Sparkle

Motivation seems to be a missing element in this journey.  Right now for me it's totally missing.  I get totally disgusted with myself.  I cringe at where I'm at.  I see something that inspires me.  I gather up my desires.  It is all good. I'm gung ho to roll with this.  I start.  I hold it together for a few days, maybe even a week or two.  And then I totally fall apart.  I spiral into a woman that spins wildly out of control.  There isn't one set trigger that causes me to plumment from my healthy choices.  Sometimes it's a weekend off/away.  Sometimes it's just life that keeps me eating crazily.  Sometimes it's my self worth and the fact that food is my friend...my go to when I'm feeling down.  It's like I'm being bombarded on all sides.  Voices are screaming at me to "eat eat eat"  and I cave.  The cake tasted good.  The ice cream tasted good.  Even if something didn't taste good I still chowed it down like a starving child.  It sickens me to think about what I'm doing to myself.  It sickens me to see my lack of motivation.  I lack the motivation to get up off the couch and start running.  I lack the motivation to pull my bike out and ride it.  I lack motivation.  Without this motivation I spin in circles.

I want to end this mad plummet.  I want to be thin and happy.  Just this week I've stumbled across a few blogs and posts and whatnot of people that have reached goal or are at least at a place where they are happy with their weight.  They are trained to run marathons.  They are competing in Triathlons.  They are absolutely awe inspiring because they went from overweight couch potato and have transformed themselves into women that are gorgeous.   Their bodies have responded so well to their activities...they are svelte and thin (yeah, I know they still have their body issues and some parts of their bodies may never be perfect...but seriously!).  They are active and put their exercise first.  And most importantly, when you see pictures of them......you can see the inner peace and happiness emmanating from their eyes.  It's glaringly obvious.  I chose those two to link.  However, there are more out there.  I see a spark of life that is there.  I had that spark when I lost my weight.  I've lost that spark again as I've regained.  I'm not happy......I WANT that sparkle back!!!!!!

My motivator this week is that sparkle!!!!!!!

The Odd Couple

I have once again recommitted.  There are 10 weeks until Christmas.  I am committed to losing 15 pounds in those 10 weeks.  I thought that was a good goal.  Doable.  I am tracking.  I am watching.  I am committed to exercise at LEAST 3 times a week.  I can't go on this path.  It only leads to destruction.  It leads to the destruction of my body but it also leads to the destruction of my mind.  It is not a healthy place for me to be mentally and I refuse to live that way any longer.  Todd and I have a 4 day weekend upcoming.  Will it be difficult to do this and eat out so much?  Absolutely.  Can I do it?   Absolutely.  The first and easiest change that I plan on making at restaurants?   Water with lemon please.....instead of a diet soda.  I'm not knocking diet soda but seriously, it's not what my body needs.  Plus...they charge like 2 bucks for those things...so if I don't get a diet soda for breakfast, lunch and dinner (not that we would eat out all three meals all four days...but for the sake of argument, lets say that we do) that 6 bucks a day  6 times 4 is twenty four bucks!  That's a breakfast out!  That's a souvenir or an extra museum....all because I gave up something that I really don't need!   The other thing.  yeah, we do go to breakfast...do I REALLY need three honkin' big pancakes?  No, one pancake is sufficient.  If I order the three that is a typical order at a restaurant,  I eat them.....but I don't need them.  I order one and I'm satisfied....so by ordering ONE, I order what my body NEEDS and oh oh oh...I saved more money!  :-)

So I was talking to a friend about my issues.  She has tried to lose weight but she went into a bad realm.  She stopped eating all together.  TO the point that she became deathly ill.  Eating to her almost turns her stomach.  She doesn't want to eat.  It is a chore for her.  She's afraid if she starts to eat that she will start to regain.  She struggles to get enough calories.  SOOOOO  she and I have paired up.  Me, encouraging her to EAT...her encouraging me to NOT eat.  We are both tracking on myfitnesspal.com.  Her to make sure that she IS getting enough calories (and also for her ease of mind so that she knows that she is not eating too much...because yes, anorexia is a mental disease in the mind all centered around weight..and she isn't yet at her goal, she figured out this anorexic behavior before she lost all her weight....so she has to try to lose the last 25 of her pounds in a HEALTHY manner) and me to make sure that I'm not eating too many calories (and to ensure that I'm not error in the side of not eating enough).  It's an odd match.  It's a very odd match, but you know what?  It may work.

I have also reinstituted the daily emails to my three friends Julie, Donna and Sherry!   Thanks gals...YOU ROCK!

addictions

I'm an addict.  My addiction is food. I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm sad.  I eat to celebrate and I eat to forget.   Last week I totally succumbed to the addiction....I tried to feed my sadness away.  I tried to eat so much that I would forget the pain I feel inside me.  I finally came up for air and then I hated myself even more for the abuse that I did.  In reality, I didn't eat 4 cakes, 6 dozen cookies, or other crazy things.  I just made poor choices.  I'm embarrassed to say how many times I ate at Burger King.  yes, Burger King...and I don't eat fast food.  Poor choices.....but still feeding an addiction that burns brightly in me.

How will I overcome.  How will I beat this sadness that is threatening to take over me, lock stock and barrel?   I don't know.   But I do know that food is NOT the answer.  Now if I can just convince myself of that each time I go to the kitchen!

Living the Fast life.

A few years ago, Todd and I decided that we didn't want fast food in our lives.  At first it was rough because fast food restaurants are so convienent, quick and cheap.  But after an occaisional craving we learned to live without it and never really even gave McDonald's or it's counterparts a second glance. We were not watching our finances as closely then as we are now, so I don't really recall the switch being a big shock for us financially (plus we never ate exclusively at fast food joints...it was occasional). 

I have read the articles about fast food and it's relation to obesity.  I've also seen the articles that correlate fast food to the rise of obesity.  Fast food driven obesity you may call it I guess.  I always agreed, but it wasn't until yesterday that I realized exactly how much.  I went to hang out with my family yesterday.  My brother and his wife give in to the kids and they eat at McDonalds every Sunday...it's their tradition.  So I tagged along.  I ordered a McChicken sandwich, a small fry and a large drink.    I blew  over 600 calories on that meal.  Almost half of my daily budget for calories (I aim for 1300 calories).  Doable, but throws things out of whack and you have to be near PERFECT with your eating the rest of the day.

But the lesson to be learned is not how many calories I ate.  I feel as if I actually chose well and was actually ok with my calorie expenditure.   No, lets look at the financial expenditure.

The drink....$1......the sandwich, $1....and the small fry, $1.19.   I spend $3.19 for my meal. (true dollar menu items....it's actually cheaper to order off the dollar menu in that case apparently)   Really?   Where else can I eat for that little?   $3.19???????    It is tempting to go back....I can't eat anywhere...except the soup kitchen for that little.  True there is little or no nutritional value  but hell, a full belly for $3.19.  No wonder people continue to flock to the place (ok so the food is also a bit addicting)...it's affordable in our economically depressed age.   The cheap prices draw people in.......and they are eating WAY TOO MANY Calories.  Becuase lets face it.....how many people go in and actually order the McChicken Sandwich and a SMALL fry?????

mf

SIngle minded

I've started rereading through this journal.  It has been interesting.  I have looked back at my initial weight loss with rose colored glasses.  I have thought and said about how easy it was.  It wasn't.  I was more focused. I was single minded in my focus.  I was so single minded in my focus that I had family members worried about me.  I knew what I wanted and I was determined that come hell or high water I was getting there.   I need that single minded focus back.  I need to focus on this weight and nothing else. Let the trees fall around me....I see only my weight loss efforts.  If it's important, it will still be there when I come through the trees on the other side.

One other thing I'm picking up is those first feelings that I encountered and worked through as I accepted the fact that I was fat and that I needed some help.

Some of the reading is dull and repetitive...it's me rambling about what i ate, how I was working through situations that popped up.  My attempts to start a regime of exercise.  But it is rekindling that feeling of hope, that feeling of excitement within me.

Today I walked with Sherry I from over at TwoGirlsMamma. It was good for me. It was good to talk and walk with my friend of course.  But it renewed me on my journey.  I can do this.  I can do this with a single minded focus (she remembers that single minded focus I had back then. I can do this without deprivation to myself.  I can do this by modifying small things within my life.  I CAN DO THIS.

You didn't hear me?????   I CAN DO THIS!

Little changes....profound affects

Yesterday I sat here at my job.  I dipped into my lunch box and partook of  my healthy fare. I munched through my banana and my green beans.  I was enjoying my lunch. I always save my little 'treat' for last.  Usually my treat consists of a 100 calorie pack of some variety.  However, this past weekend I was grocery shopping and my eye caught the box of rice crispy treats.  I looked at the price and realized that they were quite a bit cheaper.  For me this is a big deal.  I try to keep my grocery store trips budgeted out and as cheap as possible.  So an average price of 22 cents for one rice crispy treat versus the average 50 cents of the 100 calorie pack was a nice saving.  (I paid just under 9 bucks for a box of 40 rice crispy treats and I pay right around  $3 for a box of six 100 calorie packs.....so my figures are based upon those numbers).  Significant savings.  I had the presence of mind to look at the calorie content while I was in the store.  90 calories.  My thought was GREAT....right in line with what I was looking for.  (Conversely I had purchased a few weeks ago the Lance Granola cracker bite things..they are delicious...but 190 calories....that's almost double what I want to spend on my little snack....no more of those bad boys for me).

So yesterday I pulled out my new snack.  I ripped open the wrapper and sat here proud of myself for having had the presence of mind to check the calorie count and for buying something that was right at my snack calorie allotment.  In fact, I had SAVED myself 10 calories.  Not a big deal I know....10 calories.  Tiny, eensy weensy, itty bitty 10 calories.  I mean seriously what could I do with 10 calories.  It wasn't like I could have a slice of pizza for 10 calories.  It wasn't like I could drink a mixed drink for those 10 calories I saved.  But then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  10 calories......365 days a year.  That is 3650 calories.  That is theoretically one pound a year.   By a simple 10 calories a day  ...10 calories that I don't miss at all.  10 calories saved simply because my delicious substitution was 10 calories less than my normal food....a no brain, no thought no worry one pound gone for the year.  Couple that with another small 10 calorie change and you have two pounds gone.  Snowball it and make three more.....and there are 5 pounds....it snowballs!!  It really is as simple as that.

And just because I'm a bit of a geek.....one year of 100 calorie packs  would cost me $182.50......the rice crispy treats...... $80.30

OK OK OK, so I don't eat a 100 calorie pack (or now a rice crispy treat) every day...they are my lunchbox treat....or an occasional quick sweet snack at home. And I also know that I would most likely get bored if I ate a rice crispy treat each and every day.....but it's the concept here folks not the logistics!!!!!

SMALL CHANGES turn into BIG RESULTS!

Crunchy apple French toast

I struggle with breakfast. I do not like eggs on there own. I do not eat beef or much pork. Cold cereal leaves me famished within an hour or two. So what to eat for breakfast. I get tired of the boring mundane pancakes, waffles and French toast. So the other day I came up with this....

Ingredients
4 slices of texas toast (the thick bread)
2 eggs
1 tsp cinnamon
1/3 cup apple pie filling
1 cup cornflakes

1.  Crush cornflakes and lay on a shallow plate
2.  Break eggs into a bowl and add cinnamon.....beat together
3.  Lay out two pieces of bread and spread each with half of the apple pie filling.  Cover the pie filling with the other slices of bread, to create two sandwiches.
4.  Dip the apple sandwiches into the egg mixture and then immediately press them into the cornflakes.
5. Place on a griddle or grill and grill on both sides until they are golden brown.
update:  I actually prefer making this now with two regular slices of bread versus the thick texas toast style bread!  Saves calories and works better!

Per Serving: 271 calories
46 carbs
6 fat
10 protein

I want to be an ant

The other day I was sitting outside and looked down and saw that the ground nearby was being scavenged by ants.  They caught my attention.  I watched as some just seemed to walk aimlessly around and then I saw one.  It was carrying a piece of debris that was at least 5 times it's body size.  It held on and moved across the ground.  I watched, fascinated by this little ant carrying something so large.  The ant was relentless. It came to a piece of straw and it diligently crawled over the obstacle all the time carting his treasure on his back.  It came to obstacles and crawled under them.  They had to finagle sometimes to get their large treasure under these items.  A few times this ant seemed to give up when they were seemingly stuck or held up and unable to move further.  They let go of the piece of debris and moved away. I held my breath, saddened that this ant had worked so hard but was giving up.  I wanted to pick up the item and move it for them.  Instead I sat and watched.  But each time they circled the item and immediately picked it back up.  And each time they were able to get moving again. It was almost as if they had to stop, regroup, reconnoiter the situation and then re-attack the problem.  And EACH TIME they succeeded.

What a wonderful lesson that ant taught me.   Persistence.  What absolute persistence.  They were moving something that was HUGE (in relation to their size) over obstacles and under obstacles.  They did it.   Times got hard and they never gave up, they re-evaluated and continued on.

Have I been an 'ant' in my weight loss efforts?   When I was losing weight readily the first time, yes I was.  I had my bobbles and I sat back and looked at them and then dug right back in.  I was highly successful.  This time around I have adopted a very un-antlike attitude.  I have resisted even picking up the piece of debris because it's 'too big' for me to handle.  When I do pick it up, I carry it for a few paces until I hit my first obstacle and when I get stuck, instead of setting it down and looking at what is causing me to falter I just drop it and walk the other way.

I want to adopt the principles that I saw that ant display.  I want to not be afraid to do something that seems so insurmountable.  I want to not give up when I hit a speed bump.  I want to persevere.  I want to succeed.

I want to be an ant.

Focus

I've been having difficulties focusing on anything for the last week or so. I don't know what's up. I'm not exhausted (that I know of) or anything, so I dont' know what's up. I have managed to not eat myself out of house and home...however I HAVE eaten over my calorie count on some days. (not enough to gain, but not low enough to lose.)I guess I should be happy that I maintained. However, maintain is NOT what I need. I need to lose.


My leg is still bothering me. Prolonged activity bothers it (last sunday when we were out and about it bothered me that night and the next day...then on Thursday I made pickle relish and jam in the morning and I paid the price with pain by struggling with pain that evening) Whatever the cause, it's getting OLD OLD OLD.

Yesterday I went to a reenactment with my brother and his family. Had fun....and actually pulled my camera out in ages. Felt good.

My brother is remodeling the house that

my grandmother and grandfather bought and remodeled 40 years ago.  He took panelling off of the wall and found this written with the adhesive.  Since my grandfather put up the panelling we know that he is the one that wrote this there.  Just a really cool find.

When...

When will I learn.  I left work hungry.  I had no plan in place.  I ate chips and salsa....I ate hot and spicy pretzels....I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  I did eat a bit of fruit.  But I know that I lost control momentarily.  I am back on track....but I did lose control.

Nuffin' else to say today.

Donuts and ice cream

My weekend was busy.  I literally ran from the moment I got off work at 2PM on Friday until I got home last night.  I haven't even finished editing all my pictures from the weekend yet.  Friday I helped my brother on the house that he is remodeling.  Saturday I helped Todd run sound at a bluegrass festival.  Saturday evening I hung out with my friend and her son.  Sunday Todd and I did a day trip and hit up some historical museums.  BUSY.  eating was less than stellar.  Not so bad calorie wise, but not healthy choices.  (yes, I had a donut for breakfast Saturday AND Sunday morning)

My victory.  Todd brought home a large ice cream for me on Thursday night.  THURSDAY  NIGHT .  I started eating it on THURSDAY night.  Guess when I finished that puppy?????   SUNDAY NIGHT!  I nibbled on it for  4 days!!!!  That is a victory, usually I just scarf it all down, no matter that it is too much and makes me ill.  I didn't do it this time!

Emotionally, I'm hanging on.....trying to stay positive and trying to focus on MY healthy and the things that I can change!!!

Part of life...

Well, yesterday....I didn't eat during the day because of a rough morning.  I got home from work at 6 and I wanted nothing more than to........fall into bed and let the emotions that I'd struggled to keep bottled up all day inside wash over me.  (bet you thought I was going to say eat.  LOL) .  I did just that.  I couldn't really handle doing anything other than that.    By8:30 I got up and we went out for a sandwich (I got turkey and brie...side of corn salad....we split some artichoke dip...and I had some ice cream).   I didn't eat all that horrible...probably well within my caloric range (I'll go back and change my tracker for yesterday to show what I really ate versus what I had planned to eat...just haven't done it yet).  But I knew that eating late...eating not at all over the day...etc etc etc would really "F" with my body.  So this morning I chose to not weigh myself.  I made it until I was in the kitchen packing my lunch.  And then I mosied back intot he bathroom......and weighed myself...fully clothed....  Yeah, I was up 2 pounds.  GRRR   I know it's because of my weird day (sodium at dinner...not used to diet soda...which has more sodium than my normal water)....and of course that TOM action that has been threatening to pull into the station may or may not be here.  (seriously...this month is just ODD.....)  Even knowing that, it's disheartening to see.  Not gonna make me give up...and may just make me redouble my efforts this weekend to recoup my 'gain'.  So maybe it will work to my advantage!

This is a healthy lifestyle that I want.  It's not a diet.  It means that I will have odd days...odd months....odd happenings that will affect my weight.  I'm ok with that.  I know that I do have to figure out my stress and emotions though.  Losing weight when your mind is drowning in a hurt that threatens to overtake you is not the optimum scenario.   But that is part of life...learning how to overcome despite these detractors. (or maybe IN spite of them.)

Best laid plans

Ok, I had my day planned out perfectly.  I was set for eating.  I knew what I was going to do...and I was ready to do it.  And then things at home unravelled.....and while they unravelled I stopped paying attention and burned breakfast........BADLY.....I was barely able to pull myself together to get to work on time......and I didn't eat breakfast.  Ohhh and as they unravelled, I didn't have the time, emotional energy or whatever to pack my lunch.  So I'm looking at 6:30 or so until I can get some food.  My 30 minute lunch hour.....doesn't give me much time go get something and eat.  (I live in a podunk town that has no eating establishments.....well, other than the bar......and going home....well, I'm not sure I want to go back at this moment and face it and risk getting emotional again, I can't be sitting at my job an emotional wreck....it was hard enough this morning....I think I'd rather be hungry and face it tonight)    Best laid plans.  

And just to prove that I can still laugh.......here is my new weight loss plan......I'm going to follow this ladies plan....sounds more fun than my current exercise routine... Rather interesting read in the news.

One woman is making the most of a rekindled romance -- her sex life is helping her to lose weight, and a lot of it.

As reported in an interview with UK magazine Closer, Guinness World Records' Heaviest Woman in the World, Pauline Potter, has lost almost 100 pounds through marathon sex sessions with her ex-husband.
Last year, Potter, who lives in Los Angeles, was given the title after she got in touch with Guinness World Records in a bid to draw attention to her risky weight and to shame herself into dieting. But it seems to have brought forth another benefit -- as she told Closer, her ex-husband started visiting after her saw her Guiness entry, and their sex life has helped her shed a "stone" (14 pounds) a month.
I can’t move much in bed, but I burn 500 calories a session – it’s great exercise just jiggling around,” she revealed to the publication. The couple reportedly has sex two to seven times a day.
Potter certainly isn't the first person to use the bed as a piece of exercise equipment -- certain sexual positions are known to exert more effort than others, and of course, there are always exercises to help make sex even better.
In an interview last year with The Sun in the UK, Potter noted, "My goal is to lose 200lb (14st 4lb) plus and have weight-loss surgery so I can be mobile again and not rely on anyone for help."

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2012/07/10/pauline-potter-weight-loss_n_1662534.html

Realistic goals

Yesterday I was emailing a friend with a mini challenge for myself.  She and I are planning on hooking up for a girls weekend. (she is a friend who's blog I have followed for years.....about 3-4 years ago we met in person and have met up about 1-2 times a year since then, usually with our husbands in tow.....this year we are adding a girls weekend).  We are looking at the end of August for our get together.  I have thrown down the challenge of 10 pounds lost by then.  So I was writing about different scenarios and accidentally typed in 135.    She immediately caught onto that and laughed about that weight.   It made me think though.  I know that for me 135 is totally unrealistic.  I'm 5'8" ...that would be at the utter bottom of the BMI index for me......I know from past experience that just getting TO the BMI index weight range for me has everyone screaming about how sick and gaunt I look....and my doctor actually told me that it was pretty much an impossible goal for me (unless I was a professional athlete that was exercising 6-7 hours a day).  So 135 is a goal that will never be in my vocabulary and I know it.  yet, I hear time and time again about people bashing their heads against a wall trying to get to a certain 'weight', even though they are a size 8 and look great!  (and it works the other way, I've seen and read about people screaming because they want to be a size 6.....but they just can't get past the 8....even though they are toned, muscular, look great and weigh a nice respectable weight.  Unrealistic goals derail us.

But I wonder how many times I set goals that are totally unrealistic for me, my life, my body type and my personality.

I know I've set goals for myself to be 100% on plan.  That is unrealistic.  I'm a human being. I have a job, a husband and family nearby.  I have time constraints and yes, with some injuries some health constraints.  It is not possible to be 100% on plan.   But is it more realistic to say "I can be on plan 95% of the time, or 90% of the time?"  Yes, that is.  I'm a human and things will happen.  If I set a goal that I can actually achieve, I won't be tempted to say "well, I messed up my 100% perfection...so I may as well have that chocolate cake (notice I didn't say a PIECE of chocolate cake...I said THE chocolate cake!).

My mini goal of 10 pounds is in 6.5 weeks.  I feel that that is actually a realistic goal.

As for eating, I KNOW that there will be days where the pressures of life get to me.  But you know what.....I'm not aiming to be perfect.  I aim to keep those less than perfect days at a minimum....but I accept that they will happen.  After all, I'm not perfect (shhhh don't tell my husband!)

Personal wise....I've had a story in my head that needs to be written.  It is heavily centered around weight issues.  But I want to show that weight isn't the end all be all to everything that it's what's inside that really counts!   This story has been knocking around in my head for quite some time.  I started it and while I'm only a bit into it, I paused in the writing...I need to restart it.  Because I think it NEEDS to be written!

Epiphany (isn't that just such a fun word???)

Yesterday I had an epiphany. It's not willpower so much as just total focus and planning. If I'm prepared focused and ready I can plan and think about eventualities.  This happened last night and it felt good to not just go crazy. I left zumba and I was HUNGRY.  I had to swing by a grocery store.  The last half of Zumba I DREAMED about just picking up a deli sandwich and chowing down on it during the drive home.  I got to the store and I looked at the pre-packaged deli sandwiches.  500 calories for one sandwich. (ok 490 but I thought it would be easier to round up...my bad)  I had the calories in my budget for that sandwich (even without touching my zumba earned calories) but I knew that the sandwich would not be enough.  I thought about adding a prepackaged salad for 170 calories (so tempted to round up to 200...lol) but then I was like, NO, I have food at home.  I walked away.  But I knew that the process of making my planned dinner (grilled cheese and tomato soup) would be problematic because I was so hungry, it would be so tempting to eat a piece of buttered bread, extra cheese, a nibble of that raspberry cobbler.  In fact, it would be tempting to just eat the rest of the cobbler (about 3-4 servings) in lieu of dinner (OK who am I fooling.....WITH dinner).  So knowing that I was about out of Sargento Colby Jack cheese sticks, I purchased another pack at the store.  I got in the car and had one on way home.  It curbed the hunger and allowed me to effectively make dinner without gnawing the cabinet doors off the wall!  I actually had planned in my calories yesterday to allow for a piece of cobbler.  I was full after dinner and didn't bother with it!   THAT is just me listening to my body.

My knee made it through zumba. It was stiff and sore and some songs about brought me to my knees with pain. But I made it through and honestly, at the end it felt more limber and loose and better. So I am thinking it is a seized muscle (happened to a muscle in my back a few years ago). I went home and put the heating pad on it trying to keep it limber (if possible).


I have a great friend.  I met her during weight watchers meetings a few years back.She was there when I reached goal and when I made lifetime.  She's been there encouraging me to not give up as I've regained....she's been a motivator for me to try get this weight off! She is awesome.  She has listened and helped me come up with numerous ideas to try during this lifelong journey that I've embarked upon.  (weight wise and personal wise......LUV ya Sherry!) She struggles like the rest of us.   I've mentioned Sherry quite a bit on my blog (maybe not by name all the time, but she's been around).  She just started a blog.  Check her out (PS it's her birthday so she deserves a shout out just for that!!!)   OK, in case you missed one of those three links to her blog....  http://twogirlsmama.wordpress.com/   :-) 

Focus

My focus is there.  I spent the weekend reading some great blogs.  I read successes and I read failures followed by success.  I knew what I need to do and reading other people's experiences encouraged me to believe that once again I could do this. It made me remember that I HAVE done this and just need to do it again.  It also probably helped that for breakfast I had some leftover pizza and a piece of leftover raspberry cobbler.  I felt miserable, bloated and stuffed afterward.  I vowed to eat a banana...and something light for lunch.  But 2PM rolled around and I found myself eating.....you guessed it more leftover pizza and another piece of raspberry cobbler.  So then I was miserable all afternoon.  Todd came home and we had dinner at 8:30.  I made chili...with beef.  So I wasn't tempted to eat any chili (no beef for me please.....in fact the smell of the cooking meat was icky).  I did have a piece of my homemade cornbread.  I also made myself a sandwich with the last of the egg salad that I had made the day previously.  I ate half the sandwich and while I wanted to eat it all (it was yummy)....I threw it away and stopped.  Regardless, the bloated overstuffed feeling was still prevalent from my breakfast and lunch.  Lesson learned.  My body was SCREAMING at me and I didn't listen at first.....but I did finally get the message.

So today I'm focused. My food from breakfast has been entered into myfitnesspal.com. (yes, I am a weight watchers fan...and love the program, but money is really tight right now and I can't afford the meetings......I am a lifetime member, so when i get back to my goal weight, I'll be returning to the meetings to help keep me focused)  The food that has gone into my lunch box for consumption here at work has been entered into myfitnesspal.  I have a nice amount of calories left for dinner.  I have my clothes packed for my zumba class that I go to every Monday. (or that I try to go to every Monday).  I'm a little nervous about it....not sure if my left knee can stand it...but I'm gonna try it.

This morning I had Todd look at my knee.  I had him see if he could feel a knot or anything in the muscle that runs from my calf, over the back of my knee (out back edge) and up into my thigh.  The pain when I move is localized in the knee region.  But when he was pressing on the muscle, it hurt when he touched the muscle up my thigh too.  Crazy.  Not sure what is up with this.  GRRRRR  (ohhh and I took the last week and a half off....no exercise....if anything, the pain got worse.)

I'm still around.  I"m holding on to the very edge of this healthy thing by the slighest of grips.  I want to lose the weight so much.  I want to be thin again and have energy.   I want to be confident and feel good about myself again.  I want to wear all those wonderful clothes that are shoved in bins in the corner of my closet.  I want it.  And today, I read a blog and I had this sense of "you can do it' pour over my body.   Check out Michelle if you have the chance.   I have been following her for quite some time.  I read years back when she was first losing...I celebrated from the other side of the country as she completed her first Triathlon....I grinned when she announced she was pregnant the first time.....and the second time.  And I felt her worries as she struggled with her weight gain after she had the kids.  (which are adorable by the way).  She is most inspiring because she is doing it.  She's a normal woman that has normal struggles (fast food that beckons, time constraints, kids and husband demanding attention, etc) but she does it!   And she is continually pushing herself.  She is truely amazing.

Soooo all that to say.  I am going to do this.  I've got some injuries.  My foot is still not heeled, my left knee....the back has some kind of muscle thing going on.  My arthritis in my right knee is out of control.  My finger is still tender.  But you know what.  I can do it.  I'm going to zumba tomorrow night.  Gonna see what I can do (the foot...grr....the left knee, it's a muscle thing it tenses up or something so as long as i"m moving it it's not to bad...the arthritis, the only thing to make that better is to get the weight back off).

I've put my food into my tracker for today......it's not gonna be easy....I had leftovers from the pizza party I had last night (leftover pizza and raspberry cobbler for breakfast...yummy...but not exactly healthy!).  I have the rest of the day planned so I should be ok with my eating and not go TOOO far over for the day.  I'm gonna do this.

What to write

It was recently brought to my attention that I haven't been writing much on my blog.  I've thought about it a few times.  I've actually even pulled up blogger to do so.  But then I sit and stare at the empty screen and I ponder what to write.  What can I write that won't be a repeat of what I've been writing for years. "I'm going to get on track...today is a new day....I'm going to beat this weight loss thing!"   Seriously....I'm tired of writing that.  I'm tired of the trite posts.  I've always prided myself in being blunt and raw about this journey.  While I've felt those things when I've written them, I just can't say them again......I want it....but even I'm bored with hearing it.  So what to write? 

Can I write that I'm failing miserably at this thing called weight loss?   Or should I write that I feel like an utter failure at this thing called life.  You see, this weight loss thing is just indicative of how I feel like my life is right now.  I feel like it's all falling down around my ears...all aspects of my life.  I have tried and tried for years to pick up the pieces and clutch them to my chest and pretend that i had it under control.  But I can't pretend anymore.The pieces are falling out of my grasp almost as fast (maybe faster) than I can pick them up.  I'm sinking.

I've tried to focus on the weight thing...because that's something that I can control somewhat.  And I'm not going to give up.  But you know what?  It just feels hopeless.

Ok, I actively decided to take Saturday as a 'day of rest' and not weigh and just eat normally. That turned into two days. Holy Hell. Last night for dinner I had frozen yogurt and doritos. (WTF?....but it was yummy).


My weight today..... up!   In defense....the monthly scourge...the ever reoccuring monthly ick is upon me. (which affects my weight) andI did also drink near next to nothing yesterday. But Those are excuses (they may be valid) but I'm just going to say my eating did it and refocus. GRRRRRR

So my victories for the weekened?  Well I can say that I had that frozen yogurt and the doritos and I stopped there.  But my major victory?  We went to breakfast on Sunday morning.  I wanted pancakes and also home fries.  My normal behavior would have been to order a stack of pancakes and the side of home fries.  I ordered a SINGLE pancake and the home fries.  And I felt fantastic.  I was in control and I wasn't stuffed!  That is a true victory!

Rode my bike 21 miles on Saturday afternoon.  The last two miles pert near killed me.  OK, I wasn't near death....but I just wanted that ride to be over during those last two miles.  I made it back to the car perfectly safe and sound.  I was happy becuase my foot doesn't hurt when I ride.  My foot really is only bothered by activities that have any kind of impact.  I can do light walking....for a short period of time.  Any length of walking and the repetative impact gets it to aching.  Zumba...well, we don't talk about what that makes my foot feel like....more on zumba later....  So I made it to my car.  I was tired but I felt good.  I lifted my bike up to the top of my car.  I thought the bike was seated in the mount so that I could let go.  I was wrong. The bike started to fall over on top of me.  I did what anyone would naturally do.  I reached up to grab it and to protect my body from the falling bike.  As best I can tell.....my pinky was pushed back against the top side of my hand...(very unnatural position, I garauntee you).  So my pinky is all swollen and I can barely move it.  And when I do move it pain shoots through my hand and up my arm.  JOYOUS.   I think it's a bit better today....so hopefully it will heal on it's own.

Zumba....I know that my foot aches from the pounding impact.  I know that whatever this injury to my foot is, is not helped by Zumba.  But I so don't want to give it up.  Zumba to me is a release. It has somehow morphed into something more than just an hour of exercise.  It's almost like I need it for my 'mental well being' or something.   That is why I go...even though i know that my foot will ache during and afterward. 

I've tried to take a few weeks off and not do the impact....but it just doesn't seem to help.  SOOOOO  After my vacation, I'm goign to go to the doctor.  (not goign before...hell if he's putting me on crutches before my vacation!)

Healthy video games

Last night we went for a bike ride.  We made it about 6-7 miles.  It kicked our butts.  Hopefully the muscle memory is quick!    We are going out again tonight.  I get off at 6.  (ok ok ok, I had to convince Todd to go with me by promising  him that I would take him out to eat...using my personal allowance/stipend money....not out of the general budget)  I'm really trying to change myself....to try to be more active.  It's difficult.  I typically wake up at 6 or 6:30 and for months I've laid in bed and read or played on my phone for hours.....dragging myself out of bed at the last minute.  The last few mornings I've woken up and laid for maybe 5-10 minutes and then jumped out of bed and started my day.  I've had time to cook, clean, do some laundry and other fun stuff.  This morning I even found time to play the Kinect for an hour.   The only problem...i'm so awake and alive and refreshed...and then I come to work and it's so slow in here that my energy level just falls away!

So I was playing the Kinect this morning and I got to thinking about the Kinect and it's counterpart the WiiFit.  I was playing....and I'll admit I was more active than I would have been had I been sitting on my butt with my laptop.  But would you really call that a workout?  Are these types of games doing the American public and injustice in making people think that they are 'working out' when they play these games???    Are we lulling our obesity driven culture into thinking that something is 'healthy for us'.   Oh heavens, that brings up the issue of 'health foods'  Our culture thinks that they are eating healthy ...when they eat some of these healthy foods....and while they ARE healthy...it still requires moderation.   (For example its  the mentality...ohhh I bought the low fat oreos, so that means I can eat them...or even eat more....that's erroneous, they still need to be eaten in moderation)

It's better than nothing....so I'm not gonna knock it.  BUT that said, I'm not going to count that as my sole form of exercise. :-)