DONE!  We let our crab roam a bit on the floor.  We moved the couch and sat looking at the ocean and chit chatted and enjoyed each other’s company.  We watched tv.  We ordered delivery because we were too whipped to head out the door another time!!!  Delivery was pizza and chicken tenders for me (Pizza and calamari for jason). Oh and some chocolate! 

What a good day!  Lots of activity.  My calories were a bit higher!  Right under 2000 for the day.  I didn’t have quite the deficit of calories that day...but I’m good with what I ate.  I didn’t go to bed hungry!  I also didn’t stuff myself and feel ill.  (And I had self control with the chocolate....only three small pieces!) I felt good!

SUNDAY

The day to go home. Boooooo!  But of course we were excited to get our new crab home and in a quarantine tank....a tank where he could be somewhat comfortable, small for him but with everything he needed to be comfortable (not a wire mesh cage that we transported him home in!) until we deem him safe to mingle with his new buddy!

We started the day with another sunrise. 

A nice lazy morning in the room enjoying the views....and trying to not think about going back to the rat race!!

We headed out on our bikes this morning and rode.   We grabbed an early lunch (fries again) and just enjoyed the ocean views and the wind in our faces as we rolled down the boardwalk.  It was colder so we were wearing our winter jackets and my jacket took a hit when it got caught on something on my bike and ripped!  Shucks...it was new this year too!  Oh well!

We rode until it started to rain!   (Which we knew was forecasted). Cold rain....so we fled back to the car and headed home.  It was time anyway.  Boooo!

The ride home was uneventful....but we both talked about the dread of returning to work.   Man, we need a ‘normal/long’ vacation!!!

Overall...what an active weekend!   I closed out March very positive.  While my food may have been a bit higher, it was not outrageously high!  (2000 calories was the highest day but add in 8 miles of walking and a couple hours of biking and I think that day evened out!).  I’m home and while I don’t want to return to work, I’m ready to get my health back on track and get my fitness levels up and my weight down!  Bring it on!!!!

End of month: a little early

I want to thank everyone for your kind words and encouragement on my last post.  It is so easy to get discouraged when we see the evidence of our ‘missteps’ in our quest for healthy living.  It is so easy to slip back into the emotions of ‘learned thoughts’.  It is very hard to get rid of baggage and to not expect the past to repeat itself.  I am a work in progress…..it’s difficult….but I’m working on it!

 

I am going to close out my month of March right here and now. Yup, right here on March 29th I am going to post my month end goal results.   I’m doing this for a few reasons.  I like to think that these reasons  are quite valid and real!   Now don’t worry.  Just because I’m closing out the month and reporting on the month, I’m not giving up….I will still be completing these habits over the next few days.  So now, let’s get to the reasons.

1.       This morning Jason and I are heading to the Ocean for a three day weekend.  I KNOW that I will be eating foods a bit higher in calories.  But I also know that I will be active as all get out.  (Just remember that after we spent some time at the beach last October t at I wrote about how tired and achy I was from all the activity…. Jason was suffering from a cold that whole time and we were STILL active!).

2.       I won’t have time to do a big end of month goal recap before the new month rolls around.

3.       My post when I get back will be filled (hopefully) with pictures and tales of fun activities that we did over the weekend…I don’t want to have a post that is forever long!

4.       This is the most important one……March was not a pretty month in terms of my healthy living.   I want to roll into April and make that first post of the month absolutely positive….I want to start it out with a positive bang!  Recapping the negative month of March will detract from the hope and promise that I have for April!  (How much more positive can I start out the month of April then by recapping an active weekend at the beach!)

So there you have it, the reasons why I am posting my month end recap on Friday March 29^th!

At the beginning of this month I set up some goals for myself. 

1.       Track every bite of food.  I failed on this one.  I THOUGHT I had tracked every bite of food but one day I went back and realized that I had missed a day.  OOPS.   However, I did not let this stop me.  I have faithfully tracked every other day of this month.  I WILL be tracking my food whilst at the ocean.  I know that some of my foods will be a bit higher and I expect my calorie count to reflect that.  But that’s ok too.  This is learning to live life with balance and grace.

2.       Put money into savings.  WIN!  It was actually easier because my pay raise for my promotion hit my checkbook.  My plan is to not spend that extra money, but to instead bank it.

3.       Weigh less than I do now.  Well…….as of today, it’s pretty much a maintain….and that’s not good, it SHOULD be a loss.    I’m not going to stress about it though….I’m waiting for the TOM to get out of my system so the numbers are a bit skewed.  

4.       Do something active (even just a walk) at least three times a week.  I failed this one miserably.  I had two weeks in the middle of the month where I was spot on with walking at lunch and evening walking/riding my bike and activity but then that behavior kind fell away.  I know that the lunch walks will happen as the weather gets warmer!   We did manage to get some activity during the weekends also….

A snowy hike

A sunny walk 

A nice bike ride

5.       Keep my calories within my caloric range at least 6 days a week…with an emphasis to get to the low end of that range as often as possible.  The first part of the month was miserable and I was at the high end or over my caloric range most days.  I did clean it up quite a bit in the latter part of the month…enough to recoup the weight that I gained in the first two weeks!

6.       Step goal on Fitbit.  150,000 steps for the month.  I SHOULD be able to hit this one.  I only have to get 5k steps each of the three days that we are at the ocean.  EASY!  (Seriously, we usually park the car when we first arrive and don’t get back in the car until the day we go home!)

So there you have it.  My March in all its ugly glory!

I am planning the same exact goals for April.  Nothing different, nothing out of this world crazy, the exact same goals!  And at the end of April, I WILL be writing a victorious post!

Emotion alert: self worth takes a bite

I wrote a blog post today. It was heart wrenching, at least for me. I don’t know if I could call it profound, but it came from my heart. The problem? It was rambling and not clear and concise. So I’m going to try to paraphrase the idea in a nice short post.

I saw a picture of myself from 18 months ago. I was disgusted. My face looked so thin in relation to what it is now. Wow, I knew I had gained weight but it really hit home when I saw that picture. 

When I saw the picture my immediate thought went to my self-worth. You see, like most people in our society deep down I still tie self-worth to my size. I know that who I am has nothing to do with my weight. It has to do with the size of my heart, my compassion, my sense of humor, my ethics. But yet those negative thoughts still coming to my mind on occasion. When they do I can’t hope but question so many things. Things like:

 Am I good enough to be loved? When will they decide im unlovable because of my weight???   Am I worthy of even having friends? Am I good enough to get another job promotion??  I’m sure you know the thoughts and emotions… I know that some of my emotions are derived from the baggage of my previous marriage that I actually talked about a few weeks ago.    Furthermore and maybe most importantly,  I know that these negative emotions are invalid.

The negative emotions make me want to knuckle down and lose every ounce of this excess weight. After all, if I lose the weight then my self worth and value increases right? But let me backtrack and remind myself and anyone reading this that those emotions are invalid...my self worth is NOT tied to my weight.   So then I sit back and say the opposite thing.  Why bother losing weight because I certainly never want to lose weight to make someone love me...or be friends with me.   Been there done that!

I need to lose weight because I want to.  I need to do it because I see the worthiness in living a healthy lifestyle.  I need to do it because my knees ache and that is unacceptable to ME!   I need to do it for ME...because I want the benefits.  I will still be the same compassionate, caring, goodball girl if I lose the weight.  My self worth won’t change, what will change is the activities I will be capable of doing!!!

(So earlier you got the thinner faced me from 18 mo this ago...here is the current...see the difference!!)

First day of a short week!!!

It’s Monday!  Let’s get this show on the road!   I want to get the next four days over with!!!  Why?  Ahhhhh. A three day weekend...and we are heading to the sounds of the surf and the scent of salt air wafting over us!  Yup, we head to the beach for a three day weekend....as soon as we get a few days of work under our belts!

My weekend was busy and relaxing all rolled into one.   We did our grocery shopping, visited family, ran errands, cleaned the house good (I’m talking windows and everything!) and went for a long bike ride! 

So let’s talk about the bike ride first.   We hit the canal.  Nice and mostly flat...relatively easy for my knees!    My knees did great while we rode.  Oh wait, maybe I just couldn’t feel the pain of my knees through the ache in my butt!   Yeah, my butt lost it’s comfort on the saddle ....it will get accustomed to it again though!   But seriously, my knees did great on the ride!   My knees even did ok through the evening after the ride.  A bit achy...but pretty good!  However, my thighs that evening were not so great! Ouch!!!  Today they seem to be doing ok...one night of rest and those muscles are almost back to normal...but better for having been used!

I’m happy to see that my knees survived.  Because we ARE going to the beach for a few days.  When we go, we rode and walk a LOT!!!  (Well if we take our bikes we ride a lot!  And we are planning on having our bikes with us!).   Are my muscles and knees ready for this???  I know it will push me to my limits...but that’s ok!

My eating this weekend? Well it could have been better...but it wasn’t totally horrible!  Just not ‘great’.  Back to the work week, which is usually my strong time!   And I already know that next weekend will have indulgences!   Luckily next weekend will included lots of activity to offset those indulgences!

So long story short.  I held on by the skin of my teeth this weekend.  My weight has fluctuated within 1-2 pounds.  My food was so so...and activity...nailed it with my bike ride!!!!

A Forever Lifestyle

Here we are, another Friday….my work week is almost done.  I am so looking forward to the weekend (do I sound like a broken record?).   The week has flown by and the weekend promises to fly by even faster.  (Why do weekends disappear so quickly?).  Anyway, I figured that it was the perfect time to do a check in and to see where I am at.

First let me say that I have been a goddess in the kitchen this week.  Ok, well…maybe not a goddess….but I have experimented quite a bit.  We eat at home almost every night except Fridays.  Fridays the kitchen is CLOSED…it is delivery night!  But that means that I cook a fair amount.   But this week I turned up the burners and really exerted myself on some new recipes.  On Wednesday night I made a Hamburger Casserole.  It was Italian in nature with Italian seasonings, hamburger, cheese and egg noodles. (The recipe didn’t call for it but I added a hogs load of garlic and hot pepper flakes!).   It was a winner; however we have both discussed one or two tweaks that would make it over the top delicious.  Chalk up a win for me!   On Tuesday night  I made a Turkey Rice dish.  It sounded good on paper.  I even doubled the garlic (hey, we like garlic so I almost always double the garlic in a recipe).  Yet the dish was BLAND BLAND BLAND!   It was edible…but we resorted to various techniques to make it something that we wanted to eat (I utilized a bottle of honey mustard….Jason utilized a bottle of hot sauce.) fail!! On Monday night I finally used the spiralizer that my mom gave me a month or two ago.  I made zucchini noodles and served that with garlic steak bites.  This was DELICIOUS!  It will definitely be on the meal rotation again …and soon!

My eating has been pretty spot on.  I’ve been doing really well.  I’ve been down at the low end of my calorie goal range most days.  It’s been hard for sure and  the after work snack has been a problem spot for me. (This problem is not new.....as evidenced in this previous post !).   But I’m managing regardless! 

On Thursday I packed my lunch.  It was a typical lunch, mostly fruits and some protein.  All morning I debated with myself.  I debated the merit of not eating my lunch and going to the cafeteria instead.  I debated eating my fruit and going to the cafeteria anyway.  I went back and forth!  It was a brutal battle in my mind!    I didn’t go to the cafeteria.  However, I did pull out the Reece’s Pieces that I have in my desk drawer.  I have been SO good about them.  I literally count out a portion on my napkin and put the container away (out of sight, out of mind) and I nibble on my 10-16 pieces all afternoon.  (How many pieces have been dependent on how many calories I have available in my day’s food budget.)  I eat them one at a time….SLOWLY.  I have done this every day this week and have been victorious....until yesterday.  I was so victorious over the cafeteria debate that I decided to pull out the Reece’s for a few nibbles during my afternoon.  SOMEHOW, in my celebratory haze over my cafeteria victory I sat the open container in front of me instead of counting out my portion.  I BROKE MY OWN RULE!  I failed miserably! Yes, I ate every last one that was left!  I ate probably about 30-40 …..much more than I normally eat!  Oops….Still equal to or less than a full serving (51 pieces is apparently a serving size)…but too many for me!    What’s worse?  I have no more for Friday.  It was really working to ration them out and have a bit each day.  Oh well…today I suffer! I will NOT buy more!!!

I have been able to walk most days.  The rain held me up on Thursday.  There was also one day that I just felt chilled to the bone and couldn’t see myself going out into the cold blustery day and walking in 40 degrees temps.  But I’m doing it!

 

My weight is slowly dropping.  SOOOO slowly!  I want fast!  I want speedy!  But that’s not how it is working for me.  And you know what?  That’s ok.  I haven’t given up anything I love.  Afterall, I was nibbling on Reece’s Pieces all week long.   I’m managing.  I’m making this work and not feeling deprived.  I’m LIVING LIFE in a healthy way!  And slow is ok.  Slow will still get me where I want to go.  Slow will give me a chance to LEARN and the more I learn, the better the odds that I can make this a ‘forever’ lifestyle. 

 

Perceptions: our warped ‘healthy outloook’ thinking

I have been thinking a lot recently about perceptions.   More specifically, I have been thinking a lot about my perception of myself.  My weight has fluctuated a lot over the years.  I have been as high as 320 pounds and as low as 175 and I have been everywhere in between. I have been fit.  I have been not fit.  I have been fat.  I have been thin.  I can see the whole lifecycle and all of these changes….NOW.  But when I look back, I have had a totally warped sense of who and what I am.

When I was 320 pounds, I didn’t see myself as a larger gal.  I was just me and I saw myself as a normal size.  I originally got swept into the weight loss race by friends at work…an accountability group.  I stayed in the race as an effort to make my then-spouse desire and love me. (STUPID move on my end!)  But I did not have any perception that I was overweight.  Looking back, how utterly crazy!  There I was  wearing size 22 and 24 (bursting at the seams) and I didn’t feel fat!  Looking back, I know that my perception of myself was WAY off.  I was severely overweight!

I worked my tail end off and made it to my goal weight and something  crazy happened.  While I never felt fat before, I at that point began to see myself as fat!  How insane is that?  I could not see my weight loss in the mirror.  I was now thin (I’m going to call size 10 thin) but I felt like I was fat.  My perception was WAY off again. 

As I have gained weight, I have felt the weight.  I can see myself as overweight.  But I can see how thin I was just a few  years ago.  My perception of myself is, I think;  pretty spot on at the moment.   (Surprising isn’t it?)

I just realized the other day that my perceptions about my fitness levels were pretty warped also. 

When I was severely overweight, I thought I was pretty fit and active.  I still rode a bike.  So I was fit right???  I thought so!! 

I didn’t really exercise TOO heavily when I was losing weight.  I was only sporadic with my exercise when I was at my lowest.  But the whole time, I thought that I was fit.  I thought I was fit when I was big and I thought that I was fit when I was small.  My perception was way off!

But, as I started to regain the weight I continued with the exercise and in fact, even picked up more and more activities. (Looking back, some were in an effort to lose weight but a lot were in an effort to drown the sorrow of a sad and pitiful relationship.)  I didn’t see myself as fit at that point.  But I remember weekend mornings where I would get up and go run 3-5 miles at the battlefield and when I got back to my car I would eat a banana to refuel while I waited for my friend to arrive for our weekly walk.  I would then walk at least 3 miles with that friend.  I would THEN go home and clean the house, work in the yard and maybe go out for a bike ride or some other activity later in the day.    Even when I met Jason.  I would go for a run in the morning go back and push mow the yards (an hour worth of activity) go inside and shower and then head out to go hiking with jason.  ACTIVE and fit!  But I didn’t see it in myself. I thought I was a slug. 

This active lifestyle was emphasized in a recent time hop picture that popped up on my facebook page.  It was originally posted on a Wednesday.  I had apparently only worked half a day (which happened every other Wednesday at that job).  So I went for a long walk…..went for a run….and then hit up Zumba.  (I wonder if it was a night where I did a double class…two hours….because I frequently did back to back classes on my half days!).      But I remember thinking that I was fat and unfit…because I didn’t weigh the ‘perfect weight’ and I didn’t look like a string bean.    But seriously.  That was an ACTIVE day!  I remember those days and they didn’t faze me….I rolled through them with a smile on my face!  My perception of my fit level was WAY off.  I was fit!

The time hop picture that made me see?   

 I want that fit level back!  I don’t want the exact saying back….because I don’t want Todd back!!!!  But I DO want to be able to say “I hiked with Jason, then went for a run and just because I then went to Zumba” 

Maybe, just maybe I had to regain the weight to actually learn to see myself for exactly what I am.  I see the difference between where I am now.  I had to lose that fitness before I recognized it!  I had to regain the weight before I recognized it.   Maybe this was for me a vital step to truly becoming healthy and fit physically AND mentally/emotionally!!!

It is all interconnected: this is not just about my food intake

The foot bones connected to the....I just want to sing that song as I wrote and edit this post!!!

Everything in life is interconnected.  I used to only write about food and exercise.  But I slowly started adding other stuff.  While it made my blog much more interesting  (probably) it also was done because I started to see how other aspects of my life were playing a role in my quest for health...it isn’t just a simple thing of food and exercise. 

Our romantic relationships play a part.  

Our work environments play a part.

Our families affect our quest for health.

Sooo many things affect our quest for a healthier lifestyle.

Now you may think I’m a slow learner, but it never before clicked in my head that it’s a two way street.  Those things affect my healthy living.   But did you know that my healthy living (or lack there of)  affects those things also??

I have for MONTHS been struggling with sleep.  I fall asleep just fine.  But come around 2 or 3 in the morning I find myself wide awake and I can’t get back to sleep!  On weekdays it’s annoying because I don’t have to wake up until between 5 and 5:30. (So am waking an average of two hours early). But it is infuriating on the weekends!  When it is 5 or 6 hours before I would probably normally wake up!  I tried it all the tricks in the book.  I had almost just accepted it as the new norm.  (Grudgingly so!). And I rejoiced on the occasional nights where I slept the whole way through!  But then this arthritis knee pain recommenced and the fear sparked me to get my butt moving.  All I have done is add a one or two mile walk or a short 5 mile bike ride.  (On weekdays and whatever comes up on the weekends.). But EVERY night since I have started, I have slept without that struggle.  Oh yeah, I may have had one or two nights where I woke up, but I fell back to sleep.  Even on the weekend...I didn’t awaken for good until 6am!  I count that as a victory!  The only change...exercise!

So the weekend is behind me.  (They go too fast). I actually did very well with my food!   I was careful and chose my foods wisely.   I stopped and made myself sit for a while before getting a second helping.   I really did good.  I am starting to see changes on the scale.  My knees, well they still hurt but it’s not the horrible ache!   Even after a four  plus mile walk on the canal!  Yes my leg was tired and achy but it wasn’t the horrible pain!  

The good news on the walk?  We saw signs of spring!   Frogs were chirping!   Turtles were sunning themselves!   Dare I hope spring is here to stay???

Mid month check in: it’s UGLY

 

I can hardly believe that we are midway through the month of March!  How crazy is that?  Time is just flying!   I am so happy to see spring arrive!  I get tired of the dark cold of winter!   So I figured that this week for my Friday post I will touch base on all that has happened in the month of March thus far  and see what I have been doing in terms of healthy living.

Before we go any further, let me say that I am in complete despair!  A few days ago I mentioned my knee hurting.  It was really bad last Friday and while I have had moments of if feeling ‘ok’, I have also had moments of constant horrible pain with it.   I know arthritis.  I know that I have two things that I need to do with all due haste.  I know that I need to lose weight!  I need to do this sooner rather than later.  I also know that I need to exercise.  It sounds counterintuitive to exercise and use the painful knee, but I KNOW that exercise will help in the long run.   I have taken some healthy steps toward those two things in the last few days, and I AM proud of myself.  HOWEVER, yesterday morning I was in the car on the way to work.  (Why do I have these deep thoughts in the car during my commute…..the other week it was during my commute and listening to Pink ..ohhh my, I was listening to Pink again today…maybe it’s not the commute, but rather the music of Pink!  I know I used to say that I had better runs when I listened to her music while running….maybe….)  I was driving and rubbing my aching knee and I had the most despairing fearful thought.  What if?  What if I had dodged the bullet with my arthritic knees the last time by losing the weight.  But what if that was only a one time ‘pass’.  What if the damage this time was permament?  What if losing weight would not fix the problem?  What if exercise had no bearing on managing the pain?   What if I was destined to live a life of pain in my knee for the rest of my life.   How would I survive that?   Was it too late?  How many free passes does one get in their life for something like this?   (And let me be clear….when I lost the weight it didn’t go away….it was just greatly reduced and quite a bit more manageable.)  By all things that are holy, these thoughts scared the living daylights out of me.  I’m NOT giving up!  I am going to try to fix this as soon as possible to try to minimize any long term damage that is currently happening.  I am going to push forward with the assumption that my efforts WILL be the change needed to get back to a more manageable level of arthritis.  I’ve got this!

 

So March.  In terms of my health it certainly came in like a lion!  I had set some monthly goals for myself for the month of March.

They are as follows:

1.        Track every bite of food

2.       Put money into the savings

3.       Weigh less 

4.       Do something active three times a week

5.       Keep my calories within my caloric range at least 6 days a week

6.       5000 steps a day.

A few days ago I sat down with my stats and I was APPALLED at my efforts for the month.  I’m telling you, the month came in like a Lion (now I just need to make it go out like a lamb).   I have always been brutally honest so here it is…the good (better look hard to find that), the bad (lots of that to see) and the ugly (oh yeah, it’s ugly).

1.        Tracking my food each and every day.  I THOUGHT that I had done this spectacularly.  But when I went to input my information onto my day planner (One place for all my information, so I transcribe the info from my various apps)  I found that on march 5 I failed to track anything at all.  I figured this out on Tuesday….a week later.  There was no way I remembered what I had eaten on Tuesday, so that is a total loss!    On the good side, I DID track every other day!

2.       Money into savings.  Ding ding ding.  I did this!

3.       Weigh less.  Uhhhh not happening.  I have fluctuated and have been most of the time at the high end of the fluctuation....so three pounds over my beginning of the month weight.  (It is starting to drop this week as I have really buckled down)

4.       Do something active.  My first 9 days of the month I did NOTHING!   I have done better this past week! (The fear about my knee spurred me forward.)

5.       Keep my calories within my caloric range at least 6 days a week.  In the first 9 days of the month, I was within my goal range only 3 times (maybe 4 since I didn’t track…but I better just say 3 times).  So a colossal failure!  That should have been 7 or 8 days of being within goal! (Once again this week I was scared...and I’ve been MUCH better)

6.       5000 steps a day.  Yup…I was failing this one too.  However, I have managed to pull it back around this last week with my evening walks with Jason.

As you can see.  The first week and a half was HORRIBLE!   The arthritis scare has brought about some changes!   The weather changing has brought about some of those changes!   (It’s easier to get out and walk /ride my bike when the weather is pleasant!).  I even got a lunch time walk in at work this week!!! 

So there you have it, my first half of March.  I told you it was ugly!   But I am slowly turning the ship around!   It is amazing how the fear of a life spent in arthritic pain really does make one see things differently.  And while the fear and despair about not being able to turn the tide on the arthritis is very real and very present, maybe I needed to think about the fact that I am SOON going to be out of free passes to abuse my body.  Eventually the damage will be non-manageable.    So if I can get it back under control again, I need to really focus on maintaining......no more chances taken with my body!

 

 

Surely I can do this: weight loss at its....worst

I keep telling myself that I have this! I keep saying that this is my year.  I keep starting afresh!

Yet I keep failing!

How many failures does it take to get to victory?

Surely I can pull this together and lose weight!   

The only good thing?  I remain highly motivated to be healthy.   The disconnect is NOT with my motivation to do it.  The disconnect happens when it comes to actually carrying through with my plans!

I guess you could say that I am just kinda depressed about the whole process right now.  I’m down about my lack of ‘stick to it’ when it comes to reigning in my food.   I am utterly despondent about the aches and pains in my legs.  Seriously, a mile walk shouldn’t hurt!  And let’s not even start talking about the flair up of arthritis!  I am just disgusted with myself and where I have let myself get to!  I swore I would never get back here...yet here I sit!

I am walking daily.  (Gotta start somewhere and with my knee/arthritis I have to be careful).  I HAVE reigned in my eating...I’m at the top end of the range that I want to be within...but that is only 1450 calories so still pretty good.  So I’m not totally messed up.  Just messed up enough to NOT be losing!  This just blows!!

As a side note.  This past weekend I saw these little gems at the store!

Why yes...that is a THIN version of a Reece’s Cup.  They are individually packaged and thinner than the normal one!   And they are 57 calories versus the 110 calories for ONE of the normal cups. (Or 220 calories for one package of the normal sized cups).  For me...I can’t just eat half the package so when I eat a Reece’s cup I eat the whole package at 220 calories.   So this thin version is a great boon for me.  I can typically have room for a 57 calorie  treat...220 kinda not!   And yes I usually CAN stop at one package! Furthermore  I bought a bag of them at the store on Saturday and I have only eaten one!  So this is a good product for me!!!

The cost of obesity

I started to write a post for last Friday...but due to a commute, a passenger in the car (I gave a ride to a coworker), exhaustion and just life, I was unable to complete it.   It WAS going to be about getting my life in line before I have to deal with the cost of medications due to illnesses that could be managed by weight.  This was sparked by a conversation I had with my good friend Donna, who appeared in a motivational post last year.   She has continued to do amazing with her weight loss and is actually at goal, but she continues to work to eliminate each of her medications (you’ve got this Donna!)!    But she made the comment to me, ‘get it under control soon before you have to deal with the astronomical costs of medications.  And THAT was what the post was going to be about but then I experienced Friday and while the rest of this post is going to be ‘similar’ the cost of obesity hit much harder in my life and well...I’m freaked out!

Years ago I was diagnosed with arthritis in my knees. When I was overweight they ached sooo horribly!  But as I lost weight the pain settled down to a random twinge here and there.  However, as I have gained the twinges began to increase.  I knew it and even talked to people about the fact that I had an idea of the breaking point weight that when I reach  my knees issues would really  kick into high gear.   I have even made the comment that I was getting close to that weight!  But I didn’t pay attention to it.  It hadn’t computed in my head.  Afterall, actions and words are two different things!

Last week was a normal week.   Everything was normal.   I wasn’t off the rails with my quest for health...but I wasn’t totally  on target with the actions needed for this quest.  The memorable thing about my week was climbing stairs.  We live on the third floor and I noticed in passing that my knee was strong as I went up or down the stairs....strong for the first flight.  By th second flight I was feeling the old familiar ache of arthritis. Luckily, it cleared up as soon as I got on flat terrain and was only a small blip on the radar of my daily life.   Until Friday.  Friday morning came and I went down the steps in the morning and managed to contain my groan of pain confident that it would subside within minutes.  However, it didn’t subside.  It aches throughout the day and by the time I got home Friday evening I was truly suffering!   

My knee had not ached that bad since before I lost all the weight years ago!  And Leta be honest.  I e gained about half of it back!  I had known that I was teetering on the edge of the number on the scale where my knees typically really start to hurt really badly.   I had been feeling more and more twinges and hearing my knees creak and crack a whole lot more, but I had paid it no mind!  But Friday night I could not ignore it any longer.   Ohhh no I couldn’t!  I would move my leg and the pain would become more dull and I would breathe a sigh of relief...but within moments the pain intensified and I just ached!   Lovely.....not!

On Saturday morning I knew we were going grocery shopping/errand running.  My knee already hurt so I went to the closet and pulled out my bin of ‘supplies’.  I opened it and selected a knee brace.  As I was making my selection my thought was that the bin was truly my personal current cost of obesity. 

I have ankle braces, knee braces, ace bandages, devices for planters fasciitis, kt tape and wrist braces.   With the exception of the wrist braces.....it is all due to the excess weight on my body damaging my joints!!!   That bin is my current high price of obesity!

The price is high....honestly, higher than the price to lose weight.   You see.  I can restrict and manage my weight and eliminate SOME of the issues that I have created (some of the damage is done, but in my experience it is more easily managed and more easy to live with at a lower weight).  I can then live!   The cost of I continue is most assuredly knee replacements, wheel chairs, walkers and living a life where there is no mobility...or at least greatly reduced mobility.   Which cost is higher???

So, knowing that I am teetering (and crossing) the line where my knees really bother me has made me realize that it’s not so or die time in terms of my health.  There is no more fiddling around!  It’s time!

There are two things I can do:

1.  Lose weight (the biggie)

2.  Exercise:  arthritis can be managed through exercise!  A personal trainer once told me that I need to build up the muscles around my knees in order to take up the slack for the lack of cartiledge.

I took it easy on Saturday and wore the brace a lot.  But on Sunday it was in the upper 40°’s and lower 50°’s.  So we headed to the mountains near us.  We headed for a trail to hike! I knew it wasn’t going to be a fabulously long hike.  Not was it a fabulously difficult hike.  My knee couldn’t handle it.  But I know that to fix the problem I have to be active.  

We weren’t counting on there being snow...a couple inches.   But it was fun!!

I was careful and we only went a few miles.  But I have started to take back my life!!!!

I can’t be broken: nothing but victory

When someone talks about living a healthy lifestyle the first thought is always diet and what foods to eat.   Immediately following the thoughts of diet is exercise.  While those two aspects are indeed huge components of a healthy lifestyle there is so much more involved in a healthy lifestyle.  One of the biggest and most overlooked components is our emotions and mental state, which I touched on in one of my most recent posts when I talked about daily life stress    But beyond daily stress, what baggage do we have in our life that is hindering us in regards to achieving a healthy lifestyle?

A few weeks ago I was listening to the song ‘Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken’ by Pink.   (Lyrics and link to the song at the end of the post). I was thinking in terms of weight loss.  This weight loss journey may beat me down...it may make me bleed and cry but it was not going to win...I would not be broken!  In the back of my mind I planned to write some (I am sure it would have been most decidedly amazing) post about the song and how it was my battle cry...and I would have victory!   The words for the post were forming in my head.  But then something happened to change my mind about the direction that I wanted this post to take!

I was driving to work a while back and the song ‘Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken’ started to play.   Naturally, I started to sing along. I knew that the song would be sticking in my head and I would probably be humming it all day long and into the weekend (as this took place on a Friday.)  I laughed a bit and knew immediately what Jason would say when he caught me singing.  What would he say?  ‘I love to hear you sing, you have such a pretty voice.’ I smiled as I thought this...simply because how lucky am I to have such an incredible man love me!    But followed upon those happy thoughts were the unpleasant memories of my previous relationship.  They were memories of the ridicule I faced when I sang and the derision I heard about my voice which could never be as good as the ‘so called professionals’ he worked with.    Wow!  Where did those memories come from was my thought!   Regardless, I kept listening to the song and woah....the words took on a whole new meaning for me!

I felt the emotions and pain of my previous relationship even as I felt the power surge through me with the thought that those experiences did not break me!  Nothing held me back!  But then all of a sudden I was sobbing.  I knew in that one clear instance on a snowy morning commute that the baggage of my ex marriage really was holding me back!   Emotionally AND with my quest for a healthy lifestyle!  Emotionally?   I DON’T sing out loud as often as I do in my head.  It is just a trained response.  ‘Don’t sing in order to to avoid ridicule’, my mind screams.  I know that there will be NO ridicule in my relationship with Jason, but the baggage is there...the damage was done.  I started singing years ago (when I left my ex) and my voice is coming back....but it’s a slow process as my mind slowly rights itself.  There are other hang-ups, some more personal, some silly and some serious, but they are there and through the love of an amazing man, I am working through them.  The baggage created in a very unhealthy relationship took up residence in my mind years ago and now I am working evict those thoughts!

That revelation was deep enough right?  Apparently not.  My mind just kept swirling and I had a startlingly clear epiphany about my weight loss efforts.  Yes, I desperately want to lose weight.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be happy.  I want to be thin. I want to wear amazing ‘thin’ clothes. (Because let’s face it, thin clothes are usually prettier and more stylish than ‘fat’ clothes.)  I want this.  BADLY.    So why am I not working my butt off (figuratively AND literally) to attain it?  The answer was clear that morning while I listened to the song.   Why not?   The answer was simple…all of this baggage creates a fear within me to change the status quo.   It’s plain and simple fear.

I lost my weight the last time to MAKE a man love me. (Which didn’t work…..and looking at what I have now….thank heavens it didn’t, I’m in a much better place and way happier than I would have EVER been in that previous relationship.)   But for so many years my head was wrapped around the idea that weight loss would ‘help’ my relationship.  Because of that thrust to lose weight to save the marriage, the weight loss and weight gains in my mind became  the reason he cheated on me.  (No matter what I was, my ex always made it clear that the ‘other way’ was better…and I DO know that he cheated because he was a scoundrel...it just took me a while to realize that!) So that day it became clear that I fear making the changes…because if I do, I am upsetting the balance of  my current relationship and putting it at risk!   How utterly stupid am I?  

So let me think for a minute about this.  Jason has made it clear that he loves me right where I am and any weight loss/weight gain does not change who I am.  He tells me all the time that I am gorgeous to him now. He has also seen pictures of me at my lower weights and he likes what he sees there….in terms of my body.  But honestly, what he notices about the ‘thin’ pictures is NOT my weight difference.  What he notices in the old pictures is the sadness in my eyes.  Weight is NOT an issue with him.   I should have NO FEAR…he just wants to see the sparkle of happiness  in my eyes!

 So if I heed the baggage in my head I lose no weight and gain nothing.  But what happens if I banish that emotional baggage?   I gain a more healthy body.  I can have a   body that can more easily  ride the mountain bike trails on my trusty bike.  I can have a body that can more easily hike up and down mountains.   I can a body that can allow me to live a healthy and active life…with the man that only wants to make my eyes sparkle with happiness.  

Yeah, it’s time to start living to my fullest…….because Wild hearts Can’t be Broken. (Click for link to the song)

Lyrics:

I will have to die for this I fear
There's rage and terror and there's sickness here
I fight because I have to
I fight for us to know the truth

There's not enough rope to tie me down
There's not enough tape to shut this mouth
The stones you throw can make me bleed
But I won't stop until we're free
Wild hearts can't be broken
No, wild hearts can't be broken

This is my rally cry
I know it's hard, we have to try
This is a battle I must win
To want my share is not a sin

There's not enough rope to tie me down
There's not enough tape to shut this mouth
The stones you throw can make me bleed
But I won't stop until we're free
Wild hearts can't be broken
No, wild hearts can't be broken

You beat me, betray me
You're losing, we're winning
My spirit above me
You cannot deny me
My freedom is burning
This broken world keeps turning
I'll never surrender
There's nothing, but a victory

There's not enough rope to tie me down
There's not enough tape to shut this mouth
The stones you throw can make me bleed
But I won't stop until we're free
Wild hearts can't be broken
Wild hearts can't be broken
This wild heart can't be broken

Could it be: reasons for the lack of success

Here we are again.  It’s Monday and the beginning of the week.  I can’t say that the weekend was anything spectacular in terms of healthy living.  But the weekend was exactly what I needed....a whole lot of simple pleasures and relaxation.  I did have a revelation that may or may not be what had been affecting me in my weight loss journey.   What was it? It’s all about stress and the affect that has on a body!

Stress?  What kind of stress am I under?  Seriously, I am deliriously happy in my relationship, what could be the issue?  Well let me backtrack a few months.  In Early December my employer took me off of one team and put me in training for a different team.  It was the same computer systems, which was nice. But it involves totally different procedures and rules.  No problem.  I learn easily and quickly so training has been a breeze.  Three months of training which brings us to the here and now.  It is time to launch this new product and go ‘live’.    As I mentioned before, I learn easily so ‘no problem’.  Except that there is a problem.  I still have many unanswered questions.  When asked the answer is ‘we still haven’t been informed’ or ‘we haven’t figured that out yet’.  What???  My ease of my job and the level of my job performance and the quality of my work (meaning the happiness of our the clientele I work with) is dependent upon these questions!  As if that is not stressful enough.  One week we are told the way to do a procedure, but it is very possible that within a week or two that the information will be changed to something totally different.  (As evidenced by a huge change..in a 42 page document that we were given minutes before we left on Friday...when we go live first thing on Monday). I’m not blaming anyone...it is just the nature of the beast when launching a new product and the support that accompanies the said product.  But...it leaves the nerves frayed a bit!  Regardless, I thought I was doing great.  I learn easily so quickly I became the voice that answered questions and the one  that coworkers have looked to.   For quite a few weeks I have been spending a portion of my days talking coworkers off the ledge in terms of stress and frustration.   I have reminded them that it WILL be chaotic and stressful but give it a few weeks and we will feel like pros. My pep talks have happened frequently and more and more often as the launch grew closer.  I was the strong one.....or so I thought.

I left work on Friday and could tell I felt jittery and off balance.  But it wasn’t until I got home and saw the welcoming smile and felt the warmth of Jason’s embrace that it came crashing down.  I had a complete  meltdown and all of MY pent up stress came pouring out.  It was somewhat surprising as I had no idea that this was all burning a hole inside me!   

The weekend has been a lot of me worrying and/or me trying to avoid thinking about what very well may happen today (we are supposed to launch...but there is a slight chance we won’t...at this point though I almost just want to do it and get this over with!).  Poor Mertz senses my unrest and spent the weekend watching me and trying to be as near me as possible....to offer comfort.  And of course Jason has been a trooper in his support and love.  Ready or not, here we go!!

I had this revelation about the stress and realized that the stress had most likely been burning a hole within me for a while.  Early Saturday morning (awake super early unable to sleep...darn stress) I realized that quite possible the silent ravages of stress had been affecting my weight loss efforts in February.....in case you didn’t know, the results were a bit dismal  I’m not using the stress as an excuse...I am the one in control. I’m just saying that stress probably drove some of my actions within the month of February.  Stress most likely drove my though processes and actions.   I would like to say that knowing this changed my behaviors this weekend.  It wasn’t awful, but my calories were high!  

The weekend was just what I needed. A time to decompress and just enjoy time.   We isn’t so much of anything note worthy, just enjoyed time together.   The two things I will mention:

* If you haven’t seen Bohemian Rhapsody...the movie about Queen, do it!!!!   We rented it (5.99 on Amazon) and it was well worth the money!

* How connected are you with your partner when you get the exact same fortune in your cookie that he gets???!  Yup...it happened on Friday night!!

So, here I am at the cusp of a new week!  I’m still filled with trepidation at what lies ahead.  But it’s life and therefore I have no choice but to face it head on!   The stress is here.  Now that it had raised its ugly head I am hyper aware of it lurking within and doing its damage in my thoughts and physical being.  I know that the stress will have an affect upon my weight loss efforts not just in the physical aspect of how my body works internally, but also with how my mind and emotions react with food.  I am going to have to guard against the stress eating and poor choices until these new job tasks become second nature!